#well that's the terms of the deal
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If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand more: I would give someone's left arm for an amicable divorce mod.
I have a mod that makes romantic interactions like "ask if single" and "ask sign" friendly interactions instead. So unless I'm severely underestimating how hard it is to change interaction categories like that, wouldn't it be great if divorce could be a friendly interaction too?
Although I guess what I would really want is two divorce types -- the mean one we already have for ugly divorces, and a new friendly one for amicable divorces. Not every marriage needs to end in flames with each person hating the other's guts for daring to continue drawing breath in their vicinity. Sometimes you want your exes to be friends. It would just be nice to choose which type you want.
I know there's already workarounds like using the relationship transmogrifier or changing relationships in MC, but those don't have the same effect I'd like. I'd want the divorced Sims to still show in the family tree and on the relationship panel as ex partners.
Idk, I don't know how to make mods so for all I know, this is impossible. I feel like if it could be done, it would have been done by now but I've said that about a few things that just happened to be made recently. I will continue to wish for it until the day it exists. Or forever. Whichever comes first.
#sims 3#ts3#sims 3 mods wishlist#mod wishlist#whose left arm would i give for this?#well that's the terms of the deal#you don't get to pick where i source the arm from#😈😈😈#ramblings
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i have decided to break my lack of original posting on this blog to bring you my Thoughts on Rot in Paradise. because i played it as soon as i got up this morning and i have scoured for some opinions after finishing it, and now i have my own!!
(and also i posted this on twitter but twitter has such a Shit wordcount that i'm also posting my things here with More Detail)
so! spoilers under the cut, please go and play the game if you haven't. it takes literally an hour (it only took nearly 2 hours for me because i like voice acting by myself and exploring every nook and cranny) and it's also free. so maybe come back into the tag once you're done.
okay, so i noticed quite a number of people being confused and disappointed on the lack of an explanation for the monster. it's brought up in the story as the central thing driving the plot, but it's never explained on what "she" is, why she's compelling people to eat a ton of fish-related food or hell, metal, and why this doesn't impact June at all.
but you know what I think?
i think that that's the point. the focus of rot in paradise isn't supposed to be on the monster.
yeah, it's the thing that pushes the plot along besides June and the gang going on vacation in this island. it's what's causing that uneasiness from the moment that guy grabs June's arm at the drinks, to the sheer unnerving feeling of witnessing people going to the ocean to get Raptured basically. i know i personally felt a chill when i saw that one dude literally eating chains and the other hauling an anchor, as if they're trying to make themselves heavier so they get taken by whatever She is.
but that's not the main point! the main conflict is about June and her friends.
as people have pointed out, this game is about toxic friendships and relationships! it's foreshadowed in the conversation that June has with the gang about her cousin (which i will also get into), and it carries it through the way her friends are horribly warped by this ocean Creature. June goes on a silly little vacation trip with her friends only for them to become so so different from themselves that they lash out at her and even hit her in McCoy's case.
but she still sticks it out with them. through the whole game, even despite their verbal abuse, despite being slapped, despite them being people that she can hardly recognise. she stays with them for the whole game, up until the point where you are given the two options at the very end. and she could still stay with them.
because they're still her friends. she cares about them even if they still hurt her. from the way June still tells Carmen to tell June if she needs anything after Carmen literally tells her to shut up and leave, the way June worries about Vonnie eating seafood even though she continues to stuff herself despite being implied to either hate or make an active choice to not eat seafood, to the way June still trudges out to sea screaming for McCoy to come back to the shore as he wades further in even after he slapped her until her nose bled.
it mirrors the conversation about her cousin, the reason for why June was looking forward to the vacation. that while she did comfort her cousin through all of it, June clearly says that "they were dickheads, and she should have ditched them a long time ago".
but it's funny, isn't it? that June, an outsider to her cousin's friend group, easily sees the pain that her cousin's friends are causing her, and immediately calls it as it is. that her cousin should have left the second they hurt her.
and yet now, when her friends hurt her, even though this was a quick and sudden change that happened in a span of three days, June still sticks around. her friends are dickheads right now, and we can see that in the way they interact with June, but she still stays.
because they're her friends. and how could she just leave them like this if it's something that's causing them to be this way?
so no, i don't think the monster is supposed to be the main picture. we don't need to know what it looks like, or why it needs to do this to the islanders, or how it's even doing it in the first place. it adds to the scariness of the game, as per the Spooktober Game Jam, sure, but that's not the point. might be a bit disappointing to some, but that's not the point.
the point is about June, and the choice that she needs to make at the end of the game.
it's a choice on whether she chooses to be pulled deeper into the tides and be with the friends who hurt her and will continue to hurt her in this way,
or to leave them to their fates, whether deserved or not, and resurface to a world where she's alone without her friends.
and even though the first choice hurts much more in the long run, doesn't the second hurt even more in the moment? knowing that you're alone at the end of all of this?
even if it is the right choice, i'm sure the pain must be unbearable in the moment.
#Rot in Paradise#Rot in Paradise Spoilers#RIP Spoilers#Studio Investigrave#this game isn't supposed to have a happy ending i'm sure. june's gotta deal with it no matter the ending#also because its not super relevant to the contents (more spoilers in tags)#i also see people speculate on why ryan just upped and went in as well#people say its possibly because he tried helping too much that he got sucked in (which i can see it!)#but also i'm wondering if he was sorta on the fence in terms of being got by the monster?#yeah he was on june's side but there was that moment at the bar with the woman and the metal shrapnel that he went-#“uh don't know about that but it did look like a huge chunk”. like he's sort of wavering on it?#but also i wonder if june's words on sunday night got to him. where she thought that maybe von mccoy and carmen were right#and that they were wrong. did that get into ryan's head? did he second guess himself?#did he go into the ocean wanting? leaving after giving june one last reminder of him (the jacket) as some sort of comfort?#man i don't know. but this game do be getting the cogs turning.
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i think a core component of the okumura twins relationship is that if you told them before the series what happens in the future, they would worry about each other before themselves
#i stand by this 100%#especially with yukio people act like he actually hates rin#when in reality he spends a lot of time worrying about his safety to his own detriment and to the detriment of him#cuz he thinks about it as an authority figure and not as a peer and he doesnt really know rin that well at this point#hes used to the 'if nothing bad happens he'll be same so if he does nothing nothing will happen' but of course that doesnt work anymore#rin is already a demon hes already an exorcist and yukio cant cope with the fact that bad things have ALREADY happened#and his problem solving method failed and continues to fail that he doesnt know what to do#in terms of rin of course he also has his own problems#rin does this too but more as a brother and less of an authority figure#its more of a 'yukio should have to deal with this so im gonna do it even if it kills me' even tho in this case yukio has more experience#rin needs to keep him safe and to keep him safe he needs to fight the things that threaten his little brother#but that also fails because of yukio's aformentioned experience but also rin's lack of experience#rin knows how to fight bullies but he doesnt know demons but hes still trying even if yukio doesnt want him to#anyway i think its sweet how hard they try for eachother despite being out of their element#and also how hard they're trying to appear like they're not trying to keep eachother safe to eachothers benefit#okumura twins#ao no exorcist#blue exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura
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They aren't very good at this
I blame discord for this: as in everyone was in such great agreement that it would be very cool and full of great symbolic potential if Paz was a Zabrak under the helmet, meanwhile I decided to double down on a joke and make him big and blue within his shell as well. So he is a Pantoran now with a fantastic pastel beard (and Din got the full update finally too!)
Check out more posts in my Mandalorian meets Hades hobby project at the link ;)
#nobody judge me for whatever dialogue I come up with on my own please TTnTT#dinpaz#pazdin#paz x din#paz vizsla#din djarin#hades AU#Pantoran Paz#the mandalorian fanart#my art#the mandalorian#now that he has a face I should probably update Paz's sigil huh?#If only I'd decided on this a week ago huh? XD oh well#I'm just a hopeless sucker for Paz's reaction to Din removing his helmet and coming to terms with his New Way to be#whatever you choose I cannot bear the thought that my soul should be separated from yours#in a romantic or platonic way I don't particularly care#they are a package deal for me in any shape or form
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more of Mae's adventures in Castle Dracula
aka: Maedhros used Punch! It's super effective!
#silm#silmarillion#maedhros#dracula#crossover#oh i think i need a tag for this too#it already has its own sticky note color so it gets a tag#hmm#mae's adventures in castle dracula#context: he cut himself a bit on a broken bookshelf and drac grabbed his arm#then promptly got punched#also mae; being very treelight-y; is a natural vampire repellant apparently#so not only did dracula get punched in the face#he basically got punched in the face by a giant crucifix in terms of the amount of damage it dealt#after this scene mae briefly wonders if he misjudged how strong a punch an old adan can survive#because drac just fell on the floor and didnt move for a full ten minutes#dracula: where did you learn to fight like that#maedhros: i have six younger brothers and all of them bite#wait. after dealing with his various bitey siblings/cousins' antics mae is probably the best person at avoiding being bitten#his reflexes are strong enough that drac tries to bite him and he automatically grabs drac by the back of the collar#and relocates him to the newly declared Time Out Corner#drac runs away to hide in his room pondering his life choices#while mae realizes 'oh wait. that was a vampire'#because hey an angry guy wearing all black attacking you with his teeth? that describes teenage caranthir pretty well
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A–Aventio TGCF idea?? Wherein Civil God Veritas Ratio meets the infamous Ghost King Aventurine during his first mission cuz cuz like— The "live for me" paralels?!? The one who has all the luck partner as well?!? The villain who was actually not the Villain this whole time!?!? The loving humanity a little too much it causes their downfall !?!?!?
Rant AU in the tags proceed with caution
#Okay to put it into better words:#Veritas having once being a prince wanted to give everyone the prosperity of knowledge and became a civil god in the pursuit of it.#Sadly this backfires in people using that knowledge for their own greed and creating civil wars within it as well as unleashing far more#Destruction upon the land. And the other gods didn't help Veritas in stopping that bc see that's what happens when people overshare info!!#So the aftermath is just pure chaos plus banishment from being a civil god and thrown as this god of war and plague.#800 years passes and he is seen to just still be doing the same things but I a simple term. Teaching people to read and count.#Often times taking up mission and doing research on new pathogens to help cure the sick that can't afford and somehow during a reading#Lecture he gets ascended back to godhood and everyone is like ??? And even he is like ???#Well he doesn't care much about it and just continues to do what he's always done. Except that once in a while he has to take a detour#Mission to deal with ghosts and other malignant spirits. And upon one of those recurrences he finds himself aquaintanced with#The infamous Ghost King Aventurine. Who is mostly feared in heaven due to having beaten the strongest and wisest at their own games. Even#When the odds where fully against him.#As for Aventurine.#His life was harsh but as the prince had given a lot to the people#Not just education but also free them of diseases and sickness. One of which had struck his sister. He liked the prince and wanted to#Follow in giving and protecting the prosperity of the former kingdom. But the good things did not last and his family was struck in between#The many wars that took place. No matter how much refuge Kakavasha and his sister sought no place was ever#Safe enough for them.#He watched the entire world go up in flames yet somehow he could hate the prince-god for it. But rather the people who had started to#Create weapons in his name. The rest of his years he spent it as a warrior slave and then when death reached him he couldn't even go to#The afterlife since he still held so much vigor and wanted revenge to all the people who had turned his land into ashes and his family#Into bones. That is why he became a mourning ghost.#(I didn't want the kakavasha story to be so centered on ratio like it is in tgcf. Because I think it will be fun for the two of them to#Not recognize each other at first after 800 years and then when they do. Rather when aven does he's full on: oh shit it's the cute prince—#As for who was the cause of the upheaval in the kingdom and the maker of the weapons. Idk I was debating there being more than just one#Antagonist to have pulled their strings in verita's kingdom as well as be the reason Aven's sister died. So he's more revenge seeking for t#And the genius society as civil gods just spoke to me it for so perfectly. Ling wen as Ruan mei? Yeah exactly.#ratiorine#Aventio#Dr ratio
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for lack of better words, what’s wrong with delgal in your infinity au?
he's a severely depressed 60-something year old man in poor physical health with a substance problem. he can't get out of bed most days and has stopped taking care of himself. as you can imagine, this scenario is thistle's worst nightmare and everything he tries to do to "fix it" doesn't work - mainly because he is the cause of half of delgal's suffering :/ oh, thistle!
#i've said this elsewhere but in canon thistle is able to stave off delgal's death for 1k yrs and stay in denial about it#but in this magic-less and dungeon-less AU thistle is being forced to come to terms w/its inevitability. and he is not dealing w it well#∞#my words
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I don't know what I love more, the fact that as rook you can make a statement in NO uncertain terms that you are NOT responsible one way or the other for the theological implications of the shit you're discovering in the 'regrets of the dread wolf' memories. not my jurisdiction. quite simply none of my business. not my chantry circus not my chantry monkeys. irrelevant to the matter at hand here we'll kill that god if we get to him he can get in line. or if the best thing about it is seeing the lone little 'lucanis approves' that pops up right after choosing it. corvid with a knife about to commit deicide keeping it real and sensibly, pragmatically, wilfully agnostic with me here in this magical lighthouse today
#we do not see it. we cannot read all of a sudden.#rye having war flashbacks to watcher conferences and firmly going 'we are *not* getting derailed by the metaphysics here folks'#rare stern moderator/dad hat moment from ingellvar lol. he's Seen Some Shit in his time (debates that raged over the multiple#and not always concurrent life times of the participants involved. ain't no academic rivalry like watcher academic rivalry#because watcher academic rivalry doesn't stop even when everyone involved is dead. and the rest of us have to live with it)#I. do not think the way I'm getting this quest is how it's meant to be experienced so I'm a bit at a loss as to how to pace it out#I've been an annoying little completionist so I have ALL the statues and could just marathon it out#but that does not feel like the best way for the story and upcoming reveals to work. hm. how to do this#I'm supposed to go fail to save weisshaupt right around now I can't be having study group with all of you rn as much of a delight as it is#rye is nominally an andrastian as mainstream nevarrans generally are but as I gather is the case with many of the watchers#what he *actually* believes in is the grand necropolis itself haha#(and the philosophy of history memory death and relationship (as well as responsibility) between the past and the present#and indeed the future that it represents. we have a duty. to what has been to what is and to what will come after us. good shit)#the nevarran/mortalitasi element just makes their lack of care or respect for chantry orthodoxy *mwha* that extra bit special#the nevarran lack of concern bordering on quiet condescending disdain for official chantry doctrine and policy my beloved#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#poor harding really is living through the most relentless 'if this is the maker testing my faith he sure be testing me' gauntlet of all tim#good news: god might be real! bad news: god might not even be a real thing but more like a magical accident or vibration or something#honestly tho. if we could get full lovecraftian incomprehensible to human conception the maker -- He is a particle and a wave style --#that's the only way I'd be cool with him or them actually answering the question of his existence. that'd be kind of sick#'yes. but no. but maybe. depends on how you define god. and exist. and he. and does.' *ingellvar sets of the METAPHYSICS!! klaxon#that's a time out folks good game but easy on the jargon and navel-gazing definition of terms next round#rye and lucanis have some slightly differing views about at what exact stage of a problem murder becomes a valid solution#('well you just kill them and then I'm the one who has to deal with the next much longer part')#but they're surprisingly kind of vibing on a lot of other stuff lol. good for them <3#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar
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melyzard replied to this post:
You know, given that P&P was published in 1813 before the 1696 window tax was repealed, she might just be admiring both the outdoors AND the expansive and numerous windows themselves. I mean, good windows really were a big sign of wealth and consequence until 1851 when the tax was finally repealed. But yeah,also,yeah, she's definitely more interested in the outdoors than the Great Chimney Places of the Wealthy
It's true that windows were a major status symbol at the time and long before, but I don't think Elizabeth much cares about that, in all honesty! That is the relevant historical context for Mr Collins's rhapsodies over Rosings' windows, for instance:
she could not be in such raptures as Mr Collins expected the scene to inspire, and was but slightly affected by his enumeration of the windows in front of the house, and his relation of what the glazing altogether had originally cost Sir Lewis de Bourgh
He's silly but he's not mistaken in identifying the windows as a significant status symbol (which without that cultural context can seem like just another Mr Collins absurdity). But Elizabeth specifically, as a person, is consistently not very interested in these kinds of status symbols (though she knows they're there and understands what they signify). She is attracted to natural beauty and unassuming elegance, which is the overwhelming note at Pemberley:
She had never seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste.
Even when it does come to Pemberley's expensive interior, she focuses on the aesthetic dissimilarity to Rosings and, even more, about what is suggested about Darcy's relationships to other people dependent on him (Elizabeth's takeaway from the pretty interior decorating project for Georgiana is "He is certainly a good brother" and not how much disposable income this represents, say).
The fuller quote when she first approaches the window is pretty clear about what Elizabeth is focusing on, IMO:
Elizabeth, after slightly surveying it, went to a window to enjoy its prospect. The hill, crowned with wood, from which they had descended, receiving increased abruptness from the distance, was a beautiful object. Every disposition of the ground was good; and she looked on the whole scene, the river, the trees scattered on its banks, and the winding of the valley, as far as she could trace it, with delight. As they passed into other rooms, these objects were taking different positions; but from every window there were beauties to be seen.
#it's sort of like her recognizing the darcy family livery when his curricle shows up in lambton#before making out darcy and georgiana themselves - she knows what an omnipresent livery signifies#and can instantly identify darcy's which suggests she's seen and noticed it many times#but we hear about it exactly once because she doesn't actually care#and also all these other concrete signs of prestige really flow outwards from the land in their socioeconomic system as well#it's often said that the only difference between the bennets and darcys in social status is that darcy has more money but this is very wron#the difference is that he has vastly more (inherited) LAND and thus power and prestige#the money generated by that land and what it can buy are part of that prestige but only part - so for elizabeth (a member of the gentry)#it makes sense even in socioeconomic terms that she's very focused on the land; even her joke to jane about mercenary motives#doesn't mention his money—only his land#(we're told that pemberley itself generates the full ten thousand a-year so we're not dealing w/ a norland + other inheritances situation#i'd argue that the main significance of his wealth for elizabeth is what it says about his property and not the other way around#even in her first conversation with wickham she describes darcy as 'a man of very large property in derbyshire' rather than by income)#melyzard#respuestas#elizabeth bennet#fitzwilliam darcy#austen blogging#pride and prejudice#jane austen
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Hail Apollo and Hermes for helping me get my ass in gear to take care of a couple financial things that have been stressing me out for a while! ...and for the reminder to not impulse spend.
#and. of course. it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be!#i was told in no uncertain terms in my last tarot pull that some financial things would bite me in the ass if i didnt deal with them#so i said i would take care of them by the end of the month and i managed to!! well. mostly#im waiting for a checkbook to come in the mail so i can take care of the second one but the first one is settled#and im no longer terrified that i'm going to jail! (that was never going to be the outcome in the first place)#thank you apollo and hermes#i need to find something to offer. i'll figure something out#helpol#hermes#coriander says#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#apollo#hellenic community#pagans of tumblr#theoi#'it's not as bad/scary/catastrophic as it feels' has been a theme atm#the tarot pull was from last week ive just been thinking about it. it's about time to do another check-in pull but i wont be able to till#friday probably#i owe. $7 to the state of texas but afaik i'm only able to pay via check b/c of the circumstances so i had to get *80* of them#the only person i know who still uses checks is my grandpa#...the checkbook would be a good thing to keep on hermes“#*hermes's altar though#my post#gratitude post
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flying perilously close to spoilerposting here but one thing that's SO fun about garashir is how they have such complementary daddy issues and yet neither of them really fully grasp what the other one's problem is
#emily if you see this post DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT#julian 'if your dad sucks why not just go no-contact and refuse to talk about it ever' bashir#elim 'well MY father could visit any number of horrors upon me For The Greater Good and i'd be fine as long as he acknowledged me' garak#guy who would do anything to be useful to his father in any capacity#vs guy who would do anything to be useful in general but only if it's got nothing to do with his father.#like if they ever sat down and discussed their respective damage i think they would both misunderstand each other SO badly.#and of course i love to think about this in the context of them getting married#where garak is like. well obviously we'll be inviting your entire extended family for our big cardassian wedding.#since you're lucky enough to still HAVE a family#and julian is like no the hell we won't be. are you insane.#obviously by this point garak knows why julian isn't on speaking terms with his folks but he doesn't quite grasp it emotionally#and can't help but perceive it as some sort of slight since family is such a big deal to cardassians#and after he let julian stay when [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS] he can't understand why julian won't at least introduce him to his parents#meanwhile julian thinks he's doing garak a favour by keeping them separate :/#and can't understand why garak is SO determined to dismiss julian's discomfort and force his way into this part of julian's life#cue a lot of petty sniping to mask very real hurt feelings before they actually talk it out.
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Hazel Wells I love you,,,,,
#she's so silly#she's such a good protagonist#i could never hate her#her growth throughout the season#fantastic#her little 'you definitely do' in response to dev saying he deserves to lose his memories actually lives in my head rent free#i love dev#but like#that statement would've sent her spiraling at the beginning of the show#by the end i like that hazel has learned that she can't always fix everything and everyone#people make their own choices#and have to deal with the consequences to their actions#and she obviously didn't mean it badly#if anything she respected dev for saying it#but in terms of growth for her character#EASILY MY FAVORITE SCENE#i love hazel#so much#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents#hazel wells#hazel antoinette wells
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So uh about Hisashi Midoriya
A list of things Kohei Horikoshi one hundo percent intended for us to understand about Hisashi Midoriya, because he definitely implied them uh somewhere in text (next to social structures and a functioning bureaucracy) (Izuku Midoriya substitute teacher is so fucking funny to me tbh like Horikoshi really said bb ur a glorified babysitter till ur bestie gets his money up) (Him being Bakugou's sugar baby hero is SO fucking stupid I wish I could've come up w that)
Canonically Izuku was a fucking immaculate conception.
The real Hisashi Midoriya was the friends we made along the way
He is really All Might's secret lovechild, Todoroki was right all along, the problem is both All Might and Inko forgor
He left to get milk and never came back
All for One actually fucked his dad
All for One is his dad
(All for One believes he is god. God is like, everyone's dad. In some sense, u know?)
All for One is actually the baby daddy of everyone in this series they just ain't admitting it.
Much like Anakin Skywalker, Izuku has no dad and HELLA midichlorians
He left to get milk and came back but like 20 years later so we ain't seen it yet
Nana Shimura is actually Hisashi Midoriya. How, you might ask? I said so.
Hisashi Midoriya died like an Anime Mom Death bc he wore his hair like that once but they didn't show us because we'd cry too hard and never forgive it
Hisashi is just so hot they can't show us in canon bc we'd be too distracted
Bakugou killed him. He can have a little homicide as a treat.
Izuku killed him. He SHOULD do a lot of homicide as a treat.
Inko killed him. Real.
He left Inko to have a whirlwind romance with someone's secret twin (I haven't decided who yet)
Principal Nedzu ate him (he was delicious)
Fire breath did not protect him against spicy food and he went on Hot Ones and died.
Hisashi's quirk wasn't fire breath, it was negligence, baby!
#bnha#my hero academia#hisashi midoriya#mha 430#Hisashi Midoriya who tf are you#He MIGHT be a figment of our imagination#Is he even sending them money still?#is he even real#I think Hisashi Midoriya is the greatest lie we have been fed#Like how the moon actually isn't round#Wake up sheeple#The moon is flat and Hisashi Midoriya is a collective hallucination#Inko ur baby daddy is NOT REAL#Maybe Inko never carried a baby to term#He just turned up one day#She was like damn well them storks fucked up but ig this works#I'm still laughing at Bakugou having to bankroll Izuku's support gear#Manz said I will fucking MAKE my rival or die trying#Broke ass bitch too it took him all 8 years lmao#Love how factually those kids didn't get paid at all for dealing w all that shit#They should sue#It could bankroll Izuku's hero career#Love you sugar baby hero Deku#Genuinely one of the dumbest things and yet fucking hilarious in a way I could never be I WISH I DID THAT
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I really love hope is a thing with feathers and I also really LOVE the hope as a sewer rat poem too but I wish it was not explicity written as "well actually" against Dickinson asgvsjnk. The imagery is SO GOOD but this whole vibe of "my metaphor is better than your metaphor" kinda sours it for me
#i dont like the patronizing usage of ''Emily'' like theyre explaining something to a child#admittedly dickinson has been dead for over a century so its probably huge deal to talk about her flippantly in terms of poetry#this is just me personally. how i feel about it#i dont like her being namedropped like that#it has this energy of ''haha lemme school this bitch''#when the poem itself was never supposed to see the light of day. she never consented to it being published. girl was 5 years in the grave#it feels like making fun of somebodys diary#i also dont like how it kinda makes fun of dickinson's imagery of hope as something ''beautiful delicate'' thing#i always interpreted as it is told. a little bird. i pictured a fat fluffy thing like the ones i see outside my window#ive known them to be stubborn and mischivious#when we leave out seeds on the lawn the little ones are always bullied away by the crows and magpies#but they keep trying. theyll attempt to sneak over and peck away before the crows notice them#they ARE optimistic and resilient little things. tougher than they look#so i always found the metaphor apt#sewer rat also fits just as well. but i think it depends on the angle from how youre looking at it#so i dont like this vibe of ''it should be more RAW it should be UGLIER'' cuz even tho i love that style of writing#it just feels like unnecessary one-upping here#especially considering dickinson was severely depressed and tons of her poems reflect it#god forbid she dabble around with the occasional light hearted poem about seeing hope as a silly little bird#asgsjsnk sorry im not trying to make a statement or anything. ill delete this later probably
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I got.... my official adhd diagnosis....🥺🥺🥺🥺
Had my appointment where she went thru all the different parts of the testing and what they found by it. All sorts of things that I didn't even Realize what it was testing. And they pointed to combined type adhd!!!!!
There was also an iq test involved, specifically to test working memory in comparison to other categories, bc that's smth that adhd people tend to score low on. And I did too!!!! Compared to my other scores, at least. It was still average overall, but I scored "high average" on verbal comprehension and "superior" on perceptual reasoning and processing speed. WHICH MEANS!!!! Working memory was my low thing!!! Another thing pointing to it!!!!
Also the weird X test I took was the CPT-3 test and apparently it was geared Specifically towards adhd stuff. Which bc of my "atypically fast" reaction speed + "very elevated" commissions rate (which in this context means incorrectly hit space bar, aka I clicked when I wasn't supposed to) it showed a strong indication of impulsivity & some indication of inattentiveness and vigilance. That impulsivity is the big one here tho.
I'm just really excited now. I have a long report talking about all my brain stuffs that says I Do have adhd and that it would benefit me to take stimulants. AND!!!!! That I DONT have depression or anxiety!!!! That's a fuckin big one!!!!!! Bc they've avoided giving me stimulants in the past bc of the "anxiety" except I don't got it!!!! The examiner said exactly what I thought about it, which is that the prior disgnoses of depression and anxiety probably stemmed from effects of the untreated adhd. Aka I had Feels Bad Disorder. Ykno? Except not actually a disorder bc it was just a byproduct.
SO! Hopefully that can help me to get proper meds as soon as possible. Gonna be contacting my doctor to set up an appointment... soon!!!!!
#speculation nation#also i dont believe in iq being a good measure of overall intelligence bc there are many kinds of intelligence#.... that being said. it Does feel good to get a good score on it.#my overall iq according to this test is 122. which is pretty good!!93rd percentile. 'superior' as it states in the classification.#verbal comprehension had a 116 aka 'high average'. perceptual reasoning had 125 aka 'superior'#working memory had 108 aka 'average'. and processing speed had 120 aka 'superior'#ultimately it told me what i figured out during the assessment. that my visual based intelligence is high. but auditory is not.#since the working memory deals in short term memory. attention. concentration. and ability to manipulate attention heard.#which that all's why it's a good indicator of adhd when it's low. and it was Definitely my worst skill during the test.#she recommended that i come back in a year to get a followup exam. to see how well medication is helping me.#according to her there was a woman who went 11 years thinking she was functioning Wonderfully on her meds#only to find it was only helping One aspect of her adhd when she went in for re-evaluation.#so if i do go back. i wonder if she'd do the iq test again. and i wonder if id score better when on meds 🤔🤔🤔#i really. reaaaaaally want to get on meds so i can fix my brain. for the love of fucking god Please.#also the only diagnosis i got was for adhd. no mention of autism. which i dont know if she was even testing for it at all#i didnt mention it in the initial thing bc i didnt want to get it diagnosed. bc i dont think a diagnosis for that would help me.#so this is a good thing. especially the lack of depression or anxiety. it's exactly what i was thinking i had.#diagnosis... i got my diagnosis...!!! wahoo!!!!!!
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After getting absolutely lost on page one of my text book for two days and wondering how the fuck 9/4 - 1 = 5 I'm going to drop calc and go back to it in a later term. I cannot figure out the math there. Khan academy you're my only hope.
#just cant do ten hours of math home work on top of ten hours of khan and being a homeowner and dealing with workers comp and dogs every week#ill catch up on khan while i have an easy class this term and revisit it in the future#maybe doing physics next term will help me prepare more for calc as well#why the fuck i need all this for an information security degree in beyond me#i know programming uses some math but not that much
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