#it wasnt supposed to lead somewhere

[sidesteppostinghours]

4 + 5 + 8 + 40 + 34 and I) G) F) for Cyrus Becker my beloved 🧡

afternoon idle!! oh my god questions galore *cracks knuckles* cyrus get your ass over here youre up

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Very difficult, and at the same time easier than youd think. he definitely doesnt entertain everybody, but hes not unreasonable. hell hear you out if you give him enough reason to (or if he thinks its beneficial to get to know you. do you see why he gets attached to people hes supposed to be manipulating so often). ortega and mortum required him to establish a relationship, which is how they got so close to eachother so quickly. herald got by because cyrus thought hed be a useful contact in the rangers. chen couldve earned his trust a long time ago, they had to work with eachother a lot back when he still ran with the rangers, but chen squandered it on his suspicions and its been too long for cyrus to have any interest in patching up their relationship. argent has largely flown under his radar, she hasnt piqued his interest more than the passing curiosity of why she wanted the regenerator.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

the default is mistrust. sorry yall, hes not taking any more chances than necessary. hes a telepath, he knows all too well what secrets other people hide, and hes not interested in giving people a chance to prove his suspicions wrong. but after hes grown to trust somebody? its... embarrassing how difficult it is to lose it. even though his trust is much shakier nowadays, you still need to have fucked up Majorly to get him back to mistrusting you. if you somehow manage to do that,,, uhhhh. what do you want on your tombstone? (ig its technically its possible to not die and even earn that trust back??? ortega managed, but thats ortega and hes statistically more likely to kill you or ruin your life. depends on how badly you fucked up. id say theres a good 5% chance youll survive the experience without the need for intense psychotherapy)

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

listen. follow orders. be exactly who we need you to be. cyrus was a deeply rebellious regene, but he wasnt stupid about it. hed go against the mission in secret, and just enough that nobody wouldve been able to trace any problems back to him. that doesnt mean he was never caught, but he was too competent of a regene to be scrapped, which saved him multiple times before. those few times did cause handlers to keep a closer eye on him though, just in case. handlers would usually keep a harder grip on cyrus, hold him to stricter standards. it contributed a lot to his own self talk. SPEAKING OF WHICH:

40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

you must imagine me holding him and looking lovingly into his eyes while i dump a gallon of insecurity and perfectionism on him. hes a proud man, he thinks hes better than what other people are capable of, but that arguably makes things worse when he does make a mistake. he of all people shouldnt be like this. add the puppetmaster scar on him and its a hefty load of 'i need to make sure every single step of my plan goes exactly right Or Else." the worst thing about him is that a lot of the petty flaws he thinks apply to him arent correct. AND HE CANT EVEN NAME HIS ACTUAL FLAWS. cyrus you are so smart and walking around with zero self awareness, its the best. please consider stepping into acid.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? 

hohohohoho. well. the first step is to get him to feel guilty in the first place. traditionally immoral actions arent going to get to him, obviously. the thing that springs up guilt for him most often is themmys death. he has. a Lot of survivors guilt about that. especially because hes convinced himself he couldve done something and *gestures to the ask above*. guilt will haunt him for life if it doesnt get resolved in a healthy way, but hes gotten good at burying his emotions a long time ago. even when he feels like that, he reserves a specific time to think about it, otherwise itll impede on his plans in the long run. that designated time is. usually when hes supposed to be sleeping. his sleep schedule is just a little bit messed.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

oh dude i Love putting cyrus in aus. its so fun to poke him with a stick and see what happens. the first one i put him in was a band au, it helped me figure out how he would interact with herald. basically cyrus was a masked guitarist (for backstory reasons) for a band daniel happened to be a fan of, except the two of them managed to meet at just regular old work, with cyrus not realizing daniel was a fan and daniel not realizing cyrus was from one of his favourite bands. it led to fun, mlb-esque shenanigans between the two lmfao. the second one i put him in was the becker siblings au, which i still have thoughts and emotionsTM about. that au let me indulge in the 'cyrus is an older sibling' headcanon and i will forever be in debt to it for the amount of protective cyrus i got. third and current au im obsessing over is a 'cyrus survives hb' scenario, where ortega managed to stop him before he jumped out the window. i am getting! so much ortega x cyrus content out of that au! and so much survivors guilt cyrus. cyrus 'using' ortega to forget about heartbreak my beloveddddd. he also says 'i love you' to ortega in this au and canon ortega is SO jealous. also x2, hes an alcohol vice step in this au. heartbreak hit hard and the tequila hits different.

aaaand i still like his canon version better. its just so very much him. out of every step ive got, hes the one i get to stay closest to how i envision based on the choices the game offers. plus he caught me completely by surprise suckerpunching me with an obsession over him and i cant Not respect that.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

not sure whether this means on a character creation level or as a person, but ill answer for 'as a person' because im overall pretty satisfied with how he turned out! but like. god what is there to not be bothered about. my manipulative little shit of a son. ig the trait that frustrates me the most is his self destructive tendencies. like. Sir. are you at all aware of the fact that people care for you and want you safe? and that you can respond to that concern with something other than "i can use this", "sucks to be them", or, "no theyre not"? sir. sir answer the question. hes so empathetic and also literally a telepath but somehow cant compute genuine concern at him. as frustrating as it is though, i cannot deny that it is deeply funny to watch him fumble so badly.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

normal. the ones where people look at me and think "wow, that is a person who is having (a) regular thought(s) about their character! very cool!" you will never see a person who is more normal about their guy than i am (i am grabbing him by the teeth and shaking him like a dog with a very strong kill instinct).

truly though, thinking of him gets me buzzing. hes like a puzzle, i keep breaking him apart and putting him back together again to see how everything works. i have this thing where ill often think about showing character analysis to the characters themeselves, just to see how they would react, and i undeniably do this the most with cyrus. i want to explain step by step (hah) why he is the way that he is now, like the whole timeline is plotted inside my head and its so!!!!! i am!!!!! chewing on him!!!!!

questions from here!

[acaciapines]

rotating noelle around in my brain. i need the dess raises kris au to be real RIGHT NOW.

please talk to me about the dess raises kris au i think im gonna explode. also start writing it this summer maybe :3333

[verpineshatterrifle]

Arligan 👁️👄👁️

listen ok... it's about how he tries so hard to play by the rules and do the right thing, and he knows skirata and his gang aren't playing by the rules at all, and how maybe he wishes he could go rogue like that too, but he can't, right

and as the war drags on he gets more and more beaten down and disillusioned but what the hell can he do about it? everybody knows it's all wrong but there's no way out

[ajdrawshq]

HELP GIRL IM STUCK IN THIS MAZE AND THE ROOMS ARE LOOPING

[hannieehaee]

18+ / mdi

content: loser!jungkook, sub!jungkook, softdom!reader, afab reader, loss of virginity, smut, dry humping, handjob, penetrative sex, etc.

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, extra

wc: 1894

a/n: this wasnt proofread at all so pls excuse any mistakes</3

masterlist

"o-oh, i don't think we should-"

"you don't want to?", you pouted at the wide eyed boy under you, hand on his chin as you made him look straight into your eyes.

"it's not that- it's just that, uh, i- i wouldnt want to be disrespectful or anything," he stumbled over his words, bunny teeth biting into his bottom lip.

you chuckled patronizingly, readjusting yourself on his lap and making him let out a low hiss at the movement.

"it's okay, bunny. we're just having fun, right? nothing wrong with it if we both want it, hmm?", your hands went down to his dress shirt, playing with the collar, undoing the very top button, "plus, we did make a deal, didn't we, bunny?"

oh, right. the deal.

jungkook's eyes almost rolled back at the implication of the agreement you had unexpectedly dropped onto his lap a few days ago.

your grade for your statistics class had somehow dropped below average somewhere along the semester, which caused your professor to recommend some tutoring to you, claiming that you'd likely not be able to graduate if you failed this class, as it was a requirement.

being in your senior year of college, failing was not a risk you could take, so you pleaded with your professor to assign you a tutor, whomever he deemed the smartest. that's when jungkook came into the picture.

by all means, jungkook could easily be described as a loser. his only friends were fellow members of the anime club, taehyung and jimin, equally as virginal as himself. more than anything, jungkook was just incredibly socially awkward, leading him to a life of loserdom as he made no friends and zero good impressions in life. this led him to dedicate all his efforts to school and give up on any social endeavors.

when the professor had asked him to tutor one of his lower-graded students, jungkook had no issue with it. he was offered extra credit if he did so, so it just seemed like a win-win situation to him. it wasnt until jungkook was told it'd be you he'd be tutoring that he began to have a problem with it.

now, jungkook didn't know you, he simply knew of you. so what if he had a crush on you? he didn't need to know the ins and outs of your personality to be into you.

except he kind of did.

to be quite frank, jungkook had a slight obsession with you ever since meeting you at orientation a few years ago. his friends were aware of his crush on you, always teasing him for taking the same classes you did just to get a glimpse of you whenever he could.

how did he find out your schedule? as ashamed as he was to admit it, he had wrongfully used his power as an administrative assistant on campus. he knew he wasnt supposed to, but he couldnt help in looking up your name and saving your schedule for future use.

unfortunately, jungkook never did anything other than coordinate your schedules. he was far too shy to even make eye contact with you, having never even introduced himself to you.

and now he had to tutor you. alone in your room as you sat side by side.

at least that was what he had pictured, not this. not you catching onto his crush immediately and proposing you pay him back for his efforts in the form of taking his virginity.

he could've sworn he almost had a heart attack when you'd shamelessly suggested it, somehow clocking both his crush and his virginal state within twenty minutes of your first session.

that session had ended quickly after that, with jungkook sheepishly accepting with a desperate nod and receiving a chaste kiss on his cheek as a goodbye.

and now you straddled him while he sat on your bed, hands shyly holding onto your hips.

"y-yeah, the deal," he breathed through his nose, mentally preparing himself for whatever you'd do to him. he'd take anything you gave him.

you grinned at him, lowering your head to kiss at his neck, making him immediately sigh in pleasure. he could feel the stickiness of your lipgloss leaving its mark on his neck, but he didnt care. he wished the marks could stay forever.

nibbling at his neck, you made some longer-lasting marks, making him groan as his fingers dug into your pajama-clad hips. that's when your lips made their way back up, catching his own on his first kiss ever.

he knew he might've been awkward in how he kissed, but you didn't seem to mind it, taking his jaw in your hand and tilting his head so you could lick into his mouth. his soul left him at that moment, with his tongue far too desperate in its movement while yours remained slow and sensual. despite how messy he was, you still moaned against his lips, beginning to grind your hips into his own.

"a-ah, that's ... fuck," he breathed out.

"you like how that feels, bunny?" you whispered into his mouth, "just wait til you feel my pussy,"

this time his eyes did roll back. the mere thought of you wrapped around him made him want to rip his hair out in desperation, almost unable to wait until you have yourself to him.

you continued to suckle on his tongue, making him grow more and more frustrated by the second. your hands eventually came to fully unbutton his shirt, removing it before beginning to feel up his chest and arms, gasping into his mouth when his own arms wrapped around you and brought you closer.

jungkook felt his mind cloud as you ground against him, convinced that if he didn't get more from you, he'd lose his mind. fortunately for him, no begging was necessary for you to give him something that'd have his breath catching in his throat and his tent growing even harder.

he pathetically followed your lips when you pulled away, though he sat in complete awe upon realizing the reason why you'd pulled away in the first place. suddenly the sight of your breasts became the most pressing matter in jungkook's life. his breath stopped and his heart raced, making him feel like he'd pass out if he even dared make contact with the newly revealed skin.

yet his reaction did not prevent you from grabbing his hands and placing them on your breasts, guiding him so he'd squeeze and play with them.

"o-oh, fuck. they're so ... so fucking soft," he whimpered, "so pretty and ... shit, c-can i ... can- can i play with them?", he pleaded, eyes never leaving your swollen buds as his hands hesitantly ran over your breasts.

he hoped you knew what he meant by play, because he was far too embarrassed to properly word his desire.

luckily for him, you were just so nice and so pretty and so so smart that you understood, removing his hands and guiding his face to your breasts, pressing them together so he could rub his head against them, nuzzling his nose into the skin as be groaned a gruttal groan. his shy tongue came out to lick at them just moments later, licking over your nipples all while he whined and cried as if he was the one receiving the stimulation.

at some point your hands snuck between the two of you, sneaking beneath his pants and grabbing onto his cock. you jerked him as he lost himself to the supple skin of your breasts, letting out breathy whines into your skin while his hands tightly held onto you.

as pathetic as he knew he must've looked, he didn't care. he'd wanted you for years, and suddenly he had you in his arms, willing to let him do anything he wanted? any social filters within him left him, letting his unending desire for you take over no matter how embarrassed he would be at his desperate behavior after the fact.

you let him play with your tits for a while, letting out the prettiest sighs of pleasure as he got his fill of you, eventually pulling him away so you could kiss him again. despite being out of breath, he kissed you back with everything he had, now more able to match your pace.

"bunny, wanna ride you," you pulled away with a pretty pout, letting go of his dick.

"p-please. yes, i- yes," he stammered, hands coming down to touch at his clothed cock out of reflex.

giggling at his desperation, you attempted to get up, only to be stopped by jungkook's grabby hands as he whined at you not to let go. grabbing his arms, you reminded him you needed to take off your shorts, making him get an embarrassed look on his face at the realization.

he got up to take off his own pants, sitting back down and pulling you to him the moment you'd stripped. once more, you giggled at how badly he clearly wanted you, pulling him into yet another kiss.

"i'm gonna sit on it now, okay, bunny?", you breathed against him as you lifted yourself to line him up.

jungkook didn't trust his voice to not let out yet another string of desperate pleas, so he simply nodded, taking a deep breath to prepare himself.

but nothing could prepare him for the warmth of your cunt, nor for how tightly it wrapped around his cock, taking all air out of him. he couldnt help the whimpers of desperation that came out of his mouth when you first started bouncing against him, tightening every so often just to get a reaction out of him.

burying his head in your neck, he babbled nonsense against you, incapable of halting his pathetic noises enough to hear your own pretty moans.

after some time, you grabbed onto one of his hands, leading it between the two of you and guiding him, "play with my clit, bunny," you blindly guided him until he finally found your clit, following your instructions of rubbing it all while your bouncing never seized

and god, had that been a mistake.

you got impossibly tighter, dragging your nails down his back and crying his name in the prettiest gasps ever heard by man. he knew he'd meet his end like this, far sooner than he wanted. but he was comforted in knowing that your orgasm was close too, catching onto your pleas to cum with you.

muttering constant praise towards you, jungkook's orgasm took over him as your own arrived, making him deliver endless thank you's while your speed fastened and your rhythm lost all its sense.

"t-thank you, oh, fuck. thank you ... so fucking good, it's- it's so good. oh, thank you ..."

you immediately fell onto each other when your highs had gone down, equally out of breath. being the sweet girl jungkook always knew you to be, he hummed in contentment when you held onto him, cuddling into him in a loving manner and playing with his hair.

if you weren't careful, he'd probably fall in love with you even more than he already had.

he only broke the silence after a few minutes of cuddling, still slightly out of breath.

"do you- do you still wanna go over your statistics homework?"

you laughed, nuzzling further into him, "maybe tomorrow, bunny."

[localbisexual333]

Arcane season 2

ok so kinda mad at netflix bc even though they're finally taking matpat's advice, i want the rest of season 2 of arcane already. Finished watching the first 3 episodes and loved them - spoilers ahead, you've been warned

Ambessa's plan or what we know of it is def going to backfire. Cait only did what she's done bc she's grieving and bottling up her feelings. Mel even says that she doing a good job at hiding her feelings. Also the black rose thing is connected to the hexcore thing im pretty sure. It's like another version of corrupted magic or something.

Jinx and Sevika have a lot of similarities. Their little bonding scene was nice and i kinda hope they'll both be alive at the end of season 2. Isha (the name of the kid Jinx helps - thanks subtitles) is also cute and if Jinx lives she would definitely be raising her. If Sevila also lives i totally see her helping jinx raise isha.

Victor is totally accidentally going to start a cult. We see him heal that one shimmer victim (forgot his name) and the rest of them bow to victor. My theory is the hexcore which is now inside victor - is using him to corrupt others like the shimmer victims. We already see it infecting the trees and the hex beam thing. Also quick theory about how the hex beam thing got corrupt is last season victor coughs blood and some falls. Thats probly how - victor's blood fell and stuck there starting to infect it. Back to the cult thing - later we're likely going to see it infect more people till there's an army and then the hexcore will fully take control. Or victor starts a cult that helps later on and the hexcore isnt actually evil. But heimerdinger's (i def spelt his name wrong) warning last season and jace being like 'we were wrong victor'makes me think its evil.

Vi and cait have kinda flipped sides. In season 1 vi is impulsive and takes action a lot. Now we see that with cait. Also, they finally kissed good job - but that small progress is now gone :(

Finally im gonna end off on mel. Mel in the intro has shadow hands coming for her in her first part. In the second part of the intro she's in see screams them away. Finally she's sitting on a couch with a black rose. Earlier in thr intro her mom ambessa squishes or crunches up a balck rose. Mel picks it up. My theory is that mel is being pressured into what everyone else wants but later in the season she going to take back control. We see her forced to be fine with enforcers invading the undercity. Which is part of her being controlled. How she takss back controll idk. Maybe leading her mom's army is she dies or something. Also ambessa dying is likely i think bc of mel picking up a black rose. Continuing where her mothet left off or something. Now at the end of episode 3 we see her get taken away, she's definitely gone to wherever the black rose person is. The magic used does seem to corrupt/mindcontrol ending in the victim dying (poor elora). And it seems to appear and dissappear without a sign. But it does have a weakness - a combination of runes as we see carved into that spear one of ambessa soldiers uses. Im wondering what the debt is that needs to be payed. It has to do with mel's dead brother but what did we get himself into? Idk maybe stole something he wasnt supposed to or stuck his head somewhere it didnt belong.

But yea those are my theories and stuff. If you read down to here thank you i wrote A LOT so thanks for reading all of it

If you have a theory or observation leave it in the comments

[i-cant-sing]

almost everything we know about the early history of islam is the result of islamic-government-sponsored histories, the early caliphates actively destroyed early variant qurans, early records, etc, and the story of the founding of islam as-told is totally bonkers and doesnt make any sense (like, first of all, assuming muhammad wasnt in fact divinely inspired, then he couldnt have been raised pagan in a city of all pagans could he, he had to get the abrahamic stuff somewhere), mecca is totally unevidence pre-muhammad, etc, the stuff we DO have from the area is the classic late-antiquity levant mix of judaism and christianity (not like, there are christians and there are jews, but a melange ideologically). who knows what actually happened in arabia in the 600s but the story as-told is bullshit and its crazy its taught as history, itd be like teaching the gospels as history

just say you're an islamophobe and move on💀but i suppose everyone thinks my inbox is a venting sesh.

u wont believe it, but as Muslims we do believe in the orginial abrahamic religions (go do ur research and find how wrong u are when u see all the similarities between the religions)

every single thing u claim, ugh honestly your audacity to claim your opinions as facts is downright embarrassing, but you wont believe a word im gonna say because you're gonna think im just a brainwashed, biased muslim so... why dont you do your research on your own claims and change your behaviour?

as for the "government-sponsored histories" i mean.... the government did want the best for their people, how dare they choose a great religion for their people and lead them to heaven? and girl u wont BELIEVE me when u look up renaissance. ever wondered why the church was investing so much money in arts and literature????? yeah, its one way to inspire people about religion by depicting scenes from Bible into paintings. im sure you'll find how a lot of other religions work too.

its one thing to disagree with someone's religion, its another to be dumb ass and try to slander someones religion when no one asked for ur opinion, especially here- a blog for fics. if you have nothing better to do, just take a nap.

[cloudcountry]

Im not sure if it’s supposed to be requested one here or the other one,, but just in case

Congrats on 1000+!! If the event isn’t over yet could you do Lilia + dance

here is fine !!! :D it wasnt over when you sent this in, dw <3

the last three requests are ALL lilia which i think is so funny.

ITS ANGSTY.....I AM SORRY.

LILIA VANROUGE + DANCE (1k event details)

~~~~~

Your first dance was on Ramshackle’s front lawn, under the stars.

His eyes were bright, like the moon above, reflecting the light he saw in you.

You were both aware that your light was dimmer than his.

Years passed and the two of you fell into an easy rhythm. There was hardly a doubt that you’d made yourself a home in Diasomnia, specifically the corridors leading to Lilia’s dorm. You were always around there somewhere.

You doted on Silver endlessly, helping him stay awake and breaking up scuffles between him and Sebek (that the latter always initiated.) Lilia would watch from the sidelines, laughing up a storm at how brave and caring you were.

The next time you danced was at your wedding. It was the second marriage between a fae and a human Briar Valley had ever seen, and it caused quite the outrage.

You tried your best not to cry that night, and you’re sure you only made it through because of your now husband.

It wasn’t long before Lilia could hear the clocks ticking. Your time was running out, it was running out faster than he would have liked, and it saw it in every movement you made.

You still danced with him.

At the end of it all, Lilia hadn’t changed much, except—

He does not dance anymore.

[xaeydnquartz]

Part of me kinda wants to stop DMing my first and current campaign? IDK just need to vent

So, brief expo. like many, got into CR during the pandemic (mainly due to "The Legend of Vox Machina" which lead to me actually bingeing the all 3 campaigns) During which time a friend (who was in my immediate friend group but like the rest of my friend group, i didnt really feel close to) told me that he was really into CR as well. As a fresh new critter, i was stoked. Was able to share my blossoming love of CR with someone (FINALLY!) during which we both mentioned how D&D looked so much fun and that it would be really great to be able to play and ooo what if we got our friends together and played.

After which we discussed, if we did, who would be DM? Seeing as how none of our friends really played D&D our talk lead to either my friend or me and after asking the question "Which do you think you would prefer more?" It was clear i would try my hand at DMing (i like lore in games, and i like storytelling, and im a tad bit of a control freak at times, lol)

Anyway, we eventually got in touch with our close knit of friends, and though i intended to be a standard 6 we suddenly had an 8 party party (and that was with me having to tell even less close friends there wasnt room).

Feeling it would still be manageable (as there was precedent that i could pull inspo from, CR) i began planning a rough idea of a campaign and working with my friends to create their characters and running a session 0 so we were all on the same page. You know standard stuff.

-Fast Forward to current date and time-

It has its stressful moments, but i still am able to enjoy the time with my friends for the most part (though theres a lot of times were ive never felt lonelier) Which brings me to the whole point of the post, my need to vent to the void about this loneliness. Nobody really gets in touch or interacts with me at all. Not to talk about the campaign or even collab on their characters. The most i get are occasional critiques about how i could have done something better couple sessions prior and request to add another person to the 8 person party. When we have sessions, people show up late quite often, leave early quite often, have to cancel as they have other things they are doing (even though we planned and scheduled weeks prior) and even when people are there they somtimes feel like they arent always present. i already feel extremely distant from all of them as they all live closer to each other while i live on the totally opposite side of the state and theyve known each other way longer than i have, but the minimal interactions they have with me, the DM/GM of all people, just continues to add to all of it I know we all are busy with our lives, and that compared to those things D&D is really not that big of a deal or important. And i get that, it is just a game afterall, but it still manages to hit pretty hard

I've communicated my feelings through our time of this campaign, if im being honest, maybe not this indepth. I mean, its partially because i barely see or talk to them (again life gets in the way) but also because i feel extremely guilty for putting this kind of tension to something we are all supposed to be enjoying and relaxing to. Its especially painful as most recently 2 players, who said they would get in touch with me about changes possibly being being made to their characters, never got in touch in anyway shape or form, and its been about a month now? And session is in a week...i didnt even get much as a reply back. Idk, its been almost about a year now and i felt i just needed to get this out somewhere other than debating myself.

Thanks for listening tumblr.

[conceptofjoy]

i enjoy how you made hal take after mom (and rose?) in clothing... i feel like its important but i am probably overthinking it bc i am not sure if the i think about it is even a little close to the original idea... i was wondering about her (hals) feelings once she started to realize that she could actually take care of her wardrobe and. It would be kind of dilemma considering she is still somewhere between i should look up to dirk (aka the concept of masculinity she had to inherit) and fuck this shit. so to see some1 who can indirectly "help" you crack the egg problem apart and become more aware of your self after is very wholesome. SWeet gods give hal her happines.s

.. also just remembered my first crisis when i couldnt decide what exactly i wanted to dress up. I was like obsessively relying on stereotypes (i honestly dont know what word to use here because it wasnt exactly stereotypes but i dont want to be tautological), so just dressing the way i wanted seemed too alien and dressing the way everything expected from me made me feel hideoufuuUCKKK. hope it wasnt too weird to just drop it so thank you a lot a lot!!! for letting people just ramble in your asks <3 Its really nice to look up here and see things that will make you feel nice even if make people feel nice wasnt the exact goal

YES that was what i had in mind :D its a hal and dirk struggle that they’re either doing 100% or barely at all. in this case 100% being alpha mom’s style of femininity, and not much at all being just wearing dirk’s hand me downs.

ultimately she has to find her own style/ identity and branching out into copying various women in her life is a good start, but she also has to figure out that there isn’t a By The Book Right Way to do this. shed totally feel like she was a faker at first ugh, not only was she supposed to be dirk, what does it mean that she’s trying to emulate other people?

is this free will or Stockholm leading her to do this?

why bother if people are going to see her as dirk no2 regardless?

in the effort to try to distance herself from from visually looking like dirk, is she doing this for herself or is she just repulsed at the idea of looking like this? something like that.

[mono-red-menace]

sorry just thinking about how often growing up i'd do things and be so full of shame and try to hide them and not know why im hiding it

like listening to britney spears or watching "girl" shows or playing with my sister's dolls or playing my sister's dating games or like all of that stuff.

like. i mean it's not necessarily that i didn't know why i was hiding it, but like. not knowing why i couldn't stop myself from loving them? yk?

like why did i feel so drawn to do "girl" things? even through the shame? even though i had to hide it? even though i'd risk getting caught?

why did i feel like i Had to do it?

why was i so drawn to the books targeted towards little girls that were my age?

why did boy things not really interest me?

i spent so much of my time growing up doing things boys were "supposed" to like to do, pretending i enjoyed them, to cover my shame, which was that the things i enjoyed the most were things that boys Weren't supposed to enjoy.

i liked playing with my sister's dolls and i liked my sister's games and i liked my sister's shows and i liked my sister's music and i liked girl things and i hated guy things and i didn't even realise i felt like this until i was reading if i was your girl lately and i was reading about the character and thinking about how she's kinda a stereotypical trans girl and then. i realised.

like uh

the barrier over my childhood broke down. and i realised how my childhood was balancing the shame of my girliness with the facade of boyishness.

and how for literally my entire life i was a stereotypical little girl. i was girlier than my sister. i liked girl things more than her and liked boy things less. i liked playing with her bratz dolls and playing her dating game more than she did.

but i wasnt Allowed. yk?

and like this wall is just Open now yk?

and im remembering in whipping girl how julia serano talks about how things like this are somewhere between nature and nurture

bc like if it was entirely nature. then why would we have girly boys and boyish girls?

and if it was entirely nurture, then why do the girly boys and boyish girls persist Through societal pressure against them?

shouldnt the pressure drive them away from that?

and maybe its because the only people i felt safe around and loved by in my life were women, yk.

and its fully 100% nurture and i just didnt have a man i felt safe around. so i naturally developed into a girlier boy,

but also like maybe there Is some nature to it. maybe im just naturally empathetic and sensitive and artistic and all of those things, and maybe those natural qualities in me lead me toward "girl" things, even though im not supposed to like them, yk?

idk.

[doomzday-zone]

waitrr sorry kind of william ask I guess but I need to know more about also vanessa and the scary nightmare bunker What r they doing🙏🙏🙏

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE 😈 *rubs my little paws together evilly*

this specific bit takes insp from a few places but the main one being Amnesia: The Bunker, for the obviously reasons(bunker) but also !!!!! THERES A GIANT PREDATORY RABBIT THERE HUNTING THEM BOTH💖💖💖💖 ill get to what this and other shit means from a thematic n whatever standpoint later but just know its awesome and immm insane<33

also side note i say bunker but its not even The scary bunker its more like a basement/cellar-ish thing connected to a shed he has somewhere in the woods. nawt to be confused w the actual Evil Bunker dw abt it 😁

ANYWAYS, initially william takes vanessa there to, dispose of her so to speak slash keep her there until he can find a good use for her or until he decides to straight up kill her. heart<3 smth smth vanessa ended up seeing smth she wasnt supposed to LOL(you can imagine) anyways while hes throwing her down there one thing leads to another and they both end up getting trapped in there, at the beginning theres this like slow creeping dread when they both notice smth is not.... right..... here. like the place is WAYYY larger than its supposed to be and theres strange holes in the walls n shit (😳) which eventually turns into full on monster horror once they realize theyre both being Hunted 😈 and theyre in what is basically a maze of rabbit tunnels and burrows, HERE IS WHERE THE INTO THE PIT AND IN THE FLESH INSPS COME INNNNN<333333 obv the maze is a kinda reference to the game in the in the flesh story, and the time loop/warping is a reference to both in the flesh and in the pit<33 speaking of which is a really important element, neither of them can die Down There and yes they both die at least once and not just at the dreaded claws of The Rabbit😏 once they both die tho the loop officially 'resets' and they end up in the middle of the burrow again, their main goal is to obv get Out lol. the ending of which is kinda sad and takes insp from fazbears frights in general w a classic cliffhanger conclusion, they eventually find the exit but william isnt just gonna let vanessa leave even after all that ..... he closes and locks the door w vanessa still down there</3 the last scene being her crying and sobbing for him to let her out as faint sounds of scratching and growling is heard from behind.............

OKAYYYYY HEEHEE now onto the MEANINGS and THEMES<3333333 The Bunker and Rabbit kind of represent the same things as The Rabbit and The Pit do in into a pit, its a representation of all of wills sins n shit festering and creating smth monstrous. that darkness only growing and further rooting itself further into william and others around him, being shown here in the form of a huge predatory rabbit digging maze-like tunnels seemingly endlessly. all this eventually coming back to (literally) bite William in the ass lmao, and vanessa...... ouuuuuu vanessa😫 williams obv in here as a form of punishment (even if he does eventually get off scott free AS USUAL smh) but so is vanessa in a way</3 she didnt physically KILL anyone but like he does with michael(albeit in a different way) he forces 'the gloves' so to speak onto them (think about in sister loctaion how the animatronics think mike is william, onv in universe theyd probably look fairly similar but thematically speaking... you know</3 the fct ues down there because his dad told him too😭) so while vanessa didnt do anything herself her hands are bloodied by proxy...... :((((( SOBS /

anyways..... i thunk thats it yea. explodes**

Edit: OH ALSO . SMTH I DIDNT MENTION BEFORE BUT IS ALSO IMPORTANT IS THAT IT LIKE. THE ENVIRONMENT IS A MIX BETWEEN DIRT RABBIT TUNNELS N BURROWS AND FREDDYS THEMED HALLWAYS N ROOMS N SHIT <33 SO LIKE THEYLL BE IM A DURT TUNNEL AND END UP IN A FREDDYS ROOM N WHATEVER Y GET IT. GRINS 😁😁😁😁

and and im this case by 'forcing the gloves' onto vanessa i mean he . william literally forced her to help dispose of a Body 💔💔💔

[leona-florianova]

Finished playing Weird West...Interesting concept and some of the ideas but daaaaaammnnnnn... repetitive with too many too similar settings.. Not enough variety.. and not enough NPCs with dialogue trees that lead somewhere...Also there could have been more NPCs with just..random lore and stories of their own life?...but no... They didnt use that potential

And worst of all... For a game thats supposed to be a Weird West it wasnt weird enough u_u

[blackvahana]

Right, so, today we confront the beast which is a funny af way to start this

Ive needed to confront the things that lead me to resonating with Kos and uh I need to do that now. Last night, I was drawn to a specific place... here's the thing. I know theres a self, and things under the surface, and so on that make me latch on to Kos and her hamlet and so on... i know shes been kept at the forefront of my mind - or at least on the back burner - because I have to get back to and into developing what exactly it is in me and around me that resonates through her face as a mask of mine. So when I talk needing to fulfil things... Im not trying to be Kos, Kos has just been used as symbolism and a face for parts of myself I havent brought to light yet

Theres a place in my mind that.. see, the both difficult and now much easier task of peeling the mask from the truth comes into play here, it was really hard before, now its hard to know how to speak on this. Theres a place I know intimately that knows me, that knows the sea, that has Mira rising from the depths, that... yeah. Lev's right about this leading outside of English and on-plane languages too far to even try tying it back. Its not a place, is a place.

Either way. So Levs helping me get back into making "nymphs", I still havent come up with a name for them. Effectively: He described them as shed skin cells of aspects (aspects being, again by him, external selves/other bodies) which become little beings, like gametes whose other halves are the world... He kind of faltered with that last bit in the way of him acknowledging an inaccuracy he wasnt wording, the inaccuracy seemingly being better covered if I say "they're gametes, they dont have an other half, theyre held in the womb of reality" - they dont have consciousnesses of their own. The Mira are some, so are the... specific storm sirens I was drawn to - specific as in Im sure there's other spirits that fit that but certain sirens are a part of myself - and uh. probably the "manifested" Choir are too. Its an on/off switch for me, this is an art Im intimately familiar with outside this life - Lev again compares it to making gametes like puberty switches on reproduction, you can switch on this external "reproduction" - but i just havent wanted that to be switched on lmfao.

Ive also been needing to actually let go and allow energetic wellsprings to form in ANVD. Every time Ive been guided to push unchallenged, unmetered, undiluted springs of specific aspects - the Sun, Creation, Waters of Life(/part of Mother of All), etc - I have toned it back severely, added a thousand layers of webbing to slow whats brought in, only allowing whats... well. a pathetic amount of shit through. I know why im doing it lmfao I. yeah. anyway. but... this goddamn place thats supposed to be a spring of something...

This place. All the salt in ANVD - because for some reason I keep seeing supersaturated fluid and salt crystals everywhere - is partly leading back to this place. The (specific to this place) spring is tied to the "nymph" making in that I think the Mira are supposed to spring (haha pun unintended) from here, and - see. Im haunted. We're talking nymphs and I push out of my mind the relation between the slug women and Kos. We talk about a beach and a people that know me especially in unrestrained aquatic form and. its a little harder to ignore. we talk about the Mira springing up from somewhere specifically probably and hopefully fruitfully and. you see how this is getting harder to ignore

Its not even about the fiction, genuinely. its not to do with bloodborne, its. I brought up The Inevitable the other day lmfao. the fact that Ive been both chasing myself for years down a specific path and directly, without chasing, following that exact path like its in my blood. is. alright. it genuinely is alright. thats the scary part: im no longer scared of the self around the corner

Either way. I need to tie ANVD to energy wellsprings. lev very specifically said the spring in this place - wherever this place may be - is an aspect of mine undiscovered, as in... its not Sun, not Sky, not Day, not Madness, and its not my base energy, but its still a "body" - its an aspect, not a body - which. means. probably. that uh. that Mother of All and the Sun as the infinite energy wellspring of - its. its one of those moments where I look at my unincarnated selves and go oh yeah I am a version of you.

...... which. lmfao. my god. how many times do i have to say "if I fear it for no apparent reason tied to morals or genuine immediate danger its probably because I am it" why oh why I wonder have I been weirdly fearing and toning back these becoming a thing over there. anyway. well that tells me what I need to go do now

[bluberryffxiv]

topic of the hour seems to be ardbert and his relation to the wol and its been making me ruminate on his relationship with bonana so lets ramble about that....but first i have to talk about mental illness. lol

so, the instigating action of nemona leaving home and starting her msq journey was her mom finally putting her foot down and forcing her to go to sharlayan, something shed been fighting against for years at that point. she did not take it very well at all, and in the days following she became a mess of anger and despondence and was pretty inconsolable, the world may as well have been ending for her at that point. which lead to her doing a lot of drastic and irrational things, one of which came very close to killing her

while she was unconscious she had a strange dream, in which she met another version of herself who acted very different. he was kind and gentle, and introduced himself as bonana (the nickname his friends used). he offered to trade places, promising to ease the burdens of life and carry onwards for nemona, stating that whenever she felt ready she could trade back

when bonana was woken up by sasabe, it was as if he was a different person. no longer moping around, he acted with clarity and made a plan. he realized there was a ship bound for eorzea, leaving before the one he was supposed to be on. so he made his preparations, cutting and dyeing his hair and donning a new wardrobe, essentially discarding his old life and making way for the one hed always dreamed of

from then on he was just bonana, the guy who was eager to help anyone and everyone, with only a vague recollection of a promise made to...someone. whenever he got asked why he did what he did this is all he would answer with, if he answered at all. to any aware of him and sasabe they assumed she was the person he meant, and she herself believed it too because he had also made a promise to her in the past (in reality he had repressed that memory because it was made after a very traumatic incident).

it wouldnt be until heavensward when he picks up dark knight that nemonas presence starts to leak through in the form of fray, giving voice to the thoughts and feelings bonana thought he'd left behind. and it happens again later with myste, this time giving form to the pent up guilt and grief he couldnt process. but neither time really stuck because he wasnt ready to acknowledge what he'd done

which finally brings us to shadowbringers and how this all relates to ardbert! at this point bonana, as a personality, is breaking down because he was something made out of a childs idea of a hero, and he simply wasnt built to weather the kinds of things he'd faced as the warrior of light, with the events of shb bringing him to his very limits. however, ardbert ended up being a very welcome presence because during downtime they got to talk and understand each other better, and bonana came to realize how eerily similar the two of them were. he ended up being the first person he'd confide in about his dissociative nature and poor memory, and ardbert genuinely seemed to understand

so just like the exarch, losing him after the soul fusion felt like losing a piece of his heart, ironically (keep in mind bonana is horrible at dealing with loss). ardbert became another bullet on the list of things that lead to his breakdown at the very end of the patches.

but now we know ardbert didnt completely disappear, and i think during anemone arc he gains a complete understanding of the situation, and wants nothing more than to reach through to nemona and her how much she is loved, as herself. literally im just imagining him sitting somewhere deep in the back of her head as this guy throughout endwalker, until the oddity nature of ultima thule finally allows him to help revive bonana

[beesmygod]

a few years ago, chalice dungeon hacking lead to the discovery of some unused enemies in the chalice dungeons: micolash's marionettes

i assumed they added them for testing reasons or something. but i saw a reddit post that claimed that the red cloaked chime maidens from the one reborn fight appear in a dev dungeon as a boss fight. no proof or link and i spent like an entire afternoon looking for like, any proof at all. no one else mentioned this.

but finally. just now. i found that the eggheads at bloodborne-wiki DID find it AND wrote it down in like, a spreadsheet i didnt find on their website under the datamining page.

im pretty sure the red maiden + marionette combo is a relatively novel connection. it wasnt ever really clear what was up with the pthumerians during the one reborn lol. but now we know they came from the dungeons and i think were supposed to be another addition to the pthumerian descendant and pthumerian elder line-up (based on clothing colors).

i guess micolash learned it from somewhere. i wasnt really questioning his ability to raise the dead but i guess i should have. the man has a lobster cage on his head