#we had a few scares before June 2022 about this too

[iapetusneume]

(For context, for anyone reading this who doesn't know me: my elderly father almost died in June 2022 of non-COVID reasons, and has had a lot of hospital stays since.)

In January 2023, I had to take my father to the ER, because we had a concern that he might be internally bleeding. We get to the ER, and it is packed. We arrive around 9 PM. Dad sits in a wheelchair, and the ER has gotten a ton of folding chairs since the existing seating was spoken for. There are patients in the hallway next to the ER where the vending machines are, both in wheelchairs and some on beds.. One woman has an IV of saline, right next to the vending machine.. We hear from other patients that every hospital in the area is like this.

A nurse takes his vitals and draws some blood to test his hemoglobin levels. And we wait.

They check on him frequently in the waiting room to make sure he's stable. Some patients are so fed up by waiting that they leave. We don't have the luxury of that, with my dad's medical history.

It took 16 hours for him to get a room in the ER. It took 36 more hours before he got a room in the main hospital.

Because of hospital policy, only one guest could be allowed with the patient while in the ER. I didn't want to sleep because I had to keep an eye on my dad. Not only did i need to listen for nurses calling his name, but also so he might not accidentally fall out of the chair. I ended up swapping out with my mom at the 12 hour mark so I could go get some sleep, since by that point I had been up all night.

In February 2023, we had to take him to the ER again. This time, the wait to get an ER room wasn't anything out of the ordinary - about 3 hours. But it took 72 hours for him to get a room in the main hospital.

(He also got COVID while at this stay, and my mom caught it from him. Up until now, they had managed to avoid it.)

Shit's bad, y'all. I've had a chance to see it with my own eyes, and it is absolutely terrifying.

When I had COVID it was pretty bad. But I'm lucky it wasn't worse. Because emergency rooms are literally at capacity and turning people away.

I don't understand what yall aren't getting to out in public without a mask, to willingly be with people that have COVID, to still utilize the open food and food sharing format at gatherings (I'm looking at you, Thanksgiving planners), to demand schools be in person.

But people are dying because emergency rooms don't have enough space to care for people coming in because COVID IS STILL BAD.

"Well. So-and-so got it and they literally had no symptoms. Only the sniffles." Yeah. My dad got it and had no symptoms. But I got it and had a 102 fever that I couldn't keep down (I can't imagine how bad it would've been if I hadn't started taking something for the fever when it hit 102). And my mom ended up in the emergency room on IV fluids and low O2 levels (we're both fine now).

There's different strains of COVID. Some of them aren't bad. Some of them are very serious. Don't let the anecdotal evidence of one person guide your decisions.

"But, fae. I'm vaccinated. I'll be fine." I'm vaccinated too with Pfizer and one booster. My mom had Moderna and 2 boosters. They'll limit how bad you get it, but that doesn't mean it can't still be very serious, even with the vaccine. There's strains out there that have mutated to be resistant to the vaccines.

-fae

[jmdbjk]

The year that was 2024:

But first...

Standing at the threshold of 2025 I look back far past 2024 to that day in June 2022 and the grief, disbelief... the shock and trauma those of us experienced while watching the Festa Dinner video. That dinner had been pre-recorded a few weeks prior and they released it on June 14. The members had to be scared of what our reactions would be when we watched it. 

At that time we still had no idea how military enlistment would unfold, that news was still months away for us after the October concert in Busan. All we knew was BTS was going to pause but we did not really know what that meant. And it wasn't just the fans who went into a tailspin, Hybe stock took a dip, the secretary of Ministry of Culture Sports and Tourism begged BTS to come back. The news of a BTS hiatus began to hit international news media across the globe. The emotional devastation was real.

That day and following days, it seemed like 2025 was forever in the future. What would we be like in 2025? What would the members of BTS be like? What would the music industry landscape be like? What would the world be like? It was two and a half years away from that day. Back in June 2022, 2025 seemed like a lifetime away in the future, a bleak, dark unknown.

We attempted to pull ourselves together and look for the positives... "we'll save so much money!” and "we'll have time to learn Korean!" HAH! The real winner: “I can catch up on content!” LMAO!

Here we are now, two and a half years later. My god the shit that's transpired since. A lot of it was not on anyone's radar.

2024, the year of fighting...

Throughout the year and as the year wore on, we fought boycotters, haters, mantis and solos. We fought the media, each other, other fandoms... it was a constant battle to clear the mess. Our main weapon? Our love for BTS and the members and our commitment and determination.

We should be better at recognizing bad actors, at recognizing organized hate. I hope you all are blocking it, muting it because it is an energy drain to dwell on it and it exists. Some people are compelled to lash back at it. I'm not one of those. I prefer blocking/muting. Do what is right for you.

So here's a recap of 2024...the first quarter of the year started out calmly.

January: We were basking in the BTS documentary series Beyond the Star and waiting for a sign of our men completing their basic training. We were hoping to find out where they would be stationed for the rest of their military service.

February was relatively quiet. Except for this.

Tae's song "Fri(end)s", released mid-March.

Hope on the Street Vol. 1 released end of March with the six episode docu-series running through April.

We were hitting our stride, understanding that they'd prepared so much for us while they were away. Even k-media reported on the unusual amount of content produced by BTS to span their enlistment time. It was reassuring and we were spoiled. Looking back, it was the quiet before the storm...

This "quiet before the storm" has never quieted before the storm like this quiet before the storm quieted the first quarter of 2024.

In April we witnessed a real eclipse in the sky and then while we were having the best time unraveling the mystery of the Monochrome merch popups, the shit hit the fan with the Min Hee Jin revelations. And that circus was just beginning. Maybe I'm just naive or too much of a positive person but I never fathomed that there were people out there this demented, this twisted, this delusional, controlling and narcissistic that they thought they could single-handedly bring down a huge company like Hybe via public opinion. And as time went on and continues to go on we learned she was not alone. That woman is sick and evil.

I recalled back in 2021 seeing people be paranoid about the young company, Hybe, hiring ex-SM employees. I wanted to believe these former SM employees they hired saw the opportunity to escape a toxic workplace and therefore defected to Hybe. Now we know the paranoia was justified.

The end of April and into May I watched Begins ≠ Youth, the drama series based on the BTS Universe. It took years for that series to finally see the light of day. It was very intriguing. There was a lot of controversy about Xclusive, the platform it was delivered on. My theory is it was an experiment to see how fans would react to a blockchain/NFT product. I have a huge post in my drafts about it but we moved on from it quickly, so I did too. The series was great though.

The rest of May was a month where we were trying to remain calm, trying to remain positive. We as a fandom felt very beat up. Anticipation was through the roof for Jin's military discharge and Festa.

But first, Namjoon released Right Place, Wrong Person, the studio album and subsequently, the accompanying documentary, Right People, Wrong Place. Both the album and documentary are critically acclaimed, winning awards and landing on "best of" lists across the globe.

Finally, it's June. Jin's discharge was so emotional for everyone. We were able to see everyone except Yoongi greet him outside the gates. But it was amazing seeing all 7 together in still photos afterward. It was a collective sigh of relief that we truly are beginning the downhill side of their military enlistment. Jin has been working his ass off since that day, his album Happy and its title song Running Wild doing well.

I know we've got our opinions about the South Korean government but that day, for me, seeing Jimin and Jungkook in their uniforms, as soldiers, just hit a spot in me that I can't describe. I felt proud of them. And I hope after their discharge they can tuck away that sense of accomplishment in a safe space and flip the bird at the bureaucrats running their country.

Jimin dropped his second album, Muse, in July, the mystery solved of what all those other producers were doing with Jimin the second half of 2022. The title song Who continues to chart. His songs are wonderful. I'm so proud of how far he's come during this solo era. I miss him.

And then Are You Sure?! happened. Even though we KNEW it was coming, I can't believe we got that show. I can't believe they did all of that. Naked Jimin except for a small pair of black shorts... naked Jungkook. Just so much naked after years of Victorian era artist protection CG over every square inch of bare skin. Watching that show, so much of what I knew in my mind of how they are together was mostly confirmed.

I said this months ago: After Jungkook’s 2023 Weverse lives, the Are You Sure?! series, their companion military enlistment and his documentary I Am Still the theatrical release and the Disney+ docu-series, it is clear that Jimin is Jungkook’s touchstone, a significant presence through at least this part of his life. We can’t know what the future holds, I would never dare to assume what their own personal desires or goals are for themselves, but I do know that Jimin will play a big part in it and I hope we still get to see some of that play out when it happens.

I'm still processing. I digressed. It happens when it comes to me, Jimin and Jungkook. Moving on.

August... my god. My dear Yoongi. We are still waiting to see him again, to see with our own eyes that he is actually ok and to figuratively take his hand in ours, to reassure each other and keep moving forward to leave this year far behind. I know he knows we are here. I can't stand the wall though, of not being able to see him. Does that make sense? I mostly keep my thoughts to myself about him because it really hurts my heart to think about him having to suffer through all that. August and into September were hard, hard… so hard.

Fast forward to October when Hobi stepped out of those doors on the day of his discharge, it seemed like time had flown by as if we just watched him leaving for training camp, even though it was sooooooo long ago.

And now he's lived in LA for almost a month, been in Japan and seen with more people... A possible fashion collab? Songs/album in February? We don't know anything for sure yet but info has leaked. A tour in spring? I'll be there if I can snag tickets.

We've seen glimpses of Tae and his buff self. His collab with Bing Crosby was ground breaking and hopefully will become a holiday classic just like the original. Also, happy birthday, Tae!

[Photo shared by Taehyung on his Instagram stories.]

December began shockingly with South Korea's President Yoon attempting to impose martial law. My heart dropped. Our guys were on red alert, scrambling. It lasted a few hours before being overturned by their national assembly.

Mid-December, while on a vacation leave, Jungkook surprised us with a 2 and a half hour live just like he used to do. He looked so good. He sounded good. From what I saw, he's still the same Jungkook.

Do you realize, if martial law had remained in effect, we would not have seen Jungkook? There would be no celebrating. We would all be in limbo. Who knows what that crazy shithead (now impeached-president Yoon) would have done if martial law was still in place. The slow reveal of information about the planning of it is chilling and should be a reminder to us all to not take things for granted. Their National Assembly are still trying to get everything under control, the turmoil is not over yet.

Somehow, the Universe is working overtime to get BTS through their service and I hope it continues to do so because we still have just under six months left. At this point, I believe anything could happen.

Counting down the hours to 2025

We are about to enter the holy Borayear of our Lord Min Yoongi 2025. Bestie and I talked a lot about what the possibilities might be for 2025.

Of course, like everyone else, we know nothing for sure, only what we've gleaned from the member's themselves, official announcements, news releases and hints here and there. What we DO know for sure is there will not be a void. We have two Tannies back with us. Music will be released, content produced:

January 4 is Jin's OST.

Not directly BTS related but we as a fandom would like some closure and satisfaction surrounding the MHJ drama because trials will begin in January.

Hobi has something coming. Certainly Hobi will have another EP, perhaps HOTS Vol. 2? which would be supported with a tour. There's been a leak of info. We are on high alert.

For the others, perhaps a few one-off singles before June. Between us, we don't think Tae has another album's worth of music. Jungkook either.

A Yoongi collab perhaps?

Namjoon, probably nothing. Poor baby is so ready to be discharged.

The Jimin x Benny Blanco music, whatever that may be.

Maybe that rumored JK x Tae subunit song. Or maybe it's not a song?

Jin mentioned another album but the timing is tight to squeeze it in before June.

Then the HYYH 10th Anniversary in April, whatever that may entail. A retrospective perhaps?

Attempting to predict how their discharge days will play out is difficult. Jin and Hobi splitting up to meet Namjoon and Tae at their respective bases? And then all four of them head to Jimin and Jungkook the next day to greet them as they exit their base? We wait with anticipation.

After the Boraholy month of June 2025, we expect group activities to ramp up. What those will be is anyone's guess. Weverse lives for sure. Also, dance practice videos. We expect new music. We also expect performances. Perhaps a one-off "we're baaAAAaack!" type concert? Or not. But performances of some sort. They've been looking forward so much to performing I can't see them waiting any longer than they have to for at least one performance somewhere, somehow.

And toward the end of 2025, a comeback album and the world tour announcement. May the odds be ever in your favor. Just kidding. I'm getting those tickets.

Our speculation continues... could new music consist of more subunits?

I could be wrong but I do not think they will revisit a Bon Voyage or In The Soop format. They might pick up Run BTS but it won’t be like it was before. I can’t even see them doing what Jin’s doing in many Run Jin episodes. Not as a group.

I think (I hope) that Yoongi picks up Suchwita again. I hope he does not change one iota of the format. He can address his incident again if he chooses, reiterate he apologized, paid his fine and now we’re moving on to live our big life. That’s it. I hope if this happens his first guest is BTS as a group. 

Maybe that last thing is really wishful thinking on my part but even considering Yoongi might ditch Suchwita or change it just doesn’t align with who he is. He is a “fuck you” type of guy. 

Anyway. 2025 has a promise of hope and happiness and relief and closure. But now, I think we all know to be wary, that anything can happen. 

Bottomline to all of this, to wrap up the year and look forward to the new year is that BTS is COMING BACK. SEVEN MEMBERS STRONG.

The reality is, it will be three years from that day back in 2022, when we finally see them as a group again. The members are slowly becoming more active. We have less than six months to wait and we know how fast that can go. 163 days left for Jimin and Jungkook, 162 for Namjoon and Tae, 173 left for Yoongi.

We must enjoy every moment we can until June 2025 and hope for the best! FIGHTING.

[featherfangart]

Really love your art ❤️ the wings you draw looks amazing 👏 how does one draw them? 👀 do you use any references?

Oh my god, this ask is making the circle full fr. ;; Thank you SO MUCH, Anon!! I've had an enormous wing kink most of my life, but scared of drawing and avoiding them for uh.......... most of my life lol. So reading this means A LOT. TLDR - yes, use refs of all sorts of birds! use gradients! don't overdoit with brushstrokes! wings are paperthin!

In 2021 I said fck it and-- asked my partner, @lesoldatmort, who's a wing-master to teach me how to wings. And the answer was simple - use refs. I did! And it looked better than before. But. Uh.

Most of my wings looked like-- pillow sheets? Or. Pillows. Blankets. Puffy and thick. (Rafe from December, 2020)

So the biggest trouble for me personally (and for my partner, who was trying to knock it in my thick skull), was to get the wings as thin as possible. And use refs. And draw a lot of wings.

The biggest and best advice I got from my man, was to think of wings as of paper. Flat and thin. And use gradients for the sections instead of too many brushstrokes for each feather. Actually, save on the brushstrokes where you can.

January 2022 this was the best I could do. And that's after a LOT of interference from my partner, who kept nagging me to get rid of brushstrokes and add. more. gradients.

In June I decided I'm cracking the case. Gave up on trying to paint too much, because I prefer lineart 95% of the time anyway and drew the Howl piece. Still too many brushstrokes, but I used vulture photos as a reference for this one. Adoration is from this time as well. Used a pinned down bald eagle as a ref for Zack's wing.

In summer, I did some more random studies, kept looking at wings very closely. Looked at other artists drawing them. In September I was lucky enough to get cmed to draw safer Sephiroth. And that was probably the final moment I gave up on too many details and brushes and started stylizing the hell out of it. And using gradients. And lasso tool. As my partner's been telling me for almost two years at that point. Thin. Finally.

And then I just kept going. Simplifying the hell out of them............

And here we are. I have a problem. It's called a wink kink. And I'm loving it. <3

A few months ago, due to a gender crisis, lol, I even started using the name "Alas" along with Alassa. Which supposedly means "wing" in latin.

So... Thank you for coming to my ted talk and personal vent and rant. Sorry this got so long! However, seeing somebody asking me specifically about wings in my art... feels like reaching a finish line after years of whining. Thank you so much! ;; <3

[toasttt11]

like the sound of that

June 18, 2022

Grace and Willa have been at the their vacation home for about a week and their parents left in the morning having some work they needed to get to but they would be back in a few weeks.

Grace could see Willa was feeling a bit better but she still seemed sad, Grace knew Willa was still sleeping and she quietly snuck into her room and grabbed her phone before walking out.

Grace saw hundreds of notifications but ignored all of them and scrolled through the contact list to Ryan, she clicked the call button and held the phone to ear.

“Wills.” Ryan breathed out running a hand through his hair as Willa finally answered one of them.

“Sorry Ryan, it’s Grace.” Grace frowned apologizing.

“Hi Grace.” Ryan mumbled not as happy as he was when he thought it was Willa.

“Are you free?” Grace questioned as she walked down the hallway some more to make sure she didn’t wake up her sister.

“I can be.” Ryan offered fiddling with his bracelets that Willa had gotten him.

“Good, How about Gabe?” Grace asked, she walked into her room shutting the door behind her and grabbing her phone

“Yeah.” Ryan knew Gabe was free and was mopping at home.

“Good, i’ll put your number on my phone and make a text and you can add Gabe, I’ll send you two the address for our vacation house.” Grace spoke as she put Ryan’s number on her phone and texted him.

“What Why? Willa doesn’t want to see us.” Ryan shook his head.

“Willa is scared to hurt either of you because she cares for both of you, figure it out with Gabe. You know she doesn’t have to choose just one.” Grace coyly suggested hearing a sharp intake from Ryan, “I’ll see you today.” Grace smiled and hung up, she walked out of the room and into Willa’s putting her phone back down.

Ryan let out a deep breath but decided to call Gabe and explain everything to him.

Willa had no idea what Grace had planned, she was out on the dock reading her book in the sun and tanning in her bathing suit.

Grace knew they Ryan and Gabe both were getting around the same time as Gabe took a flight and Ryan drove, so Ryan was picking Gabe up from the airport.

Grace heard a knock on the front door as she was in the kitchen and she smiled walking to the door and opening it seeing Gabe and Ryan and how both of them looked similar to how Willa looked with her dark eye bags and sad body language.

“Hello boys,” Grace smiled gently at the two, “She’s outside i’m gonna head out go to the store so you fix it, and if you hurt one hair on my precious little sisters head i’ll gut you with your hockey sticks got it.” Grace glared at the two protectively before smiling again.

Ryan and Gabe shared a look nodding, they knew who Willa got her intimidating nature from.

“Good, don’t screw it up.” Grace patted both of their shoulders and walked out of the front door.

Ryan and Gabe looked at each other once more before walking through the house and to the backyard seeing her icy blonde hair on the dock, they walked over to her and both of them gulped looking away from her small bikini.

Ryan leaned over her blocking the sun from her, “Yes Gracie?” Willa asked not looking up from her book, Willa frowned confused when she didn’t answer and looked up inhaling sharply when she saw it wasn’t Grace standing there.

Willa quickly sat up and turned around to the two, “What are you- What are you guys riding here?” Willa swallowed nervously looking between the two.

Gabe bit his lip nervously but too a deep breath, “We are sorry Willa, we were so caught up with idea of one of being with you we didn’t realize how much we were hurting and confusing you. Truthfully we both like you, a lot. And it isn’t fair for us to make you choose, so how about you don’t choose at all.” Gabe nervously offered, he had thought about a poly relationship but didn’t think they would like the idea.

Willa eyes widen, “Don’t choose?” Willa questioned slowly.

“Be with both of us.” Ryan smirked slightly but was still nervous as well.

“Are you just with me or with each other as well?” Willa questioned again as she still sat on the dock looking up at the two. She has also seen the look and touches between the two so it also confused her more.

Ryan shrugged nonchalantly and put his hand on Gabe’s cheek pulling him to him, Ryan pressed his lips to Gabe’s desperately as Gabe’s hands came to rest on Ryan’s back.

Willa smiled softly at the sight and felt like this was a good choice.

The two pulled away looking at each other before they turned to Willa who was still watching, Ryan held out his hand towards her. Willa grabbed Ryan’s hand standing up.

Gabe had one of his arms wrapped around Willa’s waist and one around Ryan’s back.

Willa brought her hand up to Gabe’s face gently tracing his sweet face and leaned up pressing her lips to his softly.

Ryan watched the two with a smile as he rested one hand against Gabe and one hand on Willa’s back.

Willa pulled away with a smile and turned to Ryan who was watching them with a smirk now, Willa smirked fondly shaking her head out pressed her lips to Ryan running her hands through his hair as their lips met desperately.

Gabe leaned his head against the back of Willa’s shoulder enjoying the naturally heat coming from her.

Willa pulled away from the kiss looking beteeen her two boys, “So i have two boyfriends now?” Willa smiled.

“I like the sound of that.” Ryan softly smirked at the two. Gabe made an agreeing sound as he moved his chin to resting on her shoulder.

[madebysamael]

It's breakdown time again.

My mental health hasn't been great for a while. Tbh, it started tanking after I worked as a vendor selling my handmade jewelry at pride shows in June.

Which went great!! I had best-selling shows and people were really excited about my art. It was awesome.

And then I had to go back to work.

I work full-time, at a desk job in a corporate office. The company is in an industry often used to represent soulless antagonists in movies. My job itself is a specialized position that requires a lot of mental labor. Finding time and energy to create is a challenge, even in the times where things are balanced.

And lately it's been really tough, because the work that needs doing is what I, a person who suspects myself to be on the autism spectrum somewhere, find hellish: I have to navigate bureaucracy and act as a diplomat. I have to coordinate projects between different people and act as a liaison. Most of my job isn't doing anymore, it's figuring out who I need to reach out to, and when, and how do I phrase this so I don't offend anyone? It's inefficient, circular, and often requires me to dance with office politics.

I'm. So. Exhausted.

So, after dragging myself away from the laptop where I've been sending emails and updating spreadsheets all week, I was so excited, because last weekend, I got to escape to my favorite fantasy world: Good Omens. To a life in color, to an eternity ever after.

You all know what happens.

It opened the floodgates. I started losing focus at work, couldn't remember where we were at on projects, who I was waiting on, who I needed to contact - hell, I couldn't even remember to bring my lunch.

I was thinking about GO, but not about the story itself. Instead, it was about how, best-case scenario, it will be 2+ years before they get their happy ending. About how leaving them in limbo for so long fucking hurts.

About how 2-3 years is a long time. Long enough for Neil, David or Michael to have an accident, an illness. About how it would never be the same if they had to recast, or if someone else wrote. Imagine GO without Michael's microexpressions, without David's face reading like an open book even with glasses on. Without Neil's love for the world he shared with Terry pouring out into every single frame of it.

2-3 years is a long time. Long enough for me to get in a car accident, to develop cancer. I already had a cancer scare in 2022; luckily, I was fine. One of my best friends got lymphoma around my age. She, luckily, is also fine now.

But one of my other best friends, who had a heart attack, just a few years older than me... He's in a wooden box in his wife's living room.

And his 10-year wedding anniversary was on July 27, 2023. The day GOS2 was released.

So here I am. A week later, trying to keep it together and failing, thinking it's just a fucking TV show, it shouldn't matter so much...

But it's never just one thing. Every pain carries the weight of all the pain that came before it. I'm carrying the weight of Karl's death, of Steph's cancer, of the family members I've lost that would take too long to list here, several before even David's age.

And I'm struggling to even draw now. Or make jewelry, or sew. The creative pursuits, the things that are supposed to make the rote office job worth it, the things it supports... I feel no joy for them. Even simple things like screenshot studies are excruciating, taking far too long. My problem-solving skills are completely drained at work, and that makes drawing so much harder.

I see so many others creating beautiful things from the pain and getting well-deserved recognition for it. But the ideas aren't coming for me, and even if they were, where would I find the energy?

I don't know how to dig myself out of this spiral. It's so very tiring, and so very, very lonely.

[beardedmrbean]

A Michigan teen who doused her sleeping father with a chemical drain cleaner because he was too drunk to drive her to a hair appointment grinned before the cameras when she was sprung from prison after just 506 days.

Megan Imirowicz, 19, faced a possible life sentence when she was found guilty in June of tossing lye powder on her dad, Konrad Imirowicz, 64, while he was sleeping, the Oakland Press reported.

The attack caused extensive chemical burns that required his feet and part of his leg to be amputated, as well as infections and kidney failure.

He was unable to recover from the severe injuries and died after five months in the hospital, on March 6, 2022.

Imirowicz denied throwing lye at her dad and claimed she had thrown some bread at him to wake him up.

Prosecutors said she attacked him because he was drunk and was unable to take her to a hair salon before her 18th birthday party, according to the outlet. Imirowicz was sentenced Tuesday to one year in jail, with credit for time served — meaning she walked free after the hearing. The teen was also given five years probation for the crime.

The young woman, smiling at the cameras, admitted she was shocked when she heard the slap-on-the-wrist sentence from Oakland County Judge Victoria Valentine, Court TV reported.

“I was praying for a miracle today and that’s what I got,” Imirowicz said.

“I’m really happy I get to go home with my family. I’m scared to feel anything about my dad right now. I miss him a lot. I’m not ready.”

After being greeted by her sister Morgan and brother Ian, who had pleaded for leniency, Imirowicz headed to a local McDonald’s, where she ordered Chicken McNuggets and French fries, according to the outlet.

Earlier, Imirowicz made a tearful plea in front of the judge as she read from a statement.

“Nineteen years ago, I was placed into the arms of the first man to ever love me, the man I’m lucky enough to call my dad. Growing up he became so much more, he was a storyteller, a tooth fairy, a friend, and hero, through it all the one thing never changed, was that he was mine,” the Groveland Township woman sobbed.

“One of the biggest things overlooked in this case is that me and my siblings lost my dad too. That loss has severely broken us,” she added. “The prosecution has tried to make me look like a monster but that’s not me and never was.”

Imirowicz also quoted the Bible.

“The evil are ensnared by the transgressions of their lips, but the righteous escape from trouble,” she said, quoting Proverbs 12:13, Law and Crime reported.

Her mother, Julie Conrad, also asked the judge to go easy on Imirowicz.

“We were a broken family before this began and now, we are even more broken, while her (Megan) age and her body is 19 years old. Her maturity and emotional level are not that of an adult,” she said.

Chief Assistant Prosecutor David Williams told the Oakland Press that “this was not the sentence we advocated for, however, the judge ultimately decides what sentence will be imposed.”

Megan was the second child the couple had adopted and was brought home to her older brother, Austin, when she was just a few days old.  

[honorary-fool]

My Wisp Dolls!!

bc I've mentioned wanting to show them once or twice and then never.. did that

SO

under the cut 'cus it'll be LONG between image size & mini rambles/text blurbs in between them

I'd also like to add these guys are roughly life-sized, based on comparison of wisp venti's size to the bard's head in screenshots from The Boy and the Whirlwind animation

The original, the one, the only, TB (originally meant to stand for Tiny Barbatos, but at this point it alternates between that and Tiny Bastard), the one that stared it all in June of 2021

he is also the only one w/ a name bc I didn't expect to make so many more

I know you're not supposed to play favorites w/ your children but THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE I LOVE HIM

this li'l one's my second wisp. They've been to a lotta places with me, and even have been to comic con! (/srs - a prop for my Nameless Bard cosplay)

they're what started the actual trend of me making these lil fellows ; I wanted to take TB on vacation with me but got scared bc I didn't know how to clean felt, so I made a second one a few days before our trip with t-shirt fabric. I've smuggled them into school a few times too

i never gave the third a name, but they look like they'd be namedFrank

they were an experiment to see how non-stretchy fabric worked with the pattern (Which was primarily drafted for use with felt, as that's my go-to sewing medium)

They uh... no longer exist (which looking back on, I'm sad about, I wish I kept them instead of [redacted])

One of my partners affectionately calls this one the strawberry wisp

They're actually based on art by Ceri_obt on twitter, of their corruption AU venti and the wisp form to go with it

I planned to add chains from the craft store and then I didn't

their eyes also used to swivel bc of how I unintentionally sewed the buttons in ; after awhile they got too loose, so i just hot-glued them into the above position.

I guess you could say they have a case of... resting wisp face?

Eh? ... No? Okay, moving on-

I wanted to experiment with how I attached the flowy part, and I had more spare tshirt fabric, hence.. this li'l fellow

I don't have much to say, just that they too were an experiment

..that sounds really concerning out of context

This one was actually for a friend's birthday! I fucked up the stitching on their back a li'l but other than that they're relatively normal /lh

my friend also used them as a reaction image for the next few days after I gave them to him so counting that as a W

they're my latest one, made early December of 2022

BONUS IMAGES OF TB!!!

This is how they look after ~2 years of being cuddled and well-loved- I like the pilled texture truthfully, it feels nicer than you'd think

the fabric marker on their antenna & wing have signficantly faded, which sucks, but hey, it's alright!

they're so tiny that they get thrown around during sleep unfortunately and end up in silly situations

this is one of those, found literally this morning

it looks like they're having an existential crisis & is using my pillow as a weighted blanket alternative /j

and there we go! all 6 wisps (I feel like i'm missing one but i genuinely cannot remember / find any pictures I took of them upon creation, sooo,,,)

[valentinepills]

A Miracle for World PH Day 2023

TRIGGER Warning: Mention of Miscarriage in this post and unflattering photos of myself.

in December of 2019, I noticed a significant difference in my health. Shortness of Breath, even when walking a short distance, heart palpitations, cough & wheezing, chest pain and occasional nose bleeds. Untreated Anxiety and Depression associated with my Bipolar Disorder, Uncontrolled Diabetes and Intermittent Asthma were believed to be the cause of these symptoms despite my growing concerns. Each year my symptoms worsened. In February 2022, it had gotten so bad that I could not walk from my bedroom to my kitchen without feeling like I had just ran a marathon. My pulmonologist agreed that my condition was rapidly worsening and begged me to give a CPAP another try. I was also switched to the highest dosage of Advair and regular use of my emergency inhaler. My PCP told me to get my A1C down and consider weight loss surgery to expedite my weight loss journey. I was determined to do everything they advised, this way I could prove to them that something more serious was occurring. At this time, I had already quit smoking and began lowering my A1C.

To my surprise, June 30, 2022 it was confirmed that I was pregnant. It shocked me because a couple years ago in 2020 I suffered a miscarriage at 16 weeks. I was advised to consider birth control because my body could not hold a fetus. Well... they were wrong about that one! The doctor confirmed a healthy fetus made it’s way and there was a heartbeat. It was a miracle and I knew God had other plans for me. I prayed every day and every night, thanking my heavenly Father and thy Earthly Mother for all the blessings they bestowed upon me; also asking for guidance, clarity and strength to lead me in the right direction.

I began to communicate with my Perinatologist more as I learned to trust her. During an appointment in September 2022, I opened up and told her,

Doctor, something is wrong with me and I need someone to listen to me. I can’t do my seated exercise anymore and that concerns me. I can’t even walk in place but for 4 minutes, then I have to stop and lay down. I think something is wrong with my heart. I’ve been having these issues before I was pregnant. Please help me. I want to live.

She asked me had I seen a cardiologist. I explained to her that after an urgent care visit in May I was put on a heart monitor for a few weeks but no results were communicated to me. She fought to get my referral to a cardiology approved. My visit with the cardiologist in October is when I was told, I have Pulmonary Hypertension. An ultrasound of my heart confirmed that I had heart disease and heart failure.

My breath was too short for a sigh of relief. The weight on my chest applied pressure instead of being lifted. I was in my third trimester of pregnancy, when a right heart catheterization confirmed my diagnosis in November 2022. Then, the cardiology team with my healthcare provider advised for my care to be transferred to out-of-network team that can provide the care that I needed. I had gained over 40lbs in fluid due to heart failure and my new health team was confident that we could reverse it before labor.

My mother was in fear that she would lose her only daughter. I was in fear that I would never get to hold my daughter. My love was afraid that he would lose me and be alone. My father was scared and speechless. Everything made sense in these moments and everything mattered. It mattered who was there and who wasn't. It mattered where I was and where I was going. It mattered how and why.

3 weeks away from my due date, a team of 20+ assembled in the cardiac care unit to bring Zenobia in to the world. My father waited at home by the phone, my mother waited alone in the labor & delivery room and my love was by my side as they tilted me back and began to operate. After 4 hours of pre-op and 45 minutes of surgery, it was a success. My daughter was born, healthy and strong. Doctors, Nurses and many people stopped by to visit me when I left ICU, curious to meet the miracle baby and her parents. A nurse who was not in my station came to visit and said, 

"I hope you don't mind that I came to visit. Although I'm not your nurse, I was on call when the entire floor heard that you were being transferred to the cardiac operating room. Every nurse gathered and we prayed for you. Everyone is celebrating you, a miracle." 

My eyes filled with tears and joy. Other doctors and their students came to visit and were glad to see me. Another nurse encouraged me to tell my story and document my journey because it will inspire others. The doctors that worked directly with my care and surgery were impressed, proud and says that I'm their model story.

That was almost 4 months ago in January 2023 but also when my journey began. My team was honest with me, that labor and delivery was the least of their concern. Surviving postpartum, preparing for cardiac therapy and rehabilitation was top priority. I would be lying if I said it is easy. Most days I am sad. Learning to adjust to my new way of life has been challenging and difficult to accept. I promised myself to do all that I can to live, to change and to never give up. Meeting people who have PH and joining the association has been a great help to me and how I learned of World Pulmonary Hypertension Day on May 5, 2023. 

One thing I have learned since giving birth with Pulmonary Hypertension is how much time and creating memories mean to me. Also, how important it is to talk about how you’re feeling no matter how that looks for you or how it makes anyone else feel. It’s easy to look down and frown when you’re faced with this challenge. Make the conscious decision today, right now to look up and forward. Be good to yourself and your body. When you need to rest, do so and don’t feel bad for not being able to push through on bad days. You’re a survivor, a PHighter.

I have so much to look forward to. Raising my daughter, therapies and rehabilitation and none of it will be easy but I give praise to the Most High for this blessing. Thank you Lord for blessing every hand that was laid upon me. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for every person who prayed for me. Thank you for those who have been there and rooting for me. Thank you for giving me the strength and bravery to share what you have done for me and what you will continue to do. Thank you to everyone following me, befriending me and joining me. I got you. Let’s live, let’s fight for a cure.

[sapphiclili]

STORY TIME

ok, in 2020 i started to question my sexuality (i was 14), i have never ever thought about my sexuality before but anyways, by the early 2020 i thought that i was bi, and my best friend thought so. but in 2021 i was having problems with accepting that I was really bi because i felt like i didn't feel a single thing for real life men, and i was getting a little bit frustrated because i couldn't believe that i was a LESBIAN!! that sounded like terror for me back then.

sooo by june ig of 2021, i finally accepted that i was a lesbian, because i could tell that women were my thing and uk it was different when i was with a girl. i also came out to my family in 2021, it was not something to scare me (but still did tho) because i have 2 gay uncles and one of them is married. my mom wasn't really happy with me being gay but she have nothing to do about it.

ok, here comes my least fav part.

in August of 2022 i started going out with a lot of friends, like 11 teens walking around (now i hate this so much goddammit), and some of em had friends from other close cities and they started hanging out with us. one of this guys had interest in me, and i knew it, it was too obvious. my friends started telling me that he's nice and that I should give him a chance, i wasn't really comfortable with because it was making me confused and i hated it. but everyone was so genuine about it so we kissed, it was weird i didn't like it, but he was really nice, but i didn't like him in a "i like you kiss me" way, it was more like a "you're nice to hanging out with" way but I was too confused about everything. (one sign of my lesbianism)

it didn't last because i didn't like hooking up with him, it was weird and there was no feeling at all, also I wasn't the one to start the kisses. anyways I stopped going out with everyone, now is just 3 people that ilsm, and they're better anyway. now 2023, I'm thinking im bi, i started texting this guy but after some days I wasn't liking it because he always wanted to send "weird" pictures and i didn't like it (another sign of gayness), then one day something happened and i was pissed! I wanted to get out of my house but I had nobody to call to meet up, so i called him, and I wasn't waiting for but he kissed me and I regretted instantly, we stayed out for like an hour and I got home, we still kept in contact for a few days and I stopped responding him because I realized that i don't like kissing men, actually i hate it. and now I've been thinking about my ex gf and how i loved her, and now I REALLY accepted im definitely a fucking lesbian.

[p-ink-ink]

The New Year It’s 2024 and I feel so estranged from this year. The year was supposed to begin with me having a baby in March. I still cannot believe I was pregnant, let alone the fact that I no longer am. It’s a hard reality to face. 2024 sounded like a beautiful year, it sounded so sweet. I suppose it's not too late to be… but it still will never be what August me thought it would be. August 2023 me was a different person. I don’t know if I can ever be her again. Just like I will never be June 2021 me ever again. Life changes us. Quickly. Slowly, Sometimes for the better. But I don’t find that to be the case for me. I’d throw away all the “strength” that trauma has brought me in an instant if it could make me whole again. If I could only get through this life unscathed. Just yesterday, I sat and thought about it as I was driving to work. The patterns in my life. I noticed tragedy hitting me every odd year.

2019: I felt uprooted from home, moving away once again after I finally began to feel comfortable in that new place of ours, we had to leave. We left the apartment that we gave up my childhood home for and moved in with my grandparents. “Just for a few months,” my mom said, but life had other plans. As that Summer ended, I was rejected once again, for the final time by the person I loved. The person I used to dedicate all myself to. Tossed away like trash, like three years didn’t matter. I needed to find myself again as I began college.

2020: I found my peace in a new love, I was starting to learn how to trust the guy I loved instead of fearing being abandoned. I found togetherness with him and the way life changed around us that unique year. I spent some time with new friends and tried to enjoy the life of a “new adult” despite the world being so different that year.

2021: The year I was completely shattered, gutted by the loss of my grandpa, and my brother who was much, much too young, and much too lively and spirited to depart from us so soon. A life I never wanted to live had begun for me, one without my big brother to lean on. This year broke me and I have never felt whole since. No words can find the way I changed this year and yet I desperately search for them.  I never knew one year could be so cruel. I never found out what I, or my family, did to ever deserve this. It was the darkest period of my life. I have nightmares about it often.

2022: The year I threw myself into chasing happiness, I took more vacations than ever before. I went to more and more concerts too, I spent time with new friends. My boyfriend and I moved in together. I tried to begin thinking about how near our future as a family together was. I wanted it now, I wanted to feel like I was gaining something after losing so much the year before. I wanted the pain to stop. I did everything I could. I just wanted to press the fast forward button on my life. 2023: The year began with my PCOS diagnosis. This terrified me. I have always wanted children, more than anything else in life. I could never even imagine a future where I am happy without them. I found out it might not be so easy. It might not even be possible. I didn’t want to miss a single chance. I have often thought I’d like to be a mother young. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I never needed it to. So with the diagnosis that scared me, and the longing for the joys of life instead of the pain. We started to welcome the possibility of a baby whenever life would allow for us. No more preventing. Over half a year went by, and by August’s beginning, I found out I was pregnant. My world changed in a moment. I was happier than I had been in years. But it didn’t last. It couldn’t. Ten weeks with my baby is all that I was given. Only three where I even knew.  I still struggle to wrap my head around it all. I have a baby I have never met.  If I let myself be hopeful, I can maybe believe that their short little life can continue on the other side. Maybe they can meet their Uncle Connor. Maybe they can still grow up. I would have loved for them to meet earthside, but life hasn’t given me what I’ve wanted in a long time.

I think about my baby and where they would be right now. Just two months away from being born, I’d be feeling the kicks now. My family and friends could be celebrating with me now, too. I’d have loved to know if they were a boy or a girl, I’d have loved to see them, to know them. My baby was due March 14th, 2024. Just one day before my brother’s birthday. He'd have been 31. What a cruel joke it is.  2024…  Please be kind.

[cottonmamba]

This was June 2022, I had saved up money, I packed my bags, and came to the U.S.A. from Mexico with my tourist visa and passport, to start a 7-week film course at a film school ($700 to the trash), but anyway...

A little about me before this story starts...

I was born 1996 and raised in Mexico, went to catholic school most of my life, then later private high school, I never felt like I belonged in Mexico, I would come to the U.S.A. for shopping and I'd be jealous of how people my age were dressed, how they were able to express their personality with the way they styled themselves. I'd enjoy trips to McAllen, Laredo, South Padre Island, etc.. (the valley pretty much) with my family, these trips would be the highlight of my year for most of my teenage years.

I started a Tumblr when I was in middle school and I'd feel connected to other users that lived in the U.S.A., most of the content was from the U.S.A. (Monster Energy, OBEY, Slurpees, DC shoe culture, skaters, mall stores, candy, etc) I'd be online and I felt like I belonged to this culture, these people online that were in the U.S.A. and I were on the same wavelength. The difference was our country, I was miles away from Slurpees and Sour Patch Kids.

After being online I'd go back to my normal world...

Catholic school was never a place meant for me, there were no boys, we had to wear uniforms, 40 girls in my class, how can you be an individual in such a small group of people, there is always that fear of everyone to be different... Yes, I tried, and guess what happened... All of a sudden I was the "weird one", the one who nobody wanted to associate with because I was weird. Now that I look back, I should've gone to the parties, I should've been even weirder, but at the time, I was scared, I felt marginalized, and I became marginalized...

My escape was family reunions with cousins and relatives, and our trips to the U.S.A.

High school started, same people from the catholic school... plus other people, some cool, some not.

I was tired of living amongst the same people everyday, same gossip about the same people, I still felt pretty inadequate, the "weird" thing still followed me around like a shadow, I did make some friends, but it was always very lightly, I didn't think anybody would care if I disappeared really, also I didn't feel comfortable with pretty much anyone from school.

So one summer I decided to run away.

For that to happen I had to make my mom angry, so she could leave me alone in the house and I could escape... I didn't have the keys to lock the doors behind me so I had to jump the wall (because a lot of houses in Mexico are surrounded by walls).

I packed my bags, my passport/visa to come to the U.S.A. eventually... my first stop was in a big city an hour away from mine, I had looked up this hippie center, cuz if it was full of hippies... they'd let me stay with them, right? That's how they are.. So with around $120 pesos ($7 dlls) I bought a bus ticket and sold bracelets at the bus station (or tried to), I had a few dollars too that I exchanged for pesos at a store when I got to the big city...

I got a taxi from the bus station to the hippie place... it looked really fancy, like rich hippie place... and that's when I started losing hope.

Some man in the entrance asked me what I needed, I said I wanted to speak with the owner... I sat in their lobby waiting for the owner of the place typing an email to my parents to let them know I was okay... After all... I still wanted to talk to them, they weren't the reason I wanted to leave, if anything I'd take my family with me, but I know they have a life already. I deleted all my social media, so nobody could contact me.

The owner showed up, he was a very charismatic man, very peaceful demeanor, but the first thing he asked me after introducing himself was: " Did you run away from home?" To which I replied: "Yes"

I could tell he was concerned so he convinced me to call my parents after a few minutes of conversation. After all, I was a 16 year old girl with no money at all. Thankfully (but also unfortunately) these people were nice and gave me good advice, instead of leading me into a chaotic lifestyle that after all would've been a great story if I ever made it out alive.

Came back home, the walk of shame... when I went back to school, I felt even weirder, some people asked me what happened, some probably just thought it was straight up crazy... Remember I live in a not-that-big of a city, with around 200 people in my class...

My escape made it to the newspapers, blaming the event on the "heated argument with my mom", I'm so angry that they made so much of the article up, and I hope my mom knows in her heart that I DID NOT run away because of that argument... I caused it on purpose so I could take off when they were all out.

Pt. 2 soon...

[romantic-flora]

Hi I'm a Hot Sad TransGirl <3

this is my stupid little journal I use to cope with my cliche early 20s crippling heartache over my best friend.

In late february 2022, I met the love of my life. We're going to call them Luna. They're 3 years younger than me. They were introduced to my social circle at an event. They were in the midst of a breakup. One of my friends, Abby, caught feelings for Luna as well. Abby was, at this time, my confidant and the person I had trusted more than anyone else in my life. Abby expressed her feelings for Luna faster and louder to the rest of our mutuals than I could. So I told myself I would approach Luna with only platonic intentions. Of course, Abby was privy to my feelings and decision. Within days Luna and I became very close. We bonded over lesbian music. We would coordinate outfits. Luna wouldn't go to events with my social circle unless I was coming.

Two months went by, Luna and I spending more time together. I fell hopelessly, desperately in love. In love with their unearthly grace, their lifegiving charisma, their silly habits. I knew for sure as we drove home one night. The neon signs and streetlights casting rays and shadows over their hands on the steering wheel. I could have watched their hands forever. Perfect and lithe and gentle.

Abby never made a move. She just wasn't that interested anymore. I told her how hard I had fallen, and she told me that she was ready to move on; that she thought Luna and I were cute together.

I had not fallen in love since 2017. It took me three years and moving 4000km away to get over that last one. Then two years of loneliness in a frightening new city. I was scared.

Two more months. These were the good days. The endorphin rush of suspected reciprocation. We spent a day together most weeks. We would sit and debate anything for hours and hours. Luna loves to pick stupid hills to die on, then laughs as I tear them down, the over-sincere analyst that I am.

I pined for Luna. Yearned for them. Plagued by mixed signals. Most of the time I was too nervous, to be my usual confident self. We did become best friends though. Luna was my favorite person by a wide margin. In early June I began to realize my romantic feelings were not being reciprocated. For the next 2 weeks I don't think I went more than 6 hours without crying. I called Abby every day, pouring out my heart, but I would not dare show Luna how much I was hurting. I was to return to my hometown in July for 2 months. I needed to say something before I left.

When I confessed to Luna, they were very tender with me. They already knew I had feelings & they didn't feel the same. They were very kind though. When I said I wanted to continue spending time together, they were so relieved. They asked if we could remain best friends; of course I said yes. My only request was that they don't tell me about their dates & hookups for a while. Envy is my sin.

2 days later, before my flight, they planned an adorable picnic day for me to say goodbye. It was the best day of my life.

While I was gone, I couldn't text much. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week. Luna isn't a fan of phone calls so it didn't happen that often, but that was okay. Slowly but surely, my heart was healing. Luna and I were very excited to celebrate our birthdays together; they're back-to-back. I wrote them a song. It was catchy and earnest and sweet.

A few days after I returned to the city, Abby asked if I could help her move into a new apartment. Luna would be there! Luna was taking a heavy course load this semester so their free time was limited.

I was so deeply excited to see both of them. My two closest friends! Luna and I ran into each other's arms at first sight. Luna had undergone 2 years worth of character development in 2 months; letting down their emotional walls, conquering phobias, coming around on a bunch of my favorite media. It was bittersweet. I was happy for Luna, but I wished I had been there at their side for these big steps.

We went to Abby's new apartment right away & all layed on the bed together. My head was in Luna's lap. It was sweet. I could accept platonicy if it looked like this. Abby said she had something to tell me... She struggled to find her words for a minute. Luna cut off her rambling. They were seeing each other.

Then I had to help Abby move.

I didn't speak to either Abby or Luna for the next 9 months. I never showed Luna their song. They were painfully casual when I said I needed space.

They broke up shortly thereafter. I was the cause. Luna texted this to me in matter of fact terms.

I was furious with Abby. My heartbreak over Luna renewed a thousand fold more intense.

Fall 2022 was the lowpoint of my life. Financial instability, housing insecurity, a hostile roommate, unaccepting family...and neither of my best friends to talk to. And because I was sitting opposed to both of them, I was de facto left out of our social circle.

I thought about Luna every day. I fantasized that they would just hold me. At the worst of it, I almost sent a text, but never did. I convinced myself they never cared about me. I had made every plan, they never talked about any of their problems, we didn't have that much in common anyway. While these things were true, I was looking at them in bad faith. I was coping. It's easier to be hurt by a bad person.

Across those months I cried oceans. On the one hand I wished so so badly that Luna would show up without my asking and make everything better. On the other hand I wallowed in my misery; I felt genuine hate the days I blamed them, and I felt utterly worthless the days I blamed myself.

______________________________________________________________

Winter/spring 2023: I've been sleeping around. There's lots of drama but I'm pretty stable. Life is on a bit of an upswing. The work I ended up taking in the fall/winter + employment insurance meant I could take some months off. My mental health is the best it's ever been. I still thought about Luna every day but increasingly it was more painful to not have my best friend in my life - strange as it may seem given how briefly we'd known one another.

I sat down for a chat with Abby. She gave a satisfactory apology. I was ready to rejoin our social circle. But I would never really trust Abby again.

I did not do the same with Luna. I just told them I would be reintegrating myself. They seemed happy about it, but not in any strong way.

The first time Luna and I were in a room together again felt so good. We fell into side conversations, teamed up in board games, smiled at each other.

Luna soon asked if I would want to hang out one-on-one. I was overjoyed. We went on a picnic. At the same park as last time. It was another of the best days of my life. We caught up, but didn't really talk about how being apart had affected us. What was new was how touchy we were. Hands on knees, heads on shoulders, picking flower petals out of each other's hair. Real sapphic stuff.

We did one or two more of these. Things between us felt different. Every time they looked at me with those woody hazel eyes, I felt my heart skip a beat. Two weeks in we had The Conversation.

Through sobs I told them I was as in love as ever. I cry in front of other people constantly. What was shocking, was to see Luna, normally an emotional vault, also break down into tears. Their feelings hadn't changed either. They were terrified I was going to leave them again. They had felt enormous guilt for the situation with Abby & my walking away. In the fall we had both been crying over each other, missing each other, wanting desperately to reach out. Both assuming the other would not want to hear from us.

We had been using the same song as a coping device. What If It Doesn't End Well by Chloe Moriondo. The same artist we had bonded over in the first place.

Luna couldn't bear the thought of opening up again, only to be left again. I assured them I wouldn't be going anywhere ever again. Even if we want different things. This is a promise I intend to keep.

Since then, Luna and I have spent a full day together most weeks. Usually that plus something else with other friends. I would be lying if I said my love had diminished. We've bonded over more intimate things; our sex lives, our recent autism(me)/adhd(them) diagnoses, some new shared media obsessions.

We are extremely touchy; far beyond the bounds of what most would consider platonic. We hold each other by the waist on the subway. We kiss each other on the forehead. They put their hand on my thigh while we nap, spooning. They nuzzle against my hand when I touch their face. We bite each other affectionately. They like it when I lace my fingers into their hair...the way you do when you make out with someone. Luna has also made it known they don't want to act like this around our mutual friends because "they would be weird about it" as if it's not worth being weird about.

Luna has also banned me from flirting...sort of. Since The Conversation I've been up and down, but on good days, I feel like the pressure is gone, and I'm totally capable of being my full charismatic self around Luna. The first time this happened (a few months ago), my incessant flirting made them QUITE flustered. They said I need to tone it down or we'll probably end up hooking up - but they won't be as emotionally invested as I want them to be. I still flirt, but only to be funny & when it's really sincere - none of the aggressively Forward stuff you'd use on a night out or with a tinder hookup. The sincere stuff really gets to them sometimes.

All said, since The Conversation we've become MUCH touchier, have been actually flirting, have been finding more meaningful connection, and Luna has been talking to me about their problems.

Sure sounds like there might be something there, right? Especially considering when they said their feelings hadn't changed, we hadn't seen each other for almost a year... and I'm WAY hotter than I used to be. Like we're talking ORDERS of magnitude...

Luna has a hard time identifying their emotions sometimes, and is deeply uncomfortable with feeling things. They recently told me, after a very cute day at the art gallery, that our affection has been making them uncomfortable, but not in an inherently bad way...

We downloaded the app Dimensional and have been comparing psychometrics (an overlapping field of interest). One of the most interesting insights was that while Luna needs more independence than I do (I have an anxious attachment style), we both are prone to finding love/attraction in people we are close friends with first...

I read too far into everything. Luna claims to only give and take things at surface value.

It FEELS like there is something going on, but I am of course clouded by being in the moment.

______________________________________________________________

Last week Luna and I went to a party. We both got drunk and had a good time - unusual for me, parties are often my hell, but it's Luna's scene and I wanted to participate in what they find fun. In the uber home, we had the following exchange after a sweet, sleepy conversation:

FLORA: "...can I kiss you?"

LUNA chuckling "not in an uber."

F: "another time then?"

L: "mmm, perhaps..."

F: "I like where we're at. I don't want anything to change."

L: "mm hm."

Luna held me the rest of the way home.

When I got out of the uber, and they drove off to take Luna home, I sat down on the curb and cried. We didn't talk about it, I tried to treat it like it was no big deal. Our text thread was very casual, but rather quiet for the next few days. We saw each other soon after and everything was fine? We had plans for the next day as well... Luna cancelled on me.

Anxiety has been eating me alive since the party. Writing it out, these most recent events don't seem so significant, but I cannot escape the fear that Luna is withdrawing from me. We had agreed to be more open with each other about how we're feeling, but faced with the possibility that something might be real this time, I dare not say a word. I'm falling back into my habits of villainizing them to make it easier if this is in fact the beginning of the end.

I don't want to give up my love for Luna. It is the most profound thing I have felt in my entire life. I adore this person beyond every horizon. I would kill, die, or live for them. I am a woman of science but they are the reason I believe in soulmates. No hell or oblivion could keep me from you, Luna. I would cross the very stars, or slay the very gods that brought us together.

But so too am I exhausted from repeating this same heartbreak again and again.

I simply cannot understand how I can feel so deeply, wholly, and inexorably while they feel...nothing?

Luna. You once told me the difference between us was that I am willing to risk great pain for great beauty, and you are not. Are you afraid what might become of us? Or is there simply no place in your heart for me?

Your Love Eternal,

Flora

[bluestar22x]

I finally subscribed to Disney+ in July 2022 and watched The Mandalorian the very same day. Binged the first 2 seasons and TBOBF episodes 5 to 7 over the course of 2 days. Loved it so much (I love guys being dads <3). And when Din’s face was revealed during episode 8 I was curious and looked up who Din’s actor was. Okay, Pedro Pascal. Never remembered him but apparently he guest starred in some of my past shows (The Mentalist, Nikita). I shrugged and moved on. lol

Then I found out via tumblr that he would play Joel in The Last of Us show. And it just happened that at the end of May/start of June I had watched a no commentary play through of the TLOU game (and the best parts of game 2) after seeing gifs of the game on my tumblr feed. I had already fallen hopelessly in love with game Joel before I saw Din. 2 dads in as many months. I was unsure of Pedro playing Joel at first (I was used to game Joel's voice/face) but the first TLOU show trailer sold me. I was giddy.

Waiting for the show to come out, I was impatient, and bored so I watched Prospect because my best friend suggested it (she already liked Pedro before me). She sold it to me by saying it was another father like role. I ended up liking Ezra (though Din was by far my #1 still at this point).

Then I watched Narcos. Again a suggestion from my friend. Didn’t care for the plot much but Steve and Javier - YES. I was shooked after seeing episode 2. If you know, you know. lol

I’m fuzzy after that. I know I watched a few clips on youtube from Game of Thrones (Oberyn’s speech to Tyrion about not seeing him as a monster was A+) and I rewatched bits of The Mentalist, Nikita, other random shows, etc. Can’t remember if I watched Triple Frontier before or after TLOU show but I did get to that one eventually too. Oh and I watched The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (Javi G is cute) and then We Can Be Heroes as well, just for Pedro. It was worth it, imo. Marcus Moreno is a favorite. His personality - I could picture marrying him most out of all the characters if I’m being honest. ha

Then The Last Of Us aired and I was lost. Combining my favorite game character with my now favorite actor? I spent nearly every spare moment for 9 weeks straight thinking about show Joel and taking in some Pedro interviews. Joel's my favorite Pedro character.

Season 3 of The Mandalorian disappointed me in the middle of it, but it ended well. Hopefully Season 4 focuses more on Din and Grogu again and fixes its pacing/plot.

I’ve seen most of his characters but not all. (I did recently watch The Great Wall, Equalizer 2, and The Bubble though - I was bored. lol). I regret watching Oberyn, Whiskey, and Dave York dying for reasons (Oberyn’s is downright traumatizing and Whiskey’s was just mean imo - he literally just told them he lost his family and the main characters showed no remorse killing him like that - who’s the real monsters here?). Time to ban that from happening to anymore of his characters while the writers strike is going on. Grrrr...

With the TLOU and Mando shows done for now, I currently live on fanfics - mainly Joel Miller ones. I like Joel and Ellie bonding/fluff/angst, Jackson fics - with little brother/uncle Tommy - and Joel/OC smut. I’ve also read occasionally for other characters (Javier Pena, Marcus Pike, even Dieter now). Ginger’s/Ren’s The Crush fanfic was actually the first Pedro character fanfic I read - back before TLOU aired. I am into a lot of fics right now, but Short Days Long Nights is one of my top favs. I check for updates often franny. I wasn’t sure I’d like the concept as I usually don’t like TLOU fics that take place before season 1′s canon events, but you freakin sold me. I’m in love with your fic. It’s like a mature fairly tale. I want to live in that cabin. I’m scared something bad will happen.

Anyway, while I find Pedro really sweet and handsome, what really drew me in most is his acting skills (his subtitle facial expressions and eye acting) and the dad roles. lol I love so many of his characters though, dad or no dad. All his characters feel so different. The difference in vibes between them all is crazy. Are there any that truly feel like the same person? Certainly the characters he’s most known for all feel very different.

Come tell me your Pedro fandom origin story — how did you get here? 😍❤️

[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction || They Can’t Get Hard [Request]

⤜Copyright: © DreamEscapesWriting - June 2022

⤜MASTERLIST

MATURE THEMES: Made for Mature audience ONLY MINORS DNI

A/N: I lost the original screenshot and ask T-T So I hope I remembered everything correctly for you my love!! 

I DONT OWN THE GIFS

It had been weeks since you'd gotten any kind of attention from your boyfriend in the bedroom department and you were starting to get a little worried. It seemed as though no matter what you did or said nothing would get him hard, not even a small twitch from his cock. You'd tried all kinds of different things to try and get him hard but nothing worked. Was he not attracted to you anymore? Two weeks ago you began to dress more provocatively around the house, just to see if he would look at you but nothing. There used to be days when neither of you could get enough of one another and now it seemed as though it was a major effort for him to try. 

Had you changed that much that he couldn't even get hard from you anymore? Sighing a little you looked at your boyfriend who was already pouting a little. You didn't want to make him feel any worse than he probably already was but you couldn't help but feel like this was all your fault. That it was all on you that he couldn't get hard, maybe you weren't attractive anymore to him.

SEOKJIN:

Jin looked away from you and got up from the bed, disappearing into the bathroom and you instantly began to sob into the sheets beside you. Everything you had tried had failed and now you were left with a boyfriend who couldn't get hard for you. No matter how hard you tried. 

"Babe?" He called out when he walked into the bedroom to see your shoulder shaking a little. He sighed as he noticed how hard this must have been hitting you but he couldn't help it. He'd been spending so much time at work lately that he barely had time to do anything for himself. He was too stressed to even think straight and he could feel himself beginning to grow in self-hatred as he realised you were crying because of him.

"Yn..." He walked over to the bed and laid down behind you, carefully spooning you from behind as you continued to let out little sobs.

"It's my fault...I-I'm not attractive enough to get you hard anymore-"

"Baby no, no, it's not that at all," Jin whispered as he rubbed your sides softly. Everything you'd been doing for the last few weeks hadn't gone unnoticed by him at all. In fact, he regularly tried to find ways to get hard since he missed the feeling of you around him.

"It is, you haven't been able to get hard in weeks and if...if I looked-" Jin cut you off by kissing you tenderly, there was no way he was going to let you give yourself a hard time when he knew it had nothing to do with you.

"I'm stressed with work...That's all it is," He told you as he rubbed your back softly, you looked down at your hands and shook your head. 

"Jin."

"Yn, believe me. If you think seeing you in all of these outfits hasn't made my mind race with ideas you're wrong...I'm just-" He shook his head letting out a large sigh. He wasn't supposed to tell you anything that he and the boys were doing but he wasn't going to hold it back when he knew it was affecting you poorly. 

"We're under a lot of stress with fiesta coming up and we have a lot to say and do all in one big dinner party...I'm scared and stressed," It was silent for a couple of minutes before you slowly turned around to face him and smiled weakly. 

"You could have told me,...I would have done my destressing nights for you." You smiled a little running your hand over his cheek gently, 

"I could run you a giant bubble bath, then order in all your favourite foods and even give you back rubs." All of that sounded wonderful and he nodded his head after everything. 

"I'm sorry if I made you feel shitty about it," You realised it probably wasn't easy for him to realise he couldn't get hard. 

"I'm sorry If I made you feel insecure," He dragged you closer to his body, kissing your neck and shoulders.

"You're beautiful," He whispered softly in your ear making your hips buck, 

"Jin...W-We can't,"

"No, I can't. But I know how to make you feel good without my cock," He whispered before biting down on your ear and smirking.

YOONGI:

You pulled the coat back on over your body and instantly felt ashamed of yourself for even trying to do this. How could you have been so stupid to think this would even work? The roleplay fantasy he had always had was your last resort and it failed to get him up. 

"Babe," Yoongi trailed off but you were already making your way over to the door of his office. You tensed up as you looked down at yourself, you didn't want anyone to see what was under the coat since there was nothing there.

"Yn, don't."

"Don't what? It's clear you don't want to fuck me anymore, so I'm just...I'm done trying," You mumbled harshly, tying the belt of your coat up as tight as you could get it. You'd shown up at the studios knowing that he was going to be alone in nothing but a coat. You thought it would be able to spice things up but when you realised that not even your naked body was getting Yoongi hard you panicked. 

"Yn, it's not like that." Yoongi pleaded with you as he stood in front of the door to prevent you from leaving out of it.

"Did you find someone else? Someone who's better looking and can give you better things than me? Because I would rather you tell me now, saves me embarrassing myself even more with lame attemps to get you hard." Yoongi's face was splashed with hurt that you would even think like that and you sighed moving over to the sofa that was inside of his office.

"I'm sorry...I'm just so fucking scared," You admitted while rubbing your hand over your face. Yoongi knew it had to be affecting you too but it wasn't something that he could help. For months now he had been working more and more, spending nights trapped inside of his studio instead of at home in bed with you and it was finally taking a hit. Looking at you look so defeated in the situation he hated himself even more for not being able to get it up. 

"It's not you, it's me...I haven't been sleeping." He mumbled as he looked down at him, how could he not get hard for one of the most beautiful people in the entire world? The one person who always seemed to get him in the mood even when he was angry with them, 

"I love you baby. It has nothing to do with you, you're so fucking hot." He brought you to rest on his lap and you smiled weakly.

"You told me you were sleeping, Mr Min Yoongi." You scolded only half-jokingly and he smiled at you, kissing your forehead gently. 

"I'll make it up to you, I have next week off." He knew he was getting burnt out and he'd made sure to take some time off soon, to relax and spend lots of time with you.

HOSEOK:

Hoseok let out a loud whine as you began to slowly get up from his lap, he didn't want to admit that he'd lost again but the two of you had been trying for a while now and it just wasn't working. It hurt to know that your boyfriend was struggling to get hard, especially when you were wearing his favourite underwear set and grinding up against his naked body. 

"I'm going to take a shower," You mumbled in annoyance. It was wrong for you to get upset, you knew that deep down but it also hurt so much to know he wasn't able to get it up for you. 

"Yn." He breathed out as he tried to fist his cock in his hand, being harsh with himself but you shook your head at him. It was no use. You'd tried almost everything to get him hard, everything except the little blue pill which you weren't going to suggest to him. It hurt Hoseok to know that no matter what the two of you kept trying nothing was working. He would have thought this would have worked magic on him, To see his sexy girlfriend grinding right on his dick the way he loves, the way your underwear would grace against his cock. 

"H-Hobi." You stuttered out, not wanting to hurt himself with how hard he was fisting his cock in his hand. Small whimpers left his lips as he realised it wasn't working.

“Come and shower with me...Okay? I want to make you feel good in other ways,” You told him. It was obvious that whatever it was that was bothering him so much was nothing to do with you. If it was the case he wouldn't be so determined to make sure he could get hard for you. All you wanted to do was be close with your boyfriend and know that this wasn't your fault. That he was still attracted to you. You didn’t need sex, you just needed to be close to him, showering together was just as good as sex to you. 

"Please...Let me pamper you," You breathed out as he released himself and slowly followed you into the en-suite inside of your bedroom.

NAMJOON:

Namjoon let out a sigh as he gently pulled you up from your knees, giving him head when he was stressed usually helped relieve him but once again. His cock was in your mouth and he was failing to get it up, his mind racing with too many anxious thoughts and everything he was stressing over for weeks.

"I think I should go," You mumbled annoyingly, looking around for your clothes so you could go and stay at your sibling's place for a while. It was probably going to be the better option, if you stayed here you were only going to get more and more wound up with yourself.

"Why?" He pulled his boxers back on and watched as you shook your head at him.

"You clearly aren't attracted to me anymore so what's the point-" You couldn't finish your sentence as Namjoon pulled you down onto his lap. This had nothing to do with you or your looks and it had everything to do with himself.

"Me not being able to get hard has nothing to do with you." He explained, running his hand gently over your cheek, extending his thumb to go along your bottom lip.

"But-"

"Nothing. There's no "but" this is because of me, You're so unbelievably sexy Yn, it's my problem to deal with." He whispered but you wiggled away from his hand and shook your head at him.

"Namjoon. I had your cock in my mouth and you couldn't even get hard, you clearly are-"

"I'm stressed okay? I'm stressed out with work and I just-" He teared up, it wasn't often that you would get to see him so vulnerable and your chest ached. You hadn't even thought about how hard it was for Namjoon to be going through this right now. For him to want you so badly but not be able to give you what you both wanted so desperately.

"I want to give you everything but right now I can't...I-I can't focus on anything except everything to do with work. It's like I can't turn off my brain from working." He admitted with a small sigh, that he hadn't wanted you to know how much stress he was under but it was obvious how much it was affectingg you if he didn't.

"Tell me..." You urged, moving you both over to the bed so you could sit and hash this out together, the way couples were supposed to.

JIMIN:

"Jimin, please." You begged as you tried to pack everything up into a suitcase, only he would unpack it and throw it across the room to try and stop you from doing this. 

"I can explain it all,"

"So can I, you don't find me attractive enough anymore." You mumbled going over to the clothes he had thrown, picking them all up and sighing as you felt Jimin standing in front of you.

"That has nothing to do with it. yn...You're so fucking sexy," He breathed out as he got onto his knees in front of you, holding your wrist gently in his hands so that you would stand in one place long enough for him to be able to explain what was going on. 

"If you really thought that, you'd be able to get hard." You hissed bitterly, it was a low blow but Jimin could understand where it was all coming from. This week you'd been sending him nudes and while he appreciated them and loved them they were doing nothing for him because he was so scared.

"It's okay, at least we figured it out early on in the relationship that you can't get hard for me," The two of you had only been dating for a few months and you'd decided to try and take the next step together weeks ago but nothing was working, 

"Can I explain anything to you first?"

"Jimin-" You looked at him, he was the physically equivalent of that damn pleading eye emoji so you nodded your head and let out a small sigh. 

"Fine." He smiled a little and took you over to the bed wondering how he was even going to explain this without sounding like a loser.

"The boys scared me..."

"What?" It didn't make any sense. Jimin had had sex before, the two of you had the previous partner discussion a long time ago.

"They told me that...That you might fake your orgasms and jokes about me not being able to get you off at all."

"Jimin..." You trailed off slowly, beginning to feel bad that you had made this all about you when it was obvious that he was suffering too.

"I freaked out, I got so in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about that...I wanted to make sure you would feel good but whenever we got close I would panic and not be able to-" He pointed down and you whimpered a little.

"Jimin, baby...You don't have to listen to a word they're saying to you." You trailed off, moving closer to him on the bed, running your hand through his hair as he blushed a little.

"Besides, it's all about learning each others bodies...I need to learn what pleases you too," He nodded as you spoke and you smiled, leaning and kissing him softly.

TAEHYUNG:

"What was that about?" Taehyung asked, referring to moments earlier when you were sitting around the dinner table with all of the boys and you were stroking him through his jeans. Under any other circumstance it would have turned him on but it was difficult right now when he had everything but the world on his shoulders. Though sometimes it felt like that.

"I don't know! I'm trying to bring more adventure into our sex life! I thought maybe it would be that you wanted that but instead, I know it's because you don't find me good enough anymore," You snapped harshly and Taehyung ran his hands over his face. He knew that it was all going to bubble down to the bedroom. He hadn't been able to get hard in a few weeks because he was overly tired from the practice for a tour and he was leaving within a few days. He hadn't told you that he was so stressed because he didn't want you to have to worry while he wasn't at home. He thought that he'd be able to handle it himself for a while but it turned out he couldn't.

"This has nothing to do with that, I can't get hard because I'm stressed." He grumbled at you as you rolled your eyes, it was hardly believable when you knew your boyfriend like the back of your own hand. 

"Please. I've seen you get hard over easy things." You began to walk out of the door and he followed you, this wasn't going to end until he had convinced you of the truth.

"That's when I'm not stressed."

"Cut the lying...Just tell me the truth." You turned around on your heel the face him and he was red in the face, 

"It is the truth." He growled pinning you up against the wall, your heart skipped a beat as you stared at him slowly looking down to see that he was hard beneath his jeans.

"I've been stressed, okay? But that doesn't mean I don't find you fucking sexy. Especially when you're wearing those short fucking outfits, trying to get a rise out of me...And the boys making comments," He moaned out a little at the thought before kissing you hungrily.

JUNGKOOK:

"I-I can do it, I can." Jungkook panted as he gently took your hips into his hands and began to rub you up against his dick. It wasn't going to change anything, if he hadn't gotten hard by now then you weren't going to be able to get him hard tonight. The two of you had been out drinking, you'd hoped that made he would relax a little but it only seemed to have worked inside of the club. You'd been grinding up against him, brushing your ass against his crotch until you got home and he still wasn't hard. Even after you griding naked against one another for him to feel how ready you were for him.

"Kookie," You whimpered as you felt him working himself against you, you shook your head at him. He was trying so hard to get ready for you but you both knew it wasn't going to happen tonight. It’s not that he wasn't turned on, he really was. Especially at the club when you were wearing the tightest dress in the world that made him weak at the knees. It was just that he physically couldn't make his dick get up. His hands slowly stopped moving as he admitted his defeat and he groaned at the thought of it. 

“I’m sorry.” He mutters, trying to sound mature and unaffected by all of this but you weren't an idiot. You'd been together for three years now and you could see right through his act.

"Don't be, okay? Is something at work bothering you?" You asked as you ran your fingers through his hair. It was obvious that whatever it was that was bothering him had nothing to do with you since he had been so determined to get hard for you tonight.

"Everything is getting too much...You know? We don't get that much time off and when we do we're filming...I just-"

"Need a break?" You suggested as he nodded his head, slowly resting his head on your chest as your rubbed the back of his head gently trying to comfort him.

tagline: @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @rjsmochii @taestannie @sw33tnight @sweeneyblue1 @agustdjoon @jin-from-the-block @acciocriativity @mwitsmejk @taeechwitaa​ @justbangtanthingz​ @stillwithlix​ @kookiekuu​ @lolalee24​ @hopeworldd-2​ @totallynoanalien​ @yubinism​ @ethereallino​ @heyjiminnie​ @aerastus​ @tinyoonsblog​ @cherrybubblesandvodka​ @kimahnjung98​ @halesandy​ @snigdha-14​

[skz222]

5.55 (han jisung)

contains: fluff, scenario, full length chaptered story, sfw, jisung x oc, lee know x oc, changbin x oc, jisung pov

word count: 2.8k

Previous chapter 

Chapter 1.3

July 13th, 2022

12:12 am.

I can’t sleep. 

Let me just go on Twitter or something I guess.

Scrolling, scrolling. It makes me feel better to see what Stays post about us, and it’s almost like going through a scrapbook of memories and it makes me feel better about being awake in a completely dark room right now. It almost feels like I’m ignoring something. The whole room...really is this dark huh..

I’m not going to wake up Hyunjin or Chan right now just because I’m scared of the dark.

Hah.

Maybe if I listen to some music I can sleep peacefully this time.

I don’t know why I keep having the same dream over and over, it’s almost every night at this point. I don’t even know if it’s something I don’t want to happen anymore. 

A warm and familiar hand starts rubbing my back gently.

“Why are you up so early baby?”

“I had a bad dream again...” 

Her back rubs comforted me but I felt agitated, like I wanted to go somewhere. How long have I even been up for? What time is it? I swear it’s only been 20 minutes but I can see the sky turning dark blue from black.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Not now Eunji, baby. I just want to kind of be by myself right now.”

“Is it something about me?”

“No, I just need some time alone right now.”

“Okay...I have to go to work soon so I’ll be leaving first.”

“Alright. Have a good day. I love you.”

“I love you too!”

Leaning over, she puts her hand on my face for a kiss. It’s sloppy and full of morning breath, and for once I actually feel a bit grossed out. I’ve never felt that way before, not even about any of the members or anybody before. I just don’t think I want to kiss her anymore.

I’ll just wait until she leaves to write it down in my dream journal.

I watch her carefully as she silently changes into her work clothes in the dark, grabs her bag and shoes, phone and charger, and silently heads out the door with a wave and a smile. I smile back, but I’m not sure if I even wanted to or if it was just out of habit.

One, two, three, four.... beep beep beep.

She’s fully gone now.

I grab my journal from under the mattress, between the bed and the nightstand so it never peeks out. Flipping through the pages, I guess this one is the same as the last, like what, 15 dreams I’ve had but I can’t just not record it down right?

------------

June 6th, 2022

She’s late again huh....

5:55 pm

Two slices of cheesecake on my table, one for me and one for someone else.

Eunji walks in finally, and she looks hurried, like she just came from work - a bunch of bags in her hands. 

“I’m sorry I’m late baby! The stores were being difficult with your gifts so it made me late.”

“No don’t worry, I wasn’t waiting long.”

I hand her the bag on the floor next to me, just one big bag but it’s heavy. All of her bags are designer brands and mine was just a big mauve paper bag. 

“I know you really like these colors so I made sure to get one of each style in your best colors!” 

“Thank you Eunji, that’s sweet.”

“What is this? Oh my god are these the shoes I’ve been wanting for years? Hannie baby...that’s so thoughtful.”

“I’m glad you like it. I’m sorry it’s not as much as you got me, I just am more of a one, thoughtful gift kind of person, I guess.”

“I feel....bad Jisung....I feel like I wasn’t as thoughtful with my gifts.”

“It’s okay, I understand. I know sometimes, when you’re with someone for a long time, you do things that are easier because you have an understanding or a felling that that person will stay with you forever regardless or will love you the same regardless. I think a lot of people start treating the ones around them with less care and like they’re less precious as time goes on, because a lot of people only treat things that aren’t easily obtainable or accessible as precious or valuable rather than the things right in front of them. I understand that we all have “easy versus thoughtful” moments in our day to day life. It’s hard to ask you to be thoughtful for me in moments like this when I haven’t always been. It’s not a competition, but I understand it’s just hard sometimes.”

“You only talk like this, very touching and carefully, when you’re deciding on something big. Are you deciding on something important to you?”

“I guess I was just thinking out loud I guess.”

We sat and ate in silence. Well, I ate my slice, she just played around with it for a while. Sometimes I wish she’d just admit she doesn’t actually like cheesecake as much as me or nearly at all anymore, if she ever did.

Sometimes I wish she would just eat it at least a little bit just to humor me, if she’s not going to be honest with me about it.

I guess this is how our relationship is these days. Aren’t things supposed to be better and bubbly at least a little bit longer than a few months? I feel like things haven’t been genuinely the same for a while now. It just feels like the girl I used to think about wasn’t even real, or she changed so much that she’s like a different person now. 

I feel strange saying I loved her, or that I do love her. The girl I used to love isn’t the same and not even in a normal way that people change. I was always hesitant to say I love you because it never felt natural, even though I felt that way when she wasn’t around. 

It’s like she was really good at portraying an image of herself that she knew I would love and adore and cherish, but could never keep it up long enough for me to be completely fooled.

I’m not necessarily an owner, or a possessive lover. I value loyalty in my interpersonal relationships the most, and to me that means no flirting at all or anything past that. 

Today is our 200 day anniversary. I never made it this far in any of my younger relationships, which I think were just puppy love at best. I thought this would be something to look forward to, but I feel like I was actually dreading it for the past 100 days.

On our 100 day, she was late also. I prepared a really nice picnic date at our favorite park, one close to her parents house. I waited for 2 hours, I even called a few times and she never answered. Call me a fool, a puppy, whatever you have to, but I just ignored the feeling.

I went home, decided to take a shower instead. I try my best to be understanding and was worried that there was an emergency. After I showered, I went to her place and she was busy, on a phone call, with her guy friend. 

I didn’t really ask more than that, I just entered, heard them laughing and talking, and left. She apologized later, said she was caught up with an important conversation. I think that was the moment I knew she wasn’t the one for me.

I think I’m a stubborn person. I’m stubborn about love because I don’t want to fail, with friends I love or with people I love in general.

I don’t think I give my heart away easily, but I think I’m the kind of person that loves entirely and really trusts my instinct and intuition. If I feel something is right, I go for it and don’t hold back, so I think that is why I’m stubborn because I don’t want to think I was wrong.

I know these last 100 days weren’t spent in vain though, I just spent it figuring out myself. I was too excited to be able to date. Once the dating ban was up I think I just...became too hopeful and excited, I wanted to be with someone in that way so badly.

I wanted to have a romantic love and do all of those things I had been waiting to do. It was hard because I hadn’t been able to since I was a teenager, so I just kind of disregarded most of my logic and thoughts about waiting.

It’s not that I needed to love myself, because I got to spend those years doing that instead and I’m grateful, but I didn’t understand myself well enough. I didn’t understand why I was feeling that way, like I was “behind” everyone else. In my career, I’m ahead and I’m successful and I’m grateful.

I felt behind in life, like I had been too focused on my career and myself and finally I was able to give and receive this amazing new love. I was so excited that I didn’t take the time to see if it was actually something I needed or if she was the person for me.

I think that’s one of my faults. I rush things sometimes and stick to it, but what these past 100 days have taught me is that I shouldn’t be that way anymore. I have hindsight now, and I can see that sometimes things are karmic.

Sometimes things are a result of my haste. It’s okay to make mistakes in choosing people. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to change once you’ve seen the situation change or have new information about a person.

You can’t know everything off of a first meeting, and sometimes people make you see what you want to see.

________________________

July 13th, 2022

5:01 am

How is it already so late? I tried to write quickly...

I should read over it I guess, it kind of bothers me to have lots of errors-

Click.

?????????

Who is up right now?

Hyunjin beat me to it.

He got off the top bunk so fast I was almost sure he’d already been awake. Just casually getting off the bed, turning on the lights and opening the door.

I see someone leaving quickly, it’s another member? Right now? It’s barely light out...

Beep beep beep.

“Where is Minho going?”

“Huh...I don’t know, I didn’t think we had any schedules until at least 8 am?”

“We don’t....”

He looked confused but just shut off the light and climbed back to the top bunk.

I’ll quickly reread my journal before we have to start getting ready.

I had the same dream again last night. I was walking to the cafe, it was mid day but there were barely any people out for some reason. I was wearing a jacket even though it was hot, a cap and a mask. I went in and got my usual drink but wanted to grab a slice of cheesecake again.

There were only 3 other people in there, all girls. They were all minding their business, but were clearly friends. I look at the clock...

12:12 pm

I’m in no rush, but I can’t stop staring at the cheesecakes and pastries. I take off my hat and leave the mask. One of the girls came up to order another drink at the counter and another slice of cheesecake, she gets the strawberry one with extra strawberries. I look at her, but I can only see her chin and below.

She’s wearing her hair down, it falls just past her shoulders and is straight and black with a hint of purple. She has on a black tank top with an unbuttoned button up shirt over it, the shirt is white and short sleeved. She’s wearing light wash blue jeans and white tennis shoes. 

She’s laughing with the cashier, she said “Another one? You’ll never get tired of these huh?” and they laugh.

I smile at her, and I ask her for her name. She tells me but I can never remember it when I wak wake up. My drink and cheesecake are ready right afterwards, and I take them in both hands. She taps me on the shoulder and I turn around, I still can’t see above her chin, the dream will never let me. 

The light coming in from the windows is hitting her in the most beautiful way.

She asks me what kind of cheesecake I got, and I tell her mulberry.

“Oh! That makes sense. My Korean isn’t fluent yet so I couldn’t tell what that one was, thank you!” 

I smile and laugh, her voice and laugh, they make me feel something.

She turns around and sits back with her friends, at the table right in front of the register. She turns away as she sits down so I still can’t see her face, but I see the faces of her friends. They start laughing and this whole part is in slow motion.

Then I wake up. 

Why do I keep having this dream?

I used to feel bad that I kept having this dream when I started meeting Eunji, but then I remembered that I’ve been having this dream long before I knew her. Since when?

Flipping, flipping. 

No way...

Since July 13th, 2020?

Exactly two years ago?

Beep beep.

지금 바쁘니? 카페 빨리 와 <3 (Are you busy right now? Come to the cafe rn <3)

지금 왜???? 새벽엔??? (Right now? It’s early as hell??)

지금 다른 일을 있어...??? (U got something better to do?)

없어 (Nah)

그럼 빨리 와<3 <3 (Alrighty then get that ass over here <3)

아라써  (Yeah fine)

Why right now? Did he have an emergency and that’s why he left so early? I guess I do need a coffee..

-----------

Do I subconsciously dress this way to the cafe hoping I’ll meet her now? These past 100 days have been really sad for me just because I have that dream almost every night, especially since July started it’s literally every time. 

I feel kind of silly to be honest, maybe she isn’t even real. 

I don’t know why I’d dream of an imaginary girl, was I just that lonely? I don’t understand. 

The sun is coming out already, it feels so good to be in the sunlight right now. I feel so cold for some reason. 

Beep beep.

자기! 저녁식사!!!!! 같이 먹을래? 누나 사줄게 <3 (Babe do you want to get dinner tonight? My treat <3)

아, 스케줄 한이써, 미안. 보상해줄겡 (I actually have a schedule today I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you though.)

괜차나, 누나가 응원할게! (It’s okay, I’ll be cheering you on!)

I don’t even want to reply honestly..

Well I’m here finally.

I can see Minho and Changbin inside already..? With some random girls as well? They’re lucky it’s even too early for Dispatch to be out because there’s literally no one else here???

“Hey guys! Good morning!”

“Jisung! Come here come sit!”

“Ah thank you, I’m gonna order first!”

“Alright alright!”

“Can I get a hot milk chocolate with vanilla syrup and a slice of mulberry cheesecake please? Yes, thank you!”

“Hi, can I get another iced milk tea with a slice of cheesecake?”

“Of course ma’am, you don’t even have to order at this point.”

They’re laughing.

I look over, just not even thinking properly. I like her outfit, a black tank top with a white over shirt, jeans and some white shoes. Very pretty.

“Your food is ready sir!”

“Thank you very much! Hey scoot over so I can put my drink!””

Minho scooches over for me.

“Hey! I’m Ahyeon! Binnie told us a lot about you! This is Hyesoo and this is Hyojin!”

...Hyojin...

“Park Hyojin?”

“Oh? Do you two know each other?”

“No, I was just...guessing...”

The clothes, the barista interaction, this whole situation is almost exactly the same the time is off, the people, are you serious?

Did I only remember her name because Ahyeon said it out loud...

She’s still at the counter, her back turned and she’s just waiting, talking with the barista. She didn’t hear...

I should go home right now, I’m stinky I haven’t showered since yesterday, I’m wearing old clothes, I’m painfully nervous right now I feel like I’m not ready for this I don’t think I’ve ever felt my heart beating this loudly before am I going to pass out?

I get up abruptly and walk outside, ignoring everyone.

I should get ready for our schedule anyways, I’ll text them on the way back-

5:55 am.

“Hey hey hey wait up! Where are you going?”

[fauznfp]

My New Life

Alhamdulillah I have passed various obstacles, I have entered the Makassar State University. I didn't think I could go to college this year, I never studied seriously. At the beginning of the year I always said I had to study and change to prepare for my college entrance exams, but that never happened. I study not really but I always pray I can change. Then in January I got the SNMPTN quota. That is the report card or commonly known as the invitation line. But I thought I would (suicide) by taking a major that I couldn't possibly pass, because I'm a science student, I majored in social studies. And in March the announcement of the SNMPTN, of course I already knew the result, yup I didn't pass. I was a little disappointed and hurt, after all, I chose to major in political science and English literature which was not in accordance with my high school major. But there are my parents and older sister who gave the best way. After the announcement, I began to study harder. I really like history lessons, history is so much fun. But I don't think about it too much because I believe, Allah has arranged my life.

Then a few weeks later the month of Ramadan entered, because I am Muslim, my family and I are fasting, but this month of fasting is different, I began to study harder and I began to pay attention to my worship, because I believe that the sky's path is one of the ways I can enter. on my campus. On May 23, 2022, that was my exam, if I'm not mistaken at 11 I was already walking from the house to the Phinisi building. It was very stressful for someone like me. The day before the exam I asked for the blessing of my parents and older sister. In the cold exam room, and we can't look at each other, it's very uncomfortable. I mean we have to focus on the computer screen for over an hour and a half. But after the exam I went home with my father. Oh yeah, before exams I often asked my parents if I could enter a private college because I wasn't very confident. But when I came home, I was served very good food by my mother. It was a very happy day for me.

On June 23, it's time for the announcement, I'm really scared but I don't want to rush, I watched stranger things first, and I saw my class chat group, and thank God many of my friends passed, I'm very proud of them. Then I ventured to open my exam results, and .... I passed the English literature of the Makassar State University. WOW .. I was very surprised and did not expect. I immediately asked my sister, I sent my test results in my family chat group and my class chat group. wow ... my family and friends are very proud of the results, even though my best friend zulkifli did not pass, I was actually very devastated but I was very impressed by his courage and persistence in wanting to take a doctor's education. The next few days I ate with my friends Astrid and Sirin at Mcd. Then I took care of my college admission files, and I entered the group chat majoring in English literature. Now I've started to have many friends in my college, such as feira, nopal, mamat, aska, anya, aya, jaki, and others. They are very exciting hahaha, in 2 days I will carry out the university perspective at Phinisi, I hope the best for all of us. Bismillah Allah makes it easy.