#trying to figure something out

[zoyalaisobachka]

Being a cosplayer comes with one certain thing that bothers me (okay, two actually - i also can't wear contact lenses lol) and that is makeup. I'm not even talking about the fact that I'm bad at it. it's about how it makes me tired to wear it. And I mean this in the literal sense - it doesn't even take half an hour and I'm so tired that I could fall asleep on the spot. I can also feel the makeup on my skin. I only wear any type of makeup for cosplaying, cuz even such things like eyeliner or mascara tire me out so fast. Am I weird or is this linked to the AuDHD?

Do you experience this?

[kras-art-archive]

Self portrait

Oc that’s in the works (may be added to Flowering Plague cast)

Anyways these guys were mainly to practice rendering, but also to practice adding. Just a weird amount of detail. I’m really proud of how my self portrait turned out (the colors were the most fun hehe) and tbh the detailing on the Oc peice is also rlly nice :D (oh and i found a new fav brush, that dash line one in the first peice)

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

Fucking fucking fuck

WHY

HARRY YOU MORON

JESSE WAS SAFER A W A Y FROM CENTRAL CITY

HOW CAN HE NOT UNDERSTAND THIS

[filmcel]

if u guys were trying move on from someone would u still interact w their socials and occasionally text them?

[alex-just-vibing]

hahahahahahaha

[shesmore-shoebill]

"I had choice paralysis :(" is a KILLER line.

He's such a comedic powerhouse, I'm glad more people are getting exposed to him :'D

[noblemansdemon]

The two braincells left in my head now try to think hard, of what crowley could say…

I won a battle against art and anatomy, so I decided to doodle something real quickly as a treat!

Show gives me props to use to make cute little moments? Yes please and thank you.

[3targ1rl]

[faggot-bastard]

quick quiestion

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The squad of all time has arrived on scene.

[polypinks]

i need help . . . o(╥﹏╥)o

ok first of all i’m reallyyyyy sorry for not posting on this blog .ᐟ.ᐟ i sort of forgot about it . . .

second of all, i’m struggling with something - i’ll put it under a cut since not everyone wants to see people ramble about their possible disorders .ᐟ

please note that under the cut , there may be mentions of trauma & all sorts of things related to mental disorders; so please assume that anything associated may be mentioned .ᐟ

ok , hiiii .ᐟ so , i’ve been thinking of something that’s been happening for a while now .

i don’t really expect anyone to actually be able to help with this, but i’d like to try to find out . . . and this post might be able to help me get it off my chest + have my thoughts in one place for when i can tell a therapist about it .ᐟ.ᐟ i’m extremely worried about telling people this , so that’s also why i’m posting this here - since not many people know this blog even exists .ᐟ

also , please keep in mind i’m not very sure about anything . . . i’m sorry if i make wrong assumptions or misuse any terms .ᐟ

i’ve always been sort of switching constantly between my favorite stuff - like , i’ve always had a main favorite thing (a special interest maybe .ᐣ.ᐣ i’m about to get evaluated for autism, so this may be the term) , but i constantly switch my second favorite stuff . . . (hyperfixations . . .ᐣ but i don’t know if that term could even apply to me)

for example; my special interest(.ᐣ) in 2020/2021 was danganronpa , but my favorite character would switch constantly (like , to the point i changed my entire layout way more than normal . . .) , and i’m not saying this is a mental issue itself but it did develop into something more

i can’t really remember when i started associating the identity of the character i was currently fixated on with my own , but the earliest time i can remember it happening was around summer 2022 . . . i started associating a character’s whole identity with my own - it wasn’t a delusion and i was aware i still exist , but i was mostly convinced i was that character

i would say it’s just some odd thing happening to me , but it’s happened multiple times , and sometimes it’s the exact same character

maybe my wording 2 lines ago was wrong - it’s less associating and more . . . becoming that character , kind of .ᐣ it like . . . controls everything i do.

it feels real , but yet i can’t stop feeling like i’m secretly just making things up in my brain . . . but then again , i feel like i’d know if i was forcing myself to think this .ᐣ the fact i constantly switch these .ᐣ.ᐣ idk what to call them . . . alters is the term for systems and that’s what i feel like i may have but i don’t feel comfortable using that term until i know more . . . well , whatever , the fact i’m constantly switching is true.

i’ve been looking at countless websites and sources for did & osdd; i feel like the absolutely closest one out of those is osdd-1b , i don’t really have amnesia about the things i do.

my doubts (+ notes trying to figure these doubts out) about this are:

does my trauma actually count .ᐣ (i did have something major at 9 + possibly just . . . emotional neglect all throughout my childhood .ᐣ i can’t tell if it counts but i was just for almost all of my childhood on a screen + repeated stuff recently so maybe that’s why i’m splitting maybe .ᐣ.ᐣ still don’t like using those terms since i’m not 100% sure)

almost everyone is a fictional character (1 is like… a group of fictional characters mashed together . . .ᐣ i feel like splitroject would describe that but i’m also not sure) (the other just goes by my online name and’s the host maybe .ᐣ.ᐣ) (from a small search it seems like this is possible but i’ll have to look more into it - also all my life i’ve kinda found comfort in fictional characters more than my own made up ones , idk if that could play a part .ᐣ)

online people are just influencing me (i proved this wrong earlier in this post about how what i’m experiencing is real and i know i’m not coming up with this since it’s been happening for a while)

straight up denial (i have a MASSIVE fear of being wrong and i feel like that’s where this starts happening . . . i know lots of people say it’s okay to be wrong about yourself but it’s too scary . . . + i’ve always relied on other people to help me discover myself but with a disorder like this it’s hard to seek help from anyone that isn’t a professional - especially when i’m too scared to open up about it) (this also comes from me looking at those fakeclaiming subreddits that say things like “13 year olds can’t recognize they’re a system” (i do think it would be hard - i still have a giant chance of being wrong and even then i’m questioning myself like crazy) and i think it’s just fed me misinformation (not to say other social media isn’t feeding me just as much misinformation))

the “funny” thing is just recently i had a switch where i dissociated which kind of proves that what i’m experiencing is real + i’ve seen several times that denial is common

anyways i think one more thing i need to get off my chest since it’s mostly fictional characters - i don’t think i’m an irl or fictionkin of my alters(.ᐣ) since not only does switching describe it more than shifting , but when they switch they take control , something fictionkins don’t do. also , being an irl means you have psychosis or a delusion or something related to that; i don’t have psychosis.

also, for coping-links; i didn’t choose to have these alters(.ᐣ) , so it doesn’t make it a coping-link.

EDIT!!!! so about switching , when it happened my brain felt a little funny , but i thought i was just overthinking. when i woke up though , my brain didn’t feel like that , even when i was thinking a lot about my brain. also , i was thinking about myself and honestly i don’t really feel like one person. i feel like multiple people. i was also thinking about bpd, but wouldn’t that just change my personality constantly , not me as a person .ᐣ i’ve always preferred referring to myself as ‘us’ when i talk to my mom though , which is strange. i’m not too sure yet though , so i’ll keep doing more research .ᐟ

i can’t really think of anything else to add here . . . i’m going to do more research tomorrow , i just needed to get this down. please reply if i said anything wrong/misleading .ᐟ

[journey-to-the-attic]

"karasu search how 2 cheer human up"

"karasu search difference between sad human and zoning out human"

"karasu search how long is it safe for humans to zone out for?"

(+ a longer look at each scene:)

[lnmei]

👏💥