#two guesses on what im doing rn
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i like ms paint but i like mspaint-esque pressureless brushes more.
exclusive never before seen art process snapshot under cut.
this is what it actually looks like in the canvas. it was a warmup for a larger thing and took way too long so my frustration is justified i think
#homestuck#hom3stuck#home24uck#home2t4ck#dirk strider#jake english#dirkjake#decapitation cw#gddddiiii ialways forgett that one. fuck#admin draws#fanart#anywways uhh tags! context!#first one is post tussle. because i am living vicariously through them#i too want to laugh with a friend and have that soothe the sting from the scrapes and aggrevate the bruised ribs#second one. heat map. pieces of you that you left behind#its something ive been thinking about a lot lately as a framing for trauma. a part of you thats still back there.#the way these two step on each others toes in a more general way too. neither means to. it still happens#i saw art a while ago that speculates on dirk being reminded of the disappearifier whenevr jake is on his shoulders and that stuck with me#im in such a mood with these two again sorry. this is what joining a discord 4 the alpha kids does to your brain#drinking sparkling water straight out of a liter bottle and jamming out to verka serduchka rn what can u do.#guess what im drawing. smile :)
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painting....
#i HATE. mixing colors just cause my pallet is a MESS#ITS A FUCKIGN MESS I CANT WOKR#work#also i suck ass at proportions what two years of art school without drawing or painting from reference will do to you i guess...#im missing the 1st year me rn tbh#like im messing up proportions SO BAD#i think its fine but im like... i think theres some tiny error here.. and i take a photo and EVERYTHING is wrong#of well#i knowww ill get better at it if i try uhhhhhh..... i wanna try id loove to paint and take a painting workshop next semester maybe...???#if im good enough
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god i finally watched new episodes my honest reaction is jgiwoaoKzmxmkwkakkak
#it kinda doesnt feel real for me idk why#like i do not actually process all of it??#tho I DO have ideas and thinking i did pay attention#maybe i've just had a wild day i guess#but also oh god vex'ahlia broke my heart#twice#first time were when scanlan was talking how he couldn't be at two places at the same time to help 'em and she said nobody gives a fuck#i feel so bad for scanlan rn i love him#haven't watched campaing to the bard's lament yet but oh fuck im too spoiled i do know what happens where (a little bit)#the second time was when she said she really cares for percy i started crying at that moment#also im a lil bit disappointed cuz i thought we would get percys death and vex's spech but we got “i open the door completly naked” scene ->#and im very happy we got it like oh wow i didn't expect that#but idk im just a girl and i love percahlia's slowburn#since i watched 64 eps of actual campaign it become hard for me to not compare campaign and tlovm cuz obviosly its very different#but with percahlia in tlovm we don't have hours and hours of campaign context#(we don't have percy making her arrows)#and i understand why cuz 100+ streams 3+ hours each is one thing and animated series with 12 eps of 25 minutes is another#but as i said previosly it is very hard for me to not compare it#by the way i do think changes in tlovm make sense#cuz like?? i think vex is more sharpy in tlovm than in campaign?? like#like she punced scanlan in first season and in campaign they are kinda good friends and i really love them??#*punched#and i think she's more ?? bossy i guess?? idk how to put it into words but in my head it makes sense “i open the door completly naked” ->#goes earlier than “i shouldve told you its yours” cuz shes playing pretend even more than in campaign???#acts like its casual when its actually isnt AT ALL#and im glad percy said “what is it i want” to vex cuz its kinda like that scene in campaign when percy talked to vax#when he called them all family for the first time and said he's trying to find what he wants in life#i love percy and vax dynamic btw#i wanted to write even more here but apparently i can do only 30 tags wtf#they want me to actually write posts oh no. hate to put it all in tags but im too nervous abt posting on the internet
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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Elena:My pronouns are what/ever/major/loser, now get out of my room!
Felix:Yeah, I told loser it's time for dinner. (gets smacked) Ow, quit it, I'm respecting your pronouns!
#source:tumblr#black survival incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes#eternal return incorrect quotes#can we get more people doing erbs incorrect quotes so the tag autosaves. for me in particular#(no clue if that's how it works i just know that tag refuses to auto-suggest)#elenablacksurvival#felixblacksurvival#i've made other quotes of those two right. this isn't the only one#GUESS WHAT GUYS! I CANNOT FIND ANY QUOTES FOR THEM!#CONGRATULATIONS ELENA AND FELIX THIS IS BOTH OF YOUR FIRST QUOTES#im having that kind of anxiety that makes me have zero filter rn so i'm gonna talk about them#i'm usually always open for lgbt head cannons for characters. see above:magnus#(i think it's hilarious to make him be a gay misogynist still even if i know my old takes were mostly. well#the kind of stuff that happens if you give a high person a 200mg edible?)#but i incredibly do not buy felix as being not straight. sorry singular felix fan#not a diss. i'm the singular zahir fan i getchu#elena i buy in the way i. see above. buy magnus. i buy her being a lesbian who hates men#but also idk i incredibly do not think those two can be lgb. i never deny a character being t though#felix could have tboy swag sure#i KNOW he also has used his spear like a witch's broom as a joke at least once
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sometimes my boobs hurt so much i think they're gonna bleed surely this is normal right
#i think im pmsing.. but im not sure#like the dates aligned but also they've been super irregular hence the whole pcod etc#like im already wearing a size 38 bra because of all this fucking weight gain#and even that feels tight?? like the next size available was free size😭����#but like it feels normal good even everyday just from the past two days it's been hurting like hell#and fucking worst festivsl of the year so i can't even stay in my room bra off all day#but oh god why do they pain so much it's never been like this before ive been having periods since i was 11 and im 21 now#maybe another pcod uhh idk side effect? symptom? whatever it's called#and i definitely have that pms wali feeling#i mean i haven't broken down yet but#you know that feeling when you WANT something but you don't know what and you try everything but nothing works#like i ate pasta i ate ice cream i studied and accomplished my targets i slept a lot i watched comfort show#i even washed my hair and danced to so many songs today morning while booping#but then it keeps crashing#and it's not enough#don't ask me what's it because even i do not know#i think i want. a hug. i guess#but from my bestfriend#because me and my sister keep fighting and i don't think she's really understanding me rn#but i think she's (bsf) avoiding talking to me because she's getting back together with her shitty boyfriend#i want to call and whine and say fuck that i don't care just talk to me but#i can't#the thought of asking for help needing people is. wow it's genuinely making me puke#i hate hate HATE being pathetic and needy#sometimes i wish#i mean obviously i would prefer it if i was perfectly healthy qnd normal and fine#but sometimes i wish someone just looked at me and said#oh honey how are you carrying so much sadness inside you and hiding it so well?? how are you even functioning???? how are you not#on the floor wailing and crying and unable to get up?#like you need [insert idk pills or whatever the cure is] BADLY
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Sits in shambles I didn't read maybe Jorge's id correctly in the mysterious hermit logs the first god knows how many times I read them and only just now realized that it's the same id as the scientist that speaks in the agricultural notes log why must I be so bad at reading
#rat rambles#oni posting#on the bright side thats one mystery id kind of solved#by kind of I mean its most likely jorge but theres no way to comfirm it#this does make me feel like there might be some other b363 thing I missed but Im not sure if I doubt myself enough to go check rn#they are another character seen in story trait logs alongside an in game lifeform origin log just with critters this time#Ive made baseless speculation on who b363 could be based on what named characters we have without ids but its nowhere near confirmed#at least from what I remember but again Im starting to doubt myself a lil so I might double check at some point#the only idless characters we have fully marked off is nikola Im pretty sure#although based on the characters we do know anything abt itd most likely be either ada or liam but thats not saying much#ada is a fairly high probability tho since we basically 100% know that shes a part of the bioengineering department#liam possibly is too but thats more of a educated guess then smth particularly implied#Im glad I've finally realized who our lovely plant guy is tho#alas even if I find some hidden b363 content that still leaves I believe 3 ids unidentified#well we do know that at least one of them is steve but we don't know which one#and while we can take shots in the dark at who the scientist is theres also a second guard#and out of everyone we know bits and pieces abt theres no one who fits that bill or at least not anyone Im remembering#every other mentioned character is some flavor of scientist or is implied to be#not counting quinn but they are also off the table on account of not being a gravitas employee#so basically unless I missed smth the only previously established character that we know for sure is in that log is steve and the other two#could easily be any of the currently unused guys#and the other guard basically has to be unless theres scientists here that also double as guards
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anyway if anyone happens to be wondering leigh you’ve been spam rbing for quite some time now haha do you have an exam or smth tmrw the answer is yes ❤️
#personal#FUCKING CHRISTTTT going to fail it and literally no one but myself to blame had literally the whole day and i just Could Not look at it#there is just way too much going on rn like logically OBVIOUSLY the exam tmrw is what should be taking priority but all day im going oh my#god the homework corrections tonight oh god the exam notecard oh god the homework due tmrw ih god the lab due tuesday morning that we still#haven’t finished the in-person portion of oh god the TWO exams wednesday oh god the lab due thursday morning after my classes wednesday tha#go all day till 9pm and i don’t think we finished that lab’s in person portion either oh god my lab due friday morning that i DEFINITELY#haven’t finished and this isn’t even talking abt the lab REPORTS for all these labs oh god my paper due following wednesday along with#Another exam oh god the scholarship project meetings oh god im definitely going to need to skip band at least once in the next#week i can’t go failing band too of all things like oh my god shut up shut up shut up#also apparently my uncle now wants to commission me to help with his own artwork in the next couple weeks which is cool i guess but i#absolutely do not!! need this rn!!#the engineering chronicles
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Pixel art portraits of love interests from this game that I'm still playing. No I will not be mentioning it because it's super embarrassing but ifykyk I guess.
#pixel art#digitial art#art#portraits#im kind of double guessing on whether to post this or not cuz im afraid that someone will recognize the characters and rat me out or smth#but then i was like. how come YOU recognize the characters im drawing rn.#“what were YOU doing in the devils sacrament” typa situation#or the two spidermen pointing aat each otheer meme.
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dokja doing his best time and time again to help junghyeok with regressor depression…. I see the sauce being cooked here
#it’s gay sauce#for gay people.#going post#Orv#tbh dokja I think you should just tell junghyeok everything at this point. not for gay reasons but to make things easier#these two work rlly well together when junghyeok isn’t trying to kill dokja imagine how they’d be if they were fully on the same page too#every day there’s a new fuckin dokkaebi. where do they keep getting these guys#and why do they keep getting cuntier#A THANOS SNAP???#choosing between a thanos snap and killing the strongest incarnation. alright everyone time to speed up on the killing nirvana thing I gues#Junghyeok relying on the predictability of knowing everything…. You can take the man out of the timeloop but you can’t take the timeloop ou#of the man#(I know he’s not out of his regressions but sh)#‘I can’t think of a way to correct this’ junghyeok aren’t you supposed to be smart? Stop being stupid#dokja gets me. that’s why he’s also a reader#Ohhh okay we’re having a Big Talk now. good job dokja#‘But the real problem is when you’ve finally managed to save the world’ THATS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! DOKJA GETS ME#YOU CAN TAKE THE MAN OUT OF THE TIMELOOP BUT YOU CANT TAKE THE TIMELOOP OUT OF THE MAN!#unless junghyeok kicks his regressor’s depression in the ass and learns not to rely on knowing future scenarios so much.#and they’re on a rooftop…. The symsbsnolismm….#Oh wait dokja’s making a different point#ah. ptsd.#well that’s part of my argument I guess#Ohhhhh I love dokja getting to be a prophet rn. and junghyeok realizing he’s onto some shit#‘This world you’re about to abandon could be the only world where you can live to see it end as a human being’ OOOOF. OOF.#that’s heavy#Anyway time for comic relief. sorry Uriel but no gay sex yet#‘Who’s the strongest incarnation?’ Junghyeok: no doubt it’s me#……………………………….#DOKJA IS ALSO CONSIDERING HIMSELF THE STRONGEST?? GUYS
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[pained wailing emoji]
#.pdf#rd#THE REST OF THIS IS JSUT ME WHINING. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE#i dont wanna go to work ‼️‼️‼️ i feel like i am nearing a breaking point i am sofucking burnt out#every time i go to work. my brain gets Scary at me. stresses me out. dont like it ☹️#im supposedto be going in tonigjt but im dreading it sososo much#my work hour options have changed from “fully flexible” to “7am-9pm only” whcih yeah i know that doesnt sound that bad. but i have non-24#(circadian rhythm disorder that makes me sleep progressively later every day circling fully around the clock over ~3 weeks or so)#and bcos of it often i have to force myself out of bed in what my body thinks may as well be the middle of the night just to get to work#and then i dont ever get enough time to recover from that to actually let my sleep fall back into its natural schedule wjich is the only#time i feel properly rested. so essentially im chronically sleep deprived which is making me chronically stressed and way less productive#i just reslly really want to fucking save up a little money and just Not work for a week or two. bjt. with my sleep bullshit i cant really#work enough to be able to put anything aside. at all#so. kind of an unrealistic desire i guess. lol#ive been feeling like this ever since like early january when i was told i ahve to stick to a more normal schedule. & its only getting worse#idont know i just wishthere was something i could do that was fully flexible on timing but also doesnt havw the kind of workload that would-#-stress me out like basically anything with longer-term projects so ykmow Most flexible schedule jobs.#i do have one thing in mind i could do on my own but its dumb and probably wouldnt make much money and has startup costs i cant afford rn..
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sometimes i truly feel like this is the end
#sadposting#on main#two weeks ago i tried to kill myself and im still sat here like??#why didn't it work#why do i have to keep moving forward when i am so tired#and everything hurts#and then i get to see my toy eggy and im like i guess because good things happen like being granted evil eggy#and i still don't know why to do or what the future looks like#im just existing rn#hope yall enjoyed the trauma dump in the tags#cause i simply cannot talk to people properly right now
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been getting back into mother 3 after All That and every time i see the sunflower field im like. whoa. that's so neat. i am Not overthinking it !
#i am just making this post to ramble about the sunflower thing again kjfhdg#it's almost been a whole year. i was in the middle of replaying mother 3 last june#i was at the sunflower field scene and decided to stop playing for the night#and that is the same night ''so long nerds'' was uploaded#not to be dramatic or cliche or whatever but. feels very ''on purpose'' ya know#destiny or whatever#the game was a huuuuuuge turning point for me in coping with life and death which i was. Very Bad at before!#and im sure you can tell i still am *(@&*(&*%(&^*#i havent been able to touch the game since but im getting better at it. been watching some videos n stuff about it#i still havent picked it back up tho. idk if i can sit through that cutscene again#i already kinda associated techno with sunflowers bc of the whole rising sun stuff. the staff being a sunflower#but the fact that i was in the middle of that part of mother 3 made that association so much worse#now they're just like. the death object for me. remembrance flowers. idk actual flower meanings but that's what they are to me now#idk if anyone remembers this post but like a week or two after his death my aunt tried growing a sunflower#it was unrelated to me and that whole thing. just another coincidence#she passed this week. so the sunflowers are really back on my mind rn#that's why i turned off the inbox was bc i really didnt know what to do after that#her whole side of the family died this past year#i hate to vent or whatever but i feel like if i dont mention it i'll explode so i've buried this under many other tags#congrats if you read this far i just wanted to have that out there i guess bc i've talked about her a lot#the cats are fine if you remember them. orangey has a home and my uncle is watching thomas#grief#grief cw#i dont remember what ppl tag that as#chat#i'll probably delete this later but im also gonna reblog all the cats n stuff again bc i just want ppl to see them
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i feel fucking CRAZY. if yall could send some good vibes out into the universe for me thatd be great bc i think im gonna really need it the next few days lmfao
#so uhh. last night at 6:53pm i ws asked to emergency understudy for a character in a Two Person Play that i had Never Before Even Read.#for a show that OPENS TOMORROW NIGHT.#and so there i was at SEVEN O'CLOCK doing thee COLDEST COLD READ EVER of a show that is in its SECOND TO LAST DRESS REHEARSAL#in the last 20 hours ive learned: a new song; how to swordfight; how to tango; how to BULLFIGHT; & how to dance ''in the style of a beetle''#brother i feel INSANE but if i dont help out theres a chance this show cant go on -- and thats fucking *heartbreaking*#the person im covering for had a medical emergency on wednesday -- but they said theyll be able to come do the final tech rehearsal tonight#so maybe theyll recover enough for tomorrow?? i fucking HOPE so. but. i also know they may push themself too hard too fast and thats worse#in any case. im doing my goddamn fucking best and ill probably (definitely) have to have a script in my hand no matter what but thats not#nearly as big a problem as the show never getting to run#so. HERE WE GO#i dont have a costume that fits i dont have a clue whats gonna happen but fuck if im not going to commit 100% for the other people#whove been working so goddamn hard on it. theyre literally some of my closest friends around rn id do anything in my power to help#and i guess this is whats in my power right now ??? lmao ???#anyway.#bee speaks
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#ramblings#stressing tf out rn so quick rant ignore whatever just need to get it out usually makes me feel better#my school has its awards ceremony in two days#and this year theyve decided theyll only tell you if youre getting award not the ones youre getting#which is fucking stressful#as bad as it sounds i dont really know what im going to do with myself if i dont get top of the grade#i know it sounds really fucking full of myself but like#at this point i feel like if i dont get it im a failure absolute fuckup because ive gotten it 3 out of 4 years#really all i have is mya cademics yknow im pretty bloody useless otherwise#anyway this year has been . yeah .#like ive done well but i dont know if ive done the best#they never tell you who got top of the grade until the night but you can usually tell from who gets the most subject awards#but now theyve changed it and i genuinely have no clue and its so sosososos stressful#oh and all this makes me feel like im so incredibly self obsessed and full of myself which is wonderful#whelp itll be over in a few days i guess .
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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