#we were never close and we still fucking arent!! and its not because people are using other pronouns that arent she/her and he/him genius!!

[esoteric-terror]

god i hate transmeds so much

[methed-up-marxist]

Im really scared there are people who dont know that youre dead. I dont know why i let myself get between me and you. You were a lot of things to so many people but you were clearly forward bubbly loving and caring to everyone i dont think you knew how not to be. I’ve committed to be nicer and kinder to everyone in the past few days after i blew up at that “cute transmasc with droogs whose lovely”. I never blew up at you, I only blow up at people after i let them get really really close. I thought I was protecting you, that cant be right youre fucking dead. I thought I was protecting myself and I feel very safe I just dont want to be. You blew up at me a few times, not many. I thought it was none but i found one trawling through messages. And then there was this last time. And were still in that argument. We’re going to be in that argument forever. I’m glad you dont have to deal with it. I was doing pretty well at developing themes when i wrote about you and me up until now. I just feel trapped now. You loved chemistry and you loved linguistics. Specifically you loved biochemistry. I guess linguistics is always already biolinguistics. I cant believe i let myself write that. “Yes i agree. Psycho tranny bitches hold the record for most crazy things said in a single hour” A voice message I have from you. Not one of many. Its pulling a lot of weight right now. I loved picking you up ilyana I fucking loved picking you up I’m so thankful that you loved it. I’m so thankful that you so clearly loved it too. I’m so thankful that no one present could deny you were loving it. You always had my back against that shit, you always stuck up for me to anyone who suggested I was being too much, too forward with you. You wanted me to love you and you defend me against anyone who started acting like i was like one of the shitty guys who loved you just because we had similar bodies. I’m going to get stronger. Girls like you arent going to be scared because girls like me are too dysphoric to be strong anymore. Or atleast a handful of them arent. You had so many positive impacts on so many people and you were just coming out of your shell. I’m going to drag all the little bits of you lodged in me out of their shell and I’m going to be just a little bit more like you. A little bit. You've made me love myself so much I think thats all I can manage.

[milgram-tournament]

MILGRAM Best Song Tournament, Round 1, Match 2 BRING IT ON vs. AFTER PAIN

Propaganda for both options under the cut!

Propaganda for BRING IT ON:

"Reasons why Bring it On should win:

- Just by starting the song, the instrumentals are BANGER. Like his more rock style is very cool, even better than After Pain’s more mellow style - Arthur’s voice (Futa’s va) had bills due because have you HEARD his singing?? His raspier voice fits Futa so well - It feels so explosive and like a call to action in a sense, which very much matches Futa’s mentality during trial 1. He also wasn’t playing victim like a CERTAIN girl… (jk, love you mu!) - SAA HAJIMEYOU USOTSUKI KARIDA - UNDEAD HEROOOI YES SLAY KING HIS HIGH NOTE HERE IS HEAVENLY - His scream at the end. Oh my god. HE LITERALLY ATE THIS NOTE. AFTER PAIN COULD NEVER. BRING IT ON FTW 🔥🔥🔥" - His range goes WAAAAAY higher than Mu. She would end up like PHG if she even tried hitting any of his high notes in the last chorus /j

---

- The vocals are amazing, those growls are so well done - You’re able to get Fuuta’s crime and motive pretty succinctly, only based on the visuals - But it still leaves a lot up to interpretation, like how he only attacked once in the final fight scene. It lead to some cool theories. - On that note, the game aspects are so cool!! Especially when paired with him going after people online, just good synergy with awesome style! - Fuuta’s scared face after he realizes what he did. The great contrast of other foes simply being knocked out then being met with blood splatter. - The tempo of the song changing with his mood is a really good touch as well. Make the song more chaotic which highlights his character traits well

---

"propaganda for bring it on: the music FUCKS it genuinely slaps so hard listening to it. song style is incredible its perfect for fuutas personality and gamer vibes. also the way the mv frames everything as a game? the only time real blood and real gore happens being when killcheroy dies? the little details of all the usernames, the different monster designs, the generally distorted feel of everything being too lighthearted?

okay i could go on about the mv for hours but lets not. aside from that: the FEEL of the song!!! the vocals!!!! it really feels like fuuta putting his whole heart into it, into this point of view that both blows problems out of proportion and minimises them, and DEEPLY fucking up. my darling little hypocrite gamer boy twitter user. he makes his witch hunt genuinely sound like something that could sweep people up into it. also the instruments goddddd. the guitar and synth the bass and the drums the DRUMS. im relistening to it to write this propaganda and it keeps making me headbang when i should be writing. if you arent headbanging to bring it on you are LYING.

the way the lyrics are written is wonderful too!!!! they feel so brash and brave and powerful and like. cocky about it. and it fits PERFECTLY. its gets someone swept up into it and it FUCKS. vote bring it on im serious. lets go!! a victory march!! dan da dan!!"

Propaganda for AFTER PAIN:

"so here is why people should vote for AFTER PAIN !!"

Muu's vocals. Need I say more?

The bridge to it is absolutely wonderfully done, the way she softens her vocals to an almost creepy point is incredible

during the final chorus you can hear the desperation in her voice and it’s very well portrayed

The coloring in this music video were phenomenal

The overlapping vocals at the end of the song just have a really really nice effect

Its just a pure banger

In some parts of the song there’s the sound of a clock ticking in the background used as a sort of beatline… GENIUS??

Its just a banger

even with what we found out about Muu in her second trial, After Pain on its own portrayed bullying in a very realisitc and artistic way (from someone who deals with it regularly)

---

"After pain propoganda: She just girlbossed too close to the sun and happened to be holding a knife at the time"

---

"Gosh everything about After Pain... How can you NOT like it? It's literally such a good song and is very singable. The instrumentation is absolutely amazing and I've listened to it on loop so much."

[homarcide-aest]

I'm SO here for your Balkan Dick Grayson takes! I was wondering how you feel about how DC writes or fleshes out Dick's Roma heritage. Are there particularly great moments of representation or particularly flop ones?

*starts shaking*

i honestly hate most of the writing. not only because they arent romani, i mean you can get some basic info about rom culture if you talk to romano people and i understand its a pretty closed culture (like fuck even though im part romani i still dont know most shit, although tbf rom people in turkey is p assimilated) so getting info might be hard, but FUCK dude they look at rom culture in an american pov and its like?????? why.

most rom people resides in balkans, and like bro even if you took some balkani culture to dickies writing or even in is living space itd make sense, since again, rom culture is p assimilated w the country they resides in. like even small things would be enough. a heavy velvety blanket w a tiger or a rose?? him sniffing bottles before drinking??? thats like the universel balkanian experience.

and weirdly enough i prefer the old stuff. like yes they were racist dont get me wrong but at least i was likr "aaah they are talking about it and dick is getting angry about the assumptions" aka that one god awful panel where bruce is like "ye ur kind is hot headed lmao" and dick is like "wtf" (i explain things great i know)

but now??? its used in an awful one-liner. and never referenced again. like what the actual fuck does "beautiful romani smile" means. thats. thats worse???????? thats so much worse than hotheaded cuz its used like "haha guys look i remembered dick is romani haha i know romani culture" and im like no????? shut the fuck up????

at least when people say rom people are hot headed i can be like "ye lmao we do start fights out of nowhere" and again ITS UNIVERSEL BALKAN EXPERIENCE. all balkanians have anger issues. we love chaos. but when its like "haha dick has a beautiful romani smile" im like "oh fuck off" cuz again, its such a narrow minded look at romani people.

i was gonna end it there but fuck it im not done.

rom people are stereotyped as "happy go lucky, have no worries even though the world burning, cant do shit unless a white person is guiding them, hot headed and potty mouthed". besides the last point this is the exact character assasination dickie got. they turned him into a romani stereotype because haha one trick pony robin. he used to be so much more but noo the writers cant actually handle a complex character so lets turn him into this rom stereotype, and say hes romani with a fetishizing ass line!!! i hate dc so much

sorry for long rant lmao im just. genuinely angry at this lmao

anw dick is balkanian now. i can handle mischaracterization of dickie but i will not handle americanization and frenchification of dickie

[fuck-customers]

🎂(8/21/23) This will be a bit long but now that I don't work at the bakery anymore I felt like sharing the list of things that customer's did that genuinely irked me amongst other feelings:

Things customers do or say at work that make me want to commit a war crime (+ my thoughts I can't say outloud):

"I want to get one of everything. 🤪" (Fun fact, 1 of everything is about $100)

"I'm shouldn't even be in here right now." (Then why are you???)

"I'm breaking my diet for this." (I don't care.)

I shouldn't be eating this I'm diabetic." (I have family that's diabetic. Please actually take care of yourself. 😐)

Does __ count for the B5G1F?" (No, it's actually only the vanilla cake squares. /s)

"Can I have one of that and one of that?" (The name. Is on the display case. SAY THE GOD DAMN NAME.)

"Are yall still open?" (You were able to open the door weren't you? You were able to step inside…weren't you??)

"Wow I got here just in time huh?"

(Yeah. You did. Now hurry the fuck up.)

after paying for the things they've already wanted "Can I actually get _ too?" (I can't really tell you no but holy shit why did you just now think of this?)

after paying for their things they proceed to look at all the merchandise and find something else "I'm gonna get this too." (Of course you are. 😐)

points at the devil's food cake, which is clearly labeled "Is this a brownie?" (Does it look??? Like a brownie??? If you move to your left about 4 feet you'll see actual brownies.)

"Can I get a devils food cake square?" "With which icing?" "…what do you mean?" "We have 3 different icing flavors for the devils food cake. Which icing?" "Oh. Chocolate. :)" (Fuckin- you can clearly see that we have 3 different icing flavors on display why is this so hard.)

"I don't get how you can work in here." (I need a paycheck and I get a good discount.

Also after a while you get bored of all the sugar.)

"I wouldn't be able to work in here. I'd eat everything. Haha" (Haha, yeah, I bet you would. 🙄)

literally anyone who comes in reeking of weed (…can you don't though? Idec that you smoke but why are you coming in when it's so strong???)

"Can I get a pint/quart of this flavor of ice cream?" (…why. I hate making pints and quarts its stupid and if the ice-cream is super frozen it's an actual pain in the ass.)

any family of 5+ that comes in all wanting ice cream (Please go away.)

"Can I get the pieces that have a lot of icing?" (Not really, cause the baker spread it pretty thin.)

*grown adult gets pouty when they realize that the cake squares I gave them had a

thinner layer of icing than the display* (Much like when you were a kid, pouting doesn't help. Do you want the cake or not?)

someone asks how good a certain item is I generally say it's pretty/really good. "Oh, its just pretty good?" (Yeah, cause I'm not a huge fan of that item. But you might like it cause, you know, different taste.)

Literally anyone who doesn't know the pick up name for a cake, or any details about the cake.

Wanting a fondant cake with a 24 hour notice and getting upset when we can't do it (fondant takes a least 2 days to dry)

People who forget which store they placed their order at. (We only have 2 locations????)

People who don't understand that we close early on Sundays.

People who leave the store reeking of weed. Like, the smell stays for like 5 minutes.

People who come in for a specific flavor that

we've never made. And get upset that we dont/wont/can't make it.

Everyone who doesn't understand that pumpkin spice and carrot cake are seasonal flavors that replace each other during the year. (And no. We can't just make you a carrot cake cake during pumpkin spice season because we physically don't have the ingredients.)

Everyone who doesn't understand the big 5 get 1 free deal.

People who try to open the door an hour before we open or an hour before we close and look visibly upset when they see me not move to let them in like we arent???? Open???

People who don't even try to open the door at our smaller store and think we're closed when we are open. (And people are often inside.)

People who try to hold a conversation for way too long

People who don't take an extra 2 minutes to look for what they want before asking me

where it is only for it to be a foot to their left.

People who dawdle at closing time.

People who leave their phone/cask/card in their car and have to run out to get it. They normally don't notice until their rung up.

People who try to break a $100 bill within the first hour of being open then get surprised when we don't have enough change to do that.

One of the worst interactions I had was in the bakery. This lady asked me if the strawberry cheesecake was good. I said "if you like strawberry it is." I guess that offended her somehow and she made it her mission to see my try a piece so I can tell her if it's good.

The problem with her plan is I'm allergic to strawberries. She was not having any of my "lies" and found anyone and everyone one and told them I am a horrible worker because I refused to "accommodate her request." She eventually ran into the only douche canoe manager we had at the time and got him to start insisting I try a bite to make her happy. I ended up just walking out on the rest of the shift and he tried to write me up. HR forced him to drop it when I threatened to sue.

-Rodney

[hostilemuppet]

Brozone & Acquaintances: Fame and Blunders (The Rise And Fall, The Epic Highs And Lows Of Trolltwt) Part Six

split into a new post bc the last one (parts 1-5, crossposted on ao3 (including intermission)) got too long. as always, cowritten by the evil genius @squirrelpatties

cloud guy: infamous leaktwt contributor, with a specific fixation on branch (and to a lesser extent anyone close to branch, but branch is his #1). he got his hands on several embarrassing baby photos of branch, which even jd was concerned about, because "we never published those ones, they were just for grandmas wallet". some of his most well known leaks were "barb was admitted to rehab" "creek got a BBL" and "smidge had a miscarriage" (the latter overshadowing the other two by a significant margin)

sky toronto: egotistical millionaire who bought twitter and changed the logo into a tie. whenever creek posts a new off-the-wall conspiracy theory to his impressionable audience, sky replies that hes "Looking into this..." (theyre oomfs). many of his experimental party supplies have killed a disgusting amount of animal test subjects but that doesnt mean hes not willing to test on trolls. branch almost dies when hes hit by someones neuro-mind-link party popper.

smidge vs barbtwt: several influential barbtwt members with a tie to a certain infamous leaker who shall not be named (they paid him. he didnt need the money he just likes messing with people) get their hands on smidges medical records, initially to prove shes trans (shes not) but they instead learn about her miscarriage. instead of backing off, showing her sympathy and feeling guilty about this disgusting breach of privacy, they coordinate to make this public knowledge the next time smidges name trends. twitter is divided into "smidgetwt supporting her wholeheartedly through this horrible situation" "smidge antis who think 'she had it coming'" and "barbtwt happy that smidge is suffering". this sparks a debate on the ethics of trolls smoking while with eggs, with pro-egg-smokers saying its their body their choice and anti-egg-smokers saying "are you out of your damn mind". this is how smidge reveals she is simultaneously pro-egg-smoking and pro-life. its a bloodbath. she drops off the face of the internet never to be seen again........ unless 🤔

cloud guy (part 2): after years of providing the public service of "making branchs life miserable", cloud guys twitter account (and IP) is sadly permabanned when poppy demands sky toronto take action the third time branch is doxxed. sky toronto originally didnt care but after a solid week of her pestering him, he gave up, but only because he forgot to take "no doxxing" out of troll twitters TOS, and the backlash would be worse than hes willing to deal with right now. sleep well, soldier 🫡.

dante vs poppy: dante is branchs stalker. routinely stakes out by branchs pod to take photos of him for his shrine. its not a sex thing but whatever it is is way weirder than a sex thing. branch has moved pods 3 times but dante always manages to find him. perhaps he has friends in high places? regardless of the "how", the "what" is poppy wants him fucking Gonezo. unfortunately dante, as an ambassador for classical trolls, is not under poppys jurisdiction of pop trolls. she decides the only way to deal with the "rando stalking my partner" situation is to catch him with one of branchs traps. except, dante can fly, so rope traps arent effective and poppy needs to get creative and potentially very violent. she asks branch if he still has those spikes she begged him to take down. he does but he repurposed them as hat racks. now he needs to find somewhere else to put his hats!

gus tumbleweed: lowtiergod-esque fighting game streamer whos known for yelling and screaming at his opponents when he loses. he goes into long, drawn out, nonsensical similes and metaphors to describe how much he wants the player who beat him to kill themself or otherwise die painfully

tiny (in game chat): git rekt f4gg0t gus (on mic): someone outta hog tie ya and hang ya up in the middle o town like a pinata caught sleezin with the mayors daughter tiny (in game chat): bro

is invited to take part in a tournament for charity during pride month. when beaten by a gay guy he regresses to violently homophobic hatespeach. youd think thisd be a career ender but its amazing what "pretending to be attracted to your fellow straight male friends" can fix! he makes a halfhearted comment about thinking one of his streamer friends is handsome and/or has a nice ass and everything is back to normal, and he faces zero consequences for his actions.

holly darlin: fellow twitch streamer, although in different circles to gus tumbleweed. she is undefeated at chess but otherwise unremarkable, yet because shes a woman everyone hates her. after a year or two or constant hate she decides "fuck it" and commits to selling snake oil. the hell are they gonna do? call her a whore? shes already got every variation and misspelling caught in autofilter, buddy. she peddles for the same company that supplies the diet pills satin and chenille hype up on their podcast. its how she and satin meet. theyre lesbians now. it makes the hate holly gets SOOOOOO much worse but satins used to it so shes unaffected. chenille gets no say in the matter

synth: third and final twitch streamer (...so far). the gay guy who beat gus in a tournament for charity and was met with violent hatespeach. beforehand was one of the smaller creators in the tournament but afterward he blew up a lot more. he does a lot of charity streams, mostly for the benefit of disabled children, out of the goodness of his heart and NOT the glory like some OTHER trolls mentioned two paragraphs previous. hes just a good guy! also almost had a thing with branch when they were both confused about each others identities.

synth: today marks a year since i almost kissed a very attractive twunk in pop village and then found out he was a lesbian who thought i was a lesbian minuet: gay culture

broppy: theyre doing great! absolutely NO problems whatsoever! im sure it will last forever!

[sneezemonster15]

I find it so funny when people try to dissuade people from shipping same sex pairing by using the "We need more representation of close and intimate male friendship. People need to stop making everything gay" excuse. But the reality is that the friendship who is truly under representated is male/female friendship. Ask anybody if 2 guys can be friend? Of course! Ask if 2 girls can be friend? Obviously! Now ask if a a guy and a girl can be friend? "Well, hum ... not really ... the guy probably want to fuck the girl if she is pretty ... the friendship isnt real." Clearly society lacks representation of healthy male/female friendship. Tv shows, anime etc ... give the MC a whole harem of girls (girls who are supposed to be just friends and he thinks of as only friends at the beginning) pining for him or love the trope of the good guy friend who is waiting for the girl to stop dating assholes and finally notice him. Which also lead to the gay best friend trope bc its the only guy who can be the girl's friend.

Representing male/female friendship not only help against heteronormativity but also misoginy. The idea that women arent fun to be around and are boring perpetuate the thought that women are just good at being fucked, at being wifed etc, and not fun enough to just have a good time doing friends stuff ... So men end up thinking they can only return romantic or lustful feelings toward women.

All that to say that those people clearly do not care about friendships representation. They are just annoyed that people prefer same sex pairings to the holy straight pairings. And "feminist" women who cheer because their queens finally got to get the dicks they wanted are advocating for the wrong thing. Celebrating their faves girls being used as sequel factories or for disney happy ever after the heteronormative and misogynist society craves so much, isnt the big flex they think it is.

Well said anon.

Yes, I agree there is a dearth of healthy and realistic m/f friendships in media and they are surely underrepresented. Lately, more creators are portraying m/f friendships in their films/series etc. But yeah, it's such a stereotypical thing to reduce m/f relationships to romantic or lewd isn't it?

I liked how the character of Amy in Gone Girl talked about the Cool Girl trope. How men wanna see women they wanna hang out with in a certain way and outwardly, it seems this is a fun girl, with a free, liberal and casual devil may care attitude yet still have their personalities revolving around the desires and fetishes of men. I also liked how again, the character of Amy in a film called Chasing Amy portrayed a similar issue, even though the film has its own problems. How men see lesbian women and even though their sexual interests don't intersect, men nevertheless feel righteous about constructing sexual fetishes around it, objectifying lesbians because women, by the simple grace of being women, simply cannot do without men, that their whole existence is nullified if men aren't in it.

A male/female relationship which is platonic and based on equal terms can do so much to give some resolution to this issue.

As for the 'feminist' fans in this fandom, it is interesting to see how Sakura or Hinata stans think cheering their faves is a holy act of feminism while understanding nothing about feminism and female representation in media. It has created such a toxic environment in this fandom, and I am sure others. To a huge extent, I blame the industry because the target group of this genre is so impressionable, it's so easy to misinterpret things, especially with how these women are written. While I get why Kishi did it with these two female characters, given they would be paired up with his two main (and clearly gay, living in a homophobic world) characters for the sake of the sequel and that he writes other female characters much better than theirs, it still is very problematic. Because they were never condemned in the actual story. They were never called out. Never made to face consequences for their actions. And this, THIS, makes their fans so insistent about the apparent goodness of them, while sweeping the rest under the carpet. While it doesn't take a genius to spot their faults, it certainly takes a certain level of understanding of narrative, visual language, themes and understanding of the world.

I can talk about narrative subversion till my lungs give out but unless one shows an inclination to learn how narratives are built, they would keep sticking to their token understanding of concepts such as representation and feminism. Which is such a sad phenomenon. It is almost hurtful how so many fans are so willingly tone deaf and blind, all because of some shallow relationship they wish they had. It's amazing to me how well fortified their delusions are. How strong their willingness to be courted by a hot popular boy. How fine they are with having their fave character revolve around some guy for the most superficial of reasons. This is what their understanding of feminism amounts to. All this nonsense for some cheap self insert.

Even Sasuke stans who are anti SNS. They prefer thinking of Sasuke as some cool, badass, revolutionary man archetype who sleeps around and struts with his massive dick out. And this is how they facilitate their Sasuke*fem reader smut. These Guevara extremists who think homosexuality only exists in western societies, who also consider themselves uber feminists, who think Sasuke casually slept with Karin (because why wouldn't he? He is a man and he has a dick and a willing girl is around, it all makes sense lol), are fine with self inserting into a female character, as long as the badass revolutionary would casually fuck her and then throw her away or let her die without a second thought after his demands have been met. Because yay, feminism. Like irony goes to anti SNS and SS/NH to die a horrible death.

Hinata stans would get triggered at SNS posts or anti NH posts and share the same four Spanish panels of photographs of Naruto with his family because that's their understanding of a happy family. Orchestrated studio pictures. Because gay men living in a het marriage have never been clicked. Because gay men in het marriages don't exist. That's their extent of understanding a relationship. A family picture. It is certainly not a flex.

Just look at how SS apply all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify Sasuke staying away from his family for 12 freaking years. Like you can certainly feel bad for SS stans who even after Gaiden, had the courage to ship this ship. The levels of desperation. And to what ends? What is even their payback? Where is their reward? Kishi certainly isn't giving them any.

You know sometimes I feel shipping is a strong word for what I feel for the story. Because Naruto is just a love story about two boys. If I want them to be together, is it shipping? Shipping is such a fandom term. If that's what the story has led me to, to hope for the two main characters to have a resolution that the entire narrative has painstakingly led me to, is it really shipping? I am just an ordinary reader/audience who wants a good ending to this story. The way the creator wrote it. All I did was to follow what he wanted me to see. Is it then shipping or just a natural conclusion to the story? To want them to be with each other?

As for those fans who say 'we need more representation of men being friends, stop making everything gay' are so fucking silly. Like damn, don't we have enough representation of platonic male bonding? There are entire tropes based on that dynamic. Cop buddies, bro code, band of brothers, big brother mentor, bromantic foil, bros before hoes, brother from another mother and this goes on and on and on. I can count like forty films and twenty books off the top of my head that use these male bonding tropes. Just say you are a homophobic piece of shit. Why circumvent facts? Like we live in a patriarchal, heteronormative world and suddenly stories about men being friends are in jeopardy. Like c'mon, cut the utter bullshit. Lol.

There are only a handful of sane voices in fandoms. Because the rest of them leave and I totally understand why. Hehe. But while you are here, do what you can and then get out. This shit is not good for anyone long term.

[pesterloglog]

Sollux Captor, John Egbert

Page 447-454

SOLLUX: eating a sandwich.

JOHN: what? no, i mean, what are you doing HERE in the meteor?

SOLLUX: i live here.

SOLLUX: its like im fated t0 wind up back at this idi0tic r0ck every c0uple 0f sweeps.

JOHN: i’m... sorry?

JOHN: ...

SOLLUX: real mess y0uve made 0f things 0ut there.

JOHN: yeah, well... we’re trying to fix that now! which is why I need to find my friends!

SOLLUX: kind 0f fucked up y0u guys let this happen t0 begin with.

JOHN: soooo anyway, on the topic of you living here...

JOHN: does roxy know about this???

SOLLUX: why w0uldnt she?

JOHN: huh.

JOHN: umm... how do you know her?

SOLLUX: wh0 d0 y0u think h00ked me up with these sick ass shades and gave me all these ape games.

JOHN: okay, that kind of makes sense, i guess.

JOHN: ...

JOHN: are you guys... close?

SOLLUX: wh0. me and r0xy? i guess. we squad up a c0uple times a week.

SOLLUX: why d0 y0u care?

SOLLUX: y0u w0rried im m0ving in 0n y0ur ex?

JOHN: ...hmm.

SOLLUX: ...

JOHN: hm. hmm. hm.

JOHN: hm? HMMMM.

SOLLUX: what is g0ing 0n here.

JOHN: sorry, i had an answer but then i started actually considering it.

JOHN: am i jealous?

JOHN: hmmm...

SOLLUX: if i tell y0u straight up n0 we arent h00king up will y0u st0p?

JOHN: ...maybe?

SOLLUX: g0ddammit.

SOLLUX: listen.

SOLLUX: c0ming fr0m s0me0ne wh0 has shared breathing space with y0u 0nly 0n 0ccasi0n.

SOLLUX: its 0bvi0us t0 me y0u're n0t supp0sed t0 be the thinking guy.

JOHN: we’ve met before?

SOLLUX: ...

JOHN: ??????

SOLLUX: sigh.

SOLLUX: pirate ship. d0uble eye-patches. girlfriend ascensi0n.

JOHN: :0!

JOHN: double eye patches!

JOHN: i remember you now, you were at mystery jade’s funeral too!

SOLLUX: sure.

JOHN: sorry for not recognizing you.

JOHN: the eye patches are pretty distracting!

JOHN: like every time i see them i have to stop and think...

JOHN: wow... that looks really really stupid!

SOLLUX: yeah.

JOHN: are you still hanging out with that creepy alive girl?

SOLLUX:

SOLLUX: 0n a spiritual level.

JOHN: cool!

JOHN: is ... she also dating roxy?

SOLLUX: what?

SOLLUX: idk.

SOLLUX: i d0nt make it my business t0 keep tabs 0n that.

SOLLUX: im busy.

JOHN: you’re gaming!

SOLLUX: im fucking gaming.

SOLLUX: speaking 0f which...

JOHN: so what were you guys up to before this?

SOLLUX: (what the fuck)

SOLLUX: is there a prer0gative here.

SOLLUX: are y0u spades baiting me right n0w?

JOHN: honestly i don’t know what that means.

JOHN: i suppose...

JOHN: how do i say this...

JOHN: contextually!

JOHN: i always find myself going to a lot of places and meeting all these people but.

JOHN: most of it never matters to me until i’m not doing anything at all.

JOHN: last time that happened it was for ten years!

JOHN: and it only changed because i started talking to people again.

SOLLUX: (i did this t0 myself why did i ask)

JOHN: i guess in gamer terms it's the same as screwing yourself over by not checking every non playable character dialogue box.

JOHN: any one of them could have the clues you need.

SOLLUX:

JOHN: sooooo...

SOLLUX:

JOHN: come on!

SOLLUX: c0me 0n! :B

SOLLUX: die.

JOHN: aw, don’t be like that dude.

JOHN: i promise no more questions after this.

JOHN: do you not want to because it just ...isn't important?

SOLLUX: excuse me.

SOLLUX: my vestigial digits get m0re imp0rtant shit d0ne 0n wednesday nights than y0ur ill dressed b0dy has d0ne y0ur entire life cycle.

SOLLUX: but im n0t g0ing t0 g0 int0 all that because 1. i d0nt kn0w y0u and 2. i d0 n0t respect y0u.

SOLLUX: itll 0nly make y0u feel bad anyways.

JOHN: why would it make me feel bad?

SOLLUX: i can smell it 0n y0u man.

SOLLUX: y0u stink.

JOHN: i stink?

SOLLUX: yeah.

SOLLUX: y0u smell like a guy.

SOLLUX: wh0se never had any bitches.

JOHN: what!

JOHN: i have a son! i have a house full of pictures with him!

JOHN: that is physical proof i have had “bitches” thank you!

SOLLUX: as s0me0ne wh0 has been friends with every w0man y0u are attempting t0 categ0rize int0 this

SOLLUX: i can assure y0u, they were n0t y0ur bitches.

SOLLUX: y0u were theirs.

JOHN: i

JOHN: i was the bitches?

SOLLUX: this was the missing puzzle piece r0xys ex.

SOLLUX: y0ur arc is 0ver.

SOLLUX: y0u can g0 h0me n0w.

JOHN: my home burned down.

SOLLUX: sad.

SOLLUX: y0u kn0w what is tragic th0ugh?

SOLLUX: i have n0t been able t0 play this game the wh0le time because s0me0ne was talking 0ver the s0und.

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: sorry : (

SOLLUX: w0rds d0nt mean much.

SOLLUX: 0nly acti0ns.

JOHN: well, i suppose i left the vriskas waiting long enough...

JOHN: see you eye patches...

SOLLUX: n0t wearing them.

JOHN: or not who knows!

SOLLUX: WAIT.

JOHN: !

SOLLUX: change my game f0r me.

[jayflrt]

okay time to do my actual job. this is from part 43. so why does hoon have plans.. no i mean what plans does he have and why is he not concerned ? as in why arent trying his 100% to at least talk to his dad ??? what happened he suddenly acting not even half of what he was before ? i never suspected hoon, i just he was a product asshole + daddy issues. no im so surprised that he didnt act like how i imagined he would, like what happened ? fight back ? you cant lose your girl and the company you have been working for your whole life at the same time !!!!!!! heeseung can shut the fuck up or idk trip and fall i hate him so much. acting all that, do not bring jay? oh you feel inferior to him? or is it actually because hoon dad opinion on ? biggest hoon and heeseung hater here ngl. it is sad to see how rest of them is not that supportive? im not sure if thats the right option but questioning why day care more?? idk if its because rich people thing but i just hoped they were a bit more accepting. i mean yes yn is supposed to inherit pharmacy but still.. the whole tossing the coin is so funny to me. lets go hot jay summer hehehe

theory anon

hoon's been veryy vocal about how he feels about sungjin inheriting park pharmaceuticals so it's definitely unusual for him to be so quiet 🤨 maybe he has something planned?? or he's just giving up entirely 🤧 i guess losing your girl and the company you've been dedicating your whole life toward does that to a mf 🚶

heeseung's an interesting case too 😩 definitely going to share more about him before we close this arc. also yeah jay seems to be the only one who wholeheartedly supports mc's dream :/ it's "underwhelming" compared to what everyone want her to choose

[itsjustfire4]

Guys i have the sirius to my remus. I spend a lot of time in my head and i feel horrible a lot of the time. I dont like when people pay a lot of attention to me because it freaks me out, like they’ll find out something i dont want them to. I worry a lot and im crazy insecure. My bsf, whom i love, is very loud about his care. Dont get me wrong, im not at all complaining, i love him sm and i love that he cares about me. Its just overwhelming sometimes bc i feel like he makes a bigger deal out of some of my issues than they actually are. Hes protective and very expressive when hes worried about someone. Hes contantly asks me if im okay, checks up and asks if ive eaten properly, etc. hes more, forcedul in his care ig is the bast way i can explain in. Kind of hurried, as if ill disapear if he doesnt do something immedeatly. And i love that about him, truely, hes amazing, but i respond better to silent care. Which is what this boy does for me. He listens, he LIKES it when i ramble, he never talks over me, and hes quiet about his care in the best ways possible. When i told him about some home issues he didnt freak out, he made light of the situation and it was exactly what i needed. Theres issues in my life that i have never even said out loud, things im utterly terrified to tell anyone ever. And its like this guy knows exactly what i need. If i were gonna tell anyone these things it would be him. He doesnt make it a big deal, he doesnt ask anything else from me, just silently listens to what i tell him. Hes so gentle and sweet and caring in so many ways. The first timw i cried in fromt of him, it was terrifying bc i hate crying in front of people. He then told me im a pretty crier, and that make me feel so good. Like that calmed my worries instantly. I know he doesnt judge me and fuck its beautiful. I love him so much, hes perfect to me. Like if there was a person who was made to fit the final peice in my puzzle, it was him. However, im not putting him on soem sort of perfect petastole. Hes not perfect, never has been, hes awkward and silly and doesnt know how to respond to a lot of things. He has issues and struggles, things hes scared of and his limits, like every other human. But none of that matters, you know? Like i know hes not perfect but that doesnt make him any less to me. Hes the same guy that makes me grin stupidly when he tells me he loves it when i tell him about the stars. Hes the same guy that didnt talk to me for three days bc he was socially exhausted. Hes the same guy that still came back and asks me to hang out when he has some silly idea. Hes the same guy that was there for me when i came out to my family and comforted me when i was overhwelmed with my emotions. Silences between us arent awkward, we can just BE with each other. Like sit in the same room for hours and not speak and it not be even slightly wierd. Ive had a crush on him since we became friends like three years ago. I dont know if he feels the same at all. But i dont need him to return those feelings. I dont need to date him, i dont need anything more from him. His friendship is all i could ever hope for and its even better because hes become such a CLOSE friend in these years. He means more to me than he will ever know and i am perfectly content with what we have right now. We plan to move in together when we’re older and adopt disabled pets bc they deserve love too. We have ideas on how our household will work and who will do what. I dont want any of that to change, i will never need more from this man. I love him, i dont know in what way but it doesnt matter. Its the samw no matter what.

[sidesteppostinghours]

4 + 5 + 8 + 40 + 34 and I) G) F) for Cyrus Becker my beloved 🧡

afternoon idle!! oh my god questions galore *cracks knuckles* cyrus get your ass over here youre up

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Very difficult, and at the same time easier than youd think. he definitely doesnt entertain everybody, but hes not unreasonable. hell hear you out if you give him enough reason to (or if he thinks its beneficial to get to know you. do you see why he gets attached to people hes supposed to be manipulating so often). ortega and mortum required him to establish a relationship, which is how they got so close to eachother so quickly. herald got by because cyrus thought hed be a useful contact in the rangers. chen couldve earned his trust a long time ago, they had to work with eachother a lot back when he still ran with the rangers, but chen squandered it on his suspicions and its been too long for cyrus to have any interest in patching up their relationship. argent has largely flown under his radar, she hasnt piqued his interest more than the passing curiosity of why she wanted the regenerator.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

the default is mistrust. sorry yall, hes not taking any more chances than necessary. hes a telepath, he knows all too well what secrets other people hide, and hes not interested in giving people a chance to prove his suspicions wrong. but after hes grown to trust somebody? its... embarrassing how difficult it is to lose it. even though his trust is much shakier nowadays, you still need to have fucked up Majorly to get him back to mistrusting you. if you somehow manage to do that,,, uhhhh. what do you want on your tombstone? (ig its technically its possible to not die and even earn that trust back??? ortega managed, but thats ortega and hes statistically more likely to kill you or ruin your life. depends on how badly you fucked up. id say theres a good 5% chance youll survive the experience without the need for intense psychotherapy)

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

listen. follow orders. be exactly who we need you to be. cyrus was a deeply rebellious regene, but he wasnt stupid about it. hed go against the mission in secret, and just enough that nobody wouldve been able to trace any problems back to him. that doesnt mean he was never caught, but he was too competent of a regene to be scrapped, which saved him multiple times before. those few times did cause handlers to keep a closer eye on him though, just in case. handlers would usually keep a harder grip on cyrus, hold him to stricter standards. it contributed a lot to his own self talk. SPEAKING OF WHICH:

40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

you must imagine me holding him and looking lovingly into his eyes while i dump a gallon of insecurity and perfectionism on him. hes a proud man, he thinks hes better than what other people are capable of, but that arguably makes things worse when he does make a mistake. he of all people shouldnt be like this. add the puppetmaster scar on him and its a hefty load of 'i need to make sure every single step of my plan goes exactly right Or Else." the worst thing about him is that a lot of the petty flaws he thinks apply to him arent correct. AND HE CANT EVEN NAME HIS ACTUAL FLAWS. cyrus you are so smart and walking around with zero self awareness, its the best. please consider stepping into acid.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? 

hohohohoho. well. the first step is to get him to feel guilty in the first place. traditionally immoral actions arent going to get to him, obviously. the thing that springs up guilt for him most often is themmys death. he has. a Lot of survivors guilt about that. especially because hes convinced himself he couldve done something and *gestures to the ask above*. guilt will haunt him for life if it doesnt get resolved in a healthy way, but hes gotten good at burying his emotions a long time ago. even when he feels like that, he reserves a specific time to think about it, otherwise itll impede on his plans in the long run. that designated time is. usually when hes supposed to be sleeping. his sleep schedule is just a little bit messed.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

oh dude i Love putting cyrus in aus. its so fun to poke him with a stick and see what happens. the first one i put him in was a band au, it helped me figure out how he would interact with herald. basically cyrus was a masked guitarist (for backstory reasons) for a band daniel happened to be a fan of, except the two of them managed to meet at just regular old work, with cyrus not realizing daniel was a fan and daniel not realizing cyrus was from one of his favourite bands. it led to fun, mlb-esque shenanigans between the two lmfao. the second one i put him in was the becker siblings au, which i still have thoughts and emotionsTM about. that au let me indulge in the 'cyrus is an older sibling' headcanon and i will forever be in debt to it for the amount of protective cyrus i got. third and current au im obsessing over is a 'cyrus survives hb' scenario, where ortega managed to stop him before he jumped out the window. i am getting! so much ortega x cyrus content out of that au! and so much survivors guilt cyrus. cyrus 'using' ortega to forget about heartbreak my beloveddddd. he also says 'i love you' to ortega in this au and canon ortega is SO jealous. also x2, hes an alcohol vice step in this au. heartbreak hit hard and the tequila hits different.

aaaand i still like his canon version better. its just so very much him. out of every step ive got, hes the one i get to stay closest to how i envision based on the choices the game offers. plus he caught me completely by surprise suckerpunching me with an obsession over him and i cant Not respect that.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

not sure whether this means on a character creation level or as a person, but ill answer for 'as a person' because im overall pretty satisfied with how he turned out! but like. god what is there to not be bothered about. my manipulative little shit of a son. ig the trait that frustrates me the most is his self destructive tendencies. like. Sir. are you at all aware of the fact that people care for you and want you safe? and that you can respond to that concern with something other than "i can use this", "sucks to be them", or, "no theyre not"? sir. sir answer the question. hes so empathetic and also literally a telepath but somehow cant compute genuine concern at him. as frustrating as it is though, i cannot deny that it is deeply funny to watch him fumble so badly.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

normal. the ones where people look at me and think "wow, that is a person who is having (a) regular thought(s) about their character! very cool!" you will never see a person who is more normal about their guy than i am (i am grabbing him by the teeth and shaking him like a dog with a very strong kill instinct).

truly though, thinking of him gets me buzzing. hes like a puzzle, i keep breaking him apart and putting him back together again to see how everything works. i have this thing where ill often think about showing character analysis to the characters themeselves, just to see how they would react, and i undeniably do this the most with cyrus. i want to explain step by step (hah) why he is the way that he is now, like the whole timeline is plotted inside my head and its so!!!!! i am!!!!! chewing on him!!!!!

questions from here!

[charmanderxerneas]

Im SO FUCKING SICK AND ANGRY AND TIRED OF SHITTY LIVE ACTION REMAKES ESPECIALLY for shit like stop motion, which is an entire beautiful painstakingly time consuming artform in of in itself. and theyre remaking it just to earn some money. Gonna make it more bland and take away the charm just because its “a popular thing we own that’ll make money because idiots will watch anything”.

Live action remakes piss me off because it feels like they never truly understand the charm of whatever they were remaking, and then they fail to create anything close to it. Theres also the point that Often times, animated films are animated for a reason. Because the story is suited for animation, animation can help every frame look artistic and beautiful and contribute to the stories and themes, ect…. live action can be good but disney doesnt put in the effort to make their live action films artistic. Plus many of the effects and cgi will look very outdated in a decade when animated works still hold up over time due to the stylization and artistic nature. The live action remakes are also very forgettable- none of them have left as great an impact as the originals and I often forget which films have had remakes already.

First of all: The nightmare before christmas has a wonderfully stylized aesthetic, all the characters are sculpted in a stylized spooky way thats full of character, and the worlds are very well crafted and theres so much visual stylistic contrast between the halloween and christmas worlds (most of my praise is for henry selick and the animators rather than tim burton btw. Since tim burton came up with the idea and then fucked off and wasnt even involved in the film at all. Tangential comment but wanted to give credit when i can since i feel like he always gets the credit for this movie) Do you really fucking think disney is going to take the effort to replicate those aesthetics well in a live action film. Do You REALLY Think It Would Have As Much As A Visual Impact As The Stop Motion Film?

Second: Nightmare before christmas literally takes place in a world full of monsters 😭 meaning animation is one of the BEST mediums that could be suited for it because monsters arent real and animation is for creating worlds that can’t exist in real life. IF YOU DO IT IN LIVE ACTION ITS NOT GOING TO WORK. Practical effect monsters can look cool but its fucking disney and god knows its just gonna be all cgi because cgi animators aren’t currently unionized to my knowledge and they can fucking take advantage of them to make themselves more money. Im also sick of them doing mostly cgi animated shit and calling it live action like they did with the insulting lion king shit. (no disrespect to cgi or cgi animators, just doing their jobs. But god knows big movie companies do not respect the medium and do it as cheaply as they can)

Fuck Disney. Fuck Live Action Remakes. Fuck Lazy Corporate Cash Grabs. Please support original works, original creators, writers, animators, unions, support the people who make great films that we love and Dont support disneys lazy cash grabs for the love of god. grahhh sorry for ranting but this shit makes me livid

[sabaramonds]

saw this post (its funny. i did laugh) but all i can think of is the fact gojo cant handle 3 at once, he cant even handle 1....gojo sex jokes always fall flat for me (personally) in this way because ik in my heart of hearts that gojo is like hes probably a virgin he didnt have sex with geto (it wasnt on their radar they werent event dating for real yet they were in the are we/arent we teen 'dating' stage and then everything happened and the kfc break up occurred and you all know the drill) and you could say he got with nanami but nanami can do better than that and they probably tried once and it was so bad they just never spoke of it again and pretend it never happened it was humiliating for them both right? and gojo doesnt really have anyone else bc he deliberately detaches himself from people and keeps a certain (emotional) distance even when he cares and wants to be close, even with shoko he does this, their friendship has a gigantic fucking chasm that never got bridged again after geto left for a variety of reasons even if they still love and care for each other, but like.... idk...gojo is like...yeah hes the strongest but if hes gonna have sex with someone thats putting himself in a position of emotional vulnerability nevermind physical with a ONE NIGHT STAND? a STRANGER? which is the worst thing ever and total nightmare fuel to do with someone he knows on a personal level let alone a rando, so he hasnt done it. so yeah no. im sorry . he cant handle 3 at once. he can say he could but hes lying. hes a liar. he talks the talk but doesnt walk the walk. also he would cry during sex

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

[herhours]

what ive learned from these last few years is that there have been a few people who have been really significant to me in ways that i honestly didnt even understand the depth of it - even if i consciously knew that they were important to me.

because i have a need for deep emotional connection (rather than shallow superficial connection - and when this is your need you know the difference) the people that i have ever been close with it was because we were really close. this makes me assume this works both ways, or more importantly, that if i feel a deep connection with someone its because they have one with me too. i dont really think it could be possible for ME to feel connected to someone unless they were connected to me. thats a strong claim to make, but i have to assume that is the case, because when i dont feel connected to someone it's literally because i don't feel it from them. and i am unwilling to doubt my ability to know whether the fuck or not i feel connected to someone. it's the same as being understood or not - i know when someone fucking understands what i'm saying and i know when they don't. it's not hard to tell when someone lacks empathy and the ability to truly connect. being able to know by feeling has nothing to do with anything else other than feeling.

so anyway i guess ive been kind of thinking about b a lot. 10 years knowing this kid, and suddenly deciding i was done with him, because it made sense of course. the connection in our relationship was no longer there, he was unwilling to continue to make the connections that kept us in each others' lives so long in the first place. and it was a waste of time for me to keep trying when the writing was on the wall. he stopped. i had to stop too. but i suppose i think of it from the other way around - i was not just in this myself all this time, over these years it was because it was something we both were doing. so i guess i question, whether me knowing this person was important to me because of the connection we had, is it possible that he didn't know it too? actually i know that it is, lol, i understand why people have that problem. but idk. i guess its just weird to think about.

im noticing when i keep thinking of people that i had a connection with and feeling unsure if they understood the extent of the connection i felt, it somehow seems to matter if they still think of me. i dont know how i feel about that, really. it just raises too many other questions - if we had a connection that was this meaningful to me why was it not that meaningful to you that im thinking of you and you arent thinking of me - but then what are the connections they have with others in their lives that they still think of and keep around, sort of thing. the answer is a lopsided connection, of course. i feel more deeply than others (especially narcissists, obviously). the entire point of dismissive attachment is to minimize feelings so obviously if your feelings are being belittled, made small, you will never truly love another person and they will never truly love you. it maybe doesn't require any further thought than that.

so probably, i guess, in wondering if people like b, and my first love, still think of me, im wondering if they are capable of being the humans that my emotions believed they could be. ugh, again, that raises a lot of annoying questions. people are capable of feeling your emotions and sparking with them but that doesn't mean they can keep it or that it matters the way it should or that they're able to hold on to the way it matters. vs people like a friend i had for a few years that i truly felt so much better about getting rid of, that i dont care what he thinks or feels at all because ultimately he doesn't fucking matter to me.

the crux is, he never did. i never felt that depth of emotion regarding this friend because he sucked so fucking much. so i circle back to the same question: is it possible to feel a depth of emotion for someone who isn't feeling it back? it is easy for me to tell when an emotional connection is lacking. and when i feel that from a person, i have the appropriate emotional distance there, because i know they are not feeling what i feel. even with fb, sometimes when we are together i can feel the emotion connection in the physical interactions we are having, but i know he does not feel that for me in a way that matters emotionally when i am not around. at the end of the day, i trust my feelings and know the truth of my feelings. i can literally TELL when i am not feeling that from another person and i dont need any logic or thought process to explain or debate about it. so i suppose the issue is that i inevitably would have to question the truth of it when i know it was there but the other person behaved in such a way as if it wasn't. and honestly i really shouldn't. i am well aware that people can and will and do deny their emotional truth, in ways that it is not evident in their actions. so honestly, it really isnt even that complicated.

so i suppose ultimately what the issue is is the disappointment and knowing you shared an emotional truth with a person, that they were unwilling to live. and in my case i know it was because they didn't value me enough, they devalued me, they valued something else despite the strength of the emotional truth. although that sucks i dont really give a fuck, because people are garbage. the larger pain is that you can have the real emotional connection with someone who doesn't actually respect you enough to value you as a person. why waste the fucking emotional connection on them?

10 years.

the way b has shown up in my mental health over these last few years was surprising - i actually really didn't know he mattered that much, even with granting acknowledgement that he mattered. so i think at this point rather than wondering if he thinks of me, i wonder if he knows how hard me cutting him off was a rejection of him. i care about that more than if he thinks about me.

[midnighteloquence]

den

…

im gonna kms

this hasnt been saved

for the THIRD FUCKING TIME

okay lets do it again i guess fucking bitch i had such good writing in here

heres my code names up to date i guess 🙄

(leaving A out til the end :3)

Friend B: i will never have anything negative to say about her. shes literally in the top three list of people i love. shes the reason im still here. shes my day oner frfr. im so glad she pointed out my bag that one day two years ago, because idk where i’d be if i wasnt her friend. being friends with her has brought me so many other people, so much of my personal development, and in general shes just amazing. not to mention shes so pretty. she makes school actually bearable. in the morning i’ll be pissed off about waking up and she’ll pick a crane fly off the wall or smth and my mood is immediately lifted. i love her with my whole heart

Friend C: oh boy where do i start

the main subject of this rant blog. every other rant on this blog is about him. i will admit that there was a time i liked him. but that was before we even knew each other. it all started going wrong when we became friends.

i admired them because in my eyes they seemed cool. we shared similar “alternative” interests, and they had so many stories to share. but now? i wish i could stop myself from being their friend. i hate their guts, i admit that, but maybe theres a different universe out there where i could like them. where they didnt hug me non consensually, or verbally attacked me as a “joke” (because of how much they love me 🥺), or made sexual jokes about me, or would ask repeatedly for things instead of accepting i said no, or lied pathologically, or did anything of the sort. but thats not this universe, and so in this one i can have and express that i dont like them and theyre a terrible human being. i hope you burn, but i also used to like you.

got melodramatic there whoopsies

Friend D: i admired them alongside C. ironic how admiring people from afar caused them to be terrible people. i hadnt noticed D’s red flags until a couple weeks ago, where i was properly educated, and now im pissed off. theyre scum to me. not in degrading way, theyre a genuine terrible human being. which is such a pity since they seemed like such a reasonable person. did not seem like the typa person to do these typa things (i have a rant here explaining). oh well, ill live. i barely talked to them anyways. theyll stick to thinking theyre not the problem, and ill stick to ranting about them in my tumblr posts.

Friend E: blast from the past wowoowowowowowiw

i was close to them like last year summer, but dropped them ages ago this year. i had my reasons, and obviously made sure that i told them my reasons instead of just leaving because i knew that was the right thing. tbh? idr what half of those reasons were. im sure most were reasonable, but also i was extremely petty back then. nowadays i dont rlly care for them. im neutral. like if they chatted to me i would be fine with it and chat back, but i dont wanna be their friend. and its fine because they understand that and dont wanna be mine either. its the first breakup (friend breakup) ive had that ends with communication instead of leaving on read.

Friend F: yippee some positive sprinkle in yo life! i dont talk to her often but shes so cool and admirable as a human being and generally really bubbly and fun. shes the reason i ever found out im autistic! which thank you for that. they dropped D for their mental health and that’s soooo admirable and respectable of them. i admire them from afar and wish we talked more. even if we arent in the same friend group anymore, i still think theyre neat!

And finally…

Friend A: a bitch /j

okay okay for serious they are the reason im alive. im not exaggerating when i say you saved me. youre an actual angel (if not a wholeass goddess) sorry im dumping a “if not for you id be dead!” thing whoops. NEWays she makes my life and school life so much better and is so entertaining to talk to. not to mention pretty like??? im going to actually confess here and now that there were a couple times i needed you to repeat what you said because all i was thinking about is “how can someone be this pretty?” /gen /ily /p

bulleting holes- points because you did so >:3

the most creative mf on the planet when it comes to plotlines, lore, character designs. AND THEN YOU STILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE MORE PLOTLINES AND CHARACTERS???? insane dude

your make actual schedules which is maddening considering i cant even think of what im having for dinner

pretty…

hilarious because why you got me giggling and kicking my feet at your texts

CAN SOMEHOW PUT UP WITH ME YAPPING

super duper duper passionate about interests >:3

distance

science is so boring without you come back…

your remarks are so funny man like genuinely how do you come up with stuff like that on the spot

i lovevevevvrvevevevvevevvevec your clothing style ahhhh im gonna steal your clothes

i love you

thats a bullet point

ily man never forget 🤙

I think thats it! (i excluded mario, friend 1 & 2 because cba)

bye bye if tumblr doesnt save this im loading a glock