#unhinged parents

[gayfiretruck]

My mother says the most out of pocket shit. Case in point:

Me: If I ever met Pedro Pascal I would end up in the hospital with a concussion because I fainted.

My mother not two seconds later: The doctor will ask what happened, I'll say "I don't know, she saw Pedro Pascal, She came too hard, and then she died.

Que me falling over unable to breathe.

[wileycap]

AITA for striking my (M43) son (M20) when he rejected me as his father?

I understand that the title might have you thinking the worst, but please hear me out.

I didn't have a relationship with my son for basically all his life. This was due to my circumstances at the time: I went through a major personal tragedy and was severely injured, to the point of being on life support. To this day I have a lot of issues with my health.

I recently reconnected with my son. I immediately invited him to meet my boss (M92), in hopes that I could set him up with a job opportunity. I feel that this is significant. As far as I know, my son has been working in menial jobs in agriculture, but then apparently chose to leave that life and - to my shock - join a criminal syndicate.

I felt as if getting a good government job would be a way to turn over a new leaf in his life, especially given his past. However, he immediately became combative. I attempted to give him some guidance in managing his emotions, but he rejected that as well.

I'm sad to say that the argument became physical. Some blows were exchanged, but in the end, I was angry enough to strike him. I immediately felt very bad, and decided to offer him the government job on the spot. He rejected me again, and chose to leave very abruptly. I haven't had any contact with him since.

So, AITA?

Edit: Yes, I admit that to call it striking him was an understatement. To clarify, I cut off his hand.

Edit: However, I feel like it should be stated that I myself am a quadruple amputee and we have excellent healthcare.

Edit: I did not immediately identify myself as his father when we met. I think this was my mistake. I think he would have been much more receptive of my message had I done so. As it stands I only told him of our relationship after I had struck him.

Edit: My wife is not in the picture. To my knowledge she passed before his birth.

[sunderwight]

Modern AU where Shen Yuan accidentally sugar-daddies everyone.

So for the purposes of this, Shen Yuan's family is basically $10 Bananas levels of cluelessly rich. Shen Yuan has almost never had to look at the prices of anything he wants. He and his siblings all get an allowance from the family's main account, which increases when they reach adulthood, and in the interest of fairness his parents made it all the same size. So Shen Yuan gets the same amount of money for his daily living expenses as his older brothers with their penthouse apartments and vacation homes and private jets, at least from the family account (since he doesn't work, he doesn't actually make as much as them in total because they earn more on top of their allowances).

And the thing is, Shen Yuan genuinely just lives a lot more humbly. He likes people but what would he do with a vacation house? Anything really nice would probably require him to fly to get out there, and he gets sick as hell on planes. Living in the central city is also not great for him, because the air pollution is so bad. Having a whole house to himself would also be ridiculous. So he has a reasonable apartment, in a reasonable area, and he splurges every so often on purchases that make him happy and take-out food that he likes, and of course he pays a cleaning service to come in twice a week. Most people assume he's comfortably middle class and has some tech job he does from home, but he's been getting a lot more than he's been spending in his monthly allowances for years now, and the figures are big.

Enter into this environment author Airplane and his trash novels. Novels, multiple, because in this AU there's no PIDW, and instead after some alternate PIDW prototype got popular in the harem genre, Airplane decided to churn out a series of copy-paste shorter stories rather than recycling the same subplots in one massively long epic.

Shen Yuan of course discovers Airplane's writing and becomes as obsessed with it as ever, except this time he notices that if there are delays between new stories, they seem to clear up faster whenever he throws some cash at the problem. And also that the drops in Airplane's writing quality coincide with times when Shen Yuan was having health issues and not keeping up with his VIP purchases. So, he works out that Airplane's probably doing the writing for the money, and that when Peerless Cucumber isn't paying the most for it, Airplane starts listening to the other buffoons in the comment section more to try and entice them to pay his bills instead.

Peerless Cucumber leaves a comment on one of Airplane's latest stories that kicks off the two of them actually chatting, and Shen Yuan eventually gets to the point of offering to fund all Airplane's writing, in exchange for Airplane not doing his crap sellout stuff to appeal to other readers anymore. Airplane thinks he's joking or maybe mocking him. Shen Yuan asks how much it would cost. Airplane fires off a ridiculous number. Shen Yuan doesn't even blink and wires him the first payment. Then he gets annoyed because Airplane leaves him on read for a while, but that's because Airplane is staring at his account balance in shock.

Of course, it's Airplane who starts referring to Peerless Cucumber as his sugar daddy. Shen Yuan is just like "based on your sex scenes I don't think anyone would pay you for that" and Airplane's all "but you WOULD pay for my sex scenes ^_~" and Shen Yuan's like "technically I am actually paying you not to write that shit" and so on. Usual banter. The quality of Airplane's writing improves dramatically, a lot of his readership drops off but he does get new readers and gradually builds up an even bigger fanbase than before, and so on, it all goes pretty well. He eventually writes a few things that take off to the point of getting physical publications and international translations. Technically Airplane no longer needs Shen Yuan to pay all of his bills by that point but he's not going to tell Shen Yuan that! The contract's still good as long as he keeps writing!

Then one of Airplane's online acquaintances runs into some financial trouble and asks for help.

Liu Mingyan used to beta read for Airplane back when he wrote fanfiction (she was like thirteen, Airplane was unaware because internet and hey free beta), and it seems her family has hit a rough patch. She wants tips on how to go pro, but Airplane explains that it was extremely difficult and he mostly lucked out by finding a single wealthy backer. Mingyan wonders if the same guy would be interested in her writing, Airplane sadly thinks not because Mingyan exclusively writes kinky danmei erotica and Peerless Cucumber seems pretty firmly in the closet still and also generally prefers plotty and world-building heavy stuff.

But like, Airplane has definitely gotten a vibe off of Cucumber-bro, and Mingyan's gorgeous older brother does video streams of himself doing cool martial arts and swordsmanship stuff. So he asks her permission and when she gives it, he recommends Liu Qingge's videos to Shen Yuan, being sure to mention that the guy in question can't really afford to keep up with his hobbies and oh what a shame it would be if he had to stop making art like that.

Haha, Airplane, you're not subtle.

Even so, Shen Yuan watches the videos and immediately agrees that Liu Qingge is beauty in motion, and that it would be criminal to deprive the world of more videos of his sword. Swordsmanship! That is the, the art of, martial arts! Definitely. He clicks the donate button, reasoning out that he'll just send a donation about the size of his usual monthly payments to Airplane and call it his good deed for the day.

Liu Qingge is very confused by this new follower from nowhere who suddenly dumped a little over a month's rent into his account. One thing leads to another, with Mingyan and Airplane conspiring to try and get Shen Yuan as a permanent patron, and then Liu Qingge being let in on it. Except that Airplane keeps referring to Shen Yuan as his sugar daddy, and well... it's not like Liu Qingge doesn't ever get 'those' kinds of comments on his videos. At first he's embarrassed, then offended, then mortified that his own younger sister is apparently setting him up to make premium private videos for what he assumes is some old pervert who is going to want him to do untoward things.

However, their options are pretty bleak at the moment, and Liu Qingge worries that if he doesn't do this then Mingyan might. She even mentions something to the effect of having planned to offer herself, and only didn't because she wasn't this "sugar daddy" guy's type!

Teeth clenched, Liu Qingge asks Airplane stiltedly for advice on how to... appeal, to this wealthy benefactor.

In the end though it's not nearly as bad as Liu Qingge feared. He winds up doing more videos in costumes and cosplay, which ought to have been an untenable expense, but Peerless Cucumber always ends up covering the cost of whatever he invests in plus extra. Sometimes he sends Liu Qingge stuff with a request to wear it, but so far it's just been like, badass warrior-themed or historical costumes. Nothing overtly pervy. He does some LARPing, he makes enough to start doing horseback archery again, convinces some of his good-looking peers from various clubs to spar with him, and ultimately the most risque videos he ends up doing are the ones where he demonstrates how to put on certain kinds of gear. He still locks those ones behind paid subscribers only, mostly because he feels like he's doing something illicit now, even if he used to show more skin on his older videos any time he took his shirt off.

Peerless Cucumber doesn't leave creepy comments, either. In fact he seems genuinely nice and supportive, it's hard not to like him, and so even once his situation levels out Liu Qingge decides there's not really much need to stop making videos for him. (He maybe even gets a little giddy thrill over... well, sometimes he finds it all a bit... just when he thinks about Peerless Cucumber watching him demonstrate his physical prowess and finding that alone worth... ANYWAY--)

So that goes on for a while, before Yue Qi enters the scene.

Yue Qi is the childhood friend of one of Shen Yuan's older brothers (Shen bros!) and Shen Jiu owes him a big favor for something that he won't talk about. At least he won't talk to Shen Yuan about it. But Yue Qi is also not the type to ask for help, and Shen Jiu is very bad at offering it, so when Shen Jiu gets word that Yue Qi is having some difficulties making ends meet, he tells Shen Yuan to act as the middle man. Go offer Qi-ge money, he knows you're nice he'll just accept it, and then Shen Jiu will pay the actual bill.

Well it turns out that Yue Qi doesn't just accept it, of course he sees right through it, and gently but firmly tells Shen Yuan that he's not interested in burdening Shen Jiu further than he already has. Etc, etc, stoic stiff upper lips and no proper communication all around. Shen Yuan panics because it's not working and he's also genuinely worried about Yue Qi by now, so he tries to figure out how to make it compelling and basically blurts that, well, see, the thing is that sometimes he pays men to entertain him. You know. To like. Do things, for him. So. He could also pay Yue Qi? To do something for him?

Yue Qi gets the wrong idea entirely, and at first is like, oh, no, A'Yuan, you shouldn't be paying people for that! These things should just happen organically! But Shen Yuan is very adamant that he believes in compensating people for what they do for him, it's not like he can't afford to, and it gets awkward but Yue Qi is like well he does have health problems. It's perhaps difficult for him to meet people. So then he starts worrying about Shen Yuan and all these strange men he's apparently paying for "entertainment". Does his brother know about this?

No of course Shen Jiu doesn't know! He'd hate it, and Shen Yuan doesn't want to hear about how he's doing everything wrong with his life again!

Then Shen Yuan mentions that his prior house cleaning service up and quit on him (they didn't), and if Yue Qi would like to earn fair compensation he could just come over sometimes to help instead, and Shen Yuan would pay him just to tidy up and hang out for a few hours! Which Yue Qi thinks is a fantastic idea, actually, even if Shen Yuan is only doing this because of his brother, this will give Yue Qi a chance to keep an eye on him and his so-called entertainers. Even if he sort of... ends up also being one?

Shen Yuan keeps everything above board, though his apartment always seems perfectly clean and he overpays way too much (Shen Jiu is still footing this bill after all), and Yue Qi starts to think maybe he actually is being paid for intimacy. Of a sort that they're maybe still working up to? Shen Yuan usually has a very thin face after all. He's kind of got two minds about this prospect. On the one hand, he's got his situationship with Shen Jiu, so dating his brother would be absurd. But on the other hand, it's not actually dating, and he does like Shen Yuan, and maybe if they can be good company for each other then Yue Qi won't feel so depressed and Shen Yuan won't need to hire strange men so often.

Meanwhile it's come to Shen Yuan's attention, perhaps through an offhand comment he read online somewhere, that people who are struggling financially often also struggle to "treat themselves". Because even when they have enough money to be comfortable there's often the looming specter of deprivation, and etc, so he figures he should start buying some of his dependents more treats and things. Since they might not buy them for themselves? And also he's enjoying doing this but shhh no he isn't, it's a huge hassle, he's only doing it out of basic moral decency, etc.

So like, Airplane starts getting little things that he'd put on some public wish lists, clearly sent by Peerless Cucumber. And he tells Mingyan to make a list for Liu Qingge too, and sure enough, Liu Qingge (bewildered, slightly flustered) tries to figure out what he's supposed to do with an album from a band he likes and some high-end leather polish. Ultimately settles on playing the music and wearing his nicest leather in his next video. Yue Qi starts arriving at Shen Yuan's place to be plied with his favorite coffees and to have scented candles awkwardly foisted onto him (Shen Yuan does not know what Yue Qi likes in gifts) (he buys these presents himself they're not out of Shen Jiu's pocket).

So finally Shen Yuan's parents start to notice that he's been spending a lot more than usual, and start to worry that he's either been taken in by a scam artist or is secretly dating a gold digger or has developed a drug addiction or something. But asking things directly like normal people is basically illegal in the Shen family, so they decide to hire a private investigator.

Enter Luo Binghe, a young man of humble background who is struggling to make ends meet after the untimely death of his adoptive mother, and is using his P.I. job and his online cooking videos to help pay his way through school (scholarship student). Usually his cases are more like, cyberstalking someone to find out if they're cheating on their spouse, or helping someone planning a lawsuit accumulate evidence on their corrupt employer, or other things like that. When he gets the Shen Yuan case, the idea that the Shen family's son is paying for "company" is well within his list of probable answers.

Though this one is a little... peculiar?

Mostly because Binghe can't find evidence of Shen Yuan actually getting what he would, presumably, be paying for. At first Luo Binghe just goes through the online paper trails, using the info that the Shen parents give him to figure out that Shen Yuan is paying Airplane and Swordmaster Liu (*cough*) what seem to be exorbitant prices just for trashy fiction and cosplay videos. He assumes this is a cover, that someone's actually delivering drugs or going over for "private meetings" or at least actually sending dirty videos as well, but even when he pays for Liu Qingge's VIP access it's just tutorials and such. Neither of these guys are even on any of the sites that are more lenient towards hosting explicit content. Luo Binghe's aware that kinks aren't always obviously sexual, but people don't usually pay through the nose for the kind of content they can easily find for free all over the place, either.

He digs a little more but keeps coming up empty on evidence to clarify which of the many vices the Shen family's son is actually indulging in. Which is a problem because that's the information they're paying him to find out. Plus his curiosity kind of piques as he reads Shen Yuan's seemingly quite invested comments on Airplane's writing and Liu Qingge's videos, looking to see if there's any kind of clandestine code or pattern. But near as he can tell, whatever else Shen Yuan might be getting out of these arrangements, he does genuinely like the stories and videos too? Well. Sometimes. Sometimes he's actually scathingly vitriolic towards Airplane's writing.

Luo Binghe decides that surveilling Shen Yuan himself is probably the way to go. That gets more complicated in court cases, but since the Shen parents just wants to know what's going on and aren't planning on prosecuting their son for anything, it doesn't matter as much if Luo Binghe gets information in sneaky or underhanded ways.

So, Binghe uses the account he created to access Liu Qingge's videos to chat with Shen Yuan a few times, and then recommends his own cooking channel. Shen Yuan doesn't seem too interested in cooking, so Luo Binghe makes sure to include a video that has an image of himself in his recommendation, and then films a few new videos of himself cooking with his shirtsleeves rolled up to three quarters and a few more buttons than usual unbuttoned, adopting a more flirty persona than he typically does for his shows. He takes his cues from some of Liu Qingge's more popular videos for how to be enticing bait.

It takes a few videos, but eventually Shen Yuan comments. Luo Binghe latches onto the chance to start talking to him, playing up a persona of a vulnerable young man with little means who is trying hard to make it through school, etc, and sure enough Shen Yuan seems interested. Well, most predatory people like vulnerable targets, don't they?

However... Shen Yuan just sends him a chunk of money.

Luo Binghe is confused.

Isn't he supposed to ask for something or create some kind of expectation of repayment first? But, maybe this is his approach to handling new targets. Maybe he's just trying to lull Binghe into a false sense of complacency, before he starts indicating what he wants from all of this. Luo Binghe makes sure to move the money Shen Yuan sends him into a separate account, so that if the Shen parents get angry about it then he can return it as a gesture of good faith.

But Shen Yuan just keeps sending supportive comments and donations. Eventually he leaves a comment that alludes to how badly he'd like to taste Binghe's cooking, and Binghe is like finally, but when he implies that they could perhaps meet in person and Luo Binghe could thank him for his support by making him something, Shen Yuan backs off.

Things eventually progress to the point where Luo Binghe, who is a totally normal person treating this like a totally normal job still thank you very much, is basically camping out in the bushes in front of Shen Yuan's apartment building. At some point he conscripts the aid of his weird cousin (finding his birth family was how he got into this business initially), and then almost immediately regrets it because Shen Yuan helps get Zhuzhi Lang a job doing landscaping for his building.

Why would he want Zhuzhi Lang close but not Binghe? Binghe is much handsomer! He'd make an excellent target for seduction! >:(

Anyway eventually Yue Qi catches Luo Binghe lurking around like a creeper and is like, finally, I have caught one of these suspicious men, whilst Binghe is like oh so he does have a lover, well this guy sucks and is clearly not good enough for him, and they both try and chase one another off and Shen Yuan comes home to a heated passive-aggressive-politeness war being waged in front of his apartment. Eventually he realizes the misunderstanding and calls everyone together (zoom conference? in-person meet-up?) to clarify that he is not paying any of them for "special favors", that was just Airplane being deranged about his sense of humor, and then he has no idea what to do when the prevailing response seems to be disappointment.

[kyri45]

*checks comic notes* wait- *checks calendar* oh! It's next week. Man already? Times surely flies.

[flymmsy]

So if you're telling me Durge was the first person to be tadpoled, and Gortash tadpoled his parents...

Gortash not only showing up to Flymm Cobblers unannounced, despite avoiding his parents for decades in the same city, seeking revenge driven by his abandonment issues ...but give me absolutely unhinged Gortash who shows up ALSO driven by grief and loss and rage.

Give me a Gortash who is a new brand of scary. This is not the ruthless politician. This is not the arms dealer. This is not Bane's Chosen. This is something foreign even to himself that verges on madness.

He shows up at their door disheveled in a way he would never allow himself to be. He smiles wide, his only intention to harm, and laughs and laughs through the tears streaming down his face.

[hyohaehyuk]

Source: Bustle - Spilling Set Secrets With The Stars Of Interview With The Vampire S2

Note: So apparently this is “new” — though apparently it was published in May 2024 right after the premiere… I dont know if with some many articles/news around that time people missed this one and someone finally found it or if Bustle forgot to post the link on their social media and remembered to promote this article now.

[favourtonon]

Tim mourning someone because they died

them coming back to life

next time someone dies

Tim again mourning

them coming back to life

A lot of deaths later

Bruce: Tim? Buddy?

Tim: yeah?

Bruce: you know it’s okay to mourn and grieve, your friend just died

Tim: oh don’t worry they’ll be back eventually…

Bruce: but what if they don’t?

Tim: ….

*tim proceeds to put on his best evil scientist lab coat and gloves*

Tim: then I will Frankenstein this shit

Bruce: ??? You just had that ready??

Tim: duh

[luxaofhesperides]

Ghost light prompt!

Meeting the family

Gone wrong? Gone right? You decide!!!

"Do you like meatloaf?" Maddie asks as she hoists up a modified rocket launcher. Duke tries not to look too wigged out, but it's hard to keep a straight face while his boyfriend's parents deal with the hostage situation in a very strange, mad scientist/engineer way that he's never seen before.

He's starting to get why Danny didn't want his parents coming to Gotham.

"Probably?" Duke answers, hoping he can land in the general area of a good answer. "I haven't really had a lot of meatloaf before but I'm always willing to try new foods."

"That's a great attitude to have!" Jack exclaims, patting Duke on the back. His absurd strength makes Duke stumble forward a few steps. Jack quickly steadies him with a hand on his shoulder and a muttered, "Whoops!"

"I am so sorry," Danny says again, hiding his face in his hands. "I should have insisted on having them meet you some other time."

The wall before them explodes and Maddie cheers. "Alright boys, you go ahead and get to the restaurant to hold our reservation. We'll be there as soon as we clean this up! And next time, we'll skip all this mess by having you eat at home with us. Be good, boys!" She's gone before either of them can respond, Jack happily following his wife to rain holy hell down on Two Face's henchmen. Duke is left behind with Danny and the handful of other hostages gathered up to draw out Batman. If what he heard is correct, then Two Face was planning on using the hostages as a distraction to take in a large shipment of weapons from the Odessa Mob, which is a plan that has been thoroughly derailed by the Fentons.

"I knew this would be a disaster," Danny despairs, and Duke softens, lets go of his worries about the situation, and places an arm around his boyfriend's waist to draw him into a hug.

Danny leans into him, the tips of his ears red with embarrassment. "It's alright," Duke reassures, "They're making a great first impression, saving me from Two Face and all. Why don't we get the others evacuated and then head out to the restaurant?"

He nods and pulls away from Duke after a few deep breaths to settle himself. They help the other hostages get outside, following the Fenton's trail of destruction through the warehouse, and reassure them that there aren't new rogues in Gotham, just a pair of overprotective parents visiting. As Danny helps the last of them get out onto the streets, Duke takes a moment to message the Bat group chat an update with the situation.

Got kidnapped by Two Face with Danny and his parents. We're good now, his parents blew up the walls and got us out, but you might wanna swing down to save Two Face from them. He ends the messages with a peace sign emoji and puts his phone on Do Not Disturb.

Whatever else happens is not his problem. He's got a dinner with his boyfriend's parents to get to, and he's sure it'll be just as fun as this unconventional hostage situation.

(send me a Halloween/autumn word and I'll write you a ghostlights drabble!)

[da-janela-lateral]

*look at Mezato's parents* Did they Know.

[jaxieus]

It’s cursed Im sorry

But like father like son

(Drew this on no sleep for maybe a day and a half)

[hijinxinprogress]

12 year old tim realizing robin’s not coming back to gotham and deciding that it’s Batman’s fault so he has to ruin the little bit of sanity and peace of mind Bruce has managed (read: struggled) to keep in his grasp:

[nana-mizu-shiki]

-....he can have an entire argument with Bruce's eyebrow and win, as far as Jason can tell.

Yeah, Jason thinks. He gets it.

———

It sucks to know your next-door neighbors might have been psychopaths.

This is taken so out of context which just makes it so much funnier.

[scumvillainess]

imo, if shen qingqiu were to ever become a parent (not that he would want to), he’d definitely be a lot more chill about the trouble his kid would get into compared to how other parents would react to their kids doing bad things, because nothing they do will ever be on the level of the trouble he was causing when he was their age (i.e. murder, arson, etc.), lol.

[im-totally-not-an-alien-2]

"Come get your child." Robin stared incredulously at this...entity? Being? He was a child himself, how could he possibly have a kid of his own.

The creature huffed, seeming very put out by the young vigilantes confusion. "What is there to not understand? Your child has been running wild in the Infinite Realms for a while now. Ever since that portal exploded hes been taking his emotions out on everyone!" The thing said, throwing her hands into the air, "And you!" Robin stepped back a pace or two when he suddenly found a very sharp claw in his face, "I had to do a lot of searching to even find you! What kind of parent are you?!"

"I'm not."

The entity opened and closed its mouth a few times like a fish before suddenly becoming furious, "Its no wonder hes like this when his gardian has so little interest in him! Did you know the other day he plugged a liquor bottle with a cloth and lit it on fire? I don't even know where he got it, but he lit the cloth and yelled something like, "mazzle toff" and threw it at my own adult son!"

"..."

"When my little boy burst into flames do you know what he said to me?"

"...no, but I feel like you're going to tell me anyways."

"I'm sorry ma'am I wasn't expecting there to be that much fire."

"That much? So he fully intended to set someone ablaze but the amount of fire is what troubled him?"

"Yes!" She growled, exasperated, "Please come get your child as soon as possible! Hes terrorizing the whole dimension!"

Damian found himself staring at open space the woman had occupied previously before contacting Oracle through the coms, "Did you get all of that?"

It was Grayson that spoke, "Every word."

---

Aka Danny has a lot of misplaced aggression and kinda terrorizes parts of the GZ. Unfortunately for him hes a clone of one of the bats (weather or not you want it to be Damian, Project R or someone else that hes cloned from is up to you) and they're coming to him to assess if he's an evil clone or mindless or whatever.

Too bad Danny sucks at first impressions.

[chaoswarfare]

dp x dc prompt #67

constantine really should have started using the yearly family reunions to get out of league meetings more often. it’s a little odd watching the people he’d grown apart from wander around talking about the goings-on since they’ve seen each other while he hovers in the corner smoking a cigarette, but beggars can’t be choosers and this definitely beats the alternative.

at least until his estranged stepsister and her husband start raving about their plans to capture and vivisect a ghost, and then start casually chatting about what can’t be anything other that plans to destroy the dimension that holds the fabric of reality together.

maybe he should have just gone to the bloody meeting, because now he’s obligated to either deal with this himself or tell the justice league about it. at least his niece and nephew are willing to help him out.

[littlepikmins]

Tim Drake going through a crisis after he realizes Bernard knows he's Robin and he wants to make sure Bernard knows he can leave the relationship at any point if it's too much so he tells him, "I know dating a vigilante puts you in danger - you've already been kidnapped once because of me. I'd understand if you want to end things between us at any point for your safety..."

And Bernard casually replies, "You don't need to worry about that, Tim. I know you'll always save me no matter how many times I'm kidnapped. And I did join a pain cult, remember? I don't think any kidnappers can torture me more than anything the cult did :)"

And Tim is just like :(((((( "Bear, that makes me more worried about you."