#very complicated gender identity they dont even really understand

[moomeecore]

simone. could just be me, but i like simone better than simona

(and im not a fan of genderbent betty, but i saw one artist call him burt or berty i think)

ive never heard the name simona tbh. i feel simone has some potential but also, like, just using a genered variation on "simon" is kinda lame. burt is not a good name betty will never be burt. to offence to bert from sesame street, its ok when it's him.

[officialspec]

What do you think gay men are attracted to in men that they can’t be attracted to in women?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives men-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait men have that women can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

- [ ]

first off i hate this ask and i think youre a freak. in any other world i wouldve blocked you for this but unfortunately for both of us i actually like this type of philosophy. dont send this shit to anyone else though

i dont think its right to compare human sexuality to the same thing in animals, to get that out of the way. im sure until a certain point it comes from the same biological impulses, but human beings have way more complicated social structures and reasons for coupling that just do not exist in other animals. our social behaviours are what make us unique in the animal kingdom and that definitely extends to gender and sexuality. so theres that

people love to tout 'gender is a social construct' around like its a criticism in and of itself, which i think betrays a misunderstanding about social constructs in general. theyre the foundations we build language on to better understand each other, and affected by a whole host of cultural and historical factors. just because theyre subjective and complicated doesnt mean they arent real. in terms of the effect they have on peoples lives they may be the most real thing that exists

for example, 'kindness' is a social construct. the definition and ways it is enacted differ greatly across personal and cultural lines. but no one would ever suggest a world where kindness doesnt exist or loses meaning, because its an essential part of the way we interact with each other (in the same way i dont really see a world where gender entirely ceases to exist, mainly just one where people have more fun with it. im not a psychic though so who knows)

similarly, sexuality in humans is another social construct. i think the driving biological forces behind it are very real, but the labels people attach to those impulses are subjective attempts to express their inner world to the people around them if that makes sense. and those same biological impulses are ALSO subject to social ideas of gender, because those ideas are established at birth and reinforced over a persons entire lifetime

to use myself as an example, im a gay trans man. ive identified as other things in the past, because i was trying to pick apart feelings i had and express them to others in an attempt to find community. my identity might change as i get older and experience new things, or it might not. i identify as gay because im not attracted to the social concept of women, and someone i would otherwise be attracted to might lose all appeal after i find out they fall under that concept (this has happened before w transfems pre and post coming out lol)

of course, the real REAL answer to this is that trying to give queer identities rigid and objective definitions is a fools errand, and also lame as fuck. someone might identify as gay and be more attracted to general masculinity than men as a social category, maybe they fool around with a couple of butch women without considering themself any less gay. two otherwise identical people might be a butch lesbian and a gay trans man without either of those identities coming into conflict. they might even be the same person at different times of the week

the labels people choose to use are communication tools, not objective signifiers. if you dont understand them, they probably arent talking to you

social constructs are everything. we as humans have the unique ability to interpret our own messy desires and impulses into words that other people can use to form an idea of someone else in their mind. its how we build connections, and of course it isnt perfect because trying to squeeze someones entire personal history and the centuries of context that defined it into a handful of syllables is going to leave some room for error. but its all we have, yknow? so we keep trying. and i think thats much more human than any imposed objective 'truth' could ever be

tldr we live in a society dipshit. get with it

[frankendykez]

What r ur oc stories about?

OMG HIHI I NEVER HAD SOMEONE OUTSIDE OF MY CURRENT FRIENDS ACTUALLY ASK BEFORE UMMMM OKAY SO. i have 3! main oc stories that i Really care about at the moment but im Deeply fixated on mainly 1 of them but im gonna start with the one ive been liek "promoting" the most in a sense!! under read more cuz im gonna try to exlain all three of them bless. sorry if i seem overly passionate oops i was TRYING to summarise im sorry its so long u rlly dont Have to read All of it

Forgotten Man's Symphony

his (louis manoir) character is basically a spin off from a character mentioned in the novel frankensetin exactly (1) time by name in elizabeth's letter and by far he is the most organised oc of mine cuz we do actually have a clean, understandable summary doc (thought it is a tad bit outdated but its okay). shes like the most Normal narrative-wise i suppose so i'm not exactly sure on how to explain the plot of forgotten man's symphony it's just like??? him ruining his life in front of the reader and then #Healing?? i guess?? the story is an epistolary that starts with louis' Suicide Letter. so like. yeah. BUT!! i suppose i would say his story very much concerns the concept of like identity (including gender and such she would be considred either transfemme/bigender by the modern world but also idfk cuz i made her complicated and confusing on purpose) and also the lack thereof + the negative impact that comes with trying so hard to fit into the societal norms and what people Want you to be but you just Can't be, cutting away bits of yourself to fit through some sort of hole representing the perfect version of you until theres nothing left of Who You Are expect a palatable and small version yk?? and the the endless pursuit of wanting to be loved that leads yourself to changing and changing for people who just wont care or love you for realsies + @rosaniruby 's words "making it even like that so its not YOU who is loving and being loved but the dim visage of a version of you that fits the picture of what society loves; that it's not a love between individuals, it's the love for a society that cannot ever love anything because it was made to hate. and who believes that portrayal of love will not find it and forever be stuck. smth like society loves what it deems as perfect and hates the imperfect, since perfect doesn't exist it can only do the second one. and louis wanted to love perfect victor, hated his own imperfect self. but the perfect victor doesnt exists, and neither does any version of louis."

i like her he's great. sorry if that was less telling u WHAT his story is and more like Explaining the "themes" as theyre called of the story but idrk how to describe nromal stuff so TAKE WHAT U CAN GET!!! anyways,

Domus Carnis: The Transmutation of Guinevere Manor

idk if you're aware but i have a hyperfix on architectural horror and i DON'T MEAN SCARY GHOSTS AND SERIAL ILLERS IN AN ABANDONED HOUSE I MEAN HAUNTED HOUSES THAT ARE ALIVE THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR PTSD FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ETC ETC!! this story By making it started my whole obsession with the House it's crazy... scary even.. (i recommend you watch jacob geller's video essay about houses) i really do like domus carnis but it's. Messy to say the least. i do feel as if i ought to change the time period it's set in to avoid talking about the wars going on in the time period i accidentally set it in without realising but im procrastinating on that rn. it was Suppose to be late 1800s to early 1900s..

in a few simple words: flesh-and-bone made lesbian sex house. does that get your attention yet. bless

domus carnis (which literally means flesh house in latin or something) will be written in the POV of a 40ish year old widowed woman by the name of harriet wren's diary entries, occasionally switching to the POV of her 20-something year old godson percival who is like old timey jake paul and hes like either a journalistt or a radio host depending if i choose to change the time period or not. we follow them after harriet's husband dies of whatever and they find out he has a large property in a foreign country of which they had not known of prior

somewhere in germany there is a house of ex-aristocrats that no longer live there that is Alive. the House becomes alive because it is in a sense "possesed" (not haunted) the ghost of kathryna von guinevere who was the last one to die in the house, who, in life, was incredibly obsessed with The House for reasons that i fear are too long to explain without boring you and going into info pre-story?? anyways, when she "posseses" the house, the materials of the house shift to flesh, blood and bone because it Materially becomes her body. now, it would be hard to accurately label what represents what body part, because it's all strangely jumbled up and isn't like really human anatomy either cuz kathryna Can in fact see inside herself?? anyways whatever. now, the house is now both her body AND her mind. i have taken the phrase "haunted by memories/trauma" and turned it literal. the house IS haunted, but most of the ghosts aren't ghosts, theyre mostly all manifestation of Memory from her life because she actively is replaying the speech and actions of other people IN her mind to process the (typically traumatic) events of which she's seen or experienced. the ghosts CANNOT do as they please because they only exist at all Due to kathryna remembering them in these specific scenes. the hauntings include scenes of people, sounds, and shadows. unless the "scene" has a mirror, you cannot see kathy directly because you are witnessin things through HER eyes, which makes memories from wee childhood interesting because im wondering if i should make the "people" seem wayy bigger than the viewer if stuff is replayed from childhood..

i really like the fact that a lot of this is based on memory because it opens a lot of doors to me when it comes to the appearance of hauntings. my friend showed me this video depicting neurons forgetting how a face looks like, and i feel as if i could use that in the story because well, realistically kathy isnt going to have a Pristine memory cuz she Was just a human before, not to mention the fact shes already suppose to have issues on facial recognition/rememberance (my friend with these sisues suggetsed htis). the alteration of the ghosts' bodies could be fucked with even more if i try to make use and research into the way that people (mostly children) can in fact like.... change the image of something traumatic in their brain and make it less scary bc the brain is trying to protect them? yeah. AND ALSO the fact that a lot of people forgets certain aspects of their trauma due to their brain trying to protect them as well but still have this feeling of Unease when it comes o specific things that they cant explain, i could incorporate this feeling in certain areas of the House, the strange uneasiness. i experience that myself so i hope ill portray it right!!

i Think that's it?? at least that should be the bare bones of the story... i have a pin board tho if u want to check it out!!

The Epinicium

THIS is the stupid fucking thnag thats ruining my entire life rn. i love it i hate it whagever man. THIS ONE ill keep short and simple because im too fucking mentally ill about it to explain in depth without being asked questions

so basically its fantasy world but not like. Completely new high fantasy i very loosely based the countries off of like real countries and stuff bc lazy as shite so its like mid fantasy maybe HOWEVER

basically its set in this world where theres a shit ton of religions and gods and shit and theres three categories of religions (the world is veyr uhnm. Categorical idk): earth, science and the arts. basically the arts religions are the majority and the gods of those religions are called the muses so thats what i'll be calling them from now on. the basic plot of epinicium is about the muses of the music religion declaring that humanity doesnt treat music as "holy enough" anymore and taking it away as a whole (songbirds go extinct as well which is importnat) which also fucks up the other arts religionsdue to the fact that artforms are very connected but they still exist yk and centuries later our main cast attempts to bring it back!!! we have this server with a channel that has the "summary" but its not a real summary its just an already outdated infodump but we are Trying to fill this doc but we're failing really hard but friendship is magic idk.

fin.

anyways thats. pretty much it i think im sorry its too long once again 😭😭 feel free to ask question esp on the epinicium!! id love to hear abt ur ocs btw ive yapped so much oops

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hii there! :)

can i b a trans guy without medically transitioning? i cant for a good many years, but also,,, i dont want to (i have several adjacent health issues that would make it difficult, also i’m neutral abt my body - i dont really have dysphoria over it and it doesn’t bother me). but i’m terrified that i’ll never be taken seriously. i don’t mind being misgendered by strangers or acquaintances (i’d actually describe myself as genderqueer if i technically had to, it’s not the label i identify with but it makes the most sense like objectively. i’m happy w/ he/him but ok with they, she, etc), but i would like it if my friends would see me as a guy. but i’m also scared to even like, ask that of them. bc i really really don’t look like a guy, or even slightly androgynous, and i kind of have this sucky internal mindset that i won’t be seen as a real guy unless i make an effort to look like one, even though that’s not what i want. i’m working on it, but it’s also… my romantic life plays a big role in it. i’m currently identifying to a lesbian to my friends bc i like girls. and it’s just girls that i like. so if I live true to myself and do say that i’m a guy, I’m also like… who would want to date me, because i’m a guy who uses he/him pronouns and ‘male’ terminology like boyfriend, but physically, i have a lot of ‘girl’ features, like big boobs, and i don’t want bottom surgery either (neutral abt my body), so i just really don’t know. it’s really hurting me bc when i realised I was queer i thought I’d find a home in the queer community and i did, for the first time ever, but as I’ve thought about my identity a bit more all my queerness causes me is stress bc I’m constantly worried that no one not even other queer people will ever take me seriously or allow me to use the labels I use or will ever want to date me (bc… like, I’m not straight, but also how can I call myself a lesbian if I consider myself a guy? It’s all complicated, to me, but I feel like I’ll be ostracised from lesbians for not being enough of a girl — even though my gender is complicated and trans guy is just the best way to explain it and the best label that fits for me — and ostracised from trans people for not being trans enough and ahhhh I’m just. Really stressed about it all, and am constantly wishing I could just be true to myself, even within the queer community, but don’t know how to…

Hey, listen to me. You have a place in the queer community, okay? If you say you’re queer, you’re queer and we love and accept you.

Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a trans guy without medically transitioning! I understand with health issues it can be difficult for some people. However, you do NOT need to justify your choice to me, or to anybody, okay? If you don’t want to medically transition, then don’t medically transition! That’s the end of it. Being trans is about just being Not Cis. Transitioning medically is part of it for some people, but maybe it’s not for you, and that’s okay! You can still be trans.

A lot of queer AFAB people who start to realise they might be more masc aligned start feeling guilty, wondering if they’re predatory. I also experienced this. I used to identify as a bisexual girl, then nonbinary, then I started realising I felt more like a guy. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be a creepy straight guy, I didn’t want to make the women around me or women I was attracted to feel unsafe.

Eventually I realised, it’s not BEING MALE that makes you creepy, it’s being a CREEPY guy. It’s a mindset that’s a bit hard to put into words. Being male and being attracted to women is not inherently creepy. It’s only creepy if you’re weird about it, and it’s very easy not to be.

Some lesbians might ostracise you, that’s true. However, the vast majority of the lesbian community has a long history of transmasc and trans guy lesbians. The queer community is about love and support no matter your identity. You are loved.

Seeing someone as a certain gender because of their body parts is something people can get over. I might look feminine, but I know my friends and partner see me as a guy because that’s who I am to them, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend.

If your friends can’t see you as a guy because of something as unimportant as your body, then that’s on them.

“Who would want to date me” there’s people who would, trust me. Look, when you have low self esteem, especially if you’re trans and your self hatred is related to that, it’s hard to believe you’re loveable, but believe me, you are.

I still struggle with dysphoria and wonder why anyone would love me when I’m a guy but I feel like I don’t look like one, but my partner always assures me I’m loveable, and you deserve that too.

Trans people can find loving, caring partners who love you not inspite of your transness but because it’s part of who you are and they love YOU.

Kid, be yourself. You’re welcome in the queer community. Be true to yourself, be who you are, and you’ll find the right friends and the right partner.

I hope you have a good day/night, and I’m sending so so much love. May a ray of sunlight shine upon you sometime soon, my friend. Sending warmth <33

[askanonbinary]

Hi, so I think I might be non binary, but im really confused. When I was younger, I sort of had this image for myself, I wanted to be a woman, with a man, and have kids, but now that I think about it, it never really felt right, I think I just wanted to fit in with society, I didn't really like anyone and barely even knew what gender was back then, and didn't know being queer was a thing. I mean i still dont properly tbh. Also what the heck even is gender, because, I mean, I don't feel right being a girl or a guy, and I know i feel more comfortable being a girl (I am afab) but at the same time being a girl doesn't feel right either. Like almost I prefer presenting as more stereotypically masculine but I prefer more feminine terms, like pretty etc, but my gender feels neutral. Is that valid? I mean i still prefer to be more girlish, so am i just faking it? Or maybe i dont prefer to be considered as a girl but ive just always been seen as one and i live in a cis and heteronormative society, and im only trying to be female so i fit in? I mean, i don't even know why I feel more gender neutral, considering I don't really even understand what classifies you as a certain gender. Also i don't like guys I don't think, I think I just used to think I liked them because I identify with them more, but then my first 'girl crush' turns out to be genderfluid/non binary, but I still like them, so how does that actually work. Like I don't really get how some genders don't feel attractive to me but others do? How do I not like men but like basically anyone else? And how do I even go about being queer, or figuring stuff out, or just maybe even acting more comfortably with my gender, im so confused? Im sorry if that sounds weird, I'm only recently discovering I'm queer, and don't really know how to go about it, plus my family aren't very understanding and I dont have many queer people around me that I can ask for advice, all the other queer people I know are only starting to figure it out too, I have no idea what or who I am yet, is that valid?

; well firstly I'd like to say you're going to feel confused for a while, because this is a new and confusing process. Often when someone grows up in a world with desires and expecations set by others ( get married, have kids, etc like you mentioned ) plus the additional how you should be / act ( be cis, be straight, etc, ), it's really confusing to then realize you don't fit into these very restricting boxes. And so genuinely, don't feel bad for being confused and for being complicated. Those are probably the most " normal " ( as in, common ) things you could be really. Difference is the most common thing there is, so don't stress that you don't fit into one or two neat little boxes ! No one really does do they

; secondly, how you feel about your gender vs how you like being referred to & expressing yourself are all three separate things, sometimes they're similar sometimes not. But if you feel neutral, but prefer feminine terms while also wish to present masculinely, then that's okay ! You're okay to be that and to feel that, totally okay. ( also side note: what " classifies " you as a certain gender is whether or not you want to be classified as that gender, simply speaking. You want to be nonbianry ? You're nonbinary. Want to be a girl ? You're a girl. Want to be a mix of both or three or four ? Then you're that ! And everyone is going to be nonbinary, etc, a little differently. There's similarities and common experiences but it's your identity, so it's going to be specific to you !! )

; thirdly, when realizing you're nonbinary ( and / or when beginning to question your gender at all ) often orientation comes after, and vice versa. ( I know that the moment I found out liking people other than men was an option, I wondered if being a man was an option too and then it simply took off from there and now I'm where I am today: just as confused as I was before much more confident that even if I don't always have the right label, I'm comfortable being me in whatever phase " me " is that day or even that minute, and if that changes then it changes ! ) So if you right now don't feel attraction to men, you don't feel attraction to men ! And I get it, knowing " why " or " how " you like one gender but not the other is confusing, especially with how diverse gender is in the first place. But just, trust that you know what you want, and stick to that while navigating all these terms and experiences !! You'll get through the initial panic, don't worry.

; and fourthly, it's not weird or anything: this is literally the place to ask questions about these sorts of things, and if anyone is going to understand your experiences even just a little it's going to be the people who went through / are going through them too. So no worries about that !! And if the people you're asking questions from answer back with a question themselves, you can find the answers together.

; and lastly: you're valid, your identity is so valid and it has been forever. No matter how confusing or complicated or different it is, it's valid. Even if you never 100% find a label / labels that describe you fully, you're still valid ! And your identity sure as heck is real, I mean it's your identity and it's right there. Seems real and valid enough to me no ?

; good luck figuring out your identity and everything else, and I wish you luck on being confused !! :]

- Mod Xela

[ask-plurals]

hi. recently discovered by a therapist / still heavily self doubting OSDD (median?) sys . have questions about fictives.

1) how can you tell someone is a fictive

2) what makes a fictive form (specifically asking in relation to CDD systems since thats what i am)

3) how soon can a fictive form after discovering the source media

4) is it possible for an alter who was previously not a fictive of a specific media to become one

…or are we just kinning? (which we also dont know anything about or understand)

context for our situation:

there are five known members two of whom may be fictives or kinnies. both have slightly different experiences from one another. one might be madoka kaname from PMMM and another might be rei ayanami from NGE. they have their own names but ill just call them rei and madoka for clarity here.

neither have source memories, but when watching NGE rei does feel its analogous to actual memories from our life. they both have personalities nearly identical to their respective characters.

madoka does not feel like their appearance is that of fictional madoka, and identifies more with a version of our bodys appearance. rei feels like they look like fictional rei. neither are the same gender as their characters.

most of our alters struggle to understand what it means to be an alter that is a different age from the body, but madoka might be slightly younger than the body (which is still older than fictional madoka) and rei is an exception and feels strongly that they are the same age as rei (14).

madoka has existed for a long time as far as we are aware, but no recollection of if they existed b4 we watched PMMM which was also a long time ago. we only watched NGE for the first time like two weeks ago, cant figure out if rei existed before that. we know we had someone with a similar personality that appeared briefly months ago, but we ended up attributing that to a different alter who frequently fronts.

no idea what to make of this. i really cannot understand at all what the difference is between being a fictive and being a kinnie when ur a system. help 😭

this maybe all over the place but bare with me!

1) fictivehood can be complicated. theres obvious ones like Looking like the character, Identifying as the character, having source memories, etc. especially all of these in one.

2) fictives can form for things like relating to them (maybe they went through simialr trauma as you/the body), maybe they are simailr to an abuser, maybe your brain feels they fit in a role (we tend to get a lot of fictives who are "big angry men" and are typically protectors of some kind). comfort is also a big one. if a media comforts you and brings you joy, sometimes that can be a reason to form fictives.

3) we've gotten fictives from media we've never even seen. so, no time frame!

4) yes! theres a term for it called pre-fictive actually (link)

i ofc cant say weather or not they are kinning the characters or fictives, i also do not have Much experience with kins vs alters, as they just feel very different for us. kins feel more like a layer and Fictives just Are that character.

but hopefully this helps!

[floatingwithlaura]

im gonna say it on here bc it’s safer than my other socials atm. i don’t think im trans (fully). i was dead sure for 9? years. i feel like i am losing a part of myself - i am ACTUALLY gaining something but idk my heart is breaking a bit.

i was on T for 2 and a half years. i was gonna get top surgery (and decided not to for diff reasons). i changed my name. the sex on my passport is M. like. i was SO SURE.

now after all this time i’ve finally been unpacking shit in therapy and also learning about autism. and … yeah. i fucked up lmao.

it is entirely on me, i chose to do all i did and i chose to get done what i did. i consented to everything and i do not regret it. i just feel like… let down. that i wasn’t offered the support i needed earlier to understand myself and how i would feel more comfortable.

i am happy w a lot of T changes! like super happy. it made me feel like my own person. but.. yeah.

i think i would consider myself agender but i dont wanna say i identify that way bc its less of an identity and more of just my general understanding of gender. i have never understood gender. probably an autism thing! but i just DONT GET IT. i dont know how it is meant to ‘feel’ or how u even know which one u fit in.

since i was a child i just couldn’t grasp gender like everyone else and i guess that’s why i transitioned bc i never felt like a real girl. but then i didnt ‘feel’ like a boy either. and then i decided to come out as nonbinary but idk. i never ‘felt’ like that either.

to make matters more complicated, my abusive ex stepdad would bully and belittle me for being afab. he made me HATE being born how i was. the csa i felt was only because of my being born this way. no wonder i wanted to get away from it all. i refused to believe he could have an impact like that when i was 16 or so and people were suggesting it. it made me feel even more out of control. all i wanted was to be in charge of my body for once. transitioning felt like getting that control back (one of the reasons im so grateful for it).

in an ideal world gender wouldn’t exist n we would all just utilise hormones and surgery to feel good in our skin much like any other affirming surgeries.

for now i will use they/she pronouns. but idc really. gender is confusing and unimportant to me. i care more for aesthetics lmao ..

i hope this makes some sense n if anyone resonates with it plz dm me :,) i feel quite alone currently. i know it’s a very odd experience but i hope someone somewhere gets it.

[theboredasexual]

The struggle of changing your name as a trans/genderqueer person is so real.

For some context, I am AFAB and identify as genderqueer. I also use the terms non-binary or gender-fluid when explaining myself to cis people who dont understand genderqueer (usually i dont feel like articulating my very complicated gender experience to people who won't have the life experience to properly get it so i choose simpler terms).

Just because of internet-safety purposes all the names I'll refer to myself as here are not my real ones, fyi.

Before I start this inevitably long post, I'm gonna give you an analogy I like. I grew up for many years with a pretty old phone that stopped being updated when I was in like, year six. And I didnt mind it! It wasn't a bad phone, just one that was a little annoying now and then. But then my dad got an upgrade, and since Apple decided to ditch my iphone 4 update-wise, i got his old iphone 8.

...and then I lost it.

I still had my iphone 4 so I went back to it while i tried to get an 8 again. And holy fudge, it suddenly sucked. All the little problems I hadn't hated before were suddenly the worst thing ever, because i was used to not having to deal with them.

My experience with pronouns and name changes has been very similar. Lets say my birth name is... Jessica. I have a LOT of childhood memories thinking about my name and knowing its not quite right. They date back probably to around grade 1. I've always known that I'd choose a name other than Jessica for myself, but it wasnt until like last year that I discovered my sexuality and gender and realized I COULD change my name.

Suddenly, Jessica felt WORSE. Because I knew i had the option of changing it. So I made it a unisex name that i could argue was a nickname. Lets say i called myself Jessie. I've known guys called that, and girls called that, so it felt good.

But i couldnt shake the fact that people might still call me Jessica. It felt too related to what I considered a deadname, and I didnt want that. In the back if my mind, i started considering different names and found one i really really like. I've never felt as me as I did when I considered that name.

But i'm also terrified of changing it. Why? Because of that iphone analogy i talked about. Jessie is similar to my birth name, so even though Jessica still feels bad, it might feel worse if I wasnt used to Jessie. But the name I'm considering is far from that, which means the dysphoria will be far worse if i do officially change it again. Unfortunately I'm not in an environment where my real name is used by many people so i have to deal with my deadname a lot.

Pronouns have been similar. She/her was never quite right, and when I learnt I could use they/them (and others) it felt worse. I'm wondering if other genderqueer folks of whatever identity feel the same?

Sorry for the long post. I don't have many followers so idk if anybody will see this but I wanted to share nonetheless.

[genderqueerdykes]

Not really about how to start T and stuff but more how to deal with it? I'm a trans-enby bisexual whos really fluid with my gender presentation. As I am now I don't feel like I'm super welcome or belong in mlm spaces, conversion and communities, since everyone views me as a woman no matter how masc I feel I am. But I'm so scared of starting T, because I dont wanna be an outcast in saphic spaces for being seen as a man. How do experience my identity without feeling guilty that I'm filling a space not meant for me?

*pats you on the shoulder* hey i'm literally right in your exact same position and i want you to know that you are in fact welcome in both of those spaces even though they can feel hostile.

historically, transmaculine people have been welcome in and have opted to not leave sapphic spaces regardless of how the identify sexually because sapphic spaces understand and accept how complicated our relationship with gender can be. if you feel safe there and have a part of you that still feels sapphic, it's your community. starting T doesn't remove you from the sapphic/lesbian community. there have been so, so so many transmasc sapphics and lesbians. please try to look into Leslie Feinberg's writings- ze was a transmasc lesbian with a very complex relationship with gender and HRT and transition. I think hir works might really help you feel more at peace with yourself.

i feel unwelcome in mlm spaces as well due to the rampant transphobia in Cis dominated mlm spaces. my recommendation is honestly seek out genderqueer, genderfluid, gnc and trans mlm spaces, because holy fuck are they so much more welcoming. i understand the cis gay community isn't evil, but the transphobia that has existed there has gone unchecked for decades and transmascs are finally speaking up about it en masse for the first time.

anyway TL;DR don't let these things stop you from taking T if you feel like you'll be happier and more complete if you do. You belong in these spaces, it's just about finding the right people within them.

it's okay to feel this way, but i just need you to know you're welcome in both communities, especially if you're genderfluid. take care of yourself, i hope you find some communities that feel like home to you!

[gayhenrycreel]

heres some tips:

maladaptive daydreaming is dissociation. a lot of people forget about this fact, but dissociation is extremely tied to it, to the point that maladaptive daydreaming is very often a symptom of dissociation.

maladaptive daydreaming is a form of disconnecting from reality, making it dissociative in nature.

also, cis people generally dont question their gender. cis people dont consider surgery.

dissociation is more than just zoning out. a common way for extreme dissociation to manifest is becoming confused about your identity.

fakers choose to fake. if you dont know if you're faking then by definition you are not faking. being unsure or mistaken is very different from faking.

there is such a thing as OSDD1a, in which to be diagnosed there is amnesia, but notably the parts are extremely similar to each other. they often present as different versions of the same person.

maladaptive daydreaming and dissociation go hand in hand. if you experience one chances are you experience the other.

also, you dont actually need to medically qualify for a cdd in the dsm5 to have multiple ego states.

my therapist knows a lot about this subject and she said everyone is born with multiple ego states, or sense of selves. around the ages of 6-9, these ego states fuse into one. however, they can still be fluid. we experience these as things like an ego state subset for being angry, a piece for dealing with stress, etc. this is why people act differently in different situations.

it becomes disordered when the ego states are not intergrated.

CDDs are actually extreme forms of ptsd. let me explain;

PTSD; can happen at any age. a tiny ego state splits off to deal with a singular traumatic memory. it exists entirely to hold this trauma. it does nothing else. this memory is not organised by the brain into a point in time, causing the feeling of the trauma only just having happened, no matter how long ago it was. when this memory surfaces, it feels like its happening again, as if its still happening. this is called a flashback, and sometimes even comes with hallucinations of the memory, though not everyone has this and its only happened to me once.

CPTSD; complex posttraumatic stress disorder is essentially the same thing, except there are multiple traumatic memories and as such multiple tiny ego states to handle them.

OSDD; this is where things get complicated. this is basically the sameas DID except one trait is missing, either amnesia or extreme separation of parts.

DID; the ego states split off before a single core ego formed, resulting in these ego states to continue developing as multiple "cores". usually the core forms into a solid identity, but when such extreme trauma happens before an identity is formed, there are multiple selves. these ego states each serve a role. often one will be angry, but this is actually a form of defence, meant to protect oneself. sometimes one will form to take care of the others. pretty much always, one will develop to deal with trauma. there can be multiple trauma holders, usually each holding a seperate memory.

this is basically the regular ptsd ego state, formed early enough to have its own sense of self. such an alter may constantly be re-experiencing the trauma.

ultimately, all parts are there to protect. the human brain is a bit of a mess so it doesn't work very well, but no one was ever supposed to go through the things that cause such extreme disorders anyway.

according to my therapist, it is quite possible to not qualify for a cdd and still have multiple sense of selves. the dsm5 is useful, but we have to remember that it is a tool. there isnt really a scientific boundary between cptsd and a cdd. doctors made one up so they could categorize things, because its useful for understanding things. DID used to be categorised as a personality disorder. now we know thats completely incorrect. as our understanding of the brain advances, there will undoubtedly be revisions.

its quite possible that one day ptsd will be considered a dissociative disorder. some doctors already consider it as such.

disorders are a collection of shared experiences, not set in stone. new ones are recorded all the time. some "disorders" are actually more like buckets for things that cant be identified, like UDD, Unspecified Dissociative Disorder, which is used as a placeholder when someone doesn't qualify for other known dissociative disorders.

dont put too much energy into categorizing yourself. just be. what freud would call you doesnt matter. what does matter is healing. there are lots of way to do this. you might want to fuse into one ego state, or maybe stay separate and just heal from dissociation.

the important part is getting to the point that it doesn't get in the way of your life. its only a disorder if its affecting your quality of life. healing is recovering until you can live without your brain fucking with you.

dont limit yourself to the categories of a homophobe who had incestuous mummy issues.

Imposter syndrome is weird. Like is it imposter syndrome? Or am i actually an imposter in this situation?

I don't experience dysphoria. Or do i? I can never tell if it's dysphoria or just dysphoria because of my messed up identity situation. I hate my name. But is it gender or is it just cause I've never liked it? I have nothing against my pronouns. Can i really be a guy if im okay with she/her pronouns? My feelings about surgery and genetalia change often. I know i want to keep my breasts, but do i want bottom surgery? Sometimes, i truly wish i had a penis but other times, i simply dont care at all. I would be perfectly happy if i continued living as a cis woman going by my birth name. I wouldn't miserable. I wouldn't die. But also i want to have a deep voice. To have facial hair. To have bottom growth. To just be a man. But still i like she/it pronouns the most. I use it/he because i feel like if i dont use he then no one will take my identity seriously. But maybe im just a cis girl wanting to be different. Or is this all imposter syndrome. What is this. What am i.

Same goes with my identity stuff. Because i know i dont have any CDD because theres no dissociation but somehow still i feel like multiple different people. I choose to become them or "channel them" or "switch" when i feel i need them. I create their voices in my head when i need someone to talk to. I just choose who i am. Its all part of the trauma i went through as a kid and also part of my maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism because of that, but what is it exactly? Is it just roleplay? Am i trying to fake a serious disorder because i find that disorder interesting?

[whirld-of-color]

So we know that unfinished is genderqueer, but have you assigned any genders or sexualities to the other ocs, or to canon characters?

oh LORD right. uhhhhh off the top of my head all of the canon sticks have gender identities that range from nonexistent to nebulous at best.

blue is agender. yellow is a demigirl, sometimes regular girl. second has better things to do than have a gender- too sleepy for gender. green is every gender at once and is good at all of them. red is a boy but in a girl way. dark is genderfluid and chosen is xenogender. victim is dead, is that a gender? no? well, they're nonbinary, then. i guess king is just a guy? god if i know. he’s fruity, though. purple is queer and masc-leaning.

tbh ive always thought that instead of adhering to a binary gender norm thing like humans do, it’s being agender/nonbinary that’s the default for sticks, because, you know, stick figures

i dont know anything about their romantic orientations but i DO think that blue and yellow are dating. dark and chosen are probably a qpr? i feel like chosen is a little bit aromantic. red is gay. oh huh i guess i do have opinions on their romantic orientations

i do not know if the sticks experience sexual attraction. i do not want to know.

anyway now for ocs!

unfinished is genderqueer, and is unlabeled! unfinished uses he/him pronouns primarily out of convenience and is generally indifferent to all pronouns, aside from the fact that he very adamantly is not a girl. he's never really thought about romance, mostly because he talks to, like, three??? people?? in his daily life??? but when alex explained romance to him, he didn't understand the concept at all, so he's probably aromantic? really, who can say, alex didn't explain that shit very well either. they’re both children. its whatever

eigengrau is firmly indifferent to gender. it identifies as a danger. it identifies as a creature. it is similarly indifferent to the concept of romance. i think that if it were ever removed from its curse of "only exists when someone is perceiving pitch blackness," which massively complicates any prospect of romance whatsoever, it might? entertain the thought?? i think it's probably demiromantic. however, in the present moment, i dont know if eigengrau has ever had the free time to go about questioning its gender identity or romantic orientation. i dont know if it even knows what the fuck a romance is.

reckoning is a trans girl. got her name changed and everything! she is a girl and will not be told otherwise. i think she's probably a disaster bisexual, if anything? like, she doesn't know what feelings aside from chilling calm and terrifying rage even are, but she does think dangerous people are hot. many sticks in the general internet are very dangerous, and she thinks all of them are hot. she does not know that this is what romantic attraction is.

[idolshineitai]

hii!!!! happy pride!! for the pride ask game.... how about 32? ovo

🥹 HII TYSM!!! Happy pride to you too (o^▽^o) i rlly appreciate u sending an ask !! ♡

32. Something you wish people understood about your identity?

oh gosh. there’s a lot! and there’s a lot i don’t even understand myself!! :0 But .. a big one for me is that.. yes i am transmasc yes i am a femme,, as in EXPLICITLY femme lesbian!! No other sense of the word. a noun, not an adjective. a way to refer to Me entirely!! (i fucking adore when i see this and would LOVE to have it for myself someday - to be called someone’s femme, as in “my femme”, in place of any other word………it Just. feels so holy and lovely and Right. Soo outrageously lesbian)

i love being called a boy + am one sometimes (genderfluid). i love using he/him pronouns and they’re often the most comfortable out of all my sets no matter how im feeling. i love my body hair sooo much so bad + i do want to go on T someday for that reason (+ many others 💘) + all of this wouldn’t really make you think Femme, and that upsets me sometimes, but this is literally .. what makes me feel good + pretty + confident in myself + HAPPY !!! When i first figured out i was a femme lesbian it felt so so right + homely to me (still does) + if it helps my case i swoon over butches @ any given occasion ww 💗💗 i love.. fitting into this rich and vibrant community i love using these terms for myself i love being a femme full stop . i am also autistic and nonbinary which i feel factors into my understanding of gender a good deal!!

i want to take femininity and make it my own . i want to dress up in my own beautiful restoration of it (i LOVE dressing feminine i love reimagining femininity i love being fashionable and Looked At and putting shit together in all these creative ways to make something new!!!!!!!!!!! i love being seen by LESBIANS!!) + maybe even get a handsome girl’s attention in the process :> I love my transmasc identity i love my femme lesbian identity i looove existing as a complicated queer person thank u and goodnight

(+ thank u for the opportunity to talk abt this, it made me really happy ♡ i love my identity i love gay peopleee. i dont think ive discussed this so openly before + im guessing maybe some people will dislike me now? + i dont know what to say to them, but i am very happy being who i am ^_^)

[transmeds]

My apologies, another person in your replies said “Anon you realize that exact logic is and HAS been used to justify the deliberate misgendering of trans people, right” and I thought it was you. Anyhow, there is no reason to get so nasty, I’m just asking you to explain your thoughts on this since you frequently post in the tags with your opinions. Being a “boy” or a “girl” is a social role, not necessarily a gender. So, yeah, it’s possible to take on a different gender role than the one associated with your gender. Since roles are often conflated with gender, they tend to be used interchangeably. People who are PNC often use “wrong” pronouns to express their complicated relationship with gender identity. Aside from this, some people use certain pronouns for themselves because they simply enjoy them, which is their own prerogative. So, then, you’re against being PNC because 1) it’s too complicated for you personally to process and that is somehow deserving of your vitriol and 2) you feel that English grammar and syntax rules are more important than respecting people’s referential language? How is challenging language any different than challenging gender stereotypes, as one would do being GNC? Do you prioritize your comfort over the dignity of other transgender people, or do you seriously think that language is sacred? Words are created all the time and definitions change with their usage. It sounds that rather than even attempt to accommodate your brethren, you would prefer to latch on to the anti-PNC position so you have some excuse to not challenge your notions of “gendered” language. As a person with an auditory processing disorder myself that impacts my life greatly, that is not an excuse for you not to better yourself, even if it is difficult for you. Other people do not deserve your anger for simply existing with pronouns that challenging the status quo. If you *definitively and actively know* a person’s pronouns are contrary to their appearance or identity and you refuse to even try to refer to them properly, that is not an issue with processing, but with conflating pronouns with gender identity at the best and willfully choosing to disrespect them at the worst. That can’t be explained away by saying you have a processing disorder. Do not attempt to paint being PNC as ableist because you are unwilling to challenge your deep-seeded, actively obsolescent beliefs. Having a processing disorder makes people rely on context. If you are communicating with or about someone whose pronouns you know, PNC or otherwise, you have been provided the context. You are choosing to either ignore it for your own comfort and a lack of desire to improve yourself or because you think language is more important than people. If I’m wrong, prove it.

i didnt mean to get nasty i just dnt have a good concept of whats too mean n stuff.

i love that you consistently add more to what i am saying and look to deep into it to paint me as a bad person but i will get to that later. its hard to pay attention to one thing at a time but i will try 2 go in order.

being a boy or girl isnt a social role,, its just being a girl or boy?? like a kid female n kid male like. thats not a role thts a fucking.. way to describe someones gender when theyre a kid?? like i cannot even understand why i have to say that. wtf do u think being a girl/boy is?? its a way to describe someones gender, like pronouns. not a role or gender expression.

im not against it because its too complicated or that i want to disrespect ppls pronouns or something like that you want to put into my mouth. challenging a language is different than challenging gender rules because language was made with a purpose and one that still matters today. gender roles never served a solid purpose, them getting removed doesn't matter at all.

this is really pointless because youre going to keep refusing to recognize that language is important and that pronouns aren't something that you just use to make yourself happy, they are a tool in language that serve two singular purposes. to replace a name. and to describe the person in a gendered way. getting rid of gender should just mean getting rid of pronouns all together because they are pointless without any description of the person that they are being used for. because then you cant fucking tell who they're talking about at all. this is why robots struggle with pronouns :)

its funny to me that you add "appearance" to "identity" as if 1. they match. 2. that i at all ever said they have to watch appearance. if you didnt know im NOT PASSING. 3. as if appearance matters <3

this isnt about me wanting to be rude or not challenge gender roles or anything, im a very gnc man myself. this is about the fact that pronouns only real purpose is to tell you what gender someone is, not if they're masculine or feminine or just like the sound of them. this is why getting called "she/her" makes the majority trans men dysphoric, but why wearing dresses or having traditionally feminine roles won't make the majority of them dysphoric.

you clearly aren't listening to what im saying so i dont see why you insist on replying and putting things in my mouth from finding excuses like "someone else said it" to whatever youre going to make for trying to say i just dont like people who r pnc and am using processing an an excuse, instead of an example of why its important this time.

language isnt more important than people, but people can not exist as is without a way of communicating. trying to tear down communication because you dont like its rules just make what it is to be human harder to be. i cannot be myself to anyone else if there is no words to describe who i am in a strictly male or unrelated sense. there's a difference verison of you to every person you know, and you can't make it remotely accurate without the words to express it.

[traumatisedbabygay]

ight im gonna go off about the gender crisis again, because its my blog and vent space and i'll do what i want ;)

would i be allowed to label myself as agender, even though i dont experience any gender discomfort? Like, when someone calls me a girl, or says im a sister, daughter, ect, i dont feel uncomfortable. I just feel....indifferent. It doesn't necessarily feel right, but if it felt wrong surely id be feeling more than just mild confusion. agender usually means "genderless", but could it also mean gender...indifferent? Gender...apathetic?

If i were to try and make a comparison so i can better comprehend my thoughts, itd be this. If i were unconscious due to, idk, anaesthesia or something, and then had a surgery performed, id feel nothing. Id feel no pain, no tickling. If when i was still asleep after my mum caressed my face i wouldnt feel comfort. I wouldnt feel anything. Good, bad or neutral. All i would feel would be the dreamscape that the medically induced deep sleep placed me in: abstract. Non definable. One minute in that dream i could be strolling through an enchanted forest, the next I could be falling endlessly. But no matter what happened in those dreams, my physical body would be too out of it to react. Its like my gender identity is in a very deep sleep, feeling nothing objectively but everything abstractly, all at once.

Now lets say those "abstract dreams" in the metaphor was presentation. Most of the time i present very feminine, traditionally. My style is vintage/historical, lots of long skirts and frilly blouses and braided hair. Dressing like that makes me confident, comfortable. But I also really enjoy dressing more masculine. Of course, with super long hair ill always appear somewhat feminine, but wearing waistcoats and vintage trousers and shirts makes me feel confident too. I once said to my nana when i wore a particularly masculine outfit "some days i want to be elizabeth bennet, but somedays i want to be mr darcy". But no matter how feminine or masculine i feel, i dont know how to interpret that as gender. I feel like a girl, if "feeling like a girl" could be defined as "feeling like a vague blur of nothingness". Or am i just equating femininity with girliness. Do i actually just feel feminine, but not "girly".

sjdhskdjdjjddjdjfh why is this so confusing? I genuinely think either agender or genderqueer are labels to consider, even if no label feels better. With the way my brain works, i still need some form of label. but how do i know im not just overthinking things? If i am just, in fact, a cis girl who doesnt understand what that really means?

Surely its not that uncommon an experience? To not be able to recognise what gender feels like. I dont even know what its *meant* to feel like, unlike when i was questioning my sexuality and knew exactly what liking men was meant to feel like bc of my straight friends. Can i call myself a girl for simplicity's sake? It doesnt make me sad or uncomfy, if im being honest it doesnt feel like anything. Could i say im a genderqueer girl? As in, "i'll say im a girl if asked only because the real answer is so fucking complicated and undefined that even I dont know how to word it". As in "i might say im a girl but really my relationship to gender and womanhood is so much more than that. my gender is paradoxial. I both feel and dont feel like something, but i dont even know how to describe that small "something"."

Or would i say im a genderqueer femme? I dont mind being equated with feminitity, but underneath that feminine surface everything is so jumbled and hard to decipher that its easier to just act like a girl and not think about it.

but now ive opened the can of worms. i kinda have to think about it now.

or would i just say, "hey, im (name), my pronouns are she/her but idc if you use anything else, and im......i exist." Because at the end of the day, does it matter that i cant put how i feel into words that feel adequate? Surely just existing, acknowledging that *something* is going on beneath the surface but knowing it doesnt affect me enough to seek out a label, is fine too, right?

god why is this so fucking hard

[dengswei]

hi i am so sorry like sorry if you dont want to or feel uncomfortable answering this question then please you do not need to but i was wondering what you have been gender identifying yourself as over the years? because same here, i am also in the same boat and i have been saying i am an aroace bi and i want to use pan but i dont want to use that when i havent really stepped foot out that far but i dont know it makes me confuse like i dont know if this even makes sense

hey! honestly i don't mind answering at all! please don't apologise ☺️💙💜 i've gone through a few labels am ngl because gender is weird, this got a bit long so i'll put it under the cut :)

when i first realised i wasn't cis (which was when i think i was 17-18 i can't remember) i went by non-binary and not long after that genderfluid as well but then i realised genderfluid didn't really fit anymore (i think i mostly identified with genderfluid because i was scared/a little bit of internalised nonbinaryphobia perhaps because i considered my self fluid between my agab & agender)

so after that i started to go by non-binary & agender (i also like gendervoid as well), i still think i am both non-binary and agender but there are times where i think maybe i might be fluid or flux (oh irony) on the masc side but i also think not because it happens usually when i'm dysphoric

my gender crisises happen either when i'm about to get my period (usually about a week before) and i tend to want to strip away everything related to my AGAB (this one of the reasons why i've taken my other pronouns out of my bio) and when i get misgendered a lot because i don't actually have people i'm out to irl so i don't have anyone to bounce my pronouns, gender related terms, and my name off of so i can't really tell if i like those used for me (that's why i'm really grateful that a lot of my oomfs/mutuals use my name when they talk to me/about me 💙💜) and personally i think i come across androgonous but no one else in real life sees it that way 😅😔

my agenderness is very much similar to my aroaceness how i didn't realise what i felt (or rather didn't feel) was different to everyone else so for a long time i thought i was cis and then the gates slowly started opening when i discovered my sexuality (yeah i figured that out before my gender 😂 actually i think discovering asexuality specficially helped me in discovering that i'm agender because they're very similar for me in a lot of senses, esp my journey with them both)

& it does make sense please don't worry! questioning anything is scary and daunting and you don't really know where to begin i understand completely 💙💜 and you can use which ever labels you want! i know people who go by both bi and pan, which ever label feels more you. You don't have to fit a label perfectly to try it out, and you don't need to use a label at all ☺️ (me @ me take your own advice 😂)

this why i love umbrella terms for my gender like non-binary and genderqueer (which is why i tend to say i'm non-binary over agender) because gender is weird and sometimes you can't understand it but that's okay because gender is different for everyone

this is why i love to use queer to encompass my whole identity (gender & sexuality) because it wraps it all in a neat box and it saves having to explain everything that usually comes with telling people my complicated gender or sexuality lol

& even if in the end you realise you're not that label it's okay! there's nothing wrong with realising you were wrong sometimes you need to stop off somewhere for a detour to figure yourself out before reaching your final destination 💙💜

my ask box is always open if you want to talk some more 💙💜

hey! honestly i don't mind answering at all! please don't apologise ☺️💙💜 i've gone through a few labels am ngl because gender is weird, this got a bit long so i'll put it under the cut :)

when i first realised i wasn't cis (which was when i think i was 17-18 i can't remember) i went by non-binary and not long after that genderfluid as well but then i realised genderfluid didn't really fit anymore (i think i mostly identified with genderfluid because i was scared/a little bit of internalised nonbinaryphobia perhaps because i considered my self fluid between my agab & agender)

so after that i started to go by non-binary & agender (i also like gendervoid as well), i still think i am both non-binary and agender but there are times where i think maybe i might be fluid or flux (oh irony) on the masc side but i also think not because it happens usually when i'm dysphoric

my gender crisises happen either when i'm about to get my period (usually about a week before) and i tend to want to strip away everything related to my AGAB (this one of the reasons why i've taken my other pronouns out of my bio) and when i get misgendered a lot because i don't actually have people i'm out to irl so i don't have anyone to bounce my pronouns, gender related terms, and my name off of so i can't really tell if i like those used for me (that's why i'm really grateful that a lot of my oomfs/mutuals use my name when they talk to me/about me 💙💜) and personally i think i come across androgonous but no one else in real life sees it that way 😅😔

my agenderness is very much similar to my aroaceness how i didn't realise what i felt (or rather didn't feel) was different to everyone else so for a long time i thought i was cis and then the gates slowly started opening when i discovered my sexuality (yeah i figured that out before my gender 😂 actually i think discovering asexuality specficially helped me in discovering that i'm agender because they're very similar for me in a lot of senses, esp my journey with them both)

& it does make sense please don't worry! questioning anything is scary and daunting and you don't really know where to begin i understand completely 💙💜 and you can use which ever labels you want! i know people who go by both bi and pan, which ever label feels more you. You don't have to fit a label perfectly to try it out, and you don't need to use a label at all ☺️ (me @ me take your own advice 😂)

this why i love umbrella terms for my gender like non-binary and genderqueer (which is why i tend to say i'm non-binary over agender) because gender is weird and sometimes you can't understand it but that's okay because gender is different for everyone

this is why i love to use queer to encompass my whole identity (gender & sexuality) because it wraps it all in a neat box and it saves having to explain everything that usually comes with telling people my complicated gender or sexuality lol

& even if in the end you realise you're not that label it's okay! there's nothing wrong with realising you were wrong sometimes you need to stop off somewhere for a detour to figure yourself out before reaching your final destination 💙💜

my ask box is always open if you want to talk some more 💙💜

[ibelonginthepast]

yoo i really looooved your bucky headcanon thingy it made so much sense???

since you said you loved the marvel one: nat?

Thank you so much dem,, I needed the approval, its very close to me 🥰

AND AH NAT! MY LOVE!!

Sexuality Headcanon: I am gonna go for sex repulsive asexual, pan/bi romantic.

Its ironically funny she uses seduction and sex as a weapon ^_^

She doesn't realize her asexuality for a long long time, and thinks she hates sex because of her trauma and struggles with intimacy. Also cause she doesn't find romance with it ever. She doesn't get it, doesn't realizes its an option to not like sex.

Gender Headcanon: (non binary) she/her. Imma just through some random words. Grace. Feline. Beauty. Alluring. She's that gender that has short chin length curly hair, wears bright red lipsticks, high cheekbones, corsets, black, high heeled boots, knives. U get it.

A ship I have with said character: hmmm ngl I dont think anyone deserves the perfection that she is. Seriously. No one could ever deserve her. Not anyone in mcu yet. BUT, anyone she falls for, I dont mind banner... but I think he wont get her complexity very well. I wanna say valkyrie, but I ship them with cap marvel. Damn I just remembered they really killed nat didn't they? Fuck them. Fucking fuck them. Yeah I dont have a ship for her... no one deserves her yet.

A BROTP I have with said character: HAWKEYE AND NAT I love them so much???? Just so much?????? THEY ARE SO PERFECT, everything about them!!!!! I love how Clint is the soft side of her. I love how nat gets around clint's kids. I love how much nat loves him. How he's the only one who has ever treated her right. I'll actually start sobbing. They are so devoted to each other. I cant even. I love them so much.

A NOTP I have with said character: idk I cant ship her with Steve,, just like not for ever. I like what they had in the movies, how nat struggles with it, but I cant ship them as a legit couple for life nah.

A random headcanon: okay so bts,, nat has a horrible self esteem. she's ambidextrous. she loves dressing up. she prints out photos of rich old white neurotypical able cishet men in power, and practices shooting on them. When she's really mad at Tony or Steve or Banner, she adds them there on her target boards for practice, and it has horrified them to sometimes find their bigass postures punctured with bullet holes. Shes a fierce feminist and wears the label proud. She has had convos around this with every male on her team. She has hit them all in the head, rolled her eyes at their dumbfuck explanations of why they dont like the term feminist and helped them understand better what it is and make them know that they are in fact feminists too. she's an empath. I dont think that even hc, I think its very clearly shown just not acknowledged. Shes extremely forgiving, and believes in redemption of anyone. Shes for rehabilitation, anti-prison. She hates the concept of governments in general. She is nihilistic. She is a communist and passionate about it. She's secretly a philosophy simp, reads a lot about them when she treats herself.

Even though shes all for redemption, she struggles with forgiving herself and is very hard on herself. Her hypocrisy is really cringe and bothering here.

She has a thing for textures. She picks up stones, and cloth pieces and rubs her fingers on them sometimes.

she's an artist. She used to draw in red and black a lot, and has some ink sketches journals, where she has drawn random glimpses of her memories. She longs for a calm life by the sea where she can stargaze. The only time she actually did anything other than ink was, when she tried to pain open night skies and oceans. Cause pics like those make her heart ache. She tries painting them to capture the longing for freedom, otherworldliness, calmness, serenity they make her ache for. But she never captured them right and never was satisfied with them.

Something about her orientation? Because of the red room, she has a very complicated relationship with gender expression. The red room forced a form of femininity on her uk? she was forced to reject traditional soft expression of femininity. But forced the ballet kind of femininity, of using femininity as a weapon, or being powerful with feminine grace. She was forced to use her sexuality as a weapon. She thinks that her need to be voluptuous was something beaten into her in the red room. This all caused her a lot of problems with her identity. When she started recognizing what the red room did to her, she had the urge to be reject her sexual expression. This conflicts with her asexuality too. She tried changing a lot. A lot of internalized misogyny angst here. In her struggles to pursue a romantic relationship, she tried to fit in by being stereotypically feminine too, flowers, motherly devotion and care and all that. But she can't do it. She struggles with understanding want for kids. She struggles with gender roles and confuses them with gender too. She shifts a lot. She struggles with defining her own femininity for a long while. Cause she's naturally emotional, she hates herself for it for a long time cause she associates it with weak aspects of femininity. But eventually, she stops the what ifs, and tho it sounds fucked up, she accepts that the red room made her who she is and she doesn't need to fret over what could have become of her, cause after all our circumstances and environment do shape us. eventually she gets around rejecting gender as a concept, thinks it's fluid, and believes its boxing is a total social construct and fraud. She does what she likes. She goes with she/her pronouns cause she believes that they match with her expression and help people perceive her better and know what to expect.

Cause she ded, am sed. Cant hc her for old age, I wish I could. Really.

General Opinion over said character: what can I say, simp for the emotionally wrecked female power icon who hides all her emotions away and keeps the family together is so very fucking devoted,,, is my shit. I'll do anything for her, she can take me in and make me her slave.

I feel like I didn't do well with her. Idk its 2 am, my brain's not the best rn. Maybe ill add more later. Thanks dem <3 sry if this is disappointing 😔