#you lot know but my parents dont so theres that

[no-tengo-ojos]

TW: death, grief, loss, car crash

Going to be completely honest with you all for a minute. I have had a terrible few months in my personal life.

In early September one of my closest friends died in a car crash when he was hit by one of our other friends and as you can imagine, it affected me quite badly. The friend that survived was arrested and none of us have been able to get in contact with him. This happened two days before I started University and I didn't know all of the details of the incident but some of you have noticed that I've been more absent than usual from the blog.

I've avoided talking about it because I hate the fact that it's happened and it's taken me awhile to come to terms with the events. But I can genuinely say that without my wonderful mutuals being the nicest people alive, without even knowing what had happened, I wouldn't be in the place that I am currently.

It's been horrendous but every time I open this hellsite and see your silly posts about spikey blorbos I remember that there are people I still care for and I want to let them know how much they mean to me.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all existing, I wouldn't know what to do without you. And never let anybody make you think that you aren't worthy of the love and attention you deserve. xxx

-Lotte

[thebirdandhersong]

Lol

[lambheartedgirl]

waiting to get a call back from work and income about my job seekers benefit... everyone wish me luck for I am deeply scared....

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[abyssalpriest]

God I could and should write a whole fucking book by the end of this life here on Lev and his symbols

ill write it then burn it before anyone else gets a copy. or i wont. im supposed to be helping him this incarnation here to get a better anchor in this plane so maybe it would help more than itd be weird - im just getting from him the energy of "yeah no people already effectively have these things, people on my plane already know me inside and out to an extensive degree, may as well have it here too" you know. fair

[chalkodareal]

bro u have no ideaaa i’ve been a sifl and olly fan since 2012 or 2013 [i was literally 6 lmao whoever let me watch the little youtube show was actually insane] and i’ve been following the tag on here since 2020!!! i’m just now seeing little crumbs on here and im SO HAPPY ur fanart is everything 2 me 😭‼️‼️

OH MY GOSH HANK YOU SO MUCH geeheehee. my mom showed the countdown show episode to me about 2 years back and i didnt really retain anything from it except for weird day which i listened to a LOT although not doing any reasearch into sifl and olly. about 3 months ago the song popped back into my head and i suddenly remmebered hey. im not doing anything. might as well watch sifl and olly. been into it since then and while its not usually a primary interest i really like the show!!!! so rare to see anyone else even know what it is so i was super excited by your tag

[computerpeople]

i kind of dont understandd a lot of the way people talk about asexuality

[cornflowercanine]

oh yeah also almost forgot to post that one year ago today i moved out of utah. i went from constantly tired and 8ody Hurts Randomly All The Time and Gets New Minor Illnesses Monthly and Starting to get heart issues to like... i've only gotten sick once since i moved out. any pain i get is just from workin lots. ive gained TWENTY POUNDS(!!!) pro8a8ly more since i moved out (REALLY GOOD). i finally have irl friends :) and we go out shopping or to eat at least once a w33k, every other w33k X) literally every8ody in my store that i talk to loves me and is happy to s33 me and gives me compliments :D i kinda cant express how huge a deal it is for me to 8e a8le to Go Outside and TALK TO PEOPLE nevertheless MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM!!! 8ut god this was kinda all i ever wanted? this was like the 8aseline thing? people are just as nice as i thought they'd 8e and my parents were wrong X) i am way more lova8le than anticip8ed even if i do get confused easy and am slow at some things people still WANT me there :D i have my own money now and can do whatever i want with it and i have :) a lot... in savings and i plan to learn to drive this year and move out next year or so!

LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS EASIER WHEN YOU DONT HAVE YOUR PARENTS 8REATHING DOWN YOUR NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY A FUCKING MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[itsalwaysdark]

okay sooo 1. once little man is done with my laptop i need to do the ssn shit bc i have the letter 2. in an hour i need to switch my laundry to the dryer and at Some point i need to sleep preferablyyyy i oush as long as i can its been 28 hours i Think? since i woke up i dont avtually remember its all kind of a blur i do have a headache and my fuckshit tooth is bothering me but whatever . once i get the ssn login thing done im pretty sure i can get a new card like right away and then once that gets here i can go and get my permit And by then my new glasses will be here which is epics and ummm at some point not today bc im tired and have a headache aka not at my best. so once those 2 things r not the case i need to do the science and math ged practice tests ive been putting them off bc im scared ill do bad SKULL.but i need to get those done ... and omce i have the permit and everything thennnnnn i can go do my actual proper ged tests and once those r done ill have my ged and an id and thus can start applying for jobs again And ill be so brave and ask my mom to teach me how to drive . YIPPEE

[snekdood]

idc if ppl think im problematic i just want it to be for the actual real reasons i am

[playingonedchess]

[redacted] most stupid city why even bother

[bmpmp3]

i NEEED to be more annoying about being mixed race in public i keep forgetting how dire it is. sometimes i point out stuff in like visual culture classes about like a magazine cover with a biracial model or something and it blows peoples MINDS because the whole class forgot mixed people were real

[chooey]

came out to my friends like a week ago i feel good i feel like i can finally be Known

[strab3rr]

(long story and no short sorry) GUYSSS I DID ITT

I INDUCED IT!!!!! I WAS PURE AS A FUCKING BABY

IDK WHAT TO SAY (ok enough w capslock)

i have so much to say and not a thing at da same time idk how

anyway i want to begin with thanking you @b4ddprincess bc youre the reason i realized why i started this thing. thank you for making my life better and make me realized what i need to do: nothing. (its same for you guys, all u have to do is nothing)

two fuckn years ago i said to myself that i need a better life, quiter life, less fight with everthing bc everything was so loud and not clear i was feeling lost like a child in the market, and i wanted to make things better for myself in every way, but the main idea of my reasons to wanting to get in the void was: making anxiety go and having better people in my life. but the ''voidlist'' just never stopped bc im kinda greedy(having the idea of controling on your life, the idea of that power makes you greedy. yes thats a thing) anyway the more i add to the list the more i feel like im movin away from my desires then i feel depressed bc ive overcomplicating it bc theres so many things to do but i dont do anything so nothing happend bc i was waiting to be someth happen. and then i started doing awkwardly silly things such as: void routines and challenges and (im embarrassed of this one bc i was too desperate) drinking water

youve read it correct drinking water.

i was sooo desperate for having those things id do anything to get them.

i am simple. i want what everyone wants🎀🎀🎀: shifting realities bc i have so many crush and i need them to be crush me in bed(for 2020 girlies)

being an academic weapon is so easy for me🎀(bc of the urge to make my family proud) +dream collage

being the girl that everyone gets along w(basic needs)

being the girl who is pretty not cute(trauma response)

glowing aura(cats loves people w glowing aura yes thats a thing too)

dream body n hair(bc i deserve this🎀)

healthy (girlyfriend)friends(basic needs)

and of course him, my sp(i cant tell wich one at that time but i releived that its not him now, bc MY BELOVED CURRENT BF. guyss he is the one. dont u dare ask me how you know? i literally manifested him🎀)

then i realized i can have everything bc its my reality so why not add these:

new phone, +macbook air

dream apartment of my own

pinterest closet

lifa app for this reality

financially free-money(a lot. like really a lot)

knowing 4 languages like a native person(bc i want to be diplomat so bad) +sign language(its in general)

a little drama(its not gonna hurt anybody)

my parents being more lovable and away from me

every time i try to get in, either i was failing or falling

and im sick of it, sick of it so much i quit.(for a year)

then i go to the theraphy(ofc no im jk ilove being crazy)

one day i saw a post ss from tumblr about pure consciousness on pinterest and i was like whaat is thiiss. no mention of void so i thougt its a diffrent thing and i download the tumblr again and search everything abt it. and same excitement again after one year same thougts and same list popes up in my head. and i was like ok maybe this time itll happen.

still waiting to be someth happen so nothing happend, it was such a waste of time trying to get in while i was already be, i was already what i want to become. i was that girl that everyone gets along with but i couldnt even see bc i was too focused on wanting to be. but still tried every night and failed. and again tried-failed-quit circle bc.. have you ever met me🎀

4 month ago i saw the girl, iconic blogger and the goddess of my dreams, her @b4ddprincess thx again love u so much

a post pops in my fyp and i see the words ''pure consciousness'' i was like noo not again. and i was serious abt it i wasnt gonna read the whole thing but it attract me n i couldnt resist it so ive read it from the top to the bottom. and she got my interest so i stalked her page from the last and to the first post. it was quiet a beautiful journey for me. lasted like 3 days, the end of the 3rd day i was ''woaw it was this easy all along? u cant be serious.'' she was. i tried one last time, no breathing exercise, no ridiculous routines and no waiting something to be happen. it was just me being real me chilling out asf.

and it was this easy and it should be this easy bc being your 4d self is being nothing also being everything at the same time. if u wanna be everything you should be nothing first(as wizardliz saying: drop the old story, leave the victimhood, for being better stop being bitter etc.)u should make a space for everything first and then u can be everything.

for being 4d self of yours stop being your3dself.

sooo long story (no)short i am writing this from my mac in my new apartment(in middle of the night bc i couldnt sleep and then one tumblr notification reminded me i have a success story to share too) and my phone buzzing two minutes a time bc of my friends while im writing this, so if theres anything wrong ignore it pls.

oh u asking my bf how cute, hes sleepin in my bed now, exhausted from the work n school balance.

YWS SCHOOL!! im in my dream collage and im going to be in paris for a week. i deserve a vacation i guess(its for another conference), i kinda hate french men bc theyre so mansplaning(not like how i imagined, its hard to be friends w them)girls are cute but i feel like theyre aware im not permanent there so we just con buddies still cute and hepful for this foreigner.

and i canceled the lifa app thingy bc i can be my purest consciousness anytime i want, so i am my lifa app.

and thx to 4 languages i make a lot of money and that brings us to the pinterest closet, yesterday i realiased that. theyre not comes to me w an imaginary way like i imagined! i go outside for shopping casually and theyre there luckily i have enough money to buy them.

and my family theyre living in our hometown now so as i want it to be, we are away from eachother.

and the most magical thing: SHIFTING REALITIESSS

i did 5 world before i met w my bf. it was such a wonderful experience. if you have doubts abt shifting you can go fuck urself

because sir i did it and i am very sure that dean winchester being my husband is not a daydream, fantasy nor lucid dreaming. believe it or not he kissed me GOD HE KİSSED ME(someone should stop me i have a bf)

is there anything i missed let me see.. cats i have 2 cats now and theyre adorable. glowing aura-check

the girl who is pretty not cute- check +make anxietygo-checkcheckcheck

dream body and hair- check and check

i wanna give u a info i didnt have all my desires by being my4dself

not directly actually. but i have them all. and thats the point.

im not trying to be a blogger but if you have any question abt anything, id be happy to help

now i need to upgrade things in my farm byeess

loves, siena.

[northstarscowboyhat]

SOCK YOU ARE TOO GOOD TO ME

HI @northstarscowboyhat I THOUGHT ABOUT THEM TOO HARD AGAIN. Wanted to draw them both in dresses and then it spiralled

Lucky Clover AU plus Flo lives in my brain rent free I have. So many thoughts. How is Flo not dead here????? I don't know don't ask /j

I love the like- extended family dynamics here. Lots of new people they get to stay with. I think when Flo and Clover reunited, Flo immediately would have been like "well me and my sibling are back together. I'm taking them we're going I'm taking care of them goodbye" and everyone was like. You're 14. And they immediately expect Clover to stay with them and possibly Alexander instead of their new family.

They're a very independent kid (because their parents, who I do have thoughts about, sucked) and they've been caring for Clover for a long time and they're not used to Not having that role. It would take them a long time to even accept and call Alexander their dad (or anyone else their family) because before, all they've had and needed was Clover. Their first dad was awful. Useless. They're independent, they don't need this, and they think they can't just pick a new one. But when they're older they'd definitely have grown past that. :]

I think the dynamic between Starlo, Ceroba, Alexander, and Marth would be interesting to explore as well but this post is long enough. SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE I'm not normal about this AU. BYE BYE

( Alexander was beaten in a fight (belongs to) by @capt-summer )