#what if you were the only person I'd ever met who really understood what I've been through

[quadrantadvisor]

someday I'm actually gonna try to write one of my concepts for Danny/Jason because like. There is something so special and important to me about two dead boys reminding eachother how to live.

[obeymematches]

MC acting oblivious!

since you're accepting hcs now, how about an mc whos a big tease/bully (aka mammons worst nightmare lol)? im quick to realize when someone has a crush on me and when i like them back i turn into the biggest tease on earth until the other person confesses. im good at acting oblivious so its always "wait, they cant possibly know i like them, right??" poor, poor souls lmao. so im wondering how the brothers+undateables would handle an mc like that! keep up the great work! 💕

Hi, good to see you again !!! <3 

okay i love this so much lets go ! 

Lucifer: 

Okay so in his case it’s mentioned several times that he is in love with the MC so this ain’t just some crush he’s being teased about but that’s one of the reasons why he loves you so much.  

He is rather guarded emotianlly as his pride isn’t going to let him just fall for anyone. But once he does he is not going to deny it!  

Lucifer is someone who will ask you out on a date without a warning. The only thing you might notice beforehead is that he spends suspiciously lots of his time with you. (by a lot in his case I mean something in between 30 and 60 mins every second day. he’s a busy man) 

Him: My schedule is tight today but I would like to spend time with you, MC, would you care to join me at a confectionary?  MC: sounds like you’re very busy, are you sure about that? 🥺 Him,  slightly offended but still lovingly: Yes, MC. Let me express myself better... would you please have a date with me today? MC: oh....um-

Mammon:

● oh god, oh jesus, oh no

● We all know The Great Mammon has a hard time admitting his feelings out loud, with words, bluntly.

● So the way I see it, the situation is about to be Awkward As Hell.

● Mammon is clearly sweating, butterflies occupying his entire stomach, he fiddles with his nails.

● Him: So MC, I was thinking- I mean I'm thinking- wanna go skating with me tonight?

MC: Oh that's a very romantic idea- but I think friends don't just go skating, you know.

Him: Friends??! I don't wanna be just your friend MC-

You: Then? Then what?

Him: Goddamn I- I just want to be yours- Jesus ya are makin' it so difficult MC, it is not easy as is!!

Leviathan:

● ahh the frustrated face he makes through this conversation isn't just a facade. He really is stressing right now.

● Him: MC.... there is something I must tell you. And you only. Please listen and don't tell anyone!

MC: Don't worry Levi, I too hate people who gossip-

Him: No it's not like that. I have a desire in my heart that I must share with you as you are the most special person I ever met and I can only hope you feel the same way for me and- I feel so embarassed but I've been meaning to ask you this- would you be my partner? My player 2?

MC: well if you wanted me to play you could have just said so like you always do-

Levi: What?? Is that what you understood? No MC you don't get it! Ahhh I knew I shouldn't have asked you my chances with you are close to zero-

MC: Wait Levi I'm so sorry-

Satan:

● You could tell he was acting different these past couple of days. He was texting you more, he offered to spend more time with you- it was obvious he likes you.

● He knocked on your bedroom door and as you liked him just as much as he liked you, of course you let him in.

● I think you acting like you don't know what's going on turns him on? Like he know you ain't stupid. He knows you like him at least a little bit too, otherwise he wouldn't be here talking with you.

● Him: So MC, are you free now?

MC: Well, it depends on how you define "free" I think.

Him: Oh quit it please.

MC: I would if I knew what you were up to right now-

Him: Alright. You are going to make it more complicated, I see. In this case, meet me at 4PM at the common room. Please. I'd like to take you on a date if you're free.

MC: Inside the house? Weird if you ask me-

Him: ...... you are right actually. Let's meet at the park then. Don't be late.

Asmo:

● Again he would absolutely love you acting like you noticed nothing when he couldn't be more clear about what he wants.

● He knows this game though & he is quicker than you are.

● Him, cuddling you: So MC I have been thinking about us....what are we?

● MC: We are.... the best. Me, a human, and you, a demon.

Him: Nooooo, you know that's not what I meant!!!

MC: Well I don't know what you mean Asmo. Aren't we though?

Him: Aren't we what? A human and a demon?? Ahhhhg stop playing with me MC!

Beelzebub:

● Ohh babe is going to believe you actually don't know what' going on-

● I think he'd find it funny when he realizes you were just acting like such-

Him: MC. I like you.

MC: Okay, I like you too. That's why I'm your friend.

Him: Yes we are friends I know... but to me you are the first person I want to talk to if anything happens, good or bad... you are on my mind all the time, no matter what- I haven't felt like this in my entire life- you are the most special person to me, MC.

MC: Ohhh... I didn't realize-

Him: I only went out with Mammon yesterday because I thought... I was hoping you'd be there to, that you'd join... I just wanted to spend more time with you. But you weren't there. Let's go somewhere together today- I mean, if you want to-

Belphegor:

● MC you are about to annoy him to deatg to be fair.

● Depending on his mood he might join you though!!!

Him: So human- I mean MC. Let's hang out today.

MC: We already do.

Him: I meant as a date, stop playing stupid.

MC: I don't like being called stupid. Is this how you are asking me out on a date??

Him: See I knew you knew what I meant!

MC: Why would you ask me on a date though, aren't we just friends?

Him: .....

Him: We could change that- I want to be your one and only.

MC: Well if you are my one and only friend I might get lonely when you're too busy for me though-

Him: Stop it don't say another word. Are you coming today or not? MC? You listening?

MC: you just asked me to shut up-

[thatgaeilgeoirhag]

I'm so alone without you (angst)

Tate Langdon x Reader

Summary: You visit the murder house after Tate's death. Inspired by the song "A House in Nebraska" by Ethel Cain.

Warnings: mentions of death, school shootings and suggested suicide. It's insinuated that Tate and the reader have slept together. No mentions of the reader's gender. No use of y/n.

a/n: this is the first fic that I've ever posted, and I doubt anyone will read this but I had this idea and wanted to write it. any writing advice would be greatly appreciated.

------------------------------------------------

There was a chill in the air. Just like the day you first met Tate Langdon, and just like that day in the cemetery with his family. No one came to the funeral except his remaining family, his mother, his sister, and you. Hey, who would show up to the funeral of a guy that shot up a school? Your parents didn't want you to go but you needed to. You needed to grieve the boy you knew, and not that monster that the world now knows him as.

So now, you found yourself outside the gate of his house, where you forged your most precious memories with Tate. You pushed the gate and it made that sharp sound it always had. Your feet treaded the path you walked so many times, up the steps and stopped at the front door. You still had the key Tate had made for you so you could come over as you pleased, now you just hoped that the locks weren't changed when Constance and Addie moved out. You inserted the key into the door and miraculously you heard a click. The door swung open. You hesitated. Was this a good idea?

You took a deep breath and stepped inside. You walked the halls of the house and up the stairs, your feet automatically brought you to what was once Tate's room. Now however, the room is empty. All traces of his gone. No furniture, no posters, nothing. Not even the smell of him remained. You sat against the wall in the space where Tate's bed used to be The bed where he made you his, back in a time where it was you two against the world. When the two of you had nothing except each other He was your home.

You shuffled on the floor into a more comfortable position. "Tate?" you whispered under your breath, "wherever you are, I miss you". The room remained still. "The last time I was here I had just had another fight with Dad. I cried so hard 'cause he didn't even try understand my point of view. I had come here because you were the only one who always understood me. And after I cried in your arms you cracked some stupid joke to make me laugh, and I did, like I always did." You exhaled and leaned your head back against the wall.

"You know, your Mom calls me sometimes to see how I'm doing. I lie. I tell her I'm fine like I tell everyone when they ask me that. What no one knows, is that I'd kill myself just to hold you one more time. Or even just touch your skin or run my fingers through your hair. It hurts to miss you 'cause of what you did. The guilt I feel for not knowing you would do such a thing and try to stop you-" you began to choke on your words as you noticed the tears streaming down your face now.

"Your the only person I could ever talk to about how I really feel. I was never scared to tell you that I hurt. Now, all I can do now is look at old photographs and talk to myself in your old house like an idiot." You stood up suddenly. "This is stupid."

You stormed out of the room, but just as you stepped into the hallway you heard an all too familiar voice behind you. "Don't go." You stopped in your tracks. There's no way. You slowly turned around, afraid of what you might see, or maybe even worse, what you don't see.

There, in the center of the room, stood Tate. Without thinking, you sped into his arms. "Am I dead?" you muttered under your breath. "No, your alive alright" Tate whispered into your ear with a chuckle. You removed your head from his chest and looked up to his face, the face you were sure you'd only ever see again in photographs. "Then how are you here?" you were careful not to let go of him, who knows how long you would be able to do this, "Tate, your dead." You were confused, and rightfully so.

"Yeah, I am" he said softly. There was a moment of silence which was then broken by a harsh smack. Tate raised his hand from your waist to his cheek. "Dude! What was that for?" he snapped. "What was that for?" you scoffed, your body became tense "Tate you killed people! You could have talked to me but you decided it was a better idea to set a man on fire and bring a gun to school? What the actual fuck was wrong with you?" You shook Tate's hand off of you and took a step back, flailing your arms at him in anger. The shocked, hurt expression on his face disappeared. His eyes became red and his lips rested into a soft frown. No words left his mouth. The air became thick and heavy as you continued to stare him down, angry and hurt.

The anger dissipated and your body loosens. "You hurt people, Tate" your words were no longer full of anger, they were full of pain, "you hurt me, you left me alone." You took another step away from him. Tate took a step closer to you, "I-" he exhaled helplessly "I'm sorry, I know that doesn't erase the things I did."

You finally turned around to leave, "maybe you could visit me from time to time?" Tate pleaded, "it gets lonely here, we could pretend nothing happened if you want to." You stood there, hesitating. You could never forgive him, but just minutes ago you begged to be with him again, to talk to him, to hold him.

Without a word, you fled the house, leaving Tate there in his empty room.

[lucy90712]

Pablo Gavi- Teach me

A/n: I know Gavi didn’t play in the second leg against Man Utd but let’s just pretend he did

wc: 2.3k

Today has just been one of those days everything has just not gone my way. This morning the shower in my room at university didn't work and since I've dropped seemingly everything I've picked up and I just can't figure out how to start my next assignment. In hopes to clear my mind I decided to go for a walk as usually that helps me sort my head out and get myself back in a good mind set. My walk was really nice for a while until I got into the town which was heaving with people. Usually it's busy but today it was just manic which was making me more stressed than I was before I left.

Once I got a bit further I realised that I came out not too long before Manchester United play Barcelona in the europa league. Had I known the game was on I would never have come this way as usually I avoid going anywhere near the stadium on game days as it gets so busy but now I'm committed to going this way I will just have to deal with it. The last time I accidentally came near the stadium on a game day when I first moved here I found a back road that was a lot more quiet so I made my way through the crowds until I found the street. The street goes around the back of the stadium which is why it's so quiet but I like it as it gave me my chance to relax like I wanted.

While walking I took my phone out of my coat pocket to change the song playing in my ears as it wasn't one I was feeling at the moment. Just as I looked down at my phone it was like I walked into a wall and all of a sudden I nearly fell backwards and my phone went crashing to the floor. It was clear to me that to top my bad day off I'd just walked into someone. I almost didn't want to look up and see the person who was probably going to yell at me but I did anyway. When I did look up I nearly fell over again as my eyes were met with probably the most attractive guy I've ever met so I cursed myself even more. The guy bent down and picked up my phone handing it back to me so I could see that it was completely smashed but luckily it still worked.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't paying attention to where I was going are you ok" I apologised

"I-it's ok" the guy replied with a very thick Spanish accent

"Are you ok?" He asked

"I'm fine but my phone not so much" I joked trying to make light of the situation

The guy laughed before signalling for someone else nearby to come over who he talked to in what I assume was Spanish while I just watched. I wasn't really sure if I was supposed to keep standing there but I did anyway as it's not like I understood what they were saying. To me it sounded like they were arguing but eventually they stopped talking and the other guy turned to face me.

"Hey I'm Ferran and this is Pablo he wants to invite you to watch the game later but he doesn't know how to say it" Ferran said

"It's nice to meet you both I'm y/n, I'd love to come to the game but only if it's no trouble I've already caused enough problems here today" I said

"It's not problem at all Pablo here would love to have you watch" Ferran said

"Then I'd love to" I replied

After agreeing to go to the game Pablo ran off and went to talk to someone else and when he came back he handed me a ticket to the game which when I glanced at seemed to be a vip ticket. He then managed to ask me to meet him after the game and Ferran told me just to show my ticket and give the security my name and they would let me in. With that they both ran off towards the stadium and I was left completely shocked and confused as to what just happened. It felt like a fever dream but it was definitely real life and now I had about an hour and a half before I was supposed to be going to a football game. Luckily that is enough time to go home and get changed and hopefully do some research on this game as I know very little about football.

Gavi's POV

Before any game I go through the same routine but tonight that routine has gone out the window. On the way into the stadium someone walked into me which usually would be a bit annoying but I would just move on but when I looked at who walked into me I saw the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. In that moment I decided that I couldn't just let her leave for me never to see her again so I invited her to the game or well Ferran did as I didn't know how to say it in English. The fact that I couldn't talk to her is exactly why my routine has changed as I need to learn as much English as possible before I see her after the game.

Most of the guys only speak Spanish but some have played over here and know some English so I begged them to teach me some English. Of course everyone laughed at me that all it took was a girl to finally make me learn English but eventually they agreed to help me after I told them she would be coming to the game later. To start with they were teaching me things that I won't be using later and I know not to use them as they were giggling as they taught me the words which means they are things that will either make me look like a weirdo or make her hate me. Once they had their fun they started to take things seriously and taught me basic sentences to use. it was hard to learn a language so quickly but I wrote some of them down on my phone just in case I forget. Even during warm up I kept practicing to make sure I don't make a fool of myself.

Instead of focusing on the game like I should be during warm up I also looked around the stadium to see if y/n had actually turned up. I mean I wouldn't blame her if she didn't show up as she clearly didn't know who I was so to her it was just some random guy inviting her to a game. As warm up went on I was starting to think she wouldn't show up when I couldn't see her but right before we went back down the tunnel I saw her walk in and start looking around. Knowing she actually came gave me even more motivation to win this game and impress her.

Your POV

I pretty much ran home to put on a nicer outfit before heading straight back out to go to the stadium. I have never been to a football match before mainly because I don't have much of an interest in the sport but when you get invited to a game by a very attractive guy you just have to go so that's exactly what I did. On my walk back to the stadium I tried looking up a bit about the game and I found out that it's the second leg of this game and that currently the score is  2-2 draw which means either team has a chance of making it. Living in Manchester I know a bit about the united team but I know next to nothing about Barcelona so I focused my search on them.

When looking at the Barcelona players I almost dropped my phone out of pure shock. Right in front of me listed as one of the players was Pablo and Ferran. When I googled him I only got more flustered as he is my age and has already played in the World Cup and won trophies for how talented he is. All of a sudden I felt really stupid that I'd just so casually spoken to such a famous footballer without having any clue who he was. As much as it's embarrassing I clearly didn't make an awful impression as he still invited me to watch the game so I need to put it behind me and just try not to make more of a fool of myself.

It took me forever to find the entrance I was supposed to go in once I made it to the stadium but eventually I found my way into the stadium but then I had to find my seat which involved a lot of walking back and forth but once I reached the right section it was easy to find my seat. As I sat down I noticed the players heading back in from the pitch from what I assume was their warm up. I didn't see Pablo but I knew he would have been out there as he was named in the starting line up. With the few minutes I had before the match started I spent my time trying to use google translate to learn a bit of Spanish as Pablo only speaks Spanish so I want to be able to talk to him after the game. Of course I know that everything might not be incredibly accurate but anything is better than nothing and I'm sure he will understand most of what I say.

Soon enough the game started and Barcelona got off to a great start by scoring a penalty putting them ahead overall. The first half ended with the same score but once the second half kicked off it only took a few minutes for Manchester United to score making things level again. From then the match was hard to watch as Barcelona were really struggling and eventually the inevitable happened Man Utd scored their second goal putting them ahead with about 15 minutes left. I really hoped that Barcelona could bring it back but they just couldn't get close enough and the game ended with Man Utd making it through to the next round and Barcelona being left disappointed. As much as I'd only been invested in this matched for a few hours I still felt awful for the whole team but especially Pablo as I could see the disappointment on his face from my seat.

I stayed sat in the stands for a few minutes deciding whether Pablo would even want to still see me after the game but in the end I just decided to go for it as if I don't I'm never going to see him again and if things go wrong then the same applies. Heading through the stadium and to the areas that most people will never see felt so wrong but I kept going until some security stopped me so I did what Ferran told me to do and they let me right through and even told me where to go. It felt so weird to be walking down the tunnel with loads of players standing around I just felt so out of place as I'm just a normal university student that has nothing to do with football whatsoever. I stood outside of the away teams locker room looking at my home until someone spoke to me which nearly made me jump out of my skin.

"Hey" Pablo said

"Hi I'm sorry you lost you played really well though" I said

"Thank you" he replied

He seemed to have learnt some English as he was able to ask me some questions as we got to know each other a bit while just stood in the hallway. I expected him to be quite full of himself as he's an attractive famous footballer but he was so down to earth and incredibly sweet that I kind of forgot who I was talking to. I was surprised after earlier that he was able to speak quite well on occasion we had a bit of trouble but google translate helped with that. At some point he had to head back to the hotel but before leaving he asked for my number and asked me if I would join him for breakfast in the morning before he leaves. Of course I agreed but once I was alone again I wondered how I managed to get myself into this situation.

~~~~~~~~~~

"I can't believe you made everyone teach you English just so you could speak to me" I laughed

"Well what else was I supposed to do you were way too beautiful for me to just let you go I had to do something" Pablo defended himself

"It was worth it though wasn't it?" He asked

"Oh definitely I'll forever be grateful to your teammates for helping you talk to me because now I have the best husband in the world" I said

"And I have an even better wife" he said trying to make me blush and succeeding

So much has changed since the day we first met and honestly I'm not sure I know how it all happened but I'm incredibly grateful that it did. Since meeting Pablo my life has only gotten better everyday and now that we are married I couldn't be happier. The road to get here wasn't easy but we have gone through it all together and I hope we will continue to do so for the rest of our lives.

[cy-cyborg]

So... turns out the whole "discovering my autism later in life" wasn't entirely correct for me. I don't know what to say, it's all confusing as hell (confused rant ahead)

I found 2 neurospyc reports, one from when I was 10 and another when I was 16/17 that list traits and test results consistent with what, today, would be considered level 2 autism and ADHD. but then they both turn around and say the neurospyc chose not to diagnose...

The first one had at least a good reason. From my understanding, at that point in time, autism couldn't be diagnosed unless all other possibilities had been ruled out, and the neurospyc says that these traits could also come from brain damage from meningococcol (the illness that caused my physical disability). Meningococcol's effects on a developing brain weren't well understood back then, so I guess I get it. It does, however, lay out some further testing that could be done by other specilists to rule it out, as well as mention what we should expect to see as I grow if it is autism. I met all the autism points, and I have the other specialists' reports ruling out meningococcol side effect theory. I likely still couldn't have been diagnosed at the time, though, because autism and ADHD were considered conflicting diagnoses, but the fact they were still considering it is a big positive to me.

The second one though... doesn't acknowledge any of this. It lists all the same traits (plus the new ones I developed that the other report predicted), talks about their severity and then... turns around and says it's actually not that bad and I don't need a diagnosis 😑. It doesn't say it explicitly, but the second report talks a lot about how friendly I was, how I was doing well in school (I really wasn't, I had like, one class I did well in because it aligned with my special interest, and the rest I was bearly scraping by) how I maintained eye contact and number of other things. It concluded that a diagnosis wasn't needed.

It's worth mentioning that when the second report was done, not only was I only doing high school part-time (3 days a week) because the 5 day week lead to burnout constantly, but I was also receiving the most support I'd ever had because my school recognised something was up and got me extra help (they didn't need a diagnosis because of my physical disability). I literally had someone who's job it was to come find me at lunch and remind me to eat and use the toilet, as well as to help me with assignments because in both yr 10 and yr 11 I almost failed so bad i came close to needing to repeat (i'd already repeated once). Not necessarily because I couldn't do the assignments, though some i definitely needed support on that front too, but because I just forgot they existed and never did them/handed them in. I was also in detention pretty much every day in yrs 7-10 because the same thing happened with regular homework. I either forgot to do it, or refused because I was so burned out, i just couldn't do it. This was all mentioned in the report, and it mentions that the school even provided letters to back the claims up (though i dont have those) and this doctor was like "hmmm, yes, this seems like a person who is well adjusted and in need of no further support! These traits definitely won't cause issues for them in adult life, especially in a country where we make disabled people do time-sensitive paperwork on every single aspect of their lives and have to update said paperwork constantly"

(what no, I'm not salty about something specific to do with government agencies in the Aus disability sector, what are you talking about...)

And shockingly once those supports were gone I nosedived. I've been in pretty much constant burnout since 2019, it was so bad in 2021 I had to stop working (which gutted me, I LOVED my job), and when burnout lasts that long it can do permanent damage.

There's even a report that was with the neurospyc report from one of my pediatric amputee rehab specilists that states I can not go unsupported into the adult sector, I will not cope. I will not be able to communicate my needs effectively. My health will decline. It was backed up by the senior peds. orthopaedic surgeon and the senior peds. plastics surgeon (who all knew me my entire life). The report says they had to bring me back into to the pediatric hospital for a few checkups even after I was 18 because the transition was so overwhelming I just stopped seeking medical treatment. I remember that. I remember trying to talk to the adult sector specilists and them just not understanding me and not understanding what the problem is. I remember the issue at hand (issues with my knee) getting so bad, but not knowing what else to do. I stopped going because i didnt want to be told my issue wasnt that bad. I still don't understand what I did or said wrong, and it's still happening today. My whole pediatric team was right, i needed help, but sure, I don't need extra supports because the neurospyc said "I was friendly".

Just FYI, when they finally did an MRI of the knee it was literally falling apart. The pain I was complaining about was constant dislocation and a bone infection. That knee had to be amputated. It was serious.

My therapist asked me to find these neurospyc reports if I could. I knew I had them but not what they said, and she hoped that there would be something in them that would allow her to make a case to the NDIS that even though we "don't know the reason" because there's no official diagnosis, it's clear I need more support, and theres been proof of it for years. And now I've read through them... Just knowing how well documented it all was, knowing that my pediatric care team, my doctors, my specilists, my parents, my teachers etc all knew I was struggling and tried to get me help, but one person decided "nah" has me just... confused beyond belief. I have a binder full of everything I can find that I'm going to bring to my therapist. I hope we can do something with it now.

[nopeferatu]

Poll time!

I'd love to hear your reasonings for your responses! See below the cut for my own take, but only after you vote! :P

Putting this out there bc I've read a lot of BBM fic and I always thought it was pretty clear that the whole "Fellas like you and me, we march off to hell" "You may be a sinner, but I ain't yet had the opportunity" scene was Ennis slyly admitting to Jack that he was a virgin.

There are no lines that directly say this is the case, neither within the movie script (although there were rumors that an earlier draft had Ennis saying smth like "You may be a sinner, but Alma ain't yet given me the opportunity) nor the short story (unless you take "nothing he'd done before but no instruction manual needed" as the narrator saying Ennis had never penetrated anything before, which is how I have always understood it). I just always felt like Ennis assumes that Jack, the a swaggering, cocky rodeo dude, is more wordly than him and has been presented with a lot of different opportunities to indulge in what their conservative Christian society considers sin and vice... including premarital sex.

So imagine my surprise when I found that a surprising amount of people write Ennis as having had previous sexual experiences before ever meeting Jack. There's nothing wrong with it, of course, like you can interpret these characters however you want yanno? I just don't personally agree with that assessment.

Not to like... give any validity to the idea of virginity since at the end of the day it's just a social concept, lol, but I just think it's really important narratively that Ennis lose his virginity to a man. Like, he's been worried all his life about the consequences of queerness within men, and yet the seemingly first time he's ever presented with the opportunity to have sex is with another man, and he absolutely jumps at it. That point is in tandem with my belief that Ennis is the type who probably never pressured good lil Christian Alma for sex, which probably also leads him down a mental spiral after that first night with Jack. What does that say about him, that he was perfectly content with Alma not putting out, but that he did Jack with an angry enthusiasm the first chance he got? He might deny that it doesn't mean anything, but you know he lingers on it all the time.

Plus, I just think it's really cute that Jack is his first time. Jack, who he's been really drawn to since they first met. Jack, who probably became his first and only friend in life. Jack, who understood him in ways that Alma never could. I just really like the idea that Jack was the first person he ever had sex with, and the love that grew from there kept them coming back to each other over the next 20 years of their lives. How many people can say that they stayed loving the first person they ever had sex with that long? His relationship with Jack lasted longer than his own marriage, for Christ's sake.

Anyways... incoherent rambling over. I'm excited to see the results :3

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

I do hope that, in the future, I'll be able to better separate real people from imaginary people. Because I really don't like how it felt.

I remember the first time she helped me. Especially since it was quite recent. I started crying and pretty immediately held her hand. Almost like I knew her already. I tried apologizing for it. Since I knew it was weird and didn't make sense. But she didn't seem bothered by it. So I just kept holding her hand anyway.

Maybe I just seem lonely.

I remember the amount of times at homecoming, people would come up to me. Tell me to dance. Or make me dance with them. I just I just permanently look miserable now. But I really wasn't. I was enjoying myself for the most part. And was mostly trying not to worry about the girls feelings.

Or what might happen to me.

I really didn't want to tell her the night before. I was afraid she'd be upset with me. And she was.

She had told me a lot that she wanted to go to the dance. But was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to.

I didn't really want to go. But my dad thought it would be good if I did. Since I'd been avoiding hanging out with people still.

I'd seen her get upset before. And while it did kind of scare me. I let it slide since she wasn't upset with me. I'm not sure why I assumed that she would ever be, at the time. Maybe I'm just a bit airhead-ed.

I don't really get it.

Its not really that I didn't think she was real. But it felt more like a dream than real life when I was with her.

I stayed up all night responding to her. Trying to get her to see I wasn't going to the dance with other people. I just knew someone who was going.

NB (NBB) was going. And she had ran for princess but didn't win. I still shouldn't have told her.

I shouldn't have told her so much information about me and my life.

She was very rude to me the next day. I understood why

Especially since we were constantly misinterpreting each other

I don't like seeing my imaginary friends in other people. It always seems good at the time. Or at the very least not bad. But. I don't really like it.

It doesn't benefit me at all. And it usually does the opposite. And unless I can move past what i first saw them as. I just try not interact with them.

So I wish I didn't interact with you. I wish I would have just told you everything was okay the first time.

I have other people to rely on anyway.

I wish hadn't jumped so fast at the chance someone would listen to me.

Maybe it was because you were in person. And you wanted to help me. And you reminded me of Alama and Janiah. I didn't really ever feel like it really was them. But the similarities made it hard to see you normally.

I don't like that

If can't see you far enough beyond that. We really shouldn't be around each other at all.

I tried to find out what you were interested in. But you never really did share much.

You only seemed interested in helping me in return of friendship. But I guess that doesn't really work if I'll get scared of you sharing your feelings.

I wanted to be upset with you, but it didn't work.

When I told my parents and brother they were upset.

But I mostly felt disappointed in myself. I couldn't even express my feelings to you

I kept wishing I never met you. But it was a good thing I did. So that I never do this again.

I've done it before.

But it's never really resulted in much of a real friendship blooming

Now I know its not worth it

I was so scared of hurting you. And I was scared of you hurting me. But. That's no way to live or be in a friendship anyway.

I remember when I was afraid I'd forget about my imaginary friends. But I suppose it's harder than that. Especially if I don't want to. And they're everywhere.

It makes it harder seeing things labeled Cookie12 in my room. I barely know what to say.

I do know that. If I do this right it will go away. And I won't feel same way I do now.

There was a time this happened to me in 8th grade. With a guy. And that was how I created Jack-al basically.

But eventually I was able to make it to where. He no longer reminds me of Jack-al. I'm not afraid of hurting the real guys feelings or being around him anymore. And I don't stare at him

He doesn't bother me.

So. I could probably do it again.

I like when the sparkles and hearts around your head go away.

It means I just see you as a normal person now

And I can't be afraid of you

[kath-artic]

tyler stuff

idk. being the baby of the family made me become obsessed with the idea that when I got older i'd finally have the language to express everything I was feeling, to really truly connect with the people around me. I understood all of the conversations happening around me, I just wasn't old enough to have the lived experience to contribute anything meaningful. one day I would. one day I would have the perfect words. the thing I failed to account for was that time was moving for everyone else too. at that age, you don't fully appreciate the looming threat of death. you know what it is, but you don't really get that it's not just there for the old and the famous. maybe that's just me--my mom had kept me pretty sheltered growing up with regard to stuff like that. she was so afraid of me being taken away after the incident at the hospital. I didn't even know I was born with thc in my system until a few years ago and even then I had to wring the information out of extended family members and eavesdrop on conversations. I don't even think my mom knows that I know. stuff like that is why our relationship was always so strained--i felt like I wasn't allowed to go to anyone for help and I didn't understand why. That's beside the point though, the point is that I was 12 meeting someone who would quickly become my world. I admired him in every way and I couldn't wait until I was old enough to express that to him. until I was old enough to have those perfect words. I was 15 when my brother came running down the stairs, phone in hand, and just said that Tyler was gone. he'd overdosed on heroin and there was no brain activity. all at once I was confronted with the fact that i'd never be able to tell him those perfect words and that those words were right in front of me the whole time. I love you. his parents were deadbeats who never gave a fuck about him, but he was my brother. he was my brother and I never told him that. it was only a few months later that I got into my first relationship. I was spilling over the sides with "I love you"s for a man who did nothing but assault and belittle me because there was nowhere else for them to go. then my last real relationship--he was so afraid of loving me. so afraid of the expectation, that I might come to want him forever and that he wouldn't be able to live up to that. he was afraid that I'd want more of him than he could give, afraid of hurting me, afraid afraid afraid. he was the first person I ever had consensual sex with and I remember he almost didn't go through with it because he was afraid i'd feel used if we broke up in the future. we never made any future plans because he was afraid of committing to being together for any longer than the present moment. when we said I love you for the first time he told me he didn't think we should ever say it again because he was afraid that it would become an expectation and that i'd feel unloved if he ever forgot to say it. he was wonderful to me in so many ways, but I can't keep pretending that this didn't hurt me. when we broke up I remember pausing from crying to laugh and say "well you cant stop me from saying I love you now." I said it until it lost meaning, until my phone was nearly dead and he told me I should go inside and be near my friends.

i think i've always really liked the way David Lynch portrays evil as an extant thing partially because its how I feel about love. the love I felt for Tyler and for my exes still sits on the edge of my bed every night. the love I feel for the people I haven't even met yet is there too. the momentary love I feel in interactions with strangers is there too. it all wads up into this big ball of energy that I drag around everywhere I go like some kind of sisyphean boulder. I cant wait to see the next face it'll put on, but until then i'll continue sitting in bed whispering my "I love you"s to no one in particular

[thelazyecrivain]

Fluffbruary - Day 24 (Art)

Day twenty-four of @fluffbruary, using the prompt "art"

This is a sequel to His artwork written for the first day of fluffbruary!

Read on AO3

French Version

---

John enters the shop and is greeted by soft music, paintings of all styles hanging and posed everywhere. Two young people were talking behind the counter, stopping their conversation when they noticed him. The young woman stepped aside to let the young man do his work. 

"Hello, how can I help you?" 

"John Watson, I had made an appointment."

The young man searched his notebook in front of him before he came across his name and the time he had booked.

"It's for a portrait."

It wasn't a question but John nodded.

"It'll be with Nell." He explains, pointing to the person he was just talking to. Nell held out her hand and John shook it. 

"Hello, John. May I call you John?" Nell asked. She knows how to put people at ease, her easy smile and casual posture. Used to professional relationships, John struggled to answer her question but managed to return her friendly smile and answer. "Very good, John. I'm Nell, I'll be the artist who does your portrait." She said before accompanying him to a room at the back. The room is large, paintings but also decorations everywhere, the white floor mottled with paint, a blank canvas placed on an easel, and a seat in the middle of the room. "Before we begin, I would like to point out that I use the pronouns they and them. I would ask you to respect it. And what are yours?"

John looked at her, blinking, completely lost. The young wom-  person? understood his lack of understanding.

"Do you use she/her, he/him, they/them, or some other pronouns?"

John understood. "He. I use he/him." It's not every day he gets asked this kind of thing. John feels old in front of these young people and their new things. He's probably only ten years older than they are, but it feels so big now.

Nell smiles, "Great. I have a few more questions for you before we start." John wonders what their questions are, and they smile as they see the panic on his face. "Nothing incomprehensible, I promise." They laughed. "I just want to know why you want to do this portrait, in what context. If as a gift, to whom and why. If you have an idea of what you want to do, if you have a particular request. Something I absolutely must put in the painting. Tell me and I'll tell you if I can make it happen."

"Oh, um. It's for an anniversary. I've been with my... boyfriend for two years." He hesitated. It seemed so childish to say boyfriend. "My partner." They nodded. "We met in a museum, and I've been telling him ever since that he's my work of art." He said, blushing. Nell smiled tenderly. "So for our one year anniversary he gave me a painting of his. Our two-year anniversary is in a fortnight and I'd like to do the same."

"That's lovely, it's rare to get a gift like that."

John shrugs. "He kind of made it clear to me that's what he wanted."

"John Watson, you are the most beautiful piece of art."

"As I understand it, I have to have my portrait done for next year." 

"I hoped so." 

John smiled at the memory. 

"Do you have an idea, a wish for your portrait?" Nell asks, cutting him off in his reverie.

"Not really. I don't know much about art, I trust you."

Iel nods, then runs their eyes over the various settings, a look of concentration on their face. "Here's what I propose. A single background, no scenery. Just you on the painting. I'd like it to look like it was a spur of the moment shot, no posing. Nothing superficial."

John found it hard to imagine. He doesn't have a visual memory. Fortunately, Nell knows how to help him understand. They pull him to the middle of the room, in front of the easel, and sit him on a stool. They put him in profile, turning his face to the blank canvas and asking him to look away, not at a fixed point. He tries to follow their instructions and this seems to convince Nell as they nod, satisfied, and take out their phone to take a picture.

They showed him the picture and in the picture he looked serene, looking at something in the distance. It looks natural. John agreed wholeheartedly.

They set him up properly, told him to keep his coat on so that it would look like the picture was taken outside, and also to make his face stand out more easily with the dark colour of the clothing. Nell even had the idea of setting up a light above him to give a shiny effect on his blond hair.

"For the style of the painting, you asked for something realistic. What I'm proposing is that we keep this style, but that we can still see that it's a painting, that the brushstrokes look soft to the eye, almost smooth." Nell explains while showing him another painting in the same style.

John agrees, trusting them completely with this kind of choice. They are the professionals, not him. Nell told him that if he needed a break, to eat or drink, or if he started to cramp, he should not hesitate to ask, and they started to paint.

They talked from time to time, the other man - named Marvis - sometimes coming to see them, bringing things to Nell or John, talking to the doctor to distract him and make the time pass more quickly. He told them about his meeting with Sherlock, and they both gave an "awwww" in unison when he told them about the gift he had received the year before, showing a picture of the painting. He put it as a wallpaper, saving him the trouble of carrying the painting with him always

After five hours of painting, John is finally able to move, Nell promising to finish the details within a week and that it will be ready for their anniversary. John thanks them warmly and goes home, eager to give it to Sherlock.

***

"Sherlock?" Calls John as he walks into the flat. He's just spent eight hours nursing colds and coughs and all he wants is to spend the evening with his detective and celebrate their two years together.

"In the kitchen!"

John smiles, smelling the good aroma coming from the kitchen. He walks in to find the table set like a five-star restaurant, Sherlock at the stove with an apron around his waist, protecting his aubergine shirt. John's favourite.

John comes up behind Sherlock, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head against his shoulder. 

"Did you have a good day?"

John mumbled a reply, letting himself be rocked by the movements of his shoulder. Sherlock turned in his arms to face him.

"I was looking forward to going home." He said as he slid between Sherlock's legs to press himself against him. They were almost the same size this way. "But I didn't expect to find this," he gestured to the table and the small plates Sherlock had lovingly prepared, "and to see you in an apron. I think it suits you very well. It hugs your waist." He said suggestively, sliding his hands against the fabric to support his words. 

Sherlock smiles, "Should I keep it?" Sherlock teases. He knows John likes his shirt

" Certainly not, we can't see your shirt!" He slides his hands down his back, finding the knot and removing it. He keeps his eyes in Sherlock's, biting his bottom lip to stop himself from smiling. He can see Sherlock's eyes shining with mischief, letting him. 

No sooner does the knot come undone than Sherlock removes the apron and tosses it haphazardly behind John. John laughed as lips cut him off. John tightened his grip behind his back, hands encircling his face. Slowly they kissed and when John wanted to deepen the kiss, Sherlock pulled away. John wanted to wipe the grin from his lips.

"Later." Sherlock promised with a wink before pulling away from him. "You have to taste what I've done. I didn't spend three hours cooking for it to end up in tupperware at the bottom of the fridge."

John shook his head, unable to stop his smile from forming. He settled down and together they enjoyed the food.

It was after dessert that John stopped Sherlock with a hand on his arm when he wanted to start clearing away.

"I have a surprise for you." 

(continue after the cut)

Sherlock said nothing and watched him go off to his old room to get the gift. He widens his eyes when he comes back down with it, John having no doubt that he's already deduced what he's getting him. It's pretty obvious, and John isn't even disappointed that he's figured it out before he's even unwrapped it. 

"Did you really do it?" Sherlock breathes. He stands up, walking over to him.

John nods his head. "It took me a while to find an artist with a style I liked."

Sherlock says nothing and begins to unpack it without further ado. Two weeks after posing for Nell, John came to pick it up and didn't hide his amazement at the work the artist had added after their meeting. Sherlock shared this wonderment when he saw the painting.

John is depicted as they had discussed with Nell, a black background, all in a realistic style while showing that it is a painting. Exactly as they had concluded.

Sherlock stares at it for about thirty seconds, before balancing the painting against a chair and thanking John appropriately.

"It's beautiful." He sighs between kisses. "You're beautiful."

John can feel his cheeks turning pink. He slowly pulls him towards the bedroom and Sherlock gets the message.

"The table..."

"Tomorrow." John growled.

Sherlock didn't need to be told again and pushed John convincingly towards the bedroom when he abruptly cut off their kiss. It took John a while to regain his composure and he wanted to grab Sherlock to keep him against him as he left.

Sherlock took the painting, and brought it with him to the room. John understood what he wanted to do. He watched him set up the painting next to his own with a tender smile. When it was finished, Sherlock returned to his side, his arms around his waist, his head resting on his shoulder. 

"What are we doing next year?" John asks, trying to keep control of his body as Sherlock begins to kiss him on the neck.

"We could do a painting of the two of us." Says Sherlock in the crook of his ear, making John shudder. "Or..."

Sherlock didn't finish his sentence, and John, curious as to what he meant, turned in his arms, attacking his neck in turn. "Or?"

"What do you say we get out your military uniform again?" 

John steps away from him, seeing that Sherlock is serious. He flashes his most seductive smile. "It'll be your wedding present."

"We should get married soon, then. I can't wait to get my present."

John laughed and regained possession of his lips, both falling onto the bed as Sherlock hit the bed

"In return, I want a painting of you only with your dressing gown. Nothing else."

"Deal."

(tell me if you wish to be tagged !) @topsyturvy-turtely @missdeliadili @mxster-jocale

[likebreadandwine]

Glad it was worded respectfully enough to warrant such an informative response, lol. It's just one of those cases where another person's experience is so different from my own that I honestly can't help but inquire about it and compare notes, so to speak

The way you described flirting is particularly interesting because, on the one hand, I feel like that's an approach that a lot of us take on the internet. There's a general, mutual understanding that we're all going to be more openly flirty and teasing with each other in kink spaces than we otherwise may be in other contexts, with the added footnote that it probably won't go anywhere beyond that most of the time unless there's mutual interest and actual effort involved (some of us understanding/respecting that more/less than others). And, I think a lot of us do tend to enjoy 'performing' to varying degrees, enjoying "the audience's reaction", as you put it. It's fun to feel a little thrill yourself, but it's just as fun to know you've pushed someone else's buttons too

On the other hand, flirting is often understood as the lead-in to more intimate activities, be they sexual or sensual. Though, in my book, it's hard to find satisfaction in one without the other. Sexual intimacy works for me when there's an understanding that it's supported by sensual and emotional intimacy, otherwise it feels...cheap? Not that sex is cheap or that people who just wanna fuck are lesser creatures in any way, it's just rarely something that I crave on its own because it's not the only thing I crave (even when I'm browsing kinks, I almost always gravitate towards things where two people/characters are really into each other). Likewise, while sensual/emotional intimacy is incredibly important to me, I'm wired in such a way that having no sexual intimacy behind it would be like biting into a burger and finding out that it's only buns with nothing in between. Those buns could be some 10/10 bread, but it's just not a burger without everything in between

So, hearing that a lot of this sort of stays 'surface level' for you is certainly interesting. I'm sorry that the one situation you mentioned ended so poorly (especially since feelings are definitely a lot harder to understand and communicate at that age), but that example does beg the question, have you ever looked into what demisexuality entails and do you think you relate to it in any way?

you're totally spot on re: online kink talk/flirting. we're all a bit more open and teasing here than we might be in other contexts. the confidence I've built here has also translated to my encounters offline—I've become kind of a bold flirt lol.

it sounds like sexual, sensual, and emotional intimacy are all tied together for you, which makes sense! (excellent burger analogy.) they're not linked like that for me.

to address your question: I don't identify with demisexuality, because on those rare occasions I've felt some kind of physical attraction to someone, it was immediate. I felt it the day we met, not after developing an emotional bond.

I used to identify as grey-ace, and I think that label makes a lot of sense for me: I experience some kind of physical attraction, albeit rarely, and I'm clearly pretty involved in this sexual kink space, including actively teasing and encouraging folks. I would say I'm sex-neutral: I'm not really interested but I'm not repulsed either.

so why don't I use it anymore? well, that person I mentioned—that was the most I'd ever been attracted to someone. if we were in the same room, I wanted them to be touching me (and when they did touch me, it was like warmth spreading across my whole body and sparking fireworks under my skin). plus, I was totally in love. we shared hobbies and friends and interests, we had deep conversations, we had good banter. and I still had no interest in having sex with them. not even in fantasy did I want it.

which, to me, suggests I straightforwardly do not experience sexual attraction, and the fastest way to communicate that is just to say that I'm ace. are my feelings nuanced and complicated? totally. but a more specific label isn't going to capture those nuances.

[moondust-bard]

First off nice to meet you! Hi new mutual 👋 Your wips sound awesome and I'll definitely be tagging you in some games because I'd love to learn more about them :D

I see you're open to beta and sensitivity reads! I'm not quite ready for that yet but the second book in my paranormal fantasy duology has a recurring role that's actually a vampire who's visually impaired with albinism! (and queer but that's not explicitly stated or relevant)

I did some research and tried to avoid harmful stereotypes as much as possible, but I was wondering if you had any quick pointers of what I should absolutely avoid? Or vice versa, something you'd really like to see.

Hello, hi! I really enjoyed what I saw on your blog when I first rejoined the tumblr writing community. I’m excited to see more of your work.

First of all, thank you for asking! And thank you also for researching albinism and the harmful stereotypes we unfortunately encounter in media. If I can help bring about more positive, realistic representation of albinism and the spectrum of visual impairment in fiction by acting as a source of advice— well, honestly, I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me this since I started writing. Maybe even before that, really. My childhood was marred by not-great fictional examples of my disability, and those few that exist were used by others as faulty measurements of comparison. Baby Luna would've loved to see someone like herself in books and films who wasn’t a villain or a sympathy-inducer in one of those “disability inspiration” movies.

Speaking of, this brings me to my list of what I’d like to see— and not ever see again— in media. This list’s advice may or may not be relevant, depending on the vampire lore you’re using and the specifics of your— for lack of a better phrase—mythical humanoid world-building. If you'd prefer to share specific bits of relevant info privately— just in case my notes here aren't helpful or specific enough— please feel welcome to pop by in my private messages.

1. Demon comparisons are not well received by the albinism community. I’d love less “omg, red eyes? must be a demon!” energy aimed at us. If that’s a vampire trait in your story’s world, or otherwise plot-necessary, I'd probably support it if the character with albinism bites back with some sass or a teasing threat. The amount of times I’ve had religious weirdos and children freak out on me in public is in the double digits. I'm known to be pretty feisty in response to negative comments, and most of the people with albinism I've met either react with tolerant “in good faith” education or dry humor.

2. Albinism comes with some co-morbid conditions. For example, nystagmus— a condition many people with albinism possess— is rarely represented in media, and therefore not understood by the general population. I’d love to see it casually touched upon in a book or film. Some other related conditions and experiences include extreme photophobia, skin cancer, strabismus, poor vision, astigmatism, squinting, eye fatigue and migraines, and more I'm probably forgetting to mention.

3. Please, please, if you can help it, don't give the world another villain or evil henchman with albinism. I'm begging writers and filmmakers to stop. I can go into detail as to why this is detrimental to the albinism community if requested, but I'm trying to keep this post brief.

4. Not all blind people wear sunglasses, and those who do don't wear them 24/7. I personally only wear mine outside and if I've been under fluorescent lights for more than a few hours. Bright lights physically hurt after awhile. The whole “blind people always wear sunglasses” trope was popularized so that blind characters could be easily recognized as blind in tv and film.

5. We’re clumsy and confused a good portion of the time. Visual impairments plus possible depth perception issues and questionable ability to perceive light do not make for the most graceful of humans. We bump into stationary objects, stumble over uneven or unpredictable surfaces, fail to notice people right in front of us, and fumble with items we can't perceive. If I had a dollar for every time I've taken a doorknob into the hip, knocked over clear glasses, fallen into the street from the pavement, walked by my own mother in a store whilst searching for her, and almost gotten into the wrong car… I'd be able to actually afford to exist under capitalism, wow

I'm sure I'm forgetting some points, but alas my brain is mush and I've made you wait for my response to this question for much too long. Again, thank you for this considerate message and for taking the time to inquire about this topic. I really do appreciate the effort you've put into it. I'm always here to discuss disability, writing, and the intersection thereof.

[moderngroupieanonymous]

The Dangerous Game that is PDA

Confessions of a Modern Day Gr*upie: A Blurb

Description: This is a blurb, a non-chronological piece of my story that I think is relevant to share regarding PDA with someone in the public eye, someone in a band. It is the best and worst thing that can happen. . . especially in modern day.

Warnings: Alcohol, drugs, and PDA. Definitely a hard content warning for anyone under 18.

✯

Men typically have their own reasons to avoid PDA. I've personally never understood any of these reasons, always seeing them as ridiculous and wrote it off as a man being too insecure to show his love to his partner in public. I may be biased though, as physical touch is my love language. Being with someone in the public eye, however, definitely complicates things.

Being in public settings with him, I've always been respectful of an unspoken boundary that eyes would inevitably be on him, and if I were to draw attention to us, those eyes would then land on me. His band isn't yet a household name, but in the context of the right setting, the right age group, the right fandom circles, he is known. For a while, I had only the luxury of being with him freely in the context of semi private spaces of after parties, and spaces with just he and I. Until one time. . .

Until one time after a show, in a city unfamiliar to us, with enough alcohol in our systems to let our guards down, things changed. We were in an intimate group of guys from the band and the band who they were supporting at the time, along with a few of my friends. It was a local dive bar in the area that we did our best to keep under wraps. It was nearing the end of that leg of the tour and the guys really just wanted to celebrate. He and I were together, his hands never leaving my waist, toying with my skirt, speaking words only I can hear against my lips. Our heads were swimming from the alcohol, the weed, and whatever else the guys would run off here and there to do in the bathrooms. His guard was down, he felt comfortable enough with me to not hold back what he wanted to do in that moment. And in that moment all he wanted was me. To me, any moment with him was enough, but this wasn't something I had shared with him before, in a place so public. The Jameson coursing through my veins allowed me to lean into the feeling, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck as he spoke into my ear. It felt like we were the only two on earth. It was these moments that I wanted to live in forever. Until it ends.

And the moment quickly ended when I made eye contact over his shoulder with a girl I had seen at the show earlier, standing 5 feet from us. He felt my body stiffen in his arms as I looked around the bar to find a larger group of girls that began to circle our group with the guys. Word had gotten out where the band was.

From that point on, girls began approaching him here and there throughout the night, conveniently choosing to not acknowledge my presence. It didn't bother me though. I watched on, sipping the drink I held for him as he politely interacted with the fans who requested his attention. I loved watching him. He kept the interactions brief, knowing I was waiting ever so patiently to be back with him.

Did anything come of this night that got back to me? No. Have some of those girls seen me before but have been unable to place me? Absolutely. If you've ever spent some time with someone in the public eye, chances are, no matter how known or underground they may be at the time, someone somewhere is going to care enough to know exactly who you are. Because they care about the band.

I never really thought I'd experience something like this until the day it happened. A few months prior to this, I met a group of fans at a show in a really exciting city at a highly sought after venue. The kind rockstars dream of. My friends and I had made friends with the girls standing near us in the pit and we decided to exchange socials. Mind you, my Instagram is always set to private, and I'm usually super selective on who I accept for my own personal reasons. When I was typing in the girl next to me's handle in the search bar, I hear her friend gasp next to her. She shows me a picture from my profile of me and him together, hidden on one of the last photos of a scroll photo post. It was a candid picture my friend had captured of us after one of their shows at the venue. Sure, the picture was taken in a public space with others around, but the moment apparently appeared intimate enough for some to raise an eyebrow to.

"I've literally seen this photo before." She gushes to me.

"What?" I reply.

"Yeah. . . this picture of you and him, I've seen it before!"

Again, my profile? Private. There would've been no way the photo would've gotten out to anyone other than my followers if it were up to me. Did someone on my followers screenshot this? Was it circulating in groupchats? I'll honestly never know the answer. But it was in that moment when I realized one way or another that there may have been one or two or ... a few more eyes on me than I had expected.

For someone whose love language is physical touch, PDA is something we crave. Being seen in this light with someone in the public eye, however, complicates things. Especially in modern day.

✯

AN: Hi everyone! I have more writings in the works that go along with the actual timeline of my story, but I felt the need to put out this post as a blurb that goes along with the essence of being with guys in bands in modern times of social media, etc. Shit makes it more interesting! Hope you enjoyed this installation xx.

[daylander1000]

I don’t want to say that I disagree with the last anon (I don’t, i want that fluff too 😭) but I think what’s happening is very much in line with what we’ve seen of their relationship before in your fic. As kids, they kind of always verbally kept each other at arms’ length and even at such young ages (which wow. absolutely wild how the world had hurt them so young that walls started coming up at 8 and 9 years old) It’s understandable that at 16-18 they wouldn’t be the most talkative in that regards. I think Aemond’s POV (which their first meeting mostly was in) shows just how deeply insecure he really is, and how he truly held onto Rhaena as the only thing he could’ve ever really relied on to make him feel okay, while Rhaena, while I won’t say she’s completely moved on or anything, has understood and accepted change. To me, they seem like that whole “If I loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more.” or saving all the reverent stares and lovesick smiles for when the other looks away IDK sorry for rambling i just have so many thots

Lolol, no need to apologize. We all want the fluff. Sometimes I'm sitting writing and reminding myself "Hey, come on, keep this fun."

For me, it's not that she's moved on from their friendship but she's moved on from the idea of looking to Aemond (and his mum) to "rescue" her because she's at a point where she fully appreciates the danger and risk of being on the wrong side of her father.

While Aemond was studying the sword, she was getting a 7(?)-year post grad certificate in Daemyra Behavioral Psychology. She's seen firsthand how her mother, Harwin and Laenor's entire lives are disregarded and she doesn't want to be added to the jetsam/flotsam.

Aemond's still someone with a mother, a Criston, a grandfather, a granny dragon, older siblings in line to be the next king and queen... He was hurt and he's aware that he's on the expendable end of the Targ spectrum, but he's still protected in an enmeshed, 'circle the wagons' sort of way.

Rhaena's living the opposite of that enmeshed family dynamic. Estranged sister, dead mother, father was bad to begin with, worse now that he has his dream family, her grandfather is a Luke Stan, so she's in "Sinnerman, where you gonna run to?" mode.

Running to Aemond's wagon circle isn't a great idea cause that's not safe at all. Asking him to leave his wagon circle to ride out for her is 1,000% riskier. Hell, she's not even sure how circling the wagons are supposed to work because she's never had it done for her. She's seeing them do it around Luke tho, positioning hers and Baela's wagons to take the hits, so she's kind of like "fuck wagons in general. I'm going independent."

But of course to Aemond, that's like "Did she just totally reject the safest, most well organized wagon circle in all of Westeros? Is it because of that one single time I weak-linked it? Wtf do I do with this second wagon with your name on it? Sell it, like some kind of wagon-salesman to a pilgrim doing last minute wagon shopping???"

(he's left it a little late in the war game to start making allies and planning a power marriage with another family)

I mean, in the past and at this point, it's more of a proposal for her safety rather than a sign of any undying love, lol. And she's saying, "I'd rather take my chances with a non-prince who doesn't have a dragon who I've never even met before than you" so there's no way not to take that personally when he's out there training with Criston to work past his disability and make something of himself every way he knows how. That's worse than "I don't want to marry you." That's "you're incompetent/you're gonna get me killed/I don't trust you with my life or anything at all."

I actually had a happy reunion chapter written and drafted on AO3 just ready to be published. Real Swan Princess like, but I rewrote the entire thing to add some friction because they were hardly on the same page as children so it made sense for the gap to widen a bit.

Wasted time, but yeah.

I felt this version was a touch on the cruel side but I truly didn't mean it to be. Just wanted to emphasize that she's lost some of that easy friendliness and ability to communicate with people properly after getting out of her Shawshank sentence.

[jee4682]

1

Growing up i didn't really have the desire to transition, to look more feminine. I was adamant on finding a great, genuine love where he will accept me the way i am. How i look, how i talk, how i present myself. I believed that such love does exist, i just have to wait for it.

During my teenage years, i wasn't actively looking for love even though i was surrounded by couples and flings and romance all of the freakin time. I knew it is a different struggle for me to find something they easily have or acquire so ,i decided to wait for it. I decided to let it come to me because i had it in my mind that i was somehow special and that i have a lot of love to give so anyone who would choose me would just be downright lucky. I was confident of myself. I had a sky-rocketing self esteem. I was happy with myself and how i looked even though its far from society's standards when it comes to looking for partners. I was contented and at peace.

Now that i've seen and have been immersed in the reality of the world and how it revolves and how it works, i don't think a love so great is even possible. I didn't even think a great deal of self worth, self confidence and self esteem would be diminished by it's cruel reality. There is too much superficial basis on this world that not even a good personality, good sense of humor and empathy can overcome. It is a sad reality and there is nothing we can do to change it.

I only ever had one lover and that happened because yes, i settled. I felt like if i did't take this opportunity of love (was it really though?),i would lose it forever and that for people like me, it only comes once in a blue moon so i took it despite everything about him went against my personal standards. we had good moments but that always happens when we're alone. when other people are present, we just looked like friends and i went along with it cause i know I am or i will be the cause of his humuliation. I swallowed all of my principles just to feel loved and all i got was betrayal in the end.

Fast forward to one or two years later, i found myself on a dating app. Boo is it's name. For a while it was meh. Just shallow conversations that you know will never elevate into something real. Not until i met him, James (youbin lee). The initial talk felt very different than all the other people i talked to on the app. We bonded over life's miseries and picking up our little poisons (as we call alcohol) just to drown out the misery and the loneliness. The whole time we were talking felt so different and unexplainable. He understood what i was going through and i understood his stuff as well. We'd have moments of epiphany. The "oh, i never thought about it that way". He gave me perspective and honestly, hope. I found myself craving for the feeling i get when we talked and it was great for a while. We'd talk frequently and would not run out of things to say. I'd even drunk text him all the cringey thoughts in my head and he would just laught it off and find it adorable. I was madly inlove with this man. so much so that i associated a whole band, a whole genre of music to his memory and how he made me feel. Even my friends followed suit. Everytime we would listen to Wave to Earth, his name would somehow slither it's way to the moment and I was happy about it. I felt seen and understood. He knew about what i am from the start but he did't cared to clarify it because as per his words "he liked talking to me so much".

several months passed and all of a sudden he disappeared. Without any explaination without any warning. I waited, i sent him messages even though i know he wasn't going to respond. I was devastated, the only person that i felt who saw me and understood me suddenly disappeared.

[weirdraccoon]

Ok. Long rant for anyone bored or curious enough...

Long story short. I consider myself asexual and aromantic. Living in the aroace spectrum surrounded by all kinds of romantic and sexual marketing is tiring 😪 but anyway I didn't mind.

I was content.

All my "crushes" are platonic and I know it and I never actually try for anything! Like. Being in a relationship is exhausting! The attention the money the emotions... Not for me.

And so far until recently, I had thought "sexual attraction" was similar to aesthetic attraction or something cause I'd never felt it before and I've never enjoyed sex (tbh I don't really like people touching me but I guess I liked them enough to give it a try -with no good results).

So. I met this one person.

This one person is 90% my type.

Taller, older, smart, secure, fun, handsome...

We talked. A lot. Almost daily. Almost.

I was happy to just be friends, as I said, I usually keep my crushes platonic, telling myself nothing will ever happen and I don't want it to happen and that way nothing can not work.

Gods. This is stupid. Hah

Anyway. I'm already struggling with suicidal-thoughts 24/7, but like, I won't do anything. I have my lifeline in place and it looks sturdy enough. Works for me even if I'm not really fixing my mind. I tend to joke about this a lot. Part of my defense I guess even when not many people get them 😅

This one person got my jokes! Like they knew when I was struggling and gave me space or even cracked their own joke to help me or even by just being there it helped 😭

And then the day came when this one person confessed to have "a thing" for me.

This part is funny for me bc my mild autistic brain thought they meant a gift lol. Then I understood they meant they liked me. And I liked them!

You know, being aroace and super selective in general, how difficult is it for me to meet someone I like and like like???

And then there were plans to go out, hang out... I allowed them to touch and it actually felt nice!!?! Is that what sexual people feel? Cause then I kinda understand why they like it so much 😂

So. This one person who was attractive for me and whose personality was awesome and with whom I had a lot of chemistry exists.

And I feel butterflies.

Here's where you make a wish cause this has never happened and I don't think it will happen again 🥲

And then.

They had to go.

So this one person who I really really liked just vanished.

Well not exactly. But we heaven't talked in a little while. And I got so bad I went all self-destructive and shit and I know it's stupid but it just feels like... Like... Loss.

So I guess I'm grieving. And to top it all, there's one person I wished I could talk to. If only to make fun of myself or to get advice or to shake me back to my usual heartless self.

But my uncle died almost two years ago now and I miss him a lot.

And so. That's my spiral.

I didn't want to worry anyone with the last HL post where MC does the deed but this fandom, that character, helps me express in a roundabout indirect anonymous way.

Everyone and everything's been telling me to be patient, like maybe this one person will come back and we can go through things the right way, and my aroace ass will have the one person who confirmed we're part of the spectrum but not on the limit... Idk if I'm explaining myself well enough. I'm still spiraling if I'm honest...

But I'm here.

And I will be here.

As long as my lifeline lives.

Anyway. Thanks for reaching out to me! I'm just another stranger on the internet but believe me, you helped, and if you ever need help, I'm here.

[studywgabi]

My Story of Envy

In ninth grade, the worst possible life you could be living was to be steadily approaching your 15th birthday (mine was in January and hers was in March) and still never have been kissed. We would have preferred to be taken as prisoners of war and waterboarded. I'm 18 now. (No, that's the end of the paragraph.)

At the time, I thought of Rachel as this incredible, addictive echo chamber, the one and only person I had ever met who really understood me. Looking back, we had almost nothing in common. She was very, very religious, very smart, and had a completely opposite worldview and lifestyle to mine. We were friends because the way that we defined ourselves was so similar, because we hated all the same things about ourselves. Isn't it so great and disgusting that women can build an entire friendship on wishing our boobs were bigger?

This was during the 2020-2021 school year, when we were all desperate to escape our isolation. In any other time, I don't think we would've become friends.

I've always been obsessed with that idea of a ride-or-die, who you've seen through thick and thin, whose hair you hold back while she vomits Mike's Hard Lemonade at a frat party and whose dress you hold up while she pees at her wedding. And while Rachel and I were connecting very quickly, talking every day, learning everything about each other, confessing secrets like they were passing comments on the weather, we had only known each other for a year. I still can't understand why I thought I could will that kind of friendship into existence overnight.

I had felt her pulling away from me for a while, but I threw love at her like Coraline threw the Cat at her Other Mother's face. I thought if I ignored the feeling for long enough, it would give up and go home. I knew something had changed between us when I found out the boy we both had a desperate crush asked her out 3 weeks earlier.

He wasn't the love of my life, or anything. Mostly, I liked him to share something with her. Her type was cowboys (yes, really), so I guessed mine was, too. This boy looked at 21st-century Seattle and saw Gilded Age Louisiana. I mean, he unironically wore a huge cowboy hat and boots and a bolo tie to school everyday and called Rachel "ma'am." Something about a man in uniform, maybe?

I wasn't upset about losing him. I never had him, anyway. I was upset about losing her, because, for once in my life, I felt like I really belonged with someone, and I was under the impression she felt the same way. No rejection from any boy could ever hurt as much as a rejection from a friend.

Of course, there are so many going-on-15 girls who've never kissed anyone, but we didn't talk about it. I knew those girls existed, but I didn't know who they were. They weren't the loudest, most popular girls at my school, they weren't in my friend group, they weren't on Disney Channel or in Sara Shepard books. Rachel was the only girl I'd ever met who I thought was like me. We got along so well because we were both ugly.

Rachel wasn't ugly, though. She was definitely shy, and she had a growth spurt that the boys hadn't caught up to yet, but eventually they did, and that was it.

I'm not denying the importance of how self-esteem effects overall happiness and quality of life, especially in a teenage girl. What Rachel felt about herself was real and awful and painful, and I'm sorry that anyone has ever been made to feel that way. But in the end, she escaped. Not completely, of course. She is still going to have to live in a world that actively encourages self-loathing every second of every day for the rest of her life, but she can take comfort in the fact that what she feels about herself isn't actually true. She can know that it's no more than some see-through, half-hearted lie. She's someone who thinks she's ugly, and that's not easy, but she's not someone who has to go through life being ugly. She can think about other things besides her looks, because she's pretty. She can be absolutely certain that she will be loved. God, I want that more than anything. More than a sloppy kiss with someone who wears braces, even. I don't need to stop hating myself, but I want someone to disagree with me.

Rachel got to take off her metaphorical glasses, walk down the stairs in her new dress, and The Boy thought she was so beautiful, all he could say was, "wow." Meanwhile, I still have to be that 14-year-old girl four years later. And I still will be four years from now, and four years from then, and forever.

This was never meant to be who I was. I was never meant to leave middle school unkissed, I was supposed to be dating a ninth-grader in eight grade, and asked to senior prom as a freshman. I was supposed to throw sleepovers for all my friends and stay up all night gabbing (I hate that word) about our boyfriends.

And I just know that in 10 years, it's going to be 3:00 A.M. and I'll have work tomorrow but I'll have stayed up that late fighting against Prozac and trying to make myself come and eventually I'll give up, close AO3, and open up Facebook. I'll look her up and see that she went to Northwestern (ooh) and just got engaged to some guy who has his own business (makes jerking-off gesture) selling organic soy candles. Good for her, seriously. (Is jerking-off hyphenated?)

It wasn't that I didn't think she deserved to have that, or that I wanted to take it from her. I wanted her to have it, but I wanted it to be possible for me to have it, too. I wished I lived in a world where there was enough of it to go around. But if we did, she wouldn't even want it anymore. She wouldn't have felt so strongly about it, it wouldn't have even mattered to her. I guess it wouldn't have mattered to me, either. She is a wonderful person who deserves everything and more. I wish wasn't someone she feels lucky not to be.

I wish the best for Rachel. And I wish better than the worst for myself.