#we don't hate our system
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Its entirely okay to be happy with being a system and we will never understand why that's so controversial
Why would we hate eachother when we know each of us is the reason we're still alive? We saved eachother! Ofcourse we're going to be pretty proud of that!
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#exactly anon we feel the same way#we don't hate our system#we just hate the bullshit symptoms of DID thanks to us having trauma and childhood neglect#being a system kept us alive#we are in our thirties and will be in our fourties in a couple of years#why hate the thing that helps you survive#why not enjoy it or be happy with it#pluralgang#plurality#mixed origin system#pro endo#pluralpunk#plural community#endo friendly#traumaendo#endogenic safe
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psst systems and plurals of all kinds, if you have fictives from books please say hi. we have, quite literally, only met a single system other than ourselves who had more than one fictive sourced from a book. well over 90% of our fictives (which make up 85% of our known collective of 550+ people) are sourced from books. please
#original posts#pluralgang#plurality#plural system#fictive#i don't care what books they're from just please literally anyone#i (Twitch) am partially sourced from Five Kingdoms by Brandon Mull (you'll recognize my name if you've read it i'm sure)#we have a few fictives from the Pantomime/Shadowplay/Masquerade trilogy#and a couple from Mask of Shadows#and most of our fictives come from our special interest book series#edit to note: we also have a couple from Lord of the Flies#(even though we fucking hated the book lmao)
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'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.
I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.
About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'
-Casey Plett, Consciousness
#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it#i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition#but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body#not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways#but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth#valuing and exploring and treasuring#i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible#but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body?#it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head#and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude#this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example#like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than#violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body#to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities#like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia#so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you#even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by#what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems#Casey Plett#she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her#this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger#i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial#she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies#that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era#it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it#i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience#said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip#personal nonsense
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Alloros will See romance repulsion and lovelessness and heartlessness and see it as an attack on romance. They will claim to be supportive of aros but caveat that with the requirement our support of romance in its current state rather than trying to understand the ways in which we have deconstructed amatonormativity
#I don't hate romance I hate how society frames romance and then forces it upon everyone#claiming that our detestment for those systems as homophobia because it means we must hate gay romance is completely counterproductive#I hate the assimilationist viewpoint of 'actually we still love like you'#and it makes sense that if you subscribe to that idea you'd think that deconstructions of amatonormativity are homophobic#aro#arospec#aromantic#actually aro#safeforaro#sorry I saw a post that didn't sit with me right#panda's post
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tumblr is really bad a politics actually. please don't form opinions about political systems on tumblr. oh my god. this made me literally blind with rage and confusion for a second there.
just because the mainstream democratic party has started using "threats to democracy" as part of its campaign strategy this election cycle doesn't mean this is untrue?? please don't let your hatred for mainstream democratic political messaging make you also hate that it has FINALLY cottoned onto the fact that the american right would like us to stop living in a multiracial democracy/pluralistic society. that is a good thing, actually. it's a good thing that mainstream politics are finally willing to acknowledge that one of the two major parties is only interested in trying to destroy the political system we live under, is only interested in shoving gravel down our toilets so they blow up.
we do actually have a democracy. it's not a total direct democracy. there are a shit ton of flaws in the system. this is in part because, in fact, it's a relatively young democracy! I agree with nikole hannah-jones' assertion that the u.s. has only been a democracy for real since the 1960s, when civil rights legislation Black americans fought and died for started going into effect.
which is why this moment, 60 years on, is so important. it's a radical stress-testing of a system that it's important to preserve so that we can continue to make more progress from this point. we have to prove that the system can work this way.
i get it. voting sucks. gerrymandering has backed so many of us into a corner. we've politically and legally incentivized imprisoning members of minority populations so that they can no longer vote. the supreme court actually gutted some of that legislation passed in the 1960s that made us into a real democracy, sending us into the period of backsliding that we're currently in.
do you know how many of the candidates I voted for in my last election won? zero. ZERO. every single one of them lost. I get it, okay? this all sucks! it makes you feel powerless! but you can't let that feeling win.
that feeling is a lie they're trying to sell you so that you give up. so that you stop fighting for the democracy we've got. "bourgeois democracy" get the fuck out of here. oh my god. shut up.
#you can't reblog this because i don't want to start a fight#but jesus FUCKING CHRIST. oh my god#shut up shut up shut up shut up#actually everything threatening to topple the curent semi-democratic system we have#is REALLY REALLY BAD#and you should be REALLY WORRIED ABOUT IT. ALL THE TIME#just because joe biden keeps saying it in his campaign speeches#doesn't make it untrue#i get it i hate him i also hate it here#but we have to take this all seriously#if you refuse to take threats to our current democratic system seriously#what replaces that system won't make you any happier!#in fact statistically it's more likely to make you dead#i might delete this later? but oh my god#filled with overwhelming rage actually#decisions are made by those who show up#and participate in the system we HAVE#not those who refuse to participate because it's not the system they WANT#KNOCKING OVER THE CURRENT JENGA TOWER OF OUR EXISTING RIGHTS#WILL NOT GIVE YOU MORE RIGHTS#IT WILL GET YOU FEWER RIGHTS
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Raleigh's big baby eyes were not just big because of the dimly lit bathroom (I had a low light setting turned on), he appears to have some reduced pupillary response. He's otherwise totally normal and he CAN see, so I'm not overly worried he needs attention for it right now, but it is concerning, so I will be calling the vet to see if they can work him in sometime in the next few days. I took a look at some recent pictures and it seems to have been going on for maybe a week and I just didn't really notice because there's so little light in this house.
I'm tired. Everything is vet visits and doctor's appointments and managing my symptoms and bothering clinics and the pharmacy and new things going wrong everywhere, and I still need to call my GP to make a telehealth appointment so he can refer me for ANOTHER appointment, after which I can have a THIRD appointment with the GP to discuss test results and see what fresh new hell THAT unleashes.
I really wanted to go to the local orchard's summer festival but there's so much going on that week so close together that I'm not going to feel up to it. And it'll be too hot anyway. I can't tolerate heat or sun anymore, thanks COVID.
Ugh.
#im afraid about a thing i have going on that they randomly found during an unrelated cardio scan in January#i don't think it's bad-bad as the doctor said we could just wait and see if it's still there or whatever in six months#but like if it WANTED to be bad-bad this would be a shitty and therefore likely time to do it#and id have dealt with it by now but other clinics wouldn't fucking let me do telehealth and those appointments were for MEDS#so i can't just not have them when the only other time is three months from now#i hate the way our system works and i hate the gatekeeping and the pointless repetitive meaningless appointments#that could be 5 minute phone calls or even totally avoided if they just answered the actual question i asked#I'm so so tired and i want to go home
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Okay but also because I'm a pedantic bitch...in relation to that post I just reblogged explaining part of gay-on-gay bigotry...what if some people are just assholes who happen to be gay, or bi or trans? And they're all for oppression or just plain cruelty as long as it's aimed at other people? Like that's also something to consider.
I don't actually think, any longer, that "internalized self-hate projected outward and also suppressed envy for someone who's doing and being all the things you were convinced into not allowing yourself" is...all there is to this phenonemon. And I wish we'd stop fixating on that quite so much just because we want to be frankly, nicer than some of these people have ever deserved. It's always more satisfying on some level, to imagine your enemies as Tortured deep inside (whether it's because you feel a bit malicious or you just want to believe that there's a way to reach out and heal them with kindness.) than to admit that Sometimes They're Just a Shithead.
Now, do I think that complex can be a big part of it? Oh yeah. And of COURSE, different people have different motivations in different amounts and yadda yadda yadda. No group of people, ethnic, gender, political or otherwise is a Monolith. (For one thing, when it comes to these Pick-Me Gay/Trans pundits and Influencers, money and clout should never be left out as an explanation. Just saying.) But that's the point, isn't it? Any ONE explanation can't explain them all completely.
Tbh, I think we need to consider some people are just bullies who happened to be born not cis or straight. And even if they were bullied at one point for their identity, they learned absolutely nothing from the experience except Don't Be On the Social Reject Side. So they moved their thinking just enough that "woman who likes women" "man who likes men" "I just happened o want to be a woman instead, or a man instead despite how I was born" could be put in the Safe category and they fight for that. Everyone else though, is still fair game and even a fair target. Some people don't just want power to escape oppression and live their lives in peace, they WANT to BE the ones oppressing. Like, do we ACTUALLY understand that LGBT people are humans too and that that includes the bad side?
It tracks a lot better too, when you consider that a lot of people like the masc4masc gays are openly racist and fatphobic. "No fems" Yes but also "No fats. No Asians." Christ, I could think of countless examples of white thin (and sometimes but not necessary cis) queer people doing that sort of thing. I'm sure y'all can too. This idea of some poor lost soul Tormented by Self Hate and Envy of the Freedom of Others doesn't do shit to explain that. Like, even if the two things coexist and they can, it doesn't explain that part.
I honestly just think the uglier but more accurate truth is that lot of queer people aren't all Hashtag Gay or Trans Rights or aren't Liberal out of any sense of justice AT ALL but only self-interest. Being an activist because you're a member of an oppressed group is like, entirely normal and fine of course BUT it becomes real clear when someone's framework of ethics and politics is PURELY "I think me (and people I personally like and approve of) being oppressed is bad" and literally not one inch deeper.
You can tell because if it was deeper, why would they find it so easy to turn around to a fellow queer/trans person to jeer at and humiliate and throw them under the bus if they think they're a Deadweight to the group by being a Weirdo I Don't Want to Stand Next to, Eww...or if they just don't personally like them? Why have you clearly spent absolutely no time unpacking any of the prejudice and biases around gender sexuality (or GOD FORBID race) that society throws at you.. at least no more time than it takes to rationalize yourself out of the category of Should Be Destroyed and Oppressed?
We are not immune from this sort of terminally self-interested activism. I just feel like we'd get a lot further as a society, as a community, if sometimes our analysis of bullies and assholes didn't fixate on finding some deep pain and trauma inside them, to explain their actions in a way that makes them look more tortured and less malicious (even if we say, even mean, that it's not supposed to be an excuse). Sometimes people are just racist, or fatphobic. Sometimes lesbians or gay men or bi or trans people just want to be judgmental bullies too.
Sometimes the reality isn't Tragic Villain Backstory. Sometimes, its just a selfish, deeply pathetic person refusing to become any less, because it's easier not to; even if you had a unique chance to see how the other side lives, a chance your straight cis bully peers didn't get by virtue of their identities.
#(same mentality as women who think every abortion is evil besides theirs. Freedom for me not for thee#ppl act like that's so shocking I used to. But now I'm just like...well have we considered Selfishness?#these women only rationalized and unpacked enough to make an exception for themselves.#and then actively refused to learn a thing from the experience. They carried on being as misogynistic as ever#judging all other women and claiming pregnancy is an appropriate punishment for not doing Everything Right#(except when its me). you can tell by that. They just happen to be misogynists with self-interest#human beings have an AMAZING ability to do all kinds#of mental gymnastics to believe things that contradict each other#we're not rational creatures. Accept this now and many more things will make sense this is an order. ANYWAY)#plus imo this Self Loathing theory fails to explain that not every feminine woman or masculine man#hates their gender presentation? Like yeah a lot of the makeup and diet culture is awful but#there are always gonna be ppl who want to dress a certain way regardless of societal pressure#making it exponentially harder to detangle where your Genuine Wants end and that begins.#the downsides of being social animals. And I guess I just don't know who's served#by pretending that's not a thing. The older i get the more i think we need to be careful before#our honest attempts to explain why peoole fight for systems/things that cause them trouble turn into infantilization#it's very possible to turn condescending and infantilizing going all Oh People Don't Know What's Best For Them#They're All Brainwashed. Give oppressed people the agency to be assholes too#plus it just leaves these ppl the opportunity to go I Don't Hate Myself#lmao loser.' Whereas 'you're just an asshole who doesn't care about anyone but yourself getting hurt'#is while not something they might be swayed by or care about a lot harder to refute.#we can't always know what goes on in people's heads. Going by their actions is helpful tho
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Is this fanfic friendly? I feel like an outlier.
I guess this is my sign it's time to throw together a FAQ post to link to lol.
Yes, every event for this blog is fanfic friendly :D
Though as I mentioned on my Ominous October post, for events that include multiple short stories, I encourage everyone to flex their creativity and take one of their planned short story fanfics, and at least *attempt* to turn one of them into something entirely original; rebuilding a character and story from the ground up to stand on its own two legs is no easy feat, and that is what makes it so fun!
It really gets your creative gears turning, to make an "au of an existing material" to be something entirely original, and you can be pleasantly surprised about the things you come up with!
As a few people say, its not just a matter of "filing the serial numbers off" -- you have to add in just as much *or more* as what you take out when you are turning a fanfiction into something that is original and completely divorced from its original source material / inspiration, and that is a hard, but very rewarding challenge!
Obviously, this is not a requirement (there's no hard requirements for any of the challenges, other than no cheating, including no using AI),
but if you would like an extra challenge for the short story events and you're planning on doing entirely fan-fiction, I highly recommend trying it out at least once, and seeing where it leads you--
you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by what you find down that rabbit hole!
#replies#novella november#long rambly tags to follow lol#including anti royalist / anti billionaire shit#ominous october#this is what my novella november is going to be#something that WAS a huge earth-shattering fanfic AU#but before I even got past a WIP Oneshot I'd already realized that what I was planning was going to turn canon so far on its head it would#be unrecognizable and it would be much better off and more coherent if I made it entirely original#so now it is!#not only does this involve changing every single characters name#everyone is now a completely different species other than human because thats always fun#and of course we're also tackling all the issues that had annoyed me in omega verse fics since I was like 14 and liked the#creature aspects but hated the biological essentialism and misogny / caste systems#if your fantasy people have an enforced caste system you gotta actually treat that like the horror and systemic oppression it is#not just say 'biological = right' like dude what do you think people have been saying about real women this whole time????#people literally insist women are biologically inferior to men do you really think supporting that idea is going to make you sound#progressive just because your main character is a tomboy independant woman?#also like she lost all her independence as soon as she found a man to marry so uhhhhh#what happened to being ready and willing to hit the bricks if people kept talking down to you and condescending you for being a woman????#why did you go from independant badass tomboy to fainting damsel who spends all her time worrying about failing to produce an heir#so her husband can take power#instead of just straight up telling your husband#'hey I don't want to deal with the bullshit from your father how about we do the-#- socially acceptable thing and just go off to make our own independant settlement with some of the villagers who are on your side'#like your husband would literally be escstatic about this idea of finally getting out from under his dad's tyrannical thumb#and its more like way more than half the villagers would go with you not just a handful#theyve been sick of the kings shit for years and only your husband's potential rise to rule kept them in check#cus he actually cares about the villagers and goes among them#while still clearly having some biases to work through when it comes to class and gender equality
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I'm working on a fic and was like 'how in the hell do you make LINGUANG JUN the least bit redeemable?'. I mean, /Linguang jun/ who tossed a developmentally four year old Mobei Jun to a pack of humans? The kid could have died. And then I saw a translation of the extras. It describes lgj as mbj's 'young uncle', says that he 'wasn't that much older than him (mbj)'. And I just- its a hell of a lot different, a Scar type tossing his nephew to the proverbial wolves than it is for a maybe dumb, maybe petty, maybe developmentally five or six year old to shove their annoying technically-nephew-who-in-age-and-context-is-more-like-a-brother-than-lgj's-actual-brother into a situation that the text implies was more frightening than actually /dangerous/. And that- well I can work with that.
#Yeah yeah yeah I know in text he doesn't have anything going for him#And maybe the translation i found is not perfect#But its what I'm going with#And I think its more compelling than 'I hate your dad and so I hate you'#And what the fuck is svsss about if not deepening the complexity of easily-written-off characters anyway?#Svsss#Mobei Jun#Linguang jun#Scum villain#Scum villains self saving system#Honestly I even like my version better than the 'mbj senior stole lgj's wife' story#Which I think is fanon anyway#But then I have five siblings and we spent most of our childhoods trying not trying to kill each other#And yeah uhuh a nice thoughtful person would feel bad for endangering their sort of little brother#But a person from the world and not from a morality tale (especially a little kid) would more likely grow resentful#And dig in their heels that they'd done nothing wrong and why was little bro such a crybaby anyway he doesn't even deserve to be king#It just makes sense to me in a way that other versions of it that I've read don't#Don't bug me if you don't like the translation#I'm working on fanfiction not on getting canon reprinted
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aight I'm pissed
#⛪.martyr#vent#man#it's really really fucking unfair#that Homelander just gets blatantly excluded in system social spaces#like#people claim to have a super healthy “don't hate introjects for their sources” mentality#but they never apply it to him#and it's super frustrating#because other (arguably more “problematic”) introjects never seem to face this treatment#it's just him#and it's fucking unfair#because he's done a lot for the system in terms of keeping us safe and taking on a lot of trauma and harm bodily#and he seriously just wants an opportunity to be social#but he always gets this weird judgemental reaction from people#it's not fucking fair and we see it every day#frustrating as fuck#and sad#because really the worst he ever did was bleach our hair and drink all the vodka#you /cannot/ hold him accountable for source#that's fucking retarded
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sometimes pro endos and anti endos should just. chill. interact. don't limit yourself to only interacting with people with morals that are 100% the same as yours. everyone's all "no one is perfect" until the imperfection is that they don't agree with you on something. like no actually flaws aren't just skills people aren't good at, they're also moral things
tl;dr just chatting with people who disagree with you is ok and not everything is about syscourse
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#sorry anon have to disagree#we as a system refuse to talk to people who actively deny the existence and experiences of others who dont fall into their view of them#if an anti-endo talks shit about mixed origin systems we wont bother talking to them#our spouse is mixed origin and at that point they're insulting someone close to us#so no as a pro-endo system i refuse to speak with anyone who invalidates and fakeclaims anyone who doesnt fit their narrow views#on who is a system or not#if i meet an anti-endo in real life and they spout of nonsense we will walk away from them#like you act as if this is easy to do#its not and will not be because anti-endos are directly hating others for existing#nope sorry cant see this ever happening#makes me think you're secretly an anti-endo because you left out how they are hateful to others they don't agree with#just look at their hateful ass tags#like “endos fuck off” “endos not for you” “endos aren't real”#also this post is not an ok for anti-endos to start spamming asks because we will delete them#so yeah no not happening#endo friendly#plural community#pluralgang#plurality#pluralpunk#pro endo#mixed origin system#traumaendo#endogenic safe#syscourse
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my boss telling me there's an easier way to do something after she bothered IT when the way they showed her was exactly the same I did??? AND she completely did not absorb an important nuance about the data until IT told her (even though I mentioned it SEVERAL times)
#i hate being a woman in tech#shit like this happens all the time. IT is either doing the exact same shit i do or doing it WORSE bc it's a bunch of old men#me: you just need to add the state filter#her: look at this much easier way to get the data!#the data: exactly the same but it has the state filter??????#girl i was trying to build you a template you can use instead of doing it from scratch every time!!! I WAS TRYING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASY#anyway it's incredibly frustrating sometimes to know more about our system than IT#bc i just have to sit there and hear them be like 'oh we figured out this new thing' and i'm like miles ahead already#training us on stuff like bro i BUILT this at my last job. please.#i guess it's bc of data integrity. i am always explaining the issues w the data as well and they don't wanna hear it#sigh. i need a fuckin snack
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The Simply Plural app recently updated to have a chat feature. We don't talk about our plurality much on this blog, but we know we have plural mutuals who might be interested to know if the chat feature is any good.
Ky himself is rarely able to wake up alone before 10am, and those of us who wake up before him usually have a hard time figuring out who's actually up front. We made a chat channel on Simply Plural called Roll Call to help solve that. We used avatars that felt like they might be correct and asked "is this me" in chat until we were able to answer. It was slightly clunky, but it worked much better than stumbling around internally and trying to figure things out. The external visual of the chat helped us a lot.
If you don't have someone who can ask you who's fronting when you get confused, or you prefer working things out amongst yourselves but need some help, then this feature could be helpful to you as well. Being able to speak with each other externally can also just be... nice, sometimes.
All in all, we haven't used this feature much yet but we like it so far. We recommend plural mutuals try it out if they want!
#not writing#plurality#plural talk#sonder system#sonders speak#these names mean nothing to you but#Lia and Kiiu are up front#Ky is a fairly permanent fixture up front#but he is not awake yet#he's working on that#also other plural tags#endo safe#did/osdd#we're a self-dx osdd system#we support all systems of all kinds#as long as they aren't exclusionist or hateful#which is part of why we don't talk about our system much#don't want to get involved in syscourse#we know where we stand#it would be exhausting to have to reiterate that again and again#and sad to see hate toward any plurals or systems in general#but we really do think this chat feature is worth posting about#roll call is so useful for us#it's a whole new resource#so cool
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"Biden is the best choice and he's actually really empathetic and reasonable but also you can't wait for a candidate that won't do genocide and war crimes because to become a presidential candidate you have to be willing to do that" see what you fundamentally don't understand is I'm not waiting for a candidate that won't do war crimes, because I know that. I cannot morally stomach this system, it's a joke to claim its democratic, and AMERICA DELENDA EST. this country is a plague on this Earth
#cipher talk#It's baffling because okay so you know how fucked up this is but you're behaving in a way that clearly indicates you want that this shambli#Disgusting empire to cling to life until after you're dead because it'd make /you/ uncomfortable and inconvenienced#To live through its destruction (the wealthier classes and more privileged experience lesser material changes in state collapse so long as#They aren't too highly ranked/involved in politics. A Sri Lankan wrote an article specifically addressing Americans about this)#It's so dehumanizing! People's blood is so cheap to you! You've just accepted its inevitable that genocide will happen!#Because of how the US operates! You can see no other future! It hardly matters to you!#You say this like the death of Palestinians of Yemenis of Syrians is someone else's dropped ice cream cone#You understand why people hate this country and you understand we deserve it but it just. Hardly matters to you#It feels like madness to watch this. It's disgusting#I keep thinking- it'd be so easy for you to justify my people being killed if violence broke out and it was in your favor#It's unlikely because. Well. America loves 'the church of the martyrs'#But you'd do it if that was favorable. You wouldn't think twice. You might feel a twinge in your heart but that's all#Because we aren't people to you!#We aren't all that important! Not important enough for you do anything more than 'well let's vote a blue in and do some protests'#What's a protest worth if you perpetuate the system and can't see a way out and don't try for a way out?#That's killing a man then putting flowers on his casket. It's /perverse/.#You get used to the idea that Africans die that West Asians die and that's just the way of the world. My g-d do you understand anything??#I watch necrosis take hold my parts of my culture and I watch every good person I know be ground to dust under a military regime#I talk to my friend who got drafted and is trans and may never come out because if they do they can get arrested as a 'prostitute'#I watch the wild hope for the future I was introduced to over radio at 9 years old wither#I watch people risk it anyway because just past the fence they can see they know there are people there#I watch my neighbor to the south crumble and weep because our hands are bloody and it's in part because we bloodied them for the west#And you just think that's how things are.#Fascist white death cult mindset
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vege guy is so funny though. when we went to the capital to stay at his mom's place he was like "it's like. it's like a nice place. like. maybe. a little bit... bourgeois... ummm (staring at me with big wet eyes) are you going 2 break up with me..."
#just thinking thoughts...#it WAS like. very nice. and it made me realize I couldn't even conceptualize the true vision of karasuma's apartment#because it's getting filtered through my life experiences of which do not include. gestures. That#they had a magnetic contraption attached to the mirror and it would hold your soap... like soap bars get soft if they sit in water right.#so there would be a magnet in the soap and a magnetic holder on the mirror... so the soap wouldn't be touching anything and trapping moistu#I couldn't even conceptualize of things like that man.#and like. they had a specialized air filtration/circulation system????#and there were so many things that were electronified...#there was a huge screen that would cycle slowly between different artworks that was also a television.#like it was huge huge. erm. erm. erm. if it was on the floor instead of the wall I could probably lay down and not touch the edges#YEAH IT'S BASICLALY THE SIZE OF A SINGLE BED...#and like everything was just. nice. I don't know how to describe it.#Every single piece of kitchenware felt hand-picked. everything was just nice. it was insane#like the thing is that my dad hit it big on the stock market but it still never felt like we had that#like it felt like all our cups were things college students left behind or shit we got at events#and like mom was like 'yeah I actually hate our couches lol... you sink too far into them :/'#i dunno it was also that it was just such a clean place#zero hoarding.#and like THAT to me is really it. THAT to me signals they have money because they don't have to hold onto every little thing#because if you need something... you could just buy it. again.
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i feel like half of my posts are just hidden from other people's dashes bc like 80% of what i post is just not seen by anyone
#and i hate feeling like im begging for attention#i hate making posts like this#its just i get. really scared. like im either doing something wrong or i just suck or im not fun#i hate feeling alone and isolated it's. one of my worst fears#and i don't know what to do in these situations#i hate feeling like i have to constantly remind people i exist at all it scares the hell out of me#but also i feel horrible and stupid for just crying about nobody liking my stupid fucking posts#i don't use any other social media this is the only place i interact with people so this is kind of all i get#and i started posting more bc i thought maybe if i just do that I'll get something#but it feels like every note i get is solely for that one popular post i have and nothing else#i dont like. need comments or reblogs just like. idk. seeing the 0 notes makes me feel invisible like i never posted#i feel like exactly 5 people ever interact with me and even then it's only on a few posts#am i doing something wrong? did i break some unspoken rule i didn't know about again? i don't know#am i just annoying#i#i just#we've been so so blurry lately and we keep begging for people to talk to us so we don't forget our system completely#because we don't keep track of this stuff without external motivation so we need to talk about ourselves to someone#we lost our only system irl bc they turned out to be a predator and now we have nobody to talk about system stuff to#i just . want a friend to talk to#i just want to talk to anyone
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