In regards to why Yue Qingyuan is like that when it comes to Shen Jiu, I have some thoughts.
To begin with, I always interpreted their relationship as purely platonic/familial (though perhaps with potential to turn into something else had things been different. I think their personalities are compatible in that way.)
Because of that, I empathize with Yue Qingyuan from my place as the oldest sibling, and because of it I think I can understand him when it comes to his behavior regarding Shen Qingqiu. (Because of that, I admit I'm not objective, so don't take this as a serious analysis and just my thoughts)
And for this I feel that Yue Qingyuan, more than allowing Shen Qingqiu to do what he pleases because he feels guilty, feels responsible for Shen Qingqiu's actions. He doesn't let Shen Qingqiu abuse his disciples, be hostile towards their fellow peak lords, and "engage in debauchery" just because he doesn't want to further strain their relationship, but because all of this is his fault.
When Shen Yuan first transmigrated and Yue Qingyuan asked him to stop punishing Luo Binghe, it didn't feel like he was making an attempt to stop Shen Qingqiu from further abusing the boy, but like the admonishment of an older sibling telling their little brother to stop acting a certain way. A "why are you doing this? You are not getting anything out of it, there's no reason for this other than you being cruel, stop it." Had Yue Qingyuan been making an attempt to stop him from harming his disciple, he would've actually put an end to it. He's the sect leader, he could just take Luo Binghe to another peak if not outright order Shen Qingqiu to stop.
There was a time my younger sister started bullying a classmate, she didn't see it as such, and I know she's not purposely cruel but she was young and thoughtless. In that situation I didn't take the other kid's side and reprimanded her harshly, yelled at her for being mean, ordered her to stop. I asked her why she did that (boy was annoying/everybody else was doing it too (and so it couldn't be wrong)) and told her that what she was doing was cruel, that everybody was being cruel to that boy, explained to her how bullying works, asked her how would she feel if she was annoying and everybody made fun of her, and asked her if she wanted to be a bully.
Yue Qingyuan said something along the lines of ''that boy hasn't done anything wrong, he tries so hard, aren't you tired? Hasn't it been enough?" He didn't take Luo Binghe's side like he should have, but he appealed to Shen Qingqiu's logic. He knew Shen Qingqiu and had an idea of why he was doing it, and addressed it calmly, tried to convince him to stop because there was no point, he was only making himself angry. He wasn't assertive either, only coaxing, because he also felt all of this was his fault. And not only that;
I believe Yue Qingyuan genuinely loved Shen Qingqiu, but he didn't like him anymore, and he felt terrible for it. He cared so much for him, yes, Shen Qingqiu was the only person he actually cared about and he couldn't be objective when it came to Shen Qingqiu. But he was constantly exasperated by him, he was so disappointed, and he knew he could like him again if Shen Qingqiu just stopped acting so caustically. But what right did he have to dislike Shen Qingqiu after how he failed him? If Shen Qingqiu acted like this it was because he was hurt, and whose fault was that?
Love and like do not always go hand in hand.
Think about a parent, a friend, a sibling, an aunt or an uncle. Someone you loved so much as a child and who was good to you. Someone who gave you gifts and played with you and heard you ramble and rant for hours, who defended you from others, who always had a smile for you. Now think about the time you realized they were a bigot, or that they yell to waiters, are cruel to animals. That they hit their partners or their children. You felt disappointed (and even betrayed) but you still loved them, you just didn't like them anymore, and you could no longer trust them, but if something happened to them, you'd be inconsolable. And you just know that if they just stopped you would like them again, you'd be so proud, you'd be so happy. In many cases like this what actually happens is that people feel guilty for loving someone so awful. In Yue Qingyuan's case, he felt guilty for not liking him.
Shen Jiu was not a good man, but he was hurt and the world had never been kind to him, so Yue Qingyuan took it upon himself to be unconditionally kind to him (even if he didn't realize that the way he chose to be kind also hurt Shen Qingqiu) and Yue Qingyuan was also the reason why Shen Qingqiu was so hurt, if Shen Qingqiu was cruel or violent, the blame fell on Yue Qingyuan's shoulders. How could he even dare to side eye Shen Qingqiu for how he behaved, when he wouldn't be like this if it weren't for Yue Qingyuan?
Yue Qingyuan's guilt doesn't come solely from not getting Shen Qingqiu out of Qiu manor, but from every single consequence that followed his failure. He's at fault for any and all of Shen Qingqiu's sins. He is also the only person who will ever be good to Shen Qingqiu, who knows he isn't the monster he made himself to be. He has no right to be disappointed in Shen Qingqiu's actions because they are his fault, he would never dare impose his own will above Shen Jiu's because hasn't Shen Jiu been subjected enough to the whims of others? he will never use his authority to stop him, he's the only ally Shen Jiu has, and he's also the only person in the whole sect with power over Shen Qingqiu, not only because of his position as sect leader, but because of how well he knows Shen Qingqiu, his secrets, his past and weaknesses. This puts him in a position to hurt Shen Qingqiu in ways no other could, to damage beyond what any other would be able to.
Yue Qingyuan's regrets are way more complex than what people make them out to be. Yue Qingyuan is aware that his silence about the fact that he did come back but was too late wounds Shen Qingqiu deeply, and the longer he doesn't explain himself the more Shen Qingqiu hurts. But this is also the only way he has of punishing himself, and he also feels guilty about it.
Imagine how he must see his own situation, Yue Qingyuan is respected and well liked, rich and powerful, he will never have to submit to other's wishes, he is free, untouchable, his brother is alive and healthy and close by. He has it all and more than he ever dreamed of, and deserves none of it, how could he ever allow himself to be forgiven? When in the end he's the person who has hurt Shen Jiu the most.
There are more reasons why he keeps quiet about the Linxi caves, most stem from trauma, and I believe his own need for punishment is one of them.
So when I see his behavior being reduced to ''he doesn't want for sqq to hate him more'' or ''he's just ashamed and guilty'' I feel sad because, Shen Jiu might be the most misunderstood character by other characters in the story. But Yue Qingyuan is the most misunderstood character by the fandom.
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the waiting game
(a/n): HELLO FRIENDS!!!!! how is everyone?!?!?! it has been a minute since i've been able to put writing out but! i finished my summer internship and took a vacay too and i'm back to do some more writing! :) i have one more prompt to put out that is taking me some time to rewrite/edit, but i wanted to start with putting out a piece for annie x brady for AGES AGO!!!! i wrote it maybe back in march/april and it never got posted so, i cleaned it up and wanted to put it out!! PLUS it features annie x brady being adorable beans and some cameos from other Silver Bullets members just being their normal, chaotic selves haha. so please enjoy that!!!! :D
Algeria was hot as fuck.
The belly of Silver Bullets could only provide so much shade as they waited for the 12th to show up.
Too hot inside the fort, too hot outside the fort, the strip of shade providing what it could, especially with the sun moving from east to west and the atmosphere simply being one thing - hot.
Annie lounged beneath the shaded nose of the plane, leg bent up with her other leg crossed over top, aviators over her eyes as she stared at the smoke from her cigarette, curling upwards towards the bright blue sky, half covered by the nose of the B-17. Her shorts were filled with sand, her tank top a size too big and equally covered in sand and parts of her skin were either dried out or burnt and peeling. A lot of the others were in a much similar or slightly worse state - sun burnt, sweating and coarse sand all over; anywhere you could think and it was there. Something kicked at her foot.
"Hey, you alive?" Annie looked up and found Francis there, aviators and that stupid hat Major Egan was also walking around wearing on his head.
"I am in fact living and breathing," Annie said, and then placed the cigarette on her lip, "you look ridiculous." Francis smirked and then came and settled down on the ground beside Annie and sighed.
"This was all his idea, if I must say," Francis said as Annie passed her the cigarette and she took a puff, "you know as they say, if you wanna look stupid, look stupid together." Annie snorted and glanced over towards Francis.
"So, any update?"
"None. Absolutely nothing. Oh, someone from Brady's crew is trying to train a goat to stand on its hind-legs. Otherwise, no, no news."
"Great." Annie said and glanced back towards the nose of Silver Bullets, her mind drifting briefly to that glance her and Brady had shared a few nights ago after landing, his eyes soft, his face worn with exhaustion, the slight smile on the corners of his cheeks, "Who the hell is training the goat?" Francis let out a snort and sighed, picking up a handful of sand and dropping it to the ground again.
"I don't know, I think one of their waist gunners," Francis said nonchalantly, "Brady's encouraging him. Either way, it was funny as hell trying to see those two trying to tame a goat. It was a treat, that's all I gotta say." Annie chuckled and took back the cigarette and blew out a puff. Her mind wandered - everyone was hot, a little moody, waiting for some fresh water, or a meal that wasn't hot as anything. The waiting game was only fun so many times before you were waiting to lead a horse to water where it wouldn't drink.
"We get water?"
"Yeah, some," Francis said, "I think Mari and Judy are helping Benny to pass some out. Want me to grab you some?"
"Nah, I can get it." Annie said and then slowly sat up, her head swimming a bit from the mixture of sweat and equally, heat exhaustion.
"No you're not," Francis said, "honey, you're burnt up like a fried pepper. Stay here." Annie pulled a face.
"It's just a little bit of sun-burn, I've had worse." Annie said and Francis shot her a look, even from behind the aviators, that told her to stay still.
"Don't start moving around, alright, I'll be back." Annie watched Francis leave, before lying back down on her back and staring up again at the nose of good ole Silver Bullets, before shutting her eyes. A few minutes of shut-eye might be worthwhile.
"Annie." Her eyes shot open and she found Brady standing there above her. Eyes widening rather dramatically, she flushed a bit and shifted.
"John, hey." she said, suddenly realizing her fetal-position-like posture there on the ground and blinked a few times before, slowly sitting up, head swimming and then getting to her feet, to which Brady placed a hand on her shoulder to steady her, which made her hiss, the sun-burn burning a bit from his warm hand.
"Oh, shit," Brady said, immediately removing his hand, "I just wanted to steady you-"
"No, no, thank you, it's okay. You're okay, thank you." Annie said as she glanced towards her shoulder, at the skin beginning to peel up, grimacing a bit as she looked towards him, "Sunburn that's all." Brady looked at her through his own aviators and she suddenly took him in there in front of her - shirtless - not exactly something she was complaining about or should even be thinking too deeply into.
It was hot. The sun was brutal, you basically wanted as little layers on as possible, and they all smelled generally, not too great. But Brady being shirtless was yeah….definitely a sight worth glancing at considering the circumstances where everything was simply draining.
She flushed deeper, and hoped it would pass off as heat exhaustion if anything as she watched Brady cross his arms, the evidently toned muscles of his arms extending far greater into her line of sight than she would've thought.
"You need me to get a bandage for it or something?" Brady asked her, "Some water to pour on it?" Annie stared at him and then wised-up and shook her head.
"It's alright, really, no worries," she said, and then cleared her throat, "how's it going? What's up?" Brady smiled and then shook his head.
"That's what I came to ask you, but now you have me considering scrounging bandages." he said, placing his hands on his hips, "Don't mind stepping up to the plate."
"Don't be telling that to Kennedy, she'll start a ball game in this heat and next thing you know we'll all be burnt." Annie said with a smirk and Brady chuckled at her words. She tilted her head to the side and considered his help - he was already standing in her presence, he didn't need to do much else.
"I'm fine really though, save the bandages. For a serious issue." she told him with a small smile and he shook his head.
"It could get worse." he told her, face falling to a pinch of worry that you had to see if you squinted, crossing his arms again - really nice arms, "C'mon, let me find something. Hey…..Stagliano!"
Paulina Stagliano, ever-the-presently-always-pissed person she was, sat under one of the wings of Silver Bullets sat up and lifted her aviators, her curly hair that was out of its usual braids, looking like it'd been just dumped in a bucket of water, sticking to her cheeks, glanced at him.
"What the hell do you possibly want me from me, sir!" she hollered, voice bouncing off the nearby metal of the plane.
"Bandages!" Brady called back, "For your pilot!"
"That was a little unneeded, John," Annie said, giving his shoulder a shove and he turned to her with that wide grin and shook his head, "really, the girls know I'm fine, that's what matters."
"You're their pilot. And also one of the 100ths, I'll look out for ya, alright?" Well, there was no use arguing anymore at this point. Paulina came hauling over with a few packs of bandages she kept at the radio station in the fort and smacked it into Brady's hands with a grumble.
"Why you always gotta say it like that? Because you know I'll come running, sir?" Paulina murmured crossing her arms.
"Because I know you like to carry extra things with ya - bobby pins, bottle caps, postcards and figured you also had bandages."
"Right." Paulina said and then deadpanned, "Sir, why the hell you need bandages."
"Not me," Brady said, "Bradshaw." Paulina looked to Annie and then smirked.
"Right, Mr. Chivalrous." Paulina said, "Lieutenant Brady, when did you become such a softy-schmuck." Brady gave her a look.
"Ask me again during business hours."
"News-flash, Lieutenant, we are on business hours." Brady glanced her way and Paulina raised a brow, "Just make sure you wrap the bandages real nicely, okay? No need getting infections in this hell hole. This is my pilot we're talking about." Paulina sighed and shook her head, squinting into the sun, "For Christ-sake." And with that, Paulina was wading back over to her spot on the ground. Brady turned to look back at Annie and found her looking after Paulina.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," Annie said quickly, "just….worried about some of the women. Like usual." Brady chuckled and then flicked through some of the bandages in his grasp.
"Well, you don't have to worry anymore at the minute. Let someone else worry about you for now." he said and she glanced at him, "You need help putting these on?" Annie stared, and then shook her head.
"Nah, I got it." she said and took the bandages, "Really, you didn't have to get these, I'll be fine-"
"Annie, if you say you'll be fine, one more damn time, I'm actually going to lose it." Francis said coming over with two canteens filled with water, "Lieutenant Brady, pleasure to see you here." Francis said glancing at him before looking back at Annie, "You gotta take care of yourself better. I can't be playing co-pilot and single-mother out here."
"I'm fine, Francis, really, I'll throw some bandages and water on to cool the burns down and we'll move on from this. It'll heal." Annie admonished and watched as Francis side-eyed, glancing at Brady before looking back at Annie.
"I will hand-apply those bandages on Annie I swear to-"
"I'll take care of it." Brady said calmly, cutting in and taking the bandages out of Annie's hands and one of the tins of water from Francis' grasp, "Go sit down for a bit, I'll help her out." Francis looked from Annie to Brady and then nodded.
"Alright, then." Francis said and then glanced at Brady and pointed a finger at him, "Wrap it tight, Brady, I don't wanna see exposed bits of sun-burn, okay?"
"Yes, ma'am." Brady said, snickering as Francis wandered away and lied down beside Bessie on the ground.
Brady turned to Annie and then poured water on his hands before opening up the bandages. Annie suddenly took in the fact it was the two of them; it always ended up being the two of them somehow - like back at base, when the night got long, and it was the last of the group at the bar; it was the two of them. The one night the group had gone out to look at the stars, sharing cigarettes, stories and drinks, the last of the group had simply been the two of them, a few glances that had Annie second-guessing a bit too much for her liking. It was always the two of them.
Annie caught a glance at his bare chest in the golden, honey sun again and looked away, her cheeks, if they weren't already burning from heat exhaustion or sunburn, flaming red.
"So, liking Algeria?" Annie asked him as he began to work. Brady chuckled and glanced up at her, overtop the Aviators and smirked.
"It's hot as anything, so….not my favorite, but…I'm not dying so, can't complain." Annie laughed.
"Got that right." Annie said quietly and she watched him smile as he gently placed the bandages on the sunburn and then continued to do the same until the majority of the sunburn was mostly covered, and then pressed down the edges before looking at her. He was standing so close to her, and she was sure she must've smelled like sweat, metal and blood and almost wished she was still lying on the ground, in fetal-position with Francis bugging her about the water.
"Handy-work, huh?" he said softly, "You need some water?"
"Thanks." she said as she took the canteen from him and took down some water, before pulling down the canteen and then looking at Brady, who was staring her down from her angle.
"I appreciate the concern over my sunburn," she said with a small smile as she screwed the canteen lid on, and Brady offered a quick smile, "but, your boys okay?"
"Yeah," Brady said, "Jacobs was trying to train a goat." Annie laughed.
"I heard."
"Francis?"
"Yeah." Annie said with a laugh, "So, how's that going?"
"Eh, could be going better," Brady said with a laugh, "funny though to watch a grown man chase around a goat with a piece of bread, trying to get the goat to stand on its hind legs." Annie laughed, before looking at him with a smile. That look, it made it her stomach twist.
"You managed to get any rest?" she asked him quietly; no one could really sleep it seemed just because of the circumstances, so when someone did, it was a small victory for the 100th it seemed altogether.
"A bit." Brady said, "Keep ending up with sand all up my nose when I get up though, you?"
"Here and there," Annie said, "it's why I was so surprised to see you, to be honest. I was half-asleep."
"Sorry 'bout that." Brady said quickly, with a grin and Annie laughed.
"It's fine, really, it's….it's nice to see you." she said and they fell quiet for a brief moment, Brady smiling at her with one of those closed-lipped grins he usually wore. Something seemed to shift between them. Brady took a small step closer and dropped his voice to the point only she could hear.
"Saw your plane take some hits flying out here….everyone okay?" Are you okay? His eyes begged the question.
"For the most part." Annie said managed quietly back, "I just think we're all glad to have made it. Thought at first we'd be going down somewhere over Italy - one of the engines….it's that stubborn third engine is always crapping out but…." Brady watched her, as the two fell quiet, the tension in the air between them overwhelming and suffocating. She couldn't help but take in a few shaky breaths, watching as he stared at her, their aviators suddenly the only thing between them it felt.
"Listen, Annie, I've been meaning to ask you-"
"Hey! Guys, it's the 12th!" Annie and Brady looked around the front of Silver Bullets, and there they were - the 12th. Coming in, like rolling thunder, dust kicking up all over the place in the far distance.
"Well, looks like we'll be heading home." Annie said, glancing over towards Brady with a small smile. The look on his face was hidden with something else she couldn't quite decipher, but instead he smiled and crossed his arms.
"Heading home." he echoed.
Heading home - wherever that seemed to be these days.
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