#where. did. all. my. joy. go.
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Wei Wuxian eats a watermelon. Yep!
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#nothing out of the ordinary here. Just good fandom fun#Watermelon discourse has been going on and I want to let people know where I stand.#This came about because I wanted to experiment with translating the (traditional) PD-MDZS style to a digital format#and while sitting there thinking of what to draw...my inspiration came to me.#This is the equivalent of sneaking vegetables into the spaghetti sauce but its important to get your gotdamn veggies#I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts (evidence: the tags of every post on this blog).#but please do not look away from this moment in history. One person cannot solve it and no one expects you to.#Even if it is just spending time doing some research on the situation and history. Or boosting posts that are more articulate#Any action helps! ANY action! Everyone has a different level of capacity for this and that's okay. Anything is fine. Dont let it be nothing#Anyhow. did I like doing this digitally? Yes but its mixed. It was faster but also spark the same joy I usually get while drawing#I will have to get over it very quickly though. You will all see why in a few days
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madame spelunker!!!
#my design for her before her head injury + mold infection ^___^#oh girl where did all your joy and whimsy go…#my art#hfjone#charlotte stern#hfjone moldy#object shows
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rewatching the first prince's intro is fun because the first time around you maybe don't realize that he falls for the princess two sentences into their conversation and has become a fan xian stan by the end of the encounter because you are understandably influenced by the ominous background music and menacing snorting of his warhorse et cetera. but in retrospect that guy has been fully won over, to the extent that he has already mentally scrubbed the arranged marriage escape plan he spent weeks setting up and is about to go to rancid vibes family brunch and try to convince the emperor to be nicer to the court gremlin, his new best friend fan xian. also the last thing he says to the princess is "i'll come pay you a visit in private later." okay sir keep it in your codpiece.
#yeah i am just rewatching the da dianxia/beiqi gongzhu scenes now. what about it#joy of life#li chengru#my posts#f#there's a lot i don't understand about the confrontation outside the capital gates#for instance when the ministry of rites guy came to ask fan xian to slow down so dianxia could get there first#why didn't fan xian just go okay whatever? why did he rush to have that confrontation?#like he says he did it because it's what the princess wanted. but he clearly convinced her to make that decision#i get that the first prince didn't back down because he was testing both fan xian and the princess (they both passed)#and i suppose once they were there fan xian didn't want to back down. but he could have avoided the confrontation altogether#second question is where did all that wind come from? did someone cause it? and if so why?#third question who really killed the horses? i guess it was wang qinian but was he really just gonna let gao da take the fall?
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A Biltmore Christmas may be the first Hallmark movie to drive me to fanfic.
#hallmark#a biltmore christmas#time travel#WHERE IS MY POST-CREDITS SCENE SHOWING HOW MARGARET REACTS???#she was one of the best parts of the movie!#you need at least five minutes of her screaming for joy!#also clearly there was a conspiracy of people in the past who knew about the time travel thing so how did that work?#what about that bearded guy on the crew who was CLEARLY another time traveler?#(there is no way that facial hair came from 1947)#also where does the relationship go from there?#how do you adjust?#does tour guide riker help out?#so many unanswered questions can fit into the last scenes of that film and i need answers#also just overall: thanks to people who said this one was worth seeking out because my goodness what a delight#that movie oozed charm#i think maybe my true core fictional love is classic '30s/'40s film because i was digging that vibe#the banter! the patter! the zingers! the perfect blend of cynicism and sentimentality#some of the background stuff was too modern but also some was spot on#that guy who played claude looks like he was born to be a classic Hollywood film star#the leading lady did not fit the vibe at all but she had great chemistry with the movie's leads so i can see why they cast her#the old-timey writer dude was charming#the main lady might be a new favorite hallmark actress (there's only one other on the list)#(watched part of a different film with her in it and she seems to put some of that classic hollywood sass into her roles)#i wasn't sold on the male lead at first but the writing came through for him#when he sits in the chair behind her! when he's trying to guess her personality traits?#charming and absolutely spot-on for the vibe#(the fact that they cast hallmark regulars in the remake is hilarious and also sad because it looks so much worse than the original)#anyway great time had a blast will definitely be rewatching
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@suntails I'm genuinely crying tears of awe, this is the most beautiful collection of art I've ever received (MY ENVELOPE WAS PINK HEHE 🩷). The book is absolutely stunning, it looks and feels incredible, I couldn't be more proud and emotional about how this is a complete love letter from you to the entire fandom from so much joy and labor- I wish we could somehow mail Yana a copy 🥹 thank you, thank you, thank you for all the wonder and delight you've given to the whole community with your art, I'm so honored to be holding a piece of it in my hands ⚔️💚
#twst#ok but BITCH WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE BUSINESS CARDS?????#IT FELL OUT WHEN I OPENED THE BOOK AND I SHRIEKED ITS SO STUNNING???? THE GOLD HIS POSE IM GOING WILDDDDDDD#IM GENUINELY SNIFFLING IM SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT THE LOVE THIS FANDOM HAS FOR THESE CHARACTERS AND HOW IT ALL CONNECTS US AHHHHHH#thank you thank you thank you 💚 its a joy to share in the dia-gonies with you 💚#EDIT: IGNORE MY HIDEOUS NAILS I'M GETTING THEM DONE TOMORROW#DOUBLE EDIT IM STUPID THE CARDS ARE SILVER PUT ME DOWN OUT BACK
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#bouffalant#i forgot this pokémon existed. i don't even know what type it is#ground?? ground/normal??#okay no it's just pure normal. this is like tauros's cool cousin#Tau Ross. 'cause. he has bob ross hair. :)!#did you guys know that the bob ross show was actually filmed at my alma mater#yeah. the college that i'm doing finals for Right Now. the joy of painting was filmed there i think#no one talks about it and i had to find out from random anecdotal evidence from my mom when we were on a road trip#dunno how SHE knew but no one who goes to this college ever talks about it. they only ever wanna talk about david letterman#i hate it here. so glad to be graduating soon#the only reason i'm okay with telling you all where i go to college is because as of this posting (december 13th) i will literally#be graduating in three days. that'll be commencement. which i'm not even going to because fuck commencement
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Every description about Nico (especially the canon ones) describing him as “cold” can personally fight me. Nico is jaded, yes, and often closed-off and sometimes stand-offish and defensive but he is not "cold”. He cares SO SO SO MUCH about EVERYONE. He loves and cares with his entire heart constantly and that is a core part of his character. He doesn’t often make public shows of his affection but he takes care to be kind when it matters and doesn’t hide that he does care (usually, the only exception really being him being in the closet, but even then he only hid his crush specifically and not the fact that Percy is important to him). He fine with hugging his friends in front of a crowd and will sit with strangers at a campfire just so they’re not alone. I mean, heck, he’s an extrovert! We know this! He actively seeks out people and gets lonely very quickly and easily! If he can’t talk to living people he will chat with the dead! That’s how much he thrives on being social!
The only time Nico has ever been actively “cold” was the couple of months between TTC and BoTL when he was actively mourning Bianca. Nico is not “cold.” He loves so much and he does show it, just in his own way.
#pjo#riordanverse#nico di angelo#analysis#brought to you by: I saw a blurb for TSATS that said something like ''Will melted through Nico's icy heart/cold exterior''#and it made me want to tear something apart with my teeth because of how Blatantly Incorrect that is#like that is a disservice to both their characters.#a.) Will did not ''fix'' Nico or ''change'' him or anything. He is just a source of joy in Nico's life#TOA even explicitly acknowledges that them dating did not ''fix'' Nico and that Nico is actively getting outside help for his trauma/etc#and b.) Nico is not cold!!! He has never been a cold person!!! there's a reason ''emo'' is short for ''emotional!''#Nico's character is ENTIRELY DRIVEN BY LOVE AND CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE#yes he's jaded but he's only jaded in a way of being afraid of letting people into his life because he's afraid to lose them#not that it stops him because it sure does keep happening anyways because SURPRISE. HE LOVES TOO MUCH.#HE LITERALLY CANNOT HELP HIMSELF HE LOVES PEOPLE SO STRONGLY AND SO DEEPLY HE CANNOT STAY JADED ABOUT IT#he just keeps going ''Okay *THIS* time I won't let this person into my life to risk heartbreak- AW FUCK I'VE DONE IT AGAIN''#SO MUCH of his character is entirely driven by ''I care about people. I dont want them to suffer what i have suffered or suffer at all''#like really the only times we ever see Nico being actively angry/snappy at people#is like a.) He is either actively being majorly hurt or has just recently been majorly hurt (Bianca's death. Being outed. etc)#b.) Someone is hurting others is going to bring harm to others (Calling out his dad in TLO. Killing Bryce)#or c.) Someone is doubting or calling into question his lived experiences (Basically any scene where people say he's pushing people away)#other than that Nico actually tends to give people way more lenience than necessary. he will put up with a LOT#and he won't even call people out on it or hold a grudge about it (i see you alleged Nico's fatal flaw. you're wrong)#unless it's like. something A Lot Of People Do Often (ex: push him away/exclude him/etc)#at which point he might be like. mildly upset about it but not much more then that. which is just a normal measured response.#anyways Nico's not cold he's just autistic
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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baby sunday screenshots from robin's animated trailer ♡♡♡♡♡
#🍏 . txt#sunday hsr#what happened to the light in his eyes#where did all that joy and whimsy go#my poor boy ...
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idk how i hadn't watched everything everywhere all at once until now, but holy shit thats one hell of a movie, i am crying rn.
the cross section of, maybe life is just laundry and taxes over and over forever but it's forever with you, and we have to be kind to each other, and just everything. i've been that kid that wanted so badly to just get away from it all, from everything that hurt so much, even if i had to die to get away. i've been there and god it hurts, and this movie got exactly to the heart of my emotions.
and then the base of the multiverse concept is just the kind of story i wish i could be living. you are special and important, and everything that's wrong can be fixed, and every single misstep and mistake you've made is not just necessary but makes you the one that will fix everything! it starts with this concept that everything matters, even if the life you're living is bland and cyclical, it's all important, it all led you here. but as our view is expanded we're challenged with this idea that nothing matters, that none of our decisions actually mean anything, that it'll all happen in a verse so who cares about any of it. and i don't exactly know which camp i subscribe to at this point. yea, maybe none of my decisions will ever effect anything enough to cause actual change, and maybe nothing i do matters, but you matter. the people right in front of me matter. maybe the rest can just be, and maybe if i can just look out for those i care about it'll be enough for me.
also, totally different note, but i love the foreshadowing of everything, of the cyclical nature of the world Evelyn lives in. the laundry, and he taxes, how Mrs. Deidre circles the one form with thick black marker just like the bagel.
anyways. go watch everything everywhere all at once.
#i'm not gonna do it#just so we're clear#i've gotten a lot better#and college is definitely helping me get some space to process everything#but i know i used to be in a far worse headspace#just with everything going wrong with the world at the same time my personal life was crumbling because of my father#i used to dream about where i am today#dream about getting out of that goddamned house#and i'm honestly kinda jealous that joy got to regain that connection with her mother and start to work everything out#i just wish that he'd recognize how much the shit he did hurt me#and actually apologize for it#anyways#tw suicide mention#everything everywhere all at once
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(cw for a gun, mild blood and suicide in the last drawing.)
Day 1-5 of drawing Re:Kinder daily for a whole month! I'll be doing that all month. ☺️
I did not draw Re:Kinder enough (said both sarcastically and genuinely, because while I know the statement is ridiculous I also do believe it www), so I chose to challenge myself. I will post these every 5 days to not clog the tag too much.
#re:kinder#rekinder#fanart#hiroto yamakawa#rei suzumura#aya hibino#sayaka akatsuki#ryou shimoya#takumi katsuragi#shunsuke takano#yuuichi mizuoka#AND CHIE!!!!!! :3333#now... commentary...#for the first one i tried doing the proportions a bit more realistic than the chibi like ones i usually do !#although it comes with the worry they may seem like teens in contrast of how i generally draw them^^;... i hope they still look their age😢#second drawing is based on an idea from my sister that hiroto’s more responsible attitude comes from taking charge more than he should-#-due to his parents both being depressed. so i tried to express that idea somewhat... its more speculation than anything but still#third one is HORROR MOVIE TIME!!! this one was very funny to me because i dunno whos house theyre in but ryou looks right at home www#certainly not takumi's because that breaks the law children have of “its MY house so if i dont want to watch this movie we wont watch it”#fourth is SHUNSUKE VS THE SCHOOL TESTS!! based on him throwing out his school tests on the trash as mentioned once ingame.#in case it isnt clear the 12 is a 12 out of 100... im afraid i dont know how to make it clearer😓.#chie originally wasnt meant to be there but the compositions i came up with felt boring otherwise. so she was brought in to fill in the voi#final drawing is here to remind you this is a horror game about mentally ill children i am so sorry#im aware it is a bit jarring compared to all the (mostly) fluff but the rng said it was a yuu day he doesnt get any fluff#ah yes sorry spoilers he wont be getting any fluff there will not be a single drawing where he feels joy😭 i am sorry for this#this is because the ideas i never really got to draw (that are here) of him are the sad ones because i feel such a pity drawing him that wa#but i had to get to them eventually because i did want to draw it anyway but i was going to keep stalling them if i didnt do em here#so sorry no happy yuu the whole month😢#anyway i may redraw one of these later down the line (when its no longer august).#i do these with time limitations so i dont get to push them to bigger steps but if i feel one should get one i may redraw it LATERRR
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"You'll come back," Manon said.
It sounded like more of a threat than anything
Dorian smirked. "Would you miss me if I didn't?"
Manon didn't reply. He didn't know why he expected her to.
He'd taken all of a step, when Asterin clasped his shoulder. "In and out, quick as you can," she warned him. "Take care of Narene." Worry indeed shone in the Second's gold-flecked black eyes. Dorian bowed his head. "With my life," he promised as he approached her mount and grasped the dangling reins. He didn't fail to miss the gratitude that softened Asterin's features. Or that Manon had already turned away from him.
A fool to start down this path with her. He should have known better.
The hours that passed were some of the longest of Manon's existence.
From anticipation, she told herself. Of what she had to do.
Abraxos, unsurprisingly, found them within an hour, his reins sliced from the struggle he'd no doubt waged and won with Sorrel. He waited, however, beside Manon in silence, wholly focused upon the gate where Dorian and Narene had vanished.
Time dripped by. The king's sword was constant weight at her side. She cursed herself for needing to prove-to him, to herself-that she refused to let him go into Morath for practical, ordinary reasons. Erawan wasn't at the Ferian Gap. It'd be safer. Somewhat. But if the Matrons were there … That was why he'd gone. To learn if they were. To see if Petrah truly commanded the host there, and how many Ironteeth were present. He had not been trained as a spy, but he'd grown up in a court where people wielded smiles and clothes like weapons. He knew how to blend in, how to listen. How to make people see what they wished to see. She'd sent Elide into the dungeons of Morath, Darkness damn her. Sending the King of Adarlan into the Ferian Gap was no different.
It didn't stop her breath from escaping when Abraxos stiffened, scanning the sky. As if he heard something they couldn't.
And it was the joy that sparked in her mount's eyes that told her.
Moments later, Narene sailed toward them, making a lazy path over the mountains, a dark-haired, pale-skinned rider atop her. He'd truly been able to change parts of himself. Had made his face nearly unrecognizable. And kept it that way.
Asterin rushed toward the mare, and even Manon blinked as her Second threw her arms around Narene's neck. Holding her tight. The mare only leaned her head against Asterin's back and huffed.
Manon hadn't dwelled long on what she'd say.
And as the three hundred Ironteeth witches filed into the hall, some coming off their patrols, Manon half wondered if she should have. They watched her, watched the Thirteen, with a wary disdain.
Their disgraced Wing Leader; their fallen Heir.
When all were gathered, Petrah, still standing in the doorway where she'd appeared, merely said, "My life debt for an audience, Blackbeak."
Manon swallowed, her tongue as dry as paper. Seated atop Abraxos, she could see every shifting movement in the crowd, the wide eyes or hands gripping swords.
"I will not tell you the particulars of who I am," Manon said at last. "For I think you have already heard them."
"Crochan bitch," someone spat.
Manon set her eyes on the Blackbeaks, stone-faced where the others bristled with hatred. It was for them she spoke, for them she had come here.
jacket, then hoisting up her white shirt. Rising in the stirrups to bare her scarred, brutalized abdomen. "She does not lie."
UNCLEAN
There, the word remained stamped. Would always be stamped.
"How many of you," Asterin called out, "have been similarly branded? By your Matron, by your coven leader? How many of you have had your stillborn witchlings burned before you might hold them?"
The silence that fell now was different from before. Shaking shuddering.
Manon glanced at the Thirteen to find tears in Ghislaine's eyes as she took in the brand on Asterin's womb. Tears in the eyes of all of them, who had not known. And it was for those tears, which Manon had never seen, that she faced the host again.
"You will be killed in this war, or after it. And you will never see our homeland again."
"What is it that you want, Blackbeak?" Petrah asked from the archway.
"Ride with us," Manon breathed. "Fly with us.
Against Morath. Against the people who would keep you from your homeland, your future." Murmuring broke out again. Manon pushed ahead, "An Ironteeth-Crochan alliance. Perhaps one to break our curse at last."
Again, that shuddering silence. Like a storm about to break Asterin sat back in the saddle, but kept her shirt open.
"The choice of how our people's future shall be shaped is yours," Manon told each of the witches assembled, all the Blackbeaks who might fly to war and never return. "But I will tell you this." Her hands shook, and she fisted them on her thighs. "There is a better world out there. And I have seen it."
Even the Thirteen looked toward her now.
"I have seen witch and human and Fae dwell together in peace. And it is not weakness to do so, but a strength. I have met kings and queens whose love for their kingdoms, their peoples, is so great that the self is secondary. Whose love for their people is so strong that even in the face of unthinkable odds, they do the impossible."
Manon lifted her chin. "You are my people. Whether my grandmother decrees it so or not, you are my people, and always will be. But I will fly against you, if need be, to ensure that there is a future for those who cannot fight for it themselves. Too long have we preyed on the weak, relished doing so. It is time that we became better than our foremothers." The words she had given the Thirteen months ago. "There is a better world out there," she said again. "And I will fight for it." She turned Abraxos away, toward the plunge behind them. "Will you?"
Manon nodded to Petrah. Eyes bright, the Heir only nodded back. They would be permitted to leave as they had arrived: unharmed.
So Manon nudged Abraxos, and he leaped into the sky, the Thirteen following suit.
Not a child of war. But of peace.
#Dorian Havilliard#Manon Blackbeak#Chapter 43#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#1st read-readW me-read along-no spoilers please-chapter spoilers in the post&tag+more notes/quotes/ reacts/annotations/etc-ordinary dagger#would be his only weapon-and the magic in his veins-If I don't come back he said while she tied the ancient blade2her keys must go2Terrasen#the only place he could think of-even if Aelin wasn't ther2take them-them u'll come back Manon said It sounded like more of a threat than#Dorian smirked Wouldumiss me if I didn't-Take care of Narene Worry indeed shone in the 2nd gold-flecked black eyes-A fool2start down this#pathW her He should have known better-hours that passed were some of the longest of Manon's existence-Time dripped byKings sword a weight at#her sideShe cursed herself4needing2prove-2him2herself-that she had-she refused2let him go in2Morath4practical ordinary reasons Erawan wasnt#Ferian Gap Itd b safer Somewhat-He had not been trained as a spy but hed grown up in a court where people wielded smiles&clothes like weapon#He knew how2blend in how2listenHow2make people see what they wished2see-She'd sent Elide in2the dungeons of Morath-Darkness dam her it didnt#s2p her breath from escaping when Abraxos stiffened scanning the skyAs if he heard something they couldn't-& it was the joy that sparked in#her mounts eyes that2ld her-Asterin rushed2ward the mare&even Manon blinked as her 2nd threw her arms around Narenes neck Holding her tight-#Their disgraced Wing Leader; their fallen Heir-It was4them she spoke4them she had come here-Crochan bitch-hell no that's a witch queen-She#doesnt lie-UNCLEAN There the word remained stamped Would always bstamped How many of U-silence that fell now was different from be4 shaking#shuddering-Tears in the eyes of all of them who hadnt known&it was4those tears which Manon had never seen that she faced the host againManon#ifted her chin u are my people-Whether my gr&mother decrees it so or notuare my people&always will bBut I will fly againstuif need B2ensure#theres future4those who cannot fight4it themselves2o long have we preyed on the weak relished doing so It is time that we became better than#our4emothers-words shes given the13-Theres a better world out there she said again-& I will fight4it She turned Abraxos away2ward the plunge#behind them Will u-their if u die ill kill u vibe-ugh obviouslyulove each other just get over it-warned hum-my life-gratitude even softened#the witch-Shapeshifter-bye bluebell birdie-His ice-the Valg-just this once-if it keeps them alive then good enough-him&Vesta-terse-dont let#Aelin go4them either please-& the magic in his veins-his true weapon is smarts-come back-she cared her eyes say it all-Wmy life-not a fool#just in love-colds their middle name-her waiting😭-Lys would bproud of his skill-joy in wyverns is giving cuz she screamed4U like I did-Petra#their fallen Heir-a life debt-yes I had2switch2short dashes there’s just2o much going on all the time-4 them she spoke2gather2save-Asterin b#b-made-are monsters born or maid chicken egg wyvern solved-only queen-k how old r they-glory-always-my bb13crying2gether now imma cry-ur#Future is giving a better world vibes-I have seen it-a good queen-real love-u are my people-yes Manon speech-not a child of war but of peace#Manorian#The Thirteen
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Dysprosium, Mary Soon Lee
dysprosium, AN 66, is a silvery-white rare earth metal. its name is derived from the greek dysprositos, meaning “hard to get at”, owing to the difficulty in separating and isolating this rare earth element. dysprosium is used to measure neutron flux, to fuel reactors, and to activate phosphors. terfenol-d is a magnetorestrictive alloy, meaning that it changes shape when a magnetic field is applied, and is used to manufacture underwater acoustic systems.
jason “robo” robertson, dallas stars #21 for @simmyfrobby’s nhl periodic table poems <3
#i had a couple different ideas for poems that were taken by the time i could go deranged for a couple hours to make this but as I looked#i was like WAIT NONE OF YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE JASON ROBERTSON YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY TEXAS CAM and had to do it. also was STRUCK with the#sudden immaculate vision of the Dallas D as part of terfenol-D and could not get it out & robo is the most dance! person i know on the team#liv in the replies#dallas stars#jason robertson#nhl periodic table poems#guys i am plagued with visions and no execution skills!! every day i come here and learn one new skill on GIMP the way god intended!!!#today it was emboss. also cannot claim any credit for the pulse to the magnetic beat photo which is so cool that was one where i had a#couple and was like maybe i can do like crayon shockwaves like the art process video kasper showed? and then found that picture and was#like thank you lord stanley for knowing my limitations. thank you for your understanding in this moment it was a trial enough to make#expand contract dance and one would THINK i would have fucking learned from the claude animorphs tragedy!! i did not. but i did use the#shear tool and 3D rotate so at least if we’re animorphing it’s SLIGHTLY better. anyway me frantically doing this like WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT#WAIT FOR ME YOU GUYS ARE SO FAST i keep seeing all of these and just spinning around in circles until i get dizzy & fall down I’m so happy#the drive folder for this is just called joy!!!!! because joy this is such a cool idea but now because it brings me so much joy#i just saw the Travis dermott one and burst into tears super normal AND someone did exactly what i wanted with hydrogen which was the water#the ice!!!!! it’s so perfect!!! and cody ofc did silver lord stanley. like does it ever make you cry how beautiful & creative everyone is?#anyway if you see me post and delete this and then update it or change it no you didn’t it’s fine. but i wanted to be included#if i could make the dysprosium letters not have a white background i would I simply could not fuck with it at 1AM. we are hitting send#it may not look like it but i queue#pretend i spoke at length about the reasons why i picked all the pictures & the element just know that it’s there inside my brain u can ask#GUYS I TAKE IT ALL BACK I SAW NEONFRETRA’S ISOTOPES AND I COULD MAKE THE EDITS EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE THERE!! ISOTOPES!!!! YOU GUYS!!!!!!#get ready for the edits then. dylan magnesium my beloved child of stars who can never return… like i wish i could say anyone else but it’s#i KNOW number nineteens bismuth don’t make me Google how many years nolan played hockey but also there’s ej for stable so.. also half-life#actinium claude giroux my beloved… when i saw there already was a claude i thought maybe Brady too for that#I don’t know how but flerovium doubled magic is percolating in my brain as was promethium bad boy because I was like hmmm. tyler. but#couldn’t commit and THEN SOMEONE DID BAD BAD LEROY BROWN TYLER BERTUZZI TO PROMETHIUM AND BESTIE I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH!!! with cons#anyway shane wright germanium with juraj slafkovský but showing him very obviously not missing it. if jack eichel was not an asshole#the narratives WOULD be narrativing. you could argue for a sidovi here with the calder cup and potentially a best friend stealing narrative#(the most recent is cam yorke’s acquisition of jamie d from trevor zegras which would then require a yorkie one for silicon the other side)
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Why did I start like three other projects when I was already working on a big project when I just got hit with the autism exhaustion beam (requires. At least One Full Day just dead in bed, and then some more Taking It Easy time after)
#i don't even know what prompted it...#hit w a vision. not enough time to execute it. hit w a vision. too tired to execute it.#i guess technically it was just two huh. but all the moving parts made the other one feel like two in and of itself#oh. now i remember there was another shitpost behind it. i just. didn't get to.#thinking about bruno... thinking about anna... thinking about the fairies... thinking about mirabilis specifically actually#she gets the short end of the stick characterization wise and it's such a shame.#to the point where i was unsure what to do w her... i think i got some ideas rattling around though#I CAN... GIVE HER.... SO MUCH MORE.... without changing too much about her. i just need to extrapolate.#hits her w the disability beam. idk if it's also autism but she has some sort of chronic condition#that just makes you. so tireds. moe and mira shaking hands. let's lay down and rest together.#also thinking about the subtle differences between a full dream and a daydream... between sleeping and just resting#and. making her kitty coded. she is such a kitten pile type girl. she is such a lap cat. queen of catnapping#which i'm thinking works really well w peony and even sharena. not so much moe though 😭💔#i want to capture a playful side. and maybe even a 'i'm still figuring out how i feel about that' side to her#like... i'm imagining peony as someone who's surprisingly insightful and emotionally intelligent.#she's got it all figured out. she already knows. she's not always right. but she tends to know what's up#i'm thinking... maybe mira isn't quite there yet. or struggles to see outside of herself. for obvious/understandable reasons#but she has that unwavering desire for joy and comfort the way peony does. she may feel a pang of jealousy here and there#but it doesn't get in the way of her goals and wants for others. which may be the defining factor actually#like obviously this could get messy if you simplify it too much into 'good' or 'bad'. bc all these girls are DIRECT reflections#of each one's trauma response. assigning morality to that is fucked up. but for story purposes... maybe freyja/freyr did. to a degree.#bc maybe they're flawed and fucked up too. it's about The Cycles. i'm getting so lost in the sauce though LMFAOO#i am GOING to do SOMETHING. for mirabilis. mark my fucking words.
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God this sucks man. Watching your mental stability just slip away. I get glimpses of what I used to have then its gone.
And the worst part is that I can’t communicate it. And if I could idk if I would absorb any advice given.
#shut up ray#sometimes i go ‘maybe its just cos its winter and winter is dark and cold and stressful’#then i remember the repeated breakdowns i had in the spring and summer#then i think ‘maybe i should start taking meds again’ then i remember AGAIN those exact breakdowns i was having while MEDICATED#and go ‘ah..’#i saw my friend on monday#and she gave me this long pep talk abt shit#i didnt have the heart to tell her she was making shit up abt me just so she could tell me its not a problem#im not insecure i have severe mental problems#i have a chronic illness that is tied to those problems in a big tangled up fucking web#and i constantly feel like im doing a balancing act w/ 50 fucking spinning plates#and sometimes i will just have these undignified meltdowns#and when im not doing that im thinking horrible things abt ppl who care abt me#im not your helpless little introvert friend#im fucking broken and getting worse w/ each pssing year#i dont date because im full of hatred not because im insecure abt my looks or some shit#and as w/ every Christmas im gonna fucking sulk in my room cos i just cant handle this shit#when did this time of yr become such a horror show#i used to feel joy abt things#like joy that lasted longer than a few seconds#now its just all anger and bitterness and hatred and just this#giant black hole where my heart used to be#im not gonna make it to middle age… im gonna go out the same way my step-dad did#full of so much fucking hatred my heart explodes and im just alone because I pushed everyone away
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6 weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke…..
🏝️🤙🏄🏾♀️🏄🏼♂️💔
#seemed appropriate to use t swift lyrics since I associated so many of her songs with them &haven’t been able to listen to any of them sinc#I don’t even want to say their names#if you know you know#purging them from my life has been depressing as hell#I’m so fucking sick of behind the scenes bullshit ruining my favourite ships#this is the THIRD TIME this has happened to me btw#I’ve genuinely been in mourning#I’m not even exaggerating when I say that finale triggered a days long anxiety attack for me#it’s so ridiculous how something that wasn’t even real caused me to have physical symptoms of distress but it’s true#my heart wouldn’t stop racing. chest was tight. started shaking a few times. felt lightheaded. couldn’t sleep. eating made me sick#it was awful#but now I’ve mostly moved on to anger#I’m angry at a lot of people involved for different reasons#I’m also angry because I’ve lost my inspiration to write#I was solely committed to writing about them the past few years and now that they’re over I have no desire to write for them or another shi#I’m crushed that I’ve lost my joy for writing those ficlets but it’s too painful now. probably always will be tbh#feeling pretty lost creatively…#thank god I made a new friend on here before shit hit the fan#she and I have been venting out our sadness and frustrations together and it’s helped a lot#I hope everyone else in the fandom was able to find support like I did#I know my exit from the fandom was abrupt but I had just finished watching and was reacting purley on raw emotion#but I still think it was my best way to cope with it all#apologies for the rant and to everyone following me who don’t know wtf I’m talkimg about but I was thinking about them today#and I needed to unload a bit#I’m not going to tag anything but I do miss this fandom terribly#I’m still at a point where I don’t want to hear anything about this show or ship ever again… but yeah… I really miss those good times#take me back to the season 3 hype#THIS is the bad place#personal#laura says things
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