#unfortunately that requires me to come out to my parents but I am planning on doing that once i get out of school for the summer

[apollo-zero-one]

I could get a hotplate, an electric kettle, and a camping sink- the kind with a foot pump and a refillable reservoir- and a washbasin with a scrub rack, and a 5 gallon water jug. And I could make my bedroom into a tiny apartment. I am retreating from my family and if I can't move out, I will simply move inward. I will pay whatever rent they decide on given my continued use of space, water, electricity, and the wifi. I will however make it clear that I am no longer contributing to groceries and will be taking nothing else from the kitchen ever again, nor will I be making any use of any of the dishware. I will reclaim my mini fridge and the handful of cutlery and bowls I purchased when I briefly lived in a dorm, and they will not leave my new mini apartment.

[the-starlight-papers]

Just remembered why I avoid the area where the party dorms are at my college, I was walking to pick up food from over there and these two girls were walking the opposite direction and this one looks at me and hisses to her friend “Is that a BOY???”

Like girl come on at least wait until I’m at least plausibly out of earshot, or at the very least don’t do it when you’re five feet in front of me.

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Riddle Rosehearts - Platinum Jacket Vignette

"Happy 100th Anniversary"

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Riddle: Look at this massive collection of masterpieces… This museum truly is spectacular.

Riddle: Now then, I should be coming up on the exhibit displaying the Queen of Hearts soon… Aha!

Riddle: It's a painting depicting the scene where the Queen appears before her card soldiers… She looks so majestic.

???: Both her expression and the way her lithe fingers grasps her dress is utterly refined. Moreover, that red and black dress looks spectacular on her!

Rook: This work of art expresses just how charming the dignified Queen of Hearts was.

Riddle: Charming… you say? I shouldn't expect any less of an observation coming from you, Rook-senpai. I have to admit that I'd never thought of it that way.

Riddle: It's said that she would always make sure to wear this dress and her golden crown even during the most important of trials.

Rook: It must have been her regal formal attire, then. Heh, now I can't help but be curious what she wore in her own time.

Rook: I'm also curious as to what casual wear you partake in, as well, Roi des Roses.

Riddle: Eh, me? I wouldn't think it's anything that would catch the interest of the Pomefiore Vice Housewarden...

Riddle: As a rule, I don't tend to wear anything more lax than smart casual. My parents always said that I should never forego a tie, after all.

Rook: An elegant assortment that suits you well!

Riddle: Thank you. I am quite fond of the style, so it pleases me to hear you say that.

Riddle: However, there are times that my usual attire doesn't fit the situation…

Rook: Oh, is that so?

Riddle: Yes. Once, I and three others traveled to Foothill Town in order to purchase new equipment for my club activities from a store there.

Riddle: When I arrived at the appointed meeting place, everyone looked perplexed, asking if I planned on truly wearing what I had on to town.

Riddle: Since this was an errand for our club, and we would be carrying heavy objects, I had opted to wear my PE uniform.

Rook: Oh là là! True, it may be easier to move around in that uniform… But it may have been a tad impractical to wear out to town.

Riddle: Yes… I should have worn my normal clothes. Unfortunately, I didn't own a single casual outfit to wear while doing manual labor.

Riddle: So, I decided to ask Ace and Cater for help, since they're much more cognizant of fashion trends.

Riddle: Perhaps they could help me figure out what sort of attire I could wear when going shopping with my clubmates.

Rook: Those two do seem to have an eye for fashion, I agree. How did they react?

Riddle: They agreed that my normal attire was much too formal, and would look out-of-place while alongside my clubmates.

Riddle: However, it's uncertain when I may be required to join others for an errand again.

Riddle: It would be bad form to cause my compatriots to feel uncomfortable. So, I came to the conclusion that something must be done to rectify this situation.

Riddle: When I voiced that to those two, they gave me a few pointers that would allow for my current wardrobe to look slightly more casual.

Riddle: For example, I could wear my usual shirts with no tie, and with the top button open.

Rook: That makes sense, it would loosen up the stiff formal wear and make it seem more casual.

Riddle: Yes, I suppose… Although, it seems I just cannot get comfortable without my collar closed all the way, even if it to try for a more casual look.

Rook: Hm, so you're saying that change wasn't to your taste, then?

Riddle: Exactly that. I mentioned that to Ace and Cater, and after much discussion…

Riddle: Instead of changing how I wore my clothes, we decided to adjust the material and sizes of the clothes to help dress down more casually.

Rook: I see! Even a jacket can look more casual if it's made of linen or polyester.

Riddle: That's right. It was a thought that never would have occurred to me. …Heh! My card soldiers are quite excellent thinkers, aren't they?

Riddle: After that, I traveled to Foothill Town with those two and they helped me select a few new outfits…

Riddle: Next time I am to go into town with my schoolmates, I intend on wearing the clothes I bought then.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Rook: This is a painting depicting a tale of the Son of the God of Thunder, I see. It's quite awe-inspiring with how both he and the pegasus beside him strike such gallant poses.

Riddle: Indeed. It is said that whenever he went into battle, this pegasus fought right alongside him.

Riddle: Whenever I come across one of his historical anecdotes, I cannot help but bring to mind a good partner of mine, as well.

Rook: That partner of yours wouldn't happen to have a beautiful coat of hair, now, would it?

Rook: I heard that you achieved high marks at the most recent equestrian tournament.

Riddle: You heard correctly. I believe Vorpal and I have a deep, mutual trust between ourselves. However, it was quite difficult for us to reach this point, I must say.

Rook: Oh, really?

Riddle: Yes. A little while after I joined the club, the horse I was assigned to ride was Vorpal.

Riddle: However, Vorpal was extremely prideful and would be very particular of which humans could ride him.

Riddle: No one else was ever allowed to ride atop his back in the three years since the previous club captain graduated.

Riddle: For some time after I joined the club, he wouldn't allow me to even place a saddle on his back, let alone ride him.

Riddle: Not only was he a prideful horse, but he was also temperamental. I was often vexed that I couldn't tame him well…

Riddle: But nowadays whenever I visit the stables, he'll come up and nudge me as if he had been waiting for my arrival.

Rook: I suppose that means all those days you zealously spent getting to know him finally melted his icy heart.

Rook: Beauté! What a beautiful relationship.

Riddle: I-I feel as though calling it beautiful may be a slight exaggeration… But I will say I was very pleased when he finally accepted me as his rider.

Riddle: I only learned of it later, but I heard that I was given responsibility over Vorpal intentionally as some sort of hazing.

Riddle: It seems they hoped that I would complain about how difficult it was to tame him and quit the club.

Rook: That sort of harassment shouldn't be tolerated. I'm curious as to why that sort of situation occurred.

Riddle: From what I was told, it all came about because I would chide them whenever they would slack off on training or while cleaning the stables…

Riddle: I simply spoke frankly, there should not have been any ill-will between us.

Rook: Essentially, you overcame the challenges presented to you, and claimed victory over your opponents alongside your partner.

Rook: Fufu, how wonderfully dramatic. Almost as if you were the fated protagonist of a story, going the distance to seize his destiny!

Riddle: A-Another exaggeration…

Riddle: Although, I am very proud of the fact that Vorpal and I were able to become good partners.

Riddle: No form of hazing would ever prove to be an obstacle for me. This story simply proves that.

[Land of Dawning – National Museum of Art]

Riddle: This painting… It depicts the moment the Sorcerer of the Sands acquired that scarab.

Riddle: See the dark blue night sky and the bright golden light… This artwork is highly praised for the beautiful color play.

Rook: This scarab was a key that would lead the way to a magical cave when its two halves were made whole. Do I recall that legend correctly?

Riddle: That's right. It's said that the Sorcerer of the Sands granted a lavish reward to the person who brought one half of the scarab to him.

Rook: That must have meant it was something of great importance to him.

Rook: Once he had obtained such an important key, I'm sure he would have had to take great measures so as to not lose it.

Riddle: True, it is vital to keep keys safe.

Rook: Oh? Riddle-kun, do you have some treasure of your own you've kept hidden?

Riddle: I wouldn't consider it a treasure… But I do have something that I wouldn't wish for others to lay their eyes on.

Rook: Oh, my! Have I touched on a private matter? If so, I apologize profusely.

Riddle: It's nothing to fret over. I'm simply speaking of my Housewarden journal. It contains minutes from the Housewarden meetings and documentation of my duties as Housewarden, among other things…

Riddle: I also have recorded down certain information about my dorm's students, so I would not like it leaked to anyone outside of myself.

Rook: Fufu, I can see just how seriously you're fulfilling your duties as Housewarden, Riddle-kun.

Riddle: If I can keep records of even the most trivial note, I find that it allows me to understand and manage every situation that occurs within my dorm.

Riddle: Only, recently there are more things to write about. It's as if the number of incidents that require more description are increasing.

Rook: Well, that's fascinating. If it isn't asking too much, could I perhaps ask what sort of situations those are?

Riddle: That have been such incidents such as when an argument broke out between Ace and Deuce that I had to involve myself in…

Riddle: Or the time the two from Ramshackle caused a ruckus at one of our Unbirthday Parties…

Riddle: As the number of incidents that need to be recorded increase, the more effort it takes.

Riddle: My days have changed considerably from when I first assumed the duties of a Housewarden, almost unimaginably so…

Riddle: Now that I've had to report on more incidents per day, the number of notebooks I go through have also increased.

Rook: It's as though you're more keeping a diary than just keeping records! Wouldn't you say that the whole reason you've found more to write about is because…

Rook: Your daily life has become even more magnificent and satisfying compared to before?

Riddle: A diary…? I wonder if that's truly so.

Rook: Oui! I myself cannot stop the flowing composition of poems that spill from my hand whenever I am feeling inspired.

Rook: Oh, my, it seems I've kept you for far too long. I should take my leave. I'll talk to you later, Riddle-kun.

Riddle: Of course, Rook-senpai. Well then, I should head towards the next exhibit as well… Hm?

Riddle: This is a painting that shows the tea party scene from the stories of the Avidly Curious Girl.

Riddle: Not only did she invite herself to the tea party, she also drank some potions without permission. Her rude behavior is what leaves a lasting impression.

Riddle: It is said she was searching for a path home… But I'm sure at the rate she was going, she would not be able to find a path to redemption.

Riddle: Regardless of where she came from or where she wanted to go.

Requested by @farfalla049, @sakurakudo, and @a-s-k--g-a-b-i.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m a 23 year old INFP. Due to childhood trauma and growing up in an abusive household, but ultimately I suppose due to my own personal struggle to take control of my life, I feel very behind and unaccomplished at my age. I have yet to finish my degree. I managed to get through high school with flying colours, but it turned out I was completely incapable of managing my depression and focusing on school at the same time. As a result, I’ve dropped out for the time being (I’m about halfway done) and have decided to focus on managing myself, personal development, and getting my finances in order before continuing school.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt for not completing school on time, as I’ve always seen myself as “smart” and “scholarly” I suppose, and was raised to hold education in high regard. To put things into perspective a bit more, I’ve always struggled with procrastination, getting things done on time and allowing my emotions to completely captivate me to the point where I easily neglect my duties. Despite this, I managed to get through high school as an outstanding student, but like I said earlier, this did not carry on into college unfortunately.

I feel like I’m less than half of the person that I could be. I also feel held back by my typology. I recall that you don’t hold much regard for enneagram, but I will just say being an INFP 4, it feels like I was born as the type most susceptible to failure. Now, I know INFP does not equal failure, as my best friend is also one and is a relatively successful business woman. However, she has things in life that I severely lack; adequate parental guidance, self esteem, and what I’d describe as much more developed Si. This isn’t to say things were handed to her, she worked for a lot of what she has now, but I do think that she was blessed with much more assets than I was.

I guess what I feel is that INFP is the least useful brain to have in a situation like mine. I have not a logical mind, nor a desire for any sort of order like Js do, and on top of that I was not taught any life skills, and all of my emotional intelligence was developed on my own, through observation. So, I’m great at giving advice, and horrible at applying it to my own life. I’ve been said to be wise, insightful, and particularly good at dissecting interpersonal relationships, yet nothing about my situation in life would reflect this, except maybe my relationships I have with my friends, to a degree.

I know I lack emotional intelligence despite being told otherwise, and this is something I’ve only recently come to terms with. I now believe if I truly had emotional intelligence, I would be in a better position than I am now. I have a tendency to avoid things that make me feel bad. I enjoy staying up late and staying in bed all day. I feel very unequipped to deal with society. I hate strangers, I hate being yelled at, I hate being invalidated, I hate being misunderstood, and all of these hatreds and my incompatibility with society were solidified during the years I worked (fast food, sales, and call centers). I am now very hesitant to get a job, I feel like I’ll be unable to succeed at anything I’m actually qualified for, as it often requires dealing with strangers. I don’t know how I did it before, but I do remember feeling dread during every work hour. I am scared to be in that position again.

I have a tendency to do more for others than myself. I’ll spend all day or longer writing an essay for a friend, or helping them with their homework, and yet I cannot bring myself to focus on my own studies. I can give a friend mountains of advice, perhaps even a detailed life plan, but I can’t begin to truly dissect my own problems and figure something out. It is so much easier engaging with someone else’s problems instead of my own. These days, I often feel like some sort of side character, someone meant to uplift others, but cannot experience any development for themselves. The narrative isn’t focused on me, although I so desperately want it to be.

I want to be accomplished. I want to be strong. I want to face strangers with ease. I want to be able to push aside my feelings in order to work hard. I want to be comfortable with myself, to be a beacon of hope for others, not just by my words and ability to connect with others, but by who I am as a person on my own.

But I am so inconsistent in my pursuits of self improvement, and so easily defeated. I’ve tried and failed a million times. I’ve improved myself over time, but the improvement has been minuscule and inconsistent. It isn’t entirely my fault, as there are circumstances I won’t get into that quite literally force me away from my goals, but I know that I need to find a work around and learn to cope with them so that I may one day succeed and leave these circumstances.

I just don’t know what to do. How can such a sensitive, reclusive, and traumatized person such as myself break their chains? Is it even possible to live up to the greatness I desire that lives only in my head? As an INFP born into such unlucky circumstances, am I destined to always fall short of the person I need to become?

My friends tell me that I’m a great person. They would say I’m capable and that they’ve seen proof. I am cursed with the knowledge that they speak with bias, and their perceptions of me are not based off reality, but by subjective feelings of tenderness. I feel like if anything, it’s been proven that I am incapable.

The only thing I’m really “good” for is giving emotional support to others, but that means nothing to society and absolutely nothing to myself. When I say this, I don’t mean to say that I don’t value kindness or the ability to connect, but that these “strengths” of mine do not realistically benefit my life. Being empathetic is nice for others who know me, but it hasn’t made me a more accomplished or skilled individual, and it hasn’t added any pride to my image. It doesn’t mean much to me if in the end I still can’t take care of myself and I still don’t have much value as a member of society. Especially when I look around and see how much more accomplished my peers who are much more insensitive than me are.

How do I change? How can I live up to my own expectations and standards? How do I fight back?

----------------------

You've brought up a lot of different points, so I'll attempt to break them down for you:

(1) Type Clarification: How did you come to INFP and are you certain this is the correct type? I am obliged to clarify this point because function development isn't going to work for you unless you have the correct type. Generally speaking, based on my experience with type assessment, there are certain warning signs that indicate a mistype, and you display a few of them, so it's important to double check before proceeding.

(2) A Problem of Perspective: What you've written is basically a narrative of your life that explains how you got to this point. What you don't seem to understand yet is that a "narrative" isn't reality. A narrative is merely a story that is told from a very narrow and specific point-of-view.

I always like to bring up the children's story The Ugly Duckling as an example of how a personal narrative can heavily influence one's perspective and lead one into forming faulty beliefs about oneself and the world. The main character of the story wasn't able to truly understand himself until he realized that his personal narrative was all wrong. You are in a similar boat.

Whether they realize it or not, everyone has a personal narrative, a story that they tell themselves about who they are. How do we know whether the narrative is a good one? Think about what a narrator does in a novel:

- A story always makes more sense and is more easily understood when the narrator isn't the main character but rather an omniscient or godly being that tells the story from an objective vantage point (third person perspective). As such, we can trust that the narrator is providing a full and factual account.

- When the narrator is the main character (first person perspective), you will find that the story is more difficult to understand for two reasons: 1) there is a lack of information due to lack of access to other perspectives in the story, and 2) readers must suffer the same distortions in belief and flaws in memory that the character suffers.

Knowing this, I will point out two problems with your narrative...

(3) Lack of Objectivity: The first problem with your narrative is that it is stuck in the first person perspective. You very much lack a bigger picture view of things, which is not an uncommon problem for introverts who struggle with tertiary loop. This is a sign of insufficient extraverted development, i.e., trapped in subjectivity and lacking objectivity. You're unable to see yourself and your situation from any other perspective but your own, to the point where you actively dismiss every other valid perspective.

Lack of bigger picture thinking is often correlated to depression. Your mind basically operates as though having fallen into a pit, with no view of anything but yourself. Spend enough time being stuck with yourself and every little thing that flits through your mind gets amplified manyfold, such that every ache and pain feels much larger than it really is.

If you are INFP, this situation should be remedied through auxiliary Ne development that would grant you a more open-minded, optimistic, resourceful, ambitious, and forward-thinking attitude. It's not about "shoving your feelings aside" but about learning to see things in a more positive light. The cure to being too negative is to learn how to balance it by being more open to the positive.

Healthy NPs never shy away from problems because they trust in Ne, i.e., they exercise their creative problem solving skills as necessary to get over hurdles and obstacles, even transforming them into something positive. So, why aren't you exercising Ne? What have you done to develop Ne? It is troubling (and perhaps a sign of being mistyped) when the auxiliary function is completely absent from your cognition.

(4) Poor Critical Thinking: The second problem with your narrative is that it was spun out of faulty beliefs. You've basically been telling yourself a bogus story, over and over again, and now you believe that every word is true. When a narrative is fundamentally flawed like this, the remedy is to change the story and make it more objective as mentioned above in point #3, as well as more factual.

While there are facts peppered throughout your story, your interpretation of the facts is often incorrect. You want to believe you have a good grasp of the facts, but you don't.

For example, the fact is that the education system, being as big as it is and not having all the resources in the world, cannot be much more than a crude one-size-fits-all approach to learning. As such, it's not going to work equally well for everyone. There are always going to be students with special needs or unique circumstances that won't flow smoothly through the system as planned. If the system isn't working for you, is it something to take as a personal failure and feel deeply ashamed about?

I used to teach critical thinking courses and there was one problem I encountered again and again. Many people think they understand facts, but the truth is that they don't even have basic knowledge of what a fact is.

For example: Yes, it is a fact that you were deprived a healthy childhood. Yes, it is a fact that you had to drop out of your studies. These things happened and they are provable. However, how did you jump from these simple facts to make claims such as "I'm a failure"? Calling yourself a failure isn't a fact but rather a value judgment, and in this case, it is an unjustified value judgment.

An easy way to tell whether someone has poor critical thinking skills is to see whether they can tell the difference between a fact and a value. You aren't able to, and many people aren't able to. Believing that you have a good grasp of the facts when you actually don't is how you end up with faulty beliefs. When you go through life with faulty beliefs, you're much more likely to take the wrong approach, make errors, and suffer from unconscious biases and prejudices.

People aren't born with good critical thinking; it must be learned and practiced. There are lots of resources for improving, and you ought to improve because it's vital for challenging faulty beliefs. However, deeply entrenched beliefs are difficult to change on your own because your ego is invested in them, so it might be a good idea to work with a cognitive-behavioral therapist. They can be your objective party and help point out exactly where your thinking is going wrong. But this is assuming that you're willing to open your mind to other perspectives.

(5) Emotional Reasoning: Yes, you are quite right that you need to improve your emotional intelligence. Throughout your story, I see many thinking errors that lead you to draw incorrect judgments/conclusions. But what lies at the heart of those errors is that your thought process frequently gets hijacked by unresolved negative emotions. Improving your emotional intelligence would not only help improve your mood, it would also help stop emotional reasoning.

In your story, you're trying to link cause and effect, in order to provide an explanation of the factors that led you to this point in life. This seems like a reasonable and logical thing to do. However, people who are prone to emotional reasoning often get cause and effect backwards or misattribute causes. When they're feeling bad, they concoct a story to explain and justify their negative feelings. In effect, they start with a conclusion and then selectively gather evidence to support it, which is backwards from proper logical reasoning that should start with the evidence and then draw the most logical conclusion from it.

For example, you claim that the only thing you're good for is providing emotional support, which implies that you're good at it. How can we prove this statement? One way would be to examine the results of the support you've given. Did people appreciate the support? Did it help them? Did it change them? If so, you can be said to be good at it.

But apparently what they say doesn't count as evidence. Somehow only you have access to the real evidence. Don't you find it odd that so many of your thought processes come back to you having some magical ability to access a deeper truth that others can't see? You call yourself a failure who is unable to do anything right on one hand, but then insist that you couldn't possibly be wrong when it comes to assessing yourself, on the other hand. This is the kind of contradictory thinking that emotional reasoning gets you mired in.

If being able to empathize isn't a skill, valuable both to oneself and others, then all the great friends, parents, caregivers, educators, coaches, doctors, nurses, vets, counselors, therapists, social workers, artists, musicians, writers, librarians, gardeners, and zookeepers should just delete themselves for their utter uselessness to society. Heck, I should just delete my whole blog right now because I don't get anything from writing this for you, yes?

There are absolutely personal benefits to be had from being empathetic. Through supporting and helping others, you can experience:

the dignity of choosing to be an honorable/humane person

the intimacy of deep and meaningful relationships

the satisfaction of reaping the fruits of your emotional labor

the joy of making a positive difference in the world

the awe of witnessing the realization of greater potential

It seems you can't recognize these benefits because they contradict the failure narrative and the negative emotions you're struggling with. Any evidence that makes you feel good about yourself must be rejected, right? Isn't it odd that you've closed off every path to feeling good about yourself except an impossible one, i.e., living up to some imaginary standard of what you believe all people your age should be? It's almost as though you are intent on believing the worst about yourself, so you set yourself up for failure with unreasonable expectations. But this is emblematic of how emotional reasoning messes up the mind.

People aren't born with great emotional intelligence. It's yet another thing you must learn and practice throughout life, that is, if you don't want your emotions to be out of your control. It doesn't matter when you start learning; it only matters that you start.

(6) Changing the Narrative: There are distinct patterns in our personal narratives, which Jung conceptualized as archetypes. Understanding these patterns from a more objective vantage point can help us craft a narrative that serves us better. At the end of the day, you are the one narrating the story, and you could choose to tell a different story at any time.

To give you an example, if I were to analyze your narrative, I'd say that your perspective is that of an "orphan". Orphans see themselves as rejected children, so their approach to the world is one of neediness for love but also deep resentment/anger about being abandoned. Orphans are prone to feeling: unmoored, confused, ashamed, helpless, hopeless, apathetic, fatalistic.

Of course, it's appropriate to feel: unmoored when you don't have a safe and stable home base to operate from; confused when you don't have enough social support; ashamed when you struggle more than others; helpless when you don't know what to do; hopeless when every attempt fails; apathetic when you get disappointed too many times; fatalistic when the odds seem stacked against you.

Nobody is saying that your feelings are invalid. What matters most is how you interpret the feelings and what you do about them. The problem is that, through emotional reasoning, you take your negative feelings and turn them into cynical judgments and then make decisions that leave you perpetually feeling like an orphan.

A narrative becomes sinister when one starts to derive some kind of egotistical benefit from it, which then breeds resistance against changing it. Are you willing to change your narrative at this point?

For example, many orphans keep telling the orphan story because it allows them to benefit from victimhood. Being a victim has its "perks". Victims have the right to self-pity. They have the right to rage against whatever they feel victimized by. They can also expect special treatment or extra care. As such, you will find that orphans often reject love and stay orphans in the end because they don't want to give up the "perks" of victimhood.

I'm not saying this example applies to you, but have you reflected on why you have a pattern of rejecting people's attempts to console you and provide you with evidence that you are actually a good and worthy person? Have you reflected on why you insist on telling the orphan story when other narratives are readily available to you?

For example, you could choose the "misfit" narrative. There are plenty of people, often INFPs, who march to the beat of their own drum and carve out their own unique path to success in life. Or, you could choose the "creator" narrative. INFPs generally love to use their imagination to come up with new and novel ways to live life outside the box. Why is it that you believe there's only one path available to you, that life is only about living up to society's unimaginative standards?

Or, you could embrace the "caregiver" narrative. It could be quite a heroic story, and it might lead you into a very meaningful and fulfilling career. Caregivers change people's lives for the better, which drives tangible and positive societal change. Yet, you reject this story and call caregiving worthless because you believe it is a "weakness" easily exploited. People mistreating you isn't something for you to be ashamed of. It is the perpetrators of abuse that ought to be ashamed and punished for their immoral behavior. How long are you going to keep punishing yourself for someone else's problem?

With regard to dealing with people, it sounds like you haven't learned about healthy boundaries. Boundary setting is a practical problem that can be addressed with practical solutions. Yet you turn it into some kind of grand existential crisis and make sweeping statements about the world. Do you really want to spend your whole life locked away, living in fear? It might feel good right now because it's safe, but in the long run you will actually be wasting away for not challenging yourself to reach your greater potential.

.

I'm not saying that any of these problems are easy to resolve. But these problems shouldn't be viewed in the traditional sense of needing a "fix" or that something is "wrong" (with you). These kinds of problems I've outlined are actually spiritual calls to change and improve. How do you change? It is through confronting what we lack and what we are afraid of that allows us to grow as human beings.

How can you live up to your own expectations and standards? Maybe a better question to ask is whether you've set the right expectations and standards? If you don't want to always feel bad about yourself, then you have to get up and start doing the things that will lead you to feel better about yourself. And we each have our own path to take to developing self-esteem and self-worth. Once you understand and respect your own individuality, then maybe you can exercise more self-compassion and allow yourself to live and learn at your own pace.

How do you fight back? I don't think it's necessary to "fight". Would you yell and scream and dump a flower in the trash just because it didn't grow as fast as the other seeds you planted? No, hopefully you would give it extra care to ensure that it has everything it needs to grow well. That's how you should be treating yourself. If you didn't grow up in an environment that taught you good life skills, then it is incumbent upon you to learn them as an adult, for the sake of your own well-being.

Life has enough challenges; you don't need to be fighting yourself. Instead of wasting time dwelling in fatalistic narratives, see yourself as a human being who is capable of learning and adapting. Learn to treat yourself well and cut out the noise to focus primarily on picking up the knowledge you need to progress in life, not just academics.

[paracosmic-murdock]

gold rush ; benedict bridgerton x reader (part two)

pairing: benedict bridgerton x fem!reader

summary: after he found out the reason why you had been distancing from him, benedict decided he would do anything and everything to win you back. how unfortunate that he will not have it as easy as he firstly believed it to be.

warnings/tags: mutual pining, idiots in love, insane benedict bridgerton, married kate and anthony, platonic anthony bridgerton & reader, song: gold rush (taylor swift)

word count: 1.6K

❁ part 1 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

❁ mila's anthology (main masterlist)

It was a whole new day, but for him it wasn't.

The thought of you being in love with him and him not being able to reciprocate your feelings, therefore, you hating him, was eating Benedict alive.

And the more he thought of it, the more he realized he had given you plenty of mixed signals throughout the years. His excitement every time he saw you? Asking you to dance at least twice every single ball? Painting portraits of you each and every time he could for all the assignments that required him to paint a woman? Buying you books every week? Mixed signals here and there because a man that does not love a woman doesn't do any of the things he has done for you since you became friends.

So he made a plan to get you to forgive him so you could be friends again.

One that began with him at your home.

One that didn't include seeing you and your parents chatting with an unknown man, who was, by the way, sitting so inappropriately close to you.

As he was about to leave, your mother's eyes landed on Benedict, and she said his name as she stood up.

He saw the way you tensed under his mention, but stood up nevertheless.

"Uh…" He cleared his throat. "My apologies, I did not mean to intrude. I shall return some other time."

"Nonsense, my dear!" your mother exclaimed. "Come on in, take a seat."

Benedict gave everyone an apologetic look and sat on the chair next to you.

"Good afternoon, Benedict. We have not seen you in quite a while here," your father noted. "Why is that? You have been missed."

He chuckled slightly. "Uh, the Academy has been quite time consuming as of late. More than I had anticipated, in fact. My apologies, that is why I came, for… a keep up."

"You do not have to have a reason to come visit, Benedict," your mother said. "Right, my darling?"

You looked up, an uncomfortable grin on your face. "That is right, Benedict…" you replied. "This is, uh… Lord Vikander. Lord Vikander, this is Mr. Bridgerton, a friend of the family."

"It is nice to meet you, Mr. Bridgerton." They shook hands.

"Likewise." Benedict agreed with his lips in a fine, fake line.

"Benedict, would you like to stay for dinner?"

"My apologies, Lord Y/L/N, but I am expected at home for dinner, I… I wish to speak to Y/N in private, actually."

"Of course." He nodded, making a gesture so you would take Benedict somewhere you could speak.

You obeyed, as expected, and walked next to him to your studio.

Benedict sighed looking around. All the things with his name that used to be in your studio were dead, gone, and buried. "Where are the…?"

"Somewhere I could not see them." you replied dryly.

"Whatever did I do?" he questioned, the patience in his eyes disappeared, distress replacing it. "I- I must know because I cannot live without you in my life."

"You should start getting used to it," you murmured. "Lord Vikander and I will be engaged to be married any time soon, and I shall move to Stockholm with him as his wife."

"Excuse me, what?"

You nodded. "I overheard him telling Papa and my brother that he had sent for his Mother's ring."

"Y/N, you… you cannot just marry and leave."

"Ben, this is the cycle of the life of a woman: once we are old enough, we become a pretty trophy for a man to win over. I have postponed it long enough and now it is time… Soon I will be too old for a fine gentleman to want me, so this is my all or nothing at all."

"But you cannot marry him and move to Sweden."

"I can, I will, and I have no other choice but to either way," you answered. "And please, return to your home. There is nothing left for us to talk about… This is not appropriate, especially with Lord Vikander waiting for me."

"Since when do you care for what is appropriate when it comes to you and me?"

"Since I lost hope," you confessed, looking anywhere but at his eyes. "Now, it is best if you leave."

"Benedict!"

He downed the bottle of whiskey that wasn't meant to be drunk that way before Anthony could reach him. "Brother!"

"Benedict, what is happening to you?!"

"This, Brother, is what a man who has lost hope looks like!" he exclaimed. "You shall see me in a circus by next month."

Anthony rolled his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"She will marry that man," he answered, and Anthony's concern grew bigger at the sight of his brother weeping. "She will marry that man, move to Sweden, and not come back. She will not come back to me, I will never see her again… And I ran out of whiskey."

"What man?" He frowned.

"A Swedish lord who seems to be in love with her."

"Swedish? You mean Lord Vikander?"

"In the flesh," Benedict confirmed. "She says she has no other choice, but she does…"

"She does not have another choice, Brother. That is the wealthiest man in Sweden, someone who can provide for her, take good care of her. He is a good man, and if you do not love her, he is the best husband she could dream of."

"Whose side are you on?"

Anthony smirked, taking the empty bottle from his brother's hand. "Hers."

"I cannot let her go. I cannot lose her."

"There is nothing you can do, Ben," he said. "She was never yours to lose to begin with."

"But she could be."

"No, Benedict," He shook his head. "You do not love her so you must let her go. Perhaps one day you will get married or simply move to your property outside of London, and what will be of her? A single woman who renounced her suitor for her friend who could not even return her feelings? Let her go."

"I cannot, Anthony, she-"

"She will be better with Niklaus, brother, just…"

"You know him?" He asked, trying to seem careless.

"Y/N's brother, Niklaus, Simon, and I were close friends back in Oxford."

"He is friends with Nathaniel?"

"He is, and I did not know Niklaus was courting her, though I saw him last night at White's."

"He did not say a word about her?"

"No, and I did not ask."

Benedict sighed. "I will not let her go."

"You must," Anthony rolled his eyes. "Now, go to your room."

"Do not treat me like a kid, Anthony."

"But you are behaving like a stubborn child who does not want to let go of a toy someone borrowed! I hope to God you do not sabotage Y/N's engagement or else."

Benedict nodded, and Anthony knew he had to keep an eye on him.

Back at the Y/L/N Manor, you were cursing him and yourself.

Even your Father, ever so clueless of anything in regards of emotions and feelings, noticed that something was wrong as soon as you returned from your private conversation with Benedict.

It was midnight now, and you were sitting on the windowsill and looking outside, the Orion constellations bringing you memories of when you and Benedict were teenagers and he used to escape from his home so late at night and you to your home. You two would look at the stars until the sunrise hid them, and look at each other until your eyes were too tired to be kept open.

Two knocks on the door killed your reminiscing.

"Are you awake, my darling?"

You recognized your Papa's voice, so you stood up and opened the door.

"I apologize for being up so late, Papa. I just cannot fall asleep."

He shook his head in amusement. "Do not apologize, just talk to me and tell me what has got you so distressed."

"It is nothing, Papa."

"Does it have to do with Lord Vikander?"

"No, everything is alright."

"Benedict?"

The mere mention of his name made you break down. His expression softened and he opened his arms to receive you in a hug.

"I love him."

Your father stroked your hair lightly. "What is the problem? You do not have to marry Lord Vikander if you do not wish to, you can marry whoever you choose."

"But Ben doesn't want to marry me, Papa… If he wanted me, we would be married by now."

"How can you be so sure, my darling?" he asked, making you look him in the eyes. "I was so in love with your mother when we were your age, but I had promised myself I would enjoy the life of a bachelor as long as I could… It took me long enough to admit to myself how much I loved your mother, but once I did, I could never forget I did. Perhaps he has not realized yet that he loves you, and perhaps he needs a little push. Tell him how you feel," he advised, cleaning your tears. "And if he doesn't feel the same way, then you will always have Lord Vikander. You can always learn how to love him, and if not, you get along very well with him. He is sensible, he respects you, he is serious about his intentions, he knows what he wants… You deserve a man like him, not one that does not love you, my darling. Listen to my words and converse with Benedict, then you will know what to do."

"Thank you, Papa."

He smiled. "You do not have to thank me for anything. Now, go to sleep."

You smiled back at him and did as he told you.

[radioactivewisdom]

What about a healthy romantic relationship, do you think that's actually possible? Is it still impure even if the relationship itself isn't sexual, since romantic love technically stems from one's sexual orientation? I'm the same as you, bisexual but have only been in love with a women once. I could never bring myself to think about her sexually even though I was so infatuated with her. People have told me that if I don't want to have sex with someone then it's just friendship and I can't be "in love" with them, but the feelings I had were not friendship. I never actually wanted to have sex with any of the people I had crushes on/was in love with. It's so obviously gross and degrading regardless of how physically attractive I find them. I wonder does that still make me lustful though, since I technically am "physically attracted" to them, despite my repulsion of sex acts themselves? It doesn't mean much to me though where my attraction comes from or how it's defined. I'm not an animal so I can choose what parts of animal nature I do and don't act on, and I'd rather not degrade someone I love. Sorry for all the questions. I try to not worry about any of this too much, I don't plan on seeking out any kind of relationship anyway. I used to fantasize about being in a sweet, pure kind of relationship a lot but I know it's a coping mechanism and I need to be happy with myself. And besides, I don't like the idea of having to factor in what someone else wants in the decisions I make so I'd be better off alone. That's the thing about relationships, it's kind of inherently a trade off of free will. You'd have to meet someone whose soul you're in perfect sync with to not have to compormise at some point.

Yes, I do. In fact, I believe it’s the only worthwhile love, and everything else is a farce. Society denies the legitimacy of bonds between adults who don’t act on physicality because this world’s main goal is to sell sex. To acknowledge the fulfillment found in no sexual relationships would mean the undoing of billion dollar industries, political empires, and the breeding system all together.

What you felt was real love. I have always felt the same. I would never want to defile another person by imagining them in a sexual way. I don’t think sexual orientation requires a desire for sex, hence real asexuals and their relationships. Especially since real love is an attraction to another’s heart and essence. Men and women present different aesthetically and you can feel a draw to that without it being sexual.

The collective can’t make up their minds though. On the one hand, they’ll wax on about how the love between parent and child is the most unconditional. Another example being the love one shares with a pet, being cited as the most pure. Both of these relationships are devoid of sexuality, at least they should be, and are upheld. Yet, mention a romantic relationship devoid of sex, and suddenly it’s not real..

Sorry for the derail. A real romantic relationship is possible, but incredibly rare, and unnecessary for growth. It would only happen if the two coming together had something to bring about in this world that they couldn’t do alone. Even lustful relationships can lead to growth for those who once experienced them. Unfortunately, most people become obsessed with physicality and addicted to recreating the same dynamic but with swapped out partners.

I can tell you from personal experience that there is SO much love to be found within yourself. I’m constantly told by the collective that I should feel bad for being alone and in lack of something, but my life continues to become more and more meaningful. I have felt love like no other, and an intense sense of belonging from some of the simplest pleasures. A conversation with my friend, a walk through the park, have all led to overwhelming joy. I have yet to see the love I’ve experienced replicated in any romantic relationship.

I don’t mind your questions at all :) They’ve been great and I relate to some of the feelings you have expressed in all of them.

[wheelie-sick]

I think you've mentioned being "moderate support needs" autism before, right? Would you be comfortable expanding on that a bit more? I'm trying to figure out roughly where I fall as my parents won't tell me my actual level diagnosis, only that I was diagnosed, but all I can seem to find is either "you are completely independent and a totally normal person just quirky hehe" or "you are literally incapable of doing anything at all for yourself and require 24-7 care" and I am neither of those

level is one factor of support needs but isn't the only one

I generally put myself on the low end of medium support needs or the high end of low support needs. I'm a border case and it's additionally complicated because my support needs are entangled with my comorbidities and unrelated physical disabilities. it's hard to tell them apart. I'm going to try to isolate just the autism.

my support needs are complicated and I honestly don't really fit into them neatly because of the really vast variety of abilities I have to do iADLs. I was initially not expected to be able to live independently because of my support needs. I wasn't expected to need a full time caregiver, but I would need someone. I currently am living in my own apartment with roommates and a lot of support from them and my family.

there are several iADLs I am entirely unable to do-the biggest one being financial management. I have no control over my finances. recently I've been given an "allowance" of sorts to try to build the skill of budgeting but I need substantial support with that as well. shopping is another one where I actively need support.

iADLs have "pieces" to them. for a lot of iADLs I'm able to do some pieces but not others. I can drive but I can't navigate a bus system or the bus process. I have tried and failed, it was very embarrassing. I have to have the bus driver walk me through everything in the bus process even when I have the route planned for me. the bus process is way more complicated than developmentally abled people realize.

there's scaling of support as well. that's where a lot of my decision to call myself medium support needs comes in. my level of support needed for iADLs varies a lot from nearly full support (like with finances) to completely independent (like managing medications and using technology)

anyways enough about me

I would strongly recommend familiarizing yourself with iADLs and ADLs (sometimes called bADLs by the community) and figuring out what level of support you need for them.

always worth mentioning that struggle ≠ support needs. you can struggle a lot with something but if you don't need support it's not a support need. even if you'd benefit from support, if you can do it without it's not a support need.

also always worth mentioning that the community is very very very very skewed towards the lowest support needs people. you should not be comparing yourself to them. it will give you an inaccurate estimation of your support needs. it's easy even for people in the middle of low support needs to feel very alienated from the community just because so many people are completely 100% independent and thriving that way.

if you are able to live independently without external support you are not MSN. (having support ≠ needing support)

if you are not able to live independently I'd argue you probably sit somewhere in that category.

MSN is definitely the hardest category because it's, well, the middle. it's the gray area. it's the not-quite-either and unfortunately that makes it very hard to figure out if you're in that category (especially if you're on either of the edges)

I wish you luck anon 💕💕 I hope you're able to figure out where you sit. being in the middle is very frustrating and alienating

sorry this took so long to respond to

[dawnslight-aegis]

kaede's house lore walkthrough

I feel ridiculously self-indulgent today so I am going to take y'all on a guided tour of kaede's ingame house (crystal, malboro, mist, ward 19 plot 44, come visit it's nicer in person) with commentary on the decorations and lore behind them.

First off, the exterior!

before we go any further I would like you all to kindly pretend that the housing lottery DOESN'T hate me, and imagine that this is actually in the firmament. good? good.

due to its location and also some unfortunate exterior choices by my neighbors, the garden is not strictly canon-compliant, but it's close. especially the hot spring and training yard.

Foyer

here we have a large open entryway because I ran out of housing slots, with kaede's "war table" where she does all her mission planning (complete with much needed caffeine supply) and her adventuring alcove, aka the place she drops all her gear the moment she steps through the door.

of particular note: the gemseeker's pack (she's a goldsmith) and the flame armoire (a relic from her earliest adventuring days).

Kitchen

kaede doesn't cook, so the kitchen is pretty small and barebones, with at least half of it given over to alcohol storage. don't worry about it, she's fine. probably.

also from a decorating perspective, the kitchen is built over the stairwell to the unused basement, which I'm very proud of. if we ever get a housing item increase, I'll relocate the kitchen and bathroom to the basement lmao

Dining Room/Bar

the dining room features the first of our Elezen Man Portraits that kaede has scattered around her home. louisoix saved her parents at carteneau, so she has an enormous respect for the man. and overlooking the bar, on a nice warm hearth, is her portrait of Haurchefant. she wanted him to be somewhere welcoming.

of particular note: the food on the table was chosen to be lore compliant for kaede's favorite dinner guests -- the gourmet supper for herself, the high house supper set (what was served during the dinner date in 3.4) for aymeric, the alpine supper set (specifically mentioned as being special occasion food for rural ishgardians) for estinien, and the oriental supper for her nagxian co-wol, marz.

the servants are lore-compliant but they're not usually there -- they just come in every now and again to check on the place when kaede's gone.

Workshop

on the other side of the house is her crafting workshop! half of it is dedicated to her primary vocation, goldsmithing, while the other half is for less delicate metalwork (blacksmith and armorer). she also prefers to make her tea in here rather than venturing into her kitchen.

of particular note: the crystals on the floor are meant to be crafting crystals, and are wind/ice/fire/earth to correspond with the crystals required for the three crafting classes featured. the portrait of estinien is of...dubious lore-compliance. if it's actually there, she definitely just did it to annoy him. or because marz bought it and needed somewhere to store it. mostly it's there because I personally love estinien.

Stairwell/2nd Floor Hall

you might recognize that stairwell from basically any low effort gpose I've ever taken. yes I like window walls. anyway. the second floor hall is basically a trophy room -- kaede recently started keeping mementos from difficult/important battles. hydaelyn's crystal is given particular honor, while emet-selch and zodiark are banished to the far side of the stairwell so she doesn't have to think about them. it also features her paladin armor collection.

the house borel wallpaper is a little on the nose but I know what I'm about okay

Bedroom

do you know how hard it is to get a nice blue bed in this game? it's so annoying. the headboard is the footboard of an oasis canopy bed clipped into the wall, in case you were curious. I also keep waiting for them to put in a properly blue rug. anyway. also included is her letter-writing desk, and her vanity.

of particular note: the aymeric portrait is canon, the armor on the stand is the house fortemps chainmail she was given for the grand melee, the music boxes are prototypes for the ones she made for her clients in the GSM 60 quests. also she has a house borel teaset on her vanity next to her absurd collection of makeup and lotions.

Sitting Room/Library

perhaps in the hallway you noticed that the hydaelyn trophy's wings were oddly missing. that's because they are being used to frame the portrait of minfilia, who kaede cared for very much. you might also note my use of curtains instead of doors -- that's honestly just because enclosing rooms in this game makes me terribly claustrophobic. I don't think kaede is actually anti-door.

Drawing Room

one of my very favorite parts of the whole house, this room is given over to kaede's artistic pursuits -- namely, her love of piano, and her attempt at branching out from sketching into paint. she feels a great responsibility to depict the landscapes from her travels that most people will never see, and all the paintings on the wall in here are her work.

the "no entry" door goes to her bathroom, which is actually built in my FC chambers, since I ran out of space in my house. I was going to include it here, but tumblr is rude and only allows 30 images per post, sooo... some other time, maybe.

if you made it to the end of this, bless you for caring about my lizard and her lore <3

[elfmoon3]

A Shadowy Mist Chapter 37 (Transformers Animated story)

Pairings: Prowl x Oc, Bumblebee x Oc, Optimus Prime x Black Arachnia, Oc x Oc

Summary: Mrs Hudson's friend comes to Detroit to help Shadow Mist, PixelSpark, and Black Arachnia get their costumes ready for the party. Meagan's brother came to town. Blitzwing has a fascination with Grim

Location: The Autobot Hideout

Shadow Mist and PixelSpark were waiting for Mrs. Hudson and her friend with Black Arachnia, who seems reluctant about letting a human give her fashion advice. Soon, a black car came in with Mrs. Hudson and another woman inside who is wearing very impressive designer clothing. Two drones came out with her. She lowered her shades to look at the femme bots. "Mmm, Yōko darling, what exactly am I looking at?" She asked in a Slavic accent. Mrs. Hudson looks at her friend, "Olga, these are my robotic friends. They're in need of a costume for the Halloween party that the mayor has planned." Mrs. Hudson said to the woman who snapped her fingers, and the two drones flew to the three females and scanned them individually. The woman then took out her tablet and looked at the measurements she got from the drones. "I see, I think I might have something in mind for the three of them." Olga said, "But first they're personality." She added. She went up to Shadow Mist and stared at her. "I sense brilliance in your robotic mind, very smart. Like a scientist, no doubt." She said as she moved on to PixelSpark and stared at her. "You have a caring and bubbly personality, always on the ground, but head in the clouds as well. Like an angel from the heavens." She said as she finally got to Black Arachnia. She stared at her with intrigue. "This one, on the other hand, she's like a seductress. But I sense that she's not just a robot." Olga said, Arachnia sighed, "I'm part organic." She said as she explained her technorganic origins. "I see, very well, then I might have the costume idea for you. For I see that you have a regal feel." Olga said. "What about the boys in your robot team?" She asked, "They already have ideas, so you don't have to help them." Shadow Mist said. "Good, tell Issac Sumdac that I would require his assistance with this project." Olga said as she and Mrs. Hudson left. The two femme bots look at the spider bot. "What did she mean by regal?" PixelSpark asked Arachnia. "Let's just say that I was treated as a queen by the giant spiders. Somehow, I'm able to control them." Black Arachnia said, "Can you still do that with Earth spiders?" Shadow Mist asked. "Unfortunately, no, their brains aren't big enough for me to control them." Arachnia explained.

The next day

It's finally Oct 1st, and Meagan seemed excited about something. "What's up, Meagan? You're acting extremely giddy today." Bumblebee asked. The experimental vampire looked at him. "Oh, sorry, I'm just really excited about my brother coming to Detroit. The Unknown Agency is bringing him and his wife here." She said, showing a picture of her with her parents, her brother, and his wife. "They're coming here for my brother's birthday. It's tomorrow!" She yelled in excitement. Meagan explained that her parents were concerned about her being an agent at first and her mission being dangerous. She then explained that Director Mavis convinced Meagan's parents and more than concerned brother that she'll be fine. Then a car was seen parked outside the Hideout, and 2 humans got out of it. A blonde Caucasian man and a Hispanic young lady. Meagan runs to hug them. "Pat, Riley. It's great to see you guys." She said, "Great to see you too, Meags." The blonde man said. "How's mom and dad doing?" She asked. "Oh, they're ok, but still concerned about your job." The Hispanic woman said. "Figures." Meagan said groaning. She then introduced the Autobots, Sari, and the others to her brother and his wife. Optimus walked up to her brother, who looked even more concerned. "With all do respect, Patrick, your sister has been a good friend to us. And I've seen her handle situations that even a normal person couldn't." He told the young man who looked at his sister and sighed. "I understand that Optimus Prime, but she's my only sibling. If I ever lose her, I don't know I'd do." He said sadly. His wife Riley was also worried about Meagan's safety. Then Meagan suddenly gets a call from Captain Fanzone. "Walker." She said, answering the phone. "What? Lake Erie? Frozen? At this time of year?" She asked, "He's been with us all day!!" She yelled "Allright we'll check it out. Thank you, captain." She said, hanging up. "Lake Erie frozed over. The captain wants us to investigate." She said, "Autobots, transform and roll out." Optimus said as the Autobots transformed into their vehicle mode. "We're coming too." Patrick said, Meagan sighs, "Just as long as you stay at a safe distance." She said, getting on Shadow Mist. Bumblebee took the couple in as they drove off to Lake Erie.

At the lake

The lake was indeed frozen from the shore, as the Autobots and friends came as soon as they could. The agents, Sari and Meagan's 2 family members, looked at the lake in amazement. Captain Fanzone came to the group and noticed Patrick and Riley. "Uh, new agents?" He asked, "Unfortunately, no. Just 2 members of my family who are in the know." She said as she introduced the captain to her brother and his wife. "Alright, as long as they stay at a safe distance." Fanzone said, Meagan nodded as she went to investigate with her team. Grim touched the ice, and it doesn't feel or look like any of his work. "This ice feels different." He said as he got up. "I can only freeze a small amount of water, but this was froze from something bigger." He added as Ratchet scanned the ice. "The only culprit I can think of doing this is Blitzwing." He said. "Who's Blitzwing?" Grim asked as Bumblebee joined in, "A decepticon who has a screw loose." He joked. Meagan explained to her brother that Blitzwing is a decepticon with three different personalities, a calm and cold personality, an aggressive and hotheaded personality, and a personality that is more crazy than the other two. "Wow! Send that guy to the mental ward." Patrick joked. "You may laugh now, but Blitzwing is very dangerous." Bulkhead said as he gently brought some humans from their stuck boat and onto the shore. Meagan looked at her brother in worry, maybe letting him and his wife come here wasn't such a good idea. Then the sound of a jet was heard flying above them as the Autobots got into a battle stance. In midair, the jet transformed into Blitzwing himself. The humans stared at the decepticon with fear. Meagan's protective instincts for her family kicked in as she took out her katana. She's not going to let anyone hurt her sister-in-law and her little brother. The only human that was brave enough to step forward was Grim. "As big as your little ice trick is. I'm not impressed." He said to the Decepticon. Blitzwing looks at the superhuman with a sinister smile while still on his calmer side. "As long as I've gotten your attention, Grim Darkson." He said, "I wasn't trying to be impressive." He added, "Then why do you want my attention?" Grim asked, "Fascination. I've told my leader about you and your brother that he allowed me to observe." The decepticon said, "Consider my little trick a way of showing my curiosity." He said, leaving peacefully. Grim glared at the sky, now knowing he has a rival that is just as icy as he is. Meagan lowered her weapon in relief as she walked to Grim. "Looks like you got Blitzwing's attention with your powers as much as he did to you with his." She said, put her hand on his shoulder. "At least he kept one personality, I would rather not meet the others." Grim said, looking at her.

To be continued...

[stellahikaru]

State of The Starry Path Hotel #4 (March 1st 2024)

Hello! Welcome to the fourth installment of the State of The Starry Path and the first one in March! I thought about doing a monthly wrap up but considering I didn’t get much done in February, I decided against it. OKAY NOW ONTO THE UPDATE!

Mini Life Update

It feels like I have so little time these days. I needed to help do some fixes for the main assignments of my capstone project so that took up most of my time and energy for the first part of the week. Then I was focused on assignments for my other classes for the rest of the week and before I knew it, it was Friday again. Man, I wish I had more time in general. 

On the bright side, I will be on break for next week! I can finally relax and take some time for myself. While I will need to do some school related things during my break, the fact that I do not need to go to class means I can focus on relaxing, playing video games, and content creation of course!

Content Creation Progress Update

So I ended up not really thinking about content creation at all this week. I feel terrible about it but what can I do besides move forward? Thankfully, I will be off of school for the following week so I can get some work done on YouTube videos.

This Week’s Goals

Make an ideas list and write down a minimum of 5 ideas: This goal is a holdover from last week but since I will not be in school, I will have more time to devote to it this week. 

Choose 1 idea and start a video script for it: Once I finish writing down some ideas, I’m going to choose one and start writing a script for it. Unfortunately I won’t be able to record any audio or gameplay because I won’t have my main PC with me, but 

Research editing software: I’m going to look for a free or low cost editing software that I can use to make videos. Even though I won’t be able to test it while on my break, I can still install it when I come back to my PC. 

This Month’s Goals

Make one YouTube video: I want to make a Youtube video this month even if it’s terrible. The majority of the weekly goals are going to be focused on this for the month.

This Year’s Goals

Get monetized on YouTube: I want to eventually make money off of my content so I’m hoping to get monetized on YouTube this year. This is going to be a tall order, but I hope I can keep working towards this with my weekly and monthly goals!

Become an Affiliate on Twitch: Despite making Twitch less of a priority, I still want to be able to become an affiliate on Twitch. While I do need to find a way to meet the seven days streaming requirement, I want to be able to draw in viewers first. 

Gain 100 followers on any social media besides YouTube or Twitch: I actually am over halfway to 100 followers on Twitter as of writing this, but I still don’t get a ton of engagement on my post. In addition, most of the followers I have gotten are those annoying GFX bots and it’s a little bit disheartening. I also want to build up a following on Tumblr and Bluesky as well! 

Make a community Discord server: Once I build up a community, I want to create a Discord server for people to hang out in. However, I want to wait until there is a demand for a Discord server. This goal is lower priority compared to the other goals but I hope that this does end up happening this year!

Final Thoughts

I can’t wait to be able to relax and not have to think about school all the time this week. Hopefully this month I can hit the ground running and actually be able to finish the goals I set out for myself this week. Also I do want to make an announcement regarding streams for the next couple of weeks. I will not be streaming tomorrow or next Saturday. Since I am planning on going back to my parent’s house, I will need to spend tomorrow preparing for the drive there and then the following Saturday is when I’m planning on coming back, so I do not want to pressure myself to get back in time for a stream. My next stream will be on Saturday March 16th at 2 PM EST. However, I will make sure to write a blog post for next week! Anyway, I hope your stay was bright and your journey is filled with light!

[birlwrites]

I love your writing; lachrimae was beautiful, Regulus when he was in captivity was so well written, and I'm eager to read the blood finch whenever you post it, not to mention evocatio. However, To The Dark Lord is The Best fanfic I have ever read. I understand that quality takes time; I'm not looking for a date, or a timeframe. I just want to know whether or not it will be updated. The answer will have no bearing on the reading of the rest of your work for me; I'm just curious.

it would be nice if i had a definite answer! i too would love to know. the unfortunate thing is, though, that i genuinely have no idea when i'll want to work on it again.

now, 'want' is a funny word in this context. i want to work on ttdl in the sense that i want it to keep going and i don't want to abandon it. but i also don't want to work on ttdl in the sense that i want to keep it backburnered so i can work on other things. i'm trying not to treat my fanfiction like a job, so the backburnering wins.

btw, my apologies if this comes across as abrupt or brusque - i've gotten this question a handful of times recently and every time i respond i get more plainspoken about it. i am not angry or upset with you! also this got long so i put in a cut, oops

it might be helpful for me to provide some extra context: i started ttdl while i was in college. i lived in a campus dormitory and was a full time student while also working part-time on the side. a substantial proportion of ttdl was written in intense binge-like writing sessions during school breaks or at times when i didn't have that much homework and thus didn't have much to do when i wasn't at work. the hyper-regular update schedule came from me having a large backlog of chapters that were already complete and ready to be posted, so i could post a new chapter every week regardless of how much time or energy i'd had to write in the past 6 days.

in addition, ttdl was pretty much always on the brain for me - like, i was obsessed with it. when i had spare time to myself, there was never any question about how to spend it. i struggled to keep up with '1 chapter a week' when school was in session, but that didn't matter, because i had that chapter backlog from my breaks.

this is important because that is not what my life is like anymore.

last year, i finished school, moved out of my parents' home, and began working a full-time job almost exclusively from home. i have a roommate, so the housework doesn't fall entirely upon me, but i still have far more responsibilities in my day-to-day life, on top of working a full-time job, with no long scheduled breaks like i had when i was in school. that's had a noticeable negative impact on my mental health, and countering *that* takes time and energy.

right away, i had trouble keeping up with ttdl. all the shenanigans involved in moving, furnishing a new place, and getting to know a new area were fatiguing, and then i jumped straight into my job with no recovery time.

i knew it would be rough, of course - i planned for it, and i believe i put ttdl on a deliberate, announced hiatus before i moved so that it wouldn't be an additional source of stress. and i was excited to get back to it once i was ready, whenever that would be! i had this vision of me writing new chapters in my new home-office setup in the corner of my bedroom, feeling organized and creative and productive.

here's the thing about a hiatus: people lose interest.

it's totally natural; i do too! there are so many things to read that it is difficult to remain invested in one that's not right in front of your face all the time. i don't blame anyone for that. we should all be able to chase the stories that spark our interest and explore new things.

however. ttdl is a very long fic. it is over 250k and it is not even close to being finished. it is also very complicated. my writing is not overly descriptive - those are basically 250k words of plot. complicated stories are hard to write because they require intense mental energy. long stories are hard to write because they require long-term focus. complicated, long stories are exponentially more so on both counts because those two difficulties feed on each other.

so, if i put my long, complicated megafic on a hiatus, and people lose interest, then when i scrape together enough of my mental capacity to put out another chapter, it is going to get less of a response than i'd hoped for. even though i know why it's happened, that doesn't stop it from being disappointing. and i'm busier now, and i don't have as much time or energy to spend on ttdl, and now i have the additional burden of worrying whether people even still care.

(this is not a strictly rational worry. like i said, full-time WFH isn't great for my mental health. i'm working on it, but it's a work in progress.)

so what happens next? updates slow down. i get progressively more demotivated because i feel like i'm putting in more than i'm getting out in this situation. posting new chapters stresses me out because then i have to worry about how many comments this one is going to get and how it'll compare to the one before. how many people are going to go to the trouble of telling me that they liked this thing i worked hard on? that number keeps dropping because my updates are slower. people lose interest. what if they don't like it anymore? i try to make my author's notes engaging. i ask questions so people will have something to say in response. of course, this doesn't work if people aren't reading the new chapters at all. i have no way of knowing. i try not to stress about it. i remind myself that i am incredibly lucky to get the response that i do because there are so many writers who get barely any attention or response from their communities. i stress about it. i don't want to post the next chapter. i don't want to write the next chapter because once i write it i need to post it because i've kept people waiting long enough, haven't i?

it's been five months and one day since i last updated ttdl and i don't know when i'll update it again. i want to - i really do. this story means so much to me, and i don't want to leave it hanging like this.

but i also need to chase the stories that are going to make me happy. right now, ttdl does not make me happy. it makes me stressed and disappointed and that's not how fanfiction should feel.

so, do i hope that someday i will come back to it? absolutely yes. i know exactly what needs to happen in the next chapter. if i get the motivation back, i can do it. i want to have that motivation back. i want to complete this story. (the series would reach over a million words, i'm pretty sure.) i don't want to have it sitting there on my ao3, unfinished, reminding me that people are waiting for more of my work.

but i've been struggling with that motivation for a while now, so please do not hold your breath.

[softlyfiercely]

FOR THoSE FOLLOWING THE #EASTERBASKETS SAGA

I can happily report that while it was still a bit of a clusterfuck, it was a clusterfuck in predictable and unavoidable ways, for which I was prepared for, and

I TOTALLY PULLED IT OFF.

So, initially, I'd decided to make the "Easter Gift Making" event begin at 1:00 in the afternoon on Holy Saturday. I chose this time because it would have been a major hassle to include lunch in the program but it needed to be early enough in the day to allow time for drivers to deliver them but also not require people to wake up early on a Saturday, so can't be "after breakfast before lunch."

(Church programming for children and families almost always includes food, so I either needed to meet that expectation or explicitly buck it)

HOWEVER

All the schools in this area happen to be on spring break THIS WEEK, so like 90% of the most engaged, involved children & families were like "sorry we won't be there for any Holy Week stuff"

(this has caused some Consternation re: children's involvement in Maundy Thursday and Palm Sunday and Good Friday stuff, so, it's just been part of the larger situation surrounding The Easter Baskets)

so, I'd only heard from two families that they were coming, and it's two kids who are friends, so then one family said they actually had a conflict at 1:00 but could come at 11:00, I was like you know what, sure. we'll be there at 11:00.

But of course there still has to be something for kids who arrive at 1:00 to do, because that WAS the initially set time for the event, and we don't technically require RSVPs, it's just that things are so shoestring right now that it comes down to stuff like this.

so I tell the other family "hey, if your kid comes at 1:00, they might be the only one there, but their friend will be there at 11:00" and they were like ok cool we can actually change our plans

so then at 11:00 I just set up with two kids and we got going.

unfortunately if you remember from chapter one of this saga i am inexplicably sharing on tumblr, the whole activity of "making the easter gifts" was designed to be something where a bunch of kids (6-12 is the average attendance at these things) can have a good time making them. so it was just very different Vibes. and we set up in the kitchen where one kid's mom was setting up for tomorrow's Easter Brunch instead of the usual children's programming space, and we just got to it

the two kids had a great time, they got to be very involved and hands-on. and the Easter gifts got made and they were lovely - I wish I could have taken a photo for y'all but there would be no way to show them to you without being somehow identifying.

we cut and tied ribbons around the jars. they filled the jars with water and arranged the flowers in the jars. then they put these watercolor flower stickers on some pastel colored gift bags I'd gotten.

then they colored in cards that i had made, which had a FUCKING TASTEFUL AND CUTE, NOT BANANAS "Happy Easter" line drawing with crosses and bunnies that the kids could color in, and then on the inside it said "my name is" "i am years old" "my Easter prayer for you is" and the kids, in their adorable little kid handwriting and spelling, wrote their names, their ages, and their Easter prayers which were things like "we are thikig of you" and "haav a joyful easter"

and then they helped me make sure one of each thing that i had prepared earlier (chocolate bar, Easter bulletin, "scriptural item," and card signed by priest) was in each bag.

as a bonus, because we only had two kids, and one of the kids belonged to the parent who was there prepping tomorrow's brunch, she just kind of fed us lunch from the leftovers of what she was making, so the food thing actually totally worked out

then, of course I had to wait until 1:00, and sure enough, a family showed up with their two kids, and by then the other two kids had left for their other engagements, so it was awkward in that way of "yay...you're the only ones here..." but I was prepared for that as much as I could be, and so we set up with the cards and they made some more cards, and we added them to the bags.

and i got some quality one-on-one time with the kids, who haven't been around as much so I don't know them as well, and we had some good bonding, and the cards they made were really sweet (they were a bit older than the other kids, the children's program is all ages 5-11 which is a wide developmental range)

and THEN, THE DELIVERIES which were an absolute fucking NIGHTMARE last year, but they went so smoothly.

There was one address that was pretty far out and I was worried about finding a driver for that, but then a friend of that guy's just emailed me like "hey I'll take his basket" (THEY'RE NOT BASKETS) so that was a problem solved. and then i lined up some volunteers for deliveries, but one of them dropped out last minute which would have sucked EXCEPT that the family that came late/on time was like oh we wanted to deliver some, so i got to be like oh sure yes definitely! here is a formational participation opportunity just for you!!!

and one of the other delivery volunteers sent me an email afetrwards thanking me for organizing this and saying she'd had a great time delivering them and wished she'd signed up for more!

augh - i'm just, i'm good at my job, y'all. i figured out how to make this a positive, formational, community building experience for all involved despite some pretty major challenges!

now...on to the sunrise vigil! at which i will be performing a poem! that i wrote! just now! aaahhh!

[onlyonewoman]

Yesterday I fucked up

I have ADD and autism. MOST of the time, people tend to not think of it, because I’m quite high functioning, meaning it can sometimes be really frustrating when they underestimate my problems, despite me telling about them repeatedly. Well, yesterday I, a 40-year old woman, who can count the major fights with my hubby over 18 years on our combined fingers. Like, neither of us is the type to be loud and screaming, or ignoring one another. We talk it out and then realise we’re morons, make some more coffee and go about our day. Now, my hubby is neurotypical and I’m very grateful for that. He’s my rock, he has supported me through shitty times, he’s never tried to change the way I am and always respects my personal space. There’s a reason why I waited more than 15 years for him to be ready to get married. The thing is, being generally quite high functioning with two major, invisible disabilities, OFTEN make people assume my difficulties aren’t that bad OR, which is almost as bad, start trying to solve a problem FOR me without my input. The latter was what made me explode yesterday. See, in a few months time, we have to temporarily move out due to a huge renovation which, of course, is stressful, but our landlord is great and things are handled very well. My hubby, who has a great work memory and a lot better planning skills, has been the best by being responsible for gathering the information about the temporary move, calling our landlord etc. This is awesome and I’m SO grateful for that. The problem is, my hubby started to take over A LOT more than I ever said I wanted him to and it all started with our old freezer. You see, generally, I take care of stuff like cleaning the drains, defrosting our freezer, the laundry etc. by myself, and our old freezer that will be exchanged to a new one after the renovations, is... fucked up. So, naturally, I wanted to defrost our big freezing box that we bought two years ago. i also wanted to collect a bunch of old books to get to second hand and place them in a box. My hubby said no to me starting with the books and that just... stopped my flow, but I figured I could start with the freezer instead and then he came in and said no, like... Like I was a child messing up the kitchen, instead of a grown ass woman who knows exactly what she’s doing. I LOST it. And I mean REALLY lost it. I kicked our piles with folded laundry around and wiped down everything on the top of our bureou in the hallway (nothing that could be borken, thankfully) and then I just left, slamming the door REALLY hard and running out in the middle of the night. It was awful and it’s one of only two major autistic meltdowns I’ve ever displayed as an adult. I scared the living hell out of my husband and, which I feel VERY guilty about: he was scared I’d turn violent. I’ve not been violent to anyone since I was ten or something and I grew up in a family where my parents and older sibling unfortunately often had HUGE fights where no one could control their temper or voice - and things DID turn violent at times too. It was absolutely awful that I showed the same signs of uncontrolled anger as I had experienced - and been SO scared of - as a child. So that was on me, completely, and i apologised profusely when I came back and we finally could talk.

No excuse for that.

Now we come to WHY I acted out like that.

My husband treated me like a child and very casually told me no about something I wanted to do that:

1. I had every right to do. 2. Was very much capable of doing. 3. Didn’t require his help or input.

He didn’t suggest or ask me not to defrost the freezer, he said “we’re not doing that now”.

There’s a HUGE difference between “I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that now” and “we’re not doing that now”.

The first one is an opinion from one adult to another, the second one is a child being told no from an adult. In that moment, I very much felt like I was treated like an unreasonable child, by an adult who thought I couldn’t take care of things I’ve done plenty. My husband, on the other hand, thought he was helping and didn’t understand that his “we’re not doing that now” didn’t come out like a question AT ALL, but a casual order, a “no” to a stupid child. THAT, more than anything, caused my crash and burn. But the worst of it, was that I didn’t think twice about how absolutely insane it was for me to take orders from him, let alone him giving them. My brain immediately went to “I’m not being heard = he doesn’t listen = he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m autistic = he doesn’t trust me to make decisions = he thinks it’s just fine for him to tell me no like I’m a child”. Enter cause and effect: absolute explosion. He thought he was helping me by not having me take on more work: I thought he was telling me I couldn’t be trusted to defrost the fucking freezer. Eventually we managed to talk it out properly and we’re fine now, but we both take responsibility for our different fuckups. He, by listening to me and admitting that just because defrosting the big freezer seemed unnecessary and/or difficult to HIM, it was neither of those things to ME. And so he apologised for making unilateral decisions about things I didn’t need his input for. I, in turn, apolgised both for blowing up so much, for throwing things around and for scaring him. Today, he made a check off list for things needing to be done before the move and put up on the refrigerator so I could have control too and I made a nice dinner and raspberry pie to make up some for scaring him.

It was a shitty experience for both of us, to say the least, but it also came out with some good things:

1. He realised he doesn’t have to handle all the planning alone. 2. I realised what I saw as patronizing, was a genuine attempt at helping. 3. He understood that a major thing like a move, REQUIRES me being in control on MY terms - of course as long as it doesn’t cause him problems and vice verca. 4. I defrosted the motherfucking freezer today and showed him first hand how damn stupid he was for trying to talk me out of it in the first place. Moral of the story? Don’t treat a disabled person like a child, unless you’re prepared to take a fullblown meltdown.

[octokinesis]

Dancing until the Way is Clear

I cannot believe it has been so many years since my last post. Looking back, however, it makes perfect sense. I was so engaged with having my art be my life while attempting to recover my spark from an impossible employment situation (that unfortunately provided hours of laughter) that I set aside few, if any hours to document what was happening. And if you know me, you know that when I’m in a perfect storm like that, I find its eye and hunker down to…study.

And I did! You might have noticed the extra sections here on the website about Somatic Activated Healing™. I received my certification in 2022 and have been in service to healing the world through dance ever sice. Don’t get me wrong. I been done been doin dat! This time I do it with a full sense that I am authorized to go forth. For many of us Gen Xers in tradional arts, we would be the erstwhile culture bearer, but our elders and/or mentors are still around living from the fruits of their labor OR, COVID took them before we felt we were fully annointed to walk through th eotherside of the gates, back into community, carrying the sacred bundle. Kinda frustrating.

Now we find ourselves looking for classes to take or a studio to use and there is no longer an acceptance that beocming better in order to great things requires repetition, humbleness, and time. People want to work less, sleep less, weigh less, pay less, save the environment while traveling more, shopping more (hiding that fact from themselves by doing it mostly online), drinking and eating more. They want to be paid a living wage but want to be waited on hand and foot at a discount. In this climate, getting people to bring their earthsuits to a dance class just for the feeling of being there can become tricky business. With this SAH Method™ certification, I can meet you in your lving room via Zoom.

The irony is that I stumbled into the Method because I was looking for a way to address the trauma in the bodies of people I wanted to interview during ART+FACT, a National Performance Network-funded project I helmed twice with my homies, The Earthseed Collective, in Holly Springs, Mississippi. It was great becoming a Southern Artist for Social Change, but it was almost impossible to get to activation phase because of the terror still alive in the memory and flesh of residents of that town. We were looking at 1973 to understand how our parents dreamed the present we were living in 2023 to then create the dreamscape necessary for 2073. Intentionality was going to be supported by deep listening, songs, drums, and dance…except people would come to watch the outdoor West African dance class from the safety of their cars.

In 1973 my little town integrated their public school system during Christmas break, sending a terse letter out to white families that the local high school had no. choice in the matter because “seperate but equal” could not be proven in the district. That Christmas, white separatists and supremacists spent the holiday erecting what became known as ‘seg academies’ all over the region. The parent meeting, rallies and fights that made that moment happen had left their mark in the collective imagination of all. Additionally, white networks of surveillance went underground, but continued to keep tabs on Black and Indigenous people. So while I COULD give an African dance class on the courtyard with live drums, I could also find doors closed in fear, interviews for the podcast cancelled, and local news outlets pretending to have not received our press releases.

We had super cool shit planned for the performance part that woud have accured after the memory and object collection phase. In fact, I just managed to get a Mississippi Art Comission grant to make the crockpot tietravel devices FINALLY. I feel odd because my collaborator had to close their business because the building was sold out from under them….that’s for another post.

So I still practice Somatic Activated Healing™. If I didn’t, I might honestly be dead or at least have had a massive heart attack by now. Getting my unexpressed emotions out, learning to stop giving meaning to every little feeling, and practicing dropping the story and staying with the feeling has radicalized me in wild, wonderful ways. Teaching it as acting technique alongside Stanislavski technique fueled me intellectually as well as psychologically. Giving a session in a corporate environment to groups who are struggling to find their way through tumultuous transformations in the way we do business has been a masterclass. Last November I spearheaded the first World SAH Day experience, showcasing 24 hrs of sessions by certified teachers around the globe via the Lyceum at Rust College. Now I’m launching a business to cultivate a sacred, sovereign space for cultivating imagination, genius, and joy; SAH Method™ is an integral part of this endeavor.

On August 8, 9, and 10 I will have a live offering each evening at Urevbu Contemporary as a soft launch to A Place for Joy LLC. It’s feeling anything but soft. While tickets are available at Eventbrite and Luma, I’m out here in these streets meeting people, introducing them to the Method and the biz, hoping to see them in person on at least one fo those nights. Yes, entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart. But I have every faith that those who have been searching for the one thing that would make all the difference will arrive through the doors of this beautiful gallery and get their entire life.

Maybe you will be one of them.

[flint9]

What Radicalised Me?

If you don't want to read all the paragraphs, you can skip to where I restate this question near the end for the answer, although it will be missing a lot of context.

Anyone who has looked through my blog may have noticed that I am not speaking out against the atrocities happening in Gaza. Unfortunately, I plan on keeping things that way, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about why. For reference, this entire thing is not a justification. It is not a defence. It is a study of what has happened in my life for me to have the attitude I do towards politics.

To start, I should say that I would describe myself as a left-leaning moderate. No, the title saying I have been radicalised is not a lie. Being a moderate has slowly radicalised me.

Some people may already have speeches prepared for why I should be ashamed of myself and how moderates are the most evil thing in existence. In fact, I am quite scared to even say this because I know that the general response will be very negative.

But please at least read what I have to say first. Not because I expect it will change your mind, but maybe your approach.

1. What made me a moderate?

I would say that it began in the earlier years of primary school (Australian primary school, which is different years to US primary school). From an incredibly young age, I have been told over and over again that the world is dying.

Climate change was and is an explosive topic, and it was something that I was forced to comprehend before I was in my double digits. I was told that everyone I loved was going to die early, and that, as a 9-year-old, I could do nothing about it. This story stayed the same when I was 10, 11, 12, and into the future.

I was faced with two choices. Rebel or conform. And at that young age, with the incredibly limited power I had, I chose to conform. To accept that I was going to be helpless for years to come and that that was normal.

This is as opposed to trying to attend political rallies when I had no real knowledge of the broader picture and with moderately conservative parents who sigh in pity at protestors.

However, this internal helplessness soon became learned helplessness. I had decided that there was nothing I could do, so I stopped trying. Then comes the internet and social media.

2. Why am I still a moderate?

Especially after joining Tumblr, I have seen essay after essay about many political issues, the most notable of which being the genocide of Gaza. There were many links and many resources for how to help, yet I decided to remain helpless.

In my learned helplessness, I was averse to even trying to help. After all, I had seen so many posts about being careful with what resources I trust that I came to the conclusion it really wasn't as easy as pressing a single button. I had to do proper research to make sure what I did would actually help Gaza.

But because I did not act, and because I have been surrounded by posts whose goal is to guilt people into acting, I was forced to make another choice.

Rebel.

Or conform.

So I conformed.

Not making a decision soon became my decision, and it has stuck to me like glue. If I wanted to escape that decision, it would require me justifying not acting already.

Sunk cost fallacy.

And yes, I do have reasons for why not acting is justifiably better in my situation than acting. But those reasons are not the point of this. Instead, I want to talk about...

3. What radicalised me?

Let's reframe that question to fit my exact context. What made me feel so strongly against rebelling?

Because I have been told by the people I would have to call my allies that I am the enemy.

If I am your enemy, then that must mean that you are my enemy.

And why would I become the ally of my enemy?

Again, this is not a justification, it is a case study of what is happening in my subconscious mind.

I have been told that I am vermin and scum, leaving me either the choice to decide that I am the worst thing to ever exist and then use that guilt to drive action, or to refuse that notion and decide that the person telling me that is the true vermin.

When I hear protestors shouting in the street, my gut instinct is not to listen, but to cower. If activists think I am the enemy, then these angry, shouting activists must want to hurt me. It's an instinct, not a fact.

But instinct is hard to shake.

4. What is the actual point of all of this?

The point I want to make is that villainising people does not encourage them to help.

Guilt is a powerful force, but we humans can only tolerate so much of it. Once it gets too much to bear, a person is forced to address it. And the easy way out is deciding that the people creating the guilt are actually against you.

Instead, I would recommend providing resources for how to help alongside reputable sources that demonstrate that these resources are valid.

Also, at this point, I am so far behind the movement that I simply do not understand half the points being made. What actually is anti-zionism? What is the goal of the international encampments? What are the protests that people are standing in streets recruiting for actually against and how is a strike going to achieve that?

If we want people to join the cause, then they need to know what cause they are joining.

To make change requires the hands of many.

We are in this together.

[yulirene]

I'm not particularly fond of posting or sharing my problems since I almost end up oversharing, and I'd find myself feeling both humiliated and embarrassed. I get emotional, something that I honestly hate to acknowledge.

I'm 18, graduating senior high in about 3 1/2 months. I came from a great school, to which people usually say. I, also, regard it as such; quality education, a somehow good environment, and being surrounded by great students and amazing teachers. Perhaps an environment that smart people, or rather, the above average people would love. It's not something to hate.

Although, I will have to admit that I indeed hated the idea of being there, but perhaps meeting my friends lessened that hatred. My main reason for hating is because I got in against my own will despite passing the exam in a fair square manner. Anyways, the teachers also somehow made my days worthwhile despite the constant failures I face there. Struggles, challenges, exhaustion, stress, low scores; Sometimes, I even feel like I'm just average, and perhaps that I'm the least smartest, so I lowered my expectations by a lot. To say that I started to lose my confidence and began de-appreciating myself, I came to a point where I would much rather just survive and not get kicked out of the school. Just make sure not to fail. Submit your requirements. And live. A constant cycle. But I had my friends. And I have a dream. Although I don't have a school in mind, I do have a plan on what I want to do.

I want to study chemistry, then study forensics and become a scientist who could assist in investigations. Childish? Yes, it seems like it. After all, as a child, I loved reading detective books, Sherlock Homes, Agatha Christie, and Hardy Boys, name a few more local books. I loved investigation despite how it may seem horrifying it is in real life. I may hate horror movies, but my heart always ached for finding out the truth in things. Perhaps, if somebody died right now, I would wonder "why?", "how?", and "what happened?" Connecting the threads of it seemed to be something that always caught my attention.

Unfortunately, that dream can't be achieved. Being a forensic scientist is almost unachievable. Perhaps I'm not the best in studying, I procrastinate a lot, but when it comes to my interest in forensics and crimes, I always make sure to put my whole attention to every detail. Much more attention than the one I give in studying.

My parents always remind me to maintain my grades, and of course, I always do my best to do so. Because I have dreams I want to achieve. But, whenever discussions about colleges or universities pop up, I would much rather not attend such a topic. I hate how my mom would always mention the costs it would take to put in the school that I'm aiming for. I'm grateful that she wants to support me, but sometimes, I get the impression that she thinks I want her to support me, as in the type where I wouldn't help her. As if she was expecting that she pays for everything. "I can always get a part-time job." I wanted to say that, but I know she wouldn't want that. Perhaps it was because of pride that she could try to support me financially or that she just wants me to focus solely on my studies. I love her. I love her, really, but I hate how she always talks about financial things regarding college. She ones told me to just study nearby. The farthest I could possibly go is in Cebu so that it'd be cheaper. I get it, but what is the point of putting in such an outstanding school, with scholarship, and just put me in some state college?? The closer I am to home, the better. I understand that, and truly, I would love the idea. But I hate it. I hate it. There's not many opportunities here. One line I will always say to end these college or university topics is that,

"You put me in a prestigious high school, one that I didn't even want to go to. And now that I actually ended up liking it and want to plan my life out, you'd put me in a state college? Here? Just nearby? Where there's less to little to no opportunities?" And that would somehow end it.

I want to get a part-time job as early as now. But living in the Philippines isn't making it easy when there's limited job offers or side hustles available for people around 16 or 17. I'm 18, but it's still a challenge to find a job where you'd earn a lot.

I want to choose my own college and enjoy my life the way I'd want it. Being in this high school, where I am now, gave me the idea that I should always search for bigger opportunities and not be limited to what is only around you. And I will do that.