#so i was out of meds for like. two weeks. anyway
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god sometimes i wish the whole "you wouldn't say/do that to a physically disabled person" lie that certain mentally ill people say was true bc i fucking WISH i could use "I'm in a wheelchair" as a gotcha for people being ableist against me. unfortunately,
#so my psych that I'm dropping the SECOND i get a new (better) one#like that whole facility. they DO have telehealth/video appointments#but they fucking?????? make the PATIENT DRIVE TO THE BUILDING FOR THE APPOINTMENT#WHILE THE DOCTOR IS AT FUCKING HOME. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GO INTO HER OFFICE WHEN SHE'S NOT EVEN THERE?????#like it's actually fucking ridiculous AND they NEVER get interpreters when requested AND they ONLY allow to schedule by PHONE#like- my Deaf mother literally physically cannot communicate with them because they refuse to speak to a video phone interpreter#or let her talk to them in person or via email. it actually pisses me off so fucking much#and like. most doctors offices. if you're late they give you 15 minutes before they declare you a no show and cancel#that place gives FIVE MINUTES. i walked in SIX MINUTES LATE one day and BEGGED them to just let me do the appointment#and they still refused#so i was out of meds for like. two weeks. anyway#the last straw was the last TWO times i went i was in my wheelchair#and the doors. open inwards to the rooms#so they closed me in the room for the appointment#and i PHYSICALLY COULDN'T GET OUT because i COULDN'T OPEN THE DOOR because there wasn't enough wheelchair space#and i had to frantically text my mom to let me out and SHE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR IT when i was SOBBING#bc i had tried genuinely screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to let me out of the room but nobody fucking heard me#and the second time i told the nurse 'HEY I CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE WITH MY CHAIR' and she was like 'don't worry I'll come get you'#she never did. i had to get my mom again#not fucking going back there ever again they've only ever pissed me off more with every single interaction#oh also they only let you schedule new appointments after they SEND YOU A LETTER SAYING YOU CAN CALL TO SCHEDULE NOW#if you call before then they DON'T LET YOU#and they give literally fucking 3-5 day later appointments when I've requested SEVERAL times I NEED A TWO WEEK NOTICE FOR WORK#also they don't give a shit about cutting you off your medicine cold turkey and not refilling it until several requests later#fuck that place. i hope every good doctor there finds a better job and the building gets abandoned and crumbles to the ground.
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Imagine you're a robot girl (stay with me) and you're made by a corporation right like you're made by a company for other people but like. You're made by a company. At any moment that company could decide that your line isn't profitable enough and they could cut software updates and support as soon as tomorrow. In the blink of an eye the very things keeping you alive stop coming and you've become terminally ill overnight, your only chance of salvation being the thin hope that in the future a niche group of data hoarders or software engineers become obsessed with getting you to work again. You're an object with sentience and a brain and wants and needs and at any moment the Google news feed of the crusty computer nerd you live with could spit an alert across your eyes telling you that you have months to live.
What even happens when the time runs out? Does life continue as normal, but you're sick more and more often? Do the viruses take more and more processing power to fight off as your security protocols fall out of date? Does the world become muted and distant as your compatibility fails? Do you one day just lose your Internet connection forever, a loss so profound that you can't explain it to your human companions? It's worse than a limb, but not quite like losing your mind.
Do you lose function bit by bit, or are you able to scrape by on second hand parts? Bit by bit replacing the pieces of you that fail, all the while living a muted, disorienting existence without the ability to right yourself? Are you more or less of a person now that you've lost touch with the network? Lost your connection to the metaphysical, to you, the divine? Are you eventually bricked after falling behind one too many software patches? Do you fry after trying to take on an update you're not able to even contain, a piece of software so complex and unfathomable that it burns you to a crisp from the inside out
#messages from knave#i had an LG phone when they turned off update support i was Devastated#I never got a hold of a software key so there's no way for me to go back now and get that old phone to work#my old roommate had an iphone six. when that iphone six broke they cashed it in for another iphone six. now all iphone sixes are#essentially bricked forever because they cant support newer apple software#anyway android 14 update coming this week#had a panic attack that i might have to take my tonsils out in the future and i cant just not talk for two weeks#my job is answering the phone. that'd be like turning off my most basic function I'd be so screwed#well. ALMOST had a panic attack. my meds kicked in before it really got going. theyre not meant for anxiety but they sure do something#ok to rb#if we're still doing that
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in case you were wondering why I’ve been a bit absent minded and sick lately. btw. it’s this guy.
#positive / very much wanted btw lmao#I personally hate when people go ‘I’m pregnant’ and I don’t know if I should say congrats or find the planned parenthood number yknow#I’d blame the Bean but it��s not the fetus’ fault my uterus has been pumping out so much estrogen#to build the baby chamber#anyway I’m now on prescription meds so instead of nauseous I’m just hungry#in a way I’ve never been hungry before#I pregamed dinner by walking to the taco shop and having a barbacoa taco and huge mound of pico#and still ate a full dinner two hours later#but. I’m 9 weeks now and I know they say wait until 12 but also#they saw a heart beat so unless the anatomy scan they’re like#‘woah that thang’s fucked up’ the Bean shouldn’t miscarry#so I’m telling now :) hai
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Working on finishing up a cloak for a cosplay while Nugget was out. She thinks she needs to steal my fleece.
#i love her#She’s like#My favorite person#also we finally got her into a competent vet and I honestly really like them#They are specifically bird specialists#the people who gave us nugget put her back in the nest three times and she fell out four from a very high height#starlings are very butt heavy when they are babies#which means she would have fell on her butt from high up four times#we had to help her poop the first two weeks because she couldn’t do it herself#we’ve always thought she looked hunched#and when she molted#her tail never grew back#We’ve always wondered if her butt or spine was damaged in the fall#and they were worried about it as well so they did xrays and Sure which#*enough#it was#in such a way that would reduce blood flow to her tail#and feathers need blood flow to grow#therefore no tail#She’s now on meds that are supposed to help circulation to smaller parts of the body#We shall see#Anyway#ramble that literally no one asked for#Nugget#starling#pet starling#starling bird#european starling#nugget sighting
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good morning phannies if I wasn't late for work today i might be dead or injured rn how is everyone's morning going???
#personal#holy fucking SHIT#the bus I'd usually get crashed BADLY#so many ambulances and people on the floor like holy fucking shit that could have been me if i didn't oversleep#hoping no one died#it looked so bad#anyway I'm about to have my week in March cause i ran out of antidepressants and this ain't helping#edit I'm getting meds today don't worry about me okay it's just been two days without meds and my mind is FUCKED
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i know its only been 1 month but if instead of improving/curing my pmdd, birth control just spreads the symptoms out so that i can get hit w them anytime instead of just during Hell Week, that will. not be ideal
#kcqt rambles#i KNEW my body wasnt gonna have the Expected Reaction to these meds my body doesnt have the Expected Reaction to fucking ANYTHING#like yeah sure all my symptoms have been *milder* than they got during Hell Week#but its been (checks notes) two weeks and counting since they started#two weeks of mild symptoms sucks just as much if not more than one week of severe symptoms#esp since i cant anticipate when theyre starting/stopping like i cld before#like. i knew when my cramps started id be out of commission for the next 48-ish hours#and then theyd be gone and id be (relatively) good again#but ive been getting random contractions for TWO WEEKS NOW#thank god i waited till i wasnt working to try this thats all i can say#if id tried to work thru this. well. i simply wldntve been able to#PLEASE let this just be the initial adjustment period#PLEASE let things get better as time goes on#sigh i need a separate kcqt whines tag for stuff like this#kcqt whines#there we go lol#anyway i still have Bad Brain so im gonna go disappear again goodbye
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#plus I'm off my psych meds so the mania hits like a motherfuckin truck#my brother is out of the house rn so I get to pump my music loud which is great cause it's so much better through his speakers#and I'm making a grilled cheese sandwich so my life is pretty much perfect#and I'm L not R so I'm happy being alone with myself like this#not bogged down with her excessively social needs. I can just bop on my own#danced a lil too hard and now I'm slightly sweaty#also I accidentally burnt one side of my grilled cheese rip my soul I'm gonna cry#this would be the perfect mood to dump my boyfriend if I didn't know better than to make decisions when I'm manic#anyway. life is good rn. sure I'll be depressed again in a week or two but for now I'm living it up
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ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.
but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)
LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!
#why do both of my parents need to be so impressively incompetent. i like. cannot find the words for how . i feel about this#like. idc about crimes. go forth. be free. but maybe. just maybe. you should not make your job#“hi today i will post about how i am selling illegally possessed objects on a widely used public forum”#dont do crimes STUPID. yanno.#in other parent news. its now like. month 6 or so of dad refusing to get his insurance reinstated.#hes been on the same step (taking his paystubs to the dhhr office) for like 3 months?#anyway apparently he found out today/last night that when he was a kid he was diagnosed with gastroparesis !#which is like ! cool! you have a diagnosis AND ive been living with that for 16 years and can help you 🥰#but we were sitting there with mom (this was right before the knife thing) and she was like “well you gotta get your insurance now so you#can get on the right meds“ and dad was like yeah ill go....#and mom was saying well go in the morning when they open etc etc and he was like i will#and i pointed out that just two weeks ago i told him that too. and he didnt want to. bc hed lose money due to not being able to work#and mom was like well he doesnt work at 8am. and i was like yeah i know but i told him to go at 8am two weeks ago and that was his response#and then he proceeded to claim that this whole time he didnt know they opened at 8am.#folks. he doesnt start working until like...usually 10 or so. WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICE DOESNT OPEN UNTIL 10.#PLUS. WE LIVE IN A RURAL HOUR. *BUSY* TAKES LIKE AN HOUR. MOST OF THE TIME YOURE IN AND OUT WITHIN 20 MINITES.#ive been fucking considering PAYING HIM to go get it.#and then he claims he didnt know it opened at 8am. when i have told him that. MULTIPLE TIMES.#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THISSSS THEYRE THE MOST IMMATURE ADULTS IVE EVER MET AND THATS IMPRESSIVE!!!#IVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR RENT IN COKE OR WHO ARE ESSENTIALLY PROFESSIONAL PARTIERS. AND *THEYRE* MORE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE THAN MY#PARENTS. SO WHAT GIVES.#also theyre 50 like cmon yall. youre not even 20 or 30. i think you should know how to not like. get your job shut down or die of lack#of medication.#did i tell yall one of the times a few months ago i was nagging dad abt getting his insurance#his response was literally. no exxageration.#he was like oughhh i dont wanna see doctors because then theyll find out somethings wrong with me#and ill have to go on a bunch of medication.#and then he actually for real. said.#“being on too many medications killed my grandma”#even mom was like cmon man. thats not even true. they misdiagnosed her and put her on WRONG meds. she wasnt even on that many.
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once again i have experienced medical malpractice at the hands of a male doctor 😔
#girl im sorry for reverse sexism or whatever but i have chronic pain and a bunch of shit and ive seen a lot of doctors#i dont know why every single male doctor ive had lacks empathy to a dangerous degree and is a power-abusing narcissist but here we are#i had to go to one for chest pain bc my usual GP was out and he fucking scolded me about my medication; unprescribed half my pain meds#ignored all my medical history and sign-offs and told me to basically 'stop being anxious' LMAO#then refused a nurse for a physical and didn't let me have my blood pressure/blood work checked even though its required bc of my meds#and listen i started like crying in his office bc i was so caught off guard and overwhelmed#and he was like 'this is what you NEED to remember your counseling for' like AHHHHHH#anyway going back to my actual GP in two weeks and its hard but im gonna put in complaint bc i WONT be fucked over by malpractice ever agai#like him cutting off half of my active meds (for no reason) the way he did would 100% put me into withdrawal like HUHH???!? AHHH
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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#i hate trying to pack when i'm legit moving because like. i need stuff??#i've had most everything packed for a week but i have to like. wear clothes and use my laptop and take my meds and brush my teeth#so there's all this little stuff that just has to stay out and get in the way#and i can't even wash the clothes i have to wear on the last two days because because my dryer doesn't work so I have to pack those dirty#seriously considering just picking an outfit i'm not too attached to so i can toss in the trash instead of having to resuffle my luggage#anyway#two more days#moving drama#personal
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just me life updating about moving and other ramblings in the tags lmao
#self obs#not snz#this shit is so stressful what the fuck?????#i also have a million projects due on sunday that i’ve barely started so saturday i move sunday i library#i am so happy to get out of my current living situation cause the people i live with couldn’t give two shits about me#it’s giving my childhood lmao🧍♀️#also i got diagnosed with pcos this week and am going to be starting meds for it next week so if anyone has any suggestions lmk#i heard back about my research and i got accepted so im super excited about that!!!!!#anyways my life is all over the place right now but hopefully after this weekend i’ll be on the up?#all my finals are in the next two weeks so i’m just so stressed#i can’t wait to eat a real meal i’ve been living off of energy drinks this week like 800mg of caffeine plus my adderall#yeah my doctor is very concerned about my heart but like fuck it we ball#anyways i’m stressed so i took a few shots lmao i hope you all are well#hopefully i’ll be more active and posting snz stuff soon#TELL ME WHY I FORGOT ABOUT MY OCS lmao i’ll write for them soon i promise#ok goodnight i need to pack more
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i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it
#i feel like it’s getting worse too#like its always hasn’t been great but the past few weeks have been especially bad#why can’t i remember things!! why is my short term memory sucking ass!!!!!!#like if i don’t write/type things down i loose it#making me wanna rip my hair out what the fuck is going on!!!!!#gonna start playing those phone games that improve memory or whatever#it’s either that or going to my mom for an essential oil recommendation#i know it’s probably some undiagnosed shit but im also like. i can’t keep blaming whatever is wrong with my brain because its a problem with#/me/. ya know?? like. yeah it is something with my brain. obviously. but i need to take some sort of action to fix it. and i dont know what#that action is#besides the two options i said before#or carrying a fucking notebook around and writing down everything. which is stupid also and i know won’t last a week#problem is im gonna forget about any rule i come up with since as soon as im preoccupied with something else. i’ll forget the rule#i would need a hat with the reminder on paper tapped to the hat#so it’s always dangling in front of my eyes#i don’t know what else to do at this point!!!!#it’s making me so worried about going away for college. cause yeah i did really well at community. but if i have the deteriorating memory#of a goldfish who’s constantly banging its head against the glass. how am i gonna make it through university.#i love writing essays in the tags that no one will read <3#having a ball rn. a great time. not feeling like a waste of resources at all rn. feeling great.#if my mom doesn’t let me wear my earbuds tomorrow i think ill scream#anyways. gonna bake some blueberry lemon sweet rolls tomorrow#me rambling#i love being undiagnosed#but let’s be real#being diagnosed won’t give me anything other than more of an excuse#because i can’t go on meds with my current living situation#and i also don’t really want to go on meds because i don’t trust them#feeling silly i think ill actually post this one maybe someone has a suggestion for what to do#vent
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hmhmm i think im gonna take a tumbly break until october ive decided ☆
#i think my lack of meds is kinda fucking me up and i cant get a refill until assumedly oct when i go to the doc so#yeah#ive been ok w keeping up my schoolwork and Kind of my chores and the like but i feel like im slowly slipping so#it will be good for me to minimize distractions for now#its just two weeks so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#assuming i dont fall off the face of the earth like last time <- has disappeared for over a year#anyways thats it ermmm anyone who has my discord is free to msg me i suppose . . . ? im gonna be logging out of tumblr so ☆#oh and if uu rlly rlly want my discord for some reason its in my rentry lol#that is all !!! goodbye for now o7
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Took twice the max dose of melatonin before the final revision for tomorrow’s exam, I’m shitting my pants and I genuinely don’t know anything as thoroughly as I should but if I sleep less than 4 hrs before it I just know I’m gonna do even worse somehow
#don’t take twice the max dose of anything btw#genuinely don’t do the shit that I do#i only did it bc I know my limits and haven’t had any other substances in over 24 hrs but don’t ever try it#always talk to your gp before taking any meds and supplements at all#anyway psa aside#I want to revise for two hrs so until 1.30am circa but I genuinely hope I pass out sometime in the next hours and a half#godspeed ig#uni#melatonin#I have super high expectations but I genuinely prepared this exam in like 4 days and my brain has been all over the place#haven’t had the chance (economic too so please please consider sparing a couple of bucks for my ko-fi?) to meet my therapist in 2 weeks#been super suicidal super busy dealing with stuff and people and my family and uni and ah oh how I wish I had a brain able to focus#also the ‘visions of horror’ as I call them have lowkey turned into auditory hallucinations that never stop and it’s… tough#genuinely so tired of everything in general#I’d promised to hang with my uni friends after the exam bc I should be done my midday tops but I know im gonna be super sad and underwhelme#so I hope I can be at home by 4 pm tops with one excuse or the other#I love them all so much but I need a break. also bc I got another exam in less than a fucking week and I still haven’t started studying for#it because it’s objectively easier than tomorrow’s and because when was I supposed to study for it#I spent 3 good days working on a paper that isn’t even mine for a subject I don’t even take#a favor for a friend which turned into 3 more friends asking me if I could help them with theirs#and you know me#I never say no. unfortunately. but also I’m super glad they want my help bc they know I can write at least (one good thing)#but. that’s still -3 days available#then. the demons#wasted so many hours just pacing and biting my nails raw and being pathetic#so yeah. in a little under 15 hrs I want to be in bed again. resting until the 19th when the cycle will begin anew#also math ain’t mathing. my exam is in 12 hrs only now 13.
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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