#HE LITERALLY CANNOT HELP HIMSELF HE LOVES PEOPLE SO STRONGLY AND SO DEEPLY HE CANNOT STAY JADED ABOUT IT

[aroaceleovaldez]

Every description about Nico (especially the canon ones) describing him as “cold” can personally fight me. Nico is jaded, yes, and often closed-off and sometimes stand-offish and defensive but he is not "cold”. He cares SO SO SO MUCH about EVERYONE. He loves and cares with his entire heart constantly and that is a core part of his character. He doesn’t often make public shows of his affection but he takes care to be kind when it matters and doesn’t hide that he does care (usually, the only exception really being him being in the closet, but even then he only hid his crush specifically and not the fact that Percy is important to him). He fine with hugging his friends in front of a crowd and will sit with strangers at a campfire just so they’re not alone. I mean, heck, he’s an extrovert! We know this! He actively seeks out people and gets lonely very quickly and easily! If he can’t talk to living people he will chat with the dead! That’s how much he thrives on being social!

The only time Nico has ever been actively “cold” was the couple of months between TTC and BoTL when he was actively mourning Bianca. Nico is not “cold.” He loves so much and he does show it, just in his own way.

[aq2003]

you’re so right! and the bit about companion writing or the lack thereof rather lmao. you’re telling me this all happened while rose was just standing off to the side. you think ten would run off and just abandon the companion who he’s incredibly attached to and desperately doesn’t want to lose just cause “reinette and him are equals cause they’re both educated and also she is rich” or whatever bullshit from that bts was. what the hell. i deeply dislike that. it positions rose as somehow lesser for her background and completely ignores rose’s role as a companion and the things she has done to help the doctor himself and others. oh, so she should just be thrown away because she’s not “his match” or a super smart time lord? ten doesn’t give a shit about that. do you know nothing moffat. why are you so insistent on throwing everything down the drain? there is this character that loves so strongly and deeply and you go lol! no. rich french girl

it’s not even a good emotional payoff. yes she died. that’s so sad but we don’t know this character. we just met her. as a child. .and now they have deep love? i’m not buying it. you just made a weird and uncomfortable episode.

also..why do you sit down and go oh i will write an episode where the doctor meets a girl and then in the future she’s madly in love with him! and then you have people saying that it’s not creepy at all like what. i apologise for bringing this up again but gitf truly upsets me so much and that episode should burn. its so bad

god literally all of this. and atp i feel like the empty child/the doctor dances being that good was sort of an accident bc how are you gonna write nine and rose without understanding that rose's importance is not in spite of her background it's because of it. the doctor should not give a fuck about someone being their intellectual equal because they would become an infinitely less interesting character otherwise. painting them as inherently aristocratic or of a higher "rank" somehow rather than as an outcast from that society that feels more belonging on earth is! certainly!! a choice!!! (i have beef w the caretaker in twelve's run for many many reasons and a couple of them are bc of this).

the resolution to gitf is so fucking stupid too bc why the hell can't you use your actual fucking time machine to travel to a time when she's not dead and see her again. i can't even say this episode is well constructed bc it fails on its most important emotional beat. it is the only one in ten's whole run where i cannot think of any explanation to justify why he's acting like that. he is so ooc and it is so out of place in his arc and WHY is it so popular have you all lost your minds. it has a luxury of being placed so early in s2, like it had the potential to do some very interesting character work with ten and rose, but instead it drove itself off a cliff and went against what was already established in like. the first 4 episodes of ten era. that should be a record or something

[parasite-core]

I have been given the go ahead to info dump about my OCs by @the-ethereal-god so now it’s story time with Sky, featuring those weirdos who live in my brain.

So since they’re all Pathfinder characters they’re all heroes. Technically. Some more than others. Some a lot more than others.

On a sliding scale of ‘goodness’

At the top is Umbrolus, he is a pure cinnamon roll. Too good for this world. Ignore the fact that he’d beat a man to death with their own severed limbs if they so much as considered hurting his SO or his friends. He has a teeny tiny huge temper. It’s fine we all have flaws. But other than that he’s just a big puppy.

After Umber is probably Kiyo. They have been the local doctor for the poor district of Korvosa for about 50 years, and they’ve lived in the city for over a century. They care about the city and its people and want to protect them and see them become something better than the crime filled hovel it currently is. As such, they’ve recently taken up the mantle of the vigilante Blackjack from the previous wielder, to help protect the people and give them hope. So they use their talents to protect the city they love in two forms: as a doctor caring for the sick and injured who cannot afford care elsewhere, and as a vigilante protecting the powerless and the innocent.

I think next is probably Draven. She has a bit of a hero complex. Just a little. Just ‘throw myself in front of enemy attacks and use my body as a shield to protect the innocents or my friends, with no regard for my own health and safety’ levels of self destructive hero complex. She is basically indestructible though so she can get away with it. Literally. It took a demi-god level powerful Demon Lord and three balors multiple rounds focusing all their attacks on trying to kill her to take her down, and it was her only death the entire campaign (it was the final battle). She did one thing and that was tank and she did it well.

I think next would be Roland. He was not a good person in his past, but he’s long since moved beyond that. He’s generally a good person, the quintessential stressed healer wrangling a chaotic party. He believes strongly in the ideal of redemption and that most people have the ability to become better versions of themselves, they just have to be willing to choose to put in the work to become that better self. If someone is remorseful of their actions and shows the desire to change Roland will fight for them and do everything in his power to help them see their new path through. He feels sympathy especially for those who were turned undead unwillingly and have to fight against an innate evil nature—given that he is himself an undead known as a Graveheart—and he respects those who choose to try to do good. He has helped to set up a place within the Valoria faith for these undead who want to turn towards the light.

Next would be Ileark. He’s generally a good person and does his best to always act in peoples’ best interests. He is a follower of Desna and is a strong believer in freedom, not feeling comfortable with most governing bodies or other rigid social constructs that restrict peoples’ personal freedoms. He is deeply against slavery, and slavers are one of the few things that make him truly seethingly angry. He is widely travelled and has seen every corner of the continent Avistan, and some parts of the neighboring continents. His breadth of experience makes him very personable with people from all walks of life. Ileark has healer envy for the party’s paladin, who is better at healing than him (he is a cleric with a prestige class who lost a lot of his healing abilities due to the prestige class), and he is self conscious and feels like he is a bad person because he is better at doing harm than that healing. The only character death the party has had was caused by Ileark, as he accidentally killed the party psychic—who is basically Ileark’s surrogate brother—because he’d had an infection that required using negative energy to knock him out to cure, and Ileark’s negative energy spell ended up being too powerful and flat out killed him. So he has a lot of guilt over that. Oh and also his birth mother is the goddess of night hags (and said psychic’s former goddess before he told her to fuck off and threw his unholy symbol into the ocean), and she wants Ileark to give in to her power and come to the dark side to become a night hag like her.

Next up is Lucien. He is also a Desna worshipper, but he’s less concerned with freedom and travel and more concerned with luck. He’s a gambler and an adrenaline junkie and he bases much of his philosophy off the idea that any test of luck is showing faith in Desna. Lucien doesn’t necessarily avoid doing the right thing or actively do harm (usually), but he doesn’t necessarily go out of his way to do good deeds like a lot of the people above either. He mostly just goes with the flow, lets a coin flip determine his fate, helps if there’s someone right in front of him obviously needing help, but can also oblivious to people needing his help if it isn’t directly asked of him. He isn’t always a particularly smart man, he mostly acts on his own whims with very little forethought—in fact he actively avoids thinking as much as possible because self reflection just makes him depressed and he doesn’t want to feel those things, he wants to ignore them and pretend everything is alright.

Sai is…where things start getting morally grey. Sai believes she is doing good. Her goal is to punish bad people and to protect good people. But she is very black and white in her thinking about ‘bad people’ and ‘good people’, and her methods of punishment for ‘bad people’ can range from what you’d expect from a regular adventurer to exceptionally cruel things. For example she turned a gargoyle into an insect permanently with his mind still intact and then released him into the wild to live out what he could of his inevitably short and terrified life after he killed one of the other members of the party—despite the fact that said party member came back to life afterwards.

Kaius will do anything to protect his family. And that’s a sweet nice thing that you’d expect from a hero right? Except no—he will do *anything* to protect his family. If aiding a villain is what it takes to protect his wife and daughter, he’d do it without hesitation and feel no guilt over it or any repercussions from it so long as it didn’t harm said family. He was a hair’s breath away from betraying his party when the group’s cleric turned out to be a cultist and she told him to join her and shoot one of the others. If she hadn’t shown her hand and revealed how her plans were going to affect his daughter, he would have done it, because she was the one member of the party he’d actually opened up to. As it was, he ended up fighting for the heroes side—but only because that’s what benefitted his wife and daughter the most, and because he felt betrayed by Gabby, not because it was the right thing to do, or because he had any moral objections to a cult subjugating everyone in the world and killing every deity but their own. Although he would have some objections to *himself* being subjugated so he’d probably fight against them on that alone.

Calio is my most morally bad character. He is, at his core, selfish. He doesn’t do anything for altruistic reasons, ever. There’s always an angle. However that being said, he is better than he used to be. His selfishness extends to the people close to him now—so if there’s something one of the other party members wants, he’ll want that for them as well. Unless their wants directly contradict one of his wants, in which case his wants still take precedent. Calio has been getting better ever since he met Greta. Before her, he wasn’t close to anyone and he didn’t take anyone’s thoughts or feelings into consideration ever. Since meeting her, he’s mellowed out a little and had began actively considering the people he cares about. However this consideration does not extend past the bubble of people he cares about—everyone else can go die in a hole for all he cares. He talked a man out of committing suicide recently—and if the other members of the party hadn’t been there he wouldn’t have bothered and would have just let the man die. Because he only did it because the others were the ones who would care if the man died. So, to reiterate, Calio might do good things sometimes, but he is not a good person.

[jgyapologism]

I agree with everything you said in this post!

I think it is difficult not to put oneself in Mew’s shoes and rather think about “what would I do” in this situation, and all of our answers will vary from one another. Mew is, after all, not a therapist and he’s just a 19/20 year old boy at this point.

You’re very right that Mew is being blamed a lot, and I apologize if my post came off like I was coming down on him. I don’t necessarily think he was being a bad friend.

He really does do his best, and I agree that we cannot take care of our self destructive friends ALL the time (see og post), and Mew is trying to set a boundary in the beginning - but his immediate expectation that Ray is drunk, that he needs something from Mew, and the tone he uses ... just rubbed me the wrong way. I know it probably says more about Ray than Mew in this instance, and the sheer number of times Mew has saved Ray at this point in time. Mew doesn’t say it exactly, but the tone he uses implies that he’s tired (rightfully so), but in Ray’s mind, he likely infers this tiredness as, in fact, being the burden he thinks he is.

(About the burden thing: I don’t see Mew OR Sand as evil for those things - but I will just say this: when we see Boston call Ray a burden, Mew says nothing, even knowing that this is what Ray thinks of himself. Even if it’s 2 years later, if I heard a friend call another friend those words, that would bring back that traumatic experience of said friend calling and using those exact words as he was on the verge of suicide. But again ... that’s just what I would do. I don’t know why Mew doesn’t speak up in the situation. Maybe he’s just forgotten. But I find that hard to believe.)

I think Ray’s trauma plays an intricate role in his relationships to love and relationships. He’s never known familial love, and before Mew (as far as we’re aware), has never experienced platonic or romantic love. His understanding of love, like any other unloved child I reckon, probably comes from media and societal expectations/explanations of what love means. Pack that on top of his innate trauma / fear of being left by the people he loves (see: his mother and father), you’re right, he DOES have a habit of expressing love in an attempt to keep people around.

Because Ray has an anxious/preoccupied attachment disorder.

“Adults with an anxious attachment style tend to have a negative self-view, but a positive view of others. This means that they may view their partner as their literal “better half.” Because someone with this attachment style deems themselves to be less worthy of love in comparison to other people, the thought of living without their partner (or being alone in general) causes high levels of anxiety. In other words, they deeply fear abandonment.

To ease this fear of abandonment, people with the anxious attachment style strongly desire security within relationships, and attention, care, and responsiveness from a partner tends to be the “remedy” for their feelings of anxiety.

On the other hand, the perceived absence of support and intimacy can lead someone with the anxious attachment style to become more clinging and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for reassurance that they are loved.” (Source: The Attachment Project)

I don’t think he means to do this at all. I think, like you said, Ray is a VERY traumatized person who needs professional intervention at this point and has needed it for a long time. Nobody can force him to change or get better on his own - that’s solely his decision.

I think understanding his trauma and his inability to form healthy relationships is important, and explains why he’s resistant to getting professional help. He thinks that Mew could fix him, if only he would return his love; and we see the same pattern forming with Sand. The answer to all of Ray’s problems (in his mind)? Love.

I agree that Ray is too toxic right now to be in any sort of relationship, and I truly do hope we see him get the help he deserves.

The aro-ace theory for Mew is definitely a solid one too, and makes things infinitely more difficult when thinking about Ray’s feelings and advances towards him. But speaking of attachment styles, I think Mew tends to mirror Ray. Instead of being anxious/preoccupied, he’s avoidant/dismissive.

“People with the avoidant/dismissive attachment style tend to have a positive self-view and negative one of others. Consequently, they prefer to foster a high sense of independence and self-sufficiency–especially on an emotional level.

Someone with the avoidant attachment style tends to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete: They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.

Adults with this attachment style generally avoid intimacy or emotional closeness, so may withdraw from a relationship if they feel like the other person is becoming reliant on them in this manner. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation, such as conflict.” (Source: The Attachment Project)

The fact that they mirror one another through their opposite attachment styles could explain why we see such tension between them on Ray’s part, and the distancing on Mew’s part.

I don’t know ya’ll. I just woke up so I don’t have many coherent thoughts. But I just think these characters and their relationships are really interesting.

You know, I just can't get the opening scene of only friends ep 4 out of my head, and not just because it broke my heart.

When the scene opens, Ray is doing a voice over, and the first thing he says is: "Everybody has an emergency contact. Someone to call when we need urgent assistance. That person can be a lover, a sibling, or a family member, but for someone who doesn't have any of those, my emergency contact is Mew."

And it just really makes me wonder how estranged he and his father must be from one another, for Ray to not even consider him a family member, or even consider having his own father as his emergency contact. Instead, he chooses the friend who, immediately upon answering, says: "Are you drunk again? I'm not picking you up this time."

And Ray's response to that? "I just called to tell you that I love you."

That right there should be raising alarm bells in Mew's head. But what does he say? "You're drunk and talking nonsense."

And Ray responds with: "Thank you for being a good friend to me and always taking care of me."

And fuck. It just makes me so, so sad. Because Ray is reaching out. He's fucking SCREAMING for help in this moment, calling the one friend he trusts enough to be his emergency contact, and that friend is responding in the most unsupportive way imaginable.

(Listen: I've been that friend. I've been the one who's been called upon by drunk family members or friends who are ALWAYS drunk. It can be exhausting, but if they said that shit to me? I would be IN MY CAR already on the way. I would have my phone ready to call a fucking ambulance if need be.

And like, yes. Setting boundaries is important. We can't always take care of our self destructive friends/family, but at moments like THIS, when they start using language like THIS, you better fucking pay attention.)

"If I'm gone, I won't be anyone's burden anymore, right? You take care of yourself."

Just ... the way Ray responds to indifference, or to insults, is to internalize it. He always blames himself. He is always viewing himself as the problem. And I just know it fucking stems from his mother and his father - a mother who apparently never hugged him and a father who seems to have abandoned him.

It just makes you think about the fucked up relationship that Ray must have with love, and how people express love towards him, that he has internalized it to the point of thinking he's a burden.

So here we have Ray, on the verge of suicide, calling the one person he thinks will be there for him during a moment of crisis, or perhaps the one person he thinks will offer him a way out - and Mew just, doesn't. Not until he realizes what Ray is about to do.

And I don't know. I just think it's a lesson for us all: If you care about somebody, fucking show it. All the time.

It reminds me of the very first episode, when Ray tells Boston, Mew, and Cheum that he loves them, and Boston's response is to say: "He's saying please don't leave me."

It just really fucking breaks my heart that Ray's response to being ridiculed is to not only internalize it and blame himself, but to still show love to that person, to still show his sincerity. And even then, his sincerity isn't accepted.

Because he's just a drunkard. How could he possibly be sincere?

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

[intyalote]

What are your thoughts of Helian Yi? I just feel so bad for him in Qiye and I think that it was unfair for ppl to hate him for actions that an alt!version of him did.

Oh boy, I hope you’re ready anon, because I have SO MANY thoughts. Sorry for the essay - I couldn’t help myself.

I already wrote a bit about him here (from the perspective of power and the loneliness of being Emperor), and I’ll point you to hunxi-after-hours’s Qi Ye summary post as well, which makes a couple points about him that I completely agree with. 

My biased take is that Helian Yi deserved better - I even had a few moments of regret while reading that he and Jing Beiyuan weren’t the endgame couple. I love Xiyuan and Wuxi, and Helian Yi/Jing Beiyuan would necessitate a very different novel, but I think that dynamic would be so interesting. Anyway, shipping aside, I was quite surprised to go on tumblr after finishing Qi Ye and find that some people really hated him, because when I was reading I mostly just saw him as a tragic parallel to Jing Beiyuan.

I do understand why some people are put off by him considering that, though it doesn’t happen in this lifetime, he does kill the protagonist of the novel. It’s just that I saw that as part of the tragedy of his “7-lifetime fate” with Jing Beiyuan. In the first lifetime, Jing Beiyuan pines for him and he doesn’t realize until it’s too late that he loves him back. In the seventh life, Helian Yi becomes aware of his own love much earlier - but ironically, it’s only because Jing Beiyuan doesn’t love him this time around and so he can’t take that devotion for granted anymore. I think he’s drawn so strongly to Jing Beiyuan in the seventh life because Jing Beiyuan has this freedom (which in itself comes from not loving Helian Yi anymore!) that he himself will never be able to achieve, and that’s what makes it all so tragic. The circumstances are such that they literally cannot both be in love with each other at the same time. That’s part of what I was trying to get at with my earlier meta.

The other thing I wanted to say in that post is - yes, he’s not a great person. But no one in Qi Ye is, and I never got the impression while reading that, in terms of morals or lack thereof, Helian Yi is any worse than Jing Beiyuan or Zhou Zishu. All three of them parallel each other in such interesting ways, and it’s a little weird to me that one gets singled out as worse than the others. This TYK meta argues that what makes all these terrible people sympathetic is that they choose to love - well, Helian Yi doesn’t get to make that choice. Partly because Jing Beiyuan makes it for him, and partly because he’s the Emperor, and can’t afford to put personal attachments above his duty. If you think of Qi Ye/TYK as novels about escaping court, the end message is basically that the degree to which you can do so is determined by your proximity to the throne. Zhou Zishu, as a jianghu man, can just leave entirely, Jing Beiyuan can sort of leave but can’t completely let go of politics, and Helian Yi can’t get out at all, ever. 

All this to say that, while I have nothing against his haters, to each their own and all that, I personally find him to be a deeply sympathetic character. I haven’t even touched on some of the other things I love about him, like how his father’s coldness and brothers’ scheming fucks him up, or how we suddenly get to see his core of steel during the invasion, but I do want to talk a little bit about how his Qi Ye self is different from his first life self, because it does feel a bit unfair that he has to suffer for something he doesn’t even remember doing. 

I’ve already gone into why Helian Yi realizes that he’s in love a lot sooner, but the other thing is - he lets Jing Beiyuan go. Yes, in the end he thinks Jing Beiyuan is dead, but before that he flat-out tells him to leave with Wuxi and is surprised when he doesn’t. From that, and from reading the Helian Yi extra (which is super depressing by the way, highly recommend), what I gather is that Qi Ye Helian Yi is a lot more self-aware. He knows that he loves Jing Beiyuan, and he knows that he can’t love Jing Beiyuan, and he knows that trying to keep Jing Beiyuan will result in destroying everything he loves about him. And though he chooses to let go - in those circumstances, isn’t that also a form of love? It’s just such a terrible situation to be in, and, all other things aside, that’s why he’s so compelling to me. 

[cherryblossomriot]

i had a dream the other day that was basically a dinluke cowboy au and it has been HAUNTING me, so just allow me to deposit it upon you like my subconscious drop kicked it onto me:

Luke is a disabled veteran who has returned from war one hand lighter and several scars heavier. When he returns, his family, who are heavily involved in the politics/military of this fictional land, don’t understand his now jaded and melancholic view of both the world, but also the ideologies that they so strongly believe in, leading him to constantly feel like an outcast even among the people that he so dearly loves. They’re all passionate and strong-willed, but they still don’t understand, not his struggles with mental health or his new perspective, and it just makes things worse and worse and worse. Anakin is a general, and though he’s seen the gruesomeness of war firsthand, he’s also become desensitized to it and has anger-management issues, so he often almost finds a sort of refuge within the chaos of battle, so he clearly cannot even fathom the emotions and trauma that Luke is trying to sort through, much less know how to deal with them properly. Padme is a senator and cares deeply about the crimes and seemingly senseless violence occurring during the war, but she’s also a politician and knows how to play the long game, so when Luke comes to her, he leaves feeling misunderstood and pushed aside. Leia is the only one who seemingly understands, as the pair of them have a deep, intrinsic bond, but she doesn’t fully grasp Luke’s moods and doesn’t handle his breakdowns and flashbacks well. So everyone feels a little upset, a little unsettled, and a lot like they don’t understand why and how Luke has changed, which leads to Luke feeling more and more out of place within his own family. The war ends relatively soon after Luke’s return, which leads to parades which leads to awards which leads to balls and banquets, all of which Luke is forced to attend, his heart dragging but his head held high, because he’s an Amidala-Skywalker goddammit, and we have a certain responsibility and image to maintain to the public and everyone who endured so much. So Luke has to sit there through awards and boasts of glory and mentions of battle scars and it goes on and on and on, and he has to smile and bear it and accept the medal that they’re giving him because he did such a great service to his country and-he has a panic attack. A nasty one that leads to him having to flee from a ballroom, and outside to the gardens. Once he’s there, he realizes that he doesn’t want to go back in. At all. So he runs away. He just picks a direction and goes, stealing a car on the way (this is a modern au but also fictional countries because I don’t want to get into real politics, hooo boy no siree). In the middle of nowhere, he gets caught in a storm and basically crashes his car and passes out. 

But when he wakes up! That’s when the fun begins. 

He’s in this cozy sort of bedroom, and this hot guy is fast asleep in the chair beside his bed, and is that a little kid in his lap? Anyway, the hot guy wakes up, introduces himself as Din Djarin in the softest, most attractive voice Luke has ever heard with his own two ears, and doesn’t ask him where he’s from or what he was doing driving in the middle of bumfuck nowhere at 3 in the morning, so Luke is obligated to have a lil crush on him, even though he’s not sure about the kid. So he asks, and Din introduces him to his son Grogu, who waves at him and signs hello, because, as Din explains, he doesn’t speak much, and the foster system wasn’t too kind to him, so he’s got a little bit of trauma to work through. And Luke just, instantly falls in love with this soft dad and his cute little son who can shift his features from the biggest, most pleading puppy eyes ever to the face of a demented gremlin who will try to eat the frog he caught in the backyard, no matter how slimy it is, or how hard it tries to wriggle out of his hands. Din tells Luke that he can stay for however long he needs, because Luke’s kinda injured from his accident, and anyway, once he’s healed up, they always could use another hand on the farm. So Luke stays, and he meets all of Din’s other farm hands (and shitty friends). There’s Boba, who doesn’t talk much, but when he does it’s always something slightly ominous and menacing, and Luke thinks that his name sounds familiar...hey wasn’t he on the news for robbing a couple banks a few years back?...no, surely not..., Fennec, who speaks even less than Boba, and manages to be far, far more intimidating, but also helps Luke with his prosthetic and gives him fun little tips that always sound more like she’s cut off a lot more limbs than she’s lost. Cara Dune (who is not gina carano but i digress) is also there, and she’s just constantly a harbinger of chaos, but will babysit Grogu whenever Din wants to brood and stare longingly into the distance (or at Luke who’s also brooding as the sun sets but shhh). Bo-Katan and the gang are there, and while Bo-Katan grumbles about how the old ranch boss had different/better methods on how to run things, she still follows Din’s lead and helps him with the finances and taxes. They all take to Luke like a wildfire, because Luke is a sunshine boy who can make friends with literally anyone and somehow manages to make Din not only smile but laugh, but also because they can tell he’s got a lot of trauma and pain bubbling just under the surface, and they all silently but collectively agreed a long time ago that they are the patron saints of troubled and lost souls. 

When Luke gets better and starts to help out, he’s constantly upset with himself because he used to help out at his aunt and uncle’s farm in the summers when he was a kid, and he knows how to do this stuff, but his prosthetic is really throwing him off and his body has sustained a lot of other injuries that make doing manual labor a much more different experience than it used to be, but everyone is really patient with him and helps him out, especially Din. At one point, Din is so nice that Luke just loses it, because he doesn’t understand how Din can be so kind and so patient, and care about him so much, and kind of calls himself broken and useless in front of Din, and Din gets super protective and grabs his hands (real and prosthetic) and tells him that he’s not broken or useless, and you’re so sweet and wonderful, and can’t you see? Ever since you’ve been here, everyone’s been so much happier, so much lighter. You’ve brought something precious to us, but most of all to me. And they’re standing really close and for a second Luke thinks Din is going to kiss him, but instead, Luke realizes that he’s crying, and Din just wraps his arms around him and holds him.

After that, time sort of blurs, marked by things like Grogu climbing into Luke’s bed because he sensed that he was having a nightmare, and Din waking up to find the pair of them coloring in a serene silence, Luke getting the hang of ranch life and his prosthetic and dealing with his panic attacks and flashbacks as they come, and Din enduring relentless badgering from his friends because hey, if you don’t marry Luke, I will and Fennec, you’re a lesbian and that doesn’t matter, it’ll be a marriage of twink and butch solidarity. And all the while, Din and Luke are spinning closer and closer towards each other, two suns hurtling in their orbit to the other with an inescapable certainty. 

When it finally happens, they’ve just gotten back from one of those cowboy dances (idk what they’re called...hoedowns? yeah okay) (and yes, I wanted to hit all of the cliches in the book, thank you very much), and Grogu’s fallen fast asleep on Luke’s shoulder. After they tuck him up all snug in his bed, they head out to the porch, because it’s raining outside, and the steady thrum of water droplets splattering on the roof and on the grass is the most soothing sound Luke has ever heard (aside from Din’s voice), and he’s a little too afraid to go to sleep and ruin his perfect night with a nightmare. They stand there for a while, silence binding them together, shoulders brushing every now and then, hesitant and questioning. Luke thinks about how Din had asked him to dance earlier, his lips tilted in a teasing, but achingly soft smile, and how his heart had pounded a tattoo to the shape of his ribs when they’d pushed up so close together, the fast, rowdy dances of the beginning of the night having faded to something lasting, something meaningful. Luke remembers the ball he’d run away from, how the dancing had been cold, almost jeering in a way, and Luke realizes how far he’s come, how different it is here. And suddenly, there isn’t a question in his mind anymore. He turns toward Din, who turns toward him, and when he leans forward, Din breathes an uncertain “Luke-”, but he doesn’t get to finish the thought. Luke kisses him, and he kisses back, and it’s just them. There are hands in hair and noses nudged together, and at some point, they move, without either of them releasing the other, into the house and into Din’s bedroom. Buttons are unbuttoned, and whole stretches of skin are kissed, and when it’s over, they curl up together, Din tucking his head into the crook of Luke’s neck and falling asleep there. 

When they wake up, Luke explains why he came here, why he ran away, all the while Din looks at him with his beautiful dark eyes and runs his hands through Luke’s hair, which is catching the sunlight filtering in through the window and making him look like he has a halo, all the while never once condemning him for keeping it a secret this whole time. After he’s finished, he expects some sort of shocked reaction-after all, his family’s pretty famous, but all Din does is kiss him and ask, “Wait, so you have a twin?” 

It’s so unexpected that Luke throws his head back and bursts into uncontrollable, and very contagious peals of laughter, and when he’s finally able to breathe again, he kisses Din’s forehead and murmurs, “I love you.” 

Din, who has been touch starved and lonely for years (no time for relationships when you’ve got a business to run and a toddler to raise), tears up and kisses him, too overwhelmed for words. But Luke understands.  

And then Grogu pushes his way into the room holding up a box of Frosted Flakes above his head and shaking it, as if to say, I’d like to eat now, please. 

Din and Luke stifle their smiles into the other’s shoulder, and when they get up, Luke can’t help but think that he’s finally where he belongs.

----

It takes approximately .5 seconds for all the others to figure out they’re together now, and Cara and Bo-Katan (of all people) start cheering immediately, to Din and Luke’s shock. Boba and Fennec grumble and begrudgingly hand over a huge wad of cash each to Cara and Bo-Katan because they thought it would take them at least another two weeks to get together. Din’s very done with his friends at this point, but he takes one look at Luke’s flustered but smiling face and decides he won’t kill them all this time. 

And if everyone thought Luke was a lot of excitement for a humble ranch in the middle of nowhere, then they are in no way, shape, or form, prepared for when his very angry twin sister shows up with a himbo with a shit-eating grin and his 7 foot tall best friend she hired to track her brother down. 

(needless to say, Boba punches Han within two minutes of interaction).

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 1

-no hate (this is merely my humble opinion) but i strongly dislike tom hughes as tom riddle, and here’s why-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

Just personally, this fancast induces a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, but this is the first time I’ve been able to sit down and articulate properly why it always throws me for a loop.

Now, does he fit the visual/aesthetic archetype?

Yes. I understand completely why people like this fancast. We know that he is studious, intellectual, and (at the time people generally fancast him for) involved in the criminal underground, and he more-or-less fits the physical description.

And, to be clear, it’s not that I don’t think Tom Hughes could play Tom Riddle, it’s that I don’t think the character he plays in the fancasts is a close enough approximation of Tom Riddle.

For me, herein lies the issue.

Tom Riddle’s character is all about the emotions bubbling under the surface. He’s a disaster waiting to happen -- he’s angry, he’s lonely, he wants revenge, he feels empty and hopeless and desperate, he’s irrational...

Not sure what movie/show the Tom Hughes clips come from, but the character he plays isn’t that at all. the character he plays is very self-possessed, poised, self-aware. Reflective. Remorseful (there are clips of him crying when/after he shoots someone). Introspective. 

That, to me, is not Tom Riddle at all. 

Yes, he does deal with moral conflict, but it’s never at the forefront of his mind. It’s not something he’s constantly grappling with. He doesn’t really... brood in this Hamlet-esque way.

Tom doesn’t think. Sure, he plans, he ruminates, he rationalizes a posteriori. But he’s very unaware of himself (in fact, it’s one of his fatal flaws). It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions; just that his internal state is a mystery most of the time.

He doesn’t connect with his own emotions; he is completely estranged from them. Tom cannot tell you whether he is happy or sad (not just because of his pride). He keeps his emotions and moral compass (which are highly uncomfortable things), in a locked little box, swallows the key, and disregards them. And yet, this character connects so deeply with his emotions that even the audience can see exactly what he’s going through. 

(There’s an openness -- an ease of vulnerability -- that Tom Riddle doesn’t have)

The thing about Tom, is that he hates himself just as much as he hates everyone around him. Creating Horcruxes to save himself from death is not an act of self-love, or even narcissism to the extreme; instead, forcibly ripping your own soul seven times is the most literally and metaphorically self-destructive thing a person could possibly do.

"Of the Horcrux, wickedest of magical inventions, we shall not speak nor give direction —"

If we go all the way back to Book 1, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, you’ll remember that the eponymous material (first described in the Epic of Gilgamesh) is capable of producing the Elixir of Life, a magical substance that makes its drinker immortal, as long as you have a steady supply. Not only that, but according to the beliefs of historical alchemists (such as Nicholas Flamel), it was capable of curing any disease. In the alchemical tradition, it symbolized perfection, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss.

If all Tom Riddle was concerned about was prolonging his life, this is the obvious (and better) option.

Here’s the alchemical symbol of the Philosopher’s Stone. Looks kind of like the Deathly Hallows symbol, right? It represents the interplay of the (at the time, believed) four elements of matter -- a sort of periodic table, if you will.

The mature Philosopher’s Stone was believed to be a red stone (for making gold), and the immature one a white stone (for making silver). Rubeus Hagrid and Albus Dumbledore, anyone??

"So he's made himself impossible to kill by murdering other people?" said Harry. "Why couldn't he make a Sorcerer's Stone, or steal one, if he was so interested in immortality?"

And Dumbledore responds:

"But there are several reasons why, I think, a Sorcerer's Stone would appeal less than Horcruxes to Lord Voldemort.”

"While the Elixir of Life does indeed extend life, it must be drunk regularly, for all eternity, if the drinker is to maintain the immortality. Therefore, Voldemort would be entirely dependent on the Elixir, and if it ran out, or was contaminated, or if the Stone was stolen, he would die just like any other man. Voldemort likes to operate alone, remember. I believe that he would have found the thought of being dependent, even on the Elixir, intolerable...”

And while, yes, he did try to steal it rather than make it, I am sure that in the time it took Tom to make all of his Horcruxes, he could have learned enough alchemy to produce it for himself (or wheedled the information out of Nicholas Flamel). While Dumbledore hypothesizes that it’s because Tom hates feeling dependent, this must be irony, because he spends the first book as a literal parasite, the next three as a virtually helpless creature, and the remainder still reliant on his Horcruxes.

"Well, you must understand that the soul is supposed to remain intact and whole. Splitting it is an act of violation, it is against nature."

But, like me, Dumbledore is making guesses at Tom Riddle’s internal state, and in this case, I think, he’s made an oversight. Horcruxes make him equally as dependent as the Philosopher’s Stone would have. It’s been established in canon that you cannot make yourself immortal without help; either you rely on the continued existence of your Horcruxes or your supply of the Elixir.

And while the Elixir represents the positive aspects of eternal life, like renewal, rebirth, and the cyclical nature of the universe (see above the ouroboros of Cleopatra the Alchemist, one of the four women who knew how to make the philosopher's stone), a Horcrux is antithetical to life. It represents disorder, and once the creator of Horcruxes dies, they are unable to move on from Limbo -- shut out of the cycle. Harry describes Tom’s mangled soul as looking like a flayed and mutilated baby -- permanently immature and stagnant.

This theme of destruction is furthered by the Golden Trio’s discussion on how to reverse the process:

Ron: "Isn't there any way of putting yourself back together?"

Hermione: "Yes, but it would be excruciatingly painful."

Harry: "Why? How do you do it?"

Hermione: "Remorse. You've got to really feel what you've done. There’s a footnote. Apparently the pain of it can destroy you. I can’t see Voldemort attempting it somehow, can you?"

With this in mind, we can surmise that Tom is either (a) impatient, which we know he is not (b) there was some deeper reason for favouring Horcruxes -- so, yes, I believe that either metaphorically or literally, this was self-harming behaviour.

He takes on the name of Lord Voldemort because he hates himself, Tom Marvolo Riddle. He hates the Muggle part of himself so much that he’s willing to tear apart his entire being. 

"Voldemort, is my past, present, and future, Harry Potter..."

If that isn’t renouncement of himself, I don’t know what is. He was clearly not born Voldemort.

While of course, this does NOT excuse ANY of his actions, I find it vastly implausible that the likes of Malfoy, Mulciber, Carrow, etc... would have been welcoming in any way, shape or form to an assumed ‘Mudblood’ in scruffy secondhand robes from a London orphanage, and as such, indoctrinated him into his fanatic belief in blood-purity via antagonizing him. 

(Imagine Hermione, but poor and without parents, in the 1930s/40s. She would not have been treated well in Slytherin, either.)

Children are more vicious than you think. And while Tom probably gave as good as he got at Wool’s Orphanage (and was possibly an active aggressor himself), Hogwarts wouldn’t have been a level playing-field. (I’ll talk a bit about this and the significance of the Gaunt Ring in Part 2).

In other terms, I think Tom was bullied for having dubious origins. That’s often the swiftest way to radicalize someone, and would have left Tom with a crippling sense of self-hatred that I don’t think he would have even picked up from the orphanage.

(And it’s possibly this early experience with relational aggression that results in his constant need to be on the offensive/defensive, distrust of others, and fear of vulnerability. To me, this is an archetypal response of someone who was a past victim of bullying.)

Why else would an extremely powerful half-blood subscribe so strongly to those beliefs? (Rather than discriminating via amount of raw power or something -- because what Tom is immensely proud of when Dumbledore meets him is his ability, not his parentage). But I digress.

Now, Tom Riddle is never, ever quietly menacing like this. The mask is either completely on or completely off. We never see this character angry. Tom Riddle, when the mask slips off, is fury incarnate. Anger is the one emotion he doesn’t find weak; the one emotion he’s completely and utterly honest with.

Besides, that brings me to my next point. Tom’s not quite so austere. In fact, he’s quite witty, and often quite pleased with himself.

Just look at the difference in their body language. Tom has much more fluidity (he’s circling Harry, the head-tilt, the eyebrows move and he smiles a bit) than the other character, who has so much tension. Yes, they’re both menacing, but in completely different ways. Tom is comfortable with his actions, no matter how shitty they are. This other guy doesn’t like doing what he’s doing, but he’s going to do it, anyway.

Contrasted with the above, Tom’s unawareness of himself is such that we end up with a character who has a bizarre mix of extreme self-hatred and high self-esteem -- he always believes he is in the right -- in this case, doing Salazar Slytherin’s noble work -- while going to extreme, self-destructive lengths, such as tearing himself in half at the mere age of sixteen.

So, sorry... I kind of get the appeal, but... I don’t like the fancast. 

(More unpopular opinions coming at 5:30 PM EDT tomorrow!)

[thickenmyblood]

It’s interesting because, like, Laurent being conventionally attractive is a pretty integral part of his character? Just because he’s got people fawning over him and being creepy all the time and it’s interesting to think about how it would affect his defensiveness and stuff if he was just, like… average? And tbh if he wasn’t blond and gorgeous I feel like Nik at least would like him a lot better just bc he wouldn’t be like… Damen’s making bad decisions bc he’s horny

Also in terms of Damen only respecting jocks I literally cannot get over the fact that he spends a good half of book one shitting on Ancel and the other pets for being pretty and useless and then straight up gets raped by him and then two scenes later sees him fire dancing and thinks “huh, this guy has a useful skill after all” and smiles on-screen for the first time because he’s genuinely happy the guy got the interest of the regent like seriously Damen I love you but wtf

I'm sorry. I have thoughts. Again.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about this and she told me, basically, that if Laurent wasn't pretty and/or didn't know how to fight, Capri wouldn't be Capri. It'd be a completely different story (although we all agree that it's not just Laurent's skill with a sword that draws Damen in. It's the fact that he starts to see Laurent as someone who's committed to his people, his men, etc.)

I think "being pretty but singed" is an actual trope, as in, many people enjoy writing/reading about someone who is beautiful on the outside but has dark secrets, an ugly past, whatever. Which is interesting to think about. It's also interesting how sometimes we will take a character who is explicitly described as undesirable and ugly and turn them into a hotter version of themselves. I do that with Govart, especially when I'm reading.

Sadly, I disagree a bit on the Nik part. I think Nik's character sometimes is read and interpreted as some sort of comedic relief, much like Nicaise (the fork scene in Book 1, for example). By this point, we all know there is a difference between canon and fanon, and so some characters become caricatures that can be quite the opposite of what they were meant to signify in the original text. I believe—once again, my opinion, just a way to interpret things, nothing else—that Nik's dislike for Laurent runs deeper than the fact that he thinks Damen is being a horny idiot.

Nikandros is a slave owner. He's the Kyros of Delpha, which we all know used to be Delfeur and belonged to Vere. He underestimates Laurent's abilities again and again, and when Laurent proves himself he has to do so in the Akielon way (so, fool Akielon guards, win the Okton—which I'm not even going to try and explain because I don't even get it myself. I really don't). Nikandros doesn't share Damen's journey as a slave, doesn't know what it's like to be at the mercy of another man simply by a twist of fate, doesn't know that slavery is not as fancy and nice as Damen described it in Book 1. Nikandros is Damen pre-journey, unchanged except for the grief of losing his friend. Not that I think Damen has turned into the Virgin Mary towards the end, but whatever.

My biggest issue with Nikandros as a character is that his whole development and "arch" happens in the third book, which is to me the worst book in the trilogy, full of things that make 0 sense, full of contradictions that not even fandom can "fix" without starting a headcanon war of epic proportions. All I can say is that I think Nikandros hates Veretians (dislikes them strongly? considers them militarily inferior? also, morally dubious?) and I refuse to believe after KR he was suddenly okay with slavery being abolished, became best pals with Laurent, and never had a shitty thing to say about Vere again.

Not only does Nikandros have all this prejudice against Veretians (which we can say he sort of overlooked that one time he was plotting with Laurent), but he's also the only person in the trilogy besides Jord that tells Damen things exactly how they are. I think Nikandros' concerns are very, very valid. You can't just build a cute palace on the border, get married without heirs, and unite two countries that have hated each other for many years. . . and not expect any sort of retaliation, uprising, mutiny, etc. It's simply stupid. But then, Pacat writes that that's exactly what happened. So. . . I don't even know where I was going with this.

Also, Nikandros probably doesn't give a fuck about helping Laurent get his kingdom back. Nikandros wants Kastor's head on a spike and for things to go back to how they were, so he can go back to Delpha and eat olives with bread while a hot slave fans him.

Damen only respecting jocks + the thoughts he has on pets and people, in general, are the two reasons why he's a good character when he's depicted as flawed. He has flaws. He judges people harshly and wrongly. He makes assumptions. He lies to himself. Giving him flaws isn't making him OOC. In canon, Damen is deeply flawed, just like Laurent is. I don't know when Lamen became the symbol for all that is good and pure, when really they're both. . . fucked up. Every couple in Captive Prince is fucked up. Jord and Aimeric? Jord is one creepy fuck. Aimeric is basically raping himself (at least in the very beginning, we can debate the rest). Anyone and Erasmus? Fucked. Up. Like, every version of Erasmus with someone ends horribly. Erasmus and Torveld are gross (objectively, because Erasmus is a SLAVE even though Pacat really tried to say 'Torveld is not like the rest of the slave owners, he's different'). Erasmus and Damen are gross because again, power imbalance, also Erasmus' feelings towards Prince Damianos are worthy of a good old therapy session. Erasmus and Kallias? I have thoughts but this is way too long. Erasmus and Govart? Rapey rape. I think the least fucked up couple is Berencel, BUT it can be argued that they're not part of the trilogy. We only meet Ancel in the short stories, so I don't know. Plenty of people haven't read Pet.

My final thoughts on this are that had Laurent been ugly as fuck, it would have taken Damen 400k words to fall in love with him. And if he was ugly AND not blonde. . . 650k.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS | CHAPTER 2

Rating: Explicit. 18+

‼️TW: Reader is EIGHTEEN! Recreational drug use, smoking and alcohol consumption, deeply internalised self-loathing, very questionable moral standards. Daddy kink taken half-seriously. BDSM themes in later chapters - explicit content will come with it’s own TWs. FIRST PERSON POV.

Summary: You’re Peter’s classmate, a child of rich and famous but uncaring parents. Getting paired up for a lengthy project with the boy was an interesting turn of events and you don’t know whether to feel blessed or cursed when you develop, seemingly, a perfectly normal, harmless crush on Tony Stark. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy and boredom, your life spirals out of control - and you’re lucky your newfound friends are there to pick up the pieces even if you cannot find it in yourself to believe these amazing human (and not so human) beings voluntarily give you more than a fleeting glance and an offhanded thought. And they brought cake!

A/N: Bad girls are sad girls! Always wondered what goes through the mind of a spoiled, rich but intelligent and perceptive teenager? Have you found yourself craving that adrenaline rush, the danger of a forbidden fruit? Okay. That was cheesy as hell. Gross.

Let’s try again. Sarcasm? Check. Vine references? Hell yes! Crude humour? Check. Blunt honesty? Double check. We’re living in a Lana del Rey song, ladies.

The author doesn’t actually condone codependent relationships in real life. This is a filthy little fantasy. Enjoy, deviants.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @vozit​ @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings​

Beta read by the lovely and patient @miscmarvelwritings  ! She deserves all the love 💙

Peter woke me up at eight AM the next morning like the little shit that he was, demanding I make him pancakes. It wasn’t the first time I’ve had the joy to experience him in the morning and he knew exactly how to antagonise me enough to make him the special pancakes he liked so much. They had become kind of a ritual whenever he stayed over at my house, which was quite often - teachers liked me enough to pair me up with one of the most sensible kids for any projects that couldn’t be done alone by yours truly on her own.

I put on my yesterday’s dress, applied moisturizer and obediently trotted behind an excitedly mumbling Peter. The kitchen was large, beautiful and delightfully empty of any resident superheroes. I’ve indirectly crossed paths with all of the tower’s residents hanging around Tony, but I’ve yet had to speak more than polite niceties to any of them. 

Spying a bowl of boiled eggs and some sort of weird salad alongside half burned toast on the counter, I suddenly understood why Peter demanded his pancakes. I strictly instructed the disaster child to stay away from my cooking process and set to work with one ear listening to his ramblings and a headphone in the other. 

A set of thumping footsteps appeared behind me as I was pouring the batter for the first pancake. Their owner loudly sat down next to Peter, sighing, groaning, generally making “I’m not a morning person” sounds.

“Good morning, Mr. Barnes,” Peter’s tone was way, way too chipper.

“‘mrng,” The Sergeant grumbled. “Who’s this and why is she making pancakes?”

I turned around, spatula at the ready. “It’s me,” We’ve actually met before, but Barnes had left before I could even come over from my side of the work bench to say hello.

He nodded in acknowledgement after giving me a suspicious once-over. “One of Stark’s science children. I’m James but you can call me Bucky,” His voice sounded rough and gravely, and he clutched a coffee cup half the size of my head.

I snorted. “Science child, sure,” It wasn’t half-bad actually. I wisely choose to ignore the part of being Tony’s. No matter how hot the man was, I wasn’t anybody’s but my own, thank you very much. “Go get the bananas, Nutella and maple syrup, fellow science child.”

Peter scrambled to follow instructions as I plated the pancakes and cut the bananas into neat little rings to fill the sweet circles with. A tablespoon of Nutella, half a sliced banana, wrap, garnish with powdered sugar and pour maple syrup generously on top. I really didn’t see how this could be difficult but any and all attempts to teach Peter how to recreate my masterpiece always ended up in an absolute mess. I turned around to ask Bucky if he wanted any. The look of a man starved answered all my questions.

“You’re a goddess,” Peter moaned around his mouthful, nose smudged white with the powdered sugar.

“Gross, chew first then talk, you neanderthal,” I scoffed, prepping more batter for the second batch of pancakes. I wasn’t sure if everybody would show up but figured it would be rude to exclude them from the sheer magnificence that were my pancakes. I was just that good.

The music in my ear drowned most of Peter’s disgusting chewing noises, thankfully. My second batch vanished into thin air, inhaled by the two males like the garbage disposals that they were. Peter, in particular, ate an alarming quantity of food and I was surprised how he managed to stay so skinny. His daily eating schedule resembled the Hobbits.

More people appeared, this time acting less surprised regarding me standing at the stove. Hawkeye, Black Widow, Scarlet Witch and her brother, all of them wandered in wearing sleep attire with various amusing prints. Thankfully, they mostly kept quiet or chatted with Peter - I would have definitely grumbled if someone tried to talk to me. As far as my body was concerned it was still the middle of the night.

“PANCAKES,” A booming voice announced and I shuddered at the sheer intensity and devotion contained in that one word. Thor.

“Please use your indoor voice,” I snapped reflectively. My brain caught up with what I just did so I hastily backtracked. “Sorry, I’m a bitch in the mornings.”

The blonde man chuckled, coming over to poke his nose into my flurry of pour-flip-fill sequence. Then, with all the grace and manners of a prince, he dipped one (1) large finger into the jar of Nutella and wandered off with it stuck in his mouth. With this turn of events the Nutella was bound to run out sooner than expected.

I turned around, annoyed confusion in plain sight. “The fuck?.. That’s gross, don’t do that,” Finding his brother (adopted!) sitting next to Thor, wearing a haughty smirk, finger still in his mouth. So Loki turned into his brother to steal Nutella from a jar. I sighed. Nobody even batted an eye. “Your alien germs are in there now, double ew.”

“Alien germs? Where?” Bruce entered the kitchen with a tablet under his arm, wearing Hulk themed pajamas, Captain America in tow. I was honestly on the verge of breaking down into hysterical laughter. Domestic Avengers wasn’t something I’d expected to see or experience, ever, much less be a part of. It took a moment for me to remind myself that they were people, too, and each of them was entitled to their own quirks. 

“America, egg-splain,” Peter muttered under his breath, giggling. “Loki stuck his hand in the Nutella jar,” He pointed at said jar. “She got grumpy,” Peter pointed at me. “Don’t make her grumpy, please, I want more pancakes,” And turned his pleading puppy eyes in my direction again.

“This is indentured servitude,” I pointed my spatula at the little shit. “You just had, like, ten.” But I made more batter nonetheless. I must admit it was kind of cool, seeing the earth’s mightiest defenders so relaxed. And Pete being happy, that was just… The best. I don’t know how to explain it. His eternal cheerfulness was highly contagious.

Chuckles filled up the room, the adults chatting and bickering amongst themselves while they patiently waited for their own breakfast. 

“Do you need some help?” Bruce approached me after stopping to fetch himself a cup of tea. It smelled strongly of tangy herbs and honey.

“I need more Nutella and bananas,” I admitted, surveying the sheer amount of people I had to feed. I didn’t doubt the Captain and two Asgardians had an appetite to match Peter’s which meant a literal extra set of condiments was required. Thankfully, Bruce fetched them for me, coming to a stop next to me. “Anything else?”

“You know, I tried making these with Peter and he just ended up with powdered sugar and chocolate all over himself,” I mused, noting the way Banner was carefully observing the assembly of a pancake. “You think Doctor seven-phds can manage to add a few toppings to a pancake without causing a disaster?“ 

Bruce rolled his eyes fondly, bumping me with his hip. "I’m no Clint Barton when it comes to cooking but at least I don’t burn my toast like Steve,” True to his word, his hands made swift motions of filling, wrapping and plating each individual pancake. They were almost as good as mine albeit more messy. I had lots of practice though. We finished off a batch in companionable silence, sounds of the team and my music playing in the background. 

I didn’t notice when I started swaying to the rhythm, catching a confused look from Bruce. I brushed back my hair, revealing a wireless headphone in my ear and he chuckled in understanding. “What are you listening to?”

“Right now? Kings of Leon,” I said, leaning towards him so he could hear the chorus “Use Somebody” currently occupying my right ear. 

“I like them, too,” He said, his cheek gently touching mine. His hands slowed on the pancake, a soft hum vaguely reminding me of the song’s melody emanating from his throat. “What else do you usually listen to?”

“Mostly heavier stuff, but I have a whole separate playlist dedicated to mid-2000s bops,” I answered. “I’ve heard I’m quite old school when it comes to music.”

“Well, I am an old man, so…” Bruce grinned mischievously. “But my guilty pleasure is Lady Gaga,” He admitted with a laugh.

I laughed, too. The image of his dancing in his lab to Born This Way was too much for my brain and I hung my head, fighting giggles. Bruce bumped me with his hip again, faking a pout. “Okay, okay, that was a fucking hilarious image, you go dude,” I finally powered through my struggle to contain laughter. “My own guilty pleasure would be… Umm… Lana Del Rey, I guess.”

Bruce made a vague noise of confusion. I took a brief break from mixing the batter to dig out my second headphone, presenting it to him and switching to a song. “This is what makes us girls”. Despite the fact I have never stolen a car or had a close female friend, the nostalgia was real. “Carmen” followed after the first song and I silently thanked whatever deity that “You can be the boss” was taken out of Spotify - I don’t think I was prepared to share that kind of information with a lab partner. An older, handsome lab partner. Wait… Where did that come from?

“I like it,” He said after the song ended and my more usual stuff began playing. “It suits you, I think.”

I groaned. “Really? I think it’s edgy,” Hiding away the embarrassment, I passed him a tray of freshly baked pancakes, occupying his immediate attention.

“You’re an old soul,” He gave me a lopsided smile. I saw a very faint blush tinting his cheeks, the kind of blush that had me wondering about the meaning behind his words. 

I gave an attempt at a smile in response, the left corner of my mouth barely tilting up. We talked some more about the rock music we shared in our earphones. I had a lot of 80s hair metal and 90s grunge in my playlist. Bruce was not a Curt Cobain man but enjoyed the works of his legacy, Marcy Playground. 

A tan hand wormed its way between me and Bruce, snatching a handful of banana slices and disappeared just as swiftly. “Tonyyy,” Bruce groaned, picking up another banana to replace the stolen pieces.

The spatula in my hand became a weapon as I blindly aimed at the target behind my back. A loud “ow” indicated I hit it. When I turned around, Tony was clutching the side of his face, a hurt look in his eyes and cheeks stuffed full of stolen goods. I stared him square in the face, absolutely refusing to acknowledge the fact that he was shirtless - the arc reactor glowed brightly in the middle of his toned chest. Fuck.

His chest was honestly what I was aiming for. I constantly kept forgetting how short he actually was. There was this one time when Tony had to put his arms around me to steady a piece of tech - he felt huge, hard and enormous around me. 

“What’s that for, Princess?” He finally chewed through his food and found his voice.

“For being a Tony,” I retorted. “Stay away from my workspace and wait for your breakfast like everybody else.”

“Hey! This is my kitchen,” He whined immediately, like the adult man that he was. I nearly cried from how adorable his face became, eyebrows scrunched up. “I don’t want to wait! And why does he,” Tony’s finger accusingly pointed at Bruce, “Get the bananas?!”

“Because he’s Brucie-bear,” I stuck my nose up in the air when Bruce’s arm wrapped around my waist. “He’s my science father,” I stuck my tongue out at Tony, seeing Bruce’s triumphant smile. Banner used every opportunity to get back at Tony’s incessant sass. 

The gleaming in Tony’s eyes should have alarmed me. “But he’s not your science daddy,” Tony’s flirting was accompanied by a salacious eyebrow wiggle and Peter’s screech of “OH MY GOD!" 

It took me every ounce of willpower to not flush. It was one of those rare times that I was at a complete loss of words. Thinking on the spot, I gave a very meaningful look to Bruce - thankfully, he got the gist and returned an equally filthy smirk back. Tony gaped.

"Is this how they are in the lab?” The Captain’s quiet voice leaked horrified amusement.

“All.The.Time.” Peter’s resonating groan was followed by Romanoff’s laughter.

We went up to the lab after breakfast. Thankfully Tony stopped his dramatic bitching when I served him my pancakes, scarfing them down much like everybody else. So me and Pete were accompanied by one (1) happy engineer, all three of us tinkering away on a robot that we were supposed to present in our science class in a month. The focus that was required to solder was immense and our usual banter was missing, replaced by an occasional request for a specific tool or a water bottle.

It took a few hours to get the dirty job done even with Tony’s help (technically he wasn’t supposed to but neither me nor Pete had the heart to forbid him from it when the man looked so content and happy soldering away). By the time I uncurled from my spot on the bench, my back was in knots and my dress had oil stains and holes all over it. I immediately went to the nearest water bottle, finishing half of it in seconds, picking up my phone to see if I had any important messages from my mother.

None.

Just a message from Bruce.

I tapped on my phone, idly scrolling through the Instagram app, liking some pictures of people I barely knew and keeping up a general appearance of being very busy. When the ringtone started playing, it took me a whole five seconds to understand it was, in fact, coming from my phone - I certainly wouldn’t put something so… Outrageous as my main tone.

Banner had discovered the power of the internet. You Can Be The Boss played loudly, and it played from my phone and Bruce was calling me. I picked it up, turning around, fighting the incoming laughter. “Yes, Brucie?" 

To say that Tony’s and Peter’s faces were scandalised was nothing. The boy’s face was such a deep shade of red, I started worrying about his blood pressure and Tony’s mouth hung open limply, like he was witnessing the second coming of Christ. 

"Is Tony sufficiently traumatized?” Judging by the breathless tone of his voice, Banner was resisting a mighty laughing fit of his own.

“Oh, absolutely,” I happily chirped.

“Good, keep it up. Come to my lab before you leave,” Banner snorted and then, realising what he’d done, promptly hung up, the tell-tale beginning of a giggle fit abruptly interrupted by a dial tone.

I put the phone in my bag, gathering the rest of my things with a look somewhere between innocence and indifference. At least, I hoped it was - my mind kept jumping between the engineer’s ridiculously scandalised face and the way his mouth went slack, lips moist and soft and plush. That’s a very dangerous trail.

A very dangerous trail I couldn’t resist exploring in the solitude and privacy of my own bedroom, at home.

[cloudyskywars]

The Magnus Archives, Season 2

Hello again. I’ve now finished listening to Season 2 of TMA and have lost my mind. @reese-haleth can confirm. After Season 1 I wrote my “statement” regarding my thoughts on the season. I’ve done it again, even though no one asked lol. Listen, I just love this podcast a lot, okay? Enjoy my 2,000 word report on Season 2 of The Magnus Archives. 

Statement below the cut.

Continued statement of CloudySkyWars and her experiences listening to the second season of The Magnus Archives. Statement originally given 28th April, 2021. 

I… don’t really know where to begin. It has now been a full day since I finished Season 2, and I still don’t quite know what to think. So many things were revealed in the season finale, and throughout the season in general. I don’t quite know what to do with all the new information I have now. In rereading my previous statement, I was right to be nervous for Jon. I didn’t think it was possible, but his situation got worse.

Let’s start with an easier- well, not easier- but more approachable topic I suppose? Sasha is gone. I think I’ve known that from the end of last season, when her voice changed abruptly and no one seemed to notice. Her scream as she was eaten, or taken, or whatever it was, was terrible. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected her to come back from something like that. Still, it hurts me to know that she’s truly gone. 

We now know more about the being that took Sasha. I’m still not sure what it is called exactly, but for now I shall refer to it as the Not Being. It has apparently been around for ages; hundreds, possibly thousands of years. As it said itself, it wears the person that it chooses as its victim. It transforms into them, for lack of better word, except it changes its appearance, yet somehow tricks everyone into believing that that is how the person has always appeared. Well, almost everyone. It is odd how there always appear to be one or two people that the being cannot fool. In the case of Graham, it was his neighbor across the street. In the case of Sasha, it was Melanie, the ghost hunter. As Gerturde Robinson said, it is strange that a being that has the power to assume someone’s identity and change pictures and hundreds of people’s memories somehow misses just a few people that remember who the person was at first. I do not know for sure, but perhaps those that it cannot fool are somehow protected by another one of the Beings. 

That’s another difficult topic. The Beings. I don’t know exactly what to call them yet. Jon has slowly been putting the pieces together, and with the statement of the now late Jurgen Leitner, the pieces form an almost complete puzzle. From my understanding, there are 10 Beings so far that we are aware of at this time.

Here is my understanding of the Beings so far. I don’t know how correct any of this is, but I know I still have much to learn.

Being 1: Darkness. The form of darkness incarnate, responsible for the founding of the cult The People’s Church of the Divine Host. It can dim lights, and also affect the water when it is near. The head of the cult in the 1990s was one Maxwell Reiner. 

Being 2: Michael, aka The Spiral. It lies. This Being appears to be a master of deception and trickery, and has no regard to others except to watch them in its tortured games. I will discuss Michael further, but right now we know the appearance it chooses to take at this time: a tall man with curly blonde hair and bulbous, swollen hands. 

Being 3: Meat. I do not know much about this being at this time. It appears to be vicious, and quite literally thirsts for blood and meat. 

Being 4: Fire. Again, my knowledge on this particular being is limited. I believe it to be closely tied to Agnes Montague, and perhaps be an enemy of the Not.

Being 5: Not. As I stated before, this being takes the identity of its victim and warps it, manipulating almost everyone’s minds to forget the original form of the person ever existed. It always seems to miss a few though. Its one weakness seems to be the wooden table that Jon has now destroyed. Jon was under the impression that the Not got its power from the table, but the opposite was true. The table was binding it, and for a bit it seemed as though the Not had almost unlimited power, taunting Jon in the tunnels. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The Not can trick photos and people’s minds, but appears to be unable to alter voice recordings of the victim as long as it is recorded on magnetic tape. This is how Jon realized that Sasha was indeed Not Sasha, as he found the tapes from Season 1 where her voice was recorded. It also seems to be unable to alter polaroid photos.

Being 6: Abyss. We don’t know much about this one yet, either. It takes the form of some abyss or another, whether it be the sky or the deep blue ocean. I am not ashamed to say that this Being is one of the scariest for me.

Being 7: Giant- I feel this is a poor descriptor for this being, but it is the best I can come up with at the moment. It is exactly as it sounds; a giant. So far we have primarily seen it manifest as a giant hand. Perhaps that would be a better name for it. Hand. 

Being 8: Thin- This is, I fear, not an accurate description of this Being. It is described as being tall and thin, with limbs like knives. Not much is known about him at the moment, however we believe that his “brother” of sorts was the werewolf creature from a previous statement. 

Being 9: The End- The Being of death and disease. I strongly suspect that this is the being responsible for Jane Prentiss, as well as John Amehurst, who has shown up multiple times so far in the series. 

Being 10: Eye, aka the Beholder- This Being is in control of The Magnus Institute, and ‘owns’ all those who work there. The Eye watches people, as its name suggests. It also apparently protects those it owns from the other beings, and the protections are strongest in The Institute itself. 

I hope that the Darkness has mostly gone away, for now. Basira claims that Maxwell Reiner, the head of The People’s Church of the Divine Host, is now dead. Hopefully this means that the Darkness will have less influence over this world for the time being. At least until it can find another host.

And that’s another thing. Basira. We were just introduced to the character this season, and already I am very attached to her. It disappoints me that she has left the police force and will no longer be able to help Jon, but I do not believe we have seen the last of her. Her leaving the police opens the door for her to help Jon more in the future, especially now that he is on the run for murder. I will… discuss that more deeply later. Basira’s introduction also caused us to meet Daisy, who I quite like at the moment, but I feel that will change quickly as she is the one investigating Leitner’s murder and will most likely be leading the manhunt for Jon. For the moment though, she is in my good graces. 

Daisy’s first statement talked about her first encounter with a paranormal experience. It dealt with the coffin from the statement of Joshua Gillespe. The moving company, Breekon and Hope, is not gone. I don’t think it ever will be. I do not yet know which Being they are associated with, if any, but they have caused problems in the past and I have cause to believe they will continue to cause problems in the future.

Now for the difficult part: Jon. He is in quite the predicament right now, and I am scared to see what will happen to him. He is on the run for murder, because Elias Bouchard brutally murdered Jurgen Leitner and has now framed Jon for it. Elias had me fooled. I thought he cared about Jon, about all of them. But he is clearly dedicated to the Eye, and anything that threatens the Beholder and what it watches, holds, and owns- Elias will stop at nothing to protect it. I do not know if Elias is a paranormal being himself or is simply an instrument of the Eye. 

I desperately hope that Jon will be alright. I think, (though I could be wrong), that he will reach out to Basira and ask for her help. Season 2 has developed outside characters more so than Season 1, and I believe it is so that Jon has connections that he can reach out to. With Basira leaving the police force, it opens the possibility that he can go to her for help. The same is true with Melanie. She and Jon have something that could almost be considered a friendship, though most of their conversations end in a verbal sparring match or fight. Nonetheless, Melanie was heading to India, and Jon was aware of that. Perhaps he will go to her for assistance, or maybe he will wise up and realize that Martin actually cares about him and ask him for help. We shall see. 

Gerturde Robinson is another character we have learned more about this season. She is hardly the absent minded old woman we were led to believe she was. In the beginning, Jon complained about her lack of organization in the Archives, but now I think there was a reason for it. She put the pieces together, and was murdered for it. She was trying to separate the pieces, to make it safe for whoever took her place, as well as attempting to fool Elias into thinking she didn’t know what was going on. She failed at that, as he discovered her knowledge and murdered her in the tunnels beneath the Archives. It was also revealed that she was working with Jurgen Leitner.

Leitner has been mentioned since the beginning, though we heard from him for the first and last time in the final two episodes of Season 2. Contrary to my assumptions, he was not making his books evil, simply trying to harness the power they already possessed. I am thankful that he saved Jon from the Not Being, as Jon would have surely died had Leitner not interfered. He is very knowledgeable in paranormal matters, and did his best to explain it to Jon. However he was murdered by Elias before he had a chance to explain all he wished to. Leitner claims that the books are the Beings in their purest form, and I am certain we have not seen the last of the books from Leitner’s extensive library. 

Martin and Tim surely think that Jon murdered Leitner. I hope that Martin at least will continue to have faith in Jon, and that he will possibly find the supplemental tapes that Jon had been recording and realize what was actually happening. Only time will tell, though. 

Another Being that we learned more about this season was Michael. He was first introduced to us by Sasha (the real one), back in season 1. At the time, it was portrayed as either a passive or helpful Being, showing Sasha how to kill the worms that came from the thing once known as Jane Prentiss, but this season has proved that not to be the case. Michael has trapped people multiple times, (notably Helen Richardson), and has since shown more aggression than before. It stabbed Jon, who then proceeded to lie about his wound because he didn’t trust his coworkers. To its credit, in the second to last episode of Season 2, Michael helps Jon get a head start from the Not Being after Jon accidentally sets it free. However it then proceeds to trap Martin and Tim in one of its corridor labyrinths for days in some sort of sick game for its enjoyment, and comments that it may also kill them. Luckily it either failed or changed its mind. Time will tell whether or not the Being that calls itself Michael will be more of a friend or foe. 

I suppose that’s it, really. There are surely many things that I have forgotten, but I have done the best I can to document my thoughts and my knowledge of The Magnus Archives at this time. I don’t know all that is going on, I don’t know how things will be resolved. I don’t even know if the mystery will be fully solved. But I desperately hope that things will be explained, that we will receive answers, and that the mystery will be solved. It has to be. I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s not.

Statement ends. 

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

Tale of the Nine Tailed: More Analysis and Theories (Ep 9 & 10)

If you haven't done so already, I would suggest that you read all of my other TOTNT posts before continuing to read this post because otherwise you might find yourself lost or confused as to what I’m talking about. For the most part, the majority of the theories that I have proposed here have came true which is great! However, there were a few theories, most notably my zombie theory that didn’t quite come true. Although I wouldn’t be surprised that if in the end we found out that the Imoogi had a hand in creating those zombies. 

Now this post may leave you in a state of exhaustion upon reading it, but I can guarantee you that it will be well worth your time at the end of it ! Additionally, I would like to apologize in advance if I haven't posted my theories or analyses right away, but I’ve been preoccupied with school work as well as tirelessly watching the US election. Needless to say, it’s been a very long week for me! I do want to write well thought out posts for you all, but at the same time I hope you guys will understand that these theoretical and analytical posts do require a great deal of time and extensive research. Anyways with that being said, let’s get to theorizing and analyzing the clues of which we were given in Ep 9 and Ep 10!

What The Imoogi Wants 

Initially, I had strongly believed that the Imoogi was after Lee Yeon’s fox bead because it was a form of “Yeouiju” which could’ve helped it become a celestial dragon. There are of course other ways an Imoogi could be a celestial dragon: 

1) Fox Bead/Yeouiju

2) Sacrificial Virgin Bride

3) Living to be 1000 years old

It should be noted that I am still somewhat uncertain whether in the context of TOTNT, an Imoogi would need to fulfill all three requirements to become a celestial dragon. In Korean mythology, it is heavily implied that the Imoogi only needs one of the three. Furthermore, in most of the popular myths about the Imoogi, it mainly seeks to obtain the fox bead/yeouiju. Thus, this is why I had initially concluded that the Imoogi in TOTNT was solely after Lee Yeon’s fox bead/Yeouiju and not anything else. However since TOTNT is an adaption of many popular Korean folklore, I think the writer is trying to incorporate all three requirements in their own unique way. Meaning that they are trying to add their own dramatic flair or twist to it. Now I’ve already discussed in great detail about the first two ways so now I want to focus on how I think the writer is trying to incorporate the requirement of living to be 1000 years.

1000 Years + More on Bok Gil/Imoogi’s Background

First, it is implied that Mountain Spirits are “celestial” animals (i.e bears, foxes, snakes, and tigers). By “celestial” I mean that you have to be at least 1000 years old in order to even be considered for this prestigious position. Therefore, at the time when Ah Eum had met Lee Yeon, he had just been recently appointed to that position. In the meanwhile, we as the viewers aren’t given any additional information as to what Lee Yeon had been doing up to that point. One thing is for sure, Lee Yeon must have been a real arrogant and egotistical ass. There I said it ! I mean just look how he behaved when he first met Ah Eum and Lee Rang! However, I think that by meeting Ah Eum and Lee Rang, they brought out Lee Yeon’s more compassionate side.

So you’re probably wondering well what the hell does this have anything to do with the Bok Gil/Imoogi? Well I’m getting to that! If you had remembered, I had theorized that Lee Yeon may have been the reason why Bok Gil committed suicide. Given Lee Yeon’s arrogant pretentious nature, I could definitely see Lee Yeon being completely unaware that his words and actions could’ve deeply affected others. One of those people was Bok Gil/Imoogi. 

I believe that Bok Gil/Imoogi is around or exactly the same age as Lee Yeon.  Bok Gil had probably died some time during the Goryeo or Joseon dynasty. What makes me believe this? Well just look at the kind of shoes Taluipa was holding. Those shoes are “Kkotsin” which were typically worn by men during those dynasties. Coincidentally, around the same time Bok Gil had died, Lee Yeon was appointed to the Mountain Spirit position. It raises the question, did Bok Gil kill himself before he was able to reach the “celestial” age of 1000 years old? I think so. Thus, he was unable to meet one of the requirements to become a Mountain Spirit. 

Collectively, I think Bok Gil’s backstory will have a lot to do with our understanding of the Imoogi’s true motivations . For the Imoogi, it’s not purely about fulfilling the requirements of becoming celestial dragon, but it’s more about personally getting revenge on the person who took away his chance of ever becoming a Mountain Spirit in the first place. If you think about, you didn’t see him trying to go after Sato or any of the other Mountain Spirits or any other Gumiho for that matter. He specifically zeroed in on Lee Yeon.

Maybe the only wrongdoing that Lee Yeon may have committed towards the Imoogi was that he simply existed. Though, I wouldn’t be surprised that Bok Gil’s death and his hatred for Lee Yeon had all stemmed from a simple misunderstanding because let’s be real here, one of the central themes in TOTNT is misunderstandings. 

Imoogis are typically seen as auspicious creatures in Korean folklore. Meaning that they are typically viewed as a good omen. Therefore, I think the Imoogi/Bok Gil was a good person, but because of his jealousy of Lee Yeon, he was driven towards depression and suicide. Upon coming back to life, instead of sadness, he was filled with anger and the need for revenge. I mean it’s easier to be angry than sad right?

Additionally, other theories I have for Bok Gil is that maybe his mother had foreseen he would meet the love of his life (Ah Eum) once he became the Mountain Spirit. However, this all changed when whoever decided that position belonged to Lee Yeon instead. If you think about it, Taluipa’s visions of the future are purely subjective just like Alice’s visions from Twilight. Meaning that the future is subjective because it is based on a person’s decision which can readily change.

Imoogi Changes His Decision of What He Wants

In the past, the Imoogi had wanted Lee Yeon’s heart. You might ask well what did the Imoogi mean by Lee Yeon’s heart? Did he mean his literal or figurative heart? The Imoogi could have meant his literal heart, but I think he meant it in a figurative sense. I think the Imoogi probably meant Lee Yeon’s fox bead which in traditional Korean folklore is the main power source/life force of a Gumiho, but I cannot say this with 100% certainty because TOTNT is after an adaption of many Korean folklore. 

Now in the present, the Imoogi changed his mind of what he wanted from Lee Yeon. Why? Because he already knew that the fox bead has disappeared into the hands of the fortune teller. The Imoogi with his great powers could’ve easily gone after the fortune teller to retrieve it had this been his main objective. The Imoogi’s main objective isn’t to become a celestial dragon. Rather, it’s to get revenge on Lee Yeon whom he believed had stolen the life he was meant to have. The Imoogi had wanted Lee Yeon to suffer just as he had when he was alive as Bok Gil. He wanted Lee Yeon to feel the exact same pain of having to lose everything most precious to him. Man the Imoogi/Bok Gil is so immature! Taluipa, you need to discipline/talk with your son !

Is Taluipa a Snake/Dragon?

Other things I think would be interesting to know is what kind of species Bok Gil was. As mentioned earlier, Taluipa’s character is based off of Samsin Halmoni. In both Chinese and Korean folklore, Samsin Halmoni and Goddess Mago have been viewed as being the same. Mago was described as having long birdlike/clawlike finger nails. Furthermore, the Goddess Mago was associated with snakes, caves, and the “elixir of life”. See where I’m going yet?

Although it has not been revealed yet, I think that underneath Taluipa’s human skin, she is a snake/dragon. Therefore, this would also make Bok Gil a snake just like his mother. However, I am still unsure as to what kind of animal Taluipa’s husband is because as far as we know, he is just a regular human with immortality that was granted to him by Taluipa. If that is the case, would Bok Gil have been only half snake? 

Does Taluipa Realize The Imoogi is Her Son?

I don’t think Taluipa has realized that the Imoogi is her son yet. If you remembered, I had said Bok Gil’s soul was in limbo. Therefore, when his soul traveled back into the land of the living, it had probably randomly jumped into whoever’s dead body was in that cave, thus this would make him unrecognizable even to his own mother. 

Other things to note is that just as there is many foxes in the TOTNT, it should be assumed that there are also many snakes/Imoogis too. So Taluipa might not have realized that this one particular Imoogi was actually her son. 

I think also that the Imoogi has the ability to cloud Taluipa’s psychic powers of clairvoyance. The decisions we make determines the kind of future we will have. And where exactly are decisions made? In our minds. We obviously know that the Imoogi has the psychic power to read others’ minds, but I think he also has powers that can block others from reading his. Without being able to see the Imoogi’s decisions which are made mentally, Taluipa cannot foresee what he will do next, only what he is doing presently. It’s about to be mother and son psychic power showdown ! Ouch, my brain hurts just thinking about that !

Resolving the Entangled Mess

In some of my previous posts I had suggested that Lee Rang will be the one that tragically dies. At the same time, I did leave room for the possibility of him having a happy ending through means of reincarnation. In this week’s episode, we were given another possibility of how Lee Rang might achieve a happy ending for himself such as untangling the mess.

Well what is this mess? I’m so glad you asked! Below is a chart that I drew as a visual aid to help you all understand the mess that currently exists in the world of TOTNT. I must say the mess in TOTNT is almost as messy as the US elections right now! 

As you can see from my chart, the Imoogi has gotten Lee Yeon cornered in a sort of checkmate move. To win the Imoogi’s game, one must find a way to resolve the following two conflicts: 

1) Lee Rang’s deal with the CEO

2) Imoogi piece inside Ji Ah

In doing so, one will then be able to remove the Imoogi completely!

Lee Rang’s Deal w/ The CEO

I had mentioned in a previous post that another common theme in TOTNT is deals/contracts. In ep 10, Taluipa’s husband advised to Lee Rang that he should try to think of a way to get around his contract with the CEO aka find a loophole.

What does “Quid Pro Quo” mean? It means that an item or service has been traded in return for something of equal value. The CEO had saved Lee Rang’s life and in return Lee Rang must comply with returning the a favor of equal value when asked. The favor the CEO asked Lee Rang was to bring Lee Yeon which essentially is a favor of equal value (a life for a life). Remember that if you choose not to comply, the power of the contract will force you to complete the favor anyway. However like with any deal, there is always a loophole. This loophole exists in the definition of Quid Pro Quo...of equal value.

Let’s look back to that chart that I drew earlier. What is the most precious thing to the CEO and is basically considered his life? THE CHERRY TREE! Without this tree, the CEO cannot survive. The CEO knew Lee Rang was being swayed by his brother as well as Lee Rang having knowledge of what his greatest weakness was. So then the CEO took precautions to ensure his greatest weakness could never be used against him by having the cherry tree be wheeled away to a safer location.

In order to avoid bringing/killing Lee Yeon, Lee Rang must find something of equal value to give back to the CEO to repay his debt. And that something of equal value is that damn cherry tree! Go Go Lee Rang! Find that cherry tree, return it to the CEO, and afterwards when the contractual rings break....KILL THE CEO ! 

While this does ensure the death of the CEO and the end of the contract between the CEO and Lee Rang, it does not ensure Lee Rang will survive in the long term. Meaning, Lee Rang cannot survive without the cherry tree either unless there is another means of extending his life (maybe elixir of life?). I do wonder what the typical lifespan of a half fox is. Things are implied, but yet there is no definitive answer as exactly how long a half fox can live. It also raises another question, can a half fox live forever provided that it does not get fatally injured? 

Imoogi Piece Inside of Ji Ah

Now onto resolving the 2nd conflict which is how to remove the Imoogi piece inside of Ji Ah. Well I think it can go two ways:

1) Lee Yeon strikes up a deal with the Imoogi:

Lee Yeon will let the Imoogi take his body only if Imoogi would agree to removing the piece of himself that is inside Ji Ah. Now here’s the part where both Ji Ah and Lee Yeon could work together to stop the Imoogi once and for all. Remember that Lee Yeon is susceptible to the effects of evening primrose so when the Imoogi enters Lee Yeon’s body, it will also share the same vulnerability. Ji Ah could trap the Imoogi/Lee Yeon with evening primrose and then use her Shaman powers to remove the Imoogi. After all, one of the powers of a shaman is the ability to excise evil spirits!

2) Taluipa provides Lee Yeon with the elixir of life or turns him human

I will write out more of this theory later, but ngl guys I’m exhausted! Sorry!

Ji Ah = Supernatural Being=Shaman Goddess

In Ep 10, the writer is once again dropping clues like its freaking Christmas that Ji Ah is some sort of supernatural being. We got her female coworker asking if Ji Ah is even human. No she’s not human!! Then we saw how the Imoogi could read everyone else’s mind except for Ji Ah’s. Why? It’s the same reason why Lee Yeon couldn’t hypnotize Ji Ah. It’s because Ji Ah is a supernatural being (shaman goddess) that has hidden powers that makes her immune to powers of other supernatural creatures. 

If you don’t still get it by now, I’ll give you this example: Edward Cullen and Bella. If you remember from Twilight, Edward Cullen could read everyone else’s mind except for Bella’s. Why? Because Bella had that special shield power which was later revealed once she became a vampire. 

Therefore, just like Bella, I think Ji Ah has a bunch of special shaman powers that can be unlocked somehow. Don’t ask me how right now, my brain is struggling to write this sentence as we speak. 

Last Remarks

Okay peeps, I struggled hard to try and write this. I am literally exhausted after staying up super late and waking super early to watch the US election results all week as well as doing my school work. So now I want to relax and celebrate the win of my President Elected, Mr. Joe Biden! I may or not write a separate post on what I think will happen in Ep 11. So stay tune! 

P.S: If there are any other questions about TOTNT that I did not address, please feel free to leave a comment and I will do my best to try and provide you with an answer!

[bubblyani]

Deeper Relations: 04

(Freddie Jackson x Reader)

A Freddie Jackson Multi Chapter Series

Chapter 04: The Comfort

Summary: Being the youngest sister of Jackie and Maggie, you were quite young when Freddie Jackson went to prison. Upon his return, you cannot help but recall your innocent love you had for him back then. And surprised by your transformation into womanhood, Freddie cannot help but form a desire towards you. Will a dangerously seductive attraction grow between the two of you? What will be the consequences?

Requested by: @97freaknik​. Thank you for your detailed request 😘

Author’s Note: I’m taking my sweet time with the progression and it’s so worth it. Enjoy!

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

For a split second, you strongly wished you had never grown up. For a split second you envied Peter Pan’s concept. For you wondered if this was your punishment for growing up.

“So…what do have to say about that?”

With a menacingly desperate look flashing in his eyes, Freddie inquired.

On average, there would never be a problem for you to respond to any question posed to you. The quality of the answer may not be the best. But yet, you would answer. You would save your dignity. But at this very moment, you were simply speechless. Could it be that this was the most challenging question you’ve ever encountered in your life?

“Freddie…I…” You began, on a desperate attempt. Until you finally decided to let your heart speak up instead of your mind. “This is not funny…” you hissed with emotion. Freddie laughed. If a passerby had seen, they would mistake that laughter for something innocent. But you knew, he was merely masking his frustration.

“Funny?” He began, “Do you think I’m fucking JOKING?” He said, shaking you by the shoulders hard with aggression. The violent shaking, and the strong stench of alcohol, it made you dizzy. But more importantly, you were afraid. You were very afraid. For it was the first time you saw that side to him.

Could it be that your thoughts were somehow transferred to him through the medium of your expressive eyes, for within a few seconds, you saw the aggression slowly drain away from him, along with the shaking. With his hands still on you, he calmed himself down.

As if he was surprised by his own response.

“Oi! Freddie!”

Jimmy cried out from a few feet away, standing by the car. His voice was certainly a god-send at this very moment, and you had never been this thankful to see him there. So grateful, you finally felt a rush of blood to your brain. As he walked towards the both of you, Freddie quickly pulled away.

“Oh Jimmy! Thank God…”

You breathed, as he finally made it.Letting you go, Freddie suddenly lost his balance. But luckily, Jimmy caught him on time.

“I think… Freddie’s had wee bit too much…”

You said, feigning a chuckle as you attempted to sound normal, offering a valid excuse for him to corner you, “Could you please-” you gestured as you showed him your bag of books.

“Yeah! of course…Go on!” Jimmy replied.

Nodding away your gratefulness, you rushed out of there with incredible speed. You couldn’t run, not with the heavy bag of books on you. But you walked. You speed walked. And your breathing was at a whole other level. It was faster than it should be.

Walking away, your thoughts were busier than ever before. You tried your hardest to make sense of what on earth just happened to you.

Ever since Freddie Jackson got out of prison, it seemed that your life was not the same anymore. As if it was going through a dramatic change every time you met him. Sure, you do admit of your youthful obsession and love for him in your much younger days. Your innocent self longed for him to be yours. Truthfully, you really did love him with all your heart. But the difference was, in every moment you hoped for that, you had other hopes as well. You hoped you’d be older, you hoped he wasn’t married, you hoped for fate to be completely different. Your intentions were never immoral.

Thus, why should you accept his feelings now? Why should you be so insane? He should know better, you thought. As much as you were an adult, and clearly very in touch with your sexual desires, you felt horrid chills, just to hear him speak of his sexual desire for you. So raw, so explicit. You felt strange, you actually felt sick. You could not even appreciate whatever the good you could extract from this- NO! There was nothing good at all. It was wrong, all wrong, You told yourself. For goodness sakes, he was your sister’s husband, the father to your nieces.

How could he? How dare he?

You suddenly felt colder. Wrapping your jacket tightly, you kept walking. If only walking could help you get away from your problems so easily.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Mess, that was what you were. And you clearly knew it. You knew it the moment your concerned thoughts tampered with your sense of direction, forcing you to walk kilometers away from University, thus getting late to your favorite lecture. With your dramatic entrance into the lecture hall, you caused an interruption, and life clearly punished you for it with a horrible corner seat. You knew you were a mess when the usual theories the Professor lectured on seemed completely off and confusing, and the words in your textbook were simply untranslatable, causing you more trouble when you, one of the best students,  were suddenly posed with a question from the professor. Tongue-tied and evidently clueless of your surroundings, you appeared to look completely dumb in front of many, leaving your professor quite disappointed. But no one was more disappointed about all this than you. It was the worst.

You were a mess. It was certain. 

As the bell rang with intensity, you remained seated while the others swarmed off. Staring at the blackboard like a zombie, you were completely unaware of the many attempts your professor made to call you over with concern, and then finally gave up to walk away. You were oblivious to all. Taking your time, you reached out for your books, sweeping them into your bag without a care in the world while sliding off the chair.

Until your friend, Marcus stopped by.

“Y/N….” He said, “What was that?” He asked with genuine concern. Tired of hearing that, you merely answered him with a heavy sigh, for you did not know either. Truthfully the question made you feel worse. Aware of the situation, Marcus pressed his lips with guilt.

“I’m sorry…I’m just-” He began, leaning closer “Are you alright?” He asked softly.

“Yeah…” you answered quickly, looking down “I’m fine…I…”

Except you were not. You were just sick of lying. At that moment, you just did not have the energy to put up with a show. No pretense. Sighing even heavier, you slowly felt the tears welling up in your eyes. Shaking your head, you sniffed softly.

“….I’m not…Marcus”

You admitted, as the tears finally trickled down, “ I’m not…” you added, quite relieved when your friend pulled you into a comforting embrace without hesitation.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Alright…here you go…”

Marcus returned to the table, surprising you with two cups of steaming hot coffee. In an attempt to cheer you up, he brought you to the cafe nearby the university.

Taking a deep breath, you indulged on the aroma that tickled you in the nostrils.


“Marcus, you didn’t have to do this…” you said, looking at him, to which he shook his head.

“It is my money, so I get to decide what I do with it…” , he said decisively, as he sat across from you. His playful reply made you smile a little. Among him and Heath, Marcus was indeed the saner one. He was the kinder one. And he would always be the first to care for his friends.

“Thanks…”  you said, before taking a sip of the hot beverage. Marcus gazed at you with much thoughtfulness.

“What’s going on, Y/N?” He asked softly. Pressure came over you. Truthfully, you did not wish to bring up the horrid memory once more. But then again, you realized that you literally had no one else to share this with. Besides, you would be the one to encourage the venting in others. So why can’t you? And Marcus being the only trustworthy person in university was convincing enough. Taking deep breath, you began:

“It’s my family” you continued, holding on to the cup, “We have a… complicated set of people…and, currently it looks like we are dealing with some drama. Some very unexpected drama” you went on, attempting a chuckle, “I don’t want to get into the details…I hope you understand” you said, sipping more coffee before it turned cold. Marcus nodded frantically.

“No it’s fine…” he said, “I’m sorry about that…” his tone laced with tenderness. Silence took over for a few minutes while you both continued to drink.

“But was it so bad, though?”

Marcus could not help ask further, bringing the chair close he sat right next to you. And frankly, you did not mind.

“It’s just…” you paused, as you found the right words,  “I think it had gotten worse because of…me. I’m worried whether I did something to cause it….”

“Well…” rubbing his chin, Marcus continued,  “…try to ask yourself this: Did you ever do something within your conscience to hurt anyone?”

“No…” you answered so quickly, for it was the truth.

“Well…If you know it’s not your fault, then there’s no need to feel guilty about anything, right?” He asked, with a smile on his face. That smile, it calmed you, it reassured you.

“Yeah…yeah you’re right” you said, “Why should I?” You added with realization. “See?”

You both chuckled by the happy outcome. Exhaling deeply, you felt liberated. And less guilty. This was never your fault. You were never an enabler. You just need to let the strength take you through this difficult time. Motivation coarse through you.

“I do feel a lot better talking to you…” you said, “Sorry for the vent though…” to which Marcus dismissed it with squinted eyes.

“What for?” He asked, “ You always put up with me and Heath…” he said, to which you nodded in agreement, “Besides, it doesn’t feel right when you’re not smiling…” his voice grew softer with those words, “I miss that smile…”

As sweet as it was, you stifled a grin, raising your eyebrows, “Your flirting game needs a little brushing up there, mate”

“I wasn’t flirt-hah!” He cried when you shoved him slightly, causing the both of you to burst out laughing. With the laughter slowly dying down, you looked at the cup.

“Thank you…really!” You said shyly, eyes still glued to the cup, “I don’t know what I’ve would have done without you…”

“Well..it was my pleasure…”

Nervous, you felt nervous in the best way. Finally looking up, you found his eyes staring at yours. With rich brunette locks framing a freckled face that was fashioned with blue eyes, sharp nose and thin lips, Marcus was what you could call handsome in an English way. And being in such close proximity, you managed to see him in a whole different light. You felt safe, but he also made you feel something else entirely.

Leaning forward, he bravely took a chance placing his lips on your cheek. As touched as you were, you remain unmoved, for you welcomed it. In fact, you wanted much more. Resulting you to quickly press your lips against his own soon after he pulled back. Taking it in as a sign, you felt Marcus kiss you back in kind, cupping your face with his gentle hands.

——————————————————

Chapter 5 HERE

Tagged: @starlightmornings​​ @rogerfxckingtaylor​​​ @daydreamerinadazedworld​​​ @courtney-thevixeniris​​​

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[heckinhacker]

Shen x Young Kinkou Student!S/O - meeting and falling in love headcanons.

A/N: I got request for fluffy shen headcanons but wandered off of topic so I decided to make separate post from the ask so nothing will go to waste!

“Eye is blind for fear, hate, love - for everything, what can disturb balance.” - Shen was told that since he was born. His father was The Eye of Twilight and he had the honor to be his heir.

He’s very traditional and thinks he’s perfectly balanced, calm and without emotions, but let’s be honest - he’s still human, right? Human being cannot completly erase emotions, they’re needed for normal functioning!

After Akali left Kinkou, he started questioning himself and what he has done. What was everything for? Was he right?

He looked up meanwhile meditating at stars and sighed deeply. Everyone who he’s considering “being close with” distance themselves with time. Zed (Shen still thinks it was his own fault that Zed went away, not Zed’s. Took blame on himself, even though he felt betrayed when Zed killed his father.), Akali - who literally distanced herself after becoming The Fist of Shadow.

Shen just accepted that as the one and only truth - he should not try to get close to anyone. Find his own way, keep on balance in himself and two worlds.

He had really big responsibility on his shoulders, making sure our human world and spirit world would be in harmony. He worries that one gesture in one of worlds can strongly affect second and it haunts him, literally.

Shen often has nightmares, no matter how much he meditates. You cannot tell after looking at him, but he really has trouble sleeping.

You met Shen when that “Dangerous Spirit” appeared in your village, brutally murdering people without reasonal explanation. Mayor sent letter to Eye of Twilight so he can make sure evil spirit’s gone.

When he came over, he had took your interest. You only heard of ninjas, and it’s real one. For epic bonus, he’s going to help yours evil spirit’s problem!

Shen delt with it pretty fastly. He agreed on fact that it was - indeed - the evil spirit. No more victims!

Generally, it would be over, but you were hungry for adventure and very thankfull (and enchanted by this ninja). So you collected presents from other villagers, took horse and rode to Kinkou’s Temple by yourself.

Shen was indeed suprised when you just stood there with mount of gifts. Adressed for him. He just did his job, right? Why would he get reward for what has to be done?

He accepted them anyway, he knew the  etiquette after all.

He invited you inside to have a rest, drink some tea.

It was dark when you appeared, so Shen suggest that you should stay over night.

None of you knew that staying over night meant you staying in Kinkou for good.

It just…happened. You just wrote letter to your parents you found yourself in here and you’ll visit them often.

You weren’t the best ninja ever, but you tried. You wanted Shen to have someone who understood his rules and traditions. Who understood him.

Maybe because you cared that much about his well-being he put his guard down around you.

When he did that - you just pierced your hand through his chest and tore away his heart, keeping it in your hands.

What you did in reality?

“Thank you for letting me stay and get to know you, Shen, it’s an honour.” with that smile. That honest smile.

You spent a lot of time together, but you never actually saw his face.

The first time you got this honour was when you wanted to enter hot springs, but didn’t expect Shen to be there already - you were 100% sure everyone was asleep, but as you know from earlier headcanons - Shen doesn’t sleep too well.

You saw nothing more than his face. Shen didn’t overreact it, he just asked you casually if you wanted to join.

You were the one to freak out and run away.

You couldn’t sleep that night too, Shen’s face was haunting you - only because he was that handsome. Great way of thinking about your best friend and master, [y/n], gj.

Little did you know that Shen lost his professionalism towards you long time ago.

You never noticed any changes in his behaviour, but he did - mostly, when he was alone. He noticed thinking about you more than about important stuff, like his next travel to somewhere he’s needed, or his duties as Eye of Twilight. No, it was all about you. He felt like he dissapointed his father.

He had his trip planned to some other village in Ionia, one place much further than yours village. You heard that this task was dangerous, some of other ninjas said that Shen might not come back from this mission.

You didn’t ask for permission to go with him, you just said you’re going, all packed and ready. Shen said no - you didn’t listen.

Maybe you should’ve had, you were not an experienced ninja at all, so when - unluckily - you almost got lethaly harmed by one of enemy’s assassins, he moved quickly to you  to cover you with his body.

He took blade deep into his back, spitting blood at his mask.

Goddamn, panicking was out of option, Shen needed you right now.

You helped him get away from battlefield and took care of him by yourself at first, so he’ll survive till you can get him to real medic. You cursed how Shen did a stupid thing.

“Since when you’re so sentimental? You’re way more important than I am! I am just some rookie, and you’re THE Eye of Twilight! Think about others too, it is so not-you, Shen!” You scolded him after Medic’s check out. He was without  upper-clothing, making him face you brutally.

He couldn’t keep eye contact with you.

“I’m sorry.” he said.

“Shen, for God’s sake.” You took his cheeks into your palms, kissing him shortly, but sweetly. “I love you, you know?”

“I…” He started, his cheeks getting dark red. “I am afraid I return your feelings. It’s dangerous, [y/n], I have responsibilities, love is a great distractio-hmf-”

You discracted him with next kiss. This one was longer, but not deep. You decided to give Shen some time before you make him more of a “un-traditional” man.

[keyofjetwolf]

Elisabeth: Like You (reprise)

Essen alternate title: “Poor Little Rich Girl (reprise)” Zuka alternate title: “Wait Is Elisabeth In This?”

“Like You (reprise)” is another song cut from the Takarazuka version, and as with many of its cuts, I feel it’s to the detriment of the character work. But that character work is with Elisabeth, and as we’ve seen several times throughout these posts, Takarazuka Elisabeth is unfortunately relegated to a side player in her own story, so I can understand why this was considered unimportant to the overall tale it was looking to tell. Additionally, as the “reprise” part suggests, it’s a revisit of Elisabeth’s first song, showing us who she was as a child with her life still ahead of her and her dreams alive and vibrant. Unfortunately, the Takarazuka version softballs that one as well, having Elisabeth’s father basically chastise her throughout (albeit affectionately) for not acting like a princess. It’s hard to use a past moment to illustrate the tragedy of the present when it’s basically going be her father saying “See? Told you so.”

Things are considerably different on that front with the Essen version, though, and so as we ride headlong toward Rudolf’s imminent demise, we take a moment to touch base with Elisabeth and see how she’s doing!

Awesome, glad to hear it!

We open the song with Elisabeth standing alone in her garden in god knows fucking where, but I’d guess somewhere relatively close to the main palace, unless Rudolf booked it across Europe. She communes first with a statue, seeming lost in the silent marble beauty of it, then begins to speak with warmth and affection to no one.

Let’s start digging in right now, because once you get the sense of the whole thing, THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT. Particularly linked from the previous scene, our natural assumption is that this is Rudolf, running to his mother for help and comfort. And it will be, we’re not wrong to go there. But this ISN’T to Rudolf, it’s to Heinrich Heine (the German Jewish writer who you may recall being mentioned as revered by Elisabeth back in “Hate”). However much Rudolf’s convinced himself that he and Elisabeth are those kindred souls, she identifies more with a dead writer she never met than her own son, and is kinder to a ghost than the living (keep note, this’ll be particularly relevant in a few songs).

(As a side note, as I typed this, I realized it’s another way the Takarazuka cutting this song makes sense; it shows Elisabeth’s affinity for death as a concept, rather than Death as a singular embodiment, which is only the exact opposite of the Takarazuka’s entire mission statement.)

Excited, showing genuine emotion that isn’t anger, apathy, or defiance, Elisabeth asks Heinrich Heine to stay a while.

Which, among an assortment of things, strongly suggests that this isn’t the first time Elisabeth and Heinrich have had a chat. So is she crazy, then? Well if we take all this literally, she’s been singing and dancing with the embodiment of Death since she was like fourteen, SO MAYBE. But I think more, it’s just a part of herself she indulges like a fantasy. In these moments, she’s once again that child who wanted nothing more than the freedom to write poems and ride with the wind. Which brings us back around to the greatest tragedy for Elisabeth: she CAN do that shit. Fuck, she IS. She wandered Europe for over a goddamn decade, going wherever she wanted, seeing whoever she wanted, doing whatever she wanted. Here she is in her personal private house/mansion/palace, and she’s LITERALLY WRITING POETRY. She’s doing exactly what she said she always wanted to do, yet she can’t own it. She isn’t writing poetry, she’s simply taking dictation. But realizing this would mean giving in, it would be accepting that maybe her life isn’t actually all that bad, it would mean she’d have to yield just a touch. And that, as we’ll have reinforced in just a moment, is something Elisabeth can never and WILL never do.

This isn’t Heinrich Heine, though, and for a moment, Elisabeth looks afraid.

A second to say that PIa Douwes absolutely fucking KILLS in this scene. She pretty much does in all scenes, true, but this one is so dependent on sheer acting, and acting to someone who isn’t even there to boot, and she conveys so many emotions so well, it’s incredible.

So yeah, Elisabeth looks afraid for a second when she realizes she’s opened up, even just a tiny crack, to someone else. And it’s important to remember, the primary point of this scene is to prepare us for the next, to help us understand Elisabeth’s feelings before she’ll bring it all to bear on poor doomed Rudolf. She’s SO in control of herself, so bound and determined to never bend, that even the idea of expressing a genuine-even-if-twisted emotion TO THE WRONG GHOST causes to her to freeze in terror for a second.

It fades quickly enough when she recognizes the spirit is her father instead, and then we finally get what’s probably the truest Elisabeth we’ve seen since her wedding night. They begin to sing together, reprising their song from the beginning of the musical, and Elisabeth allows herself to be lost in it for a moment. But just a moment.

“I once wanted to be like you,” she says, literally waving away the entire idea. And what we get next is such an interesting way of calling Elisabeth to task. Of her calling HERSELF to task. At least if you’re with me on “this shit isn’t actually happening”. Otherwise, enjoy it as an adult woman and her dead father arguing like they were both fifty years younger (and also both alive).

For myself, much like with needing to filter her own creativity and joy through Heinrich Heine, Elisabeth can’t actually question herself and her choices. A question suggests uncertainty, a question is a weakness. Elisabeth has no room for that shit in her life, but that doesn’t just make doubts go away, and so she turns them into something she can argue against, in the guise of someone she loves and trusts, and who she most aspired to be.

If she holds firm against her father, the embodiment of her life’s hopes and dreams, she can stand firm against anyone. (SORRY ONCE AGAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE RUDOLF)

“Why are you speaking with the dead?” Dad rather reasonably asks.

“What should I talk about with the living?” Elisabeth counters. She’s not living, after all, and the only true understanding she’s gotten came from Death.

"You are cynical, you are bitter and alone.”

“They trained me to be an Empress!” Translation: This is what they wanted, so this is what they get! It really helps to bring out the sheer fucking SPITE of it all in Elisabeth, and how in turn that spite has only hurt herself.

"To lock yourself away, you cannot be free.” Or, as I’m reading it, “BITCH YOU’RE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF CAN YOU TAKE IT DOWN TO A TWELVE OR SOMETHING JESUS FUCK”.  He said, ghostily.

“I’m sick of everything,” Elisabeth says, in the closest thing I think we’ll ever have to her yielding a point.

It was a rough job, not posting every single last glorious facial expression, but I finally settled on this one, because how can you properly convey the look of pure unsullied SHOCK on her face at this. “You have to make an effort to be happy!” Dad says. “I’m sorry what the shit?” Elisabeth’s face replies. Are you suggesting that I -- a mere unencumbered empress of Austria-Hungary, globally welcomed and adored, with enough finances to live in luxury every hour of every day for my entire life -- must PUT IN EFFORT??? DADDY HOW COULD YOU

Elisabeth gets up now, putting distance between herself and the poems she totally didn’t write and this entirely galling suggestion that happiness could be right there if she’d just fucking reach for it. “Why lie to yourself?” she counters, still insisting on her own misery.

Dad then reminds her how she wasn’t even this accepting of her situation when she was a child and ACTUALLY had no control over anything. “Maybe,” she agrees, before adding, “because I knew nothing of people.”

NO WONDER DEATH IS THE ONLY ONE WHO’LL CHAT TO YOU ELISABETH YOU’RE A FUCKING DOWNER

She and her father sing a bit more of their song from the past, but it’s a short-lived spark of joy. “Now, it’s too late,” she says.

:”Adieu, Sisi,” he replies, echoing what he would say to her in parting as a child. But the tone of it is completely different, undeniably carrying the weight of a goodbye. Be it her father or her own thoughts, this is the last time they will try. Elisabeth’s mind is set, and she will not be moved.

"I will never be like you,” she announces to no one, not vowing, just deeply resigned.

JUST IN TIME FOR RUDOLF TO ENTER WOW GREAT TIMING AS ALWAYS BUDDY

[dragonshitlavellan]

Crestwood

Hey, this is a kind of flash forward/teaser/spoiler for the fic I’ve been playing with for the past couple weeks. I literally only have one chapter posted on AO3 and haven’t even written the second one, but I just wrote the infamous Crestwood scene and I’m so proud of it and have so few followers on this Tumblr that I thought I’d post it. I should probs wait but I’m just so happy with the result and haven’t written in literal years so I have to share it!

“The Veil is thin here. Can you feel it on your skin, tingling?” He asked as they walked, hand in hand.

They stopped and she rounded to stand in front of him. She knew this scene, she wouldn’t let it end the same way. It was time to come clean. She blinked up at him, unable to hide a slight frown before she looked up at him bashfully, hoping to have his care, his love, for her show itself fully in his brilliantly green aura. She felt it so powerfully there that she knew, he did not intend to end things here when he brought her. The realization stunned and hurt her. It must have shown in her own aura as confusion peeked out from behind his affection. He put a hand to her face and smiled the comforting smile he kept for her alone.

“I was trying to determine some way to show you what you mean to me.” He looked so young and hopeful as he removed his hand, leaving a tickling magic in its wake. She touched the spot fondly with her fingertips before lightly flicking her aura against his.

“I’m listening, and I can offer a few suggestions,” she teased. She smiled widely and looked suggestively at his mouth, before blatantly checking him out with an up and down glance. He laughed fully, always amused with her flagrant flirting and overtures. 

“I shall bear that in mind,” he chuckled with a large smile. He let it linger and dissipate naturally before becoming serious, lightly squeezing her Anchored hand. “For now, the best gift I can offer is...the truth. You are unique. In all of Thedas, I never expected to find someone who could draw my attention from the Fade. More important than I could have ever imagined.”

The earnest expressions of surprise and happiness that played across his face made her heart squeeze with her affection towards him and her aura pressed into his without her urging. His minty green coolness met her vibrant blue heat to create a perfect flash of aqua glow between them. A strange anxiety hissed through him suddenly and he drew back his aura quickly, attempting to hide from her.

“You know that you are ma vhenan, and you can tell me anything. Nothing you have to say could break that, Solas.” Cerys looked at him with all her love written across her face and aura, encouraging him. She wanted to pursue his aura, but knew it would only startle him, so she held her’s firmly where it was.

“Then what I must tell you....the truth…” he spoke haltingly, indecisively. It was so rare to see him with true indecision that she squeezed his hand encouragingly, smiling gently.

“Your face,” her brow scrunched in confusion and slight hurt. She had hoped he would offer her what was truly on his mind. “The history behind the kinds of mark you bear, the Vallaslin. In my journeys in the Fade, I have seen things. I have discovered what marks like yours mean.”

Her heart nearly stopped. He had found out before she could tell him that she was Sorrow. The blue tear tracks that ran from her green eyes. He knew she was Elvhen instead of merely an elf. There was no anger from him though, not truly. Just an old hurt, a pain of remembrance of those long ago days. Maybe he had not… Not truly and fully.

“What? What did you find?” she asked, hoping that her anxiety hadn’t been as obvious as his.

“They are slave markings, or at least the ones many Dalish wear are. Or at least they were in the time of Ancient Arlathan.”

She took a steadying breath. He hadn’t drawn the parallel. He may not have even seen any Sorrow bearing their markings proudly as she now did. It was not easy to get to know other Elvhen when you became flesh if they knew you were born of such a powerful, sometimes deeply disturbing spirit. Many worked to hide their marks or had them removed, if they could find a way. Sorrow were often strongly gifted with magic, but performing something so permanent and complex on one’s own face was dangerous. Finding another Elgar’len (Spirit Child) who was powerful and trustworthy enough to do it for you could often be difficult. Finding someone Ena'las'athe I’dun(born with body, born of flesh) who was willing to do such a thing was even more difficult and rare.

“They try to preserve their culture, and this is what they keep. Relics of a time when elf enslaved elf. Worse even, than Tevinter,” she sighed, letting her sadness leech into her tone and aura. Cerys lowered her head, letting her forehead rest against his strong chest. She felt her markings hum with her nature as a tear fell from each eye, following the tracks of her markings. 

Solas brought a hand up, petting her soft ginger hair with care. His aura flickered comfortingly against hers, matching the storking of his hand. He kissed the top of her head tenderly. Something in his chest tightened as he felt the soft buzzing of magic against his chest, coming from her face. He tried to dismiss it as it was not a feeling that belonged in this world, in this time, especially coming from her, the strange part elf, part human woman who had captured his attention and his heart so quickly upon their meeting.

“I didn’t tell you this to hurt you. If you like, I know a spell… I can remove the Vallaslin,” Solas offered. Cerys pressed into him, holding their still entwined hands between their bodies. The back of her hand pressed into his firm stomach while the back of his pressed into the softness of hers, reaching the muscle under the slight pooch of soft flesh. She held the moment, one of the last she would have with him like this, as the woman she had become, instead of the one she had been so long ago.

“Whatever the marks once were, the Dalish have reclaimed them, made them something that identifies and unites them as a people.” She couldn’t let him ignore this fact, even as she felt the flicker of confusion that went through him as she ignored his unspoken question.

“I know, and I admire that indomitable spirit, despite everything I have said about them,” he almost apologized to her. He was desperate to hear her answer. He knew her relationship with her Vallaslin, or markings as she called them, was different entirely, having not been raised in a Dalish clan. He wondered at the fact that she even had them as they were a rite of passage in the Clans. The only other reasoning for facial tattooing that he knew of in this time was slave markings and assassin house markings, which were hardly any better than slave markings. Cerys’ marks resembled no others that he knew of. Except perhaps once, long ago….

“I know how you feel about the Dalish, and slavery. But these markings are a part of me, a part that I have had so long, I do not know what I look like… who I am, without them. Would I still see my face in the water, or in a mirror, and recognize myself for who I have worked to become, or would I see a stranger looking back at me? I cannot answer that for myself, not yet.” She tilted her head up to look into his eyes, her chin now resting on his chest. His breath fanned over her face, drying the wetness on her cheeks. She could see the gears working in his mind, putting things together. He didn’t seem to believe it himself, denial flaring through him in ripples and waves. It was so rare to feel his aura move so obviously, almost erratically. An untamed, not yet rough, ocean compared to the usual crystal watered stillness. 

“I am sorry for causing you pain. It was selfish of me. I look at you and I see you for what you truly are… and you deserve better than what the cruel Vallaslin represent.” Solas could tell that she was struggling with something, but could not say for sure that it was all to do with the topic at hand. Her vibrant eyes stared into his. He knew Cerys trusted him, utterly and completely, no matter how little he deserved it after keeping so much of himself back from her. He knew that no matter what her answer was he would love her, she would be his vhenan. And he knew that he would betray that trust, in one way or another, should he continue down the path he had planned. The heartbreak of her love and his, combined with how he knew he had planned to betray her before he even knew he loved her washed through him suddenly. He knew his aura showed it as he saw grief pass through her blue flame. He trailed his hand down her long hair, to the small of her back and drew her body closer, squeezing her hand as their bodies dressed together around them.

“I’m not saying no forever, just for right now. I am who I am now, perhaps not because of them, but with them. I don’t know how to explain it, and I hope you can understand but…”

“Stop,” he leant down and pressed a kiss to her lips to halt any further explanation. His hand slid from hers to meet his other hand at her back. Her hands slid up his back, her arms under his, to rest on his shoulder blades, her arms laying against his back and sides. Their bodies were flush, one of his feet between hers, as close as they could get to one another with their current state of dress. “You are perfect exactly as you are.”

Their auras rushed back to each other, the combined minty aqua encompassing them both. She pushed onto her toes to meet his lips again and he pulled her closer still, nearly crushing her against him as he let one hand trail to cup her rear and pull her up his slightly bent leg, practically tying their bodies together. Her hands reached up to grasp his shoulders from behind and helped him pull her up and into his embrace as she nipped his lip and opened her mouth to receive him. He tilted his head and deepened the kiss, entering her mouth and teasing her tongue with his own. He felt her soft sigh enter him as her aura flamed with his. He felt warmer than he had in centuries, even with the cool spray of the nearby waterfall and the surrounding mist. Her love, happiness, and hope all burned around him, mingling with his own until he could not be bothered to parse the difference between their emotions. She did not even bother trying, instead chasing his lips as he drew back for breath, not allowing him to shatter the moment neither of them wished end. She moved her lips against his, rocking her hips slightly to try and get closer, though there was no way to. He groaned slightly at the movement and the desire it inflicted upon him and she hummed happily in her throat at him. She moved her Anchored hand to his face and cupped his cheek as she smiled and bumped her nose lightly into his. They finally drew back from one another, slightly, to look into the other’s eyes, breaths entwined.

Cerys felt Solas pull his aura back in fear as he pulled away from her bodily, his face smoothing into the mask he wore so often around others, around strangers. NO! Her mind and aura screamed at him, though he could only hear one. It hurt almost as much as the separation he was currently forcing, untying their limbs from each other even as he pressed a small kiss into the palm on his cheek that he barely registered he was doing. 

“And I am sorry. I distracted you from your duty. It will never happen again,” he apologized quickly, reluctantly, throwing the last sentence at her with such force and distance it felt like a physical blow.

“Solas,” she said his name like a prayer, pouring in the pain, confusion, and anger those words caused her. She stepped back into his personal space, keeping him in arm’s reach, even as he backed away.

“I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you,” emotions clogged his throat as he said it. He needed to get away before he threw himself right back into her arms. He would never be able to leave if she touched him again. He would be powerless to resist, unable to complete his plans, to betray her.

“Good thing I’m not going to let you,” she nearly sobbed. 

Cerys grabbed the chords of his stupid fucking wolf jaw necklace and pulled them together. His arms wrapped around her again, unbidden, and held her tightly as their lips met. He let out a cry of pain and ecstasy, heartbroken over his plans, but relieved to have her in his arms, where she belonged. Her fingernails scraped his scalp just slightly on the side of too rough as she cradled his head in one hand, the other still holding the chord wrapped around her wrist and his neck. The teeth of the necklace bit into her breast and forearm as they moved together to a boulder by the pool of water. His legs hit the rock and he fell to sit on it, graceless for once. She quickly had her knees on either side of his hips, taking a seat in his lap to keep their connection.

The chill of the night air as she broke their kiss, long moments later, brought Solas equal amounts of relief and sorrow.

“Now, it is time I was honest with you, Fen’Harel.”