#tw low self-esteem

[my-lovely-writing]

Obey Me! Lucifer with an abused teen MC.

Little notes: Haha, sorry that was a bit of a hiatus! I've been struggling with, well...life. You know how it is. But I'm back because I have fictional person brain rot. If you don't want to see anything besides my hero/villain stuff, feel free to blacklist the obey me tags.

Also, I'm kinda new to the obey me! fandom, so I'm sorry if the characters are a bit off. I won't be writing about some of them until I've learned more about them.

With that said, if you have any triggers, please check the tw tags before clicking below. This is about an MC who's been abused.

Lucifer

Lucifer found it a bit strange how quickly you took to him.

He makes you do your homework before class tomorrow? No complaints. He reminds you of bedtime (which you have because nobody's allowed to stay up later than Lucifer in the house of lamentation due to the fact that there may not be one left by morning)? "Okay, no problem! I can study TSL later." (Still trying to hang out with Levi, are you?) If anything, you seem grateful for his overbearing tendencies.

Really, with the chaos of his brothers, he's a little bit weirded out by how much trouble you don't cause. Maybe you're just scared of the demons?

Yeah, that has to be it. Works for him.

Except...it doesn't.

Not when he comes in screaming at Mammon for yet another failing grade and you start trembling, face pale and legs locked from your place on the couch, as if you don't quite know whether to freeze or run.

Dammit, he needs to take care of this lest the angels see you as a hostage and another celestial war is started. Besides, Diavolo doesn't want the human exchange student terrified, he's trying to foster relations.

So, for once, Lucifer forgoes stringing Mammon up from the ceiling, much to everyone's surprise (and your and his shared relief) and instead stalks off to his office to calm down with his favorite cursed records.

Later that night, when he's sending everyone to bed, he saves you for last. "MC, please follow me to my office."

His tone is gentle, reassuring even, but you know better than to mistake it for a request. Your mind races as you follow him on shaky legs. What have you done now? Idiot!

When you reach his office, Lucifer gestures for you to sit in the armchair across from his desk. It's surprisingly comfortable as you sink into it, but you can't help feeling like you're being swallowed up. Is he going to eat you?

As he sits in the chair across from you, it doesn't seem like it. Yet.

"How are you adjusting to life in The Devildom?"

You can't figure out his game here. His face reveals little, but you get the sense that he's asking a question without asking it.

"I'm adjusting," you say simply, expecting him to drop it at that. You're just a mortal, after all.

"I asked how you are adjusting," he counters. "It must be a big shift for you."

Really, it must be, he had realized earlier in the confines of his office—he and his brothers struggled enough after the fall, but you, in your human ways, had not even realized the existence of magic or god before coming here, and now you're surrounded by demons? Not to mention that you're still a child. Lucifer doesn't like to curse, usually finding such foul language beneath him, but he doesn't know what to call it other than a mindfuck.

The Avatar of Pride's efforts to push away the tinge of guilt that accompanied said realization have been in vain. He and his brothers haven't exactly been nice to you, have they?

He's long decided to help you adjust, if only to get rid of this stubborn and unbecoming guilt, but he can't exactly do that if you won't tell him what's wrong and you're just staring at him like a gaping fish, so he doubles down. "Are you experiencing any difficulties, MC?"

Fuck, fuck, fuck—if your mind was racing before, it's moving so quickly now that it's burning into ashes that, somehow, through the magic you've just learned exists, are blown away by the wind to spell those three words.

"MC?" Lucifer repeats your name, eyes widening in that half a millimeter of concern Diavolo talks about (referencing that one chat, I forget the actual measurement and I know his eyes technically widened in surprise, but give me a break) . Is this a human thing? No demons he knows of are this...weak. It's an active effort for him to restrain his judgement as he raises his eyebrows at you which, finally, seems to prompt a response.

"P-please, I'm sorry, I'll do better! I'm sorry for whatever I did. I w-won't do it again, don't eat me!"

Well...

Suddenly he feels like an ass for judging you. Just what ideas has Mammon been putting into your head? You look like you've seen your own ghost. And again, he reminds himself, you are a weak and defenseless human child in a world of demons.

"Nobody, not even Beel, is going to eat you. As our human exchange student, I won't allow you to die before the year closes," he says, lips pulling into a frown, studying you more intently now and watching the way you squirm as he looks at you, back ramrod straight against the armchair. What is going on with you? "Why do you believe that I would eat you?"

"I, uh..." Okay, so you don't think he'll eat you, but it's never good when an adult looks at you like that. "I don't know, you seemed upset earlier and now I've been called in here, so I thought I might have screwed up somehow—not, like, arson or anything, but I thought...I thought you'd find something."

"You thought I'd find something?" Lucifer stresses the word.

"...Yes?" you say with all the hesitance of someone on death row confessing to a crime. You swear you see Lucifer's eye twitch for just a split second.

Meanwhile, Lucifer's got it. At first, he didn't really pay all that much mind when Diavolo mentioned that you come from "troubled circumstances", mostly hoping that you wouldn't be just as troubled and therefore troubling yourself, but he's starting to see that you are—just in a different way than the others.

Of course, he doesn't outright mention or address the clues he's just put together—The Avatar of Pride can tell better than anyone that you're hiding your past as well as you can, which is, admittedly, not well, but he's been persuaded to humor you.

"I am not a sadist." Okay, he is, but it's better that you not know that. He continues, "I am not looking to find something to punish you for and, while there are some things I would kill you for such as threatening my brothers, Diavolo, or the Devildom, I have no intentions of causing you harm under regular circumstances. You may get an F on your math test without fearing me or any punishment I would give you, MC."

You blink as you process the words, a little bit of the fear edging out of your body. "I can?" Your voice is tentatively hopeful.

"You can," Lucifer reaffirms, shuffling his paperwork around, if only for your benefit, as tears begin to brim in your eyes. He allows you to save face. "Go to bed. You're welcome in my office if you ever need to talk."

"Thank you," you mumble to him as you hurry from the room. You don't know what this means, but you know you're not dead and that's good enough.

The next morning, Lucifer's brothers are woken up earlier and met with a stern talk about being kind to you, accompanied by the reminder that you are a child even by human standards who is adjusting to life in literal hell and the threat of them having to adjust to hell a second time over (a punishment—Lucifer's punishment is the second hell). "We're building relations with the exchange student for Diavolo," he justifies explains.

His brothers aren't terribly thrilled with the idea of cozying up to a human, but they agree because they remember how hard the fall was for them.

Asmodeus, being the most familiar and cool with humans due to his pact with Solomon and finding your fearful, doe-like nature adorable, offers to take you out clubbing—to which Lucifer reminds him of the child thing.

Fine, fine, no clubbing. He'll pamper you instead, you certainly have enough split ends to suggest you could use a haircut.

From then on out, a new rule is established where each of the brothers, Lucifer included, have to spend time with you every so often with one or more brothers spending time with you each day of the week.

Needless to say, you're confused by the sudden kindness but you soon don't mind it, finding yourself slowly warming up to them—and, much to the shock of your ruined self-esteem, they to you.

Lucifer is pleasantly surprised and secretly grateful to find that his brothers get into less trouble with you around and, eventually, even more pleasantly surprised to find that you seem almost normal around them. You no longer eat in silence at the dinner table, refuse to meet their eyes, or cower like a puppy used to getting kicked when they raise their voices at each other (everyone has learned not to raise their voice at you, even Satan).

It's not long before Lucifer is calling you his best behaved child sibling. He even goes so far as to have everyone retake the family photo with you in it.

Is there any way he can turn you into a demon? He'd like you to be his child sibling for forever, and humans die far too quickly. As far as Lucifer's concerned, Satan has something new to research.

And it's not as though you don't seem to have some level of darkness in you. Just the other day you heard screams coming from the lower levels of Lord Diavolo's castle and followed them in spite of your fear, kind heart wanting to aid whoever was suffering.

According to Barbatos, you didn't even flinch when you found him torturing your parents, pliers still gripped around one of your dad's bloody fingernails.

Hell, you even asked to join in! (How Barbatos responded to that, I'll let you all imagine lol)

Also, Lucifer will never admit it, but he's quite possibly never felt more pride than the time you, Satan, and Belphie pranked him with a whoopie cushion on his desk chair. Normally he would have beat his brothers with it, but he could tell from the less than ideal invisibility cloak over the object that you were involved and hid a smile from prying eyes as he sat on what felt like his throne despite the ensuing fart noises.

And that's how his family of seven became eight once again.

[ed-d0llys-blog]

Mealspo !! <3

[cleosmasterpiece]

I haven’t liked myself in so long

[yeetmeoutthewindowdaddy]

Rolan's performance issues (Part 1)

I am so mean to my blorbo's. Anyways, Part 1 (this part) is why Rolan has performance anxiety in the bedroom during Part 2.

Inspired by this post/ video.

I color coded the dialog for Rolan, Cal, and Lia for easier reading.

Suggestive, angst, hurt no comfort (part 1 only), insecurities, self-loathing, attachment issues, abandonment issues.

● (Link to Part 2)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rolan and Tav's relationship had been getting more physical as of late. The thought of them going all the way had Rolan as excited as it did nervous.

One morning during breakfast Cal and Lia noticed a hickey that Rolan's pajama shirt didn't quite cover, and as his siblings they were legally obligated to tease him about it.

"Rolan, I thought that Astarion only fed from Tav." Lia said, with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Not having had his morning cup of coffee yet, Rolan didn't respond— he just looked at Lia with a mix of genuine confusion and mild trepidation.

"Astarion!? It looks as though he were attacked by a very large leech!" Cal replied with a shit eating grin.

**Rolan's face**

"What?" He asked, his sleep addled mind only functional enough to shamble around like a zombie that needed caffeine instead of brains. His tail started to sway in annoyance— he knew they were teasing him, but he didn't know about what.

Taking pity on him, Cal tapped his pointer finger against his own neck in the spot where Tav had left a hickey on Rolan's neck.

"You've got a..." Cal said, trailing off at the end of the sentence to let Rolan figure it out himself.

Rolan's eyes suddenly widened, his cheeks flushed as his hand shot up to cover the incriminating mark on his neck.

Cal and Lia burst into laughter as they continued to poke fun at a very unamused Rolan.

"Are you sure that Tav isn't a vampire Rolan?" Lia questioned her brother with mirth.

"Could you two please be mature about this?" Rolan asked, despite already knowing that the answer would be—

"No!" Lia and Cal gleefully him answered at the same time.

Gods, he was horrified, they were never going to let this go. Rolan pinched his nasion between his thumb and pointer finger in a futile attempt to stave off a headache.

"Is the Master of the Tower planning on using some magic to impress Tav in the bedroom?" Lia asked while wriggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"Do NOT bring my wizardry into your juvenile teasing, Lia." Rolan sternly warned.

"Yeah Lia, Rolan's magic isn't something that you should tease him about." Cal said to his sister, his voice and demeanor suddenly turning staid.

"It isn't?" Lia asked, surprised by Cal abruptly switching to Rolan's side.

"It isn't?" Rolan asked, surprised when Cal unexpectedly took his side. "I mean, you're right— it isn't. Thank you, Cal." He said with a pleased air of finality.

"Yeah well, I know it's a bit of a sensitive subject— with you having problems eh, performing your magic for someone who you've romantic feelings for." Cal said in comforting patronizing tone.

Rolan looked aghast as he asked "What in the hells are you talking about Cal? I've never had trouble perform-"

Cal cut Rolan off before he could finish his sentence. "Sarai, the bakers daughter."

Recognition dawned on Rolan's face. "I was fifteen, I was an inexperienced novice who barely understood magic!" He argued.

"Hahaha, oh yeah! I'd almost forgotten about that!" Lia cackled with delight.

"That was fourteen years ago!" Rolan reminded his impudent siblings.

"Her skin was the same shade of puke-green for almost a whole tenday, Rolan!" Cal reminded his flustered brother.

"Yeah, even the local healer didn't know that a miscast color spray could do that!" Lia added.

"I didn't have confidence in my magical abilities back then. I tried to cast a spell to impress her, and panicked when I couldn't! I got lucky that neither she nor I were injured!" Rolan said defensively.

"Oh you got lucky alright Rolan, just not in the way you were hoping you would." Lia jeered.

Before Rolan could respond, Cal added on to Lia's remark.

"He got lucky in another way on that day too, Lia! As had he not spectacularly failed in his attempt to seduce the fair maiden, he would've disappointed her by being unable to perform under pressure in the— I'd say bedroom, but storage room would be more realistic."

"I didn't know what I was doing! I was flying by the seat of my pants without any guidance..." Rolan said to his siblings, his vehemence waning as a horrible realization dawned upon him.

He stopped registering Cal and Lia's continuous taunts as his mind focused on a single, harrowing, thought: He is just as inexperienced now as he was then, all those years ago. Worse still, he was even more nervous now than he was as a hormonal teenager.

Up until now his lack of sexual and romantic experience hadn't been of any concern to him. He had his studies to focus on, he didn't have time for any "frivolous dalliances".

But now Rolan was pushing 30. He was in a romantic, soon to be sexual relationship. With a bard. A very attractive bard. Tav was honest about having had numerous lovers previous to him, and that hadn't much bothered the mage— until now.

Gods, he could hardly believe that Tav wanted to be in a serious relationship with him. Rolan knew what he was like; temperamental, orotund, and standoffish.

But Tav seemed to like him in spite of his flaws... maybe even because of them? No, He dared not to hope that such an absurd thought had any merit. Tav put up with his loathsome personality— lying to himself would only make it all the more painful when Tav eventually realizes that Rolan isn't worth the effort and abandons him.

Panic seized Rolan, he had to make sure that he didn't make a fool of himself when he and Tav eventually had sex. It had to be perfect. He had to be perfect, or Tav might see that Rolan didn't deserve to be loved.

"Rolan?" Cal gently called to his brother, both he and Lia having noticed how upset Rolan was.

They knew they went too far, that they hit a very sensitive nerve, because of Rolan's body language.

His shoulders were hunched up to his ears, his body stiff and his muscles tightly clenched. His hands were balled into fists to hide that they were shaking.

Rolan's breathing was strained, his eyes were looking towards them but he wasn't seeing the world around him. His face was carefully schooled into a neutral and unaffected look.

HIs tail held low and rigid, unmoving except for its spade which was twitching as it did when Rolan was particularly distressed.

"Hey, Rolan. We didn't mean it, we were just teasing." Lia said in an uncharacteristically gentle voice.

"Are you two quite finished?" Rolan asked, his voice clipped.

"...Yes, but Rolan we-" Cal replied before Rolan interrupted him.

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me I have a store to open and research to complete." Rolan said as he quickly strode away, his "breakfast" of black coffee left untouched and forgotten.

"Rolan!" Lia called after him, but she paused when Cal placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Forcing him to talk is only going to make things worse, Lia." Cal sagely counseled.

"Shit. You're right." Lia replied as she sat down and placed her head in her hands. "We went to far."

"We went way to far." Cal agreed, and told Lia "We need to apologize and make it up to him."

Lia lifted her head to look dejectedly at Cal. "Apologizing we can do, but how in the world would we make it up to him?" Lia asked.

But Cal did not respond, for he did not have an answer.

Elsewhere in the tower Rolan was trying to get ready for the day. But his dammed hands wouldn't stop shaking long enough for him to put his hair in its normal style.

"Zurgan!" Rolan cursed, hurling his hairbrush across his room in frustration. Letting out a heavy sigh as he heard a loud cracking noise.

"Oh wonderful job Rolan. You broke it." He said to himself, disappointment and self-disgust welling up inside him.

He paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and decided to send his simulacrum to man the register of Sorcerers Sundries today— he was in no mood to content with any ignorant, rude, customers.

Part 2

[justaneedle]

Many people talk so much about how Percy "is so amazing at everything but has terribly low self-esteem." I do enjoy his character and find his inner monologues funny,but I've never seen Percy as someone with self-worth issues. If I try to read him under that light,it becomes ridiculous. I've never seen him doubt himself to the point of screwing shit up,having trouble accepting affection or compliments,nor having any "down on himself" feelings draining his energy in some way. Percy is just humble,quiet, and nonchalant about his deeds. I don't know if Rick intended to have his protagonist struggle with such issues or if it's a popular fanon,but Percy being "too hard on himself" feels more like an aesthetic TikTok version of it.

As someone who struggled with self-worth issues,I feel like Luke is a much better showcase of it. Between the need for validation(Kronos lavished Luke with praise,if his words in TLT are anything to go by) and feeling envy of Percy(as Kronos pointed out in TBoL or TLO,saying "hatred and jealousy kept him obedient). We don't see anything of that in his inner monologues.

(On a tangent,this is related to my beef with show!Luke. The raw hurt and exhaustion of someone deeply traumatized by terrible life experiences and little to no support isn't properly portrayed. His show self is too sanitized and polished. Yes,show!Luke lashed out against Percy,but it doesn't hold a candle to the resentment book!Luke had against CHB)

Okay, actually, I literally have nothing to add because you're right!

And while I can understand exactly what people take for Percy's self-esteem issues, it's actually a consequence of us as readers literally sitting in his head. It's natural for all people to doubt themselves from time to time and feel unwanted (especially considering that Percy is literally a disabled child from a single-parent family with an abusive stepfather), but this is not the same thing. And yes, this is most noticeable when you look at other characters who have obvious problems with self-esteem (aka Luke, Annabeth, and even Thalia) — this has a clear effect on their behavior and actions, and this is noticeable without us literally looking into their POV — they are all extremely susceptible to manipulation and their problems with self-esteem are fueled their not the best qualities. Thalia is too ambitious and strives to be the main one, dominant precisely because she unconsciously strives to show her importance. Annabeth is arrogant in her desire to be the best, because for years she considered herself unwanted, nothing more than a mistake. Luke's grudge is literally based on the fact that he is a abandoned child who has never felt fully (of course there's was people who loved him, but how much they did that? and that more important, how much of their love he really could understand?) loved, to fix everything — to make sure that children like him no longer have to feel unwanted and unloved, even if it means doing a number of terrible things.

Percy has obvious suicidal tendencies and this is exactly what is visible to the naked eye — he's somewhat passive when it comes to his status as the hero of the story, main character — he isn't really one — the plot takes place AROUND Percy. He simply doesn't have a directed desire to do something, which is often characteristic of his problems. Life and unnecessary gestures simply don't make enough sense (unfortunately, I speak from my own experience).

[ed-recoverry]

In 2017, I had a friend named Emily who I met through a concert group chat. We spoke through texts. That was the only way we ever communicated.

One day, when something bad happened to me, she was the first person I was able to contact. It is a detail so important to me that I will never forget.

But Emily has no clue how much this impacted me.

I had never and will never meet Emily irl. I know that for sure.

Because in late November 2017, Emily killed herself.

I was 14 and she was 17 when we talked (not in a creepy way, she was like a mentor); I am now 21 and still cannot bring her up without crying.

When I say you don’t realize how many people you impact, YOU DON’T REALIZE! I had never met this girl my entire life, knew her for less than a year, and her suicide still hurts.

You have no clue how much impact you have on those around you. I wish I was able to tell Emily that before she left. But y’all deserve to know as well.

I swear that you are the Emily to so many people right now, you just don’t know it. Your very existence impacts the Earth. Your presence means so much, even if you don’t see it.

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

I need help or something I’m not sure

I told myself I would never vent online again. But I really have no one. Everyone around me is too busy to have anything to do with me so I’m left on my own.

My self esteem is really bad atm. I have struggled with self esteem since puberty, I’m sure most of us had. But since I had to deal with intense cyberbullying, death threats and abusive online relationships my self esteem is constantly really bad. I have two names and it’s Izzy and disgusting freak, the name I’ve been called the most. I’ve been called many names, none of them that are good but that one was most common. It’s burned into my brain forever now. Like a label that has been stapled to my chest for all to see and for me to feel that stinging sensation forever. People look but see the label that had been forced onto me instead of someone who needs help. They believe the label. They listen to the label even if I can provide them with proof it’s a lie and beg for help to have it removed and taken down. It’s all hopeless. At least that’s how my life was before I deleted all my old accounts to get the fuck away from those evil twisted monsters who did this to me.

This is gonna sound kind of stupid but now instead of being hurt by name calling I’m hurt by how I am just not seen. Tumblr has been shockingly good, which is ironic as most of my tormentors are from this site. I had to delete accounts multiple times on this website before. Who knew third time could be a charm? I guess the reason I feel down is that on my old DA account I did have over 1000 watchers. I have about 20 now, which is good considering how I only have like 1 person for months and literally none of my stuff was liked of favourited. I just feel like I’ve went from being a disgusting freak to a nobody. I ripped off the label best I can and created a brand new one but no one pays attention to it.

I think the reason why I’m worried about this is because there are only bad memories of me out there, that they associate me as the disgusting freak who faded away. I want to be labeled as something positive so maybe just maybe they can forget I ever was considered that. A “disgusting freak”. A way to redeem myself…even when in truth I was just trying to fight to be myself back then.

This is my passion but also my way of trying to prove myself and fight some more. Some days I enjoy it other days it makes me feel sick.

[natasha-in-space]

Safe and Sound

GE!Saeran/gn!reader:

Saeran's love for you was unconditional, just like the promise of happiness you've made to each other in the blooming garden of discord. However, learning to accept that kind of love was not as easy as you thought it would be. While, undeniably, some days were bright and happy... on days like this one, you couldn't help but struggle with your insecurities concerning your relationship.

TW for: feelings of severe insecurity, low self-esteem, depressive thoughts.

There was no doubt in your heart regarding Saeran's feelings for you. No, his love for you was undeniable and unwavering in its affection, even as the warm summer sun would inevitably flow into cold autumn winds and merciless winter storms. After all, after even the harshest of winter comes the comforting warmth of Spring. Such is the rule of all four seasons. And, each new passing season that you've spent by each other's side would only lead to new happy memories for you to look back on and smile as you flip through Saeran's diary whenever he wanted to share his new colorful scribbles with you. The promise of happiness that you two have made to each other all those years ago never faded away with time: it only grew stronger with the soil you've provided through your shared love and patience toward one another even in the darkest of times. Much like nourishing a flower, your love was growing and changing with time.

But... it wasn't Saeran's love that bothered you so much that you barely left the bed throughout the day. The source of your distress was a much more complicated enemy to beat since it was your own mind trying its damnest to make your life as miserable as possible. Some days were better than others. In fact, there were even some days when you felt like you were truly happy: like you could finally see the world for what it truly is, instead of focusing solely on depressing things that would only bring you down. And some days felt like you were living a nightmare. So, like the aftermath of any nightmare, all you could really do was hide yourself away inside of your comfy bed, tucked away in a bundle of blankets and pillows, and hope that it would all pass you soon enough.

You made an effort to shut out and ignore the insecurities and doubts that buzzed inside your head like a swarm of angry wasps, and were determined to destroy the enemy that dares to oppose them. Why did your own brain view its rightful owner as a foe to be tortured like this, you had no idea. But, you had no choice but to deal with it one way or another. Not like you could turn off your own thoughts, even if you wanted to.

It's possible that lying to Saeran was a bad idea rather than relying on him for support during this challenging time. No, it was definitely a bad idea for you to isolate yourself like this, but you did it anyway. You were slowly learning to accept your own shortcomings, to stop punishing yourself for messing up every once in a while, but... today, it seems like all you could do was make one stupid mistake after another. So, you refused to reach out for help, your own isolation serving as a twisted form of self-punishment you were inflicting onto yourself for being so weak-minded. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't helping you in the slightest.

As you lay there, listening to the clock tick by, you slowly but surely fell into the self-doubt pit that you knew all too well. It was no surprise to you to find Saeran in the center of it all. You hated your mind for twisting the truth like that. However hard you tried to fight it, eventually, you were simply in too deep to get out. These hateful thoughts of yours were like a swamp full of thick tar that would never let you leave unscathed, once you were unlucky enough to fall in. Picking apart every kind word he ever said to you, trying to expose the lies that weren't even there to begin with, convincing yourself that he was just confused... It was painful. You didn't want to do that. You didn't want to do that to Saeran and you didn't want to do that to yourself, either. But, you couldn't help but question this newfound happiness you've found with him by your side.

Did you really... deserve someone as warm and loving as Saeran in your life? Maybe he would have been better off without you and your depressive episodes. After all, he wanted to see the world, to be happy and free... and you were only holding him back from achieving that. What is he getting out of babying you, as if you weren't a full-functioning adult who should be able to take care of themselves just fine? Sure, maybe you did help him sometimes... but, it was all overshadowed by your worst days that he had to withstand by your side.

As you immerse yourself further in the messy blankets, you shut your eyes tightly, helplessly hoping that this pathetic attempt to hide from your cruel thoughts would finally be successful. You hated being confined to your own bed like this, but you hated the idea of getting up even more. On days like these, you tended to avoid looking at yourself in the mirror or... looking at yourself overall, really. Your choices weren't ideal, but you'd much rather spend your day hating your character, rather than your body. So, burying yourself into the blankets up to your nose until you couldn't see much of yourself was the only option that worked best.

It felt like every single thing about you was wrong, both in and out.

But, Saeran viewed you differently. You were his love, his angel, and his promise of happiness. And, even despite your worst traits being at play here, just the thought of his tender smile and soft voice made your chest ache in a much different way than before. You missed him. It felt so silly. You isolated yourself like this on purpose, but here you were, already desperately hoping for him to come in and chase all of your demons away with his warm touch like he always did.

So, so stupid...

As you were about to shed a few tears, the bedroom door swung open, causing you to almost fall out of your bed from shock. Maybe getting so tangled up inside of your blankets wasn't as functional as you initially thought after all. Either way, you were way too embarrassed to show your face, since you didn't have to guess on the identity of this bold intruder of yours. There was only one person in the entire world who could come barging in into your room like this whenever you were having a hard time. Knowing full well how stupid you were behaving, you hid your head under the blanket regardless, staying quiet as the soft pitter-patter of footsteps hurriedly moved closer and closer to you.

Well, 'be careful what you wish for', as they say. Still, if you said you weren't happy to see Saeran close by, you'd be lying. Just knowing he was right there was enough to dull your negative thoughts, albeit slightly. If it wasn't for your inner shame for hiding yourself away from him like this, you would have already nuzzled up close to his chest, seeking the comfort that his closeness would bring you. But... truth is, you felt guilty.

You made a promise to each other that you wouldn't lie about things like that. That you would trust each other to lend a helping hand whenever one of you needed it. And yet, you did exactly the opposite of that. You knew Saeran wouldn't get upset with you for this, but that did not take away your own shame on the matter. Maybe you were being way too harsh on yourself for something terribly small, but you didn't care. It didn't feel right to throw yourself at him for comfort when you were the one who let things get this bad in the first place. It felt fairly selfish even.

You could hear a slight shaky breath from him as he carefully lowered himself onto the edge of the bed, the warm sensation of his palm touching the top of your head that was hidden beneath the blanket making you shiver. Really, you felt even more silly for tearing up at something so insignificant. It wasn't like you to be such a huge crybaby over a small thing like that. It's not like his kindness is something new to you... so why is your chest aching this much?

Caressing your head, Saeran was the first to break the silence between you, not a single hint of anger or disappointment present in his soft voice. "I knew something was wrong... My love, why didn't you tell me?"

You bit your lip, feeling your tears slowly forming an ugly, damp spot on the pillow that you buried your face in. "I told you I was just tired... How did you even know something was wrong? I thought you wanted to plant those tulips you showed me today."

Idiot, what are you saying-?

"I had a feeling that you needed me, and I couldn't stay still, so I rushed to check on you. I'm happy I didn't ignore this bad feeling of mine. I'd hate to know you were suffering all alone like this."

"That sounds like you, haha." You chuckled softly, imagining him dropping everything to run straight to you. It was such a strange phenomenon, this special connection of yours. While you'd like to say you were annoyed by it, it really wasn't true at all. Somehow, by some weird force of nature, you just knew whenever one of you needed someone by their side. It is how you found him by the lake right before his father could do the unthinkable, against all odds stacked against you. And, it's really no surprise to you that it worked in the opposite direction just as much. Truly, it was such a bizarre thing.

But... did you deserve to share such a special connection with someone? This all felt... too good to be true. Too good for someone so dark and bland like you. If you told Saeran this, he wouldn't take it seriously. You didn't know who was right between the two of you. It's hard to figure out the truth when your brain is playing all kinds of cruel tricks to keep you distressed and anxious at all times of the day. And, try as you might to shut out all your emotions in favor of staying rational... It didn't work all the time.

Well... no reason to hold back now. Saeran was already aware that something was wrong, and he would remain by your side until he was confident that you were fine. And, it's not like you wanted him to leave anyway. Call it weakness or clinginess on your part, but you couldn't possibly let go of him now that he was right there for you hold onto.

"I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm fine, you're fine, and everyone else is fine. So... I should be happy, right? I should be bright and cheerful, exploring the world with you. But I... can't. I have no reason to feel so horrible and disgusting, but I still do. And I can't do anything about it! I don't... I don't want to hold you back from your happiness just because I can't even function properly, so... I decided that I should just wait it out on my own this time around. But, heh, as you can see, I can't even do that right." Bitter laughter left your lips in a suffocating burst, being accompanied by a series of hiccups and a new wave of tears now streaming freely down your cheeks. You were glad he couldn't see your face right now. You probably looked really gross, considering that you didn't even leave your bed to freshen up or brush your teeth today. God, you were such a mess. "I don't know what I did to deserve someone so kind and patient like you, but I... I feel like I'm just using you to feel better about myself, and I hate it. I shouldn't be crying like this over nothing and making you pity me. Not when I'm the only one who's at fault here. I don't want to feel like this, Saeran. I... I hate feeling like this. I want to be normal and just- Live my life peacefully. With you. But- But why can't I stop thinking all of these bad things? It's driving me crazy..."

After you released all of this negativity into cohesive words, instead of holding it in until it swallowed you whole, you felt relieved. But, another part of you felt guilty for burdening Saeran with all this pessimistic talk like this. You didn't need to look at him to know that he had a deeply troubled expression on his delicate face. Either way, you didn't try to push him away or deflect what you just said. There was no reason to. His hand momentarily stopped its movement, and you swallowed, feeling the bedsheets shift ever so slightly, as he hunched over you.

The next time he spoke, his voice sounded much closer, making your heart inadvertently skip a beat. "Can I... Can I see you, Y/N? Please. If you don't want to, that's okay, but... you need some fresh air to help you breathe better."

Pursing your lips together, you nodded, clutching the pillow to your chest. You didn't resist as he carefully found his way around the blanket that was wrapped so tightly all around you, you wondered how you even got this tangled up in it in the first place. Finally, after a few awkward movements of your numb limbs, you could feel the weight slipping off of you and fresh air rushing into your lungs.

Wow. He was right. It was definitely way too stuffy in there for you.

Saeran didn't hurry you to get up, but instead sat beside you quietly and gently caressed your back without saying a word while you cried into your pillow. You knew he wanted to say something. The only reason he was so silent is to avoid overwhelming you with his words. As always, he was way too patient with a crumpled mess like you. Either way, his tenderness did motivate you to eventually lift your head up from your scrunched up pillow, sniffling and wiping away at your damp cheeks.

"Do you feel better, my love?" He quietly asked, brushing your cheek with the back of his hand. There was nothing but worry in his bright mint eyes.

Your voice was too shakey for your liking from crying, so you nodded again and leant into his warm touch. You did indeed feel better after getting all of this negativity off your chest, as well as getting some fresh air for you to breathe. But... of course, this didn't mean you were feeling okay in any way. You still felt embarrassed and upset about this whole breakdown, and these heavy feelings wouldn't just disappear any time soon.

Saeran gave you a small smile and now fully cupped your cheek, but he didn't go any further than that. So respectful, as always. He sounded so calm and composed amidst your raging emotions that you automatically hang onto his every word, like he was your lifeline. In a way, he truly was. "Good. I'm sure it was painful to keep everything bottled up like that... Do you want us to talk about these feelings you're dealing with right now?"

"I think... I might be too tired for that. But... We can talk about this tomorrow morning. Maybe." You mumbled awkwardly, feeling a bit self-conscious about the prospect of discussing this incident any time soon. Saeran was right, though. You two needed to talk about it, or things would only get worse, not just for you, but for him as well. It was unusual. Accepting someone's love and care like that, as well as being so open with your inner struggles. But, you did want to try. If not for yourself, then for Saeran.

Sniffling the last of your tears away, you did your best to keep your focus on the young man beside you instead of any insecurities still buzzing around inside of your head. "And... I'm sorry. For not telling you anything right away. I should've-"

Before you could finish your thought, he gently kissed your forehead and now his other hand was also cupping your other cheek. All you could do was gasp, feeling your heart pick up the pace from such a lovely gesture. Leaning back, he rested his forehead against your own, steering all of your attention back onto him and him alone. You could see how much he wanted to say: it was all written so clearly on his features in the dim lighting of your bedroom.

"There's nothing to apologize for, flower. I know you're not ready for us to talk about this now, but... It's okay to not be okay sometimes. My love for you does not require you to be someone else or do anything you don't want to do. We can figure it out. Not because we have to, but because we want to. I love you as you are, just like you love me as I am. I know it can be hard to believe in that sometimes, especially when all love you've experienced before was conditional... But, we can take it at one step at a time. Together. We have all the time in the world now to love each other and ourselves as we are. And, I'll be by your side on every step of this journey, holding onto your hand tightly whenever you need me. That's what we promised to each other, right?"

You had faith in him in your heart. He wasn’t saying this out of mere pity or any sense of obligation to you... No, those were his earnest thoughts and feelings he decided to share with you on his own accord. It was okay to mess up sometimes, and it was okay to have bad days. Saeran had his low moments just as much as you did, you knew that fact all too well. You never judged him for that. You never judged anyone out of the RFA for having bad days of their own. So, why should he do that to you?

Maybe... you let your inner demons get the better of you today. It's not a good idea to punish yourself for that, though. After all... the thought of you being a burden unworthy of love wasn't planted into your head on its own. It was simply easier to justify the hurt you were given by believing that you deserved it, even if it didn't make any sense in hindsight. It was hard to accept that all the bad things you had to endure happened without any grand reason to them. It didn't feel fair.

"...Thank you. I was in great need of hearing something that." You acknowledged, letting out some of the tension that was still in your system with a deep sigh. It wasn't easy. Some part of you still protested and squirmed deep within your mind: demanding to be heard, urging you to throw away his hopeful reassurance and interpret it as nothing but a lie. But, you did your best to ignore it. Thankfully, now Saeran was right here to hold you in his arms, and he was a hundred times better than even your most favorite blanket.

He appeared to appreciate your response, his smile widening ever so slightly before ultimately pulling away. Although, it wasn't long before his hands took hold of your shaky palms, his fingers interlocking with yours in such a simple, yet lovely way. "I'm happy I could help, my love. Now... why don't I help you take a warm bath? I'm sure you feel exhausted. And, it'll be good for you to eat something."

"That would be lovely, Saeran." You said, slowly but surely gaining some of your former confidence back.

Maybe you'll never get the picture-perfect happy ending you've envisioned for yourself in your daydreams. Maybe you'll never be that ideal version of yourself you were striving so hard to be. Maybe you'll never know for sure whether or not you were on the right path in life at all. But, perhaps, your reality didn't have to be ideal for you to find solace in it. This moment in time wasn't perfect or pretty at all, not from a traditional standpoint. And yet, your chest swelled with a warm, ticklish sensation as you sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for the water to fill the space and listening to Saeran talk about his day.

Maybe, you didn't need to be perfect to find solace in the little things life offered you, even in the darkest of times.

Even though you had heavy limbs, burning eyes, and a pounding headache to deal with, you found peace, a tired smile slowly appeared on your face. The feeling of Saeran's hands in yours, the sound of his voice, the view of his warm eyes gazing into yours with nothing but care and affection swimming within them... It all felt so imperfectly soothing to you.

[mintflavouredwhump]

An aspiring writer whumpee who has sunk into writer's block that has lasted for weeks/months. It seems a little embarrassing to say out loud but the immense inactivity has negatively impacted their self-esteem and has them convinced that they will amount to nothing in their life and that they'll die without ever writing a masterpiece that the world would celebrate or at least acknowledge.

[xxgraveyardwolfxx]

Am I the only one who hates how I was as a child? Like people are like "be kind to yourself because you're talking to them too" dude that kid was weird af I'm not gonna be kind to them

[onlyfangz]

it's wild to me how much taking care of yourself really does help. i feel like im stating the obvious, but i really didn't believe anyone when they told me its worth the extra effort. and when your brain is on fire, it really IS extra effort. and to be clear, it's not that im mentally well. i still struggle with low self esteem and depression and thoughts of self harm (still four years clean!) and its not that its easier in the sense of the feelings that cause all of those issues are less intense, it's moreso that youre not dealing with all the extra weight from not looking after yourself. im not feeling guilty and gross because i smell. im not miserable bc i have to walk over a pile of whatever the fuck to get to my bed. my head isnt constantly pounding bc im not eating or drinking or sleeping (or oversleeping). its not EASY. but im also no longer making it harder for myself. and its not to shame anyone for being stuck in that, i promise, wherever youre at ive probably been as bad if not worse, but goddamn, sometimes the difference between that four year streak breaking and that not happening really is a fucking walk and a shower, and it SUCKS, but its worth it.

[dumblemonchickenwing]

continuation under cut

[liesmultixxx]

i hate everything and most of all myself

[insecure-teen-mentality]

i want my death to be a public execution to finally have a bit of attention

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

TW VENT

TW D*ATH THREATS, S*ICIDAL THOUGHTS, TRAUMA AND ABUSE

I JUST FEEL I NEED TO GET THIS OUT BEFORE GOING OFFLINE

Alright so…I think I am gonna go offline again for another long while, go back into hibernation. I was feeling good at first being back but I can’t help but feel anxious atm. Nothing bad happened to me (surprisingly), but I can’t help but always worry if I may somehow make a fool of myself or mess things up again. I actually did find out whilst scrolling through old onward posts that some of the girls who gave me a hard time had deactivated their accounts. I feel a bit safer in that regard. But it just sort of feels too good to be true you know? I can’t help but feel like there’s a danger looming somewhere.

Idk if it’s just my anxiety, trauma or if my gut is telling me something.

Before I go I just wanna say a few things. Thanks for showing me some support. I know I am not perfect, I am far from it. I have a horrible habit of overanalysing things and getting worked up for little to no reason. For that I am sorry and I am so so so sorry if I ever made any of you worry or even hurt any of you if I ever have any of my bad panic attacks. I have a terrible anxiety disorder, I am not using it as an excuse but just to try and explain myself. I am doing my best to get better and have finally found some therapy and new medication to help.

However I will say there have been times where my meltdowns were necessary, such as when I got called horrible names and got d*ath threats and saw posts with rumours about me or posts calling me “A disgusting freak who should get fucked.”. I think those ones are worthy of crying over because honestly who wouldn’t, anxiety or not? You would have to be inhumanly strong to feel nothing when dealing with all that.

I have a lot of trauma, even before the few mean girls on tumblr in the Onward fandom. I had been stuck in an abusive platonic relationship for a year and the falling out was rough. She got super vengeful and almost destroyed my life in ways I won’t get into. I had people I looked up too suddenly gaslight me and make fun of a scared teenage me who was seeking help when I felt suicidal. Literally an ENTITE fandom harassed me nonstop. I selfshipped with another character before but a lot of people were angry at me for that. They were so obsessed with their own ships that they saw me as something of an eyesore getting in the way of the ships they like, so they bully me for self shipping with him. Some even tried to manipulate me into self shipping with another character who I had no feelings for and giving up on my fictional ex so he can be shipped with another canon character. My abusive friend tried to do that with me and far worse constantly. The onward fandom actually really supported my self ship for the most part. I have nothing to do with that old fandom anymore but it did turn up on my dash and it was more of the same sort of old chaotic drama. It is literally the most toxic fandom on the fucking planet and it destroyed my love for that show. Hell, I even started blocking any blog related to it I see just to help myself feel safer! Part of why I did deactivate my old DA account was because I wanted to get away from all that. I did have a few fans who wanted me to keep drawing for it but I got threats almost daily as well. I wanted to focus on Onward but many didn’t exactly respect that. There was a lot more to why I deactivated but that’s the gist of it.

I won’t get into more details but you can probably understand where I’m coming from with all this. Trauma and an anxiety disorder don’t mix well AT ALL!

If I had to guess I think that is why I am still so fearful of being online. I fear something will go wrong. Either if it’s another bully or if I make another mistake.

I want to apologise to anyone if I have been annoying, stupid or anything like that. I am doing my best to recover and learn to cope with my mental health bit by bit. I just hope you can understand, forgive me and enjoy your life.

I am still drawing and writing as much as I can while offline. So when I do eventually come back it’s gonna be like an explosive of content from me LOL

I kinda feel like it helps too, it’s so it’s not like “when’s the next part coming, when’s the next part coming?” If I already have the next part ready and in the works. Idk, I’m just trying to figure out how to share my artwork while still managing my mental health.

Sorry for randomly venting, I just really really feel I needed to get it out there desperately. Again, thanks so much for showing me support!

I am definitely fucked up in the head but I am doing my best to move forward, it’s just kind of slow is all but it’s better than nothing right?

[rongrii]

me when

me when this eerie feeling my moots and friends will break contact with me any time now because I'm not interesting and good enough to be their friend