the-midnight-in-me

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

I'm having a harder and harder time finding a reason to get up in the morning.

Why am I even here.

[the-midnight-in-me]

“Emotional abuse works like this: You are screamed at, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself. You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.But this only provokes more screaming. Going silent provokes more screaming too, but usually it keeps the threats to the minimum. It keeps it just at screaming and not: a shove down the stairs, or order to pack your stuff and get out. So you learn how to go silent. How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise. How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. You learn. And when the screaming has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and they’re all smiles, all asking for favors, all questions, you are still hurt and annoyed and want to ask them, how? How can you speak to me like that? How can you pretend you did not say those things? How can you have forgotten? But you’ve learned. So you listen to, “Can I borrow your key”s and “how was your day”s and you play dead. You swallow the noise. And sometimes it doesn’t matter who is speaking to you, it doesn’t matter if they’re a friend, it doesn’t matter if their criticism is constructive, it doesn’t matter. You’ve learned. Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice, any insult and you play dead.”

— Good Girl, Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)

[the-midnight-in-me]

"Heard" Umbra for the first time in a while, just now.

Thought I was feeling maybe a little better the last couple of days but I guess not.

[the-midnight-in-me]

I should probably ask them to up my dose. I know I should. I'm just so defeated that this wasn't already enough. Am I just going to have to take this shit forever until I die?

[the-midnight-in-me]

I don't think I'm okay right now.

I am exhausted all the time. I'm angry. I'm apathetic. I want to withdraw. I want to hide away in my house and bury myself in video games and not interact with anyone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to be perceived. I've put on 30 lbs in six months and I know I shouldn't care about that but I suddenly do. My clothes don't fit anymore--not even the larger stuff I just recently bought. I am so tired. I don't want to cook. I don't want to think. I don't want to leave my house. I feel like a joke. I am so out of my depth. I shouldn't be doing this job. I am not good enough to be doing this job. I don't have the experience. I don't have the knowledge. I just want to lie in bed and disappear.

My pets deserve better. My dog deserves better. Everyone deserves better. Fuck fuck FUCK. I was doing so well. What changed? The days have been getting longer. I should be in the clear. I should be on the upturn. What the fuck is wrong with me?

[the-midnight-in-me]

Not me having a full blown meltdown first thing this morning over an email from the leeches who approve our expense reports

I suspect I forgot to take my prozac yesterday morning and it's a little alarming to think one missed dose would cause that sort of rebound.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Another Christmas in the books.

As far as rankings go, it was far from the worst. But it wouldn't be Christmas if Mom wasn't on her pity party bs.

Apparently her pastor shot her attention whoring nonsense down the night before and "ruined her favorite service". No girl, your surgery getting postponed a couple of weeks is not a sign that your god "hates" you, be for real. How much of a narc do you need to be to think you're that important to a god that he'd go out of his way to fuck with you like that. And of course now that her pastor made her angry, she started accusing him of all sorts of shit. Idk why she's wasting her time smear campaigning someone I literally do not know or care to know, but lol.

It gets better. Apparently my aunt had a mini stroke last week and mom literally accused her of faking it because she was jealous of mom's upcoming knee surgery? And she made a comment about her "talking like a [slur]" whenever she's looking for sympathy. Holy projections, batman. Took all of my self control to keep from pointing out that she LITERALLY does the voice thing, too. On top of all that, girl is practically bragging about starving herself right now. If you're worried about it, then eat you fucking clown. It's clearly on your mind which means you're consciously doing this to yourself. If it's not one self-destructive habit, it's another.

I am SO SICK of her crap.

[the-midnight-in-me]

The irony of tariff trump voters complaining that their family cut them off

My republican grandma hasn't spoken to me in nearly a year bc I didn't do enough to reassure her that the one-time $500 UAW check she got wouldn't push her out of her welfare programs. 🙄

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

Every fucking year it's something with this fucking bitch.

I didn't ask you to take me to see the broadway Lion King. I don't need a hysterical phone call from you the night before because you're too stupid to load a QR code on your phone, and I especially don't need you to casually mention that you blew $400 on the tickets, and now you expect to be chauffeured and I'll have to be the one trying to find a parking space in downtown in the pitch black of night, etc. I literally thought we were just going to go see Mufasa. I had no idea she meant the broadway bs. I NEVER would have agreed to this had I known before she bought the tickets. For one, I'm not really interested, and two, I would have realized how quick she would be to rub my nose in how much she spent on it. Note to self: Stop being stupid and agreeing to letting her do ANYTHING for your birthday. You KNOW it always turns into a stupid dramafest with her.

[the-midnight-in-me]

reasons i haven’t replied back:

- i’m socially exhausted - i don’t have the time right now - i don’t know how to reply - i have a bad memory and got distracted - i’m having a depressive episode and don’t have the energy to socialise

not reasons i haven’t replied back:

- i’m ignoring you just because - i hate you - i’m fed up with you - i don’t want to be your friend anymore

[the-midnight-in-me]

There's nothing more for me

Lead me away

Or leave me lying here

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]

[the-midnight-in-me]