jee4682

[jee4682]

3

Almost 3 months progress.

I noticed that my boobs became a bit perky now

My skin became finer

My muscles esp on the arm became smaller.

[jee4682]

2

His disappearance took a huge toll on me. I was left thinking is it because i look the way i look? is it because i am the way i am? is it because i am not feminine enough or just not a real woman? my self esteem was lost, self confidence went out the window. I blamed myself. I blamed how i look. I blamed who i am. I was waking up with a hatred of myself.

during his disappearance, i was at my lowest and was desperately looking for some kind of distraction so i went on boo again. Found a great guy, Dan (ki Joon), made me think less of James. Made life lighter again, made me feel at ease. He gave me the attention and effort i didn't think I was worthy of. We bonded over music, our love for late night drives, our love for freedom and those special moments that you would remember forever. I was hooked. And for a while, he did made me feel like he can reciprocate my love. He told me "please be hung up on me instead. i wont ghost you ever" Which is true, he has not ghosted me once but in retrospec, i think i misunderstood what he was trying to say. I thought he meant be in love with me instead, i won't leave you and can reciprocate what you give but turns out he cant. Distance is a huge thing for him and he doesn't reallt want to commit into anything serious because of the stuff that he's dealing with. I mean he even told me he's not worthy of me but i had too low of a self esteem to even consider that.

I blamed myself yet again. I blamed how i look and how how im not a woman. I thought if i was to look like a woman, they would treat me and love me like a woman. So i decided to transition. I knew the risks that entails with my decision but i couldn't think of any other solution.

I know it is bad that I am not transitioning mainly for myself and that part of the reason why i'm transitionin is for the consideration of the other sex but right now, it's really hard to shift my perspective. The only thing that brings me joy and is keeping me going right now is my thinking of my transformation. I know i will happier after my transition. That doesn't go without saying that this journey does have greatest lows and probably greatest highs. For the past 3 months, all im feeling are the lows. Why it's not working fast enough, why am i born like this, why do i have to do this just to be loved. just heavy heavy thoughts and that is why i made this blog. To spill my emotions over cause most of the time, im overwhelmed and i do not have any other outlet for it.

[jee4682]

1

Growing up i didn't really have the desire to transition, to look more feminine. I was adamant on finding a great, genuine love where he will accept me the way i am. How i look, how i talk, how i present myself. I believed that such love does exist, i just have to wait for it.

During my teenage years, i wasn't actively looking for love even though i was surrounded by couples and flings and romance all of the freakin time. I knew it is a different struggle for me to find something they easily have or acquire so ,i decided to wait for it. I decided to let it come to me because i had it in my mind that i was somehow special and that i have a lot of love to give so anyone who would choose me would just be downright lucky. I was confident of myself. I had a sky-rocketing self esteem. I was happy with myself and how i looked even though its far from society's standards when it comes to looking for partners. I was contented and at peace.

Now that i've seen and have been immersed in the reality of the world and how it revolves and how it works, i don't think a love so great is even possible. I didn't even think a great deal of self worth, self confidence and self esteem would be diminished by it's cruel reality. There is too much superficial basis on this world that not even a good personality, good sense of humor and empathy can overcome. It is a sad reality and there is nothing we can do to change it.

I only ever had one lover and that happened because yes, i settled. I felt like if i did't take this opportunity of love (was it really though?),i would lose it forever and that for people like me, it only comes once in a blue moon so i took it despite everything about him went against my personal standards. we had good moments but that always happens when we're alone. when other people are present, we just looked like friends and i went along with it cause i know I am or i will be the cause of his humuliation. I swallowed all of my principles just to feel loved and all i got was betrayal in the end.

Fast forward to one or two years later, i found myself on a dating app. Boo is it's name. For a while it was meh. Just shallow conversations that you know will never elevate into something real. Not until i met him, James (youbin lee). The initial talk felt very different than all the other people i talked to on the app. We bonded over life's miseries and picking up our little poisons (as we call alcohol) just to drown out the misery and the loneliness. The whole time we were talking felt so different and unexplainable. He understood what i was going through and i understood his stuff as well. We'd have moments of epiphany. The "oh, i never thought about it that way". He gave me perspective and honestly, hope. I found myself craving for the feeling i get when we talked and it was great for a while. We'd talk frequently and would not run out of things to say. I'd even drunk text him all the cringey thoughts in my head and he would just laught it off and find it adorable. I was madly inlove with this man. so much so that i associated a whole band, a whole genre of music to his memory and how he made me feel. Even my friends followed suit. Everytime we would listen to Wave to Earth, his name would somehow slither it's way to the moment and I was happy about it. I felt seen and understood. He knew about what i am from the start but he did't cared to clarify it because as per his words "he liked talking to me so much".

several months passed and all of a sudden he disappeared. Without any explaination without any warning. I waited, i sent him messages even though i know he wasn't going to respond. I was devastated, the only person that i felt who saw me and understood me suddenly disappeared.