parasite-core

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it’s eunuch Tucker’s adoptiversary and defacto birthday today <3

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“ooh garlic salt isn’t real” yeah well neither is your MARRIAGE after i’m done FUCKING YOUR HUSBAND and afterwards he eats my delicious cooking that i seasoned with GARLIC SALT. FUCK YOU

i think. you sent this to the wrong person. but im enamoured with your energy. you can have my metaphorical husband you deserve her

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I think I saw a post like this forever ago but I don't wanna go thru the effort of finding it so. Reblog and put in the tags a major spoiler for a story you like, but (and this is crucial) keep it incredibly vague and don't say or hint towards what the spoiler is for. I'm gonna go first

"they're siblings"

"he's old"

"he's smart"

"old man in the house"

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*getting into bed with my stuffed animal and curling up under my blankets very sleepy* just gonna lie here a bit

*falls asleep* wtf

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Person with boobs: I want to make my breasts bigger

Doctors: Okay then you can just go see a plastic surgeon and we won’t bother you anymore but don’t go too big or it could be hazardous to your health

Person with boobs: I want my breasts removed

Doctors: WOAH WOAH WOAH HOLY SHIT uh you have to go to a support group and then therapy for a year and then you have to get a letter from a therapist saying you aren’t crazy and then you have to consult with a surgeon and then MAYBE you can have that lol

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Didn't have "see your political action philosophy expressed by Jorts the cat" on my 2025 bingo card.

All cats are anarchists.

Probably like 80% of cat owners are also anarchists.

Fill every drawer in the U.S. Treasury with glitter and a note that says Go to Hell.

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Tim, frustrated because he can’t find something important: I don’t know how I keep losing all my stuff

Jason: ikr, first your spleen, now this

Tim: okay I didn’t lose my spleen I know exactly where it is. Ra’s has it.

Dick: has… as in… present tense?

Tim: yeah he keeps it in a jar.

Jason: oh. That’s what that was.

Dick: WHY ARE YOU BOTH SO CALM ABOUT THIS?

Tim: it’s not like they can put it back. So… like he can keep it cause it’s not like I can use it.

Dick, completely baffled and horrified: *unidentifiable noises of concern*

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legit the best advice i can give you: feed your friends

any time someone is in any kind of crisis or upheaval, offer to feed them. tell them they don’t have to choose what it is if they can’t make decisions, just ask about allergies and preferences and tell them you’re just gonna make food happen at their house.

friend having a baby? delivery gift certificate to order food to the hospital after the kid shows up.

someone’s relative passes away? offer to make them dinner.

buddy gets laid off? ask if you can order them lunch.

pal stuck in a depressive episode? offer to drive them to fucking mcdonalds, if that’s what they want.

people in crisis are tired and sad and angry and the last thing most of them are doing is thinking about feeding themselves. so if you have the ability or time or money, providing that is always, always a good move.

legit i do this all the time, and it is 100% always appreciated. i have taught all my friends that when something happens, we feed each other. it makes people feel extremely cared for, and I cannot recommend it enough.

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Executive chef at a top Thai restaurant tells Gordon Ramsay that his Pad Thai is trash [x]

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kissa you.....

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not wanting to be outdone by the benders in the gang, sokka invents the flamethrower, the supersoaker, the leaf blower, and the concept of throwing rocks at people