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cripplecharacters · 2 months ago

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Writing Profoundly Intellectually Disabled Characters

[Plain Text: Writing Profoundly Intellectually Disabled Characters]

While there is a glaring lack of intellectually disabled characters - except maybe big, physically strong, white men who can’t “tell right from wrong” or have a personality - in all sorts of media, specifically profoundly intellectually disabled characters are next to non-existent, with the existing ones being used more often as plot devices rather than portrayed as human beings.

This does make a degree (and not more) of sense considering that 85% of ID people have it mild, 10% moderate, 3.5% severe and only 1.5% has profound ID, the larger group inevitably gets more representation (which doesn’t make it good, but it does exist). However, it hopefully doesn’t need explaining that minorities deserve to be represented too (...and represented well), so this is what this post will be about.

Please don’t treat this as your only source on writing a character like this (even though I’m willing to bet it’s the only one like this, at least on tumblr), do your research and always check other sources.

Also, for clarity: intellectual disability isn't an umberalla term for "mental/brain disability". It's a specific, singular diagnosis that used to be known as "mental [r slur]". It's not the same as brain damage, autism, dementia, dyslexia, and anything else that's not specifically "intellectual disability". It's something that you are either born with or acquire early in life.

How do I Include Them in the Story?

[Plain Text: How do I include them in the story?]

A profoundly ID person will spend the majority of their time either at home or in some sort of care facility since they will require 24/7 help. The easiest role to put them in is probably a family member of another character. I've mentioned on this blog before that the "ID characters always end up as the annoying younger sibling" thing is overdone, but none of these necessarily have to be true for this suggestion to work (especially not the "annoying" part).

A non-ID character could have an intellectually disabled older sibling, twin, cousin, uncle/aunt, the sibling of a grandparent, etc. Seriously - a severely disabled person can be an adult, or even an elder. Just not as a parent, since a profoundly disabled person can't consent (a lot of ID people very much can, but this is the one disability where your level of functioning is baked into the exact diagnosis - profound ID comes with the inability to consent/understand the consequences enough to consent).

"They're a family member" is basically the easiest "excuse" to include a profoundly intellectually disabled in a story (and, as a bonus, you don't have to figure out how the other character would react to meeting them for the first time, since they probably knew each other for a long time already).

If your story isn't about the profoundly disabled character and instead just features them as a character, it would be much easier to not make the other character their primary caregiver. It's simply a ton of work and the character wouldn't have time for fighting dragons and whatnot - it'd be easier to have the abled character spend time with the disabled character at home (or care facility; you can very much visit someone in one) hanging out rather than actually doing the caregiving part.

Outside of a home and a care facility, there are also day care programs that some people might attend. This is the rarest solution out of the three mainly because of financial reasons, but also these resources aren’t as common for people who can’t walk, learn self-care, etc. Going to one takes time (the profoundly disabled person isn’t gonna walk there by themselves) and probably requires a specialized van (that you can bring a wheelchair in, which is incredibly expensive). Most day care programs are focused on people who are moderately or severely ID at most. One made for profoundly ID people would require 1:1 aides, which generally means the programs are much smaller for logistical reasons, but also even more expensive. For most people, too expensive without funding. Basically, this is an option, but you have to consider your character’s financial situation and/or what kind of financial support do disabled people get where they live.

Another way is having the disabled character in some sort of high position - in real life there were quite a few cases of profoundly and severely intellectually disabled royalty. Depending on the place and time there might have been pressure to not let the public see them, but this wasn't always the case. The biggest example of the latter was probably Emperor An of Jin (the first Jin, Eastern one) who was, as his title suggests, crowned at some point. He didn’t actually rule (his uncle did) but yes, you can have a severely disabled person as the head of a monarchy, it’s not without precedent.

In fiction you can do whatever you want anyway when it comes to ableism, you can have it be there, or you can have it not be there - and if it does exist then there are still different kinds of ableism you can portray that aren't the "literally killing-the-disabled-baby/hiding-them-in-some-dungeon level of eugenics" kind. Maybe a rich family who cares about their image would actually be unable to shut up about their kid to show how "saint-like" they are for caring for the disabled - it is unfortunately realistic, and can be a potential way to have the character exist in public, not ignore ableism, and also not go the aforementioned literally-just-murder route that writers usually do to show an ableist family.

Characterization

[Plain Text: Characterization]

Warning; the bar here is somewhere in the Earth's inner core. If your character has a single characteristic beyond aggressive/loud/unmanageable*, they're automatically at the top of most complex fictional representation of severely/profoundly ID characters. Congrats.

* - Some people are those things but, unsurprisingly, they're other things too. A lot of profoundly ID people can actually be completely quiet - you notice people who are loud because they're loud.

As with literally every character, you need to figure out what they like and not like. This can be quite literally anything, but try to think of the basic stuff. Do they have something they really enjoy eating (and conversely - something they refuse to eat)? Do they have some sort of comfort toy or object they don't want anyone touching (and maybe showing them playing with it with a different character could be a way to show how much they trust them)? In more modern settings, do they have a favorite show they always bug everyone to put on? Are they really clingy or do they hate physical contact (again, maybe they only enjoy it from a specific character)?

Another characterization could be comfort objects. A lot of profoundly ID people are autistic (which I'll touch on later) and will have an object that they bring everywhere the same way that non-ID autistic people might. There's nothing really specific here, just another layer of "this character is a Person". Maybe they have a blanket they really enjoy chewing because the texture feels good or some sort of plushie they like to throw around because it makes a sound they find funny. Lots of options. Maybe they have a personal “tell” to let others know they want their comfort object brought to them.

Keep in mind, you have to show this all in non-verbal manner. A profoundly ID person is probably not using any sort of AAC device (the most robust one I remember seeing right now was a low-tech one with "yes" and "no", but there are probably ones who operate on a larger amount of singular words). This is basically another opportunity for characterization - what do they do when they're happy - laugh, flap their arms, make sounds? - and when they're upset - scream, hit themselves, make different sounds? Obviously, you'd have to take other disabilities into account (e.g. many profoundly ID people won't move much, some might not be able to make much audible sound, etc.) but almost anything helps.

This brings us to…

Communication

[Plain Text: Communication]

An important thing (concept?) I'll throw here is "total communication", which can mean different things in different contexts, but here I'll use it to mean "using everything you can to communicate with someone who cannot do so in a ‘traditional’ way".

Communication can be categorized as having two sides; expressive and receptive. For most intellectually disabled people in general, receptive skills tend to be significantly higher than expressive ones, though there are specific disorders where it’s reversed or equal. As mentioned before, most profoundly ID people won’t speak orally, won’t use sign language, and won’t use AAC (though out of all three, AAC is the most likely one). Some might say single words, but that’s about it. It’s not a “physically mute but can write perfectly grammatically correct sentences” situation, it’s more of a “[single noun]” one, if anything. Receptive skills however are pretty decent (in comparison) and they would probably understand their name, the name/title of their carer(s), names of things they see every day, events they have some frame of reference to (e.g. if they grew up Christian, they would probably know what Christmas is), etc. Your other characters could (and should) talk to them like they can understand, even if they don’t catch everything or even most of it. I say a lot of “probably” there, but the people who can’t do so usually have other comorbidities, which I’ll mention later.

To go back to expressive communication, eye pointing can be used to figure out what the character wants. A change in breathing can be used to tell that a character got stressed. Throwing an object can be used as a hint that the character wants to play. Maybe them reaching towards person A means they want to eat, but reaching towards person B means they want them to sing a song for them. Maybe them making a particular face means they just had a seizure and need to be comforted. Whatever their "tells" like this might be, other characters who know them would probably be able to tell more-or-less what's going on - you don't have to go really in-depth, especially if it's a minor character, but figuring out the ways your character communicates with others will make it feel more like a person and not a Disabled Lamp (“if you can replace a disabled character with a lamp or a sick dog, they’re not a character”).

If you read some of these and go "that's a thing that a child would do" then you're not necessarily wrong. A profoundly ID adult might enjoy activities that primarily kids partake in. This is, I can't stress this enough, not the same as "mentally being a child". Otherwise, a whole bunch of adults on this very website would be "mental middle schoolers" based on the shows that they watch - but they're obviously not. A profoundly ID adult doesn't have the "mind of a baby" if their favorite game is throwing a toy, they have the mind of a profoundly intellectually disabled adult. Sometimes people assume that since ID people aren't mentally [incorrect age], they always "act their [actual] age" and essentially end up downplaying how much some people's ID affects them, when the point is that no matter what you do, you are your age. An ID character who is 26 years, incontinent, constantly puts their hand in their mouth, can't speak, whatever, is mentally 26 years old the same way that they would be if they had a wife and a mortgage.

For the last thing from this section I'll circle back to the assumption that all severely/profoundly ID people are loud, aggressive, etc. - as I said, some of them are (just like abled people). The thing is, this is not always an unreasonable response to being unable to communicate with the people who are caring for you. If you had a pressure sore but couldn't explain it to anyone you'd be pissed off and screaming too. That's an extreme example, but still applies. If someone is severely stressed out (for an abled person, this might be inheriting a ton of debt, for a profoundly ID person it can be a change in daily routine), they can lash out. It's an unpleasant but very much human reaction to have, even if what's behind the ID person's behavior is significantly different from what an average abled person might consider "a good reason".

So I guess my advice is, try to show some empathy to the character, even if they genuinely are loud and/or aggressive. Intellectually disabled people - including the profoundly disabled ones - aren't some alien species that is just mean and hates their caregivers for no reason, some just can't process their feelings the way an abled person might because of their disability. That's not to say that caregivers aren't allowed to feel frustrated - because they are - but that very severely disabled people aren't purposefully evil. As mentioned in the earlier parts, all behavior has a cause, just like for literally everyone. So if the character is being "unmanageable": maybe they aren't some cursed burden, maybe they're just stressed out of their mind and now someone they don't know that well is trying to do *something* to them, which they can't figure out because of their disability affecting their receptive language skills.

Resources and What to Keep in Mind

[Plain Text: Resources and What to Keep in Mind]

Some resources you might read about ID can be potentially misleading. Even if you specifically look for causes of the profound severity of intellectual disability, you will get results for mild ID. That's mainly because people with mild ID make up >85% of intellectually disabled people and those with profound ID make like 1%, so they're a minority in a minority.

Basically:

Down syndrome is a very unlikely cause. It's always listed as the main genetic cause of ID, but that's only true for mild and moderate severities. If you choose any of the common causes of ID make sure it actually has the symptoms you're looking for.

Most profoundly ID people will have either severe brain damage early in life (and this can come with cerebral palsy), cephalic disorders (e.g. microcephaly), genetic conditions that you've never heard of (e.g. Pallister-Killian or Emanuel syndromes, 3p deletion), genetic conditions that you've never heard of for a very understandable reason (e.g. X-linked intellectual disability-limb spasticity-retinal dystrophy-arginine vasopressin deficiency… there are hundreds named in this way), or just have it without a known cause. The last one happens much more often than people tend to assume.

For a reason I'll probably discover at some point, most disorders and syndromes that come with ID are said to have "autistic-like features" rather than being "comorbid with autism". In practice, it's the same thing. Your character is probably autistic.

In the same way, a lot of practical resources will assume that ID = moderate ID (since most mildly affected need no or minimal support, and severely/profoundly disabled ones are a small minority) so pay attention if you're looking at the right things. If it's talking about having a job, travelling alone, etc., then you got clickbaited.

Another subsection here will be comorbidities because there are a lot of them. I’ll mention the biggest ones.

Brain damage is the most common one (except autism) and can vary a lot. There is barely anything I can say about this one, it’s an enormous spectrum that for some people causes disability and for others barely affects their symptoms. Cerebral palsy, especially quadriplegic, is seen a lot and might affect the character’s mobility a lot. Some people might be unable to breathe or swallow and need a breathing or feeding tube.

Deafness and blindness are comorbid with a surprising amount of causes of ID. The thing is, you could take advice for deaf/blind characters as-in for a character that has both (e.g.) glaucoma and mild ID and not change much, but this doesn’t really work for a character who’s profoundly disabled like this. The situation that can happen here is that it’s not actually known if the person is or isn’t deaf or blind because they can’t tell you. As mentioned earlier, some people will have absent receptive communication skills. How do you verify if they’re deaf or just not reactive to language? Some people won’t react to even extremely loud sounds, even if they can hear them perfectly well (besides, a lot of deaf people can still hear some). Same for verifying if they are blind - obviously, sometimes there’s something visual going on, but often there isn’t. Especially since the main causes of both blindness and deafness will be brain-based, not ear- or eye-based. Another character not being sure if the disabled character is blind or just very uninterested in visual stimuli is a possibility, especially with less advanced medicine. This is also why you might see those weird statistics of "between 5-90% of people with [condition] are deaf" kind.

Mobility is almost always severely affected. Some are fully mobile, but that’s simply not common. The average person will be unable to walk independently. It’s not always a muscle or nerve problem (though it absolutely can be), it’s mostly an issue of coordination. Because of this (and understanding physical space), operating a wheelchair (...successfully) might be impossible. This doesn’t mean you should just drop your character in a hospital wheelchair for them to get wheeled around because they will probably need a wheelchair that will actually support them - a headrest, ability to tilt, a harness, all that. This could be done with a powerchair (they can have controls on the back for a second person to operate), a manual wheelchair, or an adaptive stroller.

Now for resources;

One good resource I can recommend is SBSK (which I shared before), to my knowledge this is the only place that interviews severely and profoundly ID people (+their families) and the interviewer is great at actually interacting with many of them.

Most resources on the practical things only ever talk about caregivers (who are very important) but completely ignore the actual person being cared for which IMO kinda defeats the point.

Good luck writing!

mod Sasza

#mod sasza #intellectual disability representation #writing resources #writing ideas #writing disabled characters #writeblr #writing advice

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starshinegazer · 9 months ago

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Shoutout Sunday

I just wanted to collect some of the most memorable Astarion fanfics I've read so far and to give them and their authors a big ol' shoutout. These are some of the fics I strongly suggest others to check out, if you haven't yet.

Also, please feel free to comment and recommend your favorites as well! And, if you know of some of these authors on tumblr, lemme know, so I can add them too :) I'm not too good with words, so I'll be slapping some of the authors own words as descriptions (for now). Oh, and do be mindful of tags etc etc... Here goes, in no particular order:

Pieces Still Stuck In Your Teeth by howlsmovinglibrary (@wetcatspellcaster) "The Vampire Ascendent has crossed a line. Eleven years after making the biggest mistake of her life and losing the man she loved, tiefling wizard (now Archmage) Rosalie decides it’s time to put this Astarion in the ground for good. Hopefully, both her head and her heart are strong enough to see this awful task through to its end."

An Honest Lie by howlsmovinglibrary (@wetcatspellcaster) "Astarion and Rosalie think they understand each other perfectly, but they have each fallen prey to the other’s mask. As they both go forward with their adventure, will either of them dare to be honest?"

A Crooked Touch by eyes_of_the_lamb "If you want to read a story where Astarion is sweet from the start and Tav is here to fix him, this isn't the one. If you want to read about two terribly broken men spending a good long while making each other worse before they make each other better, this might be for you. If you thought the in-game romance was a little too easy and it should have been ten times more painful and difficult to convince Astarion he's worthy of love, this is definitely for you."

Perfect Slaughter by Imagineitdear (@imagineitdearies ) "Tyrus, a low-born drow with aspirations for necromantic wizardry, finds none of the hospitality he expected from his new noble patron, Cazador Szarr. Quickly he loses his life and future, his hopes and dreams—only to find something new to fight for in the unlikely arms of Cazador’s least favorite spawn."

A Novel Experience by meanboss (@meanbossart ) "Initially just an epilogue for my own game campaign with my big meaty dark urge drow, turned whole story which I accidentally deleted and am now reuploading, my bad LOL

Hope you enjoy!"

Carving Through The Dark by skitter "The realm is safe and the story is over.

Wren and Astarion descend into the Underdark in search of a new purpose, and learn a few things along the way. Namely, that healing isn't linear and sometimes love takes the long way round."

Blood In The Weave by gingealish "There is no need to breathe, but I miss it all the same. The suffocating silence, the desperate darkness have encapsulated me for I don’t even know how long; It could have been tendays or years. I’ve long since accepted my punishment, stopped trying in vain to crack the seal of my tomb against the onslaught of panic and hunger. Now I lay here, thinking of the friends I’ve lost, the lover who turned on me, and how to finally get even.

Astarion is the new Big Bad Evil Guy. Spawn Tav is rescued by a familiar face. "

When He’s all but Forgotten How to Love Again by bg_brainrot "You saved Baldur’s Gate almost 300 years ago. You died 150 years ago. On a new life now, you find that memories from your past lead you to a specific silver-haired man. Who was he, and why won't he leave you be? tldr; An Elf-Tav reincarnation story where Tav dreams about Astarion in their nightly reveries and eventually seeks him out once they reach maturity. Things definitely totally go well."

More Than Any Words by mataglap "They have saved the city and possibly the world. All is great and everyone is happy... except Astarion has been banished back into the shadows, and Tav is stuck in an uneven battle with his own oath. He's losing the fight. He knew he would from the moment he fell for Astarion. But he can't lose yet, not before they find a way for Astarion to walk in the sun again."

Inexhaustible Oil by homeward_bound "This is the absolute opposite of a redemption fic. A post-canon, fall-from-grace, "I can make you infinitely worse" kind of story, in which there is no simple happy ending. But there's mystery on the way. And dragons. True love, even. So if you're fine with that, come aboard. It's going to be a wild ride."

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goat-guy-tm · 3 months ago

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I was talking about deep analysis of Curly and Jimmy's dynamic in my discord server (which you should join), and I thought "Hey! Maybe tumblr would like this!" So, here this is! It's a rough copy paste of what I said, edited slightly to fit better in a post format:

Also long post warning.

I feel like because a lot of ppl haven't experience people like Jimmy irl they have a hard time understanding why Curly acts the way he does, and by no means is it still 100% okay, but when you know someone that's been mentally manipulating you for years if can become easy to be tunnel visioned to they pain they cause others. I think a big example of that is when Anya shows concern over Jimmy's last psych evaluation but when Curly does it Jimmy (from the little text we get about it) tells him it was just all jokes, which could have been, but when it's just Jimmy and Curly it's much lighter in perspective, because Curly believes him, and Curly sees no reason for Jimmy to lie to him about his mental state (which he obviously was doing as he has quite the psychotic break a few days later)

Not to mention, Jimmy gets quite aggressive at Curly when he notices that Curly is rethinking his career. He activly calls him horrible things for 'not appreciating his position and wanting something new' (<not direct words but overview), when if Jimmy was a good friend he would have been talking about it with Curly. Instead he shames Curly for it, that in Jimmy's mind it's unfair for Curly to not be happy cause Curly has a better seat than him, but he'll frame it as them, the whole crew, to make Curly feel bad about it.

Like, when the rest of the crew learned they were going to be let go after that haul, none of them were really mad at Curly for him being the only one to be given a recommendation and compensation. Yeah Anya and Swansea are upset about it, but only Jimmy is the one to call out Curly for being the only one to relieve special treatment, when it's pretty established Curly is/was one of Pony Expresses' best pilots. But Jimmy doesn't talk about himself during the party. Swansea mentions how unfair it is that PE is throwing them to the side after all these years, Anya almost has a panic attack over not having any money in savings, Daisuke isn't really phased since he's only an intern, but Jimmy gets mad at CURLY, not Pony Express. He even full on calls it Curly running away, as if Pone Express closing them down is Curly's fault for wanting something different for his life

I mean what's wild to me is I'm p sure Curly even has a conversation with Jimmy in the game about how he hasn't been handed anything and has been working hard for where he is. Curly never out right really says it, but he does make mention of both of them working hard. Then again Curly doesn't talk about himself a lot even in conversation (minus the "on the edge of a bridge with your feet in the cememnt" one cause Jimmy made it about him)

When going back through the playthrough, I realized Jimmy is such a well written villian because he convinces even Curly that Curly is the villian here, the one in the wrong. Curly isn't perfect, he is quite literally the imperfect victim, but Jimmy is such a big manipulator that he convinces Curly it's HIS fault all this is happening, that Curly needs JIMMY so that he can fix all this, only for Curly to realizes what Jimmy's been doing when he finds Jimmy curled up outside the cockpit with a ship wide system failure blaring.

Buddy Corl: "Hey, just an idea, would Jimmy keep Anya alive so that Curly can stay alive? He berates her medical expertise but never elects to care for Curly beyond feeding him pills."

I'd say 50/50. A big thing is Jimmy quite obviously doesn't view Anya as a person, or at the very least views her as bottom of the barrel useless, but after the crash and with Curly how he was, there was no way he'd be able to do it and survive, because the entire time Swansea has the axe and Jimmy even recognizes that if he steps out of line too far within the lines of "I'm captian so I say so", then Swansea would basically usurp him. His own personal caring for Curly was most likely to keep him suffering. He voted on keeping Curly alive, and unless he was just trying to blend in with the others, then he did it because he wanted to keep Curly suffering.

Friend Corl again: "There was a Tumblr post that claimed the hands of the others were missing (the overview angle of Curly on the table was used as evidence) but this could just be the angle of the scene itself as he was going to die shortly after."

Hm, it could have been either the angle, a rendering choice from the devs or Jimmy could have cut their hands off. Idk why he would only go for the hands though, since he seems to show full intrest in cannablism. But you could chalk it up to a concept of keeping them from being able to do anything. Yes they are dead but Jimmy is far gone enough to believe that cutting their hands off could still make him better because they can't do anything to change what he's done.

Anyways that's it! For some context on why this is so important to me, from elementary school to the end of middle school I had a 'friend' that I was extremely close with. She was a horrible person who mentally, emotionally and physically tortured me for years, but since I was a child I never saw anything wrong with it. I would even rush to her defense when people would point out to me that what she was doing was bad. Now a days I hate her, and I love to talk shit about her, but I think a lot of people don't fully take in Curly's actions because they haven't gone through that (and they shouldn't, mind you).

I feel for Curly a lot, because I see myself in him in how he tries so desperately to protect someone he didn't even realize was killing him. Curly isn't perfect, and believe me I wasn't perfect when I was friends with her. She made me act out against people to gain her approval, she made me bitter and mean to others, do things I would never do. Very few people acknowledge what an over powering manipulator that has been controlling you for years can do to a person.

#curly mouthwashing #mouthwashing game #mouthwashing #copilot jimmy #jimmy mouthwashing #captain curly #mouthwashing analysis #cw long post #long post #cw child abuse #tw manipulation #tw child abuse #cw manipulation #swansea mouthwashing #anya mouthwashing #daisuke mouthwashing

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ettawritesnstudies · 2 years ago

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Etta's Guide to Writeblr (March 2023)

So you fled here from Twitter/TikTok... Where to start?

Welcome to Writeblr! Pull up a chair, open those documents, and pour yourself a cup of your favorite tea, coffee, or cocoa. The first thing you'll want to do is start following other writers. Check out this post for recommendations! Search through the notes to find hundreds more. Since I made that post, a bunch of people mentioned they're lurking and still trying to figure out tumblr, so I thought I'd make this post to help people get settled.

How to set up your blog

Make your blog name something not resembling a pornbot - it can be whatever you want, anything fun goes, just not [name###]. If you include "writer" or "author" somewhere in the url it makes it easier to spot writeblrs at a glance but it's not a requirement

Change your profile to something that's not the default, Make sure you have a blog title, and add a little description in your blog header if you feel like it!

Make a pinned post introducing yourself (pls don't use your real name or any IDing information for privacy's sake, this isn't facebook), a short summary of your WIPs, and links if you have an author's website/newsletter/ao3/etc. You can check my pinned post for an example

Make intro posts for each WIP! You can spruce these up with graphics (canva and unsplash are both great free resources to make edits/moodboards), excerpts, lists of tropes, character intros, etc. Link to the WIP intro in your pinned post so it's easy to find! You can update these as often as needed

If you want to make character intros, go wild. If you can't draw, piccrew is a great option. Just start talking about your WIP!

Come up with a tagging system to keep your blog organized. I recommend individual wip tags or at least one for your original writing in general so it's easy to search for your work on your blog

Keep track of Taglists for your WIPs. Whenever you post a new thing about your story, tag the people who asked to be notified to make sure they see it! Only tag people who ask to join the taglist, but it's a good way to keep track of interest. It's normal to have multiple taglists for each story+ one general writing taglist.

How to make writer friends

Reblog their work and add nice comments, either in the tags, comments, or the reblog itself People notice regulars in their notes and appreciate the attention. I promise it's not weird to compliment a total stranger

If that's too intimidating, community events are your friend!

Weekly Ask Games: These are weekly events that are loosely themed where writers send each other asks about their WIPs! The most common are Storyteller Saturday (about the writing process), Blorbsday (aka Blorbo Thursday about characters), and Worldbuilding Wednesday (about the setting of your story). If you answer these late, nobody really cares, but it's a fun way to receive prompts and learn more about other people's stories.

Ask Games/Memes: These are posts with lists of questions you can reblog from other people, sometimes themed or listed with emojis. It's common courtesy to send an ask from the list to the person you reblog it from, then people can send you questions as well, so you can talk about your stories! You can search for dozens of them

Tag games: There's a ton of different types of tag games, but basically someone @s you with a challenge/question, you reblog with your answer, and then @ a bunch of other people to continue the chain. Some common ones are Heads Up 7s Up (share the last 7 lines of your WIP), Last Line Tag (share the last line you wrote), and Find the Words (ctrl+f the given words in your doc and share the results, then give new words).

Formal events: These are community wide participation challenges organized by certain blogs! @writeblrsummerfest is every July?? August? I think? It's run by @abalonetea a few years strong, and there are daily prompts and ask games! @inklings-challenge is a month-long short story entry for Christian writeblrs. I think there was a valentines event in February. @moon-and-seraph is hosting a pitch week soon! Since these are more organized, it's very easy to find similar blogs and support!

Misc. Notes on using Tumblr

Follow the tags #writeblr and #writeblr community to find other writers, as well as other tags that interest you like #fantasy for example

If you want to bookmark a post to read later, you can like it and/or save it to your drafts

The queue/schedule function is very useful if you want to space out posts or have a backlog to keep your blog running when you get busy. This is good for the community because it gives older posts a chance to be rediscovered! You can change the posting frequency in the settings.

REBLOG YOUR OWN STUFF. People aren't always on at the same times and so it's the best way to account for people with different schedules and timezones. If you're worried about being annoying, you can tag those #self reblog or something similar and other people can filter the tag, but otherwise it's a welcomed and accepted practice.

If your excerpt is pretty long, put it under a cut. On desktop you can do this by selecting the squiggly button on the far right when you make a new paragraph, on mobile type :readmore: then hit enter.

It's polite to add descriptions to images and videos for visually or auditory impaired people. If you don't know how to write descriptions, here's a good resource

In your dashboard settings, it's best to shut off the options "Best Stuff First" and "Based on your Likes". These function as the website algorithm and suppresses the blogs you actually follow, which defeats the purpose of the site, letting the dash be in reverse chronological order. Also turn off Tumblr Live because it's malware as far as anyone's concerned.

Curate your experience, block the trolls, and be nice

Update for March 2024

How to shut off AI Scraping on your blog

Go to settings and find the Visibility tab

Scroll down to the tag that says "Prevent Third-Party Sharing"

Turn that knob over so that Automattic can't steal your work for their language training model databases >_<

The other settings will just hide your blog from search engines so they're useful for hiding from nosy parents or other Tumblr users but if you're trying to build an author platform you can leave them off.

Again, welcome to the community! I hope you have a ton of fun!

#writeblr #writer community #etta rambles #welcome to tumblr #guide to tumblr

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runawaydr3amerao3 · 2 months ago

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Asking here in case you could help me find a Wincest Fic!! I’ve been following your recommendations for a while and figured you were probably familiar with the scene!

Relationship was: Sam/Dean

It featured Sam being mute, or at least unable to speak. I believe this would also be pre-canon as well! A scene that I remember vividly was Sam and Dean learning sign language. Dean, at one point, turned off the lights when he had an argument with Sam and it ended up causing a rift.

(UPDATE: FOUND!) Fic Search: SPN, Wincest (Dean/Sam), Mute Sam

(Update 2025-Jan-04: The wonderful @soulmates-for-real-tranquility found the fic! It is Facta non Verba by dimeliora. Thank you so much! Thank you also to everyone who saw this post and searched or reblogged, as well as those I asked in the @wincestbookclub discord. Teamwork makes the dream work. I love this fandom. 🫶💖)

Ohh, that rings a really loud bell, specifically the scene where Dean turns off the light so Sam can't communicate with him. But for the life of me, I cannot remember the fic!

I searched on AO3 with the tags Mute Sam Winchester and Muteness (filtering by Explicit and English, since that's what I read), then went through the spnstoryfinders' past Mute Boys searches, but couldn't find anything that seemed to match.

I even tried the same searches with deafness instead of muteness just in case, but again, no luck.

I mean, it's very possible I'm overlooking something (especially with my Explicit filter—maybe this fic was in a series, and the scene was in a part not rated E, so I'm missing it?), misremembering, or even that AO3 is doing that thing where it just leaves matching fics out of search results. 😒 But it could also be that the fic isn't tagged in a way that makes it searchable through tags.

So I'm really hoping someone out there in Tumblr land might be able to help us with this one? If anyone knows the fic we're looking for, please get in touch! We would be super grateful! ��

Also, thank you for reaching out, @teagreenlatte! 🥰 I hope you've found some fics to enjoy among what I've shared over on @imthedr3amer! I'm sorry I couldn't find your fic here, but I definitely found some stuff to read while I was looking for it (some old, some new, some re-reads), so thanks for that as well. They'll end up on the side blog eventually too!

Happy New Year's Eve! 🥳

#ask and ye shall be answered #fic search #wincest #fanfic #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #samdean #sam and dean #sam x dean #sam winchester #dean winchester #mute character #mute!sam #disabled character #spn fanfic #spn

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qqueenofhades · 9 days ago

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I only recently found your Tumblr and have been enjoying it. I wondered if you'd seen the new article in The Atlantic yet? It's everything I was afraid of and more.

https://www.tumblr.com/meret118/776013260973539328/faa-employees-say-trump-and-musks-purge-is-a?source=share

I have not, because I am very, very careful about my news and social media consumption these days. Not least because I have been here since at least 2016 talking about how bad Trump et al are and what they can do, will do, and are doing, so I don't see the need to expose myself to even more distressing information that confirms what I already know and which I can do nothing to control. So, like... I know that Trump and Musk are evil rapacious shitbirds who are doing their level best to turn the US into a tinpot theocratic oligarchy for their own personal benefit, and are completely uncaring of any consequences or impact on the American people. As far as they're concerned, breaking things and causing pain and suffering is the point, just like the cruelty.

As well, the American media played such a large part in getting us into this mess that I am especially wary of giving them more Panic Clicks (TM) in the Trump 2.0 era, considering everything they did to bring it about. They destroyed Biden and forced him out of the race in six short weeks after the first debate debacle; they could have chosen to do this to Trump at literally any time, and they did not. The billionaires who own the news media are already bending their knee and eagerly lapping Trump's bloated orange backside with its PROPERTY OF VLADIMIR V. PUTIN tattoo. The more "liberal" outlets, i.e. the Atlantic, are getting back into their Principled Defender of Truth mode, where they can once more whip up Democrats and liberals into a panic (hardly as if that needs much help) to do... what?

Obviously, accurate reporting about the current Shitshow Moment is an important public service, but we had four years of Trump loudly stating his intentions at every possible moment while only continuing to get worse. As I said before, nothing he's doing now, heinous as it might be, is a surprise, because he said it all many times beforehand. But because half the country nonetheless just shrugged and voted for him again, the problem of informing them goes much deeper than just reading another Atlantic article about how it's exactly bad as we thought. This isn't pointed at you by any means; you're doing the work to keep yourself informed and to think about what you're going to do about it. Right now, however, I myself really don't need any more information and everything I learn about politics in the present moment is often against my will. (See: ferocious blacklisting, avoiding national news sites, trying to comment only on constructive aspects of the situation, etc.) So at this point, I'm keeping strictly away from the kinds of alarmist reports that tell me stuff I already know: it's really bad, it's gonna get worse, and we are the ones who are going to pay for it. But because half the country is locked in the Trump bubble, how do we deal with that? They're not reading highbrow Atlantic articles about how bad it is. They're reading AI gobbledygook on social media websites owned by fascists, that comfort them in their belief that however bad it is, it's a justified punishment for those Bad People over there and it doesn't matter if they suffer too, as long as the Bad People do. So we've gotta deal with that first.

Anyway: I hope this didn't come off as too dismissive, and I'm glad you're enjoying my blog! It's just that I really, really try to keep these kinds of pieces at arms' length right now, for various reasons, and put my energy into thinking what we can do about this situation instead. We know (god, do we ever) the basic fact that Shit Real Bad. But we can't stop there. Etc etc., Gandalf, What We Choose To Do With The Time That's Given To Us, so that is what I try to do.

#meret118 #ask #the national nightmare

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dreamdolldiary · 1 year ago

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a simple, no BS rundown on how to ACTUALLY reach your goals

Because grass is greener where you water it. Not the other side.

1. Stop the overconsumption

This is #1 for a reason because just like the majority of individuals who set goals and research how, we often find ourselves stuck in a

"get inspired > overconsume self care content > we get that quick dopamine > never actually pursue our goals or cannot go 1-3 months without being consistent." cycle.

That all ends with this post. Let me keep it simple and straight to the point. Your brain is not designed to hold an overload of information at once for something so straightforward as the pursuit of goals - there is never a need to go down a YouTube or Tumblr self care post rabbit hole when they all essentially regurgitate the same, core information.

Besides, no amount of information will prove beneficial if you aren't willing to commit to goal execution.

2. Identify your ULTIMATE goal

Look back on all the years that have gone by. What aspect of your life makes you feel like you need to improve? What do you truly want to achieve right NOW?

Was it the lack of exercise you got? Your low grades? Your poor relationships with others and yourself? Mental health issues? Unhappy with your job? Financial stress? Pinpoint the areas of your life that carry the most weight at this time.

Depending on what you feel, you may feel unhappy with the way you handle your responsibilities or the way you can't seem to navigate through your hardships.

An example goal to combat these problems would be: to be more self reliant.

Now, narrow down your focus to three pivotal habits that will guide you toward this ultimate goal.

3. Focus on 3 KEY HABITS that help you achieve that ULTIMATE goal

I think being self reliant should be or is a subliminal goal everyone has. I mean, this is your life, only you can make things happen and that all depends on your self reliance.

Narrow down your focus to three pivotal habits that will guide you toward this ultimate goal.

The 3 Key Habit Areas:

Productivity

Skills

Exercise

Pick 1 for each.

Why only 3 habits? What person doesn't want to be good at a million things? While wanting to constantly reinvent ourselves and have a reset or implement the 12 week year into our lives, it’s very easy to get carried away.

Yes, not even the sky's the limit! You can be and do whatever your heart yearns if you know it's your calling or if you truly know it'll make you happy but when it comes to goal setting, we will pile so much more than we can handle at once and you know what that does?

Creates excitement

As we try to tackle all these goals/habits, it gets overwhelming- unsustainable.

And because it got overwhelming, you'll start to "fall behind" on being consistent in every one.

If you "fail" to be consistent or expect yourself to be a master at it within the first 2 weeks, you'll throw in the towel and say "Well. Since I can't do this, I might as well give up altogether."

And you go on living the same life you wanted to improve from.

So AS MUCH as you want to do it all right now, take it slow and easy. This isn't to say you can't be all the things you aspire to be. I am saying to take it one step at a time. You have to walk before you can run.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Ideas for those 3 key habits

Habit: a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

Productivity:

Practice the 2 minute rule

Create a time block schedule that is flexible

Plan the next day and set priorities on your to-do list

Practice digital minimalism

Wake up at 5-6am and allocate “me time” before you jump into work/studying.

Skills:

Learn a tech skill (coding, editing/design, typing)

Learn a high value language (immerse, learn the alphabet)

Have better handwriting

Learn calligraphy

Dedicate AT LEAST an hour to this habit everyday. Choose something you enjoy. Don't make this feel like a chore.

Exercise:

10k steps a day

Practice dance (choreography online, ballet, jazz, contemp.)

Martial arts inspired exercises

100 crunches a day

Add stretching to these habits

3. Create a SIMPLE, fail proof plan that works for YOU.

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

3 habits. 2 of which should take at least 2 hours of your whole day. If you can't do that then you need some self-assessing to do.

Assess whether you work better in the morning or at night

Plan what hours you're going to do them.

Print out a paper with a time block schedule, set it infront of your desk, make it a widget on your phone, tape it on your room wall- anywhere where you can easily keep track of the time and what you should be doing now and in the next hour.

Example schedule that most people can relate to:

Productivity | Skill | Exercise

Wake up at 6am - me time (skincare, calm music, stretch)

7am - Full body exercise.

8-9am - Get ready for the day and head to work

13:00 - Break time (read a book, walk around for some peace of mind, or immerse yourself in the language you chose)

17:00 - Come back home and rewind. (eat, settle down, walk the dog)

18:00 - Learn how to code

19:00 - Get ready for the next day by planning

20:00 - Shower & get ready for bed

4. Reflect, always!

Keep a track of your consistency.

This doesn't have to be an inconvenience or all set to be pretty and aesthetic.

Print out a habit tracker and tape it, along with a pen on a wall, next to your vanity, wherever is convenient and hard to miss so you can easily mark it off.

If it's close to bedtime, make it a routine to check what you have yet to accomplish.

You knocked off learning how to code, your phone says you walked 10k steps, but you see that you forgot to drink water? Then drink a sufficient glass of water, and place a check in the box.

Quick. Simple. Easy. No excuses.

There. 1 week goes by, soon 3 weeks, then a month, that month turns into 2, then 3, and those "goals" are now habits. A part of your daily routine. They become non-negotiables.

Just like how it's routine for you to go to wake up, brush your teeth, and get dressed everyday.

Now that you created a set of habits, you can build upon them. In a few months time when you feel that it is right, create another action plan and introduce 3 new habits.

For example, you can try another dance style, wake up at an even earlier time, and you can learn how to speak another language or to put it simply, make it goal to reach an advanced level of your new skills

Another example could be towards a more specific ultimate goal. Like taking care of your outward appearance.

Habits for that ultimate goal can look like:

Putting on skincare oils to reduce scars

Growing your glutes + massaging your muscles

showering + brushing your teeth everyday

Rinse and repeat.

Remember that only you can save you. Only you are there for you. Your future is built now.

You don't need luck. You need self love.

— dreamdolldiary ₊˚🕯️♱‧₊˚.

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cynthiav06 · 2 months ago

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Ok, sorry if this is personal.

But how many people sent you hate for criticising and disliking Percabeth?

Also, how many of them sent you terrible reasons to defend Percabeth.

It's happened to me too. I'm so concerned for people like that.

Okay, bear with me on this. I might go on a tangent, and this might get long. ( Spoilers: It did get long.)

This fandom was one of the most close-minded fandoms ever and still is to some extent where liking anything outside of popular opinions or canon ships was, is taboo and shunned upon.

But things have gotten better in recent years or so, I think. Because I have been on tumblr officially for just 2 years, and I started posting like a year and a half ago. And you would be surprised to hear me say this, but I think Percy Jackson fandom is still somehow on the low end of the toxicity spectrum compared to the other fandoms I was and am in.

I got a tumblr account first through The Orignals and TVD fandom cause a YouTuber friend urged me to post about my takes on the Klayley ship over here. I mean, I was on here before that cause I was and am in many other book fandoms along with Spn fandom, but the point is I interacted more with tvdu and spn cause usually most other book fandoms at least for the ones I prefer are pretty chill.

Also, if you know anything about the TVDU universe, you would know that people are freaks for Klaroline, a ship I dislike with intensity, and it has a large backing and oh the sheer murderous intensity of those shippers.

Do I even need to say anything about Spn? I mean, tumblr runs on Supernatural fandom, so yeah, the toxicity can go to a whole new level, especially considering the actors are also dragged in it. But I digress, so yeah, Percy Jackson fandom isn't even close.

And since I was used to that and a more intense atmosphere, I found toxic Percabeth shippers extremely mild in comparison. So I might have less of an extreme attitude on their takes. Personally, I have never received a death threat ever in the pjo fandom, but I have been told that it used to be excessively common a good 2-3 years back by fellow mutuals.

So if you have had experiences with any of that, I am very sorry, and hopefully, you realize that some people and certain opinions are so repulsive and brainless that they do not deserve to be considered.

Another thing that's happened that's good is anti tags have become very handy for you know people who want to avoid seeing hate content on things they like. So most Percabeth shippers, the somewhat sensible ones, steer away from anti percabeth tags and given the butchering that Rick is doing to the already butchered ship in his new abomination of a trilogy, Percabeth shippers have learned to pick their battles. But yes, there are still the occasional hate comments, which some you delete, some you ignore because it's always something bullshit.

When I first began posting I was more on the extremely controversial side of the fandom but you know in the recent year the anti percabeth tag has grown, the fandom has finally started letting ships become more diverse and the arguments against the Canon ships have become more and more grounded.

-------------------------------------------------------

Now, to the important part, what is their usual defense?

Well, firstly, no anti Percabeth shipper is really authentic unless they have had to fight the misogynistic allegations. "You hate the ship because you hate Annabeth. You are jealous of her and are a misogynistic person."

Yes, I do hate Annabeth. It's an opinion reached out of personal maturity. Yes I am a woman, and women can definitely be misogynistic, but do I hate Annabeth because of that? God no, I have much better reasons for hating Annabeth. Literally half my blog is highlighting how toxic and controlling she becomes.

I also hate her because she could have obviously been so much more. She has such good backstory, realistic motivations, and a very prevalent flaw to overcome, and the fact that her character just devolved with each book is such a painful thing to read. How no one on their side even addresses that the flaws exist is literally beyond me.

The second most common reason I get is that Rick based Percabeth on his own marriage.

Listen, people, when someone says that they based something off of something, doesn't mean it's the same thing. Parodies are based off of the orignal but are nothing like the orignal.

Plus, the fact that Rick has terrible consistency throughout the books and forgets many plot points would tell you that he has no idea how to develop some of these things.

The idea isn't the one being criticized here. The evolution of that idea is. None of Annabeth's flaws were tackled for more than a single instance of the plot and forgotten immediately after.

Her controlling nature towards Percy, her blaming Percy for getting kidnapped and being brainwashed, her making him apologize for it; her trying to limit his powers, having a great misunderstanding regarding the Akhyls situation and just straight up ordering Percy not to use one of his key abilities even if to defend himself and we getting a follow up on that disastrous situation when Percy no longer defends himself and almost dies against Kympoleia and Polybotes.

I recently got these ones a lot. Either they blame me for not tagging anti when I already have tagged anti and always tag anti first. I think two of these comments are still visible on my "How impressive you have to be to pull Percy post?"

The next one is me being biased, and all my reasons are not valid cause I am biased and hate Annabeth, so neither of my actual canon based evidence is true.

Pick a lane people. Either let us have our opinion or have the guts to argue rationally on this.

Another thing I do is that while I always tag anti, just in case, some Percabeth fan ends up on my post, there's always a section for Percabeth stans which contains my usual queries or concerns regarding whatever recent take I am elaborating and it always starts with my mild suggestion of being calm and rational and then thinking my points over. Usually, it acts as a buffer between hateful or frustration induced rants.

Either way, it's just the integral part of being in a fandom. Stuff like this happens, it's not good, but it happens.

The trick is to have a respectful conversation with those willing to listen and ignore the rest. It will lessen with time, and if you stick to the anti tag, it will help in reducing most of the unnecessary arguments.

I don't know if there's much I can do to help you, but I hope the post is at least somewhat helpful. I always appreciate feedbacks.

#pjo asks #annabeth chase #percy jackson #pjo fandom #percabeth crit #anti percabeth #annabeth chase critical #anti stans #percy jackson and the heroes of olympus

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chrysanthemumgames · 2 months ago

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I have a perhaps personal ask, and at the same time struggling with how to phrase it. I've been looking into making an interactive story myself, however, I... cannot code. For the life of me. I can tell one hell of a story, but coding it beyond my grasp, and the system I currently use, while it ought to be simple enough even someone like me could do so, isn't exactly working for how I want it to. Do you perhaps know anything anywhere that I might start looking for someone who would be willing to work with me? I am so sorry if this is a bothersome ask.

Hi anon!

I'm probably not the best person for advice on this, because I've never been in that situation before. I've put some thoughts under the cut, with the caveat that only a small portion of them actually address the question you've asked, with the majority being related but perhaps not helpful for you, depending.

So, I think where you'd go to find a coding person depends on what language you're using. If it's ChoiceScript, probably the forums. If it's Twine... I honestly don't know. Maybe the subreddit, though you'll want to double-check that such requests are not against the rules there.

I sincerely doubt you'll have an easy time finding someone, though. Most folks who code in the systems used for IF are IF authors who taught themselves the coding techniques in order to tell their own stories, not someone else's.

That said, and this is the part you can ignore, because you know yourself better than I do, but... I'm pretty sure you can learn to code. It's not easy, necessarily, and it doesn't come intuitively to everyone, but there are resources out there to help you. Again, this will depend on what system you're using, but the CS forums are very useful for figuring out CS (as is the wiki, once you know enough to parse it). For Twine, there are loads of archived posts on their forums and on the subreddit for specific questions, but for general ones, the documentation for your preferred program (e.g. SugarCube), the Twine Cookbook, and similar resources will break things down into smaller, more digestible chunks. I personally recommend the Twine Grimoire (volumes 1 and 2), for basic interface aesthetics, once you get to that point.

Here on tumblr, @/nyhelism, @/cerberus-writes, @/manonamora-if, @/idrellegames, and others have all answered questions about Twine coding or even in some cases made templates that take a lot of the work out of it. Most have a masterpost regarding things they've answered about Twine or made for others' use, but be sure to check that they're currently accepting coding questions before sending them any, of course.

Learning to code may be slow and incremental, and lots of people manage better if they start with a small project just to learn how to do the basic things in their language of choice. I'd really recommend figuring out what you need your game to be able to do, and learning those functions one by one—it's less overwhelming than trying to tackle everything at once while also writing a huge project.

If all else fails, my most esoteric suggestion is to familiarize yourself with the basic principles of symbolic logic. I took a class in it as part of my degree, and have since also taught that class, and I think understanding things like the logic of conditionals (if statements) as they're used in coding (rather than natural language) really gave me a leg up in learning to code. Not that I'm an expert, but I know enough to make a basic game, at least.

Most (all?) of these things should be findable with a google search; I know there are at least some Twine tutorials on youtube as well, though I'm unsure of CS or any of the languages I'm less familiar with, like Ink, etc.

I do apologize that the section where I encourage you to do the thing you don't think you can do is longer than the one where I answered your actual question, but that's the part I might actually have something useful to say about. If you're absolutely certain you can't do it, I'm sorry for banging on about it, but if you're not sure or on the fence, maybe give it another go before trying to find another person. I've seen a lot of writers looking for coders in the past, but maybe only once was a coder offering their services to writers (and that was a long time ago).

#ask #jess gives dubious advice

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galedekarios · 1 year ago

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Hi!! Hope I am not bothering you (if so please feel free to ignore!) with a Gale lore question, but I figured you're the person on tumblr who would most likely know given all the cool shit you've been posting, but do we have any idea *where* gale was when he got snatched by the mindflayers? I can't seem to find a straight answer about most of the companions, but there seems to be a fairly straight forward answer for most of them except Gale (and Astarion to some extent) I know he had his year of solitude that he seemed to have left willingly and from what Tara says about Waterdeep it doesnt seem like they had a massive nautiloid attack the city a la the opening. I figured he either left Waterdeep in search of more items to sate the orb/protect the city in case of rupturing and was taken there or he was just maybe beaten over the head and abducted in the city by one of the few Absolutists that are in Waterdeep.

thank you for your message! i really appreciate your words.

sadly, there is no indication at all where precisely gale was before the events of the game take place.

i've collected some pieces of the puzzle, however, that i thought are relevant to at least paint a broad picture of what likely happened:

gale is well aware of how unstable the orb is. when he escapes the nautiloid, his first thought is that the illithid tadpole is very likely to have adverse effects on it:

he has lived with the orb for about a year or longer, knowing well what its effect might be. i have wondered often just why gale would know so much about ceremorphosis before the game starts. perhaps the devs just needed another exposition machine, which is likely, too, of course.

but considering the very real and very present danger of the orb, i think it's also likely that in his desperation to find a way to heal himself, reading up as much as he could on everything that even resembled some sort of solution, gale perhaps even read up on ceremorphosis, before deciding that it's just not viable, that it would do more harm to than good.

i think it might be in line with the same reasoning as to why the player can bring up the nightsong to gale as a possible solution to the orb.

2. gale is aware just catastrophic the consequences of the orb being unleashed are. when gale goes to rest in his origin playthrough, sleep will not find him and once more, his thoughts turn towards the orb first:

it's likely that this is why we find him staring into the flames playing a custom protag. these two scenes seem to mirror each other.

3. we also learn from the same dialogue two important things: that gale made tara promise to stay in waterdeep, concerned for her safety. we also learn from his conversation with tara that he is not only concerned about her safety, but his mother's as well and that he left her behind in waterdeep as well:

morena isn't aware of what her son tried to do. he kept it from her. not only had he disappointed her faith in him and his talents, now, with the orb, he was actively putting her in mortal peril. along with everyone else in the city.

from a later dialogue we also learn that gale is afraid of bringing shame to his family name:

player: So, your last name is Dekarios? gale: It is. Courtesy of my mother, the inimitable, dare I say it sometimes unavoidable, Morena Dekarios. It's been so long since I've used it. 'Gale Dekarios' cuts a poor figure next to the wizarding prowess of 'Gale of Waterdeep.' player: You're right. Just 'Gale' is better. gale: I agree. And on the plus side, if I get myself into any truly cataclysmic straits during the remainder of our journey, my family name will go untarnished.

we also learn that while news of the absolute seems to have reached waterdeep, tara doesn't seem to think that they have infiltrated waterdeep yet. which in turn means that waterdeep wasn't affected in the same way baldur's gate and other cities and regions were.

4. the next morning, gale can have the following conversation with tara:

"you left the tower in such a hurry you didn't leave an address." is what stands out to me here.

what exactly did make gale leave so suddenly?

was it a particularly bad flare-up of the orb? i think it might be likely because i also found this line in the files:

player: i fail to see why you need me to help you this. you've done fine without me so far. gale: A fair point - however, until recently I was able to rely on a supply of artefacts stored in my tower in Waterdeep. A supply that has now run dry. The reality of the matter is that a lone wizard with a chronic impairment such as my own is not in the most ideal of situations with regards to self-defence. The manner of artefacts I need are not often found waiting patiently on a shop-keep's shelf. One usually has to lift them delicately from trap-filled tombs or prise them from the hands of violent ne'erdowells.

so not only does this validate the fact that gale indeed suffers from chronic pain due to his condition even more, it also clearly states that he had nothing left in his possession to treat his condition anymore.

(as an aside, larian really did the seriousness of his condition a grave disservice here on a multitude at levels and this is another point where the narrative is at odds with the game mechanics of the full release. in ea, it truly required great artefacts (the sword of justice blessed by tyr or even the idol of silvanus) to soothe the orb.)

so to bring all of these points together, this is what i believe:

i think gale left waterdeep in a hurry after he felt the orb destabilising.

having no artefacts great power left, staying was no longer an option, lest he puts his mother (and waterdeep itself even) at great risk. he hurriedly packed what he could.

i assume tara was there and that it was then that he made her promise to stay because he didn't want to put his longest (and now only) friend at risk, too. perhaps he also felt better knowing that tara would be there for morena.

i think he was abducted while on the road, trying to find information about artefacts of great power and perhaps even setting out himself to acquire them.

#gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 meta #ch: gale dekarios #vg: baldur's gate 3 #series: baldur's gate #meta: mybg3

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r4izx · 8 months ago

Text

Blooming flowers, Wilting love

lyney x g/n reader!

6,212 words and 33,475 characters

summary: lyney feels love when he sees you. but he feels itchy in his throat when he also sees you. he sometimes cough up petals as well... is this love?

warnings: mentions of blood, slight cursing (one curse word lol)

a/n: as i was writing this, i saw a tumblr post all about their love-hate relationship with hanahaki disease fanfics. it made me pause and go like, ʘ‿ʘ oh.

this is my longest fic so far but also...!!! one of my least favorites as i wrote this during a writer's block. •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀ nevertheless, hope you still enjoy!

"do you think we'd stay together, forever, yn?"

you and lyney were gazing at the sea that time. staring at the constellations, counting the stars, you think you won't ever forget that moment. the sound of the waves, the wind's breeze, it was so... peaceful for the lives of two fatui members. but his question was a bit abrupt, you think. especially for someone like you who thinks it's pointless to believe in such thoughts.

"there's no such thing as forever, lyney." it's the truth you think. nothing in this world lasts forever. that's why it's better to cherish the things you have now while you still can. this was your point of view of the world. for you the world had limits. you always thought that in the end, everyone will die anyway. so you didn't meddle yourself with beliefs about 'forever'. although... "-but i don't think i can live without you, all, beside me, lyney." you, of course, was referring to him and his siblings. you know how much lyney loves his family. after all, they're the only ones he has left to take care of in his life. compared to you who has no one, he had a responsibility.

lyney loves his family more than himself. from when you were kids staying at house of the hearth, you watched how much he cares for them. to the point where he'd sacrifice himself if he needed to. just for the sake of his family. and just like lyney, you cherish your family a lot. although not connected by blood, you view lyney, lynette, and freminet as your family. you've been together since childhood, you all grew up together, what else could they be but family?

what else?, you say?

contrary to your view of the three as family, lyney views you more than that. at first, he didn't know what he was feeling. he didn't know when it all began either. he just remembers when he started to think about you everytime you weren't there, everytime you weren't by his side. everytime you were with someone else. all of a sudden he started to feel jealous when he sees you with someone else. but it quickly goes away when you go to him at the end of the day. you were always there for him. lyney often bottled up his feelings. he had no one to vent to. it would be awkward to talk to father about it and he doesn't want to burden his siblings with his worries. but he has you. you were there to comfort him. at moments where he was at his lowest, you were just... there. he was sure you didn't learn any magic tricks, how come you always surprise him by being there when he needed someone? as if you knew what he was feeling. but still, he isn't complaining. at this point, he couldn't go by a day without you and he felt reassured, ..you cherish him more than anyone else, you feel that you have a duty to protect him, ..just like family! you are his family. that's all it is, ..-right?

but if that was the case, then... lyney thinks why doesn't he feel the same way towards his siblings, his family. he never got jealous when lynette and freminet was with someone else, no. he never relied on somone this much and felt comforted just by their presence. and sure enough, lyney was sure about his feelings for you. his love for you. and no, not love for family way but more like... a romantic way. he was sure of it when he noticed the fact that his temperature rises slightly when you both make contact. when you make cheesy remarks not knowing what it does to him cause you just view him as family. he felt butterflies in his stomach. and lyney thinks that this is what romantic love felt. it felt warm. it felt like he found a bonfire in a cold, snowy mountain. that fire was the only thing keeping him alive. it made him feel safe, warm and...

itchy?

is love supposed to irritate you like this? it started with an itch. lyney has been feeling itchy in his throat ever since he figured out his feelings for you. it was so irritating and annoying he wanted to take his throat out but he couldn't. he doesn't know what it is, he doesn't know anything at all. it's his first time loving someone in a way that's more than love for family, after all. so he goes to a doctor since he couldn't tell anyone about this. not father, not his siblings, and not even you. he doesn't have the courage yet. the doctor began examining him. asking him all kinds of questions. when did you start feeling the itch? are you able to eat properly? and... did you do anything that triggered it? well, that question definitely triggered something in his memories. and all of a sudden, he started coughing. his throat stated to ache unbearably. he couldn't breathe, he felt his airway being blocked no matter how hard he tried. it was a good choice to go to the doctor earlier, the doctor quickly moved to help lyney breathe. slowly, the coughing was going down but lyney's throat was getting itchier and itchier. he couldn't take it anymore. he coughed up whatever was making him feel that way despite the immense pain. to say that he was shocked was an understatement.

blood.

and...

..petals..

lyney wasn't stupid. he's heard of this before. he heard it a long time ago. when someone's love doesn't get reciprocated, they start to grow flowers in their lungs and cough up petals. he heard it when he was younger and thought it was stupid. that whoever was in love was stupid. clearly they were gonna die because of love, so why do they still continue? it wasn't even love for family. but now that he's older, lyney thinks he understands now. it doesn't make him any smarter for understanding though, rather he thinks that maybe he is stupid. he became the person who he thought was dumb for continuing to love someone despite that being the reason for why they're hurting so much. but how could he ever stop? he thinks that if he stops loving you his heart would as well. you made him feel safe, warm, comforted and... loved. he trusted you so much that it scared him how easily you could hurt him. but still, he won't stop. how could he when he can't even imagine a life without you?

the doctor explained to him in detail. how people only get this disease when they're love is unrequited and the fact that it was so rare to get it but he still did. he didn't know if he was lucky or not. although the doctor did tell him there was a way to remove the flowers though, it was basically a cure. he could get surgery in exchange for his memories. he would have to forget all about you. and so... "What! NO!" lyney couldn't help but shout out of surprise and annoyance. was this doctor crazy? do they think a person would want to forget someone they love? the thought of not remembering you sends lyney shivers down his spine. he can't even imagine forgetting all those memories. when you both went sparring together, got lost during a mission, when you wiped his tears when he couldn't keep his emotions to himself anymore, and even when you both first got taken in at the orphanage. it scares him. he doesn't want to forget you. so he never will.

the doctor just chuckled, fortunately they understood and gave some 'advice'.

"then, you better tell 'em what you feel soon. take the chance while you still can. you don't possibly think that you would live forever, right? ahaha..-"

forever.

"...there's no such thing as forever, lyney."

that memory suddenly popped into his mind. is this what you meant? that death will await for us in the end anyway? it's not like you were wrong though.. you were right. there's no forever in this world. but the doctor was also right. he should go ahead and tell you how he feels soon. he just needs to muster up the courage and confess!.. but how could he? how could he have the courage when he sees the way you look at him?

lyney always felt something odd about you everytime that tangerine head harbinger passed by. he sees the way your breath slightly hitches. the way you'd steal secret glances at him, the way your eyes glimmer for a bit when you see him, the way you turn your head to hide your reddening face.

he hated it.

he hated the fact that you liked someone else when he's right beside you and has always been right there since childhood. but what he hated even more is the fact that he pays so much attention to you. he'd notice things about you that he was sure you probably didn't know about yourself. you never acted this way around him... does he even have a chance? how can he possibly confess to you at this state? he feels his throat ache even more now. breathing felt more of a curse than a cause to live at this point. everytime he inhaled, he could feel petals going up his throat. truly, his time is limited now and he has to do something before it's too late.

by now, you've probably noticed that something was wrong with lyney. when he sees you, instead of usually greeting you with a bright smile and a hug, he just smiles, sends a wave, or even worse- he just nods at you! he barely talked you don't get what you did wrong so it was getting slightly annoying.

scratch that-- it was REALLY annoying.

you both finally met again after a busy week cause of father's orders at fontaine. it was a fatui meeting. everyone had to attend. you were glad cause that meant you would be able to see your family-- lyney, lynette, and freminet of course, --and also see lord childe. the harbringer who you oh so look up to. well, okay, maybe it's more than just admiration.

you like him.

you like that ginger head.

maybe it was because of the stupid smile on his face whenever he made you laugh, maybe it was because of the fact that you felt safe around him, or maybe it was simply because he was outgoing that he ended up stealing your attention. you didn't expect yourself to be the type to fall for someone really quickly, but you got to know him for a few months in a mission together and you... really liked him. he didn't just steal your attention, he stole your heart as well. although, you had no one to talk to about this and you don't think you would actually tell it to someone.

so here you are, at the fatui meeting, waiting for the harbringers to finish their speeches when it finally ended. originally, you took this meeting as an opportunity for you to catch up with your family. but it seems that lyney

had the same intentions when you feel a tap on your shoulder. you turn around and face him. you almost couldn't control the smile on your face when you remember that he's been acting differently towards you the past few weeks. you quickly compose yourself and speak to him with a stern look.

"don't you think you have something to say to me?" you cross your arms and stare at him, waiting for him to speak up. lyney suddenly mutters something incoherent, he sounded as if he couldn't form words probably in his mouth. the only thing you understood was his almost incomprehensible "wa--t--r. wah-... ter!!". for a moment, you were really worried. you've never seen lyney in such state before. you grabbed the nearest bottle you could and gave it to him as he takes a deep breathe and clears his throat. "well,... where, do i, begin?"

"oh ho, from the very beginning. lyney. we haven't seen eachother for so long, i can spare some time for you." despite your sharp tone, the sweet smile on your face was quite unsettling. oh boy, he's doomed. you were gonna scold him. you always did this. from when you both were a child, you always scolded lyney when he did some outrageous things like hurting himself just to rescue a cat stuck on a tree. you scolded him for a while that time. you were quite protective. after all, it's your duty as his family.

lyney tells you that he was feeling unwell and couldn't speak properly these past few weeks which explains the situation earlier with the water. "--but why didn't you tell me anything!?" that's right. why didn't he tell you anything? the lyney who always relied on you, who felt safe and comforted when he vented his feelings to you was now the same lyney who started acting a bit distant and different. when did he change so much? you just don't get it. did you really do something that he didn't like for him to be like this with you? he seemed fine with others which made you even more concerned. but before you could finish worrying, --lyney interrupts.

"..y/n.. i have something to tell you, okay?"

what's this? all of a sudden the atmosphere changed. it was gloomy yet felt somewhat reassuring. you didn't know what was gonna happen next. what is he gonna say? why is he being so serious? is he gonna drop some big news? why can't you understand him at all right now? and why is the 11th fatui harbringer approaching you? wait-- what?

"y/n!! so you were here!~" the ginger head was approaching you with that same stupid smile on his face again. you couldn't control yourself from slightly blushing. you could feel your ears reddening a bit as you try and look away from him. you cover your mouth to hide the fact that your mouth is slightly raised upward as you turn away from childe's direction as an attempt to hide from his gaze only for you to catch a short glimpse of lyney's expression.

you don't get it. you don't understand at all what that look on his face was. you, who's one of lyney's closest companions, someone who he could consider as family, for the first time was unable to know what lyney felt. he's been hiding too much stuff from you these days. he hasn't been opening up to you. you can't help but worry that he might be bottling up his feelings again and doesn't have anyone to vent to. but the thing is... lyney always went to you. he would go to you and you would comfort him. so why isn't he?... 'don't tell me.. that, he lost his trust in me?' the thought sent a shiver down your spine. you quickly looked at lyney's face again, only to see him gently smiling. was that just a trick of your eye? you were sure it wasn't. you look at his odd smile. unlike what a smile should do, it didn't reassure you at all. it made you worry even more. you really can't read him. he looks sad yet happy. he has a solemn face yet it felt as if it was filled with so much guilt. unfortunately, your thoughts was cut off when the man whom you liked stands before you.

"i've been looking for you everywhere! i'm hosting an after party with some of my companions, wanna join us?" childe asks you when he finally noticed lyney and continued, "--oh, and, you could invite your friend over there too." you glance at lyney who heard the offer. he understands that you're trying to ask him if he wants to attend. so, he looks at you with that unsettling smile again. "y-ou- ...you should go.. y/n, i'm.. fine.." he clears his throat mid sentence. he wasn't fine at all. his throat is so itchy, he feels that his lungs is about to burst, his chest feels heavy, his airway feels blocked and he feels that something is going up his throat and he's trying so desperately to hold it in. but there's only so much a person could handle. but... in the first place, lyney was a person who had no one he could rely on, who he could vent to except for you. but he can't bear it. he can't bear the sight of you with that tangerine. he thinks he really won't be able to handle this hanahaki disease thing. and for some reason, seeing you so in love with someone else hurt him more than the flowers threatening to spill from his body.

so he gathers some remaining strength to tug at your sleeve when you were about to leave with childe. he grabs your hand, flipping it to the side of your palm and does a little magic trick. he takes his hat, rummages through a bunch of items in it until he finally stops and grabs something. he grabs it and closes his hand and places it on top of your open palm. when he finally opens his fist, he then revealed a flower. a rainbow rose, to be exact. before you could even say something, lyney just nudges your hand a bit as a sign for you to just go already. you hadn't even left when he himself took the initiative and faced the opposite direction and left in a hurry. you didn't know why he was rushing you and himself so much. and at this point, you don't what your efforts to talk to him was all about when in the end, he just leaves. without leaving a word behind.

childe takes your hand in his and that was all it took for you to snap out of your daze. your heart instantly started beating faster. you think he might even be able to hear your heart pounding so loudly right now. was it because of the fact that he's holding you? the fact the he came all this way just to invite you? and that he was looking for you, and only you? or maybe it was because of a certain flower you were holding in your other hand. on one side, you were holding childe, and on the other, was a rainbow rose.

'a rainbow rose, huh.'

lyney couldn't sleep that day. nor could he breathe. nor could he eat, speak, and think properly. his heart felt like bursting. maybe it really was. when he saw the way you light up when childe came, he was hit with an arrow of reality through his lungs. suddenly the air around him felt warm. but not the type of warmth your presence gives him, rather... it felt suffocating. he felt like throwing up. he was doing all he could to keeo himself from vomiting. he really was. it was the hardest battle he has ever done. a battle between him and his own feelings. there is a saying that one's greatest enemy is theirselves and in this battle, lyney thinks he's at the losing end. when he left you there after giving the rainbow rose, he felt his heart throb in pain. he saw the look on your face. a face full of confusion, worry, and a small hint of happiness. at that moment, he just wanted to chase after you, hug you and never let you go. yet..., all he could do was send a small smile. a smile filled with mixed feelings, a smile you wouldn't be able to understand, even if you tried. lyney himself doesn't understand what he feels too. jealousy? anger? happiness? relief? sad? he didn't know! but one thing for sure was that he felt like he was...

about to die.

he immediately went to the nearest secluded place he could go to. making sure nobody, was around. and after all his efforts to not throw up, he started vomiting. blood. it was so bloody. not even enemies has hurt him to this point, yet... his own feelings did this. and lyney thinks again, 'is love supposed to feel like this?' he wanted to blame you, blame you for not returning his feelings and put him to such a miserable state like this, but he couldn't. cause he knew it was his fault. it was his fault for falling for someone who only views him as family. and if he wanted to he could just take surgery and forget about you! --but he won't. he's sure that forgetting you will hurt even more than this disease.

the downpour of blood and petals wasn't stopping. he was starting to choke on the petals. his throat was hurting, so, so badly. it was aching, it was itching. he wanted to scratch it out of him and just end his suffering. especially when something really rough went up his throat. it even got stuck there. he was coughing and coughing, trying to vomit it out. he was having such a difficult type to breathe and aside from petals and blood, even tears was spilling out from him. he was dying yet living. and so, he spitted it out. a flower. no, flowers. such beautiful flowers came out tainted with blood. at first, he didn't recognize what flowers it was because it was painted red from the blood, but he looked really closely and...

rainbow roses.

he scoffed, really? these, again? was teyvat making fun of him right now? cause it sure feels like it. the rainbow roses that was supposed to be filled with a bunch of colors was now just red. for some reason, that color reminded him of his fate. and so, he kept that rose.

lynette and freminet has caught on to lyney at this point. they started wondering what was wrong with him when they saw that he's been having too much so-called bathroom breaks, --especially, when you're around. they noticed how lyney's breath slightly hitched when he sees you, they noticed the fact that he now tends to avoid your gaze rather than look up to you and stare at your eyes as if he saw something beyond it like before. at first, they just watched. they waited, and they observed. just like in their missions. they knew for a fact that lyney won't open up his problems to his own siblings. which is why he always relied on you, opening up to you. you were his source of fresh air. in a place where he felt suffocated and had nowhere to go to, you were there. so surely, if lyney didn't want to tell them, they just have to wait, ...but if it takes too long and progressively gets worse, they have no choice but to interrogate him.

it's been a few weeks since lyney has been acting strange and there was no sign of him telling the truth to lynette and freminet. they were growing impatient to their brother's antics. they aren't usually this bothered but when it comes to health, they have to step in no matter what. family comes first and their brother showed them that. which is why, it's totally valid to do this right now because it's out of love and concern, ...right? lynette and freminet decided to follow lyney when he needed a bathroom break. they followed as lyney goes to a secluded area instead where no could see or hear him, which was perfect for them. --and almost immediately when lyney got there, he started throwing up.

how can they explain what they're feeling right now? watching their own brother suffer, vomiting blood and petals. their heart dropped. it felt like it. the world froze around them, only lyney was moving as if the time stopped. all this time... lyney was suffering this much and didn't tell anyone...? they couldn't help but think he was greedy, for not wanting to burden others but himself. they couldn't make a sound. they needed to be... patient. --like how they were trained and taught to be by their very own brother. tears were starting to blur their vision when the sound of raspy coughs kept on going as it becomes even more rougher than the last one. patience.., they both think to themselves. --but only when they heard their brother utter a name did they lose it.

"...y-/n--..."

blood, petals, and the way he acted around you. everything seemed connected somehow. it all cleared up. and it was so obvious that lyney was suffering an unrequited love. but they had to confirm it. their patience? gone. lynette and freminet look at eachother and nods, a signal saying 'go' as they rush towards lyney's side. just as they went beside him, lyney collapses to the ground, although still conscious. the other two immediately went to support him and lyney finally looks at them. he looks them in the eye and send a sheepish smile as if saying, 'don't get mad'. but how? how could they not? they wanted to scold lyney, scold him for keeping all his problems to himself, scold him for doing nothing and bearing the pain all this time, scold him for liking someone who only sees him as family and of course, ...scold him for continuing to love you despite everything.

lynette says it first, despite the cracks and sniffles between her words she still says, "brother--!!.. wh-..why don't you just.. get surgery and forget them?..". and lyney is shooked. how did they know who he really liked? was he.. "..so obvious.." freminet continues his thoughts. now, lyney couldn't hold back his tears anymore. he started crying. it wasn't about you, -no. he cried because after a long time again, he could open up. he could breathe again, although he knows not for long. literally. so he thinks he has to say everything now before he loses the chance. he has to explain everything to lynette, to freminet, and of course, to you..

"..--c--can't.." he can't. he can't forget you. why did everyone think this way? the doctor and even lynette. he wanted to tell lyney that he would rather lose his vision than forget you. he would rather duel with father than forget you, he would rather bear this pain than forget you. he would rather lose his life.. than forget you. he wanted to say all this to his siblings but he can't. he couldn't even imagine a life where he doesn't know how to utter your name. the thought scared him. to him, a life without you was a life without a home. no safe place. he wouldn't be able to breathe. most importantly he couldn't stop thinking about what you would feel if he forgets you. how ironic though, he doesn't even think about what you would feel if you found out that he's suffering all because of his feelings for you.

once, twice, thrice, it kept going on. petals enough to make flower crowns surged from lyney's throat. and now freminet speaks up, "--p-please, ..just, tell y/n what you feel..". ah, that's right. another cure for this disease aside from the surgery was to be loved right back. but he knows it's impossible so he just shakes his head in response. "h-he's telling you to confess..!, --n-not to get your feelings returned.." "stop being so stubborn!" freminet adds. for once, lyney let his siblings scold him, after all it's a first, and perhaps even the last time this would occur. the thought made lyney cry. salty tears came flowing down his eyes along with blood and flowers from his mouth. it was mostly because he thinks that sooner or later he'll end up leaving his loved ones behind, both his family, and you.

a week had passed and his disease showed no signs of getting better, only getting worse as time passed. it was the same thing over and over again except for the fact that he has his siblings to help and rely on now. but then again, nothing would change if he doesn't tell you what he feels, that's why he's been preparing himself. for the entire week ever since lynette and freminet found out about his condition, he's been taking a break from missions with the excuse that he got a severe injury from a recent battle. which lead to him to being stuck in his room for the whole week, unable to see anyone aside from his siblings and father. nobody raised suspicions about him faking his condition, after all, he did look like he was suffering. but during that period of time, he didn't need to control his vomiting which helped him, ... sorta..? anyway, it simply meant that he's ready.

ready to tell you what he truly feels before it's too late,

...or not..

"i'm confessing to childe soon.."

hah...

...-ahahaHah"--ahaHahaha..--"

lyney couldn't help but laugh. should he have just stayed in his room for a couple more weeks? he laughed. watching your amused yet confused expression, you're probably thinking 'what's wrong with him?' and he laughs even more! he was laughing so hard tears started forming in his eyes, atleast, he thinks it's because of that. it was a bittersweet laugh. he starts to ponder, 'maybe i should've just gotten surgery..' but he smacks his head with his palm. that's right. his hat nearly tumbles off his head.

"lyney-?! what's wrong? -you.. okay..?"

you probably questioned if he was okay because he was still smiling and chuckling. "-pfft. i was just so enamoured by your eagerness to confess! ahaha-!!" contrary to him, that is. it took him so long, to build up the courage to tell you his feelings, and now he just feels like running away. he starts to feel that sooner or later tears won't be the only thing pouring out of him again. he may be chuckling right now but his mind is

it took a while for lyney to calm down again, while you were stressing over what's going on. why was he being like this? he's acting weird, again. the lyney who opened up his heart to you before is long gone now. replaced with unreadable expressions and held back words. you knew, something was off. enamoured? really? something was off about lyney in a way he was only like this towards you. but no matter what you do, you can't seem to remember anything you might have done to put him in such state. you might be a bit oblivious but you aren't stupid. yet, you still can't pin point why he's like this.

lyney interrupts your thoughts. he clears his throat and with a shaky voice, he asks,

"y-you... you're confessing, today?"

hm?

why would lyney be so curious about your confession? maybe he's curious as a friend just like others would be, but, something smells fishy. lyney isn't the type of person to be so caught up on topics like these, as far as you know. so, what's up with him now?

"..yeah, later. ..he invited me to go to on a mission with me. it's these little acts of him that make me so heads over heels for him." and that was all it took for lyney's courage to vanish. all bark yet no bite. you who was once his home, a person he could confide in, where he could breathe and feel safe, is now the reason why he is unable to breathe. he's inhaling, yes, --yet he feels that he can't exhale anymore. just endlessly gasping for air.

-fuck. he has to do this. he knows it himself, --that it isn't long before he has to go. he has to. -no, he needs to. he needs to confess. lyney takes a long, deep breath and finally let out some air. he looks at you, --you who's blushing so meekly, fiddling with your fingers like a teenager texting their crush, only for him to remember that it's all because you're thinking about him. someone else.

"y/n... y-you know, you're really special to me right, i just wanna know if you feel the same.. do you love me too?" maybe lyney should've made it clear, --or maybe he shouldn't have asked because- "--of course i do, lyney.. were family okay? always remember that." oh he is for sure gonna remember that. until his last breath most likely.

at this point he just had to go. "i-i see, well- y/n, I'll get going, goodluck!" lyney is rushing to get out of here, his heart his thumping so fast but the butterflies he feels is in his throat, he needs to go, -as soon as possible. just as he turns around to leave you immediately say something, "-lyney! wait-". and he gulps, but doesn't turn around to look at you. there was a short pause until you continued, "i want you to know that you're special to me, okay? you're one of my closest friends.., family-, even, ...just wanted to say this so you know.. goodluck! stay safe! let's watch the waves again next time, when we have time. see you!"

that time never comes.

he can sense that you're waving but he doesn't wave back. you hear his footsteps and watch as he leaves. something was wrong with lyney today so you wanted to reassure him. albeit it was just an inkling.

liquid trails on the ground as lyney walk-runs. he doesn't know whether it's from the tears running down his face or the blood pouring out of his mouth. maybe a mix of both. the trail leads to an room that served as a dormitory for the fatuis, but fortunately for him, it was empty. unlike his mind that was full of thoughts and his heart full of emotions. he couldn't stop thinking about what you said. sure, you may have said that he's special and all but what he heard was the word friend. a reminder that he'll never be more to you than that.

maybe it was just him.

maybe he was the only one who felt like his day is complete when he sees you. maybe he was the only one who thought that you were eachother's back. but now he feels as if he's the only one watching your back as you take a step forward while he's just there, watching you. maybe he was the only one who thought he had a chance. considering you were childhood friends and all. fuck- friends. it was right there all along. you both were childhood friends, nothing more, nothing less. this was his destiny. but for once he wants to stray from the path towards this so called destiny and it leads him to this current situation.

flowers.

there's no point in holding back now. he really feels like he's reaching the end of the path he's walking. he lets it all out, coughing up different kinds of flowers. heliotropes, chrysanthemums, rainbow roses... this time it's not just petals anymore, it's full on blooming flowers coated in red.

everything hurts.

his throat, his lungs, his heart... even his mind! he can't take it anymore yet for some reason his mind starts drifting back to the memories he and you had together. these memories felt like home. the sound of waves crashing onto the land, the sound of his heart beating along, and the sound of your comforting voice. for a split second he felt like the pain he was feeling eased for a bit, but he was brought back to reality when he realizes that these moments are really just memories, ...and will forever stay like that. he will no longer be able to be with you again, no longer have the ability to make more moments like these. and it dawns on him,

his friends, his family, the fatui, childe, father, and... you. his life flashes before his eyes. and he didn't even realize it but he was shedding no tears. weird but, maybe this was just too much pain for him to even process. he feels his body weakening, his legs barely able to stand makes him fall onto his knees. the way he starts to feel dizzy and his vision is blurred-- even without tears in his eyes. the way he feels like something pierced through his stomach, his heart-, even. he knows, his time is up.

lyney wishes he could say his last words, but he isn't able to. so he just says it in his mind,

...thank you,

and that was his final words. to you, to his siblings, to everyone.

he falls down the ground, and with all the strength he could muster, he tries to open his eyes, ...only to see a rainbow rose. the rose he kept. though, it wasn't covered in red anymore, and it was fresh. it was blooming.

then lyney smiles,

maybe there was forever in this world, but it was just... not meant for lyney.

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