#truly the only way to be productive with adhd is to have some other task youre avoiding doing

[crypt1dcorv1dae]

Me yesterday avoiding switching over the laundry: this is the perfect time to match socks :)

[irisbaggins]

This episode, and the topic of rage and anger is oddly topical for me today. Specifically, another fellow student and I discussed our ADHD, and how we both, independently, sometimes trigger anger/rage on purpose to help us finish tasks. How, whilst we both don't like being angry and the loss of control that sometimes follows, it's an incredibly motivating emotion that's really useful sometimes. Especially in academic settings, when you have to sit down and write yet your brain refuses to do it. We both have done the same thing; engaged in an environment that will purposefully trigger a rage so we can be productive. Anger and rage, when utilised productively, can be an incredible motivator.

And to bring this over to Junior Year, I find Porter's speech to Gorgug in this episode (Vulture Clash) to be true. It rang incredibly true for me. Rage feels good, sometimes, but it's an incredibly useful emotion in certain situations. Yes, it can be a detriment in some, but others? It can be productive, helpful, motivating. It's also why, I think, we see such a shift in Porter's attitude as well; he was pushing Gorgug. Specifically, attempting to make Gorgug stand up for himself. The first scene in Freshman Year that occurs on campus grounds is of Gorgug being mistreated, and apologising for standing up for himself. Gorgug has a habit of trivialising the harm done to him, and of never protecting himself. By consistently attempting to needle Gorgug, Porter was - in a rather fucked up way, admittedly - attempting to challenge that part of Gorgug, to get him to fight back.

Porter, whilst being a Barbarian and loving his rage, also seems to understand what that emotions truly means. He's a multiclass! He has spells, he has things that would clash with rage! So, to hear him speak of rage as a tool, as something that can be good, when aimed at a target, it makes sense. Especially when he finally gets Gorgug to admit why he's uncomfortable with his rage.

As someone who has struggled with anger and rage their whole life, I find myself often uncomfortable with it. I see so much of myself in Gorgug and his relationship with anger, which makes this episode so important to me. Especially when I had a conversation about rage and its utility mere hours earlier. Gorgug was scared of his anger, specifically what he lost by giving into it. By being in a rage, Gorgug can't cast spells, can't help his friends protect themselves with magic or gadgets. He would only be able to protect them with his body, which has failed him before. He couldn't find the usefulness of rage, until he did. Until he was pushed into anger through the events that happened at the Fair, until he let himself be angry about Porter's treatment of him. And then, he's told that it's okay to be angry, that it's okay for him to be angry at the way he's treated. It's okay for him to be angry. Anger can be useful, but also, sometimes it's nice to be angry.

However, anger should not be your only emotion. Porter signed the MCAT, which was not only a promise he made, but I believe also a reminder of the fact. Porter approved of the Artificer classes, meaning Gorgug can multiclass into Artificer. A class he cannot - currently - use rage in. Rage is useful, another tool. Now, Gorgug needs to find the balance that is required of him.

And I for one cannot wait to see where this goes.

[fabled-lady-twilla]

I really am my own worst enemy when it comes to my writing... 😭😭😭

So, over the past two days I performed a little experiment to figure out what environmental factors/mental states/any other factors help me get more writing done vs. hinder me so that I get less writing done.

First day, I didn't do anything different than I normally would. So, I ate breakfast, took my ADHD meds, put on my writing playlist at low volume, sat down at my cluttered desk with a cup of coffee, and started writing. As usual, after spending some time organizing my thoughts, I was able to get some writing done but it was nowhere near my word count goals, and per usual, I was frustrated with myself. It wasn't one of my good days.

I'd write a couple of sentences, get discouraged by my own unhelpful thoughts, then desperately search for a serotonin boost in the form of an Instagram reel or some other brainrot activity in which I doomscrolled for a bit until my brain said: I'm happy again, let's try writing more.

Then, I nitpicked every fucking word (not every sentence, not every paragraph, every WORD) I wrote, compared my writing to other people's writing, and had a general 'my writing isn't good enough and therefore I'm not good enough' mentality. I couldn't even get a sentence out without some form of negative self-talk happening, and I know many other writers can relate to this. We're often far too harsh on ourselves and it does nothing but make us upset.

Second day, I completely changed everything and on god, I literally researched how to become more productive with writing and freaking ✨forced✨ myself to apply these changes to see if it truly made a difference. Being in therapy for many years, one thing I'm really good at is experimenting with methods that help me become better at something and getting rid of things that hinder me. I'm really good at applying (minor) changes quickly to see if they help. So, I ate breakfast, took my meds, made a cup of coffee like usual.

But here is what I did differently:

I completely cleared off and cleaned my desk space so that it wasn't cluttered and had less distractions.

I closed out all of my tabs that had any other novels or fanfiction stories, so I didn't give myself a chance to compare.

I didn't let myself 'organize my thoughts' or do a bunch of unnecessary 'pre-tasks' before I started writing.

I set a timer on my phone and literally put it on the other side of my room. I set my time for an hour and dedicated the hour to writing only and no socializing or engaging with social media.

Like the article below suggested, I wrote in shorts bursts and took small breaks during that hour, which eased anxiety.

Any time I thought 'wow, this isn't going to work and I'm going to have another day of not meeting my writing goals' I simply turned it on its head, forcing myself to say something along the lines of 'wow, lets forget writing goals today and be open to the discovering new ways to write and be happy while doing it'.

I told myself, 'it doesn't matter if it's perfect or if I can't find the right words. I'm just going to write out a bunch of paragraphs and see what I get'. I didn't care or pay attention to grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors, I just wrote without judgement.

I'm sure anyone reading this won't be surprised to hear that not only did I get more writing done, I went beyond my word count goal without even realizing it and enjoyed myself while doing it!!!!

Go beyond, PLUS ULTRA!!!! Lmao. 🤣🤣🤣

Why am I always SO hard on myself? It does nothing but ensure that I get less writing done and make the act of writing as miserable as possible. It's like I forget that I love writing and it's my biggest passion in life, haha.

These are just a couple of articles I used to make some changes:

[koopytron]

For Disability Pride Month, I just wanna share some thoughts.

If you are not currently disabled, you will be.

Whether it's temporary (broken leg, pregnancy, surgery recovery, etc) or permanent (paralysis, macular degeneration, lost of limb(s), chronic pain, neurodivergent, etc), you will need aid.

Whether you need tools (wheelchair, leg brace, glasses, text-to-speech, etc) or not, you will need aid.

Ableism affects everyone. Becoming older is just a countdown to some form of disability; do not fear the inevitable. Instead, look to your peers who are already affected and gain insight into what truly helps them. Because you will be next. Do not fall into the trap that you are immune to the lack of ramps or public transit.

More under the break.

While I have you, here are ways you can be more accommodating:

- Speaking clearly for those with autism, and repeat yourself (sometimes with different wording) to help them understand. Let them stim and decompress in their own ways.

- Being patient with those with ADHD, they DO want to do those tasks and answer your texts. Give them the time to find the executive function to do so. Don't take a suddenly productive day as their new normal.

- Do not stigmatize those with mental illnesses. Sometimes it is genetic and out of their control, sometimes it is caused by too much stress, and sometimes they are simply not getting the help they need. Create clear boundaries if you must. Sometimes it can be scary, and it's your choice on how to respond. But stigmatizing is the last thing you want to do. It could be you next time.

- Please move out of the way of wheelchairs if you can. It's easier for an abled person to walk through dirt and grass and wheelchairs are more expensive than you might realize; most people cannot afford them to replace them. Please do NOT push them around unless they specifically ask for it. Otherwise you are kidnapping them and it's terrifying.

- People in leg braces and other mobility aids will move slower. They know they are slower. Being huffy about it will not fix their condition. Find the patience to step around them when there is the space to do so.

- Glasses are a disability aid. They are just normalized and sometimes even fashionable. Thought I would point it out since some people don't view themselves as disabled despite wearing them everyday.

- People with chronic pain often bear it without any external signs. Never assume someone is perfectly healthy when they politely decline to give up their seat on a bus or have a handicap marker on their car and you see them walk into the store. For some people, walking for twenty minutes to pick up milk and eggs is all they can manage before they have to rest their feet and parking closer keeps them from collapsing in the parking lot.

- Do not talk to deaf people like they are stupid. Barring any other conditions, they are just like you and me. Speak normally. Most can read lips if you face them. Learning a few signs like "thank you" and "hello" is easy and even fun. (I know about a dozen signs myself and still trying to learn more!)

- Related to that, for anyone making subtitles, if the dialogue is in another language and the audience is supposed to know what they are saying, please find it in your heart to convey it. None of this "Speaking in an alien language" unless the hearing audience is also supposed to be clueless. When it's a real language this is even worse.

- Also, lots of people use text-to-speech programs. Usually because they are blind in some way. Please avoid using acronyms and replacing real spellings with fake ones. The parsers cannot make any sense of k!ll and su!c!de. Just use kill and suicide for the love of god.

I could go on and on, but even if this post has left a lasting impression on only one person then it was worth it. We are all each other's support system. Laws that affect disabled people now will also affect you in the future. Overpriced medicine will also be the prices you will be paying. Insurances will find ways to not cover you because they are assholes.

No one wants to be disabled. No one is gloating about the frankly laughable amount the government provides in aid, if they give out anything at all. Disabled people often lose benefits upon marriage. They are not a subclass for you to ignore. Unlike being a certain sexuality or gender, being disabled is something you can be thrusted in without warning at any time.

Therefore, we must take pride in our disabilities, because feeling shame is not an acceptable replacement.

[productiveborg]

“Just Make a To Do List” - ADHD and Popular Productivity Advice

My hyperfixation on productivity began in 2017 when I first left my four-year university due to my crumbling mental health. I can confidently say this was the lowest point in my life, one that I did not think I would crawl out of. 

It is true that binging videos from creators like Ali Abdaal and Karma Medic helped me build sustainable habits and routines, but I often found myself thinking that certain tips just didn’t work for me. 

I always struggled with focusing on one task for a prolonged period of time, especially when it came to studying or writing papers. Many productivity gurus discourage us from multi-tasking or alternating between various things, but I found myself able to accomplish much more when I broke projects down into micro-steps. 

My productivity system has been my baby over the years, adapting and changing as I began attending community college and working full time. It has grown with me as I have gained new hobbies and interests, and it truly keeps me functional every day. 

This system resembles a video game, where I receive 5XP for every task I complete (some tasks receive more, depending on how difficult they are). I break everything down into smaller and more digestible bits, whether it is cleaning for ten minutes at a time - or only picking up/putting away ten things - or reading one chapter of a book before putting it down. 

I have helped a few friends create their own productivity systems that work for them, and I am once again reminded that not every productivity tip works for me. 

Sometimes I feel like I am pushing the “just make a to do list” narrative, but I have seen how creating fun and adaptable productivity systems can help my friends struggling with ADHD or depression. There have been days where I feel like I will be stuck sitting on my bed for hours, unable to hit “start” on the day. Having a guidebook for my daily routines and things I want to watch, accomplish, write, or read has been life-changing. 

All of this is a roundabout way of saying that while popular productivity hacks work for many people, it is important to realize that there is no true “rule-book” for what productivity looks like. We must find things that work for us and our own reality, versus comparing our habits to others. 

(I am back to watching productivity videos again and I had thoughts.)

(I might start sharing my notion system and other tips I give my fellow neurodivergents that have helped them build better habits) 

[gloryofluv]

How the Last Three Brothers react to MC with ADHD

So this is the last half of the brothers. I also added some bonus content at the bottom in regards to all of them!

Here's the first four in case you missed them!

Asmo-

Heard about it from Satan. Was amused, but definitely didn’t care too much about it.

After meeting you the first time he decides that you’re not quite his type, but is friendly anyway. It wasn’t until he noticed that you were trying to mimic his makeup and did a stellar job that he was interested. He flat out asks you why.

When you express that he’s the most beautiful friendliest demon and wants to fit in more that he gushes! He immediately starts to have beauty sessions and finds out through teaching you proper hair care that you confess that you never feel like you fit in and want to, that he asks more about your ADHD.

Telling Asmo is easier than Lucifer. Mostly because he’s hugging you and brushing out your hair. Relaxing you into a state where you’re able to admit how awkward it makes you feel.

He immediately makes it his goal to improve your self-confidence! Doesn’t ask. Barges into your room with products, brushes, and other items at least once a week. You review the week and he listens to your worries. If someone is bothering you at RAD, he has ways of ending their lives in social suicide.

This beautiful boy becomes your gal pal with benefits. He always has something healthy to offer for your skin, clothing that he wants you to try on, and never says one horrible thing about you. He LOVES that you want assistance with your Devilgram and makeup. He even doesn’t mind when you zone out. He’ll be patient and repeat it.

Alone time? Well, don’t expect him to leave you completely alone. He’ll text you and not worry about receiving answers right away. He knows sometimes you just need to hear what he does. You give him so many compliments that his ego is boosted through the roof. He suddenly can’t live without you!!! Don’t leave him, okay? Other than Solomon, he’s never adored a human this much.

Beelzebub-

This boy. He didn’t care, but not because he was indifferent. He was just like, okay??? Doesn’t get it.

Notices you don’t snack or you snack all the time. No in-between. That’s a problem. Humans need to eat, right? Starts to make extra afternoon snacks for you. Doesn’t even make a big deal out of it. He just knocks on your door with water and a plate, offering them and leaving.

Notices that you’re tired or ready to run for a mile. No middle. Starts to ask if you want to go with him every day and will carry you on his back if you’re tired. Once something happens once it’s routine. Expect a knock at your door every afternoon with a snack and then going for a jog.

He isn’t as interested in the clinical details but asks you what it means when you become closer. You explain in a simplistic fashion why your brain is weird. He laughs and nods but still says he likes you just the way you are.

If you ever get sad, he will definitely ask if he can help. If you get tired, he’s used to carrying around a tired teddy bear. He offers to carry you. If you’re stress he’ll ask if he can give you some of his snacks and hug you.

He really likes you. A lot. You’re always saying how sweet, kind, and gentle he is. He’s just himself, but he always glows when you say it. It makes him warm and fuzzy.

If anyone makes you cry. Be prepared for this gentle giant to go full apocalyptic demon. He will ruin them! It doesn’t matter if he finds out after the fact. He will find them and eat them. No one fucks with his little human cupcake. Well, inedible cupcake, he’d never eat you. (Well… he had thoughts when you playfully tease, but no. He could never hurt you and worries about that.)

Beel is literally your bodyguard and teddy bear. Expect big hugs, head pats, and plenty of food. That’s the way he shows his love. You will have to tell him you can’t eat so much and he can have it and to tell you how it tastes. He’d be happy to share that and anything else of his. He’d give you anything because he sincerely loves you like his brothers. Maybe more? Food = love, right?

Belphegor-

Meets you well after there are established routines. He notices how you are so odd for a human. He likes it, but then he doesn’t, but then he really does. He asks Beel about it and that’s how he finds out about your ADHD.

A weird brain? That might be fun. He uses that as a base to start contact with you. You tell him all about it without resistance and explain how the last several months have gone.

He suddenly has the urge to see how much your quirky personality is entertaining for him. He asks you to tell him more stories, they don’t even have to be about the Devildom. You tell him all the funny and ridiculous stories laying with him in the planetarium. It was… endearing.

He instantly adored you. You made him feel something more than bitter and tired. He listened to you and snoozed, opening an eye every so often to see you smiling and animatedly talking. He liked the inflections in your voice. He liked the smile on your lips. He liked that you were weird because he is sure as fuck was.

The fact that you were unique and still felt awkward in your own skin except when you were alone made him identify. Sees you. Sees that your struggles didn’t define you. Your issues, no matter the list, didn’t make you angry or mean.

Not only did he value your forgiveness and care. He valued your differences the most. He didn’t care if you were a bit wild or sad or even stressed. He would pull you into a tight snuggle and kiss your hair. He’d wait until you were almost napping in his arms to say he’d never let anyone else ever hurt you. He would love you for every piece of you for eternity.

He’d never admit to his soft and fluffy side in front of his brothers, often teasing you, but his hinted smile only reinforced your private friendship. It was all part of the layers you both built so no one truly could dig to the fluffy pillows you were.

Soon naps and confessions became routine in the afternoons after RAD. He would spill his heart out in return for your sincerity. It would make you mushy and relax you so that you could release the day.

Expect Beel and Belphie to become inseparable with you. The minute this little cuddle bear identifies that you are his squishy human, he tells his twin it’s their job to make sure you never leave them. He is a bit demanding but always returns the favor in different subtle ways.

Expect midnight texts and asking you to come up to his room or the attic. Insomnia is no longer really an option. The moment he latches onto you, you’re comforted like a weighted blanket and out in minutes.

Expect secretive treats, blankets, and gifts left in discreet places for you. Expect him to wait for you outside the classroom if you’re not together with Beel holding him up. Oh, and don’t even think you’re getting out of it. He found the one thing he loves more in life than sleeping. He dreams about you all the time and will tell you all about them, even the dirty ones to your chagrin. This demon boy will do anything to keep you happy and his.

~BONUS~ Fun additives!

Lucifer often asks Mammon to be sure that you aren’t stressing over homework and has him go check on you. That usually leads to some antic that makes you relax and have more fun and less anxiety.

Satan has a favorite blanket that he’ll wrap you both in when you’ve had a long day. It has aromatherapy and helps him too. It’s weighted and often both of you relax and find a way to laugh over books or a cat video.

Asmodeus has a whole wish list on Akuzon made just for you. Some items are personal care, others are cute stuffed animals because he knows you have bad days. Lucifer knows of this list and will often offer some money for doing a simple task so he can buy them for you.

Belphie will tolerate sharing your time with Leviathan to play video games or watch anime. As long as you allow him to curl against you so he can watch you smile or hear the thrum of your voice as you talk to Levi about the game or show.

If you are crying and Lucifer caught you, he will pull you into his study. Sit you down with tea and ask you what’s wrong. If you tell him it’s just a bad moment, he will break formality and stroke your hair. He will tell you stories about his brothers so that you start to smile and relax. He fucking lives for that smile.

Satan sets up mock adventures through the Devildom so that you enjoy the impulse of adventure without the dangers. (Mammon does enough endangerment to your impulses!) He will be sure while setting it up that it’s human proof. He also asks Solomon for extra warding charms for you without telling you. They’re usually hand-made bracelets that Satan crafted and attuned by the sorcerer.

Leviathan will do check-ins when you’re at RAD and he isn’t. If you feel upset about something, he will quote TSL at you to give you courage. Then when you get home, he will have a video game you have to try. Soon you’ve forgotten about the stressful day.

Asmodeus will take pictures with you allllll the time. He says it’s for him because he’s so beautiful, but his captions are always about how gorgeous you are while tagging you. Half of RAD thinks you’re dating just because of how much you’re on his Devilgram.

Beel will listen to everything you say. He may not respond immediately, but he evaluates it. If you’re having a really rough go at something, he will ask Belphie what to do. Often he’ll just sit with you or ask if you want to help him in the garden just so he can try to make you smile. He’s not horribly good with bad feels, but he will do anything for you.

[thevirgodoll]

How can you be confident while struggling with depression?? I really want to be better and do better but my depression makes it so hard :(

Honestly first I got medication from my psychiatrist after it got to a point to where just therapy wasn’t doing it for me. This may not be for everyone but it was for me. Second, I had to reshape my entire life. I had to accommodate my mental illnesses instead of invalidating and treating it all like a burden.

LISTEN WHAT IM ABOUT TO SAY YOUR DEPRESSION WILL CHALLENGE BUT IT WORKS!!! CONSISTENT WORK MAKES CONSISTENT RESULTS!!! NO MORE CLOWNERY!!! ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! <3

•taking my medications consistently for two years now, I’ve changed some but I’ve started to settle on what works for my bipolar and ADHD

•not feeling guilty for bad days because they will be there...letting myself cry, letting myself be manic, letting myself just be - free of judgment...no matter what I feel sometimes

-> always being honest about how I feel no matter how scary it can get

•getting proper sleep...we always say this but I do my best even in manic episodes, it’s a game changer (one of my medicines puts me to sleep so that’s another thing to look into lol)

•staying hydrated so my brain can try its best to actually function

•scheduling reminders during depressive episodes, having a schedule in general during weekdays

•monitoring my moods with a mood tracker app

•organizing my week productively with Notion app

•dressing up even when I’m not going anywhere to feel good

•having a consistent morning and night routine to keep my mental health stable

-> with that routine comes meditation, yoga, tea, skincare, hygiene

•journaling digitally on Notion and physically in a diary

•got my puppy a year ago...he’s gonna be 2 next year... so I have something to truly wake up for so I always take him out on a walk for fresh air, lovely sunlight, feed him, play with him, pet him...I’m gonna tear up because it’s the fact he relies on me to keep going so this is one of the most important bullet points (he literally knows how I feel all of the time and watches me all day long and he’s only a year old)

•taking breaks and self care days when I need it, trying not to push myself too far, but knowing some days I will (& not pressuring myself to make every single day productive because I am fighting to do the most every single day)

•knowing what i’m good at ... making sure I partake in my hobbies after my productive tasks are complete...if I don’t relax doing my creative hobbies (music, writing) it is a bad day for me!

•keeping my environment clean...scheduling Sundays for cleaning - laundry, sheets, deep clean, and other days for dishes and what not

•having a beautiful environment, my glam apartment is just as lovely as I am and makes me feel calm and relaxed especially with online school

•observing my thoughts and counteracting them with positive affirmations...because I know I’m beautiful and not defined by my battles I can live and be successful each and every day

•rewarding myself for little things I do for myself

•nurturing my younger self/my inner child, continuing to do what I loved as a child and validating what I felt as a child and moving beyond it

•focus so much on myself that nothing else really matters, I am the most important person to myself and I know that I’m special, these are truths depression can’t take away...take time to learn yourself and I say that because you have to relearn who depression took from you...that person is in there somewhere you just have to look!

•working on my thought process, it’s been a certain way for so long that I can snap out of it most of the time — ask yourself why you think things and you will get to a part of your brain that is irrational and realize it must be addressed...journaling can help with this!

Sometimes depression feels like screaming into the void for a long time without anyone listening but I hear you, don’t give up!!! We are all holding on to the silver lining of life. It’s up to you to find it inside of yourself and the little things around you!!!

[isoisolated]

I have ADHD and it's not fun

29/12 edit: coming back to this post, I just wanted to add that at the time of writing, my adhd was unmedicated. Thought this might be good thing to note. 

My friend Ondrej kept sending me articles and texts posts written by other adhd people (mostly adult males) that it finally pushed me to write my own, because even though I could relate to some minor and major parts, something always felt a bit of and also because ADHD is a condition that's been heavily ignored by medical professionals not only in adults, but especially in adult women, which is a group I sort of represent myself. 

I could talk about this for ages, my therapist frequently tells me that I have this gift of intense self-analysis and immense passion to get it all sorted out once for all. I guess it's another way of saying I'm so hyperaware of my own existence and my brain simply latches onto it and constantly tries to solve its own problems. 

If you do not care about my own personal history, just skip to second headline.

I was clueless for the first 20 years of my existence

Now, ADHD isn't the only thing that's been making me feel almost alien, I dare to say that my puberty years were mostly about developing and internalising bit of trauma and processes that do no good in later life. 

I love music. And I mean I truly endlessly unconditionally love music. Being a daughter of music composer, I was 6 when I first asked my dad to show me where to press record in Logic Pro and told him to leave me alone while I recorded my first song. It was called Autumn is here and it sounded like something made by 6 years old. 

I remember we were attending castings for TV shows or commercials and later I was told that it was me who initiated such trips and that I always wanted to be a part of such things. I don't remember initiating such things but I remember for sure that I was very shy and uncomfortable when I was supposed to show off. 

I remember I was supposed to take piano lessons. And I was so baffled that I had to follow the book and play what's in the book, instead of playing thing I wanted. I think I told my parents after few lessons that I do not like it and was dropped outta it. This became a pattern, if I recall correctly. 

But that's nothing out of ordinary, kids are harder to get focused and entertained. I remember two moments from elementary school where I was told by my classmates that I'm acting like I have ADHD and it got me real mad every time, because in my head ADHD looked like not paying attention in class, being body hyper and overall just annoying. 

I could find a proof that I made myself first to-do list when I was 14. Since 14 I felt like I need more self control and self regulation, that I need to fit myself more into ambitions I had and have and in order to do that, I started making to-do lists with ambiguous tasks such as “work more on music” and “work-out”. It was also in during my great isolation era, I had no real life friends but one that I was seeing occasionally, I wasn't going out, I came from school on Friday afternoon and left my room on Monday morning. I was making friends online since I was 11 and lived mostly online. 

At that time I also started figuring out what was wrong with me. Since ever I always felt a bit “off” compared to my peers, I always felt weird (and was told that thousand of times in my life), I always felt like I was thinking about things a bit differently and my humour was different and my hobbies were seen obscure by my classmates (even though they weren't obscure at all). I felt alone for most of my growing up and feelings of complete loneliness and detachment haunt me to this day, making me spiral. 

I thought I might suffer from bipolar disorder, because I had high energy episodes and my emotions were so intense. I was crying almost everyday for both external and internal reasons, my head sometimes felt like too much and I found temporary peace in self-help books and esotericism. 

I was around 17-18 when I realised all of this is bullshit and that no book can make me do things that I wanna do. I'd spent hours, days and months thinking about doing things, being crippled by this weird force that hold my body down, unable to do anything, no matter how much I wanted it. I'd beat myself up for it, thinking I was just so damn lazy and stupid and pretentious. I wanna be a popstar, a successful musician, I have to do all these things and if not, I'm gonna fail so much and my life will lose its meaning. 

When I was 17, I released my first EP and for some reason, it found some attention and success, if we might call it that. Suddenly I felt on the right path, I was seen as a musician and also very young one. Even though I still was sad almost every day or had intense sadness episodes that could last for a week, it felt right and I couldn't wait to finish high school and become a full time musician. 

I'd produce music in unplanned episodes of total focus, where I would sit and do things for hours straight, without eating. My most favorite songs were made during 6-8 hour sessions and it felt amazing. I couldn't bring myself to produce music if I hadn't the right vibe or idea for it. 

It was around that time this woman texted me, saying she wants to be my manager and that she really likes my music. It felt so unreal but here I am, with my own professional manager, on my way to be the most amazing music person.

I'd crush on people (and mostly boys and men) constantly, it was also very episodic, could last for days to month where I'd had nothing on my mind but them, drowned in daydreaming and just imagining things and also letting them know all of that. It was magical but it was fleeting. It still is. But it is the greatest inspiration, where I feel so much emotions it makes me see things and then I can transform them into music. 

But there was still something wrong with me, I was very emotional, still struggling with making my routines work, I'd come up with new plans and schedules every week just to fail them the day after. It was exhausting and I saw nothing alike in my world too, I was alone and my experience was just not enough will power. 

I could get mad so easily, I'd clench my fists and was so close to punching someone and when I hated someone I hated them with immense passion and spent hours just imagining myself confronting them. I was so mad all the time on background too and even slightest thing would put me in classic rage mode.

I have problems remembering dates and names, I'm bad at remembering people's faces, I'm bad at learning things by myself even though I have interest in them. I'm bad at making routine for myself and actually following it.

I finished high school and planned to go study abroad but it turned out it isn't what I want so I came back and started looking for a job. Around that time I met my now best friend and thanks to him I actually started thinking even harder what might be wrong with me, so I looked up ADHD. And didn't believe that at all. I wasn't like this, was I? 

Then, the summer came and I met my friend (and also a fan) while being out for a beer. We chatted, had a great time and then told me I kinda am like a person with ADD. I was confused because I didn't recall what that does mean, later I remembered it's another (and outdated) term for ADHD, but it's the “quiet type”, where the hype happens mostly inside and doesn't manifest outside that much. So I started researching once again, because I trusted him and it was that one push I needed.

It's been year since that moment and it took me months to accept that I might suffer from ADHD and to this day I still have feelings of impostor syndrome, making it all harder for myself just like that, to be more interesting for myself. I still yet have to accept this. 

I was transitioning into adulthood and yet had actual emotional breakdowns, I was crying and my heart was aching and I couldn't bring myself to do things I want, to learn more about music production, to learn how to sing better, to learn my favorite k-pop choreos, to work-out, to embody my own vision of who I want to be. With music, I am my own boss and it's the worst.

Covid-19 hit our country and here came the first lockdown. It pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was losing all of my friends, I felt those feelings of loneliness and weirdness again, I felt like nobody knows what's wrong because I don't have it as bad as others, I was hurting so much my body was shaking and twisting. I decided to try medication, even though I told my psychiatrist I don't want to, I just felt like I cannot be like this anymore, it's too much pain and no matter how much I try, I can't make it better, I can't make it work. 

I started taking Strattera and after month or two, I saw it working. A bit, I could focus better and bring myself to do things more and more frequently, and if I had these weird emotional meltdowns, they weren't as intense as before. This serves me as ultimate proof that I am not making this up, because if I were, the medication wouldn't work and make me feel better, right? 

So, what am I doing now? 

I'm still a huge mess and I cannot see myself in a better light. Even though I have job that I perform at at stable rate, even though I have just a little problem cooking for myself, even though I have no troubles falling asleep, even though I can enjoy things greatly when those high energy waves hit me. 

I'm tired of myself, I'm tired of myself not being able to do anything again. I ignore my manager because I already know I have nothing else to say than “I cannot bring myself to do things and you know that, I'm sorry for being a constant failure.” When people compliment me, I thank them but deep inside I don't accept it. 

I have unreleased and WIP songs I can see never being released, ever. When I listen to music from my favorite artists, I can also feel the pain from the fact that I'm not like them and that I probably won't ever be, because my brain sabotages me every damn time. 

From the very moment I wake up to the very moment I fall asleep, there's music playing in my head. I don't choose what's playing, sometimes it's song I don't even like and yet it's stuck on loop. I talk with my therapist in my head, I'm having weird flashbacks in my head to my memories, I'm having “you should do X right now” and “why aren't you doing Y” stuck on loop too. This all is happening at once, every moment I'm awake, even when I'm talking with people. It's exhausting. 

I'm bored most of the time, I have interesting books in my bookshelf and still cannot read them because I have to reread paragraphs in order to actually understand them. And even then, I find my mind wandering again. I have problems with long texts and long tutorials.

I get frustrated easily, my head is overflowing with ideas I can't act on. I'm living in weird worlds I made up for myself, and then reality hits me. 

I had my first depressive episode few months ago. I felt like nothing matters, that I don't matter, I felt nothing and emptiness, I crawled up in bed and was mindlessly watching youtube videos. I didn't want to eat or drink, I wanted to not exist at all. That episode passed but it was my first encounter with actual depressive state and I know I can slip into it more easily now, it simply developed along the way, after 21 years without acknowledging that I have problems and I struggle. 

People don't understand the struggle, when talking to them about my problems, it's like talking to an automated assistant, coming up with phrases like “Did you try yoga?” “everyone struggles sometime” “you cannot accomplish everything”. They say they wanna listen and help until they don't. 

I have a mental graveyard for ideas I won't ever finish, no matter how good they are, because my brain won't let me. Proper medication would help, therapy also helps but I can't talk myself out of actual executive dysfunction. 

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, our brains are literally underdeveloped in some areas and wired differently. Our emotions lack regulation normal people have and our motivation is fragile. This can't be changed with yoga, this cannot be solved by trying more. Not to even mention, capitalist society is especially damaging to neurodivergent people (and not only them, of course). 

While on this journey, I am still meeting more and more people having same struggles like me, finding people who understand you is the best thing to battle impostor syndrome. Sometimes I can't help them and sometimes they can't help me, but it's okay, because we know we understand each other and if I wanna complain and vent, we can do so without having to explain this condition over and over. 

And I hope that someone finds this relatable too, because as a woman I know my group isn't represented enough. We are not children, nor adult males, we need more attention and more support, from both healthcare system and each other. 

While doing this, I hope to get myself proper medication and continue doing what I love the most - music. I don't love anything else more than that. I hope to get rid of “all or nothing” mindset, I hope to be more consistent, I hope my music will reach its listeners and fans. I still have enough time, I think, even though my sense of time is neurologically altered. 

[anxresi]

Chloe’s Last Straw

Synopsis: 

Chloe is guilty of many things in her life. But not this. Never this. So when her mother says something unforgivable to a person she'd usually consider an enemy, it's up to her to put things right. Grab your popcorn folks, and get ready for a roasting. Written for Blackout Tuesday.

..............................

Caline Bustier sighed in exasperation, wondering how her once promising career as an educator had stuck her with this… the most ill-disciplined, out-of-control bunch of students she’d ever had to guide since her formative years as a kindergarten coordinator.

But even those young rapscallions had some level of respect for their elders, whereas the current batch of alleged ‘maturer’ teens…

They couldn’t even raise their heads for role-call in the morning.

“Max! Stop playing with that flying toy this second ! Mylene, Ivan… you can kiss each other during recess! Return to your desks now ! Nathanael! Put down those pencils and listen to me! Lila, I know you said you suffer from ADHD, but until I see a doctor’s note, I expect you to respond immediately when I call your name! Honestly, it’s like trying to herd cats! And where on Earth are…”

“I’m here! I’m here!!” As if in answer to her request, Adrien Agreste bustled in just then, out-of-breath and apparently with a ready-made excuse to explain his absence. “Dawn fashion shoot… then piano recital… early morning practice… stop me falling behind. A-Apologies Miss Bustier… you know how it is with my father…”

“Hmm, yes… I’m afraid I do .” The frowning teacher gave an understanding nod, for Gabriel Agreste’s huge expectations for his son often led to constant late arrivals for his son. “I would say ‘try not to let it happen again’, but something tells me it’s out of my hands. Oh well, at least you haven’t missed any actual lesson time this week. Go and sit down, please. Now I wonder where…”

“ Argh ! S-Sorry Miss! Mom got sick… and usually she handles the morning deliveries… so I had to take a quick detour on my way here… and…” bang

At least, that’s the sound effect there would’ve been, if a stumbling Marinette Dupain-Cheng hadn’t been caught by Adrien on her inevitable descent to the floor. Right place, right time.

Still didn’t stop her blushing like a stoplight though.

“A-Adrien!! Gulp. H-Hi. ” The blunette gave a passable impression of a fish out of water.

“Hey there! F-Funny the places we run into each other, isn’t it?” Adrien seemed equally struck for what he wanted to say.

“ Ahem !” That was the sound of an impatient teacher, who obviously had no romance in her soul and was eager to restart the headcount. “If you two are quite finished with your impromptu act, you can save it for the talent show next month. Take your respective seats so we can get on. Wait…”

Glancing at Adrien And Marinette’s chairs had revealed something unprecedented in the recent history of this hallowed halls of education. In fact, so unbelievable was it, Miss Bustier had to rub her eyes twice just to make sure what she saw wasn’t just another product of her espresso-infused imagination.

For it would appear as though young Agreste and Dupain-Cheng, by some measure the most tardy pupils Caline Bustier had ever known, were not among the last ones to arrive that incredible day.

No, that dubious honor belonged to none other than the students the aforementioned pair shared a desk with, namely Nino Lahiffe and Alya Cesaire.

W-What the… the panicking teacher’s look of astonishment was completely forgivable, as both Marinette and Adrien made good their escape. I’ve never known anything like this to happen before. It’s most unlike them. I just hope they’re okay. Maybe, if they’re not here soon, I should ask the headmaster if…

Miss Bustier’s short soliloquy was interrupted by an unpleasant shrieking noise as a familiar pair strode in. The high-pitched noise made the hairs on her neck stand on end and shattered the formerly serene atmosphere of the classroom once and for all.

“ Dahling . You know I wouldn’t go back to New York without saying goodbye to my precious Coraline, don’t you sweetheart? I might be away for quite a while this time, even past Christmas, but you understand, right? If I’m not there to personally introduce my new range of spangly negligees to the world at Fashion Week, my competitors might steal my thunder! I might even be bumped off the front page of Vogue! And you remember what I’ve told you every day, since the blessed occasion you were born, whenever that was…”

“Yes, mother. ‘If you’re not somebody, then you’re nobody.’ I get it. But do you ‘get’: my name isn’t ‘Coraline’, it’s Chloe . Coraline is that so-called kids movie we saw years ago, the one that was so scary I nearly wet… you know what, n-never mind.”

The loud screech of Audrey Bourgeois’s voice was almost enough to give poor Miss Bustier a migraine, as if the prospect of trying to teach her disruptive daughter good manners wasn’t difficult enough. Why did this have to be the one day I forgot to bring my aspirin to class with me? Tell me, what did I do to deserve this? Did I walk under a ladder yesterday? Did I crack a mirror, or step on a gypsy’s foot by mistake? Please, if I am cursed for whatever reason, let me know how I can fix it. For the love of…

“Mrs Bourgeois! What an unple… u-unexpected pleasure!” The rapidly unraveling teacher put on her fakest, friendliest face to welcome the surprise guest. “How are you? When was the last time we met? I seem to recall it was at the salon…”

“What was that? Who is this strange person heckling me, dear?” Audrey pulled down her shades to stare closer, as Chloe whispered in her mom’s ear. “Oh yes, your public school educator. Still with the red hair I see, ugh . Yes, I remember… I told her to dye her roots blonde like me if she wanted a better job than the impossible task of instructing these degenerates. Because as we all know: ‘blondes have more fun’. Isn’t that right, Chlorine?”

Whether Chloe was still sore from Audrey getting her name wrong twice now, or just plain embarrassed by her female parent’s condescending behavior, who knows. She didn’t repeat her mother’s mantra again like last time though, and instead stood there nervously with her hands in her chino pockets, portraying quite an un-Chloe lack of confidence.

“Well anyway, if you simply must know Miss… Bustier, was it?” An uninterested Audrey inquired, proving the rumor true that her daughter’s name was the only one she regularly forgot. “I was just seeing my precious off, before catching the afternoon plane to uptown New York. It’s just wonderful there in the summer, with all the glitterati in attendance for the various functions. You really must try it, darling… oh sorry I forgot: on your meager salary, it might prove to be an impossible dream. Still, we can’t all be as ridiculously wealthy as me and my husband, can we?”

“Y-Yes, I suppose so.” Miss Bustier desperately kept her sentences as short as possible. She didn’t want the dreadful woman to stay there a second longer than absolutely necessary. “W-Well, I don’t want to keep you, if you have things you need to…”

“So, these are the local children you go to school with, dear?” Deciding she was tired with Miss Bustier’s ‘rambling’, a bored Audrey fixed a critical eye over the classroom. “Well, I must say, I’ve seen far better. A poor crop if ever there was one… why your father refused to let you be privately educated is beyond me. I suspect it’s because he wants to boost his election prospects by letting you ‘mingle with the common folk’, but is it really worth it? I hate to think the effect such distasteful surroundings must be having on your delicate young mind.”

Outraged gasps erupted from all around the room, and if Chloe could’ve jumped into a fifty-foot hole never to emerge, she likely would’ve done so with relish. Alas, this was not an option, and so once more the twitching girl was forced to deal with the consequences of her mother’s shameless arrogance and total lack of volume control.

But just as even the usually docile Miss Bustier was about to say something stronger to defend her visibly irritated students, the last two attendees emerged through the door, puffing and panting as they arrived at long last. Also noticeably, covered in what can only be described as black oil stains.

First up was Nino Lahiffe, who paused slightly to catch his breath and adjust his cap. Then came his girlfriend Alya Cesaire just behind, who despite being pretty exhausted herself, began to speak “N-Nino’s dad gave us a lift, but the car broke down. We had to help him fix it…”

Suddenly Audrey Bourgeois, obviously on a roll, glanced behind her with a pronounced sneer. Upon seeing the pair in question, her expression of disapproval grew even more pronounced…

And what she said next was truly shocking. Except, maybe not her.

“Who might these ‘people’ be, then? While I think it’s laudable you’ll let just about anyone into these types of schools Bustier, I hope you realize some individuals can’t be taught. Just look at those hopeless youths, for example. Obviously from a rough neighborhood, probably down to one parent each, deprived of everything to judge by their filthy clothing, and they can’t even be in class on time. Probably wasting their lives on the street listening to ‘wrap’ music, or whatever it’s called. As if this sort even need an education, in their future careers as minimum wage cleaners or drug-dealers. Really dear, you’d be better off kicking them out and investing in school uniforms instead…”

“ That’s enough !!”

Stunned faces all around. Jaws dropping to the floor. A few people on the verge of fainting, at the identity of the person who uttered those two screamed words.

It wasn’t Miss Bustier, who was prepared to declare her response by more physical means (a hard fist to the face of an unrepentant bigoted snob, if you must know).

Not Alya, who looked just about ready to burst into tears, being held by her apoplectic boyfriend  in his arms (otherwise, he might’ve formed an unstoppable tag-team with his teacher to kick some serious a**).

The surprise shouter was none other than Chloe Bourgeois, who having finally been pushed to her absolute limit at her mother’s complete lack of respect for anyone besides her own reflection, had finally snapped.

And boy, was it something to behold.

“Mom, as I’m sure anyone who isn’t you would agree, I’ve put up with a lot over the years. The insults. The dirty looks. Long absences. Always getting my name wrong. Never telling me you love me. Raising me to think ‘sacking’ anyone who disagrees with you is permissible behavior. I can tolerate all this and more, but there is one thing where I must draw the line. You want to know what that is?”

“ Must we get into this now, dear? You know I like first pick of the best VIP seats…” There Mrs Bourgeois went again, thinking this was just another conversation where she could brush off her daughter’s genuine concerns.

Well, in this case, she was about to get ‘schooled’ (pun not intended).

“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s racism Mom, plain and simple, and I won’t stand for it! Whatever problems I might’ve had with Alya and Nino in the past, and believe me there’s been plenty, I’ve never treated them differently due to the color of their skin! How shallow can you get?! And coming from me, this is the biggest of big deals!”

It was as if someone had lit a fuse underneath Audrey’s designer shoes, as the formerly unflappable woman suddenly recoiled in shock. “W-What… well I never ! How could you say such terrible things to me, Chlorophyll? Why, if you weren’t my own flesh and blood, I’d sue you on the spot! I’ll have you know, some of my best workers are blac…”

“Yeah, ‘workers’. You just made my point for me. That’s all they are to you, aren’t they? I’ve seen the way you treat them differently to even our other staff, calling them ‘tanned’ and ‘colored’ right to their faces. They don’t say anything because they don’t want to lose their jobs, and shamefully neither do I because frankly, you scare me sometimes. Well, that ends this second . The instant you behave that way again, I’ll be on you like a ton of bricks. Also, do you wanna know something else?”

“H-Huh?” Audrey’s demeanor had abruptly switched from coolness personified to utter confusion. Being called out so blatantly in front of a bunch of ‘underprivileged ragamuffins’ by her petulant child was not on the itinerary today.

“I’ll spoil it for you again. Father hates your attitude even more than I do! Whenever you finish treating the staff like the dirt under your feet, he goes to each one in turn to apologize personally. As well as give them a few extra euros that month, as if that’ll make up for the abuse they have to suffer. But look who I’m talking to! The woman who thinks Chinese and Japanese people are practically the same! And people wonder where I got such a stupid idea from…”

‘I-I…” For the first time in her life, Mrs Bourgeois was completely lost for words. All she could do was stare dumbly and numbly at her irrepressible daughter, as the young girl finished her extended lecture with a flourish.

“Finally, I suppose I should let you know about the head cook at our hotel. You know, the one who you think makes the best meals around for Daddy and his clients at short notice? Or when you have to entertain people, and she puts on a spread that’ll put any other caterer in the city to shame? That’s Mrs Cesaire, the mother of Alya over there. How do you think she’s going to feel, when she hears you racially insulted her daughter so terribly in front of her entire class? I don’t know, but if I were you I’d check my food for signs of saliva for a while. Also, put your lawyers on stand-by, because I think it may be heading for court. And if you want to know who’s side I’ll be on, here’s a clue…”

At this juncture, Chloe put her mouth to her now trembling mother’s ear to whisper sharply:

“...It won’t be yours!”

That was all it took for Mrs Audrey Bourgeois to collapse on the floor, in such a comatose state that not even the strongest smelling salts around could revive her in the foreseeable future.

...Not that anyone really wanted to do that, of course. Even the school nurse balked at helping someone who’d been so vile to the innocent students there. So, in an unconscious heap on the floor she stayed.

In the end, she missed her flight and the free expensive champagne on offer. Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.

As for Chloe, having said her piece and blithely sauntered over to her seat next to Sabrina afterwards, she was most surprised by the deafening cheer that subsequently erupted, as well as the much better treatment she got for an entire week afterwards by everyone present (even from Marinette).

As unusual as her newfound popularity was though…

She could quite easily get used to it.

If only she could master this whole ‘being nice’ thing.

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AUTHOR’S NOTE: Remember everyone, having White Privilege isn’t just about paying lip service to the concerns of minorities and posting black squares and hashtags one Tuesday to show you care…

It’s about using your advantageous platform all year round to speak up to defend those in need, whoever they are. After all. if activism was just listening to others whilst doing precisely nothing to change the world outside the confines of social media, how are we gonna change the world?

Food for thought. Hope you enjoyed the story, which (I hope) got the point across well enough. Whatever you think, let me know… and thanks for reading! :)

[isitreallyok]

Productivity and ADHD

We’re back at it again dear readers. As you all may have noticed there hasn’t been much in the realm of content this week which funnily enough brings me to our topic. I wanted to take a little bit to address productivity as a concept and talk a bit about my pressures in trying to maintain schedules.

Productivity seems like a really broad topic to try to cover.

It definitely is so I’ll leave it relevant to how it impacts my day to day and how I try to cope with it. Productivity is something that I have always struggled with. A part of my bipolar disorder comes with a steaming hot side of ADHD. Many people who don’t have experience with ADHD think that it is just people who can’t sit still or are constantly needing to do ten things at a time. While not entirely inaccurate, there is a lot more to ADHD than just this.

My experience with ADHD comes in a number of forms and one of those is starting a myriad of projects and not sticking with any of them until completion. This blog is just one example of that. When I first started things up I wanted to maintain a really tight Monday, Wednesday, Friday posting schedule so that I had routine content and a regular way to reflect on the challenges that life has been throwing my way. I got a post up Monday and now it is Saturday at 10 PM and we are only now at the second post for the week.

That isn’t a huge deal though. Like you mentioned when you first started your blog, this is a personal blog so you can feel free to work whenever you are able. There shouldn’t be any pressure about posting here.

You’re right. However here is what I have been working with. This entire week I have had idea after idea about what I want to write about and how I want to go through it. There are so many post ideas at this point that I have forgotten about half of them and sadly I lost the document I thought I had saved them in so lets just wait until the inspiration strikes again. The problem I’ve run in to is not actually that I have not wanted to write it’s that instead I have been in a place where I have been hyper focused on something else and by the time I even think to write for the evening it’s two days later.

A little peek behind the curtain would show that I have scheduled most of my posts to go up at or around noon on the normal release days. They are actually written a day or two in advance to give myself a bit of leeway just in case things get too long or the topic I’m working on writing about becomes too much in that moment. This week, rather than writing I have been hyper focused on Christmas shopping and finishing up my watch through of Kamen Rider Zero-One. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I put myself under a bit of pressure about getting a post up when I went four days without actually blogging.

Why pressure yourself though? The blog is still small and all that is going to do is hamper your productivity even more.

Now you’re getting it. The thing about the way that my ADHD works is that I either have to have four things going on at once or I’m hyper focused on a singular task and don’t stop until it is completely perfectly. Often times the focal point of what I’m doing bounces between the two. Instead of simply working on things leisurely to a point where I’m content with what I have written and then posting it I find myself usually playing a video game or watching a television series while I’m working. At the same time as doing both of these things I also manage to be holding at least one, though usually closer to three, different conversations via Facebook Messenger topics as well as doing something on my phone that is also completely unrelated to any other task I’m performing in that moment as well.

Circling back for a moment to my hyper-fixation issue, the thing that I find myself focused on is not often the task at hand. Often times it is one of the many other things that I go am doing in the moment that becomes the task that has my attention. Usually these tasks are things that I would consider lower priorities, but require less brain power to complete. A problem of mine that I have that I am working towards changing is that when I hyper-fixate on something it must be done perfectly. When writing this means heavily editing something to the point of being willing to publish what I’ve written in that moment, when gaming it means that I have to achieve high scores, when cooking ingredients must be handled precisely, et cetera. Despite the fact that they require less brain power and effort to complete, the things that get my attention during a shift towards hyper-fixation typically become incredibly exhausting to work on.

If you’re unable to control what you fixate on when you’re multitasking, why not make all parts of the multitask related to the content you are trying to put out?

This is a very good point that to be completely honest has not been something that I have attempted very often. The difficulty when it comes to a large portion of things I write about here is that in order for me to do that I typically would need to have articles relating to the topics at hand up. Often times I will do a definition search to make sure that I know the top results to establish a baseline of what people may already understand about a topic, but finding videos relating to topics to have playing on a secondary screen while working and also reading an article about things isn’t always feasible.

For example, when I sat down to write this post I got distracted by Kamen Rider and put it on hold for a few hours because when I finished the episode I was on I had to go to the store. I got back and thought about how I wanted to address the topic and started with a google search of just the word productivity. I found a lot of information in the top results regarding workplace productivity and productivity of manufacturing, but not a whole lot regarding personal productivity in the day to day tasks. So rather than actually relating any of what we are talking about here to the workplace, I decided to just kind of wing it and go a different route. Without having that information present my mind jumped to about forty five different places, including about fifteen unrelated topics.

So while doing that works wonders in some aspects of the day to day, I don’t think that it will serve as a catch all.

I’m beginning to see a bit of what you mean about productivity being tricky to manage.

Despite all of the problems with hyper-fixation and focus issues, one of the biggest issues that I have with productivity actually has nothing to do with these factors or the pressure I put on myself to perform. Instead the problem stems from my own expectations of myself. As I mentioned earlier, the proclivity towards perfection when I put something out into the world with my name on it definitely exists. This means that if I’m not happy with something I typically will not release it. Seems fair enough, right? Well not quite.

I have found that sometimes when I focus on getting things just right before I release something I am actually not concerned about the product, but instead I am worried about failure. Thoughts akin to “What if people don’t like what I’m doing with this?”, “Will my audience truly understand the point I’m trying to make?”, and even “I understand this reference but it’s so niche I’m pretty sure that no one else will.” go through my head all the time as I’m working on various personal projects. These thoughts inhibit my ability to maintain productivity in what I’m working on and often result in dropping the task entirely before completing even a draft that I could release in the future.

How will you know what people think about your work if you never are able to release it though?

Ah, the age old question of would I be successful if I tried? It’s such a tricky thing. I find myself wanting to release a ton of different things that I have tried to work on. I even have managed to push myself out of my comfort zone to do exactly that in sharing ongoing projects as I am working on them. I’ve found that accountability does help me to have the desire to continue to work on projects because even when I receive negative feedback it still gives me a way to improve in the future, even if it feels bad to hear in the moment.

I have found that working on showing myself a little bit of compassion when it comes to putting out things that I may not find perfect has been wonderful. Though I’ll discuss more on self compassion in the future. Allowing myself the freedom to understand that perfection is a concept best forgotten about and accepting that failure is a part of striving towards success has been monumental in allowing myself the ability to set more attainable goals in my projects. Without that line of thinking, I likely would not have had the courage to make these posts public and to allow myself to be so vulnerable with the entire internet.

As usual though at this point we have strayed pretty far from the topic that I had originally planned for today. Initially this post going to be about productivity in the more mundane aspects of daily life. I think that will be the thing that we talk about next time. So now that we know what will be discussed next time here are our reminders three. You are stronger than you think, you are beautiful, and gosh darnit you are worth it! Keep kickin butt and I’ll see you next time, lovelies!

[ashflynns]

☄〔 HUNTER SCHAFER, TWENTY ONE, TRANS FEMALE, DREAM TRAVEL 〕╰ ASHLEY FLYNN just came over half - blood hill . you know , the child of HYPNOS who was claimed two months ago ? i’ve heard chiron say that she is PLAYFUL & EMPATHETIC , but if you ask the aphrodite kids , they’d say she’s LAZY & TACTLESS . i’d say they remind me of sleepy smiles and under-eye bags, messy buns and an unmade bed, running from your problems with bare feet & trying to hard to keep your friends but losing them anyway, especially since she’s FOR THE NEW CABINS . ( ✎ joey , 24 , she/her , bst . )

*insert nice graphic here aka for the love of god someone find me a photoshop link*

hi! its your resident sea witch joey here ready to bombard you with an encyclopedic knowledge of the greek pantheon and uk criminal law?? i guess??? if u dont already know, i’m the one with six (6) cats. i combined my task and intro because im LAZY and bad at intros so i’ll use paige’s stats as a crutch whoops. ash is the lazy laid-back stoner friend everyone needs. she has no trauma because she DOESN’t DESERVE IT so maybe the real trauma will be the friends we make along the way.

𝕓𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤 .

name :  ashley finn

nicknames : ash, whatever cute names u wanna give her

birth date :  4th february (aquarius squad speak up!)

gender :  trans female

pronouns :  she/her

ethnicity : white

nationality : irish american

hometown : ?? idk american towns SUE ME but she’s from SOMEWHERE in oregon

demigod abilities : sleep manipulation, dream manipulation, dream travel

cabin number & godly parent :  cabin fifteen, hypnos

how did their godly parent meet their mortal parent? :  hlhglkhg so i thought it’d be funny if they met when ash’s mum participated in a sleep research study. i think i’m hilarious.

𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 .

faceclaim : hunter schafer

height :  5′11″

hair colour : blonde

eye colour : blue/green.

dominant hand : leftie!

distinguishing features : her hair’s actually super curly she just straightens it a lot bc curly bedhead is a bitch to brush through in the mornings.

dress style : ugh this is gonna be hard to explain but like. you know those alt hippy stoner girls?? like that. likes baggy clothes and neutral colours. a lot of quote unquote ugly clothes with clashing prints. band t-shirts and whatnot.

𝕔𝕒𝕞𝕡-𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 .

go - to  weapon : HAH implying she willingly participates in capture the flag. she’d go for a xiphos because it’s the most basic dfkjg

ambrosia :  garlic bread. yeah she’s that kind of bitch

favourite camp location :  zephyros creek!

their opinion of their godly parent :  really unbothered tbqh. but she’s a very laid-back person to begin with. a ton of her school friends had absent dads. if she hadn’t come to chb so early then maybe the whole ‘i have powers with no explanation’ would’ve caused some resentment but hey, he’s a god. he’s a busy man. and being raised by a single mum made up most of who ash is, so it’s not like she’d change anything.

age they were claimed :  this year baby!

how they were claimed :  look dad’s timing was off but as far as he was concerned he claimed ash when percy made the deal. ash kinda always knew it was gonna be him so it was no surprise.

stance on the new cabins : for  the  new  cabins.

their opinion on lyssa pentelute :   as far as ash is concerned, lyssa’s whole shtick is just an excuse to shit on the kids who don’t have to suffer the same way she did. so, uh, she’s kind of a bitch? i have this in a bit more detail down below.

quests :  i’m gonna tentatively put no for now (unless anyone else on quests decides they’d like to have dragged ash along!)

𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪 .

positive traits : playful, empathetic, laid-back, friendly but not a pushover, patient

negative traits :  lazy, tactless, aloof,  spacey, struggles to express said empathy, lack of focus

mbti :  Iinfp-t, the mediator

alignment : neutral good

hogwarts house :  hufflepuff

kinsey scale : JUST ASK IF SHES A LESBIAN OKAY?? THE ANSWER IS YES.

archetype :  somehow she matched equally with the innocent child and the wise old man *insert so what is the truth meme*

what candle scent are they :  vanilla

goals & desires :  well this one was tricky bc ash is a simple girl with simple needs and really just doesn’t want anything to change. she wants a life without the pressures of work and commitment, but that’s just not gonna happen, is it? her short-term goals are to practice fighting that urge to stay in bed all day and try to be a bit more productive. it’s not going well.

fears : explained more below but basically she has a fear of destroying all her relationships due to a lack of connect with the world

hobbies : when she’s not napping? probably gaming, going on nature walks, baking treats.

habits :  biting nails is the worst one. spacing out. you know that thing where you just?? stop focusing your eyes?? but you’re still tuned in to the conversation? that.

𝕙𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 .

so hear’s the short version kfjglkdfgjd ( for NOW ):

ashley’s mum, niamh, is third-gen irish immigrant. ash didn’t have a luxurious life or anything. they mostly lived off benefits or whatever niamh could pick up from her extremely lucrative dog-walking business. how she met hypnos was a literal joke. they met when she participated in a fucking sleep study and i guess they hit it off. typical story of dad fucks off/single parent yadda yadda. there’s no real ~~trauma~~ to ash. yeah, transphobia sucks and high school really sucked all but her mum’s been super supportive since she first came out and no one at chb has given her shit yet. niamh’s still around and ash goes back home every couple of months to visit her. they have a pretty good relationship. it’s all cool.

i feel cliche saying she was a ‘dreamy’ girl but dreamy or spacey really is the best word for it. mixed with your typical demigod adhd you get a kid who really struggled with school. well, it’s not like she struggled - ashley’s a smart gal - but the teacher’s struggled with her. i guess it was hard for them to understand that ash actually does her best thinking when she’s asleep.

struggles to keep friends - maintains a persona of aloofness and apathy but actually cares way too much. the narcolepsy hinders her ability to form proper connections ( although she’ll argue the sCiEnTiFiCaLlY pRoVeN fAcT that napping with someone for half an hour does more to build trust than anything else ). and no one’s really that fond of ash popping into their dreams. maybe they shouldnt have so much to hide, huh?

her biggest ‘’’ inner struggle ’’’ shall we say is the pressure to be productive. let’s face it, she IS a lazy bitch, and that’s pretty much an inherited nature. getting a job sounds like hell, she sucks at combat training, she really could NOT be bothered with camp politics and god wars and whatever else. why can’t she just sleep and dream walk all day? monster’s are out there man, she’s gonna die some point soon anyway. but that doesn’t mean  she doesn’t feel guilty about it all. it’s kinda hard not to.

so, moving on to the ISSUE AT HAND. so when you walk through dreams and you sleep for 20 hours of the day, it’s not hard to figure out who your dad is, even if he never turns up. like, seriously, who else would it be? so yeah, sure. she was only claimed a couple of months ago. but she wasn’t completely in the dark like some of her other campers, and she respects that, truly. she got the luckier end of the stick and its not hard to understand the resentment among the minor demigods and the unclaimed.

HOWEVER, she’s very much FOR the new cabins. as explained above, lyssa’s a bitch whose taking her mummy issues out on others. ash loves bunking with the hermes kids but she’d like a space of her own and at the end of the day who the fuck is lyssa to make that decision?

𝕖𝕩𝕥𝕣𝕒 .

pinterest! (its a wip there’s not much IM SORRY)

spotify (now this is the one thing i will never let u down on)

wanted connections coming soon!

[shey-elizabeth]

Q: Why Can’t I Tackle All These Home (Writing) Projects While Trapped Here?!?

Copy/Pasted from this article https://www.additudemag.com/home-projects-coronavirus/ by Leslie Josel that has fabulous advice for tackling projects while you’re stuck at home. It’s geared towards people with ADHD, but I feel like all the stress and anxiety that the Coronavirus and Social Distancing is causing mimics the ADHD brain pretty accurately! This could also be easily adapted for writing projects. I know I’ve been struggling to get anything on paper all week, between news updates and just feeling generally anxious it’s been hard to concentrate on the things I would like to focus on!

Q: “Suddenly I’m at home, trapped with all of the organization projects I’ve been putting off for years. I feel I have no excuse not to tackle these while home, so my guilt and shame are spiking with each day that I avoid them. What can I realistically hope to accomplish? How can I get started?”

A: First and foremost, be gentle with yourself. We are all going through so much right now; putting undo pressure on yourself to tackle every project lingering on your to-do list for the last five years is seriously unrealistic. I even have to remind myself that “just because I’m home” doesn’t mean I’m going to be a whirlwind of productivity. The emotional toll of navigating the “new normal” of social distancing is real. Small steps.

Since some of your projects might take multiple “sessions” to complete (cleaning out the garage) while others can easily be finished in a few hours (organizing the pantry), I’m sharing some general tips to help you ease into tackling your organizing priorities during a lockdown with ADHD.

1. Use my Define and Assign method to set daily goals. Notice that I said daily goals. If you try to tackle a large project all in one day, you’ll end up overwhelmed and frustrated. Specific daily intentions work better. “Thursday morning from 9 to noon, I’ll work on decluttering the attic.” “Saturday afternoon from 3 to 5 pm, I’ll tackle the piles of paper in the home office.” In other words, define what it is you want to work on, break down the tasks into manageable parts, and then assign a day and time to work on each part. You’ll feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

2. Pair up to pare down! Grab your children or your spouse and work together! Sometimes “body doubling” (being in an environment where others are doing what you’re doing) is super motivating. Make it fun also! Put on music, have snacks on hand, and when you’ve worked for the allotted amount of time you’ve set, go do something together that you all will all enjoy such as working on a puzzle, going for a walk, or watching a movie.

3. Try the “black tablecloth” method to get you started. Yes, it’s a thing and it’s one of my favorite tricks to help clients feel less overwhelmed when organizing. If you walk into a room and all you see is clutter, you are more likely going to feel overwhelmed and not know how to start. So try draping tablecloths over the areas of your home you are working on decluttering and organizing. Only expose a small amount at a time so you can stay focused, on track, and most importantly, less overwhelmed. In this instance, out of sight will help you not be out of your mind!

4. Make getting started simple. Get started on a task that is so easy and/or so small that success is virtually guaranteed. Research shows that even the worst procrastinators or perfectionists can improve by creating a very small goal to begin — one kitchen drawer to declutter, one pile of paper to sort, one closet shelf to organize. You get the idea. Chances are that once you start, you’ll keep on going.

5. Separate the setup from the task. This is actually my favorite way to get started on any task and it truly helps me to keep that nasty procrastination bug at bay. Make setting up to begin the organizing project a task of its own and only focus on getting that accomplished. It will make getting started so much easier.

So what could that look like? Say you want to tackle organizing your garage. You might need the follow items to complete the project: large trash bags, plastic bins, protective gloves, a ladder, cleaning supplies, etc. Focus only on gathering those items. The actual decluttering and organizing happens at another time. Merely starting gives us a small sense of accomplishment and the confidence to keep going.

Good Luck!

If you’re looking for other good advice for managing ADHD right now, the ADDitude website is full of great articles!

Feel free to add your own tips in the notes!!

[kratomforsale1]

A Case For Whole Food Supplements

The typical American Diet (SAD) is lacking in many vital nutritional components. Being largely composed of prepackaged, convenience foods by means of few naturally grown food products; this diet has contributed to an epidemic of not only obesity but also extreme nutritional shortcomings. While many commercially available vitamin and mineral supplements exist, they are manufactured in an artificial way that reduces bioavailability and promotes chemical contamination. As Americans are not likely to return to eating home grown food directly from their backyard garden, the solution to the nutritional deficiency of America can be found in Whole Food Supplements which are vitamin, mineral and phytonutrient rich products created from actual food concentrates. The Problem with the Standard American Diet In the first part of the 1900's most Americans ate a good, whole food diet because they had no choice. All food was grown either by the family or from immediately local sources. America in the 1900's was a largely agrarian society with most people living in rural aspects and able to grow their own food. During the last century, a massive migration to urban areas has occurred. This has meant which even if one has the desire, most people no longer have the ability to produce self grown food. Either because there is no land or even because many do not know how, very few people have a garden and even fewer produce protein in the form of dairy products and pet husbandry. In spite of this developing migration, during World War II, families were encouraged to have a "victory garden". It was not to ensure that Americans had a great diet but actually to ensure that American families could feed themselves at all, although allowing most of commercial food production to be sent to the troops overseas. That was the last period in history that The united states got most of their nutrition from locally grown food. Beginning around the 1950's, Americans did begin to recognize the worth of vitamins and minerals within their diet. This was discovered because more and more pre-prepared, highly processed food products became available and nutritional inadequacies began to emerge. After the end of World War II, many families became two-income families. In addition , many more sole parents are now raising children by themselves. This means that in most homes, all of the adults present in any one household are likely employed outside the home full-time leaving little time for food preparation alone much less any time for food production. America has become a convenience meal nation consuming much of the diet from unnatural food sources. Prepackaged and easy to prepare food products are just that, food stuff "products". Though they may contain carbohydrates, proteins, fats and some "essential" nutrients, they are not real food. The entire food items supply chain is rife with contamination and chemical processing and many Americans are unaware of how little nutritional value the produce that they consume every day contains. So much publicity and education has focused on the so called food pyramid. This governmental and educational agencies that have devised the perfect American diet have never truly addressed the lack of nutrients, other than a Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) of basic vitamins and minerals such as Vitamin A, Vitamin D and Calcium. While a lot of these RDA levels of vitamin and mineral consumption may be an absolute bottom line essential to avoid obvious diseases of deficiency just like scurvy or rickets, they are hardly adequate and do not reflect but a small portion of the nutrients contained in whole food, necessary for promotion of health and prevention of disease. A Crisis in America: Obesity and Other Diseases in the Face of Malnutrition The main center of the American diet in recent years has become reducing fat and increasing carbohydrates in the diet. This stream of imagined was intended to reduce the growing epidemic of obesity but over the past 20 years, obesity has risen into numbers this appear to be a crisis for Americans. In fact , over the past 20 years the number of adult Americans who are obese has risen by 60% to an unprecedented level of almost 35% of American adults being considered obese. A much worse situation is usually that a similar number of approximately 32% of American children qualify as overweight or obese. For the first time within American history, the life expectancy of these children may be lower than that of their parents or grandparents. This has led to a great epidemic of heart disease, diabetes and other weight related problems occurring in record numbers not only in adults nevertheless seen in children as young as 18 months of age. Additional diseases that may be related to a lack of appropriate nutrients other than simple vitamins around American diets may include a wide variety of conditions ranging from immune disorders implicated in conditions such as Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and Melanoma to psychiatric and neurological conditions such as ADHD, Autism and Depression. Most people believe that obesity occurs simply because most people eat too much. While that is true in part, obesity also results from continuously consuming the wrong types of food. Inside 1900s when Americans were consuming a largely natural, whole food diet directly from farm to bench, obesity was an extremely rare occurrence. As our diet has changed from an agrarian society's nutrient wealthy food supply to the urbanized highly processed, artificial foods, our total food consumption has risen. This is in part since, though the body gets more calories from more food, it is still starved of nutrition causing one to take even more. In addition , in our sedentary lifestyle our bodies actually need less food than when we lived and worked each day relating to the farm, yet we still eat more because of lack of proper nutrients, abundance of easily obtained processed foodstuff and other psychological conditions such as stress eating. In the end, America has become a nation of people who are obese but still malnourished along with disease ridden. An Attempt to Fix the Problem The ideal diet truly would be that of returning to whole food "farm to help table" eating where families either grow their own food and prepare it within minutes of harvesting or simply at a minimum obtain locally grown food from the market and prepare it within a day or so of harvesting. In the current society this is no longer possible. Even when fresh vegetables and fruits are consumed as a large portion of the diet, our country's food supply is contaminated by the use of pesticides, herbicides and hormones and much of the nutrient value is lost just by transportation of the food crop from thousands of miles away. Food is harvested before it is truly ripe, irradiated, stored cold and transported across states, nations and even oceans before it arrives in our grocery stores as tasteless, substandard, nutrient poor produce. Many people are attempting to eat only organic, locally grown produce for this reason. While this may be progress over the nutritional value of the standard American diet, it is nearly always much more expensive and therefore unaffordable for many and unavailable with regard to others as most markets do not focus on obtaining such products. So this effort, while valiant is still not enough. The good news regarding the American nutritional situation is that it is quite easy to fix. Given appropriate nutrition, the human body has an amazing ability to heal again. Many diseases and conditions caused by overconsumption and malnourishment can be easily corrected by supplementation with whole nutrition nutritional products. As Americans cannot rely on the food supply to provide adequate nutrition and also cannot count on the source, top quality and purity of most commercially available nutritional supplements, the only answer appears to lie in whole food supplementation. What is a Whole Foodstuff Supplement? Whole food supplements are defined as nutritional supplements derived entirely from food. This is a much more natural and beneficial method to obtaining nutrition from food and herbal supplements alike. Unfortunately, most commercially available nutritional supplements including vitamins, minerals and even herbal products are made completely of single ingredient extracts or worse, artificially synthesized in a lab using chemical type processes. While synthesized supplements may in fact provide basic vitamins and minerals known to be vital, artificially prepared products are lost many of the alkaloids, antioxidants and phytochemicals that are thought to play a major role in complete nutrition and disease deterrence. The same is true for herbal supplements and treatments as most commercially available herbal products do provide an extract or synthesized form of the primarily active chemical within the herb, they are still missing many of the synergistic ingredients thought to provide increased benefits of herbal and nutraceutical treatment. Simply Taking Vitamins isn't Enough Vitamins and Minerals are absolutely necessary for life but the RDA is generally both inadequate in its estimate and unattainable through the average American diet. While many commercially available food supplements are available at every corner, through necessity, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) does little to regulate the output of food supplements such as vitamins, minerals and herbal products. The FDA cannot apparently manage even its' principal tasks of regulation of the pharmaceutical industry and assurance of the safety of the American food supply. In the last a long time, many counterfeit pharmaceutical products have been discovered such as flu medication being sold online, manufactured outside of the United States was seen to be gelatin capsules filled with sheetrock particles. In addition Americans have seen case after case of E. Coli not to mention Salmonella contamination of both American and foreign farm crops such as lettuce, tomatoes, onions and peppers insert our grocery stores. Some of these products were even the so called "organic" products, purported to be safer than standard crops. Why a Whole Food Supplement As there is inadequate supervision of the pharmaceutical and food production industries, there does exist even less of the nutritional supplement market. The average vitamin or nutritional supplement is manufactured using chemical synthesis and heating processing which destroys the nutritional value of the product within. In addition , many commercially available products are manufactured along with fillers, additives, preservatives and other dubious chemicals. Whole food supplements are not. Within the last several years, significant shortcomings have come to lightweight in terms of foreign made food and health products. Many products have proven to be contaminated with not only the known substances that are present in the American food supply but also with much more dangerous unknown chemicals that should never enter all the manufacturing process. The only way to ensure that this does not happen is to purchase high quality products from a company with a well established repute for maintaining high standards of manufacturing and purity. As whole food supplements are natural products, it would be best possible if the manufacturer employed practices of sustainability and green policy. The ideal food supplement manufacturer recognizes that nutritional vitamins do not exist in isolation. The nutritional value of whole food is due to the interweaving of the entire spectrum from nutrients with vitamins and minerals acting in a synergistic fashion with hundreds of other plant alkaloids, phytochemicals and enzymes. Your cofactors and bioflavonoids such as terpenes and isoflavones present in whole foods and whole food supplements are integral in the way to restore biochemical balance to the body. This is quite easy to identify when examining the label of a nutritional supplement, vitamin or maybe herbal product. Though the FDA doesn't do an adequate job of monitoring the food supply or pharmaceutical industry, they also have established standards of labeling which include appropriate identification of all ingredients contained in a supplement. Close examination of most usual supplements when compared to whole food supplements will show that most products contain synthetic vitamins, chemicals and filler products whereas whole food supplements contain natural vitamins and minerals obtained from concentrated food sources such as fruits and vegetables. Supplements manufactured from whole food options will contain not only the natural form of vitamins and minerals but also all of the important phytochemicals and phytonutrients important to restoration about nutritional health and prevention of disease derived from whole food concentrates. Choosing a Quality Supplement Whole food supplements are dietary products which have been manufactured directly from food. Food grown in natural conditions is concentrated using carefully designed and also conducted cold processing techniques. These methods allow the concentration of the entire spectrum of nutritional value without removing the actual phytochemicals, alkaloids and other valuable natural substances that ensure adequate nutritional support and help to prevent disease. As soon as choosing a whole food supplement one should ensure that the product is from a manufacturing company known to have a long standing standing for quality and experience in whole food processing. The products should be constituted entirely of whole food products which have been sophisticated using cold processing without the nutrient reducing effects of extreme heat, pasteurization and irradiation. They should also end up free of artificial filler products and preservative chemicals. The manufacturer should have a process of testing for purity and promise of quality and ideally should offer a money back guarantee if one is not satisfied with the product. For the American consumer, optimally an American product will be purchased an in an effort to aid the environment, a company with "green" policies should be chosen to enhance sustainability of the food supply. Specific Nutrient Needs Vitamin A Vitamin A and the carotenoids are highly obtained in many vibrantly colored fruits and vegetables along with fish and animal livers and are essential for: o proper functioning of the attention and skin including the gastrointestinal tract o acts as an antioxidant, protecting against cancer and diseases of aging e important in support of the immune system for protection against viruses and infections of the organ linings of bladder, kidneys, lungs and mucous membranes o essential for protein utilization Vitamin A deficiency causes dry hair, skin, eye ball disorders, fatigue, reproductive difficulties, frequent colds and infections, and skin disorders. Traditional vitamin supplements will typically possess synthetic Vitamin A Palmitate and/or beta carotene isolate. Whole Food Supplements will contain Vitamin A1, Vitamin A2, retinal, retinoic acid and a number of more the 500 carotenes all of which are precursors to Vitamin A and essential fatty acid, natural sugars, minerals and other phytonutrients found only in whole food. Vitamin B Complex Vitamins B is actually a number of similarly related compounds found in yellow and green fruits and vegetables particularly leafy green and cruciferous vegetables along with nuts, grains, eggs, dairy products and meats and are known to be essential for: o maintenance of skin, big eyes, hair, liver and mouth o healthy gastrointestinal tract and brain functioning o coenzymes involved in energy manufacturing o proper functioning of nervous system particularly in the elderly Specific Vitamin B Deficiencies: B-1 Thiamine n insufficiency - Beriberi, canker sores, mental disorders such as dementia, depression and dizziness, fatigue, indigestion, diarrhea, numbness plus muscle atropy B-2 Riboflavin deficiency -mouth sores, cataracts, dermatitis, hair loss, neurological symptoms on skin, light tenderness, seizures B-3 Niacin deficiency - pellagra, bad breath, skin and mouth disorders, memory impairment, confusion, despression symptoms, muscle weakness B-5 Pantothenic Acid deficiency - abdominal pains, skin disorders, hair loss, muscle spasms and negative coordination, immune impairment, low blood pressure B-6 Pyridoxine deficiency - eye, skin and mouth inflammation, mucous membrane disorders, lack of wound healing B-12 Cyanocobalamin deficiency - pernicious anemia, unsteady gate, dizziness, drowsiness, major depression, hallucination headaches, memory loss, tinnitus, spinal cord degeneration Folic Acid deficiency - certain types of anemia, fatigue, internal disorders, insomnia, diarrhea, spina bifida in developing infant Traditional Vitamin B supplements will generally contain just the synthetic form of one or more of the B vitamin group, while whole food supplements will contain all of the Vitamin M family along with the added benefits of phytonutrients such as inositols, PABA, biotin and choline derived from concentration of whole certain foods. Vitamin C Vitamin C (Ascorbic Acid) is found in citrus fruits, berries and green vegetables and is essential for: o flesh growth and repair o adrenal gland function o healthy gums o production of anti stress human hormones and interferon o absorption of iron in the gastrointestinal system o metabolism of amino acids and vitamins o activity as an antioxidant and support of the immune system Vitamin C deficiency causes Scurvy, poor wound healing, periodontal disease, edema, weakness, frequent infections, fatigue, and joint pains. Traditional Vitamin C supplements will have only Ascorbic Acid or Ascorbate, while Whole Food Supplement vitamin C will contain phytonutrients such as rutin, bioflavonoids, tyrosinase, ascorbinogen, vitamin C factors such as J, K and P along with mineral co-factors necessary for vitamin C process all derived appropriately from whole food. Vitamin D Vitamin D is present largely in dairy food products and in fish and fish oils, green leafy vegetables, vegetable oils, egg yolks and sweet potatoes and it is necessary for: o bone and teeth growth and development in children o muscle performance including skeletal as well as cardiac muscle o prevention of bone and tooth loss in elderly o thyroid and immune system doing work o normal blood clotting Vitamin D deficiency includes rickets, osteomalacea, loss of appetite, burning of mouth and throat, diarrhea, insomnia, and visual difficulties. Most commercial Vitamin D products including prescription formulas will have only Vitamin D2 (ergocalciferol) which is less absorbable and more difficult to use but has a longer shelf life as compared to it's cousin Vitamin D3 (cholecalciferol) while whole food supplements will contain significant amounts of Vitamin D3 along with many other useful phytonutrients in the form of whole food concentrates. Vitamin E Vitamin E is found in cold pressed vegetable oils, dark green leafy veges, beans, nuts and grains and is essential for: o antioxidant activity important for the prevention of cancer and cardiovascular disease o move and tissue repair o blood clotting and healing o skin and hair health Vitamin E deficiency may well result in damage to red blood cells, nerve destruction, infertility, menstrual problems, and neuromuscular disorders. Traditional vitamin E supplementations will generally include only one of the 8 active components of the vitamin E family, alpha-tocopherol. Whole food supplements will include not only alpha-tocopherol but also the 7 other alpha, beta, gamma and delta forms of both tocopherol and tocotrienol derived from concentrated food. Calcium Calcium is vital for the formation of bones and teeth and the maintenance of gums. It is essential for the functioning of all muscular tissue, particularly the heart and participates in cellular functioning in virtually every section of the body. Calcium is highly present in dairy products, meaty and oily fish and green leafy vegetables. Calcium lack of can lead to brittle bones, teeth and nails, skin disorders, cardiac disorders such as high blood pressure and cardiovascular system palpitations, cognitive impairment, hyperactivity and seizure disorders. Calcium contained in most traditional supplements will contain only calcium supplement carbonate or calcium citrate with the possible addition of Vitamin D or may contain D1-calcium-phosphate which is altogether insoluble and cannot be absorbed. Whole Food Supplement calcium products will contain additional nutrients such as amino acids together with vitamin C which are necessary for calcium absorption and utilization. Iron Iron is essential for the production of hemoglobin that's vital to the supply of oxygen throughout the body. Iron is also important for production of many important enzymes within the body. It can also be found in meats, fish, eggs, green leafy vegetables, nuts and grains in large amounts as well as a number of herbs along the lines of alfalfa and milk thistle. Deficiency of Iron includes symptoms of anemia, weakness and fatigue, hair loss, mouth infection, fingernail malformation and mental impairment. Most commercially available iron supplements will contain iron sulfate or golf iron gluconate as a singular product or in combination with other vitamins and minerals. Iron is best absorbed in the presence of vitamin J and when consumed as a constituent of a food source. Whole food supplement iron will result in better absorption and a smaller amount stomach upset as it is derived from whole food. Magnesium Magnesium is vital as an enzyme catalyst especially with regard to energy construction. It also aids in cellular calcium and potassium uptake which makes it essential for the transmission of muscle and nerve urges. It can be readily found in many foods especially animal products such as dairy, meat and seafood but also in many vegetables and fruit such as apples, apricots, bananas, whole grains and soy products. Deficiency of magnesium will cause muscular irritability, mental problems, chronic fatigue, chronic pain syndromes, depression and pulmonary disorders along with being a factor in hypertension and sudden heart death. Traditionally prepared magnesium supplements will contain only magnesium usually in the form of magnesium chloride or magnesium sulfate while whole food supplements will contain other minerals such as calcium and potassium along with vitamin c and other nutritional vitamins from whole food concentrates necessary for the proper absorption and utilization of magnesium. Zinc Zinc is important in the growth and additionally function of reproductive organs and may help regulate oil gland activity and prevent acne. It is essential for protein in addition to collagen synthesis and vital to the functioning of a healthy immune system and has been shown to have potent antiviral activity. The idea plays a major role in wound healing and the sensation of taste and smell. It is also a constituent of numerous physiological chemicals such as insulin and various enzymes. Zinc is highly present in eggs, fish, beans, meats, mushrooms and many seed such as pumpkin and sunflower seeds. Deficiency of zinc may result in a loss of taste and smell and may also cause the fingernails to become weak and thin. Other signs may include delayed sexual maturation, growth impairment, ailments of sexual organs of both males and females, fatigue, hair loss, slow wound healing and recurrent infections. Many commercially offered supplements will contain either zinc gluconate as a singular product or in combination with other minerals without regard regarding appropriate ratios for optimal absorption and utilization within the body. As whole food supplements are derived from actual meals, the appropriate ratios necessary for maximum benefit are already present established by nature. Unique Benefits of Whole Food Supplements According to the U. S. Unit of Agriculture (USDA), over 70% of Americans do not consume enough whole food products to provide even the RDA of vitamins. While vitamins are necessary for life, ordinary vitamin supplements will not entirely fill the gap. Unlike most financial dietary supplements which are stand alone chemicals, whole food supplements contain any number of several thousand known and unknown phytonutrients such as: o Carotenoids o Polyphenols (Flavonoids) o Phenols o Indoles o Lignans (Phytoestrogens) o Phytates (Inositols) o Saponins u Sulfides and Thiols o Terpenes Research has proven these nutrients to be protective against many diseases. A few types of phytonutrients are known to provide such benefits as enhanced immunity, cancer prevention, detoxification and DNA maintenance. Carotenoids The phytonutrient category of carotenoids has been shown to protect against certain types of cancer, optical failure from diseases for example macular degeneration and assist in the prevention of cardiac disease. Carotenoids are partially responsible for the vibrant colors of many vegetables and fruits. Carotenoids can help prevent vitamin A deficiency by acting as precursors to Vitamin A which assists your system in manufacturing Vitamin A. In addition several carotenoids are known to be anti-oxidants and may protect against diseases of aging along with exposure to environmental toxins. Carotenoids may also be a factor in the prevention and treatment of other diseases such as: o Cancers - including cervical, throat, lung, prostate and skin cancers o Heart disease - including angina pectoris and even congestive heart failure o Infections - including AIDS, Chlamydia, Candidiasis and pneumonia o Immune system mediated issues - including rheumatoid arthritis, and photosensitivity o Other conditions - such as asthma and osteoarthritis A balanced strategy of carotenoids such as found in whole foods and whole food supplements will be better absorbed than individual supplements since too much of any one carotenoids may inhibit the absorption of others. This is one of the many reasons why whole food supplements are more effective than simple vitamin supplementation. Carotenoids known to be present and beneficial can be found in the following fruits or vegetables: o leader carotene - carrots o beta carotene - green cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, and Brussels sprouts, yellow/orange vegetables such as sweet potatoes, pumpkin and carrots o beta cryptoxanthin - orange fruits such as mangos, peaches and apricots o lutein - leafy green vegetables such as turnip greens, collard greens and spinach o lycopene - red fruits such as watermelon, guava, tomatoes and red grapefruit o zeaxanthin - green vegetables such as natural beans and broccoli, yellow food such as eggs mangos and citrus fruits Polyphenols Polyphenols (Flavonoids) are regarded as active antioxidants and are thought to be important in preventing diseases caused by oxidative stress such as some cancers and some options cardiac disease and some inflammatory processes which cause diseases such as arthritis and other diseases of aging. Some examples connected with polyphenols found in food products include: o anthocyanins - red foods such as berries, red cabbage, red grapes a flavones - celery and parsley o ellagic acid - berries such as strawberries, blueberries and raspberries to catechins - tea, wine and chocolate along with other tart foods such as berries and apples o flavanones : found in citrus fruits o coumarins - found in grains and grasses such as wheat grass Phenols Phenols cover a number of anti oxidant nutrients such as Resveratrol and are known to be powerful antioxidants. Phenols have proven to be effective in the prevention old related disorders and many diseases caused in part by oxidative stress such as arthritis, cardiovascular disease and cancer. Phenols can be found in purple fruits such as grapes and blueberries along with wine and tea. Indoles Indoles are known to assist in hormone production and maintenance of balance. Indoles are also thought to provide cellular protection against cancers such as intestinal tract cancer and endometrial cancer along with others. They are largely present in cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, Brussels sprouts not to mention cabbages. Lignans Lignans (Phytoestrogens) have weak estrogen like activity which is important in the prevention and possible procedure of hormone mediated cancers such as breast, testicular and prostate cancer. They also may block inflammatory processes that can aid in the treatment of diseases such as arthritis and platelet aggregation leading to stroke. Lignans highly present in flax seed and also soy products but are also found in other grains such as wheat, barley and oats along with beans and vegetables and fruits such as garlic and broccoli. Inositols Phytates (Inositols) may help lower blood cholesterol and aid in prevention of brain disorders such as bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression. Inositols and Phytates are present in large amounts in grains, nuts and melon family members such as cantaloupe, squash and cucumbers. Saponins Saponins are known to lower cholesterol and probably do act as an immune booster protecting the body against infections from viruses, bacteria and fungi. They may also provide a few protection against heart disease and have proven to be effective in the treatment of cancer. Several anti cancer drugs are based on any saponin molecular structure. Saponins can be found in foods such as asparagus, red onions, alfalfa sprouts, and soybeans. Thiols Sulfides and Thiols are vital to the functioning of the cardiovascular system including the smooth muscles of the arteries and arterioles along with the linings of both veins and arteries. Thiols have proven instrumental in the development of plaques contributing to atherosclerosis, arteriosclerosis, myocardial infarction and stroke. Sulfides and thiols are highly present in members of the odiferous Lilly friends and family such as garlic, onion, chives and leeks Terpenes Terpenes are thought to protect against cancer and free radical hurt which may contribute to diseases of aging such as stroke and alzheimers disease. Terpenes are highly present in foods that include green foods, grain and soy products and also in many herbs such as Gingko biloba. These phytonutrients are just several examples of natural molecules known to aid in promotion of health and make the case for the use of Whole Food Supplements. There are countless numbers more, yet to be identified that are present and beneficial and cannot be synthesized in a lab. Supplementation with singled out vitamins and minerals alone will not solve a nutritional deficiency. As Americans are unlikely to return to the farm, consumption of a completely food supplement appears to be the only way to actually bridge the nutritional canyon that the American diet has created due to a lifestyle for convenient packaged food that is easy to prepare but sorely deficient in nutritional quality. * Bachelor of Discipline Nursing... Excelsior College, Magna Cum Laude * Bachelor of Arts Psychology Mental Health... Southern Connecticut Condition University, Summa Cum Laude * Sigma Theta Tau, The National Honor Society of Nursing * Psi Chi, The National Honor Society in Psychology * Zeta Delta Epsilon, Honors Service Society by party's invitation, Southern Connecticut State University * Tau Kappa, Excelsior College Nursing Honors Society At 62 years, which includes a lifelong interest in nutrition and a consistent practitioner of nutritional supplementation, I suffered a heart attack. After comprehensive research I realized that my program of supplementation had actually caused further nutritional deficiencies. Many of the dietary supplements I had been taking were synthetic compounds and bio-identical hormones. This lead to comprehensive research in whole food by using supplements, where the vitamins, minerals and herbals came from and the methods used to process them.

[vsag23]

Venus in aspect to Uranus: Out of sight near the heart

When Venus meets Uranus in the natal chart, there is a great need for freedom and personal expression. Whatever aspect there is between these two planets, there is a taste (Venus) for expressing your individuality and remaining free (Uranus).

Venus-Uranus is refreshing by its sincerity and unwillingness to follow social conventions. It is the typical aspect of the marginal; they don’t care for what other people think and appreciate uniqueness, rebellion, unwillingness to follow the group. They have their own taste, desires, and if they are the only one liking things the way they do, even better! Sometimes it becomes a personality trait to want to have everything “special”: Limited editions, exclusive products, trends no one ever heard of, and so on. The personality is electric, the tastes eclectic, and the mind is wide open.

With Venus - Uranus, there is a desire to multi task, stay busy, jump around, but also a difficulty to stay focus, grounded, and follow through with what's started. After studying charts of people with attention disorder (ADD and ADHD), I found Venus – Uranus in aspects at a very high occurrence in the natal chart (the most common contacts being opposition and square).

Venus-Uranus needs change, all the time. Things have to be original, exciting, unsettling; they want their life to be moving around and as soon as an habit form for too long they may want to break it. If the aspect between Venus and Uranus is flowing (sextile, trine) it can be easy to be unique, to be adventurous, to express your individuality. You can always be on the look out for a thrill, explore, pursue your personal passions, be avant-garde, and carefree. You can find an activity that is tailored to your personality, put your skills on display. Now if the aspect is a conjunction, a square, an opposition, a quincunx, it’s often a bit more complicated. We find someone that truly needs to be unique, to be free from people’s opinions, to fulfill their need for freedom, but someone who may struggle achieving it. In this case there is a need to break free from a certain mould, from a certain belief that they can’t be true to themselves. On the other hand we can find people who take it to the opposite extreme, always position themselves on the side of the minority, constantly in a state of rebellion, which of course blocks the expression of their true self.

 When it comes to relationships, Venus-Uranus needs a lot of freedom and space. They fall in love in a heartbeat, but they may sometimes struggle sustaining the interest. Often (and especially with the difficult aspects but also with the flowing ones), we find someone with a deep fear of commitment, a fear that if they settle down they will lose their independence and a part of their personality, of their individuality. They fear being absorbed by another person, being locked down, being prevented from exploring all their interests and passions.

If the person is conscious of it, it’s fine. They just need to acknowledge their needs and find someone who is fine with not putting labels (a lot of people stay together for their whole life but don’t get married for example), or someone who is ok with them disappearing for a few days, or fine with them traveling by themselves, or having a long distance relationship, or having a hobby of their own that consumes their time, and in some cases someone fine with an open relationship. Whatever the form it takes, the idea is that Venus - Uranus needs to feel that being in a relationship doesn't mean they will have to sacrifice what they love and their needs for space.

However if the person isn’t conscious of their deep needs, this is where it becomes a bit dysfunctional. They will either constantly break off their relationships (officially for diverse reasons, but in reality because of the fear to lose their freedom), or they will find partners upon which they project their own fears. For example, someone who repeatedly meet married prospects, someone who repeatedly find people who aren’t ready to commit. You’ll hear them say “I’m so unlucky, how is it possible to always find married people?”. In reality, Uranus – Venus isn’t brought to the conscious yet and their own fears of commitment pushes them to find people who conveniently don't want or can't settle.

If you have Venus - Uranus in your chart and struggle with finding the right relationship for you, ask yourself what is important for you (keeping your freedom, having an open relationship, being able to disappear, having a "safety room" in which you can retreat every now and then, whatever it is) and set clear boundaries in your relationships; this will help you find someone and stay with them while remain true to yourself.

If you're dating someone with Venus - Uranus, ask them what they need to feel like they aren't losing themselves in the relationship and see if their needs are compatible with yours. Be honest with them as they are often very honest themselves.

source: lookupthestars.com

[whatupwiththelists]

List Christmas Letter 2015

Hello Family & Friends,

If you’re reading this letter, congratulations! You’ve made our “B” group! Nice work! The people who made our “A” group have a much nicer letter in my opinion, but this one is OK too. If you’re curious as to how to qualify for the “A” group next year, it’s simple. We select a name and then ask Sophie to choose a number between 1 and 10. Jayden will answer for her which will make her upset so she’ll start to cry. Cadence will try to comfort her, and then some other stuff will happen. Then some more stuff and it usually ends up with everyone hitting daddy. At this point I’m grumpy so you’re in the “B” group, so deal with it.

Again, it’s been an eventful year and we are again in good health and spirits. Lucy is still working at Telus as part of the Koodo team and enjoying herself. She was working as a contractor, and was recently offered Full Time which apparently is pretty rare since most Telus workers are contractors. Working with a younger team is really good training for better understanding of words and slang that our kids will probably start using in a few years. She seems to be having fun which is great. Having her job for almost 2 years, she’s now the “steady” one.

I on the other hand, have a new job… again :) I left Sysomos in November to work for a start up company called VarageSale as a Product Manager. Same job, different place. They develop a product (website & app) similar to Kijiji or Craigslist that you can buy and sell items. Their advantage is that they focus on creating a sense of community and safety. Users need to be “accepted” into the community through an approval process and they have community administrators who monitor those communities. The office is still downtown. A little further commute than the Telus building, but it has it’s perks. We have a large metal bull, a pool table, ping pong table, lots of free food, beer fridge and some really amazing people that create a truly fantastic culture. I’m pretty happy to be a part of that.

On the side, I’m also developing a product in my spare time called Me in a Nutshell (meinanutshell.com is where it will live soon). The idea is that you hook up all of your social media accounts to it, move stuff around and choose colours etc to your liking. We’re looking to do a BETA launch early next year. If you’re interested in taking a look please let me know (I’d love to get more feedback).

What’s up with the kids you ask? Oh right… them…

Well, Sophie turned 3 this year and is still a little nutcase. She was terrible at 2 and SURPRISE! She’s still terrible and I still blame Lucy. She learned to push the pedals on her tricycle this past summer which made me really proud. She loves playing with her dolls and is very particular about what she wears. Sophie has also earned the title of champion grunter and generally making angry sounds when she’s grumpy (which is most mornings). These sounds are typically directed toward me, especially when I have any form of physical contact with her mother. Hugging Lucy = high severity grunt and usually a few bruises while she acts as a human crowbar to wedge us apart. If any of you are interested in a brand new, mostly natural form of birth control please come see me.

Cadence is our little gymnast. She’s constantly doing cartwheels or handstands and generally flipping one way or the other all over the house. A few months back she started in the competitive program, so she’s spending some more time in class. The only major drawback is that sometimes Lucy sees her doing something and thinks she should try. No Lucy, it’s really not a good idea. Cadence is our little superstar when it comes to school. She loves going to school, and is quite the girly girl. Hard to believe she’s turning 7 in a couple of days! She’s still very much into crafts and loves to draw just like mom and dad.

Jayden is doing really well. He’s doing much better at school this year and has made Lucy and I even more proud. He loves gym, music, math and science and it’s been really great seeing him come back with excellent test scores. Jayden has continued to take piano lessons. Lucy is still amazed at how quick he’s able to pick it up and hear the notes. He had his first recital this year, which he was pretty proud of. He played a few songs he’s learned and even one he made up himself. Jayden had a great summer riding his scooter and being a 9 year old boy (attacking anything and everything with anything and everything that remotely resembles a sword/knife/bow & arrow or pick axe).

Last year we got Jayden tested. As it turns out he has ADHD and a learning disability. We learned that he’s been working at a 30% level because of his disability, when his potential is in the mid 90s. This school year has been much better. Now that he’s diagnosed, the school is able to be a little more supportive and we are more equipped to better understand his needs. He’s a visual person and learns through seeing and doing. His struggles are focusing on a task that he doesn’t understand or relate to. He’s not so good with words, but better with numbers and shapes. Much like me.

Lucy and I are very blessed to have three truly amazing little Lists.

(that’s Sophie’s grunting face :)

We also got a new nanny this year. Cathy. She has been amazing. She actually helps out other families in the neighbourhood and is also the lunch monitor at the kid’s school. She picks up the kids at school, supervises homework and gets dinner ready for them. Since she’s come into our lives, the kids are now able to get back into their after school programs (karate and gymnastics) Cathy has been a real help with Jayden. We owe his great test scores to her. She’s extremely patient with the kids, and definitely helps us in many ways. Kids are usually fed, with their chores and homework done before we get home. Which relieves a lot of stress from us since Lucy and I are still both working downtown.

For Lucy and I, life still goes on. I managed to stay healthy this year but didn’t have as many personal bests this year as last. I might run a half marathon next year and I’ll probably bike a little more, but nothing too out of the ordinary. I find that between work, side work, and the kids, I don’t have a lot of time to do much else :) I’m not complaining tho! Ok, maybe just a little.

Lucy had a big year running. She signed up for her first 10K race in March through her work and had 2 months to train for it. Having never run a 5K before she was a little apprehensive, but she did it. After that she signed up for a 15K in June and then this fall she ran her first half marathon in San Francisco and did it in a great time (2’07”). I think her true motivation was the Tiffany necklace they got at the finish line. All in all a great running year for someone who tells me constantly that she hates running. I would point out the conflict to her, but I often fear for my own personal safety so prefer not to talk to her or look her directly in the eyes.

This summer we had new neighbours move in right next door who also have 3 kids around a similar age. SCORE! Jayden and Cadence can often be found hanging around with Ethan and Melody. The neighbour's house is also pretty extraordinarily large, so hide and go seek is amazing over there. A great addition to our already amazing street!

We attended one of our first Canada day street celebrations this year which was a lot of fun. They closed down our street and held a street party on Canada Day. Lots of food, fun and friends. We say this every year, but we are extremely fortunate to be living in a neighbourhood where we can feel safe about our kids running in and out of houses and up and down the streets. This is where I would normally talk about our great neighbours and friends but I don’t think I can top what we said last year. So instead, I will quote it.

It’s hard to believe that 8 9 years ago, we moved into this new town. We’ve made so many great friends. Some have come and gone, but we are always very thankful for the friends we’ve made here, and have come to love. Our neighbourhood, and neighbours are one of a kind. Always willing to lend a helping hand at the drop of a hat. The kind of people you’d want to surround your life with, and that you’d want to raise your family around. For this we are grateful.

…end quote.

It’s been another great year filled with love, laughs, excitement and new beginnings. I hope this letter has given you a little chuckle and filled you up with cheer.

much love & holiday wishes.

word.

The Lists

[morethanmonotonous]

It’s the end of lockdown...

Yesterday I had a picnic with 8 friends, today I got drunk at the harbour with a friend. It's truly wild to conceptualise that only weeks ago, we were in what I've been calling "the dark times". The gloomy weather, the rain, the wind, the chilly mornings where we were all so glad we had masks to warm our noses, the 'trackpants' every day times, the need to take off your Oodie for a Zoom call. The weather has mirrored my lockdown experience perfectly, there's such a poetry in the way the seasons have fallen for us in Sydney.

Here's a restless and anxious tension in the air with the inevitable opening up again. Or at least, I feel it in myself and those around me - maybe we are all just a little anxious. But we are entering into another unknown period. Do we know if this is another 'between time'? How far ahead can we REALLY plan? Can anyone really fathom having 10,000 people at a festival? I can't even remember what it was like to be covered in other people's sweat, I can't believe that I was at AM PM hugging strangers, taking drugs, and dancing way too close to way too many people until 4am.

Seeing friends again has sparked something in me, and that is just how truly different the woman I am now is compared to the Jade who entered lockdown, unaware of what to expect. The girl who was still working at RB, the girl who wrote the very blog post below, unintentionally defining ADHD to a tee, the girl who couldn't settle on any single task, who didn't really enjoy that much time alone without a set mission. I have learn and grown so much in the past 14 weeks and I am so damn proud of myself. A product of my passion, curiousity, love of myself, and desire to make the best mental space for myself coming together for this crazy journey of personal growth is really something I hope I look back on fondly.

I've gotten to know myself so much better, and rediscover things I thought I'd forgotten. I love so many aspects of who the real core person I am is, and I hope I keep this.

My hopes for my future self is that you keep looking after yourself. Like really, looking after yourself. If that's a bath, stardew valley, reading, writing, cross stitching, whatever else you enjoy thats slow and still, embrace it. If it's something where you want more stimulation, something different, something new (and please always remember that you need this more than some others and this is OKAY!), embrace this too. Go where your heart takes you, to action and chaos and movement, or to still and gentle and slow.

Embrace your newfound feeling of security. In yourself, in your relationship, in your friendships, in yourself as an employee. This feeling of independence that has come through knowing that you will be okay regardless of your circumstances is SO powerful, continue to harness this. Don't worry as much after social situations, I promise your friends aren't thinking about that one time you interrupted them. If you hate your job that's cool and there will be another. If this relationship doesn't work out you’ll be okay. No matter what, I promise, you'll be absolutely okay because you're strong and you can do hard things.