#when you taught me the opposite all my life by making my decisions for me

[reblive]

An except from Eric’s journal that i’ve thought about often as of lately. I have no place to put my thought so I will speak on here. No intent for discourse, I just have no outlet to speak on this matter. If this is not the space for you, just don’t read it. I don’t really care to hear anything.

“Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go to school, to get used to studying and learning how youre "supposed to" so that drains or filters out a little bit of human nature. but thats after your parents taught you whats right and wrong even though you may think differently, you still must to have more of your human nature blown out of your ass. society trys to make everyone act the same by burying all human nature and instincts. Thats what school, laws, jobs, and parents do If they realize it or not and them, the few who stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or lunatics or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange, weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading.. if humans were let to live how we would naturaly it would be chaos and anarchy and the human race wouldnt probably last that long, but hey guess what, thats how its supposed to be!!!!! society and goverments are only created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of pure human nature. take away all your laws and morals and just see what you can do. if the goverment was one entity it would be thinking "hey, lets make some order here and calm these crazy fucks down so we can be constructive and fight other goverments in our own little so called self created "civilizied world" and get rid of all those damn insticts everyone has" well shit I'm to tired wright anymor tonight, so until next time, fuck you all”

In some way in pains me to see the way he felt about the world and the wrong doings of those around him. If you take a second to sit and read what he’s saying it’s like part of his authenticity comes out and then transitions back to switching to speak to the audience and how he wanted to be seen. I can’t always articulate in words the feelings I get when I think about him but it’s genuinely always painful. He was so hurt, and described his pain, but still shadowed his true feelings of distress for the audience. He cared about what other people thought about him even in his writings, and it’s so disheartening that he was that broken and plague by the environment he was in. I take time to consider how people cannot feel empathy for him and I understand it due to the situation at hand (obviously) however, considering how he was 17 years old writing this, he was just a kid. He was once how we all once were, innocent and compelled to continue on the paths of our lives the way that the nature of society intended us to. It really goes to show how fucked up he had it. This draws me back to the butterfly effect, was there one decision by himself, or inflicted upon him by others that brought him to where he ended his life? Empathy is a theme he seems to disregard in his journal entries, and quite frankly, all of media and the world deems him as un empathetic because of his writings. We didn’t know how he thought of himself in his head, we didn’t know the guilt, destruction, and true pain he went through that was genuine. I find this a reason why there is much more weight put onto him within his person. “It’s only a tragedy if you think it is, and then it’s only a tragedy in your own mind.” (7/29/98) I suppose this is how we all (who empathize with E&D) feel and can relate to.

Thinking too much about his pain these days and what he once was and how he became what he was. Being truthful and honest are two different things. Being truthful, factual, what he did was terrible. Being honest, feelings, I have so much pain in my heart for how he was feeling. There’s nothing anyone can do now (whom empathize)

[the-blind-assassin-12]

Aphelion - 11

Pairing: Oberyn Martell x Female Reader, Oberyn Martell x Ellaria Sand

*Please be sure to consider all chapter warnings before reading! Warnings will be updated for each chapter in individual posts as well as on the Masterlist.

Warnings: language, discussion of the past, mentions of violence, blood and death, mention of self-harm, NSFW, vampirism, biting

Word Count: 16,754

Summary: Oberyn has already told you that it's been 400 years since he last used his mark of protection on someone that he cared about, but when you learn why he stopped using it - and how that decision has shaped his life since then - it sheds new light on what it means that he used it on you. And so does what happens after he shares this with you.

The plan for dealing with the Lannisters is in place, and preparations continue throughout the week - until Toban and Tyene surprise you with something unexpected but extremely welcome.

A/N: HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM @something-tofightfor & I! We hope that your spooky season is full of fun, treats, and just the right amount of scares. We also hope that you all enjoy this mega-packed chapter! This story continues to be so much fun for us to work on, and we're both really excited about this update and what's still to come. Thank you from the bottoms of our hearts to everyone who has interacted with this story - your comments and reactions make us very happy ghouls.

Also, if you have questions about details or plot points or the way that Westerosi history/world fits into the “real” world- please ask! We don’t want to confuse anyone.

Catch up with the Aphelion masterlist here!

(banner by @valkblue )

It took him more than a few seconds to gather his thoughts, but Oberyn’s hold on you never wavered. You stared out and over the city, the lights glittering in the distance, and you let yourself think again about everything that had happened in the previous hours. No, not just hours … days. 

But unlike Oberyn, you didn’t think silently. 

“I’m not sure if you know this, but …” Closing your eyes, you took a long breath. “If it wasn’t for Golden Lion and my job, I’d probably be in some shitty little apartment in the Midwest right now.” He hummed in response but didn’t speak, one of his hands moving slowly back and forth over your stomach. “I knew what I wanted to do with my life when I was a teenager, but I never really thought that I’d get hired by a company like theirs right out of college.” 

“They did something right, at least.” You snorted at his words, his irritation barely masked by amusement. “Was Golden Lion the first place you’ve worked?” 

“It was my first full time adult job, yeah. I did an internship with them my senior year of college and I guess they were impressed, but …” You shrugged. “They had more than 100 candidates apply for three open positions so I figured I’d get a “thanks but no thanks” letter after a few weeks and started applying to museums and historical programs in places like Michigan and Illinois and Ohio. But instead … I got a job offer with a relocation assistance stipend.” 

It had been one of the best days of your life, and even though you’d learned that Golden Lion - and the Lannisters especially - weren’t the people you’d thought they were, your time at the company had been worthwhile. It taught me so much and it brought me here. 

“They do have a knack for recruiting people with talent.” He sighed, lowering his lips to your shoulder again. “It is an annoying thing that has been true since … well, since the beginning.” 

You felt him smiling and you did, too, still staring out into the darkness. “I had a choice between working in New York, London, one of the Westeros office locations, or here.”

“And you chose California.” He kissed the side of your neck, breathing the next words into your ear. “The City of Angels.” You rolled your eyes every time Los Angeles was referred to that way, but when Oberyn said it, it had the opposite effect on you. I am a walking cliche when it comes to him. 

“I did. Westeros was tempting, just because of everything it would have allowed me to see, but I decided it was too far away for something that I didn’t know if I’d get to do for long. In London I would have been in a really small office and that wasn’t appealing. New York was …” You wrinkled your nose, even though he couldn’t see it. Never New York. “But California? I figured that even if the job didn’t work out, I’d have the beach. And then I met Nora and her friends and it turned out I really liked what I did for work - and most of my coworkers.” You spun to face him, finding that you were blinking back tears. 

You knew it was selfish - that after everything the Lannisters had done to the Martells and to the people Oberyn loved, you had no right to be so upset over something as trivial as your job. But it was important to me. It was a huge part of my life. Everything I worked for. 

“And I think that’s what the worst part of this is. Even though there were always ulterior motives to what they had me doing, it was … I liked it. I liked working for Golden Lion. I learned so much. I met so many people and worked on so many great projects, and …” You glanced up, lips pressed together. “And then I met you, and I realized that I knew so damn much, but I really knew nothing, even after all this time.” 

“Meeting me was the worst part?” He was teasing you, but when you met his eyes you saw concern in them, Oberyn barely concealing a frown as he watched you. “I don’t think that anyone has ever been so bold as to -” That made you laugh, both of your hands coming up to cover your face and wipe some of the tears away. 

“Yes, Oberyn. The worst. I meet an unreasonably hot man that just so happens to be the literal embodiment of every fantasy I’ve ever had in my entire life at a bar. Then two weeks later I’m standing with him on the balcony of a penthouse apartment so fucking nice that I have no business being anywhere near it. Oh, and I’m also wearing a mark of protection from him on my neck that means that he chose me, and -” 

Oberyn moved before you’d even registered it, gathering you in his arms and holding you tight against his chest, face turned down so that he could kiss the top of your head. “I do see how that might be terrible.” Inhaling deeply, you let yourself cry for a few seconds, Oberyn’s arms locked in place. “But you need to look at me.” 

You did, pulling back enough so that you could meet his gaze. The playfulness was still there, but Oberyn’s mood had shifted again, the man mostly serious. “What?” 

“You can’t blame yourself for not knowing the truth. Not many people do. Even those that are like me aren’t … they do not all come from Westeros, or have the same vendettas that we do. And even I have to admit, the things that the Lannisters have done to remain relevant throughout the years … it is impressive. It is even more impressive because like I said, they attract talented people, which means their relevancy lasts.” 

“Yeah, but it’s just … a cover. They used people like me to try and find you, Oberyn. You and your family, and -”

“But think about it.” He loosened his grip on you, taking a half step back and urging you to back up and against the low railing. “How much did you learn? How much did you archive? How much will the records you created teach others? Yes, the end goal was for Lannister benefit, but overall, you’ve done more good for Westeros than you know.” He reached up, fingers curling against your neck so that he could press his thumb to the mark he’d put there. It sent a tingle of heat through you, your lips parting and feet shuffling toward him, both hands rising so that you could grip his shirt. “You know now. And if… when this goes according to plan, I’m sure Tyrion will have no problem getting you back to your position, if that’s what you want. This plan will make him mortal, but getting rid of the rest of the Lannisters puts him at the head of the company by name and lineage, and I do not think that he will mind doing a small favor for me.” 

You hadn’t even thought of that - of the possibility that after everything was done, you could go back. But I’ll need to work. I don’t have thousands of years worth of finances saved somewhere, and I can’t pay my rent here without a job. “We’ll see. We need to get through the next …. When is the wedding again?” 

“The engagement party is next weekend. The wedding follows soon after. They are apparently following the Westerosi custom of the party being used as a lead-in to the main event, but that works in our favor.” 

“Yeah, there’s so much going on no one can have eyes everywhere.” You sighed, closing your eyes. “Thank you for talking me down, Oberyn. I’m sorry I -”

“You never need to apologize to me.” He said your name, the man’s thumb and forefinger tilting your chin up so that you could see his wink. “For anything. I understand what you are going through, and I understand how much your life has changed.” Flattening your hands against his belly, you nodded and then took a deep breath. 

“If you say so. But I need to stop getting sidetracked. We have a lot to talk about and -” You were interrupted by the rumble of your stomach, Oberyn’s eyes immediately dropping at the sound. Shit. Of course he can hear that, he -

“When was the last time you ate?” He tweaked your chin, his smile widening. “It sounds like it’s been a while.” 

“I had some fruit while we talked to Tyrion, but it’s been … hours? Lunch, maybe? I don’t…remember.” You trailed off, frowning. Since the night of the Halloween party, your dining habits had been less than regular. The fact that no one in your company  ate at typical times wasn’t helping, either. “I should have something, though. Or else I won’t be able to sleep tonight.” 

“Stay here.” He nodded twice. “I’ll get you something and then… I’ll tell you about Cameron and Toban.” 

He disappeared back into the apartment, the door closing softly behind him. Once he was gone, you turned back to the railing, gripping it with both hands. You’d wasted time complaining about your job, but not too much, and you knew that even though it was late, there were still hours before sunrise. And he’ll want to stay out here as long as possible. 

Your head swirled with bits of information - what you knew about the Lannisters and the Martells, what you knew about Oberyn and Ellaria’s bond, the vow that Oberyn had made to himself the moment he’d been turned and learned what happened when someone turned others. And you knew that no matter how much time you had to understand it, it would never be enough. Unless that eternity that Toban mentioned is possible. That might be … 

Swiping one hand over your face, you hung your head, opening your eyes so that you could watch the cars on the street far below you. Tyene had offered to change you if you wanted it. Toban’s willingness to step in when necessary had already been tested, but you had a feeling that if he attempted the same thing a second time, even Ellaria’s interference wouldn’t protect him from Oberyn. But I don’t want either of those options. If it’s not Oberyn… it’s no one. 

Linking your fingers together, you stared out and over the city, weight resting on your forearms. Four hundred years is a long time, even for him. And it sounds like Cameron was incredibly important to him but he still wouldn’t … he didn’t even use his mark, he … “It’s late, so I figured you didn’t want anything heavy.” 

Turning at the sound of his voice, you watched as he held up a plate with one hand, a bottle of water held in his curled fingers and a stainless steel bottle tucked under his other arm. “A sandwich? Did you make this? Or was it -”

“I might have been a prince in a past life, and not need to eat in this one, but I know my way around a kitchen.” He grinned as he set everything down on the small table before unfolding the blanket laying atop the outdoor couch. “Come here.” 

You did, stepping in front of him - and when Oberyn draped the material over your shoulders, he used the ends of the blanket to pull you closer, ducking his head down to press a kiss to your lips. That kiss was longer than the last one on the rooftop, but he still broke it much too quickly, stepping back and gesturing for you to sit. “Thank you for … dinner? A midnight snack? Whatever this is, I’m going to inhale it.” 

“Good.” He sat next to you, rolling the container he held between both of his hands. “I hope it is alright with you if I … also eat.” Your eyes flicked from the sandwich in your hand to the bottle in his, both brows shooting up in understanding. Blood. There’s blood in there, and he didn’t want me to see it while he drank. 

“Of course. Eat.” You took a bite, chewing to give yourself a few extra seconds before speaking again. “Oberyn, you don’t have to worry about that with me. I understand what … you are, and what you need.” Elbowing him, you turned your head to look at the man. “And I’ve already seen you at your worst with Clegane, right? So it -”

“That wasn’t anywhere near my worst.” Flipping the straw up on his bottle, Oberyn sipped from it, staring straight ahead. “But yes, you have briefly seen the worst parts of me.” Your stomach dropped at his words, but part of you wasn’t surprised. He’s been alive for 2,000 years, and he thinks… Oh, Oberyn. “I know that you are expecting to hear about Cameron. But to tell you about Cameron, I need to go back much further.” He sipped again, eyes closing as he swallowed. “To Isabel. To before Isabel. I need to tell you why I stopped offering my protection to the humans I cared for.” 

His voice changed as he spoke the woman’s name, and it only took moments for you to figure out who she was. But instead of interrupting, you continued to eat your sandwich, scooting marginally closer to him while you chewed. It took a few seconds, but Oberyn laid an arm over your shoulders, his fingers closing around the far one and squeezing. I’m listening, Oberyn. 

“When Ellaria turned me, I knew that I wouldn’t get my revenge right away. I knew that it could take time, but I never thought … I never thought thousands of years would pass.” He paused, head shaking from side to side slowly. “The longer I waited, the more I needed to do to fill my days. By the time I was given the sunlight again, Ellaria and I were far from Westeros. My immediate relatives were long gone, and there was no sign of the right Lannisters. She took me to Greece and within a year I… we met someone.” 

You weren’t surprised - Oberyn’s magnetism had been well documented in all of the ancient texts that you’d seen, and you imagined that given the opportunity to meet new people in new places, it hadn’t been any different. 

“But it was short lived, because… I wasn’t careful enough. Her association with Ellaria and I put a target on her head, and she was … she was killed because of it. She was killed and we had to leave, and it was only then that Ellaria explained the process of marking someone for safety.”

“Oh, Oberyn.” Wincing, you reached over and squeezed his knee. “I’m so sorry.” He lost someone else, almost right away. I can’t… 

“I was too. And from there …” He laughed, but the sound was sad. “From there, I admit that I treated offering my mark in the same way I lived as a man - in excess. Even Ellaria questioned me at times, but it was the way I coped. I could not have the revenge I wanted, and losing more people that I cared about was not an option. So for a few hundred years, I … marked my partners. I kept them close without thinking twice, but I never hesitated to step away from them when it became clear that Cersei and Tywin and the fucking Mountain were back, or when they demanded too much of me.” 

“Oberyn, I …” You didn’t know what else to say - especially since up until that conversation, you’d assumed he’d always been selective about who he offered protection to. But I was wrong. 

“Many of them asked to become like me, and I denied all of them - most of them without explanation.” He took another drink, pausing before he set the bottle down on the table. “Losing them of natural causes became almost routine for me. Eight. Ten. Twelve. It was not easy to say goodbye, but I was not heartbroken in the same way I was when the first was taken. Finally, Ellaria pulled me aside, and she let me know what she thought.” 

“What did she think?” Curling your legs beneath you, you leaned against Oberyn’s side. “It doesn’t seem like she would have said anything unless she felt strongly about it.”

“You are correct.” Glancing up, you saw that he was smiling - that expression a fonder one. “She told me that the mark was meant to be a symbol of honor, and an indication that the person who wore it was special. She said she’d never try to tell me how to live my second life, but that unless I used that ability with some discretion, it was … meaningless. That in our community, the mark had come to symbolize intent, and I was treating it like giving someone a worthless trinket. I hadn’t ever thought of it that way.” 

“Were you two together all that time? I know that Makers don’t always stay with their Children, but you and Ellaria are … different.” 

“No. She stayed with me for a long time, but once she was certain I would be alright on my own, we separated. We’d see each other … well, to us, it was frequently, but to you, it probably isn’t.” He started moving his hand up and down on your arm, Oberyn shifting so that you could move even closer. “She made a special trip to tell me what she thought about me using my mark, though. And afterward … I slowed down. I slowed down and I realized that there was no point in protecting people in that way. It  was only for my benefit. It didn’t offer them anything in the end.”

Unconsciously, you reached up, touching the space on your neck that bore his sigil. Something changed again. Ellaria and Tyene and Toban’s reactions were real. This isn’t just a mark, it’s… more. 

“It’s not possible for me to be emotionless; I’m sure you know that. But I … stopped letting myself get so attached. I stopped settling in places long term. I kept moving. I focused on my eventual revenge instead of on immediate pleasure, and instead of one or two people a century wearing my mark and knowing what I was, more and more time passed between each one. I kept my own secret, and didn’t linger long enough for people to start asking questions.” 

“You must have been lonely.” Swallowing hard, you closed your eyes. “Even with Ellaria and the Others that you came into contact with, it must have been so hard.” 

“It was. But it got easier each year. The difficult part came when the questions about me making a Child started coming, and I had to explain my reasoning for not turning anyone.” 

“That’s nobody’s business, though.” You rolled your eyes. “It’s like people questioning why someone like me isn’t trying to have a baby, or hinting that time is running out, or making the assumption that you can’t be happy unless you’re a parent. That’s a personal choice, Oberyn, and even though I’m kind of relieved to know it isn’t just humans who think that’s their business, it’s still awful of them to question you like that.” 

“The thing is, that my reason for not turning anyone is … hypothetical. Yes, most of us pass our strongest traits on when we change someone, but it isn’t set in stone that it happens.” He removed his arm from around you and then leaned forward, picking up the thermos  again and taking a long pull from it. You caught a whiff of copper, biting your lip at the scent, but before you could say anything, he continued. “Even Ellaria started to hint that there would be nothing wrong with me changing someone and potentially passing something along, but she never pushed. And after those conversations - after seeing her and Toban and meeting others like us and their first Children, I began to see the appeal… and I started using my mark again. Sparingly, but … just in case. Just to let everyone know that someone was off limits.” 

“But you never acted.” He flipped the straw down and let the bottle go, leaning back. “Even though you were close.” 

“I was.” He sighed. “Sort of.” Without warning, Oberyn pulled you onto his lap, strong arms holding you against his chest though you were still wrapped in the blanket. “I met Isabel while I waited for Ellaria to arrive for a visit, and there was … something about her. A connection between us that was immediate. I fell for her and offered her my protection. She accepted, and asked if … if it was possible that we could be together forever.” 

“You considered it.” You looked up at him, watching as Oberyn nodded slowly. “Because if Ellaria thought you were going to choose between Tyene and Isabel, you must have been much closer than before.” 

“I was.” He met your gaze then, the line between his brows deep as he frowned. “But I made the mistake of telling her that it was in fact a possibility, and she … assumed.” Oh, no. “And with that assumption, our relationship changed. I loved her. The idea of … forever with her was not unappealing, but …” 

“She thought a maybe was a definitely.” He nodded again and then winced when he looked away, like he was remembering actually living the experience. “Did she know about your past? About the Lannisters and your family?” 

“She did. And at first, she told me that she understood my need for vengeance, even though she hadn’t ever seen or heard of the Lannisters before me. But as more time passed, I think … it became clear to her just how focused on that goal I was. I spent as much time with her as I could, but I was also with Ellaria and Tyene, making plans. It had been a long time since Cersei and Tywin had shown their faces so we thought it was probably coming. And when I reminded Isabel that there was a chance that I would turn her and our time together would be short because I did what needed to be done and did not survive, she …” 

He lifted a hand a rubbed slowly at his jaw, still staring out at the city. You’d thought that Oberyn’s reasons for not turning the woman had been simple, but the previous few minutes had proven otherwise. And I think it’s going to get worse. 

“She did not take it well. She said that Ellaria encouraging my revenge quest for over a thousand years was not a good idea. She said that if I kept it up, I would only do more harm to myself and the people I cared about. She said that once I turned her, I would understand that there was more to my life than the need to remove the Lannisters from the world. And that was … the last thing I needed to hear. Especially since Ellaria had been the one encouraging me to make an offer to Isabel in the first place.” 

“I’ve said a lot of stupid things in my life, Oberyn, but none of them have been as stupid as telling you Ellaria was a bad influence on you.” He smiled at that but it was still sad, his hold on you tightening. “That wouldn’t have been a good start to Isabel’s new life.”

“No. And as much as I loved her, Ellaria’s presence was … is… always going to factor into my decisions. I will never compromise on that, no matter how many years I walk this Earth, or who I choose to have beside me.” And you shouldn’t have to. Ellaria isn’t just your Maker. She’s … everything to you. “Isabel didn’t take that well, and she definitely didn’t take me telling her that I’d chosen not to turn her because of her feelings about Ellaria well, either.” 

He stopped speaking, and you watched the emotions pass across his features, his face more expressive than you’d ever seen it before. He tightened his jaw and then loosened it before finally looking down at you with another frown on his face that sent a shallow ache through your chest. “Are you -”

“Give me a second. This is not easy for me.” He closed his eyes and then turned toward you, kissing you on the forehead and lingering there. “I left her and went back to Ellaria and Tyene full time. I refused to turn Tyene because that girl deserved better than to be someone’s second choice, and Ellaria was far more equipped to handle her transformation than I was.” He spoke without pulling back, his lips brushing over your skin with each word. “But curiosity got the better of me, and after a little while, I went back to check in on Isabel, and she …” 

You felt it before you saw it - the warmth of Oberyn’s tears falling against your skin. Without thinking twice, you slipped an arm around his back and the other under his shoulder, turning your head so that you could press your cheek to his chest. Whatever he’s going to say next is going to be awful. 

“She cut my mark from her skin.”

You closed your eyes as the ache in your heart deepened. Without realizing it, you tightened your hold on him, fingers digging into his skin. You were expecting it to be bad given the way he was struggling to get through this part of the story. But that’s horrible. I can’t even imagine… 

Your thoughts trailed off as he continued. “She said if I wouldn’t choose her, she didn’t want the safety my mark brought her. Since she could not see it, she… What she did to herself, it… her arm was … mutilated. The wound … it … it became infected, and the infection spread. She refused to let me do anything about it.” He paused again, and when he spoke, you heard the tremble in his voice. “She was too weak to get out of bed, but she was strong enough to tell me that all she’d done was make sure that I didn’t have to wait around for years to watch her die of old age since I wouldn’t give her a forever.” 

“Oh, Oberyn.” Your blood ran cold at his words, and you knew that he’d heard your sharp intake of breath. “That’s… how could someone do that to you?” You knew that he’d loved the woman, but you thought she’d been selfish - especially when it came to Ellaria. And if she knew what avenging his family meant, she just tried to manipulate him. And that’s even worse. 

“I don’t know. But she did die, and despite what she’d done, it … hurt to lose her. Before you, she was the last person I placed under my protection.” He sniffed, saying your name. “For four hundred years, there hasn’t been anyone else I have wanted to protect. Not even Cameron. Not even when I knew his life was in danger. Because the memory of Isabel - and what she believed that mark would eventually mean was so strong.” 

He used one hand to ease your head away from his chest, tilting it to the side so that he could stare at the skin of your throat, leaving you to wonder at his thoughts. Do you regret it? Do you wish you’d asked? Do you wish you’d waited?

“Our marks of protection are all slightly different, but they all require …” He smiled briefly, raising his thumb so that the ring caught some of the light. “The right components.” You’d wanted to ask about the process but didn’t know how - especially since you didn’t have a clue where to start, so you were glad that he brought it up on his own. “It can be made from any metal, but most of us that are … ancient choose gold. It is melted down by an elder, and then some of our blood is added to the molten liquid. Even a few drops are powerful, which is why when I bit you, I pressed the sigil to your skin. I healed the space around it with my tongue, but… the metal itself healed that area… and since the metal bears the spear of House Martell… it remains on your skin, a visible reminder of just how important you are to me.” 

“I wish it was visible for me, especially after seeing Ellaria, Tyene and Toban’s reactions to it.” The words slipped out - and at the realization of their implication, you sat straight up, eyes wide. Oh, no. I didn’t mean to… Especially after what we just talked about. Now he’s going to think - 

“I wish you could see it too. But for right now … you can feel it.” He reached for you again, fingers trailing over your skin and sending heat throughout your body. And when he positioned his hand the same way he had the night he’d marked you, you gasped at the surge of warmth, the corners of his mouth lifting briefly as he gauged your reaction. “I’d almost forgotten what it feels like.” He leaned closer, curling his fingers slightly. “This is a good reminder.��� Of what? 

There were plenty of ways to interpret his words, but you chose to take them at face value - that he was simply happy to be around someone that understood the significance of what he’d given them - and didn’t try to take things a step further or ask for clarification. Even though I want to, and he has to know it by now. “I’m glad something good came out of this mess.” Letting the blanket drop, you pulled one hand free, raking your fingers through his hair. “Even something small.” 

“It is not small, believe me.” He let go of your throat, his hand dropping to your shoulder and squeezing. “But I still have not told you about Cameron, and that’s what I promised to do.” 

“We don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow. I can sleep in.” He smiled at that, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “But yes. Tell me about him, please. And maybe something about Toban, too. Because -” 

“Toban means well. He always has. And while I wouldn’t call it jealousy, because it’s clear he would do anything for her, the connection that Ellaria has with him has … started to bother me more as the years pass.” He rolled his eyes. “Our gifts are another thing that isn’t guaranteed, but depending on your lineage, they’re more or less likely. With Ellaria, they are very likely, since she’s one of the first.” 

You’d assumed that to be the case about her age, but with the confirmation, you realized just how special your circumstances  were - and how lucky Oberyn was. Because she barely saved him. And so anyone younger might not have. 

“Ellaria can see the past via touch. Toban’s ability is to read situations and circumstances like no one I have ever met before. Tyene … well, she is able to convince anyone to do just about anything, and doesn’t hesitate to tell you what she thinks about it.” 

You grinned at the admission, lifting a brow. “I’m not surprised by that, especially after the way she greeted me for the first time.” 

He smiled, too, the man nodding. “Her treatment of you is how I knew she accepted you, but I was surprised that she did it as quickly as she did.” 

“I like her, Oberyn. I’m glad that Ellaria turned her. She fits well with the two of you…. And Toban.” Dropping your hands to settle them in your lap, you cocked your head to the side. “What is your gift, though? You must have one, if the three of them do.”

“Nothing as exciting as seeing the past or knowing the future or the power of persuasion.” He sighed, the rise and fall of his chest a strange sight. “My… gift is also somewhat of a curse. The depth of my humanity is what I carry with me, no matter how much I’ve tried to ignore it sometimes. Despite my hesitation when it comes to getting attached, when it happens … I cannot help the way it makes me feel… and act, when the situation calls for it.” 

“How is that a curse?” 

“I haven’t been a human in 2,000 years. At that age, most of us have long since forgotten what it’s like to experience things the same way humans do. But I have never been able to disassociate from that part of myself entirely. I’ve tried to, but it has never worked for long.” He closed his eyes, pausing. “And that brings me to Cameron.” 

“I’m going to stay quiet, Oberyn, and just let you talk. Because if I interrupt, I’ll -” 

“Thank you. There aren’t many that know this full story, so…” He slipped a hand under the blanket and then under your top, his large palm pressed to your side. “That will help.” 

You didn’t know what to expect when it came to the man’s story, but once he started speaking, you were enraptured - and wouldn’t have wanted to interject without his encouragement. 

“Ellaria and I have done many things throughout the years to earn a living, finding ways to adapt to the times at hand and use current events to our advantage. Some of the stories about our kind are true, but there are others that aren’t. For example, some of us are quite persuasive, like Tyene, but we can’t just … bend people’s minds to our will without a second thought. Luckily, by the time I was turned, Ellaria had already amassed quite a fortune that she kept secret. Her name may have been Sand then, yet she was anything but poor. Those funds, along with what I was able to take away from my own family’s vaults throughout the years were more than we needed.” 

He hummed, glancing down at you and then back out at the skyline, and you used the opportunity to take in his profile, parts of his face silhouetted in shadow, though it only made him more appealing. 

“At the time I met Cameron, Ellaria and I were operating a network of Speakeasies on the East Coast. It was good money, easy money. And it was simple for us to attract visitors, because almost everyone was looking for a place to drink and socialize where they could be themselves in every way.” 

You didn’t need clarification on that. When it came to Oberyn, excess was the norm, and he’d never been one to hide his true nature, or his desires. Sex and alcohol and freedom? People must have loved them back then. He stroked over your skin with his fingertips, humming low in his throat before he continued. 

“Cameron was … special. He visited one of our locations in The Bowery, and caught my eye from across the room. I had two beautiful women in my lap and he still devoured me with his gaze as though they were not there at all. His confidence was… alluring. He wasn’t shy about what he wanted, and I liked that. We began a relationship, and I quickly realized that I cared for him, despite promising myself that I would keep things … loose. I did travel a lot, between locations, and Ellaria often filled in in my absence, so he got to know her, too.” 

Oberyn lowered his head and rested it against yours, collecting himself. “Many like us came to America then, to take advantage of the rapidly expanding cities and the nightlife. There was a group - the one Toban told you about? From Braavos? They were also attempting to operate in the same market as we were, and it got … contentious.” 

You weren’t surprised because Toban had given you a heads up, but that didn’t make the story any easier to hear. He’s been through so much. He’s had to adapt over and over and it’s still happening. 

“I wanted to be sure that Cameron was safe, and since he knew what I was, it was a little easier. We trained together. He stayed close to me when I traveled. I told him what to look for when it came to potential attempts on his life. The sell swords attacked one of our clubs one night, burning it to the ground because they thought we were there … and that is when Cameron and I disappeared for a while. We needed to lay low, and it was during that time that he asked me to protect him with my mark. But I was hesitant, and you know why.” 

“I do.” You mumbled the words, agreeing. “And I know how hard it probably still was for you to tell him no.” 

“Punishing Cameron for Isabel’s behavior was unfair of me, and I know it. I knew it then, but that changed nothing. He asked me - repeatedly, why I would not protect him if I claimed to love him. All I could say was that I had never before used the mark as a last resort, and I didn’t want to start with him. There were many Others from Braavos, but they were clumsy, and I thought … I thought my presence would be enough. But Cameron got tired of me telling him no, and so he turned to Toban, who was spending a lot of time with Ellaria then, and one thing led to another.” 

“Would … would the bond he felt with Toban because of the mark have changed if you’d turned him later? How does that work?” 

“I do not know.” He shook his head, the man’s frown deepening. “For many, offering the mark is the precursor to offering them a second life. It is … I don’t think I have ever come across someone that is protected by one and a Child of another. But in Cameron’s case, it wouldn’t have mattered. He grew to resent me in the months following Toban’s decision, and his final request of me was just a last effort to make me choose.” 

“Were he and Toban -” 

“No, they were never together. Not to my knowledge, anyway. Toban marked him because time was running out, and it was either that or watch me lose someone else I cared for before I was ready, because they would have eventually killed him. It was only a matter of time. He turned him because after the mark, the two of them became close, since Cameron wanted less and less to do with me. After your first, it … I’m told that it becomes less likely that the bond is so strong between a Maker and a Child, so to Toban, it was as simple as granting a request. Cameron told me what was happening, and then the two of them left and were out of touch for twenty years.” 

You found it hard to believe that Toban had been out of touch with Ellaria for so long, but stayed quiet, thoughts buzzing in your head. Oberyn’s differing use of his mark of protection through the years was staggering - from overusing it to not using it to choosing to use it sparingly to only offering it when the possibility of forever was on the table, but denying it to someone that was in immediate danger. And then there’s me. How do I factor into this? “You never considered turning Cameron?”

“Not once. I did love him. We were close. He knew me well, and we were happy together, but it wasn’t … I never felt the same as I did with Isabel, and that was a problem for me. He’s happy now, I’ve seen him once since he became one of us, but … the bond between us does not exist anymore. And as upset as I was with Toban at the time, his … interference was for the best. It kept Cameron alive, and it kept me from being forced to make a decision that I would have regretted later.” 

You couldn’t help it - stifling a yawn in the middle of his words, one hand rising to cover your mouth and hide it. Shit. “I’m sorry, Oberyn. It’s just that it’s late, and you’re comfortable, and -”

“It is. And I am.” He laughed quietly, the sound rumbling through his chest. “I am almost done, and then I will take you to bed.” Wait, what? “To sleep,” he clarified, lips finding your temple. “I just need to explain my feelings toward Toban, and then … then you will understand more.” 

“Before you do that, I have something to ask.” Leaning back, you looked up as he stared down at you, the man nodding twice. “Tyene offered to change me if you wouldn’t. Toban said that he was glad things wouldn’t be the same with me as they were with Cameron, and that he looked forward to getting to know me when this was over … why? They’ve known me for a few days, and they’re already acting like I’m going to be around for a long time, and that they want it to happen.” 

“They’re my family. They understand that everything going on right now is … fluid. But the fact that I acted so quickly and definitively with you, despite you being in no danger from any Others … it tells them everything they need to know about my feelings.” It was an answer, but only a partial one - though it would have to be enough. Because there are more important things to worry about. 

“What if there are Others working with the Lannisters that Tyrion doesn’t know about? What if that’s a surprise? What if -”

“That is nothing to worry about. It is a rule set by our Elders that we give the Lannisters nothing. They’ve been trying to figure out how our blood works for centuries, and have offered unbelievable sums of money for assistance. But despite the fact that not all of the Others have a vendetta against them like mine or Ellaria’s, no one is willing to help them, because it means they’d be completely cut off if they lived long enough… and survived my retaliation against them.” 

Toban’s words - no one would dare cross the Red Viper - echoed in your mind, and despite yourself, you shivered. If he has that much power over the entire community, then … then the fact that I’ve been accepted by him means even more than I thought it did. “I’m glad to hear it. And soon, helping the Lannisters won’t be something any of you have to worry about.” 

“No, it won’t be.” He hummed and then squinted, though you knew that his vision was perfect. “The sun will start to rise in about 40 minutes, so I’m going to make this quick.” Quietly encouraging him to continue, you squeezed his bicep. “I have denied myself very little in my first life… or in this life. But I am consciously denying myself the connection that we have with our first. Over and over, I have had the opportunity to choose someone to fill that role, and I have walked away every time. Toban was Ellaria’s first, and the bond they have … as much as I want to experience that, it hasn’t ever felt right.  She turned him with nothing but love for him in her heart, and I … I’ve already told you what I feel. The hate. The rage. The sadness. They are not all I feel, but they are always there, like a shadow. Making someone an offer of eternal life shouldn’t come with the burden of those things.” 

No, it shouldn’t. “Only you can decide what the right time is, or who the right person is, Oberyn. And you told me the other night that once this is over? You might be able to make that offer to someone. I want that for you. And whoever it is is going to be the luckiest person in the world, because you -” 

“No.” Using one hand, he turned your face toward his, the corners of his mouth lifting in a tiny smile. “I will be the luckiest man on this planet if they say yes.” Oberyn kissed you softly, his lips parted so that your lower one fit between them. 

He didn’t say you, don’t get your hopes up. But it was impossible not to - all of Oberyn’s words and explanations aligned with his actions and your presence in his life, and for the first time, you allowed yourself to believe that he was referring to you when he mentioned an after for someone. 

“I do not hate Toban. I could never truly despise someone that holds such a large portion of Ellaria’s heart. But he has something I haven’t been able to seriously consider for myself, and seeing him … and them together is a reminder of that.” 

You kissed him when he was done speaking, puckered lips trailing over his and then to his cheek, pausing over the space where his dimple appeared each time he smiled and then moving back to his mouth. You lingered there, wanting to deepen it, but Oberyn decided for you, shaking his head and leaning back. “We need to go inside. If I get carried away with you out here, the sun will not be pleasant.” 

“Of course.” Pushing yourself to your feet, you kept the blanket wrapped around you, staring down at where he still sat. “Plus, unless I missed something in the last few hours, you and Ellaria haven’t had enough time to take care of what you need to, so… getting carried away isn’t an option.” 

“We have not.” He stood, too, reaching out to put an arm around your shoulders. “But there are other things that you and I could do that would make me lose track of time.”

“Yeah?” Feeling bold, you slid your arm around his back, hand landing on his hip and your fingertips slipping beneath the waistband of the pants he wore. “Are any of those possible in that bedroom with the drapes shut?” 

“If you’re not too tired, we can find out.” 

You were exhausted, but his words sent a jolt of adrenaline through you, your eyes moving to the partially open door. I’ll never be too tired to find out with you, Oberyn. What you’d discussed had likely taken a lot out of him, but you never would have known based on the way he led you back into the bedroom and then fluidly worked to secure the door and drapes - ensuring that not even a sliver of sunlight would leak through when it rose. 

You went into the bathroom while he did that, taking a few moments when you’d finished to stare at yourself in the mirror. You could feel the mark he’d given you - a dull thrum against the side of your throat, and even though you knew it wouldn’t do any good, you leaned in and squinted at your reflection. I know what it’s supposed to look like, but I really wish I could see it just once. 

And you didn’t even mean as a result of being turned - though if that were the case, you’d be able to see it any time you looked into the mirror. I just mean … Swirling your fingertips slowly over your skin, you sighed. I want to see what he sees.

A knock at the door startled you. When it pushed open a few seconds later, Oberyn peaking around the edge, you straightened up and smiled. “You can come in. I guess.” 

He stepped inside, leaving the door open behind him. Oh, he took his shirt off. “The room is ready. We will be able to rest for as long as we need to.” 

“What do you do while I… while the person you’re in bed with is sleeping?” You watched his expression in the mirror, both of Oberyn’s eyebrows shooting upward. “You don’t really sleep, so -”

“I do need rest. When it’s a human I’m with, my body just sort of goes into a … meditative state. I’m still alert and aware in case of danger, but if someone were to see me, they’d think I was asleep.” He stepped behind you, extending his arms so that he could grip the edges of the counter on either side of your body. “You have seen me actually sleep, though. After the Mountain? My body was doing everything possible to heal, and that meant being truly unconscious.” 

Oberyn pressed his chest to your back, never breaking eye contact with your reflection. “So it’s like a recharge. Even though you technically don’t need it, you still… keep up appearances.” 

“I do.” He nodded, turning his head to press his lips to the angle of your jaw. “When I have a reason to.” I’m the reason right now? “I also must admit to something.” He kissed you again, mouth moving closer to your ear. “In the last few days, I have spent more than a few hours just watching you sleep.” 

“Creep.” But you felt your entire body growing warm at his words, a sharp inhale of breath your only response when he let go of the counter and wound his arms around you to pull you even closer. “Oberyn.” 

“I have been trying to figure out what it is about you that has drawn me in so quickly.” He hummed, the man pushing your shirt up and gliding his fingers over your skin. “Why I was so … moved to do whatever it took to protect you, even when I was … impaired and hadn’t had the urge to give that gift to anyone in hundreds of years.” 

“Does the why matter?” Sighing as he stroked the skin beneath your belly button, you tipped your head back, resting it against his shoulder. “It doesn’t to me, because whatever the reason, it means … you’re in my life now, and I’m in yours. Whatever that means going forward is something that we’ll have to figure out, but …” Closing your eyes you took a deep breath, pressing your lips together. “Do you regret what you did? Do you wish you hadn’t been -”

“No.” It was almost a growl, Oberyn’s palm flattening against your belly, the other one moving up your body and sliding beneath the neckline of your shirt so that he could settle it over your heart. “I regret the timing, yes, and not being able to explain what I wanted to do beforehand… but when it comes to choosing you?” He nuzzled against the side of your face, his upper lip curling. “There is no regret.” 

It made you feel better. 

When you turned your head toward him, he was waiting, the man’s lips already parted so that he could pull yours between them, the scrape of his teeth making you groan. Reaching up, you used one hand to grip his hair, fingers twisting in the silver-streaked locks. He pressed harder on your chest, and once again, you knew he was monitoring your heartbeat. But this time, it’s not because he’s afraid it’s too slow. 

He kissed you harder, his mouth moving with yours - and the hand on your abdomen moved lower, the tips of his fingers skimming the waistband of your sweats. You whimpered then, Oberyn  swallowing the sound - but it only seemed to encourage him. Wait, though. Wait because … 

Pulling away from him with a gasp, you let out a shuddering breath, and were unsurprised to see mischief in his eyes, one of his brows raised. “Can, um…” Fighting to catch your breath, you chewed on your lower lip and wrinkled your nose. This is stupid. “Can they hear us? I know this is a big apartment, but …”

To his credit, Oberyn didn’t outright laugh at you. Instead he just murmured your name and leaned in to kiss you, his fingers curling slightly. “Our hearing is very good, yes. But with age and experience, we are able to … tune things out. It becomes like background noise for us unless we’re actively listening. I cannot say that they won’t all know that something is going on in here because of your heartbeat or any noises we make, but I can assure you that Ellaria and Toban are quite occupied themselves, and Tyene is more like a teenager than you know.” 

“Doesn’t want to hear either of her parents having sex? Got it.” You grinned at that, feeling marginally more at ease. “I just didn’t want to be rude, Oberyn. I know you’ll tell me that I’m worrying for nothing, but …” 

“I certainly haven’t been listening to them, I can promise you that.” The look in his eyes changed briefly, but then he was focused on you again, the intensity back. “If it makes you uncomfortable, I understand.” You considered his words for a few seconds, breaking eye contact and then closing both of yours. 

Everything you knew about Oberyn Martell - from Westerosi history books and actually meeting him in person - told you that while he had very few limitations when it came to his behavior, he was considerate of others when the situation called for it. 

He wouldn’t force you to do anything, and his honesty about the fact that three supernatural beings also in the apartment could probably hear everything happening was proof that you had a choice about whether or not to move forward. But they all already know how he is. They know how he feels, and how I feel, and …  

“I want this, Oberyn.” His hold on you tightened, and when you lifted your head again to lock eyes with him in the mirror, you nodded twice. “But, the first time we’re actually together? I’d prefer if it was just the two of us, you know?”

“Of course.” The hand at your chest dropped a few inches, Oberyn’s wrist caught on the neckline of your shirt as he palmed one breast. “No one to listen. No one to interrupt. No one to …” He pressed his lips to your cheek and then moved them down, kissing the space just beneath your ear and then against the column of your throat. “No one to make either of us leave that bed before we’re ready.” 

You moaned at that - the sound loud, and when he latched his lips against your skin and sucked, you did it again, not caring at all who was listening. He wasn’t biting you, but part of you wished that he would - and you didn’t know what exactly that said about you. “I can’t wait.” The thought of you and Oberyn - uninterrupted and in a bed together, the man finally able to give you what you both desperately wanted - was enough to make your knees shake. 

But he kept you upright, releasing your skin and then smiling against it as he continued to kiss his way forward. “On that night,” he whispered, lips moving over the part of your collarbone that was exposed, “on that night, I am going to kiss every single part of you that I marred when I was not well.” 

“Oberyn, you don’t have to -”

“It is not for you.” He shook his head, the hand at your waist sliding marginally lower while the one on your chest moved in a slow circle, one fingertip circling your nipple. “It is for me. And it is the only way I can begin to forgive myself.” You knew that telling him that you’d already forgiven him was unnecessary - he’d made the decision to make up for what he’d done, and you couldn’t sway him. “But for now…” He took a step forward, the small movement aligning your thighs with the edge of the counter. “This is for you.” 

He removed his hand from beneath your shirt and then used both of his to pull it upward, the man silent as he moved. Raising your arms to allow him to fully remove it, you let out a shuddering breath at the sight of your bare torso in the mirror, watching as he wrapped his arms around you again. He’s just watching me. Watching … us. 

The heat of his body was soft against your skin, the man’s palms warmer where they pressed to it - but you were focused on the intensity of his gaze, his eyes following the movement of his fingers as he touched you. “Oberyn, what are …” You gasped when his right hand slid down your stomach, fingers gliding beneath your waistband again - but instead of continuing down, he held it there, humming appreciatively. “You seem pleased with yourself, Prince Oberyn.” 

That got a laugh out of him, the smile spreading across his face as he palmed your chest with his other hand. But when Oberyn said your name next, there was no trace of laughter in his voice. Instead, it was low and full of want, his eyes blazing in the mirror’s reflection. “You’ll be pleased in a few minutes, too. That is a promise.” 

 You managed little more than a quiet sigh in response, but you nodded, never taking your eyes off of him. He was pressed against you from behind, the man’s body firm, and when he used one foot to nudge yours apart, you moved. Not much - just enough to widen your stance for him. Please touch me, Oberyn. Please, just … 

Reaching up with one hand, you dragged your fingers through the hair laying against the nape of his neck as you finally turned your head toward him, your upper body twisting slightly. It was enough to allow you to kiss him, your mouth pressed to his as your fingers curled. 

Despite his age and his circumstances - and the fact that your friends had the element of surprise, you knew that nothing was promised beyond the moments you were living in. Especially for me, you thought as you continued to kiss him, lips parting in a signal to him that you wanted more. Because out of everyone, I’m the only one without a contingency plan or immortal blood. 

He must have noticed a change in your heartbeat, because Oberyn pulled away moments later, his frown deep. “What is wrong? Do you want me to stop?” 

“No. I don’t.” Closing your eyes, you bit down on your lower lip. “I’m just … so much could go wrong, Oberyn. And I’m scared that I’ll lose you before …” You pulled your hand from his head, using it to cover your mouth. Just say it. “I’m scared that I’ll lose you before I can really get to know you. Or that something will happen to me, and then…” And then you’ll lose someone else you care about earlier than planned. 

“You will not lose me.” He leaned in, running his nose along your temple. “Not during this conflict, and definitely not tonight.” He kissed you then, lips landing on the corner of one eye. “And nothing is going to happen to you… nothing that you don’t like, anyway.” You felt his smile, the man pausing before he spoke again - that time, directly into your ear. “Let me take care of you, issa ōños.” 

You knew it was Valyrian, but you didn’t know what he’d said - and didn’t want to stop him and ask, especially when his hand moved even lower, the edges of his nails dragging against your sensitive skin and making your hips jerk backward into his. He was hard and made no effort to conceal that from you, Oberyn bending one knee and sliding that foot between both of your legs so that you could feel the length of him against the back of your hip. 

It also stabilized you, your lips curving into a tiny smile at the realization. But that was cut off when he kissed you again, Oberyn’s lips crushing yours with what you could only describe as a slight desperation. You have nothing to prove to me, Oberyn. Nothing at all. 

The hand on your chest moved upward, palm pausing over your heart for long moments as the kiss continued, desperation turning into something like need as he felt the steady - though elevated - beat of it. He nodded once without breaking the kiss, and when you circled your hips slowly, leaning the weight of your upper body into his, Oberyn was ready. 

He licked into your mouth, the drag of his tongue long and slow. It took you a few seconds to realize that he’d dropped his hand again, slipping his fingers between your legs and curving them - the breadth of them pressed against the apex of your thighs. His touch was welcome, and when he stroked you with one long finger, you moaned into his mouth, your hand rising again to let your fingers tangle in his hair. 

He continued with only one finger, though he sped up after a minute or so, the man not doing anything but touching you until he broke the kiss to let you breathe. You gasped a breath into your lungs, eyes squeezed shut, and when Oberyn’s hand moved upward from your chest and to your throat, you let it out shakily at what you knew was coming. 

He made contact with the mark on your neck at the same time one finger slipped into you, Oberyn humming as you breathed out his name, the sound so quiet that only someone with his hearing would have known. Your muscles clenched around his finger, your body accommodating him immediately - though you wanted more, and knew that he’d want you to say so. 

You opened your mouth to tell him, turning your head just enough so that you could steal a quick kiss, but when your lips met, you felt the sharp sting of his teeth - the man nicking your lip and then snapping his head back before you could even react. His fangs are out. Is that new or has it been that way every time we’ve been close like this? “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to -”

“Don’t apologize for what you are, Oberyn.” You dragged your tongue slowly over the area he’d bitten, your tongue coming away coated in the tang of copper. You met his eyes again - directly that time, and not in the mirror - and shook your head without looking away. “I can handle it, and I want to.” It was the truth - you needed him to know that no part of him or who he was or what he wanted frightened you or made  you uncomfortable in any way, and that you trusted him to toe the line of safety with you in every situation. “Can…” Swallowing, you nodded. “Can I see?” 

He hesitated but it was brief. Oberyn’s hand dropped from your neck back to your upper chest, the motion of his other hand paused, too. “Yes. You can.” He opened his mouth again, tipping his head back and baring his teeth - and you watched as his fangs descended, the sharp points coming into view with no change in his expression. Oberyn stayed still, the man’s eyes on your face as you stared at what he was showing you. 

They were beautiful - much like the rest of him was - and without thinking about it, you raised your hand slowly, fingertips caressing his cheek as your thumb hovered just in front of his open mouth. “Does it hurt?” You spoke quietly, wondering what he felt in the rhythm of your heartbeat. “When they come down?”

“No.” He prodded at one with the tip of his tongue, your eyes following the movement. “It never has.” You wanted to touch one of them - to press the pad of your thumb against the point, testing the sharpness, but had no idea if that would be crossing the line of acceptability. “People used to fear them, even after I told them what I was. I became … adept at keeping them hidden. At not letting my natural reaction to … others allow them to be visible.” 

“So they come out when you’re turned on?” Arching a brow, you grinned at him again. “Good to know.” The edge of your nail caught on his lower lip, and then Oberyn snapped his teeth at you, playfully nipping at it before turning his head to kiss the inside of your wrist with a lingering press of his lips. “Oberyn.” You got his attention with a single word, his gaze rising to lock with yours again. “You have my permission to … bite me if that’s what you want.” 

It sounded stupid coming from you - the words leaving your lips and echoing in the small space. But he probably needs to hear it, because he was so afraid I’d be mad or off-put and … I’m not. “Is it what you want?” 

He pulled you closer to his body, Oberyn’s fingers curling against your core, and you nodded in return. “Yes. I want you, and that urge is a part of who you are, so… it is.” His eyes flashed at your admission, the man’s pupils widening - and then he was kissing you again, none of the previous restraint present. 

Instead, he took the lead, his mouth pressed to yours with some force as the hand between your legs began to move again. But that time, Oberyn went with two fingers, much as he had done in the safehouse. It felt better - your body’s immediate reaction to cant your hips forward over and over into his touch, chasing the pressure of the heel of his hand on each backstroke. 

He bit your lip again before he moved his mouth to your jaw, the points of his teeth scraping over it and then dragging along your cheek, the man’s plush lips trailing a second path over your heated skin. 

Closing your eyes and breathing hard, you angled your head away and gave him a better route to your neck, knowing full well that he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the mark - but still wanting his mouth on it, wanting to feel the heat of his lips as the effect of the claim he’d made on you coursed through your body. Not a claim, you reminded yourself as he bit on your earlobe before releasing it. A promise. A reminder that he wants to keep me safe. 

And Oberyn did press his lips to your mark moments later, along with a twist of his wrist that left his fingers buried in you but also allowed him to circle his thumb over the spot just above them, your hips jerking back once more. His kiss burned, the connection between you electric in its intensity, and you forced your eyes open, watching what was going on in the mirror. 

It was a sight you’d never forget - one of his hands pressed so tightly to your chest that your flesh dimpled beneath it, the other hidden beneath the sweats you still wore, the motion of the fabric over the movement of his fingers and the flex of the muscles in his wrist and forearm something that you could have watched for hours. 

But it was his head that you focused on, the crown of dark curls streaked with silver repositioned after only a few seconds and giving you a view of his brow and nose as he moved away from your throat and back to the place where your neck met your shoulder. 

You didn’t even notice your own bare skin - chest on full display in the warm light of the vanity fixture - because you were so focused on him and what he was doing. But nothing could have prepared you for Oberyn raising his eyes and turning his head so that he could rest his chin on your shoulder. 

He curled his fingers inside of you at the same moment he smirked, and then he opened his mouth, letting you watch as his fangs descended once more. He’s going to … Oh, he’s… 

You knew it was coming and yet you were still unprepared for the way it felt the moment he sunk his teeth into your skin, the man’s low moan at the taste of you sending a shiver of pleasure throughout your entire body. Your first instinct was to close your eyes but you forced yourself to keep them open, watching as your mouth dropped open, lips forming his name though you didn’t speak it out loud. 

He didn’t actually drink from you the same way he had the first night. Instead, Oberyn sipped slowly, timing the swallows with the strokes of his fingers, your body following his lead. You lifted one hand and laid it over the one he had on your chest, using the other one to grip the edge of the counter even though it was unnecessary. 

You wanted to watch - wanted to see the exact moment you fell apart from his touch and his mouth, but instead of doing that, you closed your eyes and let yourself relax into him, the man supporting your weight, even as your hips continued to move in tandem with his hand. 

There was pressure building in your lower belly - the result of his touch and his bite, and if you could sense it, you knew that he likely could, too. But I haven’t touched him. I haven’t … he hasn’t… You groaned, forcing your eyes open and saying his name, the man looking up without pulling his mouth away from your skin. His eyes were dark - the pupils so wide that you couldn’t tell where they ended, and there was a tiny trickle of blood at one corner of his mouth that made you gasp when you saw it. That’s my … oh, shit. 

But it didn’t deter you, and when you spoke moments later, your voice was low, though you heard the certainty in your tone. “Touch yourself, Oberyn. I know you want to.” 

His eyes rolled back and then he shut them, pulling the hand on your chest out from beneath yours as he sucked on your shoulder, and then you felt that hand slide down your body before it joined the other one between your legs. What the fuck is he… 

Before you could even finish your thought, Oberyn deftly replaced his first hand with the second, never missing a beat in the rhythm of his touch. Oh, he’s … oh, shit. Humming, you watched as he removed the first hand - his fingers glistening with your slick - and drew it back between your bodies, pushing the pants he wore down so that he could do what you’d told him to.  

He grunted against your skin and then you felt him move - stroking himself slowly, the man’s knuckles brushing against your back and hip. He sped up the motion of his other hand, and you glanced down, catching a glimpse of what was going on behind you - his large hand wrapped around his length, lower body pulled away from yours enough to give him the space he needed to glide easily. 

You had no idea what a vampire’s release would be like - or if it would be anything at all - but before you could dwell on the thought, Oberyn’s thumb found a sweet spot again, the man pressing down against your skin before circling slowly, another prolonged suck on your shoulder making you gasp. 

It was almost too much - definitely more than you’d experienced with him the first time he’d touched you, but at the same time, it was nowhere close to being enough. Will it ever be? You wondered as you forced your eyes to stay open, gaze focused on the flex of the tendons in his wrist and the way the length of him looked - tip flushed, the rest of him and his hand coated in you. 

Without warning, Oberyn released your shoulder and lifted his head, and you let out a moan at what he left behind - a double set of puncture wounds on your skin, thin trails of blood oozing from them and more of the same coating his lower lip. He looked almost drunk, his eyelids heavy, and for a few seconds, you thought he was going to stay like that… but you were wrong. 

“Give me your hand.” Voice low, he made the demand, Oberyn’s tongue cleaning the blood from his mouth. “Over mine.” Ducking his head, you felt as he kissed the place he bit once more, followed by the drag of his tongue, which felt almost as good as the bite itself. But you moved your hand at the same time, making a guess that he wasn’t asking for help touching you and reaching back so that you could wrap your fingers over his mid-stroke. 

He grunted at your touch, and before you could question him further, it was your hand resting against his skin, Oberyn’s larger one securely atop yours and guiding you. He was warm against your palm, the heft of him large but not uncomfortable, and as you took over, Oberyn’s focus shifted back to the hand he had between your legs, the speed of those thrusts increasing, as did the pace of his thumb. 

It felt amazing  - better than anything that had ever been done to your body before, and Oberyn knew it, the man’s smile turning lazy as he focused on the mirror. “Normally I would prolong this,” he murmured, mouth moving along your skin. “To see how long you could remain right on the edge.” No, please. Not tonight. I just want … “But that is not what either of us needs tonight.” He sighed, mouthing at the base of your throat and then parting his lips to bite again - that time without his fangs. “Tonight you just need me.” 

It was the truth - and it didn’t matter how or why he knew it, and so you nodded, swallowing and tipping your head back as you paused your hand long enough to swirl your thumb over his head, the man twitching at the touch. Squeezing once in agreement, you then resumed your movement - and Oberyn changed his, holding his fingers still inside you while the third kept moving - the pace increasing. 

“Oberyn!” You cried out, your voice much louder than you’d anticipated, but it only encouraged him, the muscles in your abdomen tightening as your toes curled, Oberyn’s hand squeezing yours once more before releasing it. He moved that hand up to your chest again, the weight of his touch grounding you and holding you tight against his body. Even though your eyes snapped closed, you knew why he was touching you there - knew what he was searching for. And I hope he likes it, you thought even as your lips fell open in a series of pants, breath shaky. My fucking heart is racing, and … 

“There it is,” he whispered, followed by a quiet hum of approval. “There you go.” 

You fell apart moments later, your body nearly convulsing at his touch - your free hand slapping against the countertop as the one you had on him stuttered in its motion, grip tightening. Your muscles clenched around his fingers, and Oberyn kept them still, the man swearing in another language - one that you didn’t recognize before turning to kiss the underside of your jaw, the press of his lips against the pulse in your neck welcome. 

He eased you through it, his touch lengthening your orgasm, but once the haze of pleasure had begun to subside, you took a deep, shaky breath and used the hand on the counter to touch his wrist, stopping the motion. Stop. Stop, Oberyn. “Let me turn around, Oberyn.” 

He slipped his fingers from inside of you, but didn’t pull his hand free from beneath your sweats. You let him go long enough to turn and face him, knees wobbly and your chest heaving, but when you met his eyes, you saw understanding in them. “Are you -”

“Be quiet.” Wetting your lips, you shook your head. “Be quiet and let me take care of you now.” His eyes flashed but he didn’t speak, and when you touched him again, your grip was certain - your confidence growing with each passing second. 

He crowded you against the counter again, and without thinking, you maneuvered yourself so that you were sitting on the edge of it, legs spread so that Oberyn could step between them. It gave you better access, and when you reached up with your free hand, gripping the hair at the back of his neck and urging him to kiss you, Oberyn didn’t hesitate. 

It was a deep kiss, Oberyn’s  tongue seeking entrance to your mouth immediately, and as he kissed you, his hips began to rock forward, the tiny thrusts forcing more of him through your grip. He held you with both hands - one of them pressed to the center of your back, the other one gripping the back of your neck and holding you in place, but despite the power behind it, his grip was gentle. 

You felt his fangs again when he bit on your lower lip but he didn’t pierce the skin, and when you gasped, the sound turning into a moan moments later, Oberyn groaned too, his hips moving faster. He broke the kiss, humming out your name. “I am close. I… where do y-”

“Anywhere.” Pressing a kiss to his lips, you shook your head. “Anywhere, Oberyn.” He grunted at your words but didn’t speak again, and when Oberyn kissed you hard, mouth sealed over yours, you knew that close meant imminent. 

Your heart racing again, you swirled your thumb over his tip and squeezed, the speed of your hand increasing as Oberyn’s lips parted, though he didn’t pull back from you. Forcing your eyes open, you tilted your head down to stare between your bodies, twisting your wrist so that when he came, it would hit your belly - and that change was all he needed, the man pulsing in your hand as he followed you over the edge. 

It coated your skin, pearly streaks hitting your stomach, the volume increasing with each stroke of your hand until he was nearly shuddering in your grip, Oberyn’s muscles twitching though he didn’t seem to have any trouble staying on his feet. “Fuck.” He swore, the sound beautiful to your ears. “You just … you are …” 

“Hold that thought, Prince Oberyn.” With one more stroke - and a final squeeze - you released him, fingertips trailing up his stomach until you could press your hand over his heart. It was strange to feel nothing beneath your palm, but it wasn’t difficult to imagine what it would have felt like - his chest rising and falling rapidly while he struggled to catch his breath, his lips parted as he sucked air between them. But it doesn’t matter, because he’s alive in all the ways that count. Your hand moved higher, fingers curling around the side of his throat and your thumb sliding over his jawline. “Ok, now you can finish.” 

“I just did.” He raised an eyebrow. “All over your -” You laughed, eyes closing and your chin dropping, but when Oberyn said your name, you looked back up at him. “I know you heard me earlier, heard what I called you?” Oh, he’s … Nodding, you took a deep breath and held it. “Issa ōños, it means … it means my light. And that is what you are to me, because you’ve shown me something I haven’t seen in a very long time.” 

Your heart was racing, his explanation of the words much more intimate than you’d ever expected them to be. “I have?” He nodded, both of his hands slipping down toward your waist. 

“The way forward. Hope. What it means to … care for someone again. I am beginning to see an end to the darkness I have lived with for so long.” You didn’t know what to say, and any of the things that crossed your mind seemed like too little - so you just leaned forward and kissed him gently, stroking the back of his head. When the kiss ended, neither of you said anything - but you didn’t separate, either, locked in place and holding each other, his forehead pressed to yours. We can’t stay here, though. 

“We should get cleaned up, Oberyn. I need to lay down.” Sighing, you straightened up and looked into his eyes. “And I need to … figure out how to respond to what you just said, because -”

“No. You don’t. Not yet.” He smiled, the expression understanding. “I just wanted you to know.” The man backed off, though he was reluctant to let you go. “It is important that you know.”  

He stepped away, giving you the room you needed to climb off of the counter and begin to clean up, doing the same thing beside you before pulling his pants back on. Everything he says is important. But that seems … very important. And I just … I don’t know what to think. 

Luckily for you, there was plenty of time, since you had days before the engagement party and wedding, and you weren’t involved in every aspect of the attack plan. But it can wait until I wake up. You yawned, swaying on your feet as you dried your face off with a fluffy towel, but then you felt Oberyn’s arms around you again, his mouth right next to your ear. “It’s time for bed. You can barely stand.” 

You didn’t argue, and only a few seconds later, you were horizontal on the comfortable mattress, the thick blanket covering you while Oberyn pressed against you from behind.

You were drowsy, and knew that it wouldn’t take long to fall asleep, but you forced yourself to speak one final time, clearing your throat without opening your eyes. “I know you won’t sleep, but I hope you get some rest.” He chuckled, his mouth pressed to the back of your shoulder. “I’ll see you when I wake up. I lo-” 

You stopped yourself just in time, breath catching in your throat. Oh, no. Oh, I just almost… His arm tightened around you, Oberyn pulling you as close as he could. “I will be here.” I almost just fucked everything up. I almost ruined everything. 

You were exhausted, but the racing of your heart at the near admission kept you awake for a long time. And if Oberyn noticed - which you knew that he did - he didn’t comment on it, his body still behind yours.  

“You’re serious?” You looked back and forth between them, eyes wide. “Tyene? Toban? You’re telling me that -”

“Yes. We’ve all been cooped up in here for a week, and you haven’t been anywhere for almost two aside from coming here.” The girl grinned, holding out a hand. “We’re going out tonight.” 

“But shouldn’t we -” You bit your lip, shaking your head. “Shouldn’t you two be worried about preparing for the wedding instead of worrying about babysitting a human? The engagement party is tomorrow, and…” Trailing off, you looked at Toban’s face, watching as he studied you. “That’s why we’re leaving.” 

Closing your eyes, you nodded. It’s because the party is tomorrow. “After tomorrow, we lose the element of surprise.” Tyene stepped forward, glancing at Toban. “Or at least Oberyn and Ellaria do. So between then and the wedding, things will be … harder for us. Unless we go tonight, we won’t be able to until it’s all over because they might be looking.” 

“And at that point, none of us will be hiding anymore.” Toban cleared his throat, saying your name. “So tonight, the three of us are going to leave the apartment, you are going to check in with someone that you know as proof of life, and Tyene and I are going to fuel up for what is coming.” 

That was code for find someone to drink from, though he was tactful about admitting it. “That’s not the only reason we’re leaving.” You smiled at her, nodding, even though you felt a pang in your chest. “But alright. Let me get changed. I don’t think I want my first time out and around people in such a long time to be in sweatpants.” She grinned, turning and leaving the room, though Toban remained, the man eyeing you curiously. “What? What did -”

“He expects you to be upset.” Frowning, Toban shook his head. “But you aren’t… at least in the way it would make sense for you to be.” 

“Oberyn told me about your gift.” You stood, taking a deep breath. “And you’re right, I do feel … something right now, but … two thousand years of history between them? I’ve known him for fifteen seconds in comparison. And if this is what needs to happen so that he can focus on what’s coming, there’s no way I can be mad about it.” You chewed on your lip and then shook your head. “This isn’t a shock to me, Toban. I knew it was going to happen.If anything, I’m surprised it took this long.” 

He looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead closed his eyes, nodding. He doesn’t know what to say. ��How long do you need to get ready?” Toban cleared his throat. “An hour?”

“No, not even close.” Glancing around the room, you shrugged. “Twenty minutes? A half hour?” He agreed and then followed Tyene out of the room, leaving you alone. There were plenty of clothes for you to choose from, and after checking the weather on one of the TV channels, you opted for a pair of jeans and a light colored tee, pulling a cardigan over it. 

From there, you moved to the vanity, sliding onto the bench seat and reaching for the small bag of toiletries that included makeup, trying to decide whether or not you wanted to put in the effort. Not like I’m trying to impress anyone. 

“I have warned them that if anything happens to you, they will answer to me.” 

Turning your head toward the voice, you rolled your eyes when you saw Oberyn leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed. “You wouldn’t have agreed to let me leave this apartment if you thought something might happen.” He pushed off of the wall and moved toward where you sat, the man settling both hands on your shoulders. “It’ll be good to get outside, Oberyn, to be around other people again.” 

“Are we not enough?” You thought about lying and then opted not to, setting the compact you held back down as you turned your head again to look up at him. 

“It’s not that you aren’t enough. I just … I went from interacting with dozens of people every day and using all kinds of technology whenever I wanted to the confines of an apartment, no phone, and the same four faces for the last two weeks.” Aside from Clegane and Tyrion, that is. “It was a big change.” 

“You’ll be back in that world full time soon enough.” He cleared his throat. “I’m … sorry that this is what your life has become. You should not have to hide here, with us. This is not your fight.” 

“It is, though.” Eyeing yourself in the mirror, you shrugged. “It became my fight the second you kissed me at that party, Oberyn. And I’ll do whatever I can to help you win it.” Even if that means going out to a bar so that you can fuck the lingering effects of Ellaria’s blood from your system. “Besides, spending time with Toban and Tyene will be … interesting. I’m sure they’ll have a ton of stories to tell me, and with you and Ellaria out of earshot, they won’t have to worry about censoring themselves.” 

He laughed at that but didn’t speak, his eyes on you as you applied mascara. You could see his reflection in the mirror, the man’s brow furrowed, and you wondered what it would actually take for him to speak up. I’ve never seen him like this. He twisted the ring on his thumb with two fingers, still silent when you picked up another brush - but Oberyn finally broke the silence a few seconds later, his tone full of confusion. 

“You are calm. Your heartbeat is … steady.” He frowned, glancing up at the ceiling. “Yet you know what is going to happen when -”

“Oberyn.” Capping your eyeliner, you spun on the bench to face him, hands in your lap. “Yes. I know that when the three of us are gone, you and Ellaria are going to fuck.” You knew it was more than that, but being blunt was the route you chose. “You need to be clearheaded for tomorrow, and even though having the extra stamina from her blood would probably be helpful if something happens, the focus is more important.” 

“Among other things.” He mumbled the words and then held a hand out, waiting for you to take it. “I wish it did not have to be this way.” 

“Why?” He pulled you to your feet, his free hand going to your waist. “You love her, Oberyn. You haven’t seen her in a while, and this is probably the longest the two of you have ever gone in each other’s presence without jumping into bed.” Settling your hand on his chest, you said his name again. “I will never be jealous of what the two of you have. She saved your life twice that I know about, and probably countless more times between, too.” He smiled at that - just a twitch of his lips but it was there, and so you continued. “Plus, if that night in the bathroom was any indication, my pelvis and ribs wouldn’t stand a chance with you until you get that out of your system.” Arching a brow, you stared at him for a few seconds, giving your words time to land. 

You hadn’t discussed what had happened between you - or what you’d almost said - after waking up, and the following few days had been filled with planning sessions, meaning that Oberyn’s attention was divided. You’d thought about it, of course, and figured that he had, too … but you knew that he had far more important things to worry about.

But those things didn’t keep him from you in the time before you went to bed each day, Oberyn taking breaks to lay with you until you’d fallen asleep, his hand stroking over the parts of your body that he could reach and the two of you trading deep, slow kisses until your eyes closed and he had the opportunity to extricate himself, heading back into the other room with Ellaria, Toban and Tyene. 

You only knew this was the case because you’d woken up to an empty bed one night, the fear that he was gone filling you for long moments and only abating when you heard his voice from the other room, Toban’s joining in moments later. He’d always been in bed again when you woke up, though, the comforting weight of him beside you and his face the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes. 

Tyrion hadn’t come back, but packages from him had arrived throughout the week - blueprints and files, a secure phone that he’d used to call your group twice - and so you knew that he was still all in. You also knew that while the actual plan was to attack just before the wedding ceremony, there were contingencies in place in case the Lannisters acted out of character and attempted anything at the party. 

“You certainly did not complain about the way I was touching you the other night.” Narrowing his eyes playfully, he cocked his head to the side. “Or the way I used my hands.” 

“And I never would, but Oberyn, I do enjoy walking and being able to comfortably sit in chairs and breathing without pain, so … yeah. Five or six thousand years is a lot more than two, so -” Leaning in, you kissed him on the mouth, nodding. “Yes. You do what you need to do and I’m going to go and convince Toban and Tyene to let me have a couple cheap beers and the greasiest -” 

“Do you want me to stay in the other room tonight?” His hands went to your waist, all traces of humor gone from his tone. “The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.” That threw you, and you were unable to keep your expression from changing before you got yourself under control. Oh, Oberyn. 

“I’m … not sure.” Averting your eyes, you pressed your lips together. “I don’t think I’ll be able to answer that until I get back, to be honest.”  

“Thank you. Thank you for being -”

“Oberyn, will you please stop being annoying and let her leave?” Tyene popped her head into the room, a clear look of irritation on her face. “This isn’t the inquisition, and -” He stepped backwards, pulling you with him without looking away. But Oberyn used one hand to shove the girl back into the hallway, followed by closing the door before he pressed his back to it, two quick knocks from outside immediately following. “Two minutes, Martell. Or I’m breaking this door down, and -”

“I’ll be out in one, Tyene!” Raising your voice, you cut her off before turning your full attention to Oberyn. “I’ll see you when I get back.” You contemplated telling him to have fun, but decided against it, choosing instead to lean closer, winding your arms around his neck and tucking your head in. “In one piece, too. Maybe even a little tipsy. We’ll see.” 

“We will.” He kissed the top of your head, arms snaking around your waist. “Please be careful. Stay close to them. If one of them -”

“I’ll listen to them the same way I would you.” Backing off, you nodded. “I promise. Now kiss me goodbye and let me leave, alright?” He eyed you warily, but you could see that  there was pride in his eyes, too - the man staring at you in a way no one ever had before.

His kiss took you by surprise, the press of the man’s mouth gentle, even as the tips of his fingers dug into your sides. He deepened it, Oberyn swallowing your sigh as he traced his tongue along the edges of your teeth and then let it slide past them, meeting yours. 

It wasn’t a goodbye kiss, though you could have read it as one, because you were about to walk out the front door of the apartment into an uncertain world for the first time in days. Instead, it seemed to be a promise - that even though you were leaving and he’d be going to bed with another woman that he was in love with while you were gone, he was what would be waiting when you came back. “I’ll see you in a few hours.” He spoke into your ear, his voice barely above a whisper. “Enjoy yourself.” 

He took your hand and urged you away from the door, opening it and walking down the hallway to where the other three were waiting. Toban and Tyene were dressed to leave the apartment but Ellaria looked more casual - her long hair down and trailing over her shoulders, the dress she wore loose, too. She looks … beautiful. 

“Alright.” Tyene clapped her hands together when she saw the two of you and then pointed at the door. “I need a damn drink, let’s get the hell out of here.” She grabbed your free hand as she passed, tugging you away from Oberyn without breaking stride. “Toban’s buying.” 

Two hours later, you were ready to admit that getting out of the apartment and back into the real world was exactly what you needed. 

After a short Uber ride, the three of you found yourself in Culver City - not quite close enough to your apartment to make it obvious, but in a place you were much more comfortable with than you would have been at one of the upscale downtown bars. 

You’d been on edge until you finished your first drink, constantly looking around the somewhat crowded room, fingers curled protectively around the frosty glass - but when you’d seen how at ease Tyene and Toban were, you followed suit. 

Your second drink went down smoothly, too, while you focused on a story that Toban was telling about the years he’d spent in Australia. But before you could order a third, the man stopped you, his hand settling on your arm. “We’re going to walk down the street to another place before we do anything else.” 

“Why? Is it -”

“I believe you call this bar-hopping?” He lifted his glass, saluting with it before he finished the final sips of his beer. “And there are still enough people in costume that it’s good cover.” You laughed, rolling your eyes. “Plus, I think Tyene’s got her eye on someone, so we’ll have to leave once she’s done.” 

The two of you watched as the girl flirted with a man near the bar, reaching up to tousle his hair while she laughed. Good for her. “What about you?” You focused on him, taking a breath. “See anyone here that you like?” 

“I can wait.” He drummed his fingers on the table, looking around the room. “I need less and less to survive as time passes. It’ll be good to… renew myself, but my focus right now is on you.” 

“I didn’t want this.” Shifting in your seat, you shook your head. “The last thing I want is for someone else to be responsible for me because I’m just -” A human. A weak little human who wouldn’t stand a chance against the Mountain or a vampire or something as fucking simple as getting hurt. 

“I can’t speak for her,” he interrupted, gesturing to Tyene, who’d pulled the man into a kiss. “But I’m always happy to spend time with new friends.” He laid his hand atop yours, squeezing. “Especially when they’re as special as you are.” 

“I’m just -”

“You’re not just anything. Not anymore.” Toban lifted his hand and held up one finger, the man nodding - and you only realized that he was signaling Tyene when his attention was fully back on you, his expression widening into a grin. “And now I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?” He nodded again, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a phone. “What is -”

“Choose someone you trust. Not family, if you can help it… but someone that you can have a conversation with. Talk for a few minutes, and then invite them out. Invite them to meet us at a random place around here. Are you familiar with the area?” 

“Yeah.” You took the phone, turning it over in your hand. “Is there anywhere I should avoid?” 

“No. Tyene can hear what you say. She’ll head to wherever you suggest next once she finishes with her friend and wait to see if anyone … else shows up before we do. Enhanced everything is an asset to us. And when we know it’s safe, you and I will head there, too.” 

“Is this dangerous? I don’t want to risk it if … This was great. I don’t need to -”

“I heard what you said to Oberyn earlier. You need the interaction. You need to see a friendly human face.” He leaned closer. “You need more than any of us can give you right now.” He was right - and you knew it, so with a tiny nod of agreement, you averted your eyes and dialed a number you knew by heart. 

It rang twice before someone picked up, and at the sound of the voice on the other end of the line, you closed your eyes, grinning. “Nora? It’s me. I’m so sorry I haven’t called you back. Want to meet for a drink?” 

Tag list reblogs coming soon! 

[michelleleewise]

okay so im not sure how man requests are allowed lmao but i spend to much time thinking of scenarios to not submit another 🤣🤣🤣



So i was thinking loki & the reader have been together for a while now, mutually bonding over the love of books, exploration, art ect) you really can add whatever commonalities you’d want but it’s prominent. even the rest of the avengers around the tower know you have loki absolutely whipped & there’s about nothing he wouldn’t do for his princess. well after and incident during a super solder base raid with the team, nothing horribly wrong let’s just say you get ambushed and engage in a fight till y/n happens to get blasted back and knocked unconscious, getting lost in the rubble and continuation of the fight. loki flips out and saves your ass, once back at the tower & you have been cleared by the team doctor, loki has a serious conversation with you. about how he believed you had been taken or worse killed. he’s been thinking about this for awhile and at first what was stopping him was fear of rejection but if this situation taught him anything it’s that he cannot go any longer without calling you his wife. tomorrow is not promised so he wants to make sure y’all will be linked for eternity, getting to my final point. the “Asgardian” way of proposal between two warriors. a love lock, he would magically several lock of his hair from his head and a lock of hair from yours and then magically rebined the opposite locks to each then making the lock into a single braid mixed it with some of your natural hair think magical extension but one bonding you to your future husband. his promise to you. of course ending in smut but i think just passionate love making cause it fits the plot lol.

i hope you take this into consideration, it not i completely understand!!! have a great day hun🥰

Heeeeey!!! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this!!!!! I need to get my life together lol thank you so much for sending this to me!! I hope i do it justice!! 💚💚💚

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Bonded

Pairing: Avenger Loki x female reader

Warnings: fight sequences, mild violence, panic, anxiety, all the feels, established relationship, soft smut, mild swearing, p in v, unprotected sex

Summary: After an incident on one of your missions, loki makes a decision....

A/n- graphics by @harlequin-hangout

You walked into the kitchen seeing Thor sitting on a stool at the kitchen island, Loki making a sandwich "Hello love, would you like something to eat?" He asked smiling at you "no thank you, I'm ok." You said leaning on the counter. "I wouldn't mind one." You heard Thor say "you know where the food is brother." Loki snarked turning his attention back to you "what are your plans today princess?" He asked mirroring your stance "I was going to ask you if you wanted to join me, they're hosting a new exhibit at the art museum today." You said wrapping your arms around his middle "I would love nothing more, go get ready I shall be right behind you." He said leaning down pecking your lips seeing you smile.

He watched you leave, turning his attention to Thor when he heard him laugh "is there something amusing brother?" Loki snarled glaring at him. "Not at all, I think it it quite sweet seeing you two." He smiled standing up "to think, the once dark prince of asgard brought to his knees by a mortal woman." He said walking around the kitchen island "so you intend to make jest on my behalf?" Loki snapped crossing his arms. "Not at all, I am very happy for you, I'm glad you found someone who could handle you." He smiled grabbing the bread. "Your mortal princess is quite the woman." He said "that she is." Loki said looking down the hall "now if you will excuse me my love awaits." He said following behind you.

And it was true, Loki would do whatever you asked of him, bend to your will...your every want and desire because he loves you. Loki has kneeled for no one, but for you he would gladly humble himself at your feet in a heartbeat. No one had ever held the prince's heart like you do, and everyone knew it. But Loki couldn't care less, because as long as you were happy, nothing else mattered. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, marry you, he wanted only you to be the mother of his children. He thought about proposing many times but his own insecurities would always best him. Would you want to marry someone like him, the man who tried to enslave your planet, the lunatic who attempted the take over of an entire realm...no, you deserved better then that...then him. So he pushed it aside, deciding to bask in your light for as long as you would allow it.

He walked into your shared room seeing you slipping your shoes on when both of your phones started ringing "shit, well have to go to the gallery tomorrow." You huffed throwing your phone on the bed "and we will love, I promise you." Loki said wrapping his arms around you "well, let's go see what the emergency is." You sighed, kissing his cheek you laced your fingers with his guiding him to the conference room. You sat listening to Steve drone on and on about the mission, where you were going until finally "ok, any questions?" He asked as everyone remained silent "Alright, we leave in ten." He said leaving the room. "Oh Mischief." You smiled turning in your chair "I may need some help getting into me suit." You winked seeing his cheeks pinken "anything for you my love." He said standing up hearing everyone groan "oh shut up" you snapped at everyone, grabbing Loki's hand you headed back to your room.

After ten minutes and a pretty intense make out session you both walked out onto the helipad "wow, that was fast. Old age getting to ya?" Tony snarked as you punched him hard on the arm "ouch! What was that for!" He yelled rubbing his arm "you will not speak to him like that." You growled stepping closer "and as far as his...adequacy should I tell you of the other night when he bent me over the..." You snarked "God no....sorry loki." Tony said shuffling inside. "Darling, you didn't have to." He trailed off as you leaned up kissing him deeply "no one speaks to my prince in such a way. Now come on let's find a seat." You said winking as you walked inside. He felt his heart flutter in his chest at your words, no one had stood up for him like that before. Maybe you did love him as much as he loved you....

"Hey firecracker, I could use a little help over here!" You yelled into the coms as another super soldier came barreling at you. You knew this mission was going to be hard, but you weren't expecting there to be this many of them, hydra really had bumped up their numbers. You were about to throw your dagger at him when you felt mjolnir fly past your head taking the man out. "Took you long enough." You huffed leaning over "my apologies my lady, I was a bit detained." He said summoning his hammer back to him. "Well next time..." you were cut off as an explosion rocked the building sending you and thor flying back, you head hitting the wall as parts of the ceiling came down landing over you "y/n! Are you alright!?" You heard Loki yell through the coms "loki...im...." you tried, your head throbbing as your vision darkened feeling yourself slump to the ground.

The next thing you saw were large pieces of rubble being pulled off of you "y/n! Where are you!?" You heard Loki's voice resonate through your mind "loki." You said squinting as the light slowly filtered through the cracks. You lifted your arm, sticking your hand through a small crack waving your fingers when you felt someone grab them "y/n, I'm here, just hold on." You heard loki say as he squeezed your hand before letting go, beginning to remove the rest of the rubble around you "Thor, help me!" He yelled, looking up squinting when a large chunk of concrete was shifted, light shining in your eyes making your head pound harder. "Darling, give me your hand." He said, looking up seeing Loki's panicked face looking back at you.

You reached up grabbing his hand as he pulled you up through the opening, looping his arm under your legs picking you up "loki, I'm fine I can walk." You said rubbing your temples, glancing down seeing your suit covered in dust and blood "hush love, I'm going to get you out of here." He said walking quickly around the rubble. "It wasn't that bad, I'm fi.." you were cut off as his eyes shot to yours "not that bad! What if...if you..." he trailed off looking ahead as he made his way back to the jet, laying you on the gurney you chose not to argue and laid back watching him take the seat next to you, keeping ahold of your hand as the others filed in.

You arrived back at the tower, being taken directly to med bay to be examined while Loki stood across the room, arms crossed not taking his eyes off of you. He hadn't said a word since you entered the jet, the silence was deafening as he stood watching you "ok y/n Your all set. Luckily you just have a few bumps and scrapes, as well as a minor concussion but nothing to worry about. Just get some rest and you'll be good as new." The doctor said smiling as he walked out. You looked up watching Loki unfold his arms, slowly walking towards you "come y/n, there is something I need to discuss with you." He said holding out his hand.

You hesitantly reached out, grabbing his hand as he interlocked his fingers with yours gently guiding you off the bed. "Loki, i.." he cut you off raising his other hand "we will talk when we get to our chambers." He said walking with you to your shared room, opening the door he waved you ahead as he followed, closing the door behind him. "Please sit love?" He said. You sat on the couch watching him pace back and forth. "Can you say something please?" You asked fidgeting with your fingers when he stopped and looked at you "I am sorry I was upset earlier, it was not your fault I just.." he trailed off sitting on the coffee table in front of you "love, i...I can't lose you." He said grabbing your hands. "I'm fine Loki. You heard the doctor." You said squeezing his hand "yes, but when I couldn't find you...I wasn't sure if you were taken or..." he trailed off again looking down

"Y/n, I do not have the words to tell you how much I love you." He said, sliding to his knees in front of you "I cannot spend another day of my life without making you mine." He said "but I am yours loki." You said watching him hold his hand out, a dagger appearing in a puff of green mist "my love, would you honor me and become my wife...my queen?" He asked gripping the dagger in his hand "i...I don't know what to say." You said feeling your eyes burn "say yes..." he smiled "y..yes! Of course yes!" You smiled, reaching forward wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling back kissing him.

"Love, there is something I would like to do, I know here on Midgard you exchange rings to your betrothed, on Asgard we perform what is called a binding, it will bond you and I together for eternity." He said watching you "would you allow me to perform the bond?" He asked "um...yeah...yes!" You said scooting forward watching him bring the dagger to his hair, pulling a lock to the side he cut though it holding it in his palm as he reached up to your hair behind your ear cutting through it placing it in his palm next to his. He grabbed you hand closing his fist around the two locks of hair "are you ready love?" He asked as you nodded. He closed his eyes, chanting something in a different language as his hand glowed green, opening his palm seeing two braids.

He grabbed one, reaching up behind your ear you felt the braid begin to knit into your hair making your scalp tingle. "It tickles." You laughed seeing him smile as he reached up doing the same with the other braid in his hair. You reached up running your fingers down it smiling "I will get you a ring as well, but in case anything happens to either of us the bond will lead us back to eachother." He said grabbing your hands. "Oh loki...I love you." You said leaning forward pressing your lips to his, you felt his arms wrap around you pulling you to him as you tilted his head deepening the kiss. You slid forward, straddling his lap joining him on the floor, your fingers running through his hair feeling his fingers crawl up your sides, finding the zipper of your suit, slowly sliding it down as his tongue swiped across your bottom lip, parting your lips you swirled your tongue with his, sealing your lips to his.

You moaned into his mouth feeling his cool fingers slip under your suit, slowly pushing it back sliding it down your shoulders. You pulled back, nipping his bottom lip looking into his eyes "loki...I need you." You panted, looking down at his leathers, dipping your finger under the hem at his neck "p..please Loki." You whispered when he closed his eyes, engulfing you both in a green light leaving you bare to eachother. You shivered feeling his fingers glide softly over a bruise on your side "are you sure? You are hurt my love." He said looking up at you "im fine loki." You said grabbing his shoulders "make love to me.." you whispered, pressing your forehead to his "please...loki." you said. "As you wish." He breathed. You wrapped your arm around his middle, the other gripping his hair holding him to you feeling his erection press against your thigh.

You lifted your hips as he reached between you, lining himself up "are you ready love?" He asked, moaning feeling his tip press against you "y..yes..please." You breathed, gently pressing your hips down, the need to feel him in you overwhelming. His arm snaked around your hips, pressing you to him as he guided himself to your entrance, his other hand gripping your hip as you slowly sank down onto him, spreading his knees wider opening you up more as he stretched you to your limit. "God...Loki..." you moaned, digging your nails into his back as he bottomed out. "Your God y/n...I am only...ahh...for you." He panted, holding his forehead to yours his fingers dug into your hips, guiding you up to his tip, his hips lifting to meet yours as you lowered back down.

You threw your head back, feeling his lips latch onto your neck, kissing down to your chest as he slowly thrust his hips up into you. "I...ahhh I love you..." you moaned, the feel of his cock rubbing against your walls making you clench around him. "I...mm...love you t..too..." he panted, his thrusts beginning to speed up as his fingers dug into your skin, adding to the collection of bruises that littered your skin. You tilted your head forward, kissing him deeply, your teeth grazing his lip as you rocked your hips to meet his "c..come with me love..let me...ahhh feel you." He moaned against your lips. You felt the tightening in your stomach, tugging his hair as you came hard around him, digging your nails into his back sure you would leave marks "l..loki!" You yelled, your orgasm washing over you, your vision blurring as the feeling overwhelmed you.

"C..come Loki...aahhh shit...give it all to me." You moaned feeling him twitch inside you as his thrusts became faster....harder. "y..y/n...i...." he groaned, thrusting up hard into you, holding your hips to his as he spilled inside you "h..Holy fuck..." he moaned, screwing his eyes shut laying his head on your chest. He slowly rocked into you, riding you through your highs as he lifted his head meeting your gaze "are you ok? That wasn't too much?" He asked pushing your hair back. "It was perfect...you are perfect." You smiled, gently kissing him. "Would you join me for a shower? I think we both need one." You laughed pulling small piece of concrete from his hair. "Of course my love, but I cannot promise to keep my hands to myself once this beautiful body is lathered in your soaps." He smiled. "I would expect nothing less..my king." You purred kissing his cheek hearing him groan "keep speaking like that and you won't make it to bathroom." He said sternly.

You leaned forward, kissing his neck under his ear "I'm counting on it" you whispered feeling him shiver. "You are playing with fire love." He growled making you shiver "I will gladly let it consume me." You breathed as he stood, wrapping your legs around his hips you grabbed onto his shoulders "allow me to feed the flames." He growled, his hands gripping your thighs as he walked towards the bathroom. "I love you my king." You said kissing his neck "and I love you, my queen." He said smiling up at you. You looked deep into his eyes knowing your were home in his arms.

@vbecker10 @mochie85 @lokisgoodgirl @springdandelixn @kinky-faerie @xorpsbane @midnights-ramblings @simping-for-marvel @holdmytesseract @kkdvkyya @slpnbty2001 @lokixryss @violethaze @coldnique @aniar4wniak @nate-ate-hate @buttercupcookies-blog @brattymum96 @dukes2581 @your-taste-on-my-lips @mybabyh @blog-the-lilly @irishhappiness @sinsandguilt @filthyhiddles @lovebyloki @kikster606 @javagirl328 @misunderstoodself @highkeysimpingforloki @eleniblue @commanding-officer @athalialaufeyson @stupidthoughtsinwriting @lokiandbuckysdoll @loopsisloops @joyful-enchantress @jaidenhawke @silverfire475 @high-functioning-lokipath @kittiowolf210 @slytherclaw1227 @joyfullymassivewhispers @wolfsmom1 @libbybeaz @lokikissesmyforehead @goblingirlsarah @thomase1 @vane28282

[texasjen13]

It's great that you have found happines being single but it's not the same for everybody I'm not saying that he's madly in love with her but I think the guy is trying and he daydream about a happy home, maybe he wants to recreate his childhood enviroment through his marriage? I agree with you though, he doesn't seem happy must of the time perhaps he had big expectations about his wife being loved and accepted by his fans therefore the opposite angers him or maybe he's slowly realising that he had a naive approach about married life and reality is settling in he's regreting his decision or even he knows that he doesn't have deep feelings for her but had decided to move foward and make it work despite everything, not everybody marries for love It can be so many reasons...

Anyways, I respect your opinion, Jen and agree that HW is a big illusion but human beings can be complicated too.😔

It was rushed that is the way I see it. I’m still saying PR and 99.9 % of time time my intuition is right.

She sees $$$ signs with him and so does everybody around her. I think even his brother is taking advantage of his kindness and Scott’s boyfriend.

I have bad feelings about people around him from that Jamie person to his brother and his boyfriend to his other famous friends who just want to be around him for free trips. To Justin. And 🐟 to her mom and Tara. All those people are giving me a bad vibe and who are out to see what they can get.

Because Scott doesn’t even post nothing sweet about his brother anymore! And that’s a red flag. I just see too many red flags with these people around here. I mean it’s obvious and people think that he’s in a good condition when he’s technically not.

His childhood ended up in a divorce. His dad left his mom when he was young he’s even said that in interviews.

His mom was left alone, raising four young children. While his dad basically played with the younger woman.

I’m seeing a toxic trait like if you’re in an abusive relationship or when you’re young and your dad hits your mom and you see that as a child, 9.99% of the time you may end up being an abuser.

I’m not saying all the time, because I had a younger cousin, who was in that position, and he ended up being a police officer and going into the Navy, and he’s not an abuser, even though he was around an abuser in his early childhood. My parents as his parents and they taught him what his abusive father couldn’t teach him and that’s why he became like a younger brother to me instead of a cousin so it’s like a repeated cycle until somebody make sure it stopped

[mortaltempless]

ours never knew peace, haladriel, soft-r

Artanis and Mairon meet in Valinor. Some things change, others...don't.

She was sat, a lock of her hair twirled around a pale finger, on a chair next to the fading embers of the fireplace. Her thin shift was translucent in the fading light, and her face was serious in a way that Mairon had become accustomed to of late. 

“You look like you’re deciding the fate of nations,” he prodded from the doorway. Artanis looked up at him and smiled weakly. 

“It has been a long day.”

He hummed in agreement as he came into her chamber and sat in the opposite chair. They had hardly seen each other for weeks, Artanis occupied with affairs far from Tirion. Even before that, his lover had been distant, less present than what he was used to. 

Mairon had spent her absence, not stewing, exactly, but rather contemplating. 

Artanis did not make a habit of involving him in her family affairs, so yes. 

It had taken him a while to understand.

“I saw your uncle today,” he told her, his voice filled with irony. Artanis played it off, offering a polite hum before turning her eyes rapidly to the fireplace. 

Mairon snorted.

“Did he look well?”

If he did not know his lover as well as he did, he would assume she was sincere in her question--a dutiful niece, asking after her brilliant uncle to the maia who perhaps saw him the most. 

Mairon raised an eyebrow and nodded.

“He was considerably more talkative than you,” he replied. Artanis looked away again, staring once more into the remnants of her fireplace.

He sighed. 

Of course he knew of Artanis’ enmity towards Feänor. Every soul in Valinor was aware of the dissent in the Noldorian ranks, and they had all long since made their decisions on who was the wronged party.

Few sided with the prideful princess.

“Aren’t you going to ask what he had to say?” he asked pleasantly. Finally, her eyes narrowed at him. Good, she was unwilling to be goaded. 

He had missed her suspicion of him. He might love her cries of pleasure, relish in her confidence in him, but part of Mairon missed the way she saw so little value in Aulë’s favourite servant. Getting under her skin was fun. 

He leaned forward in his chair, elbows on his knees. With a small flick of his wrist, the fire returned to life again. He grinned at her, but Artanis simply rolled her eyes at his theatricality. 

“Apparently he has renovation plans for your family’s beach palazzo,” he prodded. “New wing to the main building, perhaps a new lick of paint…”

He paused for dramatic effect.

“A new name on the deed,” he finished. Artanis stretched her legs before her in a feigned comfort. 

Yes, it had taken him a while to ascertain why, exactly, she had been so distracted lately. Why she insisted on being away so often, refusing to let him in to see her even in the dead of night when he knew no spying eyes were watching him enter her chamber. 

But he knew now.

Feänor cared little for leisure, but he loved reminding his brother who their family’s legacy belonged to. 

Mairon knew and cared little about how the elf-smith had teased the title for the palazzo from Finarfin’s grip, but he was aware the home held considerable value for Artanis.

Aegnor taught me to swim there. It holds good memories, and I want to go, she told him years ago on a night much like this one. Except, then she’d been naked and curled into his shoulder, her lips on his neck promising she’d return from the palazzo to him following her family’s absurd festival.

“You could have told me,” he said softly. Artanis sighed, standing and moving gracefully towards him. She draped herself in his lap, her legs softly bracketing his as his arms came around her. 

“It would have done little. My uncle is…a unique figure among our people,” she replied, a carefully hidden hurt creeping into her voice. Mairon’s hand smoothed down her back. He did not enjoy seeing her dejected.

Artanis was not meant to live in her uncle’s shadow. Not when her mind was as sharp, and her spirit so much lighter than the smith’s. 

But she was right, Feänor was untouchable.

“Perhaps,” the maia began, but then caught himself. Artanis was not the only one who kept secrets, and he knew her enough to understand why she would never consent to even listen to the one who called to him in the shadows.

Still, his lover prodded his shoulder. 

“What?” 

“Perhaps there are other ways to destroy an elf without a physical harm coming to him,” he finished. 

The words between them were barely spoken now, just filaments of language lying between their bodies like sticky spider webs.

Artanis considered.

“What do you mean?” she asked softly, her lips careful on his ear and his thumbs rubbing circles into her thigh. 

“Well, what makes your uncle great?”

Artanis paused and thought, her brow furrowing. Mairon pressed a light kiss to her jaw before her blue eyes flicked to his.

“His influence with grandfather,” she began and wound her arms around his neck, adjusting their bodies so their hips were flushed together. “and his genius.”

Mairon nodded, moving his hand under her shift so he could feel the bare skin of her back. He kissed her, opening her lips softly with his tongue. 

“What else?” he whispered against her once they parted. Artanis’ nimble fingers untied his own breeches, her soft hand reaching for his hardness as a small smirk appeared on her face.

“His skill as a smith,” she said, giving his cock a gentle pump. Mairon squinted at her teasing. She let out a breathy chuckle, putting her open mouth to the pulse point on his neck. “Well, you asked.”

Mairon patted her thigh, encouraging her to lift herself onto his cock. She let out a soft sigh as he entered her. 

“You don’t need to kinslay to deprive him of that,” he told her as he rocked her forward, her nails entering his shoulder as she gripped him with a pleasurable hum. 

“And then?” she whispered, her lips ghosting over his as she canted her hips in just the way he liked. 

“He won’t have a thing left to his name,” Mairon promised. Artanis gasped in pleasure. “He will be no more than a man.”

She rode him more forcefully, her blindingly bright hair clasped between his fingers to steady her as she reached between her own legs. 

“We will do this together?” she asked, her eyes pleading. He nodded silently.

“I will make enquiries,” he stuttered out, bucking his hips harshly up, causing Artanis to lose her rhythm. Her hiss was pleased, and she kissed him roughly, her hand spanning the front of his throat. “You are not the only one who would see the end of Feänor.”

[buckaroundandfindout]

how I know I grew up: civil war edition

When CA:CW first came out, I was def "team tony" bc I liked Tony Stark the most because he was snarky and funny and quippy and sarcastic I hadn't really gotten into the Cap movies (like, I saw them but hadn't really paid as much attention until Civil War).

When I did finally get into the Cap movies and then re-watched CA:CW, I realized I'd lived a lot of life that had taught me a few things the #1 of which being picking a team is pointless and getting "upset" at either Cap or Tony and taking a side is futile (for me, at least) and fully not the point, even from an in-world character perspective.

The TL;DR of it is that Steve is the guy we (probably) aspire to be: very strong moral compass, rock-solid conviction, always seems to know what's right and what he stands for, and fully will go die on that hill. He owns his failures even if they're big fuck up failures, and sees it all through to the end. He has truly incredible, breathtaking resilience. He will always, always, always keep trying. He stays his course and will keep on the path that moral compass shows him, come hell or high water. Not afraid to do the hard thing, especially if it's right. Doesn't really care what others think of him, weirdly, and is unconcerned with people pleasing in the face of doing the right thing. Phenomenally loyal friend who will go to the ends of the earth and war with half the planet for people he cares about, and still not leave those he falls out with hanging. Most people, I think, should want to be Steve Rogers (and by extension, Sam Wilson).

But then I look at the trajectory of my life, and I realize the reality is that I am way more like Tony-- continually going through cycles of making questionable-to-outright-BAD decisions with really good intentions, but that result in bad-to-catastrophic consequences, and then letting the obsessive guilt spiral swing you so hard the opposite direction that the overcompensation ends up usually resulting in such truly shitty collateral damage that makes you wonder if you were better off the first time around. But you can't seem to stop and so you just do your best, looking forward and not back, trying and failing and fucking up and stumbling through the mess of your best attempts to do just one good thing right and have it work out for once without nuking your life and losing most of your friends.

I think that's why it works so well, because in a weird way I think most people are "rooting" for both sides: we root for Cap because we want to BE him, we also empathize and want to see Tony succeed because we kind of are Tony.

The actual issues, the accords, etc., seem like they're just proxies to emphasize the conflict of the dynamic (one side being "standing your ground for your + what is effectively your minority group's personal freedom & autonomy as well as clearing the name of your framed best friend" and the other being "can we be trusted to be left to our own devices to make the 'right' choice when it has such high-stakes consequences? who even knows what is 'right' at all? …and can maybe someone else decide because the guilt around having it be my personal responsibility is starting to wring me out because I can't seem to stop fucking up and its eating me alive")

it's like… maybe not even about one VS the other, but more like you want this guy who is everything you aspire to be to come out on top to re-solidify your conviction in the kind of standards you try to live up to, but who we empathize with more bc it's more realistically as slice of ourselves-- we can't bear to see lose because that hits a little too fucking close.

or something, idk

[thedawningofthehour]

Yeah. About the Githel and comparing the two to an extent. My thing was about the lie and having to keep a secret from a child. But Yeah. Draxum is a lot better to Gale than Gothel was to Rapunzel. I know that Draxum cares about Gale a lot and the vine thing I think was being overprotective and not wanting to find out the secret. But he did feel bad by the next few scenes. And apologized. I just don't know how he deals with realizing he chained down essentially his own son. I don't think it’s well?

Alright, I'm going to use this to sort of air my feelings on Mother Gothel and how it influences doth. You're absolutely fine, you didn't annoy me or anything, I just have...kind of a lot of thoughts about it? Shit's complicated. (Also please actually read the whole thing through before you start getting mad because I promise I am not making the point you think I am)

One of the things that really bugs me when talking about Tangled is the insistence that Gothel didn't love Rapunzel. People do this a lot, claim an abuser can't 'really' love their victim if they're abusing them.

Which to me is a very dangerous line of thinking because it implies that the opposite is equally true, that someone can't be an abuser because they love the person they're abusing. And that can lead to people staying in abusive relationships, because their partner/family member/friend does love them. Yeah, they might. But not enough. Not how you deserve.

Let's start with who Rapunzel is in the scene we're properly introduced to her, on the eve of her eighteenth birthday. Rapunzel is intelligent, literate and knowledgeable of math and astronomy and highly skilled in a number of crafts. She's never met anyone else in her life, so obviously Gothel educated her. There was no reason for Gothel to do this. If anything, educating Rapunzel gave her the tools to question her mother and the stories she'd been told, as she later does. Gothel still taught her to read, still bought her books and a guitar and craft supplies, still celebrated birthdays and got her presents. This establishes right from the start that Gothel is willing to go out of her way for Rapunzel's happiness, even when there's no benefit for her.

Little examples of this are sprinkled throughout the story. Agreeing to go get the paints Rapunzel wants is a major one-Gothel had already won the argument, she had Rapunzel feeling responsible and guilty for their fight and there was no need for lovebombing. She outright states it's a long trip for the paints, she's established that Rapunzel fucked up and possibly isn't deserving of a birthday gift-but she doesn't use that. She picks up and goes to get her daughter the one nice thing she wants for her birthday. For no reason other than Rapunzel asked for it. Even at the end of the movie, the thing Rapunzel offers to Gothel to allow her to heal Eugene is their relationship back. Gothel kept the royal army from finding Rapunzel for nearly two decades; she's smart enough to keep Rapunzel imprisoned until her will was broken. She doesn't need Rapunzel's cooperation. She wants Rapunzel back as her daughter.

And please do not think I am using any of this to make excuses for Gothel or saying she's actually a good person, because I very much am not. This circles back to Mikey's comment in the latest chapter, how Draxum's love for Donnie should have changed him. Because if Gothel truly loved Rapunzel with everything a mother loves her child, then that should have changed her too. She should have been greatly conflicted on allowing Rapunzel out to see the lights, her fear and possessiveness over Rapunzel battling with the knowledge that Rapunzel is lonely, socially stunted, that she's missing out on all the experiences she deserves to have out there in the world. She should feel guilty for her decision to keep Rapunzel entirely hidden away, maybe not to the point of actually changing her mind but it should have caused her some anguish. She should want these things for Rapunzel, for her to be able to have friends and study and become a professional artist, even if she knows that it could realistically never happen. She should have thought, at least once in those eighteen years, that she should tell Rapunzel the truth.

She never does. She never doubts what she's doing for a moment, even when it hurts Rapunzel. Because even though some part of her does love Rapunzel, Gothel loves her youth more.

That's the trap with abusers who love you. It's not that they can't love you if they're abusing you, it's that if they're abusing you, they love something else more. Maybe that something else is the feeling of power and control they get by abusing you. Maybe it's their own comfort that they love more, their unwillingness to critically examine themselves and seek help and ultimately change their behavior. Whatever it is, they are putting it before their love for you, and it's overriding everything that love is telling them to do. Gothel loved Rapunzel. But she was so much more in love with herself that she was wholly incapable of even considering Rapunzel's needs before her wants.

So now we get back to Draxum, and ask the question of if Draxum would do the same. And that's impossible to answer because for Draxum, his love for Galois and the reason he kidnapped Donnie are so wholly intertwined.

Like, I suppose you could make the argument that the King and Queen of Corona wouldn't truly understand what the power of the sundrop flower meant and what would be necessary to protect Rapunzel, that showing her off as princess and eventual queen would be advertising her power and putting a giant target on her back, (I mean, people would definitely realize something was up with the immortal queen whose court was never ill and seemed to recover from serious injuries overnight) but let's be real-if Gothel's priority was keeping Rapunzel safe, she could have just shown up and offered to work with the King and Queen and their guard to assure the princess's safety. Not to mention Gothel's original plan was just to take a lock of hair and leave Rapunzel with her parents. But this doesn't extend to the situation in doth. Draxum is 100%, wholly convinced that the Yokai will be entirely wiped out in a few decades. A century at most. He truly believes that if he hadn't kidnapped Donnie, then Donnie would have died young. He would have lived a miserable life in hiding, facing persecution and taunted with the things he couldn't have purely because of what he is, and then would have died violently and possibly painfully at barely a fraction of his natural lifespan. And then he'd be forgotten, except as one of the 'mutant monsters' that humanity cleansed, who he was and what he could have accomplished erased.

Sure, he didn't love Donnie when he kidnapped him. But he loves Galois now. And his love might drive his guilt, his self-hatred and conflicted feelings on what to allow him and tell him, but it can never drive his doubt. Draxum cannot doubt what he's doing for one moment, because what he's doing needs to be done if Galois is going to have the life he deserves. If he stepped back, told Galois the truth and allowed him to return home-that's it, he needed Donnie's big brain for all this, he ran projections to make sure he really had to do this and there was literally no way he could accomplish what he needed to do without Donnie. His revolution will fail, the humans and the Council of Heads will rush in, there's a very good chance Galois would lose his head right alongside Draxum-and even if not, the humans would kill him soon anyway. Gothel's love for youth and beauty completely overtook her love for Rapunzel, to the point that it effectively didn't matter because she would never hesitate to choose herself. Draxum's desire to conquer the surface and his love for Galois are at a head, and his love cannot win because every bit of love he has for his son drives up the opposing score. He could never choose one or the other because he could never choose anything that stood opposite of his love for his son, but it's because he loves his son that he's still doing this.

Would that be different in a world where the safety and liberty of Yokai and mutants is assured? In a world where Draxum has already succeeded and no longer needs Galois, but wants to remain his father? Is Draxum's position and legacy worth keeping from Galois the truth he so rightfully deserves to know? Would his desire to maintain what he has with his son overrule his desire for his son to be happy, even if that happiness comes at the expense of Draxum's?

Well. That's something Draxum thinks about every night.

[astroesther]

LIVE AND DIRECT! MERCURY IN ARIES

Mercury is in Aries from March 10 - May 15, 2024.

*All photos were taken by me in Copenhagen.

When Mercury moves into Aries on the same day as the Pisces new moon, it creates a unique blend of energies. These two different yet powerful forces seem to counterbalance each other. The Pisces New Moon provides a sense of tranquility, immersing us in a dreamy and relaxed state of mind. Conversely, the fiery nature of Mercury in Aries has the opposite effect, stimulating our senses and making us alert, similar to the jarring sensation of an alarm going off at 6 am.

During this period, it might feel as though you are disconnected and struggling to adapt, almost as if you're living within a virtual reality. It's akin to those vivid dreams that blur the line between fantasy and reality. Your perception of things might seem distorted or skewed, so it's crucial to take your time. Do not rush to conclusions without first gathering all the facts and understanding the complete picture.

Mercury in Aries often signals a time of accelerated communication. Social media activity may increase, and messages may start hurtling in at a rapid pace. It's as if your wifi connection, which was previously down or weak, suddenly restores itself and springs back to life just as quickly as it had disappeared.

On a more personal note, my Wifi has been down for nearly two weeks, which has been incredibly frustrating since I rely heavily on it for virtually everything. The intermittent silence and lack of connectivity create a level of fear and unease in me that I’d rather not experience!

However, every cloud has a silver lining. In the absence of the constant hustle and bustle of life and the incessant distractions, I found some much-needed time and space to introspect and reflect upon my own thoughts. This period of downtime allowed me to rejuvenate my astrology writing practice and discover new creative projects to pursue. Looking back, I realize that this period of inactivity was, in fact, immensely valuable for me.

This experience has taught me to appreciate the downtimes, like those quiet moments in tube tunnels when there's nothing else to do but think. Or even better, to try not to harbor any terrible thoughts.

Speaking of terrible thoughts, they can be quite intrusive, right? However, with Mercury in Aries, they won’t linger for long. This period prompts us to question our thought patterns—what area of our lives is demanding assertive attention? How can we address these issues to create a healthier and more harmonious balance in our lives?

Remember, this period is a time for growth and self-improvement. Embrace it with an open mind and a willing heart.

READ FOR YOUR SUN AND RISING SIGN

Pisces

The transit might pose a challenge for you, especially considering your self-sacrificing nature. The sudden need to prioritize your desires and needs might seem out of sync with your usual demeanor. More importantly, you might struggle to identify what these needs are. This period may make you feel uncomfortable, nudging you to take center stage, focus exclusively on yourself, and make decisions without seeking the input of others.

Aries

With Mercury being in your sign for a few months, expect a transformational period. It's as if you're setting old burdens on fire, a symbolic act of releasing and purification. This period will allow you to let go of the past and welcome the future. As self-doubt makes way for confidence, you'll find yourself ready to embrace the new phase of your life.

Taurus

Much like Aries, you too are undergoing a significant metamorphosis. It's a time of change and growth, symbolized by the butterfly emerging from the chrysalis, the snake shedding its skin, or the bear ending its hibernation. Mercury, the messenger, is streaking across the sky with a chariot and flame, lighting up your life. This celestial illumination will help you destroy what's unnecessary, making room for reinvention.

Gemini

This season might bring a somber mood, making you feel low and self-reflective. Despite being the trendsetter and early adopter of the zeitgeist, you might feel lonely at the top. Your elevated confidence might highlight others' limitations, leading to potential jealousy and discord.

Cancer

As this season squares your planets, it may not be particularly enjoyable for you. Prepare yourself for complex conversations and strive to express your feelings in a way that respects the other person. It's crucial to see other people's perspectives, especially when their values don't align with yours. Strive to find the common ground where everyone is allowed to be as they are, not as you want them to be.

Leo

Expect a eureka moment, as this period brings innovation and luck your way. Things will move quickly as you align with love and joy. Tune into your intuition and be ready to act swiftly. A rain of ideas is about to pour down, signalling a fertile and creative period in your life. Mercury in Aries is set to bolster your dreams and aspirations.

Virgo

Mercury, your ruler, is in Aries and might not offer the comfort you desire. You're used to Mercury's energy in mutable or earth signs, so its presence in the cardinal fire sign could be unsettling. The sudden shift from rational Pisces to unpredictable Aries might make you feel out of control with your thoughts.

Libra

The current planetary placement opposes your sign but could be advantageous if you need to assert yourself. Remember, a partnership is about two equal individuals coming together, not one person bending over backwards. Maintain your boundaries and ensure balance in all your relationships. It's time to uphold the equilibrium represented by your scales.

Scorpio

This transit brings your co-ruler into the spotlight, making it a favourable time for you. It's almost like celebrating your birthday. Things will start to move your way, with less struggle and more ease, allowing you to plan for your near future. Reflect on the past six months, set goals for the next six, and channel your energy towards the future you envision.

Sagittarius

Rest is the keyword for you at this time. If you're feeling run down or experiencing a low mood, it's a sign that your body and mind are begging for a break. Use this downtime to address any unresolved issues or discomforts. Uncomfortable truths may surface during this period, allowing you to move forward with greater clarity and understanding.

Capricorn

This Mercury period might bring turbulence for you, but remember, you're built to weather the storm. Express your needs and feelings to others, ensuring they understand your expectations. If you're finding it hard to let go of others' burdens, it might be time to seek help. Remember, reaching out for assistance is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Aquarius

Although this transit aligns harmoniously with your house, Mercury in Aries is nudging you to be more assertive. It's time to step up to the plate and let your voice be heard. Your opinion matters, so don't hesitate to express it. During this time, focus on recognizing and leveraging your strengths rather than dwelling on your weaknesses.

[seatsaverheartbreaker]

The BatFam as Reputation Tracks

In anticipation of the re-recording of Taylor’s best (controversial opinion I know) album, here’s my take on which Reputation track would the bird/bat/cat anthems.

…Ready For It? - Stephanie Brown

A dramatic start to the album.

“Are you ready for it?” In Taylor’s smug tone is so Stephanie Brown coded.

“No one has to know, in the middle of the night, in my dreams, you should see the things we do” you can’t convince me that Steph doesn’t love kicking ass and being a badass hero, to the point of dreaming about her alter ego.

“Are you ready for it? Oh are you ready for it? Let the games begin, let the games begin.” Is such a cocky way for Steph to hype herself up to go out on patrol and cause some chaotic messes within Gotham.

I Did Something Bad - Damian Wayne

Okay seems obvious, being an ex assassin and all but hear me out.

“I don’t regret it one bit because he had it coming” feels like something Damian would absolutely use against Bruce to validate making a hard decision within the field, but also as an excuse for threatening to stab Tim for touching his sword.

“You gotta leave before you get left. I can feeling the flames on my skin, he says ‘don’t throw away a good thing’” feels like an instance where Damian’s abandonment issues and insecurities and self-doubt would kick in and he’d try to run away from the Manor. Dick would catch him trying to sneak out, leant back against the living room’s door with a raised brow and a brotherly expression. Of course Dick would tell him not to throw away his chance at a real family, one that loves him, and would help him seek the redemption Damian wanted.

“They say I did something bad, then why’s it feel so good?” Could refer to later when Damian starts to settle within the family, rethinking the ways he had been taught by Talia to see attachments as weakness. How could they be something bad if they brought him joy and love.

Don’t Blame Me - Bruce Wayne

The OG drama queen to the family has to get a dramatic song. This whole song represents the alter ego of Batman as a whole and you can’t convince me otherwise

“Don’t blame me, love made me crazy” his love for his parents, and his loss of them, made him just crazy enough to start dressing up as a bat and beating up bad guys.

“Just play things for me to use” could refer to his playboy behaviours but it could also refer to his cat and mouse game he plays with his villains too.

“My name is whatever you decide, and I’m just gonna call you mine” applies both to his relationship with Selina Kyle, but also his relationship to Gotham as a whole. He’s fine to be called whatever they want to, but that was his city and he will continue to protect it.

“Echoes of your name inside my mind. Halo, hiding my obsession” Bruce hides behind the Batman mantle, using the inherit goodness of it to further his obsession with the Joker and his need for revenge.

Delicate - Selina Kyle

Something about this song literally gives slinky catsuit vibes, I can’t describe why. A secret relationship due to reputations and alter ego? Sounds familiar.

“My reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me” Bruce saw more than just the cat burglar Selina started out as, seeing past her actions.

“We can’t make any promises, now can we babe. But you can make me a drink” is so Bruce and Selina coded it’s almost insane. They couldn’t exactly take their relationship very far due to their polar opposite alter egos’ morals. But Bruce could make her a drink.

“Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs. Stay here, honey, I don’t want to share. ‘Cause I like you” Bruce was a playboy, Selina knew that. But she really did like the billionaire underneath it all. And she wasn’t the type to share her play toys anyways.

Look What You Made Me Do - Jason Todd

I know it was obvious but I could really see Jason listening to this song as his pre-hype for patrol, loving the drama of it deep down. Every verse in this applies to his life in one way or another, with “look what you made me do” being aimed at The Joker and the criminal and Bruce.

“I don’t like your little games, don’t like your tilted stage, the role you made me play of the fool…” would be spat with pure venom at the thought of the Joker and what he did to turn Jason into the Red Hood.

“I got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined. I check it once then I check it twice.” You can’t tell me that Jason doesn’t have his own list that he ticks off as he tackles the criminal underground. It would totally be the same shade of red as his helmet too, the drama queen.

“The world moves on, another day, another drama but not for me. Not for me. All I think about is karma and the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure; baby, I got mine but you’ll all get yours” is such a Red Hood verse. While everyone got over Jason’s death, moved onwards after the second Robin, Jason was still back there buried, resurrected, left feeling an immense amount of anger and resentment. Towards Bruce for replacing him. To The Joker for murdering him. To everyone who had wronged him at one point or another. But it was okay, because he was going to help them get the karma they deserved what they did. They would all get what was coming for them.

Dancing with Our Hands Tied - Cassandra Cain

Okay this one was so hard. Besides the obvious of Cass being a dancer [I literally can’t remember if this is cannon honestly], I think this song represents her background and her need to prove herself.

“Dancing with our hands tied” could refer to her pulling punches due to her background of being raised an assassin, trying not to go too far when she first became Batgirl.

“I’m a mess but I’m a mess that you wanted” Bruce saw her potential and aided her to do the good she wanted to do. He took her into his family voluntarily even though she had made mistakes within her past, and was raised to do bad.

“People started talking, putting us through our paces, I knew there was no one in the world who could take it, I had a bad feeling” could refer to people viewing her purely as a weapon versus Bruce’s idea that she could be more. It surely raised some self doubt within Cass that maybe she couldn’t be more than what she was born to be, maybe she would always be someone who hurt people.

There’s a quiet powerfulness to this song that I think represents Cass.

Dress - Dick Grayson

Arguably one of Taylor’s horniest songs, which seems suiting for Playboy 2.0. There’s an underlining romance to it which I feel represents Golden Boy, and is totally related to his relationship with Babs.

“Our secret moments in a crowded room, they’ve got no ideas about me and you” Bruce and Dick would attend galas and charity events and Wayne Enterprise events and nobody would know that the pair were vigilantes.

“My hands are shaking from holding back from you.” Is such a Dick Grayson move. You can’t tell me this man wouldn’t have the shakiest hands when it gets down to it.

“Everyone thinks that they know us, but they know nothing about…” His alter ego was secret, his relationship was secret. Everyone thought they knew Golden Boy Dick Grayson but they didn’t know past the flash suits and the charismatic smile. The scars, the trauma, the things hidden behind steady hands in public and shaky hands in private.

“Flashback to my mistakes, my rebounds, my earthquakes, even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me” applies not only to Barbara, and Bruce, and his whole family really, but also to the city that loved Nightwing so much.

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things - Tim Drake

I love this little gremlin, but you can’t tell me he doesn’t blast this after someone diverts from his plans while on missions. His plan or the pettiness that may ensue. Riddled with resentment (unconscious I’m sure) and pettiness, and it kinda feels like it was written while on a coffee high???

“So why’d you have to rain on my parade? I’m shaking my head and locking the gates” he would absolutely sulk in his room afterwards, finding Jason crashing into the mission a headache and a half since the Red Hood didn’t follow instructions.

“This is why we can’t have nice things” is such a mumbled response to anything to do with his family. Dick broke the chandelier trying to show off some acrobatic trick? Jason put bullet holes in all of Bruce’s suits? Damian and Titus let Batcow out to run awry within the Manor? Stephanie hacked his twitter? This is why we can’t have nice things.

“Here’s to my baby, he ain’t reading what they call me lately” is a huge shoutout to Bernard who ignored the articles on Red Robin being caught napping on the high rise of Wayne Enterprise.

Call It What You Want - Barbara Gordon

This song is all about coming back from the lowest point.

“My castle crumble overnight, I brought a knife to a gun fight” offft this song could be so representative of Babs after what occurred with the Joker. She went from Batgirl to being a victim again, a hard thing to settle into.

“All my flowers grew back as thorns, windows boarded up after the storm, he built a fire just to keep me warm” Dick was by her side through it all, waiting in the hospital at her bedside for her to wake up. And he stayed by her side, helping light hope within her again.

“I recall late November, holding my breath, slowly I said you don’t need to save me” The fire itself turning into her becoming Oracle, taking back her power and continuing to fight for what she knew was right.

New Year’s Day - Alfred Pennyworth

This song feels very sentimental to me. It reminds me of the love Alfred showed and held for the whole Batfam, even when they weren’t at their best and made mistakes. It reminds Alfred of his memories of all of them growing up, the moments that were sparkling and filled with joy.

“But I stay when you’re lost, and I’m scared that you’re turning away” Dick would still relay on Alfred for advice, showing up with his chipper grin and a store bought cake as if he had to repay Alfred for raising him. As if he needed to repay such a thing. And Alfred would give him full attention, weighing in as a father would to his second ward.

“I want your midnights” And Alfred never minded patching up Bruce after midnight, never questioned Cass taking up the kitchen table to eat cereal early into the morning.

“You squeezed my hand three times in the back of the taxi” Cass would still reach for Alfred’s hand when he dropped her at her dance recitals, squeezing tightly with her smile before leaving him to join the audience.

“Hold onto the memories and I will hold onto you.” Jason would miraculously show up in the Wayne Manor library one night, caught by Alfred who would sit with him into the early hours of the morning. Even in the silence, Alfred didn’t want Jason left wondering if he had a place within that house. He always did, no matter his mistakes.

“Please don’t ever become a stranger who laugh I could recognise anywhere.” Was something Alfred never wanted to happen to his family. While they might not all live within the Manor, he still encouraged them to return home. He loved that family more than he could put into words.

Special Mention

Getaway Car - Harley Quinn

This song is Harley’s emancipation anthem and you can’t convince me otherwise.

“I wanted to leave him, I needed a reason” The Batman gave her that reason, seeing how their cat and mouse game represented love to the Joker more than Harley’s affections ever did.

“Think about the place where you first met me.” Has a whole new meaning now.

“It was the great escape, the prison break. The light of freedom on my face, but you weren't thinkin' and I was just drinkin'. While he was runnin' after us, I was screamin', "Go, go, go!" But the three of us, honey, it’s a sideshow and the circus ain’t a love story” side eye. What was that about the Bats obsession with the Joker? Harley always saw it, she just didn’t know how deep it really went. Until he abandoned her to drown within their getaway car, being rescued by The Bat himself.

“Ridin' in a getaway car. I was cryin' in a getaway car. I was dyin' in a getaway car. Said goodbye in a getaway car.” Her love and affections for The Joker was her Getaway Car and she had finally said goodbye to it. She betrayed him to the Bat and switched sides, not quite a hero but no longer a villain.

[lanistas]

Omg I love Babylon 5, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!!

Hiiiii! Thank you for asking, I can talk about Babylon 5 for days 😃 (This is probably going to be a very long and chaotic post, but please bear with me 😅)

My most vivid memory of Babylon 5 is me crying my eyes out in February 2017, when I watched the final episode of season 5. My mom walked in on me in the kitchen, ugly sobbing and struggling for breath, and, well, my mom was very concerned for my well-being, to put it mildly lol.  And I guess this perfectly illustrates my relationship with this show. The story, the characters, the themes and motifs that Babylon 5 dared to explore influenced my psyche and became an integral part of me, and I was super not ready to let go when it was time to watch “Sleeping in Light”.

Like with any other show that I adore, it’s very difficult for me to explain which aspects of said show I like in particular. As I am first and foremost a shipper when it comes to watching and analysing tv shows, John Sheridan and Delenn of Mir were the main reason why I decided to start Babylon 5, and John/Delenn remain one of my most beloved OTPs up until this day. However, once I started properly watching this show and understanding it better, I realised that Babylon 5 is not only a shipper’s paradise, but also an incredibly well crafted and coherent show, a true masterpiece when it comes to weaving a compelling and logically consistent story. To add to the gradually developing plot, every character has their role to play, and each character is well written, complex, and important to the narrative. John, Delenn, Susan, Michael, Londo, G’Kar, Lyta, Marcus, and so many others – all of them taught me important lessons and helped me overcome real life struggles. They taught me courage, compassion, honor, but also they taught me that nobody's perfect, that both human and non-human beings can make stupid decisions, can take a wrong turn, may be difficult and insufferable, but it doesn't mean that the world is beyond saving. In fact it means quite the opposite, and that's what the characters in this show prove to the audience time and time again.

One more thing that I love about Babylon 5 is the fact that it doesn’t shy away from discussing difficult topics, very often mixing sci-fi concepts with philosophy, psychology, cultural studies, and even religion. As someone who studied intercultural communication at university, I cannot help coming back to Babylon 5 and choosing scenes and moments from different episodes that I can analyse from that perspective. Moreover, Babylon 5 managed to masterfully comment on politics, political institutions, and various types of conflicts, which also impresses me and makes me adore Babylon 5 even more.

All in all, I want to say a huge ‘thank you’ to J. Michael Straczynski, to the cast and the crew of this show for bringing Babylon 5 to life. I will never shut up about it, and I will never stop recommending Babylon 5 to people 😄

[granjagranja2]

My OC's thoughts on "btd 2" and "tpof"

I thank everyone who read and voted for my OC on Wattpad "interlude between the ending 'you helped Ren' and Tpof" (despite all my grammar and spelling errors, English not being my first language. In the future I will try to correct them). Studying the various paths and endings, I thought it was possible even following that ending. All the trauma and abuse he has suffered, all the things he has been forced to do.... they are not things that can be overcome immediately and Ren has suffered them for years. Another important factor is that Ren adapts and learns very quickly, which is why he changes his mind so suddenly, first he wants to keep you and then kill you, and the opposite. Plus at 18-21 you're still relatively young. Even the family context from which he comes was violent (his mother killed his brothers) so much so that he fled to another country. Strade had control over everything and that's why he was the "strongest". It was he who decided whether to give or take away, who took care of the "pet". When he was slaughtered he became weak, and the "status quo" was destabilized. He became weak and Ren vented all his anger at him, then took charge, as he taught him and make it a thing of him (tpof). Because that's how the world works... right? With pain and sex. Both extremes. Among all that torture and death.... comes M/C. Something sweet in his life, someone "pure", the only one who understood him. He received kindness from M/C, comfort, and he cared for M/C, consoled her (most likely defended her too). This made him feel strong, to come out of his weak state, to have someone he could have full power over. What he learned isn't so easily forgotten and you were the only thing that made him feel good. In fact in the finale "he won't let you die", he says that he doesn't have to worry about him, not anymore. The past is the past. But it fixates on you. He may also have misinterpreted your "now you have me". Do you agree. You are of him. He won't lose you again. He will never let you go. I think the same sequel is possible even in endings where M/C is dominant. Then whether he died, he understood the monster he was and ran away (same decision Ren made in one of the endings), or even that they are partners/lovers. M/C is not Strade and he may have used different techniques. Regarding M/C, I don't think she had a happy life before meeting Ren and Strade. Normally you are not so friendly with a murderer that she chained you up and put an electric collar around her neck. Maybe she previously had dysfunctional relationships of some kind and is too nice, or maybe she already knew Ren and understands him a little (theory where M/C is the prisoner of Btd 1).

Thanks again for reading and I would appreciate know about your opinions as well ('v')

[liaromancewriter]

What did you think about the Esme/Levi storyline in book 2? It was supposed to mimic the Mrs. Martínez storyline in book 1 and test how MC would react to her intern being involved in a similar scenario. However, there are several differences:

1. MC owned up to what she did and even came clean to Ethan about it. She did stay silent about it with Ines and Zaid at first which is fairly similar to what Esme was doing after the incident. In addition, I understand why Esme kept quiet since in her case there was much more at stake since if she accepted she did it on purpose, she would have committed a serious crime (not that stealing a drug sample from a top pharmaceutical company wasn’t a big deal, in fact I think MC got off easy from this one😅)

2. We were forced to make a big decision without ever knowing what happened. Even if you cultivate a good relationship with Esme and she trusts you, she never comes clean to MC. It would have been a great opportunity to make your choices count in the sense that if you were a good mentor to Esme, she tells you the truth and if not, she leaves you hanging. Instead, all we know for sure is that she accepted that Levi did ask her for help to end his life, but nothing more.

3. Harper wouldn’t allow Ethan to testify for MC on the first book because of his blatant favoritism, but suddenly MC’s word seals the deal when it comes to Esme’s fate even though they could very well be just as (if not more) biased. I understand this is main character privilege, but it makes little sense within the plot.

In the end, I chose to have her back and say it was an accident, but this whole storyline had lots of loose ends and didn’t set well with me. I was curious to know your opinion. Sorry for the essay, I just have a lot of thoughts about this in particular.

Btw, your stories are awesome and Cassie is awesome 💖

I love essays, especially about Open Heart, so I don't mind. lol

I wholeheartedly agree that the Esme/Levi storyline was meant to be a parallel. At the same, in all three books, there is a storyline about doctors having to make (or not make) impossible choices for their patients not certain what the outcome will be. In this respect, medicine is one profession where it is about life or death.

The difference between MC and Esme is that physician-assisted suicide is illegal in many states, including Massachusetts. So, if Esme (or anyone) deliberately helped Levi die, it would be considered murder under the state penal laws.

In comparison, what MC did was an ethical infraction. They did full research on the cure, requested permission through official channels, presented the pros and cons to Mrs. M, including the mortality chances. In the end, Mrs. M made the decision, knowing the risks, as was her right as a patient. MC stealing the cure and administering it without attending oversight (required for interns) was the issue.

I do believe Harper wouldn't let Ethan testify in book 1 because she knew he had personal feelings for MC, not just friendly ones regardless of if you romance him or not. Also, he is not MC's official mentor (even he says he's not their mentor in book 1 but that changes by the end of book 2). In Esme's case, MC is officially her mentor and therefore their opinion holds sway.

In my playthroughs, Cassie either is a friendly mentor or a professional one, never the harsh one. That's not her style. Majority of the time, I pick the friendly options as those are true to who she is (and, as she says, she wants the opposite of how she was taught). She also leads by example. As a result, Esme is more open about her struggles with Levi's care and her helplessness. In the professional scenario, Esme is more ambivalent.

You are correct though, Esme is never fully honest about what happened, and we will likely never know. At the same time, if you think about her background (DACA, parents scooped up in an ICE raid), she has never been in a position to trust authorities or that people would have her best interests if she was truthful.

Incidentally, if you don't back Esme, you find out in the final chapter that the police/DA searched through her life and found zero proof about her involvement. To me, that means she was not directly responsible. However, she will never know if she was negligent because she was distracted. I do think that was the lesson from that plotline: sometimes there are no clear cut answers in medicine.

In my hc, Cassie and Esme remain close throughout their life. When Esme finishes her residency and leaves Edenbrook, Cassie is happy to help her in anyway she can. Like Naveen was a mentor to Ethan all his life, Cassie is one for Esme.

When Cassie and Ethan open their own private medical and research center, she poaches Esme. The latter is more than happy to be back working with Cassie and helping the community.

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[softpine]

Ok I know this sounds bad but man…I find Elaine kind of annoying? Like, she does come off as very immature to me and it’s bothersome to see so many people translate that into innocence and…blindly defend her (especially the Austin haters). Elaine has flaws. She’s nosy. She doesn’t know when to stop. She doesn’t think far ahead. Yes, she is kind and funny and seems very sweet…but she’s flawed. I just wish people would look at her more critically like they do with Austin instead of trying to make her into a “perfect victim”. I’m blowing up Austin haters with my mind.

tbh... for every 1 austin hater there are 3 people condemning an austin hater. he's not getting nearly as much hate as people think he is jfksjds but the beauty of literary analysis is that everyone connects to different characters, so i'm not going to try to change your mind (i wouldn't want to even if i could, your interpretation is your own), i just want to share my thought process!

re: elaine having flaws. i agree!! i put a lot of care into making sure that each character has their own issues. i'm glad you see flaws in elaine, because they're there to create conflict. she is immature. sometimes her actions are completely unjustified, because my goal is to humanize every character, not to either endorse or denounce their actions. humans make confusing decisions when emotions are involved. another thing i do is put characters together who have flaws that will multiply in each others' presence. elaine is trusting and naive to a fault, she'll dig her nails into something before she lets it slip from her fingers, she's insecure in every way, and she has a very specific, fairy tale-esque view of her life, which she'll try desperately to make fit even when it doesn't work. she's 17 and she acts 17. austin is the opposite: he's realistic to a cynical degree, he thinks his life is shit and it will always be shit, but he's confident (sometimes annoyingly so) in his own abilities, and he has very little patience for trying to figure people out; tell it to him straight or he won't even try to understand. he's 18 but he's acted like an adult all his life. each of their flaws, which on their own wouldn't be so drastic, are compounded when they're together. austin himself is aware of their differences:

when previously, austin thought it was cute how elaine could be endlessly whimsical and care so deeply about other people, now he's wondering if maybe those traits are born from a lack of self identity. elaine interprets it as austin thinking she's "stupid" when that isn't the case – "stupid" is how elaine feels about herself. i also think it's important to note that austin knew exactly who elaine was when he asked her out. he likes her personality and that includes her flaws. (i don't want to go too far into detail because after just 1 more scene you'll hear it from his own mouth). it's only in moments of conflict that these personality traits take on a negative connotation.

the same concept can be applied to the scene we just saw. elaine's flaws (being too nosy, taking things personally when they have nothing to do with her) are compounded due to stevie's flaws (closing herself off out of fear, every emotion feels BIG because she was never taught how to deal with them). suddenly, elaine's interest in stevie's relationship is a bad thing, when previously stevie joked about it and had no problem with her meddling. let's be real, stevie and matt NEVER would've dated for as long as they did if it weren't for elaine's meddling. there were no consequences for those actions in the past (stevie never told her to stop) so she didn't even see it as a flaw. it's only now she's re-thinking everything.

my point with all this is that of course elaine has flaws. i don't feel that the narrative gives any extra credence to her flaws than the other characters. you will never hear me say that elaine is without fault, but she deserves just as much understanding and sympathy as austin does. they're both so very young, they have their whole lives to learn and grow 💖

[missnobodymadness]

I'm so damn bored and feeling such a strong desire to share some OC stuff so I decided to share some of my favorite quotes from my characters because why not? I feel like it also helps me finding some motivation to finally start writing again.

Feel free to share this or make a similar post with your OC's quotes as well, I'd love to read them. :3 (English is not my first language btw, sorry about any possible errors)

Anyway, I'm starting with my favorite girl, Myline.

Myline (Naruto and Boruto)

"Don't give me the privilege speech when you are all living up there exploiting those who stand below you, not once did I felt any privilege or pleasure in serving your opressive system and I will never bow to it. Take my words as you wish, they will only feel like a threat if you perceive them as such, so, how it's gonna be?" - To Darui and A during the invasion of Amegakure arc (not a canon arc).

Aisha (MCU)

"Whenever a scientist finds a cure to something, companies will take advantage of them and sell it to you for the price of your soul, lives weren't meant to have a price tag, you can't play God and decide who is gonna live based on who is wearing Prada and that's what motivates me to keep fighting for a world where science and technology will become a right instead of a luxury"

Evelyn (AOT)

"Dang, this sucks...I've been told that I always make bad decisions all my life, maybe I should've listened before it became an habit, guess this is gonna be the last time I make one...Sasha must be feeling really lonely up there though..." - She thinks to herself as Jean and Pieck run in the opposite direction, both looking confuse on why she wasn't doing the same, she then looks at the sky one last time and run towards Reiner and the warhammer titans.

Masha (TWD)

"While most people hate what is left of this world, I've finally found myself in it and I am enjoying every second of it"

Mybuza (Boruto)

"I hope that someday people will look at me as a ninja ready to sacrifice my life for them instead of just the daughter of a terrorist"

Luna (Pokémon)

"Power is fame and fame is made of power"

Now the ferals from my original story, Cursed Scars.

Sahamara

“If you can’t stand the meaning of a true scar, then you can’t stand life” 

Dakarai (This son of a... >.>)

"You can’t expect to be a good fighter if you can’t even leave a mark on that rock, maybe I should scratch that precious face to exemplify how it is done"

Dalia

"I believe in second chances when regret is present, we are more complex than we think, our minds are capable of constant development but such thing is only possible when we finally learn how to recognize and embrace the wrongs of our past and move on for a better future"

Bakuto

"You once said that stars shine brighter to those who are worthy but lately they all look the same to me, does that mean that the Gods have given up on me?"

Kabuwa

"Greediness brings more misery than accomplishments" - To Ushiva, about Rastakah.

Rastakah

"Some call me greedy, others a tyrant but what I really like to hear them call me is mercy"

Ushiva

"Never underestimate the things a broken heart would do"

Matimba (The one lying down)

"Sometimes you just have to understand when the best option is to get out of your comfort zone and face what is holding you back so you can finally be the best version of yourself"

Thabisa

"War doesn't interest me, what is truly important to me is the well-being of my pride sisters, however, don't take me for a fool, my claws have been immersed in blood before"

Satahka (Lazy, lazy boy)

"This world has yet to prove me what a good nap can't fix"

Yarashin

"Don't spend the rest of your life stuck to your past, maybe it taught you how to hate, but the present can also teach you tolerance and if you try really hard, future may reward you with love"

[platoniccereal]

this one is the post that has stayed in draft for the longest time and, tbh, was the thing that got me creating a profile here because i wanted to write about it. there is a relatively lengthy analysis of the iron bull's time on seheron, trauma, him rebuilding himself and the abuse of power under the qun.

it was inspired by many detailed analyses from other people, and especially this analysis of qun's attitude towards anger. because, may god be my witness, every in-depth post about bull's character just makes me grrr bark bark about his superiors. if you get my meaning.

ok, there's a very solid base to what paves the way for power abuse under the qun.

we know relatively little about the qunari society, out of all races they're the only ones we haven't met on their own territory, in their own culture. but even so i get the feeling that quite a big part of their people perceive actions of those in charge as fighting for the greater good and the enlightened society. or, to put it better, this is the correct point of view qunari are advised to have. meanwhile in reality these actions are also political. and this is what lets the abuse happen.

all in all, it's the “they fight for political reasons, while it's the betterment of society for us” dichotomy. that is, of course, a result of despising political life outside the qun – and propaganda within it. i don't believe it's an entirely meanspirited attitude of the high ranks that's intentionally hidden from the public eye. even arishok seems to believe it. you can get this impression through the whole second act in da2, where he continuously expresses contempt for human political squabbles. sten also seems to be puzzled by that part of human cultures in dao. bull openly hates everything that happens in orlais in comparison to what he saw in par vollen.

when it comes to criticism of the qun, it seems to be more about “the qun protects its people from themselves/taught to them as such protection”, which is again more ideological, than “it's politically profitable to make qunari think that the qun is the only way for them, because then they have meat for holding positions on seheron and conquering thedas”. the way they secure this position is in the whole story of qunari on seheron.

and as in any politics, qunari at the top ranks are able and willing to go over the heads and make sacrifices. just like they did with the iron bull.

it’s so cruel and expected of a system to pose itself as the only answer and attribute it’s screw-ups to its people simultaneously. besides, it’s just heartbreaking to see how it destroys people on a mental level. people there aren't sent the way sten was sent on the continent. service on seheron has no endpoint in one’s role and path. one’s path is to be a baker, one’s path is to be a philosopher, and one’s path is to serve in a hot spot for wear and tear until they die. because someone's made this decision and it’s politics. the very thing the qun is opposed to.

such attitude is even more justified in their society than in the “bas” ones because it's their entire philosophy. it's easier to turn a blind eye on something that cruel when you live in opposition to licentious bas nations that are drowning in their political games. they're taught that whatever happens, happens for the betterment of people. they're basically taught that for no qunari is it possible to wrong another. because the qun is right, the qun cannot wrong you, those who live true to the qun principles aren't interested in their own victories like human politicians are, they're interested in a healthy society, so they cannot wrong you. the qun definitely had its time to polish its system of gatekeep gaslight government to perfection.

but there are so many other ways and reasons why one may abuse their power.

i'm sure qunari see that, tal-vashoth see that. more importantly, the iron bull sees that. he understands that it sometimes more ruthless politics than the philosophical greater good. he's too smart not to notice.

plus, i think that with bull there's a giant problem for him in his own intelligence. ben-hassrath decided to send one of the smartest men in the room to the environment where each and every qunari goes rogue and the qun is daily doubted and tested by its people. this decision created a tragic situation where bull really does see every flaw and knows that he must not see that. and this decision to sent him there still was made even though bull's superiors knew the risks, because the qun needed more people on seheron to control what's crumbles. did anyone responsible care for anything else?

when i'm analysing this, i don't want to make claims against the whole qun society/philosophy here, since it'd shift the responsibility from certain members of it to an abstract Whole. every qunari also was brought up in that propaganda, but the understanding of it doesn't unable superiors in ben-hassrath from being held accountable. and maybe somewhere in some other world they should've been held accountable. i understand that it's in their mindset to use someone in the way the bull's superiors did. they used him like a horse that was driven to the point where its legs were broken, and then they continued to load it further, and then they got rid of it. because it's just how they treat people, but frankly, i don't believe the philosophy relieves the ben-hassrath of responsibility for their actions.

and bull's superiors knew he's not going anywhere. his tama said that he would solve problems others cannot, that he was a wise little boy, “eager to help”. this is in his nature, he's a people person and at his very core he's someone who ultimately wants to help others and make people feel better. but his outgoing all-seeing personality is a perfect tool to crack up people's shells to see what they really need.

at his core, the iron bull is ashkaari, a boy who called tama when he knew someone was in trouble. he is hissrad, a man who held his position on seheron for almost ten years because he was too loyal and because when he thinks something is going to make someone's life better, he fights for it. he doesn't want to hurt people he cares about. this proceeds to be true in the inquisition: he decapitates bad guys so he won't lash out to his loved ones. he likes to slay 'vints because at least he knows who are the bad guys, because he cares too much and hates any casualties.

as in any politics, these traits were used.

his superiors used this perfect tool at their disposal, twisted ashkaari's nature to make him track down and kill people in a hellhole of an island. which is ironic, since the qun's core principle is being true to one's nature/natural function. ashkaari wants to help people, but he became a killing machine; he's afraid of his anger and being possessed because he's afraid hurting his loved ones by his anger, but strangling friends on someone else's orders was exactly what he'd done under the qun. the philosophy is about staying true to one's nature, but it doesn't matter much when there's a call for political and military gain, i guess.

gatt says in his report to their superiors that hissrad was furious all the time: in a battle, at the dinner table. at the same time, he didn't have any agency or right to be furious. the iron bull had to carry conflicting statements within his head: everything is too bad for him, but it shouldn't be, because otherwise he'll go rogue, and he can't quit and not participate in this system that's too bad for him, because that way he'll go rogue, too.

this is just unfair. bull was indeed too stubborn and loyal to break, so there's nothing he could do except for creating an alternative universe in his head, where each of these statements didn't conflict with each other. if bull hadn't have this illusion (keeper of illusions, my ass), he would've had to explain these contradictory facts of reality in other, more conscious, intentional and resource-absorbing ways. so of course it was the way his mind chose to protect itself. on seheron, nobody had too many spoons, and he didn't have spare ones to deal with the fact that the qun ideas didn't meet reality as they were supposed to.

moreover, he neither had a right to give up and quit – nor a way to do so. this mind trap led him into burnout. he knew the only way for him to quit was to just let some enemy win a fight – and the only way for him and for any other qunari to reach out for help and guidance was to turn themselves to re-educators. so, the iron bull, whose main fear is madness. who as a child woke up at nights crying in fear of demons in his head. who hates the very idea of someone in his mind. turned himself to the re-educators. and every person above him knew that since his very childhood he was afraid of hurting people he loves. they used it to that degree to keep him on the leash. they managed to suppress him this bad.

the sad thing is, nothing gets fixed. he's sent there likely to just track down enemies, but he decides to help whoever he can on seheron when he wasn't supposed to, and nothing gets fixed. he spends eight years on seheron, trying to improve people's lives, believing that if he does all the right things, everything will be better, as if he has such responsibility, such power. but this is not true, and while he had no opportunity to give up, bull had to keep trying make things right, and eight years later, it's all still this broken same.

i reckon it's the story of many before and after him. people are sent in this hellhole in cold blood by their superiors who don't expect them to survive for longer than a couple of years, they're left to figure out how to cope with that mostly to themselves, they won't get any help if you don't count the re-education as one. all while it somehow simultaneously contradicts and stresses everything the qun is about.

i know it may be strange to view bull as a victim of his society and state, more often i see people view him as a victim of war. i suppose he even does it himself. he won't admit he's traumatized, in a huge part due to the actions of his superiors. he indeed describes seheron as a shithole, but throughout all his dialogue, i don't get the impression that he believes that seheron continues to influence him up until now as a trauma. it's also one of the fail-safe ways the qun secures itself, and it looks textbook abusive and gaslighting to me. bull may have left seheron or even the qun, but complicated and ambiguous feelings about it chase him up until demands of the qun and maybe later – so nearly ten years.

but there's something so beautiful about his personality. because even after the seheron's hell the iron bull remained himself. he brought everything that was the core of his identity out of this catastrophe and saved it. i can think of numerous dreadful ways he could break and become hardened, how many casualties this could've entailed (at the behest of the qun). but bull saved a man he didn't know at the cost of his own eye, he cares about common people of thedas the way he always cared about everyone all the time, even though it is expected (and approved) that the qunari will be chill about the way bas people devour themselves. all the things that were deeply damaged by seheron and the qun and tevinter, hissrad saved – and turned these shards into the iron bull (and i cannot stress enough how the fact that he gave himself the right to create this identity is important, because he could've remained hissrad and no one would even care- but that's a different topic).

this is where bull's true power and strength lie. re-educators most likely worried about his loyalty, if they worried about anything at all. i doubt they provided him with any real help while he needed it the most, shattered to pieces and lost his faith and will to live. the best ben-hassrath could think of is to shake their broken hissrad off into orlais. just to use what they still could benefit from. so bull had to help himself, alone.

of course bull’s afraid he will go astray without any role. but it wasn’t the qun that kept him sane, was it? it’s his heart, will and backbone of steel, his ultimate desire to make people’s lives better. years later, he still has ashkaari's heart of gold.

after demands of the qun bull must be on his way to understanding that not only the qun wasn't the reason his sanity was intact, but anger also won't be the reason he loses it. i can picture him being afraid of break-downs that eventually get to any person in the world, afraid now more than ever. and i can picture how he learns, surrounded by friends and family, that neither fury nor any strong feelings lead a person to madness. that it's ok and even healthy to have these feelings, as long as you express them the right way. bull knows these right ways, he's been dealing with anger and his own might that may hurt people all his life. he just isn't sure that it would be enough to stop him from going rogue. he'll learn the opposite, eventually. he'll learn that there's no re-educators, for better or for worse, and his people aren't obligated to turn him in to the re-educators, and now they will just offer him support and understanding, and it would be a perfectly normal thing to do. he will learn that his anger is just a feeling and no inner beast to be afraid of.

it always bugged me when he said those lines:

because no, it's not true for many reasons. but it makes sense from his point of view, if you see it as bull’s way to protect himself. it’s rather a self-affirmation. it’s what hissrad was taught so he won’t go astray even in his mind. thus, he himself makes sure he doesn’t do it.

the iron bull ends up as a good person who had to dedicate himself to wrong people that were able to value him only as a useful function – because it's the qun, where his well-intentioned personality was abused and subdued for the sake of a pure political profit, where people in charge made sure that he had no way to break free, and from a very young age he didn't have a chance to escape this faith. it is a tragedy.

in heaven bull jokes that he doesn't need the inquisitor's protection since his blade pretty much protects him. bull carries his own weight, everything bounces off of him.

but i think he needs it. this man needs community and to learn how to lean on them.

he's afraid to go rogue, eventually, but now he has the chargers and the inquisition. it's not seheron anymore. he's out. bull had friends before, but now he doesn't need to look into his people's eyes and guess which one is the tevinter's mole, which one will snap soon. he doesn't need to think that tomorrow he'll need to kill someone who today is his friend. he doesn't need to brace himself for daily deaths of his men. it's all different now, bull is safe and has got unconditional love and support.

and maybe he needs to understand that *sigh* he was abused. he rightfully hates the great game of orlais in opposition to the qun, but he may need to understand that he suffered not only from military actions and tal-vashoth they've created, but also from the political gain. from tevinter and the qun's sides. when he names things that made seheron unbearable, it's the whole range from tal-vashoth to fog warriors, but bull names nothing connected with the qun itself (ofc).

the iron bull also suffered from his government. he says to dorian that they both had to walk away knowing they didn't fit in and disappointed people who cared about them. but as gatt wrote in his letter, ben-hassrath owe bull for what they've done to him.

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

hello hello hope u are having a good timezone! as u might have noticed re: my tags on that shl gifset lmao i'm interested on yr thoughts on this as a wenzhou poem.. cannot stop thinking about the come hope too much. come with all your ghosts. come clown around when the timing's bad. come promise me the world. come trust me to do my best even when i don't. come ask me to give you everything i have. anyway. !!! <3

honestly, i dont know how to present my thoughts without wanting to cry. there is something so raw about this poem that hits me where it hurts. i think this visceral need, of hope, is so essential to tyk, and at the same time, the novel is making a study of hopelessness.

i mean. the main character starts out killing himself; and it is hard not to understand this wish if the very world he lives in is so bleak and devoid of warmth. and after that very important decision, zhou zishu rejoices in every single mundane thing life has to offer; and he can do that, like, he has given himself the allowance to it because he paid for it with his death.

Death was not frightening. It had not been easy for him to survive over the past twenty years; all of the methods he used to pressure Zhang Chengling were ones he had endured in his childhood, but even harsher, and despite him not having the kid's innate talent for withstanding that harshness completely unharmed. (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations) "Why wouldn't i? My junior used to be taught by my hand." .. "Then what did you do if our junior couldn't recite the mantras, or couldn't practice some move?" .. "I made him copy the introductory breath-regulation mantra three hundred times. If he couldn't even practice slowly, then he wouldn't need to eat, nor… need to sleep. In the middle of the night, I would get someone to lock his bedroom up so that he would go into the snowdrifts and come to a comprehension on his own." (Ch. 33, tl. chichilations) He had experienced enough to fear no one and nothing in the world. If he lived in no fear, what was so scary about death? (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations)

and i feel like... like!! he has spent his entire life trying to carve out a place for himself: he perfected four seasons manor’s martial arts into an, uh, art, he dabbled a little in game of thrones politics entirely uncalled for, he discovered he has basically no bottom line, he sold his sect to the empire and built a new organization by himself, he became the most powerful person of the nation second only to the son of heaven. he has, like, done lots of things, and made mostly only bad choices.

but this struggle has always been about living his own life, and it has always been in a transactional way, and now that he has all but killed himself, he is doing it all over again.

However, what was making him uncomfortable was that he had to count the days down until his death. / Having endured so much, his heart's will was stalwart, and never had he had a will for death. Wasn't it ironic that his most free, most unworried, and most cheerful days would be the ones where he was waiting to die? / This was most likely yet another stupid thing that was his own doing. (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations)

and wen kexing is kind of the opposite. wen kexing has never really lived a life for himself, and over his time in the valley, he must have become accustomed to the thought of never having a life of his own ever. he is entirely unashamed of being seen as well, at least regarding the things that are socially unacceptable, like homosexuality and murder, or his general unhinged self; unashamed in a way that speaks of a trial by fire. but he once says that,

"For all my life, whenever I want to happily play around, I can't be happy. When I grew up a little, I wanted to learn arts both martial and literary with my parents, but no one was around to teach me. Tell me… isn't that some very poor timing?" (Ch. 29, tl. chichilations)

in short, he is always slightly out of tune. when he meets zhou zishu, he is slightly out of tune as well. zhou zishu is going to die (at this point, it is all but set in stone), and wen kexing has this plan that ends with a bang, with him going up in flames while he burns all of his past grievances and the devils and demons of jianghu, and that includes himself, away.

"This is the human world," he continued, "and the human world should not have ghosts and demons. The … prestigious Hero Ghao Chong is ridding the world of calamities for the common folk. If we don't lend a hand, would your many years of reading sagely texts not be in vain? I heard that only many years of cultivation can then give you a fulfilled life, but if you don't do anything notable, wouldn't those decades have been for nothing?" / Zhou Zishu didn't answer, but Wen Kexing still turned to ask after him. "Wouldn't you agree, Ah-Xu?" (Ch. 16, tl. chichilations) When cold rain falls, autumn makes itself known; the wutong tree ages and dies. Thin robes offer no protection from a night of bitter winter, years and lives wasting, whiling away... nothing more than this: resentment, that we met so late. (Ch. 29, tl. hunxi-after-hours)

but oh. while they meet, in that space between them, they carve out a place for them that fits just right; a space where they can explore and discover, play and fuck around, and be human. something neither really knows how to. ("and I started feeling myself open, / started feeling my yes coming back / and it was the sweetest thing I had ever known / the reverse of being haunted, / like taking a deep breath / and pulling the fog of the glass.")

and it also reminds me of this:

(excerpt from 'baked goods' by aimee nezhukumatathil, found here)

seriously, the lines youre quoting in your ask, like (grabs wenzhou and shakes them around) thats them!!! its them!!! but the poem has no single line that isnt a banger, almost no line that doesnt fit them. how it starts is absolutely devastating, it reminds me of wen kexing and the valley and his general attitude re: his lack of autonomy. ("I wanted the yes to last forever so badly later on I told myself: / We’re built like drums. We couldn't make songs / if we had never been hit. It was a desperate theory.") it reminds me of zhou zishu's journey (gestures at qi ye at large) and his unceasing downwards spiral, that ends with him (figuratively but also not) in his own grave. ("And that’s how I lived. I mean, that’s how I’d been living. / Decades of no no no no no no / And that’s okay, an accordion could not make a song / if it never closed.") like, zhou zishu is a survivor. the fact that he decides to kill himself has been a long way coming emotionally, but only really comes to pass in the physical world when liang jiuxiao's death kicks him off over edge, and half a decade later, he still remembers him with that misunderstanding in mind; otherwise, im fairly sure, he would have never done so, despite being unhappy and miserable.

"Who?" Zhou Zishu laughed dourly. "You mean the girl at the restaurant? I'll handle her. Liang Jiuxiao … he… he said murderers pay with their lives. Told me to pay with my life." (Qi Ye, Ch. 62, tl. chichilations) Murdering someone should be paid with one's life? Why should it be? In this world, there was a way to make living worse than dying. (TYK, Ch. 20, tl. chichilations)

but wen kexing, even despite being highly aware that he has never really lived, tries to find light in the darkness even in his last days on earth. ruth @specialability said the other day when i was rambling about wen kexing's general attitude re: his own impending death in my tags, "I do think that Wen Kexing is sort of removed from his reality in a dissociative way but he doesn't want to be. He is trying to have life experiences that are not so shitty and I do think there are times when he is very 'present', especially with Chengling," and i agree. they are both in their last days on this earth, and they are desperately making the most of it, because in all honesty, neither really wants to die. this shift from "not wanting to die" to "living", in tyk, happens incredibly slow and not all at once, i think. its a gradual process, a lot must be chosen and decided upon, and before all, wenzhou must allow themselves to believe in hope again.

thats what rattles me so about 'good light', its about how there hasnt always been hopelessness, but now, it is hard to remember how it used to be; having faith. believing in the good. this ardous, sometimes agonizing process of starting to believe in it again, of opening yourself to possibilities again. in the chapter when wu xi and jing qi return to examine zhou zishu again, after they already pronounced him incurable once before, and savable only if he paid a price that turns out to be his bottom line, zhou zishu says, in his pov:

Even though the time he had spent alive could not be considered ‘long’, Zhou Zishu felt that it was sufficient for him to understand this lesson--that there was no such thing as a free lunch. Even if these two people before him could be considered ‘friends’ if he were hard-pressed to, even if he was familiar with how the Great Shaman operated, he still dared not believe it so easily. / Because… it could hurt, this thing called hope. (Ch. 64, tl. wenbuxing)

but oh, it can be so sweet as well, cant it? when youve opened yourself to it, when youve begun to discover life, the world, yourself and who you might be; a second chance, at life, at being a person. like, wenzhou are so weird, but they are also trying out this thing called courtship, called friendship, called mundane life. and its so funny because they dont know how, and the novel absolutely drags them for it and they drag each other constantly and themselves too, no thing is left untouched. but also it is funny, it is hilarious, in this tragic sort of way that makes me want to cry, and also in the funny way because these two guys are just so perfect at being clowns.

but it is also sweet and lovely and raw, and thats who they are, and thats what they allow themselves to be, allow each other to be when they are together. they have, somehow, carved out this safe space with each other, where they can be fragile and human.

(quote above from 'i will' by mistki, found here)