#i had a life event
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this is truly a tmi but i have no friends to talk to about this stuff so here i am, yet again.
hooked up with a guy from tinder tonight. first time having sex. i'm quite proud of myself for going through with it instead of chickening out. i'm also quite surprised at how not nervous i was, which is either testament to my maturity and Growth™️, or a result of the anxiety meds which must be working wonders, absolutely top quality product right there. 10/10
it was also interesting that like...not only was i not nervous and less awkward than normal, but it didn't feel like...shocking? idk i lost the word i wanted, but like touching someone and having them touch me just felt normal. it wasn't weird or embarrassing or whatever, which again...testament to the cocktail of drugs im on lmao. but anyway, idk. i'm a pretty lowkey person to begin with, but it is hard to tell how you'll react to certain situations until you're there.
anyway it was great actually. i mean the guy was fine, attractive but also kinda basic like... the "do we really need a condom?" kind of basic which was almost funny. textbook "high school peer pressuring boy from the examples in sex ed class" kind of basic. it def wasn't romantic in any way, which is probably better for me at this moment. also it didn't last very long lol, and i didn't cum. not surprising but i did have some hope. thank goodness for the toys i have at home. and then i just left.
i'm sure most people would be shocked or appalled that my first time wasn't "special" or whatever (i didn't tell him i was a virgin, i told him "it's been a long time" cause i'm not gonna date the guy and didn't want to deal with that drama, and also i've used toys so it wasn't my first rodeo in a lot of ways).
but the thing is, most of the moments in my life that were supposed to be special, these milestones people romantacize, they were never that special for me. in fact i missed out on most of those life events entirely, for reasons. so this was really on brand for my life i guess. i'm just glad it was on my terms.
oh also it was truly just a quick fuck, there was no kissing involved, which is even funnier when you think about it cause i've never been kissed cause no one cares about me. lmao. my life is so ass backwards i can only laugh about it at this point.
i will say, it was an amazing confidence boost though. physically i'm in the worst shape i've ever been in, and have been convinced my whole life that no one could possibly find me attractive. but he did. i actually felt sexy. and suddenly i don't feel so... different i guess. idk i'm not saying the words right, but you know what i mean she says to the ether. i genuinely think the adhd meds have also helped, because i've been taking care of myself more lately, in some ways anyway. definitely not with eating food... so i think that helped me have enough confidence to even go for it in the first place. i almost didn't out of habit, but then i was like "bitch you are on this app for literally one reason..."
and also i walked into a bodega and bought condoms and didn't feel weird or embarrassed about that either...
honestly i have been wondering if these meds have maybe numbed my personality a bit, cause there are a lot of things going wrong in my life right now and yet i don't feel the familiar ache and coldness of the depression. but maybe this is how normal people function all the time, and i'm not being numbed i'm just feeling what normal people feelings are supposed to feel like for the first time ever, lmfao. i need a focus group of neurotypicals to compare notes with. "so these barely there feelings is how you experience life all the time? it's not an extreme rollercoaster of emotion? weird." lol.
anyway that's enough of that. i did jokingly say to myself earlier "you should lose your virginty before you have to move back in with family in a month, and for the forseeable future" and i didn't think it would actually happen but then it did lol. high five to myself.
anyway if you're still reading this for whatever reason, and you relate to my anxiety/depression/adhd fun factory combo, and you haven't talked to a doctor about trying meds to help manage, i highly recommend you do. i was so against it for so long, and it took me many years to admit that i needed help. and not just that, but that i WANTED help because i was so tired of struggling every day. but it has been such a relief. it's taken over a year of trying and adjusting meds (and convincing the doc that i definitely have adhd) to get to this point, but it's been so worth it. i feel like i'm finally getting to a place where im actually able to live my life, aside from the I'm Broke factor, and i know for a fact i would be a mess without the antidepressants because i'm literally in the middle of losing everything i've worked for for the past 15+ years, including my home, literally, and yet im able to get out of bed and exist and even laugh! that absolutely would not have been the case 2 years ago. so if you need help, please don't be afraid to ask for it. it's so worth it.
strange moral lesson to end this post with but.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#personal#tmi for sureee#but also#i had a life event#which almost never happens#actually i should specify it was a positive life event#bad and heartbreaking life events happen to me all the time lol
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Stellar death
#dddaily4sherin#day 313 i totally did not mess up the day count yesterday#life series#grian#scott smajor#pearlescentmoon#inthelittlewood#goodtimeswithscar#zombiecleo#3rd life smp#last life smp#double life smp#limited life smp#real life smp#mcyt#trafficblr#traffic smp#my art#i had an epiphany after a certain astro class and have been losing it ever since#screw the solar system make them all (dying/dead) stars!!!!!! (and related events)#and I finally got to do it tdy LMASODAOS HOPE U GUYS LIKE THIS IM VERY HAPPY WITH IT >:D#also ppl who knows astronomy/astrophysics feel free to psychoanalyze the hell out of this. i had sm fun assigning them HEHEHE
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having good & true friends will literally save and protect you in a million unfathomable ways. like okay we have written so many times about lovers. but the way a platonic friend laughs and cries with you. the way they hold your hand at 14 years old and at 34. the way they keep a little silver tie to you, touching base over and over and over. how you can go years without talking, only to re-meet and discover: oh shit! you're still cool!
there are people who have been in my life for more than half of it, and i have loved every version of them. do you know how fucking beautiful that is. yeah love will save the world. but the way friends love you is gonna save the you.
#and before one of u is like '' i have no friends :(" i used to be there too actually#abusive partner cut me off from ALL of 'em. i didn't think i was lovable#it made me EXCEPTIONALLY shy. i still am actually!!!!#i just ... started saying ''yes.''#i would take pictures of flyers in my library and go to whatever events they had#i started taking community classes#if someone mentioned like ''i am gonna start x group'' i actually took a deep breath#and approached them to be like . okay i want in.#i started making the first move with new people - a small compliment#a smile or a little joke. just to share the space with them.#i have MASSIVE social anxiety. bad parent and bad relationship will do that to ya.#but i just... kept going. and going. and going. to each of these little things. and then...#like. .... idk i just am very blessed. i have a STUPID number of friends#a lot of which i reconnected with. bc it turns out love is never wasted. adult life just.#like. gets in the way. but also... i loved u as a weird little kid. i love u now as a weird big adult.#i promise i PROMISE ur friends are out there. u just have 2 find them. and btw#i didn't make friends with everyone. but i did get a lot of people to smile or laugh.#aint that something.#this process took me something like 2 years. it was HARD!!!!!!!!!!#i love u!!! hard things are often worth it!!!
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You have 90 minutes to complete. (original poem: r.a.)
In participation of the MCYT Recursive Exchange 2024 hosted by @mcytrecursive!
Inspired by know that all my love will be your breath (i will save you when your lights go out)
[text under cut]
1. Have you ever been in love? (Please circle your answer.) a. It's me and him b. Our hearts beat in sync c. Our lives intertwined
2. Do you understand what you’ve done? (Please circle your answer.) a. I couldn't do anything b. I lost my balance c. I doomed us both
3. It's been god knows how long since you felt phantom hands on your neck and there is no one in sight. If you were soul-bound to him and both of you died at the same time then why are you still waiting in the void? Please answer clearly, in full sentences. (Not a correct answer:I just wanted to see him one more time).
4. Define two (2): Fate | The feeling of his forehead against yours Curse | The moment you realise he isn't linked to you anymore
5. True or False: i. It was your fault. ii. You wish you had met him under different circumstances. iii. You can’t regret a single moment that you had him. iv. You would do it all over again if you could. v. It ended long before either of you said anything.
thumbnails:
sketch cover thing for imgur link:
#team ranchers#team rancher#rancher duo#jimmy solidarity#tangotek#trafficshipping#mcyt recursive exchange#events#fic fanart#my art#“canary has butterfly-shaped wings it cant do a dramatic spread like that” watch me. (draws dramatic wings) (sorry)#“you have 90 minutes” have been rattling in my brain for so long ever since i suddenly remembering a web weave using it (yes the beeduo one#very glad i can release it (using it in art) from its confines (my mind)#hm i suppose the title would be more in theme if its abt limited life ranchers#← havnt watched limlife yet#but! happy with what i come up with. lil bit proud even#had so much trouble with the panelling and layers in p2 cause it looks too busy (explodes)#also punching the floor bc i only noticed the “yes-no” pair(?) in the original poem when im already half-done w/ the comic#me when making silly comic makes you do poem analysis#i dont even go there ← does not have enough poetic braincells
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Average university experience
#based on real life events#don't do this btw it has horrible long lasting consequences.#finals may be killing you but keep that routine up and they /might actually/ end you#last year I had the idea of a uni au which stayed as various notes. drawings and a few drafts#well I have finally started to work on it recently to flesh it out better#I'm planning to stick to the plan of it being a fun thingy to have. mostly just to put them in Uni Situations yk yk#it's the ultimate projection au for a myriad of reasons. putting vash in my major and ww in one of my most dreaded classes but actually mak#him enjoy it will be therapeutic to me in soooo many ways. loved the class. fuck the teacher tho. ww won't go through the same#however he will be cursed with Knives so wtv#trigun#vash the stampede#trigun stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#vashwood#trigun fanart#vash#wolfwood#nicholas trigun#lenssi draws#Trigun Uni! AU
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i wanted to draw the meme of the twice the size boyfriend cuddling but ended up drawing sidon n link being intimate behind the waterfall-
#sidlink#シドリン#legend of zelda#sidon x link#link#loz#botw#tears of the kingdom#breath of the wild#prince sidon#mochiboniart#things happen hehe#this actually came from an idea in my fic where sidon and link before the events of totk had a secret love life with each other and would#kiss behind their special secret place behind a waterfall#mann i love their love for each other so much#they are happily married in my heart
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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Soon after his escape, Edwin starts to learn about the things he’s missed.
#this is the cenotaph in London btw#also hc their clothes change with their mindset so the bow tie coming undone was on purpose not a consistency error teehee#this is in 1989 not long after they met#I’m having feelings about Edwin learning about historical events#this might be a bit oc for him to cry in front of Charles but I think the adjustment period after his escape must have been pretty rough#*ooc*#most people Edwin knew in life would have lived through ww2#I’m sure he feels conflicted about it#he went to hell but if he had lived his life would have been horrific aswell#my art#dead boy detectives#charles rowland#edwin payne#dead boy detective agency#dead boy detectives art#dead boy detectives fanart#dbda#dbda art#dbda fanart#dbda comic#renew dead boy detectives
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A little drawing, I made of Thuringwethil and Sauron for @fall-for-tolkien 's Scribbles & Drabbles 2024 event! :)
#this is my first time participating in a fandom event :)#wish i had more time to enjoy it :(#life's not really good to me nowadays :/#scribbles & drabbles 2024#silmarillion#silm#tolkien#silm art#mairon#sauron#thuringwethil#illustration#scribbles & drabbles
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i really like how canonically yuu is genuinely supportive of grim wanting to be a great mage. if i recall correctly, even character voice lines point this out. and it seems like yuu dotes on grim a lot and defends him too??? yuu even encourages grim's ambitions whenever he declares wanting to be a great mage. and also when he does that boss-henchhuman dynamic. i mean yeah you can interpret it as yuu saying that being condescending and sarcastic as if they're talking to a child saying "when i grow up i want to be famous!" but like. i really think they're genuine when mc loves grim in their own way.
even if grim is usually a menace, he's become like family to yuu.
and i'm pretty sure grim feels the same way.
think about it this way. despite all the mess, all the unpredictability, the danger, and all the drama being in nrc. what's always the constant? yuu goes home at the end of the day to the ramshackle dorm (basically their home at this point considering they slowly but surely fix it up over time) and with who? “the great mage” grim. as the sole outcasts in that academy, they both sleep soundly knowing they will always have each other at the end of the day.
#2nd anniversary event got me feeling things#and honestly just thinking about that grim overblot theory#if that's true i believe grim's breaking point would be yuu finally beginning to leave through the dark mirror#and then overblotting leaving the dark mirror room in ruins like we see in the beginning of the game#he does not want them to leave#they WILL stay there#the great grim refuses to be alone in that “ramshackle” dorm#[—✦-#-✧ twst rambles#twisted wonderland#twst#twst grim#twst yuu#twst ramshackle#-✦—]#god at first grim was REALLY made to be unlikeable#then overtime (personally) grim had just really grown on you#i will defend grim with my life now >:(
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G.I Incorrect Quotes#114 Wonderful Boy~
Y/n: who's that wonderful boy?~
Wanderer walks in with the most Annoyed scowl holding...a tuckered out mini durin who was introduced to sugar...
Wanderer: what are you looking at?
Y/n: Could he be any cuter!~
Mini*Sucking on wanderer sleeve sleeping giggles*Hat...guy...issh cutest...friend...
Wanderer*Grumbles and rolls eyes...blushing*...Tsk
#genshin impact#genshin#genshin x reader#genshin x y/n#genshin impact x reader#genshin scaramouche#genshin wanderer#genshin kunikuzushi#genshin simulanka#mini durin#wanderer x reader#wanderer x y/n#scaramouche x reader#scaramouche x y/n#kunikuzushi x reader#mini durin i will give my life for you my baby boy-#this event HEALED some trauma i had-#genshin fluff#genshin incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes
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there’s such an attitude among ex-christian atheists that religions just spring up out of the void with no cultural context behind them. like ive heard people say shit like “those (((zionists))) think they own a piece of land bc their book of fairy tales told them so!!!” and they refuse to understand that no, we don’t belong there because of the torah, it’s in the torah because we belong there. because we’re from there. the torah (from a reform perspective) was written by ancient jews in and about the land that they were actively living on at the time. the torah contains instructions for agriculture because the people who lived in the land needed a way to teach their children how to care for it. it contains laws of jurisprudence because those are pretty important to have when you’re trying to run a society. same for the parts that talk about city planning. it contains our national origin story for the same reason that american schools teach kids about the boston tea party. it’s an extremely complex and fascinating text that is the furthest thing from just a “book of fairy tales”
#txt#jumblr#i’ll never forget studying parashat noach one week#and i was discussing it at face value as if it was a real historical event just bc that was the most interesting way for me to approach it#and our clergy associate was like ‘okay but we know this is a fable right?’#that just. *chefs kiss* perfectly encapsulates reform judaism to me#this is also why i cant stand when ppl act like reform jews are somehow less religious#i LOVE torah. i love diving into the text and discussing it w people and exploring the historical context behind the words#and treating it as a document written by a human society rather than coming directly fully formed from hashem#adds such a FASCINATING dimension to analyzing the text#what were we thinking when we wrote this? what had recently been happening around us that might have inspired this passage?#what practical meaning did this particular commandment have for daily life in that time?#i love torah i love history i love anthropology and i love judaism#AND THE NATIONAL ORIGIN STORY AS A NARRATIVE FRAMING FOR ALL THE PRACTICAL LAWS!!!!!!! oooooohhhh i love it
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tfone au where OP is created as the last of the primes but way after them, a sparkling born at what were thought to be the last days of the war against the quintessons, the beginning of a new generation of peace after eons of war. a child meant to be loved and raised knowing nothing of war nor sacrifice.
he's kept mostly out of the spotlight by his siblings, who don't wish to expose him to everyone's optics so young, and want to wait until the war is done and over to properly introduce him to their people.
except of course the primes are betrayed and murdered by sentinel, the war is lost and everyone who knows and cared for the truth is either banished or outright killed in order to suppress it.
and the high guard, the ones the primes trusted the most, the ones that were supposed to protect them, the ones who failed in their most important duty, have to make a choice. to take the last prime, their last hope, with them to the surface, a hostile environment where there's little to no supplies and where they'll be hunted down by both sentinel and the quintessons as the biggest threat to their regimen.
or hide him in plain sight. place him where sentinel won't think to look for him. one more sparkling among many. and hope it will be enough to keep him alive. pray to primus that he'll protect his last child long enough for them to come back for him when it's safer (even if most of them have already lost their faith on him when he allowed the rest of his children to be massacred like that)
they almost lose their resolve when they realize they will have to take the little one's cog away in order to make him blend in with the rest of the newborns (and oh do they burn with murderous intent when they see what sentinel has done to their people but it's not the time yet-) but in the end they decide an impaired little prime is better than a dead one.
and so in the chaos of thirteen dead primes and a sudden energon crisis, a little sparkling who very few mechs really knew about and even fewer had seen completely vanishes. and in the depths of iacon a mech in charge of a new batch of newborns scratches their helm in confusion as they realize they must have miscounted the first time.
optimus prime is quietly erased from any official records by sentinel, written off as dead when they find a sparkling's frame mangled beyond recognition after an attack on the base of those rebels that insist on being a thorn on his side. killing the sparkling hadn't been precisely in his plans, he probably could've found some use for it after all, but he's not particularly upset about it either.
and orion pax grows up with an ache on his spark that tells him he's missing something far more important than a t-cog and dreams of gentle and loving hands, cradling him against the frames of mechs he cannot recall the faces of.
#i talk a lot <3#transformers#transformers one#tfone#optimus prime#orion pax#baby prime orion au#this is mostly an excuse for me to draw the primes and baby OP later on. just to be clear.#i WILL be drawing this at some point lmao#tbh i'm a little uncertain how i want things to progress#because on one hand it would be very tasty and tense if sentinel recognized optimus during the race#but that means a lot of changes very early on in the plot and i would have to do a lot of Thinking on how to justify getting the gang#to still pick up bee and elita. cause i love them <3#i do think it'd be very funny if the high guard's plan worked like a charm except for the very tiny fact that they didn't count#on orion being an absolute hellion. like. this kid is Not Going Unnoticed and it's completely his own fault lmao#in this version maybe a member of the high guard stayed behind to keep an eye on orion and is able to get them out before they're killed#but instead of taking them to where the primes fell they take them directly to the high guard#which is very awkward because it's a very moving and emotional moment for the high guard who are finally reunited with their little prime#all grown up and healthy and blessedly *alive*. except orion doesn't fucking remember any of them and is very confused as to why#the legendary warriors of cybertron are getting all weepy over him. they finally explain the truth to him which is a Fucking Bomb#to drop on anyone but especially a group of kids who almost got killed by the person they all thought the world of just hours ago#they also return orion's t-cog to him which would create some tension between him and the rest of the gang because this time#he's the only one getting his cog back. add to it that they were just told he's the equivalent of a demi-god and... well.#there's a gap between him and them that wasn't there before#on the other version of events that follows canon more closely everything goes the same up until the gang finds the primes in the cave#and wake up alpha trion who now not only has to deal with the fact the rest of his siblings are dead but that he missed fifty cycles#of his baby brother's life. that the only sibling he has left does not remember him or his true identity at all.#he has to choose between telling him the truth which has the risk of unbalancing him in a critical moment where he cannot afford to#be distracted because they're being hunted down. or let him remain unaware. let him forget their family and the love they had for him#but letting him remain free of the knowledge of what he lost and the heartbreak it would bring.
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He’s bragging about how things went at the PTA meeting. Very classy, very mindful, very demure.
#okay this might be a repost because I cannot for the life of me figure out if i posted this before#like i was trying to search all my tag and couldnt find this and i was like…. did I not post this???#Anyways this is my underfell Papyrus#he’s on the surface and has major goofy silly dad vibes#His underground was still a tough and difficult place but likely not as cruel as most Underfell AUs#Like yes he had to be mean and he had to hurt others to maintain respect#but now that he’s on the surface he doesn’t have to put on a tough guy act#He can finally explore what he truly wants to do and become#so he’s into designing clothes#loves uniforms but overall enjoys creating clothes for himself and those who are close to him for various events#Papyrus#Papyrus au#papyrus with more fangs#Underfell#underfell au#underfell papyrus#underfell!Papyrus#my art#a-snowpoff#my oc art
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An almost Valentine
#gordon freeman#barney calhoun#freehoun#half life#half life 2#ponderingradioactivedecay#idoindeeddraw#damn near missed valentines day#i fuckign didnt realize it was today until the day was more than half way over smhhhhh#had to rush this shit out man lmao#i missed a whoel ass event for today as well so i gotta make it tmr and post it late which mega sucks..#so damn bad at remembering dates bruh major skill issue on my part
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sorry but do you ever think about the fact that the bernard we have today is a direct amalgamation of everything that happened in his past and i know that sound like such an obvious statement to say but it actually kills me to know that you can draw a direct line from who he is today all the way back to that sixteen year old boy who watched his best friend bleed out. like it is the defining moment in his life. it fundamentally shaped who he is and the person he's become. he is the bernard we know and love not despite the grieves shooting but because of it. because the gangs all got together and shot up his school. because tim walked out of that room with nothing but a baseball bat. because his darla got shot. because he watched her gasp and cry as she died. because he watched the blood coagulate around the wound. because he sat there and held her hand as her life drained out of her. because he walked into school that day with a joke he knew would make her laugh and her nose would scrunch up and she'd snort a little and tim would roll his eyes at him and call him ridiculous and instead he walked out with a bloody white shirt, blood under his fingernails, and two friends less. because, even now, almost half a decade out from the shooting, he thinks that if he closes his eyes, he will always be that stupid, scared little sixteen year old, holding the cooling body of dead best friend.
#there is a direct throughline from the boy we meet in robin 121 all the way to man tim reconnects with in urban legends 4#like maybe you guys have other interpretations of it but to me this is *the* defining moment in his life#and that's not to say that he perpetually bound to this traumatic event but it impacted him sooo much that his life is now divided#before shooting and after shooting#like you cannot tell me him falling into the cult was just something that happened to him#it happened bc he was in such a bad place from watching his friend die and then on top of that he loses contact with tim!!!!#this is his canon event!!!!#if you took it away from him if you made it so that he never had to go through it#the bernard we would get would not be the same bernard we got in urb leg4 and tdr#does it not make you want to chew on drywall that to get to the bear we love he has watch his darla die first????#head in hands head in hands#and it wasnt like batman came immediately after darls died!!! iirc they had to wait a little before he came#which means!!!!! alll those kids but bear esp had to sit in that room with darls' dead body until batman came!!!!!#do you think he cried and held her hand until batman came??? do you think he begged her not to go??? or do you think he told her#stories and made promises of all the things they were gonna do after they got out??? do you think he put pressure on the wound and#watched as the blood soaked through the jacket they were using as a towel??? and when she finally passed do you think he bit his lip#clean through to stop himself from wailing? bc if he's too loud the gunmen will hear them and he cannot be the reason jay from#history dies#auuuugh i cant fucking do this anymore#bernard dowd#timbern#darla aquista#louis grieve trio
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