#i will never inflict harm on myself apart from neglect through exhaustion sometimes

[doxiedreg]

I am..not okay..

I am and will be safe so don't worry about that but..

My mental health is so so bad and it likely won't meaningfully improve until I either get therapy in the new year or when spring arrives, whichever comes first..

I'm so so glad I have Symba to help me through this, he is so in tune with my emotions and loves me oh so much..

I will be okay in the end but going through the seasonal affective agonies combined with accumulated suppressed trauma and negative emotions does not make for a good time. Especially if you have no way to turn this suppression off because masking/coping is just so ingrained into you that the on and off button no longer works and it's permanently on. So you never are able to properly process stuff, there's a whole layer of your own thoughts and feelings you don't have control over or even access too but you still very much feel the fucking consequences of those feelings and thoughts and know rationally that there's fuckery going on there and that it would be at least relieved with a good cry and confrontation of those forbidden thoughts or feelings but fuck you, you dont have a fucking say over your own fucking brain and body

The only escape i have are my dreams..its the only place where i feel safe and somewhat in control. Even with unpleasant and stressful dreams, i at least get some insight on what my brain is dealing with. And 99 percent of the time I'm at least vaguely aware that I'm dreaming. It's a safe contained headspace where it's just me and the figments of my mind and no complicated shit to deal with. No relentless dark and cold and wetness to endure and I never can get truly harmed there. Even in stressful dreams, even when I'm being bullied in my dreams or reliving school, I vastly prefer it over the waking world. I wish I could go into hibernation until spring, I really do..

But I have a small spicy sausage to look after and I will be damned if he goes hungry or thirsty or isn't able to go on his walk. Even though i hate going outside in the cold and darkness, i will do it for him. Even if i hate him barking his head off and going into a frenzy whenever we encounter a dog or cat outside, I will endure it for him. I will never give him up. I love him so much

He makes the dark daylight savings times at least a tiny bit more bearable and enjoyable.

And I'm grateful for that