#i dont date because im full of hatred not because im insecure abt my looks or some shit
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God this sucks man. Watching your mental stability just slip away. I get glimpses of what I used to have then its gone.
And the worst part is that I can’t communicate it. And if I could idk if I would absorb any advice given.
#shut up ray#sometimes i go ‘maybe its just cos its winter and winter is dark and cold and stressful’#then i remember the repeated breakdowns i had in the spring and summer#then i think ‘maybe i should start taking meds again’ then i remember AGAIN those exact breakdowns i was having while MEDICATED#and go ‘ah..’#i saw my friend on monday#and she gave me this long pep talk abt shit#i didnt have the heart to tell her she was making shit up abt me just so she could tell me its not a problem#im not insecure i have severe mental problems#i have a chronic illness that is tied to those problems in a big tangled up fucking web#and i constantly feel like im doing a balancing act w/ 50 fucking spinning plates#and sometimes i will just have these undignified meltdowns#and when im not doing that im thinking horrible things abt ppl who care abt me#im not your helpless little introvert friend#im fucking broken and getting worse w/ each pssing year#i dont date because im full of hatred not because im insecure abt my looks or some shit#and as w/ every Christmas im gonna fucking sulk in my room cos i just cant handle this shit#when did this time of yr become such a horror show#i used to feel joy abt things#like joy that lasted longer than a few seconds#now its just all anger and bitterness and hatred and just this#giant black hole where my heart used to be#im not gonna make it to middle age… im gonna go out the same way my step-dad did#full of so much fucking hatred my heart explodes and im just alone because I pushed everyone away
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