#ugh idk ill talk to my mom about it

[mars-ipan]

god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…

[bitchfendi]

if i graduate its over for you motherfuckers

[unripe-lemon]

Since i know no one will see this:

1 note and i will email my therapist

ok so for this one,, like since then i have emailed my therapist?? that counts right????? tbh i dont even know what to talk abt anymore, but i do have a session with her so dw

2 notes and ill put my laundry away

ugh….. stupid. internet.. making me do things that will make my life easier…. gugh yeah i put my laundry away!!!!! everyone clap now

5 notes and ill try to brush my teeth more often

ok so like for this one i found this video https://youtu.be/pvutTiPY7q8?si=PASnBmUXZ0xiHzWM imma sing this song to myself every tike i dont feel like brushing my teeth

6 notes and ill try to put on cream for my dermatitis (anxiety hives!!! yayyy!!!!) more often

just did it hehe :) tho it is getting a little worse and my kitten scratched me on top of it 😭

10 notes and ill attempt to learn my timestables

11 notes and ill study for my exams

my exams are over!!!! so idk what to do for this one? maybe ill go do my homework instead

20 notes and ill try to go one day without using my pc/phone

30 notes and ill vaccum (more bc we just adopted kittens) my room entirely

40 notes and ill try to explain my depression to my mom again

50 notes and ill clean my locker out at school

imma do this tmr!!!

i forgot 😭 someone remind me

80 notes and ill fix the posters that are falling off of my wall and are probably going to rip soon

doing this rn! taking dinner break

100 notes and ill REALLY unpack everything with my therapist

maybe tmr?

we talked about medication and kittens, also exams so like success??

200 notes and ill ask my mom if we can go to my go and get! me! medicated!

ill discuss w therapist tmr

discussed with therapist, we are now getting the conversation started with my mom and are going to see what my gp says after that!! :) ty to everyone in the notes rooting for meds

300 notes and ill re organise my bookshelf

400 notes and ill clean all of the mold off of my wall

damn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ion wannaaaaaaaa

this is a weekend activity tbh, and idk if its even going to BE this weekend :P

500 notes and ill clean the mold off of my roof

600 notes and ill try sewing some new clothes

i crocheted a scarf!!! does that count?

700 notes and ill buy some new shoes

800 notes and ill check out dnd club at school (im scared)

900 notes and ill come up with more goals

edit: bro……. 😭

so im gonna take my time w these bc there is a lot to go thru!! i will try my best to remember to update!!! ty for notes :)

- random internet stranger

edit 2: WTF 1000 NOTES GUYS CHILL

ok so like i have to come up with more goals now???

1500 and ill start taking study notes with a study method (rb with study method that is your fav eg cornell method)

1700 and ill attempt to hype myself up enough to eat at school (long story, germs)

2000 notes and ill start whatever book wins this poll:

[mommahughes19-23]

Hi love!

Could you do an insta edit for Nico and his girlfriend getting a puppy? A labradoodle or something cutesy like that. And then all his teammates begging for him to take the puppy to practice.

P.s. The first time I read you referring to him as Swiss string cheese made me snort so loud hahah.

Also, happy birthday for your daughter!

Puppy Love - N.H

@nicohischier : meet the newest nj devil Schatz Hischier

tagged : @username.yn

username.yn : omg look at our son 🫨🫨

jackhughes : so when's he coming to practice .. best birthday present ever❤️❤️❤️

↪ dawson1417 : @nicohischier @jackhughes NOT ONE TEAM will stand a chance with him in net 🤧🤧🤧🤧

↪ lhughes_06 : y'all I get to hold him first since im the youngest 😍

jesperbratt : PLEASE TELL ME Y.N IS GONNA LET YOU BRING HIM TO THE RINK PLEASE😭😭😭😭😭😭

↪ username.yn : @jesperbratt do you want me to answer this truthfully?🤨🤨

↪ nicohischier : @jesperbratt I have been begging and she won't budge🥵

tmeier96 : its ok guys lemme talk to y.n Ill have him in full gear by tomorrow 🤑🤑🤑

↪ username.yn : @tmeier96 touch my son without permission and you may not be able to participate next season😤😤

ninahischier : Ach du lieber Gott!! Ich bin eine Tante? Ich werde weinen, Mama und ich buchen gerade einen Flug zu euch! 🤩😭 (oh my god!! I'm an aunty? I'm going to cry, mom and I are booking a flight to come see you guys right now!)

↪ tmeier96 : Du bist ein bisschen dramatisch, findest du nicht? @ninahischier🤡 (you're a bit dramatic don't you think?)

↪ ninahischier : Verpiss dich🖕🏻🖕🏻 (fuck off)

tofff73 : BRO YOU HAVE TO BRING HIM BY THE RINK WHEN YOUR BACK FROM CZECHIA

John.marino97 : BRING HIM BRING HIM BRING HIM BRING HIM

pally_18 : YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lil Schatz welcome

ehaula : @nicohischier so when am I babysitting

bssmith : 🐶🐶🐶🐶

A.N (ITS LONG SORRY BUT READ): OK THIS. (need I say more) LIKE THIS SEXY SWISS STRING CHEESE WITH NOT LEAVE MY BRAIN OMG. I HOPE HIS CHEEK IS OK TOO. anywhooo its a little short and not that exciting but its currently 10:30pm and im going to go to bed to dream of all my hockey husbands but I wanted to get this out asap.

TELL ME NICO DOESNT JUST SCREAMMMMMM SWISS CHEESE TO YOU UGH. alsooooooooooooooooo I feel like his sister speaks English I just think that she would also comment in German to her brother and idk makes it spicy.

I mightttt re-work some of it (as I say about every post I do..) I dont know yet how I feel about it hehe

ALSO JASMINE (MY DAUGHTER) SAYS THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH ! she can't wait to go to daycare on Tuesday and tell everyone that another internet bestie wished her happy birthday!!!

I hope you like it babes <3

xoxoxoxoxox, M

Tags : @lukey-pookie-hughes43 and @skylershines

[madebyteenagefury]

What do you think about Trina in Falsettos??

what do i think about trina in falsettos??? i wwould do anything for her. but also i think if i ever talked to her i might break down sobbing.

ive mentioned it in ramblings before but trina marvin and jason are like a carbon copy of my family. besides the whole, my fathers a homo part and the whole trina marrying marvins psychiatrist part. their dynamics and everything are pretty much the same as my own parents. i was jasons age when they divorced. only difference is (besides the two mentioned) marvin and trina coexist more civilly than we do.

idk why i felt the need to mention that, i think its important like, background to my feelings about her(and the family in general). Shes amazing first and foremost, everyone always talks about marvin and the work he has to do to improve himself, but trina and what she mustve gone through to forgive him? after everything, its incredible. she cares a lot about her family and marvin is apart of it. and she accepts whizzer too i think, ("he shared my life") by the end of it and thats even more amazing to me. i think she deserves a break. i think she deserves the world. i worry (/lh more like just think) about what happens after whizzers death, how marvin cant be there emotoinally for jason and trina and mendel have to take that responsibility. i see my mother in her, a woman who wanted to be free of her ex and live her life but is still chained to him ("ill fight the gods, ill fight my ex") but augh shes so spunky and joyful despite everything!!! year of the child is probably one of if not my absolute favorite song from the soundtrack because its marvin and trina (+mendel charlotte and cordelia) fawning over jason and just being glad and excited that hes growing up and being his parents. the performance especially, because even though theyre techincally fighting at the beginning of the song, they still hug and laugh throughout it. they banter, and its beautiful. i think shes such a strong and resiliant woman, putting up with what she did, coming out the other side only to immediately find more pain. i wouldve liked more insight to her and mendel and jasons relationship. mostly her and jason. but i think there are lots of implications and inferences to be made, and its nice that some things are still up for interpretation.

I have yet to relisten/or even watch in trousers, but i have listened once all the way through, and re-read the lyrics through. trina in trousers,,, god i love her. like. ugh in trousers makes me so sick, marvin and trina and whizzer. mostly marvin and trina. trinas not dumb she knows. especially with love is blind, all the examples she gave and in im breaking down "i used to cry, hed make a scene" she totally knew! and still she even begged him to stay. she tried she really wanted it to work. but ofc it couldnt and im so glad she got to live a life away from him, and find some happiness. that she knows what love is. (oh also, the like. suspected suicide attempt??? bbyg dont worry ill kms for you-. everything about her makes me so so ill because she reminds me so much of my mom.) she tries so hard, with an uncooperative ex and an uncooperative (ish) child, and godbless. i just adore her and want the best things for her. shes such an incredible woman.

anyway thanks for asking! :]

[melanatedeuph0ria]

my initial thoughts on the bear s3 (having only gotten to ep 5)

im not even mad ab the whole sydcarmy breakdown in s3 rn I’m just like disappointed because what the fuck man

I’m only on ep 5 and I’m not gonna lie to y’all if this was as good and actually interesting as season 2 I’d be eating it up and binging that shit as much as I did last year. Well now I rlly can’t because I just HAD to rewatch the show w my parents so now that means I have to wait until they’re in the mood to watch it to watch it with them so I don’t feel like I’m betraying them for watching episodes on my own (mostly my mom tbh) but like ts is NOT speaking to me man

like I NEVER use “man” at the end of my sentences like that only when I’m actually exasperated and fucking tired of the shit something or somebody is pulling

Like FROM WHAT IVE SEEN this season has only showed me that like OKAY I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE FAKS IM JUST SEEING THEM WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH LIKE…WHY IS JOHN CENA HERE STOP TRYING TO MAKE SHIT INTERESTING BY INSERTING RANDOM FUCKING CELEBRITIES INTO YO SHIT FIRST OF ALL

SECONDLY I’m pissed with how CARMY IS TREATING MY BEAUTIFUL BLACK QUEEN PRINCESS DUCHESS SYDNEY

Like what happened man 😕

It was legitimately going so so so SO WELL IN SEASON TWO

LIKE I HAD HOPE INDISPUTABLE HOPE ABOUT THEM GETTING TOGETHER

LIKE HUH

but then this WHITE MAN has the nerve to treat her like GARBAGE

FIRST FROM GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH RICHIE FOR NO FUCKING REASON CAUSING RICHIE TO FALL OVER AND SPILL ALL OF THE HARD EXPO ORDER WORK SYDNEY WAS WORKING ON

LIKE I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE BYE RESTAURANT WITH NO FUCKING SIGN ON THE FRONT LIKE WHO DO YALL THINK YALL AREEE

ALSO I FIND IT DISRESPECTFUL AS HELL

DISRESPECTFUL THAT THIS NIGGA IS ASKING HER “WHAT DO I DO WITH CLAIRE???” LIKE LMAO WHY NOBODY GIVE A FUCK

I THINK IM MOVING TO THE SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT THAT SYDNEY DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS MAN

AND I WIULDVE THOUGHT HE WOULDVE BEEN AT LEAST A LITTLE, MAYBE A LITTLE MORE GENTLRR WITH HER DURING COOKING TOME OR WHAGEVER TF BUT HE STILL JUST AS GORDON RAMSAY-ISH WITH HER LIKE WITH ANYONE

WTF DID WE DO STORER

LIKE WHY R U BEING A BITCH ABOUT SYDCARMY SHIPPERS LIKE U JUST PUT A BIG ASS HOLE IN THEIR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP

LIKE OKAY THEY DONT HAVE TO GET TOGEHRHER WHATEVER IF THEY DONT ILL STILL BE PISSED BUT WHATEVER

BUT I FEEL LIKE

UGH IDK

I CAME TO SEE A LIL ROMANCE THE NITTY GRITTY. LIKE EW HOW THE HELL ARE YALL GOING TO BE SHOWING CLAIRE AND CARMY KISSING IN THE DARK LIKE I DONT CARE WHAT TYPE OF WORK SHE DOES I DONT GAF AB WHAT SHE DO FOR WORK LIKE I APPRECIATE HER BEING A NICE PERSON TO THESE KIDS AND STUFF BUT CMON

CARMY AINT CALL HER NOT ONCE THIS WHOLE TIME IVE BEEN WATCHING

RICHIE IS THE ONLY ONE IM FR INTERESTED IN MARCUS TOO BECAUSE HE TRYNA DO SOME EXPERIMENTAL SHIT OUTSIDE OF THIS STRSSSFUL ASS ENVIRONMENT

AND SINCE WHEN DID THEY STILL OPERATE THE BEEF?!? I THOUGHT THEY CLOSED THAT SINCE WHRN IS A BRANCH OF THAT STILL OPERATING AND WHY IS ONLY EBRA IN CHARGE?!?

I THOUGHT THEY BUILT OVER THE RESTAURANT AND TURNED IT INTO WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS NOW I MIGHTA MISSED A PLOT POINT BUT I DONT REMEMBER THAT EVEN BEING SAID

ALSO WHI IS THAT MAN WHO WALTZED INTO THE BEAR REASTUARSNT AND WAS TALKING W CARMY AS HE WAS CUTTING SOME SHIT AND WHO ALSO WAS AT THE WINDOW OF THE BEEF LIKE WHO ARE YOU HO LIKE R U A FAK OR WHAT BITCH

CARMY IS JUST TOO SAME OLD SAME OLD FOR ME LIKE CAN WE PLEASE CHANGE FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES

LIKE I UNDERSTAND RICHIE ON THE FIRST EP LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO U MEAN UR SORRY WHEN U LITERALLY CALLED ME A LEECH FOR WANTING TO BE INCLUDED IN THIS FAMILY BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE ONE TO RLLY CALL HIS OWN?!?!? LIKE CARMY CAN YOU CHILL OUT THIS MAN ACTUALLY LOVES YOU NO PAWSE

from what I’ve watched already its okay NOT TO SAY THE ACTORS ARE BECAUSE THE ACTORS DID AN INCREDIBLE PERFOMANCE AS USUAL LIKE THEIR SKILLS ARE STILL GREAT BUT I DONT LIKE WHAT THEY HAVE YALL DOIN WITH THAT AND ITS PISSING ME AWFF DONT PMOOOOO

ALSO IS IT JUST ME OR DO I FEEL LIKE THE BLACK CHARACTERS ARENT GETTING SHIT THIS SEASON

LIKE MARCUS AND TINA..OKAY OKAY THEY GOT THEY LIL EPISODES

BUT WHAT AB NOW IN THE PRESENT

I THINK WHO IM MAINLY TALKING AB IS SYD, EBRA, AND GARY I DAMN NEAR FORGOT HIS NAME BECAUSE WE NEVER EVER EVERRRR SEE HIM. EVER.

LIKE I ACTUALLY LIKE HIS CHARACTER I WANT TO SEE MORE OF HIM HE SEEMS COOL

okay main points:

* syd deserves better

* syd needs to stop being a lil mean to her dad idk I might be soft but like (it HAD to be said cs why r u being so rude to him for having genuine concerns about this murky ass apartment u finna dig into yo pockets to pay for?? ALSO this sussy ass partnership w this man liiiiiioke…)

* they seemed to care more ab carmys failing and anticlimactic relationship with claire than marcus’s late mother (ALSO I couldn’t help but notice SYDNEY was the only one, THE ONLY ONE who came to support this man as they were cleaning his mom’s hospice equipment out of his house…LIKE YALL HAVE NOTHING TO DO COME HELP??? like okay they came to his funeral which I appreciate y’know but still that part irks me)

* ts feels like filler at its finest somebody already said that but I felt like it had to be restated, like if CLAIRE YO

* IF CLAIRE IS THE MAIN DAMN PLOT POINT FOR THIS NIGGA CARMY RN AND IS THE ONE DRIVING HIM TO DO ALL THIS CRAZY NONNEGOTIABLE SHIT TO GET HIS MIND OFF OF IT IM DONE

* okay I’m done thank y’all for listening

* also I’m writing this on my notes app so I just copied it over

*ok bye y’all ty for listening !!! :3

UPDATE: I just read a few posts on here giving different perspectives and now I feel like I might’ve missed some stuff 😭

like maybe this is just setting it up to LOOK LIKE syd and carmy aren’t ever happening just to make season 4 and have them

idk how to even end that sentence

[queenlua]

30's meme: 1, 11, 45, 52?

1. What was the first piece of furniture you bought?

my *very* first piece of furniture was a futon whose cost i split with three other roommates, freshman year of college. i napped/lounged/homeworked on that futon probably more than anyone else all four years of undergrad, lmao. we got it from a habitat from humanity sale and it was CLUTCH

my first non-cheapo/non-ikea furniture would be the wooden dinner table i split with my husband when we moved in together. it's SO pretty and nice and i love it so much... and he DEFINITELY had to talk me into it because i have no sense of ~*~interior decoration aesthetics~*~ and was like "do we really need this idk it seems too fancy...." (he was 100% correct and, come to think of it, is responsible for pretty much all our furniture. it's ok, i contribute all the stuffed animals, i'm helping)

11. What’s something you saved up for and then regretted buying?

for years all my skibrah buddies were like "bro you gotta get an Epic Pass it's the only way to ski bro" & one year i FINALLY caved and got an epic pass and... then due to illness/injury i wasn't even able to USE the thing to the fullest, and also, most of the bit of skiing i wound up doing was at a NON-EPIC MOUNTAIN, so. all i got was the warm n fuzzy feeling of "paying lots of money to the evil conglomerate that's slowly jacking up the price of skiing all across the entire world." UGH

45. What’s something you wish you had more time for?

if i had an extra three hours a day i could do job + all my hobbies + get adequate sleep. however i do not have those three hours so more-often-then-not i sleep less than i'd like (and uhhh sometimes i job less than i should, but, don't tell my boss that)

52. Did your relationship with your parents get better when you stopped living with them?

Oh yeah, absolutely. Though I guess there was a little back-n-forth, like...

High school: Relationship with mom was so-so but overall fine

College: Relationship with mom gets much worse. In hindsight, she was definitely working through some Empty Nester Feelings TM and i kinda got the brunt of that, but also, I probably wasn't as nice about it as I could've been haha

First job out of college: Mom's SO much more chill. So chill that, when I end up doing a residency in another city & plot to land a job on the west coast, I'm like "why don't I just move back home for a bit in-between gigs"

Living at home again: BAD idea lmfao. Things are really tense and bad

West coast job: Both mom & I are still a little wounded for a year or two, but stuff's much better from there on out, and nowadays I definitely count mom among my best friends.

(my dad was present through all this but that relationship's always been stable, by the virtue of me being Basically The Same Person As My Dad, lol)

[oc-aita]

AITA for doing the right thing for the wrong reasons? (TIME SENSITIVE)

hi sorry for typos i’m tryping this while having a mental break in my dead friend’s bedroom in the middle of the night while my alive friend is asleep but!! my evil evil dad gave us till february 3rd to settle this so i don’t have much time

none of you will know this cause he’s been real sneaky about it but this year my (M16) dad (M36) took over reality and insterstated his own cringe utopia over it. he brought dead ppl back to life (not my dead friend tho) amd he brainwashed every bad person into being a good person, he abolished the prison system and made gay marriage legal and now the economy’s real good ig??? (idk anything about the economy but ok) everywhere you go there’s happy ppl everywhere and it creeps me out

ugh i’m doing such a crappy job at explaining why this is a bad thing. i SWEAR he’s doing it to spite me cause he knows no one will ever believe me fml

we just found out he literally brainwashed my alive friend (ig i’m calling her that now. F16) into thinking she was my dead friend (her twin sister) so she pretended to be her for a YEAR cause he thought that would make her “happy” i guess?? i’m telling you he’s CRAZY. sorry that word stimatagzes mental illness. i mean he’s seriously bonker balls.

you HAVE to trust me. this man has been living wth me for fifteen years and he doesn’t even know what’s good for ME so how would he know what’s good for the world?

so my friends and i agreed to fight him so everything goes back to normal. and they all made such good points talking abt why this is important to them, cause they want freedom to learn and grow and decide their own futures, and they don’t wanna forget the work they did to get where they are now and obvs i agree w all of that stuff but i feel so stupid cause this is my dad and idk--

he already abandoned my mom and now he’s abandoning me too? he even made my friends’ wishes come true but he didn’t do anything for me. i’m his son but i’m like the only person in the world whose happiness he doesn’t care about. idk what did i ever do to him. i hate him so much dad if you’re reading this i hate you no matter what happens

wow it’s embarrassing. everyone’s got these grand ideological reasons to fight him but all i can think about is how i don’t wanna be the child who has to suffer so everyone else gets to be happy. the only one who’s as pissed as i am is this guy who’s llike our team’s sasuke who is infamous for wanting to kill many dads (M18) and he says we should kill my dad. but obviously i don’t wanna do that. i did all of this so i wouldn’t have to lose family ever again and now i’m feel like i’n abpt to lose him forever. i know things can get better for us but we’ll nevr have the chance if he dies yknow?

anyways i always had such a hard time controlling my emotions and i’m scared i’m letting my emotions get the best of me again cause if i really cared abt this i’d be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right yknow? but i don’t want my dad to die. so maybe i AM being selfish. maybe ppl really ARE happy and i’m just being paranoid and irrational like everyone said i was. maybe we should be putting this up to a vote, idk

please give it to me straight (cause i’m not!!!! LMAO),

AITA?

[bananafire11]

vent

please dont read if youre not in the right space rn. heavy on anger and feels. just wanna type it out somewhere and this blog is my safe space so

i am so fucking angry right now. like the kind of anger thats pent up and bubbles beneath the skin and is ready to implode out at any fucking second and i hate it so much. i dont feel like i have very good reasons for feeling this way either. or maybe im downplaying those reasons, i dunno

i dont want to bother any of my friends with this shit. i feel guilty because ik they have their OWN struggles. ik feeling this way is silly because i help them through so much, and am so glad to do so. but theres always this doubt.

anyway. on discord, i put my status on DNIUC sometimes because i just need space and ik that most of my close friends will see this and know to be careful that day. or if they text and im slow to respond, ik they understand. but theres these friends who KEEP spamming. and its driving me FUCKING MAD. one, who is very close and gosh i love them so much, sends me so much every day. youd think after the first few times i didnt respond, he'd get the fucking jist and think "ill stop there" but instead he KEEPS ON. ITS OVERWHELMING. and the subject of these texts isnt bad or anything, but its always about him and his bf. i dont have the energy to talk about them 24/7. im beyond happy for him, that hes happy. but FUCK. im asexual and never have been in a relationship, and sometimes it feels like a fuckyou to me?? ik he doesnt mean it that way at all!! but!!! idk, sometimes its like theres a longing for a bf of my own. but i dont want to settle. ill wait for the right boy. right now, hes not here. and im not actively looking for a relationship, i have so much shit going on. so, i usually ignore this guys dms as long as i can. i feel guilty, but at the same time fucking furious that i even have to do it in the first place, if that makes sense. i love him dearly, but it's forced me to just put my status on 'invisible' so it looks like im offline. better to avoid people, ig.

theres another guy, who isnt as close, but ive made great friends with thus far in the time ive met him over a game i enjoy. but again, doesnt know when to stop. why are you texting me when it says dniuc!!! YOU ARENT CLOSE. ive explained 'close' is friends ive known for a year or so, which isnt exactly true actually... but i needed to tell him something that wouldnt hurt his feelings. after i clarified for the second time, he let up. but still. people are fucking annoying and its so FRUSTRATING that i love them because that makes shit so complicated.

then, family. ive been snowed in with my mom and sister for over a fucking week and I NEED OUT. i never thought id say this but I WANT TO BE AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM HOME. my neighbors, who are more so aunt and uncle to me and my sister, let me go over and stay hours with them when i need it. but i dont feel like trecking thru the fking snow to get there. last night i stayed over and watched a favorite movie of mine with them and it was great, but having the energy to do that feels exhausting tonight.

im trying to distract myself with art, but its not working like it normally does. and its goddamn hard. tried videogames, youtube, but nothing is bringing me true relief. but i dont want to sleep either. ugh.

vent art, anger.

[thiskittysgotclaws13]

does anyone elses bestfriend piss them off so much😭 like she used to be fine but now she has her boyfriend and shes cool or whatever and shes so ugh and its only for you?? like her bf would come in the gc and shes all "omg hi bfs name!!" "haha ur so funny bfs name!!" and then like "this is why nobody likes you youre a smartass" earlier today she told me to repent because jesus was watching??? (im gay and sort of christian its lukewarm ish atm) all she says is like "ok" "bahaha" "lol" "thats so fun" "im so happy for you" and im like wtf did i ever do to you except listen to ur rants about your moms stupid boyfriend guy like it honestly just pisses me off so bad to the point i just wont talk to her for a day or two and then she comes in and sends me videos and is all like drive to my house and see me and be my bff!! and then she makes me feel stupid for the shit i believe in like im pro choice and she was sending me photos of fetuses after an abortion trying to get me to feel bad and shit and change my beliefs?? or like even who i want to win the election?? she honestly just pisses me off to no end and its so frusterating seeing her being all nice with our other friends in the group and she plays it off as im being a dick?? idk maybe i am but grrr like if she would nicely correct me we wouldnt have a problem but she just gets all mean and acts like her way is the only way. like example i went up to my great grandmothers to look around the house since my dad is remodeling and were going to move and she told me "is that actually going to be your house" so i said "no its not" i already told her 5 times before this??? i remember this shit about her and she cant even remember if im moving goddamn houses. ugghhhhgtthrhdhdh pisses me off so bad i want to throw myself off of very tall somethings. sorry for the vent mutuals i have nobody to actually talk to since im kinda closeted and i dont have therapy until tuesday ill be back to my regular gay shit soon🥰

[galaxywarp]

holy shit im so sorry about your mom, thats terrifying :((( sending good vibes man, you’ll be in my thoughts

She’ll probably be okay — she has a chronic illness that flares up from time to time so like it’s nothing we haven’t been through before but it varies a lot in levels of how severe her episodes are, so it’s…. Hard sometimes to know how worried to be? If that makes sense? So far though it seems relatively okay and I got to talk to her earlier and she was alright…she has to stay the night though. But hopefully it clears up….ugh idk

[petruchio]

I am SO fucking lonely I'm in my early 20s and I swear I've never felt more alone. it sucks bc I want to travel and move around but I've left behind everyone I grew up with and making new friends is so difficult!!!!! and all the people around me that I'm kind of friends with are coworkers so it's just not the same. thank u for also talking about it, it feels better to know I'm not the only one.

yep i feel that!! my best friend rn is my coworker and she’s great honestly so im honestly a big fan of making friends through work but it’s true it’s tough to make friends not through work as an adult. like im going on a trip this summer but im literally going with my mom bc i just don’t travel w friends like that (and i haven’t since 2019 when i was in college and studying abroad.) idk the tough part is just that like my main college friends all kind of scattered and even then most of them weren’t friends with each other like i did a good job collecting random individual friendships but i never really got that good solid group and now i feel like i never will. ugh hopefully someday ill look back and be like aw it was fine but it SUCKS to go through it and at least we’re all not alone in it <3

[weabooweedwitch]

I say this as someone who's followed you for years and with as much kindness as possible:

Get the fuck away from your mother. Ditch her fuckin ass. She's repeatedly making things worse and refuses to learn. You need to get away from her, for your own good.

I know I might be repeating what other people have said, or even what you have thought of doing, but holy shit this bitch is actively ruining your life through sheer stupidity.

I hope things get better

I feel bad that people have to keep giving me this kind of advice because I realize it's the most obvious answer, and there are multiple reasons separating from my mother would be good for us both. I feel bad that i keep sharing all these worrying stories and worrying people and then at the end of the day, I'm way too scared to actually try and fix things. I just worry so much about not being able to take care of myself, not being able to drive, what if I go somewhere and it's harder if not impossible for me to get to work, just. I worry about everything. Honestly the thing that worries me the most is keeping my job or not being able to transfer if I went somewhere else. My wage is currently $19 an hour, my 58 yo mom was making $22, so like, I'm helping hold it all together with rent BECAUSE of that income. I'm so scared of losing that.

I've had people ask if there's any family I can go to and the only possible option would be maybe my father who is in another state, I cannot remember if it is in Illinois or Missouri (ugh, they may have passed recreational weed but thats the only good thing thats came outta thar state in like the last 2 decades). And I don't know if that would be good either. But it's an option I'm beginning to consider. But I am sort of still in the reconnecting process with my dad and we've butted heads a few times and he also has his own physical and emotional issues. Actually I think he is where I inherited a lot of mental illness from because he also has an anxiety disorder and we are almost positive he has equinus like me. He also has developed type 2 diabetes and I am really bad with sugar impulse control, what if I hurt my dad because I can't stop bringing sweets into the house and he eats them too 🥺

It just. Personally makes me hate myself to even think of "hiya pops, we've barely spoken in the last 10 years, I've been really ahitty about talking to you consistently since we've said hi again and lost my temper with you a few times, hey I know you're on a fixed income and out of a job right now (or was, maybe he has one now, we've spoken so little idk) but is it OK if I come live in your house as a whiny codependent barely functioning weed addict of an adult?" 😅

But yeah I just. This is really. It just never ends. I keep fighting myself and beating myself up on "who's right, am I right, am I wrong, am I overreacting, whats going on, what do I do, someone tell me what to do because I'm too stupid to do things right" and it's just. I also still love my mother even if that love is being increasingly mixed with resentment. I worry about her ability to take care of herself because her health is getting worse and, like, I worry about her mentally a lot. Like this tooth infection she has, is because she doesn't have the best dental hygiene, and had fillings and such, and even after needing fillings still takes shit care of her teeth, and was putting off getting like broken teeth and such taken care of, and, they're now having to pull SEVEN of her back teeth. She'll need dentures to eat certain foods now. And I'm not better, I basically stopped brushing my teeth for many years because I literally expected to be dead before they rotted out of my mouth and now I'm scrambling to adopt that routine again, and also like.

Sorry but my mom and a dentist literally lied to me when i was a little girl and said i had several cavities because they thought i would be scared into brushing my teeth and all that did was convince me everything was pointless and needed to give up since it was already damaged, and she refuses to apologize or even acknowledge how that literally helped me develop a complex and felt helpless when SHE LIED TO ME, A CHILD, HER CHILD (and also i think my difficulty keeping routines is a combination just needing to apply myself and having adhd issue because like, I've been pretty good with my skincare at least)

I just. I love her but I hate her. If I'm not careful to keep myself calm I'm going to escalate to the physical level. And to be honest I've had the opinion for many years that, all those times my mom told extremely age inappropriate stories to little tiny baby Miranda about her experiences with assault and domestic violence, even as a kid I would think, "well you like don't listen, you shut people down, you insist youre always right, I want to hit you all the time too, maybe it wasn't them but maybe you got yourself hit by constantly pushing everyone around you to their breaking point" like clearly that's not a healthy thought to have and I. I am kind of convinced at this point that almost every single bad thing that had ever happened to this woman was her own fault in some way shape or form. But you could also say that about me

What's scary is that I can't even think of going anywhere without having savings first and I'm constantly being pushed to my limits to the point I don't HAVE any savings, it's all getting sucked up. I dunno how else I can get out of this pit and I'm just, mentally worn down from any entire life of this. I feel useless and exploited at home and then I go to work and feel useless and exploited at work and by society. Like. Life feels so bleak. My Canadian friend is getting in worse health. I still have a lot of affection for him but he's also uh done and said a few things I really disagree with on personal levels and it, gives me some pause, like. I genuinely am so sad all the time. I need to go back to the psychiatrist to get some medicines again but, I am working and making enough money that after my state insurance expires in October, I'll have to go through my work, and that doesn't 100% cover everything so, j wouldn't be able to afford anything at that point

Just. Ugh. I try to write down my thoughts and listen to music and try to write on my other blog to cheer myself up but I just. What can you do right. What am I good for. What is anyone good for. What is this world itself good for. Our entire species is gonna go extinct with climate change anyways. Why should I keep struggling and suffering like this when it's. Idk. Arguably all for nothing. We'll all be nothing more than just dogs following commands and paying bills until we die

[videostak]

ya theyre leaving at like 10 rn i am not going to that 6am swap meet. fuck my life ugh... like obv gonna be waken in the middle of the night when they get back ._. srsly can they be considerate of my life for fucking once. like knowing that i do this for work and is my only source of money and then to do something like that on a total whim and try to downplay how it will affect my sleep and morning tomorrow is srlsy making me so pissed.. like the amount of effort i and to an extent my sister will go to to be considerate of others just to have her do shit like this is so infuriating. like literally my job for a record store that needs inventory desperately and i cant fucking go cause of my asshole inconsiderate mom. reaaaaallly great. i mean best case scenario i can drive up to the estate sale tahts supposed to be at 8. id have to leave at liiiike idk 6:30. so probably not that too. should try to go to the other 8:00 swap meet too or the yard sale but starting to feel real uncomfortable abt going to the swap meet cause of all the stuff around that. so annoying for me to plan all this out just for her to shit all over it cause she wants an excuse to get drunk and trauma dump to her cousin and make to put her cousin in a super awkward weird position. sucha  genuinely awful person ugh.... i mean idk i should goo tomorrow but like really dont kno if ill be able to get up in time. idk i think ill still push rly hard ill try to get a coffee tomorrow at mcdonalds and stuf but like idk just so fucking annoyed rn like dude this is literally my job right now that A LOT of things are riding on have some fucking respect and learn when ur making things much more difficult for ppl. what annoys me so much is when i told her that i wouldnt be able to go tomorrow if she went out as late as shes planning to she just tried to go supportingly “ok we’re gonna go at 10 and tomorrow u can go wherever u want and dont worry about it :)” while just ignoring what i said. lol. something abt idk if all parents are like this or if most are but like that level of being so in denial abt everything that u just respond to any attempt at talking things out with this very fake positivity vibe is so awful. like she does it so much whenever something comes up thats a problem and its so annoying. she did it thursday too when i wasnt sure if i was gonna be able to go cause of my dads dog and she ignored what we said and cut us off and went dont worry ill handle it all :) even tho it was like not even clear what she would be “handling” cause she just wanted to get us to stop talking abt it.  like not even aware of how my dad lets the dog in without warning and how the cats and the dog need to be watched cause he’ll start playing rough. like idk what to even do when ppl genuinely just do not listen to anything u tell them at all. theres no reason for me to tell her something before hand cause she’ll just do whatever the fuck she originally intended to and then try to “discuss” it or apologize after even if youve already had a what u thought was productive conversation days before abt it. like on the first weekend i drove to the swap meet i had told her before i was gonna let the dogs in the back right i went to let her kno beforehand and she agreed there was no argument no even hint at there being a disagreement so i thought things were good and then when i actually was gonna leave she was like no dont let them out theyll bark its too early and i had to get my sister to get her to agree to let them out. like srlsy sooo annoying same thing happens A LOT when having to schedule things shell be in complete agreeance and then when the time comes to do smthn she will like bring up something out of nowhere that she def knew b4 hand  but was just waiting to bring up last second. like she’ll say we should schedule smthn for the vet on a day and then reveal that the vets actually closed that day when that day actually comes etc. or will lie and say it is. like i need to take the cats to the vet soon cause cassettes worms are still present and dendy needs to get neutered and she said she’d call monday even tho its smthn shes already been lagging on for a long time so im just like waiting to see what excuse she’ll bring up then or if she actually does intend to call. like she could bring up an excuse or just spend the whole day in her room and ignore it when i bring it up. ughhh well i will try to go tomorrow i think. i mean im gonna shave and shower just incase i do. i dont think ill wear shorts tho not rly feeling it atm since i could be nervous if i do go to the yard sale. but willl rly have to see

[faint-frankie]

（ 11-15-2024 ） daily post? idk how often i’ll do this.

tw(s) - none. i just have a panic attack / meltdown lolllz

f; Mikey/Frankie - host

— art ; 9:20AM - 10:30AM ( 2nd period )

i'm so behind in this class 😭 im literally an artist but like i just don't pay attention alot of the time.. im trying to get back on it but idk

next period is urban conservation and i'm going crazy because my boyfriend won't be here today and that period (+ the rest of the day) is whenever i spend time with him.. AND HIS PHONE IS BROKENNNNN I MISS MY HUSBAMMDNDND (hashtag bpd struggles i want my fp)

speaking of husband our 2montths is tmrw!!! yay! im peeing with excitement like a dog cuz like 2months???? YAYYYY cant wait for marriage

uodate im not trying in art class rn. i dont care rn y’all im just gonna draw on my own. EFF ZEN TANGLES IM TOO TIRWDDDDDD DUDE 😒

my mom has no money but i want food frm the vending machinr and she doesnt let me get a job (or my permit.) so im just fucked i guess!

ok rn im lowkkey having a huuuuge fuckin panic attack like okay!!!!!!!!! awsum!!!! ahahahababababbaa. can i be okay is that an option

last night i had a dream about being in a psych ward. i’ve had them in the past, usually like a few time a year? they’re slowly getting more personal and realistic and i’m actually so scared that’s a sign.. cuz i’ve had dreams wiht meaning before that come truw :/

im so anxious im DYING!!!!!! my head hurttss... listening to misfits while crashing out is probs stupid on my end so ill chnage it.... :(

— urban c. ; 10:40AM - 11:50AM ( 3rd period )

ugh i actually camt focus :( ill probably just draw i feel lkke shit. walking frm my last class to this one wore me outtt....... :/ i got so fuckkng scared since my safe person isnt here and i kinda thought so.eone would kill me at any moment but ir hasnt happened yet.

oh thank god he went bcak over the answers.... i had no idea what was going on...

f; Khris & co; Johnnie

— lunch ; 11:50AM - 12:20PM ( approx,, )

i'm sitting at lunch with our friend rn! she's like on the phone rn,,, so i'm fucking around on my computer until next period i guesss. i think our bf is hopefully getting his phoen fixed??? god i hope so .. im stalking his location like a freak but tbh frankie showed me it because he stalks him alot... WITH HIS CONSENNTNTT

our friend rly likes andy biersack so she told me abt his tattoos... i sadly know like nothing abt black veil brides but i think its coooll

some kid is shouting abt cishet white men,,, errr like ok i get the hate but cmon. i'm not really eating at lunch im just hangin hereee

someone is talking loudly about their alters, idk how to feel abt that.

i did one assignment in the middle of lunch, its so fucking hot out im dying....FUCKKK IT WAS LIKE 37 THIS MORNNINGNGN

— asian studies ; 112:30PM - 1:45M ( 4th )

i got to class late... by like 1 min tho so its chill. i talked to my friend abt some weird shit which was interesting? im exhausted kinda. im hot but cant take off my hoodie cuz my scars :/

ughhhghghhg i have catch up work to do and suddenly im dissociating this is bullshit

f; Loretta

I'm going to be typing properly, because typing.. however that is, makes my head hurt. I'm currently trying to get some work done while keeping us calm. I want to work on our craft/practice, but school comes first. I have no idea what's happening after school, as our boyfriend cannot text and school ends soon. I'll just plan it out as best as I can in my head? I definitely need us to do laundry. It's piling up very bad.

f; mikey / frankie & co ; loretta

BO9YFRIEND HAS PHOENBBACK OGGOG BOFYRIENDNDDND

i'm so shakey and can't process noise and all that.. everything is so weird im so scared of everythint spsoososooss bruh. time to research the brobecks to soothe myself

— media ; 1:50 - 3:00PM ( last period. )

i feel absolutely horrible. i cant brwathe i reel like im going to sob amd puke i jsyt wannabgo hoke

my mom isnt answrring me like o hate her but lowkey olease acknlwlddmge im habing a panic attaxi

im aboutnto cry in class i cant takehrhjjs. im havjng flashbadks too. i justbwanna go home

im about ti leave school thank fuck. i feel awfuk and just cant think. i keep thinking abt the weird psych ward dream i had.

okay im going to ennd this journal thing here since its longnand boring and infeel like shit

if you actuallt read this, thank you:3

[systems-overloaded]

wanted to use aac some today, downloaded an app, and tried to customize some. was able to use it in the car with my mom, but felt too nervous to use it with a worker at a store when i asked for bathroom code.

then got all overwhelmed when in the store, and asked my mom to pick me up, and then she parked the car like LITERALLY half way out of the parking spot and into the street. i hate when she does stuff like that. i didnt have a pre done phrase in my text-to-speech app. so i told her verbally, "pull the car up, youre halfway in the street" and she said something but i had earplugs in, probably "its fine, ill just be here for a minute", and i was already unraveling at this point, prior to this type of anxiety-panic-stressor, and said "no, pull the car up, youre halfways in the fucking street and you know i cant handle that" then she just ignores that, and asks other questions about where were going next or whats the plan and now im super stressed and on the verge of full on melting down. so i end up forcing out something like "idk you need to pull the fucking car up its rude as hell and i cant fucking think, just pull the car into the fucking parking spot". and shes like "right now?" like shes so confused about it. and im forcing out a yes, feeling like each word is literally causing doom and actual pain sensations throughout my body. (often trying to talk doesnt work well. it feels like i cant control my muscles or my mouth, and nails are being scraped throughout my nervous system. the whole body, from the inside out, just like slicing open my nerves in a literal sense. sometimes i actually end up vomiting, often just into my mouth but sometimes full on, because what i assume is a mix of nausea, pain, and physically forcing air out of my body so hard to get words out) and she finally pulled the car up into the parking spot.

i took some deep breathes and realized our previous plans are done, no way can i handle that. i need to just go home.

its so hard, i just... im overwhelmed still, injured myself with my fingernails unfortunately, but im breathing a bit better, and were on the way home. but i also just feel so tired and exhausted and honestly depressed. why do i even speak, put all this effort info communication, if its not even heard, if im not even recieved?

even outside of this exact interaction, ill speak and itll be so hard, but i put in that effort you know? and then she wont hear me, and ill have to try and repeat it and then she still wont, so then after sometimes repeating it 2-3 times, forcing words out, and sometimes deadass almost externally crying, i end up basically yelling it, bc i cant speak it again, so i just need to be loud so i dont have to try and repeat again (sometimes it not a conscious thing but i do it for that reason, and sometimes its because i just cant control the volume of my voice and am acutely stressed as fuck). and then she gets upset i raised my voice, but thats the only way i can get her to hear it. and if i just yell outta no where, or come across certain ways when im having meltdowns i absolutely apologize later and try to explain, so intents are understood. but i feel something not-good (unsure exact feeling) about when she acts all offended that i raise my volume when ive already repeated sometimes 2-3 times increasingly getting louder, and she said she couldnt hear me????? like WHAT, shell literally ask me each time to be louder, and i get louder?? (sometimes i cant and i just give up or shake my head and end up trying to text her or something but ugh. and even then, she often doesnt look at her phone or read her texts, or she reads and forgets and im just so tired)

other times it just seems like... ill speak, and shell say something back that matches, but then shell either have not processed it at all, or forgetton immediately or something. and it feels like i wasted so much (very precious and very limited) energy, and i just caused percieved/felt damage to my mind/body, to speak because thats the only way ill be heard... and then to still not be heard.

i dont think shes doing it on purpose. i think she has ADHD with some autistic traits (like having "broader autistic phenotype" but not being autistic), and that she probably has auditory processing issues she doesnt fully realise, or her brain is just scattered everywhere often. (some alters who are more detached to her, and view her as a woman who lives with us, rather than a mom or even someone weve known all our lives, literally call her "ditsy" and "scatterbrain". which... rude for sure, but not inaccurate.)

i guess this is just a vent blog now huh? i dont have anyone else to say this too, alters pulled us out of therapy, and i dont have money for a new one right now, nor would many-within agree to it.

im so tired. im so done, i just want to be at peace. theres this tangled up ball of pain deep in my chest, aching and bursting and all pulling at each others wounds, and it physically hurts, like strong chest pains. and it feels like im about to simultaneously cry, vomit, and choke, while having both a partial seizure, as well as physically twitching in ways that could be a PNES. i just wanna rest and be done and be at peace and not be constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed.

i have sensory meltdowns and shutdowns almost everyday, from simply within my own bedroom. i really cant handle this, and i dont know how to manage it.