#tw loss of free will

[poeteunoia]

"grief is just love with no place to go"

(jamie anderson)

"i this hope grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that i never got to tell her..."

(andrew garfield)

Credits: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: Notes on Grief / C.S Lewis: A Grief Observed / Shannon Barry quote via @academia-aesthetics / Fleabag 2016 / Jamie Anderson quote / One Day 2024 / Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Half of a Yellow Sun / Little Women 2019 / Amanda Gorman, Call Us What We Carry / WandaVision 2021 / Andrew Garfield quote / Ocean Vuong quote, source / Up 2009 / Lang Leav: September Love via @academia-aesthetics / "the grief is never ending but so is the love" monkey meme / commemorative bench plaque in Central Park, New York, photo:© Neva Micheva / Valarie Kaur, See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love / Glennon Doyle Leyton: Love warrior / Hotel Del Luna 2019 / Heidi Priebe: As Long As There Is Love, There Will Be Grief

[amiablesummer]

iv. but where did you go?

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

The Difficult Parts of Being Autistic That I Don’t Talk About Enough…

Neurodivergent_lou

[azeroth]

We must do what it takes to survive We are the same, you and I, I

[llewellyn-baxter]

"Huh.."

Llewellyn's hand braced on a tree trunk and he stood with his head bowed for several moments, trying to shake off the strange sense of fogginess and light-headedness. And his stomach churned... It was the type of sensation that occurred with a sudden unexpected drop. A mist eased throughout the surrounding area and there was a certain smell that couldn't be placed- earthy, for sure, but also weirdly enough, something more pungent. Why did his limbs all feel so heavy and achy? Why was he so tired? The man couldn't really recall what he'd been doing moments before, or where he was even at...

And he certainly had no clue that a faerie portal had just shaved ten years off his life. Ten years taken away with family and friends.

At some point, the tall gentleman began to walk. He wasn't sure how long or what direction, but somehow, Llew managed to wander within the town limits. "Welcome to Greywood.." he murmured to himself with a faintly bemused expression across features newly aged a decade. There was something familiar about this place, too, but that brain fog persisted. He couldn't shake that something was off and yet, there didn't seem to be anything out of place, either. It all looked normal enough. "Excuse me," Llewellyn politely reached for a passerby to stop them, "do you have any water?" He offered an apologetic and uncertain smile. "I'm sorry, I just- I could really use some water.." Boy, could he! Felt like he hadn't had anything to drink in days.

[shitswiftiessay]

This swiftie is such a vile, vile piece of shit.

They’re trying to spread a rumor that Joe either forced Taylor to have an abortion or caused her to have a miscarriage.

What the fuck.

[good-old-gossip]

ISRAEL BOMBS & BUTCHERS CHILDREN in RAFAH

Major Major Trigger Warning!!!!!

[coldagain]

disintegration (TW: ed, abuse, suicide)

Yesterday, you called at two a.m.,

And said you were sorry for disturbing me,

but it's been a rough day,

and you needed a friend.

I said, yes, I would listen,

but could you hear the exhaustion in my voice? The slight irritation?

I wonder.

Because the next moment, you'd changed your mind,

And asked me to rest.

Put off everything until tomorrow,

It's not that big of a deal, you'd laughed.

Last Wednesday, after school, you had asked me to stay,

broke down in the washroom, hands gripping the sink till they turned white,

You said they have been harsher lately,

That you've gone without food for a week.

I asked, why, and you didn't answer.

but could you hear the terror in my voice? The raw fear?

I wonder.

because the next moment, you were smiling in that heartbreaking way.

I'm here, I said, as I held onto you. I'm here.

I could barely speak over the lump forming in my throat.

Last month, before class, I asked why you loved all the people who could never love you back,

Why you give so much of yourself to them.

You looked startled for a while, and then said,

It's better than being lonely.

I asked if that actually was true, and you kept quiet.

but could you sense the regret in my words? The tension that followed in the silence?

I wonder.

because the next moment, you'd smiled too widely,

And told me that they were better than those pretending to care,

At least, you're prepared.

At least, you know.

Last year, after your swim meet, I asked if you were ill,

You'd grown thinner, and you'd refused your favorite burger,

You promptly said that it was nothing.

That you just didn't feel like eating anymore.

I asked, why, and you simply shrugged.

but could you hear the surprise in my voice? The shock?

I wonder.

because the next moment, you'd shoved a spoonful of salad in your mouth,

and had to rush to the washroom in the next.

I pretended not to hear you throw up as I searched the stalls,

When you came out, I said only then, “you're beautiful just the way you are.”

You smiled helplessly. “Must I be?”

Tomorrow, after your funeral, I'll ask if that was absolutely necessary.

If you're truly happy now, wherever you are.

You'd say that you are, no doubt,

I know you well enough to have learnt your lies by heart.

I'd ask if you would miss me, and you'd keep quiet.

but would you hear the pain in my voice? The remnants of regret and salty grief?

I wonder.

because the next moment, the time would be up.

They'd put you six feet under earth, and away from all that has hurt over the years.

Away from me.

Away from you.

I still love this person, present tense. please take care of yourselves.

[aropride]

okkkkk who wants to help me with my awesome #classwork. Basically we have to pick a health related research question abt media messaging around whatever health topic,and then we have to do a mini study and collect data and analyze it . for mine im thinking of doing fitness and weight loss and how advertisements vary based on whether theyre directed towards men or women but idk how to collect that kind of data? At first i was thinking making an instagram account and looking up stuff abt fitness and weight loss adn then writing down what ads i get but that doesnt guarantee i’ll get re;levant ads- then i thought of finding the sketchiest most ad ridden sites possible and writing THOSE down but that just seems like a bad idea- most recent idea is googling like, “how to lose weight men” or “how to lose weight women” and analyzing the first results but that’s not really Advertisements-which i guess it doesnt Have to be but that means changing my research question a bit. Im also not sure what my variables would be? Also i only have like . 12 days? To do it . im gonna lose my marbles. But my specifc question is Are there better ways to go about collecting data on this that im just not thinking about? other than like, rotting away on proana instagram reels or giving myself viruses

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

"yes im so fine"

*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*

[doralovesgames]

BlueSky has a trend going where you post 20 games that influenced you, for 20 days, with no comment or context, and I wanted to drag that over here. However, I wanted to focus specifically on indie games only. I got my start in games as a journalist in the Flash era, and there was such an incredible array of creativity and passion on display. Many of the games I played and reviewed have stuck with me well over a decade later. So I wanted to celebrate some of my favorites. So here's Day 1: The Fabulous Screech, by Jonas and Verena Kyratzes Free to download, or play in your browser on Newgrounds or Kongregate! http://landsofdream.net/games/the-fabulous-screech/

[they-of-fixation]

Die Alone Together [Placeholder Name; DRAFT]

A Cult of The Lamb fic (my AU)

There I lay, crouched in the grass, clinging to myself desperately; falling, falling, falling... my mind miles below the soil in which I cowered. The moment I fell to my knees, there became of time this... dissonance, a rift between it and space, and though the ground caught me, I never quite stopped falling- falling away from myself, from this place, and into a memory; miles away from here, years, suspended in an unreachable past and yet frozen in the present. For my dissociation, I could hardly think but one thing:

I was too late.

They're all-

I could scarcely hear myself screaming, nor could I feel the tears stinging my cheeks, nor the burn in my lungs or the ache in my legs from the fighting; my body did not and does not feel like my own. I am not in it. Everything felt distant as I held myself, and as I drew the corpse of one of my own to my chest, I realized how far this place had become from my home.

'They're all dead.'

And I will never get them back.

I don't know how long I laid there for, but I do remember thinking myself damned to the same fate, trapped in the same place; that I'd die there, alongside my brethren, eventually- in some way. I couldn't bring myself to leave them, not even to stand, and had little reason to think anyone would find nor save me. I was alone in the depths of Darkwood, miles away from any living thing- who could possibly hear my crying? I could hardly hear myself, and any person who might would surely, in devotion to the Bishops of the Old Faith, to the Worm, Leshy, end my life.

That is, or so I thought.

There was movement, rustling, in the brush surrounding me, and I was suddenly aware of just how loud I had been mourning, and, consequently, of the fearful silence that followed- but I did not move. I was not frozen in fear, at least not completely, more I was complacent; maybe someone had heard me, and I was going to die here. In a way, I deserved to. Perhaps dying the same way my friends, my found family, had would honor them, perhaps it would free me.

So I stayed. I stayed right where I was, amongst the remains of my community and embracing the body, only turning my head up to look in the direction of the sound, to see my assailant and face them head-on, if only for a moment. I dared not stand nor speak, I just patiently awaited in trepidation whatever fate it'd be to befall me.

It was quiet again for a moment as I stared into the shadowed flora, but then, not only could I hear the crackling of leaves on the forest floor, I could see someone, something, moving towards me. I drew in a sharp, panicked breath despite myself and held it as I watched the cloaked figure step into the clearing and catch sight of me.

I could feel my breath hitch yet again as I made eye contact with what seemed to be a child, at least no older than me, donning the crown of my god, and... not just a child- at that, a lamb?

I knew my face betrayed me; I was never known for my poker face, and despite my position, now was no different. I could not hide my confusion, for it had been years since anyone had seen a lamb. I thought- as we all did- that the Bishops had caused their extinction. The lamb's eyes were dark, stoic- nearly expressionless, if not for the silent and subtle shock at the sight before them; had it been any darker, I would not have noticed. I stared back with exceptional surprise but equal intensity. I did not ask.

Neither did they.

"What is your name?" They spoke softly, their hooves visibly unarmed and reaching towards me in, be it genuine or not, seeming good manner, the bell clasped to their cloak jingling quietly with every step.

"What are you going to do with me?" I diverted; they were a lamb, a living lamb, likely the last of their kind- and better yet, their crown… not to mention that they held no weapon that I could see- but even so, after everything I had gone through, and they as well, I could not be certain of their intentions. It was not in my favor to let down my guard, not with such ease.

They blinked slowly, taking another step my way. "Be not afraid, I mean well. Did he," Their smile faltered, no gesture necessary. "do this?"

"...If you mean Leshy, then I suppose. At least, his following. I," I felt my brow furrow as I forced myself to speak through gritted teeth. "was not here to see."

"Ah."

"You didn't answer my question." My voice cracked; for my tears earlier, I could hardly speak. It was only then I realized that I had never let go of the body- and with this realization, instinctively, I pulled it closer to me.

"Nor did you answer mine."

A beat.

"Your name?"

"Oh. My name is..." My hesitance was not to save face, nor to deceive- I could give a false name to “protect” myself and hide my identity, but if this lamb were to kill me, pretending would do nothing to lengthen my life, it couldn't truly protect me- rather, I was weighing my options, deciding my fate in the only way I knew I could. To continue as I had, or-

I looked down at the doe clasped to my breast: her eyes, lifeless, and lips slightly parted by her final breath. “Fern. My name is Fern," I decided, to honor her, not a lie now that it'd been spoken, but not the truth. If they meant what they said, that they were not here to hurt me, maybe, just maybe, this would be my chance to start anew. I did not turn my head to the lamb again; I let my eyes flutter shut and my head hang low, loosening my grip on the carcass to hold her face in my claws.

“...And yours?"

I could barely choke the last two words out.

"Fern… a pretty name!" Their smile, so mellow, in stark contrast to the death around us, struck me- I could not decide whether it was comforting or off putting in the moment. Again, they reached out their hand. "You may call me Lamb.”

This time I did look up; I watched them cautiously, my eyes shifting from their outstretched hoof, which I still refused to take, to their face.

���Just… “Lamb”?’ I thought to myself, but said nothing. The question, I decided, was one likely better left unspoken.

“Okay, Lamb- your turn.” I interjected, changing the subject, or at least trying to, for what time now I had lost count. “What do you plan to do with me? Why spare me and not just kill me already?”

“No one deserves to meet a violent end. You deserve to have a choice in the matter; I can't, however, deny having an ulterior motive,” their smile never faltered as my eyes burned a hole through their own. “Would you rather me kill you, or to run away and hide before I have the chance? Or rather, the most forgiving of your options, would you like-” they adjourned, their eyes glinting wildly, still holding contact with my own. “to join me?”

“...Join… you?”

“It isn't safe in Darkwood- though I needn't tell you that- and it isn't much safer in any other of the Bishops’ domains. I can offer you shelter; for a price, of course, but a small one. All I ask for is your loyalty, and your devotion- to me, and to my god.”

“You're asking me… to join your religion?”

“Offering, yes. I won't force you. It is your decision, after all- granted, it is the safest, and in my… qualified opinion, smartest choice of the three.”

“And if I decline?” A face on my behalf, more out of curiosity than defiance.

“Again, I won't force you. But would you truly rather die, or spend your life running, only to lose it to one of them in the end, than to stand by my side? A side you should, in theory, have no hard time taking?”

Any argument I could have made, not that I had one nor any intention of refusing (because what choice did I really have?), was instantly, with ease, brought to a screeching halt. Their honesty, their sharp words and rightful, righteous confidence shook me thoroughly, to my very core; that last statement, a confirmation of my only suspicion. They didn't ask, but they knew. I said nothing, but they knew, and when the realization of their admittance donned on my features, they were more than aware that I knew, too. It was like telepathy, a secret passed silently between us, fate drawing me in.

“I am tired of running.”

“Then? I’m giving you an opportunity you can't possibly refuse.” Their expression darkened, their smile, different now- more serious, more grave; the weight of my situation coming back to me once more, and hitting me like a freight train. “Take my hand and join me, join my cult. You will be safe in the commune, and you can take your life back into your own hands.”

And with this- I looked again from their hoof to their twisted smile and somehow, despite the ominous air about them, emanating from the red crown atop their head, I knew that I’d be safe, or safest, with them- I, reluctant to let go and with a final embrace, laid the doe down in a patch of softer looking grass, and took the Lamb's hand.

[withinkandquill]

Surprise starter for @conduitandconjurer!

———

Heart thundering in her chest, accentuating the ever present ache that had settled there days before, Roxane hurries forward towards the tall, lithe figure moving through the crowded street. With a boldness that is somehow both characteristic of her and yet, simultaneously not, she reaches out, grasping the man’s thin wrist before the crowd can swallow even his unique likeness.

“Klaus? Klaus Hargreeves?” Her voice - lilting with a heavy Italian accent - wavers with hope and desperation, the two shining in pitch-dark eyes already close to tears. “I don’t mean to bother you, I’m sure your time is very important, I just…can you really see and speak to the dead?”

The young woman almost chokes on the last word, the pain of her loss so new and raw. A phantom of a weight still seems to linger on her hip where she carried her daughter.

“Please, I know you probably do not do favors for the public but…I am prepared to pay anything in return. Anything. I don’t know how yet, but I will make it work. Whatever you ask. Any price. I swear it to you. I just…”

“Please, I know you probably don’t do favors for the public but…I’m prepared to pay anything in return. Anything. I don’t know how yet, but I will make it work. I swear it to you. I just…”

The words die on her tongue, silenced by the threat of any other heartbroken cry tearing from her throat.

I need to see her.

[try1ngtobepretty]

only in uk (i think) !!

first of all, free palestine !! second, i know most people with ana love diet coke- but we're boycotting coca cola !! so instead, i reccomend the boycott friendly version from aldi:

it tastes the exact same (to me at least) and it's still 1kj/0cal per can!!

[no-tengo-ojos]

TW: death, grief, loss, car crash

Going to be completely honest with you all for a minute. I have had a terrible few months in my personal life.

In early September one of my closest friends died in a car crash when he was hit by one of our other friends and as you can imagine, it affected me quite badly. The friend that survived was arrested and none of us have been able to get in contact with him. This happened two days before I started University and I didn't know all of the details of the incident but some of you have noticed that I've been more absent than usual from the blog.

I've avoided talking about it because I hate the fact that it's happened and it's taken me awhile to come to terms with the events. But I can genuinely say that without my wonderful mutuals being the nicest people alive, without even knowing what had happened, I wouldn't be in the place that I am currently.

It's been horrendous but every time I open this hellsite and see your silly posts about spikey blorbos I remember that there are people I still care for and I want to let them know how much they mean to me.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all existing, I wouldn't know what to do without you. And never let anybody make you think that you aren't worthy of the love and attention you deserve. xxx

-Lotte

[good-old-gossip]

Terrorist State Israel TARGETS CHILDREN in GAZA

Trigger Warning!!!