#tw benzo talk

[apologyacceptedcaptainneeda]

I’m so scared to get a new psychiatrist. My last one was horrible. She was not good. She reality checked me on our first appointment, which sent me spiraling. She made assumptions about my symptoms and gave me no time to tell her she was wrong. She didn’t take into account all my symptoms and which ones were more severe when adjusting my meds. But the thing that pisses me off the most is how she handled adding a med. She flat out coerced me. She placed me on a benzo despite all my concerns and fear of it. She even showed me some graph that showed my risk of overdose, which was low but still there. She also said the benzo was safer than a specific antipsychotic I had been on previously.

Yeah. That was not ok. Definitely not something to tell someone actively in psychosis. Also fucking hell why did she lower a med treating my severe anxiety and severe depression?

When I said I was diagnosed with bpd, she questioned why. On the first appointment. Because I meet all the criteria! That’s why! I was diagnosed! I didn’t pluck it from the air!

Or when she said I’m not schizophrenic. I’m schizoaffective, I know this. I didn’t say I was schizophrenic. She fucking wasn’t listening. She also said I wasn’t disorganized. Ha! I very much am. I have days of intense word salad among other disorganized symptoms that are constant. She didn’t let me explain that.

Also just the blatant disregard for my history. I have past suicide attempts. I am chronically suicidal. I actively self harm. I have a long history or trauma. I struggle to reliably take my meds. I have been hospitalized so many times.

She. Did. Not. Care.

I took myself off the benzo. Yeah. I fucking did. Because I am not ok with being on it. And it is not safe for me to be on it. She put me on it twice a day every day. She gave me on the second appointment three month of refills. Yeah. So it wasn’t a short temporary get through this rough patch med. She was going to leave me on it. How fucking irresponsible.

So I’m not going back to that psychiatrist. Ever. I refuse.

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

3 hours, medium psychological damage, and 1 klonopin later and i can proudly say i made it through that 32 minute video. there is nothing that you can’t achieve in this life 😤💪

[passionslikemine]

Fun fact: When I had my IUD inserted I swore so loudly and creatively in English that the midwife had to actually stop before she got too close to me and catch her breath because she was laughing so hard.

Something about me yelling the phrase “shitcock” really makes people lose it. It’s a fond memory of a pretty crappy day!

[hiisheart]

( i genuinely don't understand why my psychiatrist didn't just have me go back on hydroxyzine again ... esp cuz the doctor at the hospital said he'd give me it/something like it ... )

[milkbean69]

My thoughts on the Yandere Arcane Au

Tw: sorry y'all not good at writing yandere, yandere content

Okay before we get started we need to talk about what this universe of the undersity looks like pre- time skip. Honestly I think that this univers had a lot more progression in term of revolution and a lot less shimmer. Also considering the fact that Vander and Silco were able make up after Vi's death makes me think there was a lot less bloodshed between the two over the years. I mean of course silco when and found the note vander left but the fact that the crew is all laughing and partying together means there has to be new layers of loyalty amongst the crew caused by Vi's death.

Yandere's Vander and Silco:

OH GOD!!!! These two I swear, I honestly feel like in terms of protectiveness Vander would actually be worse. I mean he watched Vi die in the attack so you have that. He would not want to lose another.

If Vander was a platonic yandere, yeah no, your never leaving the Last Drop without him ever again. The trama he has from Vi is crazy. But if it was a romantic situation, he would be a little more lenient.

Now for platonic yandere Silco. I feel like a lot of protectiveness would come from a place of guilt and attonment. I mean his actions killed Vi during the pre-timeskip in this universe and he is probably still feel's guilty for that despite the fact that he has been forgiven.

So I feel like bring a young obsession or kid into the mix, would make him feel like he needs to make amends for what he did. Not only to prove to himself but for the others aswell that no other will die under his care.

Now them as a pair, would go crazy platonic or not. We need to remember something the two are brothers and the the pillars of the undercity. So the levels of communication and partnership are already there. There abilities to unite people would probably be where a lot of the Yanderness of the crew starts to fester. Always having someone with you, eyes and ears all over Zaun, and generally not being fucked with or else you'll have two of the powerhouse's of Zaun on you doorstep.

If this was romantic, they would share, God damn it. I don't know what it is but they would share, I just know it. You would be the king/queen of the Zaun in Silco's eyes, Vander hates it because he feels like if bring to much attention to you. Your always with on or the other. Silco defininatly spoils you, I mean you know he would.

Here me out, I feel like they both also have some fears from what happened to Felicia, so that definitly are supper on edge all the time because of that. One of both of them had to have liked her romantically, I was felling the vibes during the flashback.

Okay but I feel like they would be worse than the adults, in terms of platonic yandere's. Like we saw Vi's death really fucked them up. You would 100% be the Vi replacement. Expecally if you were older than them.

With Powder , it would be the worst. She wouldn't be violent, but more manipulative in certain ways., 100% a guilt tripper. Then would rope the other into it as well. Saying things to you about how you remind them so much of Vi, and there protection is just so you don't end up like her, so you should never leave them.

You probably wouldn't go on jobs, mostly saying in the last drop with Vander and Benzo. Maybe they let you go into Piltover, but you are always with someone. But never in the more dangerous parts of Zaun that have yet to be changed, and you still got to worry about the grey. the wouldn't want ther baby breathing in all that polluted air.

With a younger obsession, your never leaving there sights again. Even if you were a year younger than them, your getting little siblinged so hard. They have so much more experience now and realize all of the thing they did as kids was dumb and dangerous. They probably teach you how to fight just in case they are not there. But that is unlikely considering how mother hen they all are. If you ever when parkouring like they used to in piltover you would get an earful.

Powder and Ekko would make you little trinkets and gadgets. They'd make things to lure you in and bribe you. Or to love bomb you when you complain they are being to overprotective.

They would be so affectionate. Powder and Claggor the most, we all saw that scene with Claggor and Milo during the dance. Honestly I feel like Milo would be affectionate in the annoying older brother way, like ruffeling you hair and picking you. Ekko would be affectionate when you inationating it.

In tems of duos we would have Claggor with Milo and Powder with Ekko. Milo is the one to tease you alot, but he means well. He probably thinks he's the funnies guy on the planet, when in reality it's probably Claggor. Milo seems like the more aggressive on in terms of yandere's. He is the jokester character but see seems more scared that something might happen to you. That make him more aggressive and paranoid. While Claggor is more level headed and perceptive, but don't be mistaken, he has build and is the stronger of the two

Between Powder and Ekko, Powder is the one you need to worry about. She lost her older sister, Powder was the youngest of the group, so in her mind she is kind of filling Vi's role as older siblng, and must protect you like Vi did her. Should someone try to hurt there darling, Powder is the impulsive one but Ekko is the deadlier one between the two. Ekko is calm and more laid back, but he seems like he has the patience to go in for the kill on the first strike. Silent but deadly.

Now with romance, there all into you, sorry not sorry. I actually don't think they would have the company to share a darling. Powder and Ekko, maybe? But Claggor and Milo, definitly not. Milo would be that last to realize that everyone is pinning after the same darling, there all pretty perceptive so it wouldn't take them long to figure it out amongst eachother.

You would never have any partners, they would scare them all away. Powder would be the dustrusstful one spreading seed of dought anytime someone would flirt with you, saying there not good enought for you. Ekko and Claggor would be the intimidating ones, Ekko has the deadly glare while Claggor has the build to scare off any potital suitors. Milo is one of two, he is the one who likes to claim you already taken, usually with him saying he's you boyfriend, or the physical aggression type. He will get kind of pissy wanting your attention kind of annoying the person flirting with you. Then maybe ruffing the person's up after they leave your earshot so you don't see.

They would all try to one up each other in there own ways Claggor is the more laid-back type and lenient of yandere, so he would milk you needing to escape from the other craziness. Powder is clingy type and needs to be near you always. Ekko seems like the silent type, always lurking in the shadows, the man always has his eyes on you and knows where you are. Milo seems like the possessive and aggressive. Not aggressive in the, I'm going to hurt you type of way but someone else for looking at you the wrong type of way.

No matter who you end up with its going to be messy, I'm sure of it.

[knife-em0ji]

Tw medical life and death medical stuff, terminal illness, discussions of withdrawing care, etc. This is tmi probably and directly talking to another person about it feels insurmountable but if I don't scream into the void I'm going to explode

My dad had a hemorrhagic stroke bc of one of his brain tumors on Friday and my mom and I legitimately thought he was going to die this weekend. We had to have the conversation of whether to keep him on life support if it came to that, and we both came to the conclusion that he wouldn't want to live that way. He's a man who has struggled with mental illness his entire life and has been on benzos for over thirty years, among other mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. His main method of coping is staying physical and active, he's extreme Colorado Man because his two loves in life are skiing and cycling. He's kind and gregarious, and already his illness has severely affected his quality of life in all the ways that make it worth living to him. Even the hummingbirds he loves to watch in our backyard have gone south for the year, and I don't think their inevitable return will be enough to convince him to keep going if he's not able to live the sort of life he defined himself by for all sixty three years of his life. The feeders were beset by wasps this year, and I think that might have been some sort of cosmic sign.

On the one hand I know people live happy and fulfilling lives with physical and neurological disability. These are also lives worth living, and people who live them are worthy of support and care with no caveats, just like every other human being. My mother and I would have no problems doing everything possible to keep my dad alive no matter the cost to his ability in certain areas or how much care he would need if he prioritized simply living above all else.

The thing is, he's just not that sort of person. He's not a fighter in that sense. I know that probably makes him a "bad" cancer patient or whatever, and probably makes my mom and I come off as heartless or ableist or whatever. But my dad is going to die from this. You don't come back from stage 4 cancer. Or if you do, chances are slim. Already my dad has become less independent than his 87 year old father who lives alone on a farm with just his dog for company, and I know it makes him even more depressed. My mom and I don't know what the right decision is to make. I know we should have had this conversation with my dad probably already but we didn't expect things to deteriorate this quickly. He was only diagnosed eight weeks ago.

The good thing is that when he woke up in the hospital after the emergency surgery he had to reduce the swelling in his brain, he ended up extubating himself in his post op haze and is breathing fine on his own, and he was even able to stand up and move his limbs pretty well. He's responsive and recognizes people. It was such a relief, considering for about eighteen hours my mom and I thought the worst. But it's also forced us to reckon with all these questions and I'm truly at the point where I think I'm already beginning to mourn my father. I'm also on a completely different continent and thankfully my mom has a great support network of friends and neighbors who are able to be with her, but I want to be there too. I'm seriously considering taking a leave of absence here sooner than I expected but everything is complicated because I need to get my residence permit renewed ASAP, and if for whatever reason they're not able to extend it right there at the city hall they'll have to mail my passport to Brussels for processing. Which could take up to 90 days.

I'm so distraught. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything except go home. I woke up bloated with a horrible stomach ache. But whatever happens happens I guess. I wish there was literally any other way out but through.

[sickbutskinni]

tw: ana and drvgs

i’ve been clean from drugs a year today, but not much feels different. i should be proud, happy, excited. but instead i’m looking for any NA meeting I can attend in the next week to make sure i don’t fuck it up.

i’m in a healthy happy relationship (the same one from before, it’ll be a year on march 7th) but for some reason i feel like i need this illness back, the drugs, the starving.

i was offered benzo’s for my wisdom tooth removal in april and i tried to be smart, i tried to turn it down. but because of my anxiety they want me to take some to calm me down before, i’m worried that actually physically taking the pills is going to cause a relapse. i’m gonna fuck up everything that i’ve worked so hard for.

i’ve already adjusted my eating habits because of an endoscopy i had. they told me not to eat or drink after 12am and since then it’s been so much easier to just not eat. i feel like i’m in control again. i’ve gained weight, healthy weight. i’m 152lbs right now. that’s good for my height. but i feel disgusting. i feel like i never should have let myself get that high up. i want to see bones again, i want to be sick. it’s a sick feeling. i don’t know how to cope with this and i don’t want to cause issues/burden in my relationship.

i’ve been drinking again (which i don’t consider a relapse because i was doing xans and coke so i mean, better of the three) but i feel like i’m slipping, i don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like an issue,

he makes me feel validated and tries to help but i always feel like a burden when talking about my issues because i know he has his own shit to deal with and it isn’t fair to put this on him.

i’m not looking for advice, i just need a private place to vent.

i hope you’re all doing well, and heading on a path to recovery. i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

[ninelivesastrology]

tw: drugs, drugging, domestic violence

One of the most fucked up things my sadistic abuser did was try to pressure me into taking acid for the first time just days after my grandma died. My grandma was literally my mom, so it's like if your mom died.

Like I said, "No," several times and he kept pushing it because obviously, he doesn't take no for an answer ever. He even offered me a half of a tab knowing I wouldn't know what a full tab looked like and yes, he would've given me the entire tab. I was in over my head with grief. I'm just now talking about her in therapy and it's been five years.

In response to me refusing acid, he started getting "Klonopin" off someone and I did not ask him to do that. He told me what it allegedly was and said it would help with the severe anxiety I was dealing with. He wore me down about it. I didn't want to fight.

And after several days of taking it, I refused to take it because I was real life blacking out and couldn't remember anything. He forced it down my throat instead and I couldn't remember anything. Can't tell you what happened, but obviously, he prefers unconscious victims.

I still haven't taken acid, which is a drug I was told he regularly abused when we broke up. The thought of it has always made me uncomfortable, like an 8 to 12 hour trip? Oh and I can't confirm if it was real acid anyway, like he's an unreliable narrator, he just lies. Even goes as far to claim he tests whatever he takes, but that's not true because he doesn't give a fuck about getting high on fentanyl and calling it heroin to my face. There is no more heroin. Everyone's addicted to fentanyl.

When I opened up to someone about the coercion and acid for the first time, they told me he was trying to get me institutionalized, but I didn't tell them everything because I didn't know everything. It took me two years to realize I was probably being drugged with something else.

My ex fiance thinks that he was trying to turn me into a drug addict off the basis of how if it was a benzo (because I can't confirm, I just know it was a white pill), they're highly addictive.

It's stuff like this that looks wildly different to me now that I've been diagnosed with heart failure. I hate that dude and I want him to stay away from me and anyone close to me.

[hotguynextdoor2]

Ch31, 2 Sisters Detective Agency by J Patterson and C Fox

TW: discussion of murder, homophobic hate crime

Okay, so the fatphobia scene felt like it was written pretty well. There was a bit of build up with Rhonda talking about how people saw her as a fat person.

The only mentioned of Sean gayness was

“He’s just messing with you. Sean’s gay.” Ashton said.

Pg 75 of Chapter 20

.

Ignoring the fact that Ashton is outing Sean and he’s being a manipulative ass to the server. Based on his behavior, its implied that he pretends to be straight, including with hiring sex workers.

So.. knowing all this. The group do a “raid” basically entailing them roughing up someone one of the Midnight Crew, doesn’t like. In this case, Vera hates her science teacher, Newcombe.

Newcombe happened to be gay and with his boyfriend when they attacked.

While ransacking the place it’s described as Sean/Benzo trying to be “creative” by spray painting the f-slur to throw off the police, thinking this was a hate crime and not blood hungry teenagers.

At the end, one of the group kills Newcombe.

Like.. dude… Not only do you have the ONE gay character being an all around horrible person and then the OTHER one gets murdered.

*sigh*

Newcombe could’ve been straight. Benzo could’ve been flawed and still been gay without writing a slur.

I don’t see why featuring queer trauma like this is meant to be entertaining.

*slumps in seat*

Definitely going to keep reading but yeah.. this was a bummer chapter.

[Edit 28 Feb 24: so Benzo and Sean are different characters. So yeee.. still think that featuring queer trauma for shock value is dumb but other bits don’t stand]

[bisexual-berry]

One of the worst things about having an obsessive brain is that it’s not just the life-ruining intrusive thoughts, even when I’m doing “well” if something upsets me a little bit more it’s gonna be playing on my brain 24/7. It’s the thing someone said, why they might have said it, what it means in the grand scheme of things in my life and in that particular relationship, what I should say about it, how I should feel about it. I’ll do an entire analysis of the situation, and then when I’m done I’ll go do something else and the second I get distracted my brain will go “hey remember that thing that happened? Better analyse the whole thing again!” Why? Just cause. Just cause it says so. Just to solve it, whatever the fuck that means. Just to close that mental cycle and get that sense of “there, it’s done”, just so my brain can immediatly go “but, is it?”

[alien-strobelights]

Begging this xanax to kick in so i can stop almost throwing up from anxiety long enough to get to my training session. God i cant wait till my body gets acclimated to my new meds so I can calm tf down

[freud1ansl1ps]

relapsed on xanax again, currently bladting lil peep and rolling jays to cope

[brothed]

im back did you miss me

[makeitpoppy]

oh

[arcanethesenuts]

Our Love ~ Part One

vander x reader

warnings: swearing? 

word count: 2k

notes: beginning of my vander series! five parts are planned but i think there may be more. vander deserves sooooo much love so i will give it to him.

Zaun. A place you didn’t expect to be time and time again for more than just helping your best friend pick some stuff up for her inventions. You had seen a lot of the undercity, and you had a respect for it that many upstairs didn’t seem to embody. Especially enforcers, who came down and treated it like it was their own personal trash can. 

You remember the first time you came down here, the elevator gently trudging down the shaft as your friend shoved her hands in her pockets, clearly a little nervous.

“It’ll be fine, Maggie. I won’t let anything happen to you. Besides, Heimerdinger will have my head for not returning his star student safely.” You say, giving her a knowing smile. She rolls her eyes, her shoulders relaxing a little.

“Heimerdinger isn’t that scary. If he tries, you could just kick him. Like a ball.” She answers, snickering near the end. You give her a surprised look, bringing your hand up to your chest to simulate shock. 

“So violent! I wonder what he would think of that.” You say as the elevator comes to a halt, teasing her. The doors slid open, revealing the much dimmer streets of Zaun.

“If you tell him I said that, I’ll kick you like a ball.” Maggie said, her eyes glued to the road ahead, clearly trying to stay focused but lighthearted. The lights from some buildings spilled onto the street, highlighting the grime in the stone. 

“You can try.” You rebuttal, taking the first step out and motioning for her to come. “If we run into any scoundrels you could try kicking them like a ball.” 

“Scoundrels? How old are you?” She asks, letting out a breathy laugh while walking close beside you. Some people paid no mind to you, others stared as you walked past. It seemed no different from Piltover, other than the setting. Everybody seems to care about what you’re doing, no matter where you are, you thought to yourself.

The two of you made jokes on the way to a place you knew as Benzo’s, sometimes the jokes being one sided. You were okay with that, considering the more you talked the more distracted Maggie seemed. On the way to the shop, you saw many different things, people and places. Things you had longed to see that weren’t up in Piltover. The change was welcome, even if it did smell a bit like gasoline and sewers. 

The wooden sign that said Benzo’s swayed, a creaking noise emanating from it. Maggie pushed open the door and you followed her in, looking first at the man behind the counter. He barely even seemed bothered by the sound of the door, his eyes still trained on a peculiar object in his hands as he mumbled out a greeting. 

As Maggie wandered around the shop, you stopped at an old grandfather clock that had stopped working and been stripped for parts. You tapped on the glass, expecting the arm to start moving for some reason.

“Wow! You fixed it!” A highly sarcastic voice said from behind- well- below you. You flinched from the sudden interruption and turned to see a puff of white hair atop a smug little face, his hands holding a wrench and some other tools.

“Oh god, you scared the shi… heck out of me.” You corrected yourself before you could cuss, reminding yourself that there is a child right beside you.

“I’ve heard the word shit before, topsider. You can say it all you want.” He said, the smug smile never leaving his face as he dug through a box right by you. 

“Ekko! What’d I say about you using those foul words in the shop?” The man who you assumed was Benzo scolded, Ekko letting out a sigh of annoyance. 

“That it’s not very mature of me, yeah I know.” He murmured, his brows furrowing as he threw out some gears and random objects from the box. As he threw out more and more things, the exhaustion on the older man's face grew. He sighed in defeat and finally turned his attention to you and your friend.

“Anything you two are looking for?” He asked, not unkindly. Maggie holds up some different ingots and tools, nodding as she sets them down on the table where he was leaning. As Benzo and Maggie exchanged some words and she paid for her things, you wandered a bit around the shop, stopping at different items that glowed or were exceptionally shiny. 

You heard the door open again and saw Maggie holding open the door with her foot, waiting for you to leave with her. You start towards the door and turn your head to look at the man again, nodding in thanks. 

“Bye random people!” Ekko shouted after you both. You heard him continue to rummage through boxes, with Benzo’s voice quietened with the closed door. You let out a small chuckle as you walked past Maggie, an idea coming to your mind.

“I saw a bar on our way here, we should go in.” You suggest, sticking your hands in your jacket. Maggie gives you a slightly concerned look, quickly replaced by impatience. 

“I don’t know, is that really a good idea?” She answers, raising her brow at you. You shrug and give her an amused smile.

“Who knows?” You say, heading in the direction of the bar you saw.

As the two of you come up to the door, you can hear the quiet hum of some music and talking coming from inside. 

“The Last Drop, eh? Hopefully there’s a little more than that, I’m thirsty.” You joke as you push open the door, stepping inside the warm establishment. Your smile barely fades as the majority of talking stops, heads turning to watch you as you and Maggie walk towards a booth. Maggie gives a startled laugh, amplified by her anxiety in the moment. “Have a seat, milady.”

“Gross. Don’t call me that.” She muttered, taking a seat on one of the cushions. 

“Alright, what do you want? Beer? Vodka? Martini?” You ask her, earning a look of disgust from her. 

“How about none of the above? You know I don’t drink.” She asserted, opting to bring out a notebook and jot some notes down in it.

“All jokes, all jokes. I’ll get you a juicebox.” You say as she scribbles away. You head up to the bar and lean on it, looking around for a bartender who’s not there at the moment. Some others at the bar stare at you pointedly, looking down at your clean and well tailored clothes. You pay them no mind as you pick at your thumbnail, just patiently waiting for someone. 

“We don’t have martinis.” You heard someone say gruffly. You look over and then up to see a particularly large man carrying some glasses around the back of the bar. 

“Oh. That’s… that’s alright. I was just joking, my friend doesn’t drink.” You were caught off guard by the man, with his greying beard and his dark eyes. You clear your throat as he settles himself in front of you, hands empty and ready to take an order. Fucking hell, he’s so pretty. 

“What can I get you, then?” He asked, seeming a little bit apprehensive. Well, if you really want to know…

“I’ll just have a beer. Like a pint. Or whatever you have.” He nods, his forearms flexing as he reaches to grab an empty glass and fills it up with an amber liquid. He sets it on the counter in front of you. You give him a thankful smile and he just nods, reaching back to grab a washcloth. “Do you have a juicebox?” You ask. He gives you a quizzical look, an amused smirk tugging at his lips.

“For your friend?” He asks, looking behind you at your friend in the corner, busy pondering. You nod and he grabs another glass, this time filling it with a jug out from below the counter. “No juice boxes.” 

“That’s fine. Thank you. How much will that be?” You ask, reaching into your pocket. He tells you the price and you reach out to give it to him, setting the coins in his large palm. “Thank you again!” You say, earning a mumbled “you’re welcome”. You take the drinks and head back to your booth, where Maggie is still sitting, a perplexed and focused expression overtop her notebook. “I present… juice!” You exclaimed, smacking the glass down in front of her, breaking her fixed concentration.

“What the fuck!” She snapped, her eyes shooting up to look at you with wild annoyance. You sit down across from her, taking a sip of your own drink.

“You’re welcome!” You grinned, looking back over at the bar where the man was talking to the others who were staring so intently at you, clearly much more at ease. I guess he doesn’t like me very much, you think to yourself, setting your head down on your hand. “The bartender is nice.” You commented, watching as Maggie would alternate between sipping her juice and writing, never once taking her eyes off the paper. “He also looks pretty nice, if you get what I mean.” 

Maggie looks up at you with an arched brow, amused. You’re not paying attention though, you’re busy staring at the man himself. She looks between the both of you and lets out a chuckle. “You do you. In the meantime, I will be working out this stupid prototype.”

In the time that the two of you were at The Last Drop, you had both finished most of your drinks, Maggie much more at ease within the bar atmosphere. The bartender had fallen to the back of your mind, the conversation now about something completely different.

“I’m just saying, if we shaved Heimerdinger, would he look like a hairless cat? An egg?” You inquired, earning a laugh from Maggie. The comfort you felt in that bar was nothing compared to the rigid atmosphere of bars up in Piltover. This felt more homey.

“So the bars upstairs not good enough for you pilties? Come to spit on us down here, have you?” A man leans on the booth table, emphasizing on the word ‘pilties’. Maggie shrinks back into her seat, keeping a careful eye on the men behind him.

“Come on man, we just came here to do business and drink. We’re not doing anything.” You insisted, bracing your hand on the table, ready to get up if anything happens.

“Keelin, that’s enough.” The bartender had walked over and put his hand on the man's shoulder, gently pressing him back. “They’re payin’ customers, let em be.” He said, watching as the man scoffed and made his way out the door without giving you a second look. 

“Thanks. I’d hate to see what would’ve happened if we weren’t paying customers.” You said, your awkward laugh filling the silence. Maggie gave you a pained expression as the bartender rubbed his face and sighed, his gaze falling onto you.

“You folks aren’t too well liked down here, and you ought to already know that. Just be more careful.” He said, his gruff voice very welcome to your ears. His hands were also on the table in front of you, him looking down at you with slight irritation.

“I mean, I didn’t really do anything. But yeah, I’ll be more careful, big man. I mean- bar man. I was thinking about something else.” You stuttered out, his face falling into a more and more confused manner the more you talked. You gave him a hesitant smile and settled back into your seat, quietly sipping the rest of your drink.

“It’s Vander, not bar man.” He stated, an amused tone shining through his usually gravelly demeanor.

“Okay, Vander.” You say, drawing out his name on your tongue. You give him a playful smirk as he reaches over to grab Maggie’s now empty glass, his eyes peeking over at you. He lets out a deep chuckle and turns, walking back to his bar. “When are you planning on coming back down here, Mags? I think I could see myself coming back a few more times.”

[luxsmall]

You know that may sound like basic advice but I think most of us never actually do this, but reach out to your trusted friends/family when you're going through a panic attack or an episode of any sort.

YOU WILL NOT BOTHER THEM

Tw : drugs, sh, ed

I was about to cut myself, pop a lot of benzos and binge because I was in a loop of awful thoughts but I texted my brother and he called me, we talked about it and now I'm still sad and fragile but I don't want to do all those things that I would have regretted.

End of tw.

SO PLEASE CALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE.

And if you don't have people who would care for you like that, please contact the suicide hotlines and other helpful services, just don't let yourself stay alone in this because sometimes you just need to hear someone's reassuring words to come back to reality.