#we have a lot of academic interest but no ability to like. write that.

[mantisgodsdomain]

"oh wow [REDACTED] i see a lot of sex-related titles in there does your portfolio have nsfw in it-" NO it doesn't. We failed sexuality class. If we were capable of writing anything NSFW then we would use that ability to write character studies examining a character's relation to their body and how the reproductive strategies and adaptations their species uses may impact it. We're, like, physically incapable of producing A Sex in any form besides doing academic speculation like we're a scholar theorizing about t-rex mating strategies and we don't think that our 3k word essay on potential cultural attitudes and pressures regarding sex & reproduction as they relate to insects in a world where their biology has adapted to a point where they live for far longer than a few days or months at the cost of an excess rate of mutation meaning that the majority of resulting grubs are likely to be both nonsapient and likely to kill or maul their siblings upon emerging from the egg or cocoon is, like... the kind of stuff that our followers or random Ao3 users would want to read.

[ohnoitstbskyen]

re: Somerton

Not for nothing, but I think we should remember that James Somerton's fans and subscribers are normal people, just like you. They are people who received his output in good faith, and extended to him a normal amount of grace and benefit of the doubt, which he took advantage of.

I don't think it's helpful to respond to the exposé on Somerton with sentiments along the lines of "wow, how could anyone ever think THIS GUY'S videos were any good, ha ha ha, how did he ever get subscribers?" because 1) you have the substantial benefit of hindsight and a disengaged outsider perspective, and 2) it's a rhetoric that creates a divide between you (refined, savvy, smart, sophisticated) and Somerton's audience (gullible, unrefined, easily taken advantage of, terrible taste), which is a false divide, with a false sense of security.

Somerton's success happened because he stole good writing. He found interesting, insightful, in-depth work done by other people, applied the one skill he actually has which is marketing, and re-packaged it as his own. He targeted a market which is starving for the exact kind of writing he was stealing, and pushed his audience to disengage from sources that conflicted with him.

Hbomberguy makes this point in his exposé video: good queer writing is hard to find and incredibly easy to lose. The writers Somerton stole from were often poor or precarious, writing freelance work for small circles under shitty conditions, without the means or the reach or the privileges necessary to find bigger markets. And, as Hbomb demonstrated, when people did discover Somerton's plagiarism, he used his substantial audience to hound them away and dissuade anyone else from trying to hold him accountable.

He stole queer writing by marginalized people, about experiences and perspectives that people are desperate to hear more about, and even if his delivery and aesthetics were naff, his words resonated with people because the original writers who actually wrote them poured their goddamn hearts and souls into it.

Somerton also maintained a consistent narrative of persecution and marginalization about himself. He took the plain truth, which is that queer people and perspectives are discriminated against, and worked that into a story about himself as a lone, brave truth-teller, daring to voice an authentic queer perspective, constantly beset by bigots and adversaries who sought to tear him down. As @aranock, who works with some of the people he targeted, writes in this post, Somerton weaponized whatever casual bias and bigotry he could find in his audience to reinforce his me vs them narrative (usually misogyny and various forms of transphobia), which is what grifters do. They find a vulnerable thread in a community and pull on it. And while you may not have the particular vulnerability that he exploited, you do have vulnerabilities, and they can be exploited too.

People felt compelled to support him, even if his work was sometimes shoddy, because he presented himself as a vulnerable, marginalized person in need of help, he pulled on that vulnerable thread.

Again, he has a degree in marketing, and just like propaganda, nobody is immune to marketing.

YouTube as a system is set up to push for more, constantly more. More content, more videos, more output, more more more more, and part of Somerton and Illuminaughty's success was their ability to push out large amounts of content to the hungry algorithm, even if it was of inferior quality. The algorithm rewarded their volume of output with more eyeballs and attention, and therefore more opportunities to find people who were vulnerable to their grift.

It is a system which quite literally rewards the exact kind of plagiarism that they do, because watch-time and engagement are easily measurable metrics for a corporation, and academic rigor is not. There is pressure to deliver, and a lot of rewards to gain from cutting corners to do it.

Somerton and Illuminaughty and Internet Historian are extreme and very obvious cases, so blatant that you can make a four hour video essay exposing what they've done, but the vast majority of this kind of plagiarism isn't going to be obvious - sometimes it might not even be obvious to the people who are doing it. Casual plagiarism is endemic to the modern internet, and most people don't get educated on what the exact boundaries are between proper sourcing and quoting vs plagiarizing. We had an entire course module at my university aimed at teaching students the exact differences and definitions, and people still made good faith mistakes in their essays and papers that they had to learn to correct during their education.

All of this to say: it is extremely easy in hindsight to call Somerton's work shitty and shoddy, his aesthetics flat and uninspired, and to imagine that as a sophisticated person with good taste and critical faculties, you would never be taken in by this kind of grifter. It is extremely easy to distance yourself from the people he preyed on, and imagine that you will never have to worry about your fave doing your dirty like that.

But part of the point of Hbomberguy's video is that plagiarism is extremely easy to get away with, and often difficult for the average person to spot and call out, and with the rise of AI tools blurring the lines even further, it is not going to get any easier.

So I think we should resist the temptation to think of Somerton's audience as people with bad taste and poor faculties. We should resist the temptation to distance ourselves from the perfectly normal people he preyed on. Many times in your life, a modestly clever man with a marketing degree has fooled you too.

On a personal note, by the same token, I am resisting the temptation to assume that I am too good to be vulnerable to the systemic pressures that produced Somerton and Illuminaughty. No, I've never made a video by word-for-word reciting someone else's work, but I know for a fact that I could do a better job of double-checking my work and citing my sources. I feel the exact same pressure to get a video out as fast as possible, I have the exact same rewards dangled in front of me by YouTube as a platform, and I can't pretend it doesn't affect my work. To me, Hbomb's video felt like a wake-up call to do better.

[txttletale]

Your discussions on AI art have been really interesting and changed my mind on it quite a bit, so thank you for that! I don’t think I’m interested in using it, but I feel much less threatened by it in the same way. That being said, I was wondering, how you felt about AI generated creative writing: not, like AI writing in the context of garbage listicles or academic essays, but like, people who generate short stories and then submit them to contests. Do you think it’s the same sort of situation as AI art? Do you think there’s a difference in ChatGPT vs mid journey? Legitimate curiosity here! I don’t quite have an opinion on this in the same way, and I’ve seen v little from folks about creative writing in particular vs generated academic essays/articles

i think that ai generated writing is also indisputably writing but it is mostly really really fucking awful writing for the same reason that most ai art is not good art -- that the large training sets and low 'temperature' of commercially available/mass market models mean that anything produced will be the most generic version of itself. i also think that narrative writing is very very poorly suited to LLM generation because it generally requires very basic internal logic which LLMs are famously bad at (i imagine you'd have similar problems trying to create something visual like a comic that requires consistent character or location design rather than the singular images that AI art is mostly used for). i think it's going to be a very long time before we see anything good long-form from an LLM, especially because it's just not a priority for the people making them.

ultimately though i think you could absolutely do some really cool stuff with AI generated text if you had a tighter training set and let it get a bit wild with it. i've really enjoyed a lot of AI writing for being funny, especially when it was being done with tools like botnik that involve more human curation but still have the ability to completely blindside you with choices -- i unironically think the botnik collegehumour sketch is funnier than anything human-written on the channel. & i think that means it could reliably be used, with similar levels of curation, to make some stuff that feels alien, or unsettling, or etheral, or horrifying, because those are somewhat adjacent to the surreal humour i think it excels at. i could absolutely see it being used in workflows -- one of my friends told me recently, essentially, "if i'm stuck with writer's block, i ask chatgpt what should happen next, it gives me a horrible idea, and i immediately think 'that's shit, and i can do much better' and start writing again" -- which is both very funny but i think presents a great use case as a 'rubber duck'.

but yea i think that if there's anything good to be found in AI-written fiction or poetry it's not going to come from chatGPT specifically, it's going to come from some locally hosted GPT model trained on a curated set of influences -- and will have to either be kind of incoherent or heavily curated into coherence.

that said the submission of AI-written stories to short story mags & such fucking blows -- not because it's "not writing" but because it's just bad writing that's very very easy to produce (as in, 'just tell chatGPT 'write a short story'-easy) -- which ofc isn't bad in and of itself but means that the already existing phenomenon of people cynically submitting awful garbage to literary mags that doesn't even meet the submission guidelines has been magnified immensely and editors are finding it hard to keep up. i think part of believing that generative writing and art are legitimate mediums is also believing they are and should be treated as though they are separate mediums -- i don't think that there's no skill in these disciplines (like, if someone managed to make writing with chatGPT that wasnt unreadably bad, i would be very fucking impressed!) but they're deeply different skills to the traditional artforms and so imo should be in general judged, presented, published etc. separately.

[chase-prairie]

I'm guessing that as a graduate student you have read a zillion and one documents and books and papers and things in your field. Would it be outrageous to ask for recommendations/your favorites? I'm really interested in learning more about the history of Native land use and food systems in the midwest (which I suppose is a very long history, I'd be happy learning about any time period), prairie ecology, and the current outlook for native plants and pollinators (and conservation recommendations). Even one recc for each would be amazing. Feel free to postpone this ask if you're too busy! P.S. can't wait to read your dissertation.

This is a big ask, and I get a lot of these types of asks! In the future it'd be nice if people were more specific about their interests and not asking about general, huge topics. There's a level that you can and should be googling yourself! Many academic papers are online for free through sites like academia.edu and I'm not a search engine!

General answer if you're interested in this range of topics is Robin Wall Kimmerer's Braiding Sweetgrass. She comes from the midwest and writes some on prairie and the book is all about Indigenous science stewardship.

Otherwise, the topics you're asking for don't have one single source that will tell you everything you're looking for. People make small studies of one community, one ecosystem, one plant. Whether it's ecology or ethnobotany, there's no one making compendiums of info, especially not in the midwest. That's why I do the work I do, but even what I do is imperfect. Be suspicious of anyone who/any text that claims to be comprehensive on a huge, complex subjects; they probably are bsing you.

Indigenous Land Mgmt:

Two good recent papers:

The subject of indigenous wild management is more intensely covered in California (M. Kat Anderson) and Vancouver (Nancy J. Turner). Those two authors are great for both nuts and bolts chat and philosophical perspectives about how people have lived in and altered and restored their ecosystems.

A compelling academic book on the subject is Roots of Our Renewal: Ethnobotany and Cherokee Environmental Governance by Clint Carroll, which is just as much about philosophy, knowledge production and protection and community building, as plants.

Prairie Conservation Practices:

Like I said above, currently published stuff is about very specific interactions and focuses, like a particular pollinator group in a particular plant. What you're looking for, a generalist summary of the field, doesn't really exist.

If you're looking for plant lists and how-tos Tallgrass Restoration Handbook or the Tallgrass Prairie Center Guide. Do not go for Ben Voigt. If you're looking for a general conceptual entry to Midwest conservation/restoration, there's Ecological Restoration in the Midwest

If you're looking for general recommendations for free, Xerces.org is the resource for bee-friendly landscaping and planting.

If you live near a University or Arboretum or Botanic Garden, this is the kind of thing where you should just browse the shelves near the books I've recommended! Chances are you have free access to the libraries, if not the ability to check the books out yourself!

[acorpsecalledcorva]

I've tried to write about this a couple times now academically, then in a funny jokey way, but the problem is I'm trying to rationalise a personal topic to justify it and make it more general but honestly it keeps ending up being fakeclaimy, perhaps in a way that deflects from me so fuck it, here goes.

My trauma memories are wrong. And that's okay.

With all the talk about the false memory syndrome and the sociocognitive model I find myself in an interesting position where I wholeheartedly disagree with the False Memory Syndrome proponents attempts to discredit DID as a diagnosis whilst having false memories very much be a part of my diagnosis, with sociocognitive elements influencing both my false trauma memories and my presentation of DID (not it's cause, just how it manifested at times).

And the key issue is metacognition and world beliefs, a growing area of research in the trauma and dissociation field. It basically goes that humans are incredibly narrative in nature. Our memories aren't factual, they're stories we tell ourselves filled with meaning and metaphor and allegory. It's why we love stories so much, whether it's fiction or juicy gossip, interacting with others interpretation of events and finding meaning in them helps us to interpret and assign meaning to our own lives and create rich, nuanced world beliefs. When something happens that is incompatible with our world beliefs and we are unable to assign meaning to to integrate it onto our subjective narrative, that's trauma.

Emotional support can help us to develop our metacognitive abilities and integrate traumatic events but things like disorganised attachment environments really fuck up this ability from a very young age and the creation of alters in CDDs can be viewed as attempts by the brain to protect those very early world beliefs (I rely on my caregivers for survival), by creating new characters in the story who can hold simultaneous contradictory world beliefs.

The problem is when traumatic shit happens young enough, memory just doesn't record properly. The emotional feelings of helplessness and threat to life or exposure and violation might be preserved, but the "factual" record can be lost forever. And once you start chronically dissociating it fucks with your regular every day ability to record and store non traumatic memories, even if by this point a traumatic memory can be "factually" and emotionally preserved whilst also being buried.

So when I look back on my childhood, and I have all these emotional flashbacks from very early childhood and these core beliefs that point to a really shitty life as a baby that I don't have actually memory of, and entire oceans of no memory, and also traumas that happened to me later in life that I do remember even if I've only recently admitted to myself are traumatic, AND a brain that likes to make up alternative subjective narratives through alter formation, AND a desperation to make sense of my life during a very confusing period (system discovery), yeah...my brain made up traumas that didn't happen to me.

When I was reading The Body Keeps the Score because I was dealing with a bunch of somatoform symptoms the early chapters talk a LOT about the prevalence of CSA by family members, and it was honestly kinda invalidating, because as far as I was aware that didn't happen to me so why was I so fucked up? It led to me imagining scenarios of trauma that might have happened to me until something latched on to an unprocessed emotional flashback. It became entangled with that flashback and, in a way, integrated itself into my subjective narrative. It gave meaning to my story, a distressing story, but a story that made sense. The only problem with that is, it doesn't actually make sense. It just isn't compatible with the other versions of my narrative that are contained throughout the rest of the system. I haven't processed and integrated the real trauma, I've just attempted to create a narrative that could serve me in that moment, it was reassuring, it provided a security in the meaning it gave me, but it's only a temporary substitute for real integration of the stuff that's still buried or inaccessible to me.

Maybe I was a victim of CSA, it's definitely possible, but that memory I've "had" just.. Isn't it. And despite community sentiments to believe trauma I would be harming myself to cling onto those memories instead of confronting the true traumatic events through therapy when I'm actually ready to face them. I would be deflecting because believing something I know deep down isn't true is safer than acknowledging what really happened, even if the fake memory is worse than what really happened.

I understand why papers on fictitious DID are concerned with patients freely offering up their trauma when previously DID patients would take years to open up enough to share it. When you get those confession stories of people faking DID there are these repeated elements that come up time and time again. They made up trauma that they freely shared to appear more valid, and despite no longer faking they still sometimes hear their alters. And I think what's happening in these cases isn't actually necessarily that they're faking DID, although obviously you can misdiagnose yourself, but quite possibly community exposure is reinforcing a sociocognitive presentation of DID. One where trauma is this thing that you MUST know about, where alters have deep backstories and a rich biography. This outward protection may very well be a reflection of a deeper but hidden inner experience that seeks to deflect the outside world with a decoy narrative.

This sucks, because from a clinician's perspective whether they affirm it or scrutinise it, if the patient refuses to let go of the decoy to reveal what's underneath therapy work is largely fruitless. Sar and Ozturk seem to be the only practitioner's to have correctly highlighted this in Functional Dissociation of the Self. They recognise the uncanny ability of the Dissociative system to deflect and divert therapy work through substitute beliefs and multiple realities and highlight the value of cutting through all that to get to the hidden psychological self that's able to create the cohesive integrated narrative that allows the system to truly recover.

So I have to ask myself, is the "version" of DID I believe I have and present to others an accurate depiction of what's going on? Or is it a convenient substitution of self that I use to deflect from what's really going on? How is the community influencing this presentation and my need to cling onto it to fit in? And is my participation in the online system community harming me in the long run because it helps reinforce my substitute beliefs about myself to fit in with them without putting in the real work to really understand myself?

I'm mostly making this as a self call out post for accountability, because I think I need to step away. If I keep posting them I've failed because honestly I feel kinda lost without it and that's scary. Hopefully, this will be the last y'all hear from me in a while so I wish y'all well. Or I'll see you tomorrow

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Chapter 3

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

oh, that's good, he's (Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan) not dead p135

also not related to my read, but this time I am actually writing at my table (instead of cocooned in a blanket on my couch) so hopefully these note are easier to read (Read: I am trying to have neater handwriting for ✨aesthetic✨). All I need with my notes, book, and tea is a candle and i'd be living my ancient academic fantasy.

If anyone wants to know this chapter is accompanied by a white tea that tastes like loquats. It's my favourite nostalgic tea. My family used to travel south when I was small and my grandparent's house there had a loquat tree. I haven't had loquats in over a decade (canada lol) but this tea tastes jut like them.

Anyways! Back to SVSSS!

Give me patience: the amount of dislike I have anytime Ming Fan is present p135

oh dang, this boy can cook! p138

Re: this boy can cook- Bye LOL "Luo Binghe's excellent cooking skills were his foremost lady-killing technique." p138

boo, I am upset that the Abyss scenario still needs to happen (But I get it, of course it can't be that easy- we do need plot for this book) p139

I can't XD he really is falling into the plot/character of Protagonists Love Interest. First the congee cooking and no the "Poison cure" p142

WAIT. THE CURE FOR THE POSION. wut p143

RE: WAIT: I am crying LOL

But like could he 👀 "Like, he knew that the going at it with the protagonist could have cured the poison, but like he could do that! Could he? Ha ha ha ha..." p145

Not Liu Qingge over here thinking Shen Qingqiu is possessed (not really wrong though) p147

once again we have Ming Fan -> honestly I would not be surprised if he ended up the new villain/scum character role p148 there is nothing likeable about him

this line is killing me "Shen Qingqiu was astoundingly oblivious to the fact that, thanks to the divine wingman abilities of his useless teammate, Ming Fan, Luo BInghe's favor has again risen to a new high" p.150

Oh god, he's in Luo Binghe's dream world. I am so nervous for this. p. 152

Dang. Why so many deductions for failure -1000 is a LOT for him p154

okay but this dream subplot is feeding my theory that Shen Qingqiu is switching character roles from villain to Love Interest p155

Oh no :( not his childhood bullies p160

omg and now his mom's death p161

Shen Qingqiu has been taking a constant beating for 164 pages- how is he not dead p164

LOL Shen Qingqiu really said "i'm not paid enough for this emotional labour" p167

Also Shen Qingqiu "I finished my friendship performance; I can finally leave work now" p169 what a vibe

Even the Dream Demon Lord is over how much Luo Binghe talks about Shen Qingqiu (p172)

uuuugh the foreshadowing RE: if you don't learn the demon path and the seal breaks you are basically fucked p.173

You tell that demon, Luo Binghe! RE: "right now, you are discussing terms with me, and you are free to say anything...but if you harm Shizun, any agreement is void!" p177

LOL "Aura of Badassery" p177

Shen Qingqiu after a very bad no good series of days "pls I dont want to see you omg leave me alone I am v tired" p179 this guy can't catch a break

The dichotomy of Shen Yuan acting in this though. Outward: I definitely can handle this. Inward: I'm so fucking scared, I do not got this. Is so real p180

Shen Qingqiu "I want this kid to remain optimistic and feel positive with his heritage (so he does not turn evil and mass murder me and everyone else)"Luo Binghe "I am going to be the strongest of strong possible so that I can protect Shen Qingqiu" p182

Oh gods, not him asking him to move in with him (to basically have a servant but like Luo Binghe has just had his entire life changed) p185

okay so age check- suddenly he's 15??? I thought this kid was 14 like 3 days ago?? p186

Points to Shen Yuan though for noting that how Luo Binghe was being treated was child abuse. p188

YAY! He's going to train with Meng Mo (also it made me laugh at how pissed Meng Mo is about not having the teacher title) p190

That's all for this chapter!

next one aiming for tomorrow :D

[haru-dipthong]

Parallels Between Gender and Language

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on gender recently, including Judith Butler’s Gender Trouble and Avgi Saketopoulou and Ann Pellegrini’s Gender Without Identity, and I’ve found several interesting parallels between gender and language.

Gender and language arise independently within every human culture, which indicates that the blueprints for these two social constructs are built into our brain structure.

Gender and language are both enacted by mimicking established conventions and occasionally making an original subversion, which can sometimes propagate memetically and fundamentally change that language’s linguistic structures, or that culture’s gender structures.

Gender and language are both acquired (or at least, an acquisition model of gender has been proposed by Saketopoulou and Pellegrini, and I find it very compelling). It’s this third point I’d like to explore a bit more in depth.

I’ve written at length about Krashen’s theory of language acquisition, but one important aspect of it I’d like to draw attention to is the Monitor Hypothesis, which states that conscious learning plays only a limited role in the ability to produce and understand language.

Learning has only one function, and that is as a Monitor, or editor. Learning comes into play only to make changes in the form of our utterance, after is has been “produced” by the acquired system.

Krashen (1982, p. 15-16)

The acquired system, then, is a system that does not understand how the language works, but knows how to produce and interpret it without understanding. You might think this sounds very similar to large language models such as ChatGPT, and I do, in fact, think that we all essentially have an organic LLM in our brain, powering our language acquisition (such a metaphor elegantly explains Krashen’s Input Hypothesis as well - you need to train the model on large data sets!)

Imagine (you may not have to imagine very hard) that you have acquired a language, but there are certain quirks of the language that you (or rather, your Monitor) are taught are incorrect. To use an English example, you may be taught in classrooms that “its” is the possessive, with no apostrophe, and “it’s” can only mean “it is”. Every time your acquired system writes “its” or “it’s”, you then have to rely on your conscious monitor system to correct it if it is incorrect. This is an extremely mild example, but consider also children in rural or oppressed communities, such as Black communities. These children acquire one dialect (such as rural Australian English or AAVE), and yet learn in classrooms that it is incorrect, not proper. Enforcing linguistic purity is an inherently oppressive act that aims to subjugate. Not only that, it is futile. In order to produce the normative, “proper” version of one’s language, one needs to subconsciously acquire it (which would mean being exposed to a great deal of input — possibly requiring distancing from their community — not just being consciously taught how it works), lest they be cursed to consciously monitoring their language production whenever it is required (such as in their professional life). And that is no way to live. A far better world would be one where there is never a requirement to produce a normative version of language, one where language is not used as a tool of oppression.

I would argue that this is similar to gender conversion practices. Models of gender are acquired subconsciously, which we then form attachments to, subconsciously (these attachments may be normative or non-normative, strong or weak, but everyone must contextualise themselves within their models of gender). When psychologists and other academics discuss finding a “cause” for these non-normative attachments to gender (i.e. transness), they often do so with the goal of preventing or reversing this cause. I won’t speak on prevention for now (though I do believe it to be impossible and unethical), but I would like to draw a parallel between attempts at “reversing” transness, and attempts at enforcing linguistic purity.

Attempts at trans conversion such as gender exploratory therapy (GET) are attempts at changing the subject’s conscious conceptualisation of their gender. I would also consider self-repression an attempt at changing one's conscious conceptualisation of gender as well, speaking from experience. I remember consciously suppressing non-normative gendered desires and expressions prior to coming out. These attempts are futile, because they will never alter the acquired system lying underneath. If such attempts “work”, they only work in the sense that the subject is consciously monitoring and correcting their intuitive gender productions. And that is no way to live. A far better world would be one where there is never a requirement to produce a normative version of gender, one where gender is not used as a tool of oppression.

[letters-from-dekarios]

{written on pub stationary, stained with aclohol. The hand writing is messy, obviously written in a less than sober state. The paper is creased and crumpled, as though it’s original destination was to be the trash bin. Multiple words are misspelled or crudely scribbled out.}

~

Dear Dekarriose Dekarios,

I guess youre actual title now is the Wizard of Waterdeep, it may be inappropriate to still simply call you ‘Dekarios’ or ‘Gale’. I still will, change all you want, detest me all you want for it, I cannot change that image I still have of you from our youths.

A cocky bastard smug young man who probably had a good reason for being smug. A learned young wizard who, despite his inherent talents, buried his nose in a million books a second to learn more. I hated you for it back then. I think I hate you for it now.

I don’t know. I’ve never understood it. I never figured out how you could be more with so much inherent magical talent, but not enough to make you a sorcerer. I never understood how you could be more in control of your magic than a sorcerer. I never understood how we could be the same age, and yet when I first started my academic career at Blackstaff you were already finishing yours. I admired you for it, I hated you for it.

I thought you hated me too.

Not hate, that’s not right. I thought you abdhorred disliked me. I thought in some way, it was okay, we were rivals. We had our fun, I cursed you a few times (if you never knew that was me doing it. Sorry.), you explained every spell you knew in such detail I assumed you were being condescending on purpose. I casted spells with ease without trying but I could never learn a new spell. You learned a million new spells but took great effort in casting them. I hated you for your succeeding where I failed. I thought you felt the same.

I question that recently. I have people who hate me now. It’s not the same. If you did hate me, I guess I liked the way you hated me, it was more fun than how I’m hated now. But did you hate me? Were you being condescending, or did you just like to talk about things you found interesting? Do you even remember a word I’m writing down? Do you remember me? I can’t bame blame you if you don’t. It’s been so many years, even I only remember once I’ve reached the bottom of a bottle, but I remember a lot.

I’m reaching the end of the page. I feel I’ve written a lot about nothing, so I guess it’s time I cut to the chase. I do miss our rivalry, our misadventures, our friendship, whatever you’d call it. I miss Gale Dekarios, the smug little bastard that once tried to tutor me. I miss you.

I wish you the best,

Irisa

-~•~-

{set before the events of the game, written by my tiefling Tav, Irisa, a wild magic sorceress who briefly did not know she was a sorceress, thus she briefly tried to learn Wizardry at Blackstaff. It did not go well. In her time there she had a rivalrous relationship with Gale, because the two of them were young and immature, and eventually she was expelled from the academy. Years down the line her life is not great, she’s drunk a lot, misses petty arguments with our favorite wizard, reflects on their time together, and wrote this letter and sent it out when drunk and probably forgot all about it come morning.}

Dearest Irisa,

Your letter, though quite barely decipherable, comes as a bit of a shock for me. I did not expect to receive word from you after so many years, and though I can tell you’re not doing exactly the greatest at the time of writing, I hope you’re well otherwise.

It may shock you to know that, despite how many years it’s been, I do remember you. For all it’s worth, I remember the rivalry between us. Who puts a Wizard and a Sorcerer in the same fold? I’ll never understand how that came to be, but it was an enjoyable few years with you there.

I do get that a lot, the admiration and the hatred all mixed in one. It may do well to understand that I am, or, rather, was one of Mystra’s chosen. Though my abilities as a child were to be challenged, it was all because of her. It’s not every day you have an eight-year-old human practicing magic, and Mystra knew that of me. She’s the only reason why I had such control and understanding, though it helped being quite studious.

Despite it all, I can say I never did hate you. You pushed me to countless new limits, helped me see my oddities and how to work through them, and showed me the intensity of magic on a grander scale than reading books ever could. You brought out the best in me, regardless of our differences.

While I didn’t hate you, I can confidently say I did envy your ease in casting spells. If only I could whisk a spell together that easily! Concentration gets the best of me nowadays, perhaps I should have practiced more of that while at the Academy.

I do sincerely apologize for any condescension you may have felt. I tend to do that at times apparently! It was a genuine interest on my part to have someone who shared a similar understanding with me, and I wanted to tell you of all the worlds we could both accomplish. My mother has quipped it as “Galesplaining”, whatever she intends that to mean.

I remember you completely. All the glory, the joy, the hurt, the failure. It’s ingrained in my mind and I doubt I can ever sand it away. I wouldn’t want to, either. You made my time at the Academy more enjoyable than it had been for years. You changed me, in some of the best ways imaginable.

I can’t deny finding myself at the bottom of a bottle stirring over the past, much like yourself, wondering what I could have changed or done differently. Maybe we could’ve stayed friends, that’s a nice alternate reality to think of.

I miss you, too, Irisa, even if you were the cause of all my misdemeanors and failures when my day started on the wrong foot. I have to know, were you the one who caused my portal home to get so out of shape?

When you’re sober, I implore you to visit my tower in Waterdeep. I’d like to catch up with you, it’s been far too long since we’ve spoken.

From the desk of,

𝑮𝒂𝒍𝒆 𝑫𝒆𝒌𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒔

And, for reference, I sort of liked the way you hated me, too.

text reads: gale dekarios

[anarcho-physicist]

My favorite weird phase of matter (and also some intro-y stuff that you can skip if you want to look at the pretty pictures)

[Fig. 1 (a) from Mur, M., Kos, Ž., Ravnik, M. et al. Continuous generation of topological defects in a passively driven nematic liquid crystal. Nat Commun 13, 6855 (2022).]

Hi again! In my previous posts, I described what the term soft matter means to a physicist, and how physicists really understand phases of matter mostly in terms of symmetries. In the future, I'm similarly planning to write more long form, in-depth explanations of specific concepts/topics in soft matter physics.

I'd really like to be able to dive into the math behind everything, but I also want to keep things as understandable and enjoyable as possible to those with little to no math background. So I'll try my best to explain every bit of every equation I show, and I think forcing myself to do so will help me understand them better.

I might also post some things other than long-form essays. One idea I've been thinking of doing is to post a daily/weekly/whateverly arXiv update, where I pick one or a few soft matter physics preprints that have been uploaded recently, and write short, informal summaries of their findings. I think that might be a good way to keep myself and anyone who's interested informed on the state of the field. I also intend to do shorter posts on specific papers or results I think are really cool. My research and academic responsibilities keep me very busy, so I'll likely make shorter posts when I don't have the time or energy to write longer, deeper explanations.

Another idea I've been toying around with is potentially using this account as something like a radically open research notebook/journal, where I immediately write up and publicly post each little research milestone I've made for the day/week/whatever. My paycheck comes mostly from government grants, the research I do is publicly funded. I think the public ought to be aware of exactly what they're funding, and particularly, I think the members of the public who are interested in what we do should be able to engage with researchers, to learn about the current state of the field. I also think this ability to engage with current research should be accessible to all members of the public, not just those wealthy enough to be able to spend a lot of time around universities. On the other hand, there are some ethical and logistical considerations when it comes to sharing unpublished research, and I'd at the very least need to get approval from all of my collaborators, so if I end up doing something like this, it wouldn't be for a while.

Anyways, for now, I'd just like to show you some really cool experimental realizations of a gorgeously weird phase of matter that is very dear to my heart (and my CV):

Active Nematic Liquid Crystals

[Video taken by the Dogic Lab]

These two-dimensional, spontaneously flowing "line fluids" host topological defects (the little comet-shaped and triangle-shaped dark spots). These are quasiparticles with fascinating dynamics, and some really beautiful mathematics behind their structure. To quote my PI who was quoting some other physicist I can't remember:

Materials are like people; it's the defects that make them interesting.

The term liquid crystal refers to a general class of materials with symmetries and properties in-between those of a crystal and those of a simple liquid. Nematics are a particular type of liquid crystal, one with full translational symmetry, but S^1 / Z_2 -broken rotational symmetry. Active nematics are nematics that also break time-reversal symmetry, and thus energy conservation (I'll explain how this is possible in an energy-conserving universe sometime soon; the short answer is "coarse-graining").

Here's what happens if you put an active nematic on a sphere:

[Dogic Lab again -- they're great they do a lot of really cool stuff]

Fun fact: These defects attract and repel each other just like charged particles (via Gauss's law), except they aren't electrically charged, they're topologically charged. Rather than electromagnetic fields, the medium of interaction here is the elastic free energy associated with curves in the line field. The comet-shaped defects have a +1/2 topological charge, while the triangular ones have a -1/2 charge. If you bring two defects close enough together, they'll effectively "add" their charges up. This means oppositely-charged defects can annihilate each other into the uniform/vacuum state, and that a sufficiently perturbed vacuum can pair-produce oppositely charged defects. That eye-catching picture at the top of this post is a cross-polarized image of that pair-production process in an externally-driven passive nematic. The two arrows point to two individual defects.

In an active nematic, things get even more interesting; the +1/2 defects become effectively self-propelled, while the -1/2 defects do not. At least, not if the activity is spatiotemporally constant (this is a hint to a really cool upcoming paper I'll hopefully be publishing before the end of this summer). This results in all sorts of weird nonequilibrium behavior, like the chaotic state displayed in the first animation, or the oscillatory swirling of the four +1/2 defects on the vesicle depicted in the second.

Why do we only see four +1/2 defects, and no -1/2s on the sphere? For two reasons: 1) The sphere is fairly small relative to the active length scale, which is roughly the average separation distance between defects. This is governed by the balance of active and elastic stresses. And 2) The hairy ball theorem necessitates a net topological charge on the sphere of +2 = 4 x +1/2.

All of the nematics I've shown you so far have been synthetic, but nematics (and even active nematics) show up in nature too. One really good example: look at your hands. I mean, really look at them. Do you see any familiar little triangle shapes? Maybe some little whorly comets? Fingerprints are a frozen nematic texture! But the defects in your fingerprints aren't very interesting, because they don't move (I hope). What else is there?

This brings us to my favorite experimental discovery ever made. Hydra are microscopic freshwater creatures that regrow their limbs. It turns out, the hydra's supracellular actin fibres, which play a major role in this morphogenesis, order like an active nematic. They have topological defects, which appear to correlate with sites of new organ growth. You can see them in the hydra itself:

[Fig. 1 (a-f) from Maroudas-Sacks, Y., Garion, L., Shani-Zerbib, L. et al. Topological defects in the nematic order of actin fibres as organization centres of Hydra morphogenesis. Nat. Phys. 17, 251–259 (2021).]

It's literally algebraic topology come to life.

[burningvelvet]

More thoughts about The Tenant of Wildfell Hall after finishing it…

1 good movie adaptation WHEN?

2 the themes of universalism and the idea that everyone can change if they want it bad enough and nothing is permanent and we have the ability to make choices and self-destruction has social repercussions bc it affects the ppl around you… yeah, my heart is full!

3 helen successfully microdosing her own child with poison to give him a pavlovian response to alcohol so he wouldn’t end up as an alcoholic like his father and grandfather because she intuitively knew he had a genetic predisposition to addiction despite having no modern knowledge of science or psychology. excellent.

4 the shit helen goes through in this novel is unreal. our girl is basically trapped in a frat-house — complete with the booze, drugs, laughter, fraternizing, sportsmanship, anti-intellectualism, infidelity, and rape culture.

5 as a sad aficionado of the romantic era & byronic studies i can 100% without a doubt say that not only is arthur based on some popular victorian conceptions of lord and lady byron and their marriage, but the brontës must have been familiar with biographical writing on byron’s life! i’ve found several academic texts to support this and it’s 100% true.

6 also, as a person who grew up with relatives who suffered from severe substance abuse and mental illness, i’m pretty confident in saying that the brontë sisters must have had some inside knowledge to spark their sustained interest in writing about these subjects. there are specific details and feelings pertaining to these topics which are documented with so much acuity it must have been personal to them. it seems a lot of academics theorize this as well — however, i still don’t know enough about the brontë family biography to form my own opinions on this topic yet!

7 helen is such a progressive mother (considering her circumstances and level of education, and the non-harmful drugging aside which is questionable today but within the narrative understandable) and her theories on education and parenthood are so advanced.

8 i think arthur’s friends (especially mr. hargrave and annabella) are as bad as he is, considering the fact that they enable him and they could easily use their influence to try and sway him considering but they choose not to — only partly because he’s the “leader of the pack,” but partly because they also have zero respect for helen and enjoy openly bullying and abusing her in her own household

9 big shoutout to the servants in this novel who are the real heroes. all throughout the novel (especially starting from Gilbert’s POV considering he and his family are a little poorer off than those of the Huntingdon circle) we see the lower-classes and smaller owners gradually triumphing against the upper-classes, gentry, and larger land owners. i love the line about rachel having to sell helen’s fine gowns for cheaper ones, and how helen notices that rachel still looks decent while dressed like a more common woman.

10 the very ending with everyone’s resolutions was a bit choppy and rushed but i don’t mind because everything went how i wanted it to go lol. but the ending for arthur/helen — the fact that he never repented, but helen still believes in universal salvation nonetheless, and still took care of him even though she didn’t have to, after everyone else abandoned him — the person he treated the worst still cared for him when no one else did — she fulfilled all her marital vows and he fulfilled none of his — his fear of death — her letter of december 5th, her holding his hand until the very end — his last words, “pray for me!” don’t leave me!” — all the unspoken words on her part, her feelings of helplessness, her telling him that she cannot save him, his crying and cursing the world — her fainting from exhaustion — him continuing to act like a brat on his death bed — her taking control, her cleverness with the contract — her lack of closure — aahhhh! just so heart wrenching and frustrating and angsty yet also cathartic and realistic.

[jupiterpp]

CHAPTER EIGHT: SUSPICION| 𝐅𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞'𝐬 𝐄𝐝𝐠𝐞. -𝐭𝐨𝐦 𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

important note; This is the first time I'm posting my stories on Tumblr. My mother tongue is not English so expect grammatical errors ahead.

word count: 1.6k words

MASTERLIST | CHAPTERS

"Did you receive the gift?" I asked as I caught up to Riddle with a grin on my face.

"Yes, I did," he replied calmly, his tone betraying nothing.

I couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement. "And what did you think of it?" I pressed eagerly, unable to contain my curiosity.

Riddle looked at me, his gaze sharp and calculating. "It was... interesting enough for me to actually keep your stupid gift," he said cryptically, a small smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.

I raised an eyebrow, intrigued by his vague answer. "Just interesting?" I teased, nudging him playfully. "Come on, you've got to give me more than that. I paid a lot for that, you know? It was custom-made!"

"I didn't ask for it," he replied curtly, his voice completely devoid of warmth. "And I certainly didn't need it."

"But you didn't throw it away?"

"No."

"How thoughtful of you."

"I will sew your mouth if you keep talking like a rat who got squashed." He rolled his eyes causing me to let out a small chuckle as we both entered the potion classroom.

"Alright, alright," I conceded, raising my hands in mock surrender. "No need to get your wand in a twist."

Despite the passage of time and the new surroundings of Hogwarts, he remained unchanged from the boy I remembered from the orphanage. Cold and detached, with a noticeable lack of empathy in his demeanor. It surprised me to see that he had formed friendships during his time at Hogwarts, his companions seemingly devoted to him in a way that hinted at his leadership within their small group.

"Valentine's is nearing," Elara said, clinging her arms around mine like she always does when she's excited. "Any plans?"

I shrugged, trying to sound casual. "Not really. Just the usual—homework, maybe a trip to Hogsmeade if I'm in the mood. What about you?"  Valentine's isn't really my thing. No one in my life has ever asked me out, so I don't really care maybe because I'm too focused on my studies and training practices for my abilities.

Elara's eyes sparkled with excitement. "Oh, I've got a date with someone special," she teased, nudging me playfully.

I raised an eyebrow, curious. "Really? Who's the lucky one?"

She giggled, her cheeks flushing a bit. "You'll see. But what about you? No secret admirers or mysterious notes tucked into your books?"

I laughed, shaking my head. "Nope, nothing like that. I doubt anyone around here is interested in sending me love notes."

We walked down the corridor, the chatter of other students buzzing around us. Our conversation shifted to lighter stuff—classes, the latest Quidditch match, and the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend—but my thoughts kept drifting back to Riddle. 

It almost makes me laugh to imagine him writing a love letter to someone and asking them out. But of course, knowing him in real life, he's never interested in having a relationship with anyone. He's laser-focused on his goals, and academics, and Merlin knows what else.

I have a free period the next hour so I decided to watch the Quidditch practice. After walking Elara to her next class, I headed to the corridors. Adjusting my scarf against the chill, I spotted Mister Tibbers sitting in the courtyard, rolling around. I chuckled, watching the cat's playful antics.

I was about to approach my cat only to freeze to see a familiar guy approaching my cat. He looks mad. He was about to take out his wand but I intervened.

"Woah, Woah, what do you think you're doing, Riddle?" I exclaimed as I approached him with a panicked look.

His eyes flicked up to meet mine, and for a moment, the anger in them shifted to surprise. "Your little vermin scratched me," he snapped, his hand still hovering near his wand. "And bit your book into pieces!"

"My book? What book are you talking about?" I picked up my cat in my arms as I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Advanced Charms and Their Practical Applications," He said, glaring at my cat. Sensing my silence, he glanced at me only to meet my confused gaze. "The one that you let me borrow two months ago."

The expensive book.

My eyes widened in horror as I slowly looked down at my cat, who purred contentedly and nuzzled closer to my chest.

"Oh right, I remember," I muttered in disbelief, my fingers absently stroking the soft fur of my feline companion. With a heavy sigh, I met his gaze. He was still clutching his wand, his eyes never leaving Mister Tibbers. 

"Well? Give me your filthy cat—"

"No." I interrupted firmly, taking a step back as he took a step forward. He glared at me, his frustration evident. "It's not Mister Tibbers fault that you can't keep track of your belongings," I added, trying to reason with him while still protecting my beloved pet.

His expression darkened at my defiance. His grip on his wand tightened, and I could sense the simmering anger beneath his composed exterior.

"You dare defy me?" he hissed, his voice low and dangerous.

I swallowed hard, but stood my ground, refusing to cower under his intimidating presence. "I'm not defying you, Riddle," I countered, keeping my tone steady despite the adrenaline coursing through my veins. "I'm just not going to let you take my cat because of that."

His eyes flashed with irritation, but I could see a flicker of something else—curiosity, perhaps? "You're infuriating," he muttered, more to himself than to me.

"And you're overreacting," I shot back, the words leaving my mouth before I could stop them. He continued to glare daggers at me and I couldn't help but notice the look in his eyes. I couldn't quite point it but it was familiar to me. I swallowed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have places to be. Also, make sure that you find something of equal value in exchange for that book."

"And why would I? It's your cat's fault. Not mine."

"Perhaps, but you were the one who borrowed it. Responsibility goes both ways, Riddle."

His eyes narrowed, and for a moment, I thought he might actually curse me right then and there. Instead, he simply sneered. "You think you're in any place to lecture me on being responsible?"

I met his gaze, refusing to back down. "Yes, I do. You can't just go around blaming others for your mistakes."

'✦ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹ೃ⁀➷-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-˚. ೃ⁀➷'✦ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹

"You silly cat," I sighed, relieved to be away from the tension of the confrontation. I gently placed Mister Tibbers down on my bed, watching as he curled up contentedly. "Tom's going to come after you, you know?"

Mister Tibbers blinked lazily, as if completely unconcerned by the potential danger he had just narrowly avoided. I couldn't help but chuckle at his nonchalant attitude, even in the face of someone as formidable as Riddle.

I glanced at the moving photograph of my parents placed beside my bed. Their smiling faces brought me comfort in moments like these, reminding me of the love and support that surrounded me. I let out a sigh before giving Mister Tibbers a pat on the head before exiting my room.

As I made my way through the familiar corridors of Hogwarts, my mind wandered to thoughts of wandless magic. It had been too long since I had last practiced, too long since I had felt the exhilarating rush of power coursing through my veins.

I could still recall the times when I cast the spell Opugno and the birds attacked Slughorn. The mischievous grin on my face as chaos unfolded around me, the exhilaration of wielding magic without the need for a wand—it was a feeling unlike any other.

a sudden shift of air snapped me out of my reverie. Instinctively, I glanced around. My eyes landed on a sudden door appearing beside me as I watched in awe at the sight. With wide eyes, I scanned the hallway, half-expecting to see other students or teachers witnessing the extraordinary thing that was happening right in front of my eyes.

But to my surprise, the corridor was empty, save for the flickering torches casting dancing shadows along the stone walls.

I let out a chuckle and placed my hand on the handle, pushing it open. I was immediately greeted by a dark light. I reached out and grasped the handle of the door, pushing it open with a sense of eager anticipation. As the door swung inward, I was greeted by an eerie glow emanating from within—a stark contrast to the dimly lit corridor behind me.

Without hesitation, I stepped over the threshold and into the darkness, the door closing softly behind me. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion, my hand reaching out for my wand as I cast Lumos. I was expecting someone to be in here but to my surprise, I was alone.

my eyes landed on an empty torch hanging beside the wall. With a flick of my wand and a muttered incantation, I summoned forth a flickering flame, watching as it danced to live upon the torch and the rest also lit up getting me a better view of the place.

A sense of awe washed over me as I realized where I stood—the Room of Requirement, also known as the Come and Go room. Of course! How come I never thought about this place before? There were a bunch of empty bookshelves, and cobwebs surrounding every corner. I shivered when I sensed something shifting behind me. The door slowly disappeared.

Taking a deep breath, I allowed myself to relax. Stepping further into the room, I brushed away some of the cobwebs and ran my fingers along the spines of the dusty books that remained.

This is a perfect place.

a/n; thoughts so far? pls I wanna read your thoughts. As of now, I'm currently writing chapter 27. Yes. I am that advanced. wink wink. I have planned this book for quite some time now :>

[thana-topsy]

WIP Wednesday!

Thank you to @mareenavee for the tag! I tag @expended-sleeper @viss-and-pinegar @anxious--ace @kookaburra1701 and @moriche

WELL this is a WIP that may never see the light of day, honestly. It takes place during [vague hand gesture] but sometime after Halfway to the Sky ends. Honestly, I just kind of wanted to write Aiden and Harukar talking and getting to know each other outside of everything that had happened on their journey. So, I've cut out the bits that spoil how HttS ends, but have a Giant Nerd and a Vampire basically going on a date:

Word count: 1267

---

"But indulge me, if you will: what would you be doing had Sarel never come to you?”

Aiden raised an eyebrow. “You say that as if you don’t know the truth of his arrival.” 

“It’s neither here nor there. He’s in your life regardless. So, tell me about yourself. What are your interests? What drives you, outside of parenthood?”

“Is this a date, now?” 

Harukar gave another small shrug, and Aiden felt heat rise in his cheeks. Implications of their non-date aside, it was a good question. Aiden was slightly terrified at the fact that he didn’t have an answer readily available. 

“I’ve always wanted to prove myself as a scholar. I’m no great mage, but I know the theory behind most schools of magic backwards and forwards. It makes me a good enough teacher, but teaching isn’t really my passion.”

“So, what is?”

Aiden thought for a long moment, letting the question roll through his mind. “Research, I suppose. History. I feel most at home surrounded by books and manuscripts. Piecing together clues from the past, finding parallels between different theories, drawing new conclusions. It’s thrilling to prove an old theorem wrong.” He groaned. “That sounds so pathetic, I know.”

“Not at all. The life of an academic is attractive to many people.”

“I just wanted to do something that had never been done before—ask questions other scholars were too afraid to ask. I just wanted to find the thing that would change the history books, something attributed to me. People would hear the name ‘Aiden’ and their first thought would be of me, and not the damn Direnni Prince!” 

“How many siblings did you have?” Harukar asked. 

The question caught Aiden off guard. “Er, four. I was the…” And then it dawned on him. “Middle child.” He sighed and covered his eyes with his hands. “I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”

“You speak terribly of yourself so often. It frustrates me. And, if I’m honest, it makes me rather angry with whoever it was that put these thoughts into your head.”

“Would it be better if I spoke too highly of myself? Thought myself Auri-El’s gift to Mundus?”

“There’s a third option, you know.”

Aiden smiled and took a sip of wine. “What about you? What would you be doing now had you never become a vampire?”

“Well, I’d most likely be dead, considering I’m about two hundred years past my expiration.”

 Aiden snorted into his cup. “Fair point.” He chuckled and wiped droplets of wine from his cheek. 

Harukar appeared to think for a moment. “I probably would have died a warrior with the Ash’abah. We aren’t known for our long lifespans. So, in many ways, my affliction afforded me the ability to do much more than I might have otherwise been able to. And, despite everything, I feel that I’ve been able to do a lot of good. So I’m thankful, in the end.”

“Do you ever get tired of trying to constantly see the good in life?”

Harukar smiled. “No. Nor do I tire of trying to see the good in people.”

Aiden flushed with unwanted heat once more. “So, you said that you’ve had children, adopted or otherwise. I assume they’re all grown up?” 

“Or dead, now, yes.” 

“Dead?” 

It was Harukar who averted his eyes now. “The unfortunate aspect of having a long life. I pity elves who take human partners.”

“Ah, yes. I worried about that with Collette. Briefly, that is. Our relationship—” Aiden bit his tongue. The wine was loosening his lips already. “Well, that is to say, if you could call what we had a relationship, it didn’t last very long. So it’s less of a worry, now.”

“Collette?” Harukar tilted his head curiously. 

“She was basically a mother to Sarel. We’d… attempted a relationship before I began my research into the Falmer, but of course it ended in disaster. As all my relationships do.”

“And how many have you had?” 

What a shameful question with an equally shameful answer. “Three, I suppose. If you count a teenage fling that lasted less than a month. And then the second one was with a fellow student when I was at the College of Sapiarchs. They all end the same way: her being the first to call it off. I just—I never seem to know what they want from me!”

“Pardon?”  

“Women. They confuse and elude me,” Aiden confessed, taking another long sip of wine. “I think I’m better off alone.”

Harukar wore a strange look, seeming to take a long moment to study Aiden. “Forgive me, this may be too forward, but… I had assumed you preferred men.”

Aiden snapped to sit up straight, letting out a too-loud laugh. “What? Why?” 

Harukar gave another one of his infuriating little shrugs. “Just a feeling, I suppose.”

“Well, I’m not. I don’t.” He hesitated. “At least, I don’t think I am… or do. I’ve never—”

Don’t lie to his face, Aiden. 

Ah, of course, it had been too long since his little Daedroth had interjected. 

We both know the fantasies that occupy your mind, alone, with only your hand to keep you company.

Aiden cleared his throat. “Even if a man showed interest in me, I’m not sure I’d even know what to do.” This conversation was getting out of hand. 

“I find it’s very much the same, regardless of sex or gender. The mechanics vary slightly, is all.”

“You mean, you’ve—” Aiden tried not to gape. “You’re—?”

“I’ve had many partners in my life so far. Men and women, and a few that fell somewhere in-between. I don’t really have a preference. It all depends on the person.”

“Oh… So, then—er—what do you find attractive in a partner?” 

Harukar hummed thoughtfully, looking off and to the right. “I like those with a quick wit. I rarely hold back my own sarcasm, so someone who doesn’t feel put off by that kind of humor. I also tend to be drawn towards more…bookish types. I think, being raised a warrior, I seek my opposite in a lot of ways.” 

“You can’t be serious.” 

“I very much am.” There was a playful glint in Harukar’s glowing eyes. “I’m also attracted to passionate people. Those who have a spark for life, one might say.”

“Is that—” Aiden did manage to catch himself that time and clamped his mouth shut. 

“Is that what?”

“Sorry, no. That… I feel like that would have come out wrong. It would have been rude.” 

Aiden might as well live with his foot in his mouth, he could hear his sister saying. Anything he thinks, he says. (It had been many, many years since she’d made that observation, and Aiden had thought that he’d improved since then.)

“Now I’m curious.” 

“I was going to ask if the attraction to… that ‘spark for life’, as you said, was because you were…” Aiden gestured vaguely in his direction. 

“Ahh, because I’m undead.”

Aiden smiled, though it was more of a grimace. 

To his relief, Harukar laughed. “You should have just said it. It would have been funny. It’s one of the things I like about you.” 

“That I have the chronic ability to fit my entire foot in my mouth?”

“Mmm, I understand it’s a quality that’s probably unbecoming of an Altmer.” Harukar leaned on the table, propping his chin in his hand. “But I find it charming… most of the time, at least.”

He finds you charming. He’s attracted to men, he likes bookish types, and he finds you charming.

Most of the time…

Aiden cleared his throat before refilling his tankard with another heavy pour of wine. 

--- These fucking guys...

[sixth-light]

Small babies do not lead to binging so I won't be up to speed on WoT until closer to ep 4 dropping (especially with 1hr + episodes), but I HAVE managed to watch ep 1, so (ep1 AND book-spoilery) thoughts:

Overriding thought: fuck I just love the writing/adaptation on this show, it's so smart! They are using all the many moving pieces of the book series in such an economical way! Bayle Domon is probably the best example of this from this episode; they set him up to run into the Seanchan, established the Sea Folk, gave Moiraine a quest plot point, and did it using his canonical interests, in a scene which absolutely did not happen in the books. Love it. Also, love his accent, absolutely perfect, no notes.

The way the episode was structured/had a theme was also really good - it picked up on where everybody was and connected them to each other even while the point of the episode was how far apart they have all drifted. The Bel Tine ceremony is both a great callback to the opening episode of last season, a way to visually link them, AND a reminder that it's been a YEAR since last season began now. (It amuses me that Nynaeve and Egwene are going to have had significantly more time in the Tower in the show than the books - but is probably necessary since they are unlikely to leave, return, and leave again as they do in TGH/TDR.)

We didn't get MUCH of new!Mat but he's selling me on it so far (the chiselling at the wall!) and oh boy, they're working overtime to give him a solid reason to be extremely wary of Aes Sedai, aren't they. I'm sure that will have no repercussions down the line whatsoever.

I love how they've remixed Adeleas and Vandene with Verin and let Moiraine and Lan's flying visit turn into a longer retreat to recover. This is also very funny to me because on the re-read podcast I listen to (Wheel Takes) the new reader is CONVINCED that Vandene is secretly Black Ajah. Well...now she's gonna be right!

Small but cool note: when Lan takes Moiraine that plate of food, I liked that it was very clearly from South Asian foodways and not Fantasy Stew. They're taking the cultural depth of the world well beyond casting - obviously in costuming too, but costuming is fairly easy, food is a step up.

I think the one criticism I have of the worldbuilding is that the Tower still feels a TAD underpopulated (I would have liked to see Egwene and Nynaeve in a slightly larger novice class, and some indication of the academic learning that's part of their training) but this has improved a lot on the COVID-restricted depictions from the first season, so it's a minor criticism (and may very well be addressed in later episodes).

I liked Loial last season but the actor has really settled into the role this season: looking forward to more of him.

Also really looking forward to more of Elyas, and intrigued by how they're choosing to depict Perrin's new smelling senses as a visual recreation of what happened - I think this makes sense for a visual medium, not sure it will be totally obvious that it's meant to be interpretive not literal, but then for a new audience does it need to be? It's a magic ability/superpower, that's the important thing to get across.

That extra 10-15 minutes of run time helped the episode breathe so much. It's going to add up to nearly an extra episode and a half if it keeps going across the season; that's not bad, and needed I think.

ugh I love this show so muuuuuuuuuch

[sanjidysphoria]

my dad is depressed and so am i. reading was a huge part of our lives and we both lost the ability to do it due to depression. this is the text i sent him today.

"Dear Dad.

I was in therapy today. I talked a lot with Mom about it and I mentioned to her that I can finally read. This is something I wanted to tell you also. For my next academic reading class we have to read Machiavelli. And write a page about it. I get your fear. I was terrified. It's an old book, complicated as well. And I can't even read today's books. I lose track after a single line. It doesn't stick like it used to. I remember back when you used to ask me about the plot of a certain book I read and I just couldn't wrap it up I had so many things to say. These days I only read poems because they are easier.

But imagine this. I finally read Life for Sale. By Mishima Yukio. It was a lot of time, once I even started it over, but I think I got it. I think I could finally tell you the plot again. I came home today. I sat in the café I worked at before therapy. And I read The Prince. Well... 9 chapters. And after a very long time I finally understood what I was reading. For the first time. Even though... phew. It's not easy. In English speaking countries they call it a "slump". Emotional Hole. That's what we're in. People in the Emotional Hole read poems because they can't understand Machiavelli. BUT there's a ladder. I sincerely hope you find it too. And I will tell you about Machiavelli if you want to. It was very interesting.

I love you. "

[themuse-if]

20 (or so) questions with Maxine Matthews

Let's get better acquainted with your future bestie! Maybe we can find out if you and Max really are just friends.

Interviewer: Max, the lively Aries with a penchant for dramatic writing. Before we dive in, when's your birthday?

Maxine: Oh, it's April 1st. I know, April Fools' Day, right? But trust me, I'm no joke.

Interviewer: A fiery Aries indeed. Any nicknames you go by?

Maxine: Most just call me Max, but a few close friends have some cheeky variations. Can't escape the creativity.

Interviewer: Tell us about some of your good traits.

Maxine: I'm a great listener, fiercely loyal, and I bring a good dose of humor to any situation. Oh, and my writing skills aren't too shabby either.

Interviewer: Impressive qualities. And what about some traits that might be considered not so good?

Maxine: Well, I can be a bit stubborn when it comes to my opinions. Some might call it passionate, I say it's just knowing what I want.

Interviewer: Fair enough. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?

Maxine: Outside of my love for dramatic writing, I enjoy exploring different music genres, attending live performances, and occasionally trying my hand at cooking. Above all of that my favorite is going to see movies outdoors! Movies in the park, on a rooftop, or an old drive-in I'm a sucker for a good outdoor movie series.

Interviewer: Diverse interests. What would you say is your greatest strength?

Maxine: Definitely my ability to analyze and interpret stories. It comes in handy with my major, but it's also really great just in day to day life. It's really easy for me to asses social situations and I'm a pretty good judge of character.

Interviewer: Sounds like a valuable skill. Now, what about your biggest weakness?

Maxine: I'm not the most patient person. Waiting for things to unfold or dealing with slow-paced situations gets under my skin.

Interviewer: Patience is a virtue they say. How would you describe yourself in one word?

Maxine: Vibrant.

Interviewer: And how do you think others see you in one word?

Maxine: Unpredictable.

Interviewer: An intriguing perception. Moving on, what would you say is your greatest fear?

Maxine: Losing my voice, metaphorically speaking. I fear not being able to express myself, especially through my writing.

Interviewer: A deep-seated fear for a writer. Considering your current priorities, what tops the list?

Maxine: Right now, it's balancing my academic pursuits with making lasting memories. You're only young once, and I'm lucky enough to have these experiences at the height of my youth with my best friend. I've got big things planned for me and MC.

Interviewer: Indeed you should definitely cherish this time. Ok so, tell me about your family.

Maxine: It's a small, tight-knit group. Mom, dad, and my younger brother. We're a bunch of lively individuals with strong opinions and lots of love.

Interviewer: Sounds wonderful. Looking into the future, what are your goals?

Maxine: Professionally, I aim to be a successful writer, maybe even see my work on the big screen or the stage. Personally, just to keep growing and experiencing life.

Interviewer: Ambitious goals. On a lighter note, how would you spend a rainy day?

Maxine: Curled up with a good book, a warm blanket, and a cup of hot chocolate. Rainy days are perfect for a bit of cozy indulgence.

Interviewer: Classic choice. Any favorite book that you hold dear?

Maxine: It's tough to pick just one, but if I had to, I'd go with "Ghost Music" by An Yu. Well it's my favorite for right now. Trippy as this story is , Yu really grounds the reader in this spectral story in the mind of a young woman just longing to start over.

Interviewer: Sounds interesting I'll definitely give it a read. And your favorite movie?

Maxine: "Romeo + Juliet." I'm not usually one for stories that are told over and over again just in a different font. This one is just different, its so well done! And while Leo and Claire were great we all know that Harold Perrineau was the real star.

Interviewer: A great choice. Now, any dark secrets you're willing to share?

Maxine: No, well it's not a dark secret. I have this uh friend and they have recently realized that they might have deeper feelings for their best friend. It's not me I promise. *bites lip and gets shifty eyed* Any advice?

Interviewer: Well maybe this "friend" of yours should be open about how they're feeling. *uses air " " with a knowing look*

Maxine: Maybe, maybe I should...I meant they. Maybe they should, thanks for the advice I'll pass it on. *looks down and plays with braids*

Interviewer: Ok Max let's move on. What's your best physical feature?

Maxine: I really like my eyes, the shape more specifically.

Interviewer: Yes, the shape of your eyes is quite lovely. Alright and your worst feature?

Maxine: I wish that I had thicker eyebrows, but hey that's what makeup is for. *shrug*

Interviewer: Ok, now our last question, how would you describe being in love?

Maxine: I think that being in love is being with the person who brings out the best version of you, and vice versa. Not that you only show them your good side, but that they know you so well that you can work through the bad times together.

Interviewer: I see, well said. Thanks for sharing more about your life with me Maxine. I'm excited to see your journey continue to unfold! You'll have to let me know what happens with your friend. 🤭

[anim-ttrpgs]

Eureka: A lot of bang for your buck!

As mentioned in an earlier post, the rulebook for Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy is on the longer side of the indie-TTRPG spectrum, coming in at about 230 pages at the time of writing this.

The rulebook dedicates about the first 90 pages to what we would probably call the “core gameplay”: That is, looking for clues, gathering evidence, drawing conclusions, talking to people, making plans, etc. as well as what each Skill and Trait does and how to create a normal player character.

The next 75 or so pages are dedicated entirely to combat.

Characters are fairly fragile in Eureka compared to most TTRPG PCs—they might even be more fragile than Call of Cthulhu PCs—and this serves to realistically and organically discourage a shoot-first-question-later style of play. However, we knew that making the PCs this easy to kill meant that we had to give the combat systems within the game a lot of depth to match, to give the PCs and their players a good degree of agency in the fight, or else they’d just be going along until wham the party is dead after one bad roll and it’s game over before they know it.

The combat rules in Eureka are deep but not overly complex. It’s less about determining the exact right turn to utilize a special ability that synergizes with the rest of the party’s special abilities, and more about positioning, planning around the environment, and striking first. This still uses the same 2D6 system as everything else—except for when automatic firearms come into play, then it’s D12s for a little extra randomness and because it’s easier to roll 10 D12s than 10 pairs of D6s—so you won’t need to really learn a whole new set of rules just to have a fight. Just keep track of the effective range of each category of firearm and how many bullets your character has left!

I’m actually personally very proud of Eureka’s firearm combat rules. They manage to create a very realistic simulation of a real shootout, organically encouraging realistic tactics and strategy without devolving into a slow grind where every character’s turn takes five minutes of math and re-checking the rulebook to resolve. After that, there’s a brief set of instructions on how to convert an adventure module not originally made for it to work well with the Eureka system. This chapter is only a few pages long because it really is that simple!  

And then the last section in the book is dedicated to making and handling PCs that are a bit...less normal. This is about 60 pages, and covers the bulk of Eureka’s actual supernatural lore, and instructions on how to use that lore to create supernatural player characters that fit into that lore.

We’ve gone into this more in-depth in another earlier post, but let me give a simple rundown anyway: There is no “masquerade” in the world of Eureka, no grand conspiracy by either the mundane government nor a secret supernatural government to cover up the existence of vampires and werewolves and fairies and the like, in fact there is no secret supernatural government. Supernatural creatures are simply so rare as to mainly just fly right under the radar of most modern science, with actual sightings being considered the stuff of tabloid trash and unscientific sensationalism by most academic minds. So obscure are these instances of the supernatural that a vampire might not even believe in werewolves, or a werewolf in vampires. They may have even never met another one of their kind in-person. As for why these individuals don’t just get on camera and tell the world that they exist... well, the ones they have the less dangerous magical powers could usually be shown-up by a mundane stage magician in Vegas. Yeah right you can start fires with your mind, I bet you just have a remote ignition switch in your pocket!

And then the ones that have more impressive magical powers, like literally transforming completely into a bat, well, those guys tend to also eat people, so it’s really in their best interest to keep that to themselves, in case anyone comes asking questions about what happened to the neighbors and all those delivery guys....

Perhaps one of the most interesting mechanics here is how supernatural characters like these must not only keep their secrets from the world at large, but the rest of the party too! These PCs’ supernatural status is a secret from everyone except their player and the game master, and they must find ways to dodge their supernatural weaknesses, exert their powers, and take a few bites out of a victim all without alerting anyone else in the party or at the table to their true nature.

Follow @anim-ttrpgs​ for updates and look for Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy on Kickstarter later this year!