#when I am my most solid in myself
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thinking about spending a long weekend in NYC with the besties this time last yearish, and how tired I am of being in the middle of nowhere. Need the in-person cloud of queerness to abide in already. Extremely tired of watering myself down for others' comfort, even in VT small towns are small towns. It's just not mentally healthy long-term and Im too old for it.
#blathering#this post brought to you by a day of recovering#from social interactions with very nice people yesterday#who were also former cult members and have almost all stayed some shade of conservative#and being extremely aware of how everything I say do and wear can be scrutinized#like huzzah for the 9 year old who zeroed in on me as ah safe person to be weird around#but I just wanna be my whole verbally awkward visually arresting self#and still blend in seamlessly#it is a wonderful thing I have had far too little of in my 30s#when I am my most solid in myself#get me back to the city already
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so hey guys i finished dungeon meshi yesterday and i'm still thinking about it
#ria.txt#i spoiled myself so at first i was like 'this is bonkers wtf are they doing in those last few chapters?????'#but then it was like. yeah. i see#love those ch when it's just clearly putting the squad into Situations#also. izutsumi#what i really liked was how tightly the protagonist and the deuteragonist were wound up in the overall themes#the plot the themes the conflict the characters it was very neatly connected#hence i am also now accidentally invested in whatever going on between laios and marcille#not just platonic not romantic not enemies i just think they work well tgt and deeply care for each other its great watching them develop#it's the leader + most trusted advisor / anxious girlfailure + the annoying freak she's somehow attached to vibes#haha that rabbit chapter with marcille. hahha i was like what the fuck man. it was funny and then boom whump [tears streaming down my face]#those shapeshifter chs were sooo much fun esp seeing other chara's perceptions of each other. stealing that#the changeling ones were great too elf senshi is the fucking funniest he looks sooooooo unserious#marcille's evolving perception with death starting with saving falin and saving the squad and her nightmares of outliving everyone-#-and her dad and her 'temper tantrum' and UGH when at the end she said she was fine with falin not coming back.... WAAA. OUGH.#i think dunmeshi handled the trope of 'prophecy of chosen one becoming king' pretty well and it makes sense why laios is the protag#the worldbuilding is so thoughtful as well i liked seeing different characters with different worldviews interact#very solid and well rounded series wooo#the main 4 has such a fun dynamic together#anyways. dunmeshi au.....#more like borrowing the worldbuilding bc charas are too nuanced for a one to one comparison#ren is like some prince of his own species but he's like 34th in line and no one cares about him so he fucks off to eat monsters#which is why he's both snobbish AND a total freak when it comes to his food taste#false is originally in for the money from ren and plans to scam him but unfortunately the cringefail swag captures her#martyn is Obnoxiously Clueless and thinks he's smart but he's not. he's resourceful but also pathetic and crazy#stress cant cook but she thinks she does so everyone goes (≖_≖ ) when she picks up a pot. they delegate her to killing and chopping duty#the mvp is iskall who keeps on saving everyone's asses and somehow has resources for everyone#i think ren is actually aware false is going to scam him but he has too much money to spend anyway and he thinks shes cool so he lets her??#and somehow she doesnt take the money and run. and goes back to eating monsters w/ the party. everyone is crazy
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#chat i have gotten some strange ideas in my head#i am incapable of moving in silence because i must yap#i have slightly less than a year to get my shit together but i must no longer go with the flow i might fight#firstly i have to get that 3.8 gpa and 7.0 ielts for the full ride scholarship next year#i was drunk and high all last year and my gpa is 3.6 so i think this is doable#gotta prove to my parents i ain’t completely worthless. prove to myself too#i’ll redo year three again when i transfer but once i graduate from [redacted] i’m confident i’ll be much better off#financially than if i graduated here#for sure i’ll be independent#retire my parents too#been so stressed bout jobs lately. outlook been Bad bad. i feel positively towards my school but it’s a ทางพ่าน for most people#halfway point?#i knew they had this 2+2 program but i had it stuck in my head it wasn’t worth doing cuz i’m fucked and nothings worth trying anymore#id only fail again#been thinking and thinking and listening and thinking some more#this can’t be it#if i got the opportunity i gotta try. if i change enough it’s not out of the question. why not change#5 mil baht for two years is brutal but if the investment pays off it’s a solid fucking investment#i will no longer die i will commit myself to becoming a better person and i will get rich asf#money make da world go round#today i got electronics lab midterm wish me luck
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I guess I just wanna make a good impression on the band so they won't think I'm weird or stupid or hate me for whatever reason
also don't wanna get my hopes up in case I'm reading things wrong yknow
I just. always feel so weird and awkward and foot in mouth. never know what to talk about or I feel like I overshare and say the weirdest things idk
I'm just
genuinely wondering why they keep being so nice to me when I've been nothing but an awkward mess around them tbh.....
#my self perception is at an all time low tbh. i keep worrying about how i might look to others for days on end#still kinda worried i looked weird up on stage with steel panther last friday#still worried about my interactions with the band who quasi adopted me at the festival and#most worried about my interaction with the singer when he visited me at work yesterday#augh..... stupid overthinking brainnnnnnnnn#no matter how old i get or how much i tell myself to stop worrying i am still that awkward bullied 12 year old that no one liked 👍#also the problem of having no solid grasp on my personality or outside presentation. i'm a vague nebulous mess...#and it's not good for my brain
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dudes ive hit a point with The Horrors:tm: where im unable to convince myself that any of my friends actually like me
#vent#it's like. i think im a pretty solid guy#my negative traits dont define my view of myself etc#i understand that if someone doesnt ike me it doesnt mean im horible etc#but like. i am unable to believe that anyone wants to be around me#even if someone explicitly says they want to talk to me/want to hang out/enjoy my presence#im like hmm. well. sounds fake.#and again it's not like i think im an unlovable piece of shit or something#i just dont think anyone is being honest with me#like i rarely notice hints or subtext or passive aggression when people talk to me#but im simultaneously excessively sensitive and will be like 'wait do they hate me now' if someone sends like an all lowercase one word tex#because it's like. oh no what if they actually ARE hinting that they dont like me. etc#most of the time when i get 'god shut the fuck up' vibes theres not actually anything wrong#BUT because theres been so many times that i MISSED the 'god shut the fuck up' vibes#i automatically assume everyone is mad at me/doesnt like me/doesnt want t talk.#even trying to say 'usually im wrong about people being mad' is extremely difficult#bc im like. fully convinced ive been right every time#and that everyone has just been lying t me#this has been a thing since like. age 14+ for me#but lately it's gotten worse#and like im scared to even dm a friend a meme because they might be mad (they literally sent me a song rec earlier. i have no reason to#assume theyre mad. except when i got the messages i was like 'oh no what if this has a hidden meaning')#it's one of those things where like. my anxiety medication works really well#but this is the flavor of anxiety thats inspired by past experiences#s even if i try to tell myself there arent any signs that theyre mad/annoyed/whatever#i immediately think 'but ive been wrong before.'#and then that same loop stops me from asking. because asking either annoys people or they lie to me about it#idk idk idk im tired#even if i did ask i wouldnt believe any answer other than 'yes im mad/annoyed/whatever'#including if they add 'i just need to be alone right now' or 'yes but not at you' or 'yes and i need to cool off'
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Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.
#my period ended so it ain't that.#maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced-#-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad.#maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'.#like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me-#-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women#or gnc women.#why am i so irritable jfc.#every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.'#and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it.#wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people.#so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes.#how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself#because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world.#how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay.#i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that...#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............#no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me.#why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness#or of gender-expansiveness...#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.#need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.
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I think I've been touchy lately about my feelings of access to/participation in generativity. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately by how much needs doing and how much disparate but necessary information I'm keeping in my head. I should probably get back into my thought maps for the work on the yard and house, because I think that will make it easier for me to empty my head when I'm not actively trying to work on something.
#i'm feeling a sinking recognition that i need to build a life for myself that's functional#even if it means accepting norms that i have been trying to cight for a long time in my relationships#boundaries are weird and hard and i've never been particularly good at them#but if the comversations i have with my clients are anything to go by#i have a solid understanding of how to identify and communicate them#i just don't seem to have the will to stand by my decision when push comes to shove#so people around me carry on doing what they've always done#and going all shocked pikachu face when i finally collect myself enough to remind them exactly how i feel about their behavior#oh i have no idea you felt like this!!!#why are you so angry and snappish all the time?????#i just don't have any idea what else you expect from me i already spend all my time thinking about what i expect you to expect of me?#what do you mean that's not the same thing as actually having open lines of communication with me and treating me like awhole fuckin person#i work so hard not to take my frustration out on anyone#to be kind and calm and clear when I talk#to love the things about them that i love and enjoy the time with them that i enjoy without feeling compelled to seek disappointment#asking for more or different just won't happen so what's the point of looking to feel hurt#and i do have a lot of different areas of my life that fulfill different needs of mine#so i understand that i'm lucky and should really probably accept that i am much less alone than I often feel#i just wish i had someone in my life who was both willing and able to see all of me with affection#or at least. someone who was willing and able to take on that role and who I am willing and able to trust with the role#therapy helps#my new therapist is nice and seems open and understanding#but i understand our relationship probably better than most patients given the circumstances#i know how important it is that she never be more than a facilitator of space in my life#she seems good at doing that and i appreciate having the space again#i don't really know what i want anymore but i know i'm tired of feeling unwelcome in my wholeness of self
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having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not
#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th#idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self#like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me#but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in#but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them#and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad???#which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended???#but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????''#even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half#if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it#(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out)#but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender)#and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting#which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he#and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that#but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender)#was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels#scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself#which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing.#so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender#bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine#and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it#but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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#ouagh. :']#ok. i am a simple thing. i'm just a guy y'know. and i try#i try to be kinder to myself i try to be kind and change for the better!! but this is hard but i've been doing well#i'm not as anxious as i once was and this is great. but Sometimes#yeah.#i'm a simple guy with simple occasional worries yk#and one of those things happens to be maybe#not being enough or being too much at the same time y'know#and i caught myself worrying so i was like hm maybe i will look at my nice pile of reminders and nice things#and so i remembered that i love. like a Lot. and i love my friends so So much#and i do my best to express this as often as i can right! and i thought about how it might make me feel#if despite all that my love could not reach a friend when they need it most#that they might forget (it's not their fault)#but in remembering this it helped Me be like. Oh. yes i am loved. don't forget so easily#whew. this whole trusting thing is hard. but man i am sooo good at this and i'm doing great#anyways. i feel much better#and also proud of myself for genuinely being able to reassure myself. it's always felt more like#“well we've Gotta keep going” as opposed to “yeah actually. it's okay” does this make sense#it feels as if i've made n held onto something solid as opposed to waiting for something like that 2 come along#sap says#well. goodnight :]
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i cant believe fontaine finally cleaned up its archon quest writing and learned to Actually Proper Balance its npc screentime with its playable character screentime. and yet. AND YET!!! THIS is the nation where i end up hyperfixating on the historical figures with no official designs.
#rambling#genshin#i am DANGEROUSLY close to speedrunning the “hyperfixated on a blorbo > loosely based in canon headcanons > 'thats just your oc'” pipeline#with the narzissenkreuz institute kids#im dying so much to see what happens next that im just making up shit in my mind functionally 😭#if they wont give me more quest for like another month then i will do it myself 💥💥#but actually they should take their time with the quests. my impatience is my own fault and should not be the basis for a rushed story#anyways. i cant believe they finally got solid playable character writing in the archon quests#and instead of hyperfixating on lyney who checks like. almost EVERY blorbo preference box of mine.#im obsessed with an oceanid world quest 😭 and some random journals#something something tragedy something something#i think i just really loved the intrigue and mystery of it all. slowly finding all the notebooks and piecing together#who did what and wtf went down#was SO satisfying. it was so cool to figure out#i was live reacting to the oceanid quest in a discord channel with some friends and you could literally SEE my thought process go from#“this quest boring as shit idc about oceanid roleplay” to “oh wait they're actually commenting on the nostalgia themes now” to#“HEY WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE THE NAMES CONNECT?!?!”#especially since when i started doing all that the wiki didn't have character pages for most of the narzissenkreus institute kids#beyond like one to two sentences#and so the moment i saw that rene's page was like an actual paragraph and mentioned the kvarnah quest i was like HOLY FUCK#anyways!!!! genshin's writing has been surprisingly good recently#but still. i cant believe they finally managed to get me attached to a random npc! a random HISTORICAL npc for that matter!!!!#inazuma and sumeru wishes they had that#i think another part of it is that fontaine has been good about giving its historical figures consistent personality and character voices#and also character drama! like there's a LOT to latch onto here especially since they're letting you see it firsthand instead of only notes#and since they've tied it back to the present in a couple of very obvious ways it makes the connections easier to latch onto#and also since there's less people to worry about#i still don't understand inazuma history tbh. there were too many damn people and they all blended together in my mind...#they all had like overlapping jobs too ueghhjk#“this guy was a master of [weapon] and died in the catacylsm” describes like at least 3 people who are only ever mentioned in artifact sets
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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2022 art summary!!! Very boringly designed bc im Lazy lol (i did it based off when i made the art, so some of them dont match when i posted it um. Just ignore that)
And then just for fun, a lil comparison to the past 4 years
This year ive been feeling meh about my art and that im not improving as quickly as i want to, but seeing my art slowly changing over only 4 years is definitely helping with that! And apparently i drew a champion iris at least once evey year which is neat (rosa too but she got cropped out of 2021)
And also, heres 4 years worth of yellow bday art. i plan to keep this trend going until i forget
#The yellow art has a weird pattern of clean style ti sketchy to clean to sketchy#so inevitably 2023 one will be in a clean style i guess#art tag#Never posted the 2021 summary btw i kept that one to myself lol#Its 2023 in a hour where i am.... wow#I have 20 billion art goals for next year but mainly i want a way solider understanding of shapes and form n stuff#Most of my art looks wonky in places and its bc i refuse to learn how cubes work. When i first noticed it it became glaringly obvious#I wanna make art that looks at 3d w cool shapes and perspective and all that!!!! Aaaaa#Happy new year! I might post to twt then sleep. This year went so fast#Next year is my first year out of school so itll be v different but ill get through it#ALSO ALSO I KEEP SEEING FRIENDS IN MY TAGS I HAVENT TALKED TO IN YEARS..... TYSM FOR EVERYTHING#my experience online has been entirely fun and positive and its purely bc i was surrounded by the most wonderful people the whole time!!#ill never forget all the friends i made and fun i had ESPECIALLY during my ask blog days srsly#i hold that stuff so close to my heart and if anyone i interacted w even once online is reading this. hbhhuhbuubuhb. ty#im only writing all this bc im tired and excited so im gonna ACTUALLY sleep. hope 2023 is a good year for everyone !!!!!
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#i want cake#but id have to make it myself to access one i can eat#and i am. lazy as shit.#lol#i havent baked a thing since i learned i was gluten intolerant even tho it used to be my favorite way to make food#bc... MOST baked goods without gluten. suck. ASS.(not all- but my adhd ass is a picky as shit bitch okay)#and i dont have the will to try and fail until i find 1 decent recipe i can manage#(bc when i say im picky i mean if its too sweet my body will Literally Revolt but if its Just Taste I will not eat it)#i miss bread. i miss salty restaurant fries. i miss cookies. i do not have the spoons to make solid subsitutes worth the effort.
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housing expensive and scary
#mine#two solid months of auditory overstimulation got me looking at realtor sites again#renting is cheaper but I'm trying to get Away from shared walls and plus I'm still traumatised by the bug infestation#but houses here have lots of yard that is utterly useless to me and I'd have to join an HOA if I want anywhere that I don't hafta landscape#on top of it all I have to decide if it's rly worth shelling out for transportation#if I weren't a fucking vampire I could just walk but noooooo 🙄 I have to become gravely ill after ten minutes in the sun 🙄#doctor appointments are starting to calm down tho so I won't need to leave the house as much maybe#... *sigh* ik rn I wanna bury myself in a ground hovel somewhere but I am also worried I'll just be trapped again#but this time more expensive bc I'll be alone#I don't want roommates I want to be in control of when I socialise#but irl I don't know how to do that and it'll be a Lot harder on my own I think bc of the lack of transport#... I mean... my plan is to use a rideshare app. which is abt as realiable as mum. so maybe I'm just overthinking#there's also the matter of previewing locations... that'll be tricky bc I will need mum for that and there's no guarantee she won't ...#do the most. ig.
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not that im mad or that i hate it, its simply impossible not to compare, impossible not to think that to you its enough to do that but i feel like i constantly have to break and stale over lost time, and desperation that i work on something insignificant that yet occupies the biggest part of my day and its leading me nowhere, and that desperation is what has always dragged me through, even when things seem so hopeless. it doesnt mean it isnt tiring, all the opposite.
#and you grin and smile and laugh about things you like on your full time#and my friends travel to europe for holidays#and go out with their partners#and i try for fucks sake and in most days i do see the beauty the good and the virtue in my desperate attempts to keep health going#but hell sometimes its hard#and today is one of those#I cant afford abroad or masters or anywhere nor am i dedicating my work to something i care about and im cosntantly reminded that#what i care about isnt important and that i shouldnt spend so much time in things that dont matter in the end#apologies that we clearly see things differently and ive fought tooth and nail for the state i am currently#and so i cant afford vacations in europe but neither can you dad even when you did everything you deemed right#and your debts are half mine nowadays even when i do it all half right#you tried so hard to erase our home country it should come as no surrprise that i dont match your youth and their values#you believe in traditional and solidness and i believe in things that are real and mine they match and converge in some places at least#the same way i am only half the son you wanted but got a daughter that has seen the way you talk about women only half right#i will disappoint#thats a fact but it wont be myself thats for sure
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