#let me do my work or send me home then
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getting called out by my boss for not being ‘my usual cheery self’ at work when she knows full on why i’m upset
#tw vent#tw death#tw grief#i lost a family member on tuesday#not to mention in 10 days will be the first anniversary of my closest guy friend passing#and my baby is at the vet#like yeah i’m sorry i can’t fake a smile#let me do my work or send me home then#i do not have it in me to pretend it’s okay rn#and it’s not really a joke so idk why she’s poking fun at it#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims#tbd sorry
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more than one week i will be gone
translations and img descriptions in alt thing
#kabru is using casual language here even though ik he uses polite language for toshiro in jp#its just that it sounds weird to me for a 22 yo to use ho/po for a 26 year old they're friends with 😭😭 feels losyang eh#dungeon meshi fanart#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#toshiro nakamoto#kabru#namari#yes that thing on the last one is me yes i look like mithrun yes the scars do make it painful to move yes i am growing my hair out#kanal talk namari and kabru taglish truther btw . kanal talk is street talk for ppl who live near open sewers (me) iirc#lets be Real toshiro has to commute 6 hours everyday from his work to home i simply dont believe he owns a car. fuck cars forever#i just KNOW when its 8:50 pm on a saturday that man is BOLTING for the lrt-1 station train after 9 hours of work#namari is also a jeepney driver .im assigning every single commute vehicle to her get on the pedikab girl#to me kabru is that one guy who sat inside an empty jeepney and acted like he was a limo princess#i also have like 3 other drawings but i dont. what this post to get too long as it already is so i'll send those later...
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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i am so so close to being able to enjoy the holiday we're SO CLOSE
#[ i work for a church so you can imagine things have been STRESSFUL the last few days#and it sucks bc things have ALREADY BEEN STRESSFUL#i'm literally avoiding sending work e-mails rn LMAO#i feel like i'm so barely keeping my head above water and i'm trying so hard to be EVERYWHERE and do everything and i just cannot do it#i have been pushing myself SO hard and i'm trying to tell myself i'm doing well but it's also really hard when everybody is so#critical of every single move i make#even taking a little time for myself has been criticized to high hell.#it finally boiled over today and i cried. and that's okay.#it's gonna be okay. i'm gonna make it out of this. i'm going to take the deepest breath on Wednesday night.#away from home and surrounded by people who love me.#and tonight and tomorrow i am taking MORE time for myself idc.#we win these. ]#[ this is all i'm gonna let myself say about this bc on GOD i'm writing more tonight and tomorrow i'm gonna have MORE FUN ]#[ ❀ ] ── ` ooc ( saying funny things to the stars )
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#vent post#ok to rb without screenshotting the tags but idk why you'd do that anyways#I'm once again wishing every fellow adult living with their parents a very 'I'm sorry o7'#mom's getting on my case about 'not wanting to be part of the family'#but if dinners are always silent and uncomfortable with all of us not talking then I think it's normal for me to leave the table#when I'm done eating. it's not 'not wanting to be part of the family' it's just not wanting to be somewhere awkward as hell lmfao#like oh okay sorry let me sit here for another fifteen minutes silently bc y'all ignore every conversation I try to start. jesus christ.#goddddddddddddddddddd fuck the housing market lmao#I love my family but I'd like them a hell of a lot more if I didn't live here#a little distance does wonders#anywaysssss sending love to everyone else who is perpetually stuck at home. esp oldest siblings and ill folk 🤝#we'll get out eventually#no more silent dinners and people who find your optimism and attempts to lighten the mood to be juvenile#stay miserable and pragmatic and 'realist'. no joy or whimsy. fucking whatever. I'm not sinking down to cynicism.#what's the opposite of being the moody black sheep of the family lmao. I'm the only one who seems to enjoy being unserious#ok. vent over but fr anyone else stuck at home when they don't want to be: i love you and we'll figure it out in time. things WILL work out#delete later???
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Do you have someone you talk to everyday? Except family
anon why are you trying to give me an existential crisis in the middle of the day:') also. bold of you to assume i talk to my family every day jsfhdkjghjk
#EVERY day every day? idts. i do not talk to my college friends at ALL when im home over the weekends#except rarely when they text me about assignments#but i guess i talk to them every day during the working week cause i meet them every day#i guess i talk to certain mutuals pretty much every day. i think ive talked to phobicule almost every day this week#shoutout to hana and rafaela i think the past couple months ive been talking to them pretty much every day#i USED to have someone id talk to every single day even when we hadnt lived in the same city since elementary school but#that's a different story. she sucks#and i dont think we've been friends let alone best friends in like eight months now#and there were a couple of other people id talk to every day and we still do talk and i still love them as much obviously#but im just constantly drained and overworked so not EVERY day#and there are some people i wish i could talk to more but somehow have even less time and energy than i do#but i dont think we're any less close than we used to be because of that. life's just hectic we're still a call away#anon (derogatory)#<- sorry:')#im assuming you saw my college post and i dont really get why youd send this lol
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~ ~ ~
#for the last couple days whenever I try to talk to partner about something more serious I’m feeling/thinking they just acknowledge that#they read it and then just blow it off. like putting a sad face emoji to show they read my message and then sending 💕 which is our#indicator for ‘don’t want to/can’t talk right now’. and if they were at work I’d understand but then they don’t try to let me talk later#when we’re together either. and this has even been happening at times where they’re home on a day off. I get maybe not having the energy or#capacity to let someone vent or complain or whatever but at the same time… we’ve been together a year and a half and we live together now#and they’re supposed to be the person I can count on to let me talk and help me feel better if I’m depressed or sad or anxious or whatever#I would do it for them and I do actually do it for them whenever they need me to because I believe that’s what a good partner should do#and yeah my problems are not very serious but they’re still a big deal to me and making me sad/upset and I want to be able to talk about#them outside of just going to therapy once a week. therapy is great and all but emotions aren’t programmed to just line up with a session#I’m still going to think and feel things during the rest of my time outside of therapy and need support and I’m just not getting it now#but what am I supposed to do? try to force them to listen to me? that wouldn’t be fair to either of us#guess I’ll just be stuck alone with my thoughts as usual#personal
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MY LIFE IS NOT REAL WHAT IS GOING ON
#GUYS#so for context before i get into the storytime i currently live at home with my mom and brother#and my mom came into my room at like 10:30 and said ‘i need you to go downstairs and be the adult right now because i can’t deal with this’#(my mom is 54 and i’m 20 but sure i’ll be the adult???)#so basically. my brother (13) gave our fucking address to some random person on discord who claims to be 11 but who the fuck knows#keep in mind my brother was born in 2011 so he’s grown up with the internet his whole life#and he’s been told countless times by my entire family not to give out personal information online but he has done it multiple times#anyway he says he and his friends from school have been talking to this ‘kid’ on discord for like a year#and none of them know him irl bc he lives in rhode island or something but they’ve apparently been on video calls with him and seen his face#so there’s a good chance he actually is a kid but i personally don’t trust anything online anymore so i’m not totally convinced#but anyway he apparently sent my brother what looked like a youtube link but when he clicked on it it gave this kid his ip address#i have no idea how that shit works or if that’s possible but that’s what he’s saying#and then my brother was arguing with this kid bc i guess he’s racist?? and the kid was like ‘just remember i have your address’#and my brother is being super vague about everything but i guess the kid implied he was going to send a swat team to our house or some shit#so my brother freaked out and called the cops and since my mom wanted me to be the adult i had to go sit downstairs and wait for them#and let me tell you it was so fucking embarrassing standing there while my brother told the cop this insane story#and while my brother was inside getting his phone the cop asked me ‘so what’s the deal do you think this is legit or just kids talking shit’#like bro don’t ask me i have no idea what the fuck is going on and i’m so sorry you had to come to our house to deal with this 😭#anyway he’s going to file a report so if the cops get a call anytime soon about a murder or something happening at our house—#—they’ll call me or my mom to ask what’s going on and make sure it’s not this fucking kid from rhode island swatting us#so that was my night! what the fuck#i’ve never regretted moving back home more than i do right now#lj.txt
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god sometimes i wish the whole "you wouldn't say/do that to a physically disabled person" lie that certain mentally ill people say was true bc i fucking WISH i could use "I'm in a wheelchair" as a gotcha for people being ableist against me. unfortunately,
#so my psych that I'm dropping the SECOND i get a new (better) one#like that whole facility. they DO have telehealth/video appointments#but they fucking?????? make the PATIENT DRIVE TO THE BUILDING FOR THE APPOINTMENT#WHILE THE DOCTOR IS AT FUCKING HOME. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GO INTO HER OFFICE WHEN SHE'S NOT EVEN THERE?????#like it's actually fucking ridiculous AND they NEVER get interpreters when requested AND they ONLY allow to schedule by PHONE#like- my Deaf mother literally physically cannot communicate with them because they refuse to speak to a video phone interpreter#or let her talk to them in person or via email. it actually pisses me off so fucking much#and like. most doctors offices. if you're late they give you 15 minutes before they declare you a no show and cancel#that place gives FIVE MINUTES. i walked in SIX MINUTES LATE one day and BEGGED them to just let me do the appointment#and they still refused#so i was out of meds for like. two weeks. anyway#the last straw was the last TWO times i went i was in my wheelchair#and the doors. open inwards to the rooms#so they closed me in the room for the appointment#and i PHYSICALLY COULDN'T GET OUT because i COULDN'T OPEN THE DOOR because there wasn't enough wheelchair space#and i had to frantically text my mom to let me out and SHE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR IT when i was SOBBING#bc i had tried genuinely screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to let me out of the room but nobody fucking heard me#and the second time i told the nurse 'HEY I CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE WITH MY CHAIR' and she was like 'don't worry I'll come get you'#she never did. i had to get my mom again#not fucking going back there ever again they've only ever pissed me off more with every single interaction#oh also they only let you schedule new appointments after they SEND YOU A LETTER SAYING YOU CAN CALL TO SCHEDULE NOW#if you call before then they DON'T LET YOU#and they give literally fucking 3-5 day later appointments when I've requested SEVERAL times I NEED A TWO WEEK NOTICE FOR WORK#also they don't give a shit about cutting you off your medicine cold turkey and not refilling it until several requests later#fuck that place. i hope every good doctor there finds a better job and the building gets abandoned and crumbles to the ground.
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everything’s falling APARTTTT
#personal#the engineering chronicles#didn’t finish probability hw + have lab in that class no clue how to do it + couldn’t get into lab to finish lab for other class bc my lab#access card is missing and the guy the website says to contact for replacements isn’t replying to my emails + was going to work on it w lab#partner but she decided to fuck off and do it on her own so now there is literally no way for me to finish it since no one is ever in there#to let me in when i look + we’re not allowed to be in there alone anyway + ON TOP OF THAT will have to leave the next lab for that class#halfway thru so probably won’t finish that lab either + diffeq group project due tmrw that ive done most of and no one else has touched#since i did what i did + physics exam tmrw.#also we’re going over circuits exams today so i will need to see my probably solid 20% on that YAYYYY#i just want to go home and paint and glaze my cats good fucking god#the physics chronicles#the calc chronicles#<- it’s not but i don’t want to make a new tag for diffeq#edit why did my grandma send me a text saying ‘one more day!’ immediately after i posted this WRDHFN 😭
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i started writing a whole thing about mir and her mom and then i realized i accidentally gave the briadis family the perfect set up for a tragic family empire tv show
#her mom is a powerful merchant who wants to pass the business on to her kids#her oldest brother is being groomed for the job but he’s better at and prefers life as a ship captain#no matter how hard they try to bring him home!#her oldest sister wants the job TOO MUCH and tries to hard but it’s not good at it#and their mom kind of disdains her for it. lol#elaine is smart enough and good enough with people to do it but she’s too soft#and wants to burn the whole thing down bc they sold mir to the order and stopped her sending letters to her#mir’s younger siblings are enjoying traveling as part of a ships crew while they work their way up but i don’t think their mom#has high hopes for them.#ironically given mir’s personality she might have been good at it if she’d been trained!!#and their mom knows this and knew it before she sold mir to the order but she was never going to let a magianis have control of it#which brings me back to the thing that started this: mir’s mom genuinely thought it was best to sell her to the order bc she couldn’t#protect mir from the consequences of being magianis and thought being trained by the order was the best way to keep her safe#and that if they paid for her they would think of her as an investment (merchant brain logic that was also just her pacifiying herself into#thinking it was right. did she actually believe this?? would it have mattered?? well. who can say!)#they do all have names i just can’t off the top of my head remember ahdhdjsk#oc: mirren sero#i need a text post tag#when was the last time i wrote a wall of tags about her…i miss her#i should add. her mom thought it would keep mir safe but also it was a convenient way to get her out of the way. so
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blog wide meme call?? just REPLY TO THIS POST and let me know which of my muses you want things from, i’ll send them your way. as many as you want. or you can just LIKE THIS POST for a random assortment of them sent your way.
if also a multimuse, you can lemme know which muse(s) of yours you want things for, otherwise they’ll be left open for you to pick! and if you wanna toss memes at any of my muses, feel free
open to any and all mutuals, whether we’ve interacted before or not
#(( ooc. ))#meme call ( random )#gotta head into town before too long here but gonna attempt a little writing before then#and will see if my body lets me do more when i get home!#will send these inbetween working on replies
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day two done (ish) of straight 9 hrs of sculpting \o/ its a bit jarring going from grunt work with sporadic creative moments to nonstop creative shit. my brain hasn't done this in a while LOL. (it feels really REALLY good though). i will probably continue after dinner today too because im ahead of my portfolio schedule and if i can get this one thing done today, i can have all day tomorrow to maybe add some extra pieces in :)
#Journal shit#The carrot on a stick im using is geno#If i finish this in time to render it on saturday and get it out there sunday#I will let myself sculpt evgeni's face for my next project LOL#Whatever its working \o/#My friends keep sending me links to jobs#I mean who keeps their portfolio recent while they are working?????? :/ i dont know but whoever they are they are probably too perfect#I am not that#I guess i should i just...usually the last thing i want to do when i get home after work is do MORE 3D shit#All i want to do is draw
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working from home sucks. like how DARE you stress me out in my own home
#I only wfh once or twice a week and they might as well just give me the day off#50% of my job pertains to people coming up to me in the moment and asking questions#or my manager leaning over and askingn me to do something#so….don’t really have that at home#just let me send out my silly little reports and move my silly little work orders and be done for the day#I only do like 3 straight hours of work at home and STILL get everything done#full time jobs are such a scam#ashley speaks now
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great news everyone! I have next week off and fucking forgot about it lmao
#also they let me work five and a half hours before sending me off to my break so i only have one and a half left after!#additionally i have a tasty little treat :)#i'm gonna get some groceries after work and head home to enjoy three days off <3#idk i'm in a good mood today? hope it sticks#weather's nice so that could be it#or that i didn't have to do register bullshit once today lol#thinking about dropping by my dad's later and giving him back the jacket i borrowed on new year's 😭#rayrambles
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Im saying, mind you they have been amazing to me in person at cons and sweet to me online.
"We need more unapologetically weird folks!" you guys can't even handle furries
#mind you I've always been insecure with Mfers online#so many folks online think niggas from the hood dont have online hobbies#ion gotta code switch no furry I can be my unapologetic self and they be like AND YOU HAVE A SONA TOO SO COOL HI#ntm this gonna some fucking wild but had it not been for furries or the furry fandom would of 100% ended up dead like many of my friends#sounds dramatic dont it? not really while I did run on the street andparty it up...there were times I stayed my ass home Iming friends or#talking to a client back and forth sending wips... lets not forget that one time I stayed home to work one on one with a client online#sending wips instead of going to this house party I told my friends I was going to low an behold the party got shot up.... and folks got#hurt and guess who dodged a literal bullet!! I DID I will never forget that shit#Love me my furries thanks for keeping my ass busy and out of harms way yuh know and pushing me to do better in my work
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