#when in reality their “delusions” / “magical thinking” / “hallucinations”

[prettyciggy]

your schizo is showing are you doing okay?

[3liza]

I'm trying to figure out how to communicate instructions to other people about how I almost completely escaped my crippling adolescent body dysmorphia and anorexia but the thing is I don't really know how it happened. it was like one day I woke up and didn't care that much.

i still had all the central psychological dysfunctions but it was like I had decided to ignore them because I had finally internalized that I was acting crazy and acting crazy, unlike being crazy, is a choice. unless you're experiencing psychosis or delusions. and the body dysmorphia is a form of delusion certainly but it's a form you can still sample against reality and see that it's not matching up. you can't do this with actual hallucinations but you can do it with stuff like obsessive thoughts about how ugly you are and how everyone hates you and how ugly people have no value etc etc. that kind of stuff is observably false and integrating constant reality checking into your obsession loops will derail a lot of the delusional obsession. your brain will fight back with arguments like "it's fine for her to be ugly because of magical reason I made up but it's not fine for me because of another magical reason I made up" but these arguments can also be quickly reality checked into irrelevance even if you still *feel* they are true. you may FEEL that the obsessive delusions are true but you can, to a certain extent, make a decision to KNOW and more importantly to ACT as if they are not.

so the new thought loop could go something like: "I'm so fucking ugly. so what if I'm 'ugly'. it doesn't seem to matter when I look around and reality check my level of ugliness to the success and affection people uglier than I am seem to experience. there just be something else wrong with me. but that doesn't make sense because actually a lot of people do like me and care about me. i have proof of that in the form of messages and memories. I'm so fucking ugly. but I'm looking closely at this unfiltered Getty image in incredibly high resolution of a celebrity on the red carpet. and she has terrible skin. her skin looks just as bad as mine does in the brightly lit bathroom mirror because there are no filters on this brightly lit professional journalist's photograph. that's really interesting. i bet I can see the same level of ugliness in everyone else that I see in the mirror if I really look"

i don't think you can fix yourself to be not crazy. i don't think that's a thing that happens. i think most therapists are useless or MLM subscribers who want to try out their latest hype word MLM technique on your because they paid $3000 to be "certified" in Hidden Dream Cousin Interrogation Biodynamics, which will test 2% better than jingling keys in front of the control group in two papers on PubMed until crumbling to replication crisis in three years.

i think what you can actually do is add additional systems checks to deal with how fucking crazy you are and always will be until you stop being able to fuck up as much with it. like an airlock system basically. i think good therapists are able to show people how to do this and maybe get them meds that tamp down some of the nasty things the craziness constantly causes to happen. but they're so rare I've never actually met one lmao

[adolin]

my locked tomb hot take of the day is that the way Harrow’s symptoms are presented in HtN line up much more closely with religious OCD with poor insight and psychotic features than schizophrenia. She shows almost no signs of paranoia or delusions (G1deon really was trying to kill her! It’s absolutely true that the other houses would swoop in like vultures if they knew her house’s true position! Her sword and psyche were both actually haunted, to the point that Alecto could hitch a ride in her body. She is never shown in the text to hold a belief that is inconsistent with reality, IMO) and her only true psychotic symptom that we see is hallucinations, and she seems to most of the time have some idea that they aren’t real, which indicates a level of self awareness incompatible with schizophrenia. She also doesn’t seem to display many cognitive symptoms like thought block or disorganized speech and thinking. The rest of her behavior is highly obsessive (compulsive praying, wearing face paint even when nobody is around, obsessive studying, needing her food to be arranged on her plate a certain way) and is very in line with someone suffering from religious scrupulosity. As someone who has experienced both OCD and psychosis, and knows how the symptoms can overlap, this is is the hill I will die on.

I don't feel like I can contribute in any meaningful way to your points, so I'll just put this out into the world and say that I appreciate your insights!

Speaking from a #meta perspective: I know that around the time HtN came out, Tamsyn gave interviews talking about her own experiences being hospitalised for mental health reasons and implied that was what she was partly drawing on when writing HtN. I can't remember if she called Harrow schizophrenic or stated that it was her intention to write her as such, and the author is dead anyway. Plus, obviously, the fact that someone's writing was informed by irl experiences doesn't have to mean that said writing is a 1:1 parallel for those experiences, expecially in a sff setting where ghosts exists and in fact there's something that Harrow can see and nobody else can.

TO ME, the fact that people who experience psychotic episodes can recognise themselves in Harrow's internal monologue and experiences is more meaningful than whether Harrow “really” has a given specific disorder or she's just seeing ghosts. The point is that SHE feels a disconnect from reality and that she's delusional and cannot trust anything she remembers or reads. Nobody in-universe is ever going to diagnose her, you know? The series itself doesn't claim to be straight-up representation for any specific named issues — things like Cytherea's cancer or Harrow's mental state are left ambiguous and partly influenced by magic. I think the fact that readers can relate to some symptoms some characters experience is more meaningful than whether these symptoms all point to something that can be diagnosed unambiguously.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

[seeinginthedark]

This is what I believe in my heart and in my soul . My heart and soul have synced in and the communication line between is clear . Same goes for my subconscious, after rigorous shadow self work. As for my mind , I’ve synced in my left and right brain hemispheres. I did this in 2022. So they are balanced and healthy . I am of sane mind . I won’t be gaslighted anymore by anyone , any man , any institution and not even gaslighted by myself .

Here we go, strap in .

If you’ve been reading my blogs , you will know that I’m on a mission. I have a psychosis but, as I keep reiterating, a psychosis means different things depending what culture your from. In Indigenous cultures(who are more closer to the Earth and nature) a psychosis is a ‘spiritual situation’ . In the western medicine world , it’s a mental illness. People get scared during a psychosis and don’t know how to handle it. I handle it. I don’t get scared or paranoid. I don’t have hallucinations or hear voices . I know the difference between a delusion and a sign , a message from the ancestors .

The videos I made in 2022, contain information that I didn’t understand at the time , suddenly now have become relevant. They were warning me of what to watch out for .

We are in a spiritual situation. A war. An attack on our souls . An ongoing oppression. Being drained of our humanity.

To be turned into something un-natural and mechanic. And we won’t allow this happen.

The ancestors that made it to the afterlife (instead of a reincarnation soul trap ) are building alliances with spirits of this Earth, of nature and of the inner Earth. I’m dead serious about this .

A lot of us today are souls of our ancestors who chose to leave the astral afterlife realm to come here in this modern world . They are Mother Earths army. We are at the front line now . The children of today have been absolutely bombarded with screens, technology and toxic social media . In an effort to neutralise us , make us forget who we are and forget what’s important in life . This wave of children , are born already spiritually activated and awake . They have immense spiritual potency and magic-like abilities. They are our salvation now .

A lot of people however , are getting confused thinking they a star seeds or thinking they were meant to be a different gender . These are trends and narratives that have been articulately planted on purpose for the reason to distract and confuse and cause social division . And self identity issues .

Please, if you have one of these special children , who are from magic bloodlines , please take care of them . Nurture them and their abilities. Do not crush their imagination- as it is one of their magical traits . Please limit the amount of screen time they are having. I know it’s hard and we are all busy trying to get by and have to work and have so many things on our plate but please don’t pacify them with iPads and tablets and phones . It inhibits their development. It inhibits their social skills . It socially programs them.

Get them outside in nature as much as possible . Listen to them. Let them have a voice . Let them express themselves creatively. Treasure them . Love them unconditionally. They are here to change the world. I don’t want to see any of these children grow up and be plugged into a permanent virtual reality . With microchips in their brains . With non -organic robotic add ons . Stuck in the simulation. Their souls recycled back into this system when they die . Their souls need to be free, as all of our souls should be .

We can beat this A.I take -over . Together . United . Strong . Keep your vibes high . Self care. Heal from your trauma. Be the powerful spiritual warrior you were born to be . For Earth. For our souls . This is it.

[theproperweirdo]

Ramblings and analysis [part 1]

Scarlet | The Arcane Shadow

My long time favourite character in AFK Arena since I started playing has been Scarlet ❤️ her backstory is killer and I feel like her design is detailed and enhances her personality even more using these details you really have to look into

To start, her past! Please skip the next two paragraphs if you know her story 👍

Scarlet’s mother (who I’ll call Ms. Laurence for convenience) raised her from a baby to around what I assume was preteen age. Their family carries a maternal “curse” of psychological torment and dark energy. Scarlet’s grandma had previously killed herself during an opera performance, after being driven insane by the voices she heard. Ms. Laurence wanted Scarlet to overcome this curse, and have her become a respectable woman like her own mom. Scarlet? Not so much. And although she loved her very much, Ms. Laurence didn’t get to see Scarlet’s future. She spiralled into insanity as well, and was taken to a mental institution.

Scarlet was taken to the Violet Orphanage afterwards, which could have a very long post on its own. 💀💀 While there, she tried and failed multiple times to escape. She felt like something was off about the strange people and weird tests they did. After having enough of her midnight missions, they started to amp up the tests in intensity and aggression, in either magical or physical ways. During one of these tests she passes out, and in the haze of her consciousness, she receives the last wishes from the spirit of her mother, before coming too. Once she’s awake, she makes her last attempt to escape— by burning the entire orphanage to the ground.

Her past is tragic. She’s stuck with a curse that’s taken both her mom and grandma, then used as a lab rat til she has a mental break. But there’s so much more to analyze! (Wowwww)

Her family’s curse is one described as one of “madness,” that blurs reality and fantasy. In a setting like this, it seems to be some kind of arcane affliction passed from mother to daughter.

However, there’s the obvious subliminal implication of her curse— that it’s a genetic mental illness. Although disorders are not often hereditary, they’re still most commonly seen in an individual when a direct family member has the same one. For Scarlet and her family, this sounds like a long line of women who have schizophrenia. Hearing voices like auditory hallucinations, erratic behaviour, and having extreme delusions, are the most prominent and aggressive symptoms. Scarlet’s grandma took her life after losing the ability to differentiate between real and imaginary. Scarlets mother became overwhelmed by her delusions. Before burning down the orphanage, Scarlet herself begins to hear voices and monsters. Now on her own, she doesn’t want to become what her mother and grandmother did.

She also possibly fights her own hallucinations better because she had to reassure her mother when she was young. She probably never met her grandma though.

As a violent and dangerous curse, it’s effective and seems to stem from some older power. But I think this reflection of mental illness in women is powerful and incredibly well written for a character in a mobile gacha RPG game.

Okay, that’s on her story! Now for an artist’s eye on her design… let’s move top to bottom.

Scarlet’s hair is visually more black with streaks of red highlights. But we know from the description of her mother, along with her 4koma-style comic, that she had a full head of red hair.

The red itself is said to be a sign of the curse in her story. Seeing that the black has come and overtaken it in her recent years, I think it’s meant to represent her own hold on her sanity. Scarlet’s mother still has (I assume) all her hair red when she’s taken away. The black in her hair might be her own control on the chaos magic, and how she’s managed to harness it.

Or, the black came through as an awakening of sorts. It comes in the climax of her grand escape, when she seemingly inherits the destructive power of the curse. If her mother didn’t manage to fully grasp any control over her own magic, maybe she never had the same moment of magic-puberty as scarlet. So maybe this magic changes her both mentally and physically, leaving a few remnants of the red, because even though she’s improving, the curse will never stop its assault on her. Either way, it’s a physical tell of how her magic has changed her.

Her clothes seem to be a personal choice for herself. At six years old, Scarlet rejected any kind of fancy teachings or proper dresses. She was likely just a young girl who had her own preferences and didn’t like the suffocating atmosphere of noble life. But her mother’s most sincere wish for her was to see her grow into a distinguished and elegant lady like her grandmother.

I imagine she had a lot of time to think and reflect on her memories in the Violet Orphanage. Her mother loved her genuinely and dearly, and they were separated in the end because of their shared curse. I imagine she would remember the one thing her mom wanted to see most in her. The dress and corset were probably picked out herself because she wants to fulfill the one thing her mom wanted. :( even though she hates dressing up, she wants to make her mom proud in this way. The makeup and heels are probably for the same reason.

Her armour and signature item are both made of this gold coloured metal, but her shoulder guards got some red by the edges.

The one other character with the same kind of armour is Morrow, the only other in game person who was a victim as the Violet Orphanage (aside from Isabella and Silvina).

They were kept there in different periods of time, but it’s obviously not a coincidence that they’re the only ones who share this design motif.

These are the Signature Item descriptions for both Morrow and Scarlet ⬇️⬇️

Both for controlling dark magic! However, the origin of Scarlet’s item says that it was formed during her destruction of the Violet Orphanage. Also the gold armour is on Morrow’s arms and not his book. Scarlet is the same, she’s got it on her shoulder guard, but not the stabilizer. My theory is that it’s either 1. A material they used in the orphanage to conduct experiments on the kids using dark magic, and they both now use to to chanel their own magic and cast spells. 2. It’s a normal kind of metal, but the red shading comes from use of dark magic. That would explain why both of their armour has it.

Either way, it’s a very cool detail! :) other things I’ve noticed are:

Her attacks have the possibility of hitting allied heros. I interpret it as her magic still being unstable and hard to control. She’s got her sanity and magic under control, but not completely.

There’s no clear distinction between “dark magic” and “hypogean magic” so it’s possible she controls some variation of void realm arcanum, or a hypogean cursed her bloodline and she now channels its energy instead of suffering from it.

She looks considerably older than Isabella. Makes sense considering the timeline, but makes me a lil sad.

Anyways, that’s the end of this long ass post. Hopefully more to come in the future (if I remember)

Til next time 🫣🫣

[ikamigami]

Something kinda sad is that whenever Sun does get angry, or does get power so people can't just push him over anymore, the other characters go "you're dangerous" or "you're like Eclipse" or act like Sun's going to hurt them, when though Sun has never raised a hand against anybody who wasn't a villain and actively trying to kill him, like both Bloodmoons or old Eclipse, the one time he lost control and caused serious damage was...While yes he did put himself in that situation to start with...because he wasn't trained so he wouldn't lose control of his magic and Eclipse was about to kill him with a sword, him losing control was a pure accident that he then learned from as he was much more careful with star power and only ever used these abilities sparingly exclusively on active threats, so I worry that if Sun does get powers that are used more frequently they'd start acting like he's going to bite their heads off, even though Sun never did such a thing even when at his angriest

This is so true, dear anon 😭

It's so sad and really unfair to Sun cause he isn't like that.. he's against murder all the time..

That one time when he went after Eclipse he had psychotic episode and was very detached from reality (at least in my eyes but it's dabatable and I understand if others don't see it like that).. but it was just one time..

Because when he killed Bloodmoon it was in self-defence.. it wasn't out of maliciousness or in cold blood..

Yeah.. I forgot that if Sun had powers especially associated with darkness other characters would be suspicious of him and it would take a toll on Sun's already bad mental state..

This is so sad.. but I think it's intentional.. like I said I think that Sun has depressive psychosis and delusions centered around guilt and unworthiness and believes himself to be evil.. so the way others immediately are suspicious of him when he gets angry and such fuell his delusions more.. and it's a good way to portray this struggle..

Or at least in my eyes it makes sense because of how true it seems for me because I struggle with delusions centered around guilt and unworthiness myself.. 😅

It might turn out to be untrue in canon.. but idk the way Sun blames himself and thinks that he could've done more and feels bad even for deaths of a killer who tormented him and his family.. and hallucinations that he had.. the things that these hallucinations told him.. it all feels relatable..

The way Sun accepts everything that happens to him out of guilt feels very real and relatable to me..

Hence why I wasn't surprised that Sun didn't yell at Old Moon or didn't completely cut Old Moon and New Moon out of his life.. because Sun feels responsible for how both of Moons turned out to be.. he feels responsible because he wasn't enough.. he wasn't good brother.. it's all his fault.. that's why he can't ask for anything better for himself than what he has..

Maybe my interpretation is wrong but look at how people were surprised that Sun didn't yell at Old Moon or that he's still scared..

To me it's not surprising at all because I know how Sun feels.. I understand this feeling.. so even if I'm wrong I'll continue to interpret Sun that he has depressive psychosis and delusions centered around guilt and unworthiness and believes himself to be evil because it fits in my eyes and canon didn't disprove my headcanon at all yet but continue to put Sun through the same shit over and over again.. "he's like Eclipse" "he's angry and he'll snap and kill someone"..

Sorry for this rambling but I don't see many people talking about that Sun is compared to Eclipse a lot or that his anger is seen as bad thing.. many people thinks (or thought) that maybe it means that Sun will turn evil.. but I doubt it (though who knows) so why it's like that then?

This is why I came up with this headcanon ^^

But I completely agree with you, dear anon. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this with me ^^

[vergess]

this is a personal af question that you do not need to answer publicly or at all esp. bc its for fanficish writing purposes but anyway so like how DO you, personally at least, deal with episodes of psychosis? because google tells me that the go to needs to be antipsychotics but 1. the context is a character who does not have regular access to them anyway 2. every one i have looked at has GOD AWFUL PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS that seem to be almost guaranteed to happen? and my doctor oc would not subject that to anybody. the usual psychosis symptoms i write in my current rps are post-ictal and postpartum psychosis specifically because getting information about that from people who actually HAVE THE CONDITIONS is easy, and there seem to be other methods of dealing with them without antipsychotics (plus, you know, magic dnd for one, and pokemon psychic bs for the other) but finding information on how people with other forms of psychosis (in this case, schizotypal ftr) deal with it from their own perspective is almost impossible? it's ALL ableist bullshit from doctors which is why i am hesitant to trust the idea of "antipsychotics are the only way" :/ even reddit is not helpful here lol and i want to get this right? i know it's just tumblr rp/ao3 fanfic/discord rp that nobody important will read but me and my friends are trying to NOT be ableist shitbags on purpose you know?

Boy I really just don't answer tough asks over the winter months, huh.

I started keeping a closer eye on how media that I otherwise recommend depicts psychosis since getting this ask, and I'm disappointed to announce that over the last two months only two (2) pieces of media have been Normal About Psychosis.

So, the first thing to remember when writing a Psycho is: WE ARE WHOLE ASS ADULTS WITH ADULT BRAINS OKAY, we're not small children lost in a fantasy. We're not violent monsters out for blood. We are people who sometimes see, hear, etc things that aren't really there.

Writing a psychotic character competently isn't about curing them, or even about reducing their symptoms. It's about showing how they cope with those symptoms while carrying on with their daily lives.

I'm currently on the lowest possible dose of antipsychotic right now, and I will say two things about that. 1) the meds make reality checks and other coping skills MUCH more effective. 2) Even at a low dose, abstract and creative thinking are hindered. I don't feel hindered; but I have a 24 year long writing portfolio that says I sure as shit am hindered.

Whether a character will benefit from going on meds is going to be a balancing act. But since you aren't actually looking for meds advice, lets talk about those Other Coping Skills.

Broadly, I would split my skills into three categories: stuff for hallucinations, stuff for delusions, and stuff for dissociation.

So, first off, reality checking is my #1 go to for hallucinations.

You pick this skill up pretty quickly as a kid; everyone does. The difference being that where a non-psychotic person eventually gets to stop relying on others to tell them what is real, we get to keep on asking forever.

It's actually super exhausting to be in a crowded space because most of the nonverbal cues you come to rely on (eg, no one else flinched so that noise probably wasn't real) become INSTANTLY useless. Every noise, movement etc may of may not be real, and your only option is to either gauge other people's lack of reaction, or ask someone you trust for a reality check.

Sounds like an easy way for an abusive shit to control your entire life with no effort? It is!!

THAT'S WHY PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.

Once you know if something is real or not, you can decide to ignore it. Like ignoring anything obtrusive, this is easier if you are in a good mood, physically comfortable, etc. An absurd amount of "coping with psychosis" is just constantly monitoring yourself and others to make sure you are reacting to the right things at the right volume.

Ignoring something that your brain insists is real and a threat is very tiring, so there's also a lot of sleeping.

Delusions are significantly harder to manage than hallucinations, IMO. Not just because, as a multiply marginalized person there are myriad ways that an ambiguous "them" is actually trying to ruin my life for real. Being on terror watchlists due to racism REALLY makes it IMPOSSIBLE to manage my paranoid delusions because some of the more insane shit is just real.

But there are other delusions that are easier to handle. Mostly, this comes down to self monitoring again. I can take an extra second to ask myself, "hang on, statistically speaking, how likely is it that this total stranger ACTUALLY wants to kill me?" The answer, of course, is "violent crime has been trending down for years, and everyone in this area thinks I'm white as long as I don't go outside during the summer, so I'm safe."

It's all about finding the information that helps keep you calm.

Because the absolute certainty that this is a murderer and you are walking into the slaughter will not go away. You just... take it on faith that this time will turn out as safely as the last 399 times.

It's just a shitload of observation, mimicry, and forcing myself to do things that feel dangerous by reminding myself that they aren't.

That shit sounds simple, but it's a CONSTANT fight; it never really gets easier, you just get used to it.

Which brings me back around to my meds again: I think I prefer it this way. My writing sucks, and I keep crying when I read it because it's wrong, it sounds like a field amputation. But god, I went to a cafe during the morning rush a few days ago, and the overload of noise and data only left me bedridden for ONE day. ONE!!! Not a WEEK!

Maybe losing my only art is okay in light of how much less bad things are.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the 2014 short story about the One Person With Psychosis being wrongfully shunned by her colony because she doesn't feel affective empathy, in spite of her constant and perfectly reasoned moral code ensuring she is, if anything, the least dangerous person in town. I wish I could remember it!! It's a good example!!!

I haven't read it yet, but people I love and trust seem to generally agree that the psychosis in Harrow the Ninth is well written, too, so maybe check that out IDK

[drowninginredink]

Hi, it's the anon who headcanons the Chosen as higher needs autistic.

I just wanted to say that I'mactually thankful you educated me on your schizoprenic experience, because I didn't know any of that was even a thing! I'll take that with me going forward.

You're welcome! If you want proper schizo education, let's do it! Actually, a note first, because I'm going to be using the terms psychotic and schizophrenic a lot and you should know the difference. Psychosis is a symptom. It is basically just disconnect from reality, generally meaning delusions and often, but not always, hallucinations. Psychosis can happen because of pregnancy, medical conditions, other mental illnesses, or drugs (both legal/prescribed and illegal). Schizophrenia is chronic psychosis that cannot be attributed to any other cause. All schizophrenics are psychotic; not all psychotics are schizophrenic.

1. I know I already said it in the original post, but do not call 911 on someone in a mental health crisis. I will not share the details of what happens to psychotic people (and let's be clear here; it's almost always Black psychotic people) in police custody. And the "good" scenario is them ending up hospitalized, which really isn't much better. I work in nursing, but I will never, ever work in psychiatric nursing because the way psychotics get treated in psych hospitals? I could not see that every day. I could not be part of that system. And there's no way I'd have any leverage to change that system. Psychotics get forcibly medicated, restrained, treated like weirdos and pariahs by the other patients... And then thrown right back out. Why are there a bunch of homeless schizophrenics? Well obviously it's pretty damn impossible to hold a job when in active psychosis, but also, how are you supposed to keep getting your meds or get any lasting therapy when after you get out of the hospital, you're going right back to living on the streets?

2. If someone says stuff that seems delusional, do not fact check them (unless they explicitly ask you to). It will not work. It will just distress them and make them double down. The correct approach is to very slowly nudge them out of it until they realize for themselves what was a delusion, but that's not your job. That's for their therapist to do. Don't encourage them either, though. If you can change the subject, that's the best approach.

3. There's this image that all psychotics need to be medicated, because obviously therapy wouldn't work because they're completely irrational. Medication actually doesn't help 25% of schizophrenics, and therapy is generally way more effective. The problem with that being that you know who else thinks of psychosis as a "just throw drugs at it" issue? Lots and lots of psych professionals. And a whole bunch also just don't know what to do with us. Or they don't want to deal with us, because it's hard. As someone in the medical field Therapy is super useful, though. The standard approach is CBT for psychosis (which personally I had a terrible time with. DBT ended up being my magic bullet). Fun fact: my old psychiatrist is currently doing a study on controlling voice hearing yourself. Basically, you can stop hearing voices by telling them to shut up and fuck off. I'm unconventional as far as schizophrenia symptoms go, so I never really had much voice hearing, but I did for a brief period of time and that's how I got it to go away. Learning how to reality check yourself is the most effective way to deal with psychosis.

3. a. Back on meds, for me personally, anti psychotics did help with my dissociation, but did nothing for my hallucinations and delusions. I'm not on them anymore. We found that an ADHD med actually worked really well for my dissociation, interestingly enough. Anti psychotics also have awful side effects. Schizophrenia is not fun, but the worst thing I've ever experienced wasn't schizophrenia at all. It was akathisia, which is a side effect of anti psychotics. It's restlessness to the absolute maximum. You can't concentrate, you can't think, you can't sit still, you can't sleep. Your heart feels like it's burning a hole in your chest. It is hell.

4. Schizophrenia is actually neurodevelopmental. Our brains look different than other brains. I know personally, I have always had delusional thought processes. It's just that as a kid, I was fixating on, say, the fact that I just could not leave this party right now or that for some reason it was a huge deal that the teacher didn't call on me. So no one thought it was delusions. But now that I've been overtly delusional? The thought process is exactly the same. It's like you're wearing blinders. The world flattens out to 2D and you just can't see the truth. And then when you do realize it, you feel like an absolute idiot for letting it go on for so long. That's true now, and it was true when I was freaking out about dance recitals as a kid.

5. Let's talk about the absolute worst psychotic symptom you've never heard of: disorganized thinking. It's what it sounds like. It's like your brain and thoughts are a deck of cards that are constantly being shuffled. You lose your train of thought. You forget what it is you're doing. I know when my disorganized thinking was a lot worse (those ADHD meds have also helped a ton with that, thank God) I would just get trapped scrolling my phone because I couldn't keep a train of thought for long enough to decide to do something else. Or rather, I'd decide to do something, and then forget about it before I could, over and over. For people who aren't me, it will also manifest as disorganized speech, where you know what you're saying in your head but complete gibberish comes out of your mouth instead. A thing people do not talk about enough is how much schizophrenia absolutely destroys your ability to think. Between disorganized thinking and dissociation (and God, my dissociation is terrible... And this is with it medicated down to levels where I can actually function) sometimes my brain is just absolutely useless to me.

That's probably enough for now? I could keep going for hours, but I think that's a lot of really good information. Truly give me an inch and I'll run a mile

[elliscousland]

so here is a little rundown of my dragon age verses. they will be expanded on with the new carrd, but since i am trying to reach out & write with new partners i definitely want to put them somewhere accessible.

note: i have verses for other fandoms, this just covers his main timeline & aus within it. i will make a different post detailing potential au's to explore!

by default, ellis will be married to @softersinned's astoria, who is also the inquisitor in his world state. if i'm writing with another inquisitor or someone i'm shipping with / going to ship with, that will change!

highever. anything that happened before the fifth blight. ellis is the lively & hard headed secondborn son of bryce & eleanor cousland. he fills his head with stories & songs of legends past, rarely looking to his own future & what will come of it. during this chunk of time, he's betrothed to astoria & they spend their summers in highever together.

origins. decisions. ellis is one of the two wardens that survived loghain's betrayal at ostagar. his decisions are listed in the link above, but it's also worth mentioning that the events of kinolch / walking in the fade that way as a nonmagic user affects ellis like a bad mushroom trip. it leads to a lot of bad decisions regarding how he handles his relationships & decisions... not that he would ever admit that. i love, love dual warden verses w other HoF's!

origins. (au) if you are not a fan of dual warden verses, ellis can be found in lothering as a rogue companion!

ellis doesn't love magic bcs of the propaganda he grew up with. but he is stupid & impulsive so he drinky drinky the alchemical concoction to get warden powers

he & astoria hit a very rocky patch when he discovers she has been a mage & keeping that secret from him. they travel together, but things are tense & ellis takes her self-preservation as a personal spite.

he romances morrigan & partakes in the dark ritual. for years i have been saying that their love was rooted in survival & long-term, i think they would have had a lot of issues. he viewed her as a forward rejection of the values that had failed him. i think she fell in love w him in passing, on accident.

awakening. at the end of the blight, ellis is gifted the arling of amaranthine & is named hero of ferelden. however, he is not convinced it's over yet - which is true. the darkspawn aren't dispelling like they should & now he's obsessed w finding a way to keep them from causing any more damage than they already have. he hesitantly allies himself w the architect, thinking that together they might be able to find an end to the blight ( he's fucking delusional <3 )

witch hunt. ellis is obsessed with finding morrigan & getting the details of the dark ritual. he doesn't believe it when he finds her, not really. at this point in time it's not uncommon for him to be trapped in delusions, hallucinations, general steps out of reality. he doesn't believe that they have a son until she's already stepped through the eluvian & after that kieran becomes one of his best well-kept secrets. morrigan is no longer his priority, instead dreaming of his son. trying to find his son.

during this time he & astoria reconnect & he allows her to stay with the grey wardens to keep her out of reach of templars. during this time, they grow close & walk parallel journeys processing their traumas. they're drawn closer over those journeys & come clean about their feelings w new understanding of another & themselves from the blight & what's transpired since.

da 2 ( au ) following a few leads via avernus & the first warden, ellis leaves ferelden to follow leads relating to extending the lifespawn of blgithed individuals ( WIP )

in between. any time in between witch hunt & awakening. ellis is building the ferelden grey wardens back up, with an emphasis on ferelden. he'll take anyone from anywhere but tries to inspire loyalty to his home, to their home. he gets lost in the legends of what he did during the blight as well, killing the archdemon in what many thought must be glory. sometimes he thinks it might be glory too. then, he remembers all the blood. it's hard to remember the details between what he experienced & what people tell him.

it's during this period of time he also seeks out help / eventually becomes medicated for his emotions ( i want to rewrite my posts abt it w new perspective, but ellis is schizophrenic. he does deal w bpd. he also juggles ptsd & ocd related to it. )

he & astoria also get married during this time, following avvar traditions! " the groom kidnaps the bride from her home. if he does this without the permission of her / her family, or without her cooperation, he can be beaten to death by her or her family. she is also permitted to resist as much as she wants. she then ties knots into a cord and sings a hymn to the lady of the skies, and he unties the knots as she sings. the number of knots he's untied by the time her song finishes is the number of years they stay married " - from our chat abt it

inquisition ( main ) astoria is at the conclave & is eventually fashioned to be " the herald of andraste ", the inquisitor. he sets out to join her soon as he can, but with demons pouring out of the sky tavel isn't exactly easy. he arrives shortly after the fall of haven & thinks he is too late, finding astoria in the snow on the path to skyhold after fighting corypheus. he is in skyhold as the inquisitor's arm candy husband & advisor. he's also constantly got his eyes peeled for any threats directed at his wife & tries not to stray far. he hates god, god hates him so he thinks the cocnept of herald of andraste is the funniest thing he's ever heard, but admires his wife for utilizing it to serve her goals

morrigan drinks from the well & ellis is entrusted w more of kieran's safety. he gets to know his son during this era & caring about the outcome of the world again.

inquisition ( alt ) upon hearing the calling, distant & off tune, ellis knows something is wrong. his other wardens can't hear it, but he can & when they are summoned to orlais, he doesn't call. the orlesian wardens stop responding to his letters, the scouts he sends to investigate don't come back & he begins to worry. when the inquisition forms, ellis see's an opportunity to ally his remaining wardens with what is rapidly becoming one of the most powerful ( & potentially fanatical, depending on the approach ) military powers around. he offers the assistance of his wardens without disclosing why, though he eventually must come clean. if accepted, he acts as an advisor & potential companion to the inquisition!

in either version, ellis is probably causing more problems than he's solving. he's not politically suave & in the alt verse, he's got a personal agenda he is trying to serve.

if ellis & morrigan were to reconnect as friends or otherwise, it would likely be here in the timeline.

veilguard. ellis is brought in to advise the veilguard on archdemons, as he the only person to have ever killed one & survived. this, however, does very little good when every rule in the book has changed. he stays to protect the world his son will grow up in the best he can. his lifespawn was probably extended by blood magic / other measures taken to extend his life ( wip - still playing the game. )

[khetho-040517]

HOW SOCIAL SUPPORT BOOSTS MENTAL HEALTH AND WELLNESS

Think of social support like a safety net that catches you when you fall. When you face challenges or feel down, having friends, family or a supportive community can make a big difference. They offer encouragement, help, and a sense of belonging, which help you feel stronger and more balanced. Am a 3rd-year Occupational therapy student and am going to discuss the role of social support, connecting it to how it can boost or help the mental health and well-being of people with mental disabilities.

People are social beings and having relationships with other people is part of our human nature. Having good relationships with people can help develop positive attitudes and behaviour. These can assist with reducing stress levels (Cohen &Wills, 1985), enhance resilience (Taylor,2011), better physical health (Uchino, 2006) and increase life satisfaction in that one can have a sense of purpose and feel valued by others. For example, I have noticed that patients who have good relationships with hospital staff and their families are always happy and are seldom found sad or angry, this is because there’s always someone there to comfort them in their time of need.

However, in patients with cognitive disabilities like schizophrenia, personality disorders, or bipolar disorder, it is a different story in that they may have delusions or hallucinations that might hinder the establishment of these relationships because of beliefs that they were bewitched or someone used dark magic on them, or they are sent by GOD to save people and that’s where Occupational therapy comes in to rebuild that support.

A patient that has dementia may have problems with memory and this will affect his/her social relationships because she might have a poor orientation to reality and not recognize her surroundings, her relatives, or friends who have come to give her support. Occupational therapy can intervene by helping the clients restore memory by engaging in reminiscence group therapy sessions or reality orientation programs.

 Occupational therapists can help the patients by engaging in group therapy which could teach about proper social behaviour and social skills which are building blocks of social support and maintaining relationships through role-playing as it was done in one of our group therapy sessions at Pixley Hospital. This was very helpful but, requires repetitions to reinforce the behaviour. Occupational therapists can adjust the living environment to support social interactions such as making space accessible and welcoming visitors (Cohen et al.,2014) and doing family education sessions by educating family members on effective communication and interaction strategies they can use with the client (Tremont et al,.2006).

They can also encourage the clients to engage in activities such as volunteer work, hobby groups or other meaningful activities that help build social connections (Hammel et al., 2008), for example: In the Sherwood training workshop Challenge the clients to work together when making earplugs thus developing social support through socialization.

In looking at the impact of social support on mental health, it’s clear to me that the connections are vital. Occupational therapy plays a big role in enhancing social support for mental health care, affirming that well-being is profoundly interconnected with the strength and quality of our social relationships and I highly encourage patients to build good relationships with families and friends so keep their mental health as fit as a fiddle.

REFERENCES

Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.98.2.310

Taylor, S. E. (2011). Social support: A review. In M. S. Friedman (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of health psychology (pp. 189–214). Oxford University Press.

Uchino, B. N. (2006). Social support and health: A review of physiological processes potentially underlying links to disease outcomes. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 29(4), 377-387. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-006-9056-5

Tremont, G., Davis, J. D., & Bishop, D. S. (2006). The unique contribution of family functioning in caregivers of patients with mild to moderate dementia. Dementia and Geriatric Cognitive Disorders, 21(3), 170-174. https://doi.org/10.1159/000090631

Hammel, J., Magasi, S., Heinemann, A., Whiteneck, G., Bogner, J., & Rodriguez, E. (2008). What does participation mean? An insider perspective from people with disabilities. Disability and Rehabilitation, 30(19), 1445-1460. https://doi.org/10.1080/09638280701625534

[deaneybabyinc]

im going insane and i feel like im not real rn so im gonna ramble about my object crushes and various proclivities of mine

im into like base level objectum stuff the eroticism of the machine and whatnot. i think my favorite object attractions are bulky pcs (this laptop does nothing for me i need her to be thick) and sharp objects, i especially love craft supplies that i've bonded with. me and my box cutter are best friends i use her for every project. romantically i really enjoy an object who is there for me and is somewhat diy or battered, something with history you know. i like to think about the life the object has lived and how it still functions despite it. i really have a fun bond with my car. she was my grandmothers car and she has a lot of life in her. shes a 2012 white prius and i care for her a lot. my favorite white girl <3 i also am really into a lot of mathematical concepts i dont know how to explain it but i just think about them and their perfection and i love them. especially shape math like geometry and trigonometry really fascinate me. trigonometry is so hot man like that retro video of the angles of the triangle.... the panties hit the floor.

i rarely develop crushes outside of my specific niches but i do that a thing going on with my among us plushie which is so fucked for me like why did my brain decide on the among us plushie to develop this relationship with kinda fucked up. but their name is mungus and theyre a mungus of the mungus species and i saw them in the store and literally was attached immediately like i was like "okay i have seen you on this shelf and now i love you forever" and theyve hung out with me ever since. we had kind of a sexual fling but i kept getting embarrassed when i remembered that uh. thats a crewmate from the hit game amongus available on all platforms. they're yellow and have a leaf on their head. i love you mungus

i feel like i have been a lot more accepting of thoughts and feelings like this recently. i used to have such a complex about being sane which i think is normal when you have an extensive history of delusions and hallucinations that are really distressing and negative. and because i was so scared of going back to that place i completely rejected everything that wasnt objective reality. but like thats not the person i am. and its so difficult having a heart that falls in love with computers and kins passionately and wants to believe in gods and spirits and past lives and magic and having a brain that is so so scared and cannot let that become true. and i kept yearning for the good parts of being actively delusional. when i wasn't convinced that my room is covered in invisible spiders and i was burning alive and everything smelled like fresh meat, i sometimes felt important and connected with everything and like i knew who i was. which is maybe the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart during these times. the world was agonizing me but its for a reason, and i am so many people but theyre all me. every part of me from the ugly to the beautiful had a special spot. and yes im romanticising it all but its hard not to

anyways it all kinda flipped after i was hospitalized the last time. i lost who i was to precious sanity and to give myself credit ive re-created myself pretty well. but i feel like theres a hole in it. the self crumbled and ive been picking up pieces and trying to throw pieces away that i didnt want to fit in but you cant throw them away they always stay. all that to say i have been trying to reincorporate whimsy and have been doing an admittedly kind of shitty job lol

[evangelineshifts]

I hate that they’re so quick to say that it’s mental illness. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to live with delusions cause if they did they would know that there’s a big difference between those people and shifters. Ppl with hallucinogenic illnesses have hard times functioning in daily life, can’t hold jobs or relationships most of the time and overall are just noticeably ILL. Every shifter I know (successful or otherwise) are MORE than functioning members of society. Adults who are parents, spouses, business owners etc. All thriving in their lives while also successfully shifting/manifesting. Young adults/teens who are in college or high school with honors and ap classes, participating in various extracurriculars and have no problems with living their lives in the present when not shifting. If they were truly delusional to the point where they were having auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations I promise you that it would definitely mean their mental state would affect their day to day life and ability to function normally. It would also be very very obvious to the people around them if they were living FULL LIVES, talking to people no one else can see or hear. Like it would be cause for concern and get dealt with with haste.

It just pisses me off so bad cause these ppl will say this and then be the same mfs that listen to those tiktok audios and comment “claim!” For manifesting. That use lucky girl syndrome and are like “IT WORKED!” Like why tf do you think that is??? Perhaps you shifted your awareness into a version of yourself where your manifestations were true?

Passing off shifting that’s just a 2020 TikTok trend is almost insulting considering there are some people that have been doing it for YEARS and just didn’t know there was a name for it. They did it without scripts or methods or anything and it was something special for them. People can believe in organized religion and that there’s this magic man in the sky that can grant your wishes, they can believe theirs extraterrestrial life on other planets and that the stars have spiritual power. They can understand astral projection which is literally PUSHING YOUR SPIRITUAL ENERGY out of you body and exploring a different plane of existence and that you can become mindfully conscious in a state of bodily unconsciousness but yeah moving your awareness from one version of reality is just too much to grasp. *side eye*

Like don’t piss me off.

And to the person who quit in 2023 I just KNOW they commented cause they were bitter and I have to laugh.

Sorry for the rant but like the way that they think we are capable of so much but this is where they draw the line is just insane to me idk.

they are obsessed with us too much, why would we lied for fun for 3 years (shiftok) 😭😭😭 leave us alone omg

[seeinginthedark]

Shaman/magic person blog entry #1

Distinguishing a vision from a delusion.

I have been researching shamans for a few years now, and I’ve figured out that shaman‘s are borderline psychotic. In fact, psychotic.

“Am I actually just insane imagining all of the stuff happening? “

I guess seasoned and experience shaman‘s and elders who have experience with this who know themselves well enough can distinguish the difference between what is actually happening in reality, and what is just delusional, fantasy hallucinations. What I’ve discovered is that there’s a reason for people being like this ! Some indigenous cultures see a psychosis as a spiritual experience, I think that’s valid. If you don’t know or you aren’t connected with your ancestors and if you aren’t aware that you’re a magic person or shaman, and nobody ever shared with you what they experienced as one , never related to you (they may have been like you) like a shaman apprentice type situation then aren’t going to know the difference between a delusional thought and spiritual wisdom. That just comes to you out of nowhere or a vision. Or prophecy. I figured this out, I might not get into my own personal story right now of how I figured out that I was like this, but it was based on things that happened to my family members and me. I just couldn’t ignore the coincidence there and what I’ve discovered is that if you have a firm grip on reality and what it actually is and you know yourself and you’re comfortable with your own mental state, and you don’t pay attention to negative thoughts or let the thought circle and You’re somewhat mentally disciplined, and you pay attention to your dreams, maybe even meditate. You will distinguish the difference between just a random crazy thought, or hallucination, or prophecy, or pareidolia .  You can sense when you’re over analysing a pattern or barking up the wrong tree. You’ll know when you’re seeing faces in places where faces should not be you can tell the difference between whether it’s actually like a meaningful experience or if it’s just something that looks like two eyes and a mouth. You can tell the difference between imagination and reality you will know, but until you know you don’t know. So it can be really confusing and scary. Quite often, we will end up in mental health institutions, and on medication. I’m not saying real schizophrenia doesn’t exist. Of course it exists. There are real people out there unwell, having unwell, hallucinations and things. Suffering in life. Their family suffer and really scary and sad acts of trauma can come out of these situations. So I’m not a doctor on this topic. But I do get a sense that it could be sometimes mistaken occurrences happening in the world, where someone is actually receiving a vision, or prophecy from the future. Or from the past. Or just from the present. And they don’t recognise it as such. Well, they’re not encouraged to recognise it as such. So self doubt leads them to think that they’re crazy and that they are having freaky crazy thoughts. It’s freaky when you get messages from the ancestors. Ancestors will send messages in different kinds of ways. People from my culture, Māori culture are very tapped into certain things. We get messages from ancestors. A lot to do with animals and nature and elements of nature. They can just tell.  We are tapped in. And we don’t need to over explain it to people or over analyse or justify it. We just know. I wish all people had that kind of self belief and fundamental spiritual framework so that they could distinguish the difference between an actual vision and just a delusion specially nowadays when there are probably many many modern day shamans/magic people out there not realising their true power.

[ikeromantic]

Hii, I really enjoy your writing and I’d like to ask if you could do Ikevamp MC being Sebastian’s childhood friend and crush and meeting him again in the mansion after having no contact in years. Thank you.

Alright anon, you got it! It's a little angst and a little fluff. Approx. 1900 words.

The two strange men were arguing. The dark haired one with the odd accent and the other flirty one. Something about dinner . . . she really couldn’t follow and didn’t want to. What she wanted to do was to get out of here. To go back to her hotel room in Paris. Text her friends and tell them what a crazy-weird time she was having on her trip. 

She was beginning to panic. Her pounding pulse was almost deafening and her body felt wobbly with adrenaline. 

“Messieurs.” The voice came like a cool breeze. Like a calming touch. The lightly accented French spoken with understated formality by a Japanese man dressed as a butler.

His eyes met hers and in them, she saw a flash of recognition. But he didn’t say her name or give her any other sign that he knew her at all. He only said, “Dinner is served. They are gathered in the dining room, if you please?” 

Incredulity widened her eyes as a name rose to her lips. “Aki-”

“This way,” he said, cutting her off. 

Over dinner, she learned that here, the butler went by the name Sebastian or Sebas. And that he served a group of . . . eccentrics. A wealthy count and his fancifully dressed and named colleagues. It was bizarre, but no more so than walking through a door in the Louvre to find oneself in 19th century Paris. It still seemed unreal.

She was caught in some sort of delusion, one she hoped she would wake from. And for some reason, her dreaming mind had conjured up someone she’d once known well. Akihiko. Though he wouldn’t meet her eyes. Perhaps, she thought, in this bizarre hallucination, the butler only looked like her childhood friend but was in reality, a stranger. That would figure.

Playing along was the simplest course, and she did. The food was good, and the odd cosplayers were entertaining, if nothing else. She managed to mostly set aside her anxiety as she was introduced. The men she’d met in the corridor called themselves. Napoleon Bonaparte and Arthur Conan Doyle, which was hilarious. Or would have been if she understood what was going on here. Dinner ended with no answers to any of the questions she had.

The count, le Comte de Saint-Germaine, invited her upstairs to finally answer her questions. None of his answers made any sense. A magical door. An hourglass. Plus her attention kept straying to Sebastian. 

He looked so much like Akihiko would, all grown up. But when he glanced at her, there was nothing in his gaze to say he recognized her at all. Only a sort of perfunctory politeness. 

Le Comte gave a warm smile and patted her hand. “Clearly, you’re very tired, ma cherie. Let me walk you to your room, hm?” 

“Sorry. I am pretty exhausted. Did I miss something?”

“It’s no matter. We can talk more when you’ve rested.” He guided her out of the room.

She looked back just as they turned down the hall to see Sebastian’s eyes on her, unreadable and dark in the low light of the oil lamps.

At least, she thought, le Comte was a perfect gentleman. He escorted her to her room and wished her a good evening. He handed her the key to her room and left her alone with her thoughts. 

After making sure the door was locked and there was no other way into her room, she fell back on the bed. It was incredibly soft and the sheets held a hint of lavender and mint. Way better than the tiny hotel room she’d been expecting to spend the night in. “Maybe it’s not so bad,” she murmured. At least, as long as she didn’t try to make sense of the strangeness. Hopefully tomorrow she could sort it out. Get some real answers. Figure out how to go home. 

She fell asleep thinking of these things, but her dreams took her away from these concerns. Her worries melted away as a man she felt like she knew came into her room. In the dream, she couldn’t quite focus on him. His figure flickered and blurred as dreams sometimes do. Despite his insubstantial identity, he leaned over her and left kisses on her lips, across both cheeks, and down the line of her jaw.

So much better than she could have imagined, her dream-self thought. It was like this ephemeral lover knew all her favorite places to be touched. He took her into his arms and her clothes dissipated under his questing fingertips. His caresses drew sighs and soft moans from her lips, and her body arched against him as if begging for more.

His laughter was soft, breath tickling the skin at her neck. It felt so real that for a moment, she wondered if she was really dreaming or if someone had come into her room. Her room in the strange mansion out of time. 

Her body tensed but before she could push him away, she felt his lips at her neck in the soft space below her ear. Warm and firm, the sensual brush of his tongue, and then something sharp. A searing pain that shot down from the love-bite and into her chest. 

He lapped and suckled the spot, drinking her in like a vampire. The pain disappeared, replaced by a sensation she couldn’t begin to define. Like being drowned in bliss. Warm waves of pleasure that robbed her of all sense. 

But something stayed with her, despite the strange ecstasy that sent tremors through her body. Vampire. That word. Yes. The man - the monster - was drinking her blood.

She shot up from sleep, adrenaline cascading through her tired limbs. Her hands curled into fists, ready to fight. But there was no one there. And her clothes were in place, her neck, untouched. 

It was the weirdest nightmare to have, she thought, as she turned the beside lamp on. It clicked and flickered into life with a soft hiss. She decided to go and get a glass of water, if she could find the kitchen. 

The hallways were empty and dark, as quiet as the grave. There were no sounds outside of cars or trains or planes overhead. No hum of electricity, no gleaming LEDs. That drove home the real possibility that le Comte wasn’t lying when he said they were in the 19th century. The realization did not make her feel any better.

After a bit of wandering, she spotted an open door and the warm glow of lamp light. A clatter of dishes told her the butler was probably still up. 

She poked her head inside. “Umm. Excuse me. Sebastian?”

He turned in surprise and then gave her a small smile. “Ah. You’re awake. Trouble sleeping?”

“Something like that.” She came in and took a seat. 

“Would you like a glass of warm milk? Or perhaps some wine?”

“No. No. Some water would be great though.” She rubbed a hand over her face. “I can get it myself if you’ll tell me where you keep the glasses.”

His smile turned up a little more at the corners of his lips, an expression so like Akihiko that it made her breath catch. “It’s not a problem. Please allow me.”

“Thanks,” she managed, watching him as he got a cup down and filled it with water. When he handed it to her, their fingers brushed. The warmth of that light, accidental touch nearly made her tear up. It was something real and kind and her emotions were all over the place after the dream, not to mention the weirdness of just everything.

“Here.” He handed her a handkerchief. It was soft and made from linen, with flowers embroidered along the edges. “You look as if you’re about to cry.”

She took it and dabbed at her eyes. “I’m really sorry. I’m just - everything is so overwhelming. I had the weirdest dream and then you. You’re so nice! And you look just like . . . like Aki-”

“I’m just trying to be a proper butler. It’s really nothing.” 

“You know, that’s the second time.”

“Hm?” He turned to go back to the sink of dishes and did not look at her.

“It’s the second time I tried to say a name. You interrupted me.”

Sebastian rinsed a dish and began to dry it with a towel. “My apologies then.” His voice sounded tight, as if his jaw were clenched.

“I was going to say that you look just like an old friend of mine.” 

He turned and there was something fierce in his dark eyes. “I promise you, no matter who I might resemble, I am just Sebastian. A butler. That is all I am now.”

She took a sip of her water. “I see. I’m sorry then. It’s just, I used to know someone who looked a lot like you. His name was Akihiko. He moved away when his parents died and I missed him very much. But if you aren’t him . . .”

“I’m not him but,” Sebastian fell silent, frowning. The towel in his hands was clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. “I am sure your friend must have missed you too. If you were so close.”

“We were. He would read to me from his books and I would lay my head in his lap and close my eyes, just listening. He made the stories come alive for me. I don’t know if I ever told him that.” She searched his face for some sign that he remembered those long afternoons. “Sometimes we would play hide and seek in his family’s mansion. Or sneak goodies from their chef.” 

Sebastian’s expression softened for a moment. “It sounds as if you had a lot of fun.”

She nodded, not trusting herself to say more. Was it luck or a curse to find Akihiko again, like this? When he’d become someone else, somewhere else. Someone that did not want to remember her. What had happened to the sweet, serious boy she’d loved? Her fingers stretched toward his cheek, and for a heartbeat, he leaned into the touch.

His eyes fluttered shut, and he let out a trembling breath. Then he pulled away, his face a polite mask again. “You know, it’s not my place to say, but I think you should forget this friend of yours. Move on. If he wanted to see you again, he would have found you by now.” He set the dish and towel down. “It’s really for the best to simply let go.”

“I - I -” She clasped her hands in her lap. “I should get back to bed. Thank you for the water.”

“Of course,” he said, not turning to look at her. 

She felt even more lost as she took her lamp back into the dark hallway. She’d never expected to see Akihiko again, and now that she had, her heart filled with all the sweetness of her childhood romance. She wanted to turn back around and hug him. To remind him of all the silly promises they’d made to each other when they were little and all the cares of life were so very far away. 

But he’d made it clear he wasn’t the Akihiko she knew. He was Sebastian now, or so she reminded her foolish heart. The boy she loved was gone and a stranger had replaced him. Yet, she’d glimpsed something when they touched. A softness that spoke of fond memories and a time he had not forgotten.

Le Comte told her she was stuck here for a month. Well, she promised herself, she’d spend that month getting to know this stranger with Akihiko’s face. Hopefully, it would extinguish the flame in her heart or rekindle the fire in his.

[sophieinwonderland]

I've heard tulpas are cultural appropriation :/ u sure you don't have like... psychosis or something? or are you just chronically online

You heard wrong. Anti-endos like pushing the cultural appropriation myth as a means of shutting down one of the most prominent and scientifically-supported endogenic communities.

If you can successfully convince people tulpamancy is racist, then you can discredit any related studies that would support it by association. The truth is you'll be hardpressed to find Buddhists outside of syscourse circles who are actually offended by the existence of the Western practice. And you'll never find an actual Buddhist spiritual leader who speaks about the subject.

Anti-endos can't win on discussions of science, so they instead resort to co-opting the cultures of others to fuel smear campaigns and even try to discredit the science itself.

When people don't have facts on their side, they resort to ad hominems and personal attacks. You know, like this ask is doing.

As for psychosis, we considered it a year ago. My host's father has Schizophrenia, so it was one of a few options. DID was ruled out quickly enough.

However, we're not actually experiencing a break from reality like one would with a delusion. We're completely aware that I'm a psychological construct that exists within the brain. Much the same way that my host does. I'm not something external to the body. I don't have magic powers. I'm just a headmate.

We use the word "Tulpa" to describe what I am, but that's only a word.

I think the psychosis theory ends up being way sillier than us just being plural. It would presume that when I'm not fronting, my host is experiencing a pseudo-hallucination of a girl he communicates with who has her own distinct personality and separate autobiographical connections to memories. THEN when I am fronting, he has the "delusion" of being that girl while talking to a pseudo-hallucination of himself.

I don't know about you, but to me, that seems far more complicated than just believing that the brain can naturally make multiple conscious agents who can take control of the body through nonpathological dissociation. 🤷‍♀️

[duckprintspress]

Our Top 3 Tips for Writing Unreliable Narrators!

Unreliable narrators are a wonderful way to create an immersive, compelling story full of surprises for a reader, but they can be very difficult to write. Fortunately, we’re here to help! Here are our top three tips for writing an unreliable narrator - read on!

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On to our tips...

Tip 1. Everything, literally e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g, has to be seen through the lens of the narrator's unreliability. It's not just their inner monologue. It's how they perceive the entire world, and their challenges or delusions will and should color the entire story - what they notice, how they describe things, how they engage, what they choose to say, how they interpret what they hear, what decisions they make, etc. It's not enough to express their unreliability through inner monologue or relation of their thoughts. Especially if you're writing from a first person or third person limited point of view, if you want an unreliable narrator to work, you’ve gotta go “all in.”

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Take depression as an example. If the character is depressed, they’re not going to look out on a sunny day and describe it as lovely and bright - unless to contrast it with their own unhappiness.

Or, suppose your character has hallucinations. Odds are, they’re not going to know they’re hallucinations, especially as they’re happening. In order to “sell” the events to a reader, it’s essential that there not be any obvious tells in the narration or descriptions...at least until it’s time for the character to realize they’ve been hallucinating. The first time it happens, especially, there’s absolutely no reason that a reader should realize it’s a hallucination - and after the first time, the way the first was written should have been immersive enough that the reader will always have to wonder, in the back of their head, “is this another hallucination?”

If the character believes something, your reader should believe it, until evidence starts to stack up that maybe something is off.

If the character sees something, your reader should be reading a description of that thing as the character sees it, until something changes that affects that perception.

In first person and third person limited PoV, your character is the reader’s avatar in the world, and the world should be seen through that character’s PoV...even if that character’s PoV is a card castle of lies about to be blown over. Write what your character experiences, sees, feels, interprets - not what’s actually around them.

Tip 2. Even as you sink the reader into the narrator’s headspace by writing through that lens, you have to keep track of what's actually happening. In my opinion the hardest part of writing an unreliable narrator is making it clear to the reader that the narrator is unreliable, and clueing readers in to what is actually happening, without breaking out of the unreliable narration. Have a plan for how you're going to do this going in, and be aware that no matter how careful you are a minority of readers will likely completely miss the point and your work will just not be for them. 

There are a lot of ways to get that across. Some will be very subtle (for example, a character believes in magic, but reading between the lines will make it clear there are normal explanations for everything), some easily misunderstood and heavily reliant on metaphor (for example, nightmares, PTSD or flashbacks, that show another angle on the character’s situation), and some are obvious (for example, switching PoV to someone who sees things differently). 

In some stories, you may never want to make it clear. The entire point may be to keep the reader unsure - to maintain the uncertainty of what was real and what wasn’t. Or maybe you’ll make it clear just by the preponderance of events that don’t make sense - people saying one thing while the unreliable narrator consistently reacts as if they’re saying another, for example. Like, if your unreliable narrator has a rival, and that rival is constantly saying things like, “hey, do you want a hand with that? I’d love your advice on this! Maybe we could work together!” it’s going to be clear to the reader fairly quickly that no matter how negatively the unreliable narrator is interpreting these statements, something isn’t matching up.

Use whatever tools you've got in your toolkit to leave a little trail of breadcrumbs about what is real and what is delusion/misperception...but don’t be afraid to leave a little mystery, either. 

Tip 3. Every narrator is an unreliable narrator. All aspects of a person’s personality and background will contribute to their view of the world not matching objective reality (is there such a thing?) and will help the reader to learn about that character. As an author, if you’re writing from a narrow or limited point of view, it’s essential to keep in mind that the PoV character sees everything through the lens of their life experiences. This can and should be communicated through phrasing, word choice, description, inner monologue, dialog - everything. A doctor will know terminology that a mechanic won't, and vice versa. Some characters will step into a room designed for a specific function and recognize everything in it. Others will be clueless and recognize nothing. This should be in the back of your mind with everything you write. 

Of course there is a question of degrees. A character with severe depression who thinks they are worthless is going to be a much less reliable narrator than, say, a patient who doesn't remember what a stethoscope is called. The more unreliable your narrator, the more their viewpoint will skew, but everyone is shaped by their world and everything they experience will be described through the lens of their personal experience and knowledge.

Take education level as an example. A character with a low level of educational attainment isn’t going to bust out thesaurus words when they’re looking at the world around them. They’re not going to look at their beloved’s eyes and think, “oh wow they’re viridian.” What they will think, exactly, will depend on who they are and on their background. If they’re a farmer, maybe those green eyes will remind them of fresh sprouts in spring. If they’re an alien, maybe those green eyes will remind them of the color of the atmosphere on their home planet. If they’re ancient China, maybe those green eyes will remind them of jade.

If you aren’t changing your narrative approach based on whose PoV you’re writing from, you’re missing out on a huge number of options available for fleshing out a character and helping immerse your reader in the story.

Know your character.

Imagine how they perceive the world.

And write your story through their eyes and knowledge level.

And your reader will see the world exactly as they do, and man, will they be in for one heck of a story!