#what am i living for?
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shoutout to everyone who wants to infodump but cant string together coherent thoughts to form sentences and instead just look at you like this
#and by 'everyone' i mean me. im just hoping other people relate lmao#someone asks me about a thing i like and im just like h..................#been thinking about The Character for a solid 6 months+ and let me tell you. expldoeing soon#this is about ffxv btw . how am i supposed to say how much it lives in my brain . i cant think#text#1k#5k#10k#15k#20k#great googly moogly#30k#40k#50k#60k#boooy what da heeel#70k#80k#90k#will this be my first ever post to hit 100k... it remains to be seen#good lord. we did it#100k
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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HIMMMMMMMMM
#he’s always been the symbol of peace but now that he’s not a hero anymore he doesn’t know how to live as a human and not a symbol#and despite that he still lets himself be used until the end#see what I did with the pictures..😈🙏???#he’s so Peter you’re gonna die in that stupid costume from that sound on TikTok#am I reaching here#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#all might#yagi toshinori#toshinori yagi#njk mk#mha#anime#number one hero#all might fans
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Ok but what if the cryptids were gay
#it is carl's art#minecraft#minecraft live#minecraft live spoilers#minecraft spoilers#minecraft warden#minecraft creaking#no I am not sorry for having a million tags#cause guess what#i post what i want and i post forever#minecraft art
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for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal
before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"
and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"
#the truman show#sbs rambles#I keep thinking about how children on popular youtube channels should probably have laws to protect them#social workers assigned to them maybe#I dunno#they did not sign up to have their lives sold for profit#but here we are#tho#I guess none of us signed up for it#and our data is harvested more than ever#god#high-tech capitalism sucks turns out#OH WAIT because tumblr is bad at getting context sometimes#let me specify:#I am not saying that the movie The Truman Show is bad or that it normalizes this#like all good sci-fi (because it is kind of sci-fi) it's there to warn us of what the future could hold#and it did that in a very good way - it's a beautiful movie#I could see someone with a bad faith take assuming I meant that it was part of the problem#it absolutely wasn't. it didn't normalize this; we did#youtube did and social media#it's us that's the problem#or more specifically: big corporations and a lack of regulation#that's the origin of most modern problems
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Vent
#for someone as fuckboy-ish as you#you sure do know how to make a girl disappointed#lmao#ugh. im not even sure i love you anymore. but every little conversation we have that doesnt end after 3 messages gives me butterflies still#i get a little rush of dopamine from seeing your name pop up#from seeing those three dots showing youre writing something#i wish you knew but i hope youll never do#thats so fucked up lmao i think im falling into a gray routine where im all alone#i thibk im getting used to never having anyone else. i dont even see myself as single. i just exist#i cant imagine myself with anyone else than you. it makes me nauseous to think about kissing or fucking someone else.#and yet I don't even know if i want your love#i thibk it might just be poison. if you even for some reason were to love me back#because of my inferiority complex and the fact that all your exes and fwbs and friends and acquaintances are gorgeous#and i want the one i have to look at me. only me. please look at me.#its embarrassing but its true. i want to be beautiful#i want to be better. i want to be better i want to be better i want to be better#im getting hopeless. im past being desperate. im past being hurt or sad or angry. im.just tired#im going to sit in this empty feeling with a big hole in it and wait for the years to pass.#what am i living for?#what do i want to live for?
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I thought this game didn't have random encounters!
FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT
MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)
#deltarune#undertale#utdr#crossover comic#crossver comic#comic#twin runes comic#twin runes#twinrunes au#chara#susie#first a living labyrinth and now facehugger masks#what the heck is this place#i hope they don't have any weird quirks#oh who am i kidding#of course they will#but ngl i love writing susie and chara's dynamic#they're just constantly trying to bully each other#and failing miserably at it
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I am loudly pushing the batdad agenda i am loudly pushing the— DPxDC Prompt
“Woah. You look like shit."
Granted, that’s probably not the first thing Danny should be saying to the guy that just bit the curb, but in his defense; he’s not running on 100% right now either.
The man -- tall, towering, and broader than Danny is tall -- whips around on his heel, black frayed cape flaring out impressively. Danny would've whistled in appreciation, but he takes the time instead to wipe the back of his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood running from his nose across his cheek.
"Sorry." He blinks widely, not even flinching as the man with the horns zeroes in on him. "That was rude of me. I have a really bad brain-to-mouth filter; Sam says its what always gets me into trouble."
And she's not wrong either, per say. His smart mouth is what landed him in this situation -- with blood blossom extract running through his veins and cannibalizing the ectoplasm in his bloodstream. Thanks Vlad.
The man grunts at him; a short, curt "hm" that shouldn't make Danny smile, but he does because he's somewhat delirious and probably concussed. The man keeps some kind of distance, sinking towards the shadows of Gotham's alleyway like he dares to melt right into it.
If it's supposed to scare Danny, it doesn't work. Danny's never been afraid of the dark; he's always been able to hide himself in it. He blinks slowly at the mass of shadows.
"You look hurt." The shadows says, blurring together around the edges. Danny squints, and licks his lips to get the blood dripping down his chin off. Ugh, he hates the taste of blood.
"I am." He says, "My godfather poisoned me. M'dying." The agony of the blood blossom eating him from the inside out looped back around to numbing a while ago, so all he feels is half-awake and dazed.
"Hey," Danny stumbles forward towards the man, a bloodied hand reaching out to him. "You-- you're a hero, right? You're not attacking me; which is more than I can say for most costumed people I've met." Maybe it's a poor bar to judge someone at, but he's already established that Danny's not in his right mind.
The man makes no change in expression, but Danny realizes blearily that it's hard to tell with the shadows on his face. He stays still long enough for Danny to latch onto the cape -- stretchy, but almost soft under his fingers.
He looks up blearily into the whites of the man's eyes. "Can you help me? I don't-- I don't wanna die." Again. He doesn't wanna die again. He blinks slow and lizard-like. "I mean- I'll probably get to see mom and dad again, but I told them I'd at least try and make it to adulthood."
There's a clatter down the street, and Danny's ghost sense chills up his spine and leaves a bitter, ashy taste in his mouth. He immediately knows who it belongs to even before the deceptively gentle; "Daniel?" echoes down the way.
"Daniel? Quit your games, badger, Gotham is dangerous for children."
Danny's mouth pulls back, and blood spills against his tongue. "Please." He rasps, and grabs onto the shadow's cape with both hands. "Please. He's going to kill me. Please--"
"Daniel? Is that you?"
His lips part, dragging in air to plead with the darkness again. He doesn't need to, the whites of his eyes narrow, and the cape whirls around him before Danny can blink. Soon swaddled in shadows, the Night lifts him up, and steals him away.
#I AM LOUDLY PUSHING THE BATDAD AGENDA#anyways— add ons are encouraged i wanna talk more dpxdc with folks i just cant find any aus i really like enough to engage with#which is nobody's fault and its why im making my own content in order to reach more people#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#dpdc#dc x dp#dpxdc prompts#i took a ‘which batfam member are you (except its personal)’ quiz a few days ago#and got bruce wayne. and then was promptly read to filth why im most like him and it rudely but accurately explained why im the most like#him. it also consequently explained to me why i like him so much. whenever i see him in his kindest form i see a mirror looking back#anyways lots of ‘danny rejecting bruce as a parent’ aus. may i present: bruce and danny finding family in each other aus. batdad aus pls.#dpxdc prompt#dcxdp#this prompt can take place at any point of Batkid accumulation but personally i was imagining this as before Bruce has any of his kids yet#eldest brother danny supremacy and also just that one on one bonding#danny being someone who was never afraid of the dark as a kid and even less so as he got older. taking solace in it as a ghost because you#cant hide in the dark when you glow. his enemies can't jump out at him. but he can jump out at them. how can he be afraid of the dark when#the dark is where the stars like to live? there's a comfort in the shadows. there might be something hiding in it. but he's hiding in it to#blood blossoms eat ghosts headcanon#wasn't sure where i was gonna go with this at the beginning and then i caught steam.#batman casually kidnaps an orphan upon kid's request. also the kid was Actively Dying Of Poison. What was he gonna do?? NOT help him?#mister 'keeps candy in his utility belt specifically for scared children'??? no way.
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the other day we were talking about balance beams because you said that your family had one of those cool winch ones that wrap around trees to make a high wire. even though i was pretty good i had to quit gymnastics at 12 because we couldn't afford dance and gymnastics but. i had something-other.
and i got excited because i think it's a funny story. i didn't have a door for about 4 years. 13-17, or there about. i only got it back because i replaced it myself.
i think my dad took it off the hinges just because his very-macho friend david had said - i do this to punish my kids. and then about a week later it was down on the ground and then eventually rotting in a shed. i used to visit it on occasion and tilt it between two boxes so i could try to walk across the side of it. i have a scar on my foot from attempting the act of balance-beam fancy dancing. it's shaped like a crescent moon. a hinge sliced into my skin when the whole thing slipped out from underneath me.
and you looked at me and you said - what the fuck?
and i said, do you want to see? because i thought the thing you were replying to was the injury. i was already undoing my shoelaces.
you're supposed to have a door, you said slowly. you were a teenager. you - i've seen your house. you lived at the end of the hall.
i didn't understand the problem. so? i wriggled out of my shoe and then my sock.
so, you said it gently, which made me slow down. you said it in the way people tell me that i experienced something bad and i have no idea that it was supposed to be something-else instead. anyone coming down the stairs or in the hallway could see directly into your room. you were in a fishbowl for four years, am i understanding that correctly?
i stared at you, and then said the other things: well, it wasn't so bad. i just wore a towel and tucked myself into a corner to change. i could always just change in the bathroom. privacy didn't really exist for any of us. i wasn't allowed to decorate so it wasn't really my room anyway. i didn't have a lot of things growing up; so it's not like i minded having a semi-public space. my siblings left me alone if i needed them to. what's the big deal anyway.
this is accidentally what emotional vampires incorrectly label as a "trauma dump". this is accidentally how you learn that my house was actually unsafe. i don't even consider this a problem, because everything else was so much worse, in a way. i didn't know it was supposed to be different. at the time, i didn't know what privacy was. i just lied about most stuff and got good at hiding in public. i haven't ever lied about this because i didn't know it was supposed to be different. i am 31.
you looked pale and ready to throw up. you had a right to a door for your room. you were a kid. someone should have helped you.
i was busy examining the sole of my foot. the scar really does look like the moon.
#spilled ink#warm up#at 31 i am still discovering other people had like normal lives#what do you mean i needed a door. i was always told i was lucky to have my own room#no matter how small#i WAS lucky to have my own room!!!!!#.... as an adult i am kind of like ''.... a door would have been nice too''
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when you're part of a group with structural power over another goup, you really do gotta just learn to say "i am not exempt from 'fuck 'em' when relevant" whenever someone expresses frustration with you or people like you.
#juney.txt#like sure to protect your ego you could try to make up some axis of oppression that concievably means you're not accountable for anything#and how dare people from colonized nations tell you that you have it easier than them just because you live in the imperial core#or how dare trans women say you have it easier than them because no matter what it'll always be your word against a tranny's#or you could just learn to be a little uncomfortable for a moment#and look at the situation for a second and say#''you know what? they're right to be frustrated!''#''and it's really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things if they're frustrated at me''#''especially if i'm being a prime example of the things they're getting frustrated about''#''i am not exempt from 'fuck 'em' when relevant''
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i was being so so so real when i said id make more katnep comics
#but this one isnt funny. >:)#it's SWEET#my art#fan art#homestuck#karkat#karkat vantas#nepeta#nepeta leijon#katnep#karnep#nepkat#i am not used to limiting my palette im still experimenting!#i hope the colors i chose arent stupid i think theyre nice#if no one can tell what's in the poster it's the miniature tigers album poster#idk i thought maybe shed like it idk#also if it's hard to read kk's apron it says#cull the gastrotechnician#ummm this is an au where they live together uhhhh and also trolls have beds ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#idk
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Blame @anniflamma
After that Odysseus and Poseidon drawing, i couldn't help but make some ManWhore Odysseus fanart for the Manwhore au uwu ofc though this drawing is very Demure, very Mindful. Look at how it's sfw and very acceptable to post on tumblr. Now what happens seconds after this drawing is for ya'll's minds do decide hehehheeh
#epic the musical#manwhore au#odysseus#manwhore odysseus#there are other ways of persuasion#fanart#teeheee#he's very demure#very mindful of what he's doing#look at how he saves his crew's lives via poise and tactic#very demure#very mindful#i am now tempted to make a manwhore polites
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cillian murphy accepting the award with his wife's lipstick all over his face and asking the crowd if he's got lipstick on his nose and continuing even when they said yes. this is making me feel. things
#cillian murphy#that was so. romance of him#like what do you MEAN he accepted a golden globe with his wifes lipstick all over his face#golden globes#WHO DOES THAT. THATS SO OLD SCHOOL LOVERBOY CODED WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN IT HAPPENED ON TELEVISION LIVE#i am ill
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The world is so obsessed with young ppl everything is about what the youth is doing. Everyday id mag is releasing an article on what young ppl in Tokyo are wearing what about middle aged ppl or old ppl who have lived long enough to know the patterns of humanity. Are they not interesting or what
#txt#like… idk how I could live my life where everywhere I look is always talking about young ppl and not my generation yknow what I mean?#like rn I’m fine cuz I’m also young the things that are talked about are relevant to me#but where I’m 45 how am I gonna know what’s hip with my crowd how do I find out??#maybe I’m just having weird thoughts lol
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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Just who are you, Councilor Medarda?
#i did not like her s2 arc so i am copium and living in s1 painter mel#mel medarda#arcane#my art#i have a LOT of thoughts on her and i wish she remained like. a normal person and not...whatever the magical stuff happened#it didnt develop smoothly enough for me to feel invested and left me just kind of. confused.#& i think that forgetting about Mels painting is leaving a huge interesting level to her character because art as a whole#can be used as a metaphor for the image for others to perceive vs how we perceive it ourselves...so for mel it would be herself#with the others perception being all of piltover. her mother. jayce. vik. lest. they all see her differently and mel herself i think#presents a different woman than what she is inside in favour of being 'diplomatic' and 'moving forward'#anyway thats just me rambling i jsut think there was a lot of melon left to thump in terms of her character#i loathe her trading in her signature colours for her mothers in the end
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