#to ask my parents to order them for me
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Watching a video essay on equestria girls dolls atm and man i want a trixie doll so badly
#they never did release a pony figure of trixie did they... or maybe they did but iirc she had more equestria girls dolls than pony ones#the one w the fancy outfit she wears near end of the movie is so gorgeous ough#and also her other rainbow rocks one...#man when i was younger i used to stare for hours at the amazon listings for the eqg dolls and never manage to work up the courage#to ask my parents to order them for me#im wondering how much these sell for secondhand these days... im not a doll collector so i wont get em if theyre sought after#but. man. i hope they aren't. i want to make younger me happy#actually now that i think abt it. i do have a set of rainbow and sci twi dolls from i think the friendship games era#they had like the lil medal thingis you could scan for the mobile game...#im kinda sad they almost never updated it i used to play it constantly#i also have minis of applejack and rainbow dash. they're really cute but very much top heavy and one of ajs legs broke off :((#but other than that they were pretty nice. im glad they gave they had later ones come with stands they really needed those#anyway. nostalgia moment. im gonna try to find some of the dolls ive wanted secondhand someday and just. hope they're not too sought after#roseflower.txt
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Imagine you're Mr. Wu and your weird gay daughter runs away in tears after destroying some unespecified object while yelling about you ruining her life. Because you told her you'd be moving to another state. This is the last time you see your daughter in half a year, and when she comes back, she comes back... wrong. She's wearing a light leather armor, a fur-lined cape, and a green flower crown. She has two long scars, one alongside her spine and the other along her chest, the tissue around them covered in burn scars. Doctors say she shouldn't have survived. Doctors say she didn't. Yet she's right here, in front of you, hospital gown clinging to her small, fragile, trembling frame. She fidgets with her hands. Getting her to stay still has always been difficult, but now it seems impossible. She won't let go of her phone. She's always texting her two friends. When you take it away, she gets anxious. You always knew those damn phones cause kids to act weird, but your kid having a panic attack seems too extreme, even for her. Then again, she's always been odd. Nowadays, she wakes up crying and screaming almost every night, and you realize she's been stealing her phone from your bedside drawer every night to text her friends, returning it before you wake up. You catch her once and decide to give her that damn phone back. It's the only thing that calms her down, as if she were a baby with a pacifier. She spends her last weeks in LA clinging to her friends, having sleepovers and playing her weird board games with them. Everytime they drop her back at her house, there's an excessive amount of hugs and tears. But the moments when they call her, or when she leaves to meet with them, or when they show up at their door to pick her up... those are the only moments in which you see her happy. One of her friends, the rude and disobedient one, came back with a big scar on her face. She's been acting a lot nicer, though. The other one too. She acts a great deal more adult now. You doesn't know what happened or where your daughter went. She won't tell you. But you can tell this friendship is the only thing keeping her afloat right now. Maybe you know, deep down, that no one else would understand.
And then you decide to move anyway because fuck her amirite
#amphibia#marcy wu#my posts#so like what if marcy moving away was a proper tragedy#what if things were WORSE for her#what if *smashes marcy with a ROCK*#i realized that.#despite my parents being shitty (just found out literaly today my mom had doctors give me the wrong treatment because she assumed my body#would react the same way as hers. instead of doing what literally every doctor told her to do. now i need to get it fixed)#they still asked me how I felt about moving away to a different province when in like. 8.#like. oh right. this is something parents generally ask their kids about. instead of uprooting their entire lives out of nowhere.#marcy's situation is complicated in a narrative sense because#in order for her arc to work her departure must be dictated by morally neutral forces outside of her control#but her parents' decision seems very shitty with the context we're given. you COULD give context that justified their actions#i.e have them explain that they really do need this if they want marcy to go to college or some shit like that#but then it stops being Marcy vs. Forces of Nature#and it becomes Marcy vs. Her Dad (and she has to accept he's right in this one)#the show is clearly for a Marcy vs. Forces of Nature conflict (in this case it's the inevitability of change)#and in order to keep the antagonistic force abstract you CAN'T have her dad be a proper character#BUT. as a consequence -> Marcy has to give into the ''#the ''natural order'' which would be accepting her parents' power over her as natural and inevitable#it's not even like... accepting her parents are right or anything. just that their o#that their complete control of the situation and marcy's total powerlessness is natural and inevitable#and that's tragic! from a more watsonian ñerspective#perspective* : Marcy is sent back to her shitty parents and she just needs to learn how to deal with it away from her support system#the solution imo would have been to change the motivation behind her family moving away so that it's outside her parents' control too#it really has to be completely inevitable. i can't think of an alternative reason but it's just what it#it's what would fix this problem imo#it's a simple fix really
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the fact i still get asked for id is crazy and like sometimes i don’t have any on me too and it is so embarrassing when they refuse me like 😭 promise i’m an adult oh my godddd let me live
#it’s the way there has been a few times i got asked for is on things that aren’t even alcohol like are you kidding meeeee#one time i nearly got asked for id on a 15 rated movie like dude went to ask and then saw my tattoos and said never mind 😭 c’monnnn#tbh though one time in the supermarket i was buying some vodka and for asked for id. i didn’t have any but it was summer and i was wearing#a tiny outfit like all my tattoos visible and the guy still asked like my guy . you have to be 18 to get tattoos .#and i have a good amount of them .. use your braaainnnn#anyway this post comes to you because i ordered a food delivery and the guy asked me if my dad was home ?? like not mom/parents just dad ??#and anyway then i explained and the guy didn’t seem sure i guess i don’t know and asked me for id 😭 are you for reaaaallll .. omg.
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i mean this in as non-judgmental a way as i can because not everybody has the same knowledge and that is a morally neutral fact but it does astound me that people can know enough about beowulf to know that it's in old english but not know enough about either of those things to understand what period they belong to
#this is like that time somebody asked me if the medieval period came before or after the romans#back when i worked in a public library#it was a parent trying to find books for their kid who wanted to learn about vikings i think#they were clearly profoundly failed at school but i had shite history teachers and still learned this young enough not to remember when#so it just never occurred to me that telling people the history books were shelved in chronological order wouldn't help them#this was an oversight on my part! i gave better directions after that!#but really was one of those. wow. this knowledge is so ingrained and automatic for me it never occurred to me it might not be universal
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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continuing the saga of Changing My Name And Pronouns Has Turned My Life Into A Bad Sitcom i've been easing the new name into my life not by telling people to change what they call me but by introducing myself to new people with that name and just not correcting previous people who still call me by my first name
this includes the fact that i have registered with a university for my second bachelors degree using my new name and still have not told my parents i use a different name so stay tuned to find out whether they hear about it sometime in the next 4 years or if they get a fun surprise at my graduation
#nottrek#was at a restaurant today with my band who all know me by my first name#and because there were 15 of us booked in the waitress was taking everyone's order along with their name#and when she asked me my name i didn't even hesitate and gave her my new name Nick#and my friend sitting beside me laughed and asked if i made it a habit to give people fake names#and like it didn't even occur to me#i had to be like no dude that's what most people call me#so i guess that's where things are at there#i should probably tell the rest of the band...#or at least the band member i'm literally about to move in with...#eh#season's over i've got the whole summer to tell them#also the post is partly a joke there's no way my parents would come to another graduation#not least of all because my mom doesn't even live in this province anymore lmao#gender stuff
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yea
#txt#i gotta bitch rq cos im pissed sorry guys#i hate tht u dont remember none of the shit u did. i hate tht u make jokes about it even. i hate tht it feels like im always the one#to wear the burden of iron wrought weights so tht u can learn how to mellow out and not do the same to my sister#‘you opened up a lot of doors for your sister’#yea cool im glad u chilled out and didnt also kick my sister out of the house while she was 1200 miles away with nothing but the clothes on#her back. yea cool im glad u didnt threaten disowning when she got a piercing. yea im glad she didnt have to sit thru the ordeal of u when#i first came out to u. im glad she didnt have to have our dead dad used as a damn weapon against her when she told you shes a lesbian#im glad you never sat her down and berated her for being queer for three hours and then sent her to her hole only to send her a long winded#email about how awful she is to you for being queer and how no one will be able to recognize or love her#i still have that email btw#im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful#assumptions and insinuations about her#im glad you asked for help for her#but why couldnt you have been a mom to me too#why did i have to teach you all the wrong ways to handle situations so that you could handle them rigjt with her#why did i have to be the one to lockpick all of the doors in order to open them for her#whyd you have to put the locks on there in the first place#why werent you ever a mom to me#why wasnt i allowed to have parents growing up#whyd you have to hurt me since the time before i could make cohesive thought#why werent you a mom for either of us until you realized how heavily you screwed up with me#why did it take you losing me completely for you to start being a mom to my sister?#why did it take you losing me completely for you to finally listen to me instead of talk about why im wrong#im glad to have a mom now#but i couldve used a mom when i was a kid#why do you have to turn it into jokes#and why am i not allowed to be upset
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i agreed to see a show with my sister but once again she has invited her friends without telling me (one of whom I've never even met) and they already bought the expensive tickets without asking me so now im on the hook to pay like twice as much as i was hoping to pay. like i didn't agree to any of this but now i guess I'm stuck with it !!!!! thanks!!!!!!!!!
#usual bullshit#after she JUST told me she couldn't give me more of the money she owes me (which is quite a lot btw)#super fun#super great#personal#also on my birthday a few weeks ago she wouldn't come to anything i asked her to#and then she said her and her friend would come to one thing#and i had to be like “Well i didn't invite him and it's my birthday and i would like for it to only be ppl i invited”#so neither of them came#i had plans all weekend and the only thing she came to was one dinner which ik was only bc she knew my parents were paying#so ofc she ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu#god when i type all that out i really see how fucking entitled she is in so sick of it#okay goodnight
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i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.
#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating#i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice.#i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything.#i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years#i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating#i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group#nowhere i go will be free of obligations#i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway#my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not#they see me binge and nothing happens#we just ignore it#i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished#hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me#i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life#both meals with other people and my ritual binges#i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging#and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food#to other people#it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction#my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want#or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie#or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something#and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :)#and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly.#so badly that no one can deny i need help#i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital.#no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim#i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me#but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care.#so fuck me i guess
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being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.
#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness.#COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye#yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all#until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs#I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying.#even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat!#my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone#and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor#the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T#I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home#lonely TT-TT#it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry#I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now#but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up#and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time#I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week.#I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me#I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over#so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T.#I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind.#<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind
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think my hgeadphones broke for the last gime :(
#im asking my friend to order new ones for me#like. ill pay him for them but i dont have an amazon and also my parents dont Get it#and theyre pretty expensive so#they wont approve#but theyve helped me So Much#and as soon as i get them itll be better#the old ones are sitting with lotsa glue right now#but idk if theyll hold much longer#:(((#ok. i have a class for work byee <2#em rambles
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i’m going to start eating people
#tried to talk to my parents abt getting a piercing and it did not go well#i am 19 i don’t need their permission but i feel a need for their approval and for them also to like. continue to support me financially#and i asked how mad they’d be and they told me how stupid it is to mutilate your body for a fashion statement#and how i need to think about my future#and when told that not every decision i make needs to be supported by them they answer that half the clothes i wear arent and growing out#my armpit hair (by which they mean. not shaving hair that naturally grows on me and also looks kinda sexy and dykey) even tho it looks ‘#‘crazy’ isn’t#so yeah okay insult me and tell me how much you don’t support my decisions that i make about my personal appearance in order to feel happier#about myself#but me having this conversation was a courtesy. i could have just as easily gone and done it without talking to you#i mean granted i wouldn’t have because again i’m desperate for their approval#but me talking about it was me warning them and me trying to have a serious conversation about something important to me#and they pretty much made fun of me#they said if i want it at 25 i can get it then#so either i wait till i’m 25 or get it now and hide it for 6 years or like at least till i’m done w college
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who wants to see Nadia Surana, one of the heroes of the blight and definitely not an abomination, react to Aveline's refusal to investigate that rapist in her guard ranks at the end of Act 2
#the answer is me#shows up 15 minutes late to talk to hawke with sparks flying out of her fingertips#runs into aveline and isabela and is just like#hawke i am here bc if i didn't let you be here when I talked to her I might start swinging#why dont you ask miss law and order whY the two elves murdered that man. why don't you ask.#i was the one that told them to report it. i thought she'd DO something but no--shes just like every guard I've ever met#just like the ones that assaulted my parents when I was a child and got me sent to the circle#and just like the ones that tried to rape my friend on her wedding day#nadia is This Close to spitting in aveline's face lmao#is this when hawke gets to see Wrath up close? i dont think so i still need to figure that out but yeah. Yeah.
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i am so deep in my feelings right now, i both sad and mad enough that i cannot sleep
#ive been angry oscillating between angry and sad pretty much the whole day#i had a rare saturday off and i feel like i wasted half of it for my mom and she didnt appreciate it#i wanted to take her to somewhere new for brunch and a cool bookstore and to get our nails donw#and she drove like 30 minutes in the wrong direction and wouldnt listen to me and tried to blame it on me#im not allowed to be sick on my own. she has to be sick too. if i have a headache so does she and worse#if im nauseous in the afternoon she 'threw up' that morning. she'll say its something we ate even if we ate nothing in common#ive broken our in hives that keep popping up and the whole day she was acting as if she was itchy too AND dizzy.#we had to stop multiple times because she was so dizzy. im not saying she was lying but it stopped her from cleaning#she didnt want the original breakfast place near the bookstore and salon and when we got to the second one it was closed#found a third but she didnt want to deal with parking. went to option 4 and she didnt like her food.#she also kept asking me what she was getting instead of just ordering herself. 'what was it that i wanted? yes can you tell her i want xyz'#(and let me just say i have 0 patience left for people who cant do anything themselves. helplessness is a hard hard no for me#we didnt go to the bookstore or the salon and shes like oh okay tomorrow. i told her i had plans and shes like oh you always make plans#with your friends and none with me. Girlfriend. what are we doing right now?#went home to try to clean up our apartment and got overwhelmed when i realized i have to do everything myself because she no help#while she laid down and watched pitch perfect for the 1000th time#im also trying to figure out how to tell an ex friend i dont want them back in my life because theyre so much work#but i dont have room in my life to have that conversation. im also probably going to start looking for a different job soon#i just want my parents gone. my apartment furnished. free time. and a vacation.
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Argh.
#It is so ridiculous that this kid has FIVE parental figures and I'm the only one who's actually a good 'parent' to them#One other of the parental figures I've spent a few YEARS brute-forcing into being better at it and have to constantly keep doing so#And one of the other ones is just selfish and oblivious and overbearing and kind of useless and more like a kid than a parent#And the last 2 are actively abusive and just fucking terrible people who make the kids' life - and my life for that matter - a nightmare#How am I the only one who is any good at this??#I have no training or experience except a) being very good at loving cats and b) being raised in a horrible nightmarish abusive home#So I'm basically doing what MY family should have done for ME#And it's not fair bc I'm fighting the others every fucking step of the way just to TRY to make this kid's life less miserable than mine was#Like it is such a battle#And it is like a revolutionary unheard-of never-occurred-to-them concept for me to say 'Have you asked [kid] what they want?'#Bc they all automatically go for power struggles and selfishness and treating the kid like a possession#And it's only the one other 'parent' who will even fucking listen to me!#Like it took me a year just to reach the point where this kid trusted me enough to say 'no thanks' about anything#And w/ the parent who sometimes listens to me - the most constant freaking thing I do is ask 'Why?' bc they usually have no actual REASON#No legitimate reason for this rule they've decided or thing they've refused or anything! Just limiting the kid's life bc of how THEY feel#But also like if the kid says something would make a situation worse or better or whatever I freaking listen to them#Bc they have greater insight into the situation bc it's their freaking life and their experiences!#And when they want to spend literal hours describing their new video game I listen and inquire and comment on the cool parts!#And I don't give them 'orders' or anything bc what they have lost the most in this shitty situation is the right to have ANY agency#I always ask before I do things even just opening a drawer to look for a concealer they borrowed bc it's essential to respect their privacy#Bc they don't GET any from anybody else!!!!!#I literally have had to have so many arguments with the other half-decent parent just to get them to stop going through their stuff!#And again the other 3 people are frankly fucking terrible#Actively negative#Two of them actively evil#And yes I've tried to get authorities involved many times but they fucking refuse to do anything I've tried over and over and OVER#So I'm parenting this kid bc holy shit no one else is any good at it#And I'm so angry and tired and upset and I love them so much and can't fix this other shit for them#And I'm so flabbergasted that out of 5 ppl I'm it: the only decent parent#It's not fair to this kid
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actually no i work so hard bcos im perpetually paranoid of being fired 😭😭😭 i need to give my manager so many reasons why she NEEDS me
#battery acid suffering#i would be fine even if i lost this job#bc my parents r awesome#but im so neurotic#i bring my nuis to work and have an anxiety attack if my bar gets too many stickers and i panic attacka if the cafe fills up witn too many p#eople waiting for their drinks#and im a REALLY good worker im so fucking efficient at stacking drinks its no joke#so the ONLY times i get backed up is when a mistake happens thats out of my control#like someone took an order at the front register wrong (happens so fucking often) or someone placed their mobile order wrong#THATS when i get stressed out. because its NOT my fault but i WILL be blamed for it if i dont catch up#ugh im so annoyed sorry#recently my coworkers have been really bad about punching in orders correctly at front register and it fucks me up so bad at mobile bar#esp the newest shift lead#i swear she just doesnt fucking comprehend or ask them shit to make sure for their drinks!!!!!#and we need people to be thorough at register so when rushes happen we dont have to be backed tf up fixing messed up orders
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