#to learn how to diagnose a patient and make sure they understand

[werevampiwolf]

Also, people can change from how they were raised. My parents are low-key white supremacists (low-key in that they'd say they weren't if you asked, but if you read them some talking points with no context, they'd agree with them). Consequently, I had to unlearn a lot of things once I got old enough to understand what was going on (and was allowed to access outside information, because I was kept extremely sheltered and isolated for most of my childhood). I did need people to give me some level of patience and space to possibly mess up as I learned. I'm not talking about saying the N-word or something; that's not something I ever liked. I'm talking like "wow, you're really pretty for a [insert thing here] girl" or asking to touch someone's 4C hair. I wasn't taught as a small child that that was rude, and was actually taught that things that were a lot more "macro" than microagressions were okay, so I had to learn where the line is. I like to think that I would have still powered through in learning not to be how I was raised if people were constantly jumping down my throat for every little thing, even though I was trying my best, but I can't actually say that for sure. I'm only human, after all, and I was just a teenager at that.

(I'm not exaggerating on what my parents are like, either. My parents made me promise when I was 8 (in 2004) that I would never date or marry outside my (white) race, and my parents still defended that the last time I brought it up, because "no one wants mixed babies.")

And I'm also a disabled trans queer who's also a leftist, and the only person I've ever been in a relationship with was mixed race. You obviously can date a person of color and still be racist though (also see "i have a black friend"), but my point is that even though I didn't keep the agreement, I can't change the fact that I did still make that agreement in the first place. Though I don't blame myself too much for that particular incident because I was 8; I wasn't even really conceptualizing dating in anything but the broadest of strokes yet (and I ended up being demi ace). Also, I really wouldn't have had the option to refuse, and doing so would have put me in danger. I didn't know it at the time, but my mother had already planned to kill me a few years prior for being "difficult" (AKA having autism that they refused to let me get diagnosed with). I'm pretty sure the only reason she didn't was because she wasn't sure she'd be able to overpower me without help from my dad, since I was always big and strong for my age, and my mother has had a severe back injury my entire life.

This isn't just a me patting myself on the back either. My point is that people can actually change, but you do need to let them. You don't have to forgive them, but no one is ever going to get better if they feel like they're not allowed to. They may be taking a real risk by even considering "disloyalty". You think neo-nazi groups let you just walk away and become a leftist without a fight? They don't. And even if they're not putting themselves in physical danger, it's still very isolating to leave behind your friends and family and start over. (I never had to leave a neo-nazi group, though I know someone who did, but I have experienced the isolation from leaving everything behind.)

Just... try and be patient with those who are fighting with you, who are still learning but are trying their best.

Never forget that acceptance of far-right ideals (ie tradwives, terfs, casual racism) in liberal spaces is a huge part of why today’s radicalization is so widespread and unquestioned

[necr0lysis]

fellow people who have something different about them: i am urging you to ask your doctors for written documentation of your diagnoses!

it doesn't matter if it's a general doctor a therapist a neurologist a specialist it doesn't matter!!!

just PLEASE have written proof that you are struggling or different or need medical attention or you experience things "wrong"

not only will it aid in fighting off imposter syndrome but take it from me, you do NOT want to be asked by a new doctor "what are your current diagnoses" and all you can say is "um you know i think i might have this and i was being tested for it but the doctor never actually told me he was diagnosing me w it so idk"

i have memory issues. i also do not understand people when they are vague. my psychiatrist diagnosed me with adhd by WHISPERING under his breath "adhd combined type" which of course isn't gonna validate me AT ALL WHEN I TOLD HIM I NEED TO READ IT ON PAPER FOR IT TO REGISTER IN MY BRAIN

here's the thing. having one thing wrong with you, makes you more likely to have other things wrong with you. you're physically disabled? chances are you deal with brain fog or memory issues or confusion. you deserve a written diagnosis! you're neurodivergent? chances are you have memory issues or ruminating thoughts or lower cognition. you deserve a written diagnosis!

[cy-cyborg]

I've seen my new GP twice now, and omg I didn't realise how bad things were with my previous one until now. Like I knew it was bad, but having someone who actually listens and cares to contrast to makes the shitty treatment stand out so much more. Some of the highlights:

My memory isn't great, so my partner wrote out a full report of what had been happening with a list of symptoms and a timeline of the most recent events, as well as printed versions of whatever tests results we could get before we arrived. Id summerised it at the top because every doctor id been to never reads what i give them, even when its from other doctors, but he read all of it, and asked clarifying questions as he did to make sure we were on the same page.

He actually read what little bits of my medical history had access to (while I've never seen this doctor before, I attended this clinic as a child, which was when most of the stuff associated with my primary disability was happening, so he could see that) and agreed that there is almost certainly something chronic going on that he will gladly investigate once the immediate issue is dealt with.

The fact I was autistic came up at some point, and I explained that I'm not formally diagnosed. My current psychologist and one other has done all the testing they can and they were both very confident I am autistic, but we can't get the formal diagnosis without a review from a neuropsyc because of something in my history, and I don't have the money to do that. My autistic traits are in my medical files but they're incorrectly attributed to something else. He was incredibly understanding of that and told me not to stress about the diagnosis (unless i want to, in which case he said hed support me from his end if he can) and asked if I could get something from my psychologist to explain how this might effect my treatment (not noticing symptoms, not being able to articulate problems consistently etc) so he knows what additional support I might need in the clinic.

He admitted to not knowing things, and told me how he was going to go about fixing that gap in his knowledge before my next appointment. For example, He admitted to never having a trans patient before, but that he's going to do some research on his own time to learn what he needs to do to be a better Dr for me.

He asked me to get some scans from a previous hospital stay, and picked up that I was hesitant. mum was with me and explained my auditory processing issues and how it makes communicating via phone hard. he told me not to stress and said he can get the receptionist to do it with my concent.

A lot of these aren't big things, but they make the world of difference when you have a complex medical history and its so refreshing just to feel heard after all this

[calware]

post about me. i added pictures to keep it interesting

i've had a problem for most of my life that i'm currently visualizing as a gray dorito poking into me. it's frustrating, inconvenient, difficult to deal with, and overall makes everything suck a little. many people have told me that this problem is most likely adhd, such as my therapist in high school who said it was "textbook." unfortunately, she was just a therapist, not a psychiatrist, and therefore wasn't actually qualified to diagnose me with anything. this was in 2021 when there were no child psychiatrists in my area accepting new patients (thanks, covid), so instead my doctor gave me a few adhd meds at differing doses to see if any of them stuck (i had literally no reaction to Any of them) and the whole thing went nowhere

so, is the problem actually adhd? i'm an adult now and could pay several hundred dollars (of my parent's money) to get a proper test, but it would make no difference as my issues would not be solved by adhd medication (maybe. i'm worried i somehow messed it up) or any form of accommodations. i don't want to ask my parents to pay for something that likely won't have much impact (and my mom wouldn't be fully convinced anyway. both parents are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me). i want to know, but the time and money don't justify it. so the best solution i have is to keep going, keep learning which lifestyle changes to make and how to "work smarter". i'll be okay. and i say that with sincerity

whoops, forgot my glasses here. this is another gray dorito-shaped problem, only this one is much smaller. i rarely notice it, and when i do, it's superficial. it's only gotten genuinely bad twice in my life. it's my paranoia, obsessiveness, and, on occasion, compulsions that follow those obsessions. now, i know what you're thinking, which is that it kind of sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. frankly, from my understanding, my issue is so negligible that it doesn't qualify as OCD. like i said, it barely affects me. it still bothers me that it's there, though. i do my best to deal with it, letting my thoughts pass as they come to me and not trying not to give into/breaking out of compulsions, but i just don't want it there at all

this is another thing i could see a therapist about, but does a problem this small really justify the time and expenses of seeing a professional? not in my case (not for me, at least. don't apply this to your own problems if you genuinely want to seek professional help)

i have a goal to have enough disposable income later in life to justify paying a scientist to pick through my brain for my own amusement. because, despite no substantial foreseeable improvements to my mental health after getting a psych evaluation, i still find the idea to be really exciting. i have a strong desire to understand how my mind works, how my brain ticks, why i am the person i am. that's how i know that if i ever played sburb, id have the heart aspect (that's right. you thought that this was just a personal post on my homestuck blog that had nothing to do with homestuck. do you really think i would do that? make off-topic posts solely about me on a homestuck blog? look, i even remembered to draw my glasses this time and i made them homestuck glasses. because i care about you guys) and i am vain and self-centered enough to desperately want someone with a phd to talk about me for an hour. and no, i don't need a therapist to tell me why that is, i already figured that one out allllll on my own

[viviennevermillion]

hello!! i'm absolutely in love with your writing and your posts!! (they're so inspiring seriously)

anyway- i was wondering if i could request Blade with a chronically ill s/o? no specific illness required! just the reader generally being under the weather a lot and exhausted, and how he reacts & takes care of them :)

thank you!! have a lovely day/night <3

With a chronically ill s/o

✧ ɴᴏᴛᴇꜱ: thank you so much for the request! i feel this bc i've just been diagnosed with two of 'em chronic illnesses (GERD and cough variant asthma) this year and it's been wearing me down before i figured out how to properly manage it. i hope you like this request! also you said i'm converting you to sampo so i'm adding him to this post.

if any readers would like to be on my star rail taglist, feel free to notify me (+ for which characters you want to be tagged). if i find you're on my dni, i will block instead.

✧ ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ: i'll be there — gabriella bee

✧ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀꜱ: blade, sampo

✧ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: none

Blade is a very patient and attentive boyfriend. He already thinks existence is a pain so he does whatever he can to make sure you feel better and comfortable. When you have a particularly bad day he'll definitely stay with you if you want him to.

When he first learns of your illness, he makes sure to do enough research to understand it. Kafka found him sitting at a desk with a stack of books about your condition to make sure he's prepared for anything. She'd lean against the door frame with a smile on her face, watching him for a moment before making herself known. "That's so sweet of you", she chuckles and Blade turns his head. "Mind your own business."

Kafka definitely snitches and tells you about how much effort he put into understanding you and your condition

He makes sure to talk with you about it as well. He asks you what symptoms you have, how they feel for you and what you found helps you when you feel under the weather.

Literally asks Elio to predict what your condition will be like in the coming days. If it's a day where your illness flares up particularly bad, he makes sure to get all the items that help you and medications you need in advance.

He does not tell you that he does this; you just think the Stellaron Hunters are very medically prepared.

If Elio predicts that you'll have a particularly good day, Blade makes sure to take you out on a date. Maybe a picnic in nature or a nice dinner somewhere where there isn't a chance of someone trying to arrest him.

He listens to what you say you need at the moment. If you need space and rest, he will happily oblige but if you feel better with his comfort, he'll lay down next to you and wraps an arm around you from behind, snuggling close to you.

Blade has a satisfied smile on his face when he finds you in a peaceful sleep despite your symptoms or pain. He presses a soft kiss to your forehead, careful not to wake you. He feels you snuggle closer to him in your sleep and it makes his heart flutter to find a smile on your face.

If he feels like you might need to eat or might be hungry when you wake up, he pays someone to bring you a nice (and suitable) meal to your doorstep. When you wake up, he asks you how you are feeling and tells you that he hopes you had a nice rest while nuzzling your cheek. "I got you lunch", he says softly and exactly in that moment the door to your room opens and you get your meal.

He assists you with whatever tasks may fall on your plate if you're ready to accept his help. He makes sure the other Stellaron Hunters go easy on you and don't give you any tasks that you feel you might not be able to handle on days where your illness flares up.

If you sent him a text message saying you're not feeling well and need his comfort at the moment, he'd literally drop everything to be by your side.

Blade has lived for a long time and he has seen quite a few cases of chronic illness so he's fairly adapt at being there for you. He's worried about you sometimes but he also knows you're living with chronic illness every day, so you know best what helps you and he trusts that you will take good care of things and reach out to him when you need him.

If you need a distraction, he'll be happy to read to you or play a board game with you or take a walk etc.; whatever you feel up to in the moment!

Sampo is super worried about you at first when you tell him you have a chronic illness because he's super inexperienced with the topic and has no idea what to do whatsoever. So he asks you what that means for you and what exactly your illness is, but there's definitely unrest in his voice.

With time, he fusses over you less and learns to correct some of the worst case scenarios in his head when you told him about it. Sometimes you need to bonk him with a "Sampo, I'm not dying" reminder but he's getting there.

Of course he could look up your condition in books and inform himself about it properly like Blade, but this idea does not occur to him. Instead, if you tell him that you're feeling under the weather, he just like,,,, gets everything, just to be sure. He reassures you that with Natasha around, you'll be in good hands and he promises to her not to try and scam her anymore so long as she takes good care of his love.

You text him that you're not feeling well and that your illness is flaring up and two hours later Sampo enters your home with four comically large bags. "Hey love, I'm home", he calls out to you, "I didn't know what you needed, so I got everything to be sure."

And he really did get everything. You rummage through the bags and raise an eyebrow at him like: "Sampo, what in the name of the Aeons is all this stuff?" There's 3 additional blankets, a hot water bottle, several over-the-counter medications, a couple of prescription meds that Sampo swears he "actually had a prescription for, don't worry about where I got them", healing crystals which he knows are "probably a scam, but there's no harm in trying and they compliment your eyes"; herbs, soup and medical equipment.

A lot of it has actually 0 to do with your condition but he wasn't 100% sure, so he just brought it. You may not need a humidifier, but you own one now.

The highlight is when he says "hold up, there's one more thing", exits your place and comes back a minute later with an entire echocardiac machine. You might not even have a heart condition. "Sampo...what- did you steal that?", you raise an eyebrow. "I found it and thought it might be useful, so I borrowed it", he says and kisses you to distract you from the topic.

Needless to say from that day on you only send him out with a shopping list and tell him to only explicitly get what you told him you need.

If you ever have any heart symptoms he's like "See? This is why we have the echo machine." "Did you learn literally anything?", you shake your head and sigh.

Sampo may not be the most adapt at handling your chronic illness, but he's got the spirit and Natasha is willing to explain things to him as well.

Regardless of how you're feeling, Sampo always manages to make you smile at the end of the day.

When you need rest he's more than happy to cuddle you and spoil you. He'd wrap you in a blanket and repeatedly kisses your temple, whispering to you that he loves you. "Don't worry", he speaks softly and kisses your forehead, "Sampo Koski will always be here for you. I'm sure you'll feel better soon. At least you don't have a Stellaron in your body." "What's a Stellaron?" "Don't worry about it."

Overall, he's confused but he's very dedicated.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

New research has found that 33.6% of surveyed healthcare workers in England report symptoms consistent with post-COVID syndrome.

New research from the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology & Neuroscience (IoPPN) at King's College London, and University College London has found that 33.6% of surveyed healthcare workers in England report symptoms consistent with post-COVID syndrome (PCS), more commonly known as Long COVID. Yet only 7.4% of respondents reported that they have received a formal diagnosis.

The research is part of the wider long-term NHS CHECK study that is tracking the mental and physical health of NHS staff throughout and beyond the COVID-19 pandemic. Other research by NHS CHECK has included healthcare workers’ experiences of support services, prevalence of mental health problems, moral injury, and suicidal thoughts.

The study used the NICE definition of Long COVID, which includes symptoms like fatigue, cognitive difficulties, and anxiety for 12 weeks or more after they've had COVID.

After four and a half years since it was first described, there is still a lot to learn about Long COVID. This study has sought to explore how common Long COVID is among healthcare workers and if certain people are more likely to develop it than others.

“PCS can have a dramatic impact on a person’s day to day life. If we are to ensure that the healthcare workers, and wider population, affected by it receive the best possible care and support, we need to address both the physiological and psychosocial mechanisms behind it.”

-Dr Sharon Stevelink, Reader in Epidemiology and one of the study’s authors from King's IoPPN

The research was led by Dr Danielle Lamb, Senior Research Fellow at University College London’s Institute of Epidemiology & Health Care, who said “COVID-19 has not gone away. We know that more infections mean more people are at risk of developing Long COVID. This research shows that we should be particularly concerned about the impacts of this on the health and social care sector, especially in older and female workers, and staff with pre-existing physical and mental health conditions. We now need to better understand the complex interplay between biomedical, psychological, and social factors that affect people's experiences of Long COVID, and how healthcare workers with this condition can best be supported.”

The study team collaborated with a Patient and Public Involvement and Engagement (PPIE) panel of 16 healthcare workers with Long COVID. The panel helped design the research by developing the study questions, shaping the analysis, and interpreting the results.

The study’s Co-Lead, Dr Brendan Dempsey, Research Fellow at University College London, said “Collaborating with the healthcare workers who formed our PPIE group has been really important in making sure that we are conducting research that is relevant to them. They also helped interpret our results, sharing their own experiences of living with Long COVID and working in the NHS.”

To gather the survey findings, data was gathered from over 5,000 healthcare workers across three surveys spanning 32 months. The research found that potential risk factors for Long COVID included: being female, being between 51 and 60 years of age, directly working with COVID-19 patients, having pre-existing respiratory conditions, and having existing mental health issues.

The lack of formal diagnosis, despite the widespread prevalence of symptoms, raises concerns that healthcare professionals with Long COVID symptoms are not seeking care or are not being diagnosed. The research team calls for urgent improvements in diagnostic practices and access to support for those living with Long COVID in the healthcare sector.

The research was funded by The Colt Foundation and supported by the National Institute for Health Research (NIHR) Applied Research Collaboration North Thames. It was a collaboration between University College London, King’s College London, and 18 participating NHS Trusts.

Study Link: oem.bmj.com/content/early/2024/10/01/oemed-2024-109621.info

[sunspill]

Hi I'd like to take back every nice thing I said about my surgeon.

This is a venty and /lengthy/ post about my experience with an accelerated emergency hysterectomy (<2wks from diagnosis to surgery). I'm adding a cut in case medical stuff is triggering for anyone or if you're like "I've heard enough outta you about doctors" (understandable).

I'm struggling to sleep rn in a hospital room so I'm venting to distract while I wait for my nurse to check in with me about more morphine.

So my gyn and my surgeon are the same person, an OBGYN in San Francisco. He was the only would who could see me after multiple ER and 2 urgent care visits for severe pain in my abdomen. Eventually the ER orders an ultrasound. a surprise vaginal ultrasound that I was not informed would involve insertion of the wand into my vagina until the tech told me to take off my underwear. They had told me it would be a stomach ultrasound to look for masses. I'm still... unhappy about this. It hurt and the tech was like "all women get these its fine". Anyway, I had one moderately large fibroid and possibly scar tissue and smaller masses.

Sidenote: I'm not sure if i have ever felt being viewed as less than human more in the ER. Downplaying my symptoms, telling me the ER doesn't dispense pain medication (which they later did multiple times), that fibroids don't cause any pain, accusations of drug-seeking, and multiple insinuations that I was pregnant or otherwise lying. One such accusation was a question posed to my partner about if we ever had threesomes with men or if maybe I cheated on them and contracted pregnancy or STD. Oh and when I got diagnosed they didn't say "it's fibroids" they said "there's at least one tumor in your uterus" like ! Why would they say it like that?? Every nurse was pissed to be there and I strongly believed one of them hard painful pricked me in my wrist instead of my elbow because they were annoying I was sobbing in the room outside the nurses lounge. When my partner confronted them about that choice they were like "well we can remove it but you won't get fluids or meds then". It hurt for 2 days afterwards. I had been to urgent care and the er previous to this and had no issues with the inner elbow.

I called gynos all over the place but no one else except this doctor, lets say... Dr Yan, could see me within 3 weeks. My PCP refused to provide pain management and I had been out of work for a week and half, returning to the ER multiple times because I was screaming in pain for hours. The ER would prescribe a small amount of prescription pain killers, I would try to make them stretch, and then I would have to return to the ER. I was bedridden from pain. Planned Parenthood couldn't help with treatment but told me based on the ER imaging I might have adenomyosis, for which the only "cure" would be to remove my uterus, removing just fibroid is much more difficult with adenomyosis.

So I was desperate and Dr Yan was willing to do a hysterectomy as well as willing to push my insurance company to get it done fast as I was pulling no income - I ran out of PTO after a week of calling out. I felt I needed it fast and it started to hurt more whenever I ate or drank. He somehow got it moved to yesterday.

But he was awful. He wouldn't give specific answers to my questions, he barely walked me through what the procedure entailed after my partner pressed harder, and kept saying it is a very common procedure that is easy and not painful.

He lied to me, saying I'd be home the same day and a nerve blocker administered during surgery would keep me numb for two days. The recovery nurse told me that's not true. He insisted that pain would be minimal and his patients were fine with otc pain management. He said it needed to be abdominal, which I have since learned is not the case and is the most painful and longest recovery time for hysterectomy

The only thing he reiterated and talked about was how I would be unable to get pregnant, which was the only thing I *already* knew.��

He did one physical exam during initial appt which was pushing on my abdomen, ordered no additional imaging or appts, and literally disappeared into another room while my back was turned signing forms. I had to sit in the waiting room for another 20 minutes to get him to sign insurance and leave of work papers.

He was 20 min late to my pre-op appt and his office had no idea why. he performed a pelvis exam on me, externally and then inserted his fingers into my vagina for an internal exam without telling me. I had never had a pelvic exam before. It hurt enough bc he did not use lubrication. My partner confronted him angrily and he said he knows what he's doing and the exam was over anyway. He told me again the surgery would be simple.

I woke up screaming in observation, where i was given Tylenol. The surgical nurse lied to me and said they had already called my partner. After an hour of pain they moved me to a recovery room, where I had access to my phone and called my partner, who had not been contacted and rushed over. I was alone and crying out in pain.

The nurse told me that they could only give me Tylenol because Dr Yan had left the hospital without putting in orders for me aka authorizing use of moderate to severe controlled painkillers. They said as soon as they could get him on the phone they could give me something for the pain because I had been given 4 grams of Tylenol and couldn't have more. Dr Yan never answered the phone.

I am not joking when I say this next part, because I was able to track the time through my chart just now to get exact numbers and times. I came out of surgery no later than 800am. In a recovery room by 9. I screamed, absolutely not an exaggeration, I was crying out and sobbing and could not think, I was sweating and my entire body was shaking. I was dry heaving and spitting up bile, which made the pain worse. I don't remember anything except the pain, although apparently i did say some funny things to my partner coming down from the general anesthesia (thought we were in grocery outlet).

At 2:14 the hospitalist gave up calling and admitted me, transferring care away from Dr Yan. At 4:45pm they administered a very lose dose of morphine, and I finally stopped screaming. It was still very painful, and my partner timed me - I would sleep for 1-7 minutes, then wake up crying out in pain for 3-10min, repeat. The nurse told me I would receive stronger pain management when I had a room.

At 430pm they transfered me to my room, which involved the transport guy hitting my bed against the counter. The transfer from bed to bed was so jolting I started screaming again, which lasted until 445pm, when they administered triple the dose of morphine given earlier.

This has been the most painful experience of my life. The Dr said no more morphine and would administer those opiate pills cut w ibuprofen or whatever. They would give me just enough to cut my pain back from 10 to 6/7, then make me wait until 10, then make me wait crying out in pain while they got the dr to put in an order for more. It was like reps of a gym set except the absolute worst pain based version.

Around 6pm, my partner advocated aggressively as my pain was only receding to a 8 or 9 and I could no longer nap or drink water due to the pain. My muscles were so clenched I tore my paper gown. The nurse (who had seen all of this go down and was b attentive) recommended to the dr that I receive straight oxycodeine via IV. My doctor, who saw me once when i was transfered which consisted of introducing himself, said I didn't need such a strong medicine and I should take tramadol instead.

The tramadol had almost no effect, and I was then told I couldn't have the oxy because I had gotten the tramadol instead. By 630 I was at a 10 and screaming again. The dr ordered a lidocaine patch (no effect).

At 655 a new dr replaced the previous and immediately ordered dilaudid. My pain finally dropped to a 5.

At 830pm guess who fuckin shows up in my room. Dr Yan, who's like "you don't seem in pain" SIR I HAD SO MANY DRUGS INSIDE ME AND I WSS STILL AT A 5. And I needed two people to get me to the bathroom (5 ft away). He shows me a picture of the biggest mass, says I'm fine, offers no explanation for why he fucked me over so badly, and leaves. I should have demanded information but my throat hurt from crying and screaming and I had only slept 2 hrs in the previous 2 days.

The recovery nurse apologized profusely to me and said she believed he had been grossly negligent. The anaesthesiologist came and told me my body eats painkillers and anesthesia with a strong natural tolerance, and that some of the refusal to give more or stronger dosages was probably because doctors basically read charts, and would see that I had been administered a lot already. They would then decide that was enough based on what they believed to be averagely appropriate. Even tho I have it documented from his hospice ICU care notes that my dad had a similar tolerance. The recovery nurse agreed as she had been observing me, administering the meds, and see my-clearly-caused -by -pain symptoms continue.

The night nurses and doctors have been better. I got some more morphine just now, and a sleep aid that didn't work but I appreciate they tried to address that issue.

Anyway jeez if you read everything you deserve a medal. My memory has been very poor due to drugs and pain so I've been trying to work out a timeline of what happened. I know it's kind of a baby thing because no one attacked me and I don't seem to have surgical complications and after all this the hospital is sending me home with opiates, but I feel kinda shell shocked. It felt crazy to be lying in the hospital screaming in pain for hours and hours just for someone to come in every hour and say their hands were tied even tho the hospital is the only place for strong pain relief that isnt like, street fet. I removed an organ, I knew it would hurt, but I've never in my life experienced anything like that. It was worse than all other pain I've had combined. I thought i was going to die.

Anyway the nurse is giving me Ativan! I hope to rest now. Cross your fingers for me and stay away from DR YUAN DA FAN OBGYN SUTTER HEALTH SAN FRANCISCO.

[v3nusxsky]

Hello, lovely!

I have been admiring your fics for a long while and wanted to request a Larissa/ student femme reader in which R was abused as a child and has an aversion to touch, but needs a physical (which they have an understandable phobia to). Something hurt/comfort where Larissa holds them through the exam.

Thank you in advance 🩵

You’re safe my love| h&c

*Authors note ~this is such a touchy subject so I'm going to do my best to handle it delicately*

Trigger warnings~ child abuse mentions of death and cervical cancer

Prompt~ see ask^^^l

✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰

Your childhood was no secret from your girlfriend, she knew the horrors you'd been subjected to at such a young age, and how they still affected you to this day. That's one of the main reasons you were able to keep your relationship under wraps for so long. Your aversion to touch had been there for as long as you could remember. Anyone who would even just poke you in a teasing manner would cause a meltdown.

That was fine for a while, sure you had those moments like every other person where a simple hug could really go a long way in comforting you, but you couldn't allow anyone near to you and no one wanted to anyway which left you to learn the act of self soothing. All of that changed when you met Larissa Weems.

At first you would freeze up, she was never sure why, then you'd shake and finally cry. It was like you were terrified of her. With Larissa's issues herself, other partners wanting her to shift into other people, you knew it was best to sit down and tell her everything. That night was filled with many tears and no matter how much the older woman longed to hold you in her arms and soothe all the pain away, she didn't want to risk upsetting you further. You had these boundaries for a very good reason, together you'd work to lower them, but that all takes time.

Larissa was amazingly patient with you, never pushing for more, encouraging you to self soothe however you needed, even dealing with youre regression. As a coping mechanism you tended to slip into little headspace, where you were even more terrified of affection. However, Larissa wasn't expecting the first time you allowed her to hold, to be in headspace. But it was and she made sure to respect boundaries as soon as you said "no more" she stopped. It was much like that until you found yourself seeking the taller woman out for comfort.

It had taken sometime and lot of patience and determination but you were finally ready to let Larissa and her only touch you. It was oddly relaxing to be in her arms, Larissa let you be there as much as you wanted, never wanting to turn down any form of affection and you regress back into avoiding it. It had been used to hurt you so much in the past, she wanted to show you the other side. What it could be like.

You knew you had a medical exam coming up, smear test, and you were absolutely terrified. Only Larissa could touch you. Especially there. When the letter came you broke down to your girlfriend pleading with her to not make you go. But it was for your health so Larissa couldn't make that deal, instead she made a new offer, "how about I come with you sweetheart, I'll make sure she doesn't harm my girl hm ?" Even that new offer took hours of persuading and encouraging you to agree with.

The day of the exam arrived and you were an absolute nervous wreck. Larissa was truly a god send, never overstepping any boundaries and always trying to soothe your anxiety. She knew how hard this would be for you but unfortunately this was something that needed to be done, one day it could potentially save your life. Larissa told you of her dear friend Caroline, who had this test, the test diagnosed her cervical cancer. Unfortunately Larissa lost her friend as the cancer was too aggressive and in too late of the stages to save her. You could tell by the way she got choked up that if that was to happen to you she'd be broken. That's the only reason why you even agreed to do this. For her.

Laying on that table, feeling all exposed, was triggering off your panic attacks. As if your girlfriend knew that she spoke to the nurses before coming to sit behind you. Your head propped up against her chest.  Both your hand joined together and she would drop kisses to your head every now and then. "Isa. Don't let her hurt me. Please I'll be good. Please Isa" you whimpered as tears began to fall. The exam hadn't even started yet but you were terrified. "I won't darling. It's okay you can feel me yes?" She queried and you nodded sniffling. "That's good baby. Focus on that okay?" She murmured as you nodded.

Mid way through the examination you sobbed, turning your head to burry it into her chest, the nurse looked up at your girlfriend concerned only to be met with the shake of her head. The silent conversation you were completely unaware of, "Isa hurts" you whimpered as you cried into her. "I know baby I know, you're almost there darling. You're doing so well. Such a good girl" she murmured over and over as one of her hands rubbed at your back, the angle awkward but she'd cope with it. Anything to make you feel better.

Truthfully, the exam was over rather quickly, the nurse slipping from the room, allowing you to calm down and re dress. Larissa sat there as you shifted to cuddle into her more closely, "it's okay baby. All done. You did so well. I'm so proud of you beautiful. Let's get you dressed and we can go back and have a nice bath or cuddle on the bed okay?"she whispered as you nodded. The pads of her thumbs came to wipe your tears before helping you get dressed again. You'd done it now, Larissa would look after you and make sure you were never hurt again. You knew that.

Word count ~ 1050

[monsta-x-jagi]

Monsta X dating someone with a "complicated job"

Things to note: “complicated” refers to an S/O with a super qualified/heavily trained job that might be difficult to understand

Shownu/Hyunwoo - Finance gal

Shownu was known for doing a bit of investing here and there, but you’re rocking the business world by negotiating multi-million dollar deals. At first, Shownu felt awkward mentioning his private investing to you, but he was also curious as to what you have to say about making investments for the future. When you two watched Wolf of Wall Street, he felt a little worried for you, in case you were forced to be surrounded by drug filled parties and sleazy men, but he soon learned your workplace is a bit more wholesome than the movie. Though you never showed it, you appreciated that Shownu didn’t feel insecure about the big bucks people in finance made, and hoped that with your money, Shownu could relax a little longer from idol activities if he got injured or anything. But on the off chance that Shownu’s comeback week clashed with the final weeks of you closing a deal, both of you are going to be so tired by the end of it all that you’ll order in a ton of food, and fall asleep cuddling through a food coma.

Wonho/Hoseok - Psychiatrist

With all the work you did listening to people’s mental health concerns, diagnosing them and providing medication, Wonho always felt a little guilty coming to you when he had a problem, because in his eyes, its simply an extension of your job, and he wanted you to relax when you came home. You wished this wasn’t the case because firstly, you love Wonho, and secondly, you love your job. But you also had a similar issue thanks to patient-doctor confidentiality, so sometimes even if Wonho asked what’s bothering you, you couldn't always give him all the details as to why. When you initially started dating, Wonho was constant getting psychiatrist and psychologist mixed up, but now he’s the one correcting people when they get your profession wrong, which always makes you laugh.

Minhyuk - Special Forces Fighter Pilot

While most idols only thought about the military when they got little bit older, Minhyuk thought about the military (specifically the Air Force) daily. He thought you are an absolute badass being a fighter pilot, but he also knew you were a complete softie for him. Sometimes you’d come home sore, maybe a little injured, and Minhyuk would rush to you the minute you came home to see how injured you were, even if it was just a little bruising or soreness from drills. In those situations, he’d pick up medicine for you, and insist on applying it himself and letting you rest, even though you told him the Air Force can take of your medical needs. If Minhyuk ever seriously annoys you, you pull out your tough fighter pilot voice, and he immediately stops, but because you both think the other person is the cutest being to exist in this solar system, you both immediately start laughing. But that attitude from the military sure does come in handy for some fun role play in the bedroom.

Kihyun - Ballerina

A highly skilled dancer and a highly skilled vocalist is one hell of a power couple. You both understood what dedication to your craft meant. The most unfortunate consequence of this was that Kihyun could never promise you that you won’t walk the next day after a night of spirited activities ;) In fact, there was nothing arousing about him saying that to you because if you struggled to walk the next morning, how were you meant to dance? Being a ballerina also meant several body insecurities for you, especially when you knew Kihyun met many beautiful female idols. But from Kihyun’s perspective, it is also very difficult to watch as other men placed their hands on your body for all the world (or at least the concert hall) to see. Still, he would come to see your shows, and bring a bouquet of flowers too for when he gets to see you backstage. He’d politely say hello to everyone, and maybe even wrap an arm around your waist and get a little possessive if he felt like the male dancers got a little too touchy-feely.

Hyungwon - P/A to an important businessperson

How someone like Hyungwon, who replies last in the chat and likes to nap all day, ended up with someone like you who keeps track of meetings, business deals and the personal affairs of your boss in addition to your own affairs amused many people. But one benefit of your relationship with Hyungwon was that your busy schedules didn’t leave space to be lonely. The downside was that the time you did get to spend together needed to be spent wisely. Still, your schedule was a bit more negotiable than Hyungwon’s, and since your boss was a fan of Monsta X, they gave you some leeway. They even joked that if you ever leave your PA job, you can just become Hyungwon’s manager. Now, that didn’t sound bad since after all, you can spend all your time with Hyungwon, but Hyungwon knew you loved your job, and he knew you excelled at it, so he would never ask you to give it up. When you had particularly stressful and packed days, he’d prepare a relaxing bath for you, and let you vent about everything that happened while cuddling you and playing with your hair. Hyungwon also loves giving you fashion advice and taking you shopping so that you look absolutely gorgeous for those meetings, but he is even more excited for the end of the day, when he can take those pencil skirts and blouses off you.

Joohoney - Award Winning Author

Your books were the kind that university theses were written about. Breaking and bending the rules of language came naturally to you, which is why Joohoney loved to run his raps past you. If he ever got stuck with words, you were always there to help out. However, Joohoney felt bad that he couldn’t help you out with your writing, which tended to need a bit more than flow, beat, rhyme and other qualities. So instead, he helped you out in other ways. He reminded you to rest your eyes when you had been looking at your computer for too long, and gave you massages to release all the knots in your neck and shoulders. He also bought every single book you ever had published, and enjoyed reading them in his spare time too. But the other bonus of you being an author was your vocabulary. Sure, sometimes you found a niche word to describe something and left Joohoney a little confused, but other times, you could whisper sweet nothings like you were their investor.

IM/Changkyun - Geneticist

He absolutely loves listening to you talk about your work. A career in science was something Changkyun would have considered if it wasn’t for his love of music, but his background in science helps him follow along with what you’re saying - transgenic organism, gene splicing, Okazaki fragments... okay so actually he googled some of these when you weren’t around, or messaged his dad with questions, but you were always happy to explain it to him too. Occasionally he teases you, asking if you’re creating mutants or doing top secret experiments for the government; but in actuality, you work in medical research, trying to cure genetic diseases. Changkyun finds your work extremely admirable, and is always encouraging, even when you sometimes come home frustrated that your experiments didn’t work out and that your research might have hit a dead end. If/When you and Changkyun have kids, you will probably be drawing punnet squares and taking bets on whose traits the kid will inherit.

[softevnstan]

³.⍭ 𝐈𝐭 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞

pairing. bucky barnes x gender netural!reader

summary. you couldn't believe the name that graced the file on your desk for your new patient. james 'bucky' barnes. you'd heard of him - even studied some of his history during college for psychology classes. never would you have imagined he'd be sent to your office, looking for help.

a.n. yeahhh i couldn't do this as just a one time thing. this is going to be a multi-part i write to update every now and again. so for today you have crumbs of what your first session is like. as someone who's been diagnosed with c-ptsd and has a butt-load of trauma, i'm writing bucky's experience in therapy based on my own. that being said i do not condone patient/therapist irl or any of that power balance outside of fiction. gross. that's the only disclaimer for this series tho going forward, i'm not gonna tag that everytime.

edit. part two is here yall

“So, Mr. Barnes, from what I’m understanding, you'd like to make me your primary therapist and discontinue working with Doctor Raynor?” Perhaps if you knew you’d be in this situation, you would’ve mentally prepared yourself a little better for the day when you got up out of bed that morning.

Being a therapist certainly wasn’t without its obstacles, no – It’s a lot to listen to someone else’s problems and just how many callus and evil things happen in the world. It also has its moments where it reminds you just how vile people can be, too. From children all the way to elderly, you’ve seen countless patients. They come back because you’re passionate about your job; Not looking at these people as paychecks but as living, breathing people. And sometimes people just need someone to talk to; there’s no shame in that.

You just never anticipated you’d have a war hero on your office couch, though. That was not on the radar when you were working towards your Master’s Degree. 

James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes sat across from your beige and brown striped armchair on the couch. He looked lonely in the middle; For a man so broad, it would be impressive how small he could make himself if not for the fact it was simultaneously heart wrenching. Cobalt eyes struggled to meet your gaze from the moment he walked into the office to begin the session. His body looked awfully stiff, and his eyes dark like he hadn’t had a good night’s rest in weeks. Perhaps months.

“Yes.” He answers stiffly, “Please.” At least he’s sure to mind his manners despite the clear discomfort radiating from the soldier across from you. But his quiet and taut demeanor is discouraging: “It’s important that you are comfortable here, Mr. Barnes. Therapy is something that works best when it doesn’t feel forced…” “I am comfortable,” Bucky jumps to correct, earning a slight raise of a brow from you before schooling your expression once more. “Comfortable enough. I’m just new to… this.” The man makes a vague gesture with his hands between the both of you; Aching eyes speaking more than words ever will when Bucky briefly raises them to look at you.

The first step is wanting to heal. Bucky’s already showing initiative by being present - by putting his foot forward to try to find a therapist better suited to him rather than just throwing his hands up after the first dead end. That’s good. You can work with that. 

Your lips curl into a soft, welcoming smile. “Change can be scary, especially when we don’t understand what all is changing or what could come from it. With us working together, though, I can only do as much as you let me. It’s going to be intimidating, and you may not like it, but I want to help you feel better, Mr. Barnes. You deserve to feel better.” Positive reinforcements are always a good thing so long as they’re not condescending or passive aggressive. It’s all in the delivery, you’ve learned. It’s important patients feel comfortable when they’re with you – how else are they expected to be honest, then?

Bucky looks quizzically for a few moments before once more averting his anxious gaze. It made your heart hurt to see a man so beaten down and on edge; it felt so obvious to you, but then again, you were educated on how to find the tells. You could read him like a book right then. Feel everything radiating off of him, almost.

“What kind of things will you do..?” Bucky inquires after a beat.

“Well, I’d like you to start keeping a journal that we could use for our sessions. It’ll help you keep a record of what you’re feeling and we could use it like a workbook – there’d be homework involved, but there’d be nothing I know you can’t handle.”

“Homework?”

You smile, a nod of your head: “Work sheets, sometimes I’ll ask you to read something for me or answer a few questions, sometimes I’ll give you a worksheet you can use when necessary – then the next time I see you, we’ll go over what you’ve brought back and assess together so I can help you understand.”

He’s tentative to the idea, you can see it. It’s clear Bucky is very selective and reserved. You can only imagine how much strife this poor man has been through. But you see the light in him. You do. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to get better.

“...I don’t want to be unhappy anymore,” Bucky says, almost not catching the words if not for the fact the room is silent except for the two of you. “I can help you, Bucky,” you assure him, voice sincere. “We just need to work together and let me give you the tools to be happy. Do you think you can do that for me, Mr. Barnes?”

It’s clear your words seem to rock Bucky in some way, because he looks at you with something that almost resembles shock. As if he’s never heard anyone say something like that to him, has never wanted to help him become himself again. And if his experiences with Raynor is anything to base off of, Bucky needs a proper support system and someone who’s there with his best interest in mind. You can be that for him - even if it is your job irregardless. 

He’s silent, eyes darting away and breaking the brief moment of eye contact between the both of you. Then, a nod.

“I can try.” it might as well be a promise.

“That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.”

[scaryinclusive]

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER — BREAKING DOWN THE STIGMA.

by @scaryinclusive.

a discussion of the ableism and stigma relating to npd — a separate resource post will be posted at another date, written by a narcissist. if you believe in the term 'narcissistic abuse', have been conditioned by your surroundings or past trauma to view or discuss narcissists in a negative way or simply want to understand why it's important to show sympathy, compassion and patience towards those with npd, please read this and keep an open mind. i'm not here to tell you what you can and can't do or what to feel, but if you are someone who wants to learn about the impact your vocabulary can have on others, as well as how your behaviour contributes to the isolation and ableism towards an entire community, this might be a useful post for you.

i understand this might be an inflammatory topic, but please be patient with me, and show me the same respect you'd want to receive. i am a living, breathing person behind the screen. first of all, i think it's important clarify what is meant by ableism, when used in this context. as an abuse survivor myself, i have subjected others to an ableist mindset — whether that be externally or internally ( internalised ableism. ) i have previously called my abuser a range of ableist terms, without having a diagnosis for them or the ability to make one. i have projected my own insecurities onto others and myself, instead of taking a step back to assess my trauma, shame and getting to the root of the blame. if this is something you have done previously too, or are currently prone to, know you are valid.

often, people want logic to illogical situations, they want reason to make sense of the unreasonable and in some cases they want to have something or someone to blame. and it's absolutely easier to blame an individual or disorder deemed monstrous by society than it is to blame the abuse itself. to hold an event, or series of events accountable. whatever it takes to keep the blame off of us, right? and while this is a common phenomenon within society, to blame people with narcissistic personality disorder or antisocials for our suffering, by throwing around the terms 'psychopath', 'narcissist' and 'sociopath' etc, it's not sustainable and in the long run, sure — you'll succeed in adding to the stigma of already massively stigmatised communities, but you'll drag yourself down with them. and that's not healing. that's not overcoming. it's certainly not contributing to the empathy, compassion and care many of you wish to see in the world. i feel this short, non-accusatory and sympathetic article really helps elaborate on what i've already mentioned.

i also want to stress that, at no point, am i excusing harmful behaviour. i believe individuals with these disorders, professionally or self diagnosed, and even those who think they might have one or both, have a responsibility within themselves to seek out support, healing and improvement to keep themselves and others safe and protected. but with the total lack of resources, community, space, patience and safety for them to commit to such, it's a vicious cycle. you're asking people who struggle greatly with shame and insecurity to face it, in an unsafe space with people that seek to shame us. we cannot get the help we need, regardless of how self-aware we are, due to society's stigmatising perception of us. due to rumours, lies and stereotypes.

therapists aren't always safe. in my experience i have been exposed to some highly questionable therapists. some have been corrupted by the stigma and are therefore unsafe for us. resources are designed to brainwash and instil internalised ableism. friends and family hate us. we have nowhere and no one to turn to. so, we bottle it up. we bottle it up, and up, and up until we explode or implode. someone catches it on camera and uploads it online. thousands if not more view it and all that comes from this devastating explosion is more stigma, more hate, and less space for us to heal. the cycle continues.

where does the stigma start? well, it starts with society's knowledge and education on what narcissistic personality disorder actually is. in this circumstance, unfortunately, you can't even fully trust things like the dsm's criteria, or the many websites accessible across the internet. you 100% can't trust word of mouth. i will begin with what npd is not. it is not a choice. not something you can decide to be, or to not be. people with npd do not love themselves, we are not entitled or selfish. we don't have a god-complex or view ourselves as higher beings or more important for the fun of it. we do not all have low / no empathy and we don't feel nothing. we aren't heartless, soulless, blood-sucking monsters, we aren't cunning villains scheming and seeking to manipulate and hurt people. we are not a different species or lesser being, not parasites or a infestation.

so what are people with narcissistic personality disorder? exactly that. people — a community of human beings who primarily experienced varying childhood traumas. the more effort, time and money put into the scientific and biological understanding of npd reveals it to be more and more alike to a trauma-related disorder. the entire meaning behind 'personality disorders' is that the title trait is a typical, average personality trait. however, the difference is that the trait itself is amplified, more intense or severe due to some form of trauma during childhood development.

as much as people don't want to admit it, narcissism is a healthy, typical human trait. but when an individual is exposed to trauma in early life, such as neglect ( particularly emotional neglect ), as they grow and develop the brain adapts in this environment to survive. this can lead to the development or intensifying of harmful, negatives behaviours that continue into later life. when you are no longer in an environment where survival is a necessity, an environment where you might need to manipulative, emotionally disconnect or behave in a specific way to avoid a threat or emotional injury, these behaviours don't simply vanish. they continue, even if it means harming those around you or treating them in a negative manner, because your brain is constantly convincing you of perceived threats — real or imagined, and your attitude towards life was never healthily developed in a way that you can pursue stability and safety.

to cope with this, specifically for those with npd, we develop grandiose delusions of ourselves. a façade, a safety net, a wall between us and the world. on the outside, it might appear that we are infatuated with ourselves, simply self-obsessed, entitled and obnoxiously detached from reality. what's really happening is that our core selves are so insecure, in such a deeply-rooted way, that in order to survive and cope with our inner fragility, we must create a false sense of security. npd is entirely based around insecurity. and insecurity, in itself — even without npd being a contributing factor, can lead to harmful behaviour. projecting our insecurities onto others to feel powerful, in control and above all else, safe. we are not monsters, we have simply had to adapt and learn to survive in an unstable, volatile and potentially dangerous environment and were never given the tools to heal from this. isn't that sad? an entire community of people unable to heal from their trauma because society has cast us out. stereotyped us as murderers, villains and abusers.

through therapy ( it's taken me 10 years of searching to find someone that understands me, healthily challenges me, respects me, is patient and remains unbiased throughout my healing ) i have learned much about myself. i have become more self-aware, been able to break down my trauma and thus combat my internalised ableism, and have been able to do so in a way that hasn't brainwashed me into believing the only way for someone like me to heal is to shame and hate myself and those with my disorders. it's not true. we can heal in a safe and healthy way that promotes self-love, sympathy for our suffering, compassion as well as responsibility, recognition and rationality. all of these can co-exist.

we can take responsibility for our mistakes and harmful actions while also being sympathetic towards what made us this way. but unfortunately many are pushed by society to take to self-loathing, self-deprecation and the spreading of stigma in favour of winning over ableists who reduce us to a stereotype or generalise us as lesser beings. "look how healed i am! i hate narcissists too!!" they are not healing, and by pushing this narrative and encouraging it, you are only digging a deeper hole.

outside of those that have been misguided by their trauma, leading them to label emotionally abusive, or just abusive individuals, as 'narcissists', along with various other stigmatising labels, there is a huge portion of society who remain uneducated and merely misuse the label due to it being commonly thrown around and not knowing any better. i ask that, if you are someone that uses this term to describe anyone other than someone with narcissistic personality, and certainly if you use it in any derogatory form, why you do that? i think it's fair to invite you to perform the same introspect about yourself that we are so desperately trying to do, with or without resources.

why do you need to use the word narcissist? narcissism, narcissistic? the same goes for antisocial, psychopath or sociopath. any word related to mental health or disability, really. outside of it being purely medical. what's stopping you from changing your vocabulary and contributing to the healing of a community? if your answer is 'because i can', or 'because they deserve it', you are dooming an entire group of traumatised individuals to fail.

if your answer is that narcissism existed as a trait and / or adjective prior to the disorder — you're absolutely right. it did. but the meanings of words change. the r* slur is a primary example. once, this slur was purely a medical word. it was then used by the general public as a derogatory way to describe those with intellectual or developmental disabilities. to reduce them as people and dehumanise them. it became such a widespread pejorative term that, now, the majority don't use it. because it's deemed offensive, hurtful and dehumanising. the meanings of words change, and if a handful of people from a relatively small community tell you it's hurtful and dehumanising, you don't get to tell them otherwise.

by saying things like "narcissistic abuse", instead of emotional abuse or abuse, you're adding to the stigma. by calling your abusive partner or friend a narcissist instead of what they are — 'an abuser', you're adding to the stigma. by armchair diagnosing ( diagnosing an individual despite not having the knowledge / legal qualifications to and purely basing it on personal / biased experience ) people guilty of performing in a toxic, abusive, harmful or negative way with narcissistic personality disorder, you are adding to the stigma. and above all else, it's ableist. it's discrimination and it's social prejudice.

here are a couple of useful resources relating to the definition, discussion and stigma surrounding npd. i will also be making a post listing alternative and appropriate vocab options for a variety of commonly misused labels.

5 things you got wrong about narcissistic personality disorder, a short, informative comic.

narcissus and the daffodils, an essay on the nature of npd.

please avoid adding onto this post to keep from spreading misinformation or stigma, but feel free to reblog! if you have something to say, i encourage you to send it to my asks. but i think at this point, if you're still set on misusing the term and adding to the stigma, i personally have done as much as i can. i really do sympathise with trauma-born ableism. but it's not acceptable and i'd like to think the majority can do better than that. just because others choose to contribute to the ableism, doesn't mean you have to. everyone deserves to heal from their trauma, including us, and including you.

[sophieinwonderland]

Imitated DID 2 - Hysterical Boogaloo

We're diving back in from where we left off last time. Now with the "hysterical" group.

There is actually a certain level of logic to part of this.

I don't diagnose people with disorders. But when talking about plurality with questioning systems, I find it much more useful to ask about their internal experiences and hear them described in their own words.

Especially because a lot of medical jargon and even plural community terms kind of suck for describing these type of experiences. If someone isn't describing things in their own words, I can understand feeling like they might be faking. But that doesn't mean they are.

Comorbid Mental Illnesses can affect communication: We have ASD. If you've noticed, we tend to use jargon and big words a lot. I often make up my own jargon too because much of what I see from psychiatry is inadequate. (I could go on long rants about how meaningless the word "dissociation" is.)

The issue is that a lot of people with ASD or other disorders might behave like this. We might use clinical words if we've studied them. I'd like to think We would have the presence of mind to not reply to a psychiatrist asking "what do you mean by amnesia" by explaining whether our amnesia is retrograde or anterograde, but I could easily imagine someone else doing that.

Some people also have personality types where they might be seeking respect, and trying to impress a psychiatrist with their knowledge of academic terms.

Perhaps what appears to not be genuine is just another condition that makes people communicate in ways a neurotypical wouldn't be expected to.

This also goes for other behavior that appears non-genuine. Maybe someone presenting more overt presentation just doesn't have a filter or social awareness.

(Also, amnesia isn't even professional jargon. It's used all the time by lay people.)

Again, most people with DID stated they would miss the voices of their alters: Like I said in the last post, 69% of DID voice hearers said they would miss their alters' voices if they were gone.

The feeling of "I won't let anybody take them away from me!" isn't uncommon. They're in the MAJORITY. Maybe expressing these feelings aloud is uncommon. But that just makes me further suspect influence from comorbid disorders that make it difficult to tell what's socially acceptable.

Another possibility is someone mentions their full trauma history and talks about their conditions as a test of sorts. They've learned to expect rejection, and want to be upfront about everything so that if they scare someone away, it will be right at the beginning of the relationship.

It's so important to account for different behaviors in different people, and different illnesses and conditions that can influence those behaviors.

WHAT?!

She couldn't handle Lucille, who always got her own way. Lucille is convinced that her mother physically and sexually abused her.

There are many ways to write this that wouldn't involve portraying the mother as a victim of a little girl.

It's stated as an objective fact that Lucille's mother "couldn't handle Lucille," suggesting Lucille was always the problem. Meanwhile, "Lucille is convinced" her mother abused her. It's not even neutral language, like she "reported" or "described" it. She's "convinced."

I'm absolutely appalled.

Also, it feels a little gross for the doctors to describe their patient as "attractive" and with a "seductive presentation." I'm not the only one feeling that, right?

So she essentially did report amnesia. It just sounds like she didn't understand what amnesia was or was in denial, and clinicians should have questioned further.

Surely, if she were trying to manipulate the clinicians, she'd have claimed to amnesia, right? Since amnesia is part of the criteria?

Like with the "borderline" group from before, she had DPDR.

So she recognized similarity in her own experiences with DID systems AND an independent clinician confirmed her DID.

But this is what they're using as evidence against her. That she heard about it first and then identified with it. But that's often how people learn about their disorders. Sure, sometimes it can be wrong. But it shouldn't be treated as evidence against somebody as it is here.

Quick reminder that she started to hurt herself in group treatment.

Why would you suggest she go without therapy? Supposedly it worked out if we trust the clinicians' report. But I'm not so certain I do. I doubt they'd say "we told her to take a hike and then she was worse off than when we left her."

Now, the actual section focused on Lucille isn't the last time we'll hear about her, so let's skip ahead a bit.

This adds a bit more context to the earlier wording of her being "convinced" her mother abused her.

But the implications are a bit more terrifying to me. What was left out of this case study?

Lucille comes in experiencing chronic symptoms of DP/DR. She believes her mother abused her. The clinicians here seem to take the side of the mother in a peculiar way, describing Lucille's mother as "being unable to handle" the little girl.

After leaving therapy and coming back for a follow up, Lucille is saying, uncertainly, that the abuse she endured might not have happened.

Did the clinicians, as authority figures, also try to convince Lucille that her memories of abuse were false?

This feels extremely gaslighty to me.

This is actually a good practice. And is a huge problem I have with the anti-endo ideology is that it often encourages people to look for trauma to confirm systemhood. If you tell someone who is a system they need trauma to be a system, there is a real concern of them trying to fit themselves into that box.

But is the implication that Lucille fabricated her trauma after seeking treatment for DID, and never believed it prior? If so, that feels like an incredibly relevant detail to omit from your case study.

So their opinion, ultimately, is that these cases of "imitated DID" are fabricating trauma memories.

Essentially, this paper is advocating for False Memory Syndrome.

And worse, they admit there's no way to reliably assess suggestibility in these patients, since the authors claim the suggestibility is selective and the scale useless.

It comes down to the individual clinicians with their individual biases to determine who is or isn't an actual trauma survivor.

What is all of this REALLY about?

Now we get to the real point

While other parts of the paper pay lip service to helping patients, a large amount of it is focused on addressing malpractice complaints.

Here is some interesting wording. Shouldn't the interests of the patients be the priority of therapy?

I understand the intent behind this. But the wording presents an adversarial relationship between clinicians and hostile patients where clinicians are meant to act as judges and authority figures, and acting in the interests of the patients is "collusion."

Ideally, even if a patient were faking DID, giving them a more correct diagnosis would still be working in the best interests of the patients, right? At no point should acting in the patient's interest be presented as a bad thing as it is here.

Patients suing therapists over believed-malpractice are presented as seeking "attention and gratification."

I'd agree that it would be interesting to know what groups the suing patients fall into. But there would need to be a better way to make such an assessment.

Because if you're going to have cases like Sandra's, mentioned in the last post, where clinicians are forming biases based on her life history of self-medication with drugs and having an older boyfriend before they even observe her, this method isn't effective.

What would be really interesting to me is, if Sandra or Lucille had gone to another clinic, would the other clinics have judged their DID as being imitated? Or is this solely a result of the biases of these clinicians?

In contrast, would those clinics have judged other patients that this clinic said had "genuine" DID of having imitated DID.

Is there even the slightest bit of credence to this concept? Can it be consistently applied or is this just the opinions of one clinic being treated as gospel?

The goal of the whole paper is pushing False Memory Syndrome in a way that pushes responsibility from clinicians onto patients.

Over 20 years later, and this hypothesis is still groundless. Not just the hypothesis that those responsible for lawsuits are imitated DID cases, but even that second opinions could confirm their own case studies as being imitated DID.

This paper that started the "imitated DID" myth, the paper that led to the controversial McLean video, is based on nothing.

It was motivated not with the goal of helping patients with DID nor helping the patients they accuse of imitating DID, but by the self-interest of clinicians trying to protect themselves from malpractice complaints of patients they treat as hostile and adversarial.

[zimssecretspy]

𝕄𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕪 𝕄𝕦𝕥𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕞𝕒𝕝 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤!

I adore this team and have so many headcannons so what better to start this blog off than with these guys?

TRIGGERS: Kidnapping, Mental disorders, Mentions of injuries, Mentions of guns

Leatherhead:

-Leatherhead has earned the nickname from Slash as the 'house wife' jokingly. Leatherhead is the main one who cooks, makes sure Pete is kept entertained, makes sure Rockwell takes breaks from his work to eat and drink and sleep, makes sure the whole team keeps up on cleaning the warehouse that is their make-shift lair, he does a lot for the team and they're ever so grateful (even if his dinner recipes are less than favorable, Leatherhead is still learning.) This big reptile is loving, caring, but if you dare fuck with anyone on the team you will be his next chew toy.

-Leatherhead takes daily anxiety medications and sleep medication. Rockwell created him medication to aid in his panic attacks and night terrors. Of course, even with the medication it doesn't go away, and sometimes will go off to Pete's room to sleep. He'd go to Slash but Slash may freak out seeing Leatherhead have a panic attack and may think there's a genuine threat. Rockwell would be the best to go to but he is always in his lab fucking around with dangerous stuff.

-Leatherhead is the most patient with Pete. He'll play with Pete by letting Pete chase his tail, he'll get Pete mirrors, bread, and make sure to reexplain anything if Rockwell is getting irritated. When the team said that Pete was being taken off duty, Leatherhead was understanding, but didn't want to kick Pete out. So, Pete stays in Leatherhead's room, which is actually helpful with Leatherhead's night terrors. He never has to spend the night alone or move to what is now Mondo's room.

-Leatherhead loves squeaky toys, and teddy bears. Mikey will bring him stuffed animals and now Leatherhead as a whole collection in his room. In his free time he'll chill in his stuffed animal horde listening to music.

-Rockwell diagnosed Leatherhead with Anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Leatherhead is very good at using his coping skills to get himself through rough patches and is good at vocalizing to the team what he needs.

-Music: Leatherhead likes 80s-90s rock, jazz, Rnb, and acoustic pop. However, he isn't too picky, and will listen to any records he finds. Those are just his favorites.

Slash:

-Slash is like the authoritative dad, he kinda has to be being the leader. Sometimes though he'll accidentally push the team past there limits, it doesn't take long before he realizes because Rockwell won't hesitate to snap at him, or slap him. He'll then give the team a day off from training and the whole day would be filled of him trying to make it up to them.

-He can't cook for shit. He almost burned down their makeshift kitchen. He's learning more though.

-Slash has pulled a Leo dozens of times, meaning he's damn near killed himself to protect the team. Leatherhead and Rockwell have threatened to put Slash on house arrest if he tries to do anything without them again or tries sacrifice himself.

-Slash goes to visit Raph twice every week. They're still pretty close, even after what happened with his brothers. Raph understands that the mutagen screwed up his brain and that he's a lot calmer and more logical now.

-Slash goes through a punching bag every week. It's a good thing Rockwell knows how to steal. He steals about 5 at a time and keeps them in what they converted to be a storage closet in the warehouse.

-Slash loves to watch WWE, True Crime, and John Wick during his free time. Sometimes Leatherhead will join but Leatherhead will go off to listen to music eventually. He also still likes eating lettuce, but instead of one leaf he'll eat half the head.

-Slash was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He also has relatively bad anger, hence the weekly replacements of his punching bags. He's not the best about opening up with his feelings, but eventually Leatherhead or Rockwell gets him to talk. It'll just take a while and they'd have to keep revisiting it.

-Music: Rock, Metal, Death trap, and occasionally some pop. He also likes a little bit of rap music, it reminds him of living at the lair and Mikey playing his music.

Pigeon Pete:

-Pete is very easily entertained, whether it be bird or dog toys, bread, TV, music, or playing with Leatherhead's tail, he's the easiest to keep entertained, despite this he can still get in the way of the others at times.

-I'd think that Pete was removed from the team for his own safety and the other's safety. While yes, he was annoying to all hell, they didn't want to kick him out without a genuine reason. During a mission, Pete almost got shot by a human and Slash got in the way to protect him. The bullet luckily didn't hit anything vital, or cause too much damage, but was still the 1st strike given Slash already told Pete to stay out of human sight. Another time, Pete clumsily fell off the roof and didn't fly in time, he landed on a human giving himself a minor concussion and the human a hairline fracture on the back of her skull. Second strike. The third and final strike was when Pete almost spilled a loose mutagen canister they found on Rockwell. Luckily Rockwell moved out of the way. The team decided to remove him from any outside missions, but still provide him a home, and he now resides in Leatherhead's room.

-He loves children cartoons, specifically Duck tails and Powerpuff girls. He doesn't like to admit to it though. He also enjoys Friends and Big Bang Theory, though he may not understand some jokes.

-He gets scared by horror movies. Slash and Rockwell love them however. Anytime Slash or Rockwell grabs the remote Pete speeds off to Leatherhead's room.

-He is hard to anger. He can get sassy but never that angry, there's rare times where he's actually angry. His reactions when pissed vary, if its a enemy he'll try to attack with blunt items. If it's someone from the team? He's petty. He'll take pillows and blankets and take them to doc's room, smother the pillows and blankets until there's fur on them, then drops them back off into the team member's room. He will also hide kitchen appliances, Lab equipment, or use up the hot water. He learned these tactics from Mondo.

-Pete is diagnosed with anxiety

-Music: Anything but metal. Metal scares him.

Mondo Gecko:

-Mondo is hardly actually home. He goes out to skate board often, or read comics with Mikey. When he is home he's helping out with cleaning, reading comic books, working out, or playing video games. He still wants to be a normal teen, despite his circumstances.

-He isn't the best fighter, and is still clumsy, but Slash sees potential in him. He does have some skill in using his legs from all the skate boarding, and coordination, but he struggles majorly with using his arms. Slash eventually equipped him with a kraang gun that Rockwell stole, and has Mondo going through online gun safety classes because you can never be too cautious with those things.

-Mondo secretly sees Slash as like a father or older brother. He's constantly reminding Slash of how grateful he is for him taking him in, he will find any excuse to spend time with him whether it be reading comics, working out together, or training against each other, and Slash doesn't mind in the slightest. As long as Slash isn't busy, he'll gladly spend time with the fellow reptile.

-Mondo struggles heavily with his self esteem and appearance. His parents rejecting him took a major hit to his mental health. The team always is there to help him through days where he struggles the most. Slash and Rockwell both hold a hatred for his parents for what they did to him.

-Mondo knows a little bit about how to drive, but not much. He cannot park too well. One day he stole a kraang truck carrying mutagen, tried to park it, and ran into the fire hydrant in the process. Rockwell is in the process of teaching him to drive. He's broken 5 street signs, 2 fire hydrents, 15 traffic cones,

-Mondo loves pets. He begs the team for a lizard or a dog. Slash however refuses for the simple reason that he fears their warehouse may get destroyed in another kraang attack, and wouldn't want an animal harmed.

-Mondo is a talented dancer. Sometimes if he hears Leatherhead or Rockwell's music he'll try to get Pete or Slash to dance with him. Pete always is up to dance with him, even if he's horrible at it.

-He likes action films, comedys, and some horror films even though he screams at every jump scare.

-Mondo was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. He isn't the best at vocalizing if he's having a rough day, but if Slash starts the conversation Mondo may open up after a bit.

-Music: He loves all forms of music except country, he likes a couple country songs but doesn't like 99% of the genre.

Dr. Rockwell: Warning- Gay headcannons, if you are homophobic or simply don't like these headcannons, please scroll.

-Rockwell and Falco used to be in a relationship. Their relationship used to be very healthy, up until Falco started experimenting with the mutagen. Rockwell used to be on board with the experiments until Falco grew obsessed with psychic powers, Rockwell then started voicing his concerns and disapproval. Falco was going to break up with Rockwell over this, before deciding he'd use him as a test subject. He told Rockwell to come to the lab saying he dropped the project, when Rockwell came in Falco knocked him out with a golf club.

-Because of the traumatic fallout of his and Falco's relationship and him kidnapping him, Rockwell refuses to talk about Falco at all. Anytime someone mentions Falco, Rockwell will levitate them out of the room, or try to change the subject.

-Rockwell moved from the UK to attend Colombia University. He always had a love for big cities, and his parents wanted him to follow his scientific ambitions. He met Falco when he obtained a job under him at their laboratory.

-Rockwell knows piano, acoustic guitar, and electric guitar, and knows how to sing. He doesn't like singing in front of people however, and it's rare he'll play anything for the team. But sometimes he'll sing along to songs in his lab when he thinks the team is sleeping, however Slash and Pete are typically outside the lab doors listening.

-Rockwell is the team medic, If anyone else tries to do his job he gets very upset because they could've treated the wounds wrong. He also gets very upset if the team misses their medications and will force them to take it somehow.

-Rockwell sheds like a husky. There's so much fur. It's everywhere. On the couch, on Mondo's clothes even though Mondo isn't anywhere near him, all over Rockwell's room, there's not a single place that doesn't have his fur. He has to use his psychic abilities to conduct experiments because he doesn't want his fur to mess it up. He also isn't allowed in the kitchen.

-Rockwell, despite making sure everyone else take care of themselves, is highly neglectful of his own needs. He forgets to eat all the time, doesn't drink water- only energy drinks and coffee, forgets to brush his fur, doesn't take his meds, doesn't sleep, he just works most of the time. Slash and Leatherhead have to check daily if he's had food and taken breaks.

-Rockwell's helmet gives him headaches and migraines. He always forgets to take it off, even when he does sleep. The amount of pain medication he uses genuinely makes Leatherhead worried.

-Rockwell goes to see April often to help her with her psychic abilities. Sometimes they make fun of Donnie a bit during this, but Rockwell does worry over their friendship and keeps telling April that she needs to tell Donnie clearly if she wants a relationship or not, and to tell him if she wants him to stop flirting. He also visits Donnie quite often to assist in mutagen experiments, and just to banter with him.

-Rockwell loves true crime, horror films, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Repo The Genetic Rock Opera. He tends to watch these by himself on his laptop in the lab, he doesn't want to frighten Pete. Some nights he'll watch in the living room with Slash though.

-He painted his bedroom with chalkboard paint, and did the same to the lab. His lab and room is coated in his experiment notes.

-Music: Rock, Nu-metal, Classical, Tim Burton soundtracks, Pop, and acoustic pop.

-Rockwell is diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and anorexia. He doesn't tend to talk about how he's feeling, instead he takes it out in bouts of anger, sarcasm, and sometimes destroying his own lab. Normally if someone tries to talk to him he waves them off. He also can't sleep, due to his night terrors, instead he prefers meditating.

These are just opinions on the characters/team. Don't take this to heart or too seriously. I'd love to write stories based on some of these though! Let me know which other characters/fandoms to make headcannons for, or what headcannons to add in.

[leviathanshusband]

could you do some headcanons of the demon brothers with an mc that has bpd I've been searching for months to no avail and it makes close relationships and communicating so difficult for me </3

Lucifer: Mans is so confused at first, like why are you getting so upset at everything? Why are you so scared of being left alone? until you eventually approach him with scared eyes and shaking hands, telling him you have bpd and ask if he’d research it. He does and when he realzizes how hard you work on a daily basis to appear regular and calm, he’s so proud of you. From then on whenever you need someone to settle of reassure you, he’s right there, holding your hands through it, telling you that he loves you no matter what

Mammon: He doesn’t need to know about any disorder to be constantly giving you love and assurance. He’s there for you when you’re angry, he’’s there when you’’re sad, he knows when to give you space and listens when you tell him that you’re too overwhelmed for anything. Honestly, he’s such a good person to have around during episodes because he’s so patient and willing to wait it out

Leviathan: He’s the one holding you through meltdowns, has your arms twisted behind your back and you down to the floor so that when you thrash you can’t hurt yourself. Levi knows what it’s like to be out of control with your own body and as a result he’s patient with you. It doesn’t look like other people’s patience but it’s still there. Phrases like “Take a ssecond” “You’re not sstupid enough to think that you sshould be going this now are you?” “No.” are passed around pretty often. Levi figures at first you’re like him but when he learns about your diagnoses he researches the hell out of it.

Satan: Already knows you have bpd before you come to him and explain. He has several books open about good coping strategies, therapies and how bpd affects the daily life. He actually taught his brothers (except Lucifer) about your diagnosis so that they wound’s ask you a million questions. He’s great to have when you need some quiet time but it’s also hard with him because you both have explosive tempers. You two fight often but you always come back together faer you’’ve had time to cool down and adjust

Asmo: He also has bpd and this makes for some interesting times. He’s the best at figuring out what you need before you even know you need it and talking you through a fit of anger or whatever has you up in arms today but you two also feed off of one another. When he’s angry you start to feel it too, like buzzing in your veins, when your hurting, he’s hurting too and whoever is soothing you (probably Levi) is suddenly dealing with two crying idiots

Beelzebub: Does not get it. He’s like why are you like his but also is happy to make sure that you’re okay. Honestly his treatment of you never changes but he’s happy to be tighter for you in whatever it is that you need.

Belphegor: Once again he is also mentally ill. He doesn’t understand how you. feel these emotions as strongly ad you do but becasue the way he feels emotions is detached and lazy, it doesn’t matter. He’s klike a breath of air becaue he isnt feeling something when you’re feeling everything and that’s peaceful. That’s comforting.

[grae-98]

Treatment

Chapter 6

Set between 1880-1890, You have been feeling and acting off. After visiting the doctor's he sends you off to stay in Pelican Town where you are set to receive treatment for your condition. Upon arrival you learn the doctor administering these treatments is better than you think.

Harvey/ unnamed afab!reader

2nd pov

3,005 words

trigger warnings: reader is diagnosed with hysteria, mentions of depression, cheating/ adultery, doctor/ patient relationship, mentions of infertility

smut tags: No smut in this one sorry peeps

notes: i do have this posted on ao3 if you'd prefer to read it there.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

“What news do you bring me of my husband?” Your nerves now on high.

“Would you prefer if it was delivered to you in the form of good or poor news?” He asks after you motion for him to sit. He sits himself in the same spot he was seated before your arrival. Setting his hat on the table he beings,

“Both, I would imagine. What could you possibly say that would support both good and poor news?” Taking a cup of tea for yourself and letting the gentleman to retrieve his own should he want.

“You see, you have more than enough claim to divorce your husband. I found plenty of documents proving your husband’s fault.” He speaks with agency. He sounds very proud and keen in his profession to hold himself the way he does.

He produced the same leather crafted satchel from his hip. Opening the flap he digs pointedly, as if looking for the correct bundle of papers. He took several pages held together in a large envelope from the large opening. Handing it over to you, you open the large paper flap with care. You read the first the pages singularly. Each titled with misdoings by your husband, but the one that captures your attention was a detailed encounter of trailing him.

‘2nd of September 1892.                                  [Suspected Affair]

Left home by 9:00 AM. Caught a coach to ride further into city.

10:23 AM met with a woman [Madaline Jacobson]. On Markers Street. Unable to decern conversation topics. Woman led him into the proprietors dwelling.

11:07 Emerged from dwelling wherein he rapidly departed via coach once more.

12:16 Luncheon with colleagues in restaurant located on 13th street.

1:10 Set coach towards workplace.

6:10 Left from work to return home, no longer seen for the evening.

Upon further investigation of the dwelling entered; it was a simple house for ladies. The women inside offered no speculation as to any prostitution that may be fostered on the property. Spoke with Madaline Jacobson for her details of the conversation in question, offered little to no information regarding the subject. All that was said is that he frequents often and when broached to the matter of duration she noted that he’d been visiting for nearly two years.

End of day.’

You lay the paper down before the man and ask him if he had anymore documents relating to the whorehouse. His eyes sparked with light as he points to a page further in the stack that you were holding. Cycling through the pages until you come across the tattered paper. The second of the pages cleanly typed or transcribed from handwritten notes to allow them to be more easily read through.

‘17th of October 1892.                                    [Markers Street House]

Interview with Evelyn Bushell.

I: How long have you been seeing this gentleman?

E: Around six month now. Why should it matter to you?

I: I wished to understand your connection to him. I assure you there will be no consequences to you for your cooperation with my questioning.

E: How can I be sure of that?”

I: I am a man of my word. Please do tell me.

E: When he first started arriving on a regular basis he came only once every two month or so. He would explain that his wife couldn’t perform her duties and relied on an outside source so to speak to help make for the loss.’

You stop reading for a moment to choke on the air within your throat. Sputtering an apology to the man. He had told others of your faults that you had no control over. And the others that he told of this curse was with a whore no doubt. With your eyes becoming misty you continue reading.

‘I: So you were aware of his wife since the beginning?

E: We all did. He offered us great money for the person who would help him conceive an heir.

I: Sounds almost regal when you say it in such a manner.

E: It felt strange at first. Being propositioned to carry a bastard child for him, however he offered 20 dollars a week for the rest of our lives to who may do it. Who are we to turn down that sort of money?

I: So how long did it take before he would conceived a child out of wedlock?

E: You see, that’s the thing. He hadn’t. He started with Mary. He settled with Mary for a number of months before he berated her for having the same affliction as his wife. He moved on to Edith, then Margaret. He was still finding that he would not father this child. That was until he met Jane. Within a span of a month, he was visiting nearly twice a week.

I: When did the increase of visitation happen?

E: Around a year or so. When he met Jane and increased his visitations, she fell pregnant. He was overjoyed. None of us had seen him with that mirth. Only then after just six weeks Jane was stricken ill and left us.

I: By left us you mean?

E: Tuberculosis.

I: I see.

E: Yes, we miss her dearly, even still. That was nearly 10 month ago.

I: How did the gentleman respond to her passing?

E: Anger mainly. He decided to double his efforts then. Thus you have Madaline and myself.

I: Still no pregnancy?

E: None of us have it in us to tell him that he is likely unable. Janes pregnancy couldn’t even be known if the babe where even to be his. The woman had a penance for money as though she never had any. She would work the most of us some nights. Who is to say that whatever child she held was his, but she would make him believe it so.

I: This has been truly informative. Should you ever need my services do not hesitate to call upon me.

E: Thank you.

End of Interview’

Placing the page down against the table. That is all you can stomach to read for now. You stare past the man, mind running faster than you can seem to keep up with it.

‘It had never been your fault?’ You think to yourself. ‘You had no barren womb as you’ve been scolded time and time again. You were not the gods’ failure.’ Anger began to burn hot against your mind. The countless months as you watched your menstruation cycle begin to feel the disappointment. Especially knowing that you would have to tell your husband that yet another month and you were still without child.

With more force than intended you slam the pages against the table by the others and stand abruptly. Suddenly feeling hot, like your blood was boiling in your veins you call for Haley. The nothing yet but tea in your stomach rose like a vile rat coming to surface in the sewers. Haley is by your side quickly after hurried steps make their way from the kitchen. Placing her hand on your forehead and steadying your elbow in the other.

“Sir, thank you for bringing these in. I will have to look to them further at a later point. I must apologize I am feeling quite unwell as of this moment. Should you excuse me, one of my men will show you out.”

“Yes of course. These are for you to keep for yourself. I have my own copies for Mr. Acunin to examine. I would sense just from what you read alone will be enough of a case in your favor.”

Taking the pages from the table and bringing them to your room with the company of Haley by your side you haphazardly toss them upon the writing desk in your room.

“Haley, I would like for you to call for Robin tomorrow. I wish to speak with her about what I have just read.”

“Ma’am, what happened? Are you alright?” She asks with genuine concern as she approaches you from behind.

“No, I’m not alright. My heart is broken, I feel as though I cannot breathe, my dress on me feels like I am going to suffocate inside of it at any moment!”

With this you begin to weep. All these months and you have never cried for the life that you left behind. You’ve been angry, hurt, sad but you had yet to cry. As though your mind and soul were making for the lost year, you shed tears that were strikingly hot; and they pushed past your cheeks as though they were attempting to race the other. As your shoulders shook in anguish you feel Haley’s arms wrap around your shoulders. More weight around you helps ease the turbulence of your mind.  The tears in your eyelashes made for them to be stuck together under the weight. Attempting to look at Haley to offer your gratitude you can see she had begun to cry with you.

“Why do you cry?” You ask, voice wavering.

“I feel your suffering and I hate to see you like this.” She responds while holding your hug tighter.

“Do not feel pity for me Haley, it only makes me feel worse.” A hiccup escapes you after.

“No pity.” She speaks your name when she releases her hold on you. Causing you to look at her face.

“I feel no pity for you. Sympathy. Please, tell me what has happened.” Temporarily regaining your ability of rational thought, you point to the lightly colored wooden desk. Haley steps away from your bedside. The weight of her comfort was missed dearly as you look upon her. Haley began to lift the papers for her to read. Scanning each of the pages much as you did before coming back to your side. She hands you a particular stack of papers.

The short and wide half piece of paper on top read ‘Western Union’ on the top in large easy to discern script. The yellowish paper addressed to your husband reads as:

                         Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town                          4th of March 1892

Progress notes sent by mail. Will keep informed of any notes in the future.

                           Doctor Harvey Sullivan

You blink in confusion. Looking up to Haley, she locks eyes on you before she nods her head to you ushering you to keep reading.

                        Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town                          13th of May 1892

Remarkable progress shown by wife. 10 weeks. Need of written or verbal consent to continue treatment should want be desired.

                       Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

Reading through each of the correspondence Harvey sent to your husband. Your eyebrows raise in surprise.

                        Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town                          23rd of June 1892

Your wife’s 16-week treatment course is complete. Should you find time to collect you are most welcome to visit.

Doctor Harvey Sullivan

                        Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town                          4th of July 1892

Sir, response is necessary for the dissolution of treatment. Respond by Friday 8 July.

                       Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

                        Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town                          13th of July 1892

To allow your wife to stay here is choice. It is your property, should you keep her here is your decision to make. Treatment is no longer necessary for your wife’s condition.

-Mailed notes, detailed each visit. Should you request second copies I will oblige.

                        Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

                      Western Union Telegram

DL from Pelican Town                    18th of September 1892

Good to hear from you. Your wife is well and has recently decided that she prefers to stay here [interpretation by friends].

Perhaps a visit from her nephews will lift her spirits during lonesome days.

                    Doctor Harvey Sullivan, MD

You find no other telegrams. Setting down the papers onto the layered coverings of the bed you allow Haley to sit beside you once more. The tears from just a short time ago have long since faded and you are left with a similar type of anger that you felt before. Only this time not only was it directed at the man whom you were wed but the man that helps occupy your bed.

“We are to go back into town.” You speak flatly.

“Are you sure ma’am?” She speaks with shock.

“Quite. I need to speak with my doctor regarding the treatments I have been receiving for nearly the last 25 weeks. You read that as well as I did, correct?” You pick the telegrams into your hands while scanning them over once more.

“In that he said your treatment was completed in July?”

“June, so I did read that correctly. We are to go into town. You may accompany me to Doctor Harvey if you so wish, but I will be fine on my own once we go. Today is Sunday so the clinic will not be open.”

“I will have the boys prepare the horses.”

“Very good Haley and thank you.”

_

Creaking the door open to the clinic was odd. This was certainly more than an ordinary visit. Remembering just eight hours prior how Harvey held you in his arms as you woke together for the first time. You reminisce on each kiss you shared that morning after you were stolen from sleep. You can still feel the remnants of his spend, which this morning felt wholesome but now feels nauseating.

Bracing yourself as you take each stair at a time. The pages of one-sided telegrams held securely in your purse. Reaching the final step towards the door to his apartment you let out a deep sigh. Knocking politely before you hear a startled shuffle on the other side. Opening the door with hesitancy you see Harvey visibly relax once he sees that it is you.

“My darling, what a pleasant surprise! I was sure I was not going to see you until Wednesday!” Harvey says joyfully opening his door all the way to allow you to enter.

“Hello Harvey.” He leans in to offer you a kiss to which pains you to turn your head on his advancement. You use the excuse of placing your hand muff onto the table beside his door.

“What has you troubled my love? You look despondent.” He once again tries his affection by this time attempting to take your hands. Quickly smoothing your hands over your dress front to opening your purse to retrieve the telegrams to show Harvey. Folding the pages between your hands before he can see them so you may speak.

“I need to speak with you about something quite serious. I wish for you to be most honest with me.”

“You have me frightened.”

“I am most frightened here Harvey.” He stares at you with concern mixed with confusion written on his face. You hand him the telegrams. He takes them in his hands before the mask of whatever he was wearing breaks. The hard lines of his forehead fade instantly as he realizes what you had just placed into his hands.

“Where on Earth did you get these?” He asks. Pushing them back towards you as though they had burnt him.

“Harvey, I told you that I was to divorce my husband. My attorney hired a private detective to collect information of my husbands wrong doings. To find him at fault so that way I am eligible for remarriage!” You gather the pages in your hands. Picking through each of them, examining them for the third time as to truly not miss any information.

“I don’t understand why you have these specifically.”

“They were included with the rest of the documents that I was delivered this morning by the detective.”

“Is this why you’ve come to see me so soon then.”

“I will state it plainly. My intentions for this visit was for me to read my own progress notes.”

Harvey is silent for nearly a minute before answering. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you read them.”

“And why might that be.”

“I was told that I was only to share progress notes with the doctor of the initial diagnosis and your husband.”

“I need to see them no Harvey. This is no laughing manner. I wish to read these for good reason.”

“I am sure there is a perfect reason for you to want to read these, but I am sorry I am bound to not share them with you.”

“Gods damn you Harvey!” You expel in anger. The shock on his face turns to slight disbelief. “It is my information and now I am to demand to read the notes that were written on behalf of my wellbeing in regards to a mental illness that I never had!”

“My heart, I know you are upset. Please there is no need to curse.”

“Do not.” Your anger is beginning to turn quiet.

“Do not?”

“Do not call me that. Do. Not. Call me anything of the sort. I need to know if my husband has any ground to prove me in anyway incapacitated. I need to know if he will convince the state that I am insane based from the information that my doctor has shared with him.”

“It is like you hardly know me. I could never do such a thing, say such a thing!”

“Oh, can you not? I have come to learn that you have been trying to send me home since May. Is this not true?” Harvey has nothing to say as you lay the first 10-week telegram on the table.

“Or perhaps it was then in July when you tried to send me home once more.” Placing the second sheet on top of the other.

“Could it be that I am right in being wary of you seeing since this telegram here says that my treatment was concluded. June 23rd to today January 15th. There have been a total of 57 treatments and yet no word that they were concluded. I learn that my husband, who has abandoned me mind you, has been frequenting the city’s whorehouse; and I learn that the man that I had fallen in love with has lied to me, purposely, for months. All in the same day. Within nearly the same hour.”

“I have an explanation. Please do listen, I have a reason I promise.”

“Yes, I will happily listen.” Harvey who is clearly of anxious mind begins to attempt to speak before you hold your hand to him yielding him to stop.

“I shall only listen to you if you allow me to read my own progress notes.”

Harvey grips your hand that was put in front of him as he speaks your name so weakly. “I cannot let you read the notes.”

“Then, Doctor Sullivan, I believe we are finished.” His eyes open wide as you stare at him. Eyes glassy and face devoid of emotion and you gently pull your hand free of his.

“You’ve never called me- “

“That is correct. And in the hate I feel for you in this moment will warrant the coolness that you shall receive from me from this moment forward. I am to return to the city with or without my husband’s permission. Since my treatment has been concluded, I have no reason to stay.”

“Have you no reason to stay?”

“No longer is there a reason for one.”

[nnpakblogspot]

Unravelling Artificial Intelligence: A Step-by-Step Guide

Introduction

Artificial Intelligence (AI) is changing our world. From smart assistants to self-driving cars, AI is all around us. This guide will help you understand AI, how it works, and its future.

What is Artificial Intelligence?

AI is a field of computer science that aims to create machines capable of tasks that need human intelligence. These tasks include learning, reasoning, and understanding language.

readmore

Key Concepts

Machine Learning 

This is when machines learn from data to get better over time.

Neural Networks

 These are algorithms inspired by the human brain that help machines recognize patterns.

Deep Learning

A type of machine learning using many layers of neural networks to process data.

Types of Artificial Intelligence

AI can be divided into three types:

Narrow AI

 Weak AI is designed for a specific task like voice recognition.

General AI

Also known as Strong AI, it can understand and learn any task a human can.

Superintelligent AI

An AI smarter than humans in all aspects. This is still thinking

How Does AI Work?

AI systems work through these steps:

Data Processing

 Cleaning and organizing the data.

Algorithm Development

 Creating algorithms to analyze the data.

Model Training 

Teaching the AI model using the data and algorithms.

Model Deployment

 Using the trained model for tasks.

Model Evaluation

Checking and improving the model's performance.

Applications of AI

AI is used in many fields

*Healthcare

AI helps in diagnosing diseases, planning treatments, and managing patient records.

*Finance

AI detects fraud activities, predicts market trends and automates trade.

*Transportation

 AI is used in self-driving cars, traffic control, and route planning.

The Future of AI

The future of AI is bright and full of possibility Key trends include.

AI in Daily Life

AI will be more integrated into our everyday lives, from smart homes to personal assistants.

Ethical AI 

It is important to make sure AI is fair 

AI and Jobs 

AI will automate some jobs but also create new opportunities in technology and data analysis.

AI Advancements

 On going re-search will lead to smart AI that can solve complex problems.

Artificial Intelligence is a fast growing field with huge potential. Understanding AI, its functions, uses, and future trends. This guide provides a basic understanding of AI and its role in showing futures.

#ArtificialIntelligence #AI #MachineLearning #DeepLearning #FutureTech #Trendai #Technology #AIApplications #TechTrends#Ai