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sarcasticsweetlara · 6 months ago

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If The World Ends We Go Together

Hunger Games au! District 7 Rebel! Jihoon x Female District 7 Rebel! Reader

Summary: Jihoon and you knew how to survive together, it was simple and steadfast, all throughout the years since your childhood to the harvest of tributes to the beginning of the Rebellion. You meant to keep it that way, even if it meant ignoring your feelings, but how long can it last as the dangers around you make you question how you could ever live without Jihoon?

Warning and Contents: Suspense, friends to lovers, both Jihoon and Reader think being in a relationship will put them in danger. Fluff. Reader is taller than Jihoon. Reader has aphasia (mutism due to damage to the brain language centers) and Jihoon and her communicate mostly through sign language. Jihoon with an axe; Bisexual! reader (if you are biphobic then dni), Reader with dark skin, appearances of Park Sunyoung of F(x) and Seokmin, Minghao and Seungkwan of SVT. Blood, non graphic flashback of a beating as a child, fights with guns and knives, hunting, Jihoon and reader hunt a bear together; burnings, almost drowning, and not accurate mention of CPR.

- xxx - oral dialogue

"xxx" sign language

*xxx* written notes

{xxx} flashback

Word count: 11,251

Image credit to: @vitaminkyeom

This is Part of the SVT CATCHING FIRE COLLABORATION

Playlist: Born to die - Lana del Rey; Ruby - Woozi; Cardigan - Taylor Swift; Snow on the beach - Taylor Swift; All my love - SVT; Dust - SVT Vocal Unit; What Kind of Future - Woozi; Die with a smile - Lady Gaga & Bruno Mars; Cinnamon Girl - Lana del Rey; Find you - Ruelle; War of Hearts - Ruelle; Margaret- Lana del Rey

MY MASTERLIST

Epilogue

You would never say you were a doctor. As much as you knew how to avoid certain herbs in case someone tried to poison you, how to brew concoctions and remedies, you could never truly diagnose someone.

That’s why at this moment, you were mad at Jihoon.

He had brought over to your shared home/office whose space could barely fit two people, a little girl whose bleeding left eye needed a specialist not a mere learning herbalist of medical plants.

- She needs the care Y/n, I wouldn't ask you if I wasn't sure you can handle it - while you were flattered by his words it also conveyed a little self-doubt given you barely knew how to keep people alive and how to heal some ailments, but you guessed you would have to act quick to help the poor child who did not deserve at all what happened to her.

And that’s how you found yourself going over the books you had stolen from a rebellious doctor killed by peacekeepers.

The book seemed to have more than 1000 pages and even if you were not an expert on how to treat eye ailings you really wanted to help her.

Finally you landed on the page you needed and tilting your head while turning to look at Jihoon you signaled for him to lay the girl on the small bed of your room that actually only fitted two persons so you had to move carefully to not startle her and not drop your herbs while you took your time analyzing the words to understand them better.

You put the bottles you were carrying on Jihoon’s hands and squeezed his hands turned fists to assure him of how important they were… and of course they were since inside of them were many ingredients essential for this specific concoction; sitting on your small desk you began chopping ingredients one by one signaling for Jihoon to put them back in place, then a while after giving your new patient a glass of water for her to drink as you put all of them together on a pot letting it boil with half a cup of water, adding on them a drop of another bottle you turned to look at the girl again but this time you saw the look on Jihoon’s face as well, he was staring at your little patient in an aloof way as if he was remembering something.

You couldn’t help but grimace. You knew what Jihoon was reminiscing, you woke him from his stupor touching his shoulder and indicating with a nod for him to take a seat by your side, as he sat, you moved to gently open her left eye and drop with a small dispenser two drops of the concoction you prepared.

"I'm here" Jihoon blinked and you made sure he looked at your eyes as you admonished him. "You are fine, I am fine" your hands were steady and your eyes never left his, your gazes were locked untilJihoon blinked again and sighed and let his head fall in the air.

"I know" he lifted his head as he signed "It's just" his hands were trembling "it's so unfair, she's only a child!" He signed quickly, which indicated how frustrated Jihoon felt.

"But you helped her" you squeezed his hands "she will be fine" Jihoon finally relaxed his posture and squeezed your hands back as he gave you a small smile. Jihoon didn't like touching people, but with you it was different, it always was.

It was fair to say that since meeting Jihoon and his father who worked as lumberjacks, your best friend Sunyoung and you were amazed by Jihoon's skills with the axe and soon the three of you became friends, while Sunyoung preferred to watch his axe skills and learn how to climb trees and create traps, and Jihoon knew how to defend himself with an axe you learned how to brew remedies.

It was hard for Sunyoung and you to read and be aware of your surroundings since at a young age you both had been beaten by a peacekeeper which ended up costing your abilities to speak and to keep balance and fully comprehend reading and writing, but soon Sunyoung and you learned how to ground yourselves through touching things, while Sunyoung always carried leave bracelets and anklets to ground herself by touching them you did the same but with a small chunk of wood. You would never admit it but it was one of the parts of the log Jihoon had once cut (also because you had fallen and spent a long while trying to get up as you felt you no longer had equilibrium).

You used it as a necklace and below your clothes, so that no one would try to take it from you.

"What do you think?" Sunyoung asked you as both of you were in her cozy room preparing to head out for work and Sunyoung was discarding what to wear that would not make the peacekeepers pay her any mind, right now she was wearing a new leather jacket she most likely had made for herself while you laid on her bed playing with her covers. As you pretended to ponder Sunyoung gave you a small pout which made you chuckle and in the end you gave her thumbs up in approval.

"It's good, you outdid yourself this time" Sunyoung grinned and with that you headed out towards the forest, you worked as part of the lumberjacking industry and helped move the wood logs to the factories. Since people older than 18 were no longer able to present as tributes, and therefore couldn't get more food according to how many times you wrote your name in the baskets, you had to work for Panem now to buy a little bit of food, though only the Capitol and the Privileged Districts truly ever got the gains of the labour.

Once you got to the forest you caught a glimpse of Jihoon as he was flexing his biceps to finish cutting a tree, before he could see your flustered expression you turned around to take the first logs to the factory as Sunyoung smirked at you teasingly while you rolled your eyes at her antics .

“Don't get lost admiring Jihoon’s muscles, focus on earnings money right now” she playfully moved her fingers “after all you can always see them when you two are together” that last statement which made you smack her arm as she cackled and your eyes popped up for her implication.

“Jihoon and I are just friends” you declared

“Best friends who want to kiss each other” Sunyoung attacked

“That's not true, and you better focus on your work if you want us to go back home without any punishments or beating” your hands were firm as you gestured with your eyes to the peacekeepers who were always eager to give punishments.” You warned her as the peacekeepers were looking at you

“Okay mom” she scoffed.

It was not as if you never fell asleep hoping to one day feel his lips on yours, of course not.

As you kept doing your part of the job: transporting piles of logs to the factory around 10 to 20 times per a day, you noticed the peacekeepers growing restless as they kept getting close to all the workers.

- I NEED YOU ALL TO LISTEN NOW! - One of the peacekeepers shouted when you were amid your 18th takeover making you still - There will be a curfew tonight, so when you are finished go back home immediately! There will be no considerations!- You looked around the area to catch Sunyoung but she beat you to it as she touched your elbow and then your shoulder.

"Don't worry about me, I will take the shortway, focus on going home soon". You wanted to argue and tell her you would take her but then her roommate Minghao approached you.

- It's okay Y/N, we will leave together, I won't leave her. -

Once you finished Jihoon and you got on his car to go back home and as soon as you arrived the two of you nodded, the agreement to bar everything and keep an eye on your weapons and the door, you held your revolver while Jihoon angled the rifle to fit between his toned arms... And wait, until the frequency in the radio finally changed. News about the Rebellion.

The rebels had found new ways to communicate indoors as protests and actions were done outside.

- We will mobilize from district to district- an off and cracky voice mumbled.

- You all need to keep this secret so listen carefully, start the journey towards District 13, grab maps to guide yourselves and take everything you need, but beware any peacekeeper, be as discreet as you can, District 13 will receive us as refugees, they have the power to end the Capitol from within, if we burn they will burn with us.-

Jihoon and you looked at each other, you would need to act carefully from now on.

The next day, as you were with Sunyoung you were tense, you felt as if the surveillance had increased by the amount of peacekeepers watching over you. There were 5 more than the usual 3. But even then, that didn't stop you from getting to quietly retreat further into the forest and find Sunyoung who was sitting in a wood log across Minghao, Jihoon and Seokmin. You waved at them and they returned it while Sunyoung acknowledged you with a nod as she turned to look at you.

"Did you listen to the radio last night? Many rebels are heading towards District 13 to join Katniss Everdeen" Sunyoung exclaimed. "We will need to leave in a few days - Seokmin looked around to see if there was someone close to you." The other day I heard a group of rebels who plan on making a trap to kill peacekeepers this week, it's risky but the distraction will buy us time to escape.

"It will" Sunyoung chuckled while grinning. "I helped creating it, it will give them a surprise in the mines"

"We can do this" Minghao signed, expanding his hands widely. "but we need to be discreet and gather everything we can, as soon as possible."

"I say we do this in a week, that will give us time once the trap is set."

"What do you think of this Jihoon?" You walked towards him to touch him with a wood stick as Jihoon looked at his shoes while leaning against a tree, he lifted his gaze to meet yours holding his head high to look at you and then sigh.

"We need to bring weapons with us “

...

As you had promised it, a week later the journey towards District 13 was set off. You were going to take different routes, Seokmin, Sunyoung and Minghao went together, with Jihoon and you then following 2 days after. It had been decided like that so you could cover for them in your shifts and deviate attention.

"Take care" were the last words Sunyoung said to you after hugging you tightly and leaving in the dawn.

After the trap set in the mine lands peacekeepers were less than before and that was an advantage and Jihoon and you started the journey then. However the already set beginning was delayed when the peacekeepers saw Jihoon getting into the forest when he wanted to get rid of the traps and beat him up, taking him to jail, he was only able to communicate with you by using the radio he always hid in his jacket.

-Y/n, in short words I'm in prison, they caught me when I was trying to destroy the traps, I need you to get me out of here. - when you listened to his words back at home you were horrified, remembering how creative the peacekeepers could get when it came to punishing citizens.

So here you were, sneaking into their District prison at night one week after he had been captured, wanting to memorize the place and know its weak points. You had managed to get in through a cord and a window and slithered until you saw the back of a peacekeeper. Slowly you got close to him and hit his head with a baseball bat, after taking his gun and his keys you looked for Jihoon, not minding the whistles from the other prisoners and when you saw his hair your waved your hand that was carrying the keys to him making him aware you were here for him. After opening his cell and hugging him you two went back home where you were attending to his wounds. As he hissed when you were cleaning a cut in his cheek you felt a little dizzy so you had to exhale and touch the edge on the little raspy gray sofa you were on to calm yourself.

“Sorry”

“Don't be sorry, I would still do it” Jihoon refused “if anything I'm sorry for worrying you.” he apologized

“Don't say that, I actually liked getting to hit a peacekeeper and taking his gun.” You chuckled at the sweet memory earning a laugh from Jihoon as well.

“You know with me escaping they will be looking for us, right?” he asked after some minutes but you two already knew the answer.

“Then we have to get everything ready for tomorrow.”

And that is how the next day you two sneaked through a barb wire border to avoid being seen by the peacekeepers. You were carrying a map and a dagger in your backpack alongside other tools, like binoculars, books, needles and lighters, while you were no warrior you knew a stab could be lethal and with Jihoon's guiding you at least knew how to hurt someone who tried to harm you, and he was carrying an axe alongside the gun you had stolen. Which was useful when you used one of the bombs Minghao designed to get rid of the peacekeepers of the border of the district.

The rebellion had started as all of you had seen how Katniss Everdeen had won the 74th Hunger Games alongside Peeta Mellark and displayed an attitude and compassion that soon became the symbol of resistance: Hope, in the form of the mockingbird.

The rebels had begun communicating through radios and in one moment, District 13 was able to communicate back and give instructions on what to do to defeat and overthrow Snow as well as indications about what to expect before the coup could be started.

Both Jihoon and you admired Katniss, after having to bury your last relatives due to starvation and the abuse of the peacekeepers, he was all you had left, and you wanted to protect him as much as possible. Even if you sometimes disagreed it was worth it as Jihoon had become your rock after all the years you spent together.

"Here you go" Jihoon gave you a piece of meat he had brought after hunting and you set a fire to heat yourselves as the autumn was starting to fade into winter. "It's deer meat, I hunted it, you should have seen me" He said with a smug smile.

"Show-off" you chuckled as you munched it and he laughed.

"Did you bring your concoctions?"

"Of course I did," you scoffed. "How else are we going to survive? I also brought my books in any case"

"That's good"

As you got up, you got dizzy and almost fell but you touched your shins with a hand while your dominant one went for the leaf necklace, tapping it three times to regain balance. Jihoon slowly showed you his hand, when you recovered you lifted your gaze and thanked him as he finally reached out for your hand and laid the dagger on your palm, squeezing your other hand which made you fluster but you hoped it would not be obvious with the little light of the sun in that moment that your cheeks had a garnet tone now as you lowered your gaze and walked hastily past Jihoon while he set the fire off and you continued marching.

As what you thought were 2 weeks passed you could conclude that the sky view was beautiful, getting to see the blue sky and the high mountains with no stop was a blessing and Jihoon and you frequently ended up admiring it, back home no one had the time and even less the idea of looking up to the sky, and even if the circumstances were not the best, you loved sharing these moments with Jihoon as you also admired his profile during the afternoons.

"How do you think the others are?" He asked you one night as you both stared into the fire lit in front of your mini camp.

"I hope they are okay, though probably Seokmin and Sunyoung must be talking a lot for Minghao" you said giggling at the thought of the two golden retrievers talking non-stop. Jihoon laughed and smiled at you as you settled into a quiet atmosphere, the flames were the only sound in the forest, letting you see the crisps in the air which made Jihoon's skin shine and in Jihoon's mind it made your russet skin glow as well.

You never admitted it since you were always focused on protecting the both of you, but you harbored feelings for Jihoon, it was love, which made you even more alert to any risks. You never thought about the possibility but the fact you two were doing this journey together made you realize even more how much you wanted to protect Jihoon.

“The sky looks beautiful this evening” Jihoon’s fingers emulated an explosion at his statement and it was true, it was a combination of orange, red and pink, secretly he thought that the colors in the sky made you look like an angel but that was a thought for himself as the red tones in the air and the forest gave you an air of a fairy in his mind.

“It is” you agreed, looking above as well and then your gaze shifted to look at him.

"Have you thought about what we will do when we get to District 13 Hoon?" You asked him with shaking hands hoping he doesn't see how you've suddenly gotten nervous.

"I guess" His fingers get fidgety "We can finally join the Rebellion and fight against Snow." You mentally palmed yourself at his answer, though you agreed with the plan, you meant what would happen with your lives after that.

"Yes, but what else will we do once everything is done?" Your eyes are focused on his. "We can get to live freely" He says after a while. "We could build a new house and have all the things we always wanted" you gestured quickly. "Create the garden you wanted and plant new kinds of plants." Your heart is beating fast as you look at him and gulp. "That would be nice" he says calmly as you keep staring at each other.

"We could still keep our weapons, just in any case" he chuckles, his eyes still on you. "Of course we can"

"And ... " He pauses, his lips trembling "get a new fresh start"

"You are right, for you and I" you wrapped up as you got closer to the fire to get more heat for your hands.

...

Three more weeks passed as you traveled when you came across a river whose current waters were flowing swiftly and gushingly fast in what seemed to be the border with District 9, and you had to think about how to cross it without damaging the radio Jihoon was carrying.

"You could keep your backpack and jacket above the water and in any case it gets wet then we put it into rice" you stated which made Jihoon hesitantly agree.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh

"Ready?" Jihoon asked as you both were about to dive into the cold water.

"Readier than ever" and then you jumped, the water splashing on the surface and then Jihoon jumped as well.

‘Splash! Splash!’

The current was strong, you could not deny it, and it was hard to advance but you could not give up just now, as you kept yourself floating on the backpack you turned to look at Jihoon who was focused on his own task and then noticed the zipper of his jacket on the backpack that contained the radio was open and you lowered your head to see that indeed the radio was flowing down the river, which made you discard your own backpack to dive further into the water to retrieve it.

Swimming below water was not easier either, but you had to try and were close to catching it but as soon as you got it in your hand pulling it close to your chest you let out a breath which made you swallow water prompting you to cough and sink more into the water, you tried to swim above but your strength failed you and you could feel more air leaving you; you cursed yourself for failing Jihoon and not being able to keep going and were closing your eyes when a gush of water came in your direction. Jihoon. He had stopped swimming when your backpack collided against him prompting him to look for you and then realize his jacket was open and the radio was missing.

As soon as he spotted you he grabbed you from your shirt and impulsing himself with strength but care as he swam the both of you above the water and towards your backpacks, tying them tightly to support your weight upon them closing the jacket zipper, your limbs were longer than his which made him keep a distance to not end up drowning the two of you; once you were finally on the other side and finally on the District 9, dragging you to lay on the soil he made pressure on your chest to make first aid and expel the water from your lungs, as well as doing mouth to mouth resuscitation which he was not sure about but thought maybe could help.

Jihoon sighed in relief when he saw your chest rising up but frowned when he saw your lips and nails were turning gray, and he then remembered that was a sign of hypothermia from what you had told him once, so he was quick to pull you out of your cold damp clothes and covering your body with blankets after he started a fire to keep you warm. Jihoon would not let you leave him, he would protect you.

As Jihoon pulled your clothes from you he turned around to respect your privacy and tried to do it as quickly as possible to then place you in the two warm blankets. The newly begun fire was warm enough for now but then he would need to go for more logs. Good idea to bring his axe. However, he wanted to make sure at first that you were okay as you had fallen unconscious after being able to breathe. While sleeping you looked peaceful, from your parted lips to your eyelashes and garnet cheeks and the glow of your russet skin. Admitting to himself that he was in love with you was already hard enough, Jihoon didn't want to lose more people he cared about after his dad had been murdered by peacekeepers for daring work when there had been a curfew years ago; you were the only thing he had left and didn't want to lose you over feelings he was not sure would truly work out in a relationship and then you two drifting apart and dying away from each other.

No, Jihoon was completely fine with denying his feelings if that meant you two stayed together alive.

...

{Jihoon and you had met when you were both kids, you were 7 and he was 5, and it seems your very first encounter had already determined what your future dynamic would be.

You had stolen a slice of bread from one of the peacekeepers who had actually taken it from your friend Sunyoung and had hit her in the head leaving her unconscious for a week and from thereafter mute.

Your plan was simple, you wanted to distract him by sending a dog to chase him while you took the bread. But you never counted with him coming back so quickly, in your defense you would say the 7 year-old you barely knew about the running time of an adult thus you were surprised when he yanked you by your hair to the floor before you could even truly go away, at the end of the day you learned how he had left Sunyoung unconscious as he hit you with a metal tube over and over again.

Sunyoung and you gained more scars for life and you knew you had to always check every detail now. It was during your unconscious days that Jihhon came into your life. Jihoon and his father worked as lumberjacks and he usually sold log charges to people, and when he gave a charge to your father he saw the state you were in, all sprawled over your bed in the living room, seeing you like that stirred something in Jihoon's heart and that led him to teach your dad how to place the logs in a way the fire would keep itself and draw heat towards your sleeping silhouette; that had been the same advice he had given to the family of Sunyoung before, when her parents had told you about the kind boy who helped keep Sunyoung warm during her most vulnerable moments had melted your heart, just like Jihoon did when your parents told him why it was you now who was unconscious.

When a month passed after you woke up and Sunyoung was visiting you with her parents, Sunyoung and you were seated resting and when your mother called your name you noticed there were 2 people with her, she told you Jihoon was the lumberjack who helped both of you to survive your unconscious slumbers each one, when Jihoon tried to give you a writing of his working technique he frowned at seeing neither Sunyoung nor you were truly reading, to you it was like the letters were there but could not actually make any sense of it, therefore Jihoon opted for teaching you through watching.

- This is what you have to do -Jihoon said while placing a log of wood on the grass of the yard of your house, as he tilted his head he looked at Sunyoung and you.

- You might need to step aside - as Sunyoung and you looked at each other you did as he told you.

CHOP

The wood log was now split in two logs, they had cuts on the edges from where Jihoon cut it, your eyes were widened in surprise, you had never seen something similar, and to you it was the coolest did ever which made you give Jihoon the widest smile you could master making him smile in the process as well.

Since that day Jihoon and you became friends and made the promise you would always keep each other safe, which eventually made the two of you develop feelings for one another.}

‘Crack crack crack’

The sound of a fire aroused you from your sleep and made you shift your weight on your left side, making you groan when you could no longer fall asleep and reluctantly open your eyes slowly, frowning when you saw the night sky and the forest and hear owls tweeting, you turned your head to the right side and then saw Jihoon asleep on his own mattress across the fire, as well as the radio put in a rice cup and your clothes drying themselves in the branches of some tree which startled you once you became completely self-aware at the realization you were only covered by a blanket and that must likely Jihoon had to do it, which then made you cover your face with the covers. Great. Now how would you look him in the eyes after this?

If Sunyoung was here she would never let you live it down by teasing you. You thanked whatever deity was up there for at least sparing you that shame.

But not enough since the deed was already done. What bothered you was the fact of how embarrassing the situation was and that you nearly could have put Jihoon at risk, it was not like you weren't grateful but you just wished the circumstances for you lying like this had not affected him.

A shiver in your back interrupted your thoughts though making you hold the blanket tighter and then you saw how there was a gray tone to your nails, you then realized Jihoon had acted quickly to keep you warm. You cheesily thought it worked as more warmth settled on your chest then. He really took care of you.

You really were lucky to be here with him, and with that new warmth on your chest you fell asleep again.

Once the dawn broke you felt a hand stroking your right cheek making you drowsily open your eyes as Jihoon's warm fingers quickly left your skin.

"Sorry" he fidgeted and quickly drifted his stare away making you chuckle.

“It's okay” you stretched a little and then remembered you needed to put new clothes on and moved your hand through the soil beneath you to catch his attention and when he did you gestured for him to pass new clothes to you.

“Yeah, sorry, I will turn around so you can change”

As a headache was beginning to form you focused on the tweeting of the birds and how the wind felt against your hair and skin while putting your clothes on, once you finished you got out of the blankets and finally stretched all your limbs which had been a little numb in the end groaning as your kneecaps rattled.

As you walked towards your wet clothes Jihoon turned around and grabbed your wrist earning himself a questioning glare from you down to his face as you felt his warm skin against your cold one and he picked up your fingers extending them enough so you could see your nails still were gray. You had hypothermia.

“We can not leave yet, you need to get warm enough to recover”

You tried to protest but Jihoon lifted a hand making you stop.

“You almost drowned and I had to resuscitate you so you could breathe so if I say we need to wait for you to recover then we do it.” He declared and above his deep stare you felt yourself complying, even if you did not want to admit it. And he felt the need to make you understand because he had been so scared, you almost died leaving him alone and that was an experience he did not want to repeat.

“But what will we do then? Our arrival will be late, our friends are waiting for us.” you exclaimed.

“That doesn't matter” he rebuked “You need to be healthy and I will not risk it” it was then that you knew Jihoon was being serious. “We will stay here until you are healthy enough”

Easier said than done.

While Jihoon could use your books to look at the plants and see the instructions on how to prepare remedies he was not an expert at cooking but during 3 weeks he did what he could which you thanked him for as he made the efforts to do this for you.

“Hoon” you signed the shortened version of his sign “I think we could try to keep going, I've gotten better” which was true, your nails and lips were no longer grey “we can keep marching and in any case stop to see a doctor in District 9.”

“I'm not sure y/n” he rebuked

“But I am sure Jihoon” you insisted, “we could find some more herbs, the entire district is big enough to hide and take care of ourselves” you pleaded looking into his eyes that it was fine and that you desperately needed to keep going. Shutting his eyes and exhaling Jihoon finally gave in and let himself fall into your arms and as you rubbed his back you deepened the embrace not wanting to let go of him.

“Okay, but I’ll let you know if something goes wrong then I will say I told you so” he scoffed as you grinned at him. Jihoon may not admit it but he loved watching you smile, maybe that's why Seokmin and Minghao always pointed at him when you did it.

And that's how you two started marching again in search of wheat, edible fruits and somewhere to stay while you measured the unguarded areas of the District.

“I think we can get to sleep in an abandoned house, what do you think?” You inquired

“That is if we ever get to find an abandoned house first, we need to simply find an abandoned alley” was his answer which made you roll your eyes.

You walked and walked, only stopping to pick some fruits “you never know, Hoon” you told him when he stared at you questioningly.

And you kept leading the way, it was not that boring, actually it was nice to look at the sky and walk side by side in silence and admire how the sunlight made the trees look redder and more abundant.

“The sunset looks beautiful, don't you think? You exclaimed with your back in front of him, and Jihoon held his breath, he couldn't see your face but looking at how your figure was embraced by the light and the breeze made his face heat. An adorable view, even more adorable when you turned to look at him.

“Yes, it looks beautiful” he signed quickly at you. Your eyes were connected and you could feel like you were drowning in his chocolate eyes, feeling as if they took the air from you.

“It is” you straightened your relaxed position “for the meanwhile we can start another fire to sleep here” it was an abrupt change of topic but you needed it.

“Sure” Jihoon answered, scolding himself for blurting out like that.

…

The next day after Jihoon slept on Heejin's couch and you on the floor, you inspected the map to guide yourselves in where to go now as you were eating breakfast on the table.

-You should go northeast - Heejin's voice woke you up from your focused state making Jihoon and you looked at her as she walked down the hall, she had seen you from the end of the hall struggling to understand the map while Jihoon rubbed your back and gave you water.

-If you are going to District 6 then you should march to the northeast, it's the least watched part of this District - She mentioned

-How can we be sure?- was Jihoon’s answer-question which made you frown at him.

-Just like I was sure I would trust you to stay with me, also, I have friends there who could house you, it's a green colored house with an apothecary, it's in a mountain next to a river, you would be arriving there in 2 weeks - Jihoon had to admit that was a good answer.

In the end Jihoon and you agreed to listen to her and started marching.

“She was cute” you told him once you spent 1 hour walking

“I think she was average” Jihoon quickly signed, dismissing your flattering of the woman.

“Okay, I guess we all have different opinions, but don't worry, you are handsomer than her if that's what worries you.” You chuckled as you saw Jihoon’s arms flexing as he stopped for a while to tie his backpack tighter, but at your words Jihoon suffered a shortcut at you thinking he was handsome. Jihoon knew he was an attractive guy but seeing you think the same hit harder than ever before.

You turned around when you saw he was not walking next to you, finding he was looking at you perplexed.

“I mean” you nervously shifted “you don't need to compare yourself to anyone, and trust me when I say you are handsome not only because I'm your friend but also because you are very handsome, stunning and strong” you felt you were digging your own grave as you just rambled in front of him hiding your face with your hands, uncovering it when you heard Jihoon's steps and semi-lifting your head.

-Thank you, you are kind y/n and I do believe you.”

At his words you gave him a small smile and hugged him, as his tiny frame was wrapped by your arms he felt himself smiling as well by how affectionate you were and the fact he loved having all your attention for himself.

When you separated from him you quickly composed yourself.

“Sorry, but also thank you for everything Jihoon, like saving me from drowning and having taken care of me.” you looked at your shoes.

“It's okay, I would do it again if I had to.” Jihoon would always make you swoon more than anyone else.

As the days passed you finally found yourselves in front of the house of Seungkwan, Heejin's friend.

Though Seungkwan was not amused with the idea of sharing his house.

-I'm not into sharing my things so keep your hands to yourselves and follow my rules: 1. You eat when I cook 2. You will share the guest room 3. You will help me with my plants while you stay here, that's the only way you will get wheat to survive once you leave. - even though it didn't amuse you either to follow so many rules you knew you had to follow them if you wanted somewhere to sleep plus food.

“Don't worry, it'll be over before we notice” Jihoon tried to comfort you when Seungkwan went back to his apothecary he noticed your distress over having to stay for more time than you anticipated at first but it was necessary if you wanted to survive the winter so you would stay here for at least 1 to 2 weeks.

“It’s okay, I guess this is a chance for me to learn how to harvest, right?” You mentioned, trying to lighten up the mood.

Entering Seungkwan’s apothecary was nice, there were so many kinds of plants, drawings and concoctions in his shelves, and many plant books in his battered table.

-What are you doing here?- you got startled at the sudden voice of Seungkwan but quickly grabbed your notebook to respond to him.

*I'm sorry, I just was curious about your apothecary.*

-Well go be curious somewhere else unless you seriously like apothecary- his words were blunt and dry but you beamed shrugging at the last statement.

-Do you really like plants?- Seungkwan questioned in surprise and you nodded with a smile.

-Ok then you can observe - Seungkwan hummed - but don't touch anything.- He warned.

-I won't - you typed down and resumed your activity of trying to identify the different kinds of plants around you, and tilting your head you tried to focus on the words on the book to comprehend what it said about harvesting and health. You truly would learn how to harvest now.

2 days later Seungkwan let you borrow one of his books and sows after pleading for hours with the condition of returning the book once you were done.

…

Spinach, radish and carrots were aplenty in his greenhouse, and if Seungkwan was going to give you some of his harvest to survive then Jihoon and you would return the favor by helping him harvest more, and of course you would take this opportunity to learn more about harvest and make concoctions.

-Remind me to always travel with you from now on- Jihoon whispered amazed at how many pots you had already sowed.(5 which in your opinion was low).

“No, this is nothing.” You replied unsure

-Are you kidding me?- He blurted out -this is awesome! You do have a green thumb y/n- simple flattery.

-He’s right- now it was Seungkwan too -you are doing well, your boyfriend is only telling the truth- Boyfriend? Did Seungkwan think Jihoon and you were dating?

-What?- Seungkwan asked when he saw how the two of you froze in your tracks -I thought you two were a couple, aren't you?- he arched an eyebrow

Why couldn't you answer? It was simple, you were not a couple, just friends.

-Well then, you two are just very close friends, never mind- and with that Seungkwan focused on his other pots to your left.

-So, uh, - Jihoon cleared his throat “This is a good job” He told you even though his eyes were not meeting your eyes.

“Thanks Hoon” you also didn't meet his eyes.

As more days passed you could slowly see the growing of the plants which delighted you, and in turn delighted Jihoon too.

Seungkwan was perceptive about your bond being a really close one, if it was one way or another he was happy for the two of you.

Later on after you ate dinner Jihoon and you were out in the forest hunting, as winter got nearer every day you would need coats to endure the cold weather.

“Hunting down a bear will be enough” you were nervous about doing this, but you needed to do this and Jihoon was here so you had faith he knew what to do.

Jihoon was crouching on the ground where he set a trap with goose meat and fish.

-Alright, this will attract them.- He stood up and walked further from the trap with your gun in his hands.

An hour passed before Jihoon and you heard a growl in the distance which made you both tense in awareness, and then the bear slowly got close as he smelled the goose and fish (Jihoon identified the bear as a male) and grunted, however he soon felt something was off as he lifted a big paw and growled once again coming close to where Jihoon and you were standing, Jihoon was ready to shoot if it came to it signaling for you to move away so you would not get hurt, but then the bear lifted himself in his rear paws and his growl made Jihoon slip and dropping the gun which alerted the bear eliciting more grunts and growls as he put his paws back on the soil and ran towards him but you whistled calling his attention and waving to him as you ran further from him making snarl and growl at you giving Jihoon time to take the gun and stand up once again shooting the bear in the back before he had the chance to attack you, however the blood still got to splash on your clothes which left you shocked staring at Jihoon.

-Do not ever do that again- He scolded you as you only could breathe out your relief.

Back at Seungkwan's house you received another lecture to both of you. To Jihoon for not paying attention to where his feet were standing, and to you for having been so reckless in drawing a bear’s attention towards you.

“I'm sorry but back at the moment I didn't know what else to do” you rambled and Jihoon was the one to translate to Seungkwan as you were in front of Seungkwan's house with the body of the bear.

-Be more careful next time, I don't want the death of 2 people in my subconscious. - Seungkwan bemoaned as he saw you two skinning the bear making him gag in disgust.

-Do not worry, if it ever happens again when we are with you we will be more careful then - Jihoon blurted out.

-Thank you, now don't make me regret having you guys here- Seungkwan mumbled as he entered his house to sleep the thought of your hand skinning the bear away.

That night after you went to sleep the events that occured that evening did not leave you alone, images of the bear getting to and slashing at Jihoon did not sleep at all, prompting you to wake up after you dreamt with the bear. From your position on the floor you saw Jihoon sleeping, and you sighed at seeing he was okay, he was still alive. You knew Jihoon was skilled in shooting but the experience of this day of seeing him face such a beast had shakened you but it seemed he was okay.

However Jihoon was not okay, he stirred in his sleep and woke up when he could not forget the memories of you putting yourself in danger to save him, he had hunted plenty of times before but this time he got so worried about you getting hurt that he did not fully register where his feet stood nor checked if the material was secured enough, and as he woke up he noticed you were up as well and sighed waving at you and you let out a breath you were holding.

“I'm glad you are okay” Jihoon said

“Me too, I will never doubt your skill with a gun ever again” You replied

“Wait, did you ever doubt me?” He questioned your reply, astonished.

“No” you quickly reassured him “but today made me see you can handle anything. I just got worried, but I'm glad we got to hunt today” Jihoon chuckled and you did as well.

“We make a good team, you can not deny it”

“True” Jihoon acknowledged it “let's just plan out any scenarios from now on, don't you think?”

“Yeah” You breathed out, taking in his face, you leaned your body towards him and Jihoon cupped your face, and in a matter of seconds his soft lips were on yours, you were breathing into each other and your lips engaged in a chase for each other, Jihoon gave you repeated small pecks and you caressed his cheeks. When you pulled away you stared into his eyes and smiled at him which he returned.

The next day however, Jihoon and you were happily pretending the kiss never happened, and were acting as if it was any other day and in a silent agreement you would never talk about it again dismissing it as a result of the adrenaline of the day. It was not because of feelings.

As the days passed soon Jihoon and you had gathered everything you needed to keep going, which meant it was time to say goodbye to Seungkwan.

-Thank you for receiving us and having left us sow plants to compensate for what we took from you- Jihoon was translating for you to Seungkwan as you thanked him for everything he had done for you these days. -Oh, and also thank you for not kicking us out after you saw us skin a bear- Jihoon snickered as Seungkwan scoffed.

-I’m still traumatized, you two owe me therapy, you know- Seungkwan whined but even then he could not hide his smile -Also, of you two are going where I think you're going then take this- he took from his pocket a mockingbird pendant handing it over to you - you are gonna need it- you couldn't say you were surprised Seungkwan was part of the Rebellion and that you two were part of it as well, clenching your fist you put it into your backpack, its meaning bigger than you could ever know about.

-Wait but- Jihoon grimaced - do you not want to come with us? - He questioned

-I have a duty to protect my parents’ house and my District, I do not judge you but my fight is here- Seungkwan answered and his answer made sense, he needed to protect his home.

-Either way, thanks for everything Seungkwan, it was a pleasure- Jihoon sincerely thanked him.

-It was an honor to have you here, minus the bear of course - you would miss his sass.

…

Jihoon and you had advanced enough now to get close to the train station of District 9 which transported wheat to the center of District 6. The plan was simple: you would have to jump to the train while it was moving.

Its reigns were moving quickly as the smoke of its motors flowed through the air.

“I go first” you commanded. Running backwards and then forward to gain impulse to then jump, your backpack softening your fall in the empty wagon. “NOW YOU!” You expanded your palms in the air quickly for Jihoon to do it now who was running and at your command he leaned into the side running and jumping towards you, his legs thudded as he fell, breathing hard but then relaxed letting his body rest besides you.

As the train moves, Jihoon and you opt to stay in silence and enjoy the rest from all those stressful days, aware you need to let off part of the pressure you’ve been feeling.

Jihoon and you were laying next to each other, his head resting on your shoulder as he slept and you looked at the view and his face, smiling at how peaceful he looked right now.

…

As the days passed, Jihoon and you were finally in District 6.

Now you would have to remain low, not drawing any attention towards you, so Jihoon and you were using hoods to hide your faces.

Unlike District 9, you would have to remain away from the people as there were so many factories that were guarded by peacekeepers, thus, you needed to lay low to survive while you were here and bought water, seeds, batteries, knives and two tents to sleep in with the little money you had and then go to the forest to sleep there.

“I have an idea” Jihoon informed you that evening while you two ate dinner in front of the fire. “One of us can sleep while the other one watches if a peacekeeper is close.” It was a great idea, since that way you could take care of him and vice versa while the other one watched over your little camp.

When your second turn of watching over the camp happened it seemed mostly calm, until you heard the snapping of branches in the distance, as well as circumference cuts in your radio.

‘SNAP SNAP’

You quickly turned around trying to make the minimum sound possible looking at all sides of the forest, turning off the radio and hiding it under a bush, and taking your dagger and two knives with you, the gun would make a lot of noise, as you saw from if Jihoon's tent was open you quietly sighed after seeing it was closed, and you got further into the forest trying to see where the sound was coming from.

‘SQUEAK SQUEAK’

Now you heard and saw some squirrels running around, and they rarely did so during winter. There was definitely someone else in the forest. You crouched trying to look where they were with the binoculars you were carrying. To your far right side you saw three peacekeepers, you looked at Jihoon's tent again and you knew you had to distract them from getting to him.

Quietly you went to where the fire was lit and grabbed a log, hissing in pain when the heat burned you but still kept it in your hand, leaving cinders fall when you were more into the forest thus drawing the attention away from Jihoon, once you were away enough, you whistled and hummed the mockingbird song and drumming in a tree to then move next to another one and do the same again and again; it took less than ten minutes for you to hear the sound of a gun.

‘CLICK’

Holding your breath and using your binoculars you attacked him, launching your dagger at his throat, the sound of the slash spreading through the air, treading carefully you took your bloodied dagger from his throat and his gun as well draping it around your shoulder, going for the next two.

…

‘SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK’

Jihoon shifted his weight on his mattress

‘SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK'

‘HOO HOO’

Jihoon stirred over his covers until he sat after having his precious sleep disturbed and rubbing his eyes as he got out of his tent, growing alarmed as he saw you were not there. Sure, as it was your turn watching over the camp you would have to walk around but he saw that the radio was flipped over a bush and turned off. Worried, Jihoon took his axe and tried to follow for any hint you might have left behind.

Indeed you did after he saw footprints in a corner to his left, but getting close to them he saw the size and width of the footprints were not similar to yours at all and when he turned around he saw a peacekeeper pointing his gun at him. And then he shot but Jihoon moved quickly running and hiding behind a tree. Breathing and gaining courage Jihoon screamed to his right side

-AAAGH!!!-

But Jihoon actually moved to the left and threw his axe aiming at a forest hoping to scare the peacekeeper, which he did and when he turned around Jihoon took his axe back and pressed it into the head of the peacekeeper. Jihoon breathed hard as he removed his axe and from the peacekeeper’s head and groaned when a little bit of his blood fell over his shoes. Great, Jihoon would have to wash them now. But now you were on his mind, Jihoon needed to find you, and with that thought he turned to his left side to keep looking for you.

…

The heat of the log was still burdensome and you feared the fire would eventually burn your head but you tried to ignore it as you were looking for the other two peacekeepers, your binoculars helping you see in the darkness, as you lowered your head you saw a liquid body on the soil, crouching to touch it you felt the iron smell that was now on your index and medium fingers: blood.

Looking ahead for a body you found a dead peacekeeper with a nasty wound on the head but as you looked at the edges you saw that it must have been the result of an axe. Which meant Jihoon killed him.

…

Jihoon got tackled to the ground as a peacekeeper had found him on his way to a nearby river hoping to find you. Jihoon had caught the peacekeeper off guard kicking him on the shin and was able to elbow him and take his gun, but his foil had grabbed him from his knees and tackled him and in the struggle Jihoon let go of his axe; smart move, Jihoon would have to give him that, but at least Jihoon was able to throw the gun into the frozen river, cracking the ice and falling into the water which made the peacekeeper yell at Jihoon in rage.

-AAAHH!!- And he then overpowered Jihoon grabbing his neck and squeezing it with astounding strength making Jihoon choke, feeling his vision go blurry but then a slash cut through the air landing in the side of the torso of the peacekeeper making him scream in pain. Jihoon then saw how the peacekeeper launch himself at you, making you let go of a gun and a lit log, but you responded by taking the log with your bare hands and pressing it into the peacekeeper's chest, rolling him over to the ground, though even then the peacekeeper was able to kick you in the stomach but you were also able to stab him with a knives in his shoulder blade.

As you were fighting Jihoon got up and with the strength he could master went for his axe and plunged it into the peacekeeper's back and then lifted him him up dropping him off into the ground and plunged the axe again into his head, his blood splashing into both Jihoon’s face and your face.

Letting go of his axe, Jihoon helped you get up and you covered his frame with his arms, embracing and smelling his hair and you tried to both explain and apologize for the situation.

“There were three of them, I'm so sorry Hoon, I should have been more aware” you sobbed but Jihoon shook his head. “No, no, don't apologize, we are fine now okay, we both are fine.” And with that you two hugged again.

The next day after you woke up you were cleaning your wounds in the river, though the contrast of the cold water with the burnt skin of your hands made you hiss in pain. You needed to do it but it was agonizing, it was then that Jihoon got into the river, taking your hands into his and letting the water do it's work as he let your head fall into his shoulder as you breathed in and out; once the pain subsided you let him bandage you and your stomach fluttered when he kissed your hands.

You looked into his eyes and melted at his eyes watching you with adoration and love, his left hand went to your cheek and then he stood on his toes to kiss you, expressing his love and longing for you with each peck, bite and caress of your lips; after Jihoon pulled his head to breathe you kissed his cheek which made him chuckle.

“I love you Jihoon, I always have” You confessed

“Me too y/n, I can't believe I let this go on unsaid for so long, I don't want to imagine a world in which you are not there, I'm afraid to lose you one day.” He signed in flowy movements.

“You won't” you promised, hugging him and letting his head fall onto your chest.

3 Weeks later you finally made it to District 13, your relationship with Jihoon having evolved, no longer concealed by dreams or avoidance you just let it be.

-S, S, M, Y/n and I are here.- Jihoon muttered to the radio as well as sending the Morse code of arrival.

-Got it J, we will go for you- Seokmin's voice flowed through the air, you missed hearing his voice.

1 hour and a half later an elevator from the earth lifted itself, revealing to be carrying Seokmin and 2 soldiers.

-Hi guys, sorry I got late, but needed to bring security and the procedure to come for you.- His smile was bright and it was nice since it was like seeing the sun in the winter and Jihoon seemed to share the feeling.

-It’s okay Seokmin, after all, we need to catch up, don't we?- Jihoon muttered and Seokmin’s eyes traveled to your joined hands with Jihoon, the surprise and glee in his eyes pouring out through his expressions.

-I agree Jihoon, I agree.- Seokmin beamed

However after Coin proved to be just as corrupt as President Snow , the Rebellion was torn if it was right to keep living in District 13 but Katniss Everdeen made a speech about the importance of the spirit of resistance and to live the life our lost loved would have wished for us.

And thus, Jihoon and you chose to stay in District 13 and live together in a better house. Soon Jihoon got to work as a civil engineer and bioengineer, flattering you when he said he got inspired by you with your knowledge, whereas you had become a healer and owner of your own apothecary, assisted by Jihoon and Sunyoung.

Sunyoung had teased you endlessly when she learned about Jihoon and you, having mentioned how she always knew it would eventually happen and that she expected to be your maid of honor in the wedding flustering you.

Jihoon and you were finally able to accept you could survive together if you were in a relationship and finally be able to simply live and give yourselves a better life because of it, and even considering the option to adopt a child in the future.

“We are happy, aren’t we?” Jihoon asked you one day when you were out in the forest, after it got treatment for sowings, enjoying the feeling of the sun now it was spring.

“We are Jihoon, more than we could ever be before” you told him smiling and as he returned your smile you kissed him, enjoying the feeling of being with him and finally being able to love yourselves freely without fear.

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cy-cyborg · 9 months ago

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I've seen my new GP twice now, and omg I didn't realise how bad things were with my previous one until now. Like I knew it was bad, but having someone who actually listens and cares to contrast to makes the shitty treatment stand out so much more. Some of the highlights:

My memory isn't great, so my partner wrote out a full report of what had been happening with a list of symptoms and a timeline of the most recent events, as well as printed versions of whatever tests results we could get before we arrived. Id summerised it at the top because every doctor id been to never reads what i give them, even when its from other doctors, but he read all of it, and asked clarifying questions as he did to make sure we were on the same page.

He actually read what little bits of my medical history had access to (while I've never seen this doctor before, I attended this clinic as a child, which was when most of the stuff associated with my primary disability was happening, so he could see that) and agreed that there is almost certainly something chronic going on that he will gladly investigate once the immediate issue is dealt with.

The fact I was autistic came up at some point, and I explained that I'm not formally diagnosed. My current psychologist and one other has done all the testing they can and they were both very confident I am autistic, but we can't get the formal diagnosis without a review from a neuropsyc because of something in my history, and I don't have the money to do that. My autistic traits are in my medical files but they're incorrectly attributed to something else. He was incredibly understanding of that and told me not to stress about the diagnosis (unless i want to, in which case he said hed support me from his end if he can) and asked if I could get something from my psychologist to explain how this might effect my treatment (not noticing symptoms, not being able to articulate problems consistently etc) so he knows what additional support I might need in the clinic.

He admitted to not knowing things, and told me how he was going to go about fixing that gap in his knowledge before my next appointment. For example, He admitted to never having a trans patient before, but that he's going to do some research on his own time to learn what he needs to do to be a better Dr for me.

He asked me to get some scans from a previous hospital stay, and picked up that I was hesitant. mum was with me and explained my auditory processing issues and how it makes communicating via phone hard. he told me not to stress and said he can get the receptionist to do it with my concent.

A lot of these aren't big things, but they make the world of difference when you have a complex medical history and its so refreshing just to feel heard after all this

#disability #disabled #chronically ill #doctors #medical stuff

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calware · 1 year ago

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post about me. i added pictures to keep it interesting

i've had a problem for most of my life that i'm currently visualizing as a gray dorito poking into me. it's frustrating, inconvenient, difficult to deal with, and overall makes everything suck a little. many people have told me that this problem is most likely adhd, such as my therapist in high school who said it was "textbook." unfortunately, she was just a therapist, not a psychiatrist, and therefore wasn't actually qualified to diagnose me with anything. this was in 2021 when there were no child psychiatrists in my area accepting new patients (thanks, covid), so instead my doctor gave me a few adhd meds at differing doses to see if any of them stuck (i had literally no reaction to Any of them) and the whole thing went nowhere

so, is the problem actually adhd? i'm an adult now and could pay several hundred dollars (of my parent's money) to get a proper test, but it would make no difference as my issues would not be solved by adhd medication (maybe. i'm worried i somehow messed it up) or any form of accommodations. i don't want to ask my parents to pay for something that likely won't have much impact (and my mom wouldn't be fully convinced anyway. both parents are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me). i want to know, but the time and money don't justify it. so the best solution i have is to keep going, keep learning which lifestyle changes to make and how to "work smarter". i'll be okay. and i say that with sincerity

whoops, forgot my glasses here. this is another gray dorito-shaped problem, only this one is much smaller. i rarely notice it, and when i do, it's superficial. it's only gotten genuinely bad twice in my life. it's my paranoia, obsessiveness, and, on occasion, compulsions that follow those obsessions. now, i know what you're thinking, which is that it kind of sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. frankly, from my understanding, my issue is so negligible that it doesn't qualify as OCD. like i said, it barely affects me. it still bothers me that it's there, though. i do my best to deal with it, letting my thoughts pass as they come to me and not trying not to give into/breaking out of compulsions, but i just don't want it there at all

this is another thing i could see a therapist about, but does a problem this small really justify the time and expenses of seeing a professional? not in my case (not for me, at least. don't apply this to your own problems if you genuinely want to seek professional help)

i have a goal to have enough disposable income later in life to justify paying a scientist to pick through my brain for my own amusement. because, despite no substantial foreseeable improvements to my mental health after getting a psych evaluation, i still find the idea to be really exciting. i have a strong desire to understand how my mind works, how my brain ticks, why i am the person i am. that's how i know that if i ever played sburb, id have the heart aspect (that's right. you thought that this was just a personal post on my homestuck blog that had nothing to do with homestuck. do you really think i would do that? make off-topic posts solely about me on a homestuck blog? look, i even remembered to draw my glasses this time and i made them homestuck glasses. because i care about you guys) and i am vain and self-centered enough to desperately want someone with a phd to talk about me for an hour. and no, i don't need a therapist to tell me why that is, i already figured that one out allllll on my own

#long post #me when i me

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tutanchanup · 4 months ago

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Was the real Vlad III. more of a sadistic choleric or tragic antihero? You'll be surprised

Disclaimer: As Vlad III. still refuses to pick up my calls, note that this is, once again, MY OPINION ONLY! It doesn't necessarily need to be the correct one!! And I am afraid that until Vlad picks up the damned phone, we'll never know for sure how he really was like.

So please, do not in any way despair if Vlad in your works acts differently. Your take is as good as mine!!! I do not wish to criticise anyone's work!

The purpose of this article is only to compare various psychological approaches, and compare the two most depicted ones to mine, because a lot of people are wondering why does my Vlad look so different from what they usually see.

I'm not saying my approach is necessarily better!!

I am not some divine authority to tell you how you should write him from now on! You do you!!

I simply wanted to show how I approach him, and what can you expect from me in my works, including the story I write, Io, Draculea.

~°~°~°~°~°~

I still can't believe that my prediction about Vlad learning sewing out of boredom was confirmed by history!! Hah! 🤩🥰😄

You see, while writing about Vlad as a vampire, I wrote that he learned sewing when he was slowly getting bored by eternal life. I wrote this 3 years ago.

And few days ago, thanks to @voievod and @vladvodashitposts I learned that we actually have a preserved testimony from the 15th century that says that Vlad the Impaler learned sewing out of boredom while in Visegrád prison!

Btw 2 years ago in my story I predicted that Corvinus would let him see his family while imprisoned and the text confirmed that too!! Ahhh I can't believe it!!!!!

Now, I'd like to tell you how I came to this prediction. Because I am actually not a fortune-teller. How then could I have possibly correctly predicted something as improbable and crazy sounding as Vlad the Impaler learning sewing? I understand you have your doubts about this claim of mine.

So I'll tell you my secret 🤫:

I approach his personality a little bit different from the two most abundant ways found in literature, who depict Vlad either as an angry choleric, or the tragic antihero.

I noticed he went through horrible hardships in life, but I also noticed that it never broke him. That means he never let fate make him into a victim.

And then I realized that I know what such a person looks like.

Because I am surrounded by people like this.

I live in Czechia, which was under harsh communist rule for some 40 years. For many people - my family included - it was hell on earth. But many Czech people survived that because they didn't fall down the victim mentality route, instead they accepted that which couldn't be changed, and found ways how to cope otherwise and make use of what they can do - it's no coincidence that during these hard times one of the best comedic films were made, or that Jára Cimrman was born (a way how to make fun of communism in a way that would circumvent censorship), or that we perfected the art of finding legal loop-holes during that time.

My father, whose whole family was imprisoned just for being intellectuals, and who couldn't get into university because of where he came from, is a person with a brisk sense of humour. My mother, when she was diagnosed with cancer, still heartily laughed every day, and now that she's okay, she helps other cancer patients to keep their spirit up. I also knew a Jewish person who had actually survived concentration camp as a child (he saw all his family die there and went on the "death march" when he was 10 yo!) - and he was one of the most humourous and good spirited people I knew! (RIP Mario P. 🥲)

This is the mentality of survivors who were not broken down by fate: pragmatic, not wallowing in grief over fate they cannot change, instead grabbing every chance to enjoy their life in those short moments when they can and use their hardship to their advantage.

And you know what, that's exactly what the real Vlad would be like as well!

When he found himself in a situation he couldn't change, he didn't fall down crying like a tragic antihero, neither did he yell at heavens like an angry choleric. (Well, I am not saying he NEVER did cry or swear, he surely had moments like these too, I am talking more about the general approach to life).

Instead he accepted that which couldn't be changed, and made the best use of what he could do. See when he was imprisoned by the Ottomans at the age of just 11: he didn't break down, instead he found out that while he was there already, he can learn their battle tactics, and so he did and then used them against the same Ottomans later.

Thus I can totally see that while imprisoned by Corvinus, he would try to occupy his mind with something useful so he wouldn't go mad with boredom, even if it would come down to sewing.

But enough of boring talking, let me illustrate it (literally), that will be much more fun!

Disclaimer: I do NOT want to criticise or make fun of other authors! This is just a thought experiment depicting various psychologies. The text is entirely made up by me. It's NOT made to mock any existing work, I just wanted to show you how I write Vlad in my own story, Io, Draculea. If you like writing Vlad as the tragic hero, I am not here to stop you! 😉 (okay I am a little against writing him as the angry choleric, because we've had 500 years of that already 🙃)

Actually I wouldn't even be that much happy if you were to copy my approach, I want my story to be original 😆

Now let's do a little experiment of how the most common depictions of Vlad would deal with a situation where fate surprises them with something cruel and unexpected, like Corvinus imprisoning them in the middle of war:

Vlad the Choleric:

-> this Vlad spends his time in prison impaling mice and rats

Vlad the Tragic Hero:

-> this Vlad spends his time in prison starring out of the window contemplating his fate

Vlad the Survivalist:

(and also how I approach him):

-> this Vlad spends his time in prison trying to find out whether he can succeed in building a model of Târgoviște from the hay his bed is made out of

Now, I hope you all don't hate me now 😅. I really didn't made this with the intention to mock anyone. It's only that I realized that maybe I can give an insight which is a little bit different than what can usually be found on the internet, so I wanted to create some material which talks about the less known perspective, for it to be accessible out there as well.

Do not in any way hate on other writers (or yourself) if their perspective is different!!!!

The thing is, that every approach offers different advantages. The "Vlad as angry choleric" served the purpose of depicting him as a sadistic tyrant (which was extremely useful to his enemies). The "Vlad as tragic antihero" serves the purpose of humanising him, and lets a modern person realise the hardships Vlad went through. And that's incredibly important and useful work!!! Please continue!!!!

My way is that of someone who has almost never - or extremely rarely - read or seen an adaptation of Vlad (although my knowledge there is limited, I admit) that would reflect the "Vlad as survivalist" approach (which I think would be more historically accurate, but that's just MY OPINION, it doesn't have to be necessarily the correct one!!)

So I took it as my role to depict Vlad like this. I am prepared to be alone on this path 😉

#please don't hate me #i am not here to stop you #seriously you can write whatever you want #i am not some divine authority to tell you what to do #do what makes you happy #no diss #my thoughts on dracula #io draculea #dracula #vlad tepes #vlad the impaler #vlad dracula #vlad voda #vlad țepeș #vlandom #survivors #there were more illustrations but I didn't manage them in time 😅. later

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covid-safer-hotties · 9 months ago

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New research has found that 33.6% of surveyed healthcare workers in England report symptoms consistent with post-COVID syndrome.

New research from the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology & Neuroscience (IoPPN) at King's College London, and University College London has found that 33.6% of surveyed healthcare workers in England report symptoms consistent with post-COVID syndrome (PCS), more commonly known as Long COVID. Yet only 7.4% of respondents reported that they have received a formal diagnosis.

The research is part of the wider long-term NHS CHECK study that is tracking the mental and physical health of NHS staff throughout and beyond the COVID-19 pandemic. Other research by NHS CHECK has included healthcare workers’ experiences of support services, prevalence of mental health problems, moral injury, and suicidal thoughts.

The study used the NICE definition of Long COVID, which includes symptoms like fatigue, cognitive difficulties, and anxiety for 12 weeks or more after they've had COVID.

After four and a half years since it was first described, there is still a lot to learn about Long COVID. This study has sought to explore how common Long COVID is among healthcare workers and if certain people are more likely to develop it than others.

“PCS can have a dramatic impact on a person’s day to day life. If we are to ensure that the healthcare workers, and wider population, affected by it receive the best possible care and support, we need to address both the physiological and psychosocial mechanisms behind it.”

-Dr Sharon Stevelink, Reader in Epidemiology and one of the study’s authors from King's IoPPN

The research was led by Dr Danielle Lamb, Senior Research Fellow at University College London’s Institute of Epidemiology & Health Care, who said “COVID-19 has not gone away. We know that more infections mean more people are at risk of developing Long COVID. This research shows that we should be particularly concerned about the impacts of this on the health and social care sector, especially in older and female workers, and staff with pre-existing physical and mental health conditions. We now need to better understand the complex interplay between biomedical, psychological, and social factors that affect people's experiences of Long COVID, and how healthcare workers with this condition can best be supported.”

The study team collaborated with a Patient and Public Involvement and Engagement (PPIE) panel of 16 healthcare workers with Long COVID. The panel helped design the research by developing the study questions, shaping the analysis, and interpreting the results.

The study’s Co-Lead, Dr Brendan Dempsey, Research Fellow at University College London, said “Collaborating with the healthcare workers who formed our PPIE group has been really important in making sure that we are conducting research that is relevant to them. They also helped interpret our results, sharing their own experiences of living with Long COVID and working in the NHS.”

To gather the survey findings, data was gathered from over 5,000 healthcare workers across three surveys spanning 32 months. The research found that potential risk factors for Long COVID included: being female, being between 51 and 60 years of age, directly working with COVID-19 patients, having pre-existing respiratory conditions, and having existing mental health issues.

The lack of formal diagnosis, despite the widespread prevalence of symptoms, raises concerns that healthcare professionals with Long COVID symptoms are not seeking care or are not being diagnosed. The research team calls for urgent improvements in diagnostic practices and access to support for those living with Long COVID in the healthcare sector.

The research was funded by The Colt Foundation and supported by the National Institute for Health Research (NIHR) Applied Research Collaboration North Thames. It was a collaboration between University College London, King’s College London, and 18 participating NHS Trusts.

Study Link: oem.bmj.com/content/early/2024/10/01/oemed-2024-109621.info

#long covid #mask up #covid #pandemic #covid 19 #wear a mask #coronavirus #public health #sars cov 2 #still coviding #wear a respirator

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parallaxshift-raki · 4 months ago

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hi adam! i hope you’re well :) i just got a late diagnosis of autism (i’m 23!) and i was wondering if you had any advice for self care and such after a diagnosis? i’m totally comfortable with who i am and how my brain works, it’s still just lots to process !!

Hello. First of all, congratulations on your diagnosis. I assume that might seem like an odd thing to say, but I mean it sincerely—understanding yourself better is always a good thing, even if it takes time to process.

I know it did for me.

I was diagnosed early in childhood, so I can’t speak to the exact experience of learning this about yourself as an adult. But I do understand what it’s like to examine yourself through a new lens and to realize that the way you interact with the world—things you may have once thought were simply personal quirks or unexplained difficulties—actually has a name. It can be both validating and overwhelming.

You say you’re comfortable with who you are, which is already more than many people can say. But if I had any advice, it would be this: be patient with yourself. It’s easy to look back on past experiences and wonder how differently things could have gone had you known then what you know now. But you were always you, diagnosis or not. That hasn’t changed—only your understanding has. The most important thing is using that understanding to advocate for yourself, to make your life easier where possible rather than forcing yourself into spaces or habits that were never designed for you in the first place.

Practically speaking, self-care depends on what you need. If sensory issues are something you struggle with, don’t ignore them—accommodate them in whatever ways you can. If you experience burnout, learn to recognize the signs before it happens and give yourself time to recover. If you mask heavily in social situations, make sure you also allow yourself environments where you don’t have to. The world doesn’t always adapt to us, so we have to be intentional about carving out spaces where we can exist comfortably as ourselves.

Most of all, remember that there is no ‘correct’ way to process something like this. No rush, no expectation—just time. I hope that time is kind to you.

My father once told me that understanding yourself is like learning a language—you’ll always be discovering new words, new meanings, new ways to express things you never quite knew how to before. I think he was right.

#adam raki #adam 2009 #adam rp #rp #rp blog #rp ask blog #heu rp #heu #heu roleplay #hannibal extended universe #hugh dancy #mads mikkelsen #nbc hannibal #will graham rp #hannibal rp #abigail hobbs rp #spacetalks #duncan vizla #nigel banyai

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tinystarryeyes · 1 year ago

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Monsta X dating someone with a "complicated job"

Things to note: “complicated” refers to an S/O with a super qualified/heavily trained job that might be difficult to understand

Shownu/Hyunwoo - Finance gal

Shownu was known for doing a bit of investing here and there, but you’re rocking the business world by negotiating multi-million dollar deals. At first, Shownu felt awkward mentioning his private investing to you, but he was also curious as to what you have to say about making investments for the future. When you two watched Wolf of Wall Street, he felt a little worried for you, in case you were forced to be surrounded by drug filled parties and sleazy men, but he soon learned your workplace is a bit more wholesome than the movie. Though you never showed it, you appreciated that Shownu didn’t feel insecure about the big bucks people in finance made, and hoped that with your money, Shownu could relax a little longer from idol activities if he got injured or anything. But on the off chance that Shownu’s comeback week clashed with the final weeks of you closing a deal, both of you are going to be so tired by the end of it all that you’ll order in a ton of food, and fall asleep cuddling through a food coma.

Wonho/Hoseok - Psychiatrist

With all the work you did listening to people’s mental health concerns, diagnosing them and providing medication, Wonho always felt a little guilty coming to you when he had a problem, because in his eyes, its simply an extension of your job, and he wanted you to relax when you came home. You wished this wasn’t the case because firstly, you love Wonho, and secondly, you love your job. But you also had a similar issue thanks to patient-doctor confidentiality, so sometimes even if Wonho asked what’s bothering you, you couldn't always give him all the details as to why. When you initially started dating, Wonho was constantly getting psychiatrist and psychologist mixed up, but now he’s the one correcting people when they get your profession wrong, which always makes you laugh.

Minhyuk - Special Forces Fighter Pilot

While most idols only thought about the military when they got little bit older, Minhyuk thought about the military (specifically the Air Force) daily. He thought you are an absolute badass being a fighter pilot, but he also knew you were a complete softie for him. Sometimes you’d come home sore, maybe a little injured, and Minhyuk would rush to you the minute you came home to see how injured you were, even if it was just a little bruising or soreness from drills. In those situations, he’d pick up medicine for you, and insist on applying it himself and letting you rest, even though you told him the Air Force can take of your medical needs. If Minhyuk ever seriously annoys you, you pull out your tough fighter pilot voice, and he immediately stops, but because you both think the other person is the cutest being to exist in this solar system, you both immediately start laughing. But that attitude from the military sure does come in handy for some fun role play in the bedroom.

Kihyun - Ballerina

A highly skilled dancer and a highly skilled vocalist is one hell of a power couple. You both understood what dedication to your craft meant. The most unfortunate consequence of this was that Kihyun could never promise you that you won’t walk the next day after a night of spirited activities ;) In fact, there was nothing arousing about him saying that to you because if you struggled to walk the next morning, how were you meant to dance? Being a ballerina also meant several body insecurities for you, especially when you knew Kihyun met many beautiful female idols. But from Kihyun’s perspective, it is also very difficult to watch as other men placed their hands on your body for all the world (or at least the concert hall) to see. Still, he would come to see your shows, and bring a bouquet of flowers too for when he gets to see you backstage. He’d politely say hello to everyone, and maybe even wrap an arm around your waist and get a little possessive if he felt like the male dancers got a little too touchy-feely.

Hyungwon - P/A to an important businessperson

How someone like Hyungwon, who replies last in the chat and likes to nap all day, ended up with someone like you who keeps track of meetings, business deals and the personal affairs of your boss in addition to your own affairs amused many people. But one benefit of your relationship with Hyungwon was that your busy schedules didn’t leave space to be lonely. The downside was that the time you did get to spend together needed to be spent wisely. Still, your schedule was a bit more negotiable than Hyungwon’s, and since your boss was a fan of Monsta X, they gave you some leeway. They even joked that if you ever leave your PA job, you can just become Hyungwon’s manager. Now, that didn’t sound bad since after all, you can spend all your time with Hyungwon, but Hyungwon knew you loved your job, and he knew you excelled at it, so he would never ask you to give it up. When you had particularly stressful and packed days, he’d prepare a relaxing bath for you, and let you vent about everything that happened while cuddling you and playing with your hair. Hyungwon also loves giving you fashion advice and taking you shopping so that you look absolutely gorgeous for those meetings, but he is even more excited for the end of the day, when he can take those pencil skirts and blouses off you.

Joohoney - Award Winning Author

Your books were the kind that university theses were written about. Breaking and bending the rules of language came naturally to you, which is why Joohoney loved to run his raps past you. If he ever got stuck with words, you were always there to help out. However, Joohoney felt bad that he couldn’t help you out with your writing, which tended to need a bit more than flow, beat, rhyme and other qualities. So instead, he helped you out in other ways. He reminded you to rest your eyes when you had been looking at your computer for too long, and gave you massages to release all the knots in your neck and shoulders. He also bought every single book you ever had published, and enjoyed reading them in his spare time too. But the other bonus of you being an author was your vocabulary. Sure, sometimes you found a niche word to describe something and left Joohoney a little confused, but other times, you could whisper sweet nothings like you were their inventor.

IM/Changkyun - Geneticist

He absolutely loves listening to you talk about your work. A career in science was something Changkyun would have considered if it wasn’t for his love of music, but his background in science helps him follow along with what you’re saying - transgenic organism, gene splicing, Okazaki fragments... okay so actually he googled some of these when you weren’t around, or messaged his dad with questions, but you were always happy to explain it to him too. Occasionally he teases you, asking if you’re creating mutants or doing top secret experiments for the government; but in actuality, you work in medical research, trying to cure genetic diseases. Changkyun finds your work extremely admirable, and is always encouraging, even when you sometimes come home frustrated that your experiments didn’t work out and that your research might have hit a dead end. If/When you and Changkyun have kids, you will probably be drawing punnet squares and taking bets on whose traits the kid will inherit.

#monsta x #monbebe #joohoney #im changkyun #minhyuk #shownu #wonho #changkyun #kihyun #hyungwon #monsta x reacts #monsta x dates #ballerina #geneticist #finance #air force #psychiatrist

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sunspill · 1 year ago

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Hi I'd like to take back every nice thing I said about my surgeon.

This is a venty and /lengthy/ post about my experience with an accelerated emergency hysterectomy (<2wks from diagnosis to surgery). I'm adding a cut in case medical stuff is triggering for anyone or if you're like "I've heard enough outta you about doctors" (understandable).

I'm struggling to sleep rn in a hospital room so I'm venting to distract while I wait for my nurse to check in with me about more morphine.

So my gyn and my surgeon are the same person, an OBGYN in San Francisco. He was the only would who could see me after multiple ER and 2 urgent care visits for severe pain in my abdomen. Eventually the ER orders an ultrasound. a surprise vaginal ultrasound that I was not informed would involve insertion of the wand into my vagina until the tech told me to take off my underwear. They had told me it would be a stomach ultrasound to look for masses. I'm still... unhappy about this. It hurt and the tech was like "all women get these its fine". Anyway, I had one moderately large fibroid and possibly scar tissue and smaller masses.

Sidenote: I'm not sure if i have ever felt being viewed as less than human more in the ER. Downplaying my symptoms, telling me the ER doesn't dispense pain medication (which they later did multiple times), that fibroids don't cause any pain, accusations of drug-seeking, and multiple insinuations that I was pregnant or otherwise lying. One such accusation was a question posed to my partner about if we ever had threesomes with men or if maybe I cheated on them and contracted pregnancy or STD. Oh and when I got diagnosed they didn't say "it's fibroids" they said "there's at least one tumor in your uterus" like ! Why would they say it like that?? Every nurse was pissed to be there and I strongly believed one of them hard painful pricked me in my wrist instead of my elbow because they were annoying I was sobbing in the room outside the nurses lounge. When my partner confronted them about that choice they were like "well we can remove it but you won't get fluids or meds then". It hurt for 2 days afterwards. I had been to urgent care and the er previous to this and had no issues with the inner elbow.

I called gynos all over the place but no one else except this doctor, lets say... Dr Yan, could see me within 3 weeks. My PCP refused to provide pain management and I had been out of work for a week and half, returning to the ER multiple times because I was screaming in pain for hours. The ER would prescribe a small amount of prescription pain killers, I would try to make them stretch, and then I would have to return to the ER. I was bedridden from pain. Planned Parenthood couldn't help with treatment but told me based on the ER imaging I might have adenomyosis, for which the only "cure" would be to remove my uterus, removing just fibroid is much more difficult with adenomyosis.

So I was desperate and Dr Yan was willing to do a hysterectomy as well as willing to push my insurance company to get it done fast as I was pulling no income - I ran out of PTO after a week of calling out. I felt I needed it fast and it started to hurt more whenever I ate or drank. He somehow got it moved to yesterday.

But he was awful. He wouldn't give specific answers to my questions, he barely walked me through what the procedure entailed after my partner pressed harder, and kept saying it is a very common procedure that is easy and not painful.

He lied to me, saying I'd be home the same day and a nerve blocker administered during surgery would keep me numb for two days. The recovery nurse told me that's not true. He insisted that pain would be minimal and his patients were fine with otc pain management. He said it needed to be abdominal, which I have since learned is not the case and is the most painful and longest recovery time for hysterectomy

The only thing he reiterated and talked about was how I would be unable to get pregnant, which was the only thing I *already* knew.

He did one physical exam during initial appt which was pushing on my abdomen, ordered no additional imaging or appts, and literally disappeared into another room while my back was turned signing forms. I had to sit in the waiting room for another 20 minutes to get him to sign insurance and leave of work papers.

He was 20 min late to my pre-op appt and his office had no idea why. he performed a pelvis exam on me, externally and then inserted his fingers into my vagina for an internal exam without telling me. I had never had a pelvic exam before. It hurt enough bc he did not use lubrication. My partner confronted him angrily and he said he knows what he's doing and the exam was over anyway. He told me again the surgery would be simple.

I woke up screaming in observation, where i was given Tylenol. The surgical nurse lied to me and said they had already called my partner. After an hour of pain they moved me to a recovery room, where I had access to my phone and called my partner, who had not been contacted and rushed over. I was alone and crying out in pain.

The nurse told me that they could only give me Tylenol because Dr Yan had left the hospital without putting in orders for me aka authorizing use of moderate to severe controlled painkillers. They said as soon as they could get him on the phone they could give me something for the pain because I had been given 4 grams of Tylenol and couldn't have more. Dr Yan never answered the phone.

I am not joking when I say this next part, because I was able to track the time through my chart just now to get exact numbers and times. I came out of surgery no later than 800am. In a recovery room by 9. I screamed, absolutely not an exaggeration, I was crying out and sobbing and could not think, I was sweating and my entire body was shaking. I was dry heaving and spitting up bile, which made the pain worse. I don't remember anything except the pain, although apparently i did say some funny things to my partner coming down from the general anesthesia (thought we were in grocery outlet).

At 2:14 the hospitalist gave up calling and admitted me, transferring care away from Dr Yan. At 4:45pm they administered a very lose dose of morphine, and I finally stopped screaming. It was still very painful, and my partner timed me - I would sleep for 1-7 minutes, then wake up crying out in pain for 3-10min, repeat. The nurse told me I would receive stronger pain management when I had a room.

At 430pm they transfered me to my room, which involved the transport guy hitting my bed against the counter. The transfer from bed to bed was so jolting I started screaming again, which lasted until 445pm, when they administered triple the dose of morphine given earlier.

This has been the most painful experience of my life. The Dr said no more morphine and would administer those opiate pills cut w ibuprofen or whatever. They would give me just enough to cut my pain back from 10 to 6/7, then make me wait until 10, then make me wait crying out in pain while they got the dr to put in an order for more. It was like reps of a gym set except the absolute worst pain based version.

Around 6pm, my partner advocated aggressively as my pain was only receding to a 8 or 9 and I could no longer nap or drink water due to the pain. My muscles were so clenched I tore my paper gown. The nurse (who had seen all of this go down and was b attentive) recommended to the dr that I receive straight oxycodeine via IV. My doctor, who saw me once when i was transfered which consisted of introducing himself, said I didn't need such a strong medicine and I should take tramadol instead.

The tramadol had almost no effect, and I was then told I couldn't have the oxy because I had gotten the tramadol instead. By 630 I was at a 10 and screaming again. The dr ordered a lidocaine patch (no effect).

At 655 a new dr replaced the previous and immediately ordered dilaudid. My pain finally dropped to a 5.

At 830pm guess who fuckin shows up in my room. Dr Yan, who's like "you don't seem in pain" SIR I HAD SO MANY DRUGS INSIDE ME AND I WSS STILL AT A 5. And I needed two people to get me to the bathroom (5 ft away). He shows me a picture of the biggest mass, says I'm fine, offers no explanation for why he fucked me over so badly, and leaves. I should have demanded information but my throat hurt from crying and screaming and I had only slept 2 hrs in the previous 2 days.

The recovery nurse apologized profusely to me and said she believed he had been grossly negligent. The anaesthesiologist came and told me my body eats painkillers and anesthesia with a strong natural tolerance, and that some of the refusal to give more or stronger dosages was probably because doctors basically read charts, and would see that I had been administered a lot already. They would then decide that was enough based on what they believed to be averagely appropriate. Even tho I have it documented from his hospice ICU care notes that my dad had a similar tolerance. The recovery nurse agreed as she had been observing me, administering the meds, and see my-clearly-caused -by -pain symptoms continue.

The night nurses and doctors have been better. I got some more morphine just now, and a sleep aid that didn't work but I appreciate they tried to address that issue.

Anyway jeez if you read everything you deserve a medal. My memory has been very poor due to drugs and pain so I've been trying to work out a timeline of what happened. I know it's kind of a baby thing because no one attacked me and I don't seem to have surgical complications and after all this the hospital is sending me home with opiates, but I feel kinda shell shocked. It felt crazy to be lying in the hospital screaming in pain for hours and hours just for someone to come in every hour and say their hands were tied even tho the hospital is the only place for strong pain relief that isnt like, street fet. I removed an organ, I knew it would hurt, but I've never in my life experienced anything like that. It was worse than all other pain I've had combined. I thought i was going to die.

Anyway the nurse is giving me Ativan! I hope to rest now. Cross your fingers for me and stay away from DR YUAN DA FAN OBGYN SUTTER HEALTH SAN FRANCISCO.

#tw medical... trauma?#i feel guiltu calling it trauma #hysterectomy #cos ppl have had such severe medical trauma and im... mostly ok now #with the morphine im at 3 #lowest ive been since this started

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angelofthemornings · 2 months ago

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I read a book of Karen Russel's short stories and the way she portrays boyhood is really interesting to me. It seems like she thinks the male experience of youth is about learning to suppress selfish animal impulses you barely understand.

(Is it? I wouldn't know.)

I didn't have much of a childhood to speak of. Childhood is something you largely experience in tandem with other people and I wanted nothing to do with my peers. (To the extent that I have a little trouble calling them "peers.") I'd read, mostly, or be in the woods, or smugly accept compliments from the adults who liked doting on my intelligence, and that was about how I occupied the first several years of my life. If another child wanted to disturb my serenity by spending time with me I'd just regard it as a chore, something I did because I knew it was good for me, like eating my vegetables. (A few different times I'd have a close friend - or someone who felt I was a close friend, I don't remember caring for anyone at all - tell me suddenly that they didn't want to hang out with me anymore because I was annoying or uncool or whatever, which caused me no pain whatsoever. I didn't mind the loss or even care that I read as annoying or uncool in the general sense.) Any legitimate affection and admiration anyone showed me - adults, other children - was revolting and made me extremely uncomfortable.

Ultimately, if I wanted anything, which I really didn't, it was just to be in the woods. Alone.

As far as high school went, I didn't go, I dropped out of school when I was thirteen.

I don't remember being bullied. I'm sure I was at least teased a little, but if I was, it wasn't severe and was completely meaningless to me, enough that I don't have any memories of it.

That was about all there is to say. It's passably interesting to me that I never even got crushes on anyone, not until I adulthood when I fell in love with my first partner (which I profoundly disliked; I destabilize severely when I'm in romantic relationships). I was very good-looking in my teens (and moreover I was genuinely troubled, which is unfortunately very attractive to teenagers) and I'd vaguely know people and they'd all fall in love with me (regardless of gender or orientation) and I'd patiently date them until they figured out I didn't care about them at all and was just doing them a favor. Mostly this happened online.

I have always been really, profoundly alone. I wish it bothered me - I don't know why, maybe because that would make me feel more like a human being and I like to think I'm as human as anyone else, mostly due to personal vanity - but it never did.

(Anyway, now they keep trying to diagnose me with ASPD or adult attachment disorder. It's whatever.)

#there is something deeply and fundamentally wrong with me. shame.

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sophieinwonderland · 2 years ago

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Imitated DID 2 - Hysterical Boogaloo

We're diving back in from where we left off last time. Now with the "hysterical" group.

There is actually a certain level of logic to part of this.

I don't diagnose people with disorders. But when talking about plurality with questioning systems, I find it much more useful to ask about their internal experiences and hear them described in their own words.

Especially because a lot of medical jargon and even plural community terms kind of suck for describing these type of experiences. If someone isn't describing things in their own words, I can understand feeling like they might be faking. But that doesn't mean they are.

Comorbid Mental Illnesses can affect communication: We have ASD. If you've noticed, we tend to use jargon and big words a lot. I often make up my own jargon too because much of what I see from psychiatry is inadequate. (I could go on long rants about how meaningless the word "dissociation" is.)

The issue is that a lot of people with ASD or other disorders might behave like this. We might use clinical words if we've studied them. I'd like to think We would have the presence of mind to not reply to a psychiatrist asking "what do you mean by amnesia" by explaining whether our amnesia is retrograde or anterograde, but I could easily imagine someone else doing that.

Some people also have personality types where they might be seeking respect, and trying to impress a psychiatrist with their knowledge of academic terms.

Perhaps what appears to not be genuine is just another condition that makes people communicate in ways a neurotypical wouldn't be expected to.

This also goes for other behavior that appears non-genuine. Maybe someone presenting more overt presentation just doesn't have a filter or social awareness.

(Also, amnesia isn't even professional jargon. It's used all the time by lay people.)

Again, most people with DID stated they would miss the voices of their alters: Like I said in the last post, 69% of DID voice hearers said they would miss their alters' voices if they were gone.

The feeling of "I won't let anybody take them away from me!" isn't uncommon. They're in the MAJORITY. Maybe expressing these feelings aloud is uncommon. But that just makes me further suspect influence from comorbid disorders that make it difficult to tell what's socially acceptable.

Another possibility is someone mentions their full trauma history and talks about their conditions as a test of sorts. They've learned to expect rejection, and want to be upfront about everything so that if they scare someone away, it will be right at the beginning of the relationship.

It's so important to account for different behaviors in different people, and different illnesses and conditions that can influence those behaviors.

WHAT?!

She couldn't handle Lucille, who always got her own way. Lucille is convinced that her mother physically and sexually abused her.

There are many ways to write this that wouldn't involve portraying the mother as a victim of a little girl.

It's stated as an objective fact that Lucille's mother "couldn't handle Lucille," suggesting Lucille was always the problem. Meanwhile, "Lucille is convinced" her mother abused her. It's not even neutral language, like she "reported" or "described" it. She's "convinced."

I'm absolutely appalled.

Also, it feels a little gross for the doctors to describe their patient as "attractive" and with a "seductive presentation." I'm not the only one feeling that, right?

So she essentially did report amnesia. It just sounds like she didn't understand what amnesia was or was in denial, and clinicians should have questioned further.

Surely, if she were trying to manipulate the clinicians, she'd have claimed to amnesia, right? Since amnesia is part of the criteria?

Like with the "borderline" group from before, she had DPDR.

So she recognized similarity in her own experiences with DID systems AND an independent clinician confirmed her DID.

But this is what they're using as evidence against her. That she heard about it first and then identified with it. But that's often how people learn about their disorders. Sure, sometimes it can be wrong. But it shouldn't be treated as evidence against somebody as it is here.

Quick reminder that she started to hurt herself in group treatment.

Why would you suggest she go without therapy? Supposedly it worked out if we trust the clinicians' report. But I'm not so certain I do. I doubt they'd say "we told her to take a hike and then she was worse off than when we left her."

Now, the actual section focused on Lucille isn't the last time we'll hear about her, so let's skip ahead a bit.

This adds a bit more context to the earlier wording of her being "convinced" her mother abused her.

But the implications are a bit more terrifying to me. What was left out of this case study?

Lucille comes in experiencing chronic symptoms of DP/DR. She believes her mother abused her. The clinicians here seem to take the side of the mother in a peculiar way, describing Lucille's mother as "being unable to handle" the little girl.

After leaving therapy and coming back for a follow up, Lucille is saying, uncertainly, that the abuse she endured might not have happened.

Did the clinicians, as authority figures, also try to convince Lucille that her memories of abuse were false?

This feels extremely gaslighty to me.

This is actually a good practice. And is a huge problem I have with the anti-endo ideology is that it often encourages people to look for trauma to confirm systemhood. If you tell someone who is a system they need trauma to be a system, there is a real concern of them trying to fit themselves into that box.

But is the implication that Lucille fabricated her trauma after seeking treatment for DID, and never believed it prior? If so, that feels like an incredibly relevant detail to omit from your case study.

So their opinion, ultimately, is that these cases of "imitated DID" are fabricating trauma memories.

Essentially, this paper is advocating for False Memory Syndrome.

And worse, they admit there's no way to reliably assess suggestibility in these patients, since the authors claim the suggestibility is selective and the scale useless.

It comes down to the individual clinicians with their individual biases to determine who is or isn't an actual trauma survivor.

What is all of this REALLY about?

Now we get to the real point

While other parts of the paper pay lip service to helping patients, a large amount of it is focused on addressing malpractice complaints.

Here is some interesting wording. Shouldn't the interests of the patients be the priority of therapy?

I understand the intent behind this. But the wording presents an adversarial relationship between clinicians and hostile patients where clinicians are meant to act as judges and authority figures, and acting in the interests of the patients is "collusion."

Ideally, even if a patient were faking DID, giving them a more correct diagnosis would still be working in the best interests of the patients, right? At no point should acting in the patient's interest be presented as a bad thing as it is here.

Patients suing therapists over believed-malpractice are presented as seeking "attention and gratification."

I'd agree that it would be interesting to know what groups the suing patients fall into. But there would need to be a better way to make such an assessment.

Because if you're going to have cases like Sandra's, mentioned in the last post, where clinicians are forming biases based on her life history of self-medication with drugs and having an older boyfriend before they even observe her, this method isn't effective.

What would be really interesting to me is, if Sandra or Lucille had gone to another clinic, would the other clinics have judged their DID as being imitated? Or is this solely a result of the biases of these clinicians?

In contrast, would those clinics have judged other patients that this clinic said had "genuine" DID of having imitated DID.

Is there even the slightest bit of credence to this concept? Can it be consistently applied or is this just the opinions of one clinic being treated as gospel?

The goal of the whole paper is pushing False Memory Syndrome in a way that pushes responsibility from clinicians onto patients.

Over 20 years later, and this hypothesis is still groundless. Not just the hypothesis that those responsible for lawsuits are imitated DID cases, but even that second opinions could confirm their own case studies as being imitated DID.

This paper that started the "imitated DID" myth, the paper that led to the controversial McLean video, is based on nothing.

It was motivated not with the goal of helping patients with DID nor helping the patients they accuse of imitating DID, but by the self-interest of clinicians trying to protect themselves from malpractice complaints of patients they treat as hostile and adversarial.

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accountisunknowm · 2 years ago

Text

𝕄𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕪 𝕄𝕦𝕥𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕞𝕒𝕝 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤!

I adore this team and have so many headcannons so what better to start this blog off than with these guys?

TRIGGERS: Kidnapping, Mental disorders, Mentions of injuries, Mentions of guns

Leatherhead:

-Leatherhead has earned the nickname from Slash as the 'house wife' jokingly. Leatherhead is the main one who cooks, makes sure Pete is kept entertained, makes sure Rockwell takes breaks from his work to eat and drink and sleep, makes sure the whole team keeps up on cleaning the warehouse that is their make-shift lair, he does a lot for the team and they're ever so grateful (even if his dinner recipes are less than favorable, Leatherhead is still learning.) This big reptile is loving, caring, but if you dare fuck with anyone on the team you will be his next chew toy.

-Leatherhead takes daily anxiety medications and sleep medication. Rockwell created him medication to aid in his panic attacks and night terrors. Of course, even with the medication it doesn't go away, and sometimes will go off to Pete's room to sleep. He'd go to Slash but Slash may freak out seeing Leatherhead have a panic attack and may think there's a genuine threat. Rockwell would be the best to go to but he is always in his lab fucking around with dangerous stuff.

-Leatherhead is the most patient with Pete. He'll play with Pete by letting Pete chase his tail, he'll get Pete mirrors, bread, and make sure to reexplain anything if Rockwell is getting irritated. When the team said that Pete was being taken off duty, Leatherhead was understanding, but didn't want to kick Pete out. So, Pete stays in Leatherhead's room, which is actually helpful with Leatherhead's night terrors. He never has to spend the night alone or move to what is now Mondo's room.

-Leatherhead loves squeaky toys, and teddy bears. Mikey will bring him stuffed animals and now Leatherhead as a whole collection in his room. In his free time he'll chill in his stuffed animal horde listening to music.

-Rockwell diagnosed Leatherhead with Anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Leatherhead is very good at using his coping skills to get himself through rough patches and is good at vocalizing to the team what he needs.

-Music: Leatherhead likes 80s-90s rock, jazz, Rnb, and acoustic pop. However, he isn't too picky, and will listen to any records he finds. Those are just his favorites.

Slash:

-Slash is like the authoritative dad, he kinda has to be being the leader. Sometimes though he'll accidentally push the team past there limits, it doesn't take long before he realizes because Rockwell won't hesitate to snap at him, or slap him. He'll then give the team a day off from training and the whole day would be filled of him trying to make it up to them.

-He can't cook for shit. He almost burned down their makeshift kitchen. He's learning more though.

-Slash has pulled a Leo dozens of times, meaning he's damn near killed himself to protect the team. Leatherhead and Rockwell have threatened to put Slash on house arrest if he tries to do anything without them again or tries sacrifice himself.

-Slash goes to visit Raph twice every week. They're still pretty close, even after what happened with his brothers. Raph understands that the mutagen screwed up his brain and that he's a lot calmer and more logical now.

-Slash goes through a punching bag every week. It's a good thing Rockwell knows how to steal. He steals about 5 at a time and keeps them in what they converted to be a storage closet in the warehouse.

-Slash loves to watch WWE, True Crime, and John Wick during his free time. Sometimes Leatherhead will join but Leatherhead will go off to listen to music eventually. He also still likes eating lettuce, but instead of one leaf he'll eat half the head.

-Slash was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He also has relatively bad anger, hence the weekly replacements of his punching bags. He's not the best about opening up with his feelings, but eventually Leatherhead or Rockwell gets him to talk. It'll just take a while and they'd have to keep revisiting it.

-Music: Rock, Metal, Death trap, and occasionally some pop. He also likes a little bit of rap music, it reminds him of living at the lair and Mikey playing his music.

Pigeon Pete:

-Pete is very easily entertained, whether it be bird or dog toys, bread, TV, music, or playing with Leatherhead's tail, he's the easiest to keep entertained, despite this he can still get in the way of the others at times.

-I'd think that Pete was removed from the team for his own safety and the other's safety. While yes, he was annoying to all hell, they didn't want to kick him out without a genuine reason. During a mission, Pete almost got shot by a human and Slash got in the way to protect him. The bullet luckily didn't hit anything vital, or cause too much damage, but was still the 1st strike given Slash already told Pete to stay out of human sight. Another time, Pete clumsily fell off the roof and didn't fly in time, he landed on a human giving himself a minor concussion and the human a hairline fracture on the back of her skull. Second strike. The third and final strike was when Pete almost spilled a loose mutagen canister they found on Rockwell. Luckily Rockwell moved out of the way. The team decided to remove him from any outside missions, but still provide him a home, and he now resides in Leatherhead's room.

-He loves children cartoons, specifically Duck tails and Powerpuff girls. He doesn't like to admit to it though. He also enjoys Friends and Big Bang Theory, though he may not understand some jokes.

-He gets scared by horror movies. Slash and Rockwell love them however. Anytime Slash or Rockwell grabs the remote Pete speeds off to Leatherhead's room.

-He is hard to anger. He can get sassy but never that angry, there's rare times where he's actually angry. His reactions when pissed vary, if its a enemy he'll try to attack with blunt items. If it's someone from the team? He's petty. He'll take pillows and blankets and take them to doc's room, smother the pillows and blankets until there's fur on them, then drops them back off into the team member's room. He will also hide kitchen appliances, Lab equipment, or use up the hot water. He learned these tactics from Mondo.

-Pete is diagnosed with anxiety

-Music: Anything but metal. Metal scares him.

Mondo Gecko:

-Mondo is hardly actually home. He goes out to skate board often, or read comics with Mikey. When he is home he's helping out with cleaning, reading comic books, working out, or playing video games. He still wants to be a normal teen, despite his circumstances.

-He isn't the best fighter, and is still clumsy, but Slash sees potential in him. He does have some skill in using his legs from all the skate boarding, and coordination, but he struggles majorly with using his arms. Slash eventually equipped him with a kraang gun that Rockwell stole, and has Mondo going through online gun safety classes because you can never be too cautious with those things.

-Mondo secretly sees Slash as like a father or older brother. He's constantly reminding Slash of how grateful he is for him taking him in, he will find any excuse to spend time with him whether it be reading comics, working out together, or training against each other, and Slash doesn't mind in the slightest. As long as Slash isn't busy, he'll gladly spend time with the fellow reptile.

-Mondo struggles heavily with his self esteem and appearance. His parents rejecting him took a major hit to his mental health. The team always is there to help him through days where he struggles the most. Slash and Rockwell both hold a hatred for his parents for what they did to him.

-Mondo knows a little bit about how to drive, but not much. He cannot park too well. One day he stole a kraang truck carrying mutagen, tried to park it, and ran into the fire hydrant in the process. Rockwell is in the process of teaching him to drive. He's broken 5 street signs, 2 fire hydrents, 15 traffic cones,

-Mondo loves pets. He begs the team for a lizard or a dog. Slash however refuses for the simple reason that he fears their warehouse may get destroyed in another kraang attack, and wouldn't want an animal harmed.

-Mondo is a talented dancer. Sometimes if he hears Leatherhead or Rockwell's music he'll try to get Pete or Slash to dance with him. Pete always is up to dance with him, even if he's horrible at it.

-He likes action films, comedys, and some horror films even though he screams at every jump scare.

-Mondo was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. He isn't the best at vocalizing if he's having a rough day, but if Slash starts the conversation Mondo may open up after a bit.

-Music: He loves all forms of music except country, he likes a couple country songs but doesn't like 99% of the genre.

Dr. Rockwell: Warning- Gay headcannons, if you are homophobic or simply don't like these headcannons, please scroll.

-Rockwell and Falco used to be in a relationship. Their relationship used to be very healthy, up until Falco started experimenting with the mutagen. Rockwell used to be on board with the experiments until Falco grew obsessed with psychic powers, Rockwell then started voicing his concerns and disapproval. Falco was going to break up with Rockwell over this, before deciding he'd use him as a test subject. He told Rockwell to come to the lab saying he dropped the project, when Rockwell came in Falco knocked him out with a golf club.

-Because of the traumatic fallout of his and Falco's relationship and him kidnapping him, Rockwell refuses to talk about Falco at all. Anytime someone mentions Falco, Rockwell will levitate them out of the room, or try to change the subject.

-Rockwell moved from the UK to attend Colombia University. He always had a love for big cities, and his parents wanted him to follow his scientific ambitions. He met Falco when he obtained a job under him at their laboratory.

-Rockwell knows piano, acoustic guitar, and electric guitar, and knows how to sing. He doesn't like singing in front of people however, and it's rare he'll play anything for the team. But sometimes he'll sing along to songs in his lab when he thinks the team is sleeping, however Slash and Pete are typically outside the lab doors listening.

-Rockwell is the team medic, If anyone else tries to do his job he gets very upset because they could've treated the wounds wrong. He also gets very upset if the team misses their medications and will force them to take it somehow.

-Rockwell sheds like a husky. There's so much fur. It's everywhere. On the couch, on Mondo's clothes even though Mondo isn't anywhere near him, all over Rockwell's room, there's not a single place that doesn't have his fur. He has to use his psychic abilities to conduct experiments because he doesn't want his fur to mess it up. He also isn't allowed in the kitchen.

-Rockwell, despite making sure everyone else take care of themselves, is highly neglectful of his own needs. He forgets to eat all the time, doesn't drink water- only energy drinks and coffee, forgets to brush his fur, doesn't take his meds, doesn't sleep, he just works most of the time. Slash and Leatherhead have to check daily if he's had food and taken breaks.

-Rockwell's helmet gives him headaches and migraines. He always forgets to take it off, even when he does sleep. The amount of pain medication he uses genuinely makes Leatherhead worried.

-Rockwell goes to see April often to help her with her psychic abilities. Sometimes they make fun of Donnie a bit during this, but Rockwell does worry over their friendship and keeps telling April that she needs to tell Donnie clearly if she wants a relationship or not, and to tell him if she wants him to stop flirting. He also visits Donnie quite often to assist in mutagen experiments, and just to banter with him.

-Rockwell loves true crime, horror films, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Repo The Genetic Rock Opera. He tends to watch these by himself on his laptop in the lab, he doesn't want to frighten Pete. Some nights he'll watch in the living room with Slash though.

-He painted his bedroom with chalkboard paint, and did the same to the lab. His lab and room is coated in his experiment notes.

-Music: Rock, Nu-metal, Classical, Tim Burton soundtracks, Pop, and acoustic pop.

-Rockwell is diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and anorexia. He doesn't tend to talk about how he's feeling, instead he takes it out in bouts of anger, sarcasm, and sometimes destroying his own lab. Normally if someone tries to talk to him he waves them off. He also can't sleep, due to his night terrors, instead he prefers meditating.

These are just opinions on the characters/team. Don't take this to heart or too seriously. I'd love to write stories based on some of these though! Let me know which other characters/fandoms to make headcannons for, or what headcannons to add in.

#2012 tmnt #headcanon #slash tmnt #mondo gecko #leatherhead #dr rockwell #pigeon pete #trigger warnings

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heystephen · 7 months ago

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Hi, I saw your post about your dog (I've been lurking here for Eras) and I feel the same way about my dog and have been through something kinda similar so I thought I may be able to provide some info. Feel free to totally ignore this! For me, when I'm in a panic bc something is wrong with my dog I really struggle thinking through dense information so I'd let you know what I've learned.

First, for the cost breakdown, there's the cost of the X-Ray and getting it interpreted. Both of those are defintely high, I know that price is pretty location dependent but have you called around to other vets? Many won't send out for a specialist unless its necessary but many will no matter what (less reputable practices doing the latter). I know you want the best care for your dog so I'd ask other vets even if they can't see you in time, would a specialist be necessary initially for a suspected blockage? I'd also question how long that would take (some are basically instant others can be hours). Secondly, the bloodwork. I'd ask are they doing that after the X-Ray? If the X-Ray shows a blockage is it all necessary? The basic CBC would be the most likely to still be needed, and some prefer to always do a Chem test with that to get the full picture. But the HW test is extremely unlikely, especially if your dog has been recently tested (like when you last got the prescription) and he's been on the heartworm medicine regularly. And the SDMA test - if its a blockage do they still need to test his kidneys? Lastly, the sedation (which I know has been discounted) but I'd ask if it was needed. X-Rays are quick and the techs should be experienced with behavioral conditions -its a questionable extra expense.

Finally, there are a lot of different options for financing if it turns out to be something expensive. Call different vets about this too. Chain vets like Banfield etc are going to be the most predatory so make sure to call lots of vet-owned practices. And don't be afraid of trying the "best vet in the best neighborhood" type of place, they often can work with people who can't pay upfront better bc they have the means versus practices who advertise that they can work with you on payment. And lastly, emergency clinics aren't all crazy expensive if your dog ends up needing emergency care and you can call several in advance and ask about prices.

I'll be keeping you and your dog in my thoughts and I hope everything works out okay! And I hope this has been useful to you

i really appreciate you taking the time to go through and share your thoughts and ideas about the whole thing.

as far as the cost of the X-ray, interpretation and the suggested blood test, i understand that that’s pretty standard for the area i live in. i called around a lot of clinics in my area and even like, miles outside of my town and asked how much they’d charge for the same things and not only were the costs similar or higher but a majority of them said they’d have to charge a fee as well for an initial exam as my dog isn’t a patient with them. his regular vet is amazing and so kind about working with clients who need payment plans or deals but he’s booked out until the new year and referred me to the clinic we’re going to tomorrow. unfortunately, the sedation is necessary. he’s very fearful and combative about exams and being handled by strangers.. thankfully, the chem cbc and sdma were more like secondary suggestions, should the X-rays not reveal anything so i guess i’ll cross that bridge if i get to it. but i’ll still be calling around to the last minute

im exploring my options, grants and funds and what not and exhausting every avenue i can. hopefully i find one! i did get in touch with a local group who said they may be able to help with his treatment once he’s diagnosed

thank you for your thoughts, it really means the world and it was very kind of you to offer them 💙

#i got mail*#anonymous

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grae-98 · 11 months ago

Text

Treatment

Chapter 6

Set between 1880-1890, You have been feeling and acting off. After visiting the doctor's he sends you off to stay in Pelican Town where you are set to receive treatment for your condition. Upon arrival you learn the doctor administering these treatments is better than you think.

Harvey/ unnamed afab!reader

2nd pov

3,005 words

trigger warnings: reader is diagnosed with hysteria, mentions of depression, cheating/ adultery, doctor/ patient relationship, mentions of infertility

smut tags: No smut in this one sorry peeps

notes: i do have this posted on ao3 if you'd prefer to read it there.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

“What news do you bring me of my husband?” Your nerves now on high.

“Would you prefer if it was delivered to you in the form of good or poor news?” He asks after you motion for him to sit. He sits himself in the same spot he was seated before your arrival. Setting his hat on the table he beings,

“Both, I would imagine. What could you possibly say that would support both good and poor news?” Taking a cup of tea for yourself and letting the gentleman to retrieve his own should he want.

“You see, you have more than enough claim to divorce your husband. I found plenty of documents proving your husband’s fault.” He speaks with agency. He sounds very proud and keen in his profession to hold himself the way he does.

He produced the same leather crafted satchel from his hip. Opening the flap he digs pointedly, as if looking for the correct bundle of papers. He took several pages held together in a large envelope from the large opening. Handing it over to you, you open the large paper flap with care. You read the first the pages singularly. Each titled with misdoings by your husband, but the one that captures your attention was a detailed encounter of trailing him.

‘2nd of September 1892. [Suspected Affair]

Left home by 9:00 AM. Caught a coach to ride further into city.

10:23 AM met with a woman [Madaline Jacobson]. On Markers Street. Unable to decern conversation topics. Woman led him into the proprietors dwelling.

11:07 Emerged from dwelling wherein he rapidly departed via coach once more.

12:16 Luncheon with colleagues in restaurant located on 13th street.

1:10 Set coach towards workplace.

6:10 Left from work to return home, no longer seen for the evening.

Upon further investigation of the dwelling entered; it was a simple house for ladies. The women inside offered no speculation as to any prostitution that may be fostered on the property. Spoke with Madaline Jacobson for her details of the conversation in question, offered little to no information regarding the subject. All that was said is that he frequents often and when broached to the matter of duration she noted that he’d been visiting for nearly two years.

End of day.’

You lay the paper down before the man and ask him if he had anymore documents relating to the whorehouse. His eyes sparked with light as he points to a page further in the stack that you were holding. Cycling through the pages until you come across the tattered paper. The second of the pages cleanly typed or transcribed from handwritten notes to allow them to be more easily read through.

‘17th of October 1892. [Markers Street House]

Interview with Evelyn Bushell.

I: How long have you been seeing this gentleman?

E: Around six month now. Why should it matter to you?

I: I wished to understand your connection to him. I assure you there will be no consequences to you for your cooperation with my questioning.

E: How can I be sure of that?”

I: I am a man of my word. Please do tell me.

E: When he first started arriving on a regular basis he came only once every two month or so. He would explain that his wife couldn’t perform her duties and relied on an outside source so to speak to help make for the loss.’

You stop reading for a moment to choke on the air within your throat. Sputtering an apology to the man. He had told others of your faults that you had no control over. And the others that he told of this curse was with a whore no doubt. With your eyes becoming misty you continue reading.

‘I: So you were aware of his wife since the beginning?

E: We all did. He offered us great money for the person who would help him conceive an heir.

I: Sounds almost regal when you say it in such a manner.

E: It felt strange at first. Being propositioned to carry a bastard child for him, however he offered 20 dollars a week for the rest of our lives to who may do it. Who are we to turn down that sort of money?

I: So how long did it take before he would conceived a child out of wedlock?

E: You see, that’s the thing. He hadn’t. He started with Mary. He settled with Mary for a number of months before he berated her for having the same affliction as his wife. He moved on to Edith, then Margaret. He was still finding that he would not father this child. That was until he met Jane. Within a span of a month, he was visiting nearly twice a week.

I: When did the increase of visitation happen?

E: Around a year or so. When he met Jane and increased his visitations, she fell pregnant. He was overjoyed. None of us had seen him with that mirth. Only then after just six weeks Jane was stricken ill and left us.

I: By left us you mean?

E: Tuberculosis.

I: I see.

E: Yes, we miss her dearly, even still. That was nearly 10 month ago.

I: How did the gentleman respond to her passing?

E: Anger mainly. He decided to double his efforts then. Thus you have Madaline and myself.

I: Still no pregnancy?

E: None of us have it in us to tell him that he is likely unable. Janes pregnancy couldn’t even be known if the babe where even to be his. The woman had a penance for money as though she never had any. She would work the most of us some nights. Who is to say that whatever child she held was his, but she would make him believe it so.

I: This has been truly informative. Should you ever need my services do not hesitate to call upon me.

E: Thank you.

End of Interview’

Placing the page down against the table. That is all you can stomach to read for now. You stare past the man, mind running faster than you can seem to keep up with it.

‘It had never been your fault?’ You think to yourself. ‘You had no barren womb as you’ve been scolded time and time again. You were not the gods’ failure.’ Anger began to burn hot against your mind. The countless months as you watched your menstruation cycle begin to feel the disappointment. Especially knowing that you would have to tell your husband that yet another month and you were still without child.

With more force than intended you slam the pages against the table by the others and stand abruptly. Suddenly feeling hot, like your blood was boiling in your veins you call for Haley. The nothing yet but tea in your stomach rose like a vile rat coming to surface in the sewers. Haley is by your side quickly after hurried steps make their way from the kitchen. Placing her hand on your forehead and steadying your elbow in the other.

“Sir, thank you for bringing these in. I will have to look to them further at a later point. I must apologize I am feeling quite unwell as of this moment. Should you excuse me, one of my men will show you out.”

“Yes of course. These are for you to keep for yourself. I have my own copies for Mr. Acunin to examine. I would sense just from what you read alone will be enough of a case in your favor.”

Taking the pages from the table and bringing them to your room with the company of Haley by your side you haphazardly toss them upon the writing desk in your room.

“Haley, I would like for you to call for Robin tomorrow. I wish to speak with her about what I have just read.”

“Ma’am, what happened? Are you alright?” She asks with genuine concern as she approaches you from behind.

“No, I’m not alright. My heart is broken, I feel as though I cannot breathe, my dress on me feels like I am going to suffocate inside of it at any moment!”

With this you begin to weep. All these months and you have never cried for the life that you left behind. You’ve been angry, hurt, sad but you had yet to cry. As though your mind and soul were making for the lost year, you shed tears that were strikingly hot; and they pushed past your cheeks as though they were attempting to race the other. As your shoulders shook in anguish you feel Haley’s arms wrap around your shoulders. More weight around you helps ease the turbulence of your mind. The tears in your eyelashes made for them to be stuck together under the weight. Attempting to look at Haley to offer your gratitude you can see she had begun to cry with you.

“Why do you cry?” You ask, voice wavering.

“I feel your suffering and I hate to see you like this.” She responds while holding your hug tighter.

“Do not feel pity for me Haley, it only makes me feel worse.” A hiccup escapes you after.

“No pity.” She speaks your name when she releases her hold on you. Causing you to look at her face.

“I feel no pity for you. Sympathy. Please, tell me what has happened.” Temporarily regaining your ability of rational thought, you point to the lightly colored wooden desk. Haley steps away from your bedside. The weight of her comfort was missed dearly as you look upon her. Haley began to lift the papers for her to read. Scanning each of the pages much as you did before coming back to your side. She hands you a particular stack of papers.

The short and wide half piece of paper on top read ‘Western Union’ on the top in large easy to discern script. The yellowish paper addressed to your husband reads as:

Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town 4th of March 1892

Progress notes sent by mail. Will keep informed of any notes in the future.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan

You blink in confusion. Looking up to Haley, she locks eyes on you before she nods her head to you ushering you to keep reading.

Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town 13th of May 1892

Remarkable progress shown by wife. 10 weeks. Need of written or verbal consent to continue treatment should want be desired.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

Reading through each of the correspondence Harvey sent to your husband. Your eyebrows raise in surprise.

Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town 23rd of June 1892

Your wife’s 16-week treatment course is complete. Should you find time to collect you are most welcome to visit.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan

Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town 4th of July 1892

Sir, response is necessary for the dissolution of treatment. Respond by Friday 8 July.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town 13th of July 1892

To allow your wife to stay here is choice. It is your property, should you keep her here is your decision to make. Treatment is no longer necessary for your wife’s condition.

-Mailed notes, detailed each visit. Should you request second copies I will oblige.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town 18th of September 1892

Good to hear from you. Your wife is well and has recently decided that she prefers to stay here [interpretation by friends].

Perhaps a visit from her nephews will lift her spirits during lonesome days.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

You find no other telegrams. Setting down the papers onto the layered coverings of the bed you allow Haley to sit beside you once more. The tears from just a short time ago have long since faded and you are left with a similar type of anger that you felt before. Only this time not only was it directed at the man whom you were wed but the man that helps occupy your bed.

“We are to go back into town.” You speak flatly.

“Are you sure ma’am?” She speaks with shock.

“Quite. I need to speak with my doctor regarding the treatments I have been receiving for nearly the last 25 weeks. You read that as well as I did, correct?” You pick the telegrams into your hands while scanning them over once more.

“In that he said your treatment was completed in July?”

“June, so I did read that correctly. We are to go into town. You may accompany me to Doctor Harvey if you so wish, but I will be fine on my own once we go. Today is Sunday so the clinic will not be open.”

“I will have the boys prepare the horses.”

“Very good Haley and thank you.”

Creaking the door open to the clinic was odd. This was certainly more than an ordinary visit. Remembering just eight hours prior how Harvey held you in his arms as you woke together for the first time. You reminisce on each kiss you shared that morning after you were stolen from sleep. You can still feel the remnants of his spend, which this morning felt wholesome but now feels nauseating.

Bracing yourself as you take each stair at a time. The pages of one-sided telegrams held securely in your purse. Reaching the final step towards the door to his apartment you let out a deep sigh. Knocking politely before you hear a startled shuffle on the other side. Opening the door with hesitancy you see Harvey visibly relax once he sees that it is you.

“My darling, what a pleasant surprise! I was sure I was not going to see you until Wednesday!” Harvey says joyfully opening his door all the way to allow you to enter.

“Hello Harvey.” He leans in to offer you a kiss to which pains you to turn your head on his advancement. You use the excuse of placing your hand muff onto the table beside his door.

“What has you troubled my love? You look despondent.” He once again tries his affection by this time attempting to take your hands. Quickly smoothing your hands over your dress front to opening your purse to retrieve the telegrams to show Harvey. Folding the pages between your hands before he can see them so you may speak.

“I need to speak with you about something quite serious. I wish for you to be most honest with me.”

“You have me frightened.”

“I am most frightened here Harvey.” He stares at you with concern mixed with confusion written on his face. You hand him the telegrams. He takes them in his hands before the mask of whatever he was wearing breaks. The hard lines of his forehead fade instantly as he realizes what you had just placed into his hands.

“Where on Earth did you get these?” He asks. Pushing them back towards you as though they had burnt him.

“Harvey, I told you that I was to divorce my husband. My attorney hired a private detective to collect information of my husbands wrong doings. To find him at fault so that way I am eligible for remarriage!” You gather the pages in your hands. Picking through each of them, examining them for the third time as to truly not miss any information.

“I don’t understand why you have these specifically.”

“They were included with the rest of the documents that I was delivered this morning by the detective.”

“Is this why you’ve come to see me so soon then.”

“I will state it plainly. My intentions for this visit was for me to read my own progress notes.”

Harvey is silent for nearly a minute before answering. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you read them.”

“And why might that be.”

“I was told that I was only to share progress notes with the doctor of the initial diagnosis and your husband.”

“I need to see them no Harvey. This is no laughing manner. I wish to read these for good reason.”

“I am sure there is a perfect reason for you to want to read these, but I am sorry I am bound to not share them with you.”

“Gods damn you Harvey!” You expel in anger. The shock on his face turns to slight disbelief. “It is my information and now I am to demand to read the notes that were written on behalf of my wellbeing in regards to a mental illness that I never had!”

“My heart, I know you are upset. Please there is no need to curse.”

“Do not.” Your anger is beginning to turn quiet.

“Do not?”

“Do not call me that. Do. Not. Call me anything of the sort. I need to know if my husband has any ground to prove me in anyway incapacitated. I need to know if he will convince the state that I am insane based from the information that my doctor has shared with him.”

“It is like you hardly know me. I could never do such a thing, say such a thing!”

“Oh, can you not? I have come to learn that you have been trying to send me home since May. Is this not true?” Harvey has nothing to say as you lay the first 10-week telegram on the table.

“Or perhaps it was then in July when you tried to send me home once more.” Placing the second sheet on top of the other.

“Could it be that I am right in being wary of you seeing since this telegram here says that my treatment was concluded. June 23rd to today January 15th. There have been a total of 57 treatments and yet no word that they were concluded. I learn that my husband, who has abandoned me mind you, has been frequenting the city’s whorehouse; and I learn that the man that I had fallen in love with has lied to me, purposely, for months. All in the same day. Within nearly the same hour.”

“I have an explanation. Please do listen, I have a reason I promise.”

“Yes, I will happily listen.” Harvey who is clearly of anxious mind begins to attempt to speak before you hold your hand to him yielding him to stop.

“I shall only listen to you if you allow me to read my own progress notes.”

Harvey grips your hand that was put in front of him as he speaks your name so weakly. “I cannot let you read the notes.”

“Then, Doctor Sullivan, I believe we are finished.” His eyes open wide as you stare at him. Eyes glassy and face devoid of emotion and you gently pull your hand free of his.

“You’ve never called me- “

“That is correct. And in the hate I feel for you in this moment will warrant the coolness that you shall receive from me from this moment forward. I am to return to the city with or without my husband’s permission. Since my treatment has been concluded, I have no reason to stay.”

“Have you no reason to stay?”

“No longer is there a reason for one.”

#smut #stardew harvey #harvey smut

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