#well i think i'm better off without it
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Do you conlang? I was wondering if you had naming languages (or possibly even more developed ones) for pulling the words you use. I tried to search your blog but didn't find anything, wouldn't be surprised if the feature is just busted tho. Your worldbuilding is wonderful and I particularly enjoy the anthropological and linguistic elements.
Ok the thing is I had kind of decided I was not going to do any conlanging because I don't feel like I'm equipped to do a good job of it, like was fully like "I'm just going to do JUST enough that it doesn't fail an immediate sniff test and is more thoughtful than just keysmashing and putting in vowels". And then have kinda been conlanging anyway (though not to a very deep and serious extent. I maybe have like....an above average comprehension of how language construction works via willingness to research, but that's not saying much, also I can never remember the meanings of most linguistic terms like 'frictives' or etc off the top of my head. I'm just kinda raw dogging it with a vague conceptualization of what these things mean)
I do at least have a naming language for Wardi (and more basic rules for other established languages) but the rudimentary forms of it were devised with methods much shakier and less linguistically viable than even the most basic naming language schemes, and I only went back over it LONG after I had already made a bunch of words so there's some inconsistencies with consonant presence and usage. (This can at least be justified because it IS a language that would have a lot of loanwords and would be heavily influenced by other language groups- Burri being by far the most significant, Highland-Finnic and Yuroma-Lowlands also being large contributors)
The 'method' I used was:
-Skip basic construction elements and fully move into devising necessary name words, with at least a Vibe of what consonants are going to be common and how pronunciation works -Identify some roots out of the established words and their meanings. Establish an ongoing glossary of known roots/words. -Construct new words based in root words, or as obvious extensions/variants of established words. -Get really involved in how the literal meanings of some words might not translate properly to english, mostly use this to produce a glossary of in-universe slang. -Realize that I probably should have at least some very basic internal consistency at this point. -Google search tutorials on writing a naming language. -Reverse engineer a naming language out of established words, and ascribe all remaining inconsistencies to being loanwords or just the mysteries of life or whatever.
I do at least have some strongly established pronunciation rules and a sense of broad regional dialect/accents.
-'ai' words are almost always pronounced with a long 'aye' sound.
-There is no 'Z' or 'X' sound, a Wardi speaker pronouncing 'zebra' would go for 'tsee-brah', and would attempt 'xylophone' as 'ssye-lohp-hon'
-'V' sounds are nearly absent and occur only in loanwords, and tend to be pronounced with a 'W' sound. 'Virsum' is a Highland word (pronounced 'veer-soom') denoting ancestry, a Wardi speaker would go 'weer-sum'.
-'Ch' spellings almost always imply a soft 'chuh' sound when appearing after an E, I, or O (pelatoche= pel-ah-toh-chey), but a hard 'kh' sound after an A or U (odomache= oh-doh-mah-khe). When at the start of a word, it's usually a soft 'ch' unless followed by an 'i' sound (chin (dog) is pronounced with a hard K 'khiin', cholem (salt) is pronounced with a soft Ch 'cho-lehm')
-Western Wardin has strong Burri cultural and linguistic influence, and a distinct accent- one of the most pronounced differences is use of the ñ sound in 'nn' words. The western city of Ephennos is pronounced 'ey-fey-nyos' by most residents, the southeastern city of Erubinnos is pronounced 'eh-roo-been-nos' by most residents. Palo's surname 'Apolynnon' is pronounced 'A-puh-lee-nyon' in the Burri and western Wardi dialects (which is the 'proper' pronunciation, given that it's a Kos name), but will generally be spoken as 'Ah-poh-leen-non' in the south and east.
-R's are rolled in Highland-Finnic words. Rolling R's is common in far northern rural Wardi dialects but no others. Most urban Wardi speakers consider rolling R's sort of a hick thing, and often think it sounds stupid or at least uneducated. (Brakul's name should be pronounced with a brief rolled 'r', short 'ah' and long 'uul', but is generally being pronounced by his south-southeastern compatriots with a long unrolled 'Brah' sound).
Anyway not really a sturdy construction that will hold up to the scrutiny of someone well equipped for linguistics but not pure bullshit either.
#I actually did just make a post about this on my sideblog LOL I think in spite of my deciding not to conlang this is going to go full#full conlanging at some point#The main issue is that the narrative/dialogue is being written as an english 'translation' (IE the characters are speaking in their actual#tongues and it's being translated to english with accurate meaning but non-literal treatment)#Which you might say like 'Uh Yeah No Shit' but I think approaching it with that mindset at the forefront does have a different effect than#just fully writing in english. Like there's some mindfulness to what they actually might be saying and what literal meanings should be#retained to form a better understanding of the culture and what should be 'translated' non-literally but with accurate meaning#(And what should be not translated at all)#But yeah there's very little motivation for conlanging besides Pure Fun because VERY few Wardi words beyond animal/people/place names#will make it into the actual text. Like the only things I leave 'untranslated' are very key or untranslatable concepts that will be#better understood through implication than attempts to convey the meaning in english#Like the epithet 'ganmachen' is used to compliment positive traits associated with the ox zodiac sign or affectionately tease#negative ones. This idea can be established pretty naturally without exposition dumps because the zodiac signs are of cultural#importance and will come up frequently. The meaning can get across to the reader pretty well if properly set up.#So like leaving it as 'ganmachen' you can get 'oh this is an affectionate reference to an auspicious zodiac sign' but translating#it as the actual meaning of 'ox-faced' is inevitably going to come across as 'you look like a cow' regardless of any zodiac angle#^(pretty much retyped tags from other post)#Another aspect is there's a few characters that have Wardi as a second language and some of whom don't have a solid grasp on it#And I want to convey this in dialogue (which is being written in english) but I don't want it to just be like. Random '''broken''' english#like I want there to be an internal consistency to what parts of the language they have difficulties with (which then has implications for#how each language's grammar/conjugation/etc works). Like Brakul is fairly fluent in Wardi at the time of the story but still struggles#with some of the conjugation (which is inflectional in Wardi) especially future/preterite tense. So he'll sometimes just use the#verb unconjugated or inappropriately in present tense. Though this doesn't come across as starkly in text because it's#written in english. Like his future tense Wardi is depicted as like 'I am to talk with him later' instead of 'I'll talk with him later'#Which sounds unnatural but not like fully incorrect#But it would sound much more Off in Wardi. Spanish might be a better example like it would be like him approaching it with#'Voy a hablar con él más tarde' or maybe 'Hablo con él más tarde' instead of 'Hablaré con él más tarde'#(I THINK. I'm not a fluent spanish speaker sorry if the latter has anything wrong with it too)
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Eichi gives away the mask so easily because it was never meant to be an "engagement ring" like you delulu wataeis imagined it to be lmao. It was wataru saying that he will continue playing tsumugi clown role in fine and won't leave it for hokuto's mother troupe after graduation. Do you dumb fucks even read the stories? Eichi didn't even understand tf that mask meant when wataru gave it to him and wataru referenced fucking tsumugi in his "proporsal". I dunno why the f you think it's ok to lie about "! EnDiNG wItH wAtAeI EnGaGeMEnT" when the chapter it happened wasn't even close to the end of ep:link. Cope
PS: how do you live with the fact that Eichi clearly admitted to never being in love in his life and Wataru said that even though Eichi likes him, he still can easily discard him for the sake of his objectives?
I love you anon thank you for giving me a nice reason to ramble again beautiful ask 10/10 I'm sorry this is probably not how you hoped this would go but this is such a funny block of text delightful really thank you for the enrichment please marry me
But okay yes now to get down to the actual ask just to disclaim I am solely relying on translations seeing as I do not speak japanese well enough to understant the original text so if anyone has anything to add to this or to correct me on please feel free to do so.
Now to get started I'm not sure if one could say Eichi gave away the mask "So easily" seeing as he claimed that it was "a hard choice to make"? Which, as one might know, implies unease with an idea and pondering and debating and a general amount of thinking behind a decision so? I know this isn't really the main focus of this ask but I'm just a tad miffed with the semantics of it is all. And in either case giving the mask back to Wataru while expecting it back still shows a certain degree of trust in their relationship it wouldn't have been such a big deal for him (as it apparently was) if the mask didn't have a lot of sentimental value to him (the both of them really if we look at the whole exchange).
Now to the claim that the mask was "only" Watarus promise to stay with fine and "continue playing Tsumugis clown role". This is not entirely incorrect. Regarding the acting troupe and staying with fine bit at least.
I'm assuming this bit in EP:Link Deadend/7 is what you are referencing, and I see where you're coming from. But the bluebird line
from literally three dialogue lines further down, which references this line of dialogue (notorious Eichi line everyone should be familiar with)
kind of somewhat really recontextualises that? Because you see this is a reference to a fairytale about a pair of siblings and they get sent out by a nice fairy to find the bluebird of happiness for her sad daughter to make her happy again so they both go on an adventure and travel far and search and search but they can not find the bluebird of happiness and then when they return home again, disappointed because they couldn't find the blue bird, they realise only one night has actually passed and the journey was probably just a dream. But then their eyes fall upon their pet dove in it's cage which appears blue all of a sudden and so they gift it to the fairies sad daughter which becomes happy again and sets the bird free. The real bluebird of happiness is a dove. At least in the version of the story I'm familiar with but I mean everyone sees the symbolism right? It's. very hard to miss.
And then dropping this?
I'm not sure how to say this properly but in the overall context this makes it pretty clear that Tsumugi has nothing to do with this anymore this is Fully between Wataru and Eichi. And I am the last person to dismiss Tsumugis significance in the course of Wataeis relationship as characters I will be among the first to protest when someone dismisses the importance of Tsumugis and Eichis relationship in favour of some image they have of Wataei but he has nothing to do with this one.
Yes Tsumugi gets namedropped but - again - I don't really see how that would lessen the sentiment Wataru is triying to convey here? Because. Yes. Why wouldn't he mention Tsumugi?
The entire conversation pretty much boils down to "Yes I was initially only in this because I thought I could replace Tsumugis role in your life and then I wanted to leave but we have spent so much time together that I realised that that is definitely not working out because I really do love you. I love you as a teammate; I love you as a friend; I love you as a person and I am very angry at myself for not managing to get that into your head. So please allow me to stay with you for as long as you'll have me." And then also Eichi not understanding because he has the emotional self awareness of a very emotionally unaware loaf of bread and also because he hates himself that is a very big thing about his character huge part of his character arc actually that he. you know? Hates himself? And feels guitly for his actions during the war? And doesn't think he deserves love and companionship? Which is why Wataru wanting to stay with him for him and not for some twisted form of revenge is such an alien concept to him? Because he is projecting his insecurities onto Wataru? As one is wont to do when they hate themself? "EiChi Didn'T eVen UnDErStanD WhAt tf ThAT Mask MEAnt" Yeah. That's. That's the point? So he can think about it and come to that conclusion himself which works as a keymoment in his characters journey from hating life and himself to enjoying being alive and wanting to live on because of the people he's surrounded with? He literally explains why he didn't immediately understand the mask during the EP:Link Epilogue/4
And to get back to the "I dunno why the f you think it's ok to lie about "! EnDiNG wItH wAtAeI EnGaGeMEnT" about which I have two things to say:
"Lying" implies further intent and an effort. Neither of which exist in this case.
He literally went down on one knee while making a big proclamation of offering himself to Eichi with a very personal item that works as a symbol for their commitment to each other on a starlit rooftop. The comparison writes itself.
3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke
And then I expected there to be a proper reason given and instead you proceed to follow that up with "when the chapter it happened wasn't even close to the end of ep:link". I know the shame is on me for expecting something sensical from an ask which has been near constant in it's lack of correct statements but such is human nature I suppose. And you are not wrong. Deadend/7 isn't very close to the end of EP:Link. That is true.
But do you know what Is very close to the end of EP:Link? The Epilogue Chapters 3-5.
Do you know what the content of those chapters is? I do. Very well actually :)
(Eichi literally explains why he didn't get it)
So if this answers your "Do you dumb fucks even read the stories?" questions, Yes. And I think I'm a lot better at it than you. So I'd say I'm coping quite well over here :p
PS: Regarding your PS, I take the "I've never been in love before so I wouldn't know" comment with a lot of humour actually as an aroace person who's emotional self awareness also ends at "good" and "Not good" I think it's very funny all things considered especially because he mentioned the loving Wataru thing several times before that and I'm generally of the belief that actions speak louder than words and also am in a happy long term relationship with the concept of "Reading Subtext". So please excuse me for not breaking down in tears everytime someone reminds me of that one singuar line of text in one of my favourite all time enstars stories that came out three years ago which also brought us the single best card set in the entire game
as well as absolute banger dialogue such as
Among others <33
And there are soooooo many other examples of wataei dialogue that simply make me swoon but I have already had to take out so many of the one's I wish I could put here so this wouldn't get "Do you love the colour of the sky" long
And also, regarding your "Wataru said that even though Eichi likes him, he still can easily discard him for the sake of his objectives" I'll just say that no he absolutely could not. I mean he'd say that and if pull comes to shove and he has no other option then he might seriously consider it but may I mention that Wataru was gone for a few days at most but really not that long of a time during Sanctuary and Eichi stopped considering being a normal rational person that doesn't leave helpless 17 year olds in the midst of a construction site. Very different situation but I feel like it's worth mentioninh here. Another example is Eichis almost not being able to go through with the war because of Wataru. Wataru had to actively come and tell Eichi to go through with it. Wataru isn't the reason Eichi started the war, that is wrong, but he is the reason Eichi almost didn't finish it. and during the war era that was his Main objective. Again I'm part of the fraction "actions speak louder than words" Show don't tell and all that, but even the words are pushing it.
And that concludes my essay :)
#I so won this#there were so many pictures and quotes I wanted to include but the limit..... :'(#if any of you were wondering I am still as insane about them as I ever was#thank you anon really genuinely and fully this has been a blast#if anyone reads the whole thing....mwah let's run off into the ocean together#or something like that idk but it is appreciated#they are my everything they really are#I'm very enamoured with the ''Cope''#Cope with what? I have nothing to cope with? well nothing wataei related at least#or the ''How do you live with the fact'' yadda yadda#How am I supposed to live with it it's funny i think it's very funny#You really trust what enstars characters say and take it at face value without examining the subtext further? amateur mistake#it's so passionate too anon i admire you#imagine disliking something so intensely you sent a very wordy ask to someone because of a silly post they made#I wish I had that much vigor in me#I mean i'd be too polite to even if I did but still it has somehting admireable to it#thanks to you i got to reread some of my favourite wataei interactions so now I think the last three hours were three hours well spent :)#genuinely thank you for the enrichment#I hope youll have a nice day we might not see eye to eye on this and I'm also objectively better at reading these stories and understanding#the characters but I still hope you'll have a nice day#as good karma or something#I'm currently still on that dopamine high from writing this i think it's obvious#best mood I've been in in ages I love talking about wataei#okay good I'll conclude the tags I've already stretched this post out so far i might as well spare the poor tag reader#but then again if you have read the post this far what's a few more tags to you#I really like the fact that the real bluebird is a dove it's soooooooo#it's good it's really good in the overall context#wataei#eichi tenshouin#hibiki wataru
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I genuinely believe the fact that so many popular Imogen/Laudna fics are no-powers AU is, if not the main cause, at least a factor in why so many people resist or even are hostile towards any interpretation of Imogen that isn't largely sweet and harmless. Like, write the fic you want, but Imogen in particular is someone so fundamentally shaped by her powers that to write a no powers AU is to write what is essentially a completely original character who happens to share her name.
I think it's made even more obviously a factor because many of those fics try to reconstruct aspects of Imogen's personality by giving her anxiety or agoraphobia (or both) but the problem is that those are purely mental illnesses, rather than something that both gives her powers and penalties (again, the X-Men problem). Some real-world mental illnesses cover the symptoms of Imogen's abilities, but none cover the abilities themselves. It's quite literally a removal of agency: they take away what she can (and frequently does) do with her powers, leaving only the negative effects on her behind while eliminating the negative effects she can have on others. No wonder there's this overwhelming push to woobify her from that corner; they've utterly defanged her and are now crying that other people who can still see her fangs (and even like them) are talking about them.
And the thing is, for all I can be negative about fanon, it is, ultimately, fine - so long one can either keep it separate in one's mind from canon or else remain in a particular fanon sandbox. But unfortunately people leave the sandbox, and when other people respond to the canon Imogen, who as of episode 81 (RIP CRStats) has voluntarily used Detect Thoughts/Open Mind 60 times and has openly stated her intent to use it specifically to know what her party members are doing in advance and theoretically prevent it, the fanfic crowd is utterly unable to react to this intelligently. The idea of Imogen they have is sweet girl with severe anxiety and a goth girlfriend. The problem is this construct exists only in their favorite fanfic writers' domestic fluff modern AU no powers setting. And frankly, I'm not interested in talking about that warped mirror version of her when I could have all the fascination, complexity, glory, and agency of the real thing.
#i also think that turning imogen's issues into specifically mental health only is for lack of a better term Not Great.#i remember when she took off the circlet people on twitter compared it to her going off her meds as like. a sympathy thing.#and. while obviously the psychiatric field is not without many flaws and prejudices. generally going off meds is. not a good sign.#i will say i would love to see the no-circlet au in which imogen stops ashton. i don't think that goes well at ALL.#like i don't know if they stick around after that.#cr tag#anyway been thinking about the role of fanfic a lot lately in case you couldn't tell#we are finally admitting the importance of They Would Not Fucking Say That and should embrace it#and i'm obviously thinking quite a lot about the book i just posted about a lot too#it is depressing that people are more comfortable with Girlfailure than Selfish#that a woman is only allowed memeable and sanitized quirky faults. GOD FORBID she want actual power.#(were i to be called selfish by someone i respect i'd feel bad but talk through it. girlfailure though? i'm stabbing them.)
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There are definitely many people and situations for whom the reply to this post is applicable and resonates and I'm just pulling an "I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me" here (which is why I'm linking instead of reblogging) but I do find the assumption that anyone you were once close to who is no longer in your life (or still in your life but in a different capacity) must suck/you must have good reason to resent them a little... sad/exhausting? And yes I know I'm lucky to have it not be applicable, and that there are statistically sound reasons for the "ex = person you hate" assumption, but given that I genuinely don't resent my exes or most of my ex friends at all this post hit me with the one-two punch of "man, yeah :(" -> "hey don't talk that way about [important person in my life who I miss] >:("
#personal#and yes i know the post was not @ me personally. that's why i'm making a new post about my emotional reaction#this is also a thing i do come up against in conversations that are @ me personally though. like when i confided#in former extrovert roommate about the former closest friend situation#and he tried to take the 'well if he ended things that suddenly over a situation you were only adjacent to you're better off without him'#approach#which. no i do not agree and trying to think like that does not make me feel better#possibly to be deleted
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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btw one of the things i want to do when i really rap up atbb for real is spontaneously get the energy at will to do actual updated fullbodies of the main 4 since now i actually have the ability to draw them the way they look in my head & have the skills to put some more variety in their shapes. basically i wanna
#warning big character design rambling in these tags but like. were u expecting any less#if ur wondering what changed-#first of all everybody has bigger hands bc i'm actively deciding to commit to that decision because i like it :3#next russ is a bit taller . i'll probably change some other things like making his armor look more solid & making him look more frail#-without it but i dont wanna pick up my tablet rn so thats all i feel like editing with my mouse lmao#edge has the biggest changes mostly in just being Wider. i want to make him Look stronger yknow#currently its just one of those annoying “skinny anime girl actually has 2d spraypainted abs and can lift a truck” tropes that i Hate#its a lil too many triangles when he should really be more like a triangle-flavored square. yknow#that being said the weirdly feminine hips were not intentional but only time will tell if they make it into the actual final design or not#i will not be making his pauldrons wider than they were originally. those things are already wacking everything around him they're fine#fluff's change is just being a bit skinnier so he looks more pathetic and sad. probably gonna try to make him look a bit younger too#but age is hard to represent with skeletons from The Land Of Sharp Features#i might also change up his pants/shoes more idk. Baggy Everything makes a very difficult silhouette and the boots are just boring tbhh#they're the bi flag but i dont think a single person has ever noticed lmao#and stretch's biggest change is that he's going to Have A Fullbody Reference That Isn't From 2019#probably make his hoodie longer/looser so i can make the transition to the leggings less awkward & show off his tank under it a bit more#the leggings & sneakers get to stay tho i think. the red wraps the design up well & the chicken legs are funny to me :>#and karma isn't here but he'll probably also get an update to be more square as well. and NOT SKINNYYYYYY#i gotta cram some more emotional repression & inferiority complex hints into his outfit so his post-void look contrasts more its IMPORTANT#AND ALSO NEVER USE UNDERTALE SPRITES AS A REFERENCE FOR ARMOR EVER EVER EVER AGAIN#that being said im really excited to one day finally sit down and draw his post-void design i think i'll have fun with that one#theres a reason my sf bros dont really fit their “roles” in the au yet like undyne & alphys do. hehehe#basically to sum up all these tags: becoming more skilled at art is a curse because you KNOW you can do things better now
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"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that
#joking but like. am I wrong though#yeah no one is able to overcome the inherent human flaw of emotion and anyone who thinks they can is in fact mentally unwell#except for me I'm built different I have actually managed to transcend emotion. this is a good thing and not a problem#I saw my father's anger and my mother's discontent and my brother's self loathing and my friend's yearning.#and I saw how it only made everyone more unhappy. and I decided I would be above them all and never let my emotions rule me.#I was scared of the dark until I realized that fear wasn't useful to feel. so I stopped feeling it#this is a good thing and I am a paragon of mental health I think#mmm alternatively I was made to play mediator in a family of traumatized ppl and learned to repress my emotions to the point of dysfunction#but I prefer to think I'm enlightened and have no problems. this is fine and will not blow up in my face#anyways. just now realizing that this might stem from my childhood. oops#also realizing that I'm probably not aro and I just learned to turn off romantic attraction bc I saw how miserable it made my friend??#well. I still don't experience romantic attraction. but probably I should and I will if I ever sort out this repression thing. whoopsie#really she was ready to kill herself over some white guy and I looked at that and was like. nope. I'm never stooping to that level#mm might not help that my parents never loved each other and I never had a healthy romantic relationship modeled for me as a child#but still like really like what is the point. of having emotions. they're just not useful#oh hurr durr I'm angry at my friends for talking over a tv show. there is no way to act on this without damaging ppl and relationships#ohh I'm in love with this guy who will never love me back. THERE IS NO PRODUCTIVE WAY TO ACT ON THIS#literally emotions can only be destructive and I'm a better person for opting out of them#there are no downsides to being repressed! I can still feel positive emotions. I'm happy sometimes. sometimes I'm excited. it's fine#guy who is Unpacking Things live on ur dash. sorry#narcissus's echoes#vent
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russ ballard on leaving argent:
(1974)
"Before I told the lads, I was pacing the floor all bloody night, which didn't exactly help health-wise."
"The hardest part about leaving was telling Robert Henrit, our drummer, 'cause we've always been in bands together over the past 12 or 13 years but it was just something I felt I had to do if I was going to do my own thing."
"Even at the time of Hold Your Head Up I wanted to do an album and play all the instruments and I thought hell, I don't want to reach the age of 35 and still be waiting to do something on my own. To produce my own things will give me the satisfaction of knowing that it is down to me, knowing that if anyone was going to take the rap, it would be me, whereas in a band, you can always spread the blame or credit to the rest of the boys."
"It bugged me a little bit because although Rod's a great organist, the solos particularly on my songs went on for too long in my opinion and it got me down. I thought some of the instrumentals on the album went on too long but that's the way Rod feels and you can imagine how these little differences become bigger and bigger year after year until you think, hell, I've got to do something about it."
"You can always change a situation that you are in. So many people sit around and complain and do nothing about it, whether it's in marriage or, in my case, music. But now I've changed my situation and I've always been a great believer in this method."
"I never realised this, but I was talking to Colin the other day about organ solos and he told me that he used to ask Rod in the Zombies' days if he could walk off-stage during the organ solos. Rod apparently couldn't understand why Colin was like this but I can see his point now."
"It's frustrating 'cause I'd like to do more piano and have a bash on the drums but I'm limited and it is frustrating just standing there watching."
"I reckon Argent are one of the best around at the moment and there's still room for improvement, but I think I've got more to offer on my own. We're a very close band and that's why we've lasted so long. Rod has said that we pull in different directions at times and it's perfectly true. I think the group will be better off without me 'cause he can do his thing and he won't have my influence and they'll have more direction."
"I wanna get a drummer, bass player and guitarist, preferably some good young talent who are enthusiastic. It's going to be very hard 'cause I've been in bands since I was 12 and Argent is the first band I've experienced who are totally into music. You'd always get one who was only after the birds and others who were in it for how much money they could get, so I want three guys who are into music and not into the trappings."
"I like to hear a few bum notes on an album as long as the performance is good. I find that Argent are too perfect at times, making each note too good and it doesn't sound real."
#russ ballard#1974#russ and bob aaaaaa help they're adorabllllllllle#russ says 'i think the group will be better off without me'#and then didn't rod say they should have just disbanded as soon as russ left#WELL r.i.p. to the band only two albums later#i love that russ was like 'i don't like my situation so i'm going to change my situation instead of just feel bad and complain about it'#also argent sounding too perfect#i can't remember where else i read it#where he said something like that#that he likes music to sound human#complete with flaws or something#i love that a lot and i'm pretty sure i have said something like that at one point years ago#i was probably talking about things like if somebody gets lyrics wrong or something it's such a human thing to do#and it makes it better in my opinion to see things like that#instead of trying to hide it and be as perfect as possible#it's easier to relate to them as a fellow human
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Han Sooyoung who had to endure the time frame of 50 years – could she still maintain a normal, functioning mind? Was she able to maintain the ego of the Han Sooyoung that I know of? "This is all because I made a deal with the 'King of Reincarnators'." ⸢It 'd b een be tter if I sac rificed myself ins tead.⸥ I turned my head to discover Yoo Joonghyuk glaring at me as if I was a pathetic fool. His lips bobbed up and down several times, but then, squeezed his eyes shut as if to suppress his anger and leaned his back against the couch's cushions. "I'd like to say something, but it seems that someone else will do that for me, instead." "What?" Right in that next instant, fiery pain shot up from the back of my head.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Joonghyuk just swallowing his anger and letting Sooyoung smack Dokja upside the head and yell at him while he just sits there and silently seethes is everything I never knew I wanted.
Ughhhh, and Dokja once again thinking that it should have been him to sacrifice himself. Dokja, you have such a "sacrificing yourself for other people" thing going on, and I know that cannot be healthy mindset as noble as it may be.
Not that Joonghyuk's plan was stellar in comparison. Joonghyuk, my guy, you are hundreds of years old and Dokja is like...thirty. And completely and utterly softhearted. As you well know. Please forgive him if he rejects the "let's spend who knows how long in this roleplay scenario orchestrating the perfect succession while everyone's minds continue to degrade" plan.
Sooyoung literally said that these idiots were gonna mess everything up and she was right. I swear, she can't take these two anywhere.
.
.
.
These three mean everything to me, guys. There is currently nothing I want more from ORV than to see them interact as much as humanly possible.
#orv#orv spoilers#orv liveblog#omniscient reader's viewpoint#orv novel chapter 380#kdj#yjh#hsy#seriously I'm kind of joking but also really not#I love seeing the three of them come together from their different perspectives and ORV even pointing this out - reader writer protagonist#and now that they all have their own versions of 'future knowledge' and there's no secrets as to them having it#I'm looking forward to some of the schemes that might be cooked up#or in the case of this scenario no scheme and them deciding to just follow yjh's idea of fighting now that that's the best option#...though I still do worry a teeny tiny bit that dokja will end up feeling useless since he's already thought that his companions#would be better off without him or that they're doing well when he's not around...if he starts to think 'yjh & hsy have got this covered'..
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TBH the best case scenarios in my mind for Fit's lore ending on Thursday are either:
Madagio has mercy. They know what it's like to lose everyone they love, and seeing what's happening on Quesadilla Island is just a reminder of everything they loved and lost. Madagio releases Fit, and he reunites with Pac e Mike and Richarlyson, and they're all able to leave Quesadilla Island.
Or:
Madagio and Fit destroy the Federation together. Fit goes full 2B2T mode and there's nothing left of the Federation once they're finished. Madagio and Fit finally have their revenge. (And then maybe Fit can reunite with Pac + all his loved ones and they escape the Island, or reclaim the island for their own since the Federation no longer has any power over them).
Bonus: A very unlikely but "Wouldn't it be fun?" scenario would be Pac and Mike flying down on a fully-grown dragon Richas and rescuing Fit from Vacuus Island and they fly away and live happily ever after.
#i talk#qsmp talk#Genuinely need a vacation after the past two weeks (or however long it's been)#I keep seeing people say ''the best case scenario is Fit dying lol'' and I clearly care WAY too much because seeing that made me legit mad#Did my whole ''lmao ok let's calm down and take a walk'' and went out for a few hours only to come back and be like#''no actually I'm still mad. This entire situation sucks.''#I think this will probably be the last mcyt type series I let myself get invested in. I'm so exhausted of being disappointed#and the constant angst the fandom churns out#I wanna be able to love things without getting burned#I've got enough things to be sad over irl I don't want my escapism series making me sad too#Worst case scenario for me is Fit dying or him getting trapped in 2b2t again#and/or him saying q!Pac is dead#I'll be honest: CCs killing off their character feels like a betrayal to the people who have spent so much time loving them#and like yeah there probably ARE ways to do it well#but it's like. why would you choose that option there are so many better options#negative#idk man I'm just frustrated by this whole thing#all the untagged suicide jokes are making me frustrated too
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been playing bits and pieces of horizon forbidden west! game's pretty as hell
#horizon forbidden west#photo mode#my edits#yannow. it got me thinking too. the npc fidelity in this game is off the fucking shits. never seen anything like it#even secondary dialogues are leaving all the competition in the dust. it's an insane level of work#major burnout red flags for sure. but also maybe talking about engines as specialized tools instead of ubiquitous ones isn;t so bad?#i mean there's definitely trends. ramming down RPGs down frostbite's throat has never worked well#while decima is tearing up the open worlds and tech fidelity quotas like nbd even on prev gen#is it really about implementation at this point#maybe some engines just. work best for certain types of hard goals. and choosing that right is what matters#i pkayed this after ragnarok and that game looks embarassing next to hfw. and I'm not even saying it flippantly. I stand by what i've said#shorter games less scope lower fidelity etc. for healthier dev teams. but this can be a scalability tell tale? maybe using something#like decima can mean an easier time for a standard EA dev cycle *without* hitting these insane fidelity goals. just thinking out loud#cause forever salty about frostbite. probably wrong but hey! I am on a blogging website famous for its phobia of deeper contexts#or maybe playing as aloy gave me that stupid self confidence juice#the way she bulldozes into delicate foreign policies with nothing but her ego and hutzpah really proves that whiteness is alive and well#in whatever variant of post-post-apocalypse this story is set into. they better interrogate her issues cause otherwise this plot will like#fizzle out under the weight of her self-righteousness lmao
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You know. I'm part of the fraction "to each their own and let people handle their lives however they see best fit". But I do feel the need to say that I have seldom seen such an idiotic assumption as that breaking up with someone four days before someone's birthday when you also want that someone to do something for their birthday even though you know you and your soon-to-be-ex will both have to be there won't end with that person just not doing anything with anyone for their birthday. Partially because nobody wants that kind of awkwardness after a fresh breakup and also because the soon-to-be-ex has the lovely habit of wallowing in self pity and making everything about how they have it so bad. You know I just think in such cases you should've waited a week with the breakup. I don't care how much you want to fuck that other guy but I really think you should've waited a week.
#delete later#sigh why always me...#can't somdone else get the complicated people for once#annoying#the soon-to-be-ex complained today in the group chat that nobody wouod ever go to a pub with him#when that is literally not the case#we would all go? he just never asked? and anytime someone else wants to go party or jusz out 90% of the time the answer is no?#I've known that guy for 13 years now and somehow it just does not get easier#like? anytime someone else asks him it's always “no i don't want to” but then you complain about how nobody would want to do anything#the call coming from inside the house is all I'm saying#'' oh but I couldn't go anyways I wouldn't fit“ ''why? nobody cares about random strangers thats usually not how people work''#'' thats not true'' ''they literally don't care though.'' ''not when that person looks 13'' ''yeah no they still literally wouldn't care''#''they would'' ''they wouldn't. people never do. why would they make an exception for you?'' and then no answer to that#because you can't argue against that anymore without having to confront the fact you're wrong#but then I'm getting told im not empathetic enough#i know i lack empathy I'm aware but I do make an attempt for serious situations. i just don't think stuff like that is serious.#especially when i once mentioend i think my father thinks I'll end up living off of state wellfare and become a disappointment#and the only reply to that was ''how did he arrive at that really likely assumption?'' my brother in christ do not complain to me about lack#of empathy I'm not the one telling people their fears of becoming the family disappointment are well founded and realistic#I'm not even going to excuse that through some ''oh autism'' stuff like no thats just tactless and mean#or all the condescending comments whenever i go out to ''party''#it's just drinking with some people i know it's not really partying#but I'm not the one looking down on people for experiencing stuff#contrary to popular assumption I'm actually really cool and i know that. that's why people ask me to do stuff with them.#because i don't say no 99% of the time and then complain that nobody would ever want to do something with me when that's just plain wrong#i also totally get why she wants to break up#how do you actively refuse to meet your partners friends for half a year and expect that to not become an issue.#how do you actively say you're not interested in doing anything for your partner and expect that to last#how do you whine about being a bad partner but never attempt to do better#i wish i could defend him here but i can't that dude is a horrible boyfriend
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I'm (mostly) keeping Purple Orange and Gold out of this because I haven't been working with them recently, but like. You have. Deus Ex Machina in the way of The Organic Is Machine And He Will Change You To Change Reality, you have Death and War and natural disasters, you have the One to Whom Soldiers Are Sacrificed In War. I'm looking at selves like...
The parts of myself I keep hidden are. all parts, because these are all ultimately halves of aspects and if you suppress an aspect you suppress the aspect... but I see the way I bleed into people. I see the Violent Mother, the one who will bleed your body out on her altar and who tears apart the bodies of the enemy to protect her hatchlings. Ive tried to stay human, but ultimately... this flesh, this soul flesh, eats human bodies. This takes human sacrifices. This tears apart countries, this drives people into psychosis, this pours revelation into eyes that either adapt to handle it or go mad, literally.
The whole part of Godhood is that you are what you are and you actively are it, you actively Be it. This - Dei - is the mergence of opposites which is in itself both the unification of opposites and the rending of similarities in one. Creation Through Destruction.
I'm constantly sitting here grasping at the shredded fabrics I have left (they're shrinking over time) of humanity and. guys. shh. the humans don't like this stuff. Guys, I'm not dancing and infecting people, I'm trying so hard to be quiet down here
#Thing is I know it's easier said than done. Next to no one who thinks ''If I show you my true power you'll explode'' is in any way correct#either because they're. like me. paranoid. Or they're completely misunderstanding that the level of ability to handle things in#spiritual places is so widely varied - you can Explode a few people from thoughts alone and then have no effect on anyone else#because if circumstances arise... well. a being can drown in a few inches of water and also resist being stabbed 10 times to#fight you off. if you even get the chance to be physical with them in the first place. But my god#That's what bothers me. I've had Thoughts Explode times and I think I forget what exactly led up to that#The old men haven't wiped entire locations off maps through allowing themselves to be themselves - or more so it's complicated#When God speaks about openings in time and gives you permission to be his guard dog and bite... that doesn't mean biting#toys afterwards is gonna have the same effect. There's entire causation and fate bodies and such that bring us to kill#Sun rays when focused into a laser melt rocks. that doesn't mean the sun can't touch skin without burning through it#This is why gods play chess: it's not a dick measuring contest. It's a who can use that dick better contest#OK thanks Lev for the insight#ramblings //#astral diary //#Astral body //#I just have shit playing on repeat in my mind constantly. I have been the apple fallen from the tree and I have seen the way the tree#impales the sky. When I'm a tree ill understand its a dance and not an impaling
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rewatching ben whishaw's richard ii and yea i think the biggest difference between his and the rsc version is that he plays richard's flippancy/disregard for other people's lives completely straight and in a kind of sinister way while david plays it for humor
#shoutout to the scene with dt's richard and gaunt because it's so FUCKING funny dwhgjkflkjwjlw#it's like that one twelve scene in dw where he's reading clara's flashcards for social interaction#and he's like 'uh i'm sorry for the death of your friend slash family member slash pet'. Same energy#ricky 2#in terms of 'what's more fun for me to watch' i like david better but both are v good ways to play the character imo#one emphasizes the dislikability and the other emphasizes the hubris#although i don't think playing richard's character for humor would work as well without an audience to bounce it off of#one of the weakest parts of david's 2009 film hamlet is that (now that i've listened to an audio clip of the stage recording)#the hamlet w rosencrantz/guildenstern bit in act 2 scene 2 is filled with too much dead air where the live audience would normally laugh#and like hamlet Is meant to be more Funny as a play in a way richard ii is not so it's not like. dealbreaking or anything#but i am so grateful that the rsc richard ii is a stage recording rather than. made for tv bc i can imagine a world#where tv dt richard ii would have a bunch of scenes like the hamlet/ros/guil scene where it would drag more than it needed to#so like while i do slightly prefer the rsc version both versions are ultimately best suited to their respective mediums#also rory kinnear plays henry a lot more human and sympathetic than nigel lindsay does#which means that while he is much much much more entertaining to watch#i do feel like the wider theme of the fragility and sheer ridiculousness of the monarchy as a concept comes thru better in the rsc version#as well as (perhaps accidentally..) satirizing the english nationalistic sentiment expressed by a bunch of the characters#but then again i don't think that's what hollow crown was shooting for they wanted to do a grounded drama and they did a grounded drama
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You can barely tell because I'm still, you know, posting, but the amount of time I spend here has decreased massively. Most of it was just scrolling out of restlessness and not actually wanting to post something lmao.
#Tomorrow my break ends so I want to quit it entirely save for designated log-in times so I don't lose touch with the mutuals <3#I'm thinking every three days or so. We'll see.#Ok I'm going to cram as many little updates as I can in the tags so I don't get tempted to log in again after this.#I learned to prepare a new lunch (toast with cream cheese and guacamole) and it's good even with the pepper mill missing#(so only seasoned with salt and lemon). It must be even better with pepper.#I copied it from something I ordered at a cafe a few days ago--kind of proud of it.#I'm also kind of proud of the fact that even though I've never prepared vegetables before (bell pepper and onion)#I could do it just from remembering the years of watching my mum cook. Without even the intent of learning.#I just absorbed by osmosis which parts she cut off and could replicate it pretty well.#Overall even though the current situation re:life would look pretty grim from the outside for a couple of reasons#I feels miles better just from the fact that I'm not playing cards and opening Tumblr and Discord like the fridge all the time.#I'm on track to finish Midnight's Children soon and loving it. Idk what I'll read next but I'm excited for whatever it is.#And I'm almost done learning my lines. In the nick of time before our first rehearsal.#I'm also rekindling my love for classical music. And my love affair with ancient Rome is alive and well.#I also started playing chess again. I want to write... And I might pick up violin again this time just for me.#Still drawing a blank as to what I want to *do* for the next years but maybe I'll get there. I'm thinking of getting a job.#l33chsp34k
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