#venting rn sorry guys

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i fucking hate existing,, FUCK

[tetzoro]

getting called out by my boss for not being ‘my usual cheery self’ at work when she knows full on why i’m upset

[dervampireprince]

Wow okay not what I wanted to see right as I'm going to bed. Can anyone confirm this for me? I copy and pasted the link and it just kept redirecting me to the cai homepage. Do I need an account to see it? I read that you can report if your voice has been used without your consent to cai. I'm shaking rn. This is so violating, do not take people's voices without their consent to make ai bots from I. I need to calm down I'm having a panic attack. This is so okay.

[dark-falz]

break incoming next year, personal info below if you're curious but it's a book cause idk how to make it short and sweet I don't wanna think about it either I'm just tired word vomiting gives me less to think about sorry

I've been going through a lot and its been hard to find time to tell you guys. I'm struggling to keep this blog active until next year because with the content I have it shouldn't be that difficult but it is (and I'm very thankful for everyone who's been posting phantasy star content for me to queue!! I'm still sorting through everything still however -_-;)

Works been a bit intense for me, one of the employees who's been there since I started & also helped train me the past 3 years retired. I have 3 years dog grooming experience, I graduated schooling in 4 months, and I'm now training 2 other students who've been in school since....March.

I'm not being paid extra for this, no extra percentage on my comission or anything. Both of them call off once a week, which lands extra dogs on my schedule, meaning my stress level goes up for that day, since I'm not experienced to be faster than alotted times. I'm up to 5 day work weeks for the holiday season which drains my mental energy, I come home and I don't even stare at my phone, I spend my time bouncing between tasks I don't feel like doing and get distracted from with other tasks I don't wanna do. Focusing on anything, even playing PSO with my favorite person, takes an immense amount of will right now.

Sorry for the long post I've deleted posts like this to retype them out at least 3 times now because I'm indecisive on how to tell you guys??? Sorry for the book if it's too much information I don't wanna use the energy to be proper and professional for an upcoming hiatus post idk it's nothing serious I'm just tired I'm tired of not being able to clean my house I'm tired of my ADHD flaring up my body hurts from these 70# dogs I'm tired of forcing myself to take salt baths I'm tired and I'm sorry.

[sneebl]

i will never !!!! fucking!!!!! be someone's number one!!!!!!

[linabirb]

hhi guys still going through it. the pain dimension decided that i should not just have exams and ocd breakdowns to deal with but i also should get sick

[welcometogrouchland]

May I ask about your Jason Todd idea? <3

Hm, okay so. How to lay this out sensitively since I know it might be a tad controversial...

Prefacing by saying I'm not an expert on the minutias of Jason characterization. I like him when he appears, I think the battle for the cowl/Morrison era and some parts of modern era for him are Weird and Bad, but I'm not Jason scholar (for that I'd say maybe check out @/tumblingxelian and their great video essays), I'm just trying to think of what might be an interesting step forward for him.

First, the canon facts

Jason got lobotomized and has panic disorder on steroids. By the end of Gotham War (specifically when Jason was. Flying the batplane into the asteroid. God I can't believe that's the plot) he was finding it in himself to power through said panics

In Joker: The Man Who Stopped Laughing #12, the joker gives Jason a "low dose" of joker venom, which has an ambiguous effect on Jason, allowing him to power through the fear (which joker explicitly states is still very much present, just not physically debilitating, like when Jason couldn't run over in either Catwoman #57 or #58, the one with the kid in the building) even though he'd been able to do that sans venom over in Gotham War, like I previously stated.

The effect of said joker venom seems to be lingering for now, minus the creepy grin side effect it gave Jason over in that man who stopped laughing issue, as seen in the latest batman issue (number is escaping me rn, #147??). He still has the stutter which is a shorthand for fear, he's drawn with fearful expressions by Jorge Jimenez, but he says that he's "working through it" thanks to the chemicals

This is both super interesting and kind of maddening as it doesn't completely remove the consequences of what happened in Gotham War, but is trying to sweep them under the rug and get back to business as usual. I, however, propose making said consequences front and center like a fashionable urn on a mantle piece:

Since it's never stated how exactly the joker venom works, and I think the current answer is "it works how the story needs it to" I've decided that because it's a low dose, it eventually wears off. And when it wears off, Jason's back to square one in terms of mental state. Ergo, if Jason doesn't want to live the rest of his life as quaking shivering husk of his former self...he's going to need more.

(read more for the meat of things)

So, Jason self medicates for a condition given to him by the father he has endlessly complicated feelings towards with a cure invented by a man who represents everything he hates in the world who once tried to take everything from him.

Which, insert poetic cinema gif here, I'm quite proud of myself for that one.

Anyway, there's a lot of directions you could take this. Personally I think it'd be interesting to explore Jason trying to get back into the drug trade like he did in UTRH (FULL TRANSPARENCY I HAVEN'T READ THE FULL COMIC, I KNOW BROADSTROKES BUT IM NOT GONNA TRY AND MAKE PARALLELS) as he tries to use the resources (production plants and other drug runners who can hook him up with samples of joker toxin/similar stuff you can probably find around Gotham) to manufacture his own cure that means never having to go back to the joker again. Maybe he ambushes a joker toxin chemical production plant to get his own supply, and then Jason uses this as his foothold back into that world.

This isn't necessarily me saying we should regress Jason alll the way back to UTRH, that was before his anti-hero era and I'm not willing to fully shoot him back into the past. I just think that's not how you tell good stories in a medium like comics. But it'd inherently be a little different just bc he's doing it for different, slightly more self motivated (depending on your take on villain Jason) reasons and the people around him would have a different reaction to it.

Anyway, all sorts of problems can arise! Depending on how you wanna characterize Jason (wayward son who longs to be back in the fold or black sheep who doesn't play by daddy's rules, etc) he can either a) try and hide this criminal enterprise from his giant family full of nosy detectives (good idea there jay) OR do it out in the open, trying to justify himself but still putting himself on the opposite side of the family again (not the law bc that boy hasn't been on the 'right' side of it since he died)

There's also the fact that Jason now needs to take something 24/7 in order to live his life. He essentially can't be without it, he's dependent on it, in fact he'd get sick without it despite any adverse effects it may have on him (which are guaranteed, I mean. No clinical trials)

I imagine it'd be easy to become addicted to it in some way.

And uh. This is the part where it works slightly better as a fanfic pitch than an actual comic pitch. Because as much as I think it'd be such an interesting beat for Jason's character considering his fraught history with addiction and drugs (looks away from that one urban legends story where he suggests terrorising addicts to get to the suppliers and bruce lectures him. The easiest way to make Mr "we don't sell drugs to children" sympathetic and you beefed it)

I also fully recognise that this is a sensitive topic that DC doesn't have the best track record with (although addicts aren't a monolith and feel a number of ways about addictions portrayals in comics) and that there's probably some pitfalls inherent in the premise, namely bc of Jason's background as an impoverished kid and his grey morality, and how those play into stereotypes of addicts. Addiction is already such a misunderstood and stigmatized condition that I imagine playing with it with an antihero might be enough to turn some people off. Addiction is not a moral failing and I'd hate to write it as a moral failing of Jason akin to his willingness to kill, etc.

But with all that said, I think that stereotypes are primarily harmful because of their shallowness. They inhibit understanding of groups labeled "other" by presenting them in simplistic ways that don't portray richness or complexity. And I think a truly good red hood comic could give both sympathy and complexity to Jason, even as an addict. If anything, Jason is a popular character (mostly) and there could be something nice about seeing a main character go through what you're going through, gritty details and all. YMMV (can we bring that back btw?) and it depends on execution. There's a lot of ways it could go wrong, but seeing as it just lives as a hypothetical rn, I think there's also a lot of ways it could go. I mean, not right, it's a downer story beat for Jason but it's mostly meant to be interesting and a vehicle for more stories as Jason navigates it, ya know?

Anyway, I have a lot of spiels littered in my notes app and discord DMs that elaborate on all this (how this could work as act 1 in a broader Jason story where his little operation goes to shit and he has to hit the road (jack) and maybe do some character development for better or worse. I'm a sucker and wanna say better- not squeaky clean better but. Yknow, finding himself to an extent. I recognise I'm a sap and a fool tho. Or how a new outlaws team could factor into either of those eras (since I do like Jason with an outlaws team. It gives him an excuse to exercise his compelling relationships and dynamics with other characters without having to constantly tip-toe around the elephant in the room whenever he's with the batfamily all the time. He just needs a good lineup) but that's all for another time

... though without elaborating on the vision in my head it kind of just sounds like my pitch is "Jason gets addicted to his hyper-anxiety medication" BUT I SWEAR ITS MORE THAN THAT.

It's like. If Jason has struggled as a character (and this is very subjective on my part so feel free to disagree) because he has compelling relationships with all of the batfamily, but also has compelling grey morality that makes it hard to capitalize on those relationships, without the conflict always coming to "Jason stop killing!" "Nuh uh!" OR just being ignored, and the main way writers have addressed this is via reboots instead of arcs...

Then giving Jason and the bats:

real, legitimate and fresh reason for jay to be mad at Bruce (taking their relationship of love with very little understanding to it's most dramatic conclusion)

give the family a real reason to want to bring him back into the fold (feel bad about the lobotomy and it would be pretty immoral to let Jason waste away slowly and painfully because of something Bruce did)

capitalize on all the ways Jason is sympathetic (bc the addiction is a natural lead into his backstory, which is one of his most sympathetic elements)

And the ways in which he's very out of step with the bats post-resurrection (I'd be mad asf too if i came back to life just for my dad to a) not avenge me and b) LOBOTOMIZE ME meanwhile the cunt ass clown giving me my meds is just lurking out there).

Idk it's not a sophisticated pitch as of this moment but I think a real chef (writer) could cook something w/ this

[madoumonogatarirunelord]

Vent!!!

Might take a break having a few identity problems rn

((Btw I definitely don't agree with my mum's views I just didn't want to make her angry or something along those lines))

[shellxrls]

i AM GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF

[pissfizz]

It frustrates me how often I try to share interests with my friends but they spend the whole time making negative comments about it. Even if they are valid criticisms I am trying to share something I like so why can’t anyone seem to try to take the time to see what I like about it rather than just the things that aren’t perfect? I know it could be better but I want to show you, someone I care about, something I love, and even if it isn’t your thing, you could at least try to appreciate it still… especially when I do it for you all the time too… and I love critiquing media and I have very harsh opinions on things too and I would love to sit down with a friend and dissect something together but I’m tired of it being almost every time and unprompted… it makes me sad and embarrassed of my interests and I wish I could say this to people without sounding like a dick…

[nervocat]

man.

[lilysaus]

i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour everyone is so awful to the teacher and to each other they make my day horrible they make me feel awful i hate this class so much i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour i hate my sixth hour end this class now get me out of here please just end this class i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate my sixth hour i hate it i hate it i hate it

[salon-maiden-anabel]

hhhhhhhhh getting art related anxiety again

[baura-bear]

Trying to be chill about my dog dying but I actually can’t

[doxiedreg]

I am..not okay..

I am and will be safe so don't worry about that but..

My mental health is so so bad and it likely won't meaningfully improve until I either get therapy in the new year or when spring arrives, whichever comes first..

I'm so so glad I have Symba to help me through this, he is so in tune with my emotions and loves me oh so much..

I will be okay in the end but going through the seasonal affective agonies combined with accumulated suppressed trauma and negative emotions does not make for a good time. Especially if you have no way to turn this suppression off because masking/coping is just so ingrained into you that the on and off button no longer works and it's permanently on. So you never are able to properly process stuff, there's a whole layer of your own thoughts and feelings you don't have control over or even access too but you still very much feel the fucking consequences of those feelings and thoughts and know rationally that there's fuckery going on there and that it would be at least relieved with a good cry and confrontation of those forbidden thoughts or feelings but fuck you, you dont have a fucking say over your own fucking brain and body

The only escape i have are my dreams..its the only place where i feel safe and somewhat in control. Even with unpleasant and stressful dreams, i at least get some insight on what my brain is dealing with. And 99 percent of the time I'm at least vaguely aware that I'm dreaming. It's a safe contained headspace where it's just me and the figments of my mind and no complicated shit to deal with. No relentless dark and cold and wetness to endure and I never can get truly harmed there. Even in stressful dreams, even when I'm being bullied in my dreams or reliving school, I vastly prefer it over the waking world. I wish I could go into hibernation until spring, I really do..

But I have a small spicy sausage to look after and I will be damned if he goes hungry or thirsty or isn't able to go on his walk. Even though i hate going outside in the cold and darkness, i will do it for him. Even if i hate him barking his head off and going into a frenzy whenever we encounter a dog or cat outside, I will endure it for him. I will never give him up. I love him so much

He makes the dark daylight savings times at least a tiny bit more bearable and enjoyable.

And I'm grateful for that

[ev-enhotterthanyou]

'yeah its np, I don't care!'

fifteen minutes of quietly sobbing into my pillow later: 'okay. so I decidedly do care'