#under cut bc its long

[ink-the-artist]

I love your artwork so much! Your colors are so vibrant and none of the white speckles in the paper ever shows, its so impressive and I really dig it! I was wondering if you use any sort of blending medium? Like baby oil or anything? Either way, I really enjoy looking at your artwork and I'm always excited to see whatever you'll make next

I use a colorless blender (prismacolor, which is wax-based so baby oil probably wouldnt work) but my scanner is also rly bad about picking up white specks in a way photographing the art with my phone isnt, so I usually have to do some digital editing to get rid of them as well.

I do this by duplicating the layer, setting the one on top to "darken," and using the mixer brush to blend out the white spots + just use the eyedropper tool to select the color of that area (needs to be a slightly lighter shade of it) and color over the white spots with the brush tool

i edited a small bit of the original scan to show what i mean

original:

with the edited layer:

heres how it looks set to normal instead of darken, I used both the mixing brush and regular brush just to demo it

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

whiteboard shenanigans w @indigopoptart <3

[liquidstar]

i think that on here we've kinda talked a lot about how the traditional "coming out" narrative presented in popculture is flawed in reality. because it always presents this idea that you have to tell everyone who you Really are, that youre Hiding parts of yourself, that you can never be You until you bare your Secrets to the world. and that actually this isnt because people feel entitled to your personal business but that its hurting YOU when they dont know your personal business so you should really just tell them. (but also dont be "too" proud because thats annoying :( act mostly cishet please but dont lie about it! hehe!) it will work out every time for sure :)

but ofc thats not how real life works. i mean, naturally i understand that there are OF COURSE people out there who want to be loud and proud about who they are, and that this is incredibly important to their identity which theyve suppressed for so long. but that "coming out" narrative is harmful because it ignores many of the reasons it had to be suppressed to begin with. its fucking dangerous! its dangerous to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. they can lose their support system, family, job, house, and their entire life. both in the sense that they'll be completely uprooted from it, and in the sense that they could be killed. so constantly presenting the notion of "coming out is good for you no matter what because its the Only way to be your Real Authentic Self and also you HAVE to do it eventually because thats how this narrative is just Meant to go. be a good little queer and please dont stray from this path."

and the problem is that plenty of young LGBT+ people completely internalize it too! ive had so many convos with young people worried about coming out to their conservative family because, well, theyre supposed to! and their minds are completely blown when i tell them that actually they dont have to do that. that theyre under no obligation to tell everyone their business and its okay to just keep being them w/o making an announcement about it. ESPECIALLY IF IT PUTS THEM IN DANGER!!!! and to be clear this issue doesnt stop at age 18 or at moving out or anything like that either, there continue to be many obstacles for many people that make coming out unsafe, or just a bad life decision to uproot everything Right Now. it's okay to just be in the closet and it isn't a moral failing like cishet media wants to convince us. we all agree, right?

good! but here's what my actual real point is:

when we talk about this, for some reason, we seem to only reaaaallly be talking about the gay side of it, right? like im sure lots of people imagined, like, teenage gay boy movies. maybe a couple lesbian and bi characters too perhaps. and that makes sense because thats like the most common narrative for this sort of trope, so ofc those are the first examples we imagine. and ofc theres the more complex addition of "passing" when it comes to trans versions of this story, the idea that you gotta look a certain way to be "valid" adds another layer.

so i think its time more people started to acknowledge this about trans people too, right? i think we can all agree with this on paper already; no trans person is obligated to come out or present a certain way if theyre not in a place where they currently are able to do so. physically, mentally, financially... or just because they dont wanna! whatever the circumstances are, there is no criteria they have to meet to be vindicated in this. it doesnt only apply to 14 year olds living with shitty parents who plan to move out soon and become "Really Trans" (as if they didnt count before conforming to The Narrative), the person could be 40 and never planning to be completely out, and its the same. they dont owe you this "showing the world who you Really are in order to [earn the right to] Be Yourself" crap. thats their choice only.

however, i also think that even if most ppl on here in lgbt circles on here agree with the general sentiment... sometimes it doesnt always get applied it practice. though the whole "truscum" thing kinda died down (thank god) i still think that rampant transmedicalism has left its scars on lots of people and the things they internalize, combined with similar cisheteronormative messages in popular media about how your narrative Should go and how you Should act and look to be respected, and its Morally Wrong not to fit that mold.

so when encountered with people who dont pass, who dont TRY to pass and instead actively choose to look like their agab due to the fact that they are literally in the closet irl (lest we forget people have whole entire complex lives outside of the net) this sort of short circuit happens in ppls heads, where that internalized idea of "but you're supposed to be THIS WAY! youre not doing it RIGHT!" pops back up and they end up labeling that person as fake or Not Trans Enough for this reason.

and i do also think part of this stems from people not having enough sympathy for those whose paths are different, because they were told not to. theres a Right way, and they did it the right way. and likely they struggled for it a lot, so isnt it unfair that people are doing it the Easy Way (as if its easy to be closeted to begin with) and claiming theyre like you? thats Wrong. they have to Earn it. you lgbts should all get mad at EACH OTHER actually! this will help your community be better [in the eyes of cishetero society that doesnt really want you to exist to begin with]

additionally the reason im emphasizing the internet side of this so much is because... well, in this day and age, thats the space lots of people go to to NOT be in the closet. to at least microdose on being "out" while in real life they very much arent. like i said before, being in the closet is rough and taxing, suppressing yourself hurts which is why so many people wanna be loud and out and proud! not everyone can though, so turning to a place with relative anonymity to get that is great, and i think its probably saved a lot of people. but also because of this, its pretty much the only way to get the scenario this is positing to begin with- where you know a stranger can know that youre trans even if youre otherwise closeted completely, just so they can tell you that youre Not. but how many people in the past do you think lived lives where they never let these feelings out at all? how many alive today do you think dont even express them online?

you know that sort trope (often stereotypes in media) of a trans person "crossdressing" only when alone, in order to get a short bit of relief or euphoria that they cant in their closed life? i think that today we have the internet to do that. i think its kind of the same thing. but its also very different, because its not as private. its still secret, because its anonymous, but its also something shared with plenty of strangers at the same time. they dont know you irl, so its safe, distant, and gives you that rush of being yourself, and being referred to correctly by others too. theres community, theres support, and theres friendship too, once you get to know those strangers. its not a "second life" or a "persona" is just a side of yourself you dont show elsewhere, an identity that needs to be let out one way or another.

who the fuck are we to deny others the right to this life-saving connection just because they arent out? because they dont pass or dress the Right way irl? because we decided they arent trying hard enough to "fit in"? because they dont plan to change their lives to fit the right narrative anytime soon?

should they not be allowed into the community then? that would be perfect wouldnt it? leave many who need support out to die, because they did it Wrong. fight within our community over who is doing it Right until we've broken it in half. the righteous ones [according to cishet standards] are surely going to be treated with respect once they get rid of the Bad ones, right?

yeah, i dont think so. thats horseshit. we're stronger together than we are apart, thats why infighting is so useful to those who dont want us to be strong to begin with. its important to help each other, boost each other up, even if some of us arent playing the "right" part irl. are we really just going to sit around and accept the cishet norms as rules to live by? fuck that. not everyones story will reflect it, and you have to accept them anyway if you want a strong community. it doesnt matter how much they might look/act like their agab irl, if theyre telling you otherwise take it at face value, respect them the way you would any other. again, many of us agree with this on paper, but i think we still have to put work into acting on that too.

the end <3

[petshopbutch]

thinking....thinking a LOT about sadism... i rlly want to play around with another masochistic girl, our domme watching us and directing me on how best to hurt her:

how many times to spank her when shes laid out across my lap, and if i should hit her with a paddle or a brush or my belt or our dommes belt or just my hands. sucking and twisting and biting at her tits until her nipples are puffy, oversensitive, and then putting clothespins on them. leaving bite marks on her stomach, neck, thighs.

pinning her to the bed by her throat as i edge her to the point of tears, fingers toying with the head of her leaky aching-hard cock. i smack her on the cheek with my hand coated in her precum when she starts to whine a lil too much. and once our domme has decided she's had enough, and ONLY then, i flip my girl onto her stomach, pull the cute lil plug out of her ass, just to push my strap inside of her instead. at first slow and careful, gripping their hips tight enough to bruise, but our domme gets bored and demands i quicken my pace even if theyre not ready for it, even if it makes their heady moans turn into whines and then screams.

i want a girl sobbing under me, begging to cum around my cock. i want to remind her its not up to me, ask Her, taking a fistful of her hair and lifting her head just enough to turn her to face our domme. and she does, says please please please so breathy and fucked-out and pretty and again, its only when our domme gives us permission that i reach down and stroke her through her overstimulated hardwon orgasm , that she's allowed to cum, shaking apart in my hands.

as soon as she's done - sweaty and panting and tear-soaked and limp in our bed - our domme and i are there to comfort her. to stroke her hair, ice her bruises, kiss her slap-red cheek and her tortured chest. for the rest of the night its all vanilla. aftercare. cuddling. sweet gentle touches. telling her what a good job she did taking my cock and following Her orders.

its not until the next day that our domme decides to reward me for following Her direction so well. by doing to me everything She had me do to our girl the night before.

[bacchuschucklefuck]

Do you write fh (jy) fan fiction? If so is there a way I can read it? Thanks :>

I'll say I am writing fh fanfics! but its currently in my computer and nowhere else. maybe one day I'll get what I'm writing done and somewhere not my computer and I'll let folks know!

[kingdomvel]

WIP Wednesday

From Welcome to our castle. Anakin, Quinlan and Obi-Wan play a game of billiards before the Jedi Ball

Anakin leans his cheek against the billiard stick. It’s Quinlan’s turn to play, after Anakin had fumbled his once again because he didn’t know that the move he was trying was illegal. He had told Quinlan that he didn’t know how to play billiards, only pool, but he had insisted until Obi-Wan had proposed that they did a 2v1, with Anakin and him taking turns playing.

Obi-Wan had, at the beginning, pressed his front flush against Anakin’s back, his hands on top of his to guide him. Anakin had tried not to get hard as he got flashbacks of another night in this room. His bare chest scratching against the rough fabric of the table, his hands pinned down by Obi-Wan’s, his back covered by Obi-Wan in a position very similar to the one they were in. Tat was until Quinlan had reminded Obi-Wan that Anakin had said he knew how to play pool, so he knew how to use the stick and Obi-Wan didn’t need to teach him that.

He had received glares from both Obi-Wan and Anakin, but he hadn’t seem to care.

Obi-Wan looks up at Anakin from his place beside Quinlan, where he had moved and is now trying to tease him so he misses his shot. He caresses the table with one of his hands, right next to Quinlan’s arm. Anakin gulps, the flashbacks back. Obi-Wan looks up at him with a sly smile, probably thinking the same thing as Anakin.

“Anakin dear, I never asked. Did the burn you got from the table on your chest hurt too much?” He asks. He had asked before, had fussed over him, worried he should have been more careful.

“Only in the best way.” Anakin answers.

The exchange fulfils its purpose, Quinlan fumbling his shot the moment his brain catches the meaning of the words, the ball going pathetically sideways while he groans.

“You two are nasty and that’s cheating.” Quinlan says.

“Can’t we make conversation while you play now?” Obi-Wan asks, feigning innocence.

“You know damn well that is not what I mean and I should be a allowed to repeat that.”

“You didn’t let Anakin repeat any of his, so move over.” Obi-Wan says as he pushes Quinlan away from the table.

“I’m still going to win this.” Quinlan says while he moves away.

“We’ll see about that.” Obi-Wan answers, moving the balls back to their place.

Quinlan moves next to Anakin, both of them observing Obi-Wan lean down to make his first hit.

“So,” Quinlan starts, “apart from fucking, what do you two do?”

Anakin shrugs, “we’ve done a few trips around the country, we go to the market, hang out... We went horse riding once.” Anakin doesn’t have fond memories of that day. He had agreed because he had done it before, but it turned out that the more comfortable saddles he had used for organized pleasure rides were not the ones Obi-Wan used. He had had to learn how to move with the horse better, and his legs had hurt for day afterwards. “He is also teaching me how to swordfight.”

Quinlan’s head whips around towards him.

“He is what?”

“You know, fighting with swords, he has quite a lot of them.”

“Yes, I know.” They both look at Obi-Wan walk around the table to the other side, positioning himself for another hit. The table is big enough that he can’t hear them if they don’t raise their voice, not with the music they are playing. “Do you know who taught him?”

Anakin nods, “his father and grandfather. He told me it was a bit of a Jedi Order thing. Do you know how to too then?”

“I do but-“ he cuts himself, looks at Anakin, before his eyes settle back on Obi-Wan. “For Obi-Wan it’s different. It’s important.”

Anakin want to ask him more, wants to understand the implications of his words, but Obi-Wan lets out a curse then and Quinlan laughs at him.

“You are getting rusty with age.” He teases. Obi-Wan ignores him in favour of moving to stand beside Anakin as Quinlan moves to start his turn.

“Sorry, I’m afraid we may not win this.” Obi-Wan says.

“It’s okay,” Anakin answers, “you can make it up to me later.”

[volfoss]

the big and long miss yucky restoration post, part 1:

early february, i got a very damaged (what i thought was) ddh-10 (dollfie dream head, model 10) head from yahoo japan auctions. i had never seen a doll with such damage EVER and even though i hoped someone else may buy her (i did not want to pay the shipping fees), i ended up buying her. for your viewing pleasure, images of miss yucky at the start of this with explanations of what exactly is the damage (or what i thought the damage was at the time)

[ID: Four images of a severely damaged doll head.

The first image is of the head facing straight forward. Her face is very unevenly colored. She has small patches of a darker and more yellow vinyl tone showing on her face, from the paler paint cracking away. Her face is very simple, with big eyes that have cartoonish eyelashes and a small smiling mouth. Noteably, her nose is barely there. She has many spots of dirt on her forehead. Her eyes are dark blue and round, with unsmoothed white clay above the iris.

The second image is inside the doll's head, showing the eyes being held in with hot glue, gray clay, and blue sticky putty. Her headcap is set to the side and the true more yellow vinyl color is visible on the rim of the head that is open.

The third image is her head at an angle that better shows the eyes. The eyes themselves have a weird bumpy texture on them and her face looks very shiny from this angle.

The fourth image is her head in profile, showing that her nose has been almost completely removed. The discoloration is more visible in this photo than the first, with patches of bright white along the head seam right beside dark patches where the paint appears to have been scratched away. In this picture, it is most clear where the headcap has been replaced from the original, as there is a lower seam running around her head, with the headcap being much smaller than it should be. /end ID]

Hopefully her nickname makes more sense now lol. More elaboration on the issues and her process to looking a lot better under the cut, because it is long :)

As for the issues, I assumed it was either a sealant issue or just something mysteriously wrong that was causing the sheen (once I got her in the mail, I began to assume that it was all the plasticizer leaking out of her head, leaving it rock hard). Plasticizer is what keeps vinyl (which is what her head is made of) squishy, and when it leaks out, it leaves a sticky residue on the vinyl, a lot of sheen to it, and most importantly, when it is all leaked out, it leaves the head hard. Her head was as hard of a rock (or as hard as my resin dolls) and that was the only thing that made sense. It couldn't be age, as at the time, I believed she was a DDH-10, which had only begun production around 2016 (and most of the heads that had hardened over age were at least 5-10 years older than that).

Her eyes were stuck in in some mysterious way. The white on the top being not smooth threw me off, as I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be clay or just something to stick the eyes in. I hadn't really seen white sticky putty used on eyes super often but it is something that was used. The other obvious issue is the modding. At the time, I fully believed she was a DDH-10, so was shocked at all the modding that had been done to her. Her eyes had been widened, nose completely sanded away, chin seemingly sanded a bit, and her head cap was from (what i thought was) a different company. We will return to the true ID of miss yucky shortly.

Once I got her, I became aware of a few more issues:

She was INCREDIBLY sticky when I touched her face. This is not normal with vinyl dolls, and I could really only pray it was a sealant issue (as the most popular sealant in the BJD hobby, MSC, can seal glossy if it's used improperly (I've had the same issue when spraying it too close to the face or in too cold of weather)). The shininess was far worse in person as well.

The aforementioned head as hard as a rock. For people unfamiliar with vinyl heads, this specific type of doll has a headcap (which is the thing that you can kind of see is ill fitting in the original photos) that you are supposed to be able to squeeze the head to remove. These kinds of heads are VERY squishy. For example, my other vinyl doll, Beatrix, has a head so soft that I can easily remove the headcap with little effort (it's about the squishy levels of a Monster High head if that helps). At this point, I was very worried I would be completely unable to remove her headcap. But since the listing photos had had it removed, I was moderately hopeful

Her eyes were in odder shape than I thought. Prior to getting her, i had assumed her eyes were the ones you see in an average stuffed animal, just simple ones you sew in. With her modded eyes, it was pretty clear that she would need some kind of custom eyes, so this had made sense to me, that someone would have gotten those eyes and popped some clay around them. But upon getting her, I saw that they were custom eyes that were usually made for these kind of anime BJDs (term used loosely but most vinyl bjds like this have stylings closer to anime artstyles rather than the realistic ones that resin bjds have) and had some weird residue on them.

Her eyewells (the bit of vinyl between her eye and eyeball, where your waterline would be if she was a human) were much deeper than expected, which was why her eyes looked so deep and far back. Most of my resin dolls have similar issues due to that being how the company sculpts them so I wasn't too worried about that as much as I probably should have been lol

[ID: Two pictures of the same doll head.

The first picture is from an upwards angle and shows that she has a somewhat thick line of vinyl between her bottom eyelashes and her eyeball itself. She is being held by a pale hand and the photo is under harsh lighting.

The second picture is facing from the front and is being held by a pale hand. She is noteably very shiny and is about the size of the person's palm. /end ID]

You can see here the way the vinyl is thicker under the eye than it should have been in this case. The second picture is there because she was MUCH bigger than I anticipated, about the same size as Beatrix's head. Quick explanation on why this is odd: The DDH-10 sculpt is meant for 1/4 or MDD scale bodies (BJDs have different scales, all compared to the human body. 1/4 scale dolls are less than 2 ft tall, or on average, 45 cm tall. MDD is the type of body that the company that produces the DDH-10 that is made for the 1/4 scale), but the DDH-03 (the head model Beatrix has) is meant for 1/3 scale (on average around 60 cm or around 2 ft). Everywhere online had said that 10 head model was smaller but I didn't think much of it at the time.

The day that she had arrived, I had made a post on a big BJD forum, as a sort of project journal as I worked on her. The members were IMMENSELY helpful and the hunt for her true identity had begun. A few members were convinced she wasn't a DDH-10, but to me, I really was convinced she was, as she had been listed as such, had arrived in a box for that head type, and the way that she could have been modified made a lot of sense to me with that sculpt. This was not the case, as she ended up getting id'd as an Obitsu 60 cm girl head. I'm including this for a reason (and not just because I wanted to do a big post writing up the specifics of my journey fixing her)

[ID: A blank doll head. It has the same smile and nose of the doll head shown in the photos prior, but noteably does not have any eyeholes carved in. Her vinyl color is much warmer and closer to a typical peachy tone than the very pale paint covering the prior shown doll head. /end ID]

This photo is taken from an old Mandarake listing, as one of the forum members had linked me to it. The most noteable thing here, is that unlike the head I have, the eyes are meant to be painted on (much like a Monster High head). Which means the customizer before me had hand carved these eyes (and somehow got them as even as they did). Other good news with this- the body I wanted to put her on was an Obitsu body, so somehow, they matched perfectly (each vinyl BJD company has different skintones, so I was not expecting that much of luck).

Her ID aside, let's dive into the restoration! I had to give a bit of backstory before we got into the good stuff lol

First step was getting her headcap off, as I wanted to remove her eyes before cleaning her face, just to not cause more damage to them than what had already happened to them (at this point, I did not know why the eyes looked like that). Thankfully, a hair dryer was able to heat the headcap and get it loose enough that I could pop the headcap off and get my first look inside her head.

[ID: A closeup of the inside of the doll head. There are thick globs of hot glue holding the gray clay in, a mysterious clear shape that is the back of the eye, and blue sticky tack holding it all up. /end ID]

Getting a better look at it, I just decided to dive in and start prying the hot glue off. Once I did that, it revealed that the gray clay was in fact Apoxie Sculpt (which dries VERY hard when its cured all the way. This was the worst case scenario, as I did not want to deal with removing that) and that one of the eyes came out all the way.

[ID: A closeup of the doll eye out of the head. It is surrounded by white clay on the top, with some of the Apoxie sculpt on the top. Above the doll eye, there is a piece of Apoxie sculpt that has browned and has some of the blue sticky tack on top. Two pieces of the hot glue are below the eye and the head is off to the side. /end ID]

I was SO relieved to see it was coming out, but the other eye did not come out as easily sadly. There was still a big chunk of clay that was presumably used to hold the eye in. I have no idea why the eye mechanism was like this at all to be honest. That clay was NOT coming out at all, so I moved to get her cleaned up.

At this point, I had noticed some black spots inside of the head. I was praying it was not mold because that would be nigh impossible to get cleaned up (given I could not just do what you do with MLP and heat the vinyl up and squish the mold out with using Oxi-Clean. Her head was too hard for me to do that). I had also been hit with an overwhelming "new vinyl" smell, which was another sign of the plasticizer being completely gone/leaking slightly, so I was pretty sure that was the case.

I cleaned her up with warm soapy water, but it didn't really get anything off. My next step was to remove the faceup with acetone, which is a little stronger than what most people use to remove faceups but I am very careful with it so please do not try using it unless you are cautious as well. I needed something strong to really get the layers of paint off. With how many dolls I've removed full body/full head paint off of, I have the method down pretty well (a short list of painted dolls I have had to deal with: my own Cordula head, as her head is bright white and needed to match her yellowed body; the body I have for my big guy (which was just a LOT of blue paint); Clarimonde's body (which was painted mostly to hide the top surgery scars from the modification but I wanted to remove the paint)). It came off pretty smoothly, and was revealing a gorgeously yellowed vinyl underneath. Quick clarification here, most people do NOT like their dolls yellowed. I do because it's easier to blush and work on because it is not stark white and I feel it makes the skin look a bit better for the most part (most of my dolls are yellowed but maybe 2 of them). She had some minor staining around her eyes and mouth but nothing compared to what I expected.

[ID: The aforementioned doll head, now much closer in tone to the listing photo. Her face is all cleaned up and her headcap is resting besides her. There are some faint stains by the eyes left from the eyelashes but she is otherwise completely cleaned and is blank. /end ID]

The difference was stark, as she looked much better with all the discolored paint removed. What I had worried was mold was just paint from the faceup and came off completely with no worries (I am convinced I kept lucking out with her because she was thankful to be cleaned up and taken care of).

I had, weirdly enough, been very worried that she would lose all of her charm and cuteness with no faceup, but she did not. Now that I had cleaned her up, I could return to the to do list. With no faceup, it was clear her eyes were slightly uneven, and the modding had left some scratches inside of the head that i wanted to clean up (namely because I felt bad for her for having to have those inside her head). Her nose was something that I definitely wanted to resculpt (which was partially why I wanted to get this doll, she was a big project and an excuse to learn skills that I had been too scared to learn prior to this, sculpting being one of them), but the shape was something I was super uncertain of. She would need custom eyes that were made to fit only her eye shape (her eyes are carved very low on her face in comparison to the original, so normal round BJD eyes would not fit properly) and I would want to make her a wig. I also needed to get her on the body in a specific way modification wise, which will be something we will cover in a later post (as I have not done it yet lol).

Starting with the eyes, I started to work on getting the chunk of clay out of the head. I was immensely glad I had gotten a dremel to help restore my big boy (if you remember me posting images of getting the clay on a chest piece sanded down, that is the same doll) as I had to pretty much sand away at the clay for about an hour or more. Eventually I just gave up and pried it out of the head with a small sanding tool (as sanding it down was just not working too well and it was kind of my last resort). I sanded the inside of her head and outside of it, but neither of these differences show up a lot on camera, so I won't be including images. I sanded the outside of her head to get a few of the areas that were stained a bit to be a tiny bit less stained, as well as wanting a fully clean and sanded surface before I started sculpting.

[ID: Two pictures showing the inside of the dolls head. The first one has a large chunk of white clay visible under the right eye and the second shows the same spot with no clay, as it has been removed. /end ID]

You can see how big of a hunk of clay it was! It was BAD lol. I got through maybe 3 long youtube videos while getting this thing out.

The eyeballs themselves turned out to be made of resin, and thanks to one of the members suggestion on the forum, I cleaned them with acetone. They believed it was just sealant sprayed while the eyes were still in, and the acetone cleaned them up beautifully. They were still not the right fit for miss yucky, but I was very relieved to see that they cleaned up okay.

This photo was before cleaning them up, as I was so confused what could have even been going on here and needed to get advice.

[ID: The eye close up. There is an almost foggy texture over it that obscures the colors a bit. They are a dark blue. The surface is very bumpy and there are some remnants of the white clay that surrounded them still attached. /end ID]

And this photo shows them cleaned up! The left one has been cleaned and the right has not.

[ID: The two eyes laying flat on a gray countertop. The left one is still moderately foggy but is much much clearer than the one to the right. There is a slight gradient in the iris and a small light blue highlight towards the bottom. The right eye is much foggier and is still very bumpy. /end ID]

As for the nose, I was originally planning on doing a larger nose (at least for an anime doll. Closer to what a Dollfie Dream Alna looks like versus the typical very skinny pointed nose) but the more I looked at her, the more I felt she resembled Pinoko from Black Jack. The eye shape, nose shape, and mouth shape (as well as how the eyelashes were painted) felt near identical, so I took inspiration from how Tezuka drew her nose when I was sculpting. I wanted it to flow into the rest of the profile naturally (that does not make much sense but it will once I show the pictures, or so I hope). I didn't want to do a super big difference with her nose, and stick to the original aesthetic as much as I could (which was my goal for most of this project, stick to the original but make it look a bit less "haunted doll" (as one forum member described her)).

[ID: Pinoko from Black Jack. She looks surprised or startled in the photo. She is a pale young girl with a orange-brown bob with bangs, wide brown eyes, a small round nose and a round face. She is wearing a blue shirt. /end ID] (This photo is from the All of Black Jack artbook if anyone is curious)

^Pinoko for reference. I hope the similarities are clear to see! I took some "pre-op" photos of miss yucky (she still does not have a name) and then got to work with some superfine white milliput.

[ID: Images of the blank head from the front and both sides. The first three photos show what the head looked like before the nose, and the second three photos show what she looks like with the nose. The nose is a very stark white compared to the rest of the head and is fairly small. It is upturned and has a slightly rounded tip. It flows into the rest of the profile smoothly, causing it to look very natural from the side. /end ID]

I was not perfectly happy with the nose but it was pretty close to what I had wanted, and I hoped that painting would just fix my issues. It is hard to see here but her eyeholes are also more evened out, although it is a VERY small difference.

The next step was a faceup, which was admittedly very scary. I got nail brushes to help get the fine lines a bit better than what I could do with my usual brushes (my hands are IMMENSELY shaky and have not wanted to cooperate at all during this project, thus the faceup has taken forever because I want to get it right) and wanted to pretty much just redo the previous faceup but with eyebrows and not the scariest skintone situation known to man.

For some context here - normally with faceups, you start with using chalk pastels to shade the head, then go in with watercolor pencils to get the lines, and then do acrylic paint last before doing the final sealing and glossing areas that need to be glossed. I normally follow this to a T, you can see that in my past faceups, I do most of the blushing and the eyeshadow colors first, then go through the rest of the steps.

This was not the case with this head, as I started off with trying to sketch her eyelashes with a watercolor pencil (this did NOT want to cooperate with her head texture/sealant texture) and then eventually just gave up and went in with watercolor paints on a brush. This was ALSO a pain (she wanted to be so so evil to me during this step I think lol) so I just went in with acrylics before doing anything else on the head. Her faceup was going to be mostly acrylics (minus the blushing on the cheeks) as I wanted to keep a similar look to how Tezuka paints Pinoko (he was a very big inspiration during this project, and is why I am doing certain steps, such as the nose and eyes (when I get there) the way I am) and keep the head's cartoonish and cute appearance. The eyelashes were the worst part of it, as I wanted to keep them symmetrical or as much as I could, but it was very hard. I got through the faceup immensely slowly, but to be fair, I was working on another faceup as I did hers (as I wanted to redo both of my anime style heads).

The eyebrows were OBJECTIVELY the worst part of this faceup though, as even in the mockup, I really struggled to paint ones that I felt suited her. At this point, I was really empathizing with the previous faceup artist as with her eyeshape, good eyebrows were hard to do. My other struggle was matching the nose to the vinyl. I am normally somewhat decent with color matching (again, doing Cordula's faceup around 3 times and having to color match the head to the body with paint each time helped here), but this was just very rough, as even with sanding, I felt the nose didn't blend into the face the way I wanted it to. The color was off and I couldn't figure out exactly HOW which was a very big pain. Admittedly, in lower lighting, the nose mod looks GREAT but up close with harsh lighting (which is how I do my faceups), it looked pretty rough. I'm not done with the faceup just yet, so I'm really including a few WIP pics, as I will be tossing the finished faceup pics in when I make the part 2 of this post :)

First off, the nose painted pics:

[ID: The head, now with the sculpted nose that is painted over, on a messy desk. The first image is in harsh lighting and the line where the nose mod begins and the vinyl head is more apparent. The second image is in darker and warmer lighting, and the mod looks more natural. The third image is under the same harsh lighting and shows the head tilted on its back, showing the side view of the nose that is painted. This angle makes it look better than in the first image. The paint is nearly perfect color matched but is slightly off. /end ID]

For my very first attempt doing a mod like this, I was very pleased with how it looked. Milliput is NOT as bad to work with as I anticipated and with the paint, the nose looked pretty natural. It definitely encouraged me to want to work with it more in the future, which is good (as I need to go back and fix Aca's top surgery a bit lol, as I was too scared to do the sculpting at first for him, but now I feel moderately confident about it). It was pretty fun to sculpt it but the painting was a bit of a pain since it was just off in a way that I couldn't put my finger on.

Next up, the most recent WIP

[ID: A closeup of the head, with the same cartoonish lashes painted on in black that she had before. The lashes are incomplete, with the left eye being painted partially with dark brown paint and the right in black paint. Both eyes have the bottom lashes fully painted in black and faint brown pencil marks serve as guides to place the lashes. The right eye has the first two eyelashes painted in black, whereas the left only has the pencil marks. She is very faintly blushed with a light pink on her cheeks. Another doll head in the process of being painted is in the background of the photo, mostly out of shot. /end ID]

I did dark brown paint first, in hopes that I could just outline it first and then do the blushing I needed to, but the stupid paint was NOT going on solid. So i had to jump right into the black paint and pray for the best. The best thing about acrylic paint is you can wipe it off with water easily. The faceup has been taking days, not just because of my chronic pain flaring up and making it hard to move my hands in a way that would work to make these eyelashes right, but because I am doing one lash at a time. This makes sure that my prior work isn't erased if I need to redo a lash but it makes it take a lot more time. I did this for both the heads I was working on, as they both are very fine motor skill required and I needed to get them perfect. The nose mod is also a bit more visible here, it really looks good in certain lighting and bad in others which makes it frustrating lol.

That's all for this VERY long post, ty if you have made it this far! The next post will hopefully be including progress on:

The faceup (hopefully done lol)

Eye making (this will be a VERY miserable time for me I fear)

The way I'm working with my personal modifications to the body to get the head to fit on there

Wig making/styling a wig I have to be her temp wig

And as a little bonus treat, her with Beatrix before I got her cleaned up :)

[ID: A pale vinyl BJD with an orange wig holding the project head. The doll holding the head has green eyes, and a very orange toned faceup. She is sitting on a white shelf and is wearing a white turtlenck and a striped yellow and white skirt. Their heads are around the same size. The project head has had no work done on her in this photo, so the contrast between the heads appearances in this photo is quite stark. /end ID]

[xamaxenta]

another probably uninspiring music au from me but i cant help it music is such a soulmate sort of thing

marcoace meetcute that maybe ill turn into a hot comic one day and its where Marco’s an overqualified pianist, working the night shift at a schmoozy ritzy high class hotel chain cigar lounge

He sometimes plays alone sometimes with a band sometimes with a singer, but hes never met his match yet, he’s never found that spark inside them, this is a paycheck for all his colleagues and collaborators

And then he’s introduced to Ace, a young man who certainly doesnt look like he belongs to this scene, hes far too young, far too wild, far too loud

he almost laughs when Ace says he’s the new lounge singer, Marco isnt judgemental, but, its a little difficult when Ace looks like one of the many overworked college kids scuttling around the city, when he’s got visible tattoos and bedhead and a smile that screams mischief abundance

But he shakes his hand nonetheless and welcomes him warmly as he always does, hopes for a friendly working relationship until Ace inevitably finds greener pastures

Night falls and Marco warms up with his usual ripple of harmonics and pentatonics, scales both major and minor when Ace finally joins him on the soft elevated stage,

he looks good actually, incredible, genuinely, the suit is well cut and his hair is combed handsomely over to one side, revealing an enviable profile with cheekbones that could almost rival marcos himself

The lounge the bar everything opens and the small talk theyd been enjoying comes to an end, for Marco its showtime and he can only hope Ace can keep up

They have a safe song roster, time hadnt allowed them to practice together but Ace had assured him he was prepared, trusting his professional confidence, Marco leads with the opening bars and just as he loses himself in the melody Ace begins to sing and just like that its that spark that feeling, Marco plays by rigorously trained muscle memory alone, head jerking up to watch the way Ace almost leans, sways into against the mic stand his voice drops drastically, deep, raspy so so different from his normal timbre

He gets it now, what people mean when youll know them when you hear it, because Ace has felt it just the same way he has, the lightning crackling inside his ribcage, the hook sliding gutting him with a hot bubbly feeling

Their set blurs by and by the last song Ace has meandered his way closer to Marco, magnetised to the pianist, taking the mic with him holds it in a way Marco fucking wishes was him instead, eyes lidded, dark hair scorching over his freckled features

The way Ace looks at him, the way the lyrics suddenly feel weighted and full of meaning leaves Marco dry mouthed and lightheaded

Perhaps its the way Ace leaves him, expression coy in a sultry kind of way has Marco striding after him, after theyve thanked their audience, grasping Ace by his wrist behind velvet curtains, feels the sharp edge of cufflinks when Ace tugs away with a soft “we shouldnt—“

Flustered at their proximity and the heat, Marco lets him go this time, but he knows, he knows Ace knows he does

And Marco finds hes alright with waiting just a little longer

[piplupod]

objectively a stupid thing to get irritated or upset by, but i really hate when people at the centre try to tell me how lucky i am for the life i live or how good i have it, esp when they tell me they had it sooooo much worse when they were my age. they do not know me. they do not know my life. they have no idea what my situation is.

they see somebody who is exceedingly polite and unerringly kind and shows up in nice clothes most of the time. they see that i draw in a sketchbook. they see that i work on the jigsaw puzzle. they see that i hold the door for people. they see that i greet people and ask people questions about themselves in a way that makes others feel seen and heard and appreciated.

now what the fuck are they getting from that that makes them think they know anything about me or my mental health or life situation!!! if anything they should be curious because I share so little about myself with people, I tend to keep things focused on others because that's safest for me. do they not question why i am at the mental health centre so often if i apparently seem like i have such a great life ????

[msftsn]

and @maljefe wrote in the journal; staining paper with ink to bleed the words : ❛  the truth is, i don’t want just anyone. i want you.  ❜ love confessions . loni & kazimir .

unnaturally blue eyes widen for a moment, surprise taking the cyborgs visage over like a thundering storm and for a moment it was as if kazimir brahms didn't exist. as if that cursed man from all those years ago was still alive, still human. as if that wretched man was standing here instead of him. as if there was still any humanity left in him. he stares at her, looking as though she'd just casually revealed the secrets of the world to him. she looks conflicted, as if she too can sense that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. the playful banter, the tension in the air ... it was supposed to be casual. sort of. they both knew better than to chase after something with someone who could ruin their life. & yet here they were. for a selfish moment he wants to smile.

because he never stopped loving her even after death.

his mouth opens, and perhaps for the first time since kazimir brahms first came to be his voice is more human than robotic; his throat constricts, hurts with the strain as it trembles in shock. even though he knows that he shouldn't be saying anything when he was the one who sought her out, who wouldn't let his past remain buried and followed her even though she didn't even recognize him. who selfishly pulled her in and pulled her close while donning and entirely new life and name. they both silently agreed that this was not going to be some cheesy story. that she'd do her thing just like he'd do his - that the closest to commitment they shared would be chris because whether he wanted to or not, that was her son. what foolish, emotional hypocrites they had been. his voice trembles, shivers. cracks and wavers.

❛  this isn't supposed to happen! you can't just fall in love with me!  ❜ - ❛  too late. ❜

she looks at him as if she's not sure if she can truly reach him; as if she didn't know she already owned his heart before she even knew him. and she doesn't, he remembers. because he's cruel. unfair. because he never truly told her anything other than the scraps he was willing to throw over his wall. he wants to think that maybe he wasn't built for love, but even though he knows he wasn't ... he does. he loves. he loves her with all his heart, with every fiber of his being and every piece of his brain. with every last bit of his soul; he loved loni valadian. itohan eghide once said that the actuality that the heart does not want to feel doesn't negate the certitude that it once felt and will still feel. the second he read that quote he hated it for its truth.

now that he thinks about it, perhaps he's been too self-indulgent, too selfish in the entire ordeal of this; and now he alone carries the guilt of two heavy hearts bared to destinies cruel wits. mien relaxes, shock making way for a raw sort of sadness that he should not be able to convey. he is breaking his system; or rather, loni is. but it is not the kind of breaking that will cause him to short circuit, rather it is a sort of brokenness that will allow him a little more freedom in his humanity, maybe. if he is lucky. and if he isn't ... well, it was nice for a few seconds he'd say. he looks at loni, looks at the furrowed brows, the serious expression on her face; the faintest twitch of her mouth that betrays that she wants to grab him by the collar and shake him for not saying anything else and letting her words dangle in the air - for allowing himself to get hurt, badly, without giving her a chance to say these words to him.

she's yelled at him for that before, right when he woke up. he assumes it's because she knows that unlike normal people he does not need time to readjust after waking up when his wounds have been tended to, simply because his body cannot feel the exhaustion and fatigue humans or humanoid-aligning creatures can. he lets out a dry, low huff at that, gives a bitter smile at the ground. he's feared that, for a while. he'd hoped that loni would be like him; a coward in their own right. but she isn't, never has been and he regrets underestimating her like that. she shouldn't be so intimidating to him in this moment, she was the one with her heart on her sleeve, she was the one baring it to him not the other way around. and yet, he falls backwards, lands his ass on the couch and puts his head in his hands, body racking as if he's sobbing violently. and maybe, just maybe, if his body could it would be doing just that. but it can't.

❛  don't do that. don't love me. don't give me your heart for me to waste it. ❜

his voice is breaking, cracking at the edges to reveal the sharp vulnerability that has cut him all these years. reveals the rawness that he's hid behind the lie of being incapable of processing such deep emotions. if he wasn't himself maybe he'd be happy. ecstatic even. he remembers a time where he would have jumped in joy to find out his emotions were reciprocated. but those times were over, at least in the outwardly joyousness. that person died when he thought of trying to help make the world safer against people like him. when he thought the one good deed he could do was destroy the very group that wanted to send him after the she-wolf.

he doesn't need to look up to know she probably feels just as helpless as him. it had to be said, had to be outed. if he stops denying it then he knows that much, but he would've hoped it never had to happen. emotions as soft as this deserved tenderness, to be treated like the fragile things they were; not to be thrown into two lives full of darkness and violence. he shakes his head, again, again and again before he gives up. looks up at loni with utter defeat in his eyes. his voice is hoarse, the faint traces of static buried underneath the pure agony in his voice. no, he's destroyed himself with this love. he refuses to pull her into the self - inflicted destruction too.

❛  don't love me. it will kill you the way it killed me to love you. ❜

[tartagla-archived]

retiring from the hearth's festivities early, arlecchino had made it most of the way to her office before smelling a familiar, metallic odor. blood. the reds of her eyes glinted as they widened. now on high alert, the knave moved quickly down the hall of the east wing. the scent took her to her original destination, a smear of blood on the floorboards serving as proof. slowly, heavy wooden doors creaked opened to the sight of ajax keeled over in the corner of the room.

the door shut behind her immediately. arlecchino quickly joined the other harbinger, knelt before him to look at the damages.

" you're back ... ajax, when did you get back? " perhaps there was the slightest bit of concern behind her stern tone.

when ajax stepped through the hearths door , they could hear nothing but silence . it both terrified and relieved them at the same time . on one hand, what did that silence mean? was everyone alright, did everyone get out safe - what had happened while they had been stuck away in the abyss fighting for their life … on the other , they’re unsure on how they would respond if someone saw them like this . they didn’t want to scare the children , they didn’t want to lash out in fear of being touched … maybe it was best they were alone .

ㅤㅤthey step forward , once , twice  .. before their hand shoots out to grab onto the nearby wall . the east wing isn’t far from the entrance , if they make it there  -  make it to arlecchino’s office ,, they would be alright . they could wait there and hope that she would arrive home soon … hopefully before they gave into the want to pass out from blood loss and pain .

ㅤㅤyou have this  ,  they think as they brace themself - forcing their legs to move forward . their hand stays against the wall for balance  …  leaving behind smears of blood in their wake . everything hurts … they’ve never had to stay in that form as long as they did , never before had they gotten to a point where their own delusion began to backfire against them . they could still remember as it began to break apart piece by piece , the memory causes them to stop in place ,, free hand rushing to cover their mouth as they felt bile rise to the back of their throat .

ㅤㅤthey felt pathetic .

ㅤㅤweapons are not meant to cry  ,  and yet that’s all they want to do . they want to scream until their voice breaks in hopes that someone, anyone would hear them . what would anyone think of that ? ajax who always smiled with confidence , held their head high .. brought to tears over something that should have never happened in the first place . 

ㅤㅤmove  ,  keep moving  .  ajax thinks to themself as they start to walk again . it takes another thirty steps to reach the end of the hall before they’re turning to the east wing . another twenty and they come face to face with two wooden doors . it takes all their strength to push them open , stumbling forward and hitting the ground as they door . they whine at the pain , struggling to lift themself up against their arms . legs kick out , pushing the doors closed behind them .

ㅤㅤthey don’t dare stand again - instead they drag themself to a nearby corner , pillows and blankets left behind from prior nights where they didn’t want to be alone and they finally allow their self to fall . they curl up into a ball , attempting to make them self smaller . part of them wants to scream , they want to cry and finally allow them self to grieve the freedom they lost  …  but at the same time they don’t have the energy to put into it .. instead they let their eyes slip shut and give into the darkness once again .

ㅤㅤand that’s where she finds them  ,  hours later . 

ㅤㅤthe door opening is what shocks them awake  …  eyes growing wide .  they attempt to push their self to sit , ready to defend but it only ends with them crying out in pain at the movement . fear begins to push at their mind , breathing speeding up - eyes attempting to latch onto whatever … whoever had stepped into the room .

ㅤㅤ"  you're back  ...  ajax,  when did you get back?  " 

ㅤㅤoh .. oh .  they stall in their movements , blinking back tears  ❛❛  arles ..?  ❜❜  they hate the sound of their voice , hoarse from little to no use . seeing her makes them realize things must have turned out alright , everyone must be safe , and that little knowledge is what finally gets them to break . they’re moving before they can stop themself , throwing their self forward - arms wrapping around her in a hug , or as close to one as they can manage . 

❛❛  few  .. few hours , ago . i think .. ?  ❜❜  ㅤㅤtruthfully they’re not sure , everything had been a blur . attempting to make their way back to the hearth from the outskirts of fontaine without being seen had been difficult . it all blurred together , ❛❛   it … it was still light out when i got back though .. i know that much .❜❜

he grows silent again , with her here he can finally allow his mind to catch up to everything that’s happened . the pain from use of his delusion and foul legacy form for so long , the leftover exhaustion of being awake for so long without any break at all . the worry and fear of not knowing if he was going to return to his family still being there , or to everything being destroyed ..

ㅤㅤhe whines  ,  low in the back of his throat before letting out a loud sob . hands grab onto her jacket tugging at it . nails digging into the fabric in hopes that it would help ground him .. ㅤㅤ❛❛   it hurt … it hurt so much  - i was so scared . the prison … soon as i got there something was calling to me and i wanted to ignore it but i couldn’t , and .. and  - archons i thought i was going to die in there .. when i saw it again , when i realized what was happening … i didn’t want to die arles .. i wasn’t ready .. ❜❜

ㅤㅤhe still wasn’t ready .. but now he can hear the faint laughter of his family , he knows he’s safe . he can feel that haze begin to creep up at the corners of his eyes again . he fought it back early but now, he allows himself to give in.  ❛❛   i was … so afraid , i wasn’t going to make it back  -  or that i would and you would all be .. but you’re okay , everyone is right … ?  ❜❜   ㅤㅤhis voice grows quieter, allowing himself to slip more and more into the fog at the back of his mind. he exhales slowly letting his body go limp against her . he knows he’ll be taken care of , that when he finally wakes up again he wont be alone this time , and that’s the final thing needed for his brain to shut down allowing his body and mind the rest they’ve needed for weeks .

[dashiellqvverty]

this got away from me so it’s going under a cut but lately i’ve been thinking about how i wish black sails like. discussed colonial violence (and the hypocrisy surrounding it) in a more specific way.

because idk everytime flint and everyone talks about “england paints us as monsters etc etc” especially in the first seasons i find myself thinking... yes his points hold about like society needing someone to vilify, how he and other pirates were not allowed to exist in society due to perceived transgressions long before they became pirates, how what was done to thomas was violence in its own right... but also i feel like it sometimes carries the connotation of like “theyve turned us into monsters for nothing” even though we are SHOWN the brutality committed by many of the pirates. we see what they do to max, we see what characters like ned low do.

but of course the root of the hypocrisy and cruelty of england’s crusade against them is that england has done all of that and worse in the name of the crown. and for all they dance around this, with white pirates talking about how civilization is a prison and colonial rule keeps them in chains and blah blah blah but no one ever talks about colonial violence and the hypocrisy of it. bc without context, without it being characters we know and sympathize with, there is something dissonant about the pirates saying it is unjust to punish them for the things that they do. and it would be so, so easy to just say “look at england, doing the same things and acting like their hands are clean” but no one quite takes it to the finish line. sure miranda says that what ashe did to her, james, and thomas is crueler than anything they have done, and maybe thats true, but they only ever want to talk about the quiet violence that exists within polite society.

all the while we see a world that runs on slave labor, we eventually see storylines from the perspectives of enslaved characters to a certain degree, but never once do any of the pirates treat the violence of slavery and colonization as part of the case against england, or compare (or i guess contrast) it to their own actions in a way that i feel should be so, so obvious. i think the closest we get is max’s monolgoue about being a child and looking into the plantation house and ugliness being necessary for the beautiful parts of society to exist, or madi’s speech to rogers about how nothing could convince her to give up her war because of what colonial powers have done to her people but i just. feel like ultimately there is a larger connection missing (and of course it’s only the black characters who generally make these points at all). and maybe i look like the idiot here and actually its obvious and the whole point is that we’re supposed to make that connection in our minds. but i think that considering the amount of intense, profound, in-depth, and specific conversations that happen on the show, it feels very odd that this particular connection is never directly drawn.

[skrunksthatwunk]

mannnn ok i've been waiting for the yyh fixation cycle to put me back on (!!!!!!!) rather than (thing i am so normal about but it's dormant) and it's taken a little longer than i expected and i was worried it was going away but i am happy to announce that WE ARE SO BACK BABYYY

[milkbreadtoast]

I WATCHED NIMONA!!! As someone who read the original nimona webcomic when it was updating (roughly a decade ago??) and was rly impacted by it, I was so excited to watch the film and... they did a really good job!!! it was so beautiful i cried omg... it's def worth a watch!! (long ramble under the cut BWAHA spoiler warning)

...and it was rly completely diff from the original comic but im not complaining?? like its a v loose movie adaptation and the plot/setup was v diff but still v well done... like the comic and movie r both good in their own right... & i laughed and cried a lot... i was surprised at the extent of some of the changes but the emotional parts hit hard(my eyes r swollen from crying) and it was written v well... and visually it's just gorgeous... my jaw kept dropping at the beautiful lighting, and they brought the futuristic medieval setting to life so well i could cry😭

it's funny bc one of the main things i was afraid of was them changing nimona's backstory from the comic, bc even after a decade that's one of the things that stuck w me the most... i love nimona as a chara sm... I was so worried abt them changing it and... they ended up changing it completely... but it was actually really good?! like i cried so hard, it was well done... so I'm glad I didn't have to worry after all jdjfjd🥺 like they Did change it but both ver r good in their own right...

I understand that they had to rewrite the plot completely to fit within the time length of a single movie while still being a contained story, as is always the case w movie adaptations of books, graphic novels, etc which r much longer... Series have a chance to follow the source more closely but that just isnt the case w movies... and as far as movie adaptations go they did an amazing job!! I can rly appreciate both the comic and the movie as their own thing... and I rly liked some parts that were added to the movie, like ballister(blackheart)'s backstory in the beginning, and the addition of gloreth (and her relationship w nimona) was surprisingly compelling... And I really really love that they made Ballister and Goldenloin canon POC 😭😭😭 like that made me so happy!!!❤️‍🔥 When i first saw the casting of riz ahmed and eugene lee i was sooo happy, i was like YAYY IDC IF THEY LOOK WHITE IM GONNA HC THEM AS POC🥰 but the fact that i dont even have to hc bc its canon now... 🥹 SOUTH ASIAN/EAST ASIAN KINGS🛐... and they also didn't hold back with showing them openly as a gay couple... Even tho their dynamic changed a lot from the comic I rly appreciate that...

And there were things that I did miss from the webcomic, like the original setup with goldenloin and blackheart as staged nemesis, them being exes (and some time having passed since their graduation, so they're older, unlike in the movie when it just happened), etc. but the whole setup and plot and everything I completely understand why they had to change it to make it work/fit as a movie, so I get it... so not complaining there tbh bc they did what they had to do... But tbh... TBH... my one(1) complaint(/lh) w the movie... IS I REALLY MISS GOLDENLOIN'S BEAUTIFUL LONG HAIR😭😭😭💔 He would've looked so pretty with long golden locks in the movie artstyle, esp w the gorgeous lighting... glowing gold and flowing in the wind... And I think it would've fit perfectly well with the movie ver of his chara/lore too?? like the new lore of him being a descendant of Gloreth... I could imagine him growing out his hair and bleaching it blonde to fit the image/pressure of being a descendant of gloreth, and to look more flashy and heroic to the public (They did tone down his vanity a lot but im sure he still retains some of it... like he still has that pretty popular celebrity image)... And him having long hair doesnt contradict with him being asian too or the modern setting... modern asian men can and do have pretty long hair😭 Like he couldve still been Asian, just w long blonde hair... It doesn't contradict w his new personality either... And I wish they kept the golden color bc the white/silver makes him look less like a "goldenloin"... (i also love black/gold color combos personally lol)... And i just aldjskd can u imagine movie Ballister stroking Ambrosious's long hair affectionately... pls🥲 WE COULD'VE HAD IT ALL... canon asian madeleine cookie qkjdksdj... I also do miss his original stupid vain arrogant himbo personality from the comic, but I understand why they changed it (for one, charas like that might start out obnoxious but then slowly develop and gain depth over the course of the story, but in a movie's short length, there's less time to slowly grow on ppl so it'd be easier to make them more likeable from the start... so like i get it.) but I think it would've been perfect if they just kept his long hair even w his new personality😭😭 LIKE IT WOULDVE BEEN 100000% PERFECT THEN!!! So that's literally my one lighthearted complaint/dissatisfaction w the movie LMFAO... I'd be happy if ppl draw fanart of movie ambrosious w long hair... TTwTT i miss it sm DKDJZ /end rant OVERALL I HAD A GOOD time ^^ LMFAO

[ripjulie-gone]

Okay so I really, really didn't want to have to make this post and it took me… a lot to get to this point and i thought about it last night whether or not it would even do any good but in the end… well. i need to stop letting people walk all over me and drag me through the mud after everything i've done for them.

now, this post isn't meant as a callout or to have anyone "choose sides" or any of that childish stuff. it's just me being able to defend myself from the shit being said about me. i don't care who anyone is friends with or writes with. that's not my business nor is it my prerogative to dictate that kind of stuff. both can exist peacefully.

and yes, i will be naming who it is that is causing shit, because for once she needs to be held responsible and accountable for her actions.

so i've been dealing with some shit the past couple months and i guess it finally came to a head?? i don't know who has seen abi's ( wiredsmile + about a dozen other blogs ) post yesterday about me basically casting her aside and using her just when i need her. well all of that is bullshit.

now, i do have receipts for everything i'm going to be saying but because the point of this is NOT a callout, if you want to see them i am more than happy to send them to you privately.

i'm also prepared to lose a lot ( more ) people because of this, but i needed to at least try and defend myself. to show that i'm not some heartless person like i'm being made out to be.

there's a reason i severed the friendship between us. on three separate occasions she had betrayed my trust and tried to start shit amongst our shared friend group. she has actively tried to turn people against me ( and still is apparently ). she's also lied about what i've said and did on numerous occasions.

i have never cast her aside, but when she broke my trust not once… not twice.. but three times, it grew harder and harder to stay as close to her as i once was. i tried to let it slide, i did. because she was one of my best friends, but it kept happening and then i kept being made to feel bad because I was the one being distant and making her feel bad.

when she should have felt bad.

i had approached her about this behavior after every time it happened. and i thought maybe my boundaries would finally be acknowleged but alas.. it would happen again.

but what really sealed the deal was the fact that we were in a group verse together where is where i made my oc ( bandit ) and we shipped together and it was fine. well the group kind of dissolved and other ones rose. well, i decided to branch out my oc and explore some ships with him and she got mad at me because i wasn't shipping with her with this one character in this one verse ( we were shipping outside of that, it was just this one verse ), and then decided to talk shit behind my back to people and try and steal my friends just so she could flaunt them in front of me.

it got worse when things shifted to another verse. i was made to feel guilty about who i wrote with, who i shipped with, and who i was friends with.

we lost most contact when she started something horrible between me and a couple friends of mine and i came to her privately about it and she gave me a cookie cutter apology ( she also sent the same one, verbatim to one of the other ones she lied about ), but i was on vacation at the time and could not reply to it fast enough. by the time i did, i was unfriended on discord and blocked across tumblr and that's when she went on her run of playing the victim about how she was cast to the side and treated so badly.

she got someone else, evie ( who had also been a friend of mine ) to make a julie blog ( deadlysmile ) and all but lifted my blog for it, including the url and started saying how horrible she was being treated.

when i tried talking to her about it, because it bothered me because i have worked hard on julie and i had done a lot to build a world with both my julie and her suzie. she blocked me and again, tried to play the victim and dragged the friend in as well who called me names on a vague post.

so that brings us to the now.

now she's saying i treated her horribly and i used her and none of that is true. she was one of my best friends and i loved her. i supported her however i could. emotionally.. financially. whatever she needed i did my very best to help. i never cast her aside or suzie or any of her muses. i never used her just for my own enjoyment. i never did any of that. i was the best friend i could be until she stabbed me in the back and even then i gracefully bowed out. i never said anything bad about her, i didn't drag her name. i didn't do any of that. i simply cut ties with her because that was what i needed for my own mental health.

i try and be good to everyone around me. i try to be the best friend i can be. and it upsets me and breaks my heart to see myself get dragged and lied about for things i never even did.

so if you made it this far, thank you. i love you all.

[aeide-thea]

very much an off-the-cuff post so there may well be bugs, i'm still workshopping my thinking here, but—

i seem to see posts fairly regularly in which a member of some marginalized group A is objecting to attempts by less marginalized group B to make connections between discrimination against A and harm experienced by B (the main thing i have in mind here is when people attempt to align themselves with visibly-trans people by pointing out the ways that transphobic legislation also impacts gnc cis people, theatrical crossdressing, &c, but there are definitely also examples along other axes)—

and like. the main objection i've seen from A is 'why do they have to connect my experience to their experience in order to care about it? why can't they just agree that i shouldn't be discriminated against as a matter of, like, compassion for fellow humanity?'

and this reaction does honestly always just seem a little, idk, naive to me?? like, i don't know, it's gotten very popular ime to complain about normies' clumsy attempts to Understand Instead of Just Accepting [this feels potentially linked to like. the way many of us now prefer silently clicking 'like' to producing our own original, maybe clumsy, responses? but don't @ me on that point], probably because a lot of the time they aren't genuinely seeking to Understand but just to point out all the ways our queerness &c doesn't fit their received (unexaminedly conservative) understanding of the world, which feels to us (very reasonably!) like renewed pressure from the establishment to make ourselves fit that established framework, and so we resist… but at the same time, idk, maybe i'm just outing myself as lesser-than-thou here, but for every sort of person i was raised to distrust and have since arrived at genuine loving acceptance/appreciation of, it's involved first coming to understand their frame of reference at least a little? not to say that there isn't a place for shutting up and listening while you're still working to understand, because there definitely is! but i do kind of think this idea that's become popular in certain liberal circles of like, 'you don't have to understand my experience, you just have to respect it,' is fine and true for keeping peace with strangers, but really isn't a recipe for winning friends or influencing people—it's a recipe for keeping people at arm's length where they can't hit you. and then people turn around and want to apply that rule to coalition-building, and get all shocked-pikachu-face when others seek to identify more active points of connection.

...

another ~Radical Objection to Liberal Approaches~ i've seen, though often not specifically in this context (of discussing the way attempts to oppress A have knock-on effects for B), is like—'there's no point in deconstructing their logic because it's fundamentally illogical! insert that sartre quote abt anti-semites!' and like. no, there's absolutely no point in debating their logic with them. but fundamentally when people assert a logical resistance to bigoted positions they are not doing it to Own The Bigots, imo, or at any rate shouldn't be; they're (we're) doing it to reaffirm the basis of their/our own camp's position, namely, we see your knee-jerk fears and reject them; we substitute instead a patient allegiance to logic, that reasons its way into compassion.

that said, obviously there's a conversation to be had here about, like, platforming bad positions, and to what extent deconstructing them is implicitly platforming them! but. i do think that complaining that logic won't win over bigots is missing the very fundamental point that the logic isn't for the bigots: it's for us. we're talking to ourselves; we're affirming ourselves. and yeah, we need to understand that this sort of intra-party discussion doesn't, on its own, constitute sufficient activism! messages need to be communicated beyond the bounds of the party! but i do think i disagree that there's no place for it.