#what a year we’ve had this month
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Well… I’m ready for 2025. See y’all in 10 months, I’m going the fuck to sleep for 43 weeks.
Bye! Muah!
We gave it our best shot. I am simply tired (and a bit ready to go apeshit if one more thing goes wrong)
#what a year we’ve had this month#vent#tired of this shit#I’m in grad school and it just gets worse from their#this year is homophobic and ableist#at least I’ve started meds#non stimulant adhd meds because I don’t have a diagnosis yet even though my counselor is sure I have it#universities are weird#over sharing in the tags#sleepy masters student#AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH#(it’s not just school I have to do the grief thing now too)
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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don’t you love it when ur friend forgets about u and ignores ur existence the second she’s near her best friend
#/sarcastic#but ugh i feel like an idiot#like yes i understand she’s ur best friend ur super close u know each others deepest darkest secrets u have inside jokes etc#but why the fuck are u completely ignoring me??#no eye contact not a single word to me and i have not idea what u guys are talking ab and im RIGHT HERE#like i know im short but i know u can fucking see me#the past few weeks have been nice we’ve hung out a few times and talked and it’s good#but the second her bestie is there is like i don’t exist#like am i missing something?? i know her bestie doesn’t hate me bc she said hi and hugged me#but she was also low key ignoring me and not including me in the conversation so i’m also annoyed with her#tbh from now on i won’t initiate convos with her like idc im sick of feeling like she’s only friends with me as a last resort#bc fun fact: we didn’t talk much for about 2 years and then out of the blue asks if we want to hang out months after she had a fight with#someone and lost all her friends except like 3#so idc i don’t wanna drag this on anymore#ok rant over time to enjoy my boba#ani’s stuff
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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i said i wouldn’t do it this time but it’s 3am and mods asleep. boy
#welcome to another episode of Luke is insane abt hockey boy!#this time featuring a guy who is actually this time almost (ALMOST) confirmed to be queer#the almost is partly me being insane because I don’t trust anything anymore#but like. there are only so many reasons you wear pride converse. that is not ally behaviour#it just threw me this time I think bc I’d been like no. heterosexual. bc I think I became aware of him when he joined the real hockey team#because the OTHER problem is that the whole time I’d been thinking he was cute as hell (bc he is) and simultaneously being like no. bad.#anyway this meant that I have actually talked to him a bunch without overthinking it this term which honestly has been very cool#not like a whole lot but we’ve played together a decent amount and hopefully will keep doing that#and yesterday discovered hes recommending other people talk to me abt goalieing which is insane to me bc I am truly not that good#but apparently I made an impression!#anyway it does not help that this guy has gotten incredibly good at hockey in the past few months#idk man I make bad decisions (I say as if this was a decision) bc it is now the end of term once again <3#which means absolutely nothing can or will happen until after summer. which isn’t an issue#I’m just frustrated by my tendency to realise these things right before I’m about to not see the guy for X period of time#I also desperately need to stop crushing on hockey boys I swear but in my defence that is the main way I meet people#I think I’m cursed actually. that would explain many things#anyway he also has exams until next Tuesday which means he’ll be at hockey next week but idk abt this week which is devastating#i just wanna have talk to the guy more honestly to see how that goes bc we’ve not rlly talked individually for an extended time yknow.#in other words we have not had A Conversation it’s been groups or like quicker exchanges#he’s kinda quiet but i can’t quite tell which way yknow. I know he’s Watching basically all the time. and he is slightly awkward#which is also kinda cute. he gets a lil rambly when he talks abt hockey and I wanna push that button more#i. topsy if you’re reading this you’re gonna laugh so hard I just realised. he’s captain of the team now.#which sidenote is INSANE bc he started playing with them THIS YEAR#but oh my god. okay.#anyway. I need to start complimenting guys more for multiple reasons but also#1. he dresses very cool 2. he caught me looking at his shirt last week without saying anything (BEFORE I caught the rainbow converse)#i compliment women on their clothes and jewellery and hair and shit all the time but I do not with men bc. I mean do I need to explain.#but this is so unfair I am haunted by existence of boy and here we are once again. posting on tumblr with the possibility of seeing him lik#two more times before summer. might be three or four depending on what he comes to#luke.txt
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there is no feeling worse in the world than missing your grandma :/
#she died two months before my eighth birthday#and every time i realize i’ve lived well over half my life without her i go a little bit insane bc that just doesn’t feel right#like soooo many of my favorite memories are with her how is it possible she was only in my life for less than eight years#my grandpas on both sides died before i was born so all i’ve ever had is my grandmas#and there’s also the horrible guilt i feel all the time knowing my other grandma is still alive but i rarely ever see her#but when i was a kid she lived an hour and a half away from us and this grandma lived around the corner#so we saw her all the time and every christmas fourth of july etc that whole side of my extended family would all go to her house#she moved into that house when my mom was 2 years old and lived there for the rest of her life so 40 years#and when she went into hospice care her one request was to die in that house surrounded by her kids and grandkids so that’s what happened#my parents bought the house after she died but we lived there for less than 2 years before moving to arizona#they’re both from colorado but they met in arizona and me and my sisters were born here#and the main reason we moved back to colorado in the first place was to be near her#but when we moved again my parents sold the house to our neighbors who had two daughters that my sisters and i grew up with#and they’re still our family friends to this day and we used to go on trips to national parks together every summer#we didn’t see them for maybe five years but then two summers ago their older daughter got married and we went to her wedding#which got us talking about how long it had been since our last trip so we went on another one last summer#this has turned into a tangent but it just makes me so happy that they’re still in our lives#and this great family we’ve known almost my entire life is living in my grandma’s house#she had a pool in her backyard which is super common here in az but not so much in colorado#and she let us invite these girls over all the time to swim so they grew up spending almost as much time in that house as we did#last time we were in colorado we went to have dinner with them and swim and it was like being transported back to my childhood#that house is just so special to me and i felt so blessed to be able to go back there since this family bought it instead of strangers#in a perfect world everything would align in a way that would let me buy it when i’m older and have my own family there#i’ve never had a strong attachment to any other house we’ve lived in but that one will always be my grandma’s house in my mind#i just love and miss her so much she was the most amazing grandma i ever could have asked for#my mom still has a lot of her childhood friends on facebook and whenever she would post pictures of me and my sisters as kids#everyone would comment that i looked exactly like my grandma did when she was a kid and that makes me so so happy#anyway. idk. i just miss her sm she was an angel and i’m so happy she was such a big part of my childhood#lj.txt
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i just ordered promise rings for my boyfriend and i for christmas and i am literally buzzing with excitement
the rings glow in the dark and they’re from the seller Duostones on Etsy!!
#if you don’t know what a promise ring is it’s#‘a declaration of commitment’#we’ve been together for one year and two months and he’s just the best thing that’s ever happened to me#not to be emo on main but he’s my only true friend I’ve ever had#and I just wanna get us something really nice<3
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Things I did today:
My job while half the dept was out—so really I did my job and my coworker’s job
Reached out to people I hadn’t talked to in FOREVER (lovely but still socially exhausting)
Confirmed a meeting for a Thing tomorrow
Asked 3 separate people for references for said Thing (not sharing yet because I am nervous/trying not to give away too much identifying info lol) and got yes-es from 2
Picked up my online order from a local bookstore which was all my xmas gifts for my family
Did 2 loads of laundry so I can wear what I want this week to the: 1 xmas party, 1 best friend hang, 1 punk show, 1 date with The Girl, and something else I’m sure I’m forgetting
Made a batch of homemade fudge for season gifts
Showered and ate 3 meals and took my meds
#tooting my own horn okay#i was so sick and laid low last week I could honestly do/eat/think about nothing#but all my gift shopping is done and my weekend is jam packed but now I can just vibe and enjoy it#for real I think I was so unwell for so long that now when I have what an average person would accomplish in an average day I’m like#‘whooooa so THIS is my brain on antidepressants’#anyways my family we always gift each other books we are pathological#this lit obsession of mine is nature and nurture mkay#and my mom makes xas fudge every year and it is a HIT so I like to make it too#also trying to be lowkey but I’ve been talking to this girl for a couple months and we’ve gone out a few times and I really like her sooooo#and I had pizza for dinner so great monday all around
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugl#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fuckin#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half o#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like…#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jf#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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i hate going “hey i might not be up to hanging out im just not doing well mentally” but also i know if im either constantly panicking or completely out of it while we’re hanging out then it won’t go well
#got into a fight with my mum because she was like ‘well why r u still scared when we’re not seeing massive waves and hospitals aren’t#overrun and this 80 year old family friend has had it three times and is fine every time#and do you look at what people who don’t have the same opinion of you are saying’#my response to this was ‘no I do look at the scientific articles that come out though and most of the ones about covid are finding it does#damage to multiple parts of the body’#like. i already have fibromyalgia. we’ve removed the cancerous tumor but i still have iodine radiation and have to hope the cancer cells#they found in my blood vessels didn’t go far enough to spread and if they did that the iodine destroys them#like. is a kid with fibromyalgia not enough. im not doing chemo so it’s fine right just get me sick#does she not fucking remember how it destroyed her husband. she watched it we all fucking watched for weeks as he withered away from this#fucking disease#and then everything we didn’t see we got in twice daily calls from the hospital as they told us how his kidneys failed and they were excited#when he could breathe on his side for two hours instead of just on his stomach and then it killed him#am i the only one in the household who remembers seeing my dad as a barely breathing corpse when we forced him to go to the hospital because#he couldn’t say three words or walk a few steps without panting like he’d just done a sprint#im tired of her making me feel crazy for not wanting this disease im not irrational or insane for this i promise i promise im not#im tired of her coming in 5 minutes after i leave an argument going ‘don’t be angry with me. it’s just that-‘ and then making my only safe#place in this house a part of the argument too#fuck it it’s fine I’m out in a few months anyway#vent tw#sittin g in a corner rn so that the only open space is in front of me and i can pull my legs up to my chest and my fan is on and my windows#are open and im tired of being called crazy and paranoid and irrational#covid tw
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that news article saying lord huron is filming a music video for “who laughs last” (woah new song title??) this week in santa clarita first of all. gonna pass out. but also- actually maybe i should keep my thoughts to myself
#don’t worry guys no one can find me in the tags. if this truly does mean that the album cycle is gonna start in late january and go until#may before dropping. i’m gonna be in agony aldjaksjkf like what do you mean a full year of teasing. that’s a little bit silly. like i don’t#know at this point what i want or what would make me insane . actually i do i think it would be sick if we got a single this month#and then one in january/february/march before the album in april. because at this point im okay not getting the whole album at#once unexpectedly. like we’ve simultaneously had too much and too little teasing. so i’m good with a few months of singles! but if we’re#still 6 months away from this album i might have to drive off a bridge#i might make this unrebloggable i don’t want to drag down anyone who’s still super excited im just a little tired#excited! but tired.#like if this had started in 2023 after they played the comedian then it would’ve been insane bc it would’ve been so unexpected. but they se#this precedent of new albums every 3 years (which to be fair is our fault for just assuming) and then that timeline comes and goes. and the#the teasers start but they’re inconsistent in length and time etc and there’s no other news for 6+ months… it gets tiring. and only NOW is#there confirmation that they’re filming a music video (which indicates a single)??? and i know i know they could’ve filmed other things#without us knowing and they could drop news of a single tomorrow for all we know and we should be grateful for any new music but i’m just!!#getting!!!! impatient :( okay back to grocery planning bye everyone
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lowkeyartist!sukuna who makes videos in his room to post on his instagram. Most of it is just him making new tunes that would most definitely be sampled by an artist sooner or later, while some are covers.
But I think what people mostly know him for is the different lady - or ladies - they see in the background sleeping in his bed. His name on twitter grows hectic whenever they see the girls in the back in some of his videos, slamming and dragging his name. Regardless, he stays radio silent on it.
It’s not until a song that had used one of his vids for a sample went popular and he begrudgingly goes live on instagram for his first Q&A due to popular demand. The questions flood in when his fans realise it’s not bullshit and he actually is there to talk with them.
And, like true Sukuna signature, there’s a mystery lady in his sheets behind him. The live notices immediately when he shifts a little to the edge giving them a glimpse of you, almost like he wants them to see.
“Does it wobble? Don’t make me end this live,” he says sternly, trying to subtly read questions that aren’t about you behind him in the chat. He finds it funny how the whole internet has been in an uproar this past year due to your constant impulse on making your hair look different every other month - different girls, like he’d ever, the thought makes him scoff.
“Why do you bring over so many girls? what do you mean? It’s just one,” he teases, his head turning over his shoulder to peek at you - yep, still sleeping.
His taunts to the questions have everyone on edge, and you’re just peacefully in dreamland. His scowl deepens when he sees many people question his honesty on the last answer, so he finally breaks and he reveals the long awaited truth.
“It’s just one girl because it’s my fiancé, we’ve been together since I started this shit,” he leans back in his chair, relief flowing through his veins now that everyone knows, “why does she look different all the time? My girl’s just impulsive.”
#was listening to decode and thought of this for some reason#jjk x reader#jjk#jjk imagine#sukuna x reader#sukuna#sukuna fluff
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Me when I used an expired spread and my food tastes weird
#like idk what I expected#but it also isn’t that old it’s like#a month off#and it’s like. heavily preserved we’ve had this for years#but oh well I guess
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If I had a nickel for every time a person I considered a really close friend just randomly decided to end the friendship with no real reason, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice, right?
#I’m so tired what is this#in the span of like#three months too#me and her made fun of the last one endlessly#we were quite literally mid small talk abt school and stuff#and had plans for tmr#and she basically just kinda DROPPED IT???#‘I’m just not feeling our friendship’ ????#we’ve quite literally had this day out planned for multiple weeks#she also randomly cut off her OTHER friend??#both of these were multi-year friendships too#it is 3:16 in the morning I shouldn’t even be awake
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Hhhnnnngghhhhhh having a fight with my boyfriend
#he can’t give me any sort of answer regarding his future life plans#but wants ME to build my life around him#essentially#we’ve had this talk multiple times#he has promised to confront the whole ‘what do I want from life’#’what do I want from a relationship’#’what are the logical next steps’#but it’s been months and he has neither talked to anyone to figure this out#nor has he given himself time to reflect on his own#bc they are uncomfortable questions to him so he’s avoiding them#yet he still wants me to move to his city after I’m done with my bachelors#which is one of germanys most expensive cities#and I don’t have parents who are willing to pay my rent so I’d have to work for a few years to save up for my masters#and that’s a pretty big financial decision! so I’d like to at least hear from him what his life plans are#how we would work this out financially in the future#so I can put the different options against each other#but this boy is scared of everything that’s more than 1 year into the future#which uhhhh sucks#my posts#also through this thing I’ve realized how much he is lacking in communication skills holy shit
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fruit <33333333333
#it may be that it’s 2:20am but I am overcome with lust for fruit#I need to go to the shop this weekend anyway I think AND I wanted snacks so I could just… buy so many fruit…..#definitely pears + I already get blueberries#but I could. look for cherries. cherries are sosososososo good top tier fruit#i barely ever have cherries as cherries but I have cherry jam and I used to have cherry yogurt when I was younger that was so good#oh my god the things you can bake with cherries……#fuck#most of my friends don’t like cooked fruit but it’s one of my favourite things ever so I might just have to be super self indulgent#I’ll have like a month here after my proposal is done so that’s SO much time to bake so many different things I might start a list#I wanna make blueberry babka that’s been on the actual list for years#and cherry pie oh my god but also cherry cake#apple pie and apple+blackberry crumble are NEEDS#I rlly wanna chuck a bunch of my favourite fruits in a crumble and just see what happens like I bet blueberry and pear would go really nice#also blueberry muffins fuck I have to#I’m so sad we cut down most of our blackberry bush at home so we’ve not really had blackberries for the past two years I miss them#why does fruit have to be expensive and go mouldy so quickly I need all of it#also thinking about putting strawberries in the trinity I did it because I have them pretty often bc people buy them for ice hockey#and they’re top tier fruit to eat in fruit form and super good flavouring but I don’t like cooked strawberries or strawberry jam as much#maybe I’m misrepresenting the innocent strawberry here they’re still such a good fruit I love you strawberry maybe I’ll bake with you soon#they do go rlly good cooked down with other fruit#god help I just wanna eat fruit and bake but I’m forced to Do Things#like sleep. >:(#anyway pomegranate seeds are also incredible and I love mango and watermelon and grapes and bananas and plums and oranges and gooseberries a#<3#luke.txt
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