#which have been on my mind literally CONSTANTLY
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About Zayne's nightmares...
The most unrealistic thing about Zayne is that he's a functional working adult that seemingly has put his life together at 27 not because he's young or a prodigy but because he's said to have nightmares since he was 12?? Like... I feel like this theme might be a bit overlooked but just think about it deeply, having constant nightmares fucks your mind like really REALLY bad, I can genuinely say this by experience and also as someone who has had trouble to have a healthy sleeping schedule since I was at highschool (like, for example, right now, I should be sleeping instead of writing this...).
There was a time I would have nightmares almost everytime I went to sleep during a really hard time in my life. Of course, the topic about those nightmares was almost always the same, not like the nightmares repeated themselves but they always revolved about the same things that I was actually working in therapy at the moment. Back then I was jobless and medicated most part of the time, I was pretty dysfunctional.
I suppose that's why when I listened to "Fragmented Dreams" for the first time it was the time I said "Yeah, this is my man". I love how he's always nagging MC about sleeping early because I know by experience that not sleeping properly can mess up with your mind pretty bad, and probably he knows it too. It truly is a showcase of love how he worries about her sleep like that and it also showcases how strong minded he is for enduring too much stress and remind kind constantly.
I love how healthy he is. I like to think that he's overcome all the stressful stuff he's gone thru bc of his discipline and healthy life style, but realistically it would take him some more to deal with all of that.
Yes, all of the guys have been through some very rough stuff and they all need therapy, but my point with Zayne comes with the fact that not having a good sleeping schedule and on top of that having constant nightmares can mess up with your perception of reality and induce you a bad depression or other mental health issues. Everytime I remember Zayne's main story branch when they're trapped in Zayne's dream and MC leaves him alone and he starts listening to Willian, Georgie and his Mom so he has to remind himself "It's not real, it's not real" I deeply feel that and I just want to hug him so bad :(
I think I'd like to see a card where they explore the consecuences of their past in their psyche more deeply. I can't help remembering this post which was one of the first posts you unlock with Zayne:
It was there when I just knew that even if he looked quiet, he had a lot to say but didn't know how to express.
Another thing I'd like to highlight about this is that actually I love the emotional maturity that Zayne displays about dealing with such issues like nightmares, traumatic experiences and literally being exposed to see people dying 24/7 while being someone that feels a lot yet says little. He's dealt with this the best way he can, no wonder why he came to be quite serious and inexpressive or sarcastic. Not allowing himself to express other emotions than seriousness or sarcasm was like keeping himself in check so he wouldn't spill everything he feels and considering how stressing is his job already, it just makes sense, but that didn't mean Zayne didn't feel because he feels too much and too deeply and worries sick about ppl and especially about MC.
Of course, bottling up his emotions wasn't the best way to deal with them but he never used any unhealthy coping mechanism neither, like alcohol, for example (My teetotaler King ❤️) etc. Yeah, his workaholism isn't exactly healthy but not something toxic to his mind and relationships, and I've always had a feeling that he's a big foodie and addicted to sweets to give himself that boost of serotonine he needs so bad.
That's why he compares MC with sweets, being her his favorite dessert, bc she's brought all that serotonine to his life naturally and has helped him let go little by little. When he opened to her about losing Dulcie, I had a feeling that Zayne always wanted someone to listen to him but he didn't know how to ask for it and ppl around him was too afraid to even dare to suggest it. I think even in one of his anecdotes, it is said that sometimes Dr Noah wanted to tell him something but at the end ended up saying nothing.
The fact that Zayne bottled up his emotions didn't mean that he wouldn't willingly share them, he wanted to but wasn't used to it. With MC, he's slowy started to let it go and enjoy life more, allowing himself to be sad in front of her, to express his fears (about losing her) or to express his childish tantrums and indulge in his softest side. That's why also she's not only his favorite dessert but also his best painkiller ❤️
And just to finish, I've always thought this quote by Kafka fits him so well:
"Remember, you should sleep more than other people, for I sleep less than most. And I can’t think of a better place to store my unused share of universal sleep than in your beloved eyes."
#love and deepspace#zayne love and deepspace#zayne#lads zayne#l&ds zayne#l&ds#lnds#love and deepspace zayne
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28th november fic rec!
*welcome to the final show*
this is the last 28th appreciation of 2024 for me, as i'll be posting my 2024 fic recs in the last week of december so ill just include my december recs in there :)
so! here's my november fic recs:
Eternal Summer (65K) by j_klmnop
After the death of his estranged father, Harry makes the trip from London to Naples, Italy to say his goodbyes. He has seven days before the funeral and since he's on summer break from university, he decides to make a road trip out of it.
His carefully planned trip is thrown a loop when he meets a beautiful blue eyed hitchhiker named Louis, who is trying to escape his controlling family. With no destination in mind— just the desire to get as far away as possible, Louis decides to tag along for the ride to Italy, with plans to continue on once they arrive.
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now that we're alone (say you hate me) (18K) by 28goldensfics | @28goldens
Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are Co-Project Managers, constantly bickering at work, always finding themselves at odds, and competing to be the best. When a scheduling mishap with their company’s timeshare forces them to share a summer vacation, they're less than thrilled. But, as they navigate their time together, they realize that their animosity might be masking something a bit deeper than the hate.
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reminiscence (259K) by Fxckinf
“I’ll always look after you.” Louis whispers.
“Always?”
“Always and forever, Harold.”
Or
Louis and Harry were the friends that fell in love and then broke up. Harry tries to navigate having his ex in his friendship group, which only gets harder when it becomes apparent that there’s a secret.
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if we were butterflies (52K) by blueskiesrry | @blueskiesrry
“Is this how I used to look at you?” His hand hovers just over the collarbone of the sculpture, like he’s caught between wanting to touch and wanting to pull away, wanting to leave and wanting to stay.
Eyes stuck on Harry, unaware of anything else in the room, Louis whispers, “Something like that,” wondering now if he ever quite did it justice.
or: after recruiting harry to model for his sculptures and coming to know all his edges, louis loses him to a life more prosperous than he can provide. he finds harry again four years later.
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Seeing Blind (46K) by zedi
Louis finally turns his head in Liam’s direction, knows his face is showing the longing he’s been aching with ever since it took root in his chest. “What the fuck do I do, Liam? He wouldn’t want me like that, but I want-” his voice cracks, and he turns his face back downwards. “What do you do when you’re not perfect for the person who’s perfect for you?”
OR the one where Harry’s an independent omega who likes to have his fun and Louis is the blind alpha that changes Harry’s priorities.
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Stars over Amsterdam (4K) by HelloLovers13 | @hellolovers13
Louis remembers how stressed they were, trying to get tickets at all. The waiting for the email with the code, which only Louis got, the actual On-sale. How Harry stood behind him, peeling at his nails nervously. Trying not to distract Louis.
But it had all gone smoothly and he had gotten the tickets within just a few minutes.
Harry had jumped around Louis’s chair in excitement like a bouncing ball. Already starting to plan their outfits.
A gold fringe dress for Harry, Fearless was his favourite album, after all, and a matching shirt he had found online for Louis. So people could tell right away they were an item.
That was their plan. Before it all went to shit.
or
Fate in form of Eras Tour tickets forces Louis to meet up with his Ex.
Hopefully soon to be Ex-Ex.
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[series] I See Us in Black & White (70K) by Ioudloudlove
Harry Styles is just your average 20-something. He followed his soul to a new town and now he works hard as a barman and lives alone in his little house. That is until he's swept off his feet... literally.
When Harry regains consciousness, his entire world has changed. Everything that was once black and white is now flooded with colour. And the first person he sees is his soulmate...Liam.
What Harry didn't count on was Liam's best mate...Louis. What is it about him that Harry just can't let go of? Why has his entire world been turned around? And is it really possible to walk away from your soulmate to chase a dream?
Original Prompt:
soulmate au where you see the world in black-and-white until you meet your soulmate. Harry Styles meets two people at once at the moment he first sees in colour, makes the wrong choice, and falls in love with the right one anyway
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Whole Lot of History (73K) by Blue_Green28 | @bluegreen28fics
Louis and Harry have a whole lot of history. With 3 children coming out of their twelve years long marriage they are essential parts of each other's lives even though they have moved on with new partners since their divorce ten years ago. Or have they?
What happens when Harry finally gets some money to open the coffee shop he had always dreamed of and they spend more time together to plan everything? Does their love still have a chance?
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Not having a breakdown! (I'm just here for the kid.) (28K) by louisismycat (tiflamomet) | @liminalkitty369
Harry has to park outside his ex-husband’s (Louis) wedding so that he can whisk their kid away if a meltdown ensues during the day. Guests will not know this and will only see him parked outside, it cannot be stressed enough, his ex-husband’s wedding.
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Hazelbridge (77K) by CoolCrying
Nestled in the heart of the Yorkshire Dales, the tiny town of Hazelbridge has been home to Louis and his family for generations. Heir to his grandfather's historic bookshop, Louis lives a quiet but happy life, providing a hub for the town's many queer people, and indulging his love for books. That is, until Harry Styles comes to town.
This is the story of a town and two bookshops. It's the story of a family, and two boys with very different stories, who fell in love.
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At Least Let Me Buy You Dinner First (35K) by Anonymouis
“I said, Harry. As in Styles. AKA you. You’re pretty and certainly a piece of art if you ask me.” Louis mewls.
“Oh,” Harry breathes. He takes a moment taking in Louis.
Louis watches his eyes work their way all over his face and body trying to read him. Luckily, he knows just how to read Harry. The moment their eyes meet again, Louis leans in a little at a time, as slowly as possible. His heart racing, giving Harry all the time to back out, but then, Harry is reaching around Louis’ wrist and sliding their hands together, lacing their fingers and leaning in as well.
Then…
The bell above the door rings.
They both pull back at light speed, sniffling and coughing from almost being caught. Harry trips over his own feet with the force that he used. Giggles fall from both of them while Louis steadies him.
“First day with legs there, bambi?”
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Come What May (58K) by j_klmnop
Louis didn't believe in love at first sight until he met his neighbour Harry, the gorgeous man in the apartment next door who saved lives and had a smile that made his knees weak.
Louis was determined that today was the day he would finally grow some balls and ask Harry on a date.
Until his plans were disrupted by an unexpected delivery. One that would surely ruin his chances at any kind of love life.
Or, maybe it would be just what Louis needed to bring he and Harry closer together.
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2 a.m. texts (30K) by everysingleday
Harry has just come out and, with his best friend Louis’ support, he might finally be brave enough to go on a date with the guy he’s been chatting with on a dating app. Meanwhile, there’s a cat that wants to murder Louis, a fast-approaching deadline for Harry to find a new place to live, and this minor situation wherein he and Louis can’t seem to stop making out. It’s not a big deal. Louis is just being supportive.
—
aka, a practice kissing fic.
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Roman Empire (11K) by Speechless
One day Louis answers Liam's phone while he is in the shower.
That's how he meets Harry, Liam's friend who moved to Italy just a while ago.
And that's how Liam loses ownership of his phone.
“Do they sleep on the other side of the bed in Italy?”
He hears Harry laugh for a moment.
“I sleep right in the middle,” Harry replies. “Because no one will marry me.”
Louis bites back a little smile.
“Have you asked enough people?”
“The old lady walking her dog, just now.” Harry confirms. “She said no.”
Written for the BLFF 2024
Based on prompt 205: A Larry fic that includes the “I love you,” “no, you don’t” convo.
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stat time!!
948,562 words read (2% less than last month)
25 fics read (4% less than last month)
25 authors (0% more than last month)
🍫 for you for making it this far
#28th appreciation#fic rec#larry fics#hljournal#tracking happily#monthly fic rec#tracksintheam#trackinghome#november fic rec#larry fic rec#hlficlibrary#larry fic#ao3 feed larry#1d fic library#larry stylinson
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Viktor's character through The Line lyrics
I can't fight this time, now.
How tired do you think Viktor is of pain, of having to constantly bear his ill, weak, failing body that has been dragging him down for so many years? How hard has it been that he's so tired he can't fight it any longer?
Honestly, I thought I was fully prepared for the threshold in store.
I guess I never really faced my fears before.
How scared do you think he is of losing himself one final time and for good? Is it why he has conjured the Hex-Sky, to remind himself of who he was and what he stood for? To keep him on course? Like an echo of himself, that now he has to abandon?
Stay with me.
Keep the memories of who I was before.
I think that's really heart-wrenching how he's equally scared and doesn't want to face it alone, and at the same time, he's trying to keep a part of himself alive somewhere, even in someone else's mind.
Did I disappoint you?
I do interpret the whole song as both a dialogue with himself and with Jayce. I like to think that after their Council room session, they kept some mental connection, and here it's Viktor asking the question to both Jayce and himself.
Stay your pretty eyes on course.
Do you think it's the first time Viktor refers to Jayce's eyes as pretty? Do you think, if it is in fact a dialogue, it feels like a slap to Jayce? Like he can't breathe, like it hurts, like he wants to scream but there is no air as it is far too late.
I guess I never really faced my fears before.
Now you may say, "But Viktor was once literally prepared to die." Sure, but that time he would have died before losing himself. That was the whole point: leave while still remaining precisely who he was. And now he's at the verge of completely destroying everything his very self is and going against his every principle, which is precisely the worst of his fears.
Now to the angstiest parts.
Sure, there's nothing left to try?
I do believe that is meant like a question, same as "stay with me?" Like a final cry for help, like he's hoping Jayce — or something — might save him after all. Like if maybe Jayce would have intervened right here, right now, while they're all gathered around Viktor's hex-egg thing, he would have changed his mind immediately. Which is also why it's sort of full of contradictions and questions like he's babbling - stay with me but I'd rather you not, will they let me over if a do that... But there is no answer, and nobody is there for him anymore.
Will they still let me over?
This I tend to interpret in quite a biblical way, as in "people who, let's say, cross the line are not let into heaven." So... yeah, they won't, and even if there is I guess no details on Piltover's religion it's still ment in a rhetorical way as Viktor knows they won't, there is no possible redemption after this. And what Viktor is worrying about is not "crossing the line of shroom genocide" but more "crossing the line of not existing anymore" (I again think it's literally in the text, barely an interpretation). Like he is leaving his final note, and while he's writing it, he tries to find something, anything, that would keep him from doing the thing. But, again, there is nothing left aside from the light on his face.
Again, for me, this being a dialogue, I also feel like the "stay your pretty eyes on course" is his way of shutting Jayce up when the su*c*de metaphor gets too close to the surface. Like Jayce would start to protest, and Viktor would shush him. It even translates in the rhythm of the lyrics:
What could be, my final form Stay your pretty eyes on course
Honestly, I thought I was fully prepared for The threshold in store Stay your pretty eyes on course.
So yeah, I think the way it's so tender but also so devastating and desperate is probably one of the most beautiful, brilliant things the show gave us.
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so i lost my drawing tablet's stylus a month ago and i've given up on looking for it and ordered a new one instead because i can no longer stand not to be drawing david suchet's eyes. bitch what
#i've such a weakness for brown eyes#and his are so soft and sad#and kind#i've been reading agatha christie lately and started watching the poirot series yesterday and poirot's eyes#they captivate me#i haven't been drawing in a LONG while because before christmas i had to focus on painting cards and making presents#and i realised i'd lost the stylus a month ago and have looked for it frenziedly#is that a word?#anyway it's not to be found anywhere#i've looked in every conceivable place and quite a few inconceivable ones!#i even tidied all of my assorted yarn bags and other miscellaneous bags i keep around the place#(6 yarn bags and 7 bags of assorted accoutrements i keep having to step around because i ''will definitely need them soon'')#recruited my mum too when she was staying here for a few nights for a hospital visit#i've gutted my armchair and everything i just can't find it#and i've finally had enough i HAVE to be able to draw beautiful brown eyes#taika's eyes#which have been on my mind literally CONSTANTLY#like multiple times a day every single day#in my fucking DREAMS even#and samson kaye's eyes#and vico ortez's eyes#and david tennant's lovely eyes#mads mikkelsen's eyes#keira knightley's eyes#natalie portman's eyes#tessa thompson's eyes#billie piper's eyes#emma watson's eyes#and now david suchet's eyes#I HAVE TO DRAW BROWN EYES
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Accidently cooked up a silly little au the other day that I am very much enjoying gonna. talk about it under the cut because4 the FUCKING WORMS
OKAY so basically. literally everythign is the same except for the fact that. Ed got entirely yoinked instead of Alphonse. I dunno why that happens but. It does because I say so. Anyways. So this basically mean that Ed gets bonded to an armor instead of Al, and because I desperately wanted the secondary set of Armor to see some light I thought it would be funny to bond Ed to that instead. I haven't fleshed everything out, but as I'm working on that I wanna add a few of the different things in here just because. And I still might tweak things if I think it doesn't make sense. - Al lost his arm first, then traded his tongue and his eye to bond Ed to the armor, making him effectively mute. He's learned ASL and Ed has to translate for him a lot. Although in my hcs Al is a foodie so like. major bummer for taste buds. He likes fun textures and stuff though. I gotta figure out what problems this poses though so we'll figure that out. - Al most likely is going to go into being a state alchemist just for the fact of staying somewhat close to the storyline and stuff. and I don't know, insert random reasoning in here. Yeah - just a little design note. uhmmmmm I thought the cross thing on Ed's head/helm was cool and I had the bright idea of like "hey what if I put the emblem like. through the cross yk" and I might not do that. But at the moment it looks cool to me. so yeah. I'M STILL TOYING WITH THINGS. . . I have to figure out what happens and designs and stuff. but yeah. I think that covers. what I have for now. p sick. scuttles away
#uhmmm. fuck I'm not entirely sure which things to tag bc I've been referencing the manga for a lot of this. but fuck it we ball#fmab#fma brotherhood#fma manga#fma#fullmetal alchemist#fullmetal alchemist brotherhood#fma au#alphonse elric#edward elric#yeah lets go with that#Spenxer Lou Art#lou is an artist#Honestly this is. kinda like a role swap a little but. But not entirely. and probably not too original but I'm having fun#Anyways. I have to say that the first time I realized there were two sets of armor#It literally never left my mind I've been constantly wondering like what would happen if al was put in the other one idk#But then I accidentally made this AU in the shower where Ed gets yoinked instead of Al#so then I was like HOLY FUCK I CAN YSE THE EXTRA SET OF ARMOR#which. holy fucking hell. I've literally have two single fucking panels to reference from. which is hell. but I fucking love it#anyways. uhm. yeah teehee
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Hornet headcanon!
'Hornet' is not Hornet's true name.
I'm still torn between different reasonings for her having the name either
A- It was given to her as an honorary title, by Queen Vespa, during her training within the hive (or bestowed upon her after having finished her training as a symbol of her accomplishments.)
Or B- She gave the name to herself, after the fall of the kingdom, as a way to separate her current self from her past while still honoring some part of her past. (The part that is easiest for her to look back on.)
As for her birth name my sisters and I have decided on Arachnè. (The name is from a Greek myth, where the protagonist Arachnè challenges Athena to a weaving contest, wins, and is afterwards transformed into a spider.)
#I'm pretty sure it's said somewhere#I might just be making this up but either way I like that idea#That the hive was only recently infected.#And like the mantises they could not be infected against their will but willingly turned to the radiance#because living under a hive mind is what they were used to#and their queen who had been protecting them had died.#Anyway all of this is to say#Hornet did not have any very terrible memories or trauma related to the hive at least for the majority of the time.#Which is why she stuck to a name associated with that aspect of her life.#Also! On a somewhat related note I really enjoy the headcanon that the Pale King's true name is Ozymandias that is perfect I'm keeping that#Hollow knight#hk hornet#hollow knight hornet#hollow knight headcanon#Also yes I recognize that there are several flashbacks scenes in my fic where she is referred to as Hornet#Which doesn't align with this headcanon unless we go with option A maybe#But either way idc#I have literally been constantly learning and coming up with new hcs and theories ever since getting into hk#They don't always align#Being in the hk fandom is so fun guys#Wow this is a lot of tags ok I'm done
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casey also talks about sepang 2015 what do you think of that
oh in that podcast? uh... lemme listen again...
yeah idk it's not really anything new I'd say? he's said basically all the same stuff in more interesting and extensive ways elsewhere. I think casey inevitably has a very 'well feuding is bad and helps nobody' point of view, has expressed that before in the past, does it here again, and he's also drawn a parallel between himself and marc on several occasions. which... well, of course there's similarities in terms of public discourse or whatever, but the parallel really falls apart whenever casey argues the feuds cost valentino. like, I do think it's sometimes important to just. keep in mind. it's interesting that casey draws this comparison in his mind but that doesn't necessarily means he's right about this. I'm not sure how you'd argue that starting a feud with casey cost valentino anything competitively? you can argue it didn't help him I guess, and then we can have a debate about the ins and outs of the 2008 season. we can also have an argument that in a hypothetical world where casey isn't ill in 2009, valentino doesn't break his leg and casey isn't on a piece of junk in 2010, and valentino isn't on a piece of junk in 2011-12, then actually maybe valentino sparking open animosity with casey COULD have cost him. but we don't know that! didn't happen! I wish we could have found out, but we never got the chance! as it stands, the tally on this is pretty straightforward: casey won the title when things were reasonably civil between them in 2007, and valentino took control of the following season at the exact moment he worsened the relationship between the pair of them in 2008. obviously, it's all more complicated than that and casey would of course argue laguna didn't negatively affect his subsequent performances... but it certainly didn't help them. like, at the very worst valentino escalating tensions in 2008 is a complete net neutral. after 2009, them being bitchy to each other every other tuesday was completely competitively irrelevant beyond maybe affecting how they approached occasionally fighting for a podium position. hey, maybe casey used that feud to fire himself up through sheer spite throughout the later stages of his career, but that doesn't actually support his anti-feud stance - it's basically the exact same thing as what valentino does. they're both quite similar in that regard! always so hungry to prove a point, to show how someone else is wrong. kinda half the point with this feuding business is to get yourself going, get yourself motivated, yeah. he straight up openly admits to using yamaha's repeat rejection of him as a way of giving himself motivation, and at the end of the day that's really not all that different?
anyway, what else does casey say... oh yeah, that him and the other aliens were already kinda prepared for this and had learned vale's tricks. that valentino had only been able to get into the minds of the previous generation. welllllll *wiggles hand* sure, I mean, he did clearly have to change his approach... he couldn't just use the exact same playbook to get to them, either on-track or off-track. but that's why he did change up the playbook... again, whether you want to believe valentino won his final two titles 'in the head' rather than just through pure pace kinda depends on how you assess the evidence, but it is at the very least a debate. and, y'know, it's always worth remembering that valentino's most important mind games with casey didn't happen in a press conference... it was on the track. and the on-track stuff really is just embedded in how valentino approaches winning. speaking of aliens, this is what dani and jorge have said:
like, valentino's entire approach to his riding, even to the way he's setting his bike up, is deliberately about directly fucking with you... he's not actually always trying to be faster than you as much as he's trying to give himself the tools to make your life miserable, to pressure you into mistakes, etc etc... and again, especially with casey (if anything because he was so mentally sturdy), the off-track stuff was really just window dressing. (I know they bicker a lot after 2009 but it's just so fundamentally irrelevant to actual on-track competition.) so you can be aware of those tricks, but it also doesn't necessarily help you when someone's being nasty to you on-track in a way you just fully do not enjoy. which is what it was like for casey! for casey, a lot of this comes back to the truly unpleasant context of how he was perceived by the public, how he was treated as mentally weak or 'broken' or whatever partly because he had the misfortune of coming up against a bloke who had the reputation for breaking rivals. I think it's quite natural to end up with a bit of a hardliner 'actually I've never been mentally affected by a result in my life' stance - and of course casey is a lot tougher than a lot of people give him credit for. that being said. sometimes your rivals affect you, shit happens, it's part of the game. it's fundamentally a nice idea to think that valentino's tactics weren't just morally wrong but also ineffective, which is kind of the appeal of this narrative, right? you want to believe you're above that, you want to believe you were adequately prepared and wise to valentino's tactic. it's unsurprising and understandable that casey does tend to tell the story that way, but again it's *wiggles hand* also hard to describe it as completely factual
uh. what else. oh I'm thrilled casey does canonically know valentino and marc were friends, he has said he wasn't following motogp too much during that time period so you couldn't be sure of that. does this mean anything? does it tell you anything? well, no, but it's just a pleasing thought to me. I like that. oh also 'provoking particularly aggressive riders isn't a good idea' is kinda a funny take from casey? like, he of all people would hate the idea of being cowed by someone's reputation like that... casey's right that provoking fast riders can potentially be dangerous, but y'know I do think that's probably not news to anyone almost nine years later. um. that's all I've got I think
#i will say idm getting asks like this AT ALL but i do hope that's not like. the only bit of the podcast people are paying attention to#my thing with sepang 2015 takes is that like... when's the last time anyone has said anything genuinely interesting about that event#which yes big words from the feud blogger... but in fairness a lot of the sepang 2015 stuff is from old notes. that's my excuse idc#but that's kinda the thing... i feel like i haven't really had a new original thought about the whole drama for three plus years#u do kinda run out. basically the takes say more about the person saying them than about the actual event at this point#which. yeah. casey's comments on sepang '15 are primarily interesting in what they tell you about how he feels towards valentino#mind u he's actually quite nice about valentino in this one? casey call him let's finally organise that dinner#heretic tag#//#brr brr#batsplat responds#oh casey does go on another spiel against riders who win at all costs. ships that passed in the night of feuds i always say#also he gets the age he enters the premier class at wrong. i held myself back in the last post from pointing this out for tonal reasons#but if people want my podcast hot takes. i do simply have to mention it. just to set the record straight here#'they battle for podium places after 2009' genuinely. twice. like the alien era giveth but a lot of the time it really does just taketh#somewhat ironically casey wins the duel when he's on the shitty ducati and vale wins the duel when he's on the even shittier ducati#whatever that tells you idk#casey was always promising the laguna rematch would've gone differently and I love that conceptually but also we just don't know#he was like next time I WON'T play nice and it's like?? omg what does that look like. casey what were you cooking#for ethical reasons it's probably fine but for character arc reasons it's objectively ass that casey ended up being able to do all his -#- racing in a way he was entirely comfortable with for his second title in 2011. like it's just a complete waste of a year#you have this whole thing building for four years and then 2010 comes along and it's like. well that's enough narrative intrigue now! <3#also casey/jorge are fundamentally too interesting as individuals to have had such an obscenely boring on-track rivalry and yet here we are#it KILLS me because if you rearranged it and made valentino's dogshit ducati years like. 2009 or something#and do a straight title fight between jorge and casey THEN I genuinely think it would've been way more interesting#the problem with valentino is that he is fundamentally the WORST imaginable character you could invent to be casey's foil#literally everything about valentino could have been designed to be a casey-specific nightmare#but unfortunately that also makes him objectively the most interesting rival casey could have gotten#like morally it's on the edge. but narratively? literally could not have gotten a better villain in casey's story#constantly dancing on this faustian line of having to imitate valentino to beat him while trying not to lose yourself... juicy
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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the whole 'there are not very many Great Causes worth fighting for these days' from Julian scanned as WAY more out of touch than the moon landing thing for me the first time i read tsh
#like to the point of it being actively jarring when i got to him saying that#the secret history#'they landed on the moon??' well okay i guess it's not really their area#and they've been really out of touch with the news since it's also not really their area + they've been#off to the woods/a country house/etc and getting very drunk and killing deer and also people#i don't remember the exact dates re the moonlanding + the events of the book but like.#Sure. that's probably fair or at least kind of understandable#that could Feasably Happen On Accident at least#but julians like 'there isn't much worth fighting for these days' and um.#if you pay attention to literally anything happening in the world at any given moment at all. ever.#....what? literally what do you mean by this?#there have always been So So many Great Causes that people are dying for all the time constantly forever#and even if you've somehow managed to comoletely block out literally every piece of news/political development/etc#that's not really a reason to assume there Aren't. that's a reason to go like. well if there are any Great Causes left today then#I don't know about them. and even if we assume he's defining what makes a cause worth fighting for by classical values#and saying that that means for example that he wouldn't necessarily think of say the civil rights movement or liberatory movements etc#as fitting (which i think is also probably debatable- it comes to mind that the athenians valued (their own) freedom. political engagement#was valued but only the right kind from the right people. etc. what i'm saying is that#no i don't think they actually fit what julian would be thinking of as the classical mind's* idea of a great cause worth dying for#but also you could debate that/frame things differently/etc (*presumably there is a more particular subset of the population he has in mind#than just 'classical' or 'greek' in actuality. like. specifically those from whom we having writing/would have citizenship/etc.))#i'm certain there are plenty of arguments to be made. like plenty of people are fighting for various countries#it's not like wars or empires have stopped existing or other myriad conflicts have stopped existing#also in typing this i've realised he was maybe forshadowing henry's death#and now i need to go look up the exact quote and make another post i guess.#(also disclaimer that i'm aware i've phrased a lot of this clumsily. it is midnight these are the tags of a tumblr post and i am not sober.)#anyway to rephrase my initial point i just think with the moon landing thing that's One major event you missed.#if you're saying that there are No Great Causes Worth Fighting/Dying For (with the understanding that you think those are a thing#that can exist) then i think maybe you managed to skip out on hearing about significantly more#than just the one major event. that's much harder to manage i would think
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get fucking ready you guys. tomorrow it's fitz friday
#i'll actually make intro stuff for my oc f/os i prommy. i need you all to see my boyfriend's beautiful vision#and bragging about my f/os that are their ocs is also bragging about them because they're so awesome and smart and creative and cool and#sweet and cute and funny and i know this is a blog about being in love with fictional guys but also i need you all to know how in love i am#with my real life partner. like. whatever. not to brag but also totally to brag. i have never shared myself so fully with someone let alone#done that and have them love all of it. and i love all of them too. and that includes the little guys in their brain (which is huge and#wrinkly and full of neurons) and basically i want to talk about their writing all the time.#it's been The Main Thing i care about literally for like 5 years now. other interests come and go but i'm a vargonhead through it all#like it's my second longest/most consistent interest behind t.olkien stuff#and i pester them about it constantly bc it rules and also to me it's like. a way of seeing parts of how their mind works that i wouldn't#be able to see otherwise. it rules dating or being friends with other creatives bc their works are always showing facets of them that#regular conversation/interactions might not#anyway. tomorrow is fitz friday. get ready. i mean i might be out of town for some of it bc i have to buy a new shirt but.#.cursed tomes
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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I JUST FINISHED REREADING LEGENDBORN AND STARTED BLOODMARKED LAST NIGHT AND COME ON HERE AND YOU'RE ALSO READING IT 😨😨 WE SYNCED
CLOWN TO CLOWN COMMUNICATION. OUR UNBREAKABLE BOND
#come talk to me when you finish bloodmarked I reread legendborn last night and got to the gala bit#that I'd completely forgotten about where bree says something about how her nick and sel are all bonded to each other#and like. combined that with bloodmarked as a whole but especially chapters 51 and 58#I am absolutely fucking certain I'll die on the polyamory hill like THEY ARE ALL FUCKING BONDED ALL 3 OF THEM IT'S CONSTANTLY REITIRATED#NO WAY SHE PICKS JUST ONE IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT#WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE POLY CODING. WHAT THE HELL.#every time I'm in the bathroom I start looking into the nearest mirror and start talking to myself crazily#about how actually fucking insane it is like I'm losing my mind tracy deonn what are you on can I take a hit#so yeah keep me posted on your reading progress lol#speaking of rereading legendborn though I'd forgotten just how mean nick and sel are to each other in the first book#and it was like. actually crazy to see that continue pretty much right up until the end bc they don't really get a chance for reconciliatio#and then to compare that with having also just recently finished bloodmarked#which is literally like. a complete fucking 180#idk if nick's month being kidnapped by his dad just gave him a lot of time to reflect or something#but he never has a genuinely bad thing to say about sel. like right from the start and his first appearances in bloodmarked#similarly for sel lmao#contrasted with the. everything in legendborn. like it's actually fucking crazy#what spending a month away from your magically bonded bro does to a mf#anyway. in regards to us always reading the same shit have you been keeping up with chloe gong's books?#bc I read foul lady fortune and last violent call earlier this week as well#ask#lyoshaland#hi lyosha!
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jungwoo has big capybara energy. friend-shaped.
#was scrolling thru the sungchan tag and hes p much adopted sungtaro and the new rookies 🥺🥺#not to mention the already exisiting and ever growing jungwoo harem he already has#he just collects friends (men) wherever he goes#talk#text#mine#wooloved#jungwoo#literally everybody is his friend im sorry#theres a clip from that nct universe thing theyre doing or whatever#where sungchan in the same breath says jungwoo hyung and doyoung sunbaenim#which i find fascinating#obvs dy debuted yrs before jw (and i do not know the inner workings of their interpersonal relationships and friendships)#but its smth thats been on my mind#that and jungwoo just constantly having the most endearing interactions with any member hes put with#him babygirling dejun#feeding sungtaro the strawberries#loveloveloveeeeee#tag talk#yknow that thing where capybaras will naturally be friends with any species of animal#bias tag
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actually I do have a few thoughts to share about the Ahsoka show right away (minor spoilers but I’ll tag anyway)
firstly, the casting is PERFECT. Natasha is a really good Sabine, and I love Mary Elizabeth as Hera. I fully believed those were the characters from Rebels I already knew and loved 🥰 I also really like the new villains, and I’m very interested to see more of them 👀
secondly, THE MUSIC. OMG. KEVIN KINER YOU BRILLIANT MAN. I might have teared up every single time I heard Ahsoka’s theme used as a motif 🥲 and that one moment where Twin Suns played while she was looking at Ezra’s holo recording ohhhhhh my heart 😭💙 makes me very emotional knowing these themes are being recomposed by their original composer like holy frick dude he really is the GOAT along with John Williams fr \o/
and lastly, this is one of the things I was really looking forward to, and that’s HUYANG. I have a fascination with architect droids (hence me creating Master Gildish 😌), so I’m loving that we can see one in a live action setting. also I loved that character in TCW so it’s great getting to see him again 😁
#I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts later#especially if I rewatch the episodes#but yeah this what’s mainly rotating in my mind rn haha#also this is SO stupid but#has Huyang always been able to emote his optics??#cause I didn’t remember that about him…#I was watching him like a HAWK every time he was on screen#literally for research purposes#and I was under the assumption that his optics were like a protocol droid#but no he can emote with them#and I’m gonna feel REALLY stupid if it’s always been that way#cause if so then I’ve been writing Gildish ALL wrong 🙃#I might just use the excuse that Gil’s optics have an emoting malfunction LOL#which wouldn’t make much sense for someone like him#who is CONSTANTLY upgrading himself#but idk maybe he just hasn’t been able to find replacement parts in a while or something like that#I’ll have to ponder this some more#it’s not a big deal honestly 😝#star warz#ahsoka spoilers
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A MIMIR MUCHACHOS a mimir...
#luly talks#im always eepy until its bedtime.then im like heeheehoohoo what if i never slept again? 🤪#but I've been very bored lately like everything is either too much or too little#I've been struggling to find inner peace NWHSNSHABS#okay i think I'll set my goal tomorrow to make some art. some silly comics. at least let em be SKETCHY who carss#no one cares i just want to put sumthin out there... and i will ! ! !#bc i have some funny ideas its true its true i do#ina repetition mood if y'all dont seem to mind i am quite tired snd i love that stuff sooo much#feel like columbo going on a semi related rant but my ex blood fucking HATED when i repeated something a lot literally had#words banned bc it was driving her crazy which i find quite funny and symbolic of the disabled experience honestly#like for me to say the same words constantly was easy and comforting but for him it was EVIL and FUCKED UP#we all are so sifjfbfnf#im so tired okay im going to bed manifest some warm sheets and a kinder matress and all sorts of lovely things for me pls heaaart
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.... I feel bad bc my friend is sad ) :
#miranda talking shit#I feel a bit guilty too... I think thabks to my meds i am taking this better than normal but yeah#Fabian and me have only like spoken twice over the past month or two? Which is not much#Considering we have basically talked almost daily for years (a minimum at once per week) ...#The irony is that he implied that he was too big of an part of my life before we had this ... Break#... But as far as i know the few friends he have... Are the ones we have in common. Two irl friends . And me#Hes .... Been feeling lonely. He is now. He wants to talk to people etc and im like ): ...#I... Like oliver said 'i think fabian takes solitude a lot harder than you do. He does mind being alone' and yeah...#I think i may have unintentionally made him rely on me rather hard for socializing... For years hes basically only been in my social 'hot'#Zone. And now he have ended up in my 'cold' zone for the first time for this long... Like oliver said i dont mind solitude.#I grew up playing pretend on my own 80% of my time at home. Now i can get in isolation periods where im focusing on a video game#And literally not... Talk to anyone for a month or more. Then i talk to someone again and i realize i had been lacking social time but i#Dont actively... Feel it. I only get lonely at night badly id like to share bed with someone. But ... Yeah. Fabian is probably used to#Getting all this attention from me constantly and now im... Not providing it. Bc im focusing on other people socially...#I said im glad he shared feeling lonely with me and that i am here for him etc but...#I feel like ive failed him. Is failing him. Idk... I know its not my fault and so on but... My social... Functions have many downsides#I probably make people feel very special. I love to listen and ask about everything and encourage them and such. But then i can just stop#Talking for a long period of time and its .... Its never intentional but its how ive always been. Its why ive always kept to having like 3#Friends up until becoming an adult and now jts... Its hard. I love many people and i want to give them as much of me as possible at a time#So instead of dividing myself to everyone always... I give one or two people all my attention at a time
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