#shit my mom says

[child-of-the-undead]

Kid!D: ... So... Are you emo?

Greylancer: Emo what? Hemorrhoids?

[mycurrentobsessionstuff]

I’m sad

My mom was fine and even said she suspected but now she’s not dealing well.

She’s not calling me Adam. She said she wants to talk to my psychologist (immediately shut that down) and that she needs help with this.

Today she said she needs time to get used to it and that I need to understand it’s hard.

How is she supposed to get used to it if she’s not at all acknowledging it??

I feel sad.

I just needed to vent because I feel sad. It doesn’t change anything about my own feelings or my plan but I’m just sad.

I don’t know who to talk to and Tumblr is always good for venting.

If you see this. You’re loved! You’re worthy. You deserve happiness. Be yourself always!

Goodnight Tumblr

[silver-horse]

the water brand I usually buy has started to recycle their plastic bottles so I have to collect them and the stores will pay a bit of money for the empty bottles. I just handed over all my bottles to my parents so that they can take them back. But many of my collected bottles are a little uneven with dents on them because I drink directly from the bottle. So my mom tells me "I told you to stop sucking them out like a vampire" 😭 and "leave a bit of space next to your mouth for the air to go inside when you are drinking. Don't put your whole mouth around it like it's a dick." MOMMM PLEASE 😭

[unrepentantcheeseaddict]

"They're like cats. On speed. With HANDS."

--- my Mom, describing otters

[themarydragon]

My mom stumbles into my office, obviously crying. I take a moment and confirm it's crying-laughing and not anything more concerning.

Me: "...?"

Mom: Tumblr has awoken something sinister in me and I am here for it.

[kaithegremlin]

Mom: -and I'm not gonna be weird about that.

Dad: *me, on my way to be incredibly weird about it*

[tommysm0ondust]

shit my mom says: part 1

(she told me to start this as a series)

mom who tells me she is straight: yeah I went on a date with a girl when I was doing a vampire lesbian show (the girl was the vampire who turns her in the show, for context)

[bubbelpop2]

Me listening to my mom talk about when she had chickens as a kid

"I don't want this mornin's butt-nuggets! Like pickin' up a hot turd, damn. I want- iwan atleast yesterday's, damn,"

Talking about eggs. Freshly laid eggs being eaten the same day.

[witchyvixie]

Wear the leash, Kronk!

[jiangfamilytherapist]

“I mostly just want to rewrite other people’s mud, make it better. Balance the ph. Add some compost. This mud is too crunchy, needs a beta.” - my mom

Do I actually want to write this fanfic or do I just want to wallow in the delicious daydream like a pig in the mud?

[spinnychaircirclecasting]

"I'm not dumb, I just have hiccups."

[gayfiretruck]

My mother says the most out of pocket shit. Case in point:

Me: If I ever met Pedro Pascal I would end up in the hospital with a concussion because I fainted.

My mother not two seconds later: The doctor will ask what happened, I'll say "I don't know, she saw Pedro Pascal, She came too hard, and then she died.

Que me falling over unable to breathe.

[mycurrentobsessionstuff]

My mom on the phone today:

“Can your doctor give you more oestrogen instead so you feel like a woman?”

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry

[immawraffle]

Shit My Mom Says

“…which is weird, because alcohol doesn’t melt.”

[unrepentantcheeseaddict]

Okay guys 😂

So my Mom gave me this old notepad where she wrote down all the unhinged shit she and her college friends ended up saying to each other like 20 years ago, and she also gave her permission to post the quotes. All my writeblr buddies, comment which of your characters might say one of these.

"If a laugh could stick it's pinkies out, yours would."

"Hi, I'm an invalid frog."

"Muffineth." (Said like in fake Old English)

"Oh! I wasn't thinking of Hamlet, I was thinking of Spaceballs."

"I'm secure in my butt." "I'm secure in your butt, too."

"So it's all proper and shit."

"Wouldn't it suck if God was a Plumber?"

No pressure tags to @queen-of-the-weenies @lordfenric-writes @kaylinalexanderbooks @morgannotlefay @stesierra

If y'all wanna do this.

[themarydragon]

Mom: "you know how I lost stuff sometimes?"

Me: "...yes."

Mom: "So I took that orange upstairs last night..."