#which I think may be chronic
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So like, this has been in my head the past few days and it's something that happened years ago, but like who the fuck has the audacity to tell an asthmatic person that they should just be better. I'm gonna leave stuff out bc it's bullshit but I really don't understand people that are like there's people with asthma in the military therefore you have the potential to do the same things they do. I tried explaining that, sure, there are elements that I can work to improve it, but there's certain things that my asthma literally won't adapt to.
Love y'all. Remember to drink water, eat, and take care of yourself. Including sleep. (I say as I have to get up in 3 hours)
#mossy thoughts#cw language#cw rant#cw vent#asthma#I literally hate people who are like this#like oh such and such has asthma but is still able to do this so if you just put in the effort you will to#my asthma has literally refused to cooperate with stairs no matter how much I try#after three staircases I'm dying#consequetively#if I have a moment in between them I'm fine or better#but like how do you not understand that a physical disease/condition has a spectrum#not to mentiom the different kinds of asthma#pretty sure I have chronic/allergen-induced/athletic-induce#the latter two I know cause that's what one of my inhalers is literally for#and I've had an inhaler to just help me breathe in the morning since I was like 8#which I think may be chronic#my asthma likes to be dumb#like if I laugh too hard#bam coughing and wheezing#not gonna get into how my body doesn't want to breathe through my nasal cavities w/o meds either
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Regular reminder that sudden and severe weight loss is a pretty serious sign that something is very, very wrong
#weight#weight loss#brought to you by the realisation today that my hips are currently smaller than my fucking waist usually is#it’s summer and i’ve been walking the hill a lil more but damn that’s not fucking good#and before anyone even THINKS ‘i wish i had this problem’ i guarantee you do not#cuz it comes from 2 hour bathroom trips that are screamingly painful#and the arbitrary inability to eat literally anything#which often crops up right before i sit down to eat something#and i mean i can wait it out and eat late but it’s really goddamn annoying#and none of my goddamn clothes fit AGAIN i’m way out of even my smallest stuff#my broke ass is not buying new shit and if i make any cosplay to fit me now it’ll be way too small when i’m back in remission 😤#gotta get the goddamn meal replacement shakes again and see if i can process those#they are GROSS#gym bros are lying to you#they all suck#and i need to do em along with regular meals cuz i’m not gonna get enough from either#luckily i also have chronically low blood pressure so frenchfries are medicinal on both levels#this may also explain my resting heartrate being around 120bpm in my opinion#but no one’s ever really discussed it
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Pain
A comic about my chronic pain experience.
#comic#dragon#chronic pain#scoliosis#back pain#I don't really know how to classify it but chronic pain feels right for me#Been thinking about this a lot since my pain has been amplified the past week -- spring break woe :(#But I also like drawing my dragon Snuffles. He probably has bad back pain too#But this is also for my college's comic anthology which is due in like 12 hours so very last minute idea#HEHEHEHEH inspiration will strike where it may#Kodi Draws#Snuffles#Illustration#Also more thoughts#It was nice to not be nitpicky about lettering. so freeing!#The writing is also more geared towards the folk who will read the anthology (students at my college)#But! it was very fun to work on#and I'm glad I can do simplified art like this easily enough. but my back is screaming so on the ground i go
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Hi, you said in your bio that you're chronically ill. I was wondering if you had any tips for knitting with chronic pain (assuming that's your flavour of chronic illness)? Or do you know anyone who could give me advice?knitting/sewing is my sanity-saver.
I use compression gloves, only knit with specific weights of yarn (the ones that are the least painful for me), and try to take frequent breaks, which for me looks like switching hobbies every 30 minutes or so (knitting to spinning to knitting, etc). I also do my best to be very gentle on my joints when i can, altho i honestly rarely have the choice at work.
Personally i have joint problems and migraines, so thats what im correcting for/trying not to make worse. Helpful advice probably varies depending on what youre trying to correct for. Really my only general advice is "when it starts to hurt, try to stop" and "if possible, save the painfully difficult stuff for when youre doing well, and make the easier stuff your usual work"
If anyone who sees this has got other tips please feel free to comment them
#i havent knit socks in a while and i realized my last wrist and thumb issue flare up was the last time i did socks#and also right now when im doing socks again#which is making me think maybe my wrists are better than i thought generally speaking but knitting just destroys them#socks specifically i tend to zone out with and ignore pain signals#idk what to do with that info tho. i guess knit fewer socks :(#anyway there may be some things like that which you can save for when youre feeling comparatively well#but chronic pain isnt actually my issue and i can and will work thru pain to the continual degradation of my joints#so rly the joints getting worse is what my problem is#so i dont know how much if any of this is helpful to you#sorry im replying right before i need to leave for work and thru a migraine so. might try and think of something more helpful and update#my answer#chronic illness
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Why did I start like three other projects when I was already working on a big project when I just got hit with the autism exhaustion beam (requires. At least One Full Day just dead in bed, and then some more Taking It Easy time after)
#i don't even know what prompted it...#hit w a vision. not enough time to execute it. hit w a vision. too tired to execute it.#i guess technically it was just two huh. but all the moving parts made the other one feel like two in and of itself#oh. now i remember there was another shitpost behind it. i just. didn't get to.#thinking about bruno... thinking about anna... thinking about the fairies... thinking about mirabilis specifically actually#she gets the short end of the stick characterization wise and it's such a shame.#to the point where i was unsure what to do w her... i think i got some ideas rattling around though#I CAN... GIVE HER.... SO MUCH MORE.... without changing too much about her. i just need to extrapolate.#hits her w the disability beam. idk if it's also autism but she has some sort of chronic condition#that just makes you. so tireds. moe and mira shaking hands. let's lay down and rest together.#also thinking about the subtle differences between a full dream and a daydream... between sleeping and just resting#and. making her kitty coded. she is such a kitten pile type girl. she is such a lap cat. queen of catnapping#which i'm thinking works really well w peony and even sharena. not so much moe though 😭💔#i want to capture a playful side. and maybe even a 'i'm still figuring out how i feel about that' side to her#like... i'm imagining peony as someone who's surprisingly insightful and emotionally intelligent.#she's got it all figured out. she already knows. she's not always right. but she tends to know what's up#i'm thinking... maybe mira isn't quite there yet. or struggles to see outside of herself. for obvious/understandable reasons#but she has that unwavering desire for joy and comfort the way peony does. she may feel a pang of jealousy here and there#but it doesn't get in the way of her goals and wants for others. which may be the defining factor actually#like obviously this could get messy if you simplify it too much into 'good' or 'bad'. bc all these girls are DIRECT reflections#of each one's trauma response. assigning morality to that is fucked up. but for story purposes... maybe freyja/freyr did. to a degree.#bc maybe they're flawed and fucked up too. it's about The Cycles. i'm getting so lost in the sauce though LMFAOO#i am GOING to do SOMETHING. for mirabilis. mark my fucking words.
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love this girl at my work who’s watching old f1 seasons in full with not that much knowledge of what will happen (she’s on ‘06 now and doesn’t know if alonso or schumi will win). she revealed to me yesterday that mark webber is one of her favourite drivers atm. and she knows im a seb fan and she really loved him when she watched the ‘22 season last year (her first live season) so she said to me yesterday, and i am quoting: “i know vettel and webber are gonna be teammates soon i think they’ll really get along!!!”
#i have never been more excited for someone to watch 15 year old sports programmes#i cannot WAIT for her takes on fiji 07 on turkey 10 on abu dhabi 10 on britain 11 on brazil 12 on MALAYSIA 13#how she hasn’t got much spoiled is incredible to me. i don’t think she grew up in an f1 house which may explain it#also she isn’t chronically online
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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.
but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.
and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’
#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didn’t mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. it’s applicable to a lot of artists. I don’t know#just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and it’s like ‘oh honey’ if you can see. why they might be saying it#like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about#I feel like we’re in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways#and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is#sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and don’t have any basic compassion#or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others I’ve been in and I think I know why#but in the end the way I see it we’ve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther#and sometimes there’s nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too#idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard they’ve worked#on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering won’t make your art better#healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what it’d be like#when life isn’t so hard for you?? or when you’re getting better but it just takes a long time I’m like. you deserve to feel better faster#this all said I’m incredibly proud and I’m not trying to insinuate there’s anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt#I am not in any way worried. I’ve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits#pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (don’t ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when there’s hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with#sometimes I just think of this idk#celebrities are people#5 seconds of summer#5sos#5sos fandom#cw mental health things
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i uh... ive adopted her..
#sorry for being mia a bit#my house has been chaos#my dad does NOT know that i have adopted this kitten#she has chronic eye issues so it always looks gross which works in my favor of dad thinking its still a foster#in the meantime i am SCRAMBLING to move out#may start a fundraiser or something to help me with a downpayment for an rv or something... which is my only option i can afford#my cat#fosters#pyro#kaiju tag#her name is kaiju now
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posting isn’t giving me any sort of sense of familiarity or stability in the foundation which makes sense given that everything has been replaced yet again but damn
#I want to write something pertaining to chronic illness because it would be interesting in my mind but also dear god I don’t want them#I wish they’d go away depending on the reality but that’s not happening#I might continue to post art there’s no point in not but it is always with the sinking feeling the knowledge that I cannot run back to the#formers. which one is the definitive one was it the first ever I’m so confused I’ve been interacting more with these individuals despite#the unfamiliarity and such but there’s something going on something will happen#machinations machinations I’m rambling on here I oscillate between rambling in notebooks and rambling on here perhaps I should stick to#notebooks or do I do both am I hoping someone will be stuck in the same situation perhaps#both congenital and developed aaaaaa#may rant about medical negligence I’m a veteran I’ve had my fair share of good and bad experiences but it’s always with that knowledge#i hate it when people say that nothing was replaced it makes no sense to me at all it’s disorienting and agitating#perhaps they’re just unaware or it’s because I’m being transported and they weren’t replaced this is just their reality#I think it’s both replacement and transportation I can tell#curation after curation after curation simultaneous replacement and transportation yes
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as a dr fan we need to acknowledge that some of the danganronpa characters suffer through chronic liners for bad humor by out-of-touch old guy writers syndrome
#glaring at himiko yumeno. kaede akamatsu. sonia nevermind. akane owari....#uhmmm if anyone wants me to explain i can i dont think i can organize my thoughts in tags rn... maybe later ugnnnn#drv3#danganronpa#Okay fine here are my thoughts#“chronic liners for bad humor by out-of-touch old guy writers syndrome” is a simplified term for this phenomenon where writers#give characters lines not to reveal their characters but to please the audience in distasteful ways for the sake of being ''funny''#(uh maybe i should like... do an actual proper text reblog for this because its hard typing this shit in tags but)#i feel like a huge example of this is kaede's comments towards tsumugi to the point shuich says shes an ''old creep''#although these comments *could* be an extension of her trait for pushing people too far (ex: the tunnel shit)#the comments actually dont. instead they are treated very unserious. in a way they feel so... vague and light#to the point that it appears that those comments *arent* trying to reveal anything about her character#especially since that trait is more specific than quite broad#i get people being uncomfortable with those comments (i am too) but they feel like a terrible#''writers talking through their characters for people to be more engaged with the media in a quirky relatable way'' than anything else#like ''writers are trying to appeal to the audience humor/desires and reach the audience's culture to the point of being out of touch"#so THATS the reason that i feel like it will be weird to shit on ''kaede defenders'' for the comments cuz they're just so..#detached from her character that people hardly take that as genuinely being apart of her character#and if it is genuinely apart of her character then its only as a way to keep people engaged with the story and character#it hardly adds anything meaningful to her character#fuck me these tags are long but onto himiko: most things ive said about kaede's comments apply to himiko's weird#fucking racism comments (ex: the afro comment that genuinely made me a little upset)#but to add onto that. himiko plays into a very specific trope that is ''lo1i girl'' and often that trope comes with quirky and “funny” trai#they're supposed to be so palatable and marketable to the audience and apart of the charm is how ''funny'' they are#the racism comment is way more revealing of the writers than himiko's character itself.. so no himiko is not racist; the writers are.#feeling the need to play into a trope by creating “funny” lines that is basically just fucking racism is just soooo danganronpa#*eyeroll*#and yeah i mentioned the other characters. sonia and akane being a victim of this phenomenon#although this moreso reflects the english translators than the writers of the game...#them randomly speaking in aave (which may i add theyd never do this) for the ''lols'' is a choice..
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the monday blues are getting me especially hard after a four day weekend of being curled up in bed and playing pretend with my wife 😔😔
daydreaming about the lesbians in our heads SAVE ME
#*dykeposting#ttrpg ramble incoming in these tags oops#we uh. may have accidentally added another dyke to talia's polycule lmao#originally she was SUPER monogamous but then she accidentally had chemistry w another butch that she's not actually w anymore#and then on the last replay we gave her an ex that OBVIOUSLY she got back together with. bc ofc.#and now on the last replay she had so much chemistry w her ex's ex so now we are replaying again and trying it out lmao#we just do this endless cycle of replaying the same game over and over to test out Different Scenarios#it's honestly really fun? it's like fanfiction but we get to make out#anyway. i love talia my pretty pink muscle princess being surrounded by all of these working class butches w rough hands who will do +#+ woodworking and construction projects w her. it's amazing#gideon (the ex) and wyatt (the ex's ex) are union girls. Hot.#i think castor is probably also in a union bc she's into construction also but wyatt and gideon are both going to go into union organizing#which is just. delicious#collective bargaining is so sexy#wyatt also might be a werewolf. bc i'm predictable#the were-folks in my wife's setting have chronic pain bc of the shifting that gets worse around full moons (esp in winter)#and talia and wyatt had this cute scene were talia found her on a hike after the full moon and rubbed her hips for her +#+ while they had a deep convo about their childhood traumas and then made out. peak lesbian behavior
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[pained wailing emoji]
#.pdf#rd#THE REST OF THIS IS JSUT ME WHINING. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE#i dont wanna go to work ‼️‼️‼️ i feel like i am nearing a breaking point i am sofucking burnt out#every time i go to work. my brain gets Scary at me. stresses me out. dont like it ☹️#im supposedto be going in tonigjt but im dreading it sososo much#my work hour options have changed from “fully flexible” to “7am-9pm only” whcih yeah i know that doesnt sound that bad. but i have non-24#(circadian rhythm disorder that makes me sleep progressively later every day circling fully around the clock over ~3 weeks or so)#and bcos of it often i have to force myself out of bed in what my body thinks may as well be the middle of the night just to get to work#and then i dont ever get enough time to recover from that to actually let my sleep fall back into its natural schedule wjich is the only#time i feel properly rested. so essentially im chronically sleep deprived which is making me chronically stressed and way less productive#i just reslly really want to fucking save up a little money and just Not work for a week or two. bjt. with my sleep bullshit i cant really#work enough to be able to put anything aside. at all#so. kind of an unrealistic desire i guess. lol#ive been feeling like this ever since like early january when i was told i ahve to stick to a more normal schedule. & its only getting worse#idont know i just wishthere was something i could do that was fully flexible on timing but also doesnt havw the kind of workload that would-#-stress me out like basically anything with longer-term projects so ykmow Most flexible schedule jobs.#i do have one thing in mind i could do on my own but its dumb and probably wouldnt make much money and has startup costs i cant afford rn..
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actually fuck this job forever 👍
#i got so fucking stressed yesterday that i caused a fucking flare up and now i cant stop throwing up#i called off and . idk. i have to go in to the office today to get paperwork.#im gonna very firmly talk to them about changing my schedule#i hate to do that after literally only one day#but i have several excuses prepared#and hopefully i can just get my scedule changed.#i think . worst case. well worse case they just go damn you suck . leave. and then im just Fucked again for money#cause i never even got enough to pay my shit this monthso i had to borrow some money from my parents#but maybe i can just. drop my first shift. which will leave me with only 10 hours a week#but if they really only have morning shifts erm. this may not work out#i havent gotten morning sickness in a long time but its a known symptom of one of my chronic illnesses#plus the stress obviously bc my first client is very disabled and needs more accomodation than i can provide bc im also disabled#idk guys. its only been one day but this For Real isnt working out how it is rn.#i was reading back over my employee handbook tho and it says employees can quit any time#in the first 60 days wirhout penalty so im hoping that means i can also change shifts without penalty...
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Preventing myself from freaking tf out by remembering that even my hormones don’t want to be in my body even my body is trying to prove that it’s Wrong and it’s funny that everything agrees with me except my mom and the government
#boyfriend I’m ok I promise lol#context for my dear friends here on Tumblr I got diagnosed (?) with a complex ovarian cyst today#it hurts and I’m upset about it because it’s Just Another Reminder that this body is female!!!#I used to say ‘yea it may not be the body I’m supposed to have but at least it works just fine’#no I have chronic issues with synthesizing hormones or something#like this body knows the hormones and shit are wrong and keeps rejecting it but that doesn’t Help any#and being on testosterone will actually probably be very helpful to my literal health y’know#because otherwise I’d have to be on bc my whole life to prevent unnecessary pain and shit#and I’ve already lived that it caused Other issues lmao (irregular menstruation even when on the pill blood clot risk No period for >6-#-months sometimes etc.) so testosterone will. be very healthy for me to be on once I get there.#but before I start now I have to figure out so many Things and my hormone levels will have to be So totally tested#which was gonna be needed anyways it’s just gonna be annoying#and I would be so ok with just having a hysterectomy (partial or complete) and taking gahrt being done with it#but NO no of course not. never would it be that easy. my MOM-#it’s fine like of course she doesn’t want her 18 year old unmarried childless daughter to have a hysterectomy that makes sense#doctors would agree with her and they’d be Not Incorrect#but I don’t want or need bio kids I’ll end up getting a hysterectomy anyways#but I had to explain Every Little Bit of the surgeries used for ovarian cysts they’re all so easy (like laproscopies and such)#it’s just tedious that she doesn’t know how to do research so it’s All on me to explain it but she also thinks I’m an idiot#like girl pick a struggle#either listen to me or don’t make me do your research#I’m gonna explode I’m fine. I’m gonna take a shower and then write an essay and apply to beta-reading jobs and go to sleep#speaking of. if anyone knows anyone who’s hiring beta-readers uhh give them my tumblr let them Hime#*hmu#I would love to be paid extra for reading and commenting on books lmao#especially if I’m gonna be paying my own hrt without my insurance (which is paid by my mom) then. well.#my $12.50 an hour for 8-12 hours a week job isn’t gonna cut it
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I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.
#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood#i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her#she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now#she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn#i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words#she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately#i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made#like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too#idk#i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may#i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do#im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time#this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday#and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again#i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too#but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic#i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself#i remember the constant thoughts and urges...
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youtube
the brilliant green - stand by me // the day I run out of tbg videos to post will be the day I stop posting weekly song recs on this blog
#it may be 7am but i know if i don't post this now i probably won't post anything today#and i don't like to have the same pinned post for 3 weeks straight#i wasn't feeling like posting anything too consistently these last couple weeks#i gotta *feel* a song rec man if im gonna queue something i gotta know ill still be playing it by the time it goes up#i listened to the swingin sixties a couple days ago when i was having a lot of anxiety#i think that version of this song may actually be a bit better but you know it's just a good comforting song#bro idek who's getting evicted tonight this is the first week ive honestly been unsure#and i don't even know if i care who goes home!#all i wanna see is how we voted for the superpower competition#i wish either jared or izzy were being backdoored this week tbh over the two actually up for eviction#im done with the way izzy talks to or about people and also jared is saying some gross shit about women on the live feed#that doesn't make the actual cut for the episode#i have two (2) important things i have to do today#one of which is an important virtual meeting at 9 am that my alarm hasn't gone off for yet#yet here i am watching youtube videos and posting songs#i hate being responsible i wish my mummy and daddy had the money to pay for my college in full#and additionally i wish i hadn't been chronically ill for over half my life but here we are doing a damn zoom meeting 🙄#aight yes im pretty stressed as you can tell#the brilliant green#j rock#tommy#90s j rock#tomoko kawase#shunsaku okuda#ryo matsui#song rec#tbt#shut up kaily#also i hope this band does anything ever again i miss them so much i cant even tell you#Youtube
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