#i cant imagine myself with anyone else than you. it makes me nauseous to think about kissing or fucking someone else.

[nimomo-mo]

Vent

[marvinswriting]

Broken Arm

Tw: Major character death, reference (slight reference) to self harm- unrelated to the death dw im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im s- g/t mean girls

The air smelled of disinfectant mixed with depression. 

I couldn't tell if it was that or the pit of anxiety that was making me nauseous as I stare numbly at my arm, freshly casted. The bright lights and hushed voices of the hospital didn't feel real. Like, I knew I was here on Cady's shoulder, leaning against Aaron, but at the same time, I wasn't here.

Or I'd rather not be at least.

I hoped I could wake up from this nightmare. Any minute now Damian would nudge me awake, school day over or something. 

But this wasn't a dream because the pain was all too real.

I stare blankly down the hall. The hall where they rushed him.

Damian got hurt the worst.

My stomach tightened thinking about it.

Cady had her head in her hands mumbling about a concussion. Gretchen set with her hands folded neatly in her lap, looking out into nothingness. Both Karen and Regina were crying softly, looking shaken up.

The sound of doors slamming down the hall makes us all lookup.

Ms. Hubbard runs into the room, teary-eyed and bewildered.

"Where?"

Karen points down the hall. "They won't let anyone in."

"What happened?" She says after getting a good look at all of us. "Jesus are you all okay?"

It wasn't hard to see where Damian got his motherly instincts from. 

"Janis, your arm!"

Ms. Hubbard rushed over, promptly scooping me off Cady's shoulder.

"Know how they say tinies shouldn't ride unsecured on a shoulder when in a car? This is why." I motion to the cast. "Somebody blew through the intersection. Hit driver's side, right-right uh, where Damian was." I look. down, swallowing hard. "I fell."

"And this is why we have safety regulations. Who else got hurt?"

Mama Bear Hubbard went around the room making sure everyone was okay. It was a nice distraction from what was going on down the hall. For all of us.

"Cady, I'm very grateful you wore your seatbelt otherwise it could be worse than a concussion."

"Gretchen, I hope the scratch on your arm heals."

"Regina, maybe take a nap you'll feel better."

I couldn't help but smile.

Ms. Hubbard lifted me to her shoulder and I sat down as she found a seat next to Cady.

Everything felt harder with one arm, but one thing Damian takes after his mom is walking smoothly without bouncing or sudden jolts.

The waiting room was silent again.

It feels like we sit for hours.

Maybe it was.

It was probably only minutes.

A doctor emerged from the hallway where Damian was. 

Ms. Hubbard stands quickly, silently scooping me off her shoulder and handing me to Cady. She rushed over to the doctor and we all watch wordlessly.

We can't hear what they're saying but body langue isn't had to read in these situations. 

They talk for a bit before Ms. Hubbard's hand shoots to her mouth. 

The waiting room once filled with clicking of keyboards and buzzing of lights was now filled with gut-wrenching sobs.

Aaron wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. We all knew whatever news was coming couldn't be good.

I didn't want to hear it.

But I listened anyway.

A week.

They say he has a week.

At most.

He was awake but- in pain.

Ms. Hubbard was in the room right now talking.

Visiting hours for today would be over soon but if we all spoke for ten minutes each-

Ten minutes wasn't enough.

Ten minutes won't ever be enough.

I'd have more time tomorrow.

A week.

The news made my head spin.

I couldn't just have a week left with Damian.

We were supposed to have the rest of our lives.

We were fric and frac. You never saw one without the other.

It can't just be a week.

Ms. Hubbard stepped out of the room, glancing at all of us. If her teary-eyed expression mirrored our own, then we all looked like a mess. I felt like a mess.

"Janis," Aaron said softly, rubbing my uninjured arm. "You wanna go in first?"

I didn't, actually. I didn't want to go in at all. I didn't want to go in and have the situation solidified. I didn't-

"Yeah. I'll go."

Cady didn't move but Karen came over, lifting me gently off Cady's shoulder.

Aaron leaned back by Cady's neck as Karen walked away. 

The whole group looked distraught, I could only imagine what I looked like.

I looked down as Karen opened the door to the room. My finger trailed over my cast, as I looked everywhere other than the bed in front of us. 

"Hey, guys."

My head snaps up at the voice. Damian sounded in pain just to talk. The tears in my eyes were back.

I wasn't gonna cry in front of him.

He deserves better than that.

Damian didn't look like he had just been hit by a car. I don't know how I expected him to look. Maybe completely casted like in the cartoons. Instead, he just looked pale. There was a bandage on the side of his head right by his hairline and his entire left arm was wrapped up and gauzed. 

The side the car hit.

I swallow thickly, trying not to cry.

"You guys don't have to just stand by the door," Damian said with a humorless laugh.

"Right." Karen set me on the table next to the bed and silently waved a quick goodbye.

Despite the slow beeping of the heart monitor, the room felt deafening quiet.

"Hi," I say flatly.

Things were never weird around Damian before. We always knew just what to say to each other and when. But- I was at a loss.

What do you say when your best friend is dying in a hospital bed? 

There's no go-to small talk for that.

"You okay?" Damian asks me. His eyes don't have their usual shine and I force myself to look away.

"Yeah."

"You sure? I can't imagine your arm feels great."

"This isn't about me." I cross my arms over my chest, as best I can with the cast. 

"Janis," Damian frowns. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Damian! You're in a hospital bed and you're worried about me." I step backward, blinking violently to stop the tears from falling.

Damian smiled sadly. "I want to make sure you're okay. I'm dying there's nothing they can do."

"Don't say that."

"Janis, it's true."

"But you don't have to say it!" 

Damian doesn't say anything to counter my outburst, he just sits there quietly. 

It's almost worse.

Great.

My best friend is dying and I yelled at him.

I'm a shitty friend and a shitty person. 

Damian deserves so much better. So much more.

But I can't give it to him.

All I can do is yell and be a little bitch.

Maybe I shouldn't have come in.

This was a mistake.

I glare down at my boots, almost like it's their fault.

My vision is blurred with tears that I refuse to let fall.

"Jan?" Damian says after a while. 

I look up expecting to see anger because I yelled. Resentment, bitterness, something.

But there was none.

Damian looked at me sadly, more worried if anything.

"C'mere."

I step to the edge of the table as Damian reaches out. I can't imagine it doesn't hurt and a familiar pit of guilt forms in my stomach as normal when I'm being a nuisance.

Damian scoops me up gently and I try to ignore how his hands shake underneath me, or how they aren't as warm as normal. I try to ignore the way his face has lost all color. The way his eyes look dull and lost.

I try to ignore the fact that my best friend is fucking dying.

He holds me gently against his chest, something he has done so many times before. Whether it was to watch a movie on a Friday night or for a mid-day nap during the hot summers. But this was different.

His heartbeat was concerningly soft. The comforting beat was faint and dull.

Tears burning in my eyes again as I leaned backward into Damian's cupped hand.

He was dying.

My best friend was dying.

My giant was dying.

Damian was dying.

"I love you, Janis," He whispered, his fingers cupping around me more. "So so much."

It's futile to hold back the tears now. I try unsuccessfully anyway. "I love you too."

There are tears in Damian's eyes too and something about knowing he's crying too makes it so much harder to stop the flow of tears. I cover my mouth as I try to bite back a sob, being wildly unsuccessful. 

"Damian, I can't- I just-" 

My brain can't put together sentences.

Damian is dying.

It's the only coherent thought my brain can make. Like a broken record with the needle stuck on the same part.

Damian is dying. He's gonna die. There's nothing I can do to stop it or help. He's dying.

"Hey," Damian hold's me closer. "You're so strong. You'll be okay. You're the toughest person I know. You've been through so much and you will get through this. Okay? You're so brave and I know you'll be okay. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."

I don't respond. I can't make that promise. I cant-

"Janis. Please. Do it for me." Damian sounds so feeble, so scared, so broke.

To see Damian, the person who had always been my rock and safe place, the one with the level head who always knew what to do, look as lost as I did-

"I'll try. I promise." 

"Okay." He said softly. We didn't talk for a bit, we just sat there. I tried to convince myself it was like normal. Like any day I'm just held to Damian's chest. 

But it wasn't normal.

His breaths were shallow, my arm ached, and the unspoken goodbyes hung heavy in the room. 

There was a knock at the door after a while. Gretchen stood there. "It's been ten minutes."

"Oh, okay." Damian nodded, bringing his hand away from his chest.

I didn't want to leave.

Not yet.

I thought we had the rest of our lives to hang out. Not we only have a week.

At most.

Ten minutes isn't nearly enough.

"I'll be back tomorrow," I say, hugging his finger. "I love you."

"I love you too, Jan."

I let go and allow myself to get picked up by Gretchen, despite wanting to just stay and cry.

I can't bring myself to look back as we leave. Cady is waiting outside the room and steps in the second Gretchen walks out. 

The rest of the night is a big blur. I slumped against Regina the second I was lowered to one of the tables and for the most part, zoned out. But I couldn't sleep. The events of today flashed before my eyes every time I closed them. 

"Hey, Janis?" Regina nudged me. "You wanna stay with me for the night?"

My initial reaction was to say no and go home, but- 

I thought back to my promise I made to Damian. 

It would be easier not to hurt myself with somebody else around.

Besides, company didn't sound like the worst thing in the world right now. 

"Sure," I say softly. 

Regina stands, pulling me up with her. "Gretch is gonna drive us."

"Okay."

Gretchen lifts both of us as she brings her hand to her shoulder. 

I climb on numbly. My movements feel sluggish, like each limb has a fifty-pound dumbbell attached. 

We wave goodbye to Ms. Hubbard as we leave. She's driving Cady and Aaron home them coming back. Every part of me wanted to ask to stay with her. I know she'd say yes but- she needs time alone with her son.

I can't be selfish.

Karen is also getting a ride home from Gretchen and she holds Regina and I as Gretchen drives. No more on the shoulder when someone drives.

I spend the entire ride looking at my cast. The plastics around me talk but I don't pay attention. They don't expect me to. 

Regina and I get dropped off at the edge of tiny town. Its a bit of a walk to the George's and we treck in silence. 

It's dark out.

The tiny area of Northshore doesn't have many streetlights, but the lights from houses illuminate the sidewalk well enough.

I stop at my house first, grabbing a few things for an overnight trip. 

My parents aren't home.

I'm glad though. If I saw them right now I may start to cry all over again.

I think I've done a pretty good job of bottling up my feelings from today. Not that it's healthy. 

I can't have everyone worrying about me though. We have to worry about Damian. 

Tomorrow felt so far away.

We make it to the Geroge household and Regina turns to me, speaking softly. "I'm gonna go fill my mom in more. You know the way to my room. Make yourself comfy."

I nod, turning to the stairs. I hear Regina and Ms. George talking as I step into Regina's room.

It didn't change much since we were in eighth grade.

Our rooms used to be identically pink. Same bedspread, same pink-themed boy band posters, same fairy lights.

Then the pool party happened. 

My room changed drastically.

Regina's shed the old posters.

I toe off my boots leaving them at the foot of her bed and shed my jacket, letting it fall to the ground next to the books.

I flop back onto the plush mattress, the twinkling canopy of lights above me. 

Turning on my side and bringing my feet up to curl into a ball, I'm mindful of my arm, trying to ignore the way it aches.

If today went as planned- what would I be doing right now?

I'd be with Damian obviously.

My eyelids feel heavy but I can't sleep. I don't want to replay the memories of earlier.

I don't want to even think of the nightmares that could stem from it.

We had been so happy.

I was on Damian's shoulder bickering about him playing more broadway songs.

"Driver gets aux. Not only does the driver get aux, but this is also my car, Jan."

"But-"

Damian chuckled shrugging his shoulder a bit, making me lose my balance.

"Hey!"

Cady grinned at us from the passenger seat. "Today was fun guys!"

"I agree," Karen said.

The skies were turning shades of purple as Damian drove home. The gang had spent the day a couple of towns over just exploring. It was the little things like that where they had the most fun.

Damian flicked on his headlights. "I didn't think we would stay that long." He says honestly.

"Yeah, who knew exploring a town square could be a full-day event!" Aaron said from his spot in Cady's hands.

I grinned leaning against Damian's neck.

The plastics sat in the back seat talking amongst themselves, Damian or Cady occasionally chiming in. 

Despite my very clear opposition to it, show tunes were playing softly through the speakers. 

I look out the driver's side window at all the houses we passed. People sat on front porches talking, others walked their dogs.

We were on the main road so all roads we intersected with had the stop sign, not us.

That made it easier for me as the tiny. I didn't have to worry about stopping short and going flying. 

It happened so fast, none of us really had time to react.

Gretchen made some offhanded remark about the music and how it was "Janis's favorite". 

I scoff, glancing out the window-

-only to see headlights.

"Janis." 

I jump, Regina had walked into the room. 

"Sorry, got lost in thought."

"I figured." 

I sat up, swinging my feet over the edge of the bed as Regina sat next to me. "You okay?"

"As okay as I can be."

Regina tsks, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me closer. It's one of those times where you know talking won't do anything so you don't try. 

The headlights.

The impact.

The pain.

Damian.

It was all slowly catching up.

I look at my arm. "Today didn't feel real."

"I know," Regina said softly. "I know."

My phone rings from where I left it still in my jacket and we both jump.

I fish it out of the pocket, frowning at the caller ID. "It's Damian's mom."

"Pick up."

"Right."

I raise the phone to my ear, my mind racing through all the possible reasons Ms. Hubbard could be calling.

I just hoped it wasn't-

There was crying on the other end.

-that.

"Hello?" I say shakily. 

"Janis, the doctors were wrong. They- he- oh god. Damian-" There's a breath on the other end and I feel like I'm gonna puke from anxiety. "Damian died. He-"

For a second I think I misheard her.

"Wait- what?"

Then there are tears on the other end.

I didn't mishear.

Ms. Hubbard talks some more but-

I'm not listening.

I didn't mishear. I didn't mishear. I didn't mishear.

I had to have misheard.

But I didn't.

The phone in my ear feels like a dull buzz. My brain isn't understanding what Ms. Hubbard is saying.

It didn't make sense.

We were supposed to have a week.

I was supposed to see him tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

We don't get a tomorrow.

Damian is gone.

The realization clicks and it feels like a punch to the gut.

No.

I sink to the floor, my phone falling out of my hand. Its the least of my worries right now.

No.

The world around me doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel important. I'm vaguely aware of Regina by my side, pulling me into a hug and talking on my phone. 

No.

I'm vaguely aware of the tears falling from my cheeks. I'm vaguely aware of the way they hit Regina's shoulder, the mascara staining the designer fabric.

I don't care enough to pull away.

I don't care at all.

I went from spending the rest of my life with my best friend, to a week, to never seeing him again.

In a matter of hours.

It didn't feel real.

But if it hurt this much when it didn't sink in- then I don't want it to sink in.

Regina placed my phone down, her arms wrapping tightly around me as my body shakes with sobs.

Only four hours ago we were trying out different ice cream flavors a town over.

We were making fun of Gretchen and Regina, posing like basic white girls for the camera. 

But now-

I'm dimly aware of Regina talking but my brain cant process.

Damian's dead.

My best friend.

My other half.

The person who would stand by me for life.

Someone I could always count on.

Someone I love.

Was dead.

"He's gone." I whisper, my voice thick with tears.

"I know." Regina sounds just as broken as I bury my face in her shoulder.

"He can't be gone."

"He is."

We stop talking after that. We're still in the middle of Regina's bedroom floor but the thought of moving right now feels unbearable. 

Doing anything right now feels unbearable.

What's the point?

He's gone.

He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

It physically hurt.

I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe.

Each shallow inhale was met with forceful cries.

He's gone.

Regina hugs me tighter as another sob escapes my mouth.

I know it's late and for the sake of others in the George household I should try and quiet down but-

Damian's gone.

I feel a spot of wetness through my shirt and realize- Regina is crying too.

Who wouldn't? Damian is gone.

The mom of the friend group, the light whenever one of us was sad, the only one who was willing to stick up for tinies regardless if he knew them or not. He was sweet to everyone, and always welcoming. 

That was rare in Northshore.

Now it's gone.

Now he's gone.

My mind kept saying it but it didn't feel real.

He couldn't be.

No.

Damian was my rock. I needed him. He needed me. We needed each other. What am I supposed to do now? 

He cared when no one else did.

He made me feel loved and important when no one else would.

Even as I sat here in Regina's arm, I never felt more alone. 

More lost.

Damian was dead.

I wouldn't get to see him tomorrow- I wouldn't get to see him ever again.

"Regina-"

"Shhh, I know." Her fingers ran through my hair gently removing the knots from the day. "I know."

But she didn't.

She wasn't there when I hit rock bottom. She wasn't there when Damian was. She didn't know how much I needed him.

I slump into Regina, completely drained of tears. She continues her work on my hair, it would be a lot quicker if she had a brush but- it felt nice.

"I miss him," I say bitterly. With the tears out, I felt angry. Angry at the world for doing this. Angry at the driver for blowing through an intersection. Angry at myself for not doing more. Not being able to do more.

"Hey, stop that." Regina says suddenly, grabbing my nonbroken arm.

Huh? 

Oh.

I had been scratching my thigh without even thinking about it.

My fishnets were ripped and four long red lines stood in their place.

It didn't come close to breaking the skin, but Regina gently held my hand anyway. "Remember your promise to Damian."

"How?"

"He wanted to make sure you were okay, no matter what happened. I mean- we all do- but you know Damian."

"Yeah," I say softly. Of course, Damian was more worried about me even-

Even on his death bed.

Because he’s dead now.

He’s gone.

I frown, pulling away from Regina. 

"I'm tired."

She nods. "Okay, you go to bed, I gotta- make a few calls, okay?"

"Okay."

I don't bother to change into the pajamas I brought, I just flop down on Regina's bed.

I can almost hear Damian telling me to change out of my fishnets and remove my contacts and take off my makeup- all the things I should do.

But the second I'm lying down- there's no getting up again.

I don't want to ever get up again.

He's gone.

Damian is gone.

He couldn't be.

It wasn't real.

I had to wake up from whatever hellish nightmare this was.

I look down at my cast.

A painful reminder of reality.

A painful reminder of today.

I twist so I'm on my back with my cast resting on my chest as Regina leaves the room, leaving the door cracked behind her. 

"Hey Cady, I have news. Aaron with you?"

guys- listen. this could be the angstiest shit ever or not at all- ive read it so many times im desensitized. So yeah, sorry if  broke your heart, ill try harder next time if I didnt. now who wants fluff? or tiny swap p2 lmao @realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons

[thegirlwithwngs]

Bat girls - chapter 2

Find  chapter one here: https://thegirlwithwngs.tumblr.com/post/627502472423964672/bat-girls

 Again, please be nice. I’m learning as I go and English is my second language. And any tips on how to better write conversations are very welcome!

I heard someone chuckle behind me. “Girl, you fucked up.” I tried looking over my shoulder, but my wings blocked the view. My heart pounded in my chest. Was it someone from my camp? It had to be. But I didn’t recognize the voice. The possibilities were endless, but none of them were good. A lone traveler who strayed of the path, a monster who could mimic a human voice, or maybe other camps had started to look for me as well.

There was a rustle of leaves, a loud boom, and a thud on the branch where the talons of my wings had gotten stuck. The owner of the voice had somehow gotten up to the branch in one big jump. No, not a jump. One flap of their wings. I looked up to the Illyrian sitting on the branch, the huge membranous wings behind them,  looking at me with a smirk.  “Need a hand?”

Now that I could see her and heard her voice again, I realized that she was female. A female who dared to fly, and curse, and be alone in the woods. I was so shocked I almost forgot to grip her hand. She was strong, stronger than any female I’d ever known. With one pull she nearly flung me over the branch. The muscles in my back were in worse pain than I could’ve ever imagined. I tried to get my talons out of the wood, but in the time I had hanged there they had gotten in to deep.

The female was still looking at me with that smirk that seemed to be branded on her face. “Are you going to ask for my help, or have they cut your tongue out?” she asked me, clearly amused by my struggle. Everything about her threw me of guard. She reminded me of the males in my camp, after they had gone through the blood rite and had joined a war-band. Like she could take on the world, and she knew it.

“I…I…I cant get them out.” I said, my voice trembling. “So you can talk! Cauldron bless us all, that makes things easier.” The female said with mocking voice. I cringed a bit, part of me wanted to say that I was not some helpless little girl, but I knew the evidence was against me. The female did seem the notice. “I’m sorry, I’m just kidding. Are you okay with me touching your wings?” her voice softened and her hands hovered near my wings, waiting for my consent.

I nodded, and with a gentle but firm grip the female jerked my talons out of the wood. I realized that no one else besides me and maybe my mother had ever touched my wings, and only than it had ever been to bathe them. I never really paid attention to how sensitive they were, and even the slight touch of the female send butterflies trough my stomach.

My wings were free, but I didn’t have the energy to tuck them in, and I let them rest on the branch. The female grabbed  a pack from underneath her cloak and started talking. “I’ve actually been looking for you, you know? The others told me I shouldn’t, and that I would put myself in danger but I couldn’t help myself. Those bastards following you made it difficult, and you actually did a good job leading them away from you. I followed the scent of your blood as well, only to notice that you where going in to the opposite direction. How did you manage to do that?” she asked, while unpacking food and a bottle of liquid and putting it on the branch between us.

My cheeks heated at the memory, but she waited for me to answer. “It is my first bleeding.” I softly said, and I knew I was turning as red as the morning sun. “And I knew they could smell my blood, so I… I tied a piece of the cloth I had used to a piece of wood and threw it in the river.” I didn’t dare to look up out of embarrassment.

But the female laughed, she laughed so hard the branch shook. “That’s bloody brilliant! Emphasis on the bloody!” she said while trying to catch her breath. “You’re a survivor, I like it.”  She handed me a piece of bread and the bottle of liquid. I was suddenly very aware of the cracks in my lips, the dry scratch in my throat, and the rumbling in my stomach. Without thinking or even waiting I grabbed it and nearly drank half the bottle in one sip. The female look at me. “But you are pretty naïve for a survivor.” She said watching me swallow the bread without chewing. It was not until after she said it that I had taken food and drink from a stranger. And maybe I didn’t even care at this point. I had spent the previous hours dangling from a branch like an overgrown sausage for the monsters in this forest, and I had made my peace with whatever fate would kill me, if it was poison, then so be it. And almost as if in a dare I grabbed the next piece of bread and started chewing while making eye contact with the female.

She grinned at me. “Here’s the deal. I can leave you here with what is left from the food. It should be enough for two days, maybe three if you don’t swallow it whole like that. And after that it is up to you to survive, and maybe we will meet again. Or I can take you with me. I’ll leave at sundown, with or without you.”

“where will you take me?” I asked. “I can’t tell you that, staying hidden is a big part of survival. But I can tell you that your odds are better with me. For the rest, you will just have to trust me.” The female folded her arms in front of her chest, waiting for my response.  

I didn’t think she would take me back to my camp, or any other camp. No camp leader would trust a female enough to send them to retrieve me alone. And her wings weren’t clipped. I heard the High Lord had forbidden it centuries ago but with most camps there weren’t enough visits from the High Lords court to make sure it didn’t happen. And now, with a new ruler in Prythian, the one who called herself High Queen.  Nearly every camp had started to clip the wings of their females again.

No, there was no way this female belonged to a camp. But why had she been looking for me? And why be kind enough to offer me food and help? Maybe she belonged to something worse then an Illyrian camp. I couldn’t even imagine where she might be from. I had never set foot outside my camp until a few days ago.

She wasn’t looking at me anymore. Instead she was scanning the forest around her, her head leaning back against the tree, while letting her legs swing from side to side next to the branch. I had never seen any female like her. Even with her cloak there was no doubt in my mind that she was very muscular. Her hair wasn’t long like the females in my camp, but shorn short enough that it was nothing more than a black shadow on her tanned skin. She had called me a survivor, but if anyone of us was able to survive it was her. Her eyes met mine again. Both our eyes where hazel, like most Illyrians, but hers were a bit more brown than mine.

The moment we made eye contact I realized there was no other option. I would go with her. I had no clue how to survive, and if I stayed her I would sooner or later die. Even if she had some devious plan with me, it was still an ‘if’ and not a ‘when’. “I’ll leave with you at night fall.”

The female got up and jumped down the branch, as if it we weren’t at least four meters high. “Come on, you might want to stretch your legs, we have a long flight ahead of us.” She called up to me. “I can’t jump down like that, and I certainly can’t fly!” Only the idea of being up there in the sky made me nauseous. “Yes you can, you are a badass Illyrian who managed to survive for four days while being hunted. You can manage a little jump. Just tuck your arms and legs in while you jump and bend your knees when you land.” She made it sound so simple, but I hesitated again. Fear colliding in my stomach. “Or you can climb down, but I’m going to look for a good spot to take off and I’m not waiting.” She started walking backwards slowly walking backwards. With the thickness of the forest she would be out of sight in seconds. I had no choice but to jump.

I got up, balancing on the branch with my knees trembling. Arms and wings in tight. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. And another deep breath. And another. And I jumped.

I didn’t have time to think about opening my eyes, or being afraid. It all went so fast. Too fast. I was waiting for my body to hit the ground, probably breaking some bones. But my fall was interrupted. The female had caught me mid air and put me down slowly. “You didn’t bend your knees.” Was all she said before walking off again. I stumbled after her.

“I still can’t fly!” I said, catching my breath while trying to keep up with her tempo, and wrapping my mind around what just happened. “Don’t worry, I’ll carry you tonight. And just so you know, learning how to fall is the first lesson in learning how to fly.” She didn’t even look at me. It was almost infuriating. She seemed to know exactly what was going on and I was absolutely clueless. I was like a baby deer trying to keep up with a mighty stag.

I had always learned to keep my calm. Anger and fighting was meant for males. Just as flying. I was reminding myself of my composure, not looking where I put my feet, and I fell face first in the muddy leaves on the forest floor. The female in front of me just snorted a laugh and waited for me to get up.

And I was done. I was completely done with all this. “You could just help me you know? Instead of laugh. I spent the last four days in absolute horror, running away from my home and my family and my friends, all alone in this horrible forest. I smell like a sewer. My entire body hurts. I’m so desperate I’m following you without even knowing your name. And you are laughing at me.” My talking had turned in to yelling at  some point, and there were tears running down my face.

The female had turned to me. “Aïda. now you know my name. But the ones whos names you know, the ones you call your family and friends are out to kill you right now. If I have bad intentions, you knowing my name will not stop me.” She reached her hand to me and I grabbed it. “Keep that fire burning, girl. You will need it to survive. But make sure the right people are getting burned by the heath.”

Night was falling while we made our way through the forest, looking for the right spot to take off. I had a big clearing in mind, but Aïda stopped at a spot where the trees were just a bit further apart, and you could see the sky through a small opening in the roof of leaves. The bright crimson of the sunset was slowly fading into a deep purple.

“You can fly through that?” I asked her. “I like a challenge.” Aïda said, that smirk again on her face. “Are you ready to go to my secret liar of torture and pain?” I almost stopped breathing, but then I realized this was just her twisted sense of humor, so I just gave her a look. “Good, you are a quick learner. Let’s go.”

She stepped closer and put one hand around my waist and the other underneath my knees, ready to lift me of the floor. “I just realized. I never even told you my name!” I said to Aïda. “Oh no! You’re family must be shocked and ashamed of your lack of good manners! Lucky for you girl, I already know your name. I heard your father call you over and over again two nights a go.” again that sarcastic tone in her voice that I slowly began to get used to. “Then why do you keep calling me girl?” “Until you stop acting like a little girl, and start being the bad bitch you actually are, I will keep calling you girl.”

And with that she lifted me and we shot to the sky.

[hbreotl]

               To you, though you'll never read this:            

I just… I can’t stop thinking about you. I have so many questions. I have so many assumptions I would much rather be wrong. But I have one certainty, which is that our time as each others official lovers is over. Thanks to you. Was I not good enough to even try for? Why did you just go quiet? And why, when you came back after so long, would you lead me on? Call me beautiful that glorious third time. Call me babe again. Tell me you still love me. Was it all pity? I mean, at the end. And WHEN did it end for you? WHY did you deny it? WHY did you make me feel crazy for knowing what you really thought? I don’t understand. You said we weren’t intimate enough… but it had been fine up until you disappeared! You never brought it up to me before that. You never tried to work it out. You never wanted me to help you. I know you better than anyone else in the world, and I still can’t for the life of me figure out why you ended it like this…. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know you were trying to do the right thing. I know you still care, but you really suck at showing it. It fucking sucks. I feel like I can’t live without you. When I told you you were my world, I wasn’t lying. When I told you you were the Moon to my Sun, my favorite person in the world, the one I’ll love forever and always, my soulmate… I wasn’t lying. It hurts so badly. So, so, so badly. I can’t look through my phone because you’re all over it. Old conversations from 4 am when we were both sleepy but loved each others company too much to pass out, and I would ask you questions to make you think and you pretended you hated it. Or when we would get risky, and do things we weren’t supposed to do. Or all the times we were vulnerable with each other. When we told each other things no one else knew. When we would tell each other for HOURS about how much we lived each other, and how our life together would be, what we would be like married, when you helped me pick out my dress… When you told me you thought about me all the time and I was your everything and you loved me more than anything in the whole multiverse… I can’t bring myself to delete them. They mean too much to me. You mean too much to me. And I can’t bear it. Knowing you aren’t mine, and probably never will be again. Knowing that in the end it was all a lie. Or atleast, most of it. Knowing I still slip up and call you my boyfriend on accident when I talk to myself in the mirror about you. Feeling my heart turn to dust over and over again. Feeling its beat like a clenched fist was trying to strangle it. My eyes boiling with hot tears every other hour. The lonely nights where I realize how sad and pathetic I really was before you. How much I really hated myself. The lonely nights where I wish you were still the moon to my sun. Where I think for hours and hours about how I’m going to stay true to my word. I’m always yours. I promised you I would wait til the end of time if I had to. And how it seems like I will. Today, I renounced sweets. You know, I haven’t really been eating much at all lately, because all of it makes me nauseous, but I walked into a bakery with all my favorite desserts, and I gagged and puked and got dizzy and my breath quickened. Everyone who knows me knows that sweets are one of my favorite things in the world. Hell, I was basically a binge eater for YEARS. But the amount of emotional distress I’m in has literally killed me and changed me so much.. I can barely eat half a plate of food without getting sick to my stomach. I’ve tried every trick in the book to make myself feel better. I’ve even tried your advice. I’ve done countless hours of research trying to fix myself but I can’t. I’m forever fucked. It’s hurting my relationships with my family and friends. It’s killing me every day. How could you just leave like that?! You said you’d never leave. That you’d always be there for me. But you weren’t even there for the last month of us being together! And I tried! I tried so hard! I brought it up time and time again. “I’m sorry. I love you!!” Fuck you. And how dare you say you still love me. Do you know how much harder this makes everything?! How much worse I feel?! Hell, even the love of my life can’t stay for me, and he loves me! I’m a fucking disaster. I’m broken. I’ve been broken for most of my life. I cant remember a time that I wasn’t. But you made things better for me! You were the one thing in my life that was ALWAYS good. That I could ALWAYS rely on. But… you left me. And god I wish you’d read our old texts. I wish you’d think about me constantly. I wish it was killing you too. It’s not fair. Why do I have to hurt, while I STILL shelter you!?! STILL. Why do I still love you just as much as I always did?! Why has nothing changed?! Why do you have my heart, mind, body and soul still?! You don’t even want them anymore! Why would I do anything you ask of me?! WHY WHY WHY?! WHY DO I STAY UP UNTIL 7 AM THINKING ABOUT YOU?! Why did you have to do this!?!? We had a PLAN. We had a COMMITMENT. We had a BOND. You’re so fucking stupid but I love you so fucking much. I love you. I love you, so so much. So much more than you could imagine. Yes, I still say that. And no, you really can’t. Not now. Although, I would love for you to be able to again. I would love to hear you say my name one more time. Call me babe, princess, baby, love, darlin’, Sun, goddess, call me every thing all the time! Spam our thread with emojis to show your love! Write spontaneous poetry with me at 3 am! Write me my goodnight texts! Write me the good morning texts! Tell me how you’ll make me scream with pleasure! Tell me your top 10 reasons you love me this month! Tell me how cute my voice is so I don’t grow to hate it again! Tell me how pretty my blonde hair is! Tell me you like my way with words! Stay up with me until the birds are chirping just talking about nerdy shit, or having a deep 18 hour conversation! Tell me all your secrets! Play with your kitties on cam! Tease me about my height! Show me those gorgeous eyes! Love me again. Please. You say you do now, but I’ve seen your love and this isn’t it. Please. Please, babe, I beg you. I know I’m pathetic. I know I hurt you. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to be aquatinted! I asked you to be my best friend, and you said you’d want to keep in touch. Those are two wildly different things, even though you put an inside joke in with it. So I know we won’t get to stay friends like we were before, huh? I would love to, though. It would hurt me, but atleast you aren’t gone completely, right? Not again? If you can’t be with me, then be my best friend. You know more about me than anyone else. You’re my favorite person. I would do ANYTHING for you. If you don’t want to give into my pleading (which, so far, you haven’t), then I’ll have to just settle for second best, right? You’ll let me have atleast that, right? I’m going to try. I’m going to stand by you. I’m going to endure the worst emotional pain of my life to try to keep you in it. I’m going to fight tooth and nail, like I said. I have downloaded iFunny, and I have followed all your favorite meme pages, I’m finishing Dragon Ball Super, I’m keeping up with some of your friends. I’m doing everything I can possibly think to do to keep you with me even a little. I remember our patterns, do you? We become close friends, and we always fall in love again. We are meant to be, we just met too early, right?! We will see. But I will make everything we said and promised true one day, if I can. So, let’s toast! To a broken hearted,destroyed, pathetic girl And The most punishing angel in the world ❤️ May their friendship last forever! And let her wish come true. Be her one and only, one day. Far, far from now…