the-midnight-in-me - Tumblr blog

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

y'all. if you're going to demand people add funds to a group account for stuff like deaths or whatever, don't fucking use an app-only thing like fucking VENMO I do NOT want to install another stupid app on my phone that requires me to add sensitive financial information just to send $20 to a coworker fund ffs, what in the boomer technophile hell???

[the-midnight-in-me]

The difference between last year's trip and this year's was truly night and day.

I was nearly PARALYZED by anxiety most of last year into this year, over analyzing every single moment and worrying I was never doing enough Now I'm...calm? I didn't spend the entire week feeling like I shouldn't be there? Cautiously optimistic that the antidepressants actually are doing something, even if I need to adjust the dose as the days grow shorter.

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

I confuse people. i have a happy personality and a sad soul. i'm bold but shy. i love deeply but sometimes i feel heartless. i'm healing and hurting at the same time. i'm dedicated to growth, but i self sabotage

[the-midnight-in-me]

I hope today is a fluke; this cannot be happening right before people are unfortunate enough to deal with my dumb ass. I've been feeling better outside of general worry that I'm not doing enough in terms of work, but today has felt like I walked straight into a glass door. Maybe it's because it's been so rainy for so long? Does this mean the meds aren't actually helping like I was afraid of and it was just a coincidence/timing with the height of summer? Ugh....

[the-midnight-in-me]

It's weird the hoops you find yourself jumping through to justify or downplay it, even after you've accepted that it wasn't a healthy situation

For instance, it wasn't until I told my therapist about how mom would drive recklessly when angry or how I would sometimes brace my door with stuff to feel safer before going to sleep that it sank in how truly and deeply fucked up it all was.

“but it wasn’t that bad”

did it hurt? did you feel scared? unsafe? were you embarrassed? humiliated? terrified? did you feel confused on why? does it keep you up at night? do you avoid being in a similar situation? did you cry? did you want to cry? who told you it wasn’t that bad?

[the-midnight-in-me]

Couldn't afford hugs as a child. The price was too steep.

Nowadays, I can't stomach the shame of asking, but she provides them so freely. At my lowest, she gathers the pieces and holds them so gently.

And I can't shake the feeling that she's tallying the debt. It's the nature of these things; it's the way they always are. And maybe it'll kill me, but right now, she's a liferaft, and I'm just trying not to drown.

I'll try not to hate her for it later, but it's in my nature; it's my nature.

[the-midnight-in-me]

When writing always remember… a character flaw is only a flaw until becomes useful. 

Is your protagonist manipulative? Well that’s awful… until they manipulate the antagonist into making a decision that saves the lives of their friends. 

Is your protagonist a skeptic? Well that’s not good… until someone tries to lie to them. 

Is your protagonist overprotective? That sucks… until someone they love is in danger. 

Is your protagonist remorseless? Well that makes them pretty unlikeable… until a hard decision has to be made. 

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

“Complex trauma is also known as developmental trauma in that it is trauma that is chronic, pervasive, and it happens early in development from, say, birth to teens. Many people who have what we call complex trauma have had many years of trauma; mostly we’re talking about child abuse. I think complex trauma also covers other issues like war and political torture … but mostly we use it to think about people who’ve been abused and neglected as children… . Emotional neglect can lead to a pretty profound disconnection from yourself; depersonalization, depression, a sense of purposelessness. It can be pretty severe.”

Kathy Steele, a leading expert on dissociation & trauma, explaining what complex trauma is. (source, 10:15)

[the-midnight-in-me]

Glen Martin Taylor, “but i am safe in here.”

[the-midnight-in-me]

Sorry I left you on read for 3 months, I was stuck in an endless self isolation and self destruction cycle bc I thought I deserved to be alone. (It will probably happen again.)