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retrieve-the-kraken · 1 year ago

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Heartstopper Season 2 play-by-play analysis

I’ve already written all these thoughts during the last rewatch, but since I’m rewatching again to figure out which gifs I want to look for, I always end up rereading or rewriting something, adding more thoughts, etc. There’s always something to add, something new that I noticed. The next few rewatches will be all about the music, probably.

EPISODE 2 - FAMILY

- “LION FISH VERY TOXIC THEY HAVE STINGERS THAT ARE DEADLY TO THE TOUCH” “THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF FISH. HERE ARE A VARIETY OF FISH” “THAT LIVE IN THE SEA. I LOOKED UP PICTURES OF FISH ONLINE FOR THIS PAGE” “UNICORN FISH TYPES OF DEEPSEA FISH” I died reading Tao’s drawing notes.

- Why does Mr Farouk always look like he’s about to either give the scolding of a lifetime or give terrible news???? Even when he’s saying nice things. I love him, though.

- Isaac looking down at his book as he gets told to participate more.

- IS THAT DAVID THACKERAY telling Ben’s parents that Ben is wonderful? Poor thing.

- If we get Spanish-speaking Charlie at some point, I will cry.

- “I know getting your first boyfriend is very exciting, but…” Charlie’s parents will never know about Ben. The only ones who know are Nick and (somewhat) Tori, and that’s how it will stay. Was it Charlie’s first boyfriend? Technically, maybe, but in all the ways that matter, Nick is the true first, Nick has changed the game for Charlie forever. He shouted it at the sea and everything.

- Here we have the first time that Jane takes a very extreme approach, but of course she doesn’t know that Charlie has bigger problems than being distracted by his new boyfriend. Jane’s approach is complete ban, complete cut off, no in between.

- Olivia Colman, in yellow, like the ray of sunshine she is. But how Sara managed to raise someone as shit as David, when she’s so wonderful and Nick turned out so wonderful, is beyond me.

- The actor who plays David is so good, you just want to punch him.

- “the universe is pulling us apart” “we are tragic starcrossed lovers” “we should run away to paris together” “bring nellie though” “of course”… two dumbasses in love.

- Ugh, Ben seeing Nick approaching so he pulls Imogen closer and kisses her because he knows it’ll piss Nick off… And Imogen being so oblivious that she thinks nothing of Nick’s frown and not waving back. She does look a bit sad that he doesn’t. And Ben looking so smug.

- New favorite character unlocked: Sahar. We love her. I didn’t really get much personality from her in the comics, but here it’s much more fleshed out.

- “Still as desperate as ever”, excuse me? Who’s the true desperate one here? Ben gets this wistful, googly-eyed look every time Charlie appears and looks equally as murderous at Nick every time he sees them together. None ya business, Ben.

- Nick seriously telling Ben not to talk about Charlie, because that’s as much as he can do, or ignore him, but Ben won’t let it go, like he’s not even a little bit afraid of the boy that could snap him like a twig.

- “It’s not my fault he liked me before you”. EXCUSE ME, for one thing, what does that have to do with anything??? And for another thing, you really think that Charlie liked you? I don’t think Ben realizes how much Charlie’s crush on Ben was just that, a crush, but actually liking him would have probably made it harder for Charlie to break things off, and it wasn’t… I think Charlie authentically had a crush on Ben, because he’s handsome and because he took an interest in him, and because there was no one else. But liking him? Nah, that was just wishful thinking.

- “I hate you because you literally assaulted him”. YES NICK, TELL HIM.

- “I was going through personal stuff”. Everyone is always going through personal stuff, you dick. But you chose to “take it out” on Charlie.

- “You hurt him and who knows if you’ll do the same with Imogen.” Sweet Nick. “Do you even like her?”

- “Sorry, am I not allowed to like girls as well as boys?” This might be the first time that he’s been this honest with someone over whom he doesn’t have any control whatsoever. Also Nick’s face when he realizes that him and Ben are both bi, or at least that’s what Ben is telling him. And it reinforces the fear that Nick’s had since last season, that he’s just like Ben.

- “I’ll believe that when I see it.” Ben also thinks that being queer means having to tell the world, otherwise it’s not real.

- Ben saying that Charlie thinks that Nick is perfect, like… sir, you do not speak for Charlie, and you do not know Nick, and you are just trying to make yourself not look as bad, and convince yourself that you could just be as good a boyfriend to Charlie as Nick is, and why don’t you just go to therapy, SIR??? But Nick for a moment looks like he believes him, because it’s been hard for him to come out, he’s only managed to come out himself to two people, his mum and Imogen, and he knows it’s hard, and maybe Ben is right, maybe he’s just like him, maybe he’ll hurt Charlie too by keeping their relationship a secret… Him stroking the pen that Charlie gave him.

- “I’ve had the worst day haha” aw baby, the haha just makes it worse.

- I just realized how much I relate to Nick’s relationship with his brother. Not that my sister was ever as bad as a David, but I wish she had been more of a Tori… Being the youngest and having to deal with an invasive older sibling who just waltzes into your room and looks at your stuff and thinks they know you better than you know yourself… yeah… In retrospect it’s funny how siblings can be so unbearable to each other, and often it gets better when you don’t have to live together anymore, but it’s amazing how we can tick each other off, like no one else can… they did such a good job at capturing that dynamic…

-“If you do have a girlfriend, I want to know about it, she needs my approval”, sir fuck all the way off back to uni, please.

- “We could meet at the park”, and then they meet there and it’s so obvious that their homes used to be their safe places, but now, now they know that it’s each other, they’re each other’s safe place. Recharging!

- Listen, that hug, that spin hug, with the music playing, the joy on their faces as they realize that home is wherever the other one is, it’s just soooooo… it rewired my brain, it was like a deep breath, it’s the epitome of all NickxCharlie hugs. It’s one of my favorite scenes, if not the most favorite.

- I love how we got to see the beginning of Charlie’s serial hoodie thievery. This whole scene is so soft. And Nellie just makes everything ten times better.

- Nick leaning in for a kiss in an open space, and Charlie looking around nervously, because last season Nick was flinching with nerves at the idea of anyone, even strangers, seeing them kiss, and Nick knows this and he has moved past that and he pulls Charlie on top of him and just kisses him like crazy… seriously the amount of kissing this season is magical… And Charlie feeling euphoric as he walks home and sees Nick’s instagram post about him…

- Elle’s new friends are as stylish as her… Naomi’s eyeliner is perfect…

- I love that we get a little more insight into Elle’s experience, and why she wants to pursue art, and why Lambert would be a safe haven for her…

- Tao’s mum being the biggest fan of Elle and being the biggest TaoElle shipper… I’m glad we got a bit more of her, and other parents. Elle’s parents were excellent too (more on them later).

- Nick gathering up the courage to confront Imogen about Ben, because he wants to protect her, but not being able to tell her why, and Imogen getting defensive because she’s just afraid of being alone. And the whole thing affecting Nick and causing him such anxiety that he can’t really focus.

- The big hug and lift, priceless move. (I've lost count of all the times that Nick gives into his urge of picking Charlie up in any way he can).

- “That boy of yours is here”. Elle’s mum being a bit of a TaoElle shipper too. Elle trying to put distance between them.

- Charlie not being a fan of Marvel movies, whilst Joe Locke is starring soon in a Marvel streaming show… poetic. Methinks that, when the time comes for Nick to watch Agatha Coven of Darkness, he’ll have a massive crush on that actor who plays (presumably) Billy.

- “I’ll have something when I get home”, and then when he gets home “I ate at Nick’s.”

- Fucking David, snooping around, disrespecting Nick’s privacy. And Nick’s little “you okay?” at Charlie. David is such a perfect asshole, and I love Nick calling him a homophobic prick, but not being intimidated or anything. “You left a picture of you two kissing on your bedroom wall” “WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING IN MY ROOM?” Yes, David, why?

-Some people pointed out that Nick seems to unfairly take it out on his mum, when it was David, a grown man, sneaking in as he pleases, but I didn't see it that way. Nick's yelling at David, but looking at him mum, or looking to her for support, like going "do you see what he's done??? do you see what a dick your other son is???? please tell him to stop!!"

- Nick telling Charlie that it’s not his fault, and telling him that he’s fine and he doesn’t care, but Charlie had really thought he’d be able to protect Nick from the things that happened to him when he came out.

- Tao’s talk with his mum, it was so sweet.

- Charlie and Isaac being so serious, but also not arguing when Tao said “I know you’ve been laughing behind my back because I’m so oblivious”. And him asking for their help.

This episode was brought to you by HOODIES™.

#heartstopper #heartstopper season 2 #heartstopper play-by-play analysis #heartstopper season two #nick and charlie #nick x charlie #heartstopper netflix

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stoptellinglieslois · 1 year ago

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Love fair Act 2

I think this fic will mostly be Dick's pov.

Clark Kent x Dick Grayson Pairing

As the days and months go by I start to gain muscle mass my veins are starting to form, Eyeballs and my heart is reforming again I lay here as my body is reviving itself back to the undead state it is a dark marvel to see.

As I sit here my vision blurred but I could see the male again he is wearing a spectacle on his face and has raven black hair in a room with that cold woman.

"God Lois I want to take you to the football game on friday night, I just think that we could you know hang out together.. I mean we don." He is cut off swiftly from the woman. "No Clark you keep asking me to go out with you I am going with Charles." As she writes a stack of paper on her desk.

The energy around her is dark and a cold breeze is always around her every time the opportunity is presented in front of me it never sits well being around Lois I don't want him to be around her. "Lois I keep asking you because I want you to give me a shot." From what I gather he has feelings for her which this is ill-advised. "Clark your just not my thing farm boy ok I am pretty sure you could find someone your own level." She is a reptile to hurt him like this to strike his heart with a dagger and twist it as she shot him down with arrows.

I would make her pay for that.

Clark sat on his desk as others walked in and out of the room he was wounded and crushed his spirit and his soul. I would take care of it I felt every pain every carved out emotion that was now hurt and exposed falling out on his heart broken hurt lay on the desk.

I looked less like a skeleton and more formed I could move my toes and digits, Drinking more blood from animals was making me stronger day by day.

I know this is not my fishermen but he looks exactly like him it was like he leaped through time and found himself here. He got up and walked out it was like I was in the room with him I walked out with him and blew the papers off of her desk. "No my god why me." She yelled as others came to her rescue in picking up the papers off the floor.

I decided to reply to her. {Not god but I WOULD NEVER PICK YOU.} I demanded her attention and she froze like a frightened animal, That made me happy to see her freezing like prey scared and alert and that's how I would keep her on her toes.

I would spend my days connecting with Clark Kent he was a sweet man a bit bookish it's endearing he is nothing like the fisherman as I have more of a chance to observe him.

But that woman is evil and wicked every time he would be near her it was tragic to watch. I am one of the dark ones no matter what or how I see it or explain it but this woman is truly wicked in her there's true evil.

And my Clark is in love with her and it is not what I want and something has to be done about it, And I refuse to let him be struck down by this woman each time every day he spends moaning over her every day I get more and more motivate to spirit him away from this woman.

I did what I always did many centuries before I would send him my love, But how would I do that not that I can't do it I could do multiple things without even doing anything that's not the problem it's just that this centuries I have know idea what to do.

I would have to think about that sooner than later I knew magic quite well if I can mix magic and telepathy and hypnosis I could get a lot accomplished.

As I watched Clark and the class room read out loud each child seemed unemotional with no investment in what they were reading, I looked at one of the youth who seemed to like what he was reading.

Clark looks around and he picks youth who are too invested in their looks and would rather be doing naughty things then to get stuck here reading, I went closer to a young man that enjoyed what he was reading, I got behind his desk and I used some charm on the youth.

Clark looked around and he looked right where the youth was my spirit is standing behind, "Conner please read out loud." I made the boy rise up off his seat I possessed him fully heart body and soul book in hand. "Fold your arms around me close and strain me so that our hearts may break and our souls go free at last." I made him read it passionately with the feelings that our bottle up inside of me for longer than I could ever remember I made the youth read it as if I was in the room with Clark.

Clark blushed it was so lovely of a flush of rose on his cheeks as he watched the youth, The raven that came a few months before presented himself by the window again.

"Caw Caw caw." He exclaimed the children mostly were startled by it, Clark shoeing him away but he stayed there and fell silent knowing not to make a sound for not to be chased out. "That was very good Conner did you read the book." Clark asked taken by Conner's method of reading. "No I didn't I am not sure what's going on." The other youths laughed at him I didn't like it so the raven flew in the class room someone forgot to close the window I suppose.

It made his point in flying mad in the class room the raven laughed at the youth and flew away as Clark chased after him, I didn't have vocal cords yet but this would make me laugh.

I loved to do things in the past like this even if it was not becoming of me oh well. I was able to stay in this reality much longer now I would dream at times but they would be only about the past.

I was spirited away from Clark and his class room and wandered around the area that was my temporary resting place, All I saw was cornfields and fields that went for miles emerald green lands and beautiful country side.

I kept exploring and saw a flower shop that had lovely roses and lilies. I loved the lilies. The shop had an array of them but the dark plum red looking ones are beautiful they are called night rider lilies.

I made the shop keeper arrange a bouquet and he added a baby breath plant they are small little white flowers to go with the bouquet, He wrapped it up in a black velvet type of paper and walked out the shop.

I made the shop keeper do all of this without me being physically there, It was a big feat which means I am able to control humans now.

Good the shop keeper made its way to the school and found Clark and put the bouquet on the desk, The other teachers were surprised. "Who's your secret admire Clark." A woman with red hair who came close to his desk had a beautiful and sincere smile as she saw the flowers on Clark's desk. "I have no idea who did all of this." Clark is completely floored by this I could tell this man was never loved truly always pushed aside not being praised I would fix that.

"Well however given these flowers to you is quite morbid it's all dark and that velvet wrapping.." The red haired woman cut off that witch faster then her broomstick can take off.

"Has Charles ever given you flowers Lois I never saw him once tried nor even attempted to give you anything except an infection." However this woman is I give her ten points of dismantling this woman.

"He didn't give me an infection he gave me covid."

"That's still an infection Lane." The red hair countered and the wicked lady fell silent and filed some papers.

The red hair praised Clark and they both asked about who could it be as they list names, The other just sat there in her own foolish defeat as she said nothing the whole evening only listening to how lovely this all was.

End of act 2 on to act 3

Thank you for reading

#dick grayson #clark x dick #nightwing x superman parings #clark kent #fandom #fanfic stuff #fanfic smut #fanfiction #slash fandom #fandom things #fandom thoughts #vampire #vampcore #vampirecore #my fanfiction

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fourseasonsfigs · 2 years ago

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War Damaged Prince - New Year's JZEU Series (4)

Following up yesterday's valiant Lin Shu is today's battle-scarred Prince Han Ye.

The inspiration for this worse-for-wear gentleman are these gorgeous shots of Gong Jun for An Le Zhuan:

You'll note that none of these beautiful pictures show him battle-damaged. I guess we'll have to wait to see that when Legend of Anle airs. I'm ready! Anytime! I can't wait.

Our sweet prince arrived with his trusty spear alongside him. I tried to slide the shaft of the spear from the top of his hand, which looks pretty straightforward, right? No dice.

I tried wiggling the spear in a bit, warming up his little hand in hot water to make it more pliable, and then soothingly patting it. Nope, nope, and also nope. That spear wasn't fitting in for anything. Dearest reader, if you don't think I didn't suffer heart palpitations at the thought of having to snap in another weapon into another Han Ye's hand, well, you haven't read the high-stakes high-stress post called Han Ye with Sword. YEESH.

Since this fig is PVC, I took a very deep breath and a leap of faith, and pushed the spear in from the side. To my everlasting relief, it snapped right into his steely grip with no damage to it at all.

Thank goodness. I know I love me some battle-worn figs, and I know war is hell, but I like all limbs attached!

This is a terrible upshot angle of a beautiful fig. It's oddly somewhat reassuring that Han Ye and myself both don't look our best when photographed from underneath. Pics from up under the chin just never look great, it's true.

There we go - that's better! Much like yesterday's Lin Shu, we have some incredibly detailed fig armor, a flowing cape, and an resolute yet concerned expression. Speaking of concern, you can see how he's holding the spear here and why I was so worried about that little thumb there myself.

This is a good angle to see the tiger? lion? mystical beast? heads on his pauldrons. I love this detail so much!

Han Ye's hair in the picture is fully tied up and isn't half down like it is here, but it's such a great look that I'll never complain!

I continue to like the billowing motion on these fig's capes.

You'll notice Han Ye is standing very straight with impeccable princely posture. He's not exhibiting the slightest bit of Fig Forward Lean (tm) that we sometimes see to help offset the weight of that big ol' head. Unfortunately, this makes him tip right over backwards when standing. You can't see it here, but I've put a tiny bit of museum putty on the soles of his boots in order to keep him upright to take pictures.

I love the detail of his billowy pants under his robe and armor!

His beautiful golden guan has some nice detailing. You can also see the artful blood splatters over his noble brow.

It was a little difficult to get my camera angled right for this shot (the most amateur of amateur photographers indeed!) but I wanted you to be able to see how the armor detailing goes all the way around under the cape. Just beautiful.

Speaking of which, here's an extreme closeup so you can see all the wonderful detail, and of course the wonderfully tragic expression. And his ear mole!

I never noticed that Han Ye is closing his eyes in the box card photo. Interesting. He looks noble and pained at the thought of the battle ahead, which is right and proper! Certainly not looking forward to figs all dueling it out like uh, certain blogging figthusiasts. Whoever those, uh, might be.

In totally unrelated news, I'm looking forward to the War of the Figs display case I am planning out - I have every war-wounded, battle-beaten, PVC-blood adorned fig out there and oh boy am I excited to have them face each other down! It's gonna be amazing once it's all put together.

In one display case - figs on desserts and pastel-candy colored sweetness. In the other? Fig carnage!

Again, more beautiful box art. I really don't know what I'm going to do with all my boxes. I can't bear to throw them away, but they're definitely piling up.

Material: PVC

Fig Count: 256

Scene Count: 19 (the roof doesn't count! It was borrowed from the Moonlight on the Roof is Beautiful Tonight post)

Rating: Brave and beautiful

[link back to Master Fig Index for more posts]

#jzeu #gong jun #word of honor cast #woh cast #shl cast #an le zhuan #legend of anle #legend of anle merch #figthusiast #han ye

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reality-suckssssss · 2 years ago

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Well... here we are, its officially the last day of the year 2022. That sounds so insane to write because my brain is still trying to process the last few years that all seem like a giant blur and suffering, very much like this year haha. I am officially 9 days away from being 27. 27... that sounds so scary, its mind blowing I've made it this far and yet its also sad that I've made it this far. I never thought I'd make it to be honest and i lost all hopes, dreams and ambitions long ago but i want to gain them back so that next year i dont look bad and think about my life the way im thinking about it now, a waste.

I feel like the biggest failure on this earth and that my time here has truly been pointless. I genuinely dont know how or why I've made it this far, yet here i am.. still alive, still stuck, still lost, i still dont know what the fucking purpose of my existence is when my life is so boring and insignificant. 365 days wasted. 365 of being depressed and wanting to die. 365 days of dealing with anxiety over the smallest of things. 365 days... wasted on nothing meanwhile there's people that are wishing for just one more day of life, one more day to spend with a loved one, one more day of a life they love yet that life is coming to an end.

Meanwhile all i did this year was cry over the littlest of things, cry over things never working in my favor, crying over being fat yet not having enough mental strength and motivation to do anything about it. All i did this year was get a new job and cry over a boy that doesnt want me hahah but i will admit getting my job was probably the one and only good thing to happen this year. I genuinely love my job and i am greatful for such a good job with such amazing people around me, which also includes the boy that doesn't want me and is taken haha since my very first day there on valentine's day i got mesmerized by him, amazed at how beautiful he is because he is truly the most beautiful man i have ever seen. He is the kind of man i pictured when i thought about what kind of man i wanted for myself. He is tall, sweet, respectful, smart and so kind but sadly this beautiful man is already taken, not that he'd ever look in my direction the way i look at him every day. To him I'm just the awkward girl that stutters a little bit and used to get bright red every time she talked to him (so glad i learned to stop myself from turning red lol) but to me he's the one thing that makes me wake up happy which is sad and pathetic i know but do you know how many times I've told myself that i dont like him, that he doesnt like me and that nothing is gonna happen between us only to turn around half a second later and be sooo happy just because he talked to me!? A lot. A lot of times. But i can't help it.. i don't know what it is about him that has me there stuck on him, usually i can get over someone fairly quickly but with him it seems that no matter how hard i try im still back at square one.. But i hope i can move on in this coming year and i hope i can find some ambitions, goals to keep me going. i hope that i find genuine happiness and the love my soul so hopelessly wants.. i have so much love to give yet no one to give it to, a hopeless romantic that's never had true beautiful romance in her life, tragic.

I doubt anyone will read this but if you did... heres to the new year! <3 may this year be filled with all the greatest and all the love we want it to have.

#end of the year #2022 #thoughts #love #wonder #helpless #hopeful #depression sucks #anxiety sucks

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thatswhatsushesaid · 3 months ago

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rote anon again! i just wanted to talk a bit about the books so far ❤️

right now my favorite characters are verity, kettricken, burrich, and patience (which as a lxc, wq, jc, and jyl fan... can't say i could really expect anything different haha)!

i love verity and kettricken, they're amazing individually but together they just... shine. the kind and wise king (in waiting, technically, but he's the true king in mine and fitz's hearts) and the fierce and noble queen (again... she's the true queen and girlboss)!! they're so beautiful together, i was so happy when they finally talked and worked things out between them 🥲 my blorbos are in love your honor!!!

burrich the tragic bisexual icon. my god. i wish he could just be happy but i fear he's doomed to pine hopelessly for the rest of his life. it's just the kind of person he is... my boy. i want to wrap him in blankets and feed him a cinnamon roll and a black coffee. old man (late middle age, but you know what i mean) blorbos can be so compelling actually

lady patience!!! i was really scared when she first showed up because it's a classic trope, the wife of the bastard's father being resentful and awful towards the kid (madam jin anyone?) but she was so lovely and kind. she truly cared for fitz, she was 100 percent on his side and so supportive and sweet to him. i love how autistic she is about her plants it's really charming! she reminds me of my favorite aunt and i am so fond of her. i want to write fic about her and chivalry falling in love. augh

molly!! molly molly molly... an incredible example of womanly virtue. and i don't mean that in a weird "divine feminine" or tradwife way or anything, it's just... she's a real one, you know? she's fierce and strong and independent and proud and also tender and loving and loyal and responsible and patient and so so amazing. fitz really fucked up when he fumbled her imo. she deserves the best and i hope she gets it!! <3

all the characters, male and female, are incredibly written, as are the relationships between them. robin hobb obviously put tons of care and thought and passion into the characters and the world and how everyone and everything interacts. i can't wait to read the rest of her books!

i never expected to get so invested in a random (and a little bit niche as i understand it?) series that started almost 30 years ago, but i'm really glad i did!! thank you so so so much for putting it on my radar, i'm eternally grateful. i feel like i owe you a life debt or something. i'm going to recommend this to everyone i know and everyone i don't. i'm going to shout it to the world. this series has changed me irrevocably and i'm only two and a bit books in. thank you.

anon, you are REALLY going through it, this is THE quintessential realm of the elderlings experience!!! also re: lady patience oooooh just you wait, if you think you love her now, you're going to love her even more as the story progresses. also i have many, many additional (and complimentary!!) thoughts about molly and how the very best thing she ever did for herself was Move On From Fitz, which is why [redacted spiel about the last trilogy, i will withhold all my thoughts on this subject for now]

please do keep me posted on your read of the series, i'm very keen to hear more!

#asks answered #realm of the elderlings #farseer trilogy #robin hobb

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kcrabb88 · 4 years ago

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Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed!

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It: When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!)

Saving Face: A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight: A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol: An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary): A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding: As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!)

TV Shows

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education: A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!)

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack: A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence that will make you gay just by watching!)

Tales of the City (2019): A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!)

The Haunting of Bly Manor: After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman: Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original.

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston: For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer!

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters: Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!)

#I am inevitably forgetting things!!!#These are just ones that came to mind #Long post #Pride

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plan3tlvrs · 4 years ago

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Promise

erenxblackfem!reader

<3 erenxblackfem!reader (anyone is welcome to read)

<3 contains: slight mentions of racism, slight nsfw, major fluff, some angst?, mild language

<3 setting: 1950’s

<3 summary: you and eren’s relationship is forbidden due to the time period you live in. and it was easy to keep hidden until one quite night in your home.

___________

The school bell rang as you gathered your books holding them to your chest tightly. You placed the extra books that you didn’t need for homework tonight in your locker before meeting up with your friend Darcy.

“Did you hear about that black boy that got murdered a few weeks ago?” Darcy said holding up a newspaper as you both walked down the hall.

“Yeah my momma had the news on all night listening about what happened” You sighed as another young black male was tragically killed at the hands of a white man.

This wasn’t anything new to you living in the south in the middle of the 50’s was one of the worst places you could live at as a colored girl or any color at that. As long as you weren't white nobody cared about your well-being nor your feelings or how you were treated.

You grew up regularly being called slurs and many other derogatory names a woman of color could hear.

“You got any plans?” Darcy said as you walked down the dirt road to your small homes.

“I think Eren is coming by later to take me somewhere” You smiled at the thought of him.

Darcy laughed a little as you looked at her concerningly “By coming by later you mean sneaking you out of your bedroom window just to sit in his car”

“Darcy stop you know we can’t do much” You rolled your eyes at her.

It was true you and Eren couldn’t do much why? It was simply because you were black and he was white. Jim Crow laws prevented you from showing your relationship out to the public. This meant no drive in dates, dances at the teen club, or burgers and fries at the diner together.

You didn’t mean to fall for someone the opposite skin color the way you met just happened out of no where really. You remember walking down the busy street to get milk for your mom as she was making cornbread with the rest of your dinner tonight. Walking down the street getting weird stares as if you were the outcast.

You just walked with your head down and stared at the ground as your feet moved against the chalky pavement. Clutching your purse in hand you pulled open the door to the small market. Upon opening the door a body hit yours as fast as the wind did knocking you to the ground.

Eyes widening you quickly tried to pick yourself up as a pale hand reached out in front of you. Taken back by the kind gesture you pulled your hand away from theirs quickly continuing to look down.

“It’s alright I won’t hurt you I promise” The voice was soft and kind.

Looking up your gaze met a boy with brown hair and forest green eyes. His hair was pulled back into a bun which was something that made him so interesting to you. The green haired boy extended his hand out, encouraging you to reach for it. Taking a leap of faith you put your hand in his immediately feeling the softness of yours and his.

“Thank you so much kind sir I best be on my way now” You spoke, wiping off your knees and then your skirt.

The boy didn’t say anything back, he just stared into your eyes as if they were the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

“Wait let me help you with groceries, it's the least I can do” The boy shrugged his shoulder a bit.

The rest was history after that, you learned the boy's name that same day he went by Eren and you simply adored him. At first you had to keep your friendship on the low for obvious reasons. You didn’t feel yourself start to have feelings for him until the day he mindlessly knocked on your door while your parents weren't home, thankfully you were an only child.

Snapping yourself back into reality you realized you had made it to your house waving by Darcy you stepped in quietly. Your momma didn’t usually get home from work until the early mornings leaving a few minutes before you came home from school. And your dad was on his usual business trip he had said he went to New York in a letter he sent a few days ago.

Night had hit unexpectedly as you were deep in your studies with books sprawled around you in your upstairs bedroom. Picking up your books and placing them on your desk so you could have them ready to pick up in the morning as you rushed out the door. You sat down on your bed with a sigh looking at the clock it was around eight thirty and you decided to get ready for bed until you heard a knock on your window.

Going to the balcony you opened the doors stepping out to be met with the silence of the night. Your breath hitching as you felt two strong arms wrap around your waist from behind.

“Hi darling” The voice said softly in your ear.

“Eren you can’t keep doing that” You relaxed your muscles placing your hands over Eren’s.

Eren turned you around in a swift motion before placing his hands back on your hips.

“I know I just like seeing you jump” Eren smiled a little.

“You're an ass, you know that right?”

“Just for you” He smirked, taking your hand and leading you back into your room.

He sat on your bed pulling you next to him after you closed the balcony doors and the curtains so no one could see you with each other. Getting caught was your worst fear, of course things would be bad for the both of you but more so you getting caught was worse than Eren. You had only seen each other during the night as it was easier for him to sneak out and come over since your mom was at work and your dad across the country.

“So I aced that math test you helped me study for” Eren said, turning to you and bringing out a paper with a huge A+ on the front.

“I'm so proud of you baby you did so well” You cheered for him putting your hands on his cheeks.

“R-really?” Eren said softly with red cheeks.

Eren’s family didn’t give two shits about his school life; they just wanted to marry him off to another rich white woman and have kids with her just to keep the family business running. No matter how hard he tried to show his parents that he wanted to graduate high school and become an engineer they denied it.

“Of course I am Ren” Smiling you caressed his cheeks pulling him in for a sweet kiss.

Eren dropped the paper bringing his hands to your waist as your arms settled on his shoulders connecting at the nape of his neck.

“You're so beautiful” Eren groaned, leaning down to attack your neck in kisses.

“Eren” You whined as he continued to trail them down your neck.

“Yeah baby” He continued to kiss your neck as one of his hands came up to squeeze the flesh of your chest.

“I want you” You breathed out as he pulled back from the crook of your neck with wide eyes.

“Are you sure?”

You nodded your head and pulled him in for another kiss, this one rougher than the other.

An hour later you were in your bed covered in a sheet of sweat and the covers of your bed as your chest rose and fell. Eren next to you in the same position as you snuggled into his side stroking his chest with the tips of your fingers.

Never in a million years would you imagine lying naked in a bed next to someone of the race that was supposed to hate you. You felt so lucky to have Eren at your side just hoping that one day you could reveal your relationship to the world without being in so much fear.

Your eyes fell heavy as you felt Eren’s lips pressed to your forehead and felt sleep take you over.

“What in gods name is going on here!”

Your body jolted up along with Erens as you held the covers to your chest only to be met with the eyes of your angry mother.

“Mom I-” You tried to explain but she was already beginning to yell again.

“What the hell is a white man doing in your bed matter a fact what the hell is he doing in my goddamn house?!”

You looked to the side to see Eren with the same wide eyes as yours as he looked at your mother who had obviously gotten off work earlier than you expected.

“Um I'm-” Eren forced himself to say he would be lying if he wasn’t scared out of his mind right now.

“I don’t care who you are get the hell out before I call the police” Your mom tried to calm her nerves as she gritted her teeth.

Eren hurriedly pulled on his clothes even putting on his socks backwards in the process. Even though he was scared shitless he still managed to give you a peck on the lips before going to your balcony and disappearing into the night.

Moments after your mother didn't say anything to you she just shook her head and slammed your door shut after leaving. When she left you felt tears stream down your face like hot springs thinking this would be the last time you'd see Eren you sunk back into your bed.

Your eyes almost closed until you heard your balcony window being opened again as Eren stepped through your eyes widened. Sitting up Eren looked around the room for your mother and seeing that she wasn’t there he came and sat on the edge of your bed.

“I thought you left for good?” You smiled through tears caressing his cheek just like earlier.

“I would never leave you darling” Eren kissed your lips but this time he kissed them with passion and with love like no one was watching.

“You promise?” You spoke through tears.

“I promise”

#eren x you #eren jaeger #eren x black reader #snk fanfiction #eren fanfiction #eren fucking jaeger #eren yeager fanfiction #eren x y/n #eren headcanons #aot #attack on titan x reader #eren yeager x reader #eren jäger #eren jeager #eren x reader #eren fluff #eren yeager

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innuendostudios · 3 years ago

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Thoughts on: Criterion's Neo-Noir Collection

I have written up all 26 films* in the Criterion Channel's Neo-Noir Collection.

Legend: rw - rewatch; a movie I had seen before going through the collection dnrw - did not rewatch; if a movie met two criteria (a. I had seen it within the last 18 months, b. I actively dislike it) I wrote it up from memory.

* in September, Brick leaves the Criterion Channel and is replaced in the collection with Michael Mann's Thief. May add it to the list when that happens.

Note: These are very "what was on my mind after watching." No effort has been made to avoid spoilers, nor to make the plot clear for anyone who hasn't seen the movies in question. Decide for yourself if that's interesting to you.

Cotton Comes to Harlem I feel utterly unequipped to asses this movie. This and Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song the following year are regularly cited as the progenitors of the blaxploitation genre. (This is arguably unfair, since both were made by Black men and dealt much more substantively with race than the white-directed films that followed them.) Its heroes are a couple of Black cops who are treated with suspicion both by their white colleagues and by the Black community they're meant to police. I'm not 100% clear on whether they're the good guys? I mean, I think they are. But the community's suspicion of them seems, I dunno... well-founded? They are working for The Man. And there's interesting discussion to the had there - is the the problem that the law is carried out by racists, or is the law itself racist? Can Black cops make anything better? But it feels like the film stacks the deck in Gravedigger and Coffin Ed's favor; the local Black church is run by a conman, the Back-to-Africa movement is, itself, a con, and the local Black Power movement is treated as an obstacle. Black cops really are the only force for justice here. Movie portrays Harlem itself as a warm, thriving, cultured community, but the people that make up that community are disloyal and easily fooled. Felt, to me, like the message was "just because they're cops doesn't mean they don't have Black soul," which, nowadays, we would call copaganda. But, then, do I know what I'm talking about? Do I know how much this played into or off of or against stereotypes from 1970? Was this a radical departure I don't have the context to appreciate? Is there substance I'm too white and too many decades removed to pick up on? Am I wildly overthinking this? I dunno. Seems like everyone involved was having a lot of fun, at least. That bit is contagious.

Across 110th Street And here's the other side of the "race film" equation. Another movie set in Harlem with a Black cop pulled between the police, the criminals, and the public, but this time the film is made by white people. I like it both more and less. Pro: this time the difficult position of Black cop who's treated with suspicion by both white cops and Black Harlemites is interrogated. Con: the Black cop has basically no personality other than "honest cop." Pro: the racism of the police force is explicit and systemic, as opposed to comically ineffectual. Con: the movie is shaped around a racist white cop who beats the shit out of Black people but slowly forms a bond with his Black partner. Pro: the Black criminal at the heart of the movie talks openly about how the white world has stacked the deck against him, and he's soulful and relateable. Con: so of course he dies in the end, because the only way privileged people know to sympathetize with minorities is to make them tragic (see also: The Boys in the Band, Philadelphia, and Brokeback Mountain for gay men). Additional con: this time Harlem is portrayed as a hellhole. Barely any of the community is even seen. At least the shot at the end, where the criminal realizes he's going to die and throws the bag of money off a roof and into a playground so the Black kids can pick it up before the cops reclaim it was powerful. But overall... yech. Cotton Comes to Harlem felt like it wasn't for me; this feels like it was 100% for me and I respect it less for that.

The Long Goodbye (rw) The shaggiest dog. Like much Altman, more compelling than good, but very compelling. Raymond Chandler's story is now set in the 1970's, but Philip Marlowe is the same Philip Marlowe of the 1930's. I get the sense there was always something inherently sad about Marlowe. Classic noir always portrayed its detectives as strong-willed men living on the border between the straightlaced world and its seedy underbelly, crossing back and forth freely but belonging to neither. But Chandler stresses the loneliness of it - or, at least, the people who've adapted Chandler do. Marlowe is a decent man in an indecent world, sorting things out, refusing to profit from misery, but unable to set anything truly right. Being a man out of step is here literalized by putting him forty years from the era where he belongs. His hardboiled internal monologue is now the incessant mutterings of the weird guy across the street who never stops smoking. Like I said: compelling! Kael's observation was spot on: everyone in the movie knows more about the mystery than he does, but he's the only one who cares. The mystery is pretty threadbare - Marlowe doesn't detect so much as end up in places and have people explain things to him. But I've seen it two or three times now, and it does linger.

Chinatown (rw) I confess I've always been impressed by Chinatown more than I've liked it. Its story structure is impeccable, its atmosphere is gorgeous, its noirish fatalism is raw and real, its deconstruction of the noir hero is well-observed, and it's full of clever detective tricks (the pocket watches, the tail light, the ruler). I've just never connected with it. Maybe it's a little too perfectly crafted. (I feel similar about Miller's Crossing.) And I've always been ambivalent about the ending. In Towne's original ending, Evelyn shoots Noah Cross dead and get arrested, and neither she nor Jake can tell the truth of why she did it, so she goes to jail for murder and her daughter is in the wind. Polansky proposed the ending that exists now, where Evelyn just dies, Cross wins, and Jake walks away devastated. It communicates the same thing: Jake's attempt to get smart and play all the sides off each other instead of just helping Evelyn escape blows up in his face at the expense of the woman he cares about and any sense of real justice. And it does this more dramatically and efficiently than Towne's original ending. But it also treats Evelyn as narratively disposable, and hands the daughter over to the man who raped Evelyn and murdered her husband. It makes the women suffer more to punch up the ending. But can I honestly say that Towne's ending is the better one? It is thematically equal, dramatically inferior, but would distract me less. Not sure what the calculus comes out to there. Maybe there should be a third option. Anyway! A perfect little contraption. Belongs under a glass dome.

Night Moves (rw) Ah yeah, the good shit. This is my quintessential 70's noir. This is three movies in a row about detectives. Thing is, the classic era wasn't as chockablock with hardboiled detectives as we think; most of those movies starred criminals, cops, and boring dudes seduced to the darkness by a pair of legs. Gumshoes just left the strongest impressions. (The genre is said to begin with Maltese Falcon and end with Touch of Evil, after all.) So when the post-Code 70's decided to pick the genre back up while picking it apart, it makes sense that they went for the 'tecs first. The Long Goodbye dragged the 30's detective into the 70's, and Chinatown went back to the 30's with a 70's sensibility. But Night Moves was about detecting in the Watergate era, and how that changed the archetype. Harry Moseby is the detective so obsessed with finding the truth that he might just ruin his life looking for it, like the straight story will somehow fix everything that's broken, like it'll bring back a murdered teenager and repair his marriage and give him a reason to forgive the woman who fucked him just to distract him from some smuggling. When he's got time to kill, he takes out a little, magnetic chess set and recreates a famous old game, where three knight moves (get it?) would have led to a beautiful checkmate had the player just seen it. He keeps going, self-destructing, because he can't stand the idea that the perfect move is there if he can just find it. And, no matter how much we see it destroy him, we, the audience, want him to keep going; we expect a satisfying resolution to the mystery. That's what we need from a detective picture; one character flat-out compares Harry to Sam Spade. But what if the truth is just... Watergate? Just some prick ruining things for selfish reasons? Nothing grand, nothing satisfying. Nothing could be more noir, or more neo-, than that.

Farewell, My Lovely Sometimes the only thing that makes a noir neo- is that it's in color and all the blood, tits, and racism from the books they're based on get put back in. This second stab at Chandler is competant but not much more than that. Mitchum works as Philip Marlowe, but Chandler's dialogue feels off here, like lines that worked on the page don't work aloud, even though they did when Bogie said them. I'll chalk it up to workmanlike but uninspired direction. (Dang this looks bland so soon after Chinatown.) Moose Malloy is a great character, and perfectly cast. (Wasn't sure at first, but it's true.) Some other interesting cats show up and vanish - the tough brothel madam based on Brenda Allen comes to mind, though she's treated with oddly more disdain than most of the other hoods and is dispatched quicker. In general, the more overt racism and misogyny doesn't seem to do anything except make the movie "edgier" than earlier attempts at the same material, and it reads kinda try-hard. But it mostly holds together. *shrug*

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (dnrw) Didn't care for this at all. Can't tell if the script was treated as a jumping-off point or if the dialogue is 100% improvised, but it just drags on forever and is never that interesting. Keeps treating us to scenes from the strip club like they're the opera scenes in Amadeus, and, whatever, I don't expect burlesque to be Mozart, but Cosmo keeps saying they're an artful, classy joint, and I keep waiting for the show to be more than cheap, lazy camp. How do you make gratuitious nudity boring? Mind you, none of this is bad as a rule - I love digressions and can enjoy good sleaze, and it's clear the filmmakers care about what they're making. They just did not sell it in a way I wanted to buy. Can't remember what edit I watched; I hope it was the 135 minute one, because I cannot imagine there being a longer edit out there.

The American Friend (dnrw) It's weird that this is Patricia Highsmith, right? That Dennis Hopper is playing Tom Ripley? In a cowboy hat? I gather that Minghella's version wasn't true to the source, but I do love that movie, and this is a long, long way from that. This Mr. Ripley isn't even particularly talented! Anyway, this has one really great sequence, where a regular guy has been coerced by crooks into murdering someone on a train platform, and, when the moment comes to shoot, he doesn't. And what follows is a prolonged sequence of an amateur trying to surreptitiously tail a guy across a train station and onto another train, and all the while you're not sure... is he going to do it? is he going to chicken out? is he going to do it so badly he gets caught? It's hard not to put yourself in the protagonist's shoes, wondering how you would handle the situation, whether you could do it, whether you could act on impulse before your conscience could catch up with you. It drags on a long while and this time it's a good thing. Didn't much like the rest of the movie, it's shapeless and often kind of corny, and the central plot hook is contrived. (It's also very weird that this is the only Wim Wenders I've seen.) But, hey, I got one excellent sequence, not gonna complain.

The Big Sleep Unlike the 1946 film, I can follow the plot of this Big Sleep. But, also unlike the 1946 version, this one isn't any damn fun. Mitchum is back as Marlowe (this is three Marlowes in five years, btw), and this time it's set in the 70's and in England, for some reason. I don't find this offensive, but neither do I see what it accomplishes? Most of the cast is still American. (Hi Jimmy!) Still holds together, but even less well than Farewell, My Lovely. But I do find it interesting that the neo-noir era keeps returning to Chandler while it's pretty much left Hammet behind (inasmuch as someone whose genes are spread wide through the whole genre can be left behind). Spade and the Continental Op, straightshooting tough guys who come out on top in the end, seem antiquated in the (post-)modern era. But Marlowe's goodness being out of sync with the world around him only seems more poignant the further you take him from his own time. Nowadays you can really only do Hammett as pastiche, but I sense that you could still play Chandler straight.

Eyes of Laura Mars The most De Palma movie I've seen not made by De Palma, complete with POV shots, paranormal hoodoo, and fixation with sex, death, and whether images of such are art or exploitation (or both). Laura Mars takes photographs of naked women in violent tableux, and has gotten quite famous doing so, but is it damaging to women? The movie has more than a superficial engagement with this topic, but only slightly more than superficial. Kept imagining a movie that is about 30% less serial killer story and 30% more art conversations. (But, then, I have an art degree and have never murdered anyone, so.) Like, museums are full of Biblical paintings full of nude women and slaughter, sometimes both at once, and they're called masterpieces. Most all of them were painted by men on commission from other men. Now Laura Mars makes similar images in modern trappings, and has models made of flesh and blood rather than paint, and it's scandalous? Why is it only controversial once women are getting paid for it? On the other hand, is this just the master's tools? Is she subverting or challenging the male gaze, or just profiting off of it? Or is a woman profiting off of it, itself, a subversion? Is it subversive enough to account for how it commodifies female bodies? These questions are pretty clearly relevant to the movie itself, and the movies in general, especially after the fall of the Hays Code when people were really unrestrained with the blood and boobies. And, heck, the lead is played by the star of Bonnie and Clyde! All this is to say: I wish the movie were as interested in these questions as I am. What's there is a mildly diverting B-picture. There's one great bit where Laura's seeing through the killer's eyes (that's the hook, she gets visions from the murderer's POV; no, this is never explained) and he's RIGHT BEHIND HER, so there's a chase where she charges across an empty room only able to see her own fleeing self from ten feet behind. That was pretty great! And her first kiss with the detective (because you could see a mile away that the detective and the woman he's supposed to protect are gonna fall in love) is immediately followed by the two freaking out about how nonsensical it is for them to fall in love with each other, because she's literally mourning multiple deaths and he's being wildly unprofessional, and then they go back to making out. That bit was great, too. The rest... enh.

The Onion Field What starts off as a seemingly not-that-noirish cops-vs-crooks procedural turns into an agonizingly protracted look at the legal system, with the ultimate argument that the very idea of the law ever resulting in justice is a lie. Hoo! I have to say, I'm impressed. There's a scene where a lawyer - whom I'm not sure is even named, he's like the seventh of thirteen we've met - literally quits the law over how long this court case about two guys shooting a cop has taken. He says the cop who was murdered has been forgotten, his partner has never gotten to move on because the case has lasted eight years, nothing has been accomplished, and they should let the two criminals walk and jail all the judges and lawyers instead. It's awesome! The script is loaded with digressions and unnecessary details, just the way I like it. Can't say I'm impressed with the execution. Nothing is wrong, exactly, but the performances all seem a tad melodramatic or a tad uninspired. Camerawork is, again, purely functional. It's no masterpiece. But that second half worked for me. (And it's Ted Danson's first movie! He did great.)

Body Heat (rw) Let's say up front that this is a handsomely-made movie. Probably the best looking thing on the list since Night Moves. Nothing I've seen better captures the swelter of an East Coast heatwave, or the lusty feeling of being too hot to bang and going at it regardless. Kathleen Turner sells the hell out of a femme fatale. There are a lot of good lines and good performances (Ted Danson is back and having the time of his life). I want to get all that out of the way, because this is a movie heavily modeled after Double Indemnity, and I wanted to discuss its merits before I get into why inviting that comparison doesn't help the movie out. In a lot of ways, it's the same rules as the Robert Mitchum Marlowe movies - do Double Indemnity but amp up the sex and violence. And, to a degree it works. (At least, the sex does, dunno that Double Indemnity was crying out for explosions.) But the plot is amped as well, and gets downright silly. Yeah, Mrs. Dietrichson seduces Walter Neff so he'll off her husband, but Neff clocks that pretty early and goes along with it anyway. Everything beyond that is two people keeping too big a secret and slowly turning on each other. But here? For the twists to work Matty has to be, from frame one, playing four-dimensional chess on the order of Senator Palpatine, and its about as plausible. (Exactly how did she know, after she rebuffed Ned, he would figure out her local bar and go looking for her at the exact hour she was there?) It's already kind of weird to be using the spider woman trope in 1981, but to make her MORE sexually conniving and mercenary than she was in the 40's is... not great. As lurid trash, it's pretty fun for a while, but some noir stuff can't just be updated, it needs to be subverted or it doesn't justify its existence.

Blow Out Brian De Palma has two categories of movie: he's got his mainstream, director-for-hire fare, where his voice is either reigned in or indulged in isolated sequences that don't always jive with the rest fo the film, and then there's his Brian De Palma movies. My mistake, it seems, is having seen several for-hires from throughout his career - The Untouchables (fine enough), Carlito's Way (ditto, but less), Mission: Impossible (enh) - but had only seen De Palma-ass movies from his late period (Femme Fatale and The Black Dahlia, both of which I think are garbage). All this to say: Blow Out was my first classic-era De Palma, and holy fucking shit dudes. This was (with caveats) my absolute and entire jam. I said I could enjoy good sleaze, and this is good friggin' sleaze. (Though far short of De Palma at his sleaziest, mercifully.) The splitscreens, the diopter shots, the canted angles, how does he make so many shlocky things work?! John Travolta's sound tech goes out to get fresh wind fx for the movie he's working on, and we get this wonderful sequence of visuals following sounds as he turns his attention and his microphone to various noises - a couple on a walk, a frog, an owl, a buzzing street lamp. Later, as he listens back to the footage, the same sequence plays again, but this time from his POV; we're seeing his memory as guided by the same sequence of sounds, now recreated with different shots, as he moves his pencil in the air mimicking the microphone. When he mixes and edits sounds, we hear the literal soundtrack of the movie we are watching get mixed and edited by the person on screen. And as he tries to unravel a murder mystery, he uses what's at hand: magnetic tape, flatbed editors, an animation camera to turn still photos from the crime scene into a film and sync it with the audio he recorded; it's forensics using only the tools of the editing room. As someone who's spent some time in college editing rooms, this is a hoot and a half. Loses a bit of steam as it goes on and the film nerd stuff gives way to a more traditional thriller, but rallies for a sound-tech-centered final setpiece, which steadily builds to such madcap heights you can feel the air thinning, before oddly cutting its own tension and then trying to build it back up again. It doesn't work as well the second time. But then, that shot right after the climax? Damn. Conflicted on how the movie treats the female lead. I get why feminist film theorists are so divided on De Palma. His stuff is full of things feminists (rightly) criticize, full of women getting naked when they're not getting stabbed, but he also clearly finds women fascinating and has them do empowered and unexpected things, and there are many feminist reads of his movies. Call it a mixed bag. But even when he's doing tropey shit, he explores the tropes in unexpected ways. Definitely the best movie so far that I hadn't already seen.

Cutter's Way (rw) Alex Cutter is pitched to us as an obnoxious-but-sympathetic son of a bitch, and, you know, two out of three ain't bad. Watched this during my 2020 neo-noir kick and considered skipping it this time because I really didn't enjoy it. Found it a little more compelling this go around, while being reminded of why my feelings were room temp before. Thematically, I'm onboard: it's about a guy, Cutter, getting it in his head that he's found a murderer and needs to bring him to justice, and his friend, Bone, who intermittently helps him because he feels bad that Cutter lost his arm, leg, and eye in Nam and he also feels guilty for being in love with Cutter's wife. The question of whether the guy they're trying to bring down actually did it is intentionally undefined, and arguably unimportant; they've got personal reasons to see this through. Postmodern and noirish, fixated with the inability to ever fully know the truth of anything, but starring people so broken by society that they're desperate for certainty. (Pretty obvious parallels to Vietnam.) Cutter's a drunk and kind of an asshole, but understandably so. Bone's shiftlessness is the other response to a lack of meaning in the world, to the point where making a decision, any decision, feels like character growth, even if it's maybe killing a guy whose guilt is entirely theoretical. So, yeah, I'm down with all of this! A- in outline form. It's just that Cutter is so uninterestingly unpleasant and no one else on screen is compelling enough to make up for it. His drunken windups are tedious and his sanctimonious speeches about what the war was like are, well, true and accurate but also obviously manipulative. It's two hours with two miserable people, and I think Cutter's constant chatter is supposed to be the comic relief but it's a little too accurate to drunken rambling, which isn't funny if you're not also drunk. He's just tedious, irritating, and periodically racist. Pass.

Blood Simple (rw) I'm pretty cool on the Coens - there are things I've liked, even loved, in every Coen film I've seen, but I always come away dissatisfied. For a while, I kept going to their movies because I was sure eventually I'd love one without qualification. No Country for Old Men came close, the first two acts being master classes in sustained tension. But then the third act is all about denying closure: the protagonist is murdered offscreen, the villain's motives are never explained, and it ends with an existentialist speech about the unfathomable cruelty of the world. And it just doesn't land for me. The archness of the Coen's dialogue, the fussiness of their set design, the kinda-intimate, kinda-awkward, kinda-funny closeness of the camera's singles, it cannot sell me on a devastating meditation about meaninglessness. It's only ever sold me on the Coens' own cleverness. And that archness, that distancing, has typified every one of their movies I've come close to loving. Which is a long-ass preamble to saying, holy heck, I was not prepared for their very first movie to be the one I'd been looking for! I watched it last year and it remains true on rewatch: Blood Simple works like gangbusters. It's kind of Double Indemnity (again) but played as a comedy of errors, minus the comedy: two people romantically involved feeling their trust unravel after a murder. And I think the first thing that works for me is that utter lack of comedy. It's loaded with the Coens' trademark ironies - mostly dramatic in this case - but it's all played straight. Unlike the usual lead/femme fatale relationship, where distrust brews as the movie goes on, the audience knows the two main characters can trust each other. There are no secret duplicitous motives waiting to be revealed. The audience also know why they don't trust each other. (And it's all communicated wordlessly, btw: a character enters a scene and we know, based on the information that character has, how it looks to them and what suspicions it would arouse, even as we know the truth of it). The second thing that works is, weirdly, that the characters aren't very interesting?! Ray and Abby have almost no characterization. Outside of a general likability, they are blank slates. This is a weakness in most films, but, given the agonizingly long, wordless sequences where they dispose of bodies or hide from gunfire, you're left thinking not "what will Ray/Abby do in this scenario," because Ray and Abby are relatively elemental and undefined, but "what would I do in this scenario?" Which creates an exquisite tension but also, weirdly, creates more empathy than I feel for the Coens' usual cast of personalities. It's supposed to work the other way around! Truly enjoyable throughout but absolutely wonderful in the suspenseful-as-hell climax. Good shit right here.

Body Double The thing about erotic thrillers is everything that matters is in the name. Is it thrilling? Is it erotic? Good; all else is secondary. De Palma set out to make the most lurid, voyeuristic, horny, violent, shocking, steamy movie he could come up with, and its success was not strictly dependent on the lead's acting ability or the verisimilitude of the plot. But what are we, the modern audience, to make of it once 37 years have passed and, by today's standards, the eroticism is quite tame and the twists are no longer shocking? Then we're left with a nonsensical riff on Vertigo, a specularization of women that is very hard to justify, and lead actor made of pulped wood. De Palma's obsessions don't cohere into anything more this time; the bits stolen from Hitchcock aren't repurposed to new ends, it really is just Hitch with more tits and less brains. (I mean, I still haven't seen Vertigo, but I feel 100% confident in that statement.) The diopter shots and rear-projections this time look cheap (literally so, apparently; this had 1/3 the budget of Blow Out). There are some mildly interesting setpieces, but nothing compared to Travolta's auditory reconstructions or car chase where he tries to tail a subway train from street level even if it means driving through a frickin parade like an inverted French Connection, goddamn Blow Out was a good movie! Anyway. Melanie Griffith seems to be having fun, at least. I guess I had a little as well, but it was, at best, diverting, and a real letdown.

The Hit Surprised by how much I enjoyed this one. Terrance Stamp flips on the mob and spends ten years living a life of ease in Spain, waiting for the day they find and kill him. Movie kicks off when they do find him, and what follows is a ramshackle road movie as John Hurt and a young Tim Roth attempt to drive him to Paris so they can shoot him in front of his old boss. Stamp is magnetic. He's spent a decade reading philosophy and seems utterly prepared for death, so he spends the trip humming, philosophizing, and being friendly with his captors when he's not winding them up. It remains unclear to the end whether the discord he sews between Roth and Hurt is part of some larger plan of escape or just for shits and giggles. There's also a decent amount of plot for a movie that's not terribly plot-driven - just about every part of the kidnapping has tiny hitches the kidnappers aren't prepared for, and each has film-long repercussions, drawing the cops closer and somehow sticking Laura del Sol in their backseat. The ongoing questions are when Stamp will die, whether del Sol will die, and whether Roth will be able to pull the trigger. In the end, it's actually a meditation on ethics and mortality, but in a quiet and often funny way. It's not going to go down as one of my new favs, but it was a nice way to spend a couple hours.

Trouble in Mind (dnrw) I fucking hated this movie. It's been many months since I watched it, do I remember what I hated most? Was it the bit where a couple of country bumpkins who've come to the city walk into a diner and Mr. Bumpkin clocks that the one Black guy in the back as obviously a criminal despite never having seen him before? Was it the part where Kris Kristofferson won't stop hounding Mrs. Bumpkin no matter how many times she demands to be left alone, and it's played as romantic because obviously he knows what she needs better than she does? Or is it the part where Mr. Bumpkin reluctantly takes a job from the Obvious Criminal (who is, in fact, a criminal, and the only named Black character in the movie if I remember correctly, draw your own conclusions) and, within a week, has become a full-blown hood, which is exemplified by a lot, like, a lot of queer-coding? The answer to all three questions is yes. It's also fucking boring. Even out-of-drag Divine's performance as the villain can't save it.

Manhunter 'sfine? I've still never seen Silence of the Lambs, nor any of the Hopkins Lecter movies, nor, indeed, any full episode of the show. So the unheimlich others get seeing Brian Cox play Hannibal didn't come into play. Cox does a good job with him, but he's barely there. Shame, cuz he's the most interesting part of the movie. Honestly, there's a lot of interesting stuff that's barely there. Will Graham being a guy who gets into the heads of serial killers is explored well enough, and Mann knows how to direct a police procedural such that it's both contemplative and propulsive. But all the other themes it points at? Will's fear that he understands murderers a little too well? Hannibal trying to nudge him towards becoming one? Whatever dance Hannibal and Tooth Fairy are doing? What Tooth Fairy's deal is, anyway? (Why does he wear fake teeth and bite things? Why is he fixated on the red dragon? Does the bit where he says "Francis is gone forever" mean he has DID?) None of it goes anywhere or amounts to anything. I mean, it's certainly more interesting with this stuff than without, but it has that feel of a book that's been pared of its interesting bits to fit the runtime (or, alternately, pulp that's been sloppily elevated). I still haven't made my mind up on Mann's cold, precise camera work, but at least it gives me something to look at. It's fine! This is fine.

Mona Lisa (rw) Gave this one another shot. Bob Hoskins is wonderful as a hood out of his depth in classy places, quick to anger but just as quick to let anger go (the opening sequence where he's screaming on his ex-wife's doorstep, hurling trash cans at her house, and one minute later thrilled to see his old car, is pretty nice). And Cathy Tyson's working girl is a subtler kind of fascinating, exuding a mixture of coldness and kindness. It's just... this is ultimately a story about how heartbreaking it is when the girl you like is gay, right? It's Weezer's Pink Triangle: The Movie. It's not homophobic, exactly - Simone isn't demonized for being a lesbian - but it's still, like, "man, this straight white guy's pain is so much more interesting than the Black queer sex worker's." And when he's yelling "you woulda done it!" at the end, I can't tell if we're supposed to agree with him. Seems pretty clear that she wouldn'ta done it, at least not without there being some reveal about her character that doesn't happen, but I don't think the ending works if we don't agree with him, so... I'm like 70% sure the movie does Simone dirty there. For the first half, their growing relationship feels genuine and natural, and, honestly, the story being about a real bond that unfortunately means different things to each party could work if it didn't end with a gun and a sock in the jaw. Shape feels jagged as well; what feels like the end of the second act or so turns out to be the climax. And some of the symbolism is... well, ok, Simone gives George money to buy more appropriate clothes for hanging out in high end hotels, and he gets a tan leather jacket and a Hawaiian shirt, and their first proper bonding moment is when she takes him out for actual clothes. For the rest of the movie he is rocking double-breasted suits (not sure I agree with the striped tie, but it was the eighties, whaddya gonna do?). Then, in the second half, she sends him off looking for her old streetwalker friend, and now he looks completely out of place in the strip clubs and bordellos. So far so good. But then they have this run-in where her old pimp pulls a knife and cuts George's arm, so, with his nice shirt torn and it not safe going home (I guess?) he starts wearing the Hawaiian shirt again. So around the time he's starting to realize he doesn't really belong in Simone's world or the lowlife world he came from anymore, he's running around with the classy double-breasted suit jacket over the garish Hawaiian shirt, and, yeah, bit on the nose guys. Anyway, it has good bits, I just feel like a movie that asks me to feel for the guy punching a gay, Black woman in the face needs to work harder to earn it. Bit of wasted talent.

The Bedroom Window Starts well. Man starts an affair with his boss' wife, their first night together she witnesses an attempted murder from his window, she worries going to the police will reveal the affair to her husband, so the man reports her testimony to the cops claiming he's the one who saw it. Young Isabelle Huppert is the perfect woman for a guy to risk his career on a crush over, and Young Steve Guttenberg is the perfect balance of affability and amorality. And it flows great - picks just the right media to res. So then he's talking to the cops, telling them what she told him, and they ask questions he forgot to ask her - was the perp's jacket a blazer or a windbreaker? - and he has to guess. Then he gets called into the police lineup, and one guy matches her description really well, but is it just because he's wearing his red hair the way she described it? He can't be sure, doesn't finger any of them. He finds out the cops were pretty certain about one of the guys, so he follows the one he thinks it was around, looking for more evidence, and another girl is attacked right outside a bar he knows the redhead was at. Now he's certain! But he shows the boss' wife the guy and she's not certain, and she reminds him they don't even know if the guy he followed is the same guy the police suspected! And as he feeds more evidence to the cops, he has to lie more, because he can't exactly say he was tailing the guy around the city. So, I'm all in now. Maybe it's because I'd so recently rewatched Night Moves and Cutter's Way, but this seems like another story about uncertainty. He's really certain about the guy because it fits narratively, and we, the audience, feel the same. But he's not actually a witness, he doesn't have actual evidence, he's fitting bits and pieces together like a conspiracy theorist. He's fixating on what he wants to be true. Sign me up! But then it turns out he's 100% correct about who the killer is but his lies are found out and now the cops think he's the killer and I realize, oh, no, this movie isn't nearly as smart as I thought it was. Egg on my face! What transpires for the remaining half of the runtime is goofy as hell, and someone with shlockier sensibilities could have made a meal of it, but Hanson, despite being a Corman protege, takes this silliness seriously in the all wrong ways. Next!

Homicide (rw? I think I saw most of this on TV one time) Homicide centers around the conflicted loyalties of a Jewish cop. It opens with the Jewish cop and his white gentile partner taking over a case with a Black perp from some Black FBI agents. The media is making a big thing about the racial implications of the mostly white cops chasing down a Black man in a Black neighborhood. And inside of 15 minutes the FBI agent is calling the lead a k*ke and the gentile cop is calling the FBI agent a f****t and there's all kinds of invective for Black people. The film is announcing its intentions out the gate: this movie is about race. But the issue here is David Mamet doesn't care about race as anything other than a dramatic device. He's the Ubisoft of filmmakers, having no coherent perspective on social issues but expecting accolades for even bringing them up. Mamet is Jewish (though lead actor Joe Mantegna definitely is not) but what is his position on the Jewish diaspora? The whole deal is Mantegna gets stuck with a petty homicide case instead of the big one they just pinched from the Feds, where a Jewish candy shop owner gets shot in what looks like a stickup. Her family tries to appeal to his Jewishness to get him to take the case seriously, and, after giving them the brush-off for a long time, finally starts following through out of guilt, finding bits and pieces of what may or may not be a conspiracy, with Zionist gun runners and underground neo-Nazis. But, again: all of these are just dramatic devices. Mantegna's Jewishness (those words will never not sound ridiculous together) has always been a liability for him as a cop (we are told, not shown), and taking the case seriously is a reclamation of identity. The Jews he finds community with sold tommyguns to revolutionaries during the founding of Israel. These Jews end up blackmailing him to get a document from the evidence room. So: what is the film's position on placing stock in one's Jewish identity? What is its position on Israel? What is its opinion on Palestine? Because all three come up! And the answer is: Mamet doesn't care. You can read it a lot of different ways. Someone with more context and more patience than me could probably deduce what the de facto message is, the way Chris Franklin deduced the de facto message of Far Cry V despite the game's efforts not to have one, but I'm not going to. Mantegna's attempt to reconnect with his Jewishness gets his partner killed, gets the guy he was supposed to bring in alive shot dead, gets him possibly permanent injuries, gets him on camera blowing up a store that's a front for white nationalists, and all for nothing because the "clues" he found (pretty much exclusively by coincidence) were unconnected nothings. The problem is either his Jewishness, or his lifelong failure to connect with his Jewishness until late in life. Mamet doesn't give a shit. (Like, Mamet canonically doesn't give a shit: he is on record saying social context is meaningless, characters only exist to serve the plot, and there are no deeper meanings in fiction.) Mamet's ping-pong dialogue is fun, as always, and there are some neat ideas and characters, but it's all in service of a big nothing that needed to be a something to work.

Swoon So much I could talk about, let's keep it to the most interesting bits. Hommes Fatales: a thing about classic noir that it was fascinated by the marginal but had to keep it in the margins. Liberated women, queer-coded killers, Black jazz players, broke thieves; they were the main event, they were what audiences wanted to see, they were what made the movies fun. But the ending always had to reassert straightlaced straight, white, middle-class male society as unshakeable. White supremacist capitalist patriarchy demanded, both ideologically and via the Hays Code, that anyone outside these norms be punished, reformed, or dead by the movie's end. The only way to make them the heroes was to play their deaths for tragedy. It is unsurprising that neo-noir would take the queer-coded villains and make them the protagonists. Implicature: This is the story of Leopold and Loeb, murderers famous for being queer, and what's interesting is how the queerness in the first half exists entirely outside of language. Like, it's kind of amazing for a movie from 1992 to be this gay - we watch Nathan and Dickie kiss, undress, masturbate, fuck; hell, they wear wedding rings when they're alone together. But it's never verbalized. Sex is referred to as "your reward" or "what you wanted" or "best time." Dickie says he's going to have "the girls over," and it turns out "the girls" are a bunch of drag queens, but this is never acknowledged. Nathan at one point lists off a bunch of famous men - Oscar Wild, E.M. Forster, Frederick the Great - but, though the commonality between them is obvious (they were all gay), it's left the the audience to recognize it. When their queerness is finally verbalized in the second half, it's first in the language of pathology - a psychiatrist describing their "perversions" and "misuse" of their "organs" before the court, which has to be cleared of women because it's so inappropriate - and then with slurs from the man who murders Dickie in jail (a murder which is written off with no investigation because the victim is a gay prisoner instead of a L&L's victim, a child of a wealthy family). I don't know if I'd have noticed this if I hadn't read Chip Delany describing his experience as a gay man in the 50's existing almost entirely outside of language, the only language at the time being that of heteronormativity. Murder as Love Story: L&L exchange sex as payment for the other commiting crimes; it's foreplay. Their statements to the police where they disagree over who's to blame is a lover's quarrel. Their sentencing is a marriage. Nathan performs his own funeral rites over Dickie's body after he dies on the operating table. They are, in their way, together til death did they part. This is the relationship they can have. That it does all this without romanticizing the murder itself or valorizing L&L as humans is frankly incredible.

Suture (rw) The pitch: at the funeral for his father, wealthy Vincent Towers meets his long lost half brother Clay Arlington. It is implied Clay is a child from out of wedlock, possibly an affair; no one knows Vincent has a half-brother but him and Clay. Vincent invites Clay out to his fancy-ass home in Arizona. Thing is, Vincent is suspected (correctly) by the police of having murdered his father, and, due to a striking family resemblence, he's brought Clay to his home to fake his own death. He finagles Clay into wearing his clothes and driving his car, and then blows the car up and flees the state, leaving the cops to think him dead. Thing is, Clay survives, but with amnesia. The doctors tell him he's Vincent, and he has no reason to disagree. Any discrepancy in the way he looks is dismissed as the result of reconstructive surgery after the explosion. So Clay Arlington resumes Vincent Towers' life, without knowing Clay Arlington even exists. The twist: Clay and Vincent are both white, but Vincent is played by Michael Harris, a white actor, and Clay is played by Dennis Haysbert, a Black actor. "Ian, if there's just the two of them, how do you know it's not Harris playing a Black character?" Glad you asked! It is most explicitly obvious during a scene where Vincent/Clay's surgeon-cum-girlfriend essentially bringing up phrenology to explain how Vincent/Clay couldn't possibly have murdered his father, describing straight hair, thin lips, and a Greco-Roman nose Haysbert very clearly doesn't have. But, let's be honest: we knew well beforehand that the rich-as-fuck asshole living in a huge, modern house and living it up in Arizona high society was white. Though Clay is, canonically, white, he lives an poor and underprivileged life common to Black men in America. Though the film's title officially refers to the many stitches holding Vincent/Clay's face together after the accident, "suture" is a film theory term, referring to the way a film audience gets wrapped up - sutured - in the world of the movie, choosing to forget the outside world and pretend the story is real. The usage is ironic, because the audience cannot be sutured in; we cannot, and are not expected to, suspend our disbelief that Clay is white. We are deliberately distanced. Consequently this is a movie to be thought about, not to to be felt. It has the shape of a Hitchcockian thriller but it can't evoke the emotions of one. You can see the scaffolding - "ah, yes, this is the part of a thriller where one man hides while another stalks him with a gun, clever." I feel ill-suited to comment on what the filmmakers are saying about race. I could venture a guess about the ending, where the psychiatrist, the only one who knows the truth about Clay, says he can never truly be happy living the lie of being Vincent Towers, while we see photographs of Clay/Vincent seemingly living an extremely happy life: society says white men simply belong at the top more than Black men do, but, if the roles could be reversed, the latter would slot in seamlessly. Maybe??? Of all the movies in this collection, this is the one I'd most want to read an essay on (followed by Swoon).

The Last Seduction (dnrw) No, no, no, I am not rewataching this piece of shit movie.

Brick (rw) Here's my weird contention: Brick is in color and in widescreen, but, besides that? There's nothing neo- about this noir. There's no swearing except "hell." (I always thought Tug said "goddamn" at one point but, no, he's calling The Pin "gothed-up.") There's a lot of discussion of sex, but always through implication, and the only deleted scene is the one that removed ambiguity about what Brendan and Laura get up to after kissing. There's nothing postmodern or subversive - yes, the hook is it's set in high school, but the big twist is that it takes this very seriously. It mines it for jokes, yes, but the drama is authentic. In fact, making the gumshoe a high school student, his jadedness an obvious front, still too young to be as hard as he tries to be, just makes the drama hit harder. Sam Spade if Sam Spade were allowed to cry. I've always found it an interesting counterpoint to The Good German, a movie that fastidiously mimics the aesthetics of classic noir - down to even using period-appropriate sound recording - but is wholly neo- in construction. Brick could get approved by the Hays Code. Its vibe, its plot about a detective playing a bunch of criminals against each other, even its slang ("bulls," "yegg," "flopped") are all taken directly from Hammett. It's not even stealing from noir, it's stealing from what noir stole from! It's a perfect curtain call for the collection: the final film is both the most contemporary and the most classic. It's also - but for the strong case you could make for Night Moves - the best movie on the list. It's even more appropriate for me, personally: this was where it all started for me and noir. I saw this in theaters when it came out and loved it. It was probably my favorite movie for some time. It gave me a taste for pulpy crime movies which I only, years later, realized were neo-noir. This is why I looked into Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and In Bruges. I've seen it more times than any film on this list, by a factor of at least 3. It's why I will always adore Rian Johnson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's the best-looking half-million-dollar movie I've ever seen. (Indie filmmakers, take fucking notes.) I even did a script analysis of this, and, yes, it follows the formula, but so tightly and with so much style. Did you notice that he says several of the sequence tensions out loud? ("I just want to find her." "Show of hands.") I notice new things each time I see it - this time it was how "brushing Brendan's hair out of his face" is Em's move, making him look more like he does in the flashback, and how Laura does the same to him as she's seducing him, in the moment when he misses Em the hardest. It isn't perfect. It's recreated noir so faithfully that the Innocent Girl dies, the Femme Fatale uses intimacy as a weapon, and none of the women ever appear in a scene together. 1940's gender politics maybe don't need to be revisited. They say be critical of the media you love, and it applies here most of all: it is a real criticism of something I love immensely.

#film noir #neo-noir #criterion channel

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ourloveisforthelovely · 4 years ago

Text

Revelation

Harry Potter Marauders Era-post Hogwarts

Summary: After James and Lily's deaths, you have to face secrets from your past. Secrets that caused a lot of pain are going to be brought back from the furthest corners of your heart. You have to learn to care for your nephew in the midst of a war that no one wants to deal with.

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M- sensitive themes

Shout out to @regulusheadcanons for some kick ass ideas

________

Home again...it should be a happy occasion but it wasn’t. You had received word from Sirius that James and Lily had been killed. Your older brother and sunny sister-in-law and best friend were gone and your sweet nephew was an orphan.

Y/n, I have Harry but I need your help. Remus and I need you and you’ll need your family in the coming days. Please come home.”

You had read the letter multiple times on the flight from the US back to the UK and felt even more guilty with each second. If you had just stayed home and didn’t run off to the state after your break up with Regulus; maybe James and Lily would still be alive.

Whether you were home or away if James and Lily were destined to die it would happen.

Remus’ words came back to you from the night before. You had spent an hour before bed last night crying to Remus over the phone. As usual, Remus was the one person that could calm you down. It could have been Regulus but he totally shot that to hell.

Regulus was still a sore subject for you...a secretive sore subject. The two of you had dated “in private” since the fifth year. You thought that the two of you were in love but Regulus wasn’t ready to “let his parents down.” Those were his words, not yours. You were under the impression that after graduation the two of you would begin a life together as Jams and Lily did. When Regulus ended the relationship because he knew that his parents wouldn’t support it. There was no way that Walburga and Orion Black would be happy with their heir dating a Potter that was in Gryffindor.

To deal with the pain of the breakup, you packed a bag and took off to America. You had left your brother and close friends in a state of confusion. They couldn’t wrap their minds around why you would just vanish in the middle of the night with literally no explanation. You played it off as some kind of “getting to know yourself” adventure and everyone seemed to believe it.

Now here you were going back home to rejoin the order that Regulus was apparently now a part of. You were trying to think of ways that you would be able to be in the same room with him and not act as if the two of you once had a passion-fueled relationship. Did you still have feelings for Regulus? Yes, you knew that there was no sense in denying it. You also knew the first time that you laid eyes on him all of those feelings would multiply...I’m screwed.

(1 hour later)

Regulus stood beside Sirius and Remus waiting for your plane to land. He had no idea what he was doing by tagging along with his brother but here he was.

You’re here because you love Y/n and are desperate to see her. You want to tell her that you were a fool for not manning up and telling mum and dad to bugger off.

Regulus thought as he tried to calm himself. The thoughts were truthful. He never should have let his family’s reputation affect his decision on how he handled the relationship that he valued the most...but he did. Now here Regulus stood a miserable lonely bastard with a brand on his left arm that he couldn’t get off.

Life sucks.

He had no family, no prospects of a successful future, and no lover. The life that Regulus knew so well had gone down the all-mighty porcelain shit hole in the course of one year. After finding out that her “heir” switched sides, Walburga banished Regulus from the family. Lucky for him, Regulus drained his Gringotts vault before his mother could leave him poor and penniless. Regulus could deal with the whole not having a successful future part. Working for the order should provide him some kind of satisfaction (eventually...maybe) The not having a lover part was the worst of all the three.

Regulus hated the way that he felt over the past year that you had been gone. He had attempted to date other girls but it always went south. There was something wrong with every girl that Regulus went out with.

This one talks too much.

This one has no personality.

This one bit me when giving me a blowjob.

None of them was the one girl that he wanted the most. Not one of the girls was the one that Regulus knew...the one that he loved.

“Hey grumpy, are you okay over there?”

Regulus looked up when Sirius spoke. Rolling his eyes, Regulus turned to face his brother with a sneer.

“He’s so charming.”

Sirius said with a smirk as he elbowed Remus in the side. Remus was used to the banter between Sirius and Regulus. It was mostly Sirius nagging Regulus and Regulus either rolling his eyes or calling Sirius a twat.

“There’s Y/n.”

Sirius quickly said before walking out into the aisle. He smiled as you finally met his gaze. You quickly threw your bag down before running to Sirius and jumping in his arms. What you didn’t see was Regulus watching the whole thing with a furiously jealous expression on his face.

Is there something that I’m missing? Of course, she likes Sirius. Why wouldn’t she? He is sooo good looking! He has such a charming attitude.

Regulus thought bitterly as Sirius held you a little longer than necessary. Were the two of you in some kind of relationship that Regulus didn’t know about and if so why hadn’t Sirius mentioned it? Regulus would go ape shit if the two of you were dating...you were his...used to be his.

What Regulus didn’t know was the hug was purely therapeutic and comforting for the both of you. Sirius needed you as much as you needed him (in a strictly platonic way). You were as good as a little sister to Sirius and seeing you after James and Lily’s death soothing. Sirius knew that you needed the support as much as he did.

Sirius didn’t want to think about the fact that Harry and yourself were the only Potter left now. His “new” family has quickly diminished before his eyes. Sirius had been so thrilled to finally have a family that loved him and now it was mostly gone. In Sirius’ mind, he had already made a personal pledge to make sure that nothing happened to you. He would make sure that both Harry and yourself were safe until the day that he died.

You let yourself slide out of Sirius’ arms as he smiled down at you. This was the first that either of you had smiled in a few days.

“Look at you. One year across the pond and you are still as adorable as when you left.”

Sirius said with a smile You rolled your eyes. This was typically Sirius Black. He always knew how to say something to make even the worst situations a bit better.

“And you always know what to say. It's good to see you...especially now.”

Sirius nodded, his face darkening. It was no secret to the two of you that the days ahead would be some of the darkest of your lives. Sirius pulled you into another hug. Pressing a kiss to the top of your head Sirius had to fight his own tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes.

“We are going to make it. We have to for Harry.”

You nodded in agreement. James and Lily made it clear that if anything should happen to them, they wanted Sirius and yourself to take care of Harry. The two of you, a couple or not, were the ones that would be the best fit to care for and love their son the most.

“We’ve got this.”

You said in agreement. Both Sirius and yourself sucked at making your true feelings known. It would be easier to say that the two of you were devastated and didn’t know how life would ever go back to normal...but you wouldn't...you couldn’t.

Sirius finally let you go before wrapping an arm around your waist.

“I have a surprise for you. I dragged Remus along with my grumpy brother. Don’t mind him, he just hates everyone equally.”

The moment that you looked up and locked eyes with Regulus, your mouth dropped. There he stood...he was so close that you could run to him.

He hurt you. He doesn’t deserve a moment of your time. Kick him in the shins if he tries anything.

The sassy voice in your head picked up as your brain went into over-protection mode. As much as you wanted to hug Regulus, you weren't. You would admire him from afar.

“Hello, Regulus.”

He nodded, not saying anything. Regulus had a feeling that if he spoke, feelings that he didn’t want Sirius or Remus to know would spill out. He would look like a fool in the middle of the airport.

Regulus wanted nothing more than to tell you that he had changed. He wasn’t the man that he used to be. If you would just give him a chance, he could prove it...or was he too late. Had Sirius stolen you from him for good? Would Regulus be able to watch the two of you as a couple? Hell no! Regulus would rather be killed or just die in some tragic way than watch you be his brother’s lover.

Sometimes dead is better.

Before Regulus was able to make a comment, Remus stepped in and pulled you into a hug. Regulus put his head down with an insolent frown. What he didn’t see was Sirius watching him with a suspicious frown. Why did Regulus suddenly look like a jealous lover?

Arriving back to Sirius’ house, you were thrilled to automatically be greeted by Marlene and Dorcas. Both of your friends took turns hugging you and cradling you like a baby.

“You look so pretty! Dorcas, doesn’t she look pretty?”

Marlene squealed. Dorcas nodded.

“Of course, she looks pretty. We’ve missed your face.”

“Um, you two are kind of hurting my face.”

You squeaked. Both Dorcas and Marlene backed away as Sirius stepped into the room with Harry in his arms. Your happy smile faded as you laid your eyes on your nephew that looked so much like his father.

Sirius smiled as he placed the baby boy in your arms.

“Harry, say hello to your aunty Y/n. She’s a doll, huh?”

Sirius smirked as he noticed Regulus step into the room. The younger brother immediately locked his eyes on you.

Crap….

He was dreading the moment that you met your nephew for the first time. Regulus dreaded seeing your tears and here you were cuddling the baby with tears in your eyes. He hated it even more that he couldn’t comfort you like he used to. When something was bothering you before, Regulus took care of it. He knew how to make everything better. Whether it be simply cuddling you, kicking someone’s ass in “secret”, or physical comfort...Regulus did it.

“Uh oh, I think someone needs a change.”

You stated, pulling Regulus from his thoughts. Sirius pointed to the little bedroom off of the kitchen.

“That’s his room. Feel free to do whatever you need to. I normally put him down for a nap about this time.”

You walked from the room with a smile leaving Sirius and Regulus alone in the kitchen.

The moment that you were gone, Regulus sat down at the table and reached for the newspaper in front of him. Sirius, meanwhile, decided to ask questions about his suspicions.

“So, Reg, I have a curious question.”

Regulus didn’t look up from the newspaper. His dark eyes were focused on reading. The less that he had to deal with his brother the better off he was. He was too busy trying to control his emotions over you and didn’t have the strength or patience to deal with Sirius and his nonsense.

“The answer is yellow and you are not a woman.”

Regulus replied with a small smirk. Sirius gave his brother an annoyed sneer.

“I’m aware of that fact and I have no idea what yellow has to do with anything. My question is what happened between Y/n and yourself?”

Regulus looked up, obviously surprised.

“Excuse me?”

Sirius glanced over his shoulder to make sure that you weren’t listening.

“I saw how the two of you look at each other.”

Regulus resumed his “cool as a cucumber” attitude. Turning the page of the newspaper, he went back to reading.

“I should ask you the same question.”

It was Sirius’ turn to look confused.

“Huh?”

Regulus snorted.

“The way that you two go gaga over each other. It's disgusting. I wish James would come back from the dead to kick your ass.”

Sirius blinked. The way that the two of you acted at the airport was typical “Sirius and Y/n” behavior. Anyone that knew the two of you would agree to that. It was playful fun between friends. Sirius didn’t look at you like…

Oh my god, Regulus is hot for Y/n!

Sirius’ mouth dropped at the thought. He quickly pointed at his little brother.

“You like her! Have you two...done dirty things?”

Regulus looked up. He placed his elbows on the table to place his chin on his hands.

“To answer your question, yes we have done dirty things. If you think that you are going to be half the lover to her that I was, you are sadly mistaken. I bet she hasn’t called you daddy before.”

The words left Regulus’ mouth before he could really think about what he said. Normally, Regulus typically was very calculating with what he said. This comment, however, just came out leaving Regulus feeling like a jealous 13-year-old girl who was deciding who could sit with him at lunch and who couldn’t.

“Huh?”

Sirius questioned. Regulus didn’t blink or move.

“What?”

Regulus replied, with a sneaky smirk. Sirius, meanwhile, stood with his mouth wide open as he realized exactly what his brother said. Regulus didn’t make any facial expression as Sirius scratched his head. How long had you been sleeping with Regulus? When did this happen and where was Sirius? How did he not pick up on this and you called Regulus “daddy.”

Sirius would never think about his little brother in that particular context. He still saw Regulus as his innocent quiet brother who he assumed was still a virgin but obviously wasn’t (and he was apparently good at doing the “deed.”)

Regulus-fucking-Black is a kinky dude... it's always the quiet ones.

Sirius thought before speaking gibberish when he tried to question his brother on when and where this all started and how did he miss the memo?

“Y-wh-she-where…”

Regulus smirked before going back to his newspaper leaving his brother to question everything about a world that he thought he knew so well. He only looked up again when you stepped into the room with Remus behind you. The two of you were talking quietly and stopped at Sirius’ strange actions.

“Sirius, what’s wrong?”

Remus questioned as you looked between both brothers. Sirius motioned to Regulus then to you and uttered a strange slew of words that were mixed together so much that no one could understand. Had you not been so confused, you would have found Sirius’ over the top dramatic motions to Remus amusing. He clearly expected Remus to understand what he was talking about but Remus just blinked and scratched his head.

“Uh-huh.”

Remus politely replied and decided that he was not going to try to decipher what Sirius was freaking out for the moment. Once Sirius got himself together, Remus was sure that he would hear about whatever it was.

Regulus stood up with a pleased smile on his face.

“My work here is done.”

You had a feeling on what happened. Sirius was just let in on the “big secret�� and was having the reaction that you expected. If James was still alive he would either be doing the same thing or he would have Regulus in a headlock...it would be a real toss-up. Hopefully, somewhere in heaven, your brother wasn’t giving Lily too hard of a time.

Waiting a moment longer, you turned and followed Regulus outside onto the front step. He was in the middle of lighting a cigarette when you stepped out with no coat on. Rolling his eyes, he didn’t want to let his attention linger too long but couldn’t help it.

“Go back inside. It's cold out here.”

Regulus commented. He felt bad that the first thing that he said to you was an order. The last thing that he wanted was for you to get ill. You crossed your arms over your chest as the cold autumn air surrounded you.

“So the first words that you say to me is an order. Is that how it's going to be?”

You questioned as Regulus took a drag on the cigarette before turning back to you. He groaned before tossing the half-smoked cigarette into the waiting ashtray. Pulling his coat off he gently wrapped it around your shoulders.

You were clearly surprised by his action. Surprised and heartbroken was the exact feelings that you had going through you. The coat smelled just like Regulus always had from the time that you had gotten to know him. That comforting scent that always made your overly anxious nerves relax anytime that he was near you.

“Um...sorry. Hello, sorry that I’m an ass.”

Regulus offered, clearly confused as to what you wanted from him. You sighed.

“You told Sirius about our relationship didn’t you?”

Regulus shook his head.

“Not exactly. He asked if we did dirty things and I simply said that I bet you haven’t called him daddy before.”

All of the thoughts came to a screeching halt in your mind. Regulus had actually said that to Sirius and now Sirius knew! You blushed at the realization that you would have to explain this to Sirius soon. There was also the annoyance that Regulus didn’t seem to mind letting his brother in on the secret but he couldn't open his mouth to his parents. Maybe you were right all along? Perhaps the relationship was just about the sex to Regulus and when he said “I love you” he didn’t really mean it.

“You’re comfortable telling Sirius what we do in the bedroom but you don’t have the balls to tell your parents anything...lovely.”

Regulus’ face was unreadable for a moment.

“I don’t talk to my parents anymore. You would have known that if you hadn’t run off to America.”

“You broke up with me. I had nothing to stay for. As far as I knew, you were stuck on being a death eater and wanted nothing more to do with me. Did you honestly think that I was going to wait around for you to walk all over me again? I’m not dirt under your shoe just because I am not some member of some super elite club of pureblood morons.”

Regulus didn’t expect the venom to ooze out of your mouth the way that it did. Now here he stood looking at you with an annoyed expression.

“It looks like you’ve moved on just fine with my brother.”

You laughed at that comment...hard.

“Sirius and I? Wow, you must really be fucked in the head if you think that I would date someone who is like another brother to me.”

“I'm fucked in the head? Did you really say that?”

Regulus snapped. You nodded.

“Yep. Sure did. You know what, maybe I should date Sirius. At least, he was there for me. He wanted to make sure that I was okay and even offered to come to America to get me. You didn’t. In this whole year that we have been broken up, how many times have you tried to contact me? I’ll answer that...none. All that I have to say to you is, Regulus Black you aren’t getting your coat back.”

You turned on your head storming in the house and slamming the door behind you. Regulus stood looking at the place that you once stood with an annoyed frown.

“Fuck!

________

@amelie-black @regulusheadcanons @truly-insatiable @fandomsxxregulus @realgaytrash @quuenofblacks @lucasfilms77 @fific7 @hazncalsgal @teletubiswszpilkach @exhsle @acciosiriusblack @whymyparentscheckmyphone @criminalyetminimal @bennyberry @mimisparkle12 @jessyballet @knreidy1 @rubyroscoe1 @spiderxalmighty @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @fandom-trash-worth-it @summer-novak @hankypranky @emiwrites3reads @shaylybaby2032 @li0nh34rt @tas898 @stuckinsaudi1 @untoldshortsofthefandoms @sprnaturallover @deanwherescas @wontlookaway @shitfaceddaniel @mycuddlycorner @marichromatic

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bored-storyteller · 4 years ago

Text

All the parts you want. If you have anything specific in mind let me know!

Part 1:"Keep death away"

Part 2:"Beyond the Mask"

39- Tokyo Ghoul- Uta x Human! Reader pt. 3

"Just like you"

His tattooed hand presses against the wardrobe door that he has just closed, right in front of you.

Your breath tickles his knuckles as he hurries to hide the jar from your view, which you only caught a glimpse of it.

Trapped between him and the piece of furniture, your guilty gaze meets his.

"Oops ... sorry." You murmur, barely smiling at him.

Uta sighs slightly, shaking his head with his sweet and calm expression: "no ... I'm sorry, I forgot they were there."

You watch him bend over to open a drawer to look for the leather straps he asked you to retrieve, only to see him return to his workstation soon after.

Were those fingers in there?

The shop has been closed for a while now, and even if you would never say it out loud, this makes you happy. It's not exactly the best for you to always be ready to snap to hide in the bathroom, waiting for his customers to leave.

It hasn't happened many times, actually, but in one of them you heard Uta justify the presence of your smell as "his next meal". It made sense, yet you couldn't ignore a shiver running down your spine.

Despite any moral expectations, since you discovered that that boy is a ghoul you have found yourself much more company with him than before. It is something of yours, mutual. Now that a frightening world has knocked on your door, the one who showed it to you has become your safety and protection, and in the same way Uta comes into your protection with concern and at bottom with a slight sense of guilt it tickles his soul, relieved simply by the relief of not having to hide from you anymore.

Even if you are now aware of who you have in front of you, however the dynamics between you two are still fragile, and above all the dynamics between you and your inner fears are fragile.

The day after the tragic and at the same time sweet evening that opened you to a completely new reality for you, he immediately took care to give you the necessary recommendations: if someone asks you for something, any person, you absolutely must instantly forget that he is a ghoul.

At first you actually felt offended. Did he really think you were that stupid to tell someone about this? Did he think you would ever endanger him?

But soon after, you realized that it was not for his safety that he worried so much. He was afraid for you.

"This is really dangerous" he had told you "If anything happens to me, nobody has to know that you know, okay?"

If anything happens to me.

You couldn't say anything clever at the time, so you just nodded, but something bittersweet had started to tingle in your heart.

He is dangerous, and at the same time in danger. You are in danger of being there with him, you are in many ways. Some would say that you are committing a crime, that you are wrong, that you deserve punishment just because you enjoy his company. Yet you can't feel guilty.

You have so many questions to ask him, but in those days since the revelation you have not asked him even one.

It is so difficult for you to understand what you are feeling. He kills, he eats people, this is now known. He is one of those monsters that the news is talking about so much, one of those monsters that should be exterminated.

Yet you are now there, observing the empty, weeping eyes of a mask behind a display case. He must have done it recently, it's the first time you've seen it.

But still, you are there, in a hidden shop where you risk finding a box of human eyes by opening a drawer, and the thing that scared you the most until the other day is that you can't get the reaction you would expect from you.

You keep looking at the masks and him as you did until last week even though you know.

You didn't tell him, but it all kept you up at night. You've always thought about it, every moment was spent to find a way out of that tangle of thoughts and emotions that went through you both in his presence and in his absence.

It was hard to make peace with yourself, it was almost scary, but in the end you accepted it. You had no choice but to accept it.

He eats people like you, but if he didn't he couldn't exist ...

"I like this mask ..." so sad, so scared, a soul of a poor devil in hell.

"Really? I recently did it. But you know, to tell the truth it gives me a strange feeling. "

Even if he doesn't look at you he is attentive to you. Even if he sits on his stool where you are, he listens to you, he perceives you, much more than you perceive him.

Now you know… someone in that cruel world has to die, and you don't want that someone to be Uta, despite the price.

Yeah, the price, that price you didn't pay.

Now there is one more thing you have to solve with yourself, something else to admit, so fragile and so strong together.

You approach him to see what he is working on - or rather to see him.

When you look at him, every time, you immediately remember that he is a ghoul, but at the same time it is as if you forget him.

You've been spending a lot of time together now, yet each time you want more, and you don't really care how wrong it is.

“Listen…” his peaceful voice quickly distracts you from your thoughts “… you've been pretty quiet lately. Do you feel ok?"

His hands do not stop for a moment to work, to create. He certainly has deadlines to meet and yet what he is doing is not simple work, it is art. You feel privileged to be able to observe it at work.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I've been thinking too much lately."

You just laugh, a little embarrassed and a little really strangely and genuinely amused by that turn that everything is taking, as long as you are with Uta you feel free to smile again, despite everything.

You move closer to get a better look at his fingers intertwining with ribbons and straps. Who knows how he does it.

"Is it really such a big problem that I'm a ghoul?"

His words rain down on you like a cold shower interrupting all consideration, yet on his part they were necessary.

Uta also finds himself strangely surprised. His skilled hands interrupt the art, in the surprise of that new doubt that until now he had ignored.

No, in fact, he hadn't really ignored it. It had simply always presented itself in a thousand other terms that had never been posed as such a placid question.

He had experienced that stigma, that exclusion from the beauty of the world in a thousand sick ways, but never as he is experiencing it now with you.

And again that world that runs too fast for him returns, that world that "loves only humans", yet in his selfishness he prays on the sidelines that you will be able to give up that love that that magnificent world grants you, to stay there immobile, with a Pierrot like him.

For a moment Uta doesn't know what to do, whether to resume his job to avoid your gaze and protect himself, or to risk looking at you, discovering your emotions.

Yet before he can decide, he feels your movement.

You don't even know what you're really doing, you just know that for some reason at that moment you need to feel him as much as possible, to understand, to fix yourself.

Kneeling on the cold floor, in the intimate solitude of the closed shop, you let your arms surround his waist without fear. Your head in his lap, nestled against him as much as possible.

He doesn't react, he just looks at you, blank in the face.

Suddenly he feels angry restlessness rising in him. What are you doing? He can't read it, what does it mean?

For some reason he can't really feel your hug, it's as if he doesn't contemplate it among the possibilities. You're hugging someone else there. Snuggled against his stomach, you are approaching human victims like you, not him. There is no bridge between you two, it is impossible to believe.

There is no way that you, little fragile human, can really accept something so big, he cannot ask it to you, he thinks ... and yet ...

"I like it ..." your words are light, shy, and even fearful. Afraid of the scope of what you are saying, of that bestial confession you are revealing "that you are a ghoul ... I like it ..."

And that's the hard truth. It's just something of him, it's him, it's something attractive.

It is attractive to know that those gentle lips could bite you and trap your flesh, that those light hands could tear you apart. That safe sense of danger he gives you is tempting, and the trust you place in him just makes you enjoy that awareness.

This is hard even for you to admit, but you cannot ignore it, nor leave him unaware.

And once again your words overturn his stage, destroy it and rebuild it according to a new conformity.

He is surprised, you can feel it from his breath that stops for a moment, jumps against your cheek.

One thing he loves about you is that he can't help but believe you. No matter how much those words may be at odds with everything life has taught him, if you say it then it's true for him.

His delicate fingers intertwine with your hair, light, almost shy. His hand caresses you patiently, aware, almost as if he is caressing a child, while he holds you there in a sweet constriction.

"Really?"

His calm question about him is not a request for confirmation, as much as wanting to hear you say the things he never has the words to say.

You rise from your seat, getting back on your feet, but unexpectedly you are prevented from walking away from him.

Now it's his arms that surround your waist, and you find yourself there, trapped between his knees and his arms, without being squeezed. His eyes look at you attentively, his bizarre face shows nothing but his calm composure - which does not at all reflect the vibrations of his heart -.

“I think… it's part of you, you wouldn't be the same otherwise. I like it."

You don't know with what courage you spoke those words, so sure and sincere.

You are not embarrassed, perhaps because you both love that little world that belongs only to you, where no one can see and hear you, that behind the scenes of the circus of life.

And it is your way of seeing reality that he likes, what he needs. That your putting Uta before the ghoul, that small and natural confirms that you always give him. This is what still gives many hope, the existence of someone like you, who knows how to see things in the order in which they should be seen. It is the principle for which love exists between humans and ghouls.

The light and affectionate smile that is painted on his lips is the confirmation that is needed, nothing else.

"I could eat you ..."

"I know" but you won't.

You should be food for him, you are. You are a possible meal, but you are also a person. You are someone. You talk, laugh, joke, cry, get angry ... and over time he has learned to want to keep it all, because he likes the way you are. Though you may be his source of life, just imagining feeding on you becomes painful for him. The thought of devouring you, of consuming you, of making you disappear from the world, of swallowing your body, your laughter and your tears, your voice calling his name… has become extremely painful.

And he's also sure you don't really know what you're saying, he's sure you want to change a lot of things about him if you only knew them, but for now it's okay that you only know that drama.

Indeed, no, it is not a scene. Uta is Uta, whole and sincere. What you know is the real and authentic facade of Uta that you deserve to know, there is nothing wrong with that, and he is sure you know it.

Everyone is modeled on relationships, you do too, but it's not that you are less true with him than with others.

The same goes for him, and despite this he is also aware that the affection that binds him to you will not change when he is talking to Renji, and not even when he is at the center of an auction. Uta is always Uta, and you are always you, no matter where you are or who you are with.

Two extremely complex creatures, monster and prey that still share something so profound and at the same time solid and concrete.

His lips curl slightly more, in a vague expression of veiled sweetness.

"Good."

His hand slips on the table as he stands up, but you don't notice it, too focused on seeing that the other hand hasn't given up on the touch on your hips.

Only when something lands on your face do you wake up. You do not understand it immediately, but the mask, still white and anonymous, is now on you, supported by him.

Before you can say anything or ask for an explanation, Uta is close to you, so close that you know you can feel the hard cover vibrating slightly on your cheeks under his breath.

It is still too early, everything is too delicate to utter certain words between you two, to give voice to deep and primitive feelings, which have nothing forbidden even though society would like you to believe.

It is not for fear that you will not admit what you both know, it is just for the pleasure of enjoying that moment, that moment before, that sweet harboring the affectionate secret.

This is why it is the stiff and cold lips of the mask that are kissed, a slight barrier that separates the delicacy of that touch from you.

A kiss that doesn't whet anyone's appetite, is just a silent admission of something extremely big.

And as the mask came, it goes away, returning to its place, leaving you uncovered and incredulous.

Uta also moves away, returning to turn his attention to the stock cabinet, abandoning you still and dazed in front of that almost dreamlike situation.

"Uta?"

"Yes?"

His answer is always ready as he rummages through the rolls of tissue.

"What was that?"

His quiet face of him turns to you, and you know him well enough to notice that slight amused glint in his eyes.

"What was what?"

“That! You know!"

A slight amused snort from him lets you know you'll never get your answers: "You must have daydreamed."

-End-

#tokyo ghoul #uta tokyo ghoul #uta x human reader #uta x reader #uta tg #tokyo ghoul headcanons #tokyo ghoul x reader #tokyo ghoul oneshot #request #tokyo ghoul uta

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gaymershigh · 4 years ago

Note

How about Deuce, Azul, Idia and the Leech twins' if it's not too much, (smoll)male s/o saying "I love you." for the first time ? Thanks !

Sure, annonie! Since I also have a smol boi I can imagine this scenario in my head and It's! SO! CUTE! o(^▽^)o

Triggers: None

Deuce, Azul, Idia, Jade and Floyd small male s/o saying "I love you" for the first time

Neither of you two have said the phrase "I love you" no matter how much you two really want to say it because you two are too nervous to initiate it. He never had a romantic relationship before and is also as nervous as you so it's not really a surprise if you said it first.

He was always taking good care of you and always showing you physical affection. He enjoys hugging and cuddling your small figure, always nervously complimenting how pretty you are petting your head and everything. Yes, he has the balls to do all this but apparently not brave enough to say "I love you". Yes, very tragic.

So when you first said those magic three words, he was startled. Not sure what he really felt at the time but all we know is that he's shocked. When those words came out of your mouth, he made a dramatic gasp and stood like a statue, staring at you with his eyes all bugged out.

Despite him being probably ticklish, poking him even at his most sensitive areas won't even make him flinch, this is the most life changing moment for him. (almost correct, he's just being dramatic at the moment) He's aware that you love him but you saying it is still a shocking thing, this feels just like the time you confessed that you also have feelings for him. It takes a few minutes to go back to reality and when he does, his face is as red as Riddle's hair and fuming face combined.

He would feel ashamed about not being able to say it first. He would spit out thousands of apologies for not saying it first or not being not good enough because he didn't say it first. So he decided to spill all his feelings and what little things he loves about you in such a quick pace to the point he sounds incoherent. He'll get weird stares from other students and will get teased by both Ace and Grim later if they coincidentally walked pass you two.

Azul has said his love for you multiple times but it's not often as the others as he either doesn't have that much time to spend with you because of work or because he despises saying those words in public. Of course, he still wants to say his love for you but he has a reputation to hold and being overly affectionate is not something a gentleman nor a businessman would do! No matter how much he would love to hug your smaller figure from behind, it's just unprofessional.

He really doesn't give one if you haven't said you love him back but if this lasts until months, then he's getting anxious and antsy. He knows you love him back but he would appreciate it a bit more if you said it as well. He really craves to hear those three words from his s/o when dating. Plus, he has said it so much to you, why haven't you said it to him? He has these thoughts, thinking he was ready to hear it any moment but when he did hear it from you, he was caught off guard.

When you do say it, he stopped whatever he was doing. Yes, it was very unprofessional for a businessman to get so surprised over something so simple as that but give him a break. He might not be human but he still has the feelings of one. Plus, this is the first time he heard it from you. He managed to cover up his slightly shocked expression by clearing his throat and saying he loves you back, acting like nothing happened and tried brushing it off.

When he's in his workroom with both of the Leech twins there, he is having a hard time. Both having a hard time to focus and a hard time to keep his cool from his cheeks reddening in front of the devilish pair. He really cannot get that thought about you declaring your love for him, looking really cute and extra points for your shorter height making it seem more innocent and cuter. He kept adjusting his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. The two do realise that something's going on inside the mind of the octopus boy and decided to pester him about it later.

In his bedroom, a place where nobody is sure to see him doing whatever in there because he had forced the good habit of knocking and asking permission before entering to his dorm members, he's more of a mess since there's nothing restricting him from showing his true emotions. He's shifting all over the bed to the point of no return, all blushed up and still trying to cover it despite that nobody's there. It's always fresh in his mind and just prays for it to go away as fast as possible. It will, spoiler alert but it'll take a few couple of weeks or even months for the memory to fade away for now.

He has said his "I love you" to you before but it's not really that surprising or anything to be that shocked as he only declared it in text form. There's no way he's going to confess it verbally on irl because that's such a "normie thing to do"! And also because he's just anxious to say it in general. Yeah, it's just three words but they say so much and it's easier said than..actually saying it, especially in front of the person you want to say it to. Except he can't even say it in voice chat either.

It's like saying it in front of a cute anime girl character that every fan probably adores. You even have the cute height of an adorable move shoujo manga deuteragonist, the protagonist's love interest! cute, short and just the character's fan favourite, you know? It will either always take some time or it takes the end of the manga for the protagonist to confess. It's like the same thing except they're already together!

It was a normal day of voice chatting after a nice match of an online fighting game. He kept praising your amazing skills and tricks for playing for the first time and hoping that you two can play again. Then from that, he kept wanting to read these mangas he thought was interesting with you. He was very excited and filled with energy, how can't you not think that's straight up adorable and not express how you love that part of him?

So when you did, he went immediately silent. There's not even a noise of a ceiling fan. Just dead, utter silence. You kept calling out for his name no matter how many times he hasn't answered. Out of nowhere, he cut the call, leaving you alone. In just a few minutes later, he went offline. You were worried, what the hell just happened? You knew that kneading freakout about your sudden words but you for some reason didn't expect it to affect him that much. You might have to contemplate whether you should visit him to check if he's ok or not.

He's not ok, at all but not like in a bad way. He's happy but he's panicking. First, he's such a wimp for not saying the words first to the point you have to declare it first. Even if saying 'I love you' is such a normie thing, he's aware it's something important to say if you're in a goddamn relationship. Second, what was he supposed to say after that? 'I love you too'!? How? As much as he wants to spit it out, he couldn't. Though, one day. Maybe he could learn to say it back? Through the teachings of a shoujo mangas of course!

Jade is wonderful at saying his love for you verbally. His words can go from simple "I love yous" to a list of 150 reasons why he loves you in alphabetical order. Though he won't say it as much in public, his love language from both physical and verbal are endless! If you're a cheesy, affectionate man then he would be the perfect man for you! (though, he's always perfect for everyone in general)

There's no way for him to describe his love for you, especially his love for your small frame. It's obvious that he's a giant when compared next to you and he has pride for that. You unintentionally give him power and dominance just by staring at you. Just by holding you, he's amorous. He's always holding you close on his bed, whispering sweet nothings and the three words that never rolled out of your tongue until now.

It was another casual cuddling session after the long day of work of Jade. He was doing the normal thing, complementing your tiny body and saying his 'I love yous' and that. You were hesitant but after all this time of him praising you and after a long day of work, shouldn't he receive his reward and the thing that he should hear after months of being together? When you say the magic words, his eyes widen for a few seconds only for his face turns into his iconic toothy grin. He kept teasing you to repeat them as he pretended that he couldn't hear you.

He expects you to say these words more often now that you finally said it. For the entire time, he secretly waits for you to say those words because as much of a gentleman he is, he anticipated that you're supposed to say those words back not just because you're boyfriends but because he deserves it after all those comments he tossed to you. (don't worry, he means his words, it's just that my guy wants affection too) and when he finally gets it, he's very and finally satisfied, like he finished his final mission or something.

He might not show it since he's a master of hiding his emotions but he's genuinely joyful about it. He finally got one of his dreams about or with you finished and he was way more satisfied at the result. You're small innocent self finally saying I love you back is kinda like the dream for him for some reason.. Please say your love for him more without him begging because the last thing he wants to say to you is saying "say you love me"

Knowing Floyd, he doesn't care about what anyone has to say about his affection towards you. No matter where you are, if he's in a good mood then he has no resistance to just fling and run himself into your comfy arms. There's a reason as to why he chose you as your boyfriend after all.

He has a thing for people smaller than him and it's shown by bullying Riddle till he's about to blow up like a volcano (or already blown up, depends on how he feels or what he said) and you being his boyfriend won't make you immune to his teasing. If anything, he will bully you about your height even more but he knows where to cross the line unlike with other students. He's very touchy so expect him to touch your small torso every time he has the chance.

He doesn't even realise that you haven't said your love for him if your love language leans more to physical. He wouldn't mind if you don't say it if you're also returning his hugs and super invested in cuddling sessions. Kiss him, hug him or do anything that's physical and he would be just as happy but if you don't do any of that, then he might say something about it or puff his cheeks out, pouting.

You were on his lap, cuddling like always, ignoring the judgemental stares you two are getting. Brave enough for them to try staring down at your giant monster of a boyfriend. He pours everything interesting that has happened to him or he has witnessed, aka the normal things he does everyday (surprising of how consistent he was) and it was adorable especially with his cooing voice when he mentions something he really thinks is cool. You accidentally said that is what you love about him and he stopped and looked at you for a second.

"Oh, Is that so?" oh, get prepared to be teased for that by the way. He's more in love with more than ever when you said that, especially the way you said it confidently, knowing that well it's unintentional. He has no shame to ask you to say it more or he'll squeeze you. Unsure if that's just a joking statement or not. I mean, he's technically squeezing the life out of you, screaming "I love you" at a ridiculously fast pace so he's probably not. Unfortunately or fortunately for you, he will ask you where's his daily "I love you" if you haven't said it yet before you separate your ways to your dorm for the next day to rise.

Can you tell I panicked when writing Floyd's part? Don't know why I panicked in the first place though, lol~

~𝕸𝖎𝖗𝖎

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jisungsplatforms · 4 years ago

Text

Pairing: Lee Felix x gn! reader

Genre: fluff, small angst (in the beginning); non idol au, reincarnation au, kinda strangers to lovers (but not really? you’ll see)

Warnings: character deaths in the beginning (Salem witch style oops)

Tears streamed down their faces as they smiled lovingly to one another. The male leaned his forehead onto his lover’s own, holding each other as close as they can be. It was unfathomable, really, how lucky they were to find each other in this convoluted world. The amount of love they had for each other was suffocating; it was a love that was too good to last...

“Burn the devils!”

“Repent for your sins, you vile wenches!”

“May you suffer in the hands of your lord, filthy worshippers!”

The cries of the townspeople could not be heard over the sound of their synchronized heartbeats and declining breaths.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Flames of red and orange engulfed the couple’s forms. The man was terrified, not for himself but for his significant other. He silently prayed to the Lord to set them free; to guide them to the gates of paradise, where they can finally live peacefully together at last. “May we meet again in another life, my beloved,” his lover proposed with one final breath, letting the fiery madness swallow them whole. Only the wind could carry the last words of this bittersweet love story.

- 🕧 -

Felix jolted in cold sweat, the speed of which he sat up nearly gave him whiplash. He looked around to find he was just in the comfort of his bedroom. “Again?” he groaned as he hunched over, rubbing his face. Ever since he turned 18, he’s been having the same damned dream almost every night, leaving him with a heavy heart the next morning. It was driving him mad! All he wanted was for it to stop; though deep down, he also didn’t want to. He knew his conscience was trying to tell him something, rather, it was as if he needed to find someone. He flipped his phone over to read the time. ‘8:56am’ He sighed, getting up for the day.

“Do you believe in second chances?”

Everybody turned to Jisung in question, who was giving the 3 boys the purest look they have ever seen. “Like, if they did something bad?” Seungmin replied, “Yeah, I guess but it really depends on how grave the situation is.”

“No! No! Like, second lives and stuff like that!”

“Reincarnation?”

“Yeah! That’s the word,” Jisung smiled. Felix looked at him in interest, feeling antsy for some odd reason.

“Why?” Seungmin asked. “Is this from another one of those stories you read in that silly book?”

“Hey! Minho gave me that book! Respect it!”

Seungmin sighed as the other two boys laughed. “Hey, we should just be happy that he can even read, Seungmin,” Hyunjin laughed, earning a punch from Jisung.

“Come on, it’s not silly! I think it’s really cool,” Jisung pouted, everyone ignoring Hyunjin’s cries of help. “Hyunjin, You read it and thought it was cool too!”

Hyunjin stopped and scoffed, “Yeah, but it sounds a little...unrealistic? I think it is a cool concept but it can just never be true.”

“Agreed,” Seungmin chimed in. “Sounds too far fetched. You die? You die. That’s the end of it. No such thing as ‘second lives’.”

“Boohoo, you guys are such downers. Hope you guys stay dead when you die then,” Jisung jokes. “What about you, Lix? You never said anything.” The boys turned to the uncharacteristically quiet boy.

Felix hummed. “I think…” he draws out, “that it could happen? To me, it doesn’t sound that impossible”

“See! Felix is with me!” the chubby cheeked boy cheered. “He has a vision unlike you haters.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes sassily. “Okay, then what did the book say? Does it explain why reincarnation is a thing?”

“Yup! It said that reincarnation often happens when someone dies a tragic death or lived a miserable life. They are granted a second chance of one to make amends for their hardships, so that they can finally live the happy lives they deserve! And sometimes, people will still have memories from their past life.”

“Fake,” Hyunjin faux coughed. Jisung turns to him with a glare.

“Shut up. Don’t act as if you didn’t cry when you read the story.”

“Hey!” The two boys argued while Seungmin went on his phone to ignore the commotion. Meanwhile, Felix was lost in thought. So it is true...I was reincarnated. Those dreams really were memories of my past self! This is a sign!

“Hm,” Seungmin said to no one particularly, “I wonder when will anyone bring up that fact that Minho gave Jisung a literal children’s book?”

- 🕘 -

The boys left Hyunjin’s house after 5 hours. It was already the afternoon, and they were starving, seeing how they spent the whole time playing video games. Instead of ordering food, Seungmin suggested they go out to physically buy the food, much to Jisung and Hyunjin’s chagrin. Jisung and Hyunjin went to buy pizza, Seungmin was in charge with buying them food that’ll actually fill their stomachs, and Felix went to buy the drinks and desserts. Hyunjin went on about “eating like kings!” or something like that.

Felix was lining up in the ice cream shop, already carrying the bag of sodas for them. He was waiting for his turn when he heard a sweet voice from the line beside him; a voice that he has vaguely heard before. “Hello! Can I have-”

He turned his head to find the most breathtaking person he has ever seen. Felix felt his heart racing. It was as if his world stopped. Is that-? What’s happening? Is this it? he gulped. “Hello sir? Sir!”

He immediately snapped out of it, remembering he’s still in line. He looks back at the line to find that he’s next. “I am so sorry!” he bowed, quickly moving to the counter to place his order. Felix hastily spoke with the employee in hopes of speaking to the mystery beauty. He turned around to see his self-proclaimed soulmate already walking out the door. He cursed, ready to run out the door, when he heard his name being called. Felix hissed, snatching the bag of ice cream from the employee, with a quick ‘thank you’.

He sprinted out of the shop and into the direction he saw them leave. Either he ran that fast, or his soulmate was slow, he was able to catch up to them. “W-Wait!” he called out, breathlessly. His heart wanted to burst when he saw their form up close; when he saw you up close.

“Yes? May I help you?” you responded with a gentle smile. Felix had this strange urge to kiss your lips, fighting hard against it since you two are still technically strangers in this life.

“U-uhm,” he cleared his throat, “I’m sorry but- I think I’ve seen you in my dreams.”

Your eyes widened, caught off guard. Felix only now realized his blunder. “Crap- I’m sorry that was-”

He was cut off by the sound of your laughter, causing his face to burn even more. “Isn’t that a little cliché?” you giggled. Felix bit his lower lip in humiliation, looking down to the cement under his shoes. He wanted to run away. The situation was too embarrassing for him to handle. He felt your soft hands bring his face up.

“Hey hey, no need to be embarrassed. Don’t worry about it,” you smiled, “my beloved.”

Felix was stunned. Holy sh- I was right! It is you! he cheered mentally. He smiled as wide as he could, dropping his bags and bringing you into his arms. The two of you laughed in relief, happy that the two of you were together at last. You buried your face into his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you, Felix.”

“I’ve missed you too, Y/n,” he sighed, kissing the top of your head.

You looked up with tears in your eyes. You whispered, “I told you we shall meet again in our next life...my beloved.”

🕛 End 🕛

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everythingsinred · 3 years ago

Text

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt.7)

Well, Natsume's really in it now! Today we'll be talking about what lengths Natsume will go to in order to protect the people he loves. He's not a normal boy with a normal first crush, after all. He has no intention of wooing her or flirting. In fact, his instinct is to distance himself, and going forward we'll see that instinct is motivated by more than just a low self-esteem.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Natsume has some major character flaws. He’s kinda a jerk in general and is rude and abrasive. He’s chronically selfless and seems to be drawn to situations where he can sacrifice himself for others, which is a very unhealthy way to be. He’s also terrible at keeping his word.

Natsume only made this decision on his own, but he’s pretty bad at carrying through with it. He’s the one who told her to stay away, but Natsume will have more and more trouble staying true to such an agreement.

At first, he makes an effort: Mikan is being bullied for her stupidity and sees Natsume. He glares at her, another discouragement from coming any closer. He doesn’t argue with her or join in on the bullying.

But in no time at all, the whole class is riled up in study mode because of Mikan’s example, and for many kids in Class B, the best person to turn to for tutoring help is Natsume, who is actually quite smart when he actually does the work--though he’d prefer not to. And he does help, though not with any kind or supportive words. He’ll leave that to Mikan. Maybe to him it feels a bit like a cheat, like he can afford to give in a little bit. He later walks alongside her after an exam, like he’s part of her circle, and although he’s not really engaging with her like the rest of the kids are, it’s enough that he’s near her.

And it’s enough for the ESP and Persona to notice.

We can see the ESP looking down on them from his headquarters room, still covered in shadows to maintain his mystery, but his figure is familiar enough for a reread. Natsume has been caught and he will have to face the consequences.

Persona subs in for Makihara-sensei (and we must wonder if Makihara was really unable to proctor his exam or if he was ordered to stay away so that a point could be made to Natsume), and despite his disguise, Natsume can tell it’s him instantly. After all, he was supposed to recognize him. Natsume looks horrified.

So far, Natsume has had to more or less balance two very different parts of his life: a more light-hearted life in Class B and his life as a spy and black ops agent. They’ve been difficult to juggle because of how different they are, but they’ve been pretty separated. Here, the lines are blurring. Was there really any divide at all or was that just an illusion? Persona can invade on his happiness any time he wants, on a whim, and nobody else will notice that anything is amiss. Only Natsume will be bothered, and that’s enough.

Natsume later catches up to Persona, asking him what the hell all that was about.

Permy and his fans aren’t the only ones to notice that Natsume has been softer lately--he and the ESP have noticed as well, and he’s been ordered to put a stop to it. He mentions a “kitten of a different color” who has been of interest to the ESP too, and Natsume plays dumb, his last-ditch attempt to protect Mikan from being drawn into this.

Persona comments on the strangeness of seeing the infamous Black Cat that he trained himself, who he’s supposedly only ever seen in action, sitting and taking a test like a normal kid. He reminds him that he’s not a normal kid. There’s no point in trying so hard. He won’t make it to ever see his family again, so why even bother?

And then Persona makes a point to discourage Natsume from getting close to that “kitten of a different color”. Natsume argues that they’re the ones who made them partners in the first place! And he might as well be giving himself away. Again, Natsume seems convinced that the partners thing was a decision from pretty high up, but I don’t think it was. Here, it seems like Persona is trying to clean up the mess Narumi made before it gets too out of hand. Natsume is a perfect tool and anything messing with that is inconvenient. They can’t unmake them partners (yet) so the most they can do is threaten Natsume.

And now we can see what kind of alice Persona has. It's a real threat, killing that plant. It's a reminder to Natsume what he's capable of, that his friends and loved ones could end up just like that plant.

And so Persona does.

Natsume is anguished here, because he’s been trying his very best to avoid this situation, but he should have known that Mikan was already in the academy spotlight and his feelings would be quickly caught. It was too late from the start and he was doomed all along to add Mikan to the list of people he will do anything to protect.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next chapter opens with Mikan being confused and hurt by Natsume’s sudden new coldness. She has no idea what’s brought this all on, but we do. Natsume has no choice now but to completely try and cut her off. It’s for her own good, after all. If he’s not careful, she could get hurt. Protecting her is worth it, even if it means he has to be even more of a villain than usual.

We don’t see a lot of Natsume in this chapter, actually, because he’s trying really hard to stick by his word this time. We see him trip up a little, staring at her in class. When she catches him, he turns away coldly, but from this we can see that Natsume really doesn’t want to be leaving her alone like this. If he had it his way, in an ideal world, he’d be much nicer to her. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t waste his time thinking about his ideals, so he keeps at it, pushing her away.

The next time we see Natsume, it’s after we’ve been thoroughly introduced to the concept of the life-shortening alice. This is one hint of many that he has such an alice, several chapters before we get a real confirmation.

The scene where Natsume struggles on a bed full of pills is perhaps more dramatic in the anime, but it’s no less potent here. It’s like a sucker punch. You don’t want it to be true. He’s ten years old, for heaven’s sake! TEN YEARS OLD! And he’s suffering, hunched over, face red, gasping for air, clutching his chest, next to the biggest bag of medicine I’ve ever seen. It’s the biggest hint we’ve gotten so far, especially in the context of Kaname’s illness.

It's heart-breaking to imagine that most of the time, Natsume is simply pretending like he's not in absolute physical agony.

Kaname stays at the hospital for long stretches of time, staying for weeks and sometimes months at a time. He’s hospitalized more than he’s able to walk around free. There’s a lot to consider when that treatment is compared to Natsume’s. Natsume is the DA favorite and is sent on many missions. His trips to the hospital are never for weeks or months at a time, not because he doesn’t need the rest, but because the school can’t stand to go so long without their prize fighter. Natsume might be in even worse condition than Kaname, but there’d be no real way to tell unless we got it from him, because he has no choice but to put up with it and pretend like he’s not living in constant agony. And on top of being terribly and terminally ill, he gets physically beaten somewhat regularly… this school beats sick children and then threatens them when they find any inkling of happiness.

There is a bittersweet tone about Kaname’s story. He’s already sick anyway but he will probably die if he keeps using his alice, but he wants to, because he wants to bring people the same happiness that making Bear brought him. It’s tragic and heart-breaking, but it’s touching too. That sweetness is missing from Natsume’s appearance. His situation feels miserable and helpless in comparison, because not only does he have no way out, but nobody even knows the extent of his struggles.

He only lets himself feel this level of pain when he’s all alone in his bedroom. He’s been having a horrible past few days, having to ignore Mikan when she’s all that’s made him happy in recent memory. All that together, and we know that this night was a rough one for him.

The next day, we see everyone saying good-bye to Kaname. Once again, Natsume is completely separated from the rest of them, all alone in the classroom, sitting and looking as miserable as one can expect. It’s strange seeing him now after we’ve seen what his nights look like and just how painful they can get.

I just want him to be okay. Why is that too much to ask?

There’s some text on his panel: “I want the future I spend with the ones I love to last just a little longer.” Yet another hint that maybe his illness is more than just that. He has very little time left, and very little time to spend with his loved ones, but even worse: he can’t even spend time with Mikan because doing so would put her in danger. Even with Youichi and Ruka the amount of time he can spend with them is limited. They have their own lives and he doesn’t want to hold them back or hint in the slightest that there’s something up with him. He doesn’t want to worry or burden them. And so he sits alone in the classroom, looking despondent and lonely.

And now we know more than ever that this was never his choice: he has to be like this.

No, he’s not the asshole he makes himself out to be, somebody who doesn’t care about others and cuts others off because he thinks himself above them. All he wants is to protect people from getting too entrenched in his dark life. Natsume being this level of a jerk is a method to protect people, a method an adult would have to take.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I’m quite relieved to have finally passed the point where the anime adapts the manga. From now on, I can focus entirely on the manga. I passed 22k words on this essay too! This whole thing will be sooooo long. I hope it’s an enjoyable read so far. It’s quite fun for me to write.

This chapter is the beginning of a long and dramatic arc. There’s been incidents of people losing their alices. The academy is withholding information about the gravity of the situation, lying that the students have not been affected so far.

But even with the little information the kids have, Class B is full of concern. Everyone is discussing these incidents, debating whether losing one’s alice would even be a bad thing. After all, they’d be able to go back home and see their families. Nonoko brings up a great point, that her alice is a part of her identity, something she loves about herself. It’s not something she’d ever willingly part with. Furthermore, she doesn’t want to leave all her friends at the academy either. Ultimately, the kids all agree that they wouldn’t want to lose their alices.

At this, Natsume stands up and leaves the room. He’s heard enough.

Natsume doesn’t just have complicated feelings about his alice--he feels hatred for it. After all, if it weren’t for his alice, he could live to a ripe old age. He could still be with his family. He could be happy, not used as a weapon by the academy to fight until he dies. He can’t relate much to the conversations about fondness for an alice. From what we can see, he’d be over the moon to be rid of it for good. This is a concept brought up now, because it will be incredibly important later on.

Not to spill about my personal life or anything, but I’m an English major (in an anglophone country so my focus is literary analysis and writing). Writing literature papers in school was a love of mine that I translated to my other interests. I’m writing what I can here about general themes and even visual parallels. I want to write as thorough an analysis as I can. Unfortunately, I can’t effectively pick apart word choices and phrases when they’re translated from another language and when so many conflicting translations may exist.

I’m saying all this as a disclaimer because I want to analyze word choice now and I am aware that this might not carry to the original Japanese or even to other versions of the English translation. (For reference, I’m using the TokyoPop versions for my analysis for the first 15 volumes and then I’ll be using whatever I get my hands on for the rest. The pics I use are from scans, but the main source I use for now is TokyoPop.)

"Nowhere!".... hmm let me read way too much into this.

Natsume leaves the room and Ruka chases after him, asking where he’s headed. Natsume responds, “Nowhere.” This might be a nothing point to make, but it stands out to me whenever I read this part. It’s a reassurance to Ruka, sure, but there seems to be more to it. On the surface, we can tell that Natsume doesn’t have a destination in mind; he just doesn’t want to be in the classroom anymore, listening to all that upsetting talk. Deeper than that, he really is heading nowhere. He’s stuck there, at the academy, unlike the rest of them who will eventually leave to go back home once they’ve graduated. Natsume will probably die at the school, trapped within its gates. He will probably never see his family again. He is, in that sense as well, going nowhere.

The rest of their conversation is just as packed with meaning. Ruka can tell something is up and he wants Natsume to talk to him, to let him in, but Natsume knows that Ruka has made a pact not to smile if he’s not smiling. So even though Ruka is asking and wants to know what’s wrong, Natsume won’t give anything away. Being miserable is one thing, but letting Ruka know that something is worse than usual would only make Ruka miserable too, and he can’t have that. The bottom of one page has him frowning, maybe steeling himself, and then at the top of the next page, he turns around with a grin to tousle Ruka’s hair.

Don't mind me. I am simply crying.

“It’s nothing,” he says with his smile, looking so gentle, and Ruka still looks concerned, but he can’t argue anymore.

In reality there’s a lot going on with Natsume. Later, when we are introduced to Tono, he mentions being concerned about Natsume’s health, having heard that he was making frequent visits to the hospital. We already know he’s sick and going on ceaseless missions, and on top of all that he has to ignore and be cruel to the girl he likes. It’s a terrible situation. But Natsume can’t tell Ruka any of this without worrying him, so instead he will keep it to himself. After all, it’s nothing that can be helped or changed. It’s something he feels he has to cope with on his own. To him, spilling his secrets would be selfish and only cause suffering.

Chapter Thirty

Iinchou has finally returned from his visit to his hometown. He’s brought gifts and anecdotes and everyone is quite happy to see him, until Iinchou attempts to use his alice and finds himself unable to.

It’s a shock to the whole class that a kid at their school has lost his alice. They had been so relieved that at least it wouldn’t affect kids like them, but now one of them is a victim too. It makes the fear much more real. If it could happen to Iinchou, it could happen to any of them.

Things get tense when Iinchou returns to class and says that this might have been the fault of a woman he encountered outside of the school, someone who was probably affiliated with Z. Everyone who was involved with saving Natsume when he was kidnapped is shocked to hear about Z again, but none more than Natsume himself. He gets up and leaves, just like he did last chapter.

He’s thinking about the proposal Reo gave, that Natsume should join Z and fight against the academy he despises. But he’s not alone with his thoughts, because Ruka followed him again, and so did Mikan this time.

She tries to ask him about Z, see if he has any more idea about what’s going on. She’s confused and he knows more than anyone what happened during that incident, but he’s refusing to acknowledge her presence, let alone answer any of her questions. He’s keeping up his charade of cruelty to keep her safe, but it’s driving Mikan crazy. She finally breaks, screaming at him that he should pay attention when people are talking to him, and further that if he has any issues with her he should just say it to her face.

Just like last chapter, we see a panel of Natsume steeling himself, ready to do the selfless thing to protect the other person. Only this time the next panel has him glaring at her, saying he doesn’t like anything about her. He hates everything about her.

Natsume has no choice but to lie all the time about how he's feeling, because everyone else must always come first.

It feels different, but in reality this is the same thing he did to Ruka last chapter. He can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s feeling upset, and he can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s actually starting to fall for a girl. He always has to hide his true feelings, repress and bury them, lie about them in order to protect everyone around him. It’s hard for him to do, but he thinks it hurts him more than it could hurt her, so he manages it.

What adds even more layers to this is that Ruka is observing the whole thing. He sees Natsume’s actions as selfless but misfires on the motive a little--but only a little.

He recalls eating strawberries with Natsume and Aoi, with Aoi cheerfully discussing her newfound love for the fruits. And so Natsume gives his to her. Aoi is surprised, because strawberries are his favorites. He responds easily, “I hate them now.”

"For you," Natsume says.

Ruka knows what kind of person Natsume is, that Natsume would reject something he loves so that his loved ones can be happy. They’re both aware that they like the same girl, and Ruka can’t help but put the math together and assume that perhaps Natsume is doing this for him, hurting himself and bringing himself pain so that Ruka can be happy and pursue a girl he has a crush on guilt-free.

He’s even more convinced of the theory with the tiny panel that reminds us of when Natsume shoved Ruka into Mikan so they could dance. Natsume loves Mikan too, but he wants Ruka to be happy, so he will give up and even ruin his own chances to help out his best friend over himself.

When I say it’s a misfire, I mean that Natsume has a lot of other things going on, including Persona and his imminent death. It’s not that he definitely isn’t doing this for Ruka, it’s just that it’s not as major a factor as other things. He’s mainly doing it because of the threats from Persona. If Ruka is involved in his thought process, it’s mainly a bonus. Ruka’s theory is definitely not unfounded; just not completely accurate.

In any case, it does add extra substance to the dynamic between the three of them, where they all walk away from the moment with completely different kinds of misery.

Before any of them can sit with their sadness, though, they receive word that an intruder from Z is at the school.

Conclusion

In this section, we explored how Natsume has no choice but to distance himself from everybody, and even how the methods he uses to distance himself look different depending on the person. Ultimately, despite the fact that he isn't the sweetest kid you'll ever meet, Natsume being cruel to this extent isn't a quirk of his personality: it's what he has to do. If he didn't have so many things being held against him, he might be much kinder to Mikan, or more honest with Ruka, but he has no choice in the matter.

In the next edition, we're getting more involved in the Z Arc and going into how come Natsume goes from telling Mikan he hates her to backing her cause and going on a dangerous mission with her.

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