#do NOT take this as if i’m an actual system since i’m still unsure

[polypinks]

i need help . . . o(╥﹏╥)o

ok first of all i’m reallyyyyy sorry for not posting on this blog .ᐟ.ᐟ i sort of forgot about it . . .

second of all, i’m struggling with something - i’ll put it under a cut since not everyone wants to see people ramble about their possible disorders .ᐟ

please note that under the cut , there may be mentions of trauma & all sorts of things related to mental disorders; so please assume that anything associated may be mentioned .ᐟ

ok , hiiii .ᐟ so , i’ve been thinking of something that’s been happening for a while now .

i don’t really expect anyone to actually be able to help with this, but i’d like to try to find out . . . and this post might be able to help me get it off my chest + have my thoughts in one place for when i can tell a therapist about it .ᐟ.ᐟ i’m extremely worried about telling people this , so that’s also why i’m posting this here - since not many people know this blog even exists .ᐟ

also , please keep in mind i’m not very sure about anything . . . i’m sorry if i make wrong assumptions or misuse any terms .ᐟ

i’ve always been sort of switching constantly between my favorite stuff - like , i’ve always had a main favorite thing (a special interest maybe .ᐣ.ᐣ i’m about to get evaluated for autism, so this may be the term) , but i constantly switch my second favorite stuff . . . (hyperfixations . . .ᐣ but i don’t know if that term could even apply to me)

for example; my special interest(.ᐣ) in 2020/2021 was danganronpa , but my favorite character would switch constantly (like , to the point i changed my entire layout way more than normal . . .) , and i’m not saying this is a mental issue itself but it did develop into something more

i can’t really remember when i started associating the identity of the character i was currently fixated on with my own , but the earliest time i can remember it happening was around summer 2022 . . . i started associating a character’s whole identity with my own - it wasn’t a delusion and i was aware i still exist , but i was mostly convinced i was that character

i would say it’s just some odd thing happening to me , but it’s happened multiple times , and sometimes it’s the exact same character

maybe my wording 2 lines ago was wrong - it’s less associating and more . . . becoming that character , kind of .ᐣ it like . . . controls everything i do.

it feels real , but yet i can’t stop feeling like i’m secretly just making things up in my brain . . . but then again , i feel like i’d know if i was forcing myself to think this .ᐣ the fact i constantly switch these .ᐣ.ᐣ idk what to call them . . . alters is the term for systems and that’s what i feel like i may have but i don’t feel comfortable using that term until i know more . . . well , whatever , the fact i’m constantly switching is true.

i’ve been looking at countless websites and sources for did & osdd; i feel like the absolutely closest one out of those is osdd-1b , i don’t really have amnesia about the things i do.

my doubts (+ notes trying to figure these doubts out) about this are:

does my trauma actually count .ᐣ (i did have something major at 9 + possibly just . . . emotional neglect all throughout my childhood .ᐣ i can’t tell if it counts but i was just for almost all of my childhood on a screen + repeated stuff recently so maybe that’s why i’m splitting maybe .ᐣ.ᐣ still don’t like using those terms since i’m not 100% sure)

almost everyone is a fictional character (1 is like… a group of fictional characters mashed together . . .ᐣ i feel like splitroject would describe that but i’m also not sure) (the other just goes by my online name and’s the host maybe .ᐣ.ᐣ) (from a small search it seems like this is possible but i’ll have to look more into it - also all my life i’ve kinda found comfort in fictional characters more than my own made up ones , idk if that could play a part .ᐣ)

online people are just influencing me (i proved this wrong earlier in this post about how what i’m experiencing is real and i know i’m not coming up with this since it’s been happening for a while)

straight up denial (i have a MASSIVE fear of being wrong and i feel like that’s where this starts happening . . . i know lots of people say it’s okay to be wrong about yourself but it’s too scary . . . + i’ve always relied on other people to help me discover myself but with a disorder like this it’s hard to seek help from anyone that isn’t a professional - especially when i’m too scared to open up about it) (this also comes from me looking at those fakeclaiming subreddits that say things like “13 year olds can’t recognize they’re a system” (i do think it would be hard - i still have a giant chance of being wrong and even then i’m questioning myself like crazy) and i think it’s just fed me misinformation (not to say other social media isn’t feeding me just as much misinformation))

the “funny” thing is just recently i had a switch where i dissociated which kind of proves that what i’m experiencing is real + i’ve seen several times that denial is common

anyways i think one more thing i need to get off my chest since it’s mostly fictional characters - i don’t think i’m an irl or fictionkin of my alters(.ᐣ) since not only does switching describe it more than shifting , but when they switch they take control , something fictionkins don’t do. also , being an irl means you have psychosis or a delusion or something related to that; i don’t have psychosis.

also, for coping-links; i didn’t choose to have these alters(.ᐣ) , so it doesn’t make it a coping-link.

EDIT!!!! so about switching , when it happened my brain felt a little funny , but i thought i was just overthinking. when i woke up though , my brain didn’t feel like that , even when i was thinking a lot about my brain. also , i was thinking about myself and honestly i don’t really feel like one person. i feel like multiple people. i was also thinking about bpd, but wouldn’t that just change my personality constantly , not me as a person .ᐣ i’ve always preferred referring to myself as ‘us’ when i talk to my mom though , which is strange. i’m not too sure yet though , so i’ll keep doing more research .ᐟ

i can’t really think of anything else to add here . . . i’m going to do more research tomorrow , i just needed to get this down. please reply if i said anything wrong/misleading .ᐟ

[messenger-of-babel]

Doorstep Ghosts

Summary: Dick takes you into his apartment when you appear on his doorstep, unable to cope with the recent accident. (Dick Grayson x reader)

Word Count: 1.9K

Notes: Is this even angst anymore? I don’t know. I might have missed the mark a little bit. Warning for sensitive topics and alluded to mentions of suicide. Maddd survivors guilt. If you are triggered I’d suggest to avoid all together just in case. If you are feeling that way, please reach out to someone and call the panic line in your country. There's always someone willing to listen. <3

I had to try and research the difference of whump vs. angst and I still don’t fully understand so I’m just gonna run off of vibes. This might classify more as hurt/comfort actually. Waah idk. Much love, RiRi~ xx

━━━━━━━━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Since the accident, Dick had been keeping close tabs on you.

He had asked Tim if Red Robin could keep a tab on you, even though Tim had his own ordeals to handle back in Gotham. Bruce had even chipped in when Dick asked, transferring him some money so Dick could move you into a safer apartment. Dick hated taking Bruce's money, he could do fine without it, and quite frankly he didn't want to take what he hadn't worked for himself. However, when it came to your safety, he put that aside for a moment. He wasn't going to risk it, so within the week you were in a nicer part of Bludhaven with a state-of-the-art security system secretly set up to ping him if anything went wrong.

He had been so careful, so meticulous about making sure that you were okay that when you appeared on his front step one night, soaked through to the bone and dripping on his doorstep he was stunned. Your eyes were red rimmed and puffy, snot building in your swollen nose. Your arms hugged around yourself to bite back the chill of winter, hair matted to your forehead.

"Can I come in?" you sniffle, quaking. Wordlessly he steps back, arm opening to usher you in and shut the door behind you. His mind is reeling, unsure how you managed to find your way here, halfway across town, without him or anyone back in Gotham noticing. He frowns softly, pulling you into the living room and disappearing to find you a towel. Bringing two fresh ones back, he hands one to you and unfurls the other. Softly he begins to dry your hair while you wipe down the rest of your body, jacket peeling away and making a wet plop on the floor next to you. "It's unsafe for you to be out, especially this late at night. How did you even get here?" He murmurs, squeezing the water from your scalp.

"I took the train." you say back weakly, voice crackly from hours of crying. His frown deepens, fingers clenching in concern.

"You know the train is dangerous on the best of days. No way to get off or go anywhere if something escalates. Not to mention, only gangs use the rail this late. You know better, why didn't you call me?" he chides softly, flinching at the way you hang your head at his tone. he hadn't meant for it to come out like that, he was just concerned for your safety.

"I didn't want to bother you," you sniffle back. "Not to come get me."

"It worries me more when you don't let me come get you. If you wanted company, I would have come to your place-"

"No." you say firmly, towel wrapped around your shoulders and voice firm. "Anywhere but there, anywhere else just not-" you cut yourself off, biting on your lip harshly. He turns you to face him, hands soft as they grip your shoulders.

"No what?" he asks softly. "Come on sweetheart, you gotta work with me here."

"It doesn't feel like home. It's not-" you begin to break into a sob again, and he sighs while rubbing your shoulders.

Home.

He knows how badly you want to go home to your old apartment. The one you had moved into the very first day you set foot into Bludhaven and poured your heart and soul into. The one that you shared with your elder brother, or had.

"I know. But you can't go back there sweetheart," he murmurs, thumbs running small circles over your skin. "It's an active crime scene, and it's unsafe-"

"It's home." you say weakly, hands coming up to wipe at your eyes. "I just want to go home, want to go to my bed in my room."

"You do have a room," he tries to soothe. "I made sure we found you somewhere nice and big, where you can take the master bedroom and have all the freedom to do what you want with decorating it, just like you always wanted."

He can't stand the way his voice sounds so condescending, as if throwing money at the problem as going to make the wound in your heart heal over. He knew it couldn't erase the horrors that you saw or fix the gaping hole in your life. He knew it wasn't going to bring your brother back, but he couldn't find the right words to take the pain away.

"What did you come here for?" he asks gently, crouching down in front of you so he can meet your gaze, heart clenching at the way you hang your head to hide your face. "I've got the spare bed made, or you can share mine. I'll even sleep in the spare room if you want it to yourself, you know I've got the best mattress." He tries to make a teasing remark, but it wavers with uncertainty.

"I…I was thinking." you murmur, hands beginning to quake. His eyebrows furrow, hands coming to grip yours.

"Thinking?" he inquires softly, not liking the ton of your voice.

"If I had been me instead." you hoarsely whisper, making panic flare through his chest.

"It's lucky it wasn't." he counters quickly. "This wasn't your fault, and it wouldn't have made anything better. You're here still, and that means you keep fighting." he stresses, thumbs tracing the back of your hand.

"It wasn’t lucky for him though," you say, voice trembling badly. "It was my fault it happened; it was all my fault. I'm the one who took the photographs of the deal and gave it to him, I'm the one who said he needed to stand up to other police on the force, I'm the one who said he should try to go against the corrupt ones. He took my advice, and it got him killed."

"Sweetheart, no." he tries to stop your rambling. "Listen-"

"It should have been me." you finally sob. "It should have been me, I don't know how I'm supposed to just keep going when all I want is to be with him again." you cry, breath coming out in chokes and eyes clenching shut. Your hands shake in his grip, trying to catch your breath in between sobs. "I want so badly to see him again." you manage to whisper out, voice tight. "I wanna follow, I just want to go."

Dick stands to his full height upon hearing that, pulling you tight. He buries his face in your hair, one arm coming around your back to press you firmly against him, the other on the back of your head. "Stop that." he says firmly. "We don't talk like that; we don't give into those thoughts." His voice comes out stern, but the sharpness of his words is dulled by the panic they're wrapped in.

"I... I know…" you choke out. "I’m... I’m confused Dick. I was convinced but then I got scared about it and I-I…" you trail off, breathing becoming quick and broken by hiccups. "I ran all the way here. I'm a coward, but in that moment, I just felt-"

"Scared." he finishes softly, hand softly petting your damp hair. "You were scared."

You nod against him, sniffling into his worn sleep shirt. "I don't know what to do. I don’t know where to go, where to turn." you whisper fearfully. Dick tightens his arms around you, senses dulling around him as he focuses on you. The sharp intakes of your breath, the erratic ticking of your pulse. "You stay here." he says softly. "With me. You tell me when you're having those thoughts, and I'll make them go away. You won't have to be scared, not when you're with me."

"And when you're not with me?" you ask quietly. He frowns at that, pulling back slightly to look at you.

"Sweetheart," he says adoringly, the faint traces of a warm smile gracing his lips. "Even if you can't see me, I'll always be with you."

Your eyes water more, and you let your head fall forward again. "When you have no one else to turn to, don't forget that you can turn back." he murmurs gently. "Because I'll always be behind you. Always, every step of the way." you say nothing back for a moment, but he holds you as you shake.

"Why?" you ask softly, hiccupping.

"Because I love you." he replies instantly, and you look up at him. Your eyes ware nearly swollen shut from the amount of crying you've been doing, and quite frankly, a mess. "I love you." he repeats. "So don't you dare try to leave, okay?" his own voice wavers, eyes clouding with a sheen of concern. More and more under his soothing you begin to relax, until you're barely standing by yourself. He guides you to bed, helping you change out of the wet clothes and into some of his freshly laundered ones before slipping you under the sheets. He gives you your favourite side of the bed before following suit.

As soon as your head hits the pillow you're out like a light, hand still gripping his softly. He adjusts so he's comfortable, not letting your hand go. With a soft sigh he stares at your worried and beaten form, the worry lines that have formed on your forehead and the bags that have developed under your eyes. You look exhausted, with faint tremors even as your breath evens and you fall deeper into sleep.

He can't even begin to comprehend the horrors that you had seen coming back from work that night, entering your apartment as usual only to walk in on a gruesome scene like that. he had seen it himself, as Nightwing. He had only seen the aftermath though, once the body had already been taken away. He never got to see the body, never saw the carnage that undoubtably the mob had left behind. What he had seen though was the blood splatters over the wall, and the array of household items that were being bagged for murder weapons. He had seen the message scrawled on the wall, crimson letters dripping with a warning. He had seen you, sitting with the paramedics as you stared off into the distance, eyes unseeing as they draped a shock blanket over your shoulders.

He moved himself closer to you, pulling you into him. He wasn’t going to let something like that happen to you, not if he could help it. he was Nightwing, if anything, he should have the power to stop these things. However, the fear that it would slip through his fingers plagued the back of his mind, the nightmare of you fading away like your brother bouncing around painfully inside his skull. He couldn't bear to lose you, not to the mob, not to yourself. He takes a deep breath to try and control his own emotions, careful not to wake you up. As he exhales through his nose, he lets himself relax slightly, gently snaking an arm over you for extra protection. He doubted he'd be sleeping very deeply tonight, but it was the price he was willing to pay to keep you safe.

He'd do it every night for the rest of his life if it meant keeping you by his side, keeping the flickering flame in your heart alive.

He'd keep his arms around you till eternity ended, just so you could know that even if you didn't think you had anyone, you would know you had him.

That is the thought that finally lets Dick flutter into sleep quietly himself, room filling with the sound of the rain outside and the quiet duet of even breaths.

[whizzing-fizzbee]

Flowers on the Grave

Sebastian Sallow x MC Word count: 1,508 Rating: G Themes: loss, sorrow, love, friendship

Summary: After Anne's death, MC reflects on how far they and Sebastian have come since their fifth year. Notes: This is just a short songfic inspired by "Flowers on the Grave" by The Maine. Lyrics are italicized. (Is it annoying when people insert lyrics into fics? I can't decide. Tell me.) Definitely recommend listening to the song to feel the vibe. Not sure if I'll post this to my AO3; just kind of wrote it from boredom.

Despite the heaviness of the moment, the breeze comforted Sebastian Sallow. It reminded him of the person he was mourning because it was just like her – gentle yet assertive. It was a quiet, peaceful morning on the outskirts of Feldcroft. Though Sebastian preferred to stay away from his former hamlet, only one thing could bring him back.

“She loved daisies.”

Sebastian’s gaze remained on the newly erected gravestone but his eyes didn’t register any information to his brain. His mind felt incapable of any thinking, a stark contrast from his usual state of mind.

“She loved daisies,” he repeated. He didn’t know why the sentence was worth repeating, but it comforted him. Probably because it was a fond memory of her.

You lifted your head to offer Sebastian a small, encouraging smile. That was the first time he’d spoken that morning.

Feel the moment all around you. And the quiet that surrounds you. The time you have is sacred. Don't wait around and waste it. They can't take that away from you.

The pain that had seized Sebastian’s body and mind for the previous two days had subsided, leaving him with a new kind of numbness. This was goodbye and he wasn’t prepared for the finality of it all, but somewhere, deep inside the both of you, was a selfish sense of relief.

Anne Sallow was no longer in pain. She passed peacefully in her sleep two nights ago, leaving Sebastian as the sole member of the Sallow family and leaving you and Ominis Gaunt to be his support system just before the start of your seventh year at Hogwarts.

The three of you stood solemnly after Anne’s burial. Her grave site smelled of freshly dug Earth as you laid a bundle of daisies on top of the mound of dirt. The hush that settled over the three of you wasn’t new – you often sat in comfortable silence together – but it felt different. Sebastian felt different. 

Over the past two nights, Sebastian’s grief took many forms. At first he cried in anguish over his dead sister. Then his sorrow shifted to anger, something you were all too familiar with. Finally, he went quiet, which actually scared you more than his previous expressions of grief.

So you handled him the best way you knew how – with gentle kindness, but tough resistance when his words became too cruel or his actions too selfish. You held him as he slept and made it clear you had no intention of ever leaving him.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” Sebastian finally whispered, his eyes still on Anne’s gravestone that the two of you transfigured together.

“You don’t need to know right now,” you said. “You just need to know that it’ll all be OK.”

Everything is temporary, even the sorrow that you carry. So tell me, are you OK? You say you are OK. I'm OK now I'm with you.

You reached for Sebastian’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze, unsure if the gesture even registered with him. It didn’t appear to, but you knew better than to be offended. This was bigger than you.

This was a teenage boy who was forced to grow up far too quickly. He’d been pushed to make tough decisions, some of them impossible and some of them terrible. He’d seen things that many seasoned wizards will never witness. He’d committed the ultimate crime, a sin so terrible, he’d nearly lost everyone and everything for it. Now, he’d lost his twin sister and the only part of his past worth keeping.

You also had suffered loss in the past two years, but none as great as this. Though you had grown to love Anne like a sister, you could never understand a loss like this.

But Sebastian’s hand twitched in yours, a sign of life and a rush of relief. It was his way of saying he was still present with you. He didn’t want you to worry.

'Cause you don't plan life, you live it. You don't take love, you give it. You can't change what is written, so when fate cries, you listen.

“I’m glad she’s no longer hurting,” Sebastian said quietly. You and Ominis nodded, both encouraged by his willingness to speak. “And I’m glad she forgave me. I can’t change what happened and I can’t bring her back, but I can spend the rest of my life trying to make her proud.”

“She loved you,” you pointed out. “Even if her forgiveness took time, she never stopped loving you.”

“It was unconditional,” Ominis added.

And finally, Sebastian’s gaze met yours as you shared a knowing glance.

“I understand,” he said. 

And flowers on the grave of the child that I used to be.

Sebastian’s feelings for you didn’t come to fruition until your sixth year. Of course, he knew they were there. He’d anguished and fought himself over them since the day the two of you took down that troll. But you two spent your fifth year fighting something even bigger, so any feelings beyond your adventures to help Anne and to save wizardkind from Ranrok went undisturbed.

But once the dust of Solomon’s death settled and Ominis and Anne forgave Sebastian, you became focused on returning to a normal teenage life free of death, ravenous acromantulas and goblin rebellions. The only excitement you wanted was solving an occasional Merlin trial or dueling a worthy opponent in Crossed Wands.

Anne’s love for her brother may have been unconditional, but her forgiveness wasn’t. She made Sebastian vow to drop his pursuit in finding a cure for her. You watched him agonize over the agreement but his need to be on speaking terms with his twin prevailed and soon, Sebastian also returned to life as an everyday student.

That’s when Sebastian found life was becoming increasingly difficult around you. Not that he didn’t want you around – he wanted you around all the time, constantly, and that was the problem. His former thoughts of curing his sister were replaced with the constant thought of you.

Soon, he began fighting with the other boys who were vying for your attention until it all came to a head during Potions class when Garreth Weasley asked you to Hogsmeade. Sebastian sent him to the hospital wing covered in boils and when you scolded him, he declared that no one deserved you. You mistook the meaning of his words and during his panicked attempts to clarify his intent, Sebastian kissed you. That was the end of your reign as partners in crime and the start of your journey as two people who needed to be together.

It was summer when you told me that you loved me by the old creek. My ears had never heard that, tongue forgot the words and feet forgot the earth, it's true.

If Sebastian ever needed to conjure a patronus, his happiest memory was the day by the babbling brook. It was early summer before seventh year and he lay with the back of his head in your lap, reading a book as you gazed peacefully at the water.

You glanced downward at the boy in your lap, and though he couldn’t see it with his sight shielded by the book, you smiled. 

“I love you,” you blurted out.

The book snapped shut immediately and went forgotten at Sebastian’s side as his eyes darted upward toward yours.

“What?” he managed.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. How very typical. Ever since Sebastian had made amends with Anne and stopped obsessing over a cure for her, the boyish sides of his personality surfaced. Sure, you’d loved him through his dark intensities when all he could think of was his twin, and when revenge against those goblins had driven him toward dark magic. But his silly, often sarcastic and bemused side had become so endearing to you, you vowed to yourself that you’d do everything in your power to keep him away from that darkness.

'Cause you don't plan life, you live it. You don't take love, you give it. You can't change what is written, so when fate cries, you listen.

“I said I love you, you daft troll,” you repeated.

He grinned stupidly up at you, shifting upward to support his weight back on his elbows. 

“I heard you,” he said. “I just wanted to hear it twice.”

And then he scurried away as you tried to smack him with his own book.

“By the way,” he later told you, after you’d managed to catch up to him and shove him in the water. “I love you, too.”

And flowers on the grave of the child that I used to be.

That moment felt like ages ago, though it’d only been months. Now, that happy memory was temporarily replaced with grief for Anne, but as you stood over her grave to say your final goodbyes, Sebastian’s eyes told you he was no longer driven by darkness.

I was on the verge of breaking down, then you came around.

[modern-day-bard]

Other Duties As Assigned: A Joel Miller AU Fanfiction

Content Warning: 18+ This story includes mature themes such as drinking, stalking, violence, and explicit smut. Minors, do not interact.

ao3 | wattpad

word count: 5.5k

Chapter 22: Out of Focus

Joel

Last week I thought my favorite color was blue. At the wedding, I thought my favorite color was black. Tonight, I’m certain my favorite color is maroon.

Especially when her cheeks matched her dress when I touched her. It had felt wrong not to do so in the moment, despite the fact that realistically, I should only touch Gwen if I’m coaching or protecting her. It wasn’t even a conscious choice…and a hand on the back could still be professional. I think.

Regardless of the implications, I felt like she needed it. Even now, the way she’s dragging her feet through the hallway towards her door. I want to take her face between my hands and tell her just to talk to me, to tell me that she’s scared. That she doesn't want to be alone. But just like when we stayed in her father’s house, I know she won’t.

She pauses at her door, glancing behind me at Jace and Carlos. I instructed them not to go into their room until Gwen was safely tucked away in hers, but her hand hesitates on the handle.

“We’re all set, guys.” I say to them, keeping my eyes on her. “Have a good night.”

As they shuffle away, Gwen gives me probably the shyest smile a woman like her can produce.

“I just wanted to say thank you, for the Daniel thing. I was not in the mood for that tonight.”

“I don’t blame you.” I expect her to open the door now, but she still waits until Jace and Carlos’ door clicks into place.

“I don’t know if this is—standard, or whatever, but do you think you could come inside? Just for a minute. Double check the place or something?”

I try not to be obvious in my relief that she finally asked. “Absolutely.”

Once inside, Gwen kicks off her shoes and makes her way over the modest kitchen. “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? A whiskey you won’t drink?”

I close the door behind us, arming the security system after. “Water, please.”

Unsure of what to do, I look in the closet and check out the bathroom, knowing I won’t find anything of importance. If it will make her feel better though, I’d do it all night.

Gwen sets the glass on the table, taking a seat. I follow suit, taking a long swig. “Thank you.”

“You really put me out, pouring you a glass of tap water.”

I smirk. “My apologies, ma’am.”

Her cheeks deepen again, and I have to start repeating this is a job this is a job this is a job.

“Have you always been sober?” She asks, her eyes curious.

“I’m not sober. I love whiskey, actually. But I don’t drink while I’m on the job.”

“Are you…on the job even now?”

Saying that as if she didn’t just ask me to secure the apartment. “Twenty-four-seven, in fact.”

“That would be exhausting.”

“You get used to it. And it’s worthwhile work.”

“Not if it gives you nightmares,” she mumbles before her eyes grow wide, like she’s surprised it came out of her mouth. “I’m sorry.”

It’s not often I’m embarrassed, less often that I admit it. But even last time we discussed it, neither of us flat out said what it was. The bluntness of it now feels heavy, and almost shameful.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry,” I have to clear the unease out of my throat, “Sorry that you had to hear that.”

Gwen doesn’t look embarrassed. She looks equal parts soft and determined, refusing to look away. “That’s not something you have to apologize for.”

I hold her gaze for another minute before replying.

“I didn’t think you would have heard anything. When you did, I thought you would give me more shit for it.”

She smiles softly. “Not for something like that.”

“I appreciate that you didn’t,” my voice grows more hoarse, “I am surprised that you didn’t ask about it though.”

“I was curious, don’t get me wrong. But it didn’t seem like the time. Especially since maybe you don’t trust me yet.”

Now I’m confused, giving her a quizzical smile.

“The other night, when you told me I didn’t have to trust you yet. Maybe you should ask me something. Preferably something you can’t find in a file from whatever creepy computer people you have working for you back in Texas.”

“My agency is based in Boston, actually.”

“Same thing, still creepy. Ask away.”

I eye her, one of her eyebrows raised, elbows bent on the table, leaning forward like a cat watching its prey. Wanting to play a game.

“Alright,” I rest one of my arms on the back of the chair next to me. “Why do you hate slow dancing?”

“What?” She laughs, “I never said that.”

“Yeah, you did. Gave me a decently long explanation for it when we were at the wedding.”

Her face pales a little. “Right…”

I watch her take a few breaths, trying not to get lost on how perfectly that dress suits her. “Still waiting.”

Gwen lets out a long, exaggerated sigh. “I just never understood it. I think it’s boring. I love to dance when it's fast paced but it’s just so drawn out, and you have to face the person the entire time and keep your hands in the right place. It’s too…I don’t know it’s too…”

“Intimate?” My question is hushed, because I know a word like that is far too fragile to be passed between us.

“Yes,” she catches my eye before looking down at her hands, twirling a ring on her finger, “And a lot of the time, you have to do it with people who you don’t even like, to make it worse. And they’re playing music you would normally never listen to.”

I let the air thicken amongst us before I reply. “I love slow dancing.”

Her eyes snap up to meet mine. “You’re joking.”

“Nope. Always have. Granted, I was never invited to multiple galas a year that I was mandated to attend.”

“Yeah right,” she huffs, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Call it competitive, avoidant of reality, or just plain stupid, but I push back my chair, and offer her my hand. “Alright then.”

The look of shock and intrigue on her face gives me way more pleasure than it should. In a rare moment for Gwen, she doesn't say anything as she grabs my hand and lets me walk her a few steps into the kitchen area. I take out my phone, thinking only for a moment before I press play and set it on the counter.

The quiet sound of a western waltz drifts into the room, and I guide the hand of hers to rest on my shoulder. “I’m assuming you’re familiar with this part.”

“Unfortunately so,” she tries to sound aloof, but I’m not fooled. She’s a little too breathless to be as irritated as she’d like to seem.

I take her other palm in mine before placing my free hand on her lower back, pushing us close together. It’s not a simple task to keep our eyes on each other with the height difference, but Gwen keeps looking up at me anyway, and I keep on looking down at her.

I move us slowly, devoid of complicated or elegant steps. All I’m focused on is how good it feels to hold her so tightly, for her eyes to be looking at me with something just short of affection. When it seems like she isn’t completely hating this, I pull her out and away, forcing her to spin so that her back is now against me. She giggles, that same one that always plots to bring me to my knees. And when she leans her head back to rest on my chest, craning to look at me again, I know I’m in trouble.

“No one ever pulled a move like that at a gala.”

My chest fills with pride. “You said you didn’t like that you have to face the person the whole time.”

“I said that about the people I don’t like…” she whispers, her big blue eyes succeed in pulling me under. I accept the fact that I’m most likely going to hell as I lean down to whisper in her ear.

“I figured I was included in that.” I feel a shiver run down her spine as she closes her eyes. My arms wrap around her tighter, just to confirm that despite total disbelief, this woman was enjoying herself. With me.

“Not all the time,” she breathes.

“Not right now?” I ask against the shell of her ear.

“No…Not right now.” I let her lean back into me until I’m essentially supporting all of her body weight. When I’m afraid her proximity to me might become…obviously arousing to us both, I spin her again, gently, until we’re face to face. Except now, Gwen rests her head against my chest.

“You smell so nice,” she murmurs, her eyes still closed. It was the sort of thing I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be hearing. Without a thought, I drift my hand up from the small of her back, to the back of her neck, stroking it up to her earlobe. This earns me another shiver, and also requires me to shift my hips away from her.

“Nice enough to change your mind?”

Feeling her laugh reverberate off my chest had to be the only thing better than hearing it. “I’m not known to change my mind.”

“Not yet.”

“It could just be better barefoot.”

I now trail my hand down her neck, caressing as much exposed skin as I can. “It could be a better partner.”

She sighs with the feel of my touch. “Could—could be.”

The song ends, and though our swaying slows down, it doesn’t stop. I see Gwen’s eyes open, and she peeks up at me cautiously.

“I hope this doesn't count…you know, as me touching you again without your permission.”

Only in this moment, for a split second, have I ever regretted my career choice. I don’t want her to feel like she has to tip-toe around me, and even though we both know it’s not professional, I can’t find it in me to care when she’s looking up at me like that.

“No,” my voice is all gravel, “It’s just dancing.”

She nods, either unconvinced, or possibly tired. Maybe even…relaxed? I don’t think I’ve ever seen Gwen relaxed.

Both our arms are wrapped around each other now, and I’m tracing circles on her back.

“So, what’s the verdict?” I ask after some time.

“Hmm?” Her eyes are closed again, her cheek pressed firmly against me.

“Do you still think slow dancing is borin—”

“Can you stay here tonight, please?” she asks so quietly that I have to look down to confirm that she is actually looking back up at me, waiting for a response. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable…But, I worry about—”

“Yes. Whatever you need.”

Her smile banishes all the worry from her face, and I squeeze her tighter.

I have a feeling we would have stayed here all night if my phone didn’t ring. It startles us both, and it takes everything in me not to keep one hand wrapped around her waist as I grab it off the counter.

Angus.

I pause. Once I’m on a job, there usually isn’t too much contact. But recently, I had sent in the information about Gwen’s building to see if there was anything Angus and his team could find. There had to be a reason her stalker was able to gain access to the basement and cut the system’s hardwiring. And the power, for that matter. There was nothing I wanted more than to catch the asshole that was causing her so much unrest. Almost nothing. Right now, I would rather keep holding her. Trying to inch back a shred of professionalism into the evening, I pick up.

“Hey, Angus.”

“Joel. I have the report you were looking for. Is now a good time?”

It wasn’t. Not really. And I don’t exactly want Gwen to overhear anything firsthand. I would rather choose how to deliver it to her, but none of those reasons would have been acceptable with any of my other clients.

“Sure, now’s fine.”

Luckily, when Gwen hears this, she mouths, “I’m going to go change,” and scurries off toward the bathroom.

“So, the building is owned by a completely legitimate LLC. They own several other buildings all throughout New York, and purchased this one about six years ago. No past indiscretions besides a fire a couple of decades ago at another location. No foul play was suspected.”

“An LLC? Why not make it a REIT?”

“Probably so they don’t have to pay federal income tax. They’re cheaper to start.”

“What’s the name of the company?”

“Laurier.”

“Alright,” I run a hand down my face, “Thanks, Angus.”

“I had hoped we’d find more information but…”

“I know, me too. Still appreciated.”

He hangs up without another word. I start pacing toward the bed and back to the dining table. Secretly, I had hoped that the building was recently purchased by someone who had been found to stalk Gwen’s account. I knew that would be too easy, but I still hoped I could end it for her, and fast. Before I even realize what I’m doing, I sit on the edge of the bed with my face in my hands. I only glance up when I hear the bathroom door crack open.

Gwen’s face is pink, and her hair has come down, looking the slightest bit disheveled.

“I promise that this isn’t a come-on, but I am legitimately stuck in my dress.”

After this last conversation with Angus, I simply stare at her to the point where she feels the need to elaborate.

“I can go get Jace or Carlos if you’re not comfortable unzipping it.”

Well, fuck that idea.

I jump up a little too quickly. “Not a problem.”

“Thank you,” she turns around, holding the front part of her dress up with her hands.

Now that her hair is down, I have to place my fingers on the side of her neck, pulling her soft waves back a bit. “May I?” I ask.

“Mhmm,” she murmurs, tipping her head to the side to assist me. I brush her hair over her shoulder, lingering slightly to soak in the last few moments where it’s appropriate for me to be this close to her.

I unzip the dress slowly, since it goes far past the bottom of her spine. I don’t want to undo it all the way. Suddenly, she shudders a little, letting out a soft laugh.

“Sorry,” she sounds…heady. “Your breath just tickled a bit.” She clears her throat, attempting to take a step forward. I know with her little disclaimer, she’s doing so for my benefit. So for both of ours, I pull her back to me by the hold I have on her dress.

“I’m not done,” I say in a low, careful voice. This elicits another shudder from her as I finish undoing the garment. And against everything I’ve ever done, everything I’ve ever tried to uphold, I let my finger trace up her bare back, all the way up until the clasp of her black lace bra.

Even at that subtle motion, Gwen leans back to me, letting out a soft sigh.

“Would you like me to undo this as well, ma’am?” I say in the most casual tone I can muster, purposefully laying on the accent a little thicker than normal.

Gwen nods, clutching tighter to the front of the dress.

I click my tongue. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to hear you say it.”

“Yes,” Gwen hisses, a mix of irritation and arousal.

There’s my girl.

I chuckle darkly, unclasping the bra, and gently massaging the area of her back where it had been resting. Maybe this fell under the category of unprofessional touches, but the entire city going up in flames couldn’t keep me from doing something that clearly made her feel so good. Her eyes were pinched shut, and with every stroke of my hand, she leaned further into me.

Then, so softly, as if it were a thought escaped, or an unexplained draft in the air, I hear her breathe out, “Joel.”

I freeze.

Lately, our boundaries were made of chalk. Dark clouds kept rolling in, threatening to pour out the rain and wash away the last of our efforts. Now, with that singular word, she might as well have summoned a monsoon.

She’s gone rigid as well, her breathing ragged with the realization of what she said.

“I—I’m sorry—”

“Say it again.” I damn near growl, wrapping my hand around her waist, turning her to face me.

Her eyelids are heavy, and it takes her more than a few moments to look up at me and whisper.

“Joel.”

My eyes drop down to her lips, extra pretty when they’re parted like that. I keep staring at them as I walk us backwards until Gwen’s back hits the wall next to the bathroom door. I place my arms above her head, caging her in. A strong wave of possession runs through me as her hold on her dress loosens. I’m angry at a line of men I will never meet. Because somewhere, there are other pairs of eyes that have seen her like this. Did they truly savor it? Did they know what a treasure it was to watch her, or did they simply snatch any piece of her they could and run? I want to keep her here, and safe, forever.

Gwen’s gaze grows more exasperated. “Well? Are you just going to stare at me?”

I bend down to place my lips against her ear. “I might.”

She whines. A sound I quickly realize does far greater damage to me than her laughter.

“What would you prefer I do?”

“You always want to speak in these fucking riddles.” She glares up at me, and I can’t help smiling at her. “You know what I want.”

“”Fraid not.”

Unexpectedly, Gwen’s back arches off the wall until we’re mere inches apart. She lightly cocks a brow, smirking. “I want you to touch me, Joel.”

Holy mother of god.

Something strikes a chord in me, and I pull back just a bit. “You know we can’t. It’s…exploitative. I’m here to protect you.”

“Oh, please. I can make my own decisions, and you’re still protecting me.”

“It could be transference.” God, her hair smells incredible.

“Seriously? I couldn’t stand it when you moved in.”

“Okay then, Stockholm syndrome.”

She scoffs. “I’m free to go wherever I want. You’re the one forced to follow me.” She lets one of her hands drop from the front of her dress, grabbing my belt loop and pulling me in. It’s a miracle I’m still breathing. “Call it whatever you want, but you’re here as my bodyguard. So…” her eyes gauge mine one last time, looking for any signs of apprehension. “Guard it.”

With that, she drops the front of her dress, letting both it and her bra pool around her ankles. I spoke too soon, and my breath hitches in my throat, my mouth falling agape as I take in every exquisite inch of her.

“Fucking hell,” I groan, not even meaning to have said it. Not even my favorite of her dresses could have done this picture justice. Her breathing is coming in heavy, and my eyes go glassy as I take in the sight of her hardening pink nipples. I lean even closer to her, my arms still braced on the wall, desperate to feel the warmth of her bare chest against mine. I’m past the point of caring that she can see, or possibly feel, my nearly painful erection. The only sound in the room is our breath as our lips get closer and closer to each other.

“Do you…” I take a moment to run my nose up her neck, across her jawline, “Have any idea what you’re doing to me?”

This brings on another, softer whine.

“I wasn’t sure you even liked women,” she teases.

I chuckle against her cheek, making both of us shiver. “You thought about it?”

Even though she’s almost entirely naked in front of me, Gwen shrugs. “Maybe in passing.”

“Hmm. I see,” I lift one of my arms off the wall, trailing a finger across her collarbone. “So you never wondered how this might feel?” I drag my finger down her chest, past the shallow in between her breasts, tracing a few circles on her stomach before drawing a line right above the last bit of lace that covers her.

She’s panting now, from just one finger. My mind goes wild with the noises I might be able to hear if I give her more.

“Maybe,” she murmurs, her eyes trained on my lips, “Maybe once or twice.” My cock twitches at the idea that she ever thought about my hands on her skin. Our foreheads are resting against each other now, our lips dangerously close. She pulls me closer by my belt loop again, and moans when my erection bumps against her.

“Why won’t you kiss me?” She whispers.

I place my hand on the side of her face, demanding she look me in the eye before I respond. “If I kiss you…there’s no coming back for me. I don’t want to be your distraction. I don’t want to take advantage of our situation. I want you to want this.”

She blinks, processing the magnitude of my words. It was the closest to a confession I had ever had with her, and all of it was true. If I kiss her the way I want, touch her the way I want…I wouldn’t be able to think of anything else. I could become too distracted, too enmeshed.

But maybe…I could give her just a piece. A few moments of pleasure to counteract the anxiety of these past few weeks.

“If you would touch me,” her voice is sultry and low, “then you would know how badly I want this.”

Professionalism was now a word unbeknownst to me.

I lean back from the wall, and Gwen pouts, until she sees me rolling up the sleeves of my white button down. I take my time, reveling in the way she squirms, her back still against the wall.

My voice is raspy as I hold the side of her face, making sure she listens to every word. “We’re going to do this once. I want you to know that this is different for me. I don’t do this with the people I’m protecting.” Gwen takes a sharp breath, and there is some possible relief on her face. “But you’ve been so good lately…I feel like that should be rewarded.”

“Oh, thank god.” Gwen whines, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me in. I resist, grabbing her hands and pinning them above her head.

“I’m afraid you’re going to listen to me now, Miss Russell. For once.”

Gwen’s eyes flare, agitated and excited and needy.

I wrap my right hand around both of her wrists, keeping them high above her. Her back arches again off the wall, begging for contact. I take my time trailing my free hand down her stomach again before going back up and cupping her breasts. Gwen sighs, tossing her head back slightly, her eyes pinched shut. I lick my thumb and forefinger before pinching her hard nipple between them, rolling it around and squeezing until she’s panting once again. It would be a wasted effort to try and fight the possession that fills me now. Hovering over her, knowing she’s safe, knowing that I’m the one making her bite down on her lip and press her thighs together…I never want anyone else to see her this way. And I want to make sure she remembers who she’s with. That she doesn’t run from the connection the way she always has.

“Open your eyes.” I demand in a harsh whisper.

“Mmm,” Gwen moans lightly, denying my request. I smack her breast lightly before putting my mouth where my finger had been, sucking ruthlessly.

“Oh my god, yes.” She cries, pushing back against my hand holding her to the wall.

As quickly as I had started, I pull back completely, cutting all contact except for where my hand binds her.

“What…?” she breathes, finally straightening her head and opening her eyes to me.

“Open your eyes,” I repeat. “You break contact,” I grab her breast again, her mouth falling open, “I break contact,” I pull away my hand, making her eyebrows knit together in frustration. She narrows her eyes at me, but still her breathing only quickens.

With my forehead practically resting against hers, I bring my hand between her thighs and cup her fully over the lace.

“Ah,” she cries again, throwing her head back.

I smirk. “Eyes on me.”

It takes her a moment, but I get a sick satisfaction over how she finally obeys. She glares at me, but I have her slack-jawed the next moment when I start to lightly move my hand in circles. Even with her lips parted, she still manages to look angry.

“You can be pissed all you want, darlin’. Your legs are still shaking.”

This makes her whine, because she knows I’m right. She’s alternating between coming up on her tiptoes and letting her feet rest back on the ground, trying to increase the friction. Every time she does it, her knees give her away.

“Why don’t you do something about it, then?” Definitely pissed. And breathless.

“Ask nicely.” I murmur against her ear.

I circle the fabric a little harder, and after several huffs, she gives in.

“Please. Dammit, please Joel.”

I chuckle, moving closer to her so that her bare chest is pressed to my shirt. I want to take it off, to feel her on top of me, underneath me, shaking against me as I take her from the back, gripping the wall for support. But not tonight. Tonight was only about this beautiful, stubborn woman.

I dip my hand into the fabric, and we both gasp at the contact.

“So wet,” I rasp out, forgetting where I am for a moment. “Perfect…”

“It’s your fault,” Gwen whimpers, trying her best to grind down on my hand. This snaps me back into the present moment, remembering I’m here to please her, not simply to admire the fact that she’s this ready for me. I apply more pressure, continuing the same circles, only now, it’s directly on her clit.

Gwen strains against my hand again, her eyes fluttering closed.

I stop.

Gwen almost wails. “Please…don’t stop.”

“Look at me.”

This time, she listens right away. Her gaze might be hooded, but it’s focused on me. I resume my gentle strokes, my cock growing more and more painful every time Gwen makes one of her sweet little noises.

“More,” she whispers, her cheeks growing desperately flushed as she says it. “I need more.”

“Yeah? What do you say?”

She scowls at me, but her voice is earnest “Please.”

“Atta girl,” my mouth turns up at the corner as I slide a finger inside her, curling it as she curses through her teeth, bouncing up on her tiptoes again. And god, is she tight. Clenching around it almost immediately, greedy little thing.

I pump my finger in and out of her a few times before adding another, making Gwen struggle to keep eye contact. I can tell she wants to avoid the intimacy of it, but I can also tell she’s enjoying it. She’s become so wet in the past minute alone that her arousal is dripping down to her thighs. And god, what I wouldn’t give to lick it off.

I press the heel of my hand against her, starting the circles again when I know she wants to be filled. She whines, confirming my suspicion.

“This is for all the times you forced me to look away,” I grunt out, watching her eyes grow wide at my words, hearing how impossibly wet they make her. “Every time you wore one of those skimpy little outfits, or danced with a man who didn’t deserve you, or started to change in front of me. Anything that you knew would force me to take my eyes off of you.”

She whimpers something incoherent, her eyes fluttering but still straining enough to hold my gaze.

“Now you’re going to look at me. Focus right here, baby. Look into my eyes as I get you off.” That’s when I give her what she wants again, sliding two fingers inside, curling until she’s shaking so hard I have to let go of her wrists. Immediately, she wraps them around my neck to steady herself. Her eyes don’t leave mine, even as her mouth hangs open, her eyebrows are drawn down, and she’s moaning again and again, so loud that the thought of Jace or Carlos hearing her crosses my mind, but I banish it quickly. It’s too sweet a sound for anything to spoil it.

“Jo–el,” Gwen cries as I pump my fingers in and out of her. She’s close, getting closer every time she clenches around me.

Her whole body is quivering, and I wrap my now free hand around her waist to keep her steady. The contact of my hand grasping her bare hip makes her chuck her head back. And as much as that fuels my ego, and as fucking amazing and soft her skin feels, I still cease my fingers.

“You’re fucking kidding,” she gasps, looking back up as she grabs the hair on the back of my neck, forcing me to look at her. “I’m watching, you bastard,” she surprises me by lifting up her left leg and hooking it around my waist. She starts to grind down on her own, soft whimpers escaping her lips. Her eyes are frustrated and enamored, boring into my soul. “I’m not looking away,” she manages before adding what could only be described as a prayer. “Please.”

That did me in. I’m not sure if it’s taking pity on her, or on myself. I need to make her come. I want to give her that release, what she deserves.

I start again at a merciless pace. Each time making sure to hit that spot of hers that makes her mewl. Her arms clutch tighter to me, and I groan when she pulls on my hair again. I press my forehead against hers, soaking in as many of her moans and heady breaths as I can. I can’t remember the last time anything felt this intimate, if it ever had. But I do not break eye contact with her, nor she with me. Her eyes are wild, looking at me, present, and still somewhere else. Somewhere in ecstasy, somewhere in the clouds.

With her leg pulling me in even closer, she grinds back in tune with my rhythm.

“Yes, yes, god, y-yes.” She’s not even saying it to me, but it’s music to my ears.

“Come on, baby. Give it to me.” I pull her even closer to me so that her chest is flush with mine, and I can feel my hand working her against my thigh. “Show me how pretty you look when you come.”

Gwen rasps several harsh breaths before I feel her body convulse around me. She moans my name as she comes, looking at me with wonder, and I’m impressed that I don’t finish myself just at the sound. The look she’s giving me would be enough to bring me to my knees if I weren’t so focused on keeping her upright.

I continue to work her, softer now, as she slowly comes down from her high. She shudders on my hand, harder when I tell her how well she’s doing. Eventually, I pull my fingers out of her and rub a few soothing circles around her clit once more.

“Mmmm,” Gwen sighs, biting down on her lip, her eyes squinting. After another minute, I grip her hip a little tighter, pulling my hand out of her now-soaked panties. Gwen’s satiated smile twists into one of astonishment as she watches me bring my fingers to my mouth and suck every last bit of her off of them.

It was a bad idea, all of it.

I should have thought for one second longer before indulging myself with the taste of her.

I said that we would do this once, just so I could give her a little bit of the relief that she deserves to feel. But now, knowing just how smart-mouthed she was even as she was turned on, knowing how her lip shook when she moaned, how soft her skin was, and just how fucking sweet she tastes…

I want more. Need more.

I know now that Gwen is a vice, and I have no hope for repentance.

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter

Masterlist

[theworldoffostering]

You guys, I feel like I’m drowning. These past three weeks have felt unmanageable to me. Like, I don’t know how to keep going.

I’m walking alongside (trying the best I know how) the older girls as one navigates this break up and the other tries to transition to college. We got DD a car, but it still needs a few repairs. She was here all afternoon today working on it with DH.

I am waiting for the updated version of Ms. 6’s IEP to hit my inbox to send it off to the school. I am also working on her housing contract. Then I think I can step back for a few weeks. Still trying to figure out what’s going on with graduation. Her mom is back to letting her go to it and maybe allow her to stay for dinner, but it’s Memorial Day weekend and I don’t want to put a deposit down for a dinner somewhere only to have her not be allowed to attend at the last minute. I also don’t want to disappoint her. I’m unsure of how to proceed, so I’m just sort of frozen.

DS takes his civics test next week. You have to pass in order to graduate high school. He has prepared and seems like he will do well. He’s also pole vaulting and doing well at that for being a novice and having very little practice time due to the crummy weather we’ve been having.

Work is a lot right now. It’s to be expected due to the time of year. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s a lot to slog through.

DH was verbally offered a job this week as a special education teacher. He is supposed to return to school to get his teaching certification in about a week, and is waiting for a letter of intent via email from the potential employer. It’s a lot. We are trying to manage the financial aid piece and we are up against a super tight deadline right now. His interview for the job was virtual, so he’s heading to the school next week to actually tour it and meet his potential coworkers. In the spirit of living in a small town, one of the women he used to live who was in live with him (for real)—the housing situation was work related—works at the school. She has legit not spoken to myself or DH since he and I got engaged so that seems like it will be super awkward (although she is also married now and has kids).

DH is finally seeing a decent therapist and between the therapist and neuropsych eval he had done during fall, it is apparent he is super depressed. Depressed is apparently his baseline and super depressed happens quite a bit. It is helpful to have it identified, but wow, it is a lot to live with. I am really struggling as his wife because he cannot do much and is not really emotionally available 90% of the time. He’s so inwardly focused, that he cannot focus on me, the kids, relationships, stuff that needs to be done, etc. I’m drowning and he cannot take on any of the workload. It sucks.

My endocrin had me take b12 supplements the last three months and my level actually decreased. I’m starting up with b12 injections next week. My TSH is also super, super low which means I’m hyperhyroid and should be losing weight, but I’m gaining which also sucks.

My endocrin is out of network for me which means my injections will be out of network. I have ZERO out of network benefits. The whole healthcare system is atrocious. I refuse to go back to the three endocrins I saw before I connected with my current one. They were all terrible, but in network. I need a super expensive full body scan but I for sure cannot pay for that out of pocket, so I’m waiting to see if my GP will prescribe it when I see him in June.

My crown also broke this week and when the dentist looked at it, I had worn a hole clear through the middle. He said it was due to grinding/stress. I wear a mouth guard religiously at night, so it’s happening during the day. :-/ Cue more medical bills. They glued my current one back on and can’t get me in to work on repair until June. I almost cried when trying to schedule with them because I just cannot even do all of this any more. (It also hurt wicked bad last time they fixed it so I’m somewhat terrified to return.)

That’s my list of complaints/brain dump. There’s more, but I need to wrap up some grading and get dinner going. I miss a life that was easier and less complicated.

[schrodingerscollective]

Heyyyy

…

We’re backkkk

So, for those who are new to this blog or have forgotten - don’t blame you there, it’s been eight months lol - my name is Parker! I’m one of the hosts in the Schrödinger’s Cat Collective. I’m gonna format the rest of this post like an FAQ bc writing a block of paragraph is boring for you guys and me

So, what happened?

In a roughly linear but haphazard order:

1. Denial + a lot of assumptions we made about our system and how it worked, which ended up with us believing we weren’t a system at all

2. Stress. Oh my god so much stress, made worse by autistic burnout. It was horrific, but thankfully that was late last year, and we’re okay now

3. I don’t know what happened, but now there are literally only 5 of us. I actually can’t explain it. I think maybe some people might have fused together but it’s hard to tell, since almost everyone here now existed in some form before. Man, idek T-T

Why are y’all back?

We debated making this post for a bit, mostly because we were scared to be wrong about being a system again, or that’s we’re secretly faking or making things up because we’re bored, etc. But I’ve realised that that’s a dumb reason, and that if it were another system saying those things we wouldn’t be nearly as harsh on them as we are, in reality, on ourselves.

(Also the body is sick rn and everyone else is taking a break meaning I’m by myself feeling like crap, so I’m doing a Good Thing. I know they missed posting here but everyone kept putting off writing this post so look at me saving the day)

What is and will be changed?

- we will no longer be calling ourselves an OSDD 1B system, as we are unsure of our system origin. Currently we call ourselves a median system, leaning closer to being plural

- as always, this is a no-syscourse zone. However, we do want to explicitly state that we are fully supportive of ALL systems regardless of type, origin and whatever else, provided everyone is civil. If you are uncomfortable with this, there’s no obligation for you to stay here

- we’ll still post memes, but we might post other things too!

- we’ll also be updating our bio and pinned post soon :)

Thanks for reading!

- Parker, edited by Nova for grammar

[an-aroaces-harem]

fickle

Title: fickle

Pairing: Ellis x OC

Warnings: implied sex, failed drugging attempt, modern!au

Author's note: First of all, DO NOT take strangers to your home with you. Secondly, I kinda envisioned Ellis as werewolf!ellis but taking his latest epilogues and other story bits into consideration, his behaviour in my fic pretty much matches his canon behaviour.

This man could be the man she dreamed of, and she met him in a place of short-termed encounters, the reality of the present.

»You know,« Anne says, the loud music getting louder with every step, »I’m surprised we even got in with you wearing that cutesy outfit.«

»Yeah,« Heather chimes in, slightly pulling down her deep v-neck, »especially since cute and innocent is out. We aren’t teens anymore, Hana, guys want seductive women who know what they want.«

Hana just shrugs and follows them to the bar, avoiding all the sweaty bodies on the packed dance floor. The music currently playing isn’t to her liking as she sits down next to Anne. They order drinks, Anne glances to Hana, chin propped onto her palm, and decides that she needs alcohol in her system to cheer up. Anne beckons the bartender back to them, asking for a nice, fruity cocktail for Hana.

Hana rolls her eyes at that, not really fond of alcohol, and watches the other two downing their own drinks, followed by several shots. An orange one appears in Hana’s sight, decorated with a spiral straw and other glittery things she doesn’t need in a drink.

»Join us when you loosened up enough,« Heather shouts over the beats, patting Hana’s shoulder and she disappears with Anne in the crowd of dancing bodies.

Hana wonders why she agreed in the first place to go with them, she’s bored already. One night stands aren’t really her thing. Maybe she’s being a little old-fashioned, at least for someone her age. Anne and Heather, though, they act and live like the majority of their generation, hooking up with strangers at bars because true love is nothing more than a fickle dream, a lie of the past, and worrying about their future, good jobs with good income becoming more and more sparse.

Sometimes, she doesn’t want to grow up and relives her teens instead. Binge watching old cartoons or listening to 90’s or early 2000’s music for example, Hana still owns and wears her old clothing. It’s not like she actually wants to go back, going to high school once is more than enough for a lifetime, teenage boys ignorant—dishwasher kisses, unsure fumbling and sloppy breast groping—or absorbed, believing porn depicts reality.

Of course there are other boys out there but Hana never had the opportunity to date one. She fell for the nice faces and got crushed by her shattered expectations. And still she hopes to meet the man of her dreams—whoever that may be—with unconditional love and a fulfilled future. Hana wants nothing more than a family of her own.

Yet, she sits at a counter in a bar where people solely look for hookups and nothing serious. They want to live their youth to fullest before settling down, if ever.

Sighing in her mind, Hana reaches for her drink anyway. One won’t be a problem, she’ll order a glass of water afterwards and then just coke. Before she can take a sip through the straw, a foreign hand wraps itself around her glass and takes it away with little force.

Confused, she looks to the side where a man settled into Anne’s seat. She didn’t notice his presence at all. How long was she contemplating about her life? He puts her drink down again, eyeing her with a careful gaze.

He leans in to her, »You shouldn’t drink something you haven’t watched all the time.« Despite the loud music around them, his voice is smooth and the only thing she can hear in this very moment. After that, the noise filters back into her system.

Then she understands what he means. »You mean, someone put something in my drink?« she asks back. Rule number one while clubbing—never leave your drinks unattended. Since she appears as cute and innocent, as Heather put it, she is viewed as an easy victim. Now it looks like she actually is one, to her dismay. »Thanks, you literally saved me there.«

»No need to, don’t worry about it.« He smiles, eyes twinkling and piercings on his ears gleaming in the colorful club lights and Hana catches herself falling into her teen behavior—getting enamored by a pretty, good looking face.

The fact that he saved her from getting drugged isn’t helping either, rather enhancing because a man protecting her is totally her type. She orders a coke. Another cocktail would be more preferable but alcohol makes her clingy and whiny and no matter what will happen between them—or not—she doesn’t want him to see this side of her, so caffeine will suffice.

They end up at her apartment. At first, her companion for the night, he introduced himself as Ellis, wanted to go to a hotel but Hana trusted him that he had no ill intent and led him to her place instead. It’s only a small one-room-apartment in the dormitory but cheaper and more comfortable than a foreign hotel room.

Ellis’s an odd one, not in a bad way, but Hana has never met a man like him. There isn’t a single place of skin left on her he hasn’t kissed—or licked. She doesn’t mind, though, nobody has ever paid so much attention to her body and where she likes to be touched—or licked for that matter.

At least, he knows what to do with his tongue. Maybe Hana hasn’t had as many encounters with men as Anne or Heather but she knows for sure Ellis’s a great kisser. His kisses don’t feel like he wants to clean her mouth in a very sloppy way. On the other hand, he isn’t an inexperienced teen.

Another thing about him is his constant sniffing. Her hair, her throat, the juncture between her neck and shoulder and between her thighs seem to be his favorite places.

Everyone has different things they like; licking and sniffing—which Hana both actually enjoys, realizing that during the night—definitely are way better, and more harmless, than him wanting to choke her or telling her ›I want you to punish me‹ or whatever.

Ellis’s someone who likes to please and he’s utterly attentive—of course, that’s also a part of Hana’s type.

When she wakes up in the morning, Ellis’s still there, fast asleep. His face is snuggled into her stomach, forehead resting right beneath the gap of her breasts and his warm huffs of breath slightly tickling her. One arm lays under her waist, the other one is draped over her thighs, their legs are a tangled mess. Her own hands are on his head, fingers cradled in soft black locks.

The last bits of the summer sun illuminates them from her window. Ellis’ pale skin glows in the sun rays, painting him golden as if he’s radiating from the inside. Dust particles dance in the streaming light. The scene is so peaceful and undisturbed—

Hana fears Ellis waking up and the moment being broken. Last night will vanish like a dream, only to be replayed in her head. It’s something fickle, like true love. This man could be the man she dreamed of, and she met him in a place of short-termed encounters, the reality of the present.

Sighing, she burns everything into her memory and her fingers brush through his hair, slowly starting from the nape of his neck until they reach his ears. Ellis sighs as well—pleased unlike her—and nudges his nose into the soft skin of her stomach, the weight of his arm wandering up to her waist and he pulls her even closer with his hand on the small of her back.

Apparently she found his soft spot. Hana smiles to herself and she applies a little bit more pressure with her thumbs behind his ears, the other fingers kneading his neck again. When he presses open-mouthed kisses against her belly, she knows he’s awake and yet, the idle moment doesn’t shatter.

Her heart thumps loudly in her chest and she’s sure he can hear it, if him inching higher is any indication, leaving behind a wet trail on her torso. Ellis’s chuckling a bit, sending small vibrations through her body, before his nose is buried into her neck, taking deep breaths. His tongue darts out, licking a long stripe along her throat. Hana shudders, fingers digging into his scalp and then, his lips press against hers, kissing her senseless.

Her previous hookups—although scarce—never went like this and she wonders if the difference between them and him has a meaning. Not to forget that he’s the first one she invited into her small personal space.

»Morning,« Ellis mumbles low and raspy, one hand brushing over her side.

Hana’s still catching her breath and gets lost in his warm, dark orbs. She sees her own reflection in them and it dawns upon her that she hasn’t removed her makeup last night. Good, she never wears much—why should she plaster her whole face with numerous products if she has a good complexion?—but her eyeliner is certainly smudged and her mascara all over her eyes. Only her tinted lip balm was already gone, smeared away between countless kisses.

Even so, she smiles back. »Morning. Did you sleep well?« she asks, fingers still running through his hair.

A low sound, reminding her of a growl, escapes him, and his nose dives back into her neck. Ellis’ warm breath fans over her sensitive skin as he speaks, »Very.«

[overpoweredcacti]

CME 17x10 thoughts (and prayers)

Jesus Christ I’m finally home after accidentally sabotaging my own morning (okay sabotage may be harsh. I have a job now that I signed all the necessarily paperwork lol but I had to go around the city for hours. This Pacific time Midnight airtime is ridiculous, that’s 9 am for me. By then I usually have to pretend to be a functioning adult human being).

I don’t really do this usually, but it is the finale, so. I will try my hand and liveblogging. This will be long.

Some preliminary thoughts though:

I think Church and Jade both survive and it’s Mila who dies

I just don’t see any of the main cast dying. Maybe Rossi, but this show is attached to its actors so much that this would only happen if Joe wanted out, and I’m not sure I can see that happening?

the last Gold Star Peter B. is most probably Peter Bailey

I don’t trust Phil Coulson the Director

Voit has to die. I think. Narratively he just can’t live. So my guess is that he will be killed (maybe on FBI higher up orders) and it will be framed as a suicide. But the BAU would obvious know that doesn’t match his profile cue S18

Well then.

55 minutes hmm, okay. I thought we would get at least an hour, there’s so much going on.

Connection Lost. For all of them??

20 minutes Rebecca and Garcia has been sitting in that office, waiting. That does wonders for someone’s nerves I bet

needs to reboot the system (“have you tried turning it off and on again?” xd)

I’M sorry they didn’t know the building just fucking exploded? xdxd

also still Minimal Loss vibes

okay but everyone seemed fine on the promo pics (minus Emily) so how if they all exploded

I don’t buy it lol

halluciVoit is back

the team is okay

okay see. how lucky do you have to be though to survive an explosion without a scratch

unless they pull a Dallas and the next 30 minutes is just Dave dying and dreaming shit lol that would be iconic

okay Mila surrendered maybe she’s not dying. But how does Rossi get rid of the head wound?

oooh okay so it is a kidnapping situation. Because Jade still thinks the BAU is in cahoots with Church

“you’ve been charged with pedophilia” love that we are not sugarcoating it lol

OKAY so I didn’t think it would be so abrupt. But okay dude deserved it.

Ooh the shot of the dripping blood as he’s carted away? Brilliant.

are we about to see Emily get yeeted

that was a very mild blast without the sound effects lol

are you taking some of the voltage? that’s..a choice. I’m also unsure if that would even work

again with the camera, literally shaking off the memory how cool

listen I know we are supposed to be scared for Emily but it’s Emily. Not even she looks phased lol

holy shit the writing remembers past events. Unbelievable

okay I was recently talking about Person of Interest so that’s probably why the scene is in my mind, but whoever knows about it: This is straight up Vigilance and Control in the mock trial in S3

okay so since Peter B. is most definitely Bailey I’m guessing that’s how Emily will eventually get through to them? By the fact the she knew Doug?

criminal mastermind Brian Garrity reveal when

are you serious? that’s a prison? That’s a vacation home. I've slept in worse places that I paid for

HE HAS A MICROWAVE?

is this actually a thing in America? Okay not my business but damn

“the only thing I miss is you” VoitxRossi is sailing

yes it’s definitely Doug’s brother

yeeah

see that’s a problem because I’m pretty sure Emily holds herself responsible too xd

“does this body language tell you anything” yeah that you’re a fucker

lil bro kinda low key looks like a young Jonathan Groff

so where were you at the funeral? flashback to Emily meeting the parents but not him I’m guessing?

okay flashback but not about that

“really?” “No,” xdxdxdxdx pls. yes. thank you. OG moment. God. Love that

“You scream only child.” Emily. You’re an only child.

"I have a sister" No you don’t. Where did that come from.

Okay was she manipulating him or did they just drop this out of nowhere breaking 17 seasons of previous lore because both are a legitimate possibility.

“why weren’t you at Doug’s funeral” thank you

yeah see I like that this is coming back. Because the DOJ really dropped the ball on Benjamin Reeves

all that said Clark Gregg is still suspicious

so the teenager who is rebellious and anti-government gets into juvie where the government paid private military company trains him to be an assassin through abuse. Nice job there xd

“I’m not threatening your career” love the energy

you literally didn’t have to keep any of that from the BAU though.

THAT’s when you knew you had a crisis? Bruh

“a pilates instructor” xdxd Rebecca’s wit is underappreciated tbh

“he may or may not have information” “fuck you” 💀

are we having a discussion about the real life confines of four dimensional chess. My guy that’s a meme.

Aww JJ basically admitting they are going to get fucked over but hey it’s Emily, they gotta

“he wanted to wear comfy clothes” this bitch.

“back at it like a crack addict” you know what I retroactively would like to witness the birth of lines like this in the writer’s room

 I mean yeah sure but child trafficking does exist tho xd

okay they are cute…

“god forbid you end up on that wall” uff.

aaah you were taking the photos. But who were the guys working for you? I was absolutely sure it was Church. He had the resources, you don’t

see this is where the conspiracy theory conversations become a bit funny, because Emily is completely right, they are about amplification of fear, doubt etc. Also they help reconcile with events that we can’t make logical sense of. It’s honestly an incredibly human thing to do and they have always been around, they are not new.

That said when you introduce shit like the FBI or the CIA a lot of things that used to be “conspiracy theories” have since been reveled to have been true 💀 so people being distrustful towards these organizations are not that unreasonable when you think about it. And even in-universe the BAU has done shady shit? So.

“babe” xdxd okay so maybe Jade is dying. They have built her up to be sympathetic but they are slowly losing that angle narratively? Slowly tho

oh? is that how we’ll get to the bottom of BAUgate?

“Jenny”. can JJ slap him, just once?

the way everyone is so done with him

sometimes I do like Tyler

bit of a CGI house there lol

not Garcia psyching him out

chocolate thunder

oh, Oh?

“I put you in” I?. I??

oh my god. no. that’s vile. even within an already vile context. people have been pointing out the similarities but jesus christ

okay Emily is doing talk no jutsu about Doug

told you she does feel responsible

oooh. oh.

where do people buy so much C4

(hypothetically of course)

yeah I mean obviously not going to happen. But I get the plan there

also the team either knows that’s the endgame of they are just being very optimistic about Emily still being alive lol

of course it’s a trap. Was that really such a big revelation Dave xd

“who think we are the enemy” Tara. Babe. You kind of are to them xd

okay maybe they will survive this. Or Pete might. Jade could still kill herself. Or each other.

yeah she knows 😭

Radiohead?

passive aggressive action report

thank you for calling him out on this

no I still don’t trust Clark Gregg

is Emily going to low key blackmail the Director xd that would be very stupid. And also incredibly in character

yeah they have pretty much said it before that Tyler would be the “next generation”

“Hooray you’re alive” xd

Rebecca just got a haircut? She looks nice. But how much time had passed then.  

“the shoes” 💀 that’s so fair

oh his “ghost” just standing in the bg

okay so he either escapes, in which case the showrunners completely lied about leaving him behind in S18 lol or he dies. Maybe he gets shanked. A girl can dream

I was joking xdxdxdx 💀

uff not the bleach

oh my god he really got shanked. holy shit

I mean yes thank you

but holy shit

so we have zero idea on what happens in S18. Zero. that’s nice.

Okay, closing thoughts. It was a good episode, but a bit underwhelming on the conspiracy side of things? And as a finale? I mean they kept saying how it’s “bigger than we thought” but it really wasn’t? Also it kind of takes away from the suspense that we know none of these characters are ever dying lol But ultimately it did close off loose ends. But I really would have appreciated some implication that Voit was killed on someone’s orders to continue some kind of a plot thread? Realistically the writers probably haven’t decided on that yet lol Did like that we acknowledged that the Gold Star kids were victims but…at the end of the day who was the perpetrator?

No, I still don’t trust Clark Gregg. Also can we get back to Emily having a sister what is that about

[hollowknightinsanity]

baby. fuck you

[Image ID: A black sketch of an infant bug, curled up on the ground with its eyes closed, drawn on a dull pink background. There is an arrow pointing at the child’s head with text that says, “Full of leaf”. /End ID]

This is Somber, the newborn child of Holly and my self-insert, who i still haven’t made.

Said self-insert is a silkworm moth, and I’m thinking of making him half-wyrm, but I’m not sure if I’ll actually do that

Anyway, logistics and uh. Lore ig? Under the cut

Ok, so. In my AUs, Holly (THK) is a hybrid between a Rootkin (White Lady’s species) and a Wyrm (Pale King’s species). Rootkin are strictly an egg-laying species, but Wyrms are capable of both laying eggs and giving live birth — it mostly depends on the environment/subspecies the Wyrm belongs to.

PK is part of the subspecies that gives live birth, but using his Soul magic, he’s capable of fertilizing eggs from laying species, such as Rootkin and Weavers, hence Hornet and the Vessels.

Holly takes after their mother — this is true across all my AUs — and as such, they adopted her reproductive system, so they lay eggs.

They had a condition that caused them to begin producing and laying eggs early, and started laying when they were 14. Now, this sucked for them in various ways; for one, early egg production and laying is very painful, and considering the state of their (mostly missing) organs, their pain was amplified tenfold when they started.

Secondly, if their parents found their eggs, they would immediately be outed as impure, and they did not want that. At the time, they thought that if they were outed, their parents would literally kill them — which isn’t true, by the way, but they had no way of knowing that — so they kept it a secret.

Initially, Holly attempted to just hide the eggs, but after a while, they started worrying about the hiding place being found, so they began destroying the eggs instead.

They laid once every two months, and every egg they laid was broken and thrown out. What exactly they did I’m unsure of, but I feel like they’d crack the eggs into some type of disposal area they made/found, and crush the shells into dust.

Anyway, they destroyed all the eggs they laid, except for one.

When they were 16, about a week before their sealing, they started thinking. They thought maybe, if they did get out alive, if they did escape the Black Egg, then maybe they could have a family. Keep the Pale King’s legacy going. They knew he was poisoned with Void and destined to die, so they thought that maybe if they survived, they could keep Hallownest alive by birthing an heir.

So, they took the last egg, and made a nest in the Queen’s Gardens, where they decided they would hide it, and they placed two Seals of Binding on it to protect it in case the nest were found by the Mantis Traitors.

The egg and nest were very well hidden, though, so nobody ever found it. Holly was sealed, and that was that.

Decades later, after escaping the Black Egg (which they heavily doubted they would, but hey, a bug can hope), they and my self-insert (who I’ll just call K here, I’m still trying to figure out a name for him) met and started a QPR. They ended up getting very close in their relationship, and Holly decided to carry out their plan from when they were 16. Though, instead of wanting to continue Hallownest as a kingdom, they just wanted a family.

At some point, after Holly gets quote-unquote “outed” to PK about their impurity (he knew since they were 10, but they didn’t know that), they ask K to come with them to the Gardens, as they had something important they wanted to speak to him about in private.

Some conversation happens, and Holly shows him the nest and tells him that they want to start a family. Because I need to be super self-indulgent when it comes to my writing sometimes, he of course agrees, and the 60-year-old binding-protected egg is fertilized, and later hatches into the itty bitty baby in the sketch, who Holly named Somber.

Google’s definition of somber is “oppressively solemn or sober in mood; grave,” and I believe that would fit the AU perfectly, so the child is named Somber.

For an in-universe explanation for the name, Holly would name their child after themself, I think. According to Google, a similar word to somber is solemn, which could mean either “not cheerful or smiling; serious” or “characterized by deep sincerity,” which both fit their life to a T.

As for when exactly this takes place, all I’m sure of is it happens after they out themself to PK. Maybe it’s somewhere around the same time the rain oneshot happens, or maybe a bit before or after — I’m not sure. It’s just around that timeframe.

Anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk, I will now sink into the fuckin. Swamps of Sadness from The Neverending Story.

[gurokichi]

No need to be sorry, Doll noticed you didn't sleep at the same time, so kinda assumed you'd be sleeping,,, I hope you slept well Bon <3

He didn't break anything. He's a very good kitty! Just very easily could have broken many things.

Since Bon didn't have any ideas, Doll went to find a few ideas that they thought Bon would like! Each have a reasoning or meaning stated! I hope you like them ^^

Forget-me-nots: they are blue, small, and dainty, and often mean love or true love. Roses: In general, they mean love and are just stunning flowers,,, I specifically want black roses, though... they mean obsessive love. White roses would be nice as well, loyalty cause doll will always be loyal to their bon! Baby's breath: unconditional love, they are dainty and doll like, and perfect for in bouquets for my Bon!! Baby's breath is one of my favorite flowers in bouquets!!! Foxglove: they are beautiful, with beautiful meaning, just a flower we've become fond of.

Doll will try to remember it's place with you better (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ⁄ ⁄ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) It was just a misunderstanding, no need to apologize! Doll will always want your love and attention~

I- HDHHXHSBAUIDHEBD

Thank you so much for all this omfg,,, this means so much- tbh I just realized that "we" used "we" multiple times just now. A few in the system very much would be considered obsessive,,, and most of us very needy!!! Some in different ways than others but still obsessive and/or needy. (I don't think anyone has really addressed us like this and it left me speechless in the best way possible, omfg-)

Doll had been admiring you for some time before reaching out! You had just stood out to me, you're amazing! Doll had almost immediately felt very jealous that others got your attention,,, Doll is also glad they sent that ask ^^ Knowing Bon gets excited when he sees a notification from me truly is a compliment, thank you Bon! Dolly is very happy it's able to flatter you my Bon <3

-Doll 💕🎀

My sleep wasn’t the best, actually. I purposefully tried to make it uncomfy to sleep so that I wouldn’t… ended up sleeping anyways, and it was probably the worst nap I’ve ever had. Not worth it </3

Good to hear that he didn’t break anything!

AH, those are all so well thought out. Thank you for taking the time to search for them and write down their meanings for me! I truly appreciate it. They’re all such gorgeous flowers, in both looks and what they symbolize.

Of course!! I was a bit worried I might’ve overstepped when addressing that bit to the entire system, but I’m relieved that it seems like it was appreciated. I was unsure if it would be seen as odd since I assume that I’ve only been talking to you so far, Doll. I’m sorry to hear that nobody’s acknowledged you guys like that before; you all deserve to be heard and seen :(

Ahah, I don’t think amazing is a word I’d use to describe myself, but I do appreciate that you think I am!! And don’t worry, Dolly, I will always have attention to give you. I enjoy our conversations quite a bit, so it’s always nice to check Tumblr and see something from you.

Just letting you know now… I may take a lil bit to respond to your next ask if you send one in response to this. I’m still very tired, and it’s making it kind of hard to think. I also might end up falling asleep again, so if I disappear, that’s why. I hope you don’t mind too much if my responses seem a bit slower and/or shorter… or if I end up falling asleep!! (^_^;)

[amiplural]

Hi! Recently I’ve been questioning whether I’m plural, (as you might’ve guessed, since I’m sending an ask to this blog, lol) but I’m scared that I’m subconsciously like, internalizing/being influenced by what systems mention about their experiences somehow? (Not sure if internalizing would be the right word, sorry lol)

Anyway, I dissociate a lot— especially recently (I’m a bit stressed form a play that I’m in and that seems to influence it, but that’s not what I’m meant to talking to you about). I’ve jokingly referred to it as going into a ‘video game character mode’, since it feels as if I’m not exactly controlling/experiencing being in my body— like a video game or movie.

The thing about it is, I’m always vaguely aware of what’s happening, it’s just like being numb. The closest I can compare it to is if you suddenly were experiencing the effect of laughing gas? If that makes any sense?

I change my preferred name and pronouns a lot, too, because my personality almost feels like it changes? But it’s still me, I think?

I don’t know, it confuses me a lot and I’m unsure. If you need more information about my experiences to help me with that more, I’ll happily provide it!

—🪷 lotus (just in case)

So, first of all I'd like to reassure you of two things!

One, there is actually an origin term for forming based on being around lots of other systems. Imo, this would be likely to happen due to things like autistic mirroring or "copycat" behaviors that can be caused by any number of types of neurodivergence.

Assimulogenic: An origin of plurality that involves gaining plurality due to assimilation or becoming plural because you are surrounded by plurals, very close with a plural, look up to a plural, or for any other reason one's subconscious would begin to assimilate. This is not a willogenic origin, meaning you do not chose to become plural, but it can be related to a common feeling of whistfulness in *wishing* you were plural or you were like the system that you are close with

However, what's even more common is realizing existing plurality as you start to interact with other systems. This is actually how we initially realized. We met ONE other system and our whole egg carton cracked like it was dropped on the floor xD

What you describe as "video game character mode" does sound like it could be someone switching in while you maintain awareness of the front. Looking into types of plural consciousness, like monoconsciousness, polyconsciousness, and more complicated types may help, though we are EXTREMELY BAD at explaining them (we're sorry! TT).

But yeah, that all makes sense and sounds like pretty classic dissociation. The changing names and pronouns while still feeling like you may be related to where you fall on the median to multiple scale (so, how separated and distinct you are from your headmates) or may have to do with your consciousness type, blendiness, or confronting... but honestly even in extremely multiple systems of any type I feel like this is pretty common. In a sense, you're all you (system) but not necessarily all the same you (individual), if that makes sense?

Anyway, you are welcome to share more experiences if you would like. The policy of this blog is to never tell anyone they are a system (no "I diagnose you with system!" xD) but it's very specifically because we are here to offer guidance but at the end of the day, you know your experiences better than we can.

However, if what you're looking for is just affirmation that you can identify as plural/a system: Yes. If you feel like you are a system, you can. If you're unsure, too, trying the label can help determine if it fits! You often can't tell if clothing fits just by looking at it, and the same goes for labels. You're not hurting anyone or taking any resources by exploring yourself/selves. If it turns out not to fit, no harm has been done, and you've had self-discovery you wouldn't have had without it.

But if it does, you will have found out specifically by trying it, and that's great! Not to throw a platitude at you, but you can do whatever you want forever with these labels. xD

I hope this helps, and want to make sure that this is a safe space. If any other potential headmates of yours want to share their own thoughts or experiences here, they are also welcome to.

It boils down to though, we trust your/y'all's judgment. Take the time you need to explore and figure out and feel secure in your identity. Whether you decide you're plural, or just an ally, we will welcome you here nonetheless <2

PS the name lotus is gorgeous!!

[lavenderjewels]

JJK season 2 ep 22 Thoughts!

+ manga spoilers❗️

Crunchyroll subtitles using they/them for Uraume is a relief after they used he/him for Tengen for no reason earlier in the season (also uzumaki is translated directly instead of maelstrom from movies translated! which is better for both the junji ito reference and consistency with the official manga)

Kenjaku, acting like they didn’t give birth to the child in front of them: sukunas vessel is tough! :o

Liked the episode! Naturally not as spectacular as some of the fight heavy episodes, but I actually love exposition/info heavy scenes, especially if there’s fun character interactions too. The power system is the most fun when it’s woven into the story like Kenjaku’s excuse for maximum uzumaki.

Mei Mei scene was just as bad as i thought it would be. Incredibly messed up that she’s where Nanami could only dream to go to, and taking advantage of her younger brother there,,, Too many anime/manga I’ve consumed (bsd, ouran, csm, sxf, etc.) have these exact trope(s) I hate at some point and the various reasoning behind it in each never really justifies the portrayal for me 😭 Unsure if it’s worse or better this is never brought up again in the manga.

Kenjaku turning Mahito into an orb was SO beautiful. The screams and distortion of Mahito’s body added a lot to it. Here’s to Kenjaku consuming 1/2 of their “friends” (Tengen look out)

Happy with Uzumaki! Well, much happier than the movie’s, since I didn’t like how difficult it was to see any of the curses at all. This was better, but the manga, with its Junji Ito seal of approval, depiction was still the most effective and disturbing. The build up to it was gorgeous. I’m still convinced Miwa is going to do something in the upcoming manga fight(s) 😤 Who needs a katana anyways.

Somehow realized this on rewatch, but I like how Kenjaku’s uzumaki was mostly for extracting Mahito’s technique across a vast distance and at specific people, rather than being a move just to take Miwa out. It clearly wasn’t a bother to them if they all survived (since they wanted messengers—and they’d probably end up in the culling games later anyway).

💕💞💓💗💖💝choso💕💞💓💗💖💘💝

I don’t have anything to say about him; he was very cute. I love how animated his expressions are in the anime and manga. Classic fun jjk humor with Kamo from Kyoto High getting scared when Choso screamed his name. I loved the music during his extended fight.

Kenjaku when Choso: This loser? Again?

A lot of characters I love all in one episode, so thrilled to see their interactions. I just like seeing the cast get together for fights and try to help.

Kenjaku flying around on the stingray was a cute addition and the extra bit of fighting was nice! Tiny preview of the fight to come whenever the end of season 3 is animated.

Kenjaku sounded more Evil™️ than I imagined during this scene (the dramatic music helped with that). I can’t wait until the anime finally shows how ridiculous and over-the-top they are, since that honestly makes them a much more entertaining and interesting villain imo. I don’t want to constantly compare to the manga because I adore the anime, but I thought Kenjaku was boring in the first season, until I started the manga. This season does much better (in terms of voice acting, animating expressions, etc) with making them unique and? villainous?? But it’s still leaning a bit more into generic mastermind villain. They can be imposing and a hammy villain parent. Did like their random “hehehe” during it

Uraume looked incredible. LOVE their ice powers and how they were animated. And their insulted and frustrated feelings shone through the voice acting. They do NOT like all those people around sukuna’s vessel and are annoyed to even be near Kenjaku in this whole mess of a situation.

🩷💖💘yuki tsukumo🩷💖💘😘

She is beautiful! And the constant avoidance from Geto and Kenjaku to answer her question about their types of women. With every passing moment, Todo telling only Megumi it’s fine if he likes guys is unbelievably hilarious, but also that’s why Todo is the best.

I’m hoping there’s naobito’s will and naoya included for the next episode. It would be a nice crumb of next season and confirmation of Naobito and maki’s statuses. Every one has covered around 3 chapters, so it’s not impossible. I could only see it not happening if they extend the Yuuta chapter because there’s pages of just text for the higher ups debating and for their decisions to kill yuuji and yaga.

This is how it feels knowing this episode might be the only time Yuuji and Kenjaku ever interact in canon, and Yuuji doesn’t even know about his parentage here:

Would I rather yuuji confront sukuna or kenjaku at the end of jjk? yes. is that going to happen? no.

[spookyheaad]

New KenUno AU!

@p-riama @girlwiththepapatattoo

Ok, my fellow Kenpachi lovers, I need you to read this because I’m about to pass on (context: I’ve convinced my parents to watch The Mandalorian with me & I got them hooked):

Then read the caption here:

I lost my fucking mind.

I became very enamored with Mandalorian culture after finally getting towards watching season 2 of Mando, and I’m actually kinda shocked as to how much it is reminiscent of the whole Kenpachi lineage in Bleach (Much less severe tho).

So yeah, KenUno Mandalorian!AU

Mandalorians aren’t a species, they’re a creed, so anyone can be a Mandalorian. Their lifestyle revolves around combat, I just got more info abt this stuff the other day and I’m actively looking more stuff up. Admittedly as I grew up watching the clone wars animated series, I wasn’t too interested in the arcs that dealt with Mandalorians (mainly Pre Vizsla & Death Watch. Thought they were cool & all but I was still in grade school and wanted to see cool lightsaber fights).

But now that I’m older and much more interested in the lore of SW, I’m fascinated by them; I’m also going to rewatch all Mandalorian centric episodes because there was a lot that was put into both clone wars & rebels (for research, and because I still need to watch Rebels, this might give me my reason).

I’m still thinking on solid designs for Unohana and little Yachiru, I have an idea of Kenny’s armor and what he looks like.

My whole idea is that both Kenpachi & Unohana have been longtime Mandalorians, have followed the creed for years; found one another through the creed. They follow a branch of Mandalorian belief that allows them to remove their helmets (compared to Din Djarin, who was raised in The Children of the Watch, who refuse to remove their helmets to any other living being unless necessary). Bo Katan even Tells Din that The Watch is an old Mandalorian belief system, bordering on cultists. Zaraki & Unohana adhere to a more lenient form of Mandalorian lifestyle in that sense.

Of course, Unohana found Zaraki (not as a child, though, he’s an adult when they meet.) and she offered to show him the ways of the Mandalorian creed; he accepted. They grow an incredibly strong bond both on and off the battlefield, wandering the galaxy together. Eventually they fall in love, and declare themselves a clan of two (Mandalorians refer to family units as “clans”).

Then, they find a lost little girl, that being Yachiru. Knowing what this entails, they both accept that the child is their responsibility, and must take it to more of her own kind or raise her until she may choose her path. So then, they become a clan of three.

I’m still trying to determine what faction they both belonged to & some other AU related things but, uh yeah, I could cry rn at how perfectly this fits.

I’m probably going to stick to the short hair for him because it just makes it easier. With Unohana I plan to give her a typical pulled back braid; she doesn’t really have a need to wear it in the front, and also it would restrict her head movement if she wore her front braid and her helmet. Much more convenient.

More head studies for Kenny

Started planning his helmet design. I gotta give his helmet horns, that’s just a given. Not sure if I want to add any sort of designs, and I’m also unsure of what color both of their armor sets should be, I have to look up if the colors have any connotation.

Final head study. I plan to do more variations in expression digitally.

Very basic head study with helmet on

Mando Kenny defending his foundling, Yachiru!

I’m also gonna change what Yachiru is wearing, I just wanted to do something full body for Zaraki & I gave Yachiru the typical robe since it’s easy and drawing kids is a bit of a challenge for me (they just end up looking like small adults lmaoo).

[saltyztuna]

Argenthill Magical Girl Yuri Au

(I’ll come back to add to this later)

OKOK in the zone rn so I’m just gonna jot down what I’ve cooked up for a argenthill magical girl yuri au uhm disclaimer 1. They are all adults in this au, a lot of the ‘professional’ magical girls in this universe do this as a job. 2. I am just trying to get this outta my brain rn before I forget so some details are a w.i.p and I also have not thought very far into this.. my brain just got distracted by a stray thought and decided it seemed interesting enough to pick up and build on 😖!!

onto some thoughts about argenti in this au..

the way argenti is introduced to magical girls-

(which I’m now shortening to MGs because I’m too lazy to type that 700 more times)

is through this au’s version of idrilla, argenti was sickly as a child and turned to stories and documentaries about MGs as a form of escapism. one day her tv was broadcasting a special on idrilla for a anniversary of some kind and argenti happened to be watching it that day. basically idrilla went on to talk about their career and their ideals. that broadcast inspired argenti to want to become a MGs. although since she was ill and didn’t have a good connection with magic- she couldn’t become one..

like it poisons her bad, she DOES NOT have a good reaction to it. and the illness she has is due to an overbundance already in her system.. so her caretaker doesn’t allow her to become one. it could kill her if she did attempt to become one normally.. but luckily for her on what is legit the worst day of her life- she stumbles upon an injured animal and nurses it to health. that animal turns out to be a MGs mascot. they’re miscellaneous animals that turn into various weaponry or armor. think mog from ff13-2!- argenti’s is a helmet. Idk the animal yet.. but it offers her a safe way to become a magical girl and she takes the offer. she quickly skyrockets onto the popularity charts due to her charisma and natural talent. her type of magical girl archetype is more of a kind of like idol/celebrity type magical girl. main motif are rose/feathers

main outfit design insp is lightning ff13-2 (mainly the feather skirt w armor combo…)

other misc insp is beauty and the beast fairytale (has a secondary form where her helmet falls onto her head and she enters an enraged beast state. she is both beauty and beast ehhhheheheheh)

Further design notes for self. make inside of hair white. keep armor even tho it’s gonna be ass to draw everytime.. I like to make myself suffer apparently.

sphere/casting staff combo.

as for boothill

Boothill picks up MGs as a side job to earn some extra cash and take out evil folk. she has an actual day job aside from her nightly magical girl vigilante justice shenanigans. still deciding on her job but maybe a family business of some kind. unsure if her daughter is alive or not but aside from the kinda angsty stuff in their backstories I want this au to be fluffy and silly🥹✌️ like things mights get tense depending on where I decide to take the story( I have ideas…) uhm but they do get a happy ending!! as for how boothill got roped into the magical girl world, since her daughter does/did exist in this au- I’m thinking maybe her daughter was obsessed with them and wanted to be one. whether or not she’s alive in this au or not, it leads to boothill becoming one. either to get extra money to keep her and her daughter afloat or in her daughter’s honor after her death. boothill doesn’t have a company or organization backing her. she does freelance work under an obscure unofficial guild.

Idrilla Yapping

Idrilla as big bad. Anti-villain. could have possibly been a hero or anti-hero if things had been slightly different. They disappeared a long while before the setting of the story. After spending years promoting the magical girl industry and basically popularizing it as well as inspiring a whole generation of magical girls- they uncovered the truth about the power system and culture they currently have and how it ends up leading to the death of many of the workers very early in life due to basically burning up their magical reserves and then their life force. Realizing they basically led these girls and young women to their doom, in repentance idrilla retires from their job and falls off the face of the planet. wanting to do right by the MGs she did wrong she vows to tear down the system and prevent anyone else from the same fate.

more misc stuff

⭐️boothill is aware of how the current system works, she hates it but manages to make it work in her favor for now.

⭐️argenti is unaware not out of naivety but because she chooses to ignore warning signs, out of a desperate need to believe the world is the beautiful place her idol once described it as. she doesn’t really have choice much else to believe in after her idol disappearence. because if it isn’t then why did she fight so hard for her place in it.

⭐️the magic used to make magical girls- can also turn them into the beasts they fight.

basically what happens is.. when a magical girl uses her powers too often and too recklessly. they begin to develop a syndrome where they become ‘allergic’ to their magic. this syndrome if not treated correctly then turns said magical girl into a monster.

Argenti has a version of this, until meeting her mascot she didn’t really use any type of magic but she already had an ‘allergy’ to the stuff.

⭐️

.

stuff im debating on adding or just thinking about

💥boothill’s daughter being a previous magical girl (she would probably have been in her teens? most magical girls are young adults but most start pretty early.. there aren’t many full-time magical girls who live past their 30s though.. 40s if they’re especially lucky or careful.) she probably died due to magical girl shenanigans. whether on duty or because of an ‘allergy’ to magic. clem was likely the only family boothill had left after an incident resulted in the death of the rest of her family. Clem, the only family she had left dying to due the magical girl industry- ended up making boothill hate the entire idea of it. she’s angry, and wants the people responsible to pay. but their aren’t many ways to reach the people in charge of the industry without working on the inside. so, despite hating the whole idea of magical girls she partners up with clem’s old mascot.

ANYWAYS THATS ALL I GOT! this is all over the place and kinda sucks(to me at least) but it was fun…✨✨✨

I also wrote this down on paper while brainstorming on the floor(??)

cus I guess that’s where I work best LMAO.. also writing with a pen on paper is faster than typing for me, and my brain was going wild.

[crayonon]

🔥Flarecare Story🔥

After-Dinner Conversation

For this story I wanted to detail FC!Polly’s family life before she got admitted to the hospital, as well as some headcanons for TUC. She definitely has no problems experiencing emotions now lol

Doom was just cleaning up after their family reunion dinner. All of their family friends and relatives came over to catch up and talk about what was going on in their lives now that the peril of the hospital was behind them. The adults all talked about whatever and the kids were all sat in their rooms or playing outside until dinner was ready. Right now it was nearly 11 P.M., everyone else had driven back home and all of the others did their chores for the aftermath of the dinner. Uni and Barry were in charge of the dishes, Polly was in charge of checking through all the rooms for anything the kids might’ve left behind. Doom was on dish sorting duty, so he had to wait until the dishwasher cycle was over.

He was in the middle of sorting the plates from small to large when he heard descending footsteps from his right. A smooth voice that was raspy with sleep caught his attention.

“Hey, Doom…”

It wasn’t until he looked up when he saw the source of the voice.

“Oh. Hey Polly, I thought you said you were going to bed.”

Polly usually went to bed earlier, since a side effect of the after-treatment meds was drowsiness. Polly ran a hand through her hair and let out a sigh.

“Yeah, yeah I… couldn’t sleep. Wanted to see what you were up to.”

“Well, not much. Still sorting the dishes out.”

Polly nodded and hummed an affirmative response. He was then silent for a while. Like he was thinking of saying something. He wanted to tell them something, but something inside of them was too afraid to.

“… h-hey, honey?”

Doom looks up at Polly and notices the unsure expression on their face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“N-nothings wrong, just um,”

Polly chews on her lip nervously, a habit that she picked up after the release from the hospital.

“You remember why I said my parents couldn’t make it to the dinner today?”

Doom turns fully towards Polly, leaning against the counter. “Yeah, you said they were busy with their work and had to travel out of state?”

Polly nods. “Yeah. I wanted to tell you that I might’ve been a little… untruthful when I said that.”

Doom’s look said it all. Polly continues. “The thing is… I don’t know what they’re doing.”

“What?” Doom gets up and pulls up a seat at the table before sitting down skullself. “Have a seat. You can explain it more.”

Polly takes its seat in front of its husband. “Thank you…”

“You are in a state to explain it more, right?”

Polly nods, swallowing the lump in its throat. “Yes, s-sorry.

It sighs. “I like to think I had a good relationship with my parents. They weren’t negligent, I had access to a good education, and all that other stuff. But they had a problem with me running off when I was little, and I think that’s what caused my TUC. One day, we decided to go to a farm. I was 13 years old at this point. When they weren’t looking I decided to sneak a drop of the unfiltered winter plorb milk that’s usually the hotspot for the virus.” It chuckled sadly. “It wasn’t even that good, if I’m being honest.

“When I first got my TUC, my mom and dad were understandably worried about me. The first stages were always hard. The virus takes a while to spread fully to the final stages. First, I started to feel warmer and it would only get worse every week. They didn’t know what it was, and they tried every cold medicine and remedy they could find. Every pill, every shot, every cough syrup, and keep in mind, a cure for this was not available yet. It was just springing up out of nowhere and it irked every scientist as well. It got to the point that I actually vomited one day because of all the different medicine in my system.

“The second stage didn’t help my parents at all. I then started to feel slightly less warm. My parents were ecstatic, because they thought that it was clearing up. What I was actually going through was a transitional period of my temperature. My temperature dropped and didn’t stop dropping. I then noticed how the kids at school were… nicer to me than usual. Even I didn’t know what it was. I started getting full body shivers, cold sweats, joint pain, and it wasn’t until I woke up in a pool of my own condensation that I asked my parents to get me diagnosed.

After my diagnosis , my parents… didn’t really know what to do at this point. We didn’t know anything about the virus, about how contagious it was, how it’s spread, if they were exposed to it and were just asymptomatic, so they just didn’t know what to do. So they just left it. I stayed a final stage patient for almost 4 years before I got old enough to be admitted to the hospital. And, well,���

Polly gestured to his feet.

“You know how that went.”

“Then, when we all got freed, why weren’t your parents at the house?”

Polly got still. “… One of the symptoms of the virus is a loss of memory. When we finally signed the paperwork, I was so excited to see my parents again. My family, my neighborhood, anything that was familiar to me. But…” Polly felt a lump in their throat. “… I didn’t know where. I didn’t know where they were. After more time, I realized that I didn’t even remember my own relatives. It has been so long that everything I remember has been wiped away. I forgot my parents, their names, their ages, my address, the few friends I had made,” Polly’s tears started flowing freely. “Everything. I forgot everything I loved. I don’t even know if I should be mad at myself or my parents, what was even the point of escaping if everyone you know has probably presumed you as dead and you can’t even tell them you’re still alive?? I can’t even call them because, I c-can’t even remember my home phone…”

Polly starts sobbing quietly. Doom quickly gets up and wraps his arms around it, running his hand through its scalp. “Polly, Polly, it’s alright… I’m sure we’ll be able to find your family, we just haven’t tried every option yet. When… when I was born, I was put up for adoption. I don’t even know where they are now, or if they’re even still alive. It has been so long since… and I still miss them.”

He pulls back to look at Polly, and wipes a stray tear from her eye with his thumb. “You’re not alone in this. You have a whole network of people who can help you this time.” He kisses her nose. “Things are different now.”

She sniffles, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “Thanks… you don’t know how much this means to me…”

“… I do.”

Doom helps her up from the chair. “Do you need a minute to yourself, or…?”

Polly chuckles, her mood starting to brighten. “No, I’m positive that I will start crying again if that happens. Maybe we can watch something until I go to sleep?”

Doom smiles. “Sounds like a plan.”

Doom wraps their arm around its shoulders and guides it back upstairs.

[adversitybloomed]

🌸  ┊ letter received from @battleguqin       𝑳𝒂𝒏 𝑺𝒊𝒛𝒉𝒖𝒊 :  “ i told you before. i’m not gonna let anything in this world nor the next harm you. “

         she watched him for a moment, her brows drawn together as she his care for her overwhelmed her. a lump seemed lodged within the back of her throat, rendering her unable to speak though her eyes seemed to spill the secrets of her feeling that she dared not say. she knew that her eyes had a glassy look to them, for she could feel the sting of tears beginning to form.

         ever since they had first met, he had touched her soul in a way that she had never felt before, and ever since she could feel her feelings grow for him in a way she did not think was possible. she was unsure of how to tell him or if he even felt the same way, but she had realized not to long ago that she was in love him ━━ and it showed.

         his words resonated with her, the promise he spoke of seeming so long ago. but they spoke true, as each time she was with him, he took care of her, consistently trying to make her life better though he did not realize that just his presence alone was enough. when they were parted from another, she thought of him often, wondering if he was training, sleeping and eating well. hoping that he was not pushing himself too far past his own limits and taking the time to enjoy himself while spend a while with his friends. he still wrote to her often enough, sending presents he thinks she might like, not realizing that she cherished each one as her most prized possessions.

         what she had not expected though, was to see him again so soon ━━ especially considering the fact she had not told him how bad things had gotten, for she did not want to worry him. she was unsure of how he had known a snake had bitten her, but the moment he came to her she knew he knew of the event as his violet eyes went to her right ankle. all she could do was hope that he had not yet figured out the culprit for she knew from his past vows they would not fair well from his retaliation.

         as he bent to examine the wound, she knew that it looked worse then it actually was, for the poison was burning off rather quickly in her system thanks to her flames. but she could not help but blink as she tried to fight away the urge to cry, especially given that his touch sent welcomed shivers to the very depths of her soul.

        ❝  sizhui  ━━  ❞    her voice broke before she could even finish his name, the feeling of warmth for him overwhelming her as lost control of herself and reached for him. softly she embraced him, her arms encircling around his chest as her head moved to rest within the nook of his shoulder. taking a breath, she breathed him in, as a tears finally found their escape and dropped onto his silk robes, ❝  all is well now....  ❞