#what could i have missed. i kinda wish i could stop talking forever and then i wouldnt have to worry about it.

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[yelloworangesoda]

i don’t know. its like i dont have the words for anything. its so embarrassing oh am i ignoring you am i being an asshole. am i stupid did i fail english class. no its more like if everyone was given language skills they left me out of

[persephoneflouwers]

🤍.

[marvelwitchergilmore]

For A While...

Summary: Spencer Reid x Fe!Reader -> You were first introduced to Spencer through Emily, however, six years later, it seems some things are beginning to change.

Disclaimer: 16+ CM level violence. Descriptions of torture, death and stalking. This is part two. Part one can be accessed here. Fluff towards the end. Pining. Angst (kinda). Not proof read.

Five Months Later…

The last five months had been like agony for Spencer. 

He’s spent the last five months trying his best to figure out his feelings for you until one morning he walked into work, determined to look less like a complete confused mess as he had done for the last several days. 

His tie was still a little crooked, but his hair was neater than when he’d rolled out of bed, and his shirt wasn’t creased. And with a coffee in his hand, he was waking up a little faster than usual. Except, just as he stepped through the doors, he saw you by your desk. 

No-one was in the office yet. You’d been removing your scarf and coat, laying them on the back of your chair when he spotted you and the voice in his head said…

I love you.

He’d shocked himself. 

Of course, he had already known his feelings ran deep for you. But it was the first time the actual words had been spoken out loud, or in the very least, to himself. 

And it had been agony ever since. 

He was pretty sure he managed to hide it, though he doubted that the team didn’t at least have their suspicions. If Emily had figured it out with only a couple of days, the team had seen them both for months. 

However, Spencer was certain of one thing. 

He had it under control. 

Like he had told Emily, he didn’t want to lose you. And if that meant forever being your friend, living with a cage around his heart when he was with you that felt as if it was crushing his soul, he could happily live with that. 

Until, one day, Spencer wondered why he’d built the cage in the first place. Because as much as he was aware of the dangers both of your jobs posed, he never thought he could lose you because of that. 

The team had been flown to Oregon for a case. Four women had been killed in the town, all with a similar look, background and lifestyle. And the further you were looking into the case, it didn’t just seem to be in Oregon. The bodies trailed over the years across the country, and from what you could figure, the first had been in Virginia. 

However, the longer you all worked on the case, the more the nagging feeling in your gut grew. Something felt too familiar about the case. 

“We have to be missing something. We already know this guy stalks his victims, right. He knows what they do for work, he makes sure he knows what they’re doing at all times. He prays for the right moment when they're alone or they’re away from their general routine.” 

“If it was a bigger pattern you could say he’s picking them at random.”

“But I don’t think he is. I mean, look at how each of the victims are described.”

They were described as smart, happy, hard working. If they ever stepped out of their routine, it was because they had to. The first victim drove a little out of town because her usual restaurant she ordered from was shut. The second because she needed cabinet hinges. The third because she needed to stop for gas but there was a diversion on the road, sending her to another. 

The rest of the team continued talking but when Spencer looked over to you, you seemed…off. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go and get some coffee. You guys want some?”

“Sure, that’d be great.”

“Thanks.”

Spencer knew that look on your face a little too well. You needed space. Why, he didn’t know. But he also knew it was better not to follow you. 

Except, he couldn’t help but wish he could turn back the clock and do exactly that. 

An hour later, you still hadn’t returned. 

After twenty five minutes, they figured maybe there was a long cue. After thirty five, they figured maybe they had been changing the coffee filter just as you got there. 

When you didn’t pick up your phone after an hour…they got worried. 

So, sending Derek and Spencer to the coffee shop to try and find you, Hotch, JJ, Rossi and Blake stayed behind in case it was just that they were changing the filter and there was a long cue and your phone had died. 

Except, when Spencer and Derek returned half an hour later having searched up and down the block, in every cafe, coffee shop, convenience store and gas station, they all knew something was wrong. 

“She’s not any of them. The cashier said she hadn’t even come in today.”

“That’s not good.”

From the screen, Garcia popped up. 

“Guys, I’m getting a live feed. You’re gonna want to see this, though…I don’t know if you’ll want to.”

“What is it, Garcia?”

Garcia said nothing, but her face said it all. With a couple of clicks, the feed was up on the full screen and everyone in the police department was watching it. 

“How long have you had this Garcia?”

“The alert came in only a few moments before I called you, but according to the chat room, it’s been prepared for a couple of hours, but went live about forty minutes ago. I think you should also know, I was invited to this.”

“Invited?” JJ asked. 

“Believe me, I’ve had every corner that I know of, being monitored. But apparently this is a new one.”

Everyone looked a little closer to the screen, and eventually it got a little brighter. Most likely from a light on the further wall. 

And everyone’s hearts sank. 

It was you. 

You had a gash on your head, most likely where the unsub had hit you across the head. From the look on your face as you move your body ever so slightly, it wasn’t the only place on you that was wounded. 

The camera angles kept changing, offering a different view of the room, though there wasn’t much to see other than you, beaten and bloodied, zip tied and chained to a bolted down chair. 

Then someone came into shot. 

The unsub. 

He approached you slowly, bringing with him a damp cloth, gently pressing it to your head. 

“It’s okay. Take it easy.”

You forced your eyes open, but when you were met with the reality of who it was, your face turned into shock, fear, disgust and anger. 

You jerked back, unable to move any further than you had tried before. 

“Get the hell off me.”

“It’s okay, don’t be like that.”

The unsub spoke softly to you. 

“Get away from me. Get off me.”

“You don’t have to be like this.”

Then you spotted the camera. 

“You’re filming this?”

“I thought your friends might like to see it. See how safe you are.”

“Safe?!�� both yourself and Spencer asked. 

“Garcia, can you get a clear shot of the unsub?”

“No, sir. He hasn’t looked at the camera fully.”

“Then look into Y/l/n’s past. She knows him. Or, he knows her. Maybe they’ve crossed paths somewhere before.”

“Already on it, Sir.”

It would take a little longer for the team to realise your relationship to the unsub. And your connection to the victims. 

“I told you you’re safe with me, you don’t have to worry any more.”

“You kidnap me and tell me not to worry?!”

“I can take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Why take her though? Why follow her? It’s too risky.”

“Maybe it’s his endgame.” Spencer said out loud, the cogs turning over and over in his head. Then he moved towards the evidence board, rearranging things around where he’d written your name in a bubble. 

He needed to keep moving, proving to himself he was alive. Or else he might break more than he ever had. 

“How would you describe her?”

“Smart.” JJ began, following what Spencer was getting at. 

“Hard working.”

“A stickler for routine. She’s fixed. Doesn’t often change what she likes.”

More comparisons came out and Spencer had proven his point. 

“I’m wondering if he was her first victim. Or if she was his catalyst.”

Everyone turned back to the screen when they heard a loud strike. 

“It WAS me!”

It took you a moment before you rolled your head back up and looked from the camera to him. 

“It never was you, that was the whole point.”

“Only because you couldn’t see what I could offer you.” He pulled a chair harshly in front of you and sat down. The camera still had a clear shot of your face, but just the back of his head. 

“I saw you, a few years ago. Who was he?”

“Who was who?”

“That-that-that guy! The one you think you wanted! The one you thought could offer you everything!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

Another strike across the face. Then he grabbed you. 

“I saw how you looked at him. Like he was the whole world. Your whole world.”

“When even was-”

“Six years ago. I was coming out of a bar. Couple of buddies wanted me to go with them but I knew I had to find you. And I was stupid enough to think you’d be waiting for me. Instead, I found you with him. Standing outside your apartment. I didn’t wait around for the kiss.”

His name slipped from your mouth before you could stop yourself. 

“So, you remember him? You remember him? You remember him…” 

Of course you remember him. How could you not? You worked with him every single day. 

The unsub was growing more emotional. From accusatory to confusion to a sadness of acceptance. 

Then anger. 

“You remember him!? And all he had to do was walk you home?!” The unsub laughed before pausing and kicking the chair over, sending it flying into a wall. 

You jumped at his quickness and the loudness of the noises. 

“Do you know how long I have been trying to get your attention?! How long I have spent trying to show you that you have feelings for me? You might deny it, but we both know it’s true. It has been since we first met. I know you didn’t know, but I saw it in your eyes, in that kindness you showed me when no one else did. You volunteered to be my partner, remember?”

“For the…the forest run?”

“You do remember.”

The unsub got down on his knees in front of you, clutching at your jacket. 

“See, this just proves-”

“I volunteered because Sophia didn’t want to be left alone with you.”

“What?”

“I opted to take her place to make her feel safe.”

As you continued to explain, Hotch and Garcia tracked your phone numbers and social media posts until she found Sophia. 

“So you don’t feel safe with me, but you’ll feel safe with Spencer?”

“Please, don’t bring him into this.”

“Why not?”

The unsub sat back. “Why not? Go ahead, tell me. This wouldn’t happen to be the same Doctor Spencer Reid, would it?”

You tried to deny it, but no words came from your mouth. 

The unsub became deflated. 

“And let me guess, you have feelings for him…you…you even…love him. Why do I not measure up? Because I don’t work for the FBI? Because I’m not a Doctor? What is it that makes  him so much better that he earns your love?”

“Please, just-”

“It should be me! What can he give you that I can’t?”

Then he pushed the hair from your face and held it against your head, forcing you to look at him. 

“I could have given you everything. I still can. Just tell them you’re safe, and I’ll make sure nothing ever happens to you, ever again.”

“Please, don’t-”

He turned to stand behind you, forcing you to look directly into the camera where the team could see the trails left behind through the blood on your cheeks, where your tears had flooded through them. 

“TELL THEM!”

“Garcia, please tell me you have something.”

“Uh, maybe, I-I don’t know. I can’t be certain.”

“I’ll take what I can get, Garcia.”

“Well, I, uh-”

“Now, Garcia.” Spencer called out, his voice oddly even and a little cold. 

“Sophia said his name was Toby-something. But I’ve looked through her files, her socials. There isn’t a single Toby, or Tobias or even Tobe.”

“Can you get a picture of him?”

“I’ve got a few, I’m running them through my database now.”

“What about Emily?” JJ asked. Everyone looked at her. “She grew up with Emily, right? Maybe she’ll know something.”

Spencer was already on the phone. 

“Emily? Emily, listen to me. Was there anyone in Y/n’s past that she had trouble with? An ex boyfriend or something in college?”

“I- Reid, is everything okay?”

“Garcia will catch you up, but please. Was there anyone she talked about? Maybe a Toby-someone?”

Suddenly, Emily’s voice turned cold. “Reid, where is she?”

“Emily?”

“Back when she was in college, she was having trouble with a guy. Everyone called him Toby but his real name Jonathan. Toby was his middle name. He seemed fixated on her and one day, she found him in her apartment on campus. She called me and I got her out. After that, he seemed to disappear, but she always was weary.”

“Okay, send all the details you can to Garcia.”

“Already happening.”

All the team could do was wait and watch, hoping something would jump out at them to help find you. 

“Do you love him?”

“I need to hear it from you. Do you love him?”

He picked up a weapon of some kind. A knife maybe. 

“No, no, I can’t watch!” Garcia called out, turning her chair away. 

A backhanded slap came across your face, the edge of the knife, cutting your cheek. 

“Do. You. Love. Him?” Toby screamed louder. 

Garcia squealed a little, hearing his arm movement. But just when she expected you to scream in pain, anyone who was listening heard what you said next. 

“YES!” you screamed, fear of what was going to come next taking over. Maybe it would have been best to lie. But he wouldn’t have accepted it. And if he was going to kill you…

Toby faltered, looking down at you in heartbroken shock. 

“Yes, yes. I do. I love him. Please…please don’t hurt me…I-”

Toby dropped the knife, the sound clattering on the floor, and he stepped back. Even from behind, they could all see the changes in his body movement. 

From shock, heartbreak, to more shock to…anger. 

And fear flashed across your face. 

“No, no, no. Please. Toby- what-what are you doing?”

He was moving around the room, gathering things. 

“Toby, please. Please don’t-”

Then the screen went dark. 

“Garcia! Please tell me you have something!”

“Almost. Hold on. Wait.”

“We can’t-”

“The footage is still running. There’s no picture or sound, but it’s still running. Maybe if I can just- I’ve got her.”

“Garcia, send us the address.”

“Already done. Please bring her back safe.”

Toby had taken you forty minutes out of town, held up in a small town shed on a small plot of land he’d rented in cash, save for the electric bill that was in his name from a month earlier. Garcia couldn’t trace the address, but she could find the closest cell tower. And with a little cross reference, she found you. 

All the team could do was hope you were still alive by the time they got to you. 

It was agonising to listen to, but your screams let them know you were still alive. And when Morgan kicked down the door, Toby turned around you, holding your body against his front. 

He’d changed you from being tied down in the chair to being strung up by your wrists. By the looks of it, however, you had managed to fight back, presumably in the small window of time you did have. 

“Come any closer and I’ll kill her.”

“No you won’t, Toby.”

“Won’t I?!”

You whimpered a little as the blade pushed further into your skin. 

“You love her, don’t you? Don’t you want to see her happy?”

“She IS happy. She’s happy with me.”

“Really, Toby? Because I wouldn’t say she looks happy. I’d say she looks scared. Terrified, even.”

“No, no, no she’s not.”

“Morgan…”

“She loves me! She has to love me!”

“But she doesn’t. And do you really think this is how she’s going to fall in love with you? By forcing her into it?”

Toby changed. 

“Doctor Reid. Doctor Spencer Reid. This is him, isn’t it? This is the one that took you from me? Maybe once I’m done with you, maybe, maybe he’ll be next.”

“No…”

“Or you can choose me. Choose me and they don’t get hurt. Choose me and-”

You jumped at the sound. 

A gunshot. 

Everything went silent and then the knife clattered to the floor once more, soon followed by Toby’s body. 

For a moment, you heard JJ’s voice coming from Derek’s wire, and then everything came back into a blurry focus. 

“Is it over? Is-is he dead?”

Reid moved closer, checking his pulse before nodding to Morgan. 

“It’s over.”

“Thank god, please get these off me.”

Spencer was closer, taking his pocket knife out before cutting your binds, allowing you to stand fully on the floor once more. 

Your arms wrapped around Spencer both out of necessity, since your legs gave way for a moment, and out of need to hug someone, anyone, who wasn’t Toby. 

In his arms, Spencer could feel your entire body shaking. So he simply held you tighter. 

“Is-is it-are you sure it’s over?”

“It’s over. Let's get you out of here.”

Spencer helped you out of the shed before walking you over to the ambulance that was pulling up behind one of the SUVs. 

“P-please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you.”

And he did. 

Spencer stayed with you as they helped you into the ambulance and drove you to the hospital, he stayed with you as the doctors talked you through where they were taking you and what would happen and he was right there waiting for you, as you had asked, when you got out. 

And when they finally found you a room, he stayed by your side, holding your hand. 

Even hours later, you were still shaking with nerves and adrenaline. 

“Have you called Emily?” you asked after a few hours of silence. 

Spencer nodded. “She knows what happened. She’s also said she’s gonna catch the next flight out once they open the airports in London. Some storms closed the runways.”

You just nodded. 

“Hey Spencer?”

Spencer hummed. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For…for what happened. I-I don’t know how much you saw from the footage but Toby…I should have lied. I should have tried to keep your name-”

Spencer shot out of his seat and sat on your bed facing you, slowly taking the hand you used to squeeze your eyes shut from crying, into his. 

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s-”

“It’s okay. All I care about is that you’re safe. Emily…she already knew. She… a couple months ago, she talked to me about it…because she figured that was how I felt about you.”

“Spence, no, you don’t have to-”

“We can talk about it more, when you’re better, but I just…I need you to know, you’re not alone. And I don’t want you to be sorry for what you said. Because, even though I’m sorry for how it had to happen, I’m not sorry about what was said.”

“You…you’re not?”

Spencer shook his head, looking down at your hands in his, his thumb tracing a constant pattern over your knuckles. 

However, the familiar clicking of heels down the hall broke your intimate silence. 

“We’ll talk about it?”

You nodded.

Garcia was calling out your name before she found your room and took a look at you. 

“Oh, thank god.”

“Penelope,” you smiled. 

And Spencer smiled, too. For the first time in the last week, let alone the last twenty four hours, you smiled. Genuinely smiled.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t find you sooner. If I-”

“It’s okay. You still found me. I’m okay.”

“I’m never letting you out of my sight again. And Emily will be here soon so it won’t just be me, you’ll have both of us. Maybe we can live like the Golden Girls.”

You struggled to laugh, but laughed all the same. “I’d like that.”

“Good, because you don’t have a choice.”

“I’ll give you two some space to plan your move,” Spencer smiled. 

You smiled softly back at him as he slowly walked out of the room, but not before Penelope called his name. “Bring her back some jello! Orange, if they have it!”

Spencer nodded, however he didn’t need telling why orange. It was your favourite. 

“How do you know that’s my favourite?”

“Emily told me.”

You smiled. There had been a week back in middle school when all you could stomach was orange jello. You’d have thought that after being sick for a week, you’d never want to eat it again. But that never happened. 

The doctors kept you in hospital for the next couple of days whilst the rest of the team helped finish the last couple of cases at the police department. 

When you were finally cleared to fly, Hotch and Emily were the ones to help you with your things. 

Hotch explained what would happen when you all got back to the Bureau and what would happen with yourself and your job. 

“I know you’ll be itching to get back to work, but I want you to take some time off.”

“I will. I promise.”

By the time you got to the jet, you weren’t up in the air an hour before you excused yourself from Rossi’s story time to sit by the one person who brought you the most peace. 

“Mind if I sit here?”

Spencer smiled and shook his head, making space for you beside him on the sofa. 

“Do you want to sleep?”

“What are you reading?”

He showed you. 

“Wizard of Oz.”

“Want me to read it to you? Studies have shown it helps with sleep.”

“I’d like that.”

Within twenty minutes, you were fast asleep against Spencer’s chest. He’s turned himself so you could lean against him and see the small pictures that had been drawn, as he read. 

And thankfully, Rossi’s stories kept everyone distracted long enough for yourself and Spencer to not experience the embarrassment of getting caught in such a compromising position, considering you were both just meant to be friends.

A week later…

Yourself and Spencer had seen Emily off in the Airport, and after that, Spencer had driven you home. You’d stopped off for some chinese food on the way back, and even though you’d both had…half conversations about what you’d said in the hospital, neither of you had come right out and said, well, anything. 

Until you stopped in your tracks, forcing Spencer to do the same. 

“Is everything-”

“I feel I need to confess something.”

“Do you need a church or-”

“It’s not that kind of confession.” you turned to face Spencer fully. 

In two weeks time, you’d be going back to work. And you couldn’t take another two weeks, plus additional ones of whatever the awkward…thing was between you both. Like you each knew each other's secret, but didn’t know its full whereabouts. 

“I love you,” you told him, finally. “I know it seemed forced, but it was the truth nonetheless. I love you. I am in love with you and…I don’t know what to do about it. Because, first and foremost, you’re my friend. And no matter what, I don’t want to lose what we have. I love you, but most of all I like you. I like being around you. I like listening to you talk about different books and music and the fact that whales can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. I-”

“I love you, too.”

That forced you to stop. And Spencer could see your eyes searching for an explanation. 

“I don’t know how it happened. All I know is that one day I just…breathed for the first time. That I saw you and knew that if I stopped, I might die.”

“Sounds a little dramatic.”

Spencer laughed a little. “I guess it does. But it’s true. I’m in love with you. And I like you, too.”

You smiled. 

“You know, I had a crush on you for the longest time.”

“Really? How long?”

Part of it baffled Spencer that you had perhaps had feelings for him longer than he did you, but most of all it baffled him how he hadn’t noticed. 

“For a while…”

With a smile, you felt yourself leaning into Spencer. And he felt himself do the same thing until finally your lips met his. 

The kiss was gentle at first, but became a little more searing as his hand gently brushed the hair from your face to behind your ear, and pulled you a little closer. 

And you both just stood there for a while, pressed against each other, allowing each kiss to let you both know it was, in fact, very real. 

[silly-little-soul]

Shane accepting himself as a dad

A/N – “Little” thought dump I wrote at the hairdresser today, I'll probably continue it when I find the time

I haven't played sdv in forever cause I can't find the charger of my switch I miss it

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Fandom: Stardew Valley (Shane x gn!Reader/Farmer)

Summary: Thoughts on the lead-up to Shane and Jas moving in with you

Tags: established relationship, tbh reader appears like thrice maybe, some fluff, some angst, some reverse comfort, no beta we die like my activity

Warnings: Some talks about alcoholism and mental illness cause it's Shane, a shit lot of miscommunication, brief talk of Shane and Farmer having own kids, death mention

Note: It got too long so I didn't get to the part where reader/farmer would've been more prominent so this is very focused on the dynamic between Shane, Jas and Marnie

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Thinking about how in the game when you marry Shane he doesn't take Jas with him

I wish she could live on the farm with you, but let’s actually look at that scenario and Marnie's place in it

Shane is Jas’ official caretaker, but with how his mental health and alcohol consume used to be he definitely wasn’t able to fully take care of her, I’m guessing Marnie did most of that. Like Shane DOES really care for her and did what he could, it just wasn’t enough when he got worse. Simultaneously he saw Marnie care for her the way he wished he could've and it just seemed so effortless (it wasn’t, she was just grieving differently). It made him feel like he could retreat from his parental role, have Marnie take it and stop himself from pulling Jas down with him, he didn’t want to be selfish and put her well-being at risk just to be the one playing parent.

Honestly, he was probably right in that decision, he couldn’t have fully cared for a child.

But it’s different now, he’s better now, he’s ready.

He starts spending more time with her again, no longer feeling like he’s a risk to her, no longer being so ashamed. He takes on tasks like making lunch and bringing her to bed more often.

He doesn’t even notice it until Jas, Marnie or you point it out, might write a scenario for that at some point but let’s move on for now

Anyway, he realizes he’s taken the role of a parent for her. And then you give him the mermaid pendant, and he’s so happy that everything is slowly working out.

When he comes home and tells Marnie she is quick to pull him into a tight hug, she’s so happy he’s managing to really turn his life around.

Jas is so so excited, asking when they'll move to the farm

Shane wants to have her come right with him, he's talked to you about it and you were quick to tell him you'd be happy to have her, but he realizes he should really talk to Marnie about that first.

So they kinda just redirect her question.

Later though they sit together and talk about the upcoming change of Shane's living situation.

At Shane’s declaration of wanting to take Jas right with him, Marnie is hesitant and gently suggests that might not be the best idea.

Shane believes it’s because Jas has become a daughter to her, something he actively pushed to happen by making her take all responsibility for the little girl (and for him too, actually), and he figures he doesn’t really have the right to take Jas from her after she has been the one taking care of her for so long.

Except that isn’t the reason at all. Marnie has never seen herself as Jas’ mom. She loves Jas a lot of course and she’ll surely miss her a lot once she moves, but she has never not seen Shane as the one to be Jas’ new parent.

She wants this for both Shane and Jas, but she’s just so worried. She’s seen Shane at his worst and all that has lead up to it, seen him almost get better but then fail again more often than she’d like to have.

She’s honestly more worried about Shane than Jas. What if Shane takes on too much responsibility at once? His new role as a husband, the changes that come with living on the farm, and then he'll also be fully responsible for Jas? She's worried he'll end up feeling overwhelmed and get worse again. And then if Jas sees it this time, oh gosh... (Okay, maybe it is about Jas)

Now bear with me it's about to get a little confusing

Shane doesn't know that's the reason, Marnie doesn't tell him outright to not upset him.

So when she brings up the hint of “are you sure? She can stay here some longer too” he thinks it's because of her relationship with Jas and he's just like “yeah y'know maybe that works” because he doesn't want to take Jas from her after making Marnie take care of her so long, however she thinks it's because he really does think it'd be too much at once.

So they're like “okay good talk” and go their ways and while Marnie is like “okay cool I'll help some more till he feels able to care for her fully” Shane is knocking on your door having half a breakdown like “I fucked up I'll never get to take on the role of her father”

On a side note, he went to the farm and not the saloon, and both of you have a brief moment of gratitude for the fact so let's take a second to appreciate him for that too

Alright, he has been appreciated

But yeah, I kinda hc their communication isn't great in general. It's not for lack of trying (not anymore, it used to be a factor when Shane wasn't doing well) or something causing arguments, it's more so a thing where the two talk and then think everything is fine when they in reality have talked past each other so hard.

It's usually silly, small stuff like chores or something and resolved with a quick clarification and doesn't cause issues – except this time it did.

Anyway, he's at your doorstep, kinda having a breakdown.

You let him in of course, get him some water, gently tell him to calm down and tell you what happened.

His explanation is not very coherent, consisting mainly of him repeating how he fucked up, it might very well spiral into a full on panic attack.

Shane's not usually someone to panic but this is about Jas, who is the most important thing in the world to him, not to forget the only way he knew how to cope is kind of gone.

After a while he manages to explain what's going on more clearly, how he so badly wants to care for Jas the way he should have from the start, but he can't because he made mistakes he can't fix, how Marnie has taken that role and is entirely reasonable in wanting to keep it.

Then he breaks down again.

You don't really know what to do, he's in a terrible state, and what can you say? If the situation was truly how Shane presented it (which you assumed of course) there wouldn't really be much you could do to help.

You end up calling his therapist, he's against the idea at first but caves at your pleading look.

He's put you in situations in which you had to try help him with no idea how to before, hell he's made you fear for his life with this kind of bullshit before! He doesn't want you to go through that again.

In the beginning you sit with him, help explain to his therapist what happened, let Shane lay his head on your chest while talking to her.

When after a while he is much calmer you go make his favorite dinner, waiting for him to finish the phone call.

They make an appointment for Saturday and Shane hangs up, wordlessly coming over to you and letting himself fall into your arms. You have dinner and go to bed, deciding it's better for him to stay with you tonight, and maybe also the next few day. You'll figure out how to go on about this on Saturday.

Meanwhile Marnie has no idea about all of this and tells Jas about the decision (she thinks) they made, how Shane will move to the farm but needs some time to “settle in” as she calls it, and then Jas can move there too later on.

She's bummed about not getting to come along right away but is generally okay with the idea, not much bothered.

This whole misunderstanding is only really revealed when Jas and Shane cross parts the next time. This could be several days later, or the next one which I'm gonna go with.

Unfortunately for Shane, Jas was already planned to come to the farm that day to “help” (aka pet your animals) so she shows up there in the morning and it's. A bit awkward. Not that she'd notice, though.

Inevitably the topic of Shane moving to the farm comes up. It's in bypassing, it doesn't really matter how, but it causes even more chaos.

She says something about how she'll miss him when he moves to the farm, which feels like a punch in the gut to him, cause he doesn't even know she just means in the short while till he gets her over there too.

He tries not to let it show in front of her, it's not her fault, so he tries to play over his reaction by saying something along the lines of “I'll miss you too, but you and Marnie can come visit. If the farmer and me start a family you can come over and-”

And like damn. Not the best thing he could've said in that situation.

Cause up until just know she thought she was coming after him like a month or something later!

Jas' eyes fill with tears and she has such a look of betrayal on her face Shane doesn't even finish his sentence.

“You don't want me here?”

And he's just like fuck lol

In retrospect he doesn't actually know what Marnie told Jas and how she explained the decision to her. Thinking about it she probably didn't exactly go “Hey actually Shane used to be a good for nothing alcoholic so I decided I'm your mom”

But wait, does Jas want to stay with him on the farm?

Because yeah wait!! He did not consider that and how she feels about this.

Meanwhile Jas is now also a victim of the miscommunication between Marnie and Shane (aren't we all?)

Before Shane can think of something to say she's bolting, running back home.

You - who watched the interaction happen - and Shane go after her, coming to the ranch to find Jas crying in her bed with Marnie sitting next to her and trying to coax her into explaining what happened. When she sees you she moves away from her, figuring you two must have a better idea of what's going on.

Shane takes Marnie's place and asks Jas why she's crying.

She looks up at him with a heartbreaking expression and says “You said you'll start a family, but what about me?” (not rlly like that but I suck at dialogue)

And Shane is like “Marnie is your family”

I love him but.... shut up, Shane!!

That blow was so hard both you and Marnie could feel it!

In his defense, he realizes that was dumb as fuck like immediately after.

“I mean... fuck, she's been a mom for you so long, way more than I ever was, I can't just take you away now”

And Marnie stiffens cause like that's the moment it starts dawning on her something didn't go quite right in their earlier communication. And then you notice her reaction and it starts dawning on you as well and you kinda just look at each other like “oh shit”.

Which Shane and Jas are completely unaware of.

“She's not my mom! I don't want her to by my mom”

And Jas is honestly really irritated by Shane's interpretation of their family dynamic because yeah Marnie has taken care of her a long time and she's really close to her of course but she still never saw her as something other than her aunt, just like Marnie always considered Jas her niece.

“Why don't you want to be my dad?”

It's sort of a breaking point for all four of you.

For Shane it feels like in a matter of seconds he's reliving every moment since the day Jas' parents died. They chose him as the one who'd take in Jas if something happened to them. They could've decided on Marnie, but they didn't. In that moment he realizes that maybe his fear of this parental role he really did want to take not being rightfully his was never about Marnie to begin with.

At the same time, Marnie and you decide to finally intervene. She gently pulls him towards the door, telling him they have to talk, meanwhile you sit with Jas to comfort her.

You let her climb into your lap and hug her, just holding her and waiting for Marnie and Shane to finish talking, until she speaks up again quietly

“Do you not want me on the farm?”

And you're of course immediately telling her you do!! You want her there, you consider her family and she goes “I think Shane doesn't” and like no he does!! He's just stupid!

Except you don't say that to her of course cause don't say that to her.

Meanwhile Marnie is torn between hugging Shane because man he's apparently spent years thinking he has no place as her parent and scolding him cause how the fuck did he spend years thinking he has no place as her parent.

It ends up being the scolding (gently though, she does get where he was coming from).

She explains everything to him, from exactly how she feels about Jas to what she meant when she suggested to have Jas stay with her.

“You're her father now. Her parents chose for you to be and she did too. You're her dad, and nothing you or I do can change that”

And it's wild because he realizes he has always refused those titles. He always talked about his parental role or his role as a father, yeah, but he's never dared call himself her dad. But he is, isn't he?

They have a long talk and Shane learns his place in the family was never a question, while Marnie has her anxiety over Shane taking on too much at once calmed.

They settle on Jas staying at the ranch on weekdays and the farm on weekends for the first month, so he can settle and you can get used to having a child around all the time. After that she'll move to the farm entirely, with the promise to have her stay at Marnie's a bit if Shane ever feels like it's too much for him.

He goes back to Jas' room to explain everything to her and tell her she'll of course come along to his new life.

And when he opens then door he sees you sit with Jas – with his daughter - in your arms, petting her hair comfortingly and he's like yeah.

That's his family.

[aimedis]

redacted characters as things in my journal 🎀

relatively big tw - there's like vague to explicit mentions of su!cid3 and heavily implied mental self-esteem struggles in this one (i'm alright at the moment, promise) so if that's triggering to you, don't read. this is kinda heavy and maybe disturbing to read to some people i think.

i decided to do this because i though it was kinda fun and cool to like analyse my stuff and the characters a little bit. sorry if this offends anyone ig? idk 😭 i'll be back with the more lighthearted stuff in a couple days okay let's go ->

darlin: "my feelings aren't in my control most of the time. i don't know why i feel this way."

angel before they broke up with micheal: "i think is funny (but i also feel bad) that he's always talking about "getting married" and "forever" when i have a break up letter sitting in my notes."

freelancer: lyrics to "making the bed - olivia rodirgo"

darlin: "i don't wanna talk about him anymore."

damien: "i just want my mom. and i wish i could go up to her just bawling my fucking eyes out like i'm five-years-old without feeling like a fucking failure but i can't... i've survived long enough and i can do it some more."

darlin before sam: "and a part of me will always miss what once was or could have been. but i know they will never be long term, permanent, or reality. i wasn't created to have a happy ending... but i'm okay with this. it makes it easier to slip away and disappear."

cutie: i don't know what so say really. i just feel empty and alone often. i feel out of place. i feel like everything i do is humiliating or straight up wrong. i don't know what's wrong with me."

gavin: "try as i might, i still feel like i am not in my body. living vicariously... through myself?"

baabe: "i should know. my dad didn't want me enough to stay."

lasko: "man what a fucking baby. stop crying over shit that hasn't even happened."

damien before huxley: "i wish i was dead. do you think if [mom] knew she'd wish that too?" (knew that he was gay)

lovely: lyrics to "strangers - ethel cain"

darlin: "i hope it's not my fault when it's all over. i want one thing to not be my fault. but it probably will be."

angel: "why am i crying. again. over and over and over again. it's all i ever do. cry about this or cry about that."

milo post-inversion: "this hurts a lot more than i thought. the thought of feeling like this forever? it sucks."

freelancer: "fucking kill me. i can't breathe."

sam: "is it wrong to think i don't deserve this or that it's not my fault?"

lasko: "it feels like i'm always apologizing."

david: "it really hurts when i need to talk to [him] so bad but i can't."

huxley post-inversion/xavier's death: "is it just always going to feel like this? holy shit this hurts."

damien: "i'm sorry, mom, i'm sorry."

vincent: "the real me? i don't know who that is anymore."

angel: "one more or one less, nobody's worried. my tummy hurts."

darlin before sam: "i don't plan on feeling like this again. i don't plan on "being in love" ever again. as if i know what that feels like... it makes me feel like shit all the time."

cutie: "after this, i'll go back to being alone. like god intended."

asset: "it's kind of sad how i don't even feel like a person sometimes."

lovely: "every so often it hurts so much i think it's gonna rip me apart from the inside."

asher post-inversion: "and it's like, sometimes it straight up feels like i'm gonna die in that moment."

sweetheart: "my greatest sin to men was being a child."

damien: lyrics to "forwards beckon rebound - adrianne lenker"

[owlbeforesunrise]

I'll show you if you let me...

Pairing: Han Jisung x (AFAB) Reader Summary: You and your boyfriend haven't seen each other in a long time since he has been on tour so you try phone sex. Genre: Smut Au/Trope: smau Warning: Masturbation (f + m) Rating: Mature Word Count: 807 A/N: Why is was harder then some of my uni assignments. To all smut writers...you're doing God's work...Please be nice, it's my first smutty fanfic (:

It was a normal weekday and you had just come home from a long work day. You layed down on your bed, your muscles relaxing into the mattress, taking a deep breath. The smell of the bath bomb you used wafting through the air, relaxing you further. A constant vibration broke you out of your relaxation causing you to reach for your nightstand to grab your ringing phone. You glanced at the caller ID, a smile spreading across your face when you realised who it was.

“Hello.” A tired voice spoke on the other end. You shuffled up the bed to a seated position, your smile not leaving your face at the sound of his voice.

“I didn’t think you were gonna call me today. Didn’t you just land today”

“Well, yeah…but I missed you.” You could almost hear the pout in his voice.

“Yeah I missed you too but you should rest. You're performing tomorrow and you need all the energy you can get.” You didn’t want to get off the phone with Han. You hadn’t heard from him in almost two weeks because of your conflicting schedules. You missed him so much, you missed talking to him, laughing with him, holding him and more…Not only had you not spoken to Han in nearly two weeks but you hadn’t been with him in months and you missed him so much. Your mind would constantly wonder about those moments between you. The moments where you would have late nights watching your favourite show, the moments where you would cuddle up together on the colder winter night, the moments where your hands would wonder clothes hitting the floor as you found warmth from the skin to skin contact…God you missed him.

“I know…it’s just been forever since I’ve called and I just needed to hear your voice…” He said, his voice was slightly breathy.

“I missed you too…” Your face heated up slightly from his words. “I missed you a lot. I’ve been kinda thinking about you actually.”

“In what way…?”

“...In an intimate way.” I breathed out, embarrassed from the neediness evident in my voice.

“I wish I was there to help you” He whispered, his voice slightly gravely. It sent warmth through your body and a tightness in your abandon.

“Well…I mean you can always help me from there…” you hoped he would read between the lines of what you were saying. You and Han had never done anything like this over the phone but it had been so long since you had seen him, you were getting desperate. You shifted on the bed, feeling more fidgety the more you spoke to your boyfriend, the fluttering in your belly continuing. You lay a hand gently over your stomach, the feeling not stopping. “Maybe if you talk me through, it can feel like you're here.” You giggle nervously, not knowing how your boyfriend would respond but considering how hard he was breathing, you could guess what it was. Your hand lowered down your stomach to the band of your pants, warmth spreading through your body. You hear him sigh through the phone.

“Mmm, do you wanna touch yourself? Wanna make yourself feel good?”

“Yeah…” You let out a deep breath at the sound of his voice, shifting slightly. 

Okay, baby. Can you touch yourself, are you wet for me…” his voice lowering.

“Yes.” You sighed as you dipped your hand into your pants. 

“Good…does it feel good when you touch yourself.”  

“Mhm…” You bite your lip, slightly embarrassed by how good you felt. You felt your pulse quicken as you slowly caressed yourself. 

“You are doing so well for me sweetheart. Keep going, I love the pretty sounds you're making.” The more he spoke to you, the more your pace quickened. The more you keep going, you can clearly yourself, moans loudly falling out of your lips. You felt a familiar tightness in your stomach as you heard the low moans and whimpers coming on the other end of the line. The thought of Jiisung pleasuring himself with you hurdled you closer to the edge.

“Are you close, baby.” Jisung said, his breathing erratic.

“Yeah, I’m so close.” You could hear how high pitched your voice was, signaling how close you were, your toes curling from the pleasure.

“Okay…come with me baby.”  The sound of his voice and him stroking himself was what made the band snap, making you moan loudly.  As your body tensed, working your way through your high, you heard Jisung groan lowly telling you he came too. You slowly tried to catch your breath, a smile on your face.

“Are you still there?”

“Yeah…” you giggled. “I’m still here.” 

“Good…cause I need to come see you immediately so we can do that in person.” You laughed, causing him to laugh with you.

“Yeah…definitely…”

If you enjoyed this, please like and reblog ♡

[roseworth]

Any thoughts on Bart and Rose?

MANY

they make me so goddamn emotional. first of all bart being genuinely interested in being friends with her in a period of her life where she felt like no one really wanted her around.. like the titans kinda had to look after her and the older titans saw her as an unstable child that had to be taken care of (which is correct. but she didnt like that). but BART just looked at her and thought she was cool and wanted to hang out with her <3

and him saying "its not like that" is sooo sweet bc he really just wanted to be friends with her 😭 ge*ff made their relationship sorta romantic but its so sweet that he saw her and said "idk how i feel about her but i just know i want to hang out with her <3"

also my fav thing ever is that he sees her screaming at donna and crying and goes "this is the perfect time to make my move 😎" its so fucking funny because then the NEXT time he sees her he does the exact same thing. she watched her foster parents get murdered in front of her and bart goes "hey rose! its me your friend!" ily bart. but he just keeps running into her at the absolute lowest points in her life and trying to be friends. like baby shes about to kill herself this is not the time to hang out...

and then. GOD. HELLO. tt03 #12 makes me lose my fucking mind btw

sobbing because hes the ONLY PERSON that ever reached out to her during this era. hes the only person that recognized there was something wrong and tried to help her. he knew her!!! he thought she was lying to slade because he couldnt believe she would do that. GOD.

it drives me insane that so many people who shouldve done something to help her just. didnt. but i understand that sometimes the story has to happen and they couldnt do it. thats FINE its FINE

ooouuuuggaaagahguhhohuguhhoyhuguhhughggaghahhguhhuogouhghhggagghhguhuahgguhhohooouuauauhghggaagahhuhguhooouguhaggahghgh. im fine.

"rose was there. trying not to be like her dad. trying to be something else." ACK. OUCH. ok im fine.

then. titans of tomorrow 🤮

scraps of what could've been....... i assume geoff had an arc in mind where the titans take rose back (they were at least kinda hinting at it in some of the stories) and i so badly want to know what would've happened. i like the renegade arc but i wish we got a story with the titans taking her back :((( i dont trust jeff geohns with anything but... in my imagination it would've been a great story with bart coming to get her and convincing her to leave her dad

and im still refusing to acknowledge the rest of the titans of tomorrow arc because that story is so goddamn stupid and boring. but theyre married or something in it idk

BUT. BUT BUT BUT. heres where i get insane

because ouuughhhh they could be besties but they just. keep missing each other. right person wrong time but platonically because oughhhh they first met when rose's life was just completely destroyed. then they meet again when rose's life was destroyed AGAIN. then!!!!!!!! when rose meets the team its right after bart leaves and later dies

throwing up and crying bc after rose dies we get so much of rose's favorite trauma response of suppressing it and pretending she doesnt care then trying to fuck someone

someone that she considered a friend but hadnt been able to talk to in years dies and she says "LOL that funeral is so boring! haha bart meant nothing to me. im fine. stop talking about feelings and lets skinny dip right now. bart who" go off queen <3 she does not want to let herself feel any emotion so she represses it as hard as she can forever

(btw. i have complicated feelings about this bc as much as its in character for her to repress all her feelings with sexualizing herself,,,, ew. idk if this is johns or mckeever but its one of their faults and i know it because despite defining all the important aspects of her character theyre both so gross about her sometimes. men 👎 but thats a completely different rant)

ARRHCHHGGHFAHN.... THEN. titans of tomorrow (🤮) again

bart spent this entire story saying she was awful and trying to murder her (they divorced i guess. stupid ass storyline i dont care) shes still sad to lose him again. this is literally the only time she lets herself mourn him and its right after hes been trying to kill her. there is so much wrong with her <3 <3 <3

also as i was looking for that panel i saw this one and i think its so silly:

thats my girl!!! take no responsibility for anything ever and always find someone else to blame for your actions 💞 and bonus points for hating men !

anyways. then later the krul run happens and theyre both vaguely out of character but they FINALLY get to be friends again!!!!!! theyre buddies!!!!!!!!!!!! theyre hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

besties bullying a 12 year old together <3

also one of my favs because i know its supposed to be "haha barts being creepy to her XD isnt that so funny" but inside my head this moment is just bart getting so excited about being on a team with rose again that he refuses to let her miss any of the action. he grabs her hand and gets her into her costume and doesnt think anything of it because hes just so happy that he gets to hang out with his buddy <3 that wasnt the writers intention. but it is to me

if youre willing to exaggerate. they r so besties here. they are taking every opportunity to hang out because they finally get to be buddies :') we still get to see bart just genuinely liking her and once again he just thinks shes cool and wants to hang out with her <3333 theyre so much fun

and i cant keep looking for screenshots because reading the end of this book bums me out since the new52 happened and they couldnt finish any of the arcs they had planned. lili worth i miss you every day

anyways yeah to answer your question. i love bart & rose 👍 the way hes one of the only people that just. likes her. hes the first person (ish) that reaches out to her after her mom died when she was at a very low point in her life and he continues to just enjoy her company and like her as a person which doesnt happen a lot <///3 there are so few people that like her and want to spend time with her and just genuinely think shes a good person but bart always does!!!!! barring t*tans *f t*morrow bart always likes her and always thinks highly of her when no ones else does 💞💞💞 theyre so sweet and i want them to interact again

[fineghkst]

Too late (part II)

Once Rhysand invites Eris to the winter solstice, you got all the attention from the heir of the Autumn Court, making a jealous Azriel.

i almost gave up posting this bc idk if it’s good, but here it is 😖

warnings: a little angst and kinda suggestive at the end

if you find any mistakes please let me know!

part I

[masterlist]

No one knew where Azriel was.

He simply disappeared after the disaster during the winter solstice. All his clothes and weapons were left in his room, except the Truth Teller. Eveything was untouchable, exactly where he left it before leaving Velaris.

You could feel Rhysand and Feyre were trying to hide something from you. They told you not to worry, that Azriel would come back soon, but you didn’t believe them. You could sense they weren’t sure if Az would actually come back.

You couldn’t understand why the inner circle was acting so weird, even Cassian seemed to be more careful with his jokes when you were around. Like you could break if something wrong was said.

You two got closer over the years, especially after you started training with him during the mornings. You got used to being woken up by him, calling you lazy for still being in bed. Azriel's calm face became the first thing you saw as soon as you opened your eyes, with the shadows always prowling around him.

But now, as the Spymaster, no one would find him unless he wanted to.

During that week, which seemed to be the longest time of your life, Eris sent a lot of letters and gifts. At that point you received a hole collection of jewelry made from fire stone and an invitation to dinner with him at the Autumn Court. Still, you couldn’t feel excited to see Eris. So you ignored all the letters and left all the gifts abandoned under your bed.

The only thought in your mind my was Azriel.

Sometimes you felt like your heart was being crushed, and it hurt like someone’s pain was being added to yours.

You’re feeling miserable and didn’t understand why Azriel’s suddenly disappearance was affecting you that much. You two were only friends, that was all. Even if you felt a deeper feeling for him, you knew he would never like you that way.

When Eris started to give you attention, you saw a chance to get over Azriel. But even with all your efforts to love the male, your feeling for Az didn’t go away.

At some point, you started to have nightmares. You keep dreaming about Azriel being hurt by someone, Azriel being killed or simply never being found again, leaving you alone in this world forever.

Today you woke up scared, letting a cry of despair escape from your mouth. You still could see the image of your dream in your head, of Azriel’s lifeless body laying in a dark forest.

Panic still spread throughout your mind. The image refused to leave. You wanted to scream, you wish to go back in time and fix everything, to tell Azriel how you felt.

“(Y/n)?” The familiar voice said, making your heart beat faster.

Azriel was standing in front of your door with a worried look on his face. He walked in your direction with caution, like he was scared that you would disappear if any sudden movement was made.

“Az?” You asked, afraid that was just another dreams and you would woke up at any second just to find out he was still missing.

He sat on the edge of the bed.

“I heard you screaming” He asked with a low hoarse voice.

“I’m fine, it was just… a nightmare.”

“I understand.” Azriel looked at you, trying to find the right words to say next “I’m sorry to enter in your room like this, I just… I just thought you could be in danger.”

“It’s okay.” You wanted to get closer to him, to talk everything that was running your mind. “I was worried about you, why did you left like that? What happened at the winter solstice?”

The questions left your mouth before you could stop them.

Azriel’s shadows were dancing around him, slowly approaching your body, as if they were happy to finally see you again.

“I’m sorry for that as well” Azriel let a sigh left his mouth “I left because I’m a selfish bastard. I wish I could say I have a honorable reason for it, but I don’t. The truth is I left because I couldn’t see you near Eris anymore”

You tried to digest his words, finally starting to understand.

“Honestly, at that point I wasn’t giving a shit for Rhysand’s alliance with Eris. And I should, because he’s my friend, my brother and my High Lord.” He finally looked inside your eyes “But I can’t watch my mate with another male, especially him.”

The shock spread throughout your body.

Mate.

That’s what he said. You’re his mate.

“Azriel.” You said, breaking the distance and taking his hands with your own.

He felt a shiver go through his spine. The way you hold his scarred hands without hesitation, your eyes carried with affection. Even if they’ve caused only pain and suffering in the last few centuries for the others.

For the first time, he didn’t felt like a monster, like a villain of someone’s story. He could be the villain to a lot of people, but not to you. Azriel would never be able to hurt you.

“Let me finish first.” Azriel interrupted before you could say anything “I’m back because of you, to fight for you. I don’t want to believe it’s too late for us.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” You said “I’m so stupid, if I wasn’t so scared of telling you how I felt, none of that would’ve happened”

“How you felt?” He looked confused. “You have feelings for me?”

“How can the Spymaster be so oblivious of what is infront of your nose?” You said, laughing “Yes, I do have feelings for you, but I never thought you felt the same way. I was so blind that I didn’t even felt the bond.”

But it was there, filling your chest. Uniting your soul to Azriel’s. That’s why you felt so miserable in the last days, you could feel his despair echoing with yours through the bond, almost creating a sad melody.

“(Y/n)… please don’t tell me that I got into the biggest existencial crises of my life just because I was too scared to tell you about the bond. When I could have you long time ago.”

“Don’t feel bad, because I’m afraid we both did the same thing.” You said and he laugh.

Hesitant, he lift one of his hands and slightly caressed your face. His shadows touched your soft skin, moving around your arms, making you feel a tickle.

“You’re my mate, Azriel. And I’m only yours.” You finally said the words and he looked at you with a indecipherable expression. “I’ve always been yours. And you’re right, it’s not too late for us”

“(Y/n)” A groan left his mouth “Since the first time I put my eyes on you, you’ve conquered me in every possible way. I’m yours and you’re mine, and I won’t let anyone get in the middle.”

Azriel moved his hands to your neck and you instantly whimpered in anticipation. His eyes darkened when he heard it, and he finally broke the distance between you two, kissing you deeply. He quickly pushed you to his lap, trying to get you the closer he could, and put his hands into your waist.

“Time to claim what’s mine, love.” Azriel said with a lust in his eyes.

[mysticsublimeperson]

<< part 2 >>

Merlin woke up feeling cranky, he didn't exactly sleep. It resembled more to several disgusting and sweaty naps, and a lot of self deprecating introspection in between.

So Merlin decided to stop trying around 10 am, and moved to the sofa. He didn't have anything to do that day, they weren't waiting for him in the lab, nor in the office, they all thought he would have been too hangover. Funny.

He needed to get out, to get coffee, to try and look for a new perspective, or at least a solution, so he got up and dressed and went to open the door.

A sharp thud sounded when something collide to the ground.

"Arthur?"

"Shit, er... Merlin, sorry, good morning?" Arthur was trying to blink away the heaviness.

"Were you sleeping in my hallway?" Merlin was really confused now. Arthur had always been a bit of a prat, and he grew up rich (and still was very rich, even if he denied it) so he was posh. In all the years he knew him, Arthur had never volunteered himself to discomfort, because he could afford not to.

"Yeah, I.. Well, you told me to go, but then I thought that if I went then I would have to come back in a few hours, and well it was really early in the morning, and I didn't bring my car, so I would have to call for a car and then, well come back, and wold spend like a proper half hour just pacing around my flat, just so far away from you... guessed you also wouldn't be answering your phone, so waiting here seemed like the better option. But now that I say it out loud, it sounds kinda stalk-ish" He said sheepishly, his voice was still deep, and slow. Trying to recover from sleep. He stood up, but was supporting in the door frame. "It's just... you seemed really upset. I know I was the reason, but" he gulped "you are always for me when I'm like that..." Merlin sighed.

"Come in" Merlin talked with a controlled voice. He would have wished for a little more time to figure this out, but if he was honest maybe more time would have only made him more paranoid.

"I, er, yeah, thank you" It was extremely strange to hear Arthur so insecure, but Merlin needed to focus on his situation, and not fall into old habits. "How.. How did it go? Yesterday I mean, sorry I didn't ask sooner"

Bad, he wanted to say.

You ruined it, he wanted to shout.

I missed you, he wanted to cry.

"Fine, I guess" he didn't want to offer information, he sat in the sofa again.

Arthur gulped again and put on a tight smile. "I see" sitting beside him.

"And you? How was your dinner?" Merlin suddenly felt tired again, he didn't want to shout, or yell, he didn't want to incriminate or fight, he just wanted this situation to be over. "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

Arthur opened and closed his mouth several

"Merlin. I am so sorry" he said after a while. Without looking at him. "I know there's no excuse... and the way I treated you when you arrived here too... you didn't deserved that" his voices sounded tight.

If this had been any other day, Merlin would have folded, he would have told him that it was forgotten. Any other day, Merlin would have bitten the bullet of disappointment, and would have try to understand his point of view, his situation. Any other day...

"Arthur" he said after a long silence "I think it's time for us to rethink about what we want from this relationship" he could see the moment all the muscles in Arthur's body tensed up.

"What do you mean?" He sounded so scared, and Merlin fought the urge to hold him.

"What I mean Arthur it's that, this relationship can't go on like this forever" Merlin breathed slowly, trying to express himself as accurately as posible "I feel like im living on borrowed time with you, and even if you are the one in the wrong, I feel like I should just be grateful to have you a little longer, no matter how you much you may hurt me"

"That's not true Merlin, please, I would never intentionally hurt you. how can you think that? I love you" he finally looked Merlin in the eye. They were red and swollen, and a bit desperate.

"I know you love me Arthur, I believe you" he tried to swallow the knot in his throat "but sometimes that's just not enough" Merlin sat back at the sofa, looking at the ceiling. The same ceiling he had been looking since he arrived yesterday, thinking the same things, over and over. "I know you love me, and I love you, more than anything. But I also know that you would never invite me to a company dinner, you would never even acknowledge me in front of your coworkers, you would purposely hide me from your dad..."

"Merlin" Arthur said his name like a warning.

"Im not trying to be resentful Arthur" Merlin spat "they're just facts. Like the fact that you hate your job, and it makes you miserable. But you would never leave. Even if it's a shit job, at a horrible and inmoral company" he kept his tone neutral, he wanted to make a point "I would never ask you to leave, because a would never want to put you in a position where you would need to choose"

"Merlin" now his name sounded like a prayer, and a question.

"I think I always knew that I really never had a chance if you had to choose" suddenly his voice quivered.

"That's not..."

"Arthur please!" he really didn't want to hear empty promises, so he made a gesture for him to wait "I told you that yesterday was important, you knew that. And you choose him" he will not cry, no more "You ditched me, last minute. You left me alone even though I told you I Wanted you with me" his words bouncing on the walls.

"I didn't think..." Arthur was trembling a bit. And he looked like his world had been rocked and put upside-down.

"Arthur, you already have a life planed out. And you are the one that's choosing to keep it that way, you are going with the plan. And one day I will have to see how the papers and magazines cover the stories of you ascending to CEO of the world's most evil construction company, and marrying a young nice pretty girl, who is really boring and bratty but also insanely rich and has good connections, and have three beautiful very normal and healthy kids... all while I keep fighting with my little NGO to change the status quo that you reinforce. Don't you see that you don't have space for me in your future?" all the resolve to keep his cool abandoned him mid speech but at least he got it out. Arthur was looking at him like he had just told him that he only had a minute to live.

"I don't see a future without you Merlin" Arthur said, really softly, eyes shining with soon to be shed tears.

It hurt Merlin to hurt Arthur.

He never wanted to hurt Arthur.

Merlin brought up his legs and hugged his knees, hiding his face momentarily biting his lips hard, while blinking away the tears. "I love you Arthur, and I don't think I could leave you alone if I wanted to. But I think this relationship... it puts unfair expectations, for both of us" Merlin swallowed "It's not fair for me to expect something you are not ready, nor willing to give" he argued as calmly as he could. "I suppose we work better as friends"

He could see Arthur wanted to fight.

He also could see that Arthur had seen his point.

"What if...?" Arthur started, shaky. "What if I leave?" Merlin's brows furrowed confused. "My father, I mean. What If I leave him? What If I leave Pendragon Constructions? Everything... what if i..." he was starting to stammer and was not making sense. So Merlin took his hands.

"Why would you do that?" I was the genuine confusion in his expression that made Arthur sob.

"Because I love you Merlin!" he practically screamed with broken voice and desperate eyes. "please" begged silently.

"I think that if you do that. You'll resent me, eventually" he tried to reason while giving a reassuring squeeze to his hold "He is your father Arthur, you love him, and you want to make him proud, I understand that" even when he knew what it meant for himself "But you also are better than he could ever be" he assured "You won't ever lose me, I'll just need some space"

"I don't think I can do that" Arthur spoke carefully while caressing his hand "I don't know how to, I don't want to" he breathed trying to calm himself. "But I will try for you if you want me to" he swallowed "But don't misunderstand. I am not giving up on us. I won't" using his hold he pulled Merlin in for a hug. "I am sorry, I am sorry I disappointed you, I am sorry you felt like that, but above all I am sorry that you are right" he hugged him strongly and Merlin tried and failed nor to melt in his arms. "But this won't be the end Merlin, you are right for now. I will work, everyday, every moment to deserve you, to make you feel loved, to prove to you and to myself that I can become the man that you think I can be, and when that day arrives, Merlin I will sweep you off your feet" he talked those words like it was a threat, directly in his ear, while holding him close, so Merlin decided that just one last time, he would believe in him.

He would keep hoping.

[cakepoppresent]

Who's The New Kid?

Previous - Next

Transcript Under The Cut~

Xavier: You missed me?

Wayne: Yes! I thought we were gonna be in school on the first day together

Xavier: hahaha I only missed 2 days! I'm here now

Wayne: Why were you late anyways

Xavier: My mom got me a quick job I had to finish. The timings overlapped but I begged my mom to let me do it

Wayne: What was the work for? Are you going to be on TV?

Xavier: It was for Vans! My billboard should be up in a few weeks. At least that's why my mom said

Wayne: It was so boring without you. The Kids here aren't as fun as you

Xavier: I doubt that there must be cooler kids here than me

Wayne: No! I mean it! They are all so boring. They don't joke around like you do

Xavier: hahaha you're right. I'm really one-of-a-kind

Xavier: Well you don't have to worry I'm here now! My mom said no more work until winter break

Wayne: Really?

Xavier: Yeah! So we can hang out at my place and play video games after school

Wayne: What about our homework

Xaiver: Come on dude! Why bring up something so boring? We'll do it after we play videos, my bother got 2k24

Wayne: But I've always sucked at video games. I don't think I'll be fun to play with

Xavier: Don't worry I'll teach you

Xavier: Forget about all that other stuff. Are we all in the same classes this year?

Wayne: Yes! I asked my dad to make sure it happened

Xavier: That's great! We've been a team all summers it would suck if we got split up

Wayne: I told my dad if he didn't do it I would never talk to him again

Wayne: He looked so scared then my mom told him to stop acting like a baby

Xavier: I wished my dad was like that! He could be so stern! I'm only here because my mom said yes. If not I would be back in Windenburg

Wayne: I'm happy she said yes! I think I would die of boredom without you

Carter: Whose the new kid beside Wayne?

Izan: That's Xavier Reeves. His mom is that famous actress married to some rich dude. My dad told me but I forgot. He said we should try and be friends with him

Carter: What the hell? When did the new kid get so close to Wayne?

Izan: I don't know but XAviers social bunny is public and I think they spent the summer together in The Bay

Carter: That's so unfair! We've been trying to be friends with Wayne since forever!

Carter: Hmm..Let's try talking to Wayne again. Maybe he'll be less uptight

Izan: I dunno Wayne is kinda sensitive. What if we spook him again?

Carter: If he can be friends with some no-name loser. I'm sure he won't mind us trying to be friends either!

Izan: I dunno man but if you say so. I just wanna be friends with Wanye...he's cute

[ya-what--ya-erster]

Goodbye Don't Last Forever

Javey. Kind of funny ngl. Enjoy.

David Jacobs was eighteen and newly graduated when his girlfriend, Francis Sullivan, left for Santa Fe, leaving no goodbye and no way to contact her.

David went crazy when she left. He loved her and she left without a word to him. He made some stupid (but not too regrettable) decisions in the time after. Dyed his dirty blonde hair a dark shade of brown. Started wearing his glasses again. Went outside only when required (as in almost never). Stopped talking to many of his friends.

Only two of the habits died, and fortunately it was those last two. He found himself to be pretty fine within a few months of her being gone.

Six years later, David Jacobs was 24 years old and getting a new roommate.

"Hi, are you David?" A confident voice came from behind him.

He turned to face- woah he's hot- the person asking the question.

"Yeah, yes, that's me. David Jacobs. Hi."

The man smiled and held out a hand to shake.

"Jack Kelly."

Those eyes... that handshake. So familiar. But the familiarity was out of reach in David's mind.

So he stood up a little straighter, smiled back, and said, "Nice to meet you in person finally. I mean I trusted Albert enough to not find me a serial killer roommate but... I feel very assured now, haha..."

"I won't kill ya, Davey."

Davey...

"Good to know. Same here. Do you need help taking anything up?"

Jack shook his head. "All I's got is this." He nodded to a moderately sized suitcase that he was gripping.

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't-"

"It's nothing, Dave. I just had to leave kinda quickly and didn't have much anyways."

"Well, uh. Let me uh... I guess, follow me?"

...

David was down bad for his roommate. And, down bad as in like, Taylor Swift "if I can't have him/I might just die it would make no difference."

Something about him, Jack, felt so familiar in all the most wonderful ways. His smile was a smile David felt like he had seen dozens of times.

David wanted to know why. He wanted to know why this boy felt so natural in the environment. Why he seemed to be the missing piece in David's life.

He was going to find out.

Not today though, he decided, when Jack entered the apartment looking like he was about to burst into tears.

"Hey, are you okay?" David asked slowly.

Jack nodded stiffly, putting his head down and throwing his bag and coat to the floor.

"Jack, you look sad."

"I'm fine."

"Jack."

"I ain't- you don't gotta be all in my business." Jack was heading to his tiny bedroom, so David grabbed his arm to stop him.

"You can tell me, you know?"

Jack leaned forward, hugging David, beginning to cry.

"Woah, hey. Hey, it's alright, let it out..." David wished Jack would hug him more often, and not while crying.

Jack continued to cry for maybe three minutes, David didn't know exactly. What David did know is that when Jack made eye contact with him, he looked like he had done something horrible.

"I ain't a real boy, Dave."

David's heart could have shattered just then, hearing Jack sound so broken.

"What do you mean, you aren't a real boy?"

"I wasn't- I'm not- I am a boy. I know and promise that I am but I just- wasn't born that way and I feel like a fraud and I get sad sometimes."

"That's okay to be sad, Jack. But you're a boy, I know you are. If you say you're a boy, you're a boy. No, how old are you?"

"Twenty-four."

"Okay, Jack Kelly, you are no boy, you're a freakin' man."

Jack smiled a little, wiping his eyes dry.

"Thank ya, Davey."

...

David was having none of this "stay up until 3 AM painting" bullshit.

"Jack Kelly, you will start going to bed at a decent time or so help me-"

"I'm fine, Dave!" Jack defended himself.

"You drank four coffees today and three energy drinks. I don't even know how you're still alive!"

"Fine, fine. I will be in bed no later than midnight."

"Is that the best I'm gonna get?"

"Yup."

David sighed, deciding to give in.

"At least show me what you've been working on into the ungodly hours of the night?"

"Maybe someday." Jack smiled mysteriously and disappeared once again into his room.

David was not staring at his fine ass as he retreated. He wasn't.

...

"Davey, do you got any food?"

David was regretting getting a roommate but also enjoyed having someone around. He didn't appreciate having to buy random shit every other week because Jack had a craving and pretty much no money. (He spent his money on rent and art supplies, which David didn't mind because his apartment was cheaper and Jack's art was amazing.)

"We have fruit snacks and spaghetti-o's if that qualifies as food. We might also have a banana."

Jack strolled into the kitchen area after David's previous statement and pulled out a packet of fruit snacks, a can of spaghetti-o's, and the blender.

"What the fuck are you doing?" David asked, shocked and amused all at once.

"I'm making me some dinner, you want some?"

"Jack, there is no way in Hell you are going to eat- drink spaghetti-o's and fruit snacks put through the blender. It's gonna be terrible."

"Actually, no it isn't. My old friend dared me to do it and it actually tastes good."

David had a brief memory flash through his mind.

"Francis! I dare you to put the two most different things you can think of in the blender and then drink it." Race shouted.

"Okay, I'll do it." Francis smiled that daredevil smile of hers and got started. Spaghetti-o's and fruit snacks.

When it was complete, Francis took a long drink.

"Wow. That's actually not terrible."

"Davey, you good?"

David nodded. "Sorry, just. You just reminded me of something."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Ex-girlfriend."

"Thought you said you're gay?"

"She kind of helped me out on discovering that."

"Well. That's nice of her. How so?"

"Uh. It's a long story."

"I bet I can handle it. Besides, I have an abomination to drink. I'll listen."

"Oh. Okay. Well. Basically, she decided she was going to Santa Fe and wasn't going to, you know, say goodbye to me or anyone. And I spent a long time angry and then realized I didn't really miss her romantically at all and just was pissed, and then me and my friend Albert accidentally fucked when we were drunk and I was like 'wow that's allowed?' and anyways uh Al and I aren't and weren't interested in each other at all, we were just drunk like I said, but then it all made sense why I wasn't like, sad over the 'love of my life' leaving because it was just a high school girlfriend and I'm not even into girls. So I'm not even mad at her anymore really I'm just gay and confused and I've talked a lot now sorry."

David looked up at Jack for a reaction. He was wearing this face... David could not name the emotion.

"What was her name?"

Huh. Weird question.

"Why?"

"Well, I was just wonderin' if maybe I met her, since I's come here from Santa Fe and all."

"Oh. Yeah, uh. Her name's Francis Sullivan."

"Have a picture?"

"Yeah, one sec." David scrolled through his phone's camera roll until he found her. "Here."

The picture made Jack frown, and David kind of would have done anything to make him smile again.

"You know her?" David asked.

"Yeah, uh. I knew her."

David's heart sped up.

"Really? Is she doing okay? Is she alright? Do you know where she lives, cause I might need to go-"

"Davey. Stop."

"What?"

"You can't exactly go visit her."

"Why not?"

Jack seemed to be looking inside himself instead of at David when he spoke.

"She was... the real depressed type, Dave. Always sad. She never smiled, I don't think. She was in a real bad state of mind."

"What're you-"

"She ain't alive no more."

Everything stopped in David's head.

"What?"

"I'm real sorry, Dave. She just ain't... But I'm here."

"What's that supposed to mean? 'You're here?'"

Jack hesitated before opening his mouth. "She didn't exactly... die the way you're thinking. She, uh. She just... more... changed? She ain't Francis anymore. She cut her hair and went on T and got top surgery and goes by a boy's name now, and he/him. So, uh, tellin' ya she died was probably not the brightest idea but that was an in-the-moment decision."

"Good for him. What does that have to do with you being here?"

Jack made absolute eye contact with David, wondering how he could be so fucking stupid, and held it. Held it as he crossed the room and held it up until the moment he pulled David into a hug.

"I'm sorry for leavin' you. I just had ta get away."

David jerked away from Jack in a quick movement.

"You? You're... You- I can't-" David's brain was moving too quickly and all he could think to do was punch Jack in the face as hard as humanly possible.

Which he did.

"Son of a bitch- Dave! I only told ya cause I thought you said ya weren't mad anymore!"

"Yeah, well. Now I am, asshole. You... You deep friend burnt-ass dino nugget dickhead. You absolute.... I can't even. How dare you? I fucking loved you, yes even if I'm gay now, and you, you just ran the fuck off and never bothered contacting me for six years. I would have understood if you needed to leave, needed to leave me, needed... whatever. I would have given you your space. I hate you."

Jack looked hurt. It made David feel good. All that pain he went through and it was being passed on.

"Davey-"

"David."

"Right, sorry. David. I'm really sorry. I don't- I never meant ta hurt you. To be honest, I thought you'd be glad if I left and never came back."

David felt less good.

"I just- I wanted to feel like I could be free. It didn't really... go as planned. Because I just realized I wanted to come back. Mostly for you."

David didn't stop to think. David just kissed Jack like he was hungry for it.

"I fucking hate you." He said, pulling away.

"No you don't."

"Don't test your luck."

A small moment of touching silence passed.

"So..." Jack started. "You slept with Al?"

"Now I actually do hate you. Get out, I'm calling him. Maybe he'll be nice to me."

"Davey... I love you. I always did."

"I'm... good to know. I can't- I'm still mad, bitch."

Jack just laughed, and he knew right then that it would all be fine.

A/N: hope y'all liked it :) It'll be on ao3 asap

[eunchancorner]

Painful Truth (Blended AU)

I decided to make a little thing for my blended aus, a kinda explanation of how Cyborg and Toppat Charles happened

-

Hello? Is anyone there…? Why is it so dark…? I can’t feel anything… I can’t see anything… Where’s the general? Where’s the twins? Where’s my squad? Where am I…?

“Hello? Charles? Are you awake?”

Wait… That’s not the general… If he’s here, then…

“Hen…ry…?”

“Yes, yes it’s me! Oh my god, you are awake! Oh thank god, I thought we were too late!”

“You… fuckhead… where… am I…?”

“You’re in the infirmary, you got hurt really bad out there. Your little fuckfaced comrads decided you weren’t gonna make it, but I had faith in you!”

What does he mean, ‘Decided I wasn’t gonna make it?’

“Can’t… open… my eyes…”

“Yeah, it’s a miracle you can talk right now, honestly. Oh, and you’re gonna wanna start saying ‘eye’ instead of eyes. You, uh, lost a bit more than consciousness in that blast, heh…”

“What…?”

“You’ll see when we let you up. We figured letting you off the anesthetics all at once might end with you starting a shootout, and that’s not exactly ideal on a space station, y’know? Don’t want someone flying out into the vacuum of space!”

“Let… me up… so I can… kick your ass…”

“Not right now, no, we still need to work on some enhancements for you, and, y’know, make sure you won’t try to kill us all. I’ve… I’ve missed you. This is gonna sound so cheesy, but I’ve thought about you a lot since I took over. I missed your voice the most, I think but… Y’know, no, I missed everything.”

“You… knew me… for 30 minutes…”

“I’ve… I’ve known you a lot longer than that. I’ve known you for lifetimes. I’ve known deaths, mine and yours, and they broke me… I’ve known lives that we’ve lived together forever. I had always hoped this could be one… Maybe we’ll never be together together, but at least you’re here! You’ll like it here, I swear, I can make you the head of my aerial assault unit, I can arm you, I can make you the most powerful pilot the world has ever seen, and here, you can do whatever you want, without the confines of international law to stop you! Doesn’t that sound amazing, Charles?”

“Fucking kill me…”

“Well at least you’re still speaking… Please? The government thinks you’re dead, and, well, we have someone here who can help you get used to the work we’re gonna have to do on you.”

“... what?”

“Yeah, when the other soldiers were retreating, they just… kinda left you. I heard one of them say ‘Don’t bother, he’s dead already’... I… I wish I could say they even looked back. I know how much they meant to you. It was… it was fucked up.”

“You’re… you’re a fucking liar… they wouldn’t do that… they’re not like you…”

“No. No they’re not… Because we don’t even leave dead members behind.”

[porcelainbirdss]

those summer nights ⋆·˚ ༘ * kuroo tetsurou

kuroo tetsurou x f!reader

content warning: overall emotional chaos, health issues, chapter is kinda long-ish

ch. three - "beelines." ↓

third of july, 1991.

a blur. that’s the word kuroo could use to describe his day so far. he doesn’t remember when he got up- maybe around 5am. from what the man deduced, he overall got about two hours of sleep. which wasn’t a tragedy of course, but it kind of crushed his hopes for a quick progress.

his brain was too occupied with keeping him barely alive, so he wasn’t thinking much about anything. it was humid. his feet hurt. a scent of lime tree filled his nostrils. the food in front of him suddenly appeared unappetizing.

y/n didn’t visit them today and kuroo failed to spot her bustling around her garden, which she seemed to do often. because of the high fence, he could always only see the top of her head, but that much was enough to grab his attention. grandma said something about her being busy today, or whatever.

it wasn’t like he yearned for the woman’s company, no. he simply enjoyed the presence of someone his age, deciding it was better than sitting alone or observing his grandmother chattering with her elderly friends.

suddenly a sharp, irritating sound pierced the silence, making kuroo jerk up. the phone was ringing. he pulled himself upwards, hurrying to pick it up. not because he desperately wished to talk, but rather in order to stop the maddening noise.

"hello?" he began, his fingers involuntarily starting to play with the cord, curling it around them, "who’s calling?"

"kuroo, is that you?" an elated voice boomed from the receiver, "how are you doing, my son? have you been sleeping well?"

the man immediately recognized it was his father talking. he wished he didn’t have to pretend everything was okay, when it obviously wasn’t, but settled it would be better to just lie. it will probably prevent him from being bombarded with idiotic questions. "why are you still sleepless?", for example. how should he know?

"life here is perfect, dad. i’m sleeping much sounder now," he began, twirling the cord between his joints, "i could stay here forever, you know." kuroo hummed, straining his tone to sound 'energized'.

"oh, really? your mother is already talking about you coming back, and—", the older one paused, searching for better words "…she, uh, supports your trip here. but she misses you too."

whatever that meant.

"tell her i miss her too." the black-haired man coated his words in honey. truth was he didn’t miss his parents at all, feeling much better mentally without having to endure their bullshit everyday.

kuroo and his father talked for a while longer before he had to hang up. the man put back the phone in its place, his shoulders slouching. he stood there aimlessly, facing the wall. it felt as if he wasted all of his remaining energy on conversing.

a short noise of opening door pulled him out of his momentary emotional distress. his head turned, immediately spotting his grandmother who just came back from her quick trip to the store. the man strained the corners of his lips upwards.

"how are you kuroo?" she inquired, reciprocating his smile, "you look worried." her tone seemed cheerful enough, probably indicating the shopping was successful.

he hurried to her side, taking both bags from her hands. "my father just called. we talked a bit." kuroo explained, carrying groceries to the kitchen. he began to unpack everything, putting the food in its destined places.

"did he now?" the older woman chimed, sitting by the table with a muffled grunt, "you don’t seem too thrilled by it."

well, she was right, as always. the black-haired man sighed deeply, mulling over the best word choice. he didn’t want to make his grandmother any more concerned than she should be, but the situation at hand was tricky.

"i mean," kuroo started, sitting down with her, "i am happy he called. it’s just…" he stammered, feeling the world spin a bit. the track of his thoughts got foggy, rendering him unresponsive. his tired eyes fixated on the wooden surface of the table.

suddenly, a gentle touch on his hand snapped him out of his temporary slump. he looked up, his gaze locking with his grandma’s. she always held such a warm expression on her face, it never failed to melt his heart.

"i see you’re down, kuroo," her voice rang clear in his head, uninterrupted by the constant noise his brain seemed to be producing, "whenever i need to get rid of sad thoughts, i go for a walk. why don’t you try it?"

that didn’t seem like a bad idea at all. he nodded, slowly getting up. maybe some fresh air will help him. anyway, he’s been here already for three days and still somehow didn’t step a foot outside.

"i’ll do just that. thank you, grandma."

kuroo expected the weather to be hot, but honestly this was beyond reasonable. when he was at home, the fan was always here to cool him down, but right now he’d have to fend for himself.

the sun was absolutely merciless. it beat down onto his back and head, making the world spin even harder. an unpleasant pang of dizziness washed over him, but the man ignored the feeling.

he heaved, taking small steps forward. the general layout of the streets didn’t change much from what he remembered during his childhood days, but it still seemed different. perhaps his memories were simply failing him.

in addition, it was quiet all around. occasional sounds of people could be heard, but overall tranquility dominated the whole village. bird’s chirping and the buzz of insects in the grass soothed his tortured mind. if only the sun wasn’t too overbearing, it could have been actually nice.

he moved on, admiring the mountains that looked as if they were cradling the whole countryside with their rocky arms. he spotted various locations, such as the post office, along with shops, taking mental notes of where everything was.

kuroo finally entered the more secluded area, covered mostly with trees and meadows. atop one of the hills stood a painter’s easel. it seemed to be abandoned for whatever reason, the canvas barely touched with some green paint. the view was thought-provoking, but he ultimately shook his head, leaving the thing behind.

shade provided by leafy crowns was an agreeable change, and it almost made him feel relaxed. it was still too hot for his liking, though. he carried on with his walk before suddenly spotting a familiar silhouette in the distance.

it was y/n. the girl was taking wide steps, quickly approaching him. that made kuroo slightly nervous. was she mad? before he could jump into any more conclusions, he realized that her expression was the one of distress, and she wasn’t actually looking at him. her eyes trailed over everything, up and down.

when they were close enough, he waved. she seemed to finally notice him, but didn’t really acknowledge his existence. she rushed, walking right past him. she had her postman bag with her, gripping onto it with both her hands. that made kuroo stop in his tracks, looking back at the woman.

"are you just gonna ignore me?" he yelled after her, making y/n stop as well. he didn’t know why he was so offended by the girl acting as if he was invisible, but it kind of irked him. she turned in his direction, a pinched expression on her face.

"i’m in a hurry right now. can’t talk." she called back, "sorry."

that was the last thing she said before continuing her (rather frantic) stroll. kuroo observed her for a while longer. her hair was visibly disheveled, along with her jeans being stained with grass and dirt. he let out a heavy sigh, pondering over the reasons as to why she was in such a rush. yes, the woman was usually full of energy, however this time it didn’t seem to be the case. something was obviously up.

a part of him wanted to help her, but then again, who was he to butt into her business? everybody had things they needed to tend to, and maybe sometimes it’s be better to stay out of them. in addition, knowing y/n, his offer would probably be turned down anyway.

kuroo clicked his tongue with crossed arms, as his eyes narrowed at y/n, her frame slowly beginning to disappear in the distance.

what a complicated thing that girl was.

fourth of july, 1:16 am.

much to the black-haired man’s surprise, sleep came without any protest tonight. it was… almost alien, in a way. when was the last time he fell asleep so quickly? was it the work of his earlier stroll, or perhaps the quality time he spent with his grandmother, watering her plants and talking together on the patio?

he wouldn’t know, but if a part of him was conscious right now, it probably was jumping up with joy. it was a big accomplishment to him. his organism finally shut down at around 10pm, so right now he had over three hours of sleep on his account, with no signs of waking up anytime soon.

kuroo’s body leisurely turned to the other side, basking in the desired rest. unfortunately for him, the god’s gracious gaze slipped away from the man, probably focusing on somebody else. it could only mean one thing.

a rapid, loud knocking brutally pulled him out of his serene state. his eyes snapped wide open. kuroo looked around, absolutely confused. his heart was thumping so hard, he felt as if the organ actually wanted to break free through his throat.

the sounds had yet to stop, meaning he didn’t dream it. he scanned his room once again, finally realizing the knocks were coming from his balcony door. he couldn’t exactly see who was causing all the noise, but the answer was rather obvious.

he had to physically stop himself from grimacing as he approached his curtains, swishing them apart. just how insane do you have to be to start pounding on someone’s balcony door in the middle of the night? it was crazy, and stupid, and ridiculous, and—

his buzzing thoughts were instantly interrupted by what he saw. if anybody took a photography, the view in front of their eyes would be close to a scene pulled straight out of a telenovela. y/n stood there, pressing her palms onto the glass, her whole face twisting in distress. moonlight hugged her frame, emphasizing the dampness in her eyes.

kuroo froze for a second before quickly opening the door. the girl practically stumbled into his arms, instantly gripping onto his shoulders. millions of thoughts spun inside the man’s head, as his expression turned equally unnerved. did a robber break into her house? was she attacked? someone died?

his lips parted, ready to start throwing questions at y/n, but she was faster. the woman’s fingers dug into his muscles, making him want to wince at the unpleasant sensation. he was way too distracted to voice his discomfort though, deeming it irrelevant to the whole situation.

”kuroo! you need to help me, please, my cat, i—" she heaved, starting to hyperventilate, "i don’t know what to do! she, uh—"

kuroo felt utterly lost. what? what was the girl even talking about? it was either his still foggy mind, or she just sputtered nonsense. however, she said something about a 'cat', so at least he was assured that everyone was alive and well.

seeing y/n was obviously freaking out, he placed his hands atop her shoulders, leading her to sit on his bed. waterfall of tears streamed down her cheeks, making the always lively woman seem awfully miserable. it contradicted with her fierceness, rendering kuroo blank-minded as he had no idea what to do. seeing her in such vulnerable state was… well, unnatural to say the least.

he kneeled in front of her, his amber irises locking with hers. she sniffled, wiping her face with the palm of her hand. her eyebrows furrowed as she looked to the side, noticeably avoiding any eye contact.

"i look stupid now, don’t i…?" she mouthed, her breaths still ragged.

kuroo had no reason to help her. during the past few days, she has shown him parts of her kind self, yes. but most of the time, those short moments were blinded by the amount of effort she put into annoying and being generally rude to him. plus, she practically barged into his house when he was in the middle of the best sleep he’s had in the longest time.

and yet, he smiled at her, shaking his head.

"no, of course you don’t." he muttered, his tone assuring, "but you need to calm down, y/n. honestly i didn’t understand anything you were saying earlier." he chuckled weakly, trying to light up the grim atmosphere just a little bit.

the woman took a deep breath, feeling at her chest. her heart rate was out of the roof, but somehow kuroo’s words made her a little more grounded.

"my cat ran away this morning…", her lips trembled as she started, "i— i know this is weird. i know. but i just love her so much. she’s all i have in this place—”

the girl suddenly choked on her words, fits of coughs shaking her whole body. the black-haired man immediately stood up, swiftly reaching for the water bottle he had put sometime earlier on his bedside table. he handed it to y/n, and she thanked him with a short nod before taking a few sips.

kuroo observed her drink. he slowly realized that when she rushed past him yesterday, she wasn’t trying to be arrogant and ignore him. y/n was simply searching for her lost pet. the woman must have held so much love towards the animal if she was able to look for it to this hour without giving up.

"ugh, sorry," she sniffled, putting the bottle away, "anyway… i’ve been searching for her but to no avail. at some point i just panicked and- and thought about you."

his eyebrows lifted up. "why me though? don’t you have anyone else to help you?" he inquired, biting his tongue as the words left his mouth. shit. he didn’t have to be so mean about it.

hearing that, y/n’s teary eyes snapped in his direction. a hurt look etched itself onto her expression, as she rapidly got up from her sitting place.

"you don’t need to help me,” she hissed, starting to walk in the balcony’s direction, "you can go back to sleep if you want. i don’t care."

kuroo cursed under his breath, quickly managing to catch her wrist. "hey, did i say i won’t help you?", he asked, angry at himself because of his own idiocy, "it’s just… you surely have friends here that are more capable than me, right?" a nervous smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

y/n kept silent. she turned her body back in kuroo’s direction, slowly shaking her head 'no'. he studied her for a prolonged second, before realizing that he was still holding onto her wrist. he let go, clearing his throat and taking a step backwards.

thinking of it, it made sense. the woman rarely hanged out with anybody other than his grandmother (and him). she was on excellent terms with every single elderly around, but seemed to lack in friends her age. no sane person would break into some 60-year old-grandpa’s room in the middle of the night, asking for help.

"i’m sorry, y/n," he apologized, confidence blooming within his voice, "let’s go look for your cat now." that made the girl perk up from her solemn state. her depressed expression immediately melted into happiness, as she jumped up towards him.

"will you really do that for me?" a wide grin spread across her face, lightening up the dark mood, "oh, thank you so much, kuroo!"

the man chuckled, "yeah, yeah, no problem. but lets use the door this time, okay?" he offered in a teasing tone, reaching towards his wardrobe. he dug out a hoodie, tossing it in y/n’s direction.

she caught the clothing piece, examining it for a second. huh, he wasn’t half bad. smiling to herself, the girl pulled it over her head, murmuring a simple "as you wish", before both of them left the house as quietly as possible.

a beat of silence passed between them. they walked along the street, moon being their only source of light. they should have prepared better, taking torches and putting on longer pants in order to protect their legs from scratches. alas, kuroo along with y/n were too focused on their mission to think of such details.

"so, uh… how does your cat look like?" he muttered, looking around in hopes of spotting bright feline eyes.

"she’s orange. her name is bee." the girl answered, the corners of her lips involuntarily curling up, "when i found her, she was stung by some insect. her whole muzzle got swollen.” y/n explained, a tinge of sadness laced through her voice.

kuroo snickered at that revelation, his gaze momentarily stopping on the big, glowy planet that hung above them. "so, do you wanna split up? or look for her together?"

"i’m not sure… you probably still don’t know your way around. let’s not split up, or you’ll get lost too." a weak giggle slipped from her mouth, and kuroo thought that joy fits her so much better than sadness.

they both decided on searching through the streets before departing further away into the forested areas. to their dismay, even though about two hours passed, the cat still remained missing. kuroo decided to take a short break, leaning on some pole as he observed y/n still running around and calling out for bee.

the woman was getting more frantic by the second, and honestly, he had to admit her nerves rubbed off on him too. he cracked his knuckles, thinking of where the cat could possibly be. if they don’t find her soon, the chances of her being safe will only drop.

even a few drunkards (who may failed to find their way home) asked them what they were searching so feverishly for. before kuroo could explain, y/n barked that it was none of their business. the men seemed to get slightly offended, forcing the two to quickly escort themselves somewhere else.

when they finally stopped running away from the drunken delinquents, y/n hunched over, supporting her body weight on her knees. a few coughs ripped from her lungs, making the man worry. he stepped closer to her, examining the girl’s slumped form, but still giving her enough space.

"hey, uh… you okay?" he questioned, knitting his eyebrows together. she looked up at him, nodding without much conviction on her face.

"m-maybe we should try looking in the forest?" y/n stammered out, trying not to wince at the pain squeezing her lungs, "though it will be hard without any light…"

that much was true. on the streets, everything was pretty much clear without any obstruction. situation shifts noticeably when there’s a multitude of leafy crowns hovering over your heads, effectively dulling the moonlight. still, kuroo didn’t feel like giving up.

whatever drove him, it was strong. perhaps he just missed being useful?

"let’s not waste time on too much thinking," he stated with full confidence, thinking it may lift up the woman’s spirits, "c’mon. we’re gonna find her."

y/n straightened up, a determined expression returning to her worn face. if kuroo was good at one thing, it surely was comforting people, and motivating them to push on. what if he was some kind of a leader in the past? a team sport suited him well enough. she’d have to ask later.

they started to quickly render the distance between them and the forest. the man didn’t feel exactly comfortable with being in total darkness, but y/n did not mind. she stayed on high alert, looking all around, even if it was hard to spot anything. the approaching sunrise managed to keep her hopes up.

and so, their lookout in the forest began.

the two struggled noticeably to push on through the thick bushes and tall grass. branches regularly slapped kuroo in the face, evoking painful grunts from the man. it was one of those rare moments when he cursed his genes for making him so tall.

whereas y/n wrestled closer to the ground, her ankles getting caught up in some weeds and rocks all the time. as they climbed atop one of the higher hills, she suddenly let out a yelp, losing her already unstable balance for two terrifying seconds. kuroo immediately turned around to see what was up, barely making out the shape of her silhouette from all-dominating darkness.

"grab my hand, or else you’ll fall." he offered, stretching out his arm towards y/n. she felt around the empty space, finally managing to get a hold on the man’s palm. she did so reluctantly, but deemed it was better than accidentally tumbling down, and being escorted to the hospital with multiple fractured limbs. now that would have been embarrassing.

they pushed on. the pair spotted a few small animals, but none of them were bee. another hour passed, and it was already around 4am. first rays of light started to force their way through the trees, making it a little easier to see. it didn’t help with y/n’s distraught state, though.

somehow they managed to cut their way short, arriving on a sandy coast. a spacious lake laid bare before them, mountains embracing the body of water. sun was slowly peeking out from behind their rocky peaks, painting a terrific landscape. for some reason, kuroo couldn’t bring himself to appreciate it.

his eyes locked on y/n. the girl was panting, sweat rolling down her temples. the man used to be sporty, still was, so walking for such a long distance wasn’t the biggest problem he could face. of course it took a toll on him, but contrary to y/n’s case, it wasn’t fatal.

the woman gasped, huffing heavily. she felt her legs shaking, knees threatening to buckle any second. she just plopped down on the ground, her head falling. the vision of bee being somewhere out here, scared and potentially injured shattered her heart into million pieces.

"i… i don’t know if i can continue anymore," she heaved, gripping her disheveled hair, "i’m too exhausted to walk. i’ve been constantly on move since 9 am—"

another wave of coughs shook the girl’s body. kuroo winced. it was always such an ugly sight. he internally thanked his immune system for being so strong, keeping all kinds of sickness away from him.

"stay here and i’ll look around, okay?" he mustered up a reassuring smile, even though his own mind was close to crashing. if only he knew searching for lost animals was so… rough. "i have a good feeling she’s near."

"no, i’ll go with you—!" y/n quickly pulled herself up, but the fast movement made her dizzy. she grunted, holding onto a tree trunk in order to prevent herself from falling face-straight onto the ground. the lack of rest and food was messing with her whole organism.

"see? you’re too tired." the man sent her a concerned glance, "i’ll be back soon."

y/n opened her mouth in order to protest further, however kuroo ignored her, starting to search through the tall grass. she was stubborn alright. if only he let her, he’s sure the woman could even crawl. fortunately, he deemed himself as a good person and didn’t want her to do such unreasonable things.

suddenly, a prolonged meow snapped him out of his reveries. he stopped in his tracks, looking around. another muffled sound lead him to a particularly dense clump of weeds. he pushed the tall bushes aside, spotting a small, orange cat curled into a ball. it lied there, shivering. it seemed as if it’s right paw was bleeding some time ago, but stopped.

he instinctively reached towards the animal, but it hissed at him. the man retracted his hand, straightening up. "is that you, bee…?" he whispered to the terrified pet. it’s ears seemed to slightly perk up at the sound of its possible name.

"y/n, you might wanna come see this!" kuroo called out to the girl, still keeping his eyes glued on the cat.

hearing his voice, she immediately regained all of her lost energy, pulling herself up. she kicked at the sand, sprinting towards him. the woman almost bumped into his back, fortunately managing to stop before the painful collision.

the moment her eyes locked on the cat, it looked as if the whole galaxy blessed her irises with a multitude of stars. she physically had to stop herself from screaming in happiness in order not to scare her cat away.

"bee, my beloved girl!" she breathed in relief, picking up the animal from the ground. she cradled her close to her chest, careful not to irritate her injured paw.

kuroo observed the reunited duo from the sidelines, realizing that now they will have to come back. shivers ran down his spine as he could only imagine the harsh route home, starting to feel tired from the mere thought of it.

well, what you wouldn’t do for a girl and her pet?

two hours. it took them two hours to venture back home. the roles switched- now the man was complaining from his exhaustion, and y/n simply nodded along, too occupied with her furry pet.

the time of the clock probably showed 6am. distant sounds of the train rushing by could be heard as they finally stood in front of their houses. truth be told, kuroo never expected his trip to the countryside would end up like that.

the vision of sneaking out and searching for something through streets and wilderness was straight out of a movie. yet, here they were, all dirty from the mud and littered with small cuts. yes, they tripped multiple times in the forest, even though they were holding onto each others hands.

"so… we’re finally back!" y/n cheered, adjusting her hold on bee.

"yeah, finally," kuroo repeated after her, "i can’t believe you really dragged me out in the middle of the night to do this." he sent her a teasing glance, his shoulders slouching.

the woman smiled kindly, forgetting about their bickering and the whole "rivals” charade for good.

"you have no idea how thankful i am," she muttered, her gaze locking on her shoes, as their color suddenly became very interesting, "really. i don’t know how i’ll ever pay you back…"

that’s true. she was genuinely puzzled as to why kuroo decided to help her. he wouldn’t get anything out of searching with her for the whole night. maybe except a few bruises and scratches, and a languished body, but that’s all.

"nah, it’s nothing. honestly i had fun, you know," he snickered weakly under his breath, "so don’t worry."

his tired eyes fixated on y/n. the golden hue coming from the sky bounced off of her skin, lightening up her whole face. kuroo hated to admit it, but with her wide smile, she really looked like the sun right now.

silence fell between the two. the girl was opening and closing her mouth, as if she wanted to say more. she had that specific look on her face, yearning to do something, say anything. yet, she finally let out a resigned sigh, deciding against whatever she wanted to voice out loud.

"so uhh… i’ll see you later?" she offered, taking a step towards her house, showing it is the high time they depart.

"yeah. see you.” the man answered briefly, waving her goodbye.

absolutely exhausted, he managed to drag his feet into his bedroom, shaking off his dirtied pants before falling onto the bed without a care in the world.

he slept for next three hours.

🫧𓇼𓏲*ੈ✩‧₊˚🎐 🫧𓇼𓏲*ੈ✩‧₊˚🎐 🫧𓇼𓏲*ੈ✩‧₊˚

notes: if anybody comes at me saying y/n’s reaction was overdramatic, i’m gonna automatically assume you never had a pet in your life

also - i promise in the next chapter the action will take a sharper turn so please stick with me😭🙏

[withacapitalp]

She's Still Here Pt 2

Pt 1 Link to ao3

“Hey. School today was pretty cool,”

Why would I care about school? School doesn’t mean anything to me now. I'm dead.

“.......”

“Nancy was over the other day. She was crying a lot. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just kinda rubbed her back? I don’t know if she liked it. Did you ever help her when she was upset? Should I be doing something special?”

Nancy likes tea with lemon and honey after she cries. She also hates anyone watching her like that, so she probably loathed every second of it. You would know that if you knew her at all. 

“.......”

“I’m going to the movies with Jonathan on Friday. It’s kind of weird that it’s just the two of us…I don’t think he likes me all that much, but I wanna try, you know?”

You were a total ass to him. He doesn’t owe you anything. 

“.......”

“Tommy won’t look at me anymore. I think he’s decided the best way to go about things now is pretending I never existed. I think I understand a bit better why you were so upset that night. I should’ve been nicer. I'm sorry about that,” 

….yes, you should have. I also shouldn’t have ever come here. He shouldn't be treating you like that.

“.......”

“Do you even want me talking to you? I can stop. If it’s like upsetting or…well, you don’t have to talk back, but I’ll keep hanging out with you. If you ever want me to stop, just give me a sign or something,” 

I don’t know. I hate you. You’re a jerk, and you’re not good enough for Nancy, and I died at your house. But I think I might go crazy if you stop talking to me, and I don’t think you have anyone else to talk to either. 

“.......”

“Do you get cold? Do you maybe want to come inside?” 

I can’t feel anything at all...but I want to come inside. I just don't know how to move anymore. 

“.......”

“Jonathan likes the camera. I gave it to Nancy to give to him. I don’t think Jonathan would accept it from me. He likes it though! He showed us a bunch of pictures he took. They were really good,” 

Why do you care so much? Why do you want Jonathan Byers to like you this badly? You already have Nancy, you don’t need to butter her up. 

Do you want to be his friend just because?

“.......”

“Your parents started having me and Nancy come over for dinner once a week. It’s a nice house, cozy. Not saying like- your parents are just nice people you know? It’s sweet,” 

I miss my mom. I miss my dad of course, but I miss my mom so badly it hurts. Could you tell her what happened? I don’t want her to wait forever for me to come home. Could you bring her here? I want to be able to talk to her one last time, and you could help me with that. You would if I asked. I know you would. I just have to ask. 

“.......”

“My dad told me if I don’t bring my grades up he’s going to make me wish I was never born.”

Your dad is terrible to you. Like really bad. It’s kind of crazy that Steve 'The Hair' Harrington has such a fucked up family. Either way, you shouldn’t listen to a word either of them says…and you should stay at Nancy’s the night report cards come out. They’ll leave again eventually, but till then it isn’t safe for you to be here. I hate that I just have to listen as they tear you apart. I hate that I can’t tell them to stop. I hate that the only person who would hear me is you. 

“.......”

“Sorry I come out here so late. I just don’t sleep so good anymore,” 

I know. I hear you screaming at least twice a week. Is that why you don’t let Nancy stay over anymore? Maybe you just like her house better. You can come talk to me though. I should start talking back. I should help you. I think you need help. 

“.......”

“It’s my birthday. I’m 18 today. I don’t feel any different. Mrs. Wheeler made a cake, and then Nancy and Jonathan took me to the movies. It was fun.  I- it’s gonna sound stupid, because I know we weren’t friends and you probably hate my guts, but I wish you could’ve been there. I think it would’ve made Nancy happy.”

I’m never going to get to have another birthday. You’re right. We aren’t friends. 

But I don’t think I hate you anymore. I know too much of you now.  

“.......”

Tag List: @afewproblems @dilutedpondwater'

((Incase it was confusing the italics are Barbara's thoughts. She never actually answers Steve.....yet))

[ariesmusingz]

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა ╱ real talk sentence starters pt 1 ( created using lyrics from man overboard's real talk album. feel free to adjust to fit your muse. )

you could say one of two things

call me sometime or let's hang out

maybe i could help you out

stop acting like you'll ever see me again and like i don't have you figured out

i understand how it works

on paper, we're similar people

we're different people

you're tearing down the walls i built

tell your wrecking crew i welcome you

when the days slow down this summer don't forget

i did two years in your silhouette

your jaws of steel never forgave

it's haunting the way silence sounded

if i fucked up long ago, i'm sorry

i didn't realise it counted

it just wouldn't work out

that's what i'm telling myself

we're just two different people

it's eleven thirty at night

you're in your bed nice and tight

maybe you're dreaming of me

i am calling you

i am wishing you were here

i hope i didn't annoy you today

you answered anyway

i am hearing you

wishing i could feel you too

i miss her

i wanted to tell her

i spoke to myself in the mirror for a while tonight

i made a promise that i would never fuck up having you in my life

i think you're my favourite girl i've ever met

i bought a new notebook for the road

covered it with your area code

it's tattooed by the pen and i wish it was my home

i kinda hate everyone i know

lately i've been feeling so low

come get inside my bed

you make me feel dead by being out there in the unknown

just like a dream

she called me kinda late last night

said she knew everything

all those pretty little words came out

just like i planned she fell into my arms again

i could pretend that i would lie right here forever and wait for the end

you're right we should be together

tonight i could make it better if i just gave up on my stupid little fantasy world

you're right, that was a fake smile

you're right i am in denial

i should just go home to my perfect little fantasy girl

you're my fantasy girl

she crept back up inside my bed

said that she missed everything

all those words that made me fall came out

just like a trap, everything just fell right back

we were on tracck

i could lie with her all night now and wait to react

always turning out for the worst

you were always my most consistent curse

i hope this gets you kind of heated or stings a little if you even read it

bringing everyone down

you left this house feeling empty

it's better than feeling like it's burning to the ground

i can't live with you around anymore

you're blocking out the sound outside my door

i found more

i can't remember all the times that i almost had bruises for being on your side

now i hope that someone gets to you

see you around

you were alright back when we were young

you don't compare to anything that i've found

i wrote you down a letter before i went to sleep

it had all the secrets i could no longer keep

i held them in for so long i was going to break

maybe now i can rest and you will lay awake

i've been trying to escape but something keeps calling me

a feeling i can't shake

the darkness has swallowed me

i can't move fast enough to ditch what has followed me

lighting strikes everything that i touch

this is how it feels for me to be on my own

the sadness has cut me down to the bone

it's so bad

i don't think i'll make it home tonight

there's not enough light in your house that you could leave on for me tonight

there's not enough fights i could lose to justify how i feel tonight

if this would come true, i wonder what's really real tonight

if this makes any sense at all then push my back up against the wall

try calling your friends and asking what they have heard

you're looking for the gossip and hanging on every word

i'm not made

it's cute, it's actually absurd

i can't believe someone loves me so much

i've been failing every test and late for the makeup

left alone at your request as you do your make up

i know that i won't make this alright before it's over now tonight

i know that this won't be the last time i walk these streets

i hang my head

i wish i was dead

at my best, i'd suggest i've been weird since she left

it's normal autumn stuff

i guess i never thought enough

look at me

almost free from my crippling disease

shoot bullets through my foot

i think that'd work out real good

call me out

she's calling me out

i guess she didn't know better

she called me out

i guess that's why she's got her own man now

she's doing fine

she's got her own man now

what's she talking about>

at my best, put to test i'd score average or less

i can't apply myself

if i could just untie myself

she wants the yes's

gets the no's

before long there she goes

i guess she dug too deep

now she's just too bugged to sleep

you made yourself the guest of honor

the party got stopped and everybody just went home