#toxic mothers

[x3nshit]

“you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick”

i didn’t get this until someone put it into words. i’d never understand why i always felt better when i locked myself alone in my room rather than spending time with my toxic family. i never understood why i was bubbly and outgoing when i was with my friends but my energy was immediately drained the second i got home. i didn’t understand why regardless of the effort i put into healing i would keep getting triggered by people in my family. i never understood it until i read that sentence and it all just clicked. i can’t heal in an environment where the people are benefiting from my suffering. where the people don’t want to change the behaviour which affects me negatively.

[pain-is-my-game]

One of the worst realizations that I have ever made is realizing that all I ever wanted was to be loved by my parents. I never would've turned out like this if they just loved me unconditionally.

[yuki-sage]

Enmeshment and Parentification

Here are some mental health links about enmeshment and parentification. I hope it helps someone. Mine is mostly on the perceptive of my mother.

[livingtrauma]

My mother was prone to fits of towering rage, but she was completely incapable of reflection and never sought to investigate the reasons for her emotions. ... Whenever I defended myself against this unjust treatment, sometimes going so far as to actually prove my innocence to her, she interpreted this as a systematic attack on her person and frequently retaliated with ferocious punishments. She confused emotions with facts. As she felt attacked by my explanations, she took it for granted that I was actually attacking her. A capacity for reflection would have been necessary for her to realize that the real reasons for her feelings has nothing to do with my behaviour. But remorse was completely foreign to her. Not once did she apologize to me or express any kind of regret. She was always "in the right".

Alice Miller - The Body Never Lies, The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting

[berryhoneypie]

“Bless the daughters who sat, carrying the trauma of mothers—“

Mommy issues.

/creating.sophie/Class of 2013 (Mitski)/Lady Bird (Greta Gerwig)/Persephone Made Me Do It (Trista Mateer)/Ijeoma Umebinyo/Wildflower Wildfire (Lana Del Rey)

[xan-the-emo-trans-man]

*My mom cussing me out and telling me everything I’m doing wrong*

teenage me who was literally just trying to be helpful:

[justabittraumatized]

revelation of the day: women who experienced a prolonged loss of girlhood and had their childhood innocence robbed are often the bitter mothers obsessed with “the feminine” and passing their flawed notion of femininty onto their daughters. this of course also applies to women who were exposed early on to society’s ideas of femininity 

[t0rschlusspan1k]

The poor thing peed on my bed and when I told my mother she started screaming at me because according to her I was lying. I have no idea why anyone would ever say that. She 'punished' me by saying I'll have to bring it to the laundromat myself as if I had done anything on purpose, as if I had a car or... I don't know. I'm tired of trying to explain her obsession for blaming me. I wanted to bang my head against the wall and I started panting. Then she commented because I hadn't washed the dishes after they had left me all day to watch over the cat. My period was so painful I was about to throw up and I was literally bent over the sink. And she knows I'm in hell every time and she doesn't care. She barely let me rest yesterday. At that point I started sobbing because she just won't leave me alone. She's always complaining about something. And I can't get away from here. My father heard me bawling my eyes out for that and for the pain and blatantly ignored me. I'm alone.

When I went back to my room I overhead her talking to a friend on the phone telling her the things I had suggested her about going to the veterinarian as if she was the one who came up with that much common sense, while she's totally incapable of a rational thought. She doesn't even understand when I talk clearly and with a simple language (she does, she just wants to antagonise me) and she had a tantrum twice because I was just trying to explain something that had happened. Now it's because I told her she never said she meant to "keep the cat inside the bathroom for the entire night because he was peeing everywhere", she just put him there and casually told me he peed on the sofa. She didn't tell me anything else. But I'm the one who makes things up and now she's even more angry at me.

And I have no one to talk to. I won't be able to see my psychologist and my psychiatrist. I can't talk to my siblings because they make me feel worse. I can't talk to my remaining Internet friends because they reply the day or the week after. I have no one and I can't leave. I want to d*e. Why didn't I d*e that day. It's her fault I'm like this. I want her out of my life. I want to take as many of our cats as possible and leave.

And I'm writing all this and I've been screaming forever and nobody cares.

[hiding-in-my-blanket-fort]

TW: eating disorders

There is something so unique about the flavòr of disordered eating that daughters inherit from the mothers who use them as a personal therapist, dumping heedless complaints about their own body image struggles, diet attempts, “don’t ever get fat, remember that, you’ll never be able to lose it again,” and “I’m so desperate to lose weight” and “when you get fat, no one loves you anymore.”

Never paying any thought to how it impacts the daughter. 🙃

[x3nshit]

me when i have to do another breathing exercise and count to 10 after my mom says the most vile, traumatizing thing to me because if i say what is really on my mind it would make the situation 100x time worse

[pain-is-my-game]

It's terrible knowing that if I ever show sadness or show anything emotion that's not positive towards anything whether it's my fault or not I'll either get blamed for it or told that my emotions are irrational.

[midnight-love-song]

I am filled with all the love that was never given to me. I am not my mother.

[darkk-stallion]

The thing about a mother's hate is that it's not that different from a mother's love

Sam Gordon, “A Mother’s Hate

[ugetsu-2]

Mother's will really say the most vile shit to their daughters and still sleep like as if it hasn't changed the trajectory of my existence

So you want me to be here or just stop ?

[the-midnight-in-me]

The funny thing is...the spankings aren't what stirs up from the muck when I think of bad childhood memories.

It was the yelling and screaming and guilt trips and the reckless driving when she was upset and the storming into my room and the angry outbursts whenever I had to ask for something for school. It was the way the energy changed when she got home in the evenings and how she criticized my friends and how she threatened suicide whenever faced with the truth of how she had hurt me. It was the way she would be always be the aggressor when my parents fought and how she'd scream at me to call the police on my own father and how I wouldn't because even then, I could plainly see he wasn't doing anything to harm her, merely yelling back in defense. I think the difference for me was that the discipline spankings were nearly ritualized. It was an 'uh oh, we fucked up. Line up. Okay, we're done, move on with your day'. VS never knowing when you were going to set her off and never knowing when the onslaught would end once it started. And when mom was the one who got physical it was usually so buried in the emotional crap that it didn't even phase me, except in one case where I legitimately did not understand she was being sarcastic and got kicked hard from behind and with no warning over it.

[poetryorchard]

The Mother Wound: a term to describe a lack or loss of a healthy relationship with your mother.

For anyone currently dealing with a dysfunctional, toxic, or unhealthy relationship with their parents, especially toxic mothers:

We are Poetry Orchard, an Asian/Black/disabled led collective hosting online creative writing workshops. They are geared towards poetry, but all creative and curious are invited!

On Friday, June 14 @ 2 PM EDT, we are holding a workshop on the topic of the mother wound. Through writing, we will examine the anger, loneliness, grief, confusion, and guilt that arises from this connection, giving a platform to process and communicate our emotions.

We will read a selection of works relating to the theme and hold an affirming and therapeutic discussion about the materials, followed by a brief group writing session driven by unique prompts. You are invited, but not required to share your work. If you do, though, positive feedback is guaranteed! ✨

Video and mic are not required - many attendees interact via chat. You can sign up here or reach out to us for a free ticket!