#was just thinking abt how grateful i am
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I hate working but I love having a job bc I can buy my siblings any random little thing they want and it heals some inner part of me because I remember when we were in really hard times when my siblings were too young to remember, we were barely scraping by and couldn't spend money on ANYTHING just to be able to have food on the table, and now even though we would still fall under the "poor" category, it's so much better than it used to be, and MY money can be put towards all the random extra luxuries without burdening my parents and it just makes me so happy to see we've come so far and are, in every sense of the word, thriving
Like!!! Juice??? Just a few years ago we could never ever have juice because we couldn't afford it. Now? I get to bring home juice for everybody every week!!! We have juice with our breakfasts!!! It just makes me so happy that for most of the time we can afford to live comfortably (for our standards anyways, I've met people who would disagree I guess but we don't need a lot to be happy)
#the lunch meat and cheese situation#we used to never have that#but now? the meat and cheese drawer is rarely empty anymore!!!#working in a grocery store was the best decision i ever made#what can i say#im a family man#i was born to provide for my family#was just thinking abt how grateful i am#my brother just asked me earlier if i could pay half for a game he wanted and i said No Sir#i will buy the whole thing AND these extra content packs that go with it and you will sit here and get to enjoy it freely#because i love you#christmas... christmas is the time of year my heart feels the most full because#we're just so happy#we all scrape together all our dollars to buy meaningful gifts for each other and#it's just so sweet#it doesnt matter to us what the presents are#all that matters is that we love each other#and that we get to fuck up some wrapping paper#ANYWAYS IDK WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS I JUST AM HAPPY WITH WHERE MY FAMILY AND I ARE AT RIGHT NOW
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i love ryomina
no but seriously. even when i’m thinking about other things that captivate my interest, i find myself coming back to them and feeling like i fell down three whole flights of staircases every time i do. they are one of my favorite pairs in media and are very special to me.
it’s the way that ryoji and minato’s lives are inevitably intertwined with each other due to the circumstances 10 years ago on the moonlight bridge. without no minato, there is no ryoji. minato as he is today is because of ryoji. they have irreparably affected each other’s lives that you cannot discuss one without bringing up the other one.
ryoji mochizuki, who is death, pharos, thanatos, nyx avatar, the man of many names and identities, is the perfect summation of p3′s messages and themes.
minato arisato, the wildcard and protagonist, who has boundless kindness in his actions despite the unfortunate cards handed to him.
the two of them complement each other and tell a beautiful story from start to finish.
minato’s personas capture this perfectly. he awakens to orpheus, who’s flames burns bright, is snuffed out by thanatos during the encounter against the arcana magician. a visual precursor of the idea that ryoji stole from the life that minato could have had.
it’s the way that over the course of the game as minato interacts with pharos, talking throughout the dark hour, forging a bond that cannot be broken, that allows ryoji to exist. minato humanizes death.
november. the bells toll, calling the appriser. and yet, it’s peaceful... quiet, and full of life. ryoji, who breaks free from death’s chains, refusing his role, is given the chance to live for a month. to make the most of the humanity that minato has given him over those ten years. and what a life he lived. ryoji’s life is a reflection of what minato’s life could have been like in another universe.
it is the way the two of them are reflections of each other. ryoji with his hair down is just like minato. they are both stubbornly committed to choosing to be kind, to love life, yet are chained down by the cards the narrative dealt them with. they finish each other’s sentences, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else does.
how is that, a boy who lived for only one month, profoundly changes the course of the narrative? he is simultaneously relevant and irrelevant. blink, and you miss it, the beautiful life that he led.
ryoji is horrified at the revelations of being the appriser. he who so desperately wished to forget that his existence was meant to bring the end to all life, was unable to escape the inevitability of death. in a non-human way, of course. he becomes remorseful. a shadow of his brief time as a human who was enamored by the small beautiful things that life had to offer.
he is swallowed by grief. grief knowing that his very existence will take away not only minato’s life, but everyone else’s. the very thing that ryoji loved- life, fundamentally went against the role he was born for- to be the harbinger of death. and unable to grapple with this sadness he believes that the best thing for minato to do is to kill him, so that SEES can live in bliss not knowing about their inevitable end.
SEES is left rattled, calling into question what the meaning of life is and what they do when faced against the inevitability of death.
and!!! minato chooses!! for ryoji to live!! even in spite of what ryoji is MEANT to embody, minato still stubbornly chooses to defy death itself! and if that’s not cool i don’t know what is!! minato wants everyone to have the chance to live!!
so he climbs. he ascends tartarus, to meet ryoji, again, who is now the nyx avatar. and i just think there’s something so so beautiful about being able to use messiah, minato’s ultimate persona, against nyx avatar.
messiah, being the fusion of orpheus and thanatos is peak ryomina to me. because ryoji and minato have established an unbreakable bond from having been entwined for 10 years, minato still has a piece of death with him, and by proxy!! ryoji is able to defy and rebel against nyx trying to bring the fall! and i think that’s fucking cool shit if you ask me!
even when all of the arcanas have been gone through, it’s still not enough to stop the fall. and yet. minato knows. in the way that ryoji was sealed in minato 10 years ago by aigis... minato becomes the great seal so that everyone can live. it comes full circle.
march rolls around. he fulfills his promise to SEES on graduation day. minato dies from exhaustion. but goddamn does his sacrifice make me weep- he’s had such, such a tiring journey. he’s been through so many things because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. but at the end of it all, he’s reunited with ryoji in death.
and i think this is why ryomina continues to evoke so much emotions for me, to this day. the relationship that they have embodies so much of persona 3′s messages and themes that it makes me feel like a microwave with nothing running in it.
p3′s message is very hopeful, for me. my favorite takeaway from it is that even if death is inevitable, appreciating the life that we were given and choosing to live as best as we can with kindness (even if we can’t feasibly do everything), is just? really nice? and you see this manifest in both ryoji and minato’s personalities and what they do for the other characters.
ryomina just feels so distinct to me, the flavor that their relationship ties back to my favorite takeaways from this game and im just!! god!! i love you minato arisato! i love you ryoji mochizuki! im so glad that i could meet them! i’m happy that they changed my life! they made me want to appreciate the connections in life even if they were fleeting! they made me!! want to pay attention to the good moments in life and cherish them!
i love ryomina so much!!! i’m so glad that these two could bring so much joy into my life! and i hope that others can have this joy too! 💛💙
#lizzy speaks#persona 3#ryomina#ryoji mochizuki#minato arisato#meta#long post#(literally)#HI SO UM YESTERDAY I COULDN'T FUCKING SLEEP so to cope i was like 'i will talk out loud about anything and everything'#and somehow that turned into me talking about ryomina out loud and something about verbalizing my thoughts made me feel crazy about these-#two again. i mean for the record i continue to love them always very dearly but like my p3 braincells sometimes go into hibernation bc-#ive been on a really huge splatoon kick. but anyway my voice was like cracking at 3am because i was tearing up#i was like 'THE!! IM! SO NORMAL ABT WHAT ORPHEUS AND THANATOS AND MESSIAH SYMBOLIZE' etc etc etc#so i kinda just went to sleep like 'ok well you GOTTA type it out. everyone needs to know about this.'#and um i didnt mean to make 1069 words! sorry! not really! but i love them!!! even if im very quiet these days!#ohhh how lucky i am to have had the chance to experience ryomina they are such a gem. they make me so goddamn emotional#they really mean a lot to me because of well. (gestures at the entire post) but also they came at a really good point of my life and FUCK!!#im so so grateful to them!!! i love them!!!! the themes that their relationship and characters convey just !! IM SO NORMAL ABOUT IT!!!#they've affected me so profoundly and deeply and i wish i could make better art to get this across. but its ok. one day i can. one day#they make me so fucking talkative like actually but um. i had a lot of fun writing this! i dont think ive had like. a proper appreciation-#post for them that articulates why i like them so much (unless you count the essays i write in my art tags) so it was nice to make this.#admittedly theres a lot abt p3 that im rusty on since its been a goodwhile since ive interacted with the source material#and in a way you could say that like. i need to renew my p3 license LMAOOO but god some parts of p3 still have such a huge death grip on me#and what i mean by that is that the big Fucking Events have such!! clarity!! in my mind!! i recall them and i wilt on the spot!!#oh god i cant fucking shut up. the tags are probably 500 words long. enjoy my ramble. i wish every ryomina enjoyer a Good Life <3#actually no. i hope that EVERYONE on the dash today has something that sparks joy for them the way ryomina does for me.#everyone deserves 2 have something that makes their brain do a little excited dance that makes them blow up and explode. its good for u!#BYE FOR REAL this is why i have to post my thoughts very spread out otherwise yall would have so many WORDS on ur dash pls help i have so#many emotions and i am so tiny i cannot possibly fit all the feelings i have about ryomina and other things inside my tiny little body
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:c
#i luv my friends ;-; i feel like i’m gonna lose my mind when i’m not living right by all my friends lmao 😭#i’ve literally been hanging out w ppl like at least every other day if not every day#we made semi spontaneous plan to go to pride tmrwwweww 🥹🥹 i’m excited#i just am so happy that i get to spend sm time w ppl rn bc we’re all somewhat free bc summer 😭#also idk i was just thinking abt this recently but like#it’s kinda new to me to like actually be comfortable/confident in knowing my friends want/like my presence ;-;#even then i’m not that confident LMAO bc after sm time together i’m like surely they’ll get sick of me#like we’ve seen each other every day the past like three days#but no 🥹 ugh like idk man i had one elementary to sort of middle and high school friendship#that like fucked me up i feel like lmfao 💀#like girl sidelined me so much for other friends that i just#:l and cried so much bc of that 😀 anyway 😀#so like idk i’m just so grateful rn 😭😭😭#also was thinking abt it recently bc my mom made me feel judged/ made me feel like she was annoyed that i was staying here on campus#when i technically don’t need to and my main/only reason is bc friends#and after that conversation w her i got kinda annoyed bc i was like#i have had so many conversations w you where i was sad af or frustrated that my friends wouldn’t reach out to me ever#or my friend who never paid attention to me when other friends were around#like i don’t think she’s actually judging like me staying for friends but it was that one conversation we were both kinda annoyed idk#and i was just like . pls#anyway 😀 i always have so many friend thoughts i always be overthinking it LOL#anyway anyway i need to be up in like 6 hrs LOLLLLLL pride tho yay 🥰🥰🥰#rip me not having clean cute clothes for this LOL 🤪#ong last yr i tied my hair in a ponytail w like rainbow hair ties tied down the ponytail……#idk if i have those but if i do maybe i should do that again LOL#idk might be too lazy tho we’ll see how much time i have to get ready when i wake up 🤡#jeanne talks#TOO MUCH BYE
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insider scoop on mars’ personal life: in my public speaking class our final is a persuasive speech and i’m doing why you should allow yourself to become obsessed with something. this is just part of my draft but i’m literally giving myself an opportunity to yap abt aaron 😭😭
the opps will say i’m too silly (also yall reference :3)
#this is mars off the cuff#i am genuinely really glad i got back on tumblr#on twt i didn’t always feel seen when i got to talking abt specific interests of mine#and also the fact that i’m always shadowbanned on there and i genuinely do not know or understand why#my stuff never got any reach on there#but here it’s a lot different. a better different#like i get a notification from here and i deadass get a little excited#it’s always a moment of omg someone actually sees what i post. AND they liked it enough to engage with it in some way#i can’t say how grateful i am for that#even if the act of liking a post is low effort in of itself but it means a lot to me#just bc i always think i’m mindlessly yapping#but yall make me feel seen. and you guys are so cool. like So cool#you guys are amazing. i can’t say it enough#it may not seem like it but it means the world to my gay little hyperfixated heart#so thank you for seeing me <33
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i havent even thought about what starter im going to choose omg... i don't think i have any preferences towards type, i usually just end up liking pkmn based on vibe and aesthetics LMAO, and I've never played any game except for platinum (and I haven't even finished my first playthrough of it....) so i have zero experience in choosing starters,,,, THIS IS EXCITING
#choosing to be excited abt this rather than stressed fhdkdl#i like how litten looks but i dont rly like incineroar#actually i dont know if i rly like any of the third evolutions of the starters#okay wait actually i take it back. i just looked and the third evo of rowlet is fun#im so sorry to incineroar likers and primarina likers 😭#incineroar looks silly to me and primarina just annoys me DBFJDML its calls in the anime were rly grating on my nerves after a bit 😭😭#rowlet in its first evo doesnt appeal to me a whole lot tbh which is funny bc now that i look at its evo line i rly like the others#but rowlet itself is just kind of ... shrug. like it looks very polite but it doesnt have any sort of Spark to it yknow?#its just a polite looking orb fjdksl#which is perhaps the charm of it but i feel like its an orb w a bowtie and its very plain fjdksl#theres not a lot of ✨Personality✨ to its appearance#WHICH IS PERHAPS RICH COMING FROM ME. THE INFAMOUS PIPLUP ENJOYER. DNDKSL#i think im gonna go w rowlet though which is funny bc thats the one I thought i Wouldn't be going with#i like popplio and litten in terms of design way more but i just dislike both their third evos too much to choose them 😭#WAIT WHY DOES ROWLET HAVE TWO TYPES#I THOUGHT ALL BASE STARTERS ONLY HAD ONE TYPE??? HUH??#okay anyways i gotta stop chattering djdksl i am sitting outside i should not be looking at my phone LMAO im gonna do some sketching#yall... im choosing another bird pkmn as my starter.... i fear i may be developing a pattern of some kind LOL#dandy.cmd
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚#i think abt this a lot. and also a lot of other ffxiv stuff LMFAO#it's amazing ..... drk is a huge example of this i think#bcs it plays into the guilt and whatnot the wol feels and all that. spectacular#endwalker !!!!! shadowbringers!!! the way the game uses the concept of hope is just always so beautiful and fascinating to me#and yeah bunch of games may have like. mc you create & design but not always can you like. ehvejfhsjf idk how to explain LOL#it is 4 pm i woke up 2 hours ago but priorly woke at 7 am after havingn a rlly. weird sleep.#to which my twin told me 'i wont tell u what time it is' as we went to sleep so it def was Really late#bcs we were going thru re2 and she was also playing games on steam i've been telling her to play#(to which i got her fav characters right and knew fr how'd she'd like the game LMFAO. twins amiright.)#actually that is also smth so fascinating to me bcs. i always have had someone w me in my life. i am literally never alone.#to which what i'm getting at here is Wow... it's like having a sleepover every single day. and i was a kid always sad never to have#sleepovers bcs my parents were strict (they r cool tho!) but i was a kid who wanted to experience all the kid things#but i didn't rlly but that's fine :P i am a grateful person LOL anyway back on track back on black#ffxiv... the game that u are.....#it's the 1st game that rlly actually made me invested in the ocs of others and also make a fully fledged oc that wasn't just originally mine#but for a fandom or something. and also it got me back into writing and Into making poetry and prose so. yeah.#it's amazing how much. oc x canon ???? yeah. ffxiv is so Wow#like eveyrhhting w themis or graha and how u can AAGGGHHH shit w your oc . so many possibilities#and that character. those possibilities. are already in game but also expanded by the player and the fanbade and#idk it's so beautiful to me WHAGHSGDJDH. and yes me saying themis or graha up there is self-indukgent bcs#both of them are so Insane it's so. insane!!!!! i will never forget what happened in abyssos in particular that Broke me#and anabaseios... :)) i cried so much it is almost embarrassing. and wow. asphodelos. wverything w themis just. yeah#anyway graha... self-explanatory if u know..... idk he's the character of all time to me. simply said. but themis is crazy bcs going thru ab#yssos made me think for a bit 'hey themis might be my fav character in ffxiv now' but No but also Wow. wow#kinda cute bcs me and my twin have a thing where she has a certain type of chara she likes and me too#so sometimes. most times. all times. we have our own characters we like anyway but sometimes they overlap but either the case we kinda#lowkey 'segregate???' idk if that is a good word but we do that w our fav characters. so like emet is her fav elidibus is mine.#and that was all the way in arrr alr and we barely knew spoilers so that's kinda crazy! anyway
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so update on my life. Since I've cut out the person that was shit for me I'm now witnessing them go from making jabs against me on their priv to totally shutting up & Freaking Out when our (formerly) mutual friend I'm in cahoots with blocked them as well. Freaking out so much to the point that they contacted them to try to sort things out... Via their persona twitter roleplay accounts with the //ooc tag and everything.
Wild. Anywya I just ate udon noodles for lunch and had a haircut so I'm doing p good in comparison
#one of these jabs against me and the one that spurred the friend to get pissed off enough to finally block them like i did#was about a Frozen song. soooo. u know I'm grateful they arent my friend anymore#as i said they totally wrote me off as unimportant despite how much we went through together#but then they finally took shit seriously when my friend showed them that they were calling it quits on them to. really says a lot#one of the funniest parts abt. the fucking rp twitter account shit was my friend wasnt blocking them on main#so theyre just fucking crazy here#as i said. after knowing all this. im thinking uhhhhh. i am doing p darn swell in comparison.#i still have my pride intact and everything#ranting#its not rlly ranting but i dont want to put this in my gen text post tag
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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i just wanna say this since it's chan day but like he is one of the big reasons why i decided to be a producer! before i got into skz i used to write songs and i wondered what it would be like to have songs with good production out into the world and then i got into groups like svt and skz who have members who self produce and seeing contents of them producing and explain why they did the songs that way made me want to actually do it! i ulted stray kids for years and seeing chan talking about producing and how he made songs for 3racha and then also for skz always made me think wow this guy is so cool! like honestly his talent it's what made me bias him in the first place and to know that years later i finally am starting my journey as a producer it means a lot to see him evolve and then also make music for others i am just very thankful for him always because of this
#i am at the very beginning of my journey! it's crazy how it has been#a year since i did start producing#i hope i just get better and eventually make it out there#i always talk about it here#but yeah especially today i am thinking abt how#grateful i am to chan as a fan and as someone who wants to be#a producer and an artist#so yeah i just wanted to share this... kinda long tmi djgkd#tris.txt
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about to plug away more on some comms now but this month's base wips are up for a vote now on patreon! this month ended up being fluffy shrimps and i had fun coming up with the ideas 83c
#not the species though i didn't even know that was a thing when i made the initial poll#and i think mine are distinct enough to not get yelled at abt it i just wanted to draw shimps that were furry#cuz i was inspired by the super cute fluffy buggies that another artist i follow draws 83 !!#anyways!!#obligatory ->#self promoting tag#patreon plug#i get kinda nervous posting stuff like this tbh bc i don't want to be annoying about it#esp bc i am MORE than grateful for all the support i get just liking and reblogging my stuff!!!#but i get excited to share the things i do on there so in case people are interested!! plus it helps me be able to do more stuff!!#so if you read my tags ever and you like my art but get annoyed by stuff like this nd wanna avoid seeing it#i almost always tag it w/ self promoting tag#and patreon stuff w/ patreon plug#so u can block it that's understandable!#(edit cuz i just wanted to clarify:#I found out abt them when i was looking up shrimp ocs for extra insp bc i already knew how i wanted to do them BUT#wanted to see how other ppl did the shell portion of the back area cuz that was tricky to decide for me if i wanted to include it or not#so i saw them and went 'ah whoops oh well mine's different and it's not a species just a lil fluffy shrimp beastie')
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what WAS the normal child response to learning abt climate change actually. bc I’m pretty sure ‘depressed for at least 6 months and becoming deeply fascinated by apocalypses for ~3 years’ was prooooobably not it but who am I to say
#did NOT realise how much this has shaped me actually#also am not exaggerating when I say depressed I. cannot remmeber a lot of it but my parents were Worried about me#anyway I joke abt how I’m a biologist now bc of pokemon and that is very true but this is probably a pretty big chunk too#it’s just wild like that happened when I was 11 and I was DEEEEEP in the apocalypse trenches until I was at least 14#I think I wrote my first longish story when I was? 13? about waking up after some massive chunk of time to a world with no people left#that concept rlly held onto me for some reason. just all the people suddenly disappearing#I’m saying all this like I’m not still rlly into apocalypse stories but it is a mere shadow of its former self#anyway I’m so grateful for the conservation module I took this year bc learning abt the state of everything + the way out of it#scientifically instead of piecemeal from the news and the shit I could read abt. has been rlly good for my everything honestly#didn’t properly sink in until two months ago I don’t think that year this is kiiinda what I would like to do with my life#bc I’d always been resistant to the idea of doing conservation or climate science or anything bc historically thinking abt it for too long#has been BAD for me and I didn’t think I could do that forever while keeping most of me#but now I’m at a point where like. okay very likely I’m gonna be an actual scientist. and while pure science is cool and worthwhile#and I still have feelings abt how there’s no funding or anything for studies without immediate practical applications#(THEY NORMALLY COME LATER AND EVEN IF THEY DONT ITS WORTH KNOWING EVERYTHING WE CAN KNOW SHUT UUUUPPP)#i do wanna do smth that’s gonna make a difference bc like I’m kinda in a position where that’s possible here#anyway my masters is gonna be ecology and hopefully with a microclimate focus which is cool as hell and will hopefully keep stuff open a bit#and I’m gonna try do as much as I can next year. there’s some very cool stuff happening I might be able to join#anyway wow this took a turn#climate crisis! woo!!#luke.txt
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billions(tm): it's incredible how we just provide a little snippet of material designed to be "guy we all want to push down the stairs immediately somehow" and through this amazing acting alchemy it becomes gold. electric. magnificent. we can't get enough so we will just keep writing this loser character and the actor will somehow keep bringing the dazzling transmutation through his ability
actor will roland: [is aware autistic people are real]
#this is at least half humorous in several ways lmao but also like fr...#winston billions#will roland has pretty much said he is aware that autistic people real. and not [ppl's utterly off the walls assumptions abt what Defines#Autism or what an Autistic Person is like and how you would Know]#i don't think that Billions(tm) would be very much better at that than re: say; taylor's being nonbinary (surprisingly alright yet. u kno)#quant kid 2 could've been anyone but writing Winston is like so certainly the common deal of the inadvertently autistic character#drawing from all the autistic people allistic ppl encounter all thee time without being aware & deciding they're annoying / jerks / too#weird to live too pathetic to die / grating nerds / Funnily Odd in a way you deign to merely raise an eyebrow or scrunch your face at....#so on so forth. ''oh you know Those People we all know who are just Like That''#and deciding they must be ''just like that'' b/c they're either too arrogantly rude &/or clueless / Unaware to be neurotypically superior#also do not get me wrong lmao big old proponent of Did You Know That? Actors Act. Now You Know#so of course yes will's acting is off the shits i mean here i am am i right. and he is using it when he is acting.#the acting talent Is off the shits. the tiniest moments they give him & he CRUSHES KILLS it really is amazing i'm not waving it off at all#cue twitter randos so betrayed when kelly aucoin is not dollar bill & is like ''yes in my acting job i'm playing this fuckin asshole''#meanwhile i'm still following the interviewer who a) asked will anything abt billions b) talked abt the immediate striking intro of will's#as quant kid 2 And the immediate draw of / effervescent dynamic between winston & taylor. Someone Who Gets It#anyway it's like will can fathom that actually the people who are Always ''acting wrong'' w/their bad grating vibes no matter what they do#are not always Those People(tm) who We all know & loathe right....thee magic of knowing winston can be someone fully earnest#and of course always actually trying; & having perfectly comprehensible wants & needs. damn how's he doing that#bringing a certain je ne sais quoi to this Insufferable Loser Nerd material! so we don't mess with the process.#i.e. we will only ever let his role get dunked on forever b/c sure can't fathom anything else anyways. our Correct characters could never..#only tuk; adjacent in wrong nerd loserdom; can be his friend. rian who is correct but zany with it can be his abusive friend
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ok i don't know WHAT kind of brain fart I had but I've been thinking today marks 6 months since I started shipping with Bob... IT'S NOT SIX DLSKJFKSF IT'S EIGHT 😳😳😳 8 MONTHS!!!
so today i learned i don't know how to count but idec bc it's my 8 month bobiversarry lol ❤️
#(sorry there's basically a freaking diary entry in these tags damn) (needed to get my thoughts out ig lol)#i really am so grateful for him and doug. which i get could sound really silly to ppl outside of this community lol#but they've helped me through the past 8 months and have made me smile even when in the worst moods :'3#even putting the selfshipping aspect of it aside they just make me happy !!#i honestly CANNOT believe its been that long already though... time has freaking FLOWN by since sept#but actually thinking about it in that way makes me oddly motivated? like that post abt how#'the time will pass anyways.' like i could have done A LOT in those 8 months but... i didn't 🧍🏻♀️BUT#there's 8 more months right ahead of me to make use of. like i've been really wanting to learn music theory and production#and im scared bc of how much time it will take. but I started studying a few days ago... and in 8 months i'll have 8 months of experience#idk it's just a comforting thought#like maybe even just in 4 months on the one year bobiverssary (lol) i'll be able to look back on today#and be like WOW i learned SO much since then and made so much music etc. just need to manage my time better all around.#bc of course i also need to do my actual JOB aka finish my next novel and prep for selfpub#cause i'm excited but not nearly ready 4 when my current contract ends. idk if it'll get renewed or not but i'm cool w either outcome 🧘🏻♀#UMMM. i didn't expect to ramble that much LMFAO sorry i was caught off guard by the passage of time ! 😳#peanut butter and jelly donut#caitiechat
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so
#i despise vivziepop as a creator but i hatewatched hazbin as a distraction yday on some pirate site#been questioning for a few months abt being greyace and like#had a very traumatic experience yesterday#alastor being an asexual character is such a stupid comfort for me suddenly.#after everything happening#i dont want love anymore just put me in a qpp pleaseeee#sophie.txt#very mixed feelings that i can't put into words but everything kind of lined up#idk kind of cool to see an ace character that doesn't fit the washed out fluffy boy narrative. just a thought#even if his asexuality is just thrown around with jokes and prideflags#i think i've always loved the idea of sex but never the real thing#im very sex positive and there's kink i would love to participate in and adore in visuals and practice and theory (leather latex)#but im really not built for anything beyond non-sexual intimacy#my constant battle of am i just against penetration or am i greyace or have i not met the right person yet#i think abt myself in a selfship context and love it but i think about myself in a real scenario and i just curl.#i wish men knew how to court and ask consent instead of jumping but im glad i didnt get s/ad at the least christ#i wish men were real they used to go to war#okay i did get s/ad i worded that wrong. im grateful i wasnt r8pd but idk if tumblr will nuke me for saying that
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the way the passing of time and circumstances changing can simultaneously feel deeply painful and utterly healing
#mp#said goodbye to my ex in person for the last time before they move to vietnam for a very long time#and thanked them for everything#and they told me how much they love me and how grateful they are that we were together#like not in a 'i want u back' or manipulative kinda way just in a nice acknowledgment of the past way#cos after all i wouldnt have known all these ppl in my life including my current partner if we had never been together#and im thinking abt how this time last year i felt so hurt by the breakup i could barely comprehend feeling happy again#and now im just happy for them and the thought of not seeing them for a long time is something i am calm and comfortable with#this weekend will be the anniversary of me meeting my current partner which wouldnt have happened if i hadnt been so miserable i turned up#to the bar my ex was working purely bc i couldnt bear to be on my own#and my current partner was also working the bar and the rest is history#anyway#yeah. weird to think how different this october is to last years#when i was doing coke almost every night bc it felt like the only way i could distract myself from being utterly miserable#it feels good to be moving forward and yet so painful to think about how the past can become so far away so quickly
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