#when we should all have learned by now that comparison of trauma helps no one

[ratsbanes]

yknow why people refuse to believe mori abused dazai? because we werent explicitly shown mori telling dazai hes worthless or shooting him or hitting him or grabbing dazai by the hair and forcing him into the mafia.

[aurae-rori]

DR RATIO ANALYSIS

SPOILERS FOR 2.1 CONTENT!

Now, you might be saying - "Aurae, Oh No! and Are You Satisfied? are much too basic songs to analyze Dr. Ratio to! Just because he's a scholar doesn't mean that he has academic trauma!" WRONG! Before we start, I have been researching psychology for approximately six years and I plan to go into it professionally. HOWEVER, that said, I am NOT a professional (YET. One day I will be. Yay for Aurae!) so understand that everything I come to conclusions about has been analyzed with some personal judgement, personal interpretations, and this is just what I have concluded with the info that I have deconstructed from his brain. If you disagree, that's fine!

I will be pulling from my own experiences with being a "golden" and "gifted" child, as well as the experiences I've had speaking to other people who were those. I will also be pulling from my experiences of researching and seeing how people with superiority complexes work, as well as diving into how those work (from what I've seen, as well as how they conceal a lack of self-esteem).

OKAY, NOW THAT THAT LONG AHH DISCLAIMER IS OVER, ALLOW ME TO WORK MY PSYCH ENJOYER MAGIC! Let's deconstruct Dr. Ratio like a lego toy.

Let's start off with how Dr. Ratio presents himself. When you first meet him, he seems like a haughty, arrogant asshole. He likes to PRESENT himself as a stoic, superior scholar who is purely in it to win it, and I got total "*stares down at your tiny body and laughs at how you lack knowledge*" vibes at the very start, due to how he goes around calling people idiots all the time. However, he DOES lose the idgaf war, and we can very quickly see that he does care for other people, even if in his own, strange way. Dr Ratio presentation: An asshole. The reality?

His entire character is based around the idea of helping the masses. He wishes to spread knowledge through the cosmos and give people who didn't have access to it, access. He's a harsh teacher, and calling people 'idiots' is NOT the way to motivate them, but he's doing his best™.

Actually, no, I'm going to go full psych into this. Okay, so here starts the Dr. Ratio and my FATHER COMPARISONS. My father is a professor and he is often called a harsh grader by his students. However, I've spoken to him multiple times because I was curious - why is he so harsh and diligent with his grading system? The answer is - he wants them to actually learn. When he's grading, he gives them harsh marks because he wants them to know exactly where they messed up, and he's always willing to stay after hours to help students understand where they can't. My father also is an enjoyer of knowledge, and for as long as I've remembered, he has prioritized teaching me how to think critically. He wants me to be able to think for myself - and I think that's what Dr. Ratio wants, too. He wants for his students to be able to fully comprehend and absorb the information that he teaches, and although his methods are harsh, he genuinely wants to help. My father's like this too - he hates students that waste his time or aren't here because their hearts are in it. Dr. Ratio hates people who aren't taking their education seriously because knowledge is important. Knowledge is a tool, and to disregard it completely is lowkey kind of insulting - especially when there are people who weren't privileged enough to actually get it, so this isn't something that you should take for granted. Dr. Ratio despises people who take knowledge for granted.

Also, I disagree with the claims that say that Dr. Ratio hates the genius society. He shows open respect for them in his voice lines. Just check them if you need proof. Also, I'll delve into the idea of Aeons and recognition later.

Now that we’ve established that Dr. Ratio kins my dad, let’s let's tackle the 'stoic' allegations. He is LOSING the idgaf war. Like, really badly. He has a temper of a thousand suns and snaps at people frequently, despite his 'impassive' face, his tone holds a LOT of emotion. He seems to feel very deeply and has a shit ton of empathy for others - why else would he be dedicating his entire career to helping others? Of course, he doesn't express this in 'typical' ways of being openly kind - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for other people. In fact, he seems to be pretty good at putting himself in the shoes of others and understanding them - expressed in the 2.1 quest where he tells Aventurine to tell him if he can't hold on any longer. Also, he loses the IDGAF war because he is actively trying to help people who want to learn and trying to spread logic and knowledge across the cosmos to those who didn't have it before. Would a man who didn't GAF do that? No!

Now that we've covered his view on knowledge and the way that he presents himself, let's turn to the way that he SEES himself. Now, this is where we get into the nitty gritty of gifted child trauma & academic trauma as well as crippling expectations. It's literally explicitly said in his character stories that he sees himself as mediocre, and it's canon that he doesn't have a good view of himself. His self-esteem is down in the fucking trenches along with my sanity as I write this analysis. The reality is - being called a genius your whole life doesn't really make you feel better about yourself. I'd know. I was. In fact, it makes you feel fucking worse when you can't live up to an expectation. We all fail in life. It's part of being human. But when you're held to such high standards - idolized for your knowledge and the way that you're 'gifted' - the crash comes really fucking hard. Failure is inevitable, and when people who are held on that pedestal experience it, they take it really bad.

The reality is that nobody - not even geniuses - are perfect, but you grow up believing that you are. Then, when you fail for the first time, it all comes tumbling down. The first time I came home with a bad grade was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I hadn't studied because I was arrogant and I thought that I was smart enough to pass without putting any extra effort into it - because I was a 'gifted' child, right? I should've been able to do it without studying like the other kids. And that's the thing with gifted children – you grow reliant on that title. You cling onto it for dear life for motivation, as well as self-perception. Little by little, the person you are falls apart as you slave away to the perception other people have of you. I think basically every gifted child that I've ever spoken to is a victim of this – and of course, you can heal from this mindset - but it's a hard one to shake.

Ratio's way of presenting himself as being a 'genius' and 'arrogant' also seems to contradict the way that he calls himself 'mundane' at the same time. However, these are two mindsets that can coexist. One part of you believes that you are a genius and that you are perfect, while the other part is crumbling and calling yourself good-for-nothing every time you make a mistake. It's a tiring cycle to live in. This usually leads to people shutting themselves out and closing themselves off after living like that, pushing back your own feelings in favour of being the perfect child. However, we don't know the exact details of Dr. Ratio's childhood, but we can infer that he was held to a pedestal, and this is a very harmful mindset for a child to have.

His superiority complex comes both from how other people view him, but it's a way to cope with his crippling lack of self-esteem. I'm sorry my guy. Also helping others probably helps him feel like he's worth something and makes him feel better because he bases his entire worth off of what he can do and how he can help others. However, this is just my personal interpretation backed by what I have already deconstructed. 

In general, this is an easy way to crush self-esteem. You spend your whole life working to meet the image of what other people think you are. In fact, another reason why Dr. Ratio might be so harsh is because that’s the kind of attitude he holds towards himself when conducting research – he’s as hard on himself as he is to others. You end up hating the idea of failure, instead of seeing it as it should be - a way to improve and grow. Actually, I think this could be a reason that he went out of his way to break that illusion of 'worshipping geniuses' in the Space Station. Maybe some sort of childhood connection? Personal connection? In his endeavour to spread more knowledge and make people think for themselves and not blindly follow geniuses, to wake them up and let them think for themselves - maybe, somewhere, in there, he's helping that little child that was almost dehumanized for his intelligence. TLDR: Conflicting mindsets due to trauma, brain vs heart almost - his knowledge that he is a genius vs the crippling lack of his self worth.

Now that we've established Dr. Ratio's self worth, let's take a look at the impact Aeons had on him. Nous, the Aeon of Knowledge itself. I think in a world where the Gods are real, tangible beings that you can reach out and talk to - it makes sense that someone with high ambition and someone who's been called a genius his whole life would seek the confirmation of Nous. When you're a man of knowledge, and you've spent your whole life working with it, being praised for it – it feels natural to look for a god to look down upon you and bless you, right? The Genius Society – it should house him, because he is a genius as well, right? Imagine this – you have been called a genius your whole life, held to that kind of pedestal for so long, and now you wait for the recognition of the Gods. Because if you truly are a genius – then surely, a higher being will recognize your intelligence, right?

The invitation never comes.

And then, comes the doubt.

What if I'm really not a genius? What if everything I've worked for is a lie? Aeons are beings that are 'absolute'. If the god of Knowledge won't accept you or even cast a glance upon you, does that mean that everything was wrong. Gods see more than humans, after all. Gods know more than humans - and that spiral... I think you can see if. (If you don't let me know. I will ramble about how a failure like that can make you spiral down into a worse mindset). 

However, the reason why Ratio was never invited to the Genius Society is simple. It’s because he LOSES THE IDGAF WAR. Now, if we look at all the people we know who are in the Genius Society - we find one thing in common. They’re in it to win it for themselves. They don’t help others using the knowledge that they’ve gotten - they use it to pursue shit for themselves. The people of the Genius Society are inherently self-serving. They WIN the idgaf war. Ratio LOSES. Do we see now? 

Ratio’s empathy is the reason why he wasn’t let in. He is too human. Nous is a computer. Herta is detached from people. Ruan Mei is literally looking at life as test subjects. Screwllum is a robot. 

OUR DOCTOR MAN LOST THE IDGAF WAR, BECAUSE HE IS HUMAN AND FEELS FOR OTHERS!!! 

Also, it’s a plausible theory that Nous’s definition of ‘genius’ is different from the human definition of ‘genius’ – it’s a computer, after all. Who knows what’s going on in that code head of its. 

However, we still love you Ratio. Never stop losing the IDGAF war. 

TLDR: Nous is a computer. It is also in it to win it. It is also self serving. It gazes upon the hoes who are here to win it for themselves. Ratio is busy serving the masses and cooking knowledge in his frying pan. To it, there is no logical reason to be doing this. Therefore, no reason to invite this guy to the Genius Society. 

Ratio’s gifted child trauma says otherwise. He wants in. Why wouldn’t he? He’s been working his whole life as a genius. 

Nous is like… nah bro, you care too much. Ratio is like, ‘what the fuck?’ And then the AEON OF KNOWLEDGE GOES FOR THE MILK. 

Okay, now, quick shoutout to Ratio wanting to help others. He is just like me fr. SO BASICALLY, RECAP OF EVERYTHING I JUST SAID:

Ratio LOSES the idgaf war because he cares about other people. Spent his whole life as the golden egg, and then turns to the gods for recognition because of the inherent trauma of being a child genius. He goes, "hey bro, can you confirm that I am in fact a genius?" and Nous goes, "no, you are too busy cheffing for the masses." Ratio goes, "what the fuck?" and then we collectively realize his attitude comes from blocking off his feelings (while failing miserably), being salty about not being recognized, being put on a pedestal for his whole life, and his crippling depression *cough* lack of self worth *cough*. 

Oh, and the "I will never be enough" thought train probably hits him every single day. He is not enough to be recognized by a God. Gods are superior to humans. Maybe nothing has worth after all. Hey, that's Nihility! Hi IX, let's hear what you have to say.

*muffled ix noises*

I see, I see.

The consensus is: HE'S TRAUMATIZED BY EXPECTATIONS! HE WILL PROBABLY SUFFER FROM BURNT OUT GIFTED CHILD IF HE HAS NOT ALREADY!

Okay, now, before I delve into song lyrics (and I KNOW this has been long, just bear with me) I want to talk a little bit (read: a lot) about his relationship with Aventurine. We all know that he cares about Aventurine in his own way. But I want to pull in another idea that I didn’t cover before: 

Ratio’s fucking emotional constipation. 

Basically, the reason why he has trouble connecting with others is because he was most likely alienated by others as a symptom of being called a genius and being put on a pedestal. This makes him seem unapproachable to his peers, most likely, and therefore, as a result, doesn’t know how to properly connect with others. This just makes his way of presenting affection and care to others even more challenging – because he just doesn’t know how to do it in a healthy and clear way. Academic trauma causing emotional problems, because he’s probably a little bit out of touch with his own. Processing? No! Research. Also, this is very important for understanding Ratio’s character in my opinion, because he’s just a little guy who doesn’t know how to articulate. Maybe he’s got a touch of the ‘tism. Tism mutuals, do we agree or disagree? 

However, in comes Aventurine. Love Aventurine, but they are both emotionally constipated. Aventurine displays his affection in ways that Ratio probably only catches after re-analyzing their time together about five times. He’s also a very closed off individual – but Ratio knows this. A cute thing is that Ratio is patient where he needs to be, even if he’s generally a pretty hot-headed guy, and I’m like… bro… that letter… “I wish you the best of luck”... I will wait for you…. GAY ASS MAN…

Sorry the Aventio demons took over. Anyway, what I’m trying to say here is that they both have nonverbal communication with one another that they clearly decipher and Ratio obviously cares for him (he came back and almost jeopardized the plan just for the sake of his ‘coworker’... okay gayboy…) and they just have such a neat little dynamic… Aventurine lets Dr. Ratio do his thing… understands his emotional alienation to a degree…. they’re so neat….

Okay, Aventurine segment over. NOW, FINALLY, WE CAN GET TO THE SONG LYRICS!!! YAY!!!! We all cheered!!!

We are going to be here for two more amber eras, because I realized I actually want to analyze every single lyric from both of these songs. Brace yourself for like, 2k more words. Help. 

I think it’s only proper that we start off with ‘Oh No!’ the song that has haunted me since my childhood.

“Don’t do love, don’t do friends

I’m only after success

Don’t need a relationship

I’ll never soften my grip”

Remember when I mentioned that alienation was a big part of Ratio lore? Yeah, that manifests itself in this. When you spend your entire life chasing after knowledge and being held to that standard of untouchable genius, it makes sense that you couldn’t connect with others and that you turn your gaze only to success. Therefore, relationships that are interpersonal lose meaning for a bit – you’re just looking for answers and ways to help them, not connect with them. Also, this is what he wants to do – so he’s never going to pass down an opportunity to better himself or to help someone else. 

“Don’t want cash, don’t want card

Want it fast, want it hard 

Don’t need money, don’t need fame

I just want to make a change

I just wanna change, I just wanna change” 

This is directly alluding to his reasonings for distributing knowledge across the cosmos. Was he based on this song? Maybe he was. He’s not looking for money or fame, his ultimate goal is actually pretty selfless – to bring knowledge and give people the tools they need to think for themselves. He just wants to make a change – he just wants people to be able to have access to knowledge and help cure ‘stupidity’. He wants to do it as quickly as possible, always reaching for lofty goals that might seem impossible, but he will make them possible. 

“I know exactly what I want and who I want to be

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine

I’m now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy

Oh! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, oh!” 

Ratio knows his goal. He knows what he’s working towards. I do believe that he understands why he is the way that he is – he has a degree in Psychology, after all. He knows how he’s been hurt but at the same time, the trauma brain probably doesn’t want to recognize it and he hasn’t stepped into healing yet. He knows what he went through impacted him, but he’s too busy helping others to help himself. He’s becoming what he wants to be, and yet he’s not, all at the same time – which causes the idea of “oh no!” as a kind of cry for help, almost. He’s too proud to ask for it himself, of course, so he’ll fall alone until someone manages to catch him and give him the strength to continue holding on. Aventurine is that. 

“One track mind, one track heart

If I fail, I’ll fall apart

Maybe it is all a test

‘Cause I feel like I’m the worst

So I always act like I’m the best” 

Now, these are the exact lyrics that made me associate this song with Ratio in the first place. He’s got a singular goal that he will do nothing to stop at getting, that he goes so far to get to. However, as I mentioned earlier, failure is not an option for those who were deemed gifted or genius. You are perfect, so therefore you must live up to everyone’s every expectation and surpass them, too, in order to keep your perception of yourself intact. Ratio does not hold himself in high regard, but acts arrogant in order to hold himself together and not fall to the self-deprecating thoughts, even if they fall through the cracks. It gets tiring to hold yourself together like that for a long time, you know? 

“I’m gonna live, I’m gonna fly

I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna die

I’m gonna live, I’m gonna fly

I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna die” 

Remember how I was talking about contradictory mindsets and how they can coexist. This is them. The feeling of crippling self-hatred and lack of self esteem versus the idea that you can do it, you can make a difference – you were born a genius, this is what you’re going to do. This is the knowledge that you are a genius vs the lack of self-esteem that Ratio has. “Mediocre” vs “genius” mindset, eh? 

All the other lyrics in this song are repetitions of what I’ve analyzed before, so let’s move onto “Are you Satisfied?” 

To be honest, there are only a few lines in this song that allow me to connect it to Ratio, so therefore, I will only be analyzing them. However, if you think that other lyrics can connect to him, I’d be interested in knowing how. 

“What you’re gonna be 

It’s not my problem if you don’t see what I see

And I do not give a damn if you don’t believe

My problem, it’s my problem that I never am happy

It’s my problem, it’s my problem on how fast I will succeed”

Pretending to not care about how the world sees you is so fucking real. Sometimes, you really don’t give a shit, and sometimes it’s all you can think about. Ratio… doesn’t seem like he’s the happiest person. He works himself hard and he’s always chasing after a goal that must be exhausting. He’s always doing his best, and I think even with his empathy, it’s easy to start not giving a shit after trying for so long and so hard. Accepting help is one of the hardest things that anybody can do, especially with how much pride he has. His personal problems are his personal problems and he can deal with them on his own. 

“High achiever, don’t you see? 

Baby, nothing comes for free

They say I’m a control freak

Driven by a greed to succeed

Nobody can stop me” 

Nothing comes for free. A lot of the things Ratio has achieved is due to his own intelligence, yes, but also because of a shit ton of hard work. His goal is literally to cure the universe of ‘stupidity’ – and that’s a pretty large fucking goal. He is a high achiever who likes to know the details of every situation when he can in order to try and make things better, and he is driven by a greed to succeed. Why wouldn’t he be? Success is important, and success means helping more people. He isn’t going to allow himself to be stopped by anybody – not even anybody from the Genius society. 

Okay, and we have finally reached the end of my analysis! This caps at around 4k words, so if you stuck around for this long, thank you so much. I would love to hear any of your comments, and I hope you laughed a little bit. Thank you again! This means so much to me that you read. <3

[her-satanic-wiles]

October 15th

Noncon, Possessed!Swiss x Reader

Masterlist ⛧ Hellish Delights Masterlist

Words: 6.8k

Warnings: Noncon; extreme horror; dead dove: do not eat; explicit use of the word “rape” throughout; public masturbation; exhibitionism; possession; violence; demonic asphyxiation; victim blaming; face-slapping; sexual violence; rape; rape-kink; characters acknowledge that it’s rape; piv; vaginal sex; unprotected sex; pain; degradation; public sex; mind break; underprepared; dacrophilia; unconcious sex; multiple scenes; dubcon; fear play; breeding kink; cum eating; accidental filming via security camera; creampie;

The Ghouls aren't demons in my fic. They're humans who work in the Ministry but they're a different class of profession, somewhere between personal assistants and body guards depending on the importance of Papa's task.

Taglist: @sodoswitchimage @enchantedbunny @bitchywitchygardener @thew0man @sodomiser @the-did-i-ask @copias-sewer-rat @gehrmansbignaturals

🔞 MDNI 🔞

As this is dark fiction, I'm choosing to rate it 21+. Please respect my rating. Thank you.

**WARNING**

This is a work of fiction based in the extreme horror category and should be treated as such. I do not condone the actions the characters make, nor am I actively encouraging others to participate in such actions in everyday life. It also does not reflect the personalities of the performers who play these characters.

The purpose of this fic is to shock, scare, entertain, and make readers entirely uncomfortable. If you are not in a headspace where you can safely read and enjoy this story, or even if the trigger warnings make you uncomfortable, I highly recommend and encourage you not to read this. Your mental health is more important than a work of fiction.

If you are struggling to come to terms with past trauma, please talk to someone and seek professional help.

You deserve to feel safe, loved and cared for. Thank you.

Sometimes rituals went wrong. That was one of the things you learned when you first joined the Ministry. Rituals go wrong and not every demon is your friend. Of course, the more rituals one participated in determined the success of said ritual just down to the fact that experience was a key ingredient and so it was always recommended to bring someone who had experience to every single ritual just to be safe.

Papa Copia’s Ghouls were the more experienced ones in the Ministry, but more specifically Mountain, Rain, Swiss, and Dew. Yourself and Phantom were mere babes in comparison; sweet summer children who knew nothing of life and Satanism, only sex rituals on pentagrams give funny dreams and great orgasms. Because of this, you and Phantom walked into the ritual room with a bit of a pep in your steps, and no worries or concerns whatsoever - not concerning yourselves with seriousness or responsibility. This was just a regular, sex magick ritual surrounded by friends in order to contact the Olde One and get some advice is all. You had done this perfectly before, and you had no reason to think it wouldn’t happen again.

You, Rain and Mountain began lighting the candles in the room, ten of them to be precise. One for each of the pentagram’s corners, and a further five to outline the space in between. Dewdrop, the most experienced of everyone there, was in charge of drawing the pentagram from scratch. The first step was to scrub away the existing paint from a previous Sibling’s ritual.

“Why are we doing this?” Phantom asked as he wrung out the hot, soapy water from the sponge.

Dew sighed, “Did you not pay attention during training, Phantom?”

Swiss was now on his hands and knees next to Dew scrubbing at the red paint with a hard-bristled brush. “Clearly not. Look at those eyes: no thoughts just vibes.”

Phantom threw some of the soapy water at Swiss, in turn earning himself a middle finger. “I didn’t have time to study, remember? I was just thrown straight into life here after Aether…” Phantom trailed off, remembering how so many people in the room weren’t ready to talk about what happened. There was a brief silence while they all cast their minds back to their long lost friend.

“We clean off the old pentagram,” Dew said, clearly exasperated by his Satanic brothers, “because we don’t know what kind of ritual our Siblings performed before we got here. Cleaning the floor allows us to better control the safety of our ritual.”

“What could happen if we don’t clean up?” Phantom asked. “Moreover, what would happen if we just built upon these lines?”

“Oh come on, Phantom.” You said. “Even I know that.” Phantom got on his knees and began scrubbing away the paint on his third of the pentagram. “The cross energy between rituals and magic opens up a gateway for negative energy to come through. Sometimes that energy is just bad karma or bad luck, and you have one hell of a week.”

Swiss, “Literally.”

You continued, “Or it’s the souls of the damned coming through, or worse, demons.”

Phantom, “Has the Dark One ever travelled through these portals?”

Dew, “Probably. But He doesn’t do it often.”

“What I still don’t understand is why demons and damned souls would want to hurt us, we’re all on the same side, after all.”

Mountain, “Catholicism. You give energy to things you believe in, which in turn makes it more powerful, right?” Phantom nodded. “This is why Lucifer Himself wouldn’t come to harm us because we love and worship Him as a friend, a lover, a brother etc. But according to Catholicism, why does Hell exist?”

“To punish bad people after they die.”

“And what do we know happens to these bad people when they spend an eternity being tortured by demons?”

“They become demons themselves.”

“Good boy, have a Scooby snack.” Mountain threw a packet of mini-Oreos at Phantom, who caught it with one hand.

Rain, “Some of those bad people become demons, not all of them. The majority of demons are created by Lucifer as assistants to Him, and they’re usually picked from the petty criminals rather than genocidal maniacs and bigoted pricks. Like Mephistopheles, for example. He was just a businessman before he died. Think Ebenezer Scrooge, but in real life. Stole from the poor to put in his back pocket. In comparison to say, I don’t know, Stalin, he wasn’t too bad of a guy. If Mephistopheles showed up, we would have a great time sending him back. We’d just have to watch our wallets.”

Phantom, “And if it’s one of the dangerous ones, it would be catastrophic?”

Dew, “Absolutely. Papa and the Clergy would have to get involved. Papa would have to contact the Olde One directly to come and drag the beast away. Contacting the Olde One with the ritual that Papa would need could put Papa in mortal danger. So, we clean to save Papa as well as ourselves. So, make sure you get every spot, you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

That was the first mistake made that night: no one double checked before the paint went down that the previous paint had been cleaned completely. From eye-level, everything looked squeaky. But what none of you realised at the time was there were small, insignificant specs of paint left in Swiss’ third. Insignificant specs, but by no means safe.

The second mistake was that when the candles were being placed on the freshly painted pentagram, one of them wasn’t precisely sat atop one of the points. The candles usually acted as an extra barrier of protection, essentially trapping something inside the pentagram if it came through uninvited. Lower level demons or spirits could still be trapped if the candles weren’t precise, but the higher level ones wouldn’t be stopped.

The five Ghouls were there to conduct the ritual on Papa’s behalf, you were there to provide the energy to allow them to do so. This wasn’t your first ritual and so you had no problems at all getting completely naked in front of the five men you considered to be close friends, and sitting in the centre of the pentagram. You’d been part of these rituals before with them, if you hadn’t already had a few of them balls deep inside you on multiple occasions beforehand. And so when they had all joined hands, you had no shyness or reservations about spreading your legs and exposing yourself to them. This would be the third mistake.

Swiss wasn’t concentrating fully. If you’d have opened your eyes and looked at your friends holding hands around you as they chanted, you would have seen Swiss looking directly at you with his mouth open, watching as you touched yourself surrounded by men. You would have seen that he was concentrating on your hands toying with your clit more than chanting the Latin required to safely perform the ritual. You could have stopped the ritual because of it - but you didn’t. You didn’t know that there was a problem.

Your head was thrown back in pleasure as your fingers worked over your clit. Your body was draining of energy the closer and closer you got to orgasm. In your line of sight, you could see Rain looking back at you but his mouth reciting the Latin he’d learned. You couldn’t see Rain’s eyes, though you were desperate to know what he looked like under there right now. All eyes were on you, and it turned you on so much to know that you were being intensely watched by five masked men as you dipped two fingers into your cunt and began to hit your g-spot.

Masked men, the fifth mistake.

Had they all removed their masks, everyone would have seen the biggest problem in the room: Swiss. Not only had he stopped chanting in order to concentrate on your wetness, but his head had begun twitching. Had he not worn his mask, others would have seen his eyes glaze over and roll back into his head. They’d have noticed the white dimming into pitch blackness. They’d have been able to break the circle and preemptively send the demon back to Hell before it could fully appear in the real world. But as hot as the masks were, and as much as you loved looking at them, they were impractical and unsafe for private rituals.

The air grew thick with an unholy presence, and a palpable darkness descended upon the ritual site. The very ground seemed to tremble beneath your feet as a foul wind swirled around you, extinguishing the candles one by one.

As the ritual reached its zenith, a sudden surge of malevolent force swept through the circle, causing you all to recoil in terror. Swiss let out a deep, yet blood curdling scream causing everyone in the room to stop what they were doing and freeze, yourself included. Your wet hand now removing itself from your core and your body sitting up straight in alarm. By the time you’d focused on him, Swiss had broken the circle and was cupping his head over his helmet, as though he was in immense pain. His screaming continued as he doubled over, bent at the waist and yelling at the floor. Swiss’ voice, now filled with an otherworldly resonance, grew louder and more insistent, his body trembling with an eerie energy. One of his hands began to hit at the mask in an attempt to stop whatever was causing him so much discomfort.

“Swiss!” Dew shouted, running over to his friend. “Brother, focus! Come back to us! Phantom! Go get help, now!”

Phantom nodded and ran out the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Swiss, it’s me: it’s Dew. What’s wrong, brother?”

“My… head!” Swiss exclaimed through gritted teeth. “It’s in my head!”

You stood up and dressed yourself, making sure that at least your habit was covering you. All the while, you watched as Dew frantically tried to get answers out of his brother, and figure out what went wrong so he could help. Swiss was still screaming, still trying to escape out of Dew’s grasp.

Then silence.

Swiss stood straight. Still. No more screams of pain, no more frantic Dew. You couldn’t even hear the world outside the ritual room. Just maddening silence that could drive a person to insanity if they were in it for too long. Everyone remained unmoving, fearing even breathing in case it triggered something. You wanted to leave, to escape the room and get help - or even just pull your friends out and save them. But your body wouldn’t move. It wouldn’t respond to your brain’s pleas to get the fuck away.

In that chilling moment, a grotesque transformation overtook Swiss. His voice, now distorted and filled with malice, spoke words that were not his own. It was a demon that had taken hold of him, a malefic entity summoned from the abyss.

The demon had been called forth by all of the mistakes made that night. It reveled in the chaos and despair that surrounded it, relishing the opportunity to wreak havoc upon the mortal realm. With Swiss as its vessel, the demon’s power knew no bounds.

The demon’s dark presence continued to grow, casting a sinister pall over the entire Ministry. Outside of the room, a sense of unease began to spread. Siblings and Ghouls alike could feel the malevolence that radiated from the heart of the Ministry, an unnatural darkness that seemed to seep into their very souls. It was as if the very fabric of reality had been torn asunder, and the boundary between the mortal realm and the abyss had grown thin.

Everyone was simply afraid to speak, to move, to even breathe. There was a comfort in the silence that couldn’t be explained other than Swiss hadn’t attacked anyone or made any movements. You weren’t even sure if Swiss was still in there. No one move, no one blink, no one make any sounds.

Swiss moved first - his head shifting from Ghoul to Ghoul to you as though he were studying you all. He seemed more like a caged animal than a human as he weighed up his options, though he wasn’t entirely registering what he was seeing. Each room was designed with at least some kind of demonic suppressor so you knew whoever had stolen Swiss from you didn’t have the full extent of his powers. But as he’d barely done anything, you still couldn’t gauge just how dangerous he was.

Suddenly, Swiss’ eyes locked onto you and focused on nothing else. Your body was still very scantily clad in your habit, your legs fully on display even though you were hiding behind Mountain. Swiss’ mouth curled up into a sinister smile. “He likes you.” Two voices emerged from his throat, the first being Swiss’ sweet timbre, the second the demonic entity inside of him. “I am in his head. I know. I see.” He took a small step forward. “He has sinned against you. He does so nightly.” Another step. “He imagines things in his chambers when he is alone. He wants to bury himself deep inside you. Even today during the ritual, he considered getting on his knees and taking you in front of everyone.” Another step. That was when you all realised the final mistake: you.

Swiss got possessed because he was watching you masturbate in front of him. He got possessed because he was craving your body, your touch. He got possessed because he was concentrating on how you’d feel wrapped around him and didn’t pay attention to the most important things. You never should have been chosen for the ritual. You never should have agreed.

Swiss spoke again. “I think we should give him what he wants, don’t you?”

“You stay away from her!” Dew shouted. He’d gained enough confidence and bravery to step forward, arms outstretched, and ready to restrain Swiss. Or at least attempt to anyway. Dew was much, much smaller than Swiss, so even when he wasn’t possessed by a demonic entity, restraining him alone would have been damn near impossible. But the added power now coursing through Swiss’ human veins made restraint way more difficult.

All Swiss had to do was lift his hand and Dew was levitating from the ground. A simple push saw Dew flying backwards, his head smacking against the wall and his body falling limp to the floor.

“Dew!” Rain shouted. It was a natural reflex done out of fear and it caused him to lurch forward. The demon, presuming Rain had moved to attack him, copied the motion and threw Rain against the wall too, the sweetest of all the Ghouls now unmoving on the other side of the room.

Mountain still held you behind him and for every step the demon took towards you, Mountain moved you backwards. You could tell he was trying to move you towards the door without taking his eyes off of Swiss. But deep down you both knew that while Mountain was a worthy opponent for Swiss, he was no match for the thing possessing him. All Mountain could do was hope that you at least got out of the room safely especially now that the demon had its eyes on you.

“Give her willingly and your life will be spared.” Swiss’ two voices cut through the panicked silence.

“No.” Mountain said.

Swiss raised his hand into a fist and concentrated on Mountain. Mountain, like the others, was now being raised off the ground, but this time Swiss was being torturous, enjoying the pain he was inflicting internally. Mountain grasped at his throat as if a hand had been wrapped around it, and struggled to get air into his lungs. “___,” he choked out, “go!”

Somehow your body responded to the sound of his voice and you made a break for the door. There was a part of you that knew you’d never reach it - that knew you’d end up in a worse fate than your friends, but you still tried anyway. Maybe if you left, you would be able to find more help to bring. Maybe you’d run into Phantom or Papa, just someone who could come and save everyone. You refused to believe that they were all dead - you would have given up if you thought that. So for all the good it did you, you chose to run. You chose to fight as best you could.

Behind you, Mountain’s body thudded to the floor, but you could hear him gasping for breath. Swiss, who was now focussing on you trying to make your escape, didn’t put the full extent of his powers into hurting Mountain as he did Dewdrop and Rain. Mountain was weakened from the impact but he wasn’t unconscious… yet. But now you had no protection - now you were completely vulnerable.

You managed to get the door open, but by then, it was too late, Swiss had already come up behind you and slammed it shut again. His large hands grabbed onto your waist, thick fingers digging into your flesh and manoeuvring you to where he wanted you. Your own back slammed against the door and you were met with Swiss’ cold, unfeeling mask, glass eyepieces only showing a glimpse of the blackened eyes that had completely stripped away the humanity from one of your closest friends. His once beautiful smile brought you nothing but happiness now evil and no doubt the last thing you’d ever see. You struggled, fighting against the unholy strength that had caught you, but of course, you were no match for him - in fact, he seemed to enjoy you struggling. In your frantic movements, your hip grazed his and you felt his cock now standing hard beneath his Ghoulish uniform. You knew what was coming.

He cackled, the two voices giving a creepier edge to something so joyous. His free hand came to remove the helmet and allowed you to gaze at the face that was going to bring you so much pain. His eyes were, indeed, as black as you’d been told. Veins were popping from beneath his skin, no doubt Swiss straining from the inside to expel the demon from within but failing miserably. Even though you could hear it wasn’t Swiss, and you could see the eyes certainly weren’t his, it was so difficult to differentiate between demon and human. Your brain struggled reminding you that Swiss wasn’t the one who’d hurt your friends; that he wasn’t the one rubbing his clothed cock against your thigh; that his hand wasn’t squeezing one of your soft breasts so painfully hard; that it wasn’t his tongue licking a stripe from your neck to your ear.

You pushed against his large chest trying to distance yourself, but it was as if you were trying to move the Ministry itself. He wasn’t budging. “Get. Off. Me!” You grunted in your exertion.

“This Ghoul wants you - you would deny him? You would deny him after the show you put on for him?”

“There was no show!”

“Really? Because you angled your body to give him the perfect view of,” the hand that was on your breast now moved to your crotch and gripped your vulva tightly - so tightly you screamed, “this cunt. You wanted him to touch you. You were asking for him to take you. Begging for it, were you not?”

“I wasn’t!”

“Lying whore!” He slapped your face hard enough to leave a mark, the bite knocking you off kilter for a second and making the room spin. He grasped hold of your cheeks and forced you to look at him. He took his opportunity to kiss you, forcefully pressing his mouth to yours and using his tongue to lick over your unresponsive lips. Taking this opportunity, you kneed him in his crotch now extra sensitive from all the blood that had pooled there. This gave you enough respite from his attack to push him away from you and attempt an escape. The door was locked shut this time, though. And it didn’t matter anyway, he was faster than you thought.

His thick forearm wrapped around your neck and pulled your body flush against his. “You like pain, hm?” This time, when he spoke, he used only Swiss’ voice. He tightened his arm and began cutting off the air supply to your lungs. “You want me to make it hurt?”

“Swiss!” You choked from his anaconda-like grasp. “Stop!”

“He cannot help you now, little one. But I have made sure he can see everything.”

With one hand on your shoulder, he released you from his chokehold long enough to push you hard to the ground. As you stumbled and collapsed, you felt the skirt of your habit rising up over your bare ass cheeks, which earned another menacing snicker from the demon. “Look at you. The little Jezebel is ready for her master’s cock.”

“No!”

You got onto your hands and knees ready to stand and run, but you felt Swiss’ boot on your exposed backside and stamping you back down flush to the floor. Wasting no more time or effort, he straddled your hips to keep you pinned down and pressed his entire weight onto you. Over the sound of your struggling, you heard his jeans zipper undoing.

“Still some energy in you, I see.” He taunted as he placed his hands where his thighs were and moved further down your body, still fighting you. “I wonder how long that will last.”

You braved a look behind you to see if there was anything further you could do, but caught a glimpse of what Swiss was sporting under his clothes. Now he was fully exposed, you truly saw his length and girth for what it was and dread pooled in your stomach. The pain you were about to feel was beyond terrifying.

“Which hole should we rape?” Swiss asked, lining himself up with your ass and rubbing against the rim. “This one?”

“No! Please! Let me go!”

“Or this one?” He then rubbed over the entrance to your cunt and gasped. “She is wet! The whore is ready to accept Satan’s gift! She wants it even though she deludes herself otherwise.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Ghoul, which hole do you fantasize about the most, hm? Which one do you want us to rape today?” There was silence for a moment and you could swear you heard Swiss’ screams - similar screams to when he was first possessed. “Her tight, little cunt hm?”

He lined up once more with your hole, and you tried again to escape from underneath him. “Swiss! Please stop! Please! No!” Your wriggling proved useless when you felt him press inside you.

The pain was beyond anything you’d felt before, a searing white hot pain that shot through your entire body and only continued the more of him entered you. He wasn’t gentle with his movements, as expected from a demon. He bottomed out almost immediately, hitting your cervix roughly and causing you to scream. “He was right,” Swiss said, “you do feel incredible. This hole was made for cock, no wonder he spent all his time drooling over you.” He pulled out and thrust back in laughing at your pain-filled scream. “I have kept him awake so that he can remember this gift the Unholy Father has bestowed. More material for him to think about in the darkness of his room.”

“Please, stop!” Your voice was high pitched now and tears were staining your cheeks as your hands covered your mouth to muffle your cries. Your distraught sobs caught the demon’s attention, however, and he wanted his gratification.

He wrapped Swiss’ hand in your hair and tugged your face off the floor. Your mouth was hung open from your weeping and your screams escaped every time he thrust in and hit your cervix. “That is right, scream for him. Let him know how good you feel on his cock.” The sound of your cunt swallowing him made him speed up his movements, entirely enthralled by your body accepting him properly. “Show him how you love being raped by his fat cock.”

“P-please stop!”

He groaned. “Keep begging for me to stop. Keep crying for me. You get tighter every. Single. Time.” He thrust between each word, getting rougher and rougher with you.

With his hand in your hair, your head was lifted and you could look around the room. As your body was pushed along the floor by the power of his hips, your tears blurred your vision but you could still see your friends laying lifeless in front of you - spread in all manner of ways. None of them could save you. None of them could help you. If they were even alive. Your thoughts turned to Phantom, outside of this room searching for someone to come and exorcise the demon back to Hell. Your fear became overpowering at the thought of the sweet newcomer walking in and seeing you pinned beneath Swiss, being raped by someone you all used to love and trust. Would anyone else understand that this wasn’t Swiss hurting you? Would Swiss even survive the exorcism?

In a moment of adrenaline from the fear you felt, you shifted your body using all the strength you could muster. You wrapped your legs around his calves, swung your arm to hit his face and proceeded to turn as if you were about to lie on your back. Swiss didn’t anticipate this and so slipped out of you for a brief moment, falling off of you. Wasting no time, your weak legs forced you onto your feet and you ran towards the door once more. Your brain was clearer than before allowing you to unlock the door this time. But as you opened it, once again, Swiss pushed it closed.

“Clearly I have not broken you yet.”

By the collar of your habit, he pulled you back to give him the space to stand in front of you. His hand, now tightly closed in a fist, backhanded your cheek and all you saw was black.

When you came to, your jaw ached so badly. Your vision was blurred and it took a while to come to. Your hands were held above your head as you lay on your back, a large hand holding them together and restraining you. As your head was turned to its side, you saw Mountain and Rain laying next to each other, still entirely unconscious and unmoving. But you were still being attacked.

Now that you were pinned to the floor, and had been out for you didn’t know how long, Swiss had chance to fully savour you. Your habit had been torn town the middle, exposing you completely to the demonic eyes you were now staring into, those very eyes entranced by the way your breasts bounced from the roughness of his thrusts. His cock was now spearing into you much harder than before, the position allowing him to fuck into you deeper. His pubic mound was grinding against your clit as he pounded away, and for the first time that night you were feeling pleasure with the pain.

“I knew you wanted this.” Swiss said from above you upon hearing the small pleasured whimper that escaped you. “I knew you were a whore who loved getting raped. How you would spread your legs for anyone who offered you a bit of attention. I am not wrong, am I?” You moaned again accidentally, this time louder. “Say it. Tell me how much you love it. Tell him that you love it when he rapes you.” When you didn’t obey, he wrapped his hands around your throat. “Say it!”

“I love it!” You shouted reluctantly. “I love being raped!”

Somehow this wasn’t a lie. Since waking up, every hit against your cervix, every drag of his cock against your walls felt delicious. The demonic black of his eyes, the thick hands that held you down had you spreading your legs wider to let him continue abusing your hole. You were getting wetter and wetter with each thrust, more desperate to cum than ever before. You fear dissipated and was replaced with nothing but cock. The weight of it driving you crazy, the way he used you for his own pleasure and revelled in your agony. How he lowered himself to lick your tears away and bury himself inside you over and over again.

“There you go. That was not difficult. You got so much tighter too.”

Your screams turned from pain to desperation. Your mouth hung open in a perfect O. His cock had broken you, stripped you of everything and turned you into his own, personal toy. You sat up as much as you could to see where you both were connected. You saw the base of his cock was rimmed with white where your wetness had turned to cream and stuck in his pubic hairs. Each pull out of you had multiple strings of your own juices forming and snapping. You could feel yourself spilling out of your hole and running down your body, gathering on the wooden floor below you. Fuck! It felt so fucking good.

“Will you cum on his cock? Will you cum on the cock that rapes you?”

“Yes!” You screamed looking back up into his eyes. “I’m gonna c-cum! I’m gonna cum! I’m gonna-!”

The door opened right as your orgasm hit, your mind clouding over and drool dripping from your mouth as you came all over Swiss’ cock. The last thing you remember seeing was Papa Copia’s eyes look into yours in horror as you came like a desperate whore while your close friend took you against your will. Then the world went black.

When you came to, your eyes refused to open at first. Your head was pounding from the physical trauma and there was a deep-seated pain in your core that sent stabbing pains through your legs every time you moved them.You groaned and tried to sit up but your body refused to respond. The heart monitor beside you kept bleeping letting you know that you were, in fact, alive, but also that you were currently in the infirmary. But there was another sound coming from the foot of your incredibly uncomfortable bed. When your eyes finally opened it took you a while to fully process what you were seeing.

Swiss.

In a moment of pure fear, you panicked and tried to move further up the bed, as far away from him as you possibly could. You could feel a scream building in your throat, but your jaw hurt you too much to move it. Even still, your fear didn’t care. Swiss’ eyes were back to normal, and glassy with unshed tears. His face, pale and sickly, stained with the tears he had cried. He looked awful - his veins tinted a little black from the pressure of the demon inhabiting his body.

“Please, don’t scream!” He said quickly. “It’s me again. The demon’s gone.” You wanted to open your mouth and ask him what he was doing there, but your jaw wouldn’t move. “Your jaw isn’t broken, but it’s badly bruised from where I…” He started crying again, burying his head on your bed. “I’m so fucking sorry!” He wept hard, your heart breaking for him every time you saw his shoulders violently shake. “I hurt you so b-bad. I’m so sorry! I d-didn’t want to do any of th-those things. I tried - I tried to stop but it was t-too… strong. It w-wasn’t me!”

Deep down you knew it wasn’t. You knew Swiss would never hurt you like that because he never had. He’d never shown that level of ferocity and violence to anyone or anything. He was the kindest soul in the Ministry - a ray of sunlight the morning after a storm. Before all of this, you would have trusted him with anything, your life included. But even though reason told you he wasn’t the monster that attacked you, your brain still registered him as the attacker. When you saw his eyes before he hid them, you could have sworn for a brief moment they were still black. You wanted to comfort him, to tell him that it was okay and you forgave him even though there wasn’t anything to forgive. But there was such a hesitation. An annoying voice in the back of your head saying “what if”? What if that really was him? What if they didn’t exorcise the demon out? They must have otherwise he’d be in chains in the dungeons right now. So, you reached your hand out and touched his head, gently stroking at his hair. Tears were falling down your face too as your brain replayed the trauma.

When you both had calmed down a little, and Swiss was no longer hiding his face from you, you both sat in silence staring at each other. You were studying his face for imperfections and signals that he was unsafe, and he was studying yours for any hints of fear that should tell him he needed to go. “I know it’s selfish of me being here.” He said. “It only happened yesterday. I’m not supposed to be here. Papa’s going to come and talk to you when you’re feeling stronger, he wants you to decide my punishment.”

You shook your head. You didn’t want to punish him.

“Everyone else is fine. Dew has a broken shoulder but he’ll live. Rain has concussion. Mountain’s up and out of the infirmary with no problems at all.” Your mind cast itself back to yesterday, watching Swiss barrel through them and throw them around like children’s toys. How helpless you felt when he was inside you and they were all in the room, knocked out from his attack. How none of them helped you.

“I shouldn’t have come but I needed to see you. I feel so guilty. I…” he hesitated. “I can’t stop thinking about it. About you. I felt everything the de- he did to you. I heard everything, saw everything, felt everything. And you felt so… especially when… fuck! I know I shouldn’t but I keep remembering and my body reacts. I’ve used my hand so many times since but nothing compares to… I need it. I need you. One more time. Please.”

There was a feeling of dread pooling in your stomach again but you could understand where he was coming from. Since you’d been awake and your mind was showing you the images from yesterday, you were also losing your mind. You remembered everything in graphic detail, especially how good it felt when you woke up on the floor. Arousal began to replace the dread and your thighs rubbed together, making you hiss in pain. But the pain and the arousal seemed to control you, and for some reason unbeknownst to you, you nodded your head.

Swiss didn’t need to be told twice. He pulled back the comforter and climbed onto the bed. He lifted up the infirmary nightgown you were wearing and exposed your abused hole to him. You could see his cock tenting through his own nightgown at the sight of you. You were so broken and vulnerable, and it did things to him he knew he’d feel guilty for later on. But he just couldn’t resist any longer. It was like he was addicted to you. To it. “I can’t promise I’ll be gentle.” He told you. He lifted your gown further up to expose your breasts again before pulling himself free and lining himself up. You wanted to tell him to not be gentle, to disrespect you like he had yesterday, but the words couldn’t come out.

Pushing into you, you felt the same searing pain you felt the first time he did. You were so under prepared yesterday and even more so today. But after a few uncomfortable thrusts, the pleasure returned once more, and your hands, now finally responding, flew to his shoulders and grasped on, digging your nails into his skin.

His mouth had hung open and his own grunts and moans were escaping as he lost himself in the pleasure and the memory of your fear. You were deprived of this yesterday - and you were convinced that if you’d heard how good he felt, you’d have given up fighting long before you did.

“You feel even better than yesterday.” He muttered. His thrusts got rougher and you could feel the infirmary bed moving beneath you, groaning at the weight and the intense movement. “I kept thinking about how wet you got. The way you creamed on my fucking cock. I came twice to that thought alone. Fuck!”

Though your jaw was in pain, you were still able to whimper from the feeling of his fat cock railing you in a similar fashion to yesterday. Your own noises kept spurring him on.

“And when you screamed, yelling out how much you loved me raping you. Fucking hell. I want to hear it again. I want to hear you beg me to rape you over and fucking over. I want to keep you speared on my cock and make you cum on it because I just won’t stop raping you.”

You tightened at the thought, which made him let out a particularly loud moan.

“You want that, too?”

You nodded.

“Fuck. You want me to turn you into a little fucking rape toy, hm? A fuck-slut that’s only good for taking my fucking cum against her will. Have you beg me to stop while also sucking my cock back into your little hole.”

You dug your nails in again which prompted his hips to smack forward and whack your cervix.

“I’ll do it. Shit. I’ll find you when you’re out of the infirmary and I’ll force you to the fucking floor. I’ll take what I want from you when I want. You want that?”

You nodded.

“Fucking hell, I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna cum again. I came inside you yesterday too. They had a hard time pulling me off you. I just kept holding onto your hips and railing you into the floor. I’m gonna keep doing it now. Use you as my fucking cum receptacle. Rape a baby into you too. Show everyone who this hole belongs to.”

You tightened and moaned again.

“I went feral when they pulled me off of you and I saw my cum spilling out. Proof that I’d - fuck I’m cu-cumming!”

Once again he pushed himself as far into you as he possibly could and stilled, painting your walls with his seed.

No one else had ever made you feel that good before. The fact that he was recreating the shared trauma also did things to you that you couldn’t quite explain. You knew he was suffering as much as you were, that the guilt was eating away at him in the same way the fear was. Maybe that was why you willingly spread your legs for him this time, because you needed someone who knew to make you feel good.

When he’d finished, he watched himself spilling out of you. “Fuck…” he lamented. “No tissues. You didn’t cum.”

You wanted to tell him not to bother, that a nurse might show up midway through. You knew how bad it would look that the man who’d raped you had come back for seconds not twenty-four hours after the incident. But even if you could speak, he wouldn’t listen.

He bent down and placed his tongue in your hole, licking his cum out of you. He swirled his tongue around your cunt, trying to find the parts of you that would tip you over the edge. Once he’d determined that you were clean enough, he moved up to your clit and sucked. Hard. It was like he knew that his treatment of you yesterday meant that you needed it rough today too, and so he did his best to deliver. He didn’t let up until you came on his face, your own juices spilling out of you. You did your best to muffle the scream that was threatening to come out of you as you tipped over the edge, hyper-aware of the fact that a nurse could come rushing in to make sure you were okay. Swiss knew this too and so finished up as quickly as he possibly could.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?”

You nodded and watched him press a kiss to your temple, completely juxtaposing his treatment of you both yesterday and today before making his exit back to his own ward.

You watched him leave and let your eyes wander around the room. That was when you noticed it and froze in panic. There was a security camera in the top corner of the room… and it had just captured everything.

Kinktober: Previous Day ⛧ Next Day

Hellish Delights:

Masterlist ⛧ Hellish Delights Masterlist

Previous Part ⛧ Next Part

[skarkkk]

First;

It's not even about this episode because the premise of the next one got me too much. A well, a kid trapped in a well and 118 being called. I need this to focus on Eddie's trauma and bring back memories for Buck about trying to dig through yards of mud to find his best friend. And I need something to happen to Eddie in this episode and for Chris to find out. Then I need someone to talk to Chris about the other time Eddie almost died but came back for him, the difference this time is that for Eddie Chris isn't waiting for him at home this time, so why should he fight to get back? I don't think Buck or anyone else has gone into depth with Chris about what happened to Eddie in season 3 during the well accident, so I need something to escalate. And maybe that will help more for Buddie, this trauma and thinking about losing Eddie again. All that accumulation of years of almost seeing Eddie die, you know.

Second;

Denny's actor (I don't know his name, unfortunately) is such a good actor that I really thought he would die, which doesn't make much sense considering it's the last season and they wouldn't do it right away when they would lose the chance to have a new one with the mourning, you know, but oh my god, the stress. Also in that, it wasn't what I expected when I said I wanted to see more of Eddie and Karen being besties, but hey, at least they appeared in a fair scene.

Third;

I loved how ridiculous it was that Buck thought he was cursed by Billy Bubbles. Tommy and Eddie getting together as friends and laughing at Buck? I thought it was so cute, he's literally Buck's first partner that Eddie doesn't totally hate, but during that graveyard scene (ignoring how hot they both were, Buck less because of, um, his face, you know, but anyway) and that moment when he looked at Tommy I could only think that it should be Eddie, and now I can only think about that graveyard scene from season 6 (I think she sees me).

Fourth;

Chim is such a cute dad, man, he's going to be Jee's biggest doormat and that's so cute.

Fifth;

this Halloween episode they killed it, my god, the music, the decorations, the setting, Dracula Bobby (and that kind of British accent? He learned it from Brad, duh).

Sixth;

the comparison of the first Halloween we had with Josh all dressed up as a pirate captain and now with a mustache, disappointing, but on the other hand we had Maddie with tiger ears as a reference.

Seventh; I'm not prepared for my reaction if Buddie isn't canon by the end of this season.

Eighth;

about the next episode, I need to see trauma (like I said) and I need it to focus on Eddie, because seriously? Confessions? Who else could it be besides the guilt-ridden Catholic character who has been suffering silently throughout the season and since forever?

Ninth;

oh my god, it's so cute that Tommy calls Buck baby and Buck calls him boyfriend. I love them.

[npd-hottakes]

The entire methodology of diagnosing and treating NPD, down to the language they use to talk about us, is inherently backwards. Obviously it's ableist - that's not a very hot take - but it's downright counterproductive to treatment.

One of the most basic symptoms of all personality disorders is usually referred to as "distorted thinking", and they're applying this directly to a disorder which is inherently about being vulnerable to criticisms. They're calling the symptoms of a disorder about ego dysregulation shit like "interpersonal exploitation", "thinking they're unique", "pathological need for admiration."

Don't get me wrong, it's a problem with all psychology no matter the disorder to view symptoms as in comparison to the neurotypical. But this language just isn't fucking helpful

No narcissist is going to just agree that their thinking is distorted, because their OWN DIFFERENCES IN THNKING is going to deny and justify themselves.

I think a good alternative might be "maladaptive cognitions", because they're not DISTORTED and DISORDERED and WRONG and they NEED TO BE ELIMINATED, but rather, they're just unhealthy. You can't fucking tell me the cognitive schemas that I developed to survive years of abuse is "distorted." It's an adaptation to abuse and now it's harming me

Interpersonal exploitation should be called maladaptive and/or distressing social beliefs becaue NPD exploitation/manipulation is not a conscious thought process of "oh im goign to manipulate this guy" it's an accumulation of differences in cognition and needs that leads to us behaving in the ways we do. When i shit talk someone i'm not actively thinking hm i am going to EXPLOIT THIS PERSON i am going to INTERPERSONALLY EXPLOIT THEM i am thinking an accumulation of the ways i have learned to socially behave

Thinking they're unique shouldn't even be a seperate diagnostic criterion, it's just a different manifestation of the next point so it has no need to be treated like a seperate psychological phenomena

Pathological need for admiration should be called a maladaptive view of what reassurance looks like. First of all just fuck off calling a trauma response 'pathological', dear god. Secondly, i don't "need admiration", i need REASSURANCE for my fragile ego. I would need admiration if I had a giant ego, and I fucking don't! My view of what reassurance is is just so skewed by years of trauma and social outcasting that I need an extreme amount and/or expression of it for it to mean anything to me

"I love you" oh okay asshole fuck off, "I would die for you" now you're talking -- but notice that they're expressing the same thing deep down, that i am liked and worthy of existing in the world. If i had a neurotypical, non-traumatized view of what reassurance was I would be fine being able to hear 'i love you' and get the same thing out of it, but i don't. And that's not because i ""need to be admired"" dickface it's because i love you means nothing to me after hearing meaningless two-faced sweet nothings for my entire childhood while the same people turned around and abused me

FUCK! I HATE THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION! Thank you for coming to the ted talk

Don't know what to add to this, but yeah, I agree.

[one-chaotic-neautral]

Im officially asking to be crowned as "sbi!atla au's #1 fan" because im ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED, YOU HAVE NO IDEA IM SO HYPED!!!

!DISCLAIMER IM ABOUT TO WORD-VOMIT!↓

Okok at first i thought that Techno would 100% be a fire bender but after reading ur explanation it makes so much sense for his character to be a water bender

And (just an idea! You don't have to include it or anything) i would love to see people assuming he's a non bender bc he fights without using water and then he just STARTS CONTROLLING THEIR BODY!! BECAUSE THATS THE ONLY(?) FORM OF WATER BENDING HE KNOWS!!

Like- that could be a huge character arc for him; learning to use water bending in other forms

Anywayy, im just brain storming here lol

Also, i love niki as a firebender! It matches her dsmp character so much and it gives so much potential for her

For me, I definitely see Tommy as a firebender, he's got a personality that could only be described as 'fiery', hes THE personification of fire;

Persistent, ambitious, never giving up, fiercely protective, and even, consistent and unchanging

Because if we take a look at his dsmp character, he's all of the above! And please let me explain the last two

Ctommy went through a lot of changes and situations but at his core level, he kept those same characteristics that defined him from the start of the story, till the very end.

Yes, he matured and grew up, yes he went through trauma that definitely influenced him heavily

But he (and if you'd allow me this comparison here>) never became a whole different person like i believe cwillbur did. Cwillbur went from an ambitious leader fighting against corruption and false-power to --not only siding with said self-proclaimed figures of power -- but also becoming so corrupt himself, that he got lost inside the chaos around him, and the chaos inside his mind

CTommy never did. Even if it became borderline obsessive at some point, he knew what he wanted/what the goal was;

The discs and L'manburg

The discs; a symbol of friendship to his best friend tubbo (reminding him of who was beside him at those early dsmp moments), and also a symbol of capability for himself. He alone acquired those discs. Not by stealing them, without any help. His first time having something entirely his. It's a symbol of strength, of confidence. A way of showing that he can do anything himself, if he wished.

And L'manburg; a symbol of revolution, of resistance against the ones hungry for power. A symbol of equality, togetherness, brotherhood, family even!

C tommy always stayed true to those two, whether it was the physical embodiment of those or the things they symbolised.

And i just realised I've been rambling about ctommy for around 10 paragraphs, the spirit of ctommy possessed me. I genuinely don't know what took over me, but im definitely not getting saved if im analyzing dsmp in our year of our lord and saviour Twich Prime, 2024

(IM SORRY, I HAD TO)

Anywayyyyy

Anything you decide to do with ranboo, i think would be a great choice. I'd love them as the avatar, but I'd love anything you do with them either way

THANK YOU FOR DOING MY BOYS TUBBO AND SAM JUSTICE!! THEY'RE DEFINITELY EARTHBENDERS, NO ONE CAN CHANGE MY MIND!

Thank you for reading all that, and for making the au! It's honestly amazing :D

(also you don't have to post this ask if you don't want to!)

(ill be waiting for permission to put "#1 'whatever name you decide it should be' au fan" on my blog)

Have a great day/night ^-^

You have absolutely permission for the crown, and I Love hearing your thoughts on this!!

I like the idea of Techno only being able to bloodbend at first, and I think I may incorporate that more into his narrative more now.

What I was thinking for his backstory was that he was ostracised and cast out from his village as a young child, being born albino with red eyes instead of blue he was considered cursed (or at best the child of an affair), but when his bending talent manifested he could only bloodbend which scared his people thinking he was a demon or something, so they left him in the tundra to die.

He survived ofc, but the isolation and trauma of living alone for so long manifested the voices (like schizophrenia but I think maybe it's instead a sign of the blood god worsened by schizophrenic symptoms). He always had them, urging him to bloodbend, but they were worsened to become noticable during that time. The bloodbending and albinism being the blessing / incarnation of the blood god, kinda like Yue was of the moon spirit when she was a baby.

He later learns to control water too, but I think he's quite a skilled swordsman, so for his fighting technique that doesn't involve bloodbending he uses weapons he's waterbended into shape and turned to ice. I'm working on some designs for this I'll post later, but in his updated ref you can see a hilt on his belt which he'll make the blade out of ice with (he could do the whole thing, but it'd be cold and uncomfortable, as well as less structurally secure).

The pole on his back works to make his axe and stuff. Then I think he makes a trident out of plain ice. This also gives them the appearance of being blue like diamond gear which I think is neat.

Tommy is also such a great character to work with, even if Techno's my fav Tommy's probably going to be the main protagonist if I get round to making a narrative. You're so right that he embodies all the firebender traits, I think I will end up going with firebending for him now.

I'm not sure if I'll include c!dream in this au or not considering I'm not really into him, but he does have a lot of involvement in Tommy's dsmp lore and development. If I do bring him in then he'd probably do the classic manipulation, probably try to 'train' tommy or smth and isolates and controls him.

I imagine Tommy's bending is actually pretty weak, or starts out that way cause he never had a proper teacher (methinks the other help him later), which makes him a bit insecure and leads to him learning how to be resourceful in other ways cause he can't rely on it.

I really like the discs being something he didn't steal but earned. I think one of the reasons that they'll be so important to him now in the au is because he's a poor thief who's had to steal everything in life to survive, so to have something he wholly earned himself, along with the symbolism of them, is something that means a lot and he takes pride in it. Thanks for bringing that up cause it'll be very useful for his development.

Just gonna leave it with those two for now, I should head to bed haha, good morning/night!

There's so many things I wanna do with this au, Thank you for showing an interest in it, it makes me want to finish more of my drawings lol :)

[polyhexian]

Thinking about the emotional rollercoaster that is Hunter and Jasper's newfound developing relationship after Jasper's no longer dying of infection and everything's come to light. Hunter now knows the truth, but can he HANDLE the truth? He was already having, like, seven ongoing crises, and now he has THIS on top of them. He's just learned about a dozen new things he gets to be angry over!

Your approach to writing Hunter's trauma recovery has always been very raw. I like a good saccharine hurt/comfort fic as much as the next person, but I really appreciate the raw approach, too. Recovery isn't perfect, it can be ugly and uncomfortable and painful, and you've never shied away from that. So I'm thinking of a still-reeling-from-Hollow-Mind Hunter, freshly dumped in another dimension with his weirdo stalker who turns out to be the father he'd just gotten used to thinking never existed, and I'm looking over at Agony!Hunter and Lament!Hunter for comparison and wincing.

I commented on another post about how I feel like Hunter would WILDLY vacillate between "you should've just kidnapped me by force!" and "yeah I was definitely super brainwashed and would've run back to tell Belos everything first chance I got" for the first…however long it takes for him to come to terms with this. But I can also see him lashing out at Jasper, like, here's some of the awful things Belos did to me, I hope that telling you about them makes you hurt because I feel like you abandoned me and I'm angry. But then that eventually goes in the complete opposite direction, like, I'm not going to tell you about what horrible memory gave me nightmares tonight even though I'd feel better if I did, because I know you love me and you were trying your best and you've been hurting every day for 16 years while you tried to get me back, and I don't want to hurt you more.

Jasper just…trying to get his kid to talk to him if he needs to. Probably at some point when Hunter's clammed up Jasper has to open up a bit himself like, look, nothing you could say is going to surprise me, that man gave me more opportunities to look at my insides than I want to remember; I'll be angry and sad about what you went through, but I've spent 16 years thinking about what he might have been doing to you and trust me, nothing you say is going to send me into a horrified shock response. Maybe he's reluctant to talk about his own experiences much because 1) Remembering sucks, and 2) He doesn't want Hunter thinking he's trying to upstage his pain, but like…they have adjacent trauma from the same abuser, they're gonna understand each other on a wavelength most other people won't get.

I do feel at the very least though Jasper would nip whatever personhood-related crisis Hunter might be having in the bud. Nope, nope, none of that; it took me 12 years to figure out I was a real person with feelings, and I didn't bargain with Belos to convince him to allow you the privilege of thinking you're a person just for you to start questioning it because you found out you're part vegetable. You've got 16 years experience of believing you're a person, that's a fantastic foundation that you should NOT take a sledgehammer to. Are we real people? We damn well BETTER be after all the work I put into figuring out emotions! Maybe this is like, the one thing Jasper really puts his foot down on. He's fine if Hunter's angry at him or if Hunter never forgives him or whatever, but he absolutely draws the line at Hunter thinking he might not be a real person.

Probably doesn't help that the whole situation is likely compounded by Hunter's guilt that oh, all his friends had to leave their family behind and are super worried about them, and he just GOT his dad back but he can't even be grateful about it?? What kind of horrible person is he??

And later on, when they've progressed past the worst of the anger, and Hunter has realized that yeah, he really does want a relationship with his dad. Then his issues of self-worth and believing love is conditional come into play.

I'm imagining some point where they're having a quiet conversation, maybe on the couch late at night. Maybe it started with Hunter asking why - why did you even care, why were you so willing to die for me when you barely knew me for two minutes. And Jasper is like I don't know, I just did, but that's not good enough for Hunter so he keeps talking. He talks about growing Hunter, all the work he put in and the attention to detail, about how excited he was, how he'd quietly talk to the planter box and spill out what he was only starting to realize were real feelings, about how he'd put his finger in Hunter's little palm and feel his heart stutter when his hand closed around it.

And Hunter listens to all of this in silence, watches Jasper smiling at the memories while he speaks, and he starts thinking about himself. About how he's never been able to maintain Belos's approval, how he's never been able to impress the coven heads, how he's just a half-a-witch who's never been anywhere near as powerful as Jasper is, how he's never been able to beat the Martlet in combat, how he's got so many punishment scars, how he's been such an awful, ungrateful brat these last few weeks to this man who loves him so much; love is conditional and Hunter has done nothing to earn Jasper's love and he probably needs to figure out how to fix that before he loses what seems to be a good thing, except his failures are many and his debt to Jasper is enormous and there is absolutely no way he will ever be able to impress or repay this man.

Jasper is still smiling into the middle distance as he says something about how badly he wanted to meet Hunter and how curious he was about what kind of person he'd be when he emerged.

Hunter feels a rock sink in his stomach, and very quietly says, "Sorry for the disappointment."

And Jasper blinks and looks down at Hunter, pure confusion on his face, and asks, "Why would I be disappointed?"

ahhHHHH

jasper completely blindsided by this. he doesn't have the proper experience with hunter's self worth issues yet to expect stuff like this, its just fully like. what?? disappointed??? when did i say that?? did i make it sound like that??? shit im doing a really bad job at this i guess. but also like. disappointed?? how could i ever be disappointed? you're alive! you have friends! I'm so happy! this is everything i ever wanted! and hunter is like no, i mean, disappointed by me and what i turned out like, i'm not nearly as brave or loyal as you, im a coward. and jasper is just floored. like ???? no! you are so smart and creative and kind and you are brave! what are you talking about??? you're a great kid! cue hunter bursting into tears

[horce-divorce]

happy 1st anniversary @smeetlinglord 🥰💖🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🫀💘🏳️‍🌈🌈

I cant believe it's been just over 3 years since this man walked out of my dreams and into my campsite (or rather, I walked into his?), and 1 year to the day since we stood in the kitchen of his little green house-- the place it had called home for over 9 years, the place he was being evicted from, we had already begun to pack and there were open boxes on the floor-- and the whole room smelled like coffee, and he put his hands around my waist in the sunshine from the south-facing window, and he looked at me, really looked at me, and said, "I want you to be my boyfriend."

i couldn't even begin to tell you why this meant so much to me, here, now, coming from hymn, of all people... and i also couldn't stop once I started. so i wrote about 10k words on it and i'm gonna post that elsewhere :) <3

we've had a tumultuous year to say the least. beginning a new relationship right on the heels of becoming homeless is a high stakes choice, and one we talked about at length for weeks before we made it official. since last july, bel has gone through a series of some of the worst trauma he's ever endured, and having to watch hymn bear so much pain and be powerless to stop it has been maddening-- but the idea of hymn going through all of this alone is much, much worse. even on his worst days, there's nowhere on earth i'd rather be than by his side; even on his worst days, the world is still that much better of a place to be in, because he is still here.

his story is one that's played out, in some fashion, time and time again. his abusive, transphobic landlord/egg donor made hymn homeless, and his disabilities made work impossible, leaving hymn with nowhere else to go.

i also had nowhere else to go at that point, but I did have a car, and we already spent most of our time camping together. as mentioned, it's how we met. the national forests are one of the last places where it's truly free and legal(ish) to be homeless; as long as you move every 14 days you're in the clear-- and we were lucky enough to already be deeply familiar with one such area.

we got displaced from our campsite over the winter and wound up couch-surfing for a time. bel sought help at a hospital only to be further traumatized, enough to seek legal recourse in the future. then we got stuck at our friend's when our car/home needed multiple repairs, and the situation continued to be further retraumatizing for a number of reasons.

through it all, even with all the horrific things he's endured just in the past year, Bellamy has been the best partner and most stalwart friend i've ever had-- and we have the most solid foundation of any relationship i've ever been in. he makes me feel so secure and loved in a way i've never experienced before. it teaches me so much and actually pushes me to be better, and to make functional change, something past partners talked a lot about but never truly did.

before we even got together we talked a lot about what we both want in a partner, anyway, and the main thing we're both looking for is just... company. the buddy system, no matter what happens, good, bad, or indifferent. life never stops. we have to learn to roll with the punches. we have to learn and try to be who we want to be even under the worst stress, because we can't ever give up on ourselves, and we shouldn't ever give up on each other because of hardship, either. that's the times when we should be holding together even tighter.

there's plenty i wish i could change about the past year, but there isn't a single moment i regret or would change about us. there isn't a single second i've shared with hymn that i would trade away, for anything. any amount of material security i've ever briefly had pales in comparison to the way i feel when he looks at me. I am so proud of him and everything he's managed to accomplish and become in spite of how hard this world has tried to bring him down. And I have never been more proud to be someone's lover, partner, caretaker, and friend.

Bellamy is the most incredible, amazing, inspiring, loving, passionate, genuine, wholehearted, most alive person I have ever met. He has such a powerful sense of self, and justice, and wonder and curiosity. He is such a wonderfully skilled vocalist, and artist, and listener and friend. I've known hymn for 3 years now and every day i look at it and i still can't believe he's real. Not only does the perfect man exist, he's gay, he's t4t, he lived in the same hemisphere and even the same 50 mile radius as me, AND he chose ME to be HIS guy!!!!

queer love is sacred <3 T4T IS FIXING ME!!!!! I LOVE HYMN!!!!!!

[koipalm]

Hello! The same Mai Fan here!

I see where you’re coming from. But imo, I feel like the whole “Jujutsu world treat twins as one” is such a cop-out to what was their arc was setting up to be.

Like The whole conflict with Maki and Mai is that they don’t completely understand each nor work together. Because Maki is too independent vs Mai’s codependency.

Maki is a very starch individualist who only focus was to become stronger to prove that the Zenin Clan were wrong about her. That want she says to both Yuta and Nobara. To me, Maki is not interested in changing the system like Gojo is, she is just focused on herself, hence why she says that she’s not interested in saving people when Megumi asked her what type of people she want to save.

In comparison, Mai is a scared individual who’s scared of curses, and was also abused along side with Maki. With her only source of comfort and love was from her twin sister. Thus when Maki left without telling Mai or thinking how how Mai would feel, it deeply hurts Mai. Hence why she lashes out by hurling insults. Mai is trying to get any form of attention from Maki. But we know that Mai does look up to Maki, she thinks Maki is the better twin and such.

Both have nuances and interesting ways on how they cope with their trauma. None of them are the “good twin” or “bad twin”/ “good victim” or “bad victim”. They are two different people, who have valid thoughts and feelings, but are definitely going about their trauma the wrong way. Maki pushes everyone away, while Mai tend to lashes out and blames others. Both are not coping the greatest.

The set up was for them to grow, learn, and understand each other and break the cycle of violence/abuse by loving each other as family.

Now, it should be said that I do think Maki did start to think more about Mai after the Kyoto vs Tokyo event, but I wholeheartedly believe that Maki did left the clan for herself and not necessarily for Mai. But that’s my interpretation.

So when this whole explanation that the world treats twins as one… It splits in the face of all that set up.

No Mai. You are not Maki, and Maki isn’t you. The while set up was because Mai was different from Maki. It’s why she was unable to leave like Maki. Mai is weak, scared, and struggles so much. But even that still have its strength. Because Mai is weak she is able to bond more with people and value connections, hence why her bond with Momo and Miwa is so strong. Maki have people, but again, she only have them at an arm distance, not really getting too close to them.

But going back to the whole Mai’s sacrifice thing. I feel like it should not be treated as a good thing that Mai decided to sacrifice herself. Because… she basically commits suicide. She was willing to die because she can’t see herself being better and she believes she’ll just drag Maki down. Which apparently is true due to the terrible twins explanation.

In my opinion, I feel like a better story for Mai would for Mai to live and learning that her life still have value even if she is weak. Because her trying hard and struggling to live despite her weakness is a beautiful story.

And not only that Mai dying doesn’t really help Maki’s arc either since Maki didn’t do the damn bare minimum to understand Mai’s feelings before she died. Now I do think Maki does love Mai, of course she does, but only at a distance, because Maki is scared of that vulnerability. So that whole death scene, Maki didn’t learn anything nor grow, she just gets a power up in the dispense of Mai’s arc.

Like all of this things doesn’t feel like a conclusive arc for either of them. It only feels like the author wanting to cut their arc short to keep the story shorter but doing so butchered it so badly.

And also, yes. The fact that Mai is apparently fine being a sword for the rest of her existence is also a spot to want Mai actually want, which was to live a normal life. They soooo objectify her. It’s… so bad.

Mai deserves so much better…

Oh no! Sorry for the long ask!

NO BECAUSE I DIDNT EVEN CONSIDER THIS... YOURE RIGHT YOURE RIGHT....

youve got such a good point, i feel like maki in the end wasn't fully able to understand her sister and her dream, and i feel like a lot of her character is mostly used to make maki into another toji. i didnt even consider it from that standpoint but this really changes my understanding of it.... tbh i think the best way that mais story could have gone is if she was the only person to truly leave the jujutsu world, and she lives despite the disaster because of it.... i feel like it would help reinforce that her viewpoint is not a failing of her character, and it would be interesting juxtaposed with getos "killing all humans will save sorcerers from pain" and nanamis "being a sorcerer is shit but at least i helped a kid" like. considering that she herself as a kid would be leaving the jujutsu world it would be an interesting message of saving yourself

[jerzwriter]

This isn't hate but I am curious about why all your LIs are such marshmallows. I've read OH and WTD. Ethan, Tobias and Eli all come across as darker, brooding characters. I'm genuinely curious how you came to such a different conclusion.

Hey Nonny,

You know whenever I see "This isn't hate, but..." I'm triggered. lol The most hateful shit I've ever seen (for myself and others) tends to start with those very words. However, I don't take your ask as hate, but we seem to have differing opinions - which is fine in my book. We definitely have a different take on the three characters in canon.

When it comes to Tobias, we don't know much about him at all. That's one of the things I love about the character, we can take the little we have and make him our own. But, the very last thing I would ever call Tobias is dark or brooding. He was kind of the opposite of dark and brooding as far as I could see. He was very charismatic, he was a flirt, and he loved to bust balls (especially if they were Ethan's). He was boisterous and, to me, seemed bigger than life, the life of the party type. That's the polar opposite of dark and brooding to me.

He is romantic - but I think he was romantic even before Casey - it was just part of his "smooth" schtick, and it wasn't always sincere. With Casey, the first woman he ever truly loved, it all comes from the most genuine place, but it was who he always was. I've always said I see Tobias as "Go big or go home" with everything he does, and being in love... he is all in and not afraid to show it.

With Ethan and Eli, I can see the dark and brooding, but there was more to them - even in the limited character development world that is Pixelberry.

With Eli, I don't think we met the "true" Eli. We met a man who endured extreme trauma and spent three years in solitude attempting to cope. I never bought the lone wolf act. If he were truly a lone wolf, he wouldn't have joined the group. He wouldn't care about anyone or Olympus. If he was truly a lone wolf, he wouldn't have gone from an island to "the way I feel with you is worth any risk" in the space of a month. Now, do I think Eli is like Tobias or Troy underneath it all, no, I don't. But I think there is a much softer, more relaxed version of Eli. Through his interactions with his new found "family", and especially through his love with Zoe, in my HC, we will come to see the true Eli, who he was before the world and its cruelty changed him. I think he'll warm up with all, but he'll still keep up a wall with most. Only those closest to him will see his truly softer side.

Ethan is similar, but maybe on a lesser scale. Sure, being abandoned by one's parent sucks and leaves damage (I speak from personal experience), but it pales in comparison to what Eli endured. Still, it altered who Ethan was. There are acts in our lives that are so impactful, in good or bad ways, that leave us, different people. The version of us before and after these events bear some similarities, but they are diametrically changed. For Ethan, I think Louie's leaving was one such event. I think the end of his friendship with Tobias was another.

Unlike Eli, I think the Ethan we meet IS Ethan, and I don't think I change his overall personality. He remains sarcastic, he remains a wiseass. In some ways, he remains dull and a bit too old for his age. But he softens, he gets in touch with another side of himself when he learns to love and learns to trust, and that is through his relationship with Kaycee. I should point out, I don't think it's through Kaycee alone, I think it was an amalgamation... Dolores, Alan, Naveen... they were all people who always kept him grounded and tied to that gentler side, just a bit. But falling in love with Kaycee helped him expose a more vulnerable side of himself that he buried because he was too afraid to let it show. Did it change him as a person? No. Did it improve him and make him a happier man overall? Yep. It's called growth, and it's a good thing when it happens.

Now, with Ethan... there is a marshmallow period... and that's when Emma is born. Kaycee was a life-changing event for him, Emma was life-changing on speed. But, the whole world doesn't get that Ethan, that's pretty much limited for his little girl, his wife, and those closest to them will get glimpses of it as well.

Thanks for the ask!

[cherry-casino]

1! quite a few, actually. therian, copinglink, fictionkin, fictionhearted, fictionheir (do those count?), and a possible kin (not sure if its kin or therian yet)

2! (in no specific order)

brown tabby american shorthair cat (therian)

orange tabby norwegian forest cat (therian)

white lily cookie (fictionkin)

angel (copinglink)

the list of fictionheirs is far too long, but the main ones are tails and affogato cookie (weird combo, ik)

possible snow leopard kin/therian

3! i get shifts quite often! not like, lots, but a decent amount. my main shifts are sensory shifts and phantom shifts, but mental shifts arent that uncommon for me either :)

an i think the weirdest cameo shift ive ever had was this one weird (and rare for me) dream shift. which is already weird considering i hardly dream, much less dream shift, but i was a lizard. just some. random garden lizard. like the ones you see outside on the playground. idk what i was doing

4! the wording of this is. kinda hard for me to wrap my head around. but uh. i guess one of the things ive done is ive decorated bits of my room to correspond with my alterhumanity! ive got a little feather on a string i hung near my bed, and i have this vase of fake lilies :) stuff like that to remind me of who i am! i also tend to go and interact with the other cats we have quite often. just uh. the little things.

5! my outlook on the community changes depending on what PART of the community we're talking about.

like i think the tumblr therian community is pretty good. probably one of the best ive seen so far.

tiktok is horrid. but not everyone there sucks. ive noticed that a lot of the therians/other alterhumans there just find themselves misinformed, or led down the wrong paths. with a bit of enlightenment i think it could be fixed.

youtube is decent imo. theres a lot of misinformation there as well, but if you can find the right creators with the right mindsets, you can find a safe place. also a lot of the quadrobists and mask makers on there are super sweet!!!

twitter. i have no comment. i dont fw twitter i dont touch twitter everrrrrr nuhuh.

discord is pretty good as well tho!!!! ive found lots of therian friends through discord and they r all AMAZING shoutout 2 them <3

6! oh. ohhhhhhhhh listen. this might some weird but one of the things that makes me just. soooo euphoric. ohh. when i meow at another cat and it meows back. like yes!!!!!! you understand me!!!!!!!!!!!!! also for some reason chewing on wood is a close second. my other cats like to do it and its actually like. super fun i love it. the only bad thing is ive gotten so many splinters from like chewing on popsicle sticks and stuff :(

7! yeah. far too often. and the body dysphoria stacked on top of it doesnt help :( where are my pawsssssssss :((((

8! take it slow. and dont push yourself to do anything. please. ive been a therian for about a year now (not very long, i know, but this is just for comparison) and i still dont know everything about my theriotypes and my kintypes. im still working really hard to try and learn quads, and itll take me a very long time to master even the basics. dont be afraid to take your time. alterhumanity isn't something that comes quickly to all, or any, for that matter. dont be ashamed to take it slow.

9! i would LOVE to get my paws on a few masks or tails but due to my parents i don't think thatll be happening anytime soon :( i do have a cardboard mask i started tho! it should be done in a few days, and as long as they dont find it i think we'll be okay

10! a lot of mine stemmed from trauma i think. it seems like the most legitimate answer for me as of now, but im still looking into it :)

11! uhhhh uhm m not quite sure who id tag for this so uh... anyone and everyone is welcome t answer this!!! :D

If you are a alterhuman, reblog and answer these questions!

(don't be afraid to write a lot, do what you want ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

5/ What do you think of the community?

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

[epipenis]

i know we must find ways to peel ourselves from the other and in enmesh, but i worry that if we do we will fall out of love. at least, i will.

that’s what i worry. that probably says a lot huh.

oh well.

it’s both the fear of loving the enmesh, you know, bc of trauma and abandonment and shit, and the fear that when all that is taken away, what left? will i still be in love? am i in love now if that’s the case? or just a toxic bastard who should be put down like a cow with a gangrenous front leg. am i so stupid that i could have confused the two or worse mixed them? have i lost myself that fully? or am i just so hurt and angry and sad and all those things in some way or another that i feel them towards you? or can i just not see the other side? or do i just worry i wouldn’t be able to learn to love you if i found myself out of love?

i often think we shouldn’t have gotten into this relationship- that we weren’t ready. either of us, separately, or together. but then i think how can i know and does it even matter, because we are here, and we are both different for it, forever.

sometimes i resent that change, sometimes i don’t.

i want and am trying ti be more honest about my feelings. frequently i just don’t have the tools once they’re out there. i can’t speak for you but the reactions i get and have gotten haven’t helped. but i know i should be stronger- to get us though those times. as i have in the past.

i worry that i’ve thought you everything i know and have deteriorated in the process. i worry that i’ve learned nothing- or if not i have learned meal adaptively, or if not that i’ve learned so little in comparison. what’s worse is that you don’t need me. and yet in all of this i’ve found myself needing you. and i hate it. i hate feeling….. useless. burdensome. pathetic.

i think of cutting open my wrists and watching the blood. but i’m not sure who i’d be doing it for.

i think about a rope around my neck. i think about driving my car into a tree. i think about all the stupid pain. i think about floating into nothing. i think about a society so broken that i must rely on others and thus can never fully grow. how can there ever be consent when we are getting fucked this way. i complain about capitalism so frequently it feels performative to say it’s name. so i’ll only say it once. to not detract from what i’m trying to feel. if this is the best i’ll ever be because i can never find true growth and attachment and want again because of the boot in my neck telling me i’ll die, well… then maybe it is too late for me. i should’ve figured it out as a kid. before things got…. capital. but i couldn’t. things were too bad then. what good does it do me to reminisce. what good does it do me to contemplate. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want this life. i think that’s why i hate it so viscerally when people say “that’s life”. if that’s life then just shoot me. it’s dramatic, but it’s real. i might as well just become a heroin addict. i feel like my only shot is to disappear. to be like sam. i just don’t think it would work for me. i’m too….. vulnerable. i just don’t know what else to do anymore. i spend time hopping from dopamine hit to dopamine hit. i make art about my pain but it feel trivial and performative, and the act of making art and thinking i could be praised for it temporarily fixes the pain. so i think about making art for no one. that’s this i think. i think if i was trying to placate i’d say more or less about certain things, make it seem nice. but whatever. i’m trying not to hope people see this. frequently i do hope people see these posts because all i know is performance, survival. i don’t know myself at all. i don’t know what i want. i don’t know anything. how does one disappear? id like to ask him.

my favorite moments are the storms, the tragedy, the fear, to pause, the deviation. i long for a world where i could go to another state and disappear. i think we have failed the people but saved the species with how things are now. all of us individually will suffer, but the system will guarantee the survival of the theoretical. of what could come to be. of the people that could exist. of the people we could be. only the wealthy, the empowered will be able to claim it, will be able to steer it. that’s why elon is so successful, with people i mean. they want a piece of that, so badly, and he can control it, they will gaslight themselves willingly into believing it’s their own. that they’ve got any claim to it. we are all lost. we are all doomed. i am no real artist, im a thief. i don’t want control, not really, i just want survival, like the others have. i can’t have it. i can’t get it. and so i dream of an end. i dream of blowing up. of burning it all, of nothing. i don’t want to hurt anybody, so really, thats the worst part. because there is nothing to actually destroy. just myself. i can’t decide if it matters or not. that link had it right. burn. it will mean nothing, but it will mean everything. it’s the one thing i have. it’s the one thing i can destroy, hurt. it’s the one thing that is indicative of the theoretical at all. ugh. i don’t want to die. i just want to be once again mesmerized by the patterns of shadows in grass and the places the paint has faded, the shapes and world around me. now i see nothing. i often think my eyesight is going because i can see so little. nothing stays with me. i am a shell being occupied by a memory. i’m starting to resent therapists because truly can anyone help me? no, they are lost too, they cannot give it to me. i miss sex. i miss cumming. i miss giving myself that’s dopamine shot. i miss feeling desired, i miss these things. truly they’re not all that related. but i think being an addict is one of the only ways to get through the day at this point. i want to burn it all. my phone. my body, my mind. this society. the people who promise to help me. we are all only looking out for ourselves. altruism does not exist, not here. light me ablaze and send me down the river. i think i don’t kill myself partially bc pain and such but in this line of thought, i think because i wouldn’t be able to watch it. i couldn’t see it. i could t see the aftermath. get any of the gratification. and self harm sucks bc it just hurts. i’ve only ever done it for performance. i’m and idiot for that. i can destroy nothing. idk if it’s the biological imperative or the culture or what but they’ve cracked the code on this one. i will simply be a cash cow for them in some capacity or another and live life as a head down addict to something or another because why bother with anything else. i don’t have hope for change- i’m not a true comrade because i don’t believe they fight could happen or would be worth it. selfishly i just want to be ‘ok’. and that wouldn’t be ok, that would be conflict. i have given up on the theoretical and there is very little tangible that is here for me. i can’t tell if that means i’ve won or lost. who knows. i’ll read a fan fic about a fantasy world and feel smth for once. i’ll want their wants because the world is different. i will simultaneously hate fiction because what the point of trying to learn and project. it all means nothing unless i can carry it with me during the day. i only care about anything because i’m an addict. and i can’t even cum anymore because every time i think of you it hurts too much and then it brings it back ti the beginning. what am i. just kill me. no, i’ll just sleep and make people like me and try to remember how to cum and eat good food and escape for the addiction. that’s how i get through the days. nothing else means anything to me. nothing else matters. nothing matters. maybe i should die.

[snow-system-wol]

Another short one -- us realizing that every single one of S'ria's canon or potentially canon combat classes are accidentally very much him not using magic. We had interesting thoughts about what that could mean.

I am not certain *exactly* when this takes place, but it's likely in the 5.5 - very early 6.0 range.

Ao3 link

[vague implication of past medical trauma]

"I don't want you to have to keep sitting here in pain, maybe we should… give up on this for now. You should heal it yourself."

G'raha raised an eyebrow. "Ria, 'tis quite literally just a scratch, I hardly feel it. You can try a little longer, if this is important to you."

"It is important to me." S'ria's voice sounded already very fatigued. "That's why this is so frustrating. This is so simple, I just need to…heal it." His shoulders dropped. "I have no idea what I'm doing, it just doesn't click. I don't know why Menphina can but I just can't."

"You just need to channel your aether. It should feel easy and natural, like when you attune to aetherytes or the flow of aether currents – so try imagining that sensation and working from that."

S'ria's hands fell from where they were hovering over G'raha's arm to rest flat on the floor. "...is it supposed to feel 'easy and natural' to do those things? I thought it took everyone a lot of effort." He willed himself to not start crying. "I see."

G'raha shifted to sit next to S'ria, leaning gently into his shoulder. "You do not need the aid of magic to be a formidable ally. There is no one I'd rather have in a fight. And besides, there are plenty of people who cannot properly channel aether, such as –".

"Garleans. Such as Garleans." S'ria's voice was flat, but there was a deep anger just below this surface.

"...such as Thancred, was what I was going to say".

S'ria sighed and forced his posture into something less tense. "That is an easier comparison, yes."

"Given the cause of Thancred's difficulties, might you have some sort of block or stagnation – even if it's just psychological? I'm afraid that 'tis beyond me to properly check, but there are others. Mayhap we could have someone, a specialist, take a look at you –"

"No!" S'ria immediately leaned away from G'raha, ears flat against his skull. He looked confused and alarmed by his own reaction. "No… no doctors, no evaluations, no one looking and testing and..." S'ria cut himself with a grimace.

Several questions formed and died on G'raha's tongue, none of them feeling the right level of delicate or respectful to speak into existence. Why not? or. Is there something I should know? or. Did He do something that created an association? He let them all go. Knowing the cause of the fear wasn't important unless S'ria actually wanted to work through it. Avoiding the topic of S'ria's younger years, there remained one question that he could not help but ask.

"Have you ever been medically examined for the sake of your health any time in the last decade?" He said it as gently and nonjudgmentally as he could.

S'ria shook his head miserably, looking as though he feared G'raha would be upset with him. G'raha could not say he wasn't concerned, with all that S'ria's body had been subjected to in the rather brutal last several years. (Good gods, mayhap that should've been a priority after the Light was poisoning him for months). But...

"Ria, 'tis all right, I shall drop it. We can cross that bridge if it becomes necessary, and you may always consult my medical knowledge first if that's more comfortable."

S'ria nodded, hesitantly lifting his hands to hover over the scratch on G'raha's arm. "Can I just…keep trying? For a little longer?"

"May I ask why you are so set on learning? Is it truly so bad if Menphina hones her skills instead? As you've said, she's always been quite responsive, and able to help you heal without even displacing you fully."

S'ria sighed. "I'm not…unwilling to kill, Twelve know I've done plenty of it – but I'd like to be able to help someone in a way that doesn't involve violence. Surely the Warrior of Light can be more than just that?"

G'raha gently took S'ria's hands in his. "Look at me?" S'ria half-complied. "You do help people in other ways. When we rescue people that try to flinch away from your touch, I've seen the care and empathy you afford them, the way you try to reassure – and before you say that's Menphina, I know you do it too."

S'ria looked at G'raha, confused and not much comforted. "I mean – how could I not? Isn't that the bare minimum, if I understand what their suffering is like?"

G'raha squeezed his hand. "No. It is not the bare minimum, and that you even believe that is a testament to you caring. It's easy to rid people of a problem – less so to help ease their hearts once the dust has settled."

S'ria leaned down and gently bumped his forehead against G'raha's. "Thank you, I appreciate you saying as such, even if I'm not fully convinced. I shall let this go for the moment, before I exhaust myself." He drew back with a determined look. "This is not me wholly giving up on the idea."

G'raha chuckled fondly. "I would not dream of presuming that."

[zachsgamejournal]

PLAYING: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Ok, ok KOTOR--good move. I like the twist. It's got me reflecting on the story so far. Not a fan of the writing, but the twist works...

I dread playing KOTOR. It's slow moving, repetitive, and the writing is a disappointment. I've not been compelled to play. This is simply a slog I must push through to say, "Yeah, I've played it" and get on to thee games I'm really excited about. That said, the plot twist was a good move. I'm not sure I'm all "OH SHIT--that's mind blowing!" as I am, "Oh--all that bad writing before makes more sense. Ok, ok...let's see where you go with this."

Bad writing is a bit harsh. But if I were to use a binary system, I would call this bad--not good. But if you threw in a game like...Well like any Resident Evil--though I love those games more, the dialog is pretty atrocious. So RE has bad writing, but good plot and ok characters. By comparison, KOTOR would have ok-to-good writing, with decent to good characters, and bland-to-good plot. As far as the plot, that twist is what's keeping it alive.

SO--where we left off was Kashyyyk. An old Jedi wanted me to get rid of poachers. I feel like he was ok with me using lethal force, but I lean towards not killing and fighting where I can. I tried to use the force to make one of the poachers abandon his post, but he interpreted that as murder his comrades! WHOA--no, that's not what I said...Anyway, I found the "non-violent" way--which allows a large, murderous monster to chase them away.

Next, we found a star map guarded by a holographic questionnaire. Apparently you needed to prove your connection to the original creator, owners--something. That meant making strategic choices in hypothetical situations. Being a good-leaning dude, I tried to choose the most noble answers. Those were "wrong" and killer robots were sent after me. I could not beat them. Given it's just a questionnaire, I chose the correct answers, which were usually sacrificing the lives of the innocent to gain tactical advantages. Whatever, starmap found.

I then wandered around Kashyyyk, cleaning up side quests. This has been the easiest of the worlds. No back-and forth. Just a bunch of "While you're out there, here's a few things to pick up." It reminded me the most of World of Warcraft which then made me reflect on how World of Warcraft-like the gameplay is. It especially reminded me of when I made a private server with bots that I could control, so I was in a squad of 5 and I could make different characters use their abilities. Then I was like, "Damn, I wish I could just be playing WoW right now."

So, if there's anything I like about KOTOR--it's the similarities to WoW.

After helping the Wookies sort out who should be chief (I went with the Wookie that wasn't going to sell their own people into slavery), the Wookies rebelled against the corporate forces occupying the planet. It was a good victory for the enslaved Wookies, but then they began to discuss how outsiders would no longer be welcomed on the planet. I get it--they're having some trauma, but xenophobia isn't the answer either. The problem was slavery and exploitation--that's where you focus your attention. Not "outsiders bad, wookie good".

Somehow Carth learns the son he thought was dead is on a planet the Sith use for a homebase of sorts. Not only that, but he's training to be a Sith. Carth is upset, and deciding to focus on people, I sent us to that planet immediately. I was a bit anxious at first as we need to blend in as Sith-friendly. While almost everyone recognized me and companions on Jedi, they assumed we were converting to Sith. That's nice.

It was an interesting set of missions. I took on a Master, who immediately asked me to betray the head Sith school teacher--or whatever he is. To sound Sithy, I agreed. I also learned that I could get to know this master and her sob-story that led her down the sithy ways. Turns out she's not all bad, just making terrible choices that lead to a lot of death. There's a strong theme of redemption and "no one is too far gone." That's going to play into the twist.

Which...it's interesting, cause according to the guide I did the sith world out of order. And the twist happens when you finish the third planet. So according to the "order" I wouldn't visit the Sith world until I had experienced the twist. That's weird. Knowing the twist changes the context of that planet, as well as making the fact that I wandered around unbothered completely crazy.

anyway, I have to explore some tombs with some kinda ok puzzles to collect stuff and prove my sithiness. I also "pretend" to kill some Sith that have decided they don't like it. There were opportunities to encourage Sith-wannabes to abandon the dark path, and I took it as much as possible. I could also try to befriend my master, who was very cutthroat when I met her.

In the end, we end up killing the grandmaster of the school and then we fight. She surrenders and I'm given the option to execute her. But I encouraged her to head back to the light (we're friends after all). I kinda wanted her to join my team.

We also found Carth's son. He was being all angsty, but given how angsty his dad is--what else would one expect. I accidentally skipped the part where we convince his son not to be a sith, so I ended up replaying 2 hours of the game so I could get that win. I needed Carth to be happy. Er...something.

Leaving the planet we're intercepted by a Sith ship and Darth Malack is on his way to see us. While being interrogated, the commander says some things and I'm like, "What do you mean", and he's like, "OH, you don't know the truth--haha, wait till you learn the truth about your 'friends'"--which basically said, "OH SHIT YOU'RE REALLY THE MASTER SITH THAT THEY SAID DIED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME AND YOU HAD MEMORY LOSS."

They really revealed their hand on this one. So when they try to pull a Fight Club later and show you flash backs that hint at the truth of your character actually being Darth Revan, I was like--yeah, I'm already there. Thanks for catching up with me though. Maybe the writers are fine that they spoiled their own twist. Maybe the writers did just to make people like me feel smart and superior. I don't know--but it did have me reflecting on the game. I've considered much of the writing to be rough, sexist, xenophobic, and without much diversity. But with the context of this revelation--maybe some of it works...

So the writing, my issue is the dialog choices are pretty shit. They either are A. multiple choices that say the same thing. Or B. represent a cringe perspective of the writer(s). Like with Bastila--the game constantly tries to get you to hit on her. And it's not in the sweet, romantic, "I think our connection is moving beyond friendship"--it's more of the affectionately aggressive, no-means-yes, Han Solo way. And quite often when other characters are getting heated, your own choices are very passive-aggressive, or condescending commands. Especially with the Wookie on Kashyyyk. Maybe there's an implied racism in your character, but you're encouraged to talk down to him. And there's just a general lack of boundaries.

To continue with my rant--good listening is asking open-ended questions. The game does not practice good listening. You're often given choices to demand that people share their backstories, and when they refuse to do so, your choices are often snarky or aggressive. There's no good listener wanting to empathetically build intimacy with their crew. I'm curious if anything impacts the dialog options--like intelligence, class, light-dark side?

I get that people love Han Solo. I don't. When I watched the old Star Wars, I was interested in Luke. I naive brat that wanted everyone to do the right thing. While he was naive and foolish, he still valued being good and was willing to do for others as much as himself. Han, on the other hand, was not a particularly good guy. He was very selfish, a little sexist, and very aggressive and inappropriate with his affections. I think of those Hoth scenes where instead of saying, Leia, I have feelings for you and I don't know how to express it--he just says shit like, "I bet you wanna kiss me you love-starved horn-dog" and then walks off. While that's a character flaw and great for drama, I think people too easily identified that as "cool, alpha male" behavior.

Anyway--that's what this writing feels like. It's not about choice or expressing yourself as a player--it's about being a cool, alpha. Maybe. i don't now. Maybe it's good.

So yeah, wandered around on the Sith ship. Explored a bunch stuff, killed a bunch of sith, and stole all their junk. I've finally learned how to use my special abilities, like throwing a light saber, ha! Also learned that my equipment was preventing me from using abilities like resisting the force. Damn, I could have used that while attacking the Sith world. I read a guide that insisted on using heavy armor, but my Jedi robes aren't heavy armor and I actually haven't found any heavy armor worth wearing. No idea what that was insisted upon.

I had thoughts about the silly moral system and it's connection to the antagonistic dialog options. I'll save it for later.

I fought Malack, and the truth that the Jedi had brain washed my character so he wouldn't realize he was the greatest, most evilest sith to have lived. It's made some of the dialog make more sense, including Balista's grumpiness towards me. I would have liked to see more subtle clues. Like Carth didn't trust me from the get go. He explains he doesn't trust anyone. But if he had known I was Revan, then it would have made his doubt more logical.

There's also an ethical issue--while yes, we're saying anyone can be redeemed--what the Jedi did was pretty bad. They brainwashed their enemy to manipulate him into giving them access to military advantages. That's such a personal betrayal. If a person is their consciousness, then to destroy Revan's consciousness to make him a Jedi again is kind of murder. And then they've filled his force-sensitive shell with a more docile, obedient ally. All for a leg-up. While the Sith are definitely bad--this is really bad.

We'll see how it all goes.

[rosiewitchescottage]

There's a fine line between people objecting to LGBT content because they don't want their children being to!d about Same Sex Love.

And people objecting because either we don't like the sexually explicit material finding its way into school libraries and children's libraries, and/or needlessly confusing gender ideology being pushed into children.

Now. I'm sure that there will be parents who simply don't want anything related to Same Sex Love anywhere close to their children.

But not everyone who objects is in this category.

There are many members of the LGBT Community included.

Gays Against Groomers as a prime example.

Grooming isn't entirely about sex either.

Pushing Gender Ideology into children is seen as grooming for a particular world view.

What's wrong with a female girl simply being masculine or androgynous rather than feminine?

This may simply be her way, with no other reasons. But she may turn out to be a lesbian, same sex attracted.

She may be dealing with some trauma or worry, that puts her ill at ease with her developing female body.

This isn't the same as gender dysphoria, needing to live as a boy and man, maybe having to take medication all his life etc.

Yes. This is the right path for some people. But it's rare.

Most of these girls simply need to learn that their female bodies are the right place for them to be, and that they can be girls in whatever way is right for them.

Exactly the same with boys.

Yes. In rare cases a lad with gender dysphoria will need to be able to live as a girl and later a woman.

But far more will simply need help to learn that it is perfectly fine to be feminine or androgynous boys and men.

They may turn out to be gay men, same sex attracted. They may simply be feminine or androgynous, with no especial reason.

They may have Autiam, they may be dealing with a trauma in life.

We shouldn't be confusing children by detaching biological sex from woman/girlhood, man/boyhood.

Gender Non Conformity more often than not simply means not conforming with the social stereotypes traditionally associated with our biological sex.

Point out that some people DO need to live as the opposite sex, by all means. Let them know that it's perfectly fine.

But that it's rare. And that most people live as their biological sex. But that we can express it in whatever way is right for us.

Objection to sexually explicit content being pushed into children, is NOT automatically homophobic or transphobic.

Not unless people are targeted specifically for being same sex attracted or for a gender identity. No way is that acceptable.

We're talking about challenging inappropriate behaviour and attitudes.

Neither of which come automatically with being same sex attracted or with being transexual

A drag queen should NOT be twerking, lap dancing or pole dancing for children. Yet there is video footage of all these things happening.

Drag is an art form meant to be performed in front of adults. A sadly recently deceased British Drag Queen Lily Savage (aka Paul O'Grady) talked about drag in London gay clubs, when being openly gay was still very risky. And clubs were one place that gay men could let go and be themselves.

If drag queens are going to perform in front of children, then their material needs to be 100% family friendly.

To use a very British comparison. It's the difference between a drag show and a pantomime, with a man playing a funny, thoroughly over the top female character known as The Dame.

Both of which I love. But I know which is suitable for children and which is not.

Sex Education should be concerned with sexual health, contraception, consent and the building of strong, healthy relationships.

There is footage of angry parents reading aloud from books available in their children 's school library, and get this. They're asked to stop, because the material is too explicit to be read out in public!

Then, how the hell does it belong in a school library?!

There's a book for four year olds about a gay grandad. Now, in itself that's fine.

A grandad with a husband, rather than a wife? No problem.

Except that the pictures show leather bondage gear. NO! Little children should see same sex couples looking like any other grown ups.

There's no good excuse for doing it any other way.

Content showing explicit m/f sex would be just as wrong. And if there's any of it about, that needs to be off children's bookshelves as well.

Extremely dangerous how "grooming" in the context of child sexual abuse went from being a very specific pattern of isolation and trust-building with the aim of abusing someone to "telling children anything that contradicts their parents' ultra-conservative worldview is grooming" to "selling rainbow flags in a store is grooming" to "literally anyone I don't like is a groomer".

These days the word seems to most often be used by people who don't care about what it actually means and just want an easy "this person is irredeemably evil, kill them now" button.

[agentrouka-blog]

The way Arya stans have such little empathy for Jeyne Poole's plight is disgusting. It's made worse by how they make Jeyne's trauma all about Arya. I hate it more than the way they diminish Sansa's.

Like for example, there's a scene where just before Jeyne marries Ramsey, she tells Theon that unlike Arya, she's pretty. Arya stans fail to realize that the focus isn't on Arya. It isn't about Jeyne's past teasing of Arya. It's about the fact that Jeyne knows full well that if the Boltons managed to get a hold of the real Arya (or Sansa for that matter), they would kill Jeyne without a second thought. In Jeyne's mind the only thing protecting her is that she's pretty. Therefore, if she's pretty, Ramsay won't care that she's not actually a Stark and therefore the Bolton hold on Winterfell is bogus. It's very similar to Sansas thoughts on Willas. Sansa hopes that if Willas finds her beautiful/falls in love with her, he won't care about her claim to Winterfell.

Anyway Arya stans are trash (not all) and Jeyne Poole is just one of the reasons why

Jeyne is literally offering herself up to Theon as his "wife or whore" in a last desperate attempt to escape this horrific situation. She is terrified. She is trying to find anything to give herself hope. 

The bride raised her eyes. Brown eyes, shining in the candlelight. “I will be a good wife to him, and t-true. I … I will please him and give him sons. I will be a better wife than the real Arya could have been, he’ll see.” 

Talk like that will get you killed, or worse. That lesson he had learned as Reek. “You are the real Arya, my lady. Arya of House Stark, Lord Eddard’s daughter, heir to Winterfell.” Her name, she had to know her name. “Arya Underfoot. Your sister used to call you Arya Horseface.”

“It was me made up that name. Her face was long and horsey. Mine isn’t. I was pretty.”

Tears spilled from her eyes at last. “I was never beautiful like Sansa, but they all said I was pretty. Does Lord Ramsay think I am pretty?”

“Yes,” he lied. “He’s told me so.”

“He knows who I am, though. Who I really am. I see it when he looks at me. He looks so angry, even when he smiles, but it’s not my fault. They say he likes to hurt people.”  (......)

“Help me.” She clutched at him. “Please. I used to watch you in the yard, playing with your swords. You were so handsome.” She squeezed his arm. “If we ran away, I could be your wife, or your … your whore … whatever you wanted. You could be my man.”

(ADWD, The Prince of Winterfell)

Anyone who zeroes in on "she called Arya Horseface! She is a BULLY!" instead of the visceral terror felt by this child in mortal danger... needs to take a step back and reasses if they really think the author is giving a flying horseshoe about Arya’s petty childhood nickname in this scene. As opposed to depicting a human being caught in a horrible trap, grasping at straws for any shred of hope.

“I can serve this purpose if I try. I can give him sons. Does Ramsay think I am pretty? Might this save me? He likes to hurt people. Could anyone or anything save me?” 

It’s heart-wrenching. GRRM wants to remind us that these were all children together at Winterfell, with petty childhood conflicts that pale in comparison to the horrors they are all going through now.

At Winterfell they had called her "Arya Horseface" and she'd thought nothing could be worse, but that was before the orphan boy Lommy Greenhands had named her "Lumpyhead." (ACOK, Arya I) 

Literally the opening of her first chapter after her father is murdered. If a nine-year-old can put things in perspective, an adult reading a novel about her should be able to do so as well.